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cdt12345 · 3 years

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We've been friends many years but I've never thought to ask; Top 10 gay OTPs?

1.) Ian & Mickey (Gallavich) - Shameless us

What can I say about these two that we haven’t already said about them?! They are my absolute all-time favorite couple ever! Gay or straight. They perfectly complement each other, they love each other on a level I feel like I’ve never seen before (and I have watched a lot of tv/movies), they’re like a comedy duo, they support each other, understand each other better than anyone else ever will, they fell in love as kids, they bring out the best in each other, and they’re each other's best friend. I’m a sucker for opposites attract, who are also best friends. Gallavich really fits that bill. I wish they didn’t have to struggle so much to get their happiness, but I’m happy they finally got it. When they got married, it felt like the biggest victory ever! We went through those years of struggle with them, rooted for them, mourned for them when John Wells let Noel go after season 5. So much has tried to keep these two apart, even real-life circumstances tried to keep them apart. The chemistry between these two characters and between Cameron and Noel was so powerful, they were brought back to the show. That kind of thing doesn’t happen very often. When an actor leaves a show, they don’t usually come back as a series regular, let alone two actors who have already left the show. It felt like a miracle! I will never forget getting the news that Noel was coming back from you @luckyshazmrsmonaghansblog I was crying with happiness bc we wanted this for so long and I never believed we would get to see both Cameron and Noel back on the show. Or that they would get their happy ending outside of a jail cell. Especially after Cameron left the show in season 9. With their return we got a wedding, an entire season of them as a married couple, we got to see them dance with each other twice, we got them singing together, we got to see them start a lucrative business together, we got to see them free and happier than we’ve ever seen them before, and we got to see Terry get what he deserved after putting them through hell. We are only halfway through season 11, but I already feel so fulfilled with this extra time with gallavich that we were never supposed to have. JW tried to take that away from us. I will never understand why, but he failed. I am not surprised this is the one I wrote the most about. I can go on and on about gallavich!

2.) David and Patrick - Schitt’s Creek

This was everything I ever wanted to see onscreen, where there was zero homophobia. The pansexual character didn’t need to have a big coming out or tell everyone in the town of his sexual orientation, except his best friend. The gay character had a coming out with parents who loved and accepted him for who he is and was only upset that he felt he couldn’t tell them sooner. I dreamt of a day where I could see this kind of representation onscreen. The casual treatment of their sexuality was so refreshing and something I’ve been waiting for. There is no darkness or huge struggle they had to overcome to be together or a sad ending for them. They were allowed to be together without the major conflicts most LGBTQ characters have to go through. Once David made the first move Patrick was comfortable allowing himself to fall for David and start a relationship with him. He was so sure of his feelings for David after that first kiss, he never looked back and I loved that. They had such an adorable love story. Truly one I have been waiting to see for so long between two LGBTQ characters. They made me smile every time they were on screen. They are another of my OTPs that are exact opposites who complement each other perfectly. Patrick was welcomed into David’s family and blended in with them so well, even when he and David had very different upbringings. Patrick serenading David with Tina Turner and then Mariah Carey at their wedding is one of the most romantic things I have ever seen!

3.) Holt and Kevin - Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Captain Holt and Kevin are strange men on their own but together they are the perfect pair. They get each other in a way no one else does. The best part is their adorable fur baby, Cheddar! They seriously make the cutest family! I was so nervous when they went through a rough patch for a while because I didn’t want them to split up. Thankfully, they made it through and are still going strong!

4.) Will and Vince - Will & Grace

On the show's first run, Will and Vince were in a serious relationship and Vince was Will’s longest relationship on the show. They broke up a few times but were together by the series finale. The two reunite during the funeral of Will's father. There was a time jump on the series finale. Though I didn’t love everything about the last episode, I did love the fact that Will and Vince had been together for 20 years and raised a son together, who was conceived through in vitro fertilization with a surrogate. After the time jump, nearly twenty years later, their son goes to college and meets Grace's daughter, whom he would eventually marry. Though I wasn’t happy with the fact that Will and Grace didn’t stay close over the years, it did allow for their kids to one day meet, fall in love, and get married. I did like that outcome out of the finale. My family and I used to watch the original show, but we refused to accept or watch the 2017 revival because they completely changed everything from the original series finale. The second I found out they were changing everything; I knew I couldn’t watch it. They even wiped the existence of their kids from the first series finale. The revival was an attempt to cash in on the reboot craze and I wasn’t happy about that already, but even more so when they were going to break up one of my OTPs for easy money. Bobby Cannavale, who played Vince, has become even more famous since starring in Will & Grace. So, I already figured he wouldn’t be back for the show as a regular, but I know he did guest star. I won’t accept the revival and to me, Will and Vince stayed together, and their son married Grace’s daughter. THE END!

5.) Albert and Armand - The Birdcage

Miss Albert and Armand were the earliest gay couple I remember ever watching onscreen when I was eight years old. I have watched this movie more than I can count over the years. It is a family favorite that we quote often. Their son is planning to marry a girl whose father is in politics and is very conservative. They have to hide the fact that he has two gay fathers for one night, but everything goes awry, and comedy ensues. Nathan Lane and Robin Williams give a wonderful performance without resorting to using the stereotypes that are often used on gay characters, especially back then. It’s a classic!

6.) Stefon and Seth - Saturday Night Live

Okay, hear me out on this one! They’re not the most conventional OTPs on my list, but I really do love them so much! Stefon started doing a correspondent segment on Weekend Update on SNL. The first time Stefon came on, he flirted with Seth Meyers. The second he did I was like ooh they would make a cute couple! Stefon the wild party guy and Seth the serious news anchor. It was a match made in heaven for me. Before Seth Meyers left SNL to do Late Night with Seth Meyers, Bill Hader came back to play Stefon for Seth’s last episode. I didn’t expect what happened next to happen at all! They gave Seth and Stefon the ending that I haven’t even gotten from some actual scripted shows. I never expected Stefon and Seth to have this big ending, but I could not be happier that they did. I’m posting the link to the six-minute skit/ending and I hope it works. It’s worth watching. Though the video says it’s Stefon’s farewell it was really Seth’s farewell episode.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rj-wYWMdWNk

7.) Mr. Simmons and Peter - Hey Arnold!

Anyone who grew up watching this show already knew that Mr. Simmons, Arnold’s teacher, was probably gay. It was hinted at in the Thanksgiving episode. Arnold and Helga visit Mr. Simmons on Thanksgiving at his house and his family and “friend” Peter are there. Mr. Simmons mother says she didn’t know Peter was coming to dinner and Peter responds with the infamous line “There’s a lot of things you don’t know.” When Mr. Simmons mom tries to get him to take a woman friend to the ballet, he says he loves the ballet and Peter gives him a disapproving look and Mr. Simmons immediately declines. Those were enough hints for us fans to decide Peter was his boyfriend. Years later, the show's creator Craig Bartlett finally confirmed Mr. Simmons is gay and had them together in the 2017 Hey Arnold: The Jungle Movie. It was so exciting to finally get the confirmation years later, even though I was already certain of it for many years. I was happy that the cartoon no longer had to settle with vague hints about it.

8.) Callie and Arizona - Grey’s Anatomy

I was very happy to see a lesbian couple on prime time tv and I really liked both characters. I was excited to root for them but sadly as most couples on this show, their relationship took a turn, and I wasn’t thrilled about it. I was disappointed that it came to an end. By then I was already getting tired of watching the show. It was starting to feel like a chore to watch it every week. I tried to stick it out because I don’t like to give up on shows in the middle of it, but I just couldn’t do it anymore. I’m glad I did though because the shocking events with Derek Shepard, is something I’m glad I wasn’t around for. Anyway, I heard things between Callie and Arizona got even worse, so I was even happier I left when I did.

9.) Sherwin and Jonathan - In a Heartbeat

This was one of the cutest things I have ever seen! I wish this got the full-length movie treatment instead of a short film. But it was still a step in the right direction for the LGBTQ community. Gay characters in cartoons always bring me such joy and that was the focus of this short. A boy with a crush on another boy with a cute ending. What is not to love?!

10.) Mitch and Cam - Modern Family

Another show I had to give up on in the middle of the series. The show began to be less funny and more annoying to me. Another reason, that really has nothing to do with the show itself, that used to annoy me was that this show repeatedly beat out Parks and Recreation during award season. Parks and Recreation is a superior show when compared to Modern Family. This show won almost every year for years and it got really annoying especially when the quality of the show started slipping and they kept winning. After a few years, they finally stopped winning all the time. But before all that, I was a fan of Cam and Mitch. They were a great couple who I loved watching on the show. They were the best part of the show most of the time. But sadly, my annoyance of the show no longer being as funny as it used to be, was enough for me to stop watching.

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blind-rats · 3 years

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A reminder that Joss Whedon had a cameo guest star on Veronica Mars as an abusive boss who likes to bully his employees, and everyone thought it was funny as hell (because we didn’t know better). Also, the character was written by Joss himself. Creator Rob Thomas offered him a cameo role, and Joss said that he wanted to write the character and the dialogue himself.

Veronica Mars has often been compared to Whedon's series Buffy the Vampire Slayer, with some even calling it the successor to the latter, but now the show itself is facing backlash after creator Rob Thomas blamed the failure of the revival to the fans. JW had previously praised the first season of VMars on the weblog Whedonesque. He appeared on season 2, episode “Rats Saw God”.

#Veronica Mars #Joss Whedon #Buffy The Vampire Slayer #Rob Thomas #BTVS

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mamapriest · 4 years

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VILLANELLE'S 10 MOST STYLISH LOOKS ON 'KILLING EVE'

-Mario Abad -May 2020

When the world was first introduced to Oksana Astankova (aka Villanelle) two years ago, no one could have predicted that such a blood-thirsty sociopath would become a huge fashion sensation. In fact, there are whole Instagram fan accounts now that are dedicated to the Killing Eve assassin's impeccable, power-feminine style.

Indeed, whether she's preying on her victims in tailored Chloé separates or in some irresistible vintage finds, never has a murderous on-screen villain looked so utterly captivating. She provides a perfect foil to the series' protagonist (and Villanelle's complicated love interest) Eve Polastri, whose muted and serious wardrobe is the polar opposite of her counterpart's.

Season 3 premiered in early May, 2020 and if the first four episodes are any indication, costume designer Sam Perry is continuing to stay true to Villanelle's polished aesthetic while adding some of her signature whimsical touches.

Season 1:

The Pink Princess Gown

The pink Molly Goddard dress that launched a thousand ships — or at least memes, fan accounts and countless Reddit and Twitter threads. It almost single-handedly revived the tulle trend for the entirety of 2018 from the runways in Paris to the sites of fast-fashion stores. But it also became the benchmark for a new time of TV villain that we hadn't quite seen before: someone whose enchanting, frothy exterior belies her murderous motives and all the complexities between.

The Sharp Suit

One of the most heart-sinking moments of the first season was when Villanelle stabbed Eve's close colleague Bill multiple times in a crowded nightclub. The fact that she carried out the task in an alluring printed brocade suit by Dries van Noten is all the more jarring considering how heavy and dark the scene was.

The Sharp Suit

It's not all designer labels for the style icon as she deftly demonstrated in this scene from Episode 3 where she's sitting outdoors in a frilly top by JW Anderson and tortoiseshell specs by H&M. Turns out high and low can co-exist happily in Villanelle's twisted world.

Season 2:

The Mourning Dress

When Villanelle is given an assignment to kill Eve at her home, she shows up in a dazzling black sheer floor-length gown and custom polka-dot veil, her version of a "mourning dress," if you will. The dress is a rare 2012 couture find from Alexander McQueen, which I will certainly wear to my future husband's funeral one day.

The Collegiate Prep

Some of Villanelle's best fashion moments have come when she has to blend into her surroundings and wear something that doesn't scream "Killer on the loose!," as evidenced by her interpretation of a collegiate preppy look (khaki trousers by Raey and vintage shirt + tie) when she visits the Oxford campus to threaten Eve's husband Niko.

The Bloodthirsty Red

For the climactic final scene of Season 2, Villanelle sported a bright red peplum top and matching trousers from Lanvin paired with a wide Gucci belt that looked splendid on the cobble-stoned streets of Rome. Except most elegant women don't go around shooting their would-be lovers and leaving them for dead in plain sight.

The Chic Parisian

Clad in an Isabel marant blouse and metallic pants with a horse-print blazer by Chloé, Villanelle effortly channels that Parisian cool-girl aesthetic women everywhere strive for when she returns to her hotel to meet Konstantin for the first time since she shot him.

Season 3:

The Romantic Wanderer

This season sees Villanelle want to climb higher up the villain pole with the job of "handler" at the top of her list. Among her first fashion picks in her new role is this bold floral floor-length dress by The Vampire's Wife with a handy basket tote bag by Dragon, both labels of which are aptly named.

The Western Mod

Villanelle continues her streak of sporting indie brands in Season 3 with this geometric shift dress by La DoubleJ which she pairs with Golden Goose cowboy boots for a country-meets-'60s mod fashion moment.

*Source: papermag.com

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isagrimorie · 4 years

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@helgasbattleax replied to your photoset “buffytags: sansasnark: five years in a hell dimension can make a...”

Phew, yeahhhhhh... So much brilliance there but the further away from it we get the more glaring the poor treatment of the women characters becomes.

@anaparamo replied to your photoset “buffytags: sansasnark: five years in a hell dimension can make a...”

i might be wrong but the more time goes by, the more i think how much more amazing btvs and ats could've been without JW passive aggressive sexism at the helm tbh

Yeah it’s the unfortunate thing where there is brilliance mired down by that sexism. It’s actually why I’m sad I haven’t heard more from the Buffy sequel series.

BTW, out of topic, journalists should really learn how to differentiate between reboot, revival, and sequel series.

#reply

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holographic-bone-jester · 5 years

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Another non paleo related issue caused by movies and games calling their creatures “actual legit dinosaurs” is that it drastically limits what you can do with it.

(non paleontology related rant below to explain what i mean.)

Even when creators want to do something like mutations or whatever, it’s always the same thing, it’s just:

“let’s add spikes and big plates and maybe some funky gimmick like a split jaw or a laser pointer or make it invisible idk. And also make it big and super mean and violent because i guess our big mean violent predators weren’t big and violent enough.”

Spoiler: That’s boring as fuck, those are the awesomebro equivalent of a Mary Sues: Just a very indulgent pop culture dinosaur framed as being “special” even though every media on the planet has done the same thing.

The JP:TG troodon tried something and was ripped off to death by ARK as well as added to more JP content while being stripped of anything that was interesting about it, but the theme of JP (not including JW and hybrid hybrids) is “we revive these things and discover unexpected things that puts us into trouble”, which still puts heavy limitations to what you can do, because it has to, ironically, be “believable”.

ARK, weirdly enough, had an idea that could have worked (in a far, far away parallel dimension), which is: “Let’s take dinosaurs and pterosaurs and mammals i guess and chuck them in some slime or something that gradually destroys their original shape and rewrites it, turning them into mindless zombies, and is clearly shown as unnatural and fucked up”

But indeed, ARK has a lot of good ideas, but it does none of them right.

And so instead they’re just Swiss cheese covered in goop

#non paleo #rant

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liunaticfringe · 5 years

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Things We Know/Suspect About #Elementary Season 7

1. Joan Watson / Lucy Liu will be a resplendent blonde in a variety of chic ensembles and we will remain very unworthy witnesses.

SPOILER ALERT FOR THE REST:

2. The season starts where we left off in London (tho filmed in New York).

3. Kitty and Archie make an appearance.

4. S&J almost immediately return to New York. (Where the writers will no doubt ham-fistedly try to make up for Gregson’s galling betrayal in one episode -- if not one short scene.) (TURNS OUT IT’S GONNA BE A COUPLE OF EPISODES)

I’m going to guess that Gregson came to his senses and made Hannah turn herself in. JW will immediately forgive, while SH will brood.

But wouldn’t it be cool if Hannah got killed, and S&J were called back to solve it? (THAT WOULD BE COOL, BUT IT LOOKS LIKE GREGSON’S GOING TO GET GUT SHOT, WHICH INITIATES THEIR RETURN. HANNAH COULD STILL KICK THE BUCKET THO.)

5. And of course, the whole “Bell going to the marshals” storyline was so much fake BS -- JMH was never going to leave.

6. Oh, and speaking of schmuck bait -- a season wasted on the whole adoption thing, which we KNEW was going to come either crashing down or end up completely ignored. To wit:

From https://tvline.com/2018/11/08/veronica-mars-revival-tina-majorino-mac-hulu-season-4/

ELEMENTARY: Joan’s desire to adopt a child has hit a potentially permanent snag. Asked if there are plans to continue exploring the storyline in Season 7, showrunner Rob Doherty replies, “Not immediately. The end of the sixth season was a pretty good example of the degree of difficulty that exists for a prospective parent like Joan Watson. Her job is unique, her living situation is unique.” And while Joan was “ready” for all of those complications, “the end of the season is a reminder that it’s dangerous to be a friend of Joan’s, let alone a son or daughter.”

7. There’s a murder at their favorite faux search engine: Odker.

8. Jonny directed another ep this season, which apparently contains one of the biggest stunts they’ve ever done -- looked like a big truck wreck under a train track.

9. The 150th episode finds the gang looking like their usual selves in the squad room.

10. Lucy directed episode 11 titled “Unfriended.”

11. Among the locations spotted: several cemeteries, an indoor rock-climbing facility, a gorgeous beach house, the Trenton River bridge (more on that later).

12. Okay, here come the BIG SPOILERS:

MORLAND APPARENTLY DIES in LL’s episode

13. RHW posted that the writers haven’t been informed one way or another about a pickup for Season 8 or a back 9 for Season 7, making it more likely that this week is the series wrap. And...

14. @nairobiwonders wonders if the series finale will include some kind of Reichenbach homage:

https://nairobiwonders.tumblr.com/post/180543435350/this-week-elementary-is-filming-the-last-episode

I found the above online, which would perhaps lead one to believe that is so, as does this location:

15. Just within the last couple days (12/11/18), there was a morning show set with J-Dub appearing as a glamorous blonde. Which I have no guesses or predictions about (tho maybe she’s pleading with the public to find a missing Holmes or Moriarty?) but it’s just so rare to see any pics of LL online these days... :)

16. RHW posted that the writers haven’t been informed one way or another about a pickup for Season 8 or a back 9 for Season 7, making it more likely that this week is the series wrap.

And as much crap as I give these writer/producers for the sub-par scripts they produce, I will so miss seeing the crew and LL, JLM et al in action both bts and on screen as Holmes and Watson, and surely will be bawling as the finale wrap party pics start rolling in...

#Joan Watson #Elementary #Lucy Liu #Sherlock Holmes #jonny lee miller #season 7 #series finale #season finale #spoiler alert

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onejamtart · 5 years

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PATTA X JORDAN VII COLLECTION

From Patta, “Patta has worked on a capsule collection with Jordan Brand, launching May 18th 2019. The collection, consisting of the Air Jordan VII “Patta,” a track suit, shorts, T-shirt and boonie hat, marks the first time Jordan Brand has partnered with a European brand.

For Patta’s Guillaume Schmidt and Vincent van de Waal, the Jordan VII was the only logical starting point for working with Jordan Brand. Launched in ’92, and subsequently eternally tied to that summer’s USA Basketball team, it arrived at a transformative point in both men’s youth and their respective interest in the culture they live and work in.

“It was a golden era for hip-hop and a big year for me, a lot of very important albums that I still carry with me came out between '92 and '96. And aesthetically, those years had such colourful imagery and strong connections to black empowerment. The VII and its geometric patterns also have a reference to Africa,” says Schmidt, a native of Suriname who grew up an hour from Amsterdam in basketball-crazed 's Hertogenbosch.”

Van de Waal, Patta’s creative director, was drawn to the Jordan VII’s elegant shape and the minimal marking (it is the first Jordan without any Nike branding). Today, Van de Waal is effusive about the shoe stating, “It is my all-time favourite.”

The footwear itself plays only part of the story, as both Schmidt and Van de Waal recognised immediately the power of the full package surrounding the VII. “The VII apparel was out of this world. The products that we worked on come straight from a short Jordan clip from Barcelona that became super famous. It features a segment where Michael walks past a huge billboard of himself where he's got the shoes on, and that image has been forever etched in my memory,” says Gee.

Reviving the patterns of those original garments, Patta is also able to tie in its branding subtly though incorporation of the script logo and “TEAM PATTA” word marks. “We see ourselves as a strong team where everyone has their place, so the concept of ‘TEAM PATTA’ has always been important to our history,” says Van de Waal.”

For more info, please go here.

Peace, JW

#patta #streetwear #street wear #fashion

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klarolinedrabbles · 6 years

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I think it depends on the show. Angel ended on a cliffhanger and I think it worked, but other times I find it annoying (like the Gilmore Girls revival).

AtS isn’t always a viable example imo, because the show was never supposed to end that way. JW basically said that he’d been pushing the network to renew them early, and that like spiraled into them just getting rid of it. And that if he’d just left the network on their own, they’d have probably gotten renewed.

I’m someone that over time became satisfied with AtS’ ending, but initially I was pissed, lmao. And JW did do the comics series to follow that aftermath. But it’s a cliffhanger that almost works because of how huge it was, if that makes sense.

Ditto on Gilmore Girls, like whaaat type of shit, man. ‘I’M PREGNANT---WHAM, SEE YOU NEVER’. Like to essentially set-up the initial pieces of Rory now paralleling Lorelai’s past, but not showing us how those two scenarios will differ, how they’re the same, etc. That’s in the same boat as TO, that’s speculation and aftermath that we now have to craft ourselves when it should’ve been done by the writers. And if they weren’t willing to do so, shouldn’t have gone for this route to begin with.

Also TO’s ending was not a cliffhanger.

#Stephanie talks TV #Anonymous

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write-stuff-for-life-blog · 6 years

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Review: Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom

NOTE: I actually saw this movie in theaters but since it’s DVD release was yesterday I figured I’d post my review of it here. I might ramble on for several paragraphs in these reviews, especially if I feel strongly about something, so I’ll try and make it a point to post a short rating at the top as well as a more in depth one at the end.

NOTE THE SECOND: I don’t usually care about spoilers in these reviews so read at your own risk.

1 out of 5 stars. Only watch on Netflix if you exhaust all your other options.

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom is written by Colin Trevorrow (previous writer and director of the last entry in the franchise) and Derek Connolly and was directed by J.A. Bayona. Chris Pratt and Bryce Dallas Howard reprise their roles as Owen Grady and Claire Dearing respectively and are sent back to Isla Nublar by Jon Hammond’s previously never mentioned before former partner billionaire Ben Lockwood played by a James Cromwell who can barely bother to keep his eyes open throughout the movie. I, in fact, share that same sentiment.

Usually in these reviews I try to touch on all the aspects of said medium: visuals, camera work, writing, directing, acting, etc. But this review is going to focus mainly on the writing and acting because both are so atrocious all the other aspects are inconsequential.

I didn’t think the first Jurassic World (JW) was as great as it needed to be for a soft reboot / revival of such a beloved franchise but it did have several memorable moments. The leads were charming enough to make you forget that they lacked meaningful character arcs (Claire does have one but the movie doesn’t care about it that much) and the action in the second half of the film was pretty cool (specifically T-Rex and Raptor and Giant Alligator Thing vs. the Indominus Rex). So for the second go around I was hoping that the filmmakers would take the time to really get it right and do the franchise justice. My hopes were far too high.

The only two performances that were worth anything in Fallen Kingdom (FK) were the two returning leads, Pratt and Howard. Howard is a decent enough actress but I’ve never seen a performance from her that I really love and FK continues that trend. Claire does undergo a change from shrewd, cold businesswoman to animal rights activist and that does give some depth to her character but it happens off screen during the three years between JW and FK. It was a little jarring at first but I swallowed it better when the film took a minute to explain her motivations. Pratt was as Pratt as ever as Owen is exactly the same through this movie as he was when we first met him in JW. I fear there’s a real risk for Pratt here as it seems as though he’s becoming another Will Smith or Tom Cruise. He is varying degrees of his usual charming and charismatic self in whatever project he appears in. Owen is just Pratt but outdoorsy to the extreme. Star-Lord is just Pratt with his ego turned up to eleven. Andy from Parks and Rec is just Pratt as a dumb man-child. And I guess that’s fine. Plenty of stars have made careers doing the same but actors actually stretching themselves and challenging themselves to become someone else will always be more impressive.

One thing that annoys me about modern blockbusters are their tendencies to inject new secondary characters into each following installment while completely ignoring the B cast from the previous entry. In the original Jurassic trilogy it did make some sense to do that as each sequel followed the branching lives of Ian Malcolm and Allen Grant who, we can presume, never encounter one another again after the first film. But here there’s little justification for it. JW’s comic relief characters Lowery and Vivian, played by capable comedy actors Jake Johnson and Lauren Lapkus respectively, are nowhere to be seen in this movie. Instead we have Franklin Webb, a spazzy tech guy played by Justice Smith, and Zia Rodriguez, a ball busting veterinarian played by Daniella Pineda. I don’t have much to say about Pineda, she was decent enough and served her purpose, but Smith … Oh my God. I believe this guy will go down in history as the absolute worst character in any Jurassic movie ever. Yes, he is even worse than every child character in all of the movies combined. He does nothing for the movie other than to scream in a high pitched voice when something scares him. Everything scares him. It’s always played for laughs but the joke falls flat on its face every time. The movie thinks it’s funny for a grown man to shriek in terror and scream out loud the thing that’s scaring him. “Lava!” “T-Rex!” “Social interaction!” All right, I made up that last one but the character is so cliché he might as well have said it. And what’s more there is no reason for this character to be here. The movie wastes a fine opportunity to bring back JW’s Lowery who was also a tech guy. In fact it even makes sense for him to run with Claire in her animal rights activism as he was a huge fanboy for Jurassic Park. He had toy dinosaurs all over his work station, he loves them! And it makes even more sense for him to return to Isla Nublar because he was familiar with the park’s computer systems. Why isn’t he joining Claire? He was courageous and had some genuinely funny interactions with Vivian. He certainly would have been better than Spazzy McScreamy.

Speaking of trends let’s talk about the obligatory child character. Isabella Sermon makes her big screen debut as Maisie Lockwood, Ben Lockwood’s granddaughter. Of all the new additions to the franchise she’s the standout as her performance has a depth and range most child actors would struggle to convey. Now one thing about the Jurassic movies is that their child characters were usually pretty capable in some way or another. Hammond’s granddaughter in JP reboots the computer system. Malcolm’s daughter in Lost World is able to gymnastic a raptor to death (yeah it’s a dumb scene but she saves her dad). The teenager in JP3 survives Isla Sorna alone for eight weeks. And the brothers in JW are able to fix a derelict jeep and rescue themselves. FK started out following this trend of capable children with Maisie … until it abandons the idea so we can have a “monster creeping through a child’s bedroom” scene. This completely undermined her whole character. Up until then the movie had established her as smart and independent and capable as hell. She snuck into the secret lab, spied and hid from the bad guys, busted out of her room which she’d been locked in, and climbed atop buildings all secretly by herself without help from a single grown up. But the minute the new hybrid dinosaur goes after her, which she had seen several times before then, she immediately forgets how capable she is and hides under her bed sheets. This might be the most heinous example of bad writing in this whole movie. Mixed messages? Okay, fine. Forgettable action sequences? Whatever, that’s most of Hollywood anyway. But please, for the love of God, have consistent characters!

Now the villains. Ugh.

BD Wong returns as the dastardly Dr. Henry Wu, the mastermind genius behind the dinosaur cloning process, the I-Rex, and FK’s new hybrid the Indoraptor. It would seem that in the three years since JW InGen and its parent company Masrani Global have cut Wu loose as he’s now partnered with a new financier Eli Mills played by Rafe Spall, the CEO / director / executor of Ben Lockwood’s … estate? Company? Trust fund? I don’t remember the movie specifying what Mills’ job was, only that he was another white collar villain (because we haven’t seen that before in a Jurassic movie). Toby Jones makes an appearance as Mr. Eversol, an auctioneer for the high rolling criminal underworld, and Ted Levine plays Ken Wheatley, the leader of a disposable mercenary force who has an odd fetish for collecting dinosaur teeth. And that is literally all there is to the villains. Each of them is cartoonishly shallow to the point that Wheatley is a parody of an archetype and all Dr. Wu needs is a mustache to twirl. True, the villains have never been that big of a deal in the Jurassic movies as the dinosaurs have always been the main attractions but not even Vincent D’Onofrio’s Hoskins from JW was this bad and in a movie full of weakly written characters he was the weakest link.

And let’s not forget the dinosaurs. They are there. Not as much as you’d like but they’re around. The big draw for Owen this time around is to save Blue, the only surviving raptor from the pack he raised and trained, from Isla Nublar’s impending volcanic eruption. FK plays this up as though Blue was always the equivalent of a loyal attack dog but it conveniently forgets that JW established her as a dog capable and willing to bite the hand that fed her. The scene from the previous movie in which Owen is in the raptor enclosure is a tense moment because he is under threat from all the raptors, Blue included. In fact when the I-Rex persuades them to go after the humans all the raptors focus in on Owen. There was that one moment when Owen pulls off Blue’s head camera at the end of JW but to rewrite the relationship as though she were a loyal golden retriever, I feel like that was not earned in the slightest. And the main attraction this time is the new hybrid, the Indoraptor, essentially a smaller version of the previous movie’s I-Rex. FK presents this abomination of genetic manipulation as an ultimate monster but it really just looks like rejected concept art of the I-Rex. Also the Indoraptor is only in half of the movie. The I-Rex in JW was a better monster because it was terrorizing the island for almost the whole runtime. Plus the I-Rex has some decent build up and a good reveal. Here, it feels like the movie couldn’t be bothered. “By the way, we made another hybrid dino. Here it is.” I did enjoy the return of more practical animatronics over every dino being CGI but if you saw the last film this one doesn’t have anything special for you in that regard.

Let’s talk about Trevorrow’s writing. It’s awful. Like a pile of hot rancid garbage awful. The biggest problem with JW is that it completely ignores the moral of the original. JP was a cautionary tale that proves whenever man tries to exert his will over nature he will lose and just because we can do something it doesn’t mean we should. It’s classic man vs. nature ending with man being humbled. JW said, “Hey look, we’re going to keep doing that ethically questionable thing most people believe we shouldn’t be doing and wield the power of a god with no regards to any possible consequences,” and gets upset when the monster it created wreaks havoc. But does FK finally learn that lesson and try to take the franchise somewhere new that doesn’t lead the characters into being idiots who keep going back to the island? Do Michael Bay’s Transformers movies understand subtlety?

More than ever this movie has dumb characters making dumb decisions that nobody with a brain can follow. The villains want to capture the dinos and auction them off to billionaire criminals because these crime lords want them for pharmaceutical reasons (but why though?), the ability to hunt one like a big game hunter (because we also haven’t seen that before), or for weaponization. Let’s touch on that last point. The villains justify it by saying animals have been used in combat scenarios for centuries when armies rode to battle on horses and elephants. And the movie might have had a point if either one of those transportation methods hadn’t become outdated before the fifties.

Now just for the sake of argument I’ll list off a few more examples for this movie’s case: K-9 units, bomb detecting dolphins, and pidgins have all historically been used by one military or another at various times. But here’s the common thread among all those examples: none of those animals are predisposed to ripping a man’s head off in a single bite. Why do you think it isn’t common practice for a military to use lions and tigers and bears? And let’s take a closer look at the proliferation of working dogs and horses. Could it be that thousands if not millions of years of closely co-existing with humans have made them predisposed towards not killing us on sight? What’s that called? Oh yeah. Domestication!

Whether we’re talking about fiction or not, training an animal that never co-existed with humans so it can become an attack animal is not a good idea any way you slice it. Any semi-intelligent person can recognize that there are way too many variables to take into account. Oh but what about Blue, I hear you asking. Owen proved that raptors can be trained with Blue. That may be true but one successful instance against a multitude of failures does not prove the concept. Sure the Polish Supply Brigade around WWII kept a bear named Wojtek that would carry their supplies for them but you don’t see cargo bears being implemented throughout the world’s militaries these days. Do you know why? Because they’re freaking bears! They could go in for a playful swipe and nick your carotid by accident you MORONS!

And that leads me to this movie’s message. Apparently FK believes these animals have as much right to life as any other endangered species. That’s the whole reason Claire wants to go back so she can save them. But the film is bookended with Jeff Goldblum reprising his role as Ian Malcolm speaking before a congressional committee on how much that is a bad idea. He argues that nature selected the dinos for extinction millions of years ago and bringing them back was a mistake. The volcano erupting and eradicating the clone dinos on Isla Nublar, he says, is nature’s way of correcting that mistake. So the film opens and closes arguing why protecting these creatures from a second extinction is the worst. And yet we spend most of the runtime doing exactly that.

Seriously?

Malcolm has always been the ultimate voice of reason in these movies and we as an audience are inclined to agree with him given the proof each movie provides for his argument. There are four previous films illustrating why bringing the Earth’s most dangerous predators back to life is a horrible idea. And now that nature wants to correct the mistake you’re going to defy that decision?

The film uses Maisie here to make this case. The dinos are technically clones and we learn that Maisie is a clone as well so now we’re using clone rights to justify saving the dinosaurs. It is a weak argument thrown in at the last moment. Arguing for conservation is good and all but how well are you going to side with that argument when the T-Rex is meandering through a neighborhood gobbling up pedestrians left and right? These animals have lived on an island their entire lives. Aside from T-Rex who visited San Diego in the 90s they have never seen a town. The only human made structures they are familiar with were the derelict park buildings that the movie shows them waltzing through all the time. Even our own real world wild animals don’t understand that they should stay away from human settlements, how well do you think Blue is going to do the first time she’s caught in the headlights? But apparently they have a right to live because they are just as alive as Maisie the clone is so let’s end the movie by releasing all these dangerous animals, most of which are as large as a rhino or elephant, into the American countryside.

Sure, forget about public safety. Forget that dinosaurs had their chance but nature selected them for extinction over sixty million years ago. Forget about all the indigenous plant and wildlife that is now under threat because you just loosed at least eleven different dinos onto the world. Forget about how their nesting habits might destroy the landscape like nutria in Louisiana. What was your motivation again? Conservation? Give me a break.

Honestly this movie makes me glad Trevorrow was fired from Star Wars Episode Nine. This proves that he has no clue what decent writing looks like and has no regard for what the original was trying to say. Just because he was given the opportunity to make these films doesn’t mean he should have.

1 star out of 5

A forgettable and messy film that slowly meanders through the second and third act with no sense of purpose other than to say, “Ooooh look. It’s a dinosaur!” And it doesn’t even say that well.

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