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dennou-translations · 4 years

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Tokushima Shinbun Interview with Yano Shougo

Interviewing Yano Shougo-san, who has starred for the first time in the topical anime “Given” and is originally from Tokushima. “I wanted to be an actor that would make people go, ‘I’m glad I entrusted the role to him’.”

Yano Shougo-san (30), who is from Tokushima and belongs to the troupe Super Eccentric Theater (SET), played a starring role for the first time as a voice actor in the anime “Given”, which aired from July to September on Fuji TV. “Given” is a heartrending story that centers itself around a romance between men from the same rock band. Having received high evaluations for his acting and singing voice, which portrayed with excellence the delicate emotions of the protagonist, Satou Mafuyu, Yano-san has told us about the feelings he put into the role and about his future goals.

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——Good job on your first starring. Please tell us again about your impressions from when you were entrusted with the leading role.

Thank you very much. Playing a leading role in an anime series was my goal for 2019, so when my manager contacted me saying that I had passed the audition, I was happy to the point of shedding tears, but at the same time, I was also relieved. I could not sleep a wink the day before the recording of episode one, and at any rate, I was nervous. On the recording day, I was thinking as I headed to the studio, “It’d be great if the recording were tomorrow”, but I got over it a little by the moment that I thought, “If this anxiety would continue until tomorrow, then it’s actually better for it to be today!” and I remember relaxing straight away at it

——Yano-san, your fragile voice was a perfect fit for Mafuyu. What did you keep in mind when performing him? Were there any points that differed greatly in comparison to the roles you have been playing until now?

Mafuyu has an extremely painful past, unable to move a single step from where he was, as he bore a huge wound. Still, he has proper thoughts and feelings of his own, as well as a stubborn side, and though he has a mild and introverted personality, I figured that he was someone who had a strong core.

Other than that, when I saw him playing basketball with his friends, smiling and earnestly absorbing himself completely in music, I had the impression that he was a “high school boy that you can find anywhere”. This was something I always cherished when performing.

I have played uke roles before, but this was the first one where so many of my lines were “...” (laughs).

——What parts of Mafuyu do you think you have in common, Yano-san, and what parts are the total opposite of you?

I think we are just a little bit alike in that we are greedy about the things we like, and we are unable to concentrate on anything else when there is something that we need to do our best in order to achieve. What I feel to be the opposite is that Mafuyu gives off the impression that he is a big shot in some way, even without speaking much, while I am talkative and shy (laughs).

——You were also in charge of singing the insert song and ending theme song.

I knew ever since the audition phase just how essential Mafuyu’s song was for the series, so rather than my being happy about singing, the pressure was much more prominent. As a matter of course, the frequency of my voice training soon increased, and learned the basics and techniques of singing as much as time allowed me to. When I was first told about the composition, I thought, “This song was made for Mafuyu’s sake”. That is exactly why, rather than the technique, I reflected about why and how Mafuyu would be singing those lyrics, as well as the emotions that would be overflowing from him, and I thought I should sing it with care, without sugarcoating it.

——What did you keep in mind when singing as Mafuyu?

The song that Mafuyu sings bears his definite resolve to face his past and live in the present, thus I believed that I had to make it into something like a love confession, so to say - a song that could be sung because Mafuyu was the one doing it. For this, of course, technique was important, but I kept in mind that it would be okay even if it was rough-hewn or even if my voice faltered, as long as I sang in a way that would spit out everything Mafuyu had been shouldering.

——Although Noitamina has produced countless master piece animes, this has been their first Boys Love (BL), a series that depicts romance between males, so was there anything you were particularly conscious of when performing?

There was not. Just as I do when performing roles from other series, I performed while keeping in mind that I was going to live in the world of “Given” as Mafuyu with all my might.

——I believe there was such a huge response to “Given” due to its painful content, but did it get to your ears?

There are many fans of the original work not only in Japan but also overseas, so I became aware once again of the popularity of “Given”. That is just how high the expectations were for the anime adaptation, and I wanted people to like it even more when watching the anime, so I was truly happy when I actually did get evaluations like that on Twitter, etc.

——The airing of the anime “Given” is over, but a movie adaptation was green-lit. Please leave a message for the fans.

The story of “Given” will continue from now on too. I hope everyone can watch over what kind of sounds will come from Mafuyu’s song, Given’s (as in the band that Mafuyu and the others formed in the show) music and their romance from now onward.

——From here on out, Yano-san, I want to ask you about yourself. It seems you wanted to be an announcer at first.

I had the vague desire to move into the television business, and from yet another vague motive of wanting to become an announcer and engage with my favorite variety show, I started thinking in my third year of high school that I wanted to be an announcer.

——Why did you aim for voice actor from there?

After graduating from high school, I took a gap year in order to attend university, and during that time, I watched “Neon Genesis Evangelion” as per a friend’s recommendation, so with this as the trigger, I became interested in anime. I had almost never watched anime until then and was unfamiliar with voice actors, so I was shocked when I read in the end roll that Ogata Megumi-san was the one who played the role of Ikari Shinji, a boy, thus I became interested in them.

——Was there anything you put effort into in order to become a voice actor?

During my gap year, I watched many animes, looked up the voice actors that piqued my curiosity and imitated their acting, and performed lines from anime and manga with as much emotion as I could. I also bought a training book for becoming a voice actor and practiced enunciation while keeping it a secret from my family.

——What are the details of your joining SET?

I was was part of a the theater research association in university, but when I was in my fourth year, I once gave up the way of an actor and went job hunting. Even so, I wanted to have a job that was related to acting, so I took the recruitment test of a major production company hoping to become a manager, but during the individual interview, the person in charge told me, “Are you really all right with giving up on becoming an actor? If you want to be a voice actor, then go study theatre”.

And so, I began wanting to challenge myself one more time, so I stopped job hunting and after looking into audition magazines, I took an audition to become a research student of SET, where I could learn the essentials for musical, action and comedic theatre. I became a research student at 23, and after about a year of lessons and a graduation performance, I became an official member at the age of 24.

——Please tell us about the works and roles you did before your voice actor debut.

During my first year in becoming a troupe member, I played the role of Saburou, the protagonist of the TV anime “Nobunaga Kyousoukyoku”, as a motion actor - the kind of actor who does the gestures that are used as base for the characters’ movements.

I also participated in the troupe’s own public performance. It was a role where I had to drink coffee and say only one phrase, “It’s sweet”. It was a sentence that connected with a funny punchline, so I had been thinking all along about how I should act it out in order to induce laughter, and even during the performance, I did many attempts.

——After that, you debuted as a voice actor in the anime “Yu-Gi-Oh! ARC-V”.

When I was selected, I was really happy to be able to take the voice acting job that I had once given up on. I was brimming with confidence for some reason, even though I had no experience points. But when I went to the studio, I was no good at all; I would get nervous every week and had to stay overtime a lot, so I honestly hated going to the studio (laughs). Even so, thanks to the director and all the co-stars not throwing away someone like me, who did not know left and right, and instead nurturing me during the three years of “Yu-Gi-Oh! ARC-V”, I changed my thinking and posture in regards of acting.

——Afterward, you became capable of being entrusted with important roles, such as in “iDOLM@STER SideM” and “Tsurune —Kazemai Koukou Kyuudoubu—“, but were there any parts of them where you could feel your own growth?

In that I started thinking it was fun to perform. Even now, I still get nervous when going on-site, but as I would read the script, think about the role and create a foundation for my acting, I feel like I have become able to perform in front of the mic by responding to the acting of the person playing the other role, without thinking about unnecessary things, little by little. The moment I feel that the air has set to motion and it has turned into a drama is, if nothing else, enjoyable. I started having challenges, aspirations and goals for myself, such as, “I want to perform like this more” or, “I could bring this role into life more if I performed like that”.

——What are the fun and difficult parts of voice acting? Please tell us about your future goals too.

I believe the fun in being a voice actor is that we can perform roles that would be difficult in filming or on a stage.

There are many things that you can only learn in a recording site. When I go to them, I find a whole lot of people who are better at acting than I am, so I have to earn a role for myself. I fail most of my auditions and get depressed each time. Even so, I want to keep showing up in those series and play a role that moves the story. I always strongly think that I want to become an actor who can make people go, “I want to use Yano for this” and, “I’m glad I entrusted this role to Yano”.

——From now on, between actor and voice actor, which one to you plan to put more strength into?

Voice actor. That being said, in order to broaden my ranges as an actor too, I think I have to take on all kinds of jobs that require technique for different facial expressions on-stage. For us voice actors, charming people are mostly those who are also charismatic on the stage, so I think I also want to become a charming actor.

——Are you able to return to Tokushima regularly even now?

I make sure to go back as often as I can during summer vacation and New Years.

——Are there any parts of your life in Tokushima that have been put to good use in your acting jobs?

I seldom have any chance to come in contact with anything related to acting in Tokushima. Even if I had interest in voice actors and acting, wanted to attend a training school or thought about going to watch a play, they were all things that could not come true if I stayed in Tokushima. That is why I created many opportunities to come in contact with acting after moving to Tokyo, such as joining my university’s theatre research association and attending a school where I could study voice acting. I think I could cultivate something like a hungry spirit exactly because I used to live in Tokushima.

——If there is anything or any place in Tokushima that you like, please tell us.

Awa Dance, I guess. I did not like it that much when I was little, but after I became an adult, the group dance I watched from a box seat was stunning, and it made me so emotional that I started crying.

Also, the park that my grandfather often took me to when I was a child, though I don’t know if it still exists. I would put rice balls and pickled horseradish in a big plastic container and go there. I have memories of eating them with cold tea from a polyethylene teapot with my grandfather, after playing badminton. I want to do the same with my children and grandchildren when I become a parent and a grandpa.

——Yano-san, since you have made your dream come true, please leave a message to the young people who are chasing their dreams in Tokushima.

Time passes in a flash. For now, please do what you can with all your might. It can be anything, like classes, club activities, cultural festivals, sports festivals or romance.

If there is anything you can work your hardest in over there, please try facing it with all you have. It will certainly become a sustenance for your life from this point onward. I believe that it is better to do something and regret it than to regret not having done it.

Should there be anyone aiming to become an actor, please take action while constantly thinking about how you can get closer to the future that you have as your goal. I think there are surely many things you can do even if you are in Tokushima.

If you do not know what you should do after doing a research and reflecting on it, have courage and go consult someone who can give advice. Nothing is in vain, but rather than spending time not thinking about anything, I believe that spending time thinking about whatever is more worthwhile.

Please do your best. I will do my best too.

——Please leave a message for the fans who are cheering for you from Tokushima.

Thank you so very much for supporting me. The other day, when I took part in a recital play being held in Tokushima, I was able to show my acting to my family for the first time. They were very pleased.

Most events are held in the Tokyo Metropolitan Area, so I believe that people cannot go watch them even if they want to. My wish for more and more people to experience an event in Tokushima and see me working has become even stronger.

I will be doing my best from now on too in order to be able to take part in more series, play all kinds of roles, get to do an event in Tokushima again someday and have people come talk to me. I will be counting with your continued support from this point onward too.

#fyeahgiven #satou mafuyu #dailygiven #givendaily #given #yano shougo #my translation #seiyuu #interview

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hopelikethemoon · 4 years

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Pretty Woman (Javier x Reader) {MTMF} [smut]

Title: Pretty Woman Rating: Explicit Length: 3700 Warnings: Angst (discussions of depression, therapy, etc.) and Smut (Bathtub sex) Notes: You can find the Maybe Today, Maybe Forever Timeline here. Set in September late 1997. It starts with Javier POV and jumps to Reader’s. Summary: Javier and Reader go to therapy and try to work on things.

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Javier slowly rocked his lower jaw as he stared at the therapist. The older woman had asked him to ‘talk about what was on his mind’. There was a lot on his mind. How specific did she want him to get?

He scrubbed his hands over his face, glancing to his left towards the window. It was a gorgeous day outside, it seemed like a damned shame to be trapped inside talking to a shrink. He’d had to talk to therapists before. Psych evaluations were a commonplace when you handled guns for the government. But none of that ever delved into the sort of shit this meeting was supposed to delve into.

“Whenever you feel ready, Mr. Peña.”

Javier swallowed thickly, slowly looking back at Nancy. “There’s a lot to say.” He admitted, brows drawn together as he rubbed his thumb over his bottom lip.

“Let’s start at the beginning, alright? How did the two of you meet?”

“Work.” Javier scratched at his jaw. “She came to Colombia in 1987.”

Nancy nodded slowly, “And when did your relationship begin?”

“1992.” He sank back on the sofa, rubbing at the back of his neck, letting his hand linger there at the curve of his throat. “Our daughter was born the following year.”

She wrote something down in her notebook, nodding her head thoughtfully. “And how was that experience for you, Javier?”

There it was.

“Not great.” Javier admitted, staring at the ground. “It was a fucked up situation for both of us. We kept our relationship a secret for about a year. I wasn’t really involved, at all, during the pregnancy.”

“Why not?”

“She cared about her job at the DEA more than I did. I mean, her reservations weren’t without cause. They treated her like shit for being pregnant. Knowing what I know now, I don’t blame her.” Javier shifted in his seat. “We’ve hashed all of this out before. It’s a dead horse we keep beating.”

“What do you mean by keep beating? That implies you’ve had this conversation with her more than once.”

He clenched his teeth together and nodded. “Yeah.” Javier twisted the ring on his left finger nervously. “Look, I know I’m not fucking innocent in all of this. I think I fell in love with her in the summer of ‘89. Or at least realized I was in love with her.” He shrugged his shoulders. “I knew she deserved better than me—”

Nancy interjected, “What do you mean by that?”

“That she deserves better than me? Exactly what I said.”

“Why do you think that?”

“You’ve met her.” Javier folded his arms across his chest, feeling defensive. “She’s perfect and I’m… Look, I’ve fucked up a lot. I can own that.”

“No one is perfect,” Nancy shook her head slowly. “Do you think that might put a weight on her?”

“What?” Javier frowned. “I think she’s perfect. That’s my personal opinion and that’s not going to change.”

“Isn’t that opinion the reason why you don’t think you’re good enough for her?”

He looked away. “No.”

“Then what is the reason?”

Javier pressed his tongue to the inside of his cheek, “I don’t know where to begin with that one, Nancy.” He admitted, rubbing at the crease between his brows. “I fucked up a lot before her. Before our relationship.” He exhaled heavily, “She was a damn good agent and I’m the reason she had to leave that behind.”

“Do you feel guilty about that?”

“So many questions.” He huffed. “Yeah. Of course I feel guilty about it.”

“But you feel responsible for her losing her job?”

Javier swallowed thickly. “Yeah.”

“And why is that?”

“That night was a long time coming, but I shouldn’t… We were both drunk.”

“You were both under the influence.”

“I think we were shot for shot.” He frowned, thinking back to that night. “Yeah, we were. She left before I had the chance to tell her that I didn’t want it to be a one night stand.”

“Do you resent her for that?”

Javier rubbed his thumb over the ring on his finger, nodding slowly. “But I’m just as much at fault. I chose not to confront her for three months. I thought she just didn’t want anything to do with me.”

“And how long has it been since your daughter was born?” Nancy questioned.

“Josie? She’ll be five in May.”

“No, your newborn.” She made a note in her journal, before flipping back a few pages, humming thoughtfully.

“She’s three months old.”

“I see.” She nodded. “You have a pattern, Javier. Something happens and you wait… What are you waiting for?”

Javier stared at a spot just above Nancy’s head, his jaw clenched tight. “I decided a long time ago that I would rather have some of her, rather than none of her.” He admitted, rubbing at his eyes then. They burned with the pull of emotion he felt. “I love her.”

“There is no question that either of you love each other. You shield each other from your own pain at the detriment of your wellbeing.” She closed her journal, shaking her head. “You understand what your partner is going through, don’t you?”

Javier nodded slowly, “Postpartum depression. I should’ve seen it sooner. She wasn’t herself, but I just thought...”

“That what happened in Colombia was happening again?”

“That she almost died and she realized she didn’t want this.”

“But that isn’t the case, is it?”

Javier shook his head. “I checked out a book at the library. I want to figure out how I can help her.”

“The fact that you’re here is proof enough.” Nancy told him warmly. “I have worked with couples who refused to participate. Husbands — partners — who didn’t think they needed to be involved in this process.”

“I want to help her.” Javier said resolutely. “I want to help both of us get back to where we were before. Better than we were before.”

He knew there was shit. Unintentional pain they’d inflicted on each other. And this funky little room with a bonsai tree, miniature fountain, and overstuffed sofa was going to be the place they figured it out.

Nancy smiled at him, “You both love each other very much, Javier. That is not something you should worry about with her.”

“Thank you.” He said, rubbing his hands together. “Is there… homework or something?”

“There is.” She laughed softly. “I’m suggesting that both of you engage in intimacy with each other before our next session. It doesn’t have to be anything more than holding each other’s hands or perhaps even a massage. But I want you to listen to each other and speak to each other.”

“And that’s it?” Javier frowned, leaning forward. “Shouldn’t there be more homework?”

“The issues you’re both facing won’t be solved overnight.”

“Well, thank you.” Javier glanced at his watch. “I have to go pick the kids up from the sitter.”

“I’ll see you next week.”

----

Therapy was weird. You had spent so many years bottling everything up. For a while you had Connie, Steve, and Javier to vent with, but then the Murphys left and your relationship with Javier changed. And then you had Connie again — but even with her there were issues you didn’t want to burden her with.

So you carried the burden.

That was something you had identified with Nancy. You and Javier were two extremely similar people. Whether it had always been that way or proximity had guaranteed it — you reacted similarly.

Which did fuck all when it came to voicing frustrations.

For three months you slept beside Javier, oblivious to the fact that he thought you’d unofficially ended things with him. Either he was too good at hiding his emotions or you had been too wrapped up in yourself.

And you had.

Nancy reassured you that everything you were feeling was valid. Those fears, self-doubts, worries — they weren’t your fault. But you’d have to work to get rid of them. And it might not be easy.

You weren’t particularly fond of the way she had you reflect on your relationship with Javier. There were sore spots that were still sore and she knew exactly how to salt the wound.

“Are we allowed to talk about therapy?” You questioned, tucking your legs beneath you as you settled onto the sofa, grabbing the blanket off the back and pulling it around you. “Or is it a secret society?”

Javier hummed thoughtfully, clicking his tongue against his teeth as he settled down onto the sofa beside you. “She didn’t say.” He glanced at you. “I won’t tell if you won’t tell.”

You laughed softly, shuffling closer to him so you could sink into his side. “I found it frustrating, but in a good way.”

He readjusted the blanket so it was around both of you, curling his arm around your waist and pulling you in closer. “Yeah. It was rough. I didn’t think it was revolutionary—“

“No!” You shook your head.

“But it was nice to talk to someone outside of it.” Javier squeezed your arm. “Did she give you homework?”

“A journal.” You answered. “She wants me to write down the good things that happen every day.”

“Huh.”

“What?”

Javier tilted his head to look at you, “She told me to engage in intimacy.”

You blushed. “That’s definitely because of my session.” You turned into him, pressing your face against his shoulder to hide the warmth in your cheeks.

“Now you’re gonna have to tell me, baby.”

You groaned, shaking your head. “It’s so stupid.”

“I’m sure it isn’t.” He rubbed your back. “Tell me.”

You pinched his side lightly. “Shut up.”

“Ow.” Javier laughed. “I wonder what Nancy will think about that.”

You narrowed your eyes at him. “It’s embarrassing.”

“Really?”

“Javier.” You pursed your lips and attempted to pout, but he was undeterred. Nancy had told you to discuss things after all. “Fine.” You crossed your arms across your chest and sighed. “I don’t even remember what we were discussing, but we got onto the topic of sex and how that area of our life was.”

“Ah.”

“You should’ve realised where this was going.” You scolded him. “We’ve had our dry spells. But you haven’t touched me since April.”

Javier raked his fingers through his hair, sighing heavily. “Because I was afraid.”

“I know. But it’s almost October.”

“And with everything you’ve been dealing with—“

“Almost seven months.”

“Shit.” He rubbed at his jaw. “How the hell has it been that long?”

“I’m not breakable.” You reminded him.

“I know you’re not.” He squeezed your shoulder three short times, before he leaned forward to press a kiss to your forehead.

“And sex is good for mental health.”

“Well then, it’s decided.” He teased lightly, playing his fingers over your hair.

“Let’s watch the movie and see where the night goes.” You told him, reaching up to brush your fingers over his jawline. “Does that sound like a plan?”

He nodded.

——

“Is that movie why you wanted a big bathtub?” Javier questioned, arms folded against his chest as he watched you leaning over the side of the tub to test the temperature.

“Maybe.” You clicked your tongue against your teeth and stood up straight, turning around to face him. “You can’t tell me you didn’t enjoy it.”

“It was an interesting choice.” He drawled out, pushing away from the wall, taking a step towards you. There was a look in his eyes that had your heart racing. “That piano scene.”

You smirked at him. “Right?” You tilted your head as he drew nearer, your breath wavering as he crowded into your space. “Were you inspired?” Fuck. You hoped the answer was yes. You had missed this — him.

Javier canted his head to the side as he closed the distance between you, his breath was hot against your lips, but he didn’t kiss you. Not yet.

He ran his hands along your waist dragging them down to your hips. There was a certain reverence to his touch. “I don’t know how he did it. Not kissing her.” He lifted his hand and traced his thumb over your bottom lip.

“Because it makes for a good movie.” You whispered, curling your fingers around the back of his neck. “But don’t make me wait, Javi”

Javier brushed his lips against yours, hesitantly at first, before he slanted his mouth hungrily over yours. It was the sort of stoke-your-fire kiss that you had been dying for. Even after Sofia, you had just wanted to be kissed like you were alive. Passion, need, want.

But you didn’t dwell on the past.

You moaned against his mouth, your fingers sliding through his hair. With your other hand, you started to unbutton his shirt, greedily trying to get under the layers that he’d kept between the two of you.

Javier had the same idea, peeling off your sleep pants, fingers hooking into the waistband of your underwear before he stopped. He pulled back, looking downwards. “I haven’t seen these in awhile.”

“I was hoping the movie might be inspiring.” You whispered, sliding your hand over his chest seductively, before you took a step back to pull off your top, showing off your matching bra. “You like?”

He leaned down to kiss you again, dragging his teeth over your bottom lip. “I love it.” He brushed his nose against yours. “I love you.” Javier trailed a row of kisses along your jawline, down your throat, his tongue darting out over your collarbone.

You reached for the counter behind you, fingers gripping at it for support as Javier’s mouth continued downwards. He pressed open-mouthed kissed over your stomach, leaving no patch of skin untouched. He nipped at you, teeth catching soft skin before his tongue soothed the same spot.

Javier rose back up to his full height, his hand slipping in between your thighs as his mouth caught yours again. You draped your arms over his shoulders, nails scraping against his back as you rocked into his touch.

He stroked his fingers over your cunt through your underwear, his thumb expertly finding that little bundle of nerves that had arousal flooding your system. You were already slick with want, you could feel the way your underwear was clinging to you. Feeling his fingers on you was better than anything you could’ve done for yourself.

You reached down to work on his pants. You fumbled with his belt, forcing it open, before you slid down the zipper and shoved them down his hips.

Javier took a step back and kicked them off, followed by his boxers. You couldn’t resist leaning back against the counter and raking your eyes over his naked flesh. “Like what you see?” He questioned with a smirk.

“Oh, yeah.” You laughed breathlessly. You moved in close to him, one hand sliding around the back of his neck as you leaned up to kiss him, while your other hand moved downwards and curled around his cock. You stroked him slowly, your thumb dragging along the underside of his cock — before you released him and stepped around him with a teasing grin. “The bath is getting cold.”

You could feel Javier’s eyes on you as you leaned over the side of the tub and tested the temperature again. He took the bait. He moved towards you, his hands curling around your hips, sliding up your waist. With deft fingers he unclasped the back of your bra, before dragging your underwear down your thighs.

“Javi.” You breathed out as you stood back up, leaning back against him. His mouth was at the crook of your neck, his tongue darting out to tease you there. His hand skimmed over your stomach, fingers leaving patterns against your skin.

“Baby,” Javier whispered. You tilted your head to look at him. “Can I tell you that you’re perfect?”

Your brows furrowed and you laughed. “Yes?”

“Because you are.” He drawled out, squeezing your hip as you turned around to face him. You ran your hands over his arms, tilting your head as you looked up at him. “You’re fucking perfect to me.”

You smiled up at him, “Why don’t you get in the bathtub and you can show me how perfect you think I am.”

Javier sank down into the first bathtub first, wet fingers gliding through his dark hair as he settled back against the wall of the tub. Your eyes wandered over him, watching the way the water lapped at his skin as he moved in it. The way his cock jutted upwards from beneath the water. Fuck.

“I missed you.” You whispered as you climbed into the bathtub and settled onto his lap.

Javier gently trailed his fingers over your breast, his fingers curling around your ribs, “Can I?” He questioned, brushing his thumbs over the skin beneath your breasts.

You nodded slowly as you leaned in to kiss him. A moan slipped past your lips as he grasped at your breasts, palming them roughly. One time, years ago, you told him not to touch your breasts, and ever since then he still asked you for permission to fondle you. No one could claim he didn’t listen to you.

You pressed your forehead against his, breathing raggedly as you lifted up on your knees. “Need you.” You mumbled, curling your fingers around his cock as you guided him to your center.

Javier hissed out your name as you sank down onto his cock, his hips rocking upwards to meet you. You clenched around him as you settled back into his lap. “Fuck.” He leaned back against the tub. “You feel so fucking good, baby.” He ran his hand over your stomach, before he grabbed at your hip tightly.

You arched your back, rolling your hips as you ground yourself against him. Everywhere he touched felt warm — and his hands were everywhere. He ran his hands along your sides, gripped at your hips hard enough to leave bruises, and cupped your breasts with both hands. There was no part of you that felt untouched by him.

Javier drew his knees up behind you, causing you to lean forward. He tangled his fingers in your hair, cradling the back of your head as he drew you back to him so he could kiss you. His tongue slipped past your lips, dragging over your tongue as he kissed you so thoroughly. He started moving beneath you, his cock barely leaving you before his hips met yours once more.

Your nails dug into his shoulders, leaving crescent-shaped marks on his skin. His hand smoothed up your back, clinging to you as you moved together. “Close.” You warned him, your inner walls already starting to flutter around him.

“I know, baby. Let go.” Javier urged you as you worked his hand in between your bodies, his fingers seeking out that little bundle of nerves that would set you careening over the edge. Your body tensed, pleasure rocketing through you as he pressed into you — filling you up completely as you came apart around him. Your name was on his tongue as you felt him spill within you seconds later.

You let yourself sink forward, resting against his chest as you basked in the pure pleasure of your release. You had missed that. The moment where it felt like the two of you were existing in the same space at the same time.

“I love you.” You whispered, brushing your nose against his throat, smiling at the way he was running his hand up and down the length of your back.

“I love you too.” Javier murmured, squeezing your hip. “Nancy might be worth her prices.”

You snorted. “Calm down Richard Gere. Are we going to talk therapy while we bathe?” You pulled back, grinning at him.

The look of adoration you found in his eyes made your heart ache. “I’ve missed seeing you smile like that.” He lifted his hand and cupped your cheek.

You leaned into his touch. “We’re not out of the woods yet, Javi. Sadly, I don’t think we can fuck my depression away. Though I’m not opposed to trying.”

“We can give it a valiant effort.” Javier’s lips curved upwards at the corners. “I want us to get better.”

“Me too.” You sighed, tracing your fingertips over his chest. Reluctantly you rose up on your knees, letting his cock slip out of you so you could readjust yourself, laying back against his chest.

Javier kissed your shoulder as he curled his arms around your waist. “What’s going in your journal today?” He questioned, nuzzling your shoulder.

“Josie drew me about a dozen pictures while she was with Monica this afternoon.” You pursed your lips as you thought. “There was a breakthrough on a case at work, which was nice. I actually felt pretty excited about that.”

He splashed you playfully.

“Easy!” You laughed. “I’m getting there. And finally, convincing you to finally watch Pretty Woman with me is my last entry for the day.”

“That’s all?”

“Oh, am I supposed to put sex in my journal?” You tilted your head to grin back at him.

“That’s my proof that I’m doing my homework.” He teased.

“Don’t worry, babe. You’re in the journal.” You promised him.

You knew you weren’t going to suddenly overcome this. But for the first time in weeks you actually did feel good. Maybe it was talking to Nancy, maybe it was finally figuring out why things between you and Javier had been strained.

But that didn’t change the fact that an unwelcome visitor would still crawl into your mind tonight and try to convince you that you weren’t enough for your family. Tomorrow you would still catch yourself floundering under the weight of your worries. There was no magic switch that made it go away. You had to keep fighting it until one day it wasn’t lurking around the corners of your mind.

These were the good moments that reminded you of what you were fighting for.

#javier pena #javier pena x reader #pedro pascal x reader

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catherinehart-artfoundation · 3 years

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Final Project Evaluation

Despite this project being something completely new to me, I found that overall I enjoyed it quite a bit and felt I learnt a lot about set design and the process overall. It was nice to get an insight on how it would work in real life which I found out from my own process as well as through my research.

Looking back at the original project proposal now, I’m very glad I chose something that interested me so much. My interests have a habit of changing a lot however my love of Alice Through the Looking Glass is one that never really goes so it was a smart choice from the start. I managed to keep interest throughout even when I didn’t particularly want to do certain parts because I simply found myself to enjoy the project because it was something I really enjoyed.

I felt like the process of this project has been a smooth one. With some of my other projects previously - be it from art foundation or college - I’ve found that my work can jump from one idea to another but with this project I felt that each step very successfully went from one stage to the next with a good amount of detail that allowed me to continue experimenting.

I always kept in mind my initial proposal when working. My main goals from that were to make a set inspired by the illustrations, book and other early related media. I felt my project has kept true to this thoroughly throughout. The only change was probably that at the beginning I didn’t know that I’d just do one set - to make the process easier and not too much of a difficulty - but I think that was something I simply learnt during the project that I couldn’t’ve known beforehand.

With the research I’ve done throughout the project, I felt it has all helped with the outcome. The research I did for the main theme of Alice Through the Looking glass really helped with my understanding of how to approach the sets and the designs of them. The research pertaining to the creation of sets also really helped in my understanding of how to lay out my project and how it is done in the real world.

I found myself going back to previous research to make sure I was on track. This included seeing how real set designers would present their final sets as well as looking back at coloured illustrations that I found early on and continuing research on them to find suitable colour palettes. I feel that my research has successfully aided my work and that I’ve kept using it throughout to keep a focus on a successful set and a faithfulness to the original book and its illustrations.

I feel like in this project I've improved on my skills regarding the creative practice. As said before, I found the process to be a lot smoother and well structured than previous ones which I believe shows how well I have improved with this project.

I found this project to be very fun and doing something I'd never done before in the 3D specialism helped me broaden my knowledge in 3D work. I'm still very interested in the idea of doing 3D further with model making because the broad subject and room for freedom is still very interesting for me.

If I were to do the project again I would have a lot more knowledge on the subject of set design so I think there would definitely be some things I would do differently. In a bigger project I would like to think about more aspects of a play such as costume, the script (although I did have this partially with the books text though it is still not exactly the same as a script) and lighting in more depth. This is because in a real production the whole team would have to work together to make each separate element work. If I could work on a bigger and longer project I would like to work in this scenario whether it be with other people or just another made up scenario. Another idea would be to find ways to streamline work such as printing out colours for set pieces or laser cutting card pieces so cutting and colouring isn't such a tedious process.

Some more simple changes if I did the project again or simply continued it would be to just do another one of the sets I designed near the start. I was very fond of a lot of the other designs so it would be fun to tackle one of them on the same scale as my final set. It would also be fun to work with different mediums other than paper, card MDF, etc. that I used in this set. Perhaps utilising existing miniatures or using another medium to sculpt objects for more detailed sets could be a fun and different approach to a set for the same play.

I feel in this project I've found a lot of problems and overcome them successfully. Whenever something didn't work or something wasn't right I made sure to fix it. I found this to especially prevalent near the end of the set box where I didn't give up with what I'd done and strived to continue to add to the set to make it look good. I also always took in feedback from my peers and I often found that suggestions from other people improved the sets design and feel.

I made sure to keep challenging myself during this project. Not only did I try something I'd never done before but I also made sure to use varied materials. I used watercolours for colouring the set pieces but also used gouache to stretch my ability and try a new colouring medium. The set box was also one of my biggest outcome pieces so far and to work in quite a large scale was a new skill to understand and learn how to create a successful outcome.

During the experimentation segments of this project I was quite set on ideas of what to do next so there wasn't a large amount of testing materials. I knew I wanted to use card for the set pieces to allow for colouring and because it was an easy material to work with. However whenever I could use multiple things for the piece I always experimented with different ideas. Although I knew I wanted to use watercolour to colour the set pieces, I chose to experiment with gouache paints since I was aware that they had a nice bright colour outcome. When I found I liked the colour the paints made I decided to use both them and watercolours together. I also experimented with the colours of cellophane to make sure I had the right colour effect with the spotlight lighting. I felt experimenting with different materials like this really enhanced the outcome visually as if I didn't the set as a whole wouldn't look as bright and striking.

Throughout this project there was a lot I learnt simply from trying out different things. Researching set design specifically also really helped me understand how I should approach the process properly. I also feel my reflection once an experimental section was done always helped the next part of the project. Looking back on what I’d done well and wrong helped me take the next steps better and think of how to improve and expand on the project. Overall, I’m very happy with the project especially with the final tweaks I did. When I looked back at what I thought was the final set I knew I wasn’t happy so my own reflections helped me decide to improve the set for the better. My own reflections as well as aid and critique from my peers have really helped this project go smoothly and make changed that I myself would not have thought about.

So overall this project was a great success and it hasn’t turned me away from the idea of doing more set design projects in the future. It has also helped me understand the creative process and its nature so that I can continue to use it well in future projects.

#final project #art foundation

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numberchick76 · 3 years

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At simply 1mg daily for 3 weeks a medical test showed an average gain of 1.21 kg in LBM which is virtually 1 extra pound of LBM weekly which is definitely ridiculous thinking about the time framework and also the fact that they were not also training. Unlike Ostarine, LGD-4033 does not seem to enhance liver enzymes nonetheless like Ostarine it did adversely affect good cholesterol degrees. It is worth stating that taking SARMs is NOT as efficient as steroids. If they were then everyone making use of steroids would certainly have quit and switched a long period of time earlier. Having claimed this, SARMs are taken at a much reduced dose than steroids/testosterone. A typical Ostarine dose is 20mg for 8 weeks however a normal 8-week testosterone dose would certainly be anywhere in between mg weekly, so if Ostarine was taken at a similar dose would certainly similar testosterone results happen?

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It appears that there is evidence that ostarine is significantly turning up in supplements. There are presently 60 products on USADA's High Threat Checklist which contain ostarine. The purpose of this research study is to check the safety and security of GSK in males and females with COPD as well as muscle weakness. The research will certainly examine the effects of GSK on muscular tissue assessed as adjustments in leg toughness, muscle mass, and practical actions such as walking capability. Testolone was established to increase muscle mass dimension, lower fat, as well as increase testosterone levels. Below at Peak Body Nourishment, we are a company with body builders in mind, supplying a big option of supplements for a variety of various functions.

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The recomping effect of losing fat as well as gaining muscle at the same time is what the majority of customers are searching for. Trying to achieve this when you are not absolutely new to training is incredibly hard. As the majority of Ostarine materials come in 30ml bottles at 25mg/ml, a dose of 17.5 mg daily will certainly give the individual a 6 week cycle from one container, an excellent concession in between an anabolic dose as well as expense. Now the gains in absolute weight won't be comparable to steroids such as diannabol, however what will be gotten will certainly virtually exclusivley be lean mass. As a result of the lack of closure in contrast to steroids/prohormones, a PCT duration is not needed and almost all the mass that is gained on Ostarine is kept as soon as the cycle is completed. Ostarine in particular applies its anabolic impacts on muscle cells practically specifically.

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my diete was 2200 calorie per day for get shreds as well as i take strenght and maintain the muscle i believe its not fake ostarine. however i have diareha with ostarine yet this side effect is normal.

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In this area, you will locate both SARMS, and products that are similar to SARM items. In phase 1 and also stage 2 tests which lasted 12 weeks 268 individuals with low HDL levels were offered 2.5,5,10 mg daily. Throughout this time excellent cholesterol enhanced by 17% and bad cholesterol was minimized by 7%. Bodyweight likewise increased usually 1.3 kg nonetheless a LBM vs fat mass analysis was not finished.

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divineluce · 4 years

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Trying Not To Pillow Talk|| Nadia & Luce

Location: The Vural Residence

Tagging: @humanmoodring

Timing: May 17th, 2020

Details: Nadia and Luce are just v soft (even if Luce ain’t about it).

Wiping her mouth with the back of her hand, Luce slid back up to the head of the bed to lie next to Nadia, a self-satisfied grin plastered on her face. She lay on her stomach, watching the other woman intently. “How you feeling there, hm?” She asked, no small amount of teasing in her voice as she propped herself up on one of the pillows. She really appreciated that Nadia was the type to be aware of volume control-- Luce had lost count of how many of her hookups had nearly been sabotaged because of Bea pounding her fist against their shared wall-- but, it also meant there was less vocal feedback in the moment. That said, she was pretty confident in her abilities. Running a hand through her mussed up hair, Luce scooted away slightly from Nadia, giving her space in bed. She knew she ran warm and hardly any of the people she’d hooked up with in the past were into her space-heater like temperatures. Which worked, honestly, it saved her from dealing with people who wanted to cuddle.

Taking a moment to get her breathing back to where she wanted it, Nadia turned her head a bit to look at Luce. Eyes halfway closed, cheeks flushed, Nadia felt just about as relaxed and good as she’d felt in, well, in a very long time. She raised an eyebrow, though, and allowed a cheeky grin to spread over her face. “Probably about as good as you do,” she said, more than just a little confident in herself, especially now that she was aware she was actually feeling other people’s emotions. Was it cheating? Maybe a little bit, but it’s not really cheating if it’s for the other person’s benefit, she believed. It’d served her well back in college, before the blackouts had gotten too bad, and it’d served her well now. Thinking back on college, on the kind of person she’d been then, she couldn’t help but feel just a melancholy, even in the afterglow. All of her last few hookups had been because she just wanted to feel something, anything but the everpresent hole that she’d felt when she’d lost her friend. And now, she couldn’t help but feel like this was just a bit similar. Except she knew Luce, had been around her enough to find her genuinely attractive. And she didn’t feel like this was anything serious for the other woman, either. Still. She felt a bit like a wound had opened, really, one she didn’t like to think about. But it was there. Like a few tears prickly at the corners of her eyes, traitors. She raised up on her good elbow a bit, tried to blink them away. Turned to Luce, gave her a bit of a smile. “How do you feel?”

Pleased with herself at Nadia's words, Luce looked like a cat that had gotten the cream. In a very literal way, she supposed, the stupid joke making her grin even more. She was damn good in bed and she knew it-- but, it was always nice to hear it expressed. Rubbing the back of her neck, still thinking about the way the other woman and pushed her in just the right ways, Luce nodded. “I can’t disagree with you there.” She said, her response deliberately underplaying how very much into this whole situation she was. Eyes trained on Nadia, she took in the other woman’s soft skin, the curve of jaw, the line of her neck. Gorgeous. Absolutely stunning. She’d figured that Nadia would be just as beautiful in bed as she was normally, but up close? Whole nother ball game. As she stared at her, Luce’s grin faltered a bit at the way that she saw her eyelashes flutter. Uh, was something wrong? “Me? Oh, I’m great. Fantastic, one could say.” She said with an off hand gesture. Eyebrows arching slightly, she weighed her options. On the one hand, she could keep her mouth shut and just chill and enjoy the post-sex haze that settled between them. On the other hand, she could be nosey. Fuck. “You sure you’re good?” Luce asked.

Though the other woman tried to play it a bit coy with her response, Nadia still allowed her smile to widen a bit, grow more genuine. It was easy to play it cool with your words; emotions were a bit harder to hide. Not that she minded, particularly. It was nice to enjoy and be affected by someone else’s emotions for once. It was rarely enjoyable, out in public. But here, with Luce, in her bed, it was pleasant. Something nice to latch onto. She wondered, briefly, how long she could get away with staying and just… being. Usually, she got out as quickly as possible after hookups, as soon as she could stumble out the door, really, be that immediately after or the next morning. But… they knew each other, and neither of them were drunk. This wasn’t particularly random; in fact, they’d planned it. There was nothing random about this at all. Nadia didn’t actually know what that meant and, for the first time that night, was feeling a bit unsure. She was happy that Luce was happy, but everything else. She let out a slight laugh. Fuck, she needed to learn to get ahold of her own emotions. “I’m, well, I mean, it’s been awhile since I’ve done this. Just a bit… introspective I guess.” God, that sounded incredibly unsexy.

Gaze still focused on the woman in her bed, Luce shifted slightly under the rumpled sheets that covered them. It wasn’t that she was uncomfortable or anything-- she’d asked the question, she’d opened up whatever can of worms was coming. But, for all her bravado and her posturing, there was a small seed of doubt in the back of her mind. Yeah, she was good in bed, yeah she’d gotten what she’d wanted out of this. But, she didn’t like using people without them getting something back in return. Maybe that was the result of a magical up-bringing, her fixation on give and take, and equivalent exchange. Either way, when Nadia mentioned that it’d been a while, she felt more than a little bit guilty. Pushing those thoughts aside, she nodded, an easy grin still on her face. “Well, you could have fooled me.” She teased, pausing for a moment. Ugh. She should just take the statement at face value, just let it slide. Maybe distract Nadia with the opportunity for a second round before politely telling her she could totally spend the night, with the heavy implication that she wanted anything but that. But… she wasn’t going to do that. “What’s going on in your head?”

Luce’s guilt and discomfort was a bit bitter in the back of Nadia’s mind. Nothing overpowering, but it was there. She didn’t like it, felt a bit bad for causing it. And, at the end of the day, she had caused it, even if she’d caused much more pleasant things earlier. She should’ve just waited and escaped when the time got right. Not said anything, kept better control over her emotions. After all, she was an empath, whatever the hell that meant. It should’ve meant that she had a handle on her own emotional turmoil, since she had to deal with everyone else’s. But that didn’t seem to be the case. Fine. Sure. She’d live with it. She let herself enjoy Luce’s teasing, however briefly. “Thank you. I mean, some things you don’t forget, you know? No matter how long it’s been.” Nadia gave the other woman a grin, almost a smirk. It disappeared, though, slowly, before Nadia furrowed her brow, just a bit. She opened her mouth, closed it, and evaluated things. This was an incredibly inopportune time to be asking that question, mostly because it felt harder for her to lie about the answer in the moment. “Heavy question,” she murmured. Could they just stay like this? She wondered. Luce was warm; it’d be easy for her to just doze off, just briefly, even with all the thoughts swirling around in her head. She bit the inside of her cheek. “A lot. Mostly good things, about you and this, of course.” She gave another small smile. “But other things, too.”

“Mhm, you know, maybe there’s some truth to me being called the town bicycle.” Luce joked. “You might take a break, but you never forget how to ride.” She said with a lazy wink. But, the easy joking tone slipped away, replaced by a pause and indecision. As she watched Nadia collect her thoughts, Luce began to idly trace shapes on the sheets with her fingertips. Circles turned into eyes, then a long stroke against the sheet became the side of a face, and Luce realized she was tracing an image of Nadia into the space between them. Smoothing the wrinkles in the fabric away with her palm, she tilted her head. “Well, I’m glad that I’m in the good things category. But… seems like you’ve got a lot on your mind. You can talk about it, you know. I’m a good listener.” She had to be, what with her job. And besides, she found herself wanting to know what was going on in that head. Nadia was a bit of a mystery to her, one that she was interested in unravelling, in all senses of the word.

Despite herself, Nadia let out a laugh. Unable to really hold herself up much longer on one elbow, she laid back on the bed and looked at Luce. She was serious about this, about wanting to listen to what Nadia had to say. It wasn’t a new, crazy thing, not like it was when she first came to White Crest and genuinely wanted to listen to her, know her. It still surprised her, though, every time. She picked at the bandage on her arm, knowing she’d be picking at the stitches if it wasn’t covered up. She needed something to preoccupy her, for just a moment, while she gathered her thoughts. “You were definitely in the good category,” she said. Nadia ran a hand over her face. She bit her lip. “I’m not sure what to talk about, or where to begin, or even what you’d want to hear before it becomes oversharing.” She smiled wryly. “I’ve been trying to learn not to do that.” Especially since she’d outed herself as possessed to Alain over the internet.

“Trust me, I know a thing or two about oversharing. People say stuff they’d never tell anyone on my chair all the time. As long as you don’t tell me about the time you and some college buddies went on a massive bender and then you woke up a week later with a picture of Puff the Magic Dragon tattooed on your ass, we’re good. Which,” Luce glanced pointedly at Nadia’s hip, covered by the sheets, “I think I can already confirm that you don’t have that particular story.” She said with a grin that slowly shifted to a more serious expression. As much as she would like to continue to lighten the mood with stupid stories from the shop, she did want to know what all was going on in there. “But, seriously. Hit me with your best shot.” She nodded, “And, hey. If I think you’re crossing a line, I’ll tell you. I’m not about listening to shit that I shouldn’t hear.”

“Puff the Magic Dragon, huh?” Nadia shook her head, though she was laughing. She sighed, though, figuring she should just… start talking. “Like I said, it’s been awhile. College, really, is the last time I remember.” She wouldn’t really know, though, where her body had been and what it’d been doing when she wasn’t in control. “I wasn’t in that great of a place, then. I told you, a bit, I think, about my friend that moved out.” Everything was coming out so haltingly, the words both carefully thought out and stuck in the back of her throat. She didn’t know how to talk about this, about Brooke and her leaving and how all of it made her feel. “I was… devastated, perhaps, is a good word. Incredibly upset. I’m terrible with emotions, my own, at least. I didn’t-- I was sad and tired of being sad, so I was trying to not be like that. And I ended up… I’m afraid I was using other people to not feel that way. And then things got worse, and, well, here we are.” She gave a shaky smile. Her eyes widened, just a bit. “Not that I’m-- I mean to say, I’m not, you know, using you for anything. I mean, we planned this, it was incredibly thought out, I wouldn’t-- I think of you as a friend, you know? This, I mean, this was just an added benefit.”

“You better believe it.” Luce said, making a face at the memory of the nasty ass-- literally-- tattoo that she’d had to work on. As much as she loved her job, there were some things she never wanted to do again. Ass tattoo cover ups? Big ol’ fucking nope. Listening to Nadia intently, she could hear the sadness in her words. As if what she was actually wasn’t already sad enough, she could hear the waver in her voice, the pauses that lingered as she tried to figure out how to put her feelings to words. Shifting closer to Nadia, Luce took the woman’s hand and began to trace shapes with her fingertip on her palm. She didn’t like talking about emotional shit-- about herself or about other people’s baggage. Physical stuff was easier, more straight forward. And some people liked the physical comfort. Maybe Nadia did too, who knows. It was worth a shot. “It sucks. To be in a situation like that.” She said finally, though she really had no basis for the statement. She’d never felt abandoned like that-- she was always the one who’d left. “But sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do to keep your head above water, right?” With a grin, Luce met Nadia’s eyes, “Trust me. I know you’re not using me. Friends with benefits is exactly what I’m looking for.”

It was easy for Nadia to relax under Luce’s touch. Melt, really; the other woman was so warm, like sunshine and summer months, laying out in the backyard with a book. It’d probably get too warm, eventually, but Nadia’d never been good at gauging that kind of thing. She always went too close the the warmth, the heat, like a moth drawn into a bug zapper. That didn’t stop her, though, from getting a bit closer to Luce, as close as she dared. She was always cold. Always. It felt nice to be warm. “It wasn’t-- I mean I didn’t-- Never really figured out how to deal with it, I guess. Then or now.” She laughed a little, wetly. She damned her tears. “I don’t know if I was keeping my head above water or helping hold it under. I don’t know. I was fucking drowning for years. Just a fucking mess of it. Don’t even remember it.” It was as close to the truth as Nadia attempted to get right now, know if she pushed herself too far, all of it would come spilling out in a horrible, ugly way, and she could tell that this wasn’t the most comfortable thing in the world to Luce. As it was, this was fine. It was safe. It was good. She let herself trace the tattoos on Luce’s hand, marveling at the beautiful patterns and attentions to detail. It was incredible that the other woman had designed them herself. “Good. I can-- This is good.”

Feeling the way the woman drew closer to her, Luce resisted the urge to stiffen slightly. She hated cuddling, hated the intimacy of feeling another’s heart beating against her own, of hearing their slow and steady breaths coming in. Sex? There was nothing intimate about mindless sex, it was all about sensation and pleasure. Shit like this is what made her shy away from anyone who ever wanted to get to know her. But, here she was, letting it happen. As Nadia continued to speak, Luce glanced up from the mindless shapes she’d drawn on her hand and was startled to see the tears in her eyes. Oh fuck. “Mmm.” Luce hummed noncommittally, to disguise both her discomfort and the unsettling concern that was growing in the pit of her stomach. “Sometimes it’s better not to remember shit. Gives you the ability to move forward with things, live your life without being tethered to the past.” She said, holding her hands still to allow Nadia to trace the dark lines of her tattoos. She wished that she could forget some of the things she’d heard growing up. Nothing big, nothing dramatic, nothing like that. She’d just forget some of the family shit… some of the baggage. Luce raised an eyebrow at Nadia’s less than certain response. “You sure? You don’t need to say yes. I’m cool with this being a one time thing.”

It was so strange, to Nadia, to feel the things that people were hiding. It was sweet that Luce was attempting to hide her feelings, even if it didn’t always work. At least Nadia could pick out what it was about. When people used to try and mask things, hide feelings from her, she’d always been confused and embittered. Why couldn’t everyone just wear their emotions on their sleeves so that everyone was in on the secrets with her? Everyone but her, of course. She couldn’t… It was so hard to be open, when everything was always so open for her. How do you keep all the grief around you from affecting you? You bottle up your own. How do you keep your parents sadness and disappointment from overwhelming you? You lash out at it with anger. You keep everything close to your chest, so close. You’re not even playing cards anymore, are you, Nadia? Was it still a poker face if she kept it up when the game’s over? Covering it all up with sarcasm and humor, that made it okay, right? And as for the things that can’t be remembered… “Maybe it is for the best,” she murmured. She didn’t want to know what her ghost had been doing, anyway. “And I’m sure. I mean, if you’re sure. I don’t want to come off as, I mean, I’m not clingy.” Her jaw twitched a bit at the word. She hated being called clingy. She wasn’t. She hadn’t been when her boyfriend had broken up with her at the start of sophomore year of college, claiming that to be the reason why. She hadn’t been when Brooke left just a note and she’d spent days trying to call or text or anything. She wasn’t clingy. Clingy was the last thing she’d ever hoped to be again.

In the silence, Luce could practically hear the gears turning in the other woman’s head. There was a whole lot going on behind Nadia’s light eyes and she wasn’t quite sure what to make of it all. But, at the other woman’s quiet admission, Luce couldn’t help but wonder if she’d said something wrong. She wasn’t good at this kinda talking shit, she’d never been good at it. Dumb comments and dick jokes and mindless, easy flirting was what she excelled at. Stuff like that was easy, simple. She presented a side of herself that others could either take or leave, and it made sifting through the people who stayed easier. But this? This whole… comforting others with words, helping them through things? Not her thing. Never had been, never would be. As she watched Nadia’s face, she noticed the slight clench in the woman’s jaw at the word. Clingy. A slight chill ran down her spine-- how many times had she thrown that word around to other girls? She knew what it meant to call someone clingy and demanding. It was a shitty nail in the coffin move, that ended things in an instant. And it seemed like Nadia knew that too, just from the other end of the conversation. “Believe me, I’m sure. And I don’t think you’re clingy.” She said, running her finger tips up Nadia’s arm to reassure her.

Relaxing a bit more at Luce’s words and touch, Nadia let her eyes slip close. She smiled, just a bit. “Right, okay then. Good.” There was a bit of relief that came along with the words. And she could do this, she figured, keep herself in check, not become attached or anything like that. Usually, Nadia considered herself monogamous. As in, mono, singular, alone. Or, occasionally, a one time thing, no strings, no names, no phone calls. But this… she could do this. If it let her relax and got rid of some of her ever present stress, she could. And Luce was certainly a wonderful person to do it with. Before she could think too much, get lost in her head, Nadia rolled over so that she was on top of Luce. Her arm hurt a bit, but she wasn’t complaining. Even if she pulled a stitch or two, it was probably worth it. She gave a smirk. “Good?”

As Nadia shifted so that she was positioned over her, Luce’s smile returned, her eyes darkening with lust. Better. This was better. No talking, no feelings, no questions, and no need to answer. No trying to juggle someone else’s emotions and worry about how she might fuck it up. Or having to worry about them asking questions of their own, questions she didn’t want to answer. Looping her arms around Nadia, her fingers running up against the woman’s bare back, Luce nodded. “Oh, this is more than good.” She said before pulling her down to capture her lips in a heated kiss. This was easy, this was simple, and it had no strings attached. Just how she wanted it. And, hopefully, just how Nadia intended to keep things too. But, as the woman moved above her, the warmth of their bodies pressed against each other, all those thoughts were banished from her mind.

#p: nadia diaz #p: tntpt #wickedswriting

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veinsandknuckles · 5 years

Text

Long Hard Road, pt 1

One day during a particularly slow and boring winter, a handsome stranger with an obviously fake name wanders into the little inn you work at. Trouble predictably catches up to him and you jump at the chance for an adventure. For eyes meeting across the campfire, for having to huddle together for warmth, maybe even for stealing some rushed moments in a hayloft somewhere, if your good luck carries.

Vimes/You, slow burn, AU where Vimes isn't married. Will definitely become hard R down the line.

The stranger arrived at the inn just after the beginning of the new year. On that day, all rooms but one was empty and the landlady installed him in what she liked to call the Suite, reasoning that even though mr Stone wasn’t much more convincing than “John Smith” as far as fake names went, his bearing and his armour and his paying the whole week in advance meant he was as good as a gentleman, but a little less likely to complain about the food. His appearance at the house caused a lot of comment because it was about as interesting as things got around this time of the year. Conrad, the all around man who did every job that didn’t involve the guests directly, was all too eager to fill you in on what you’d missed when you came into the kitchen out of the cold.

“He’s a noble in disguise, I swear it.”

Sofie shook her head. “Not a chance. Too rough.”

“Nobles can be rough.”

“Not in that way. Military, maybe. An old warrior, living out his retirement.”

“I still think he’s hiding from something.”

Nobody had asked for your opinion, and since you didn’t ask anything yourself, the conversation carried on without you. Every little movement, no matter how small, seemed to fascinate your coworkers and the importance of this mysterious stranger was probably blown completely out of proportion for the sake of something to catch the imagination.

You saw him for the first time when he came down to dinner that evening. Service was informal when there were so few guests and the staff ate at the benches in the main hall instead of cooped up in the kitchen. As you poured water and wine he walked down the stairs and you watched him, eagle eyed, evaluating him.

Perhaps there was a reason for the fuss, after all. For one thing, his presence took up so much space and didn’t seem to know it. He wore good clothes, but they weren’t sewn to fit him. His gait was an easy, unconscious swagger but there was a tension across the shoulders and he pulled at his shirt collar as if the fabric was foreign and uncomfortable.

Oh, and he was handsome. His whole form was chiseled in that skeletal way of those older men - you’d put him at around mid fifties, perhaps late forties if he’d lived as rough as he looked - lucky enough to become gaunt instead of puffy and ruddy with age. His hair must have been a dark brown or black before the iron grey crept in, his nose had stayed strong even after what looked to have been a thousand beatings and thick, roguish scars broke the prominent lines of his cheekbones and jaw.

His eyes were dark, sharp and clear and scanned the room methodically as he entered it, pausing a beat on the other doors opening into the hall and on each person occupying it. Finally they came to a rest on you, the only person there he hadn’t weighed up before tonight. As soon as he saw you looking back at him, he broke eye contact, nodded to your colleagues and walked to the darkest corner he could have found with - ah, yes. An unbroken line of sight of all three exits. This was man on the run or at least a man with a past of running.

Well, someone like that couldn’t be left to his own devices, so you took a pitcher in each hand and walked over to his table. He was from the plains, apparently, so Morporkian would have to do.

“Good evening, Sir. Can I get you anything to eat or drink?”

You could have sworn his left hand had graced his hip before it came to rest on the table. And what a hand it was, wide, rough, all thick veins and well worn knuckles. Well, it had been a long, dull winter, after all, and no harm in looking...

Was that a slight tremor to his fingers? Perhaps it would be better to ask him for the money up front and not risk a never-ending bar tab.

“Pardon?” Mr Stone looked up at you, distracted. You gestured to your apron, and he cleared his throat. “Oh. Supper’d be nice.”

You smiled and held his gaze. “And to drink?

“Water, thank you,” he replied with pointed emphasis and met your eyes just long enough to make sure this landed. His voice was firm and rough with an even rougher accent. Lovely. “Just water.”

“Just water,” you agreed and filled the cup in front of him. “Supper tonight is game stew, with a baked apple after if you want dessert.”

“Sure, why not.” Mr Stone was starting to look very uncomfortable indeed with being the focus of all this customer service and in the interest of finding out why, you winked and said “nothing wrong with having a bit of a sweet tooth, is there?”

If only he’d been a bit quicker with lifting the cup to his lips you were sure you would have had a fountain on your hands. As it was, he froze, frowned and looked around the room in a panic, searching for an escape or maybe someone besides you having a laugh at his expense. Before he had a chance to say anything, you turned on your heel and went to fetch him his dinner. It was a promising start, if nothing else.

That dinner seemed to have been mr Stone’s first meal of the day.

He kept very regular hours, they just weren’t regular to anyone else; he got up at around the same time in the late afternoon every day and he took a very late breakfast before going to bed. Even in bad weather and without clothes suited to the country, Stone insisted on taking daily walks and when he returned he was always frozen stiff and short tempered. Once, you heard him mutter under his breath that there was just “no goddamn reason” there should be that much nature anywhere and when had mountains ever been of use to anyone? But he was quieter after he thawed out and could sit still for up to an hour, staring into the fire and filling ash tray after ash tray. You caught him sometimes watching the locals and more often their drinks. If things got too merry for his liking, he sighed and slunk up to his room to do gods’ knew what for the rest of the night. Sofie said she’d heard things thumping against the walls.

The mystery living under your roof was too much for any of the workers to ignore and the gossip about him persisted. No one had much luck and it soon deteriorated into just commenting on the odd things he did, which wasn’t much to work with and quickly became repetitive.

It only took a few days until Stone begrudgingly submitted to your attempts at making small talk, sometimes going so far as to humour it with a few responses as long as you stuck to safe topics and kept out of his personal space, which seemed to extent almost two metres from his body. He always looked just vaguely in your direction and only straight at you when he forgot himself.

Winter was making the best of what little time it had left. On your next day off, the snow laid so thickly even on the roads that you decided to forgo your usual trip to the village and retreat instead to the upstairs parlour.

It didn’t really live up to the name - it was a cramped room with a dining table taking up most of the floor space and in the slow season it doubled as extra storage space. The one draw was the bookshelves that ran from floor to ceiling across two walls, housing a full encyclopaedia of some 20 volumes with impressive spines and a lot of books left behind by residents along with the third hand copies the landlady had been able to collect on the cheap. Stuck indoors, it was the best, or at least safest, way to while away an afternoon so you snuck in, pulled a chair up beside the window and sank into it, already engrossed in a well worn copy of Marjorie J. Boddice’s “Towers of Steel”.

The door swung open and you sat up straight in your seat with a start, trying to get a sense of how long you’d been in there. The cup of tea you’d brought along had stopped steaming. Stone stood there still holding the door handle, looking caught.

“Damn. Sorry, miss.” He moved to exit the room again but you got out of your seat and gestured to him.

“No, by all means. Did you want something?”

He took in the scene and a grin tugged at one corner of his mouth. “Skiving off work, are we?”

“It’s my day free.”

Stone looked bemusedly at the book, saying without words that he couldn’t picture someone reading if they had other options. “Right. Then never you mind what I want.”

Always so brusque. But, interestingly, not leaving.

“Maybe I’m just that happy to serve.”

That got you a snort and a Look. He seemed to be getting used to your double entendres already, which was a real shame. If he hadn’t been so uncomfortable and determined to pretend he didn’t catch them, you probably wouldn’t have kept them coming. Knowing he wouldn’t respond in turn made him the safest possible target.

“Yeah, I definitely get that impression,” said Stone sarcastically. He’d entered the room with the door still open and started snooping around the shelves, even lifting the lid of a box on the table to peek at the contents. “No, I was just looking for a pencil.”

“Oh, are you writing your memoirs?”

Another snort. “You lot are just bored out of your wits stuck here all winter, aren’t you? I swear, if one more person stops whispering mid sentence when I turn to look at them...”

“You seem pretty restless yourself.” He conceded this truth with a shrug but continued his investigation, unashamed. Perhaps he wouldn’t even mind a little bit of conversation today, so you pressed on. “Besides, a handsome, paranoid man covered in scars who wears suspiciously unassuming clothed, carries a sword and enough coin to pay for everything up front... how could we not speculate?”

The ‘handsome’ had made him start and look at you again to check if you were making fun of him. Now he smiled, helped himself to an apple from a crate and sat on the table to peel it with a pocket knife. “What’s the current theory, then?”

Gods bless the snow for keeping him inside - he’d already said more to you today than in all the other days combined. You took a swig of the cold tea and got comfortable in your seat again, watching him carefully. “Sofie thinks you’re a killer for hire laying low until the heat dies down.”

Stone shook his head. “Not very imaginative in my opinion.”

“I think I favour Mrs Erickson’s story better.”

“This would be the lady of the house, yes?”

“Yes. In her defence, Mr Erickson has never been what you’d call an ideal husband.”

“Oh dear.”

You leaned in conspiratorially, delighted to see how he tensed up in anticipation. “She thinks you’re the second son a highborn lord, embroiled in a torrid affair with your older brother’s beautiful trophy wife.”

“I bet,” Stone grumbled and popped a piece of the apple into his mouth.

“Now you’ve been discovered, in the chapel of all places, and run out of the castle in only your breeches.” To your delight, he’d begun to colour.

But he was brave and nodded sagely. “Hence the cheap clothes.”

“Exactly. You had agreed to elope together that very night, and so here you wait, in the first inn this side of the border, tormented, not knowing whether your brother’s soldiers or your beloved will find you first.”

“If I’d known that’s the kind of nonsense people would say about me, I think I would have set up camp in a cave somewhere.”

“And frozen to death.”

Stone shrugged as if that’d be a small price to pay.

You watched him still and he ignored this. “So?”

“So, what?”

“What’s the real story?”

“Oh, I’m just an old soldier who doesn’t know what to make of his retirement.”

Now it was your turn to snort. “Yes, you seem the type to follow orders. Come on, I want to know.”

“Well, miss.” Stone flashed you a pure piss-taking grin. “I could tell you...”

“...but then you’d have to kill me?”

“Clever.”

You leaned back with a sigh. “That would at least be interesting.”

Stone was quiet for a moment and carved up another slice of the fruit. “An interesting life’s not all it’s cracked up to be.” Then he seemed to catch himself. He cleared his throat, got off the table and swiped a pencil stub into his hand. “Got what I came for. Sorry again for bothering you, miss.”

“I don’t mind chatting to you, mr Stone. You know that.”

He shook his head at this and with another stern look at your left ear, he turned and closed the door behind him.

#vimes x reader #vimes x you #samuel vimes imagines #samuel vimes x you #discworld #my fics

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lovemybluebully · 5 years

Text

A Break From Reality

Drum roll please! A new Punisher fic! Yay! :D

Dawww I missed my Frankie boy, and have been pining for Season 2 since I binge watched Season 1 when it came out. Soooo bummed that it's official that Netflix has canceled the show though. Fuck you Disney and Netflix!! >:( Hopefully someone else can pick it up! OMG! Frank was so soft and adorable in the first episode! Then the relationship he develops with Amy was really great, and naturally something I'd want to get into. WARNING FOR SPOILERS IF YOU HAVEN'T WATCHED SEASON 2 OF 'PUNISHER' YET ON NETFLIX!! This takes place post-Episode 9 of Season 2. Summary: Some bonding between Frank and Amy after recent events have her mind not where it should be. F/M Tickle Fic

Yes, there is a good deal of tickling in this so if you don't like that concept then best to skip this. All SFW though. Definitely nothing sexual so if you're looking for that then you can just get the fuck out right now. This is father/daughter-type relationship they have and nothing more.

I had writer's block on this for like 3 weeks, but finally got it finished. It turned out way way longer than I had planned, but am I ever sorry? No. lol Word Count: 4,894 ANOTHER WARNING for swearing as is my norm with guys like Frank. ;)

"Heh, flustercluck," Frank was still chuckling as he came through the trailer door with a shake of his head, shrugging out of his jacket and unstrapping his vest. Amy smiled a little at seeing that she'd managed to amuse him, though she was still feeling pretty wound up from earlier.

He tossed it all onto the counter as he reached behind him to pull a handgun out of the back of his waistband and set it on the small table. After a moment he noticed Amy staring at it from where she sat on the couch, hugging her knees to her chest.

"You ok, kid?

"....Not really. I just....I really don't think guns are for me. I mean, I still can't believe I just killed a guy," she looked down and started to get lost inside her head before Frank snapped her out of it.

"Hey, look at me. Hey! You only shot him, remember? I'm the one that killed him. Besides it was either him or you, and tell ya what, I'd choose you a thousand times over that piece o' shit. Ya made the right move, you did good, kid."

She sat there still looking unsure as Frank sighed quietly before making a proposition.

"Ok look, at least let me show ya some other techniques t' disarm someone. Ya don't gotta shoot anyone once ya got their weapon, but just promise me one thing, ok? That you'll trust your instincts. And if they tell ya t' pull the trigger then you pull that trigger. Can you promise me that?"

The concern in his eyes while he awaited her answer was piercing, and eventually she nodded and took a deep breath, "I...think so."

"Alright then. Here, we'll start with this," Frank reached toward the table and picked up the Glock 19, noting as Amy continued to eye it with uneasiness.

"Don't worry...," he said as in two seconds he had slid the magazine out of the grip and pulled back the slide to pop the round from the chamber, "It ain't loaded. Now c'mon, get up."

He gestured to her and she followed suit so that now she was standing in front of him in the narrow hallway of the trailer.

"We'll start with what ya already know. Now," he raised the gun to point at her, "Think ya can do me like ya did that punk earlier?"

She hesitated as she stared at it, not making a move, and Frank thought that maybe this wasn't going to happen right now.

But all that changed when she sprung into action as she grabbed the barrel of the gun aside with one hand and slammed in on his wrist to break his grip. Now she was the one pointing the gun at him.

"Nice work, kid. You're a natural. But this time I'm not gonna make it that easy for ya," he signaled with his hand for her to return the gun to him as she obliged.

"Ok. Again."

She tried to use the same technique she had just done, but this time Frank was ready for her and kept his grip on the gun firm and pulled the trigger right in her face.

"Bang. Again."

The teen just stared at the gun for a moment as she seemed to be re-evaluating the situation before she made another move. Pushing the gun to the side she then grabbed onto his arm and tried to drag him down with her body weight as Frank just gave her a strange look.

"That ain't it," he shook his head and easily yanked his arm free as he shoved her to the ground before she looked up at him with frustration in her eyes.

"How...How am I supposed to...," she was sounding discouraged as she lowered her head towards the floor while Frank reassured her.

"Don't think too hard, kid. Instincts, remember? I know I'm bein' rough on ya, but you'll thank me later. Now how 'bout givin' it another shot, huh?"

A few long seconds ticked by, and he started to feel bad when she didn't make any attempt to get up. Maybe it was too soon for him to be pushing her this hard.

"Hey look, we don't have t' do this if ya don't want-"

With a primal scream she pushed off the ground with her legs and used everything she had to ram straight into him, tackling him flat onto his back.

He hit the floor of the trailer with a pained grunt as some of the wind got knocked out of him, but couldn't help the smile on his face at seeing her determination. She hadn't given up yet.

"Atta girl. Keep fightin'."

Despite how impressed he was with her he was immediately on the offensive again as he simply held her back with one big hand while the other gripped the pistol high over his head.

"Now take it from me. Better hurry before I use it on ya!"

Frank could see that she was trying desperately to gain some kind of leverage as she fought to get past his blocking arm and reach the gun. Normally he would teach her the hard way and would've already turned the tables, but he'd give her a little more time.

After the events that happened only hours earlier the girl could use a little confidence boost. But he still was going to push at her resolve in normal Frank fashion as his voice boomed along the walls.

"C'mon! Ya want it?! Take it! Take it!! What're ya waitin' for?! TAKE IT!!"

Amy was panicking. She knew he was about to fling her across the room if she didn't act fast. Her mind became a blur and time seemed to stop as she frantically tried to think of something. Anything!

She then remembered what Frank had told her; to trust her instincts.

This scenario that they were in quickly had her memory spewing instances of roughhousing with friends in the past; particularly one instance where she'd been trying to retrieve her cell phone that had playfully been stolen from her. At that moment it was as if her mind had taken control of her body and compelled her to act on those thoughts.

It was now or never. And so without further delay she steeled herself and launched at him one last time.

"Take the goddamn-He-Hey! What're ya-!!!" Frank's surprise quickly gave way to an involuntary grin as his apprentice persisted in using an unconventional technique that he had never experienced in his combative encounters.

"Hey stop-Aha! Hahahaha, no! No, thaahaat's-that's not allohohowed!" He continued to hold the pistol back out of reach while using his one free hand to try to defend himself from the teen who had latched onto his sides and was tickling him furiously.

Amy's eyes lit up with pure glee when she heard the first round of laughter spill out of him. She hadn't been sure how he would react, but by the time those thoughts had even reached her head she was already in motion.

The idea that he likely wasn't even ticklish had been her first thought, and the fact that she was messing around would just make him angry. Like the time she tried to sneak attack him and take his gun when he and Curtis had entered the trailer the other day.

He had already been raging at that point though from his encounter with Billy, and her antics had only intensified his temper. His outburst towards her had been harsh, but Frank struggled with how he expressed his feelings. Thinking that he could have killed her scared him, which in turn transformed into the anger that he lashed out at her with.

But he wasn't nearly as tense as he had been that day so she expected maybe he'd just growl at her to "Quit fuckin' around" as he was trying to give a serious demonstration. At the very least give her an annoyed look to show his disapproval.

But what she got instead was unbelievable, and she quickly relaxed as she realized there was no need for any worry.

"Seriously?! You're ticklish?! Oh you're going down now!" Her fingers wiggled relentlessly into his ribs, making the hardened man writhe and laugh helplessly as he found that shielding himself with only one arm wasn't doing him a whole lot of good.

To say he was stunned by her actions would be an understatement, and it gave him no time to even consider being angry about it. He was already exhausted from lack of sleep for the past several nights with adrenaline being pretty much the only thing keeping him going.

Being around Amy he had dropped his guard a little, and unfortunately he'd been left unable to resist the sensations she was inflicting. He couldn't stop himself from laughing uncontrollably, though the more he laughed the more his mood seemed to lighten. It certainly had taken his mind off of everything else.

"Hehehehe! No waitaminute! This is-Ahaahahaha! Ya...Ya caahaan't do thaahaaat!" Finding it hard to think clearly his reactions were impulsive, making his defense sloppy and all over the place as he flailed his vacant hand and squirmed desperately on his back.

He did have some sense of control though in restraining himself from reacting too violently as he didn't want to accidentally hit the kid.

Not to mention they were in a confined area so if he tried to haphazardly shove her off of him then he might seriously hurt her, which is definitely not something he wanted to do. There was a big difference between pushing her around a little during demonstrations versus slamming her full weight into a cabinet.

Amy could tell that he was not doing nearly anything that she knew he was capable of to fend her off, and that thought made her smile grow. The sentiment was sweet.

"Hey, you told me to go with my instincts, remember? It's not my fault I know how to fight dirtier than you. Now hand it over!" She demanded, referring to the gun he still had clutched over his head in his right hand.

This lesson had gone from a serious tone to one of foolery in less than a second, and Frank realized that.

But he also knew that they both could stand to loosen up, and so far this little tussle they were in was achieving just that. Amy was no longer focused on how she had shot a man, and was grinning in genuine delight for once. He would be hard-pressed to ruin that for her.

Though it was still natural for him to do whatever it took to keep any weapon out of the hands of his assailant, even if he was being tickled half to death. So if she wanted that gun she was gonna have to try a lot harder than that.

He was the Punisher, and the Punisher would not have being tickled into submission on his record.......He hoped.

"Come-Come ahaand gehehehet it!" He challenged as he flexed the muscles in his arm to keep it straight while at the same time keeping it out of the teen's obtainable range. He wasn't exactly sure she was going to keep pushing this, but he wasn't surprised when she did.

"If ya say so!" She clamored forward and swiftly straddled his hips to pin him down as she attacked his muscled sides and waist with vigor. Frank howled and reflexively bucked beneath her as the heels of his tactical boots scraped futilely against the floor.

He managed to grab one of her hands to hold it back, but that did little to stop her. She just put twice as much effort into her other hand as the vicious fingers scribbled and clawed at lightning speed along his entire exposed side.

Husky laughter bellowed out as Frank squirmed like crazy, having no way to stop her now, and slowly his hand weakened his hold on her. As she felt his grip loosen she yanked her wrist free and then dug both hands right into his stomach without missing a beat.

"Shihihit!! Kid, c'mohahahahon! Ticklin' ahaahaain't faahaahaair!" He feebly tried to push her hands away to no avail as she could feel his muscles contract underneath his sweater. That brought a smirk to her face, knowing his brawn was doing absolutely nothing to protect him from the tickling.

"All is fair when your life is on the line. Just give me the gun, and I'll stop," she grinned at seeing Frank only shake his head.

"Ohohover my dehead bo-HAHEEHEEHEEHEE!!" He immediately curled in, bringing his arm down half way once her fingers plunged into his wide-open armpit. Amy found it absolutely priceless how his deep laughter had transformed so quickly into such high-pitched giggling.

She had never heard anything near that captivating out of him before, but she didn't want to embarrass him by pointing it out so obviously. She could still tease him a little though.

"Ah ha! Did I find your weak spot, old man? Now you're in trouble!"

As he faltered she reached for the gun, but he gathered his will and forced himself to thrust it out of her vicinity again.

He then clapped his hand over the vulnerable area, managing to crowd her fingers out though they only continued their devilish dance down his ribs, making him writhe and twist ineffectively.

"Aaah! Daahaahaammit! Aahaahaaamy!! Stohahahahop!!"

"I can't stop! You'll shoot me if I stop!"

"I'll...I'll shoohoot ya if-ahahaha-if ya D-DON'T stohahop!!" He jokingly moved his hand forward to aim the gun at her, but when she made another grab for it he immediately jerked it back. Amy playfully rolled her eyes with a laugh.

"Just drop the gun, tough guy. Then I'll let ya go," she smirked, noticing how his fist clamped tighter around the pistol.

"No-hoho fuckin' waahaay!"

"Geez, I guess you want me to keep tickling you, huh? You love it, don't you?" Amy couldn't resist teasing him because she knew it would make him protest immediately as she watched his eyes widen with objection.

"Whahat?! No, I doh-Aahahaahahaa!! Just-Just baahaack ohahahoff!!"

He hoped no one walked in on them at that moment and saw him in this state, but he couldn't bring it in himself to just surrender. Though it had gone past the point that he had the energy to throw her off of him if he had wanted to, and now all his efforts were being put into holding his arm up while keeping the gun in his possession.

Yet every time he moved his hand that was covering the tender spot under his arm to try to defend another area Amy would hone in right away just to hear him squeak and titter so uncharacteristically. She'd poke and pinch and scratch into the very ticklish hollow until he was overcome with giggles and forced into guarding the spot once more, leaving her free to tickle him everywhere else.

Trepidation engulfed him as he really didn't know how much more of this he could take. He really just might get tickled into submission.

Amy was surprised that he had lasted this long, but then again not many men came much tougher than Frank. Still she sincerely doubted that he got tickled often, especially for this length of time.

Sure he was used to dealing with pain on a high degree, but tickling? She didn't think he knew exactly how to handle that, but what she did know is that the man had a mentality that wouldn't allow him to just give up no matter what the situation.

It looked like he was having quite a hard time though.

She could see the tears that had pooled in the corners of his eyes from laughing nonstop as he laid his head back and weakly kept up his pathetic attempts to wiggle down the skinny hallway out from under her, despite knowing he wasn't going to succeed.

In a last ditch effort he was trying to insert inconspicuous comments to convince her to stop without him actually begging her, because God forbid the Punisher actually beg someone for mercy.

"Thaahaahaat ahahall ya gohahahot?!"

"You-You reheeheeheeally suhuck aahaahaat this!"

"Juhuhust gihihive up! Ya aahaain't geh-gehehettin' thihis guhuhun!"

She knew it was all a bluff though for she could slowly see his tenacity was beginning to diminish. But rather than let him have his record tarnished she figured that she would be the one to give up now and spare him the defeat.

"You are the most stubborn man I've ever met in my life! Uggh, fine! You win then," she tried to sound convincing enough so he wouldn't know that she had actually let him win as her fingers finally ceased their torture on him.

Once she stopped Frank's gruff laughter died down as he didn't move a muscle and just tried to catch his breath.

"Fuckin' Christ, kid," he panted with light chuckles still slipping out. It had been a very long time since he had laughed like that.

He then lifted his arm to point the gun at her head and pulled the trigger, producing a loud click from the empty chamber.

"Bang. You're dead again," he smirked as she just grinned down at him, not looking the least bit discouraged.

"Totally worth it," she slid off of him, allowing him to sit up as he took a few seconds before getting to his feet.

"Yeah well you're lucky this was just practice, and you're still alive. That kiddie shit ain't gonna work in the real world," he placed the gun on the table and wandered over towards the couch with Amy tailing him.

"Well that 'kiddie shit' worked on you."

"Who said it worked? Still had the gun, didn't I?" He looked over his shoulder at her with a smirk on his face and then lowered himself down to sit on the sofa cushions.

"Oh yeah? I'm pretty sure you were about to give in if I hadn't stopped," she plopped down next to him as Frank snorted and rolled his eyes.

"Tchh, yeah sure. Keep dreamin', kid. Next time though if ya ever get into a situation like that, no messin' around, I want ya t' put the hurt on 'em. Take the gun offline like I showed ya, ok? Then go for the weak spots like the groin, throat or anywhere on the face. You're fightin' for your life so don't hesitate for even a second, and show no mercy."

Amy nodded firmly like she understood, but with a mischievous twinkle in her eye.

"Got it. So not here? Or there?" She was still on her playful high as she wiggled fingers up under his arm and then squeezed his side, making him squirm and curl over to escape the assault.

"Hehehe, stop that! You're gonna drive me up the fuckin' wall with that shit. But sure, those areas are fine as long as ya use somethin' sharper, like a knife, instead."

The teen instantly sobered and her eyes widened at the fact that he would even suggest something like that.

"I could barely shoot someone! There's no way I'm gonna be able to STAB anyone!"

Frank considered that for a moment as he shrugged.

"Hmm. Guess ya got a point. But I think in the right situation your survival instincts will kick in, and you'll do whatever it takes. All I'm sayin' is don't count out what you're capable of when it comes t' keepin' you alive. I think after tonight ya know that deep down, even if it is hard for you t' accept."

Amy just sighed loudly and leaned back into the couch.

"Uggggh, how did my life ever come to this?"

After a few seconds Frank slowly developed a smirk as he decided to give an answer to her rhetorical question.

"Well bein' part of a second-rate crime racket was your first mistake. Havin' blackmail on the wrong people was your second. Then thinkin' you could just outrun them......Try'na get me locked up....Almost gettin' us both killed...."

"Alright, I think I get the point," she frowned as she tried to interrupt, but he kept on with his list.

"...Not stayin' put when I told ya to....Puttin' your trust in the wrong people....Almost gettin' yourself killed again....Ya wanna talk about a flustercluck then-"

"Ok ok, I get it! I know I screwed up, alright?! Happy now?!" Amy shouted in irritation with a pouting look on her face that only made Frank smile even more.

"Hmph. Yeah. Least ya admit it. Looks like there may be some hope for ya yet-Heh! Ya little...," he chuckled and jerked his body once she gave him a good poke in the ribs as retaliation for his comment. It was her turn to smirk.

"Get used to it. Ya know, I never expected a tough old grunt like you to be ticklish."

Frank just shrugged and tried to brush it off.

"Eh. I guess a little bit."

"A little??" She quickly moved a hand towards him again as he instantly put his arms up in defense and flinched away. Amy laughed at how jumpy he'd become while an embarrassed smile spread over his face.

"Alright. Maybe more than I'm willin' t' admit."

"I'll bet you didn't even know you were so ticklish. Wait," she pointed a finger at him, "It's 'Pete' that's ticklish, huh? Frank isn't, right?"

Frank ran a hand down his face as he sighed with a groan.

"Hate t' say, but it's all me. And yeah, I um, already kinda had an idea. My wife always knew exactly how t' get me, 'specially when she got the kids in on it."

Amy's face paled, thinking that this whole time she had been bringing up painful memories for him. She knew that talking about his family was usually the last thing he wanted to do.

"I'm sorry, I...I didn't mean....Shit, I shouldn't have...."

Frank only cracked a small but reassuring smile as he shook his head.

"Nah, don't be. That was actually the closest I've felt t' my family in a long time. So yeah, it was fuckin' torture, but ya know....thanks for that."

Her face brightened up as she relaxed again and put a hand on his shoulder to give it a soft squeeze.

"Well then glad to be of service. And for the record, it's a good look for you. You've got a really cute smile," she grinned as he spat out a chuckle and looked down at the floor, "And an even cuter laugh."

"Get the fuck outta here," he laughed more as he gave her a playful nudge and tried to hide the blush tinting his cheeks.

"But seriously, Frank, it's good to see you in a better mood."

She was then quiet for a minute as she gathered her next thoughts, speaking more softly.

"Hey....I want you to know that I'm really sorry. I know that if it weren't for me you'd probably still have had that shot at the normal, happy life that you wanted. You had a second chance, and I ruined it that night in the bar with the shit that I was in."

She looked up with shame in her eyes as Frank gently placed his big hand on her arm.

"Kid, ya didn't ruin anything. It may sound crazy, but I'm startin' to accept that this is just who I am now. Havin' a quiet family life just ain't in the cards for me. It was at one time, but now that's uhh...that's all in the past. Trust me, if it hadn't have been you that night then eventually somethin' else still would've forced my hand back into this. It ain't your fault so get that outta your head. It's just the way it's gonna be."

Amy immediately shook her head.

"MmmMm. I can't believe that, and you shouldn't either."

He only blinked and stared at the floor again, seeing no sense in trying to convince her otherwise. It was her turn to grab his arm now to try to snap him out of it.

"Just please promise me that you won't give up on it, Frank. I know your family wouldn't want you to either. You seriously deserve all the happiness in the world, no matter what you may think."

Raising his head, he nodded a little.

"Hmm...Maybe. But not right now. There's still too many people that need killin', and that's what I intend t' do."

After spending so much time with him she understood that there was no changing his mind on the latter subject as she just slowly sat back. But after a moment she had already scooted close to him again.

"Frank....I never actually thanked you.....for saving my life that night. And every other night up to today. I know I've been a real pain in the ass to you, and I.....I wish I could take it all back."

He could hear the intense remorse in her voice as he didn't directly look into her eyes, but simply put a comforting hand on her knee.

"Yeah well I uh, I know I ain't that easy myself t' be around. So ya know, don't beat yourself up about it. But t' tell ya the truth, there ain't a damn thing I would change about ya."

He finally looked up as he saw her lip tremble slightly and her eyes began to tear up.

"You're smart and strong-minded. Ya don't let no one push ya around no matter how scared ya get. Honestly ya got bigger balls than some guys I've known. It's uhh....," he hesitated for a moment as he swallowed and licked his lips, "Ya know, it's...it's kinda how I imagined that Lisa would've turned out. So yeah, ya may be a rebellious little shit, but-"

Amy threw herself at him and wrapped her arms tight over his shoulders. He immediately reciprocated as he pulled her close with a big arm around her back and leaned his head against hers.

She couldn't believe he had said that to her. On several occasions she had tried to get him to talk about his daughter, but was always blown off in one way or another. Him comparing her to someone she knew he cared deeply about was the greatest compliment she'd ever received in her life.

"Thank you, Frank. That means more to me than you'll ever know."

"Yeah....," he sighed and released her after a few more moments, "Just stay outta situations that could end up bad for ya, ok? I'll try my damndest, but I can't always be there for ya. Ya know?"

She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand and nodded.

"I know. And I'm sorry for putting you in danger too."

"No more sorrys. What's done is done. All I'm sayin' is try not t' get yourself killed, and stick around for a little longer. We both know ya done a good job of riskin' that so far."

The latter was a joke to try to lighten the mood a bit, and he smiled when he saw it succeeded in making her laugh.

"Yeah well I've learned from the best. You're always doing things that are borderline going to get you killed."

"I told ya, kid, I'm the one who does the killin'. Not the opposite."

"Fine. You do the killing, and I'll do the....not-killing, I guess?"

She shrugged with a tilt of her head as Frank smirked, nodding in approval.

"Sounds like a deal t' me. Though ya do know ya were close t' commitin' a murder tonight."

Her eyes quickly went wide with protest.

"Look, I didn't mean to shoot him, ok? It just-"

"Not that. I'm talkin' about you almost ticklin' me t' death. That was way more cold-blooded than anything I've ever done," he protectively pressed his arms to his sides in case she made another go at him now that he'd brought it up.

"But you didn't die, did you?" She only sat there giving him a smug look as he chuckled and relaxed again.

"No ma'am, you're right. Can only imagine how many casualties there've been over the years. Guess I'm one o' the lucky ones t' escape with my life. I'll think twice before messin' with you again."

"You're not fooling me. You liked it, and you know it," she teased as Frank quickly scoffed.

"Tchhyeah, you will never hear those words come out of my mouth."

"Never say never. I think you might with the right persuasion...," she slyly moved in and lightly ran her fingers along his side just to get him to squirm again, making him laugh as he swatted her hand away.

"Ehehe, torture me all ya want, but it ain't happenin'."

"Fine. But remind me, what exactly were those words again?"

"I wasn't born yesterday, kid," he smirked and reached over to give her a gentle noogie as now she was the one smacking at his hand.

"Eh, it was worth a shot. I'm sure one day I'll get it outta you. Though it'll probably be on your deathbed so I won't hold my breath."

Frank snorted in amusement and shook his head as he broke into a grin.

"You're alright, kid."

"You too, Frank."

44 notes · View notes

okimargarvez · 5 years

Text

PRISON BREAK

Original title: Prison break.

Prompt: what if from 9x12. Warning: mention of sex, slight A.U., Penelope OOC.

Genre: angst, comedy, smut.

Characters: Luke Alvez, Penelope Garcia.

Pairing: Garvez.

Note: oneshot 19 in Garvez collection.

Legend: 💏😘😈❗👨‍👩‍👧‍👦🎲🎈👻.

Song mentioned: La paura non esiste, Tiziano Ferro.

GARVEZ STORIES

PRISON BREAK

Another day like the others, another time-card-punching. Sometimes he would like the hours to pass more quickly, but then he stops a second and realizes that he can't do anything, because he doesn't have a goal, an object, he simply proceeds by inertia, because there is no other alternative acceptable, neither from society, nor from his religion. Like when you change house because you are alone, like when you ask around and you never find forgiveness, like when you go everywhere and everywhere there is no light, as always anyone who speaks, a voice, always...

He doesn’t expect to see a change. He learned not to expect anything at all. Maybe that mission has nothing to do with it, maybe it was already like that before but did not have the courage to admit it. Maybe his whole life was just a mistake, and his mother would have done better to keep her legs closed that night. Or maybe not, but now he is no longer able, even if he strives to get a headache, to remember what life was like before. They say the war changes people.

The young man shakes his head trying to drive away those thoughts, only to be able to get right into his role, to show the outside world his beautiful tanned face while smiling greeting colleagues. Until no one notices it, he will at least be left alone to bask in self-pity.

She should have accepted it. A person with sense into her, would have done it. She had the opportunity to save herself, to avoid ending up in this place, and she refused it for a stupid matter of principle. Never on the side of the feds. But not even with Shane. It was to escape him that she had found herself in this mess.

Of course, she couldn't imagine that they would propose a job to her. The great boss wanted her skills at his service. But she had been adamant and so here she is, waiting to enter what will become her home for who knows how long, perhaps for life. After all, she had committed a serious crime and therefore had to pay her debt to society.

The best thing she can do is screwing up, since she was born. This thing was even less serious than the last, the girl thinks, scratching her wrist, just where the clearest sign of what looks like a scratch or a cut is still partially visible. And you need... you need to be sad... you want it… However, mistake doesn't exist, it exists only when it's evening, only who wanted to be wrong, does it…

They call her name. She stands up. She feels the glances of the other prisoners on her. She tries to ignore everything, because, in the end, she is not at all sorry to have hacked those companies and would do it again, even if the conclusion was the same. If you do not even have the right to fight and believe in your ideals, what are you living for?

Yet, this time there is something different.

It is that shortly before arriving at his workplace, he received a call from Rossi, the only one who had stood by him on that occasion, who had defended him so much that when they finally decided to not to degrade him, but to send him to a more humble and more "adapted to his temperament and his ability" work; that time, the Italian American had left the Bureau for the umpteenth time, to return to his first passion: writing. He had been like a second father for him.

Doing him a favor was not at all a nuisance, on the contrary. To succeed at least once to repay the debt that he felt to have towards him, was only a pleasure, an owe.

The guy enters the room with a folder in his hands. Certainly, he doesn't expect that the matter that he has to deal with, it's a young person, like that girl. He remains on the threshold to look at her for a moment, while she seems not to pay much attention to him. She has brown hair, neither light nor dark, with reddish reflections, just a little longer than the shoulders. She is dressed entirely in black: the black jacket is particularly bizarre and she wears a black skirt that just covers at least the legs and black shoes; the only thing of another color, a strange metallic gray, is a kind of corset that highlights, as if it were needed, further the prosperous breasts, exposed to the sight by a showy neckline. She also wears mesh gloves, as well as a bracelet on her wrist... handcuffs. No other accessories. The make-up is the last piece to understand who he is dealing with. A goth.

After what seems like an hour, he finally decides to get closer. He must remember that he is the law and that she is a potential criminal. A hacker, according to what he read. But the reason she's here gets a smile from him: boycotting multinationals who tested their products on innocent animals. He strives to be professional, he owes it to Dave. -Mrs.Garcia?- another surprise was to find that she it is not a Latin chica at all. Her skin is too pale, and definitely it brings out more because of those dark clothes. And her traits are certainly not Hispanic. In fact, on her file there is written that she was adopted.

She looks at him in an apparently indifferent way, just because she is forced. The first thing she thinks as soon as her eyes rest on him, is "that is the most beautiful man I have ever seen", actually. She can't avoid starting a comparison with Shane, without wanting it and without realizing it. He is definitely higher; more muscular, his skin is darker, tanned... his eyes more intense. She doesn't know and doesn't want to know why such an adjective came to her mind, but she finds it particularly apt. Yes, intense. He must not be more than thirty years old, certainly they are almost the same age, but his gaze seems more mature, as if he had seen terrible things, since he came on Earth, and maybe he really is.

They remain staring at each other without neither opening their mouth, for at least two minutes. Then he forces himself to do something, as not to remain stuck in that limbo forever. -You know why you're here?- he suddenly decides to give up the formal ways.

She glances at him as if to ask him if he believes her stupid. -Sure. I hacked a few web sites and ended up on the black list of the CIA.- she pronounces the whole sentence as if she really doesn't give matter to the situation, but he is not so naive, indeed. He soon had to learn to read the traits of who is lying or is not telling the whole truth. She can pretend with all her might, but it is clear that what she is feeling right now is simply fear.

And wherever I go, wherever I go, that fear will come back tomorrow, tomorrow...

-Good.- if she wants to play this game, he certainly doesn't back down. -I have to enter your data in the database, before deciding in which area to send you. Do you understand?- the girl still doesn't replicate anything, just looking at him. ...and wherever it go, wherever it go, be sure enough, and tighten yours reasons... It is at that moment that he decides to change his approach again. -Ok, Penelope- immediately notice how her shoulders stiffen and her lips stretch out, hearing him say her name -we try to make it as painless as possible.- he pauses, gets up and approaches her. She backs away the little she can with the handcuffs hooked to the table. He scrutinizes her from above. -My name is Luke and I will take care of your case, of you, as long as you stay in this jail.- she jumps as he approaches her. -So it would be better if you get used to my presence.- she closes her eyes and swallows. The young man waits, resting a hand on the table, not far from the female arm. From that position he has a good view of his breasts, but he is not here for this and he has to repeat it at himself a few times.

-Tell me what you want from me and let's get it over.- the girl finally says. The tone of voice wanted to play hard and tough, but after a few words it falters and finally breaks like a glass dropped to the ground. Even the eyes seem to fill with tears, some of them escape and a black strip is now painted on her face. He has to kept himself from stretching the hand and cleaning her face. She closes her eyelids again but begins to shake.

-Penelope...- he calls her by her name, although he uses a distant and professional tone.

-Don't call me Penelope! We are not friends, you aren't a man I met in a bar and who wants to flirt with me!- with all those jumps she continue to pull the handcuffs, causing red marks on her wrists. Luke, this time without thinking, tries to stop her by blocking her both arms on the table. She desists almost immediately.

-I’m aware that this is a difficult situation. You have no previous. And, but this must stay between us, if it was me, you shouldn’t even be here. Animal experimentation is something... horrible.- for the first time, Penelope opens her eyes wide and looks at him like he is a human being.

-You... are you an animal lover? Do you love animals?- now yes, this is the real Penelope. She tries to wipe away the tears, but it's not possible, so Luke decides to do it for her. Just one of his hands is as big as her face and for a moment the girl enjoys the of caress as if it were only this, and not a pitying gesture.

Luke nods, leaving his hand in that position for a few seconds too long. -Yes, I can’t stand the violence on the weak or those who can’t defend themselves.- suddenly he feels embarrassed to talk about himself. He is not used to exposing himself, it is much more convenient to interrogate others. When he breaks the contact, they both feel an icy chill. He returns to the chair and pulls a computer out of the bag. He notices immediately the way she looks at the device, i.e. with interest. -I have to evaluate your level of danger, to decide where to send you. I'll ask you some standard questions, try to answer honestly, ok?- she nods. He doesn't know her yet, but she wouldn’t be able to lie anyway.

Because mistake doesn’t exist, and the fear doesn’t exist, because whoever hates you can pretend it, just to see you cry... but I will love you...

Penelope is very nervous while awaiting the results of the test. She doesn’t know what to expect. Perhaps she is afraid of discovering that she had always been a psychopath, that her whole life was a train directed towards this ultimate, definitive failure. Maybe she did well not to get into the FBI, maybe it's really better if they lock her up and throw away the key.

Maybe.

Like when, for sadness, you travel around the world...

Luke is definitely much quieter, certainly not at stake his life, but already from the answers of the girl has understood how much more that she is a victim, more than executioner and guilty. She hasn’t had an easy life in the last year. Her parents died in a car accident and even if she didn’t want to tell him explicitly, it is very evident that she considers herself the only responsible person; not the drunk driver of the van with a fake license plate, but she, who had snuck out. Regret was the only thing he read in her eyes. It incorporated everything.

Like when you look at me and I don’t answer...

She had absolutely not wanted to tell him why she hadn’t accepted the advantageous offer of Agent Hotchner. She had remained irremovable until he approached to remove the handcuffs. Now she is still massaging her own wrists, she never looks up, nor does she say a single word. She seems to wait that him leaving, but she should have understood that it is not over yet.

-Penelope.- he says only her name, as if he just liked the sound of it. He approaches her, catching the slight shake of her shoulders. He stops a few centimeters. -I have the results. You're not a danger to society.- he struggles not to laugh as he saying it, as if someone could ever believe something like that. Okay, the appearance can be deceiving, but... -It’s the time to go.- he is almost touching her shoulder, not even knowing if this is a gesture of encouragement or what, but at the last he surrenders and pulls back the hand. She stands up and turns to him. -I'm sorry.- he adds, biting his tongue a second later. He has to get not involved. Who knows why, what is this girl, to be able to penetrate his barrier of protection and indifference towards everything. Is it possible that a prosperous breast is enough?

Like when, as always, you always wait, like when you only look at your faults...

-I'm sorry, Penelope, but I have to search you. It is the procedure.- he tries to show himself as neutral as possible to the prospect of passing his hands on that explosive body. The girl opens her eyes wide, looks at him directly, challenging him to do it seriously.

-But this shouldn’t deal with women agents?- she is right and Luke knows, but what she ignores is that her stay here is not completely regular, so the fewer people know, better is. Only a week, and then he can go back to his gray routine. He can do it. The young man stands in front of her, puts his hands on her shoulders and starts to grope her arms, as they teach him to do. He then moves onto the ribs, inadvertently touching the outer side of the breast. He continues downward, but feels her eyes on him, though she says nothing. Even when he touches the girl's hips, he pretends it's an aseptic gesture, but both feel a shock. He lowers to check even the legs, too uncovered. It is clear to both that there would be no need for it, what can she hide there? But he acts anyway, as if he couldn’t do otherwise, so with a simple glance he makes her understand his next move. Penelope leans on the table, while he gently takes one shoe first and then the other, checking that there is nothing inside. Thus, barefoot, she feels even more vulnerable. Luke helps her to wear them again and without realizing she finds herself against his chest.

And when nothing, when nothing can offend you... it's only then that you really know how to be... only sometimes, certain nights, only when you love yourself...

When man feels the breast of the brunette against his body, every rational thought goes out the window. Maybe he shouldn’t have agreed to help Rossi. How could he imagine that it would be so difficult? It's been too long since the last time he did...

-I bring you the new uniform.- the words overlap as he runs out of the room, before she could notice the reaction that has caused to him their closeness.

She would have had to bet that she will not to sleep the first night, but as usual she was able to delude herself. Every time she tried to close her eyes she relived the scene of the search, but instead of agent Luke, there was her ex-boyfriend and he didn’t limit himself to brushing the boundaries of her body, he demanded and even a lot. What she had never allowed him to get.

She had tried counting sheep, anything, but sleep hadn’t come, or rather the weariness of all the hours she had been in Virginia had made itself felt, but she hadn’t been able to rest anyway. And wherever I go, wherever I go, that fear will come back tomorrow, tomorrow... Penelope without realizing it starts scratching the red mark on her right wrist, the more the anxieties become strong, tormented her, the more she takes it out on herself, until the blood comes out. When the liquid begins to run along the entire arm, the girl is forced to notice what she has done, but this doesn’t stop her.

The nail penetrates into the flesh, made ever more tender and fragile. Her eyes closed, she sees her mother's lifeless body, covered by a sheet, next to her husband's. They don’t look like real people, but wax statues. She can feel that cold voice asking her Do you recognize them? Are they your parents? It would have been enough to open the mouth and answer affirmatively, yet she hadn’t succeeded. Not even to nod. She had signed all the documents and then went outside. It was not raining, on the contrary, the sun was shining in the sky. She had never felt before so alone in her life.

And wherever I go, wherever I go, that fear will come back tomorrow, tomorrow...

Luke managed to sleep, but his dreams weren't less painful than the young girl's thoughts. He woke up with a stain on his underwear, something that didn’t happen him since he was in high school. He only remembered that he was shouting a name, some orange spots and then...

He needed to run to work. He had to keep an eye on Penelope... Miss Garcia. Six more days before Hotchner comes to claim her. Anything can happen in a prison, even in a woman prison. Especially to someone like her, who doesn’t seem at all prepared to handle such a situation. Women can also be crueler than men. And he is not the only agent. Since he works in this place, he has witnessed things he would rather forget. He knows how it works, he always knew it. Those rumors that flying around are not just rumors, for once. All the girls who end up there must undergo a further test, not marked on any card. The last admission tests.

He can’t imagine what they could do to her. He understands that he can’t allow it to happen, not just because Rossi asked him to. Penelope has something special, forces him to come out of his selfish shell, pushes him to want to try again the feeling of having that soft body against his, maybe to wrap his arms around her hips and what he would be willing to do to listen his name coming out of those lips?

because whoever hates you can pretend it, just to see you cry...

When he arrives in front of her cell, his head full of imaginary moans and his hands that still seem stained with that semi-transparent liquid, he certainly doesn't expect to find her in that position. Penelope has practically fainted on the cot, her brown hair completely covers her face, the orange jumpsuit doesn't hide her forms. But what strikes him the most is the right arm, abandoned, as lifeless, the fingers of the hand that almost touch the floor tiles... and a red spot that is slowly spreading out beneath it.

Not even the time to think about it, he has already put the key in the lock and is going behind the bars. The finger on the neck to feel a pulse, how many times he has done it since he works for the good guys, but never has he felt so apprehensive, never wanted to feel at least a minimum heartbeat, something that indicates that she is still on this earth. And luckily there is.

-Penelope, Penelope, wake up!- how it's possible that no one have noticed it? It is useless for him to wondering this, he knows. She is worth nothing, in here. Her death means less taxpayers' money to spend and work to guarantee her a correct standard of living. While wrapping the handkerchief around the girl's wrist, stopping the blood flow, Luke wonders if the reason for this extreme gesture is to be found in something that she had already inside her, or if they have accelerated the times and she has been already subjected to the infamous test... But he can't even manage to conceive it, so he drives away the thought, focusing only on simply actions. He went at the first aid course, but right now he seems to have forgotten everything.

The girl opens her eyes, blinks several times, trying to focus on him. -Luke...- she whispers. A solitary tear begins its crossing until it lands on his arm. -Why...- it should be him the one who has to ask her such a question, but he can understand what she means. Why didn't you let me die?

He's almost tempted to reveal everything, Hotch's plan to convince her to join the FBI, how he was recruited in this, but he miraculously manages to hold back. -The animals need you, Penelope.- instead, he tells her this, one hand on the wound, the other strokes her hair. -I have to take you to the infirmary.- he warns her, immediately catching the fear in her brown eyes. -Don't worry, I got you. Can you walk?- a stupid question. He doesn't wait for the answer and picks her up, carrying her on the white bed. While he is still talking, he doesn't even know that the sound of his voice is able to calm her down. -Why you did it, Penelope? This wasn't in your profile. You can act as tough as you want, but I understood you're not a goth, you're full of hopes and colors. Do not try to be what you are not, because you will not be able to do it.- he says, applying the bandage and admiring the result. -Why you did it?- he asks her again.

-I didn't do it knowingly, it happened and... I simply didn't do anything to stop it. To fix things. I thought...- both the voice and the gaze falter. -I thought it was not worth it. That the fate had decided in my place.- once the cap was removed, everything pours out without any brakes. -In the bottom I don't want to live in a world where most people believe that animals are born to be exploited and killed, that an alternative is not even thinkable. In a world where fakes win, where if you stay at home reading a book you're a loser, if you show that you love a person, you're weak. I don't want to be part of it anymore, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to.- it's an endless chant. The girl even begins to sway, until he stops her, holding her by the shoulders.

Often you would like a pair of wings, often the most trivial things, often you hug your stars or often... the skin limits you...

-That incident wasn't your fault...- Luke understands that what she said is true, but that the real issue is still another. This doesn't concerns him, however, and her expression remembers this to him.

-Just because did you read a few sentences in a file, do you think you know me and can judge me? I'm not just a name or four words, and if I can't be something else, then maybe it's really better to die.- in what she says there is all her love for life that she feels forced to disown by a dark force; only those who have loved immensely can get to hate so much. -There is no only one reason in the world or one person for whom it is worth continuing this torment.- while listening to her, always holding her in a sort of strange hug, he finds himself wishing to become that someone.

What's the point of all this? I've only known her for three days.

He has to bring her back to her special cell, before anyone realizes she's not here and starts asking too many questions. He must also make sure that nobody takes advantage of her, at the risk of saying that... she is his now.

Two more days have passed, yet she hasn't even noticed it. The only contacts she had with other human beings were the moments when they brought her meals. However, she didn't eat anything. Since he found her with a hurt wrist, Luke didn't show up anymore. Surely, he also understood that she wasn't worth the effort even of a look.

She can't understand why they slammed her into a solitary confinement. Of course, she's a dangerous hacker, probably among the worst, but she hasn't killed anyone. She repeatedly meditates on removing the bandage to resume work where she was interrupted, but then renounces. It is too long and painful. She is not able to do it again consciously.

She's a weak all the way. But who chooses to put an end on this, is strong for the courage it takes, or is it more the one who, despite everything, decide to stay and fight?

She needs something to implement her plan.

Luke enters without thinking in the least about what could happen. He is concerned. In the last two days, he did nothing but think of the prisoner 435228, Penelope. Every time he closes his eyes, he visualizes her forms with extreme precision and he seems to be able to concretely touch her. But it's not just this. If it were simply sexual desire, he wouldn't be so much anxious.

The problem is far more serious. The problem is that he imagined things he didn't think capable of. Things that he doesn't even want to repeat in his head. Children. Children with light skin but dark hair and those eyes, those eyes so deep and full of pain. He never wanted to become a father. Why force a poor creature to extricate itself in such a complex world?

But his perfectly rational convictions don't cancel those crazy thoughts or dreams he has made, so absurd and inexplicable.

Yet, he is still here, a few inches from the girl. Stay away from here has been unbearable, but he will have to get used to it, because she will not stay here. The feds will find a way to force her to join them. They have the good means. Or they will take her anyway away from there. So the best thing is that he checks if everything is fine, that the bandage is clean, otherwise he will have to change it and then leave. He still has to resist so little time.

They look into each other's eyes for a few seconds. -How are you, Penelope?- he tries to read the answer from the way she bends her lips. -Do you feel better?- he takes another step in her direction. Of course, he doesn't expect her to do the same and so he feels her scent, her natural smell that shouldn't be so good, not after living in a damn cell, penetrating through his nostrils and confusing his mind even more.

-Luke.- here, she did it. She called him by name. The strange tone, which she had never used before. But the surprises have just begun. Without understanding how, he finds himself against one of the cold walls. The body of the young woman press on his, the breasts... and then her lips. And her tongue. Her moans. Who knows if the room is really soundproof, as they told him? Even if it is not, he can’t her stop or stop himself. His big hands wander from her face, neck, shoulders, even if he would definitely want more. -Do you want me, Luke?- asks Penelope, almost not breaking away from him. The seductive and mischievous voice sends the blood directly in a single point. Or maybe it's because she repeated her name. -If you want me, Luke, you can have me.- she continues to provoke him, caressing his bare skin; her hands feel less problems during the exploration.

He can perfectly visualize her beneath him, while she moans seriously, shouting Luke out loud. But it's wrong. She is still part of a mission. He can’t sympathize with prisoners, less than ever with her. It goes against the one he always believed in, in which his father always believed. Never a single call. Always the best in all the tests. What would he say now of what he has become? Forced to work in prison and infatuated with a "criminal". -Yes, I want you.- he admits bitterly. -But...- she stops him placing a finger on his mouth.

-I want you to be the first one.-

She enters the cell again with one hand behind her back, but she still manages to hear a strange clink. On his face he has a kind of smile. Maybe she should have a little fear, but she asked for it. -Go, 435228, the time has come to make a nice ride.- the arrogant tone annoys her above all because she remembers that even if now he is not serious with her, with her other "colleagues" he could being and... the thought makes her jealous. Stupid.

-What are those?- now he has revealed the mystery. Handcuffs. Her eyes widen as she peers at the reflecting surface. He admires her ingenuity, her amazement and above all her candor. He winks at her and before she realizes it, he is behind her, something makes a metallic noise and she is no longer able to move her arms. -Why?- she asks with her surrender tone that excites him to death.

-Because you are still the prisoner and I am the guard.- he clarifies whispering softly, in her ear, after having moved a lock of brown hair. Goosebumps. He doesn’t know if she's really ready for it, but by now it's too late, the mechanism is started, the game started and will not end until "game over" appears on the screen. Pushing her with one hand on her back he lets her out, and then close the bars of the now empty cell.

He chose the perfect moment when they are all busy with their lunch break. Nobody will notice her absence, she hasn’t even a friend. Because she is different, it's not like them. He told her one of these days. It seems centuries have passed and instead it’s not even a week that he met her. And she offered herself to him. At first it was just a gimmick to distract him and get something to help her leave this world. Then, gradually, the farce became real, as well as his muscles pressed against her chest, his tongue in her mouth and the need to find out what else he could do, it became too pressing.

He leads her across the gray corridor, then through an unknown area and then stops in front of a door. When he opens it and pushes her inside, Penelope realizes that it is a closet. Dirty, dusty, extremely reduced. Certainly not the location that a teenager would have imagined would become the background of...

Luke wastes no time. Once having prevented access to anyone, turning the keys repeatedly in the lock, he reaches and presses her against the wall, the only side not overgrown with boxes, brooms and various tools. The mouth is molded with that of the woman, who begins to moan when she feels his tongue at the same time making its way into her palate and his hand resting on her breast and then squeezing a nipple through the fabric. The pleasant torture continues for a time that seems endless to her.

-How... how will you do it this way?- she asks him when he allows her to catch her breath.

-Don’t worry.- he smiles convinced. -I know my tricks.- and perhaps the shocked expression of Penelope is due more to the fact that this sentence for her is tantamount to an admission by him that she is not the first prisoner that he brings here with such intentions, rather than for the next gesture of man. The orange t-shirt is divided into two perfect halves and the busty breasts of the brunette, without any constraint that holds them back, come out into the open, exposing themselves to Luke's eager look. -But... it was my uniform!- is a weak protest and she is aware of it.

His hands are particularly cold and her nipples get more and more numb, until he bends down to take them in his mouth and suck, almost hoping to see them come out of the milk, then stay a few seconds with his head between the two promoters, a relaxed expression that had not visited his face since who knows how long . -Don't worry, there are a lot...- he replies with a certain delay, still too distracted. -I'll bring you another one.- he reassures her continuing to play with this part of her, never satiated. -This was still old, and it stank.- restrain herself is increasingly difficult, every gesture of Luke seems perfectly calibrated and goes to touch the right points in the correct sequence. Penelope fears she might have an orgasm sooner than expected. -These pants don’t do you justice.- he comments at a certain point, after having pricked her for a few more minutes, rubbing her against the wall and having fun moving his hands and tongue in sync, entering her mouth just when he pinches the tip of a breast and enjoying the way in which the girl's eyes open and close for ecstasy of pleasure. Penelope didn’t know what to expect as she doesn’t know if she should be grateful that he didn’t immediately go straight to the point. These preliminaries, however, are killing her. He comes off and starts to take her pants down. She strives in all ways not to think, doesn’t allow his brain to work. She knows that her breasts attract many male looks, but she doesn’t consider her lower half at the same level. But he doesn’t seem to agree with her, because he doesn’t utter a disgusted cry, nor does he stop torturing her. She closes her eyes as his cold hands run along her legs, the skin behind her knee, her thighs, her ass and then... some fingers move forward. They exceed the elastic of the panties. She holds more than a moan, even for the difference in heat. And then he stops. This time, his eyes are wide open and incredulous. He pulls out his fingers and stares them. -You... you're virgin!- strangely Penelope keeps her eyes proud and nods.

-Yes, why, is this also a crime?- it is the first time she reacts to his provocation, which she acts in this way. Luke still can’t believe the information he has just acquired. -I only twenty-two years.- the idea that no man had her before him, excites him even more, makes him feel as if she were really only his, as if she had waited on purpose... but at the same time he also feels the weight of this responsibility.

-But... that ex-boyfriend of which you spoke to me... I thought...- he seems to be lost.

-No.- she exclaims with firm tone. -I was in love with him- she confesses -but I always felt that something was wrong, so I denied to him this part of me.- she simply ends with a shrug that rocks her breast still naked.

-Do you want to lose your virginity... with me?- why instead of asking it, he does not do it, before she changes her mind? But he is not the macho she believes he is, and he is forced to tell her. -I’m not that kind of man.- a phrase that seems strange, absurd, crazy, even to his own ears. He wasn’t this before he met her.

-I'm not usually that kind of woman either.- and she has the fact of being inviolate on her side. -Yes, I want to lose it with you, why not?- he has the decency not to answer. -Before I die, I want to find out if I really missed something in all these years or I was right.- just for a moment, Luke's excitement cools. It is a phrase that is often used as an example, without being conscious of its weight, a way of saying, but she has said it differently. He senses something black beneath the surface but decides to ignore it.

-Looks, it also depends on who you're doing with...- but it's a losing battle.

She tries to get away. She is wounded, she feels rejected. -Do you want to do it? If you don’t want it, give me a shirt and leave me alone.- how far she is from the reality! He doesn’t reply anything but shakes his head and silences her by placing a finger on her lips, the same one that a second ago was inside her. Then he bends down, takes off her shoes and pants, and for last those pink panties that would catch his eye even if he didn’t want to. She is left wearing only that torn shirt, and yet she is not cold, because she trembles with anxiety and doesn’t know if she wants to die yet. Luke pulls himself up again and smiles at her, almost a sweet smile.

-Because that it's the first time, this may hurt a little.- he explains in a calm tone, while the hands, no longer so cold, return to take care of her lower half. -We need to lubricate the area a little, to facilitate the operation.- the way he talks, if possible, drives her more crazy. The fingers are no longer uncertain, they perform precise turns, various lunges that snatch out of her mouth moans of pleasure. He plays with her clit and by the way the girl looks at him, he gets confirmation that this is really her first experience and that the damn who had driven her to be arrested to get rid of him, hadn’t had the least privilege to really touch her body.

But he had certainly touched her heart and soul. Thinking about this irritates him and for this he pushes a little too rude, to which she responds with a lament of pain. He stops and looks at her. If she asked him to stop, if she told him she changed her mind... he would be able to respect her will. But she doesn’t seem to waver in her purpose, so after a second, he starts again.

-Right because it will hurt, you may scream a little too loud. I'll have to stop you, so the whole prison won't able to hear us, okay?- she doesn’t nod but blinks her eyelids once and stares at him as his fingers continue to do their job. It's not so bad, Penelope thinks, while he takes off his shoes and pants while remaining in boxers. A protuberance greets her. She has never seen a naked man before. She doesn’t want to feel embarrassed or strange about it. But it's really hard to believe that the swelling is all due to her. Luke also removes that garment. They are both covered only in the upper half, from the waist up and this should make the whole situation already unreal.

Still, the closet seems less small, less dirty, less dusty, less ugly. Perhaps the boundaries disappear, perhaps it all disappears, when he makes her lie down on a sort of cot that she hadn’t noticed before. He opens the handcuffs to leave locked just one hand, which he fixes in the edge. He spreads her legs and crouches near her aperture. Ready? he asks her with his eyes, without speaking, then holding her he gives the first push, penetrating the first part of her, the one where his fingers have already been. When he feels he is projected in the right direction, he lies down in turn. He still looks at her, but no sign from Penelope seems to indicate that she has changed her mind. Luke sighs and gives a second push, followed by a third one.

At first she doesn’t feel nothing, then a huge burning, so almost as if someone would tearing her apart. The cry of pain of Penelope, which doesn’t sound very like a moan, is muffled by the great hand of man, pressed on her mouth. He doesn’t stop, although her pupils dance from side to side, and he feel the girl's lips move, trying to say something. Enough, I changed my mind, I don’t want it anymore. Enough, enough, go out, get away from me, stop! Even a few tears flow down her cheeks, but Luke keeps moving back and forth, every time he comes out, he seems to take the urge to penetrate even deeper and slowly, very slowly, the pleasure replaces the suffering, she feels completely filled by him, who begins to kiss her by going in sync with his pushes. Penelope follows him, the tears now dry on the lashes, a small crimson stain underneath that she ignores.

Sometimes he lets her moan but is forced to absorb the strongest moan, both his own and hers, when they reach their full enjoyment, and he empties into her cavity without the slightest regret.

This was also quite predictable. Penelope no longer wanted to meet him, after what happened, although she was the one who proposed it. Just as it was obvious that he would end up seeing it with his own guilt.

Now Luke is waiting to finally see the elusive agent Aaron Hotchner and his subordinate, in charge of convincing her to agree to join the FBI and consequently take her away from him. But maybe it's better this way. If he will not see her anymore, the obsession will lessen. Shouldn’t he already be grateful enough to have been her first time? In a shabby closet, wearing handcuffs. Everybody dream something like that.

He understands that it's all bullshit. Maybe it works in any booklet or in a film of little cultural value, but not with him. Even if he is deeply mistaken, must he tell her what he really feels for her, without expecting anything in return, without demanding... to demand what? What he did was wrong in all respects.

For the umpteenth, last time, he enters that cell.

-What are you doing here, Luke? I asked you to leave me alone!- he notices with a sigh of relief that she hasn’t hurt herself again. At least that. He approaches, she moves back and ends up against the wall.

-I know, but I need to tell you something. I'm not very good at declarations, so I'll tell you what I feel. Yesterday it wasn’t just sex. It was also my first time, because before then, I just had sex. We made love, Penelope. I'm fucking in love with you, I think of you obsessively, I know it's wrong, but it's not enough to stop me. I don’t just dream about erotic things, ok? Even the rest...- she doesn’t understand, is confused, and the way he talks about himself, almost sobbing, certainly doesn’t help.

And I will love you more than any tomorrow, more than any other of what you thought...

-But a prisoner and a guard can’t fraternize.- that's all she can say.

-This will not be a problem anymore.- Penelope widens her pupils as she listens to his story. -Agent Hotchner and a certain Morgan are coming, they will try to convince you to join the BAU. There will be no document or proof that you were here... my job was to keep an eye on you this week, to prevent that something could happening to you... to keep you safe for them. They don’t intend to give up on you.- the hand hits as fast as the tongue of a reptile, the attack of a snake. Five red fingers on his cheek. Luke doesn’t react.

-So it was all a joke! And was this last confession too? Congratulations, Luke, why don’t you sign up for drama academy? You are a sublime actor.- the tears flowing on her cheeks are of anger and disappointment.

-No, there was nothing fake. I really fell in love with you, no one asked me to pretend it... I just had to protect you, but I failed, I wasn’t able to protect you from myself. I'm sorry, but believe me, it wasn’t fake.- she shakes her head.

-I... I don’t really know what to think.- they are disrupted. It's time for Penelope to decide her destiny.

Months have passed, yet the obsession hasn’t vanished at all, hasn’t diminished. There were a thousand other prisoners, no one keeps him up like her. Luke is now resigned to a gray life, a boringly quiet routine. He doesn’t expect that call, as he didn’t expect the one from Rossi.

He doesn’t expect that job, that sudden offer.

Joinining the Behavioral Analyst Unit.

The only thing they can tell him is that someone has pressured. Someone managed to find proof of his innocence. All the problems vanished, all forgotten. Reintegrated with honor, father is proud of you.

He didn’t expect it, but he should have understood that behind it was her hand .

-Penelope.- as the first time and like all the others, the girl's name sounds like music through his lips.

-Luke.- she says. They are alone. It was she who asked the rest of the team to leave her for a moment with the Newbie. She didn’t want to give other explanations.

-Why?- he simply ask, the voice broken with various sweet nuances.

-Because it’s right. I read your file. You're perfect for this team. And you didn’t deserve to stay in that place.- she doesn’t add anything else, but he knows he understood. There are things you can’t hide, there are some things I can’t cry about you...

-Well... thanks. You didn’t have to do it.- these are phrases of circumstance, but through their mouths they take on a different meaning. She nods and puts a hand on her hip. At that moment he notices some different details in her. She changed her hair color. Now she is blonde. How it's possible he had need all this time to notice it? Overall, she's radiant, she looks like another person. Surely one that no longer needs his support. So why come here, help him? Just to return a favor? He must have been a superlative lover, in this case, because he didn’t feel he had really done any good for her, in fact. And her breast... yes, it definitely got bigger and looks even harder. In that first, one night, he didn’t have the chance to do everything he wanted... how long he wanted to reach out and... no, not here! Nowhere, in fact.

Penelope seems about to say something but gets stuck and runs to the sink. She vomits. Luke don’t need anything else.

I don’t care now to pretend, you can read my eyes...

-You're pregnant.- it's not a question. She cleans her face and turns to face him. How can he claim to know it's his baby? It's been weeks. She may have found another one. Maybe a blond and pale boyfriend like her waiting at home. Maybe the asshole from which she had escaped. Maybe she gave him another chance. Still, he feels it's his. He feels it with the hairs of his arms, in the way she looks at him.

-It is not a problem that concerns you.- she completely changes attitude, puts her hand on her stomach, in protective way, but the voice falters, trembles. She never told him she loves him. And yet, he know this too. Luke decides that their "relationship" has been strange from the beginning, so he doesn’t see why now it should be otherwise. He puts his arm around her waist and draws her close to him, caresses her cheek with his other hand.

-Don’t be afraid of me, Penelope. Don’t be afraid of the future or at least allow me to have fear with you.- he moves his hand on her stomach, intertwine their fingers and this time it is the girl's turn to understand. -I would grow up with you this baby even if it wasn’t mine... but I know it is...- those tears in the corners of his intense eyes are the final proof that he is telling the truth.

-Luke, you don’t have to do it. I don’t want to condemn you to a life you don’t want, just because I haven’t been able to keep my legs closed.- he would almost give her a slap, for the absurdity that she said. Instead he merely shakes his head.

-It's not a question of honor. What grows inside you is the labor of love. It was only very bizarre the path we have had to do to get to conceive it.- he smiles, everything fades into that.

I wish I could lose, without ever having to give up...

She puts her lips on his and for the first time in more than a year she feels really safe. She releases all the tension and surrenders to that unwanted feeling, but never disowned. Without more fear.

But the mistake doesn’t exist... fear doesn’t exist . Fear, fear, fear doesn’t exist

TAGS: @theshamelessmanatee @arses21434 @kathy5654 @martinab26 @reidskitty13 @jenf42 @gracieeelizabeth27 @silviajajaja @smalliemichelle99 @charchampagne14 @thinitta @myhollyhanna23 @garvezz @mercedes-maldonado @shyladystudentfan

#garvez #criminal minds #cm #penelope garcia #luke alvez #penelope x luke #luke x penelope #garcia x alvez #alvez x garcia #tiziano ferro #la paura non esiste

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the-bounce-back · 5 years

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THE CONFIDENCE CHRONICLES PART I - CONFIDENCE IN THE WORKPLACE

First of all… yes, I know I said I’d spend more time writing and have this out a week after my previous post. But to be honest… I say a lot of things, and a lot of those things are pure rubbish. I’m here now, stop crying.

I’m joking, before anyone gets triggered. Life really just kept getting in the way - word to my girl Gabriella Montez. There’s been a lot going on that has had me in my feelings, and as mentioned in earlier posts I don’t particularly like writing when I’m feeling like I want to get hit by a bus. But hey, on the bright side it’s given me loads of topic ideas to write about at a later stage, so, you know… silver linings and that.

Anyways. As mentioned briefly in my previous post, I have decided to do a series of posts entirely dedicated to building your self-confidence in different aspects in life. The series will consist of five slightly shorter “bite-sized” posts, that will outline various methods, mindsets, exercises and thought processes to apply to everyday life - all of which have been crucial to myself in my own confidence jOuRnEy.

I’ve decided to do this series for a whole load of reasons, the main ones being the following:

1. For the first time in my adult life I can genuinely say that I am getting to be comfortable with who I am, what I’m doing and where I’m going (for the most part) - a feeling that I genuinely want others to experience as well.

2. Unlearning years of self-hate, constant self-criticism and your brain telling you that you’re not worthy enough/smart enough/good enough to achieve what you want to achieve is a disgustingly long and heartbreaking task. I really wish I had something to guide me along the way, but I think I’ll find comfort in knowing that someone might read this and not feel as alone during their own process.

3. Although we all have insecurities about different things, that sh*t can really isolate us and make us feel abnormal and alone. I’m hoping that writing about how I overcame/am in the process of overcoming my insecurities will aid in destigmatising these kind of feelings as a whole.

With that being said, my first post in this series will be about confidence in the workplace. Starting with the easy stuff, so to speak.

I realised recently that it’s been quite a while since I’ve given any kind of indication of how work is going, which is actually one of the main reasons why I relocated to London in the first place. My previous posts discuss a lot of the anxiety leading up to it, and my post about giving yourself accolades (again, read it here because it’s some of my best work) discusses how I forced myself to cast my humility aside in my job interview to appear more confident. This post will kind of be an elaboration on this, as I have settled in to my role and have developed this confidence further.

I’ve been at this job for a little over four months now, and a lot has changed since I was sat there in that interview making myself come across as I had Kanye levels of self-confidence and like I wasn’t absolutely bricking it. Despite it probably being the maddest test of my resilience to stress and pressure since exam season in 3rd year, I really am enjoying it in the sense that I am being challenged on a daily basis, I have a lot of freedom in terms of how I organise my work, and I have excellent means to stay motivated to keep working towards a promotion. As far as what I was rambling on about in my interview goes - this is exactly what I wanted from my new role.

However - as I should have anticipated, expectations almost definitely always significantly stray from reality. I think that the largest reason for my confidence wavering a few weeks into the position was definitely due to the shock of how different it was from the expectations I had conjured up in my head, and there was a period of a few weeks where I seriously started to question if I was cut out for this type of work. Consider your girl humbled.

I think the biggest shock was how fast-paced, loud and energised the working environment was - this is obviously a good thing, but considering the way both my mental state and general energy levels have been these past few months I think it’s all just been quite overwhelming, and probably ended up making me feel like I didn’t have the drive and motivation required to be successful within the organisation.

In other words… I was having a bit of a weak-b*tch-with-an-inferiority-complex moment. How embarrassing and sauceless.

Anyways, that’s all over now - I’ve been able to reevaluate my approach to the role and how to tAkE cOnTrOl of my situation by establishing a few things to be mindful of while I’m at work - small things that have really made a big difference for me, and might be able to help you feel more secure and confident in your role, too.

1, Remember that everyone there has been in your position.

So you all know by now that I’m a sucker for clichés - because they’re always true. On my first day at my new job I felt so intimidated by the size of the office, the amount of employees, the fact that my senior sales manager literally sits two desks away from me… literally everything felt so overwhelming. Not necessarily in a bad way, but my mind was definitely in overdrive from the vast amount of information. That, along with my insecurities of being the New Person™ and not knowing anything about the lingual services industry - and having to have a 1on1 meeting with the regional director within 3 hours of being in the office.

What got me through that first week of awkwardness and feeling like a complete idiot was constantly reiterating to myself that I’m definitely not the first and definitely not the last to be in this position, that I will learn tHe RoPeS over time and that we all have to start somewhere. I know this doesn’t sound like a ground-breaking epiphany, but as someone that is used to understanding/catching on to to things very quickly, not knowing what the f*ck was going on definitely swayed my confidence at the time. I used to proper hate being the only person not knowing how things work, and constantly having to ask for help - but I’ve managed to flip it around and make it a confidence booster, instead. This, in the sense that I’ve acknowledged my drive and determination to not be the clueless new person, and to excel within my field by asking loads of questions and forcing myself out of my comfort zone. Doing this successfully has definitely made me more secure and appreciative of my learning abilities, and this confidence definitely hasn’t gone unnoticed by upper management.

This even relates back to points made in previous posts - learning to be kind and patient with yourself and learning to not freak out when you’re not in control of a situation. Additionally, I confidently leaned on one of my main selling points that I discovered when evaluating my suitability for this kind of job - my ability to learn new things fast, and my ability to adapt to a new situation.

Look at me, taking my own advice for once. You know what that is? Growth. I have to stan.

2. Eliminate tentativeness when you communicate with others - regardless of seniority.

This is definitely a psychological aspect of confidence more than anything. Regardless of if you work in a soulless corporation or one of those mOdErN organisations that swears that they don’t have a hierarchical structure, chances are you have a person or multiple people that you report to.

I began to notice that the combination of not being knowledgeable of this industry and now having to report directly to senior managers that have been in the industry for over a decade made me feel very insecure about having to ask for help or even asking questions in general, because I felt that I was wasting their valuable time with things that I felt that I should have known already. As in, really industry-specific things that would’ve been really weird if I had known them at the time.

To combat this feeling, I forced myself to remember that these senior managers - after stripping away their years of experience, industry knowledge and fancy titles - are human as well, and definitely were in my position at some point. Remembering that even the CEO was once a bumbling and confused idiot like myself at one point definitely aided me in seeing the bigger picture - that without investing in recruitment, training and mentoring of new people, the future of the company is literally f*cked. The recognition of this fact definitely almost eliminated my inferiority complex, and I was able to see senior managers as equals with a lot of valuable advice and knowledge, instead of these terrifying looming dementors that were waiting for me to mess up and fire me.

So, how does this relate to eliminating tentativeness when communicating with others?

I’m glad you asked. In corporate settings, internal communication and project coordination is predominantly done over emails, and where I work almost all communications have senior managers in cc in order to provide visibility into what is happening - good or bad. Obviously I could go on for ages about how to feel more confident in having so many high-up people within the company watching your every move, but really and truly there’s only one thing that I’ve been doing that I feel is worth mentioning:

I removed the word “just” from my vocabulary.

That is, in the context of when I’m asking a question or asking for help, e.g.:

“I’m just wondering if…”

“I’m just double checking that…”

“I just wanted to ask…”

If you read those beginnings of sentences out loud, you’ll probably hear that using the word “just” inserts a sense of tentativeness, submissiveness and insecurity in one's own knowledge. Furthermore, it makes you come across as apologetic for doing your job properly or asking questions - which is obviously ridiculous.

I’m know that removing the word “just” from my vocabulary probably has little to no effect on how upper management sees me, but that’s not really the point here. The point is that when I make a conscious effort to not utilise the word, I’m very self-aware in the sense that I’m choosing to come across as more assertive and confident - which has lead me to feel more comfortable when I’m communicating with those higher up in the organisation than me.

It’s a very small change, but it has definitely affected my confidence and assertiveness in my role. The power of a simple word, eh? The mind boggles.

3. Evaluate exactly what you want to get out of this job, and do something every day that will get you closer to this goal.

This is definitely the most important point for me. For the first time in my life, I’m in a job that I genuinely see myself staying at and progressing within - and there’s plenty of opportunities, concrete targets and support to keep me motivated enough to keep grinding towards a promotion. I genuinely want to excel within the company (at least for the time being - who knows how I’ll feel a few months down the line?), and the feeling of being sure of that has made me a lot more confident alone.

Of course, not everyone is at a stage in their career where they feel like a promotion within the company they work for is the ultimate goal. The fact of the matter is that some jobs are solely means to an end for other unrelated goals, like saving up for something or to get work experience for the job you actually want. Either way, I strongly believe that knowing the purpose for even going to work every day in the first place gives you this deep-rooted determination, motivation and resilience to workplace bullsh*t that ends up manifesting itself as confidence.

Put it this way - if you know exactly what you are working towards in this specific role, there really shouldn’t be anything that can sway you from achieving this (assuming that you want it enough). Going into work on at least a majority of days (because let’s face it, sometimes you just want to have a chill at work) with a mission of doing something that will get you closer to your goal will not only help you stay focused on completing the tasks, but will also give you the ability to not let minor conflicts and “hiccups” along the way get to you. Trust me, you won’t even have the energy to worry about what other people are doing - and personally speaking, being this set in your own lane does wonders for feeling insecure.

Of course, it is slightly difference for those who aren’t entirely sure what their next move is, and that are doing a job for the sole purpose of paying bills and staying fed. I feel that a lot of people - myself in the past included - let the lack of direction really get to them and end up in a very destructive rut of just existing without finding their purpose, and letting it break down their self-esteem along the way. However, I honestly feel that being in this kind of position can - and should - be seen as an opportunity for growth and fInDiNg YoUrSelF outside of work. Yes, figuring out what you want to do is incredibly daunting, but I think that we often make the mistake in assuming that the path we choose is the path we have to stay on for the rest of our lives. No pressure.

With that being said, working a job you don’t care about can still be empowering and confidence-boosting in the sense that you know for a fact that once you know what you want to do, you can easily just walk away from it without feeling that you’ve made a mistake. There is something very powerful in knowing that you can just drop everything and leave at any second as soon as you’ve had enough of it, and I’ve even promised myself to apply this to my current job if I ever change my mind about it. Life’s too short to do sh*t you don’t want to do.

Anyways, there you have it - three mindsets that I’ve applied to my career plans that have made me feel a lot more confident when making decisions in the workplace. Hopefully you’ve been able to take something away from it, and that you know that you’re capable of achieving anything you wish to pursue career-wise if you’re willing to put in hard work, and committed to being happy with the direction your life is going.

Love,

Liv

#selflove #selfhelp #Empowerment

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goodnightkisseu · 5 years

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Remember Us - Chapter 2 - Remember When I Confessed To You

Notes: I’m hoping that with the weekend coming up that I can get myself on a better posting schedule than just before it basically is the end of the day ;A; Still, I really enjoying writing this particular chapter, the interactions being really cute and fun to bring to life. I hope that everyone enjoys this one. Please feel free to let me know what you think!

P.S I will go through and update the masterlist for this story shortly. I’ll also reblog with a link to it so that people will have access to it! ^^

- goodnightkisseu’s admin / ashley <3

You would have been the first to tell Seongwu that his idea was extremely sappy. But even so, you had to admit that, thinking back on your relationship was actually kind of fun. It made you realize of how amazing it was that your paths had crossed when they did. Because honestly, if the two of hadn’t met at that time, you probably never would have met each other. You actually weren’t even sure if you’d even be a manager if it wasn’t for meeting Seongwu. A lot of things, both in your relationship and your lives had come from meeting each other, influencing each other, and you had to admit, it was an interesting thing to think about.

As your wonderful boyfriend had instructed, you pulled the next envelope from the box and stared at it momentarily. You gently ran your fingers across the date that Seongwu had written on it, your mind wondering what you should do. You had considered reading it before work with your coffee like you had the last one, but strolling down memory lane almost made your late for work yesterday. So, even though it was what you wanted to do, instead of starting your day with the letter, you decided to save it so that you could end your day with it. On your way into your room to change you placed the envelope on Seongwu’s pillow, as a way to remind you to read it that night.

After changing and getting all of your things together, you found yourself back out in the living room, pulling on your shoes and squaring everything away so that you could leave your apartment to pick up the girls for their schedule. Before leaving you quickly pulled out your phone and sent a message to Seongwu, realizing that you hadn’t replied to his message from the night before. You let him know that you were having fun with his corny letters and that you couldn’t wait to see what the next one had in store for you when you came home from work that night. With that message sent, and knowing that you wouldn’t get an instant reply from him with how busy his own schedule was, you slipped your phone back into your pocket and headed out the door…

As expected, your day had been a busy one, but only because of the two back to back fan meetings that day. The girls were exhausted, sleeping the entire way to both events in the car, and you as a manager were also quite exhausted from having to keep a close eye on fans during both events. Most of the fans were pretty respectful, but there were definitely some that got a little handsy or who were trying to test their luck. Still, both events ended smoothly and you eventually found yourself at home, kicking off your shoes and just collapsing on your bed. You laid there momentarily before you rolled onto your side, looking at the empty space next to you. Ever since Seongwu had become a member of Wanna One, you had definitely been seeing him less. Before that, he would be over constantly, sometimes even home before you were. And as soon as he saw how exhausted you were, he’d wrap you up in his arms, and smother you in his hugs.

Lately, this had been happening less, and if anything, he was far more exhausted than you were. Whenever he’d stop by, you’d advise that he get some rest, even if all he wanted to do was to cuddle up and make you feel better, you tried to put him first. The thought made you a bit sad though. When was the last time you had seen him? He had been away for so long, only being able to stay for a couple of hours before he snuck out while you were asleep. It made your miss him greatly, his presence, his scent, his everything, but you supposed it would be a while before you could even plan something together now that he was overseas.

As your hand gently reached out to touch his pillow, your fingers touched something that felt like paper, and at that moment you remembered. His letter. You had left it here to read when you got home. Suddenly, you felt your fatigue start to wane as you reached over to the bedside table and flipped on the light. Once the room was lit enough, you settled yourself back against the pillow, and opened his letter, pulling out the white sheet of paper and slowly unfolding it, scanning its contents that read:

My love has made it to the second day of my shenanigans! I applaud you, and will probably owe you big time by the time you get through all twelve of these letters.

Anyway, do you remember that time, when the instructors paired us off to practice a couple’s routine because they kept saying that it would happen at some point or another during our idol careers? Everyone, of course, was trying to switch their partners around depending on who they like or who they didn’t like, but I still remember how lucky I was to get you to begin with. We were really close back then, and getting to do the dance routine with you really eased a lot of my concerns.

But also, I was glad because there was something that I wanted to tell you. I had been holding it back for a very long time but I had made it my mission to confess to you before the end of it all. You remember it, don’t you? In that practice room, late at night?

A smile graced your lips as you thought back to that moment. After you had helped Seongwu pass his first choreography evaluation, he had tried to make it up to you. He had offered to buy you lunch or even a couple of cups of coffee, but you had turned them all down. You told him that you didn’t do it to be repaid, but because you wanted him to do well. You let him know that a lot of the girls were hoping he would pass, to which he made a joke about his looks. Though you would normally find this to be a bit conceded, he did so in a way that kind of poked fun at himself, and that was a bit endearing to you.

After that point the two of you started spending more time together, doing more than just greeting each other when you ran into each other. You started to talk, and your friendship grew from there to the point where you were practically inseparable. You spent a lot of time together, and though you didn’t think much of it at first, you soon realized that there was something else there. You weren’t sure what it was, but you knew for a fact that you were definitely starting to see him as more than just a friend, and that was always dangerous territory.

Thing was, apparently it wasn’t just you that was starting to see this. The other trainees, particularly your friends, were seeing it too. They would comment on how happy you seemed after talking to him, or about how you could sometimes seek him out if you had a question about something. They also said that Seongwu did the same to you, and said that they were jealous of your blooming relationship.

“I wish that one of the guys would take an interest in me in the way that Seongwu takes interest in you…” Miyeon said one day when your and the others were just sitting around trying to pick out a song to learn for your vocal evaluations.

You looked up from your list after having crossed out some songs with raps in them, raising your brow at the younger female sitting next to you. “What are you talking about Miyeon?”

“Oh come on, unnie. Seongwu-oppa obviously likes you. He’s so flirty with you,” she insisted.

“Flirty how?” you countered. You had felt it too, but you just thought you were seeing things.

The young girl thought about it for a moment before speaking again. “I mean like you know how he’ll come up to you and gently tap your shoulder to get your attention? He doesn’t do that with anyone else. Or the way that he’ll wait for you to show up before he joins everyone in the practice room. He definitely feels something for you,” she hypothesized, taking a sip of the smoothie in front of her.

“We’re just friends,” you replied, though you had noticed the shift in Seongwu’s behavior as well. Or the way that he would bring food for the two of you to share on nights when you were practicing late, even though you knew that he had finished early.

“I have to agree with her. There’s something going on and if it’s anyone that’s not noticing it, it’s you,” Eunbi interjected, but you waved the idea off, going back to take another look at your list before you realized that it was time for your couple’s dance practice with Seongwu…

Your practice was the same as it always was. Dancing with each other felt easy. It felt… right. Though, you’d be lying if you said that you weren’t thinking about the things that your friends had said earlier. Was he really nicer to you? You didn’t think so, but they seemed to think there was something up. And truth be told, you would have been okay with it. You actually did like him, but you could never tell how he felt about you so you kept it to yourself for the most part. But it would have been nice to get a sign as your friends had seen though. It would really just give you the push to say something yourself.

About three hours later the two of you collapsed on the group in complete exhaustion. About two hours in the two of you finally managed to get through the entire routine. It was still full of mistakes of course, but now you could work on ironing those out. A week of hard work was really doing amazing things for both of you. Progress was really showing. Though, honestly, couple dances were hard. Not only did you have to learn your moves, but you also had to learn to dance in sync, or to complement your partner. It would be a lie if you said that you and Seongwu hadn’t crashed into each other more than a hundred times during this entire endeavor. It had been worth it though.

Also, just dancing with Seongwu… it was different. You hadn’t really understood what your friends were talking about until that night. Though you told yourself that Seongwu only held you the way he did because it was a couple’s dance about a couple, you definitely felt something. And the way you felt about him also made it hard to think clearly at times.

“I think if we keep this up, we can definitely have this routine polished by the time we have to showcase it,” you said with a small smile, your head resting against the hardwood floor. It felt cool against your skin, and it was a welcomed feeling after how much energy you just spent.

Seongwu nodded. “Yeah, I think if you just work a little harder, we’re going to be great. I mean, because I’m obviously already perfect,” he said matter-of-factly. You knew he was only teasing, but you still rolled your eyes at him, something that you weren’t sure if he caught as he was also on his back looking up at the ceiling.

“Okay, king of choreography, I’ll work harder so that we can both be perfect. You don’t have to clean up those messy steps of yours in the middle at all,” you retorted, making Seongwu burst out in a fit of laughter at your seriousness. His loud guffaw only made your laugh in return and the two of you just laid there, laughing at your ridiculousness when you were together.

Once your laughter died down, the two of you continued to lay there in silence, just glad to have a moment to relax in your busy lives as trainees. You had other talents that you had to get better at and oftentimes, you didn’t get any downtime as you had now. This was nice, and it was nice lying here together.

Seongwu however, was the first to break your comfortable silence. “Hey, can I tell you something?” he asked. His tone and words were usually rather silly, but today, he was taking a more direct approach. What he had to say was important, and he knew that hiding it behind a joke was only going to make him seem insincere.

“Of course you can. You know I’m always here to listen. What’s up?” you asked, your eyes still fixated on the low lights hanging from the ceiling.

“I like you,” he said honestly. His words were simple and straightforward. He didn’t bury them in a joke or give a long drawn out speech. He just… said it.

Truth be told, even with everything your friends had been saying, you didn’t think much of Seongwu’s statement. He had implied that he liked you as a person before and you thought this was just another one of those moments. So instead of being surprised by his statement, you gently rolled onto your side to look at him. “I like you too, Seongwu,” you said, parroting back his works to him.

But Seongwu wasn’t satisfied with your answer. He knew that you didn’t quite understand what he meant. So, he rolled onto his side as well, the two of you now face to face, only a couple inches from each other, your eyes locked in a gentle stare. “No, silly. I like you,” he said again, emphasizing the word ‘like.’ And though it seemed silly, his emphasis on the word caused something to click in your brain, and a pink tint crept onto your cheeks as a result.

“Wait, you what?” you asked, now feeling extremely embarrassed being so close to him and also being a bit slow on the uptake. Your friends had been right after all.

Seongwu, seemingly amused by your reaction pulled himself a little closer to you, never quite taking his eyes off of you. “What, do I have to say it in another language or something? I said I like you,” he repeated himself, very relaxed with his words. He didn’t make a fuss with them. They were just there as if they were just an everyday statement. He liked you.

Though his confession had indeed registered to you, it seemed that your brain was still trying to work through it all. “But, since when?” you finally managed to ask, your words finding their way back to you.

He chuckled, finding your confusion endearing. You always seemed so strong, so level-headed that it was rather cute to see you fumbling with your words. Though your question was not one he had a good answer to. “I mean, I’m not really too sure myself, but does it matter? I just know that I like you. Isn’t that enough?” he asked softly.

“I mean… you feel the same… don’t you?” he added. “Unless I’ve been reading your signals incorrectly this entire time…”

Oh, he had definitely been reading your signals right. And everything settled in for you at that moment. It settled in that this boy in front of you liked you, seemingly as much as you liked him. He was confessing to you, and it would be wrong for you to leave him hanging. “You caught me. I like you too,” replied with a smile.

Seeing that smile on your lips filled his heart with a certain warmth, and throwing caution to the wind, he gently leaned towards you, his forehead against yours, your noses gently touching. “I’m glad,” he whispered quickly before giving you a gentle kiss, expressing his emotions in a way that his words couldn’t seem to…

While you laid quietly in your bed, you couldn’t help but think back to that kiss. It was so soft and tender, so gentle. He just effortlessly leaned in, in a way that only he could to make the butterflies in your stomach rise. And every kiss with him since would often evoke this type of feeling within you. It didn’t take a lot to make you fall for him, and you still felt that way about him now.

The subconscious thought of his lips against yours brought your fingers to your lips as you gently traced the area where his lips would normally occupy. And as expected, when you went to bed that night, you couldn’t help but think about him… and just how much you missed his lips against yours…

#wanna one #ong seongwoo #wanna one imagines #wanna one scenarios #ong seongwoo scenarios #ong seongwoo imagines #ong seongwu #ong seongwu scenarios #ong seongwu imagines #kpop scenarios

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