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lostinathoughtonceagain · 4 years

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Im not sure where to start although i feel like i alwyas start with that.My mom says i seem to be doing alot better and inn truth i am. I feel more myself and joyous and mre personality, and than theres still an emptiness that creeps in. The sort of weird shame feeling i used to get in mornings or without a shirt on, i got it today after grabbing clothes from my moms. maybe this is just a personal issue but im trying not to isolate myself in my emotions. TI appreicate and find it hard to understand the idea of common humanity. It is true humans all epereince these emotions and it is only to ones disadvantage when we tell ourselves were the only ones who have ever felt these emotions. In truth we are the only ones who experience things given we all have different perspectives, childhoods, personalities, and biology of our brains.. yet i think that an important to try to find the common humanity. empathy, relating to one another. we are more alike than we are different. YOu know when your on the freeway and you wonder where are all these people going. Myabe some are picking up there kids, going to a booty call, stopping to grab bananas at the store, and we wont ever know, everyone is all doing there own thing, eveyone is jsut driving just going to work doing things and im wo dering if anyone else is freaked out about what is happening. Why the hell are we here?n why iseveryone not freaking out with the little time we have, i want to make the most out of what is happeing i dont want to waste any more time not being where i want to be, i wanted to be skinny so i can go on with my life. But i geuess thats alos the point of life. ive been so worried about living that i havnt actually been living. Im failing at an attempt to handle my shit. I look back on the past and how come i can only think, mostly think of the bad things. The relationships that i shouldve ended sooner cuz i didnt really lvoe them as i thought love would be. THey were all merely a disspointment. That sounds rude but to put it this way i alwyas thought there was something better for me. MY parents used to say at times “its never enough for you katie” maybe that is true. maybe im never satisidef. Maybe it was because they were tired and had tried there best and i failed because my needs wernt meant. not that they were needs. I think back to guys ive hooked up with and wish i had higher standards. why did i find satisfaction in attention from people that didnt even care about me. WHen guys used me and i was glad to let them. Especailly when i had previous ly had crsushes on them. FUCK BOYS WITH J names. i dont know why im writing as if im writing a story. maybe it makes it easier maybeim trying to articulate my thoughts into something there not. I think about things that have happened and hope i can maybe use them as a testimony maybe ill meet the love of my life adn get to share all these stories... but i dont things play out like that and thats a weird perspective to have on things thsat occur. Like as if im a narrator. I would get so ecited to send cute pictures of myself when i was baby and show my boyfriends, or share things with them but then i realized something. they dont care, well definlty not like me. That ecitement about it is not the same as the one im epereiecning and when i was sent baby pictures of them, i didnt feel that warmth in my heart. maybe that makes me a bitch or emotionally disconnected. but how do i know if im feelin. what connections have i made. I used to want to be under the influence and gina my therapist said that people go to substances to feel connection. When i was on coke, life was beautiful i could talk to anyoe and everyone adn words flowed so well. In my head, looking back i probably looked like a crack head and thats the reality of it. I can manipulate my reality but to what is its value if its a lie. if no one else feels or sees what im seeing. ona nother thought i think we can make up these sotries in our heads that arnt even true. like somone tells us something or we feel a certain way about ourself so and it ends upso our whole olives our affected by this painting in our head only to find out no one sees what were seeing. my dad said that we can change the past, welll we can change our past by changing how we look at it. and i think if we could grasp it it would change our lives. I think that i could look back and not feel that shame, or not feel that embarressment. But am i not a sum of all the words thoughts and actions ive done or had uot o this point? thats depressing, but if it were something i was proud of then yes i would like to be. but the truth is all wehave is the now and you can start now being a totally different person, but you cant run away from all the consequences of the past i guess they jsut dont matter if you decide to change. but then what about bridges burned. i guess my plan b ina sense is to run away to another country. but then theres legal issues and this whole system and ates and bad guys and tso m8uch to worry about that i dont feela sense of freedom. my information is online and under a sytem and i undertsadn why i just wish everything could be quiet for sa sec. mayeb i dont want to be aktie stowers anymore. I get jealos of girls born and raised pretyy. all ive done is starved myself in the process of becoming what i want to be but thats not even me. if i have to starve to et there then i feel as though i dont actuallyl deserve to be skinny. and i fee l so vain for obsessing over this fucking thought. iw anted to be skinny this is what ive said from the beginging can someoine please help me do it. the probelm is that im in treatment for anoreica sub purge type and the reality is that i cant lose weight withought going to etreme measures. it became the most important thing in my life and ive been strung up on the same thought since fucking march of 2018. talk about time wasted. although i know thats no way of looking at it. ive learned lessons and have ad so many beautiufl things happpen. I get told very kind things about myself. i wonder if im actually a kind person or i only do things simply to be a kind person. if eel kinda selfish but i guess we all are. i mean think about how amny bad things are happening in this world and children starving and here i am buying things i dont need anf focuing on myself. but im not doing anything about it. i mean i try to tip etra give to homless ifi can i just feel guilt because i could be doing more but ijalso know that im not responsibly to save the world. jsut seems wrong the way things are. thats why i believe everyone goes to heaven. maybe because i cant wrap my head around the possily fact that barrett wouldnt and also becasue the idea of eternal damnation dosnt seem like the character of a god i want to serve. i see so much bullshit in the church and i just dont know . am i jsut angry. I became so jdugemntal of those judging me and thats just as worse but when theres almost a cluba nd you dont fit into there critera it fucking hutts. and that dosnt feel liek jesus i think jesus wouldnt let us be seperated by rleigion or if you drank last weekend. I think we should all unite and love each other and thats what reallly matters. yet here i am obsessed over being skinny. im down to 4 hour as of yesterday and i feel so much better i do. i just wish i could have one long 2 day therapy session whre i fucking figure out all my shit. ive gone to so much therapy and its been etremly helpful i jsut dont wanna waste anymore time with this baggage. I dont wanna go a minute longer when i could giure all this out. i guess what im saying is i want my life tp be an open canvas and not be unravveling and my childhood issues poopping up.. i want to go into the fututre knowing what i know adn epeireicning my life as it plays out. but i am 18 ishouldnt be thinking this much into things huh i should just let it be and lvie my life. i should be doung homework an teting my frienfds or going on a date. but thats not ther eality of things and alos i think ill look abck and things will be different. IOm also int reatment rn so oviously my situation is not exactly normal. i really do love to write i used to always want to be an author. but i dont kno0w anymore. i jsut dont really like how the sytem works i hate how we all have to go to college amd study things i dont give a fuck about and then some struggle at there 9-5 to merely surve eand ig uess i dont like the thoughr of that. and i know were suppsoed to find joys in the little things i think things are jsut freaking me out. iw ant to quit smoking nicatine but everyday i go out and do it. ig uess that meanns i dont really want to stop because if i did i would. i and then i feel slightly guilty and opackiy because his is the only boduy im given. like does that not freak everyone out. this is the only way we are able to eperience life. think about how quickly it can be ended. i think that is too much pwier overmyself. nmot that im suicidal but i do think i hgave the power to find out super son what is after this life. judgment day, pure nothingness, maybe ill become a=one of the many ants i ahev enjoyed killed as a punsihemtn for msyelf. or hoe[fully and maybe ill entire a heaven with a lovuing god. a state of being with loved ones. I think thats why people like the idea of heavn the idea that you will see people later. but that discount the factof pain. when someones child dies they dont feel any less pain because a verse about being reunited with the,. because the truht im scared to tyee is that theres a possibility heaven isnt rela. and the loved one that is lost will never be in your reaach again.i feel sad for how ome peoples lifeves go. i hope they get a chance in the after life to have what they wanted. but then i think abotu abd guys. i wouldnt want them in my heaven. i guess maybe who we all our at our core is who would be in heaven beyond all the nasty. yet i dont believ flesh is nasty and i dont believ trying my whole life to not be something i was made to be. if my flesh is evil adn mankind is doomed what the fuck is that. i dont think god would set us upnto fail and i believ ehe understands we are human. and gpd is god and god knew everything that was going to happen up to npw. u know whats crazy is that on the time line we are on the edge of what is to come. being aluive rn. and its crazy that i wont be here in 100 years. ill be merely history. but rn we are whats happneing 7:12 november 11th. we are up to datebecause we are merely aliver. unless there is different universes and this is m,erely a simulation. but besides the point. barrett was talking about just how many books songs and information there is. that makes me pancik there is so many people so many things i could learn and musici could listen to that no one can listen to it all. maybe theresa song out there that is my favorite son that ill never get to lsiten to but i gues si jsut have to trust that the universe ligns up as it should and my life will happen as it should. and alll these things are happneing and were floating in the middle of space and yet i feel like people arnt freaking out. like what hthe actual fuck is happneing. and why do iu want to soedn my one life doing shit that dosn matter or something i dont even love. but thats how life works because you have to have moneya nd i do love bying things. and i jsut need to relax. because when people look back on there past they think if i could only tell msyelf its going to be okaya nd to have fun. why cant i do taht i mean i can but tehn these thughts come in. iwant to be skinny i also love food. starving was easy and i like d seeing my bones show,. i wanted people to see me and know i was hurting but people dont wanna be sround sa dpeople i guess i just wanted o be rescued. and at the same time it was nice to focus on the thingsd because even if all went ot hell if i restricted enought hat was okay my eating idsorder would tell me that everything was going to be okay because i was taking care of the one thing i actaully wanted. writing this makes me sound crazy to msyelf. i have so many things i want to larn and do and so having an eating disorder makes me feel limated. amd truly it does limit me. it dosnt allow me to worry and think about these tihngs. i just really want to be skinnya dn i dont know where this started or why its so impiortant but i just am not a fann of my boyd. and i know tis terirble because im more than m y body and i know i cant stave mtyself and i know that this makes me self cenetred i know that it didnt pkay out as the damsel in distress that i wanted i know wthat i pushed loved ones away and made desisions taht really arnt alligned with my values because truly i didnt care i just wanted to get skinny i know i didnt look healthy bu in my mind that s the best ive eever looked. i know that the husband i meet is going to lvoe me for whats beond my appreance so it dosnt matter and getting atention from others isnt satisying and only leaves me feeling empty i knwo lifes to short to count your calories, to walk around feeling fraila nd loung every seconds. to reach 109 and not see a body close to what was at 116. to talk about numbers because they w]makr improtant parts of my life adn to allso swear that i dont care that much about the numbers. i care about the look. but if what they say is true and i ahve body dismprhia thats impossible. they say the eating idpsrder says itll never be enough. it will nevr be satisiuded. “ its never enough katie” never enough

and so maybe its me maybe im just this warped person. why do memories come back so weird and hwy did i have su h weird thoughts a s f\child. why do i get filled with so much rage. somtiems i think im the most grogeous girl and others i want to killmsyelf because i fel worthless. imm not suicdial but i can remeberthe first time i thought about killing kmyself i was in the abck seat of the car my brothers wre all teasing me about soething but for whatecer reason i was upset by it. i remebr crying and thinking how bad thye would feel if i killed myself. i carried this idealation iwht me later on. gina says i used this as a coping skill.w whenevr someone was mean, didnt say the right thing, didnt invite me, or a aprent said something hurtful. o thouhgt about it as if i were a ghost. watching how sad they were that they had not done better with me. that they said those angry words last to me instead of teeling me uhow much they lvoed me. that when they gossiped ghey felt so bad after because i was dead. i sometimes wish i could watch this unfold. but thats demented and evil. my ghost smiling with satifdaction as she watches loved one who id love and people who were simply lvingnthere life be affected by this. what good would it do to me or them. it would ruin them, does thaa amke mf evil. and then i realzie thats not how death wokrs. ill go to wahtevr is after this.a dm why would i waste my eistence on a disguestingnromantizsm of revenge. shpuld move on better msyelf and make connections and share with my lovedones hwen theyve hurt me or that i need more love. i love treamnt. i love the lif3 im having. besids hating my body i love doing art and larning life skills and if eel like pooeple love me for me there and i can really be myself and support others. but i cant live my life in treatment. i want to relapse theres a few pros to this. one i get skinny againa dn can take pcitures while im skinnya dn try to do it a healthier way. 2 i can jsut go back to treatment and 3 thats a big fuck you to insuracne and theyll realize i coudlve used more help. my ancupucture lady said i need to let people help me adn its tru. i can read boooks hae copnversations go toa therapist but what goofd does it do if its not evn sticking with me. if i dont allow it to change me. im so stuck in that i want to be skinny. but im also tired of haojng my body, the thought about being okay iwht my body is sad to. ill jsut be ugly and not care? amd i wont be ablr to beas beautiful as i want to be. the law of attraction streases me out to because what if everytihng im writing is manif3sting as we speak. hut io cant just iugnore all thse thoughts. its good to journl ane write. i smoked the other night and told susan and brooke but lied to my treatment team. but honestly i was anxious the whole time and outside of playing with myself and dougna trippy spiritaul mediaiton itwasnt the best time. it ,made me realize i enjoy beig sober bcecause i can do lall the things i want to do and not be stupid and i can be mindful. but then i feel a little desperate at the idea of not having anys ubstances. i sjsut need to create a good ralit y formyself. also i just don tfeel like im the little blon girl in my baby photos like me and her arnt \even the same person but i am i am her in 18 year old form. i jsut dont even know who i am or whats happening. iw ant to chilla dn i need to find balance. maybe this is because my brain has more room oto think about thoings. it kinda hurts me that my mom dsont know that much about eating disorders but yet she says she knows how bad these thionhd can get. likes he can talk so much about me needing help and this and that and yet she hasnt veen taken the tiem to udnerstand what it is im goi g throug. but i shoudlnt epect her to i dont evn knkw what is happneing. cons of relasping is more time wwasting life farther form my hoal. what is my goal all i can think abou t is working on my body bye cercising and eating healthy after treatment. iu dont underdstand why people dopnt think this is a huge thing for me. it makes it so i cant wear what. im so tired of caring. i want to get out of my head. but reality is i am katie and i have to deal wiht whats going on it dosnt do any good whining about it. another con is that my family would be disapinted. im kinda scared i ahev cancer ir im going ot die and jus stop breatinh. its probaly jsut anxiety . nbut i think about the drugs ive done and all that ive smoked and when ive starved and i wonder if im jsut shutting gdown. but i guess were all shutting down. but you cant tell kids these tihngs they dont care and they wouldnt undertsnad. i guess im jsut freaking out at my very eistence. im also very thankful to ebe alive. the fact were all ehsiting rn is crazy i think everything happens for a reason and theres a beautiful lessona nd “work of art called love” desinged by the creator. i ksut dpnt think itds what people think its actaully is. julian is just dsigusing why was i ever ino him. but i cant stop 16 year old me by being into him. but he really wasa dick adn oi dont think hes aw the value in me. my idea of him thinking that was because hesa lot uglier than me or the line in fredys song where he says “ why would a girl like you fall for a guy like me” and he saud thatr eminded him of us i thought that was so sweet. MO that dosnt mean he values me. why was i so okay with accepting bullshit.a nd nathan. i really liked nathan we were bestfriends. but i got really cazy jealous. i was supposed to eat2 and ahalf hours ago and im not rally hungry. hence my hunger ques are off. i lost 4 lbs over the weekedn and im on weight restoration i was given till friday before i have tonadd even more additions because im not supposed to be lsoing weight. but i dint feel sad baout it. i felt eciteed i guess my bodys ina place where it can lsoe weight easily. i feel like i should take advantage of it. is this litterally the eating disorder tuyping as we speak am i poseed. it is katie stowers. i guess thats what an eating idorder does. i think i ought to steer clear of caffense and weed. make things a little less harde.r and truly i shuld try to quit nicatine. ots just so nice to do but i think i ought to just not do it. i think idts a porblem because i can already mpciture me going outside after break and smoking. “evntually ill quit shes aid” when i quoted julien baker in her song ahppy to be hee to esther it says “ i miss you the way that i miss nicatine” she waled away after. felt a little judged honeslt and i dont think it was cuz of me but i am better than to smoke nicatine. i think im gonna not do it tomorow. adn if i succeed well see about friday. but it is a hbit i shoudl break. but anyways theres a lot to worry about and be ecited about to and im having a hard time manging it all. and i opuld go on times ten of whats been happneing in my brain ina therap y session but it dosnt happne.

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havcns · 5 years

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𝚈𝙾𝚄 𝚂𝙾𝙼𝙴𝚃𝙸𝙼𝙴𝚂 𝚃𝙷𝙸𝙽𝙺 𝚈𝙾𝚄 𝚆𝙰𝙽𝚃 𝚃𝙾 𝙳𝙸𝚂𝙰𝙿𝙿𝙴𝙰𝚁, 𝙱𝚄𝚃 𝙰𝙻𝙻 𝚈𝙾𝚄 𝚁𝙴𝙰𝙻𝙻𝚈 𝚆𝙰𝙽𝚃 𝙸𝚂 𝚃𝙾 𝙱𝙴 𝙵𝙾𝚄𝙽𝙳.

runaway tw, homlessness tw, mentions of: child neglect, child abuse/violence.

SAN FRANCISCO

THE DAY WAS NOVEMBER 9 AND THE SUN WAS AT ITS HIGHEST POINT IN THE SKY. The buzz of the city around him was both overwhelming and enticing — it brought a sliver of hope to the situation he placed himself in. It had been hours since his arrival to the city and he began wandering around aimlessly, unsure of where to go or what he was supposed to do. Perhaps that would be a problem for the next day to come, but for now he sought the distraction that the city so easily offered. It was his first time there after all, there were plenty of places that he wanted to see before putting together his plan moving forward. The frigid air was rather surprising to the lad, this early on in the season especially; he would have dressed much more appropriately had he known it would be as cold as it was turning out to be. Even with the excitement that coursed through him at the offerings of the city, there were still doubts that made his chest ache to return home — would they even realize he had gone?

He came across a small motel just as the sun had disappeared from the sky, the cold air tempting him toward the warmth it would offer. However, he knew he had to save the money he had for more important things. So he kept moving, arms swinging at his sides to attempt to keep warm while the snow fell around him. The breeze made it difficult to do so, which he knew meant he’d have to find some place to nestle into that would protect him from it. It would be hours until then though, eventually passing through a very short alleyway with an old dumpster rolled up against a wall at it’s backside and a fence on it’s side. Luckily for him, it seemed to have been empty for the most part — so he crawled in behind it, cautiously and scanning the ground around him, before resting down in the tight space. It wasn’t an ideal place to spend the night, but it would simply have to do until he got on his feet.

PENELOPE OSBORNE

SLEEP NEVER CAME THAT NIGHT, INSTEAD DRAWING OUT THE MORNING OFNOVEMBER 10 EVEN LONGER. There were bags already shaping under his eyes and the strength drained from the rest of his body. The side of his head found comfort against the brick wall that he was curled up so closely beside. His body heat was barely enough to keep him warm but it did the trick, the unfortunate snowfall made his plans much more difficult to follow through. The city was beginning to wake despite the darkness that still fell over it, which only made it more difficult to fall asleep as time passed. The fear that he felt in laying there, tucked behind an old dumpster, brought him back to his past. Instead of his bag pulled tight to his chest, it was the still and sleeping body of his younger sister.

☁️ → They had taken refuge behind some old boxes stuffed into his bedroom closet, nothing but a small blanket draped over them. There was explicit shouting and booming laughter, shattering glass, the echo of music and the television, items clattering to the floor — a crowd of people flooding the small house. His parents didn’t even think to check on their well-being, far too intoxicated in just about every sense of the word to have that idea in their minds. With the errands placed under his responsibility, the boy learned to plan ahead. Baby food was stored in a small trunk on the shelf in his closet, diapers, wipes, sets of clothes — even at such a young age he understood what he had to do to survive, and that always meant putting PENELOPE first. That was what he was doing, right? TWO DAYS until his father’s release and as long as he was far away from her, she would be safe from HIM, right? ☁️

THE DAY HE LOST IT WAS THE DAY HE KNEW SHE WOULD BE OKAY. All that mattered was her future was set in place, and what was to come of him would be decided once the moment ended and the next began. That’s why he hid her behind those boxes in that closet, his blanket tucked around her trembling body — she was only eight at the time and he still sheltered her from their reality as much as a thirteen year old boy could manage. How he survived that night was no mystery, SHE kept him alive — SHE guided him from that moment and to the next. Which was why, as he lay there trembling from the cold and tucked behind an old dumpster, he knew he would get through it. Penelope would lead him on the path he needed to SURVIVE.

BRYCE ARCHER & ELODIE ABERNATHY

A YOUNG COUPLE SMILE TO EACH OTHER AFTER ADMIRING THE LIGHT SNOWFALL ON THE EVENING OF NOVEMBER 11. Her blonde hair flows over her shoulders and down her back, and it bounces every time she skips in her steps. The tall male at her side adjusts the toque on his head, then pulls the hood of his jacket over it — his bare hand immediately searching for hers clad in a mitten. The male nearly slips on a small patch of ice below a dripping tree branch, her arms wrapping his middle to keep him from tumbling to the ground. Then she swats his chest and they both laugh at the near fall, their eyes scanning their surroundings in hopes that no other person saw what had nearly unfolded. The eyes of the blonde, lock on the boy who sat with his back against a small ledge dividing the street and a park, and there’s a knowing shift in her previous content. The boy looks elsewhere — the echo of their feet on the paved path growing louder and rising heat to his cheeks. Had his clothes been clean, he knew they would have passed but hiding away behind a dumpster didn’t help his hygiene.

“ WHY DO YOU SIT OUT HERE IN THE COLD ? ” her smile was radiant and his stare was curious. She shifts the weight between her feet and digs through the bag draped at her side, a small bill extending his way. “ YOU ARE AWARE OF THE SNOW, RIGHT? ” The voice was deep, and his blue eyes turn up to the taller body, “ GO ON, TAKE MY GIRLFRIEND’S MONEY AND BUY YOURSELF A WARM DRINK. THERE’S THIS CAFE JUST AROUND THE CORNER WHICH THE BEST HO— ” her elbow jammed into his side, then her hand reaches down to lightly rest against the boy’s damp shoulder, “ OR USE IT TO GET HOME. ” Then, with a smile, she leads the two of them away.

His chest is filled with a warming comfort, eyes locked to the money she had placed in his hand. There are only two things on his mind; his kindness in conversation and her kindness of charity — just like BRYCE and ELODIE.

GRIFFIN PRESCOTT

THERE WAS AN OLD MAN FIXING HIS HAIR IN THE ALLEY IN THE EARLY HOURS OFNOVEMBER 12. Mateo sat staring down at an image of his friends just beside the space where his bag was tucked away, an old man sitting opposite of him and playing with the phone in his hands. The man was a cop and he was often on patrol in this neighborhood, coming across the boy for the first time since he arrived. When he was asking questions, his eyes were locked to the screen of his phone and messing around with something, but the boy knew by the way he’d tilt his head and move around pieces of his hair, that he was really just staring down at his own reflection. Mateo was nervous for the first little bit of their getting acquainted, in fear that he knew who he was and that there was a possibility someone had noticed his absence back in Halston. The questions settle his nerves when they make it clear that he was simply just trying to understand and help the boy.

“ WHERE’S YOUR FAMILY? ”

“ HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN OUT HERE? ”

“ ARE YOU SURE YOU DON’T WANT ME TO TAKE YOU TO A SHELTER? ”

“ I CAN BUY YOU SOME FOOD AND CLOTHES, IF YOU WANT? ”

“ DAMN, ARE YOU ALWAYS THIS QUIET? ”

“ WHAT THAT’S PICTURE YOU’RE LOOKING AT? ”

“ HOW OLD ARE YOU? ”

“ WHY ARE YOU OUT HERE? ”

The man searched for control of the situation, but he didn’t have the desire to pressure him. Yet somehow it seemed like he knew why he was there, and was just waiting for the correct answer. Almost like he could read and predict his entire life by one long look at the boy’s face. Then Mateo looked to him, eyes studying the other pair across from him and pushing everything else the man worked to show aside, he could see that the man had once felt exactly what he did. It was an immediate switch in his features that sent him to his feet, pacing away from the boy before pausing and glancing back — it was his most peculiar interaction since arriving. “Whatever your reason is, just remember take care of yourself, kid. This world you’re walking into is a tough one, ” then the man was gone without another word, leaving no room for any response or question from the boy. He was confused by how pressed he was for an answer but even more confused by his sudden exit — then it all pieced together in his mind, either for how it really was or simply by his own imagination. The man knew the exact answer because he had once been the young boy sitting on the other side of the alley, and he urged him on to test his strength — to uncover his courage. Did he really even have any of those things, if he was sitting there rather than back home?

He thought of Griffin when he thought of the man. In some strange, unspoken way they understood each other. Griffin dealt with things in his own life that were either not known at all by any, or at least known by very few. That’s the strength that he looked for while he was out there, the only difference in this situation was, whether or not that strength would push him onward or take him back home.

TEDDY MAGUIRE

TWO BOYS SPRINT DOWN THE EMPTY STREET WITH THEIR HANDS CLASPED TOGETHER ON THE NIGHT OF NOVEMBER 13. They were young and certainly had the world in their hands, and not just because they were laced so tightly with each other. One boy shifted his path toward the curb and immediately jumped right into a puddle, the other paused to watch, smiled, and then followed to do the exact same thing. They were in love but it was clear that the love was something far more than romance — they were best friends and what existed between them was LOYALTY and the early signs of a blossoming first love. Perhaps it was strange for his mind to immediately drift to TEDDY — they were never romantically linked to one another. What Mateo did understand though, was that Teddy really had been his first love, only that was manifested in a completely different sense of the term. Without him, his mind wouldn’t have been consumed by the memories and thoughts of his other friends, because without Teddy, love would be a word with no real meaning. They were the boys who needed nothing more than to feel loved, regardless of how much fear it could strike in their hearts. Which was why, as he stood there watching those boys run and disappear around a corner, his mind drifted to Teddy. If only he could have brought him along with him, things would have been much easier — they would have made it work. Mateo needed Teddy back home though, for Penelope — she saw him as just as much as a brother as she did Mateo, which was the final reassurance he truly needed before leaving.

ALEKI LANCE

ON NOVEMBER 14, A YOUNG BOY CLUNG TO HIS OLDER BROTHER WHILE THEY WAITED IN LINE AT THE SHELTER. They stood before him in line, an entire family of them (they were the only family there ) waiting to receive a meal. The younger boy hid his face in the coat of the older one, arms wrapped around his thigh. There was clear annoyance that presented itself on the older brother’s face, shaking his leg every once in a while with a desire for personal space. With some time passing, his hands reached out to the boy and lifted him up into his arms, his hand very delicately rubbing his back in an attempt to comfort his nerves. Just before they reached the front of the line, the younger brother settled completely and embraced his older brother, finding no difficulty scanning the faces around them now. His brothers comfort implemented trust and with that trust, he felt more at ease in their environment.

AJ was the first member of any foster family he had been apart of to show him patience and, without fully realizing it, teach him how to trust. Settling into a family was never something he felt was possible, but the Lance-Hill’s had a way of drawing him in and, AJ especially, helped him feel like he belonged as a brother — they were brothers. Now more than anything did he ache to return back to them — to look up at the red-head and beg for him to help him feel that trust again. All he ever really needed was for someone to look at him and tell him that everything was going to be okay — why did he have to make it so hard for them?

ANNABELLA WHITLOCK

THE SKY WAS A BRILLIANT RED AS THE SUN SET THE NIGHT OF NOVEMBER 15. The shelter he stayed at the night before assisted him in putting together a resume, though it took them a lot of convincing that he was actually eighteen years old. Soon he would be ready to move further, placing more distance between himself and where he presumed his father would stay. His journey outside was immediately hit with the beauty of the evening sky, longing for the camera that was broken in the drawer of his desk. His entire week had been spent in some form of meditative state, finding reason in each captivating moment to keep on with what he had to do. Only now, it seemed, what he had to do had changed from his original plan. To his right were a group of girls, all holding their phones to the sky and chatting among themselves. “ … WHAT SORCERY… ” his head snapped in their direction, eyes searching for the owner of the voice because he had heard those exact words before. This moment that he allowed himself to dawdle in, was the most gripping of them all — because the sky was so beautiful and yet, despite his every attempt to not give in to the one person he knew would change his mind — the one person whos beauty outshined that of any rising or setting sun — had crept back into his mind.ANNABELLA WHITLOCK.

☁️ → “ PENELOPE, just — i have s-s-some grapes for y-y-y— i’m sorry, we can’t— please s-s-stop crying — i j-j-just don’t have enough f-for ice cr-cream— ” his small hands run over his face, listening to his sister cry while she watched the other kids line up at the ice cream truck. Then, in a final attempt to get her to calm down, he reached into his school bag for his cookie and broke it into small pieces, handing it out to her. It took her a few moments to settle completely, but it did the trick — he just hoped the truck would leave before she finished. His eyes slowly scanned the park, observing the other kids at play with each other, he longed to join in but penelope was far too young for it. One particular interaction holds his attention, his curiosity rising when his eyes settle on a girl he hadn’t seen before. Distracting her hadn’t been his intention when she met his stare just as the boy she was with yanked on her ponytail. The way her eyes grew when she looked back to him and then took off brought out a quiet laugh from the boy, and he immediately jumped up to his feet whisking penelope along with him. He peeked his head around the tree she stood behind, a small smile curving his mouth. “ a-are you alright? M-m-my s-sister wanted to m-make sure, ” the look of surprise he received elicited another little laugh from the young boy, but it immediately faded as she ran off again. She remained on his mind and he longed to know her name, but why would she always smile at him and then immediately run away? ☁️

They were always so cautious around each other when they would meet again in the summers, and his heart would race with excitement every time he saw her. Knowing Annie had always been a bit confusing but finally understanding her was the most powerful feeling he ever experienced. Perhaps that had a lot to do with how understanding her succeeded in magnifying his love for her, and even there beneath that setting sky, it continued to grow. The thought of her broke him down completely because of the promise he gave to her only days before he left. And though he did leave without a word, the promise in his mind had never really been forgotten. Every single day since he left was spent thinking about those who have impacted his life the most, but as soon as he let himself think of annie? That was the end of it all.

The most important people in his life each guided him without even knowing. Perhaps that was the reason for the tears that streamed down his face while he stood there staring at the bus depot, coming full circle in under seven days. They were the people he couldn’t see, but the ones he could feel. His purpose, his energy, his heart, his courage, his loyalty, his trust, and his destiny; they were all embodied in the people he surrounded himself with. And yet despite it all, he stood miles away blinded by his own immature and self-guided stupidity. He was still a prisoner to the fear that drove him away, but facing it was much easier when he knew he wouldn’t have to do it all alone.

HALSTON

ON NOVEMBER 16, HE WAS ON THE 3:00PM BUS BACK TO HALSTON.

#neglect tw #runaway tw #child abuse/violence mentions #posting now cause i have to focus on my essay tomorrow and friday #will post a starter or starter call for him on friday morning #or something #we'll see #anyway it's long #sry

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pinktatertots99 · 7 years

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Ah do you have any aus for nanbaka yet? :D

AH YES!!! SO MANY!

okay i’ll start with the more show related ones and then the shipping ones(i have so many of those)

some of these i share with sinny aka @sugarpinkbloodtea so some of our ideas our mixed together a bit. but here’s ones I’ve mostly came up with.

there’s one au i have where hachiman bought nico for qi so he can use him as a test subject. qi doesn’t use him for that though, obviously, and kind of now looks after another kid put on him. i had like two endings for this one. either they rebel, go to the Chinese prison, get transferred to nanba, and get put into building 5 in the same cell they share. or their all put in protective custody and don’t get as much of a punishment for their crimes. so they basically live together with qi and liang working and upa and nico being homeschooled.

guard norkio au: basically, noriko’s a nanba guard at building 5. all the shit that happened to her in the manga didn’t exactly happen. some did but not her dying. she also has a crush on momoko in it because i say so and it’s cute.

human kaguya au: everythings the same except kaguya’s a human. she’s a college student and an ace lesbian(me and sinny fused our sexuality headcannons for her together).

tiny bot kaguya au: everythings the same except kaguya’s a small child robot that wears a candy cane dress and has pigtails.

multiple personality nico au: everythings the same except nico has a multiple personality disorder. his personalitys include his rabid self you see in the episode where he loses his meds(ni-co), a teenage girl(nichiko), a gambler/dealer(nicho), a pole dancer(nipo), and a shy introvert (nido).

ruka redemption au: after the events that happened, ruka deeply regrets what happened and feels like he wants a second chance but also feels like he shouldn’t have one. through stuff, kiji had him transported to building 3 to help him redeem himself.

and here are specifically shipping related ones. warning: their all qi x liang related.

mingyun zho jia/ family of fate au: this one is my FAVORITE! the summary is that Liang’s a dojo teacher and one day meets and falls in love with one of his student’s, upa’s guardian, qi. please please PLEASE ask me about this au because i will fucking RAMBLE about it for days so PLEASE ASK ME MORE OF IT!

prince au: Liang’s the prince of a kingdom and qi’s the palace’s physician. they both fall in love and sneakily get married via having qi dress up as a woman.

yokai au: inspired by a prompt. qi ends up coming to a small town and the townspeople are quiet around him. the only one who isn’t is a dojo student, liang. it turns out later that this town has a secret…it’s a town FILLED with yokai. and liang’s a kitsune in it. (they have a relationship and one night had a drunken sex and liang accidentally went into his female form for it and qi didn’t wear protection and the two became parents)

dragon maid au: basically a crossover with miss kobayashi’s dragon maid. qi is visited by a dragon, liang, who vows to work for him because he saved his life. other characters are in it too including upa(who’s basically kanna in this) and everyone else are either dragons or humans.

neko au: the two are those tiny chibi anthromorphic cats you see in some shows. (like “nyanko days”). anyways, the two end up finding eachother and later find a homless/orphan upa. who they decide to stay with and protect. sometime later upa gets adopted off the street by samon and he gets to keep liang as an indoor cat, while qi is an outdoor cat.

and here are some i share with sinny! also, go ask sinny about some of her au’s too their awesome(and hurt my heart) but are also cute!

orenchi no furo jijou au: liang’s a mermaid and qi found and saved him. now he lives in his bathtub. also upa is qi’s brother in this(no there is no in///cest in this unlike the origional source material) in this, rock’s an octopus merman (takasu), houzuki is a jellyfish merman(mikuni), jyugo’s a sea snail merman(maki) and nico’s a sea urchin merman. it’s not from the series i added him in. he temporarily lives with upa.

the fam au: this was the pilot version of mingyun zho jia. liang’s a dojo teacher in a small village and meets and falls for the town pharmacist qi. he later finds qi looks after a boy, upa. also in this au rock and uno are a couple and they adopted jyugo and nico when they were young and moved to the town. (oh also sinny’s oc’s are in this au too.)

tot upa: qi ends up finding and taking in a small tot, upa, and struggles trying to work things out being a new parent now. one day he gets followed home by liang, who ended up sensing upa’s strong chii and wants to help him with upa. so romance happens with those two.

aaaaand that’s all i have/remember. thank you SO MUCH for asking me this i really REALLY LOVE talking about them!

#nanbaka #the pink one speaks

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musicalevangeline-blog · 6 years

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Blog Post #8

29My responses to the appendix interview and my mom’s answers

• If you think of a few recent purchases what were the main factors that influenced your purchase? Usually my purchases are out of necessity or spontaneity. It’s either something I need, or something I want in the spur of the moment. Usually price.

• What was your last music-related purchase? I bought a concert ticket to see one of my favorite singers with my best friend. I bought a Pink Floyd T-shirt that I found in the boys section at JCPenney’s and it was five dollars

• What were the main reasons/motivations behind the purchase? It’s a person I really love and admire and I haven’t been to an actual concert in years, so like why not? It was five dollars and it had Pink Floyd on it

• What kind of music do you like? I like a lot of music, I can even stand country music sometimes. Mostly, I like slow sad sounding music, or music that makes me feel something. Music I like.... I like pretty much everything except hard core rap and country music. Specifically I like rock n roll and hip hop dance music

• How do you consume music—i.e., how do you buy it/ when do you watch/listen to it/where do you watch/ listen to it? I usually listen to spotify whenever i’m using my laptop, or if im listening on my phone I listen to the music ive purchased through google play. In the car I listen to CDs or the radio. I mostly listen to it on the radio at home in the car or on my iPhone via Pandora or iTunes

• What are your opinions on the current music industry as a whole? I feel like there are a lot of people who don’t get the recognition they deserve, and some people who get recognition they don’t deserve. This can really be said for just about any industry though. What does that mean? (evie gives brief explaination) Well, I don’t know any of them personally...

• How much of an influence would your favorite musicians have on you as a person? I think a lot of my favorite artists have shaped who I am, and I draw a lot from the music I listen to in terms of i dont know, personality and the way I deal with things. None. Although when Chester benigton killed himself that really pissed me off because his music had a lot of influence on overcoming obstacles and then he offs himself. That was lame. But really they can take a stand for whatever and unless they are complete bigot assholes I’ll still listen to their music.

• How about on your purchases? I want to support these people, so yeah I’m going to buy their stuff if I can afford it, especially up and coming artists that I really want to see succeed. Also, maybe they influence my purchases on things like clothes and stuff. No.

• Do you consider social responsibility and/or ethical considerations when making purchases of products/ services in the area of music? There are some artists that while I enjoy their music, I don’t agree with actions they take or how they feel about certain topics. I’m less likely to purchase anything related to an artist who’s actions I don’t agree with, and here I think I’m mostly talking about people like Chris Brown who literally is an abuser and takes what he wants whenever he wants it and is literally just an awful person. No.

• Can you think of ways that musicians/bands currently engage in socially responsible behavior? There’s a lot going on in the world, and a lot of issues that need representation and awareness in order to get anything done, and music and artists are a great way to send these messages. Even just being openly supportive of a cause, or donating money to a cause can really bring awareness. When they preach about politics during their concerts instead of singing or when they bring kids up on stage that really enjoy their music during concerts and cater to their fans that’s a good one.

• Do any recent examples of socially responsible behavior within the music industry come to mind? Taylor Swift and her suing the guy who sexually assaulted her for a dollar, not to get any money but to call to action this kind of thing that happens all the time and shouldn’t be normalized. She also donated a large sum to sexual assault survivors and historically has donated a lot to disaster relief funds and fans who need help financially. In 2015 she donated $50,000 to a fan who was diagnosed with Leukemia. It’s because of Swift that GoFundMe had to raise the amount a person is allowed to donate at a time. Hearing about some musicians donating lots of money to a specific causes. My favorite is Jon Bon Jovi and how he has a restaurant that caters to the hungry and the homeless.

• Have you considered aspects of socially responsible behavior when you have attended live music events? Historically, not really. However the only concert i’ve been to in the last five years was to see the Wallflowers. In the past I’ve seen some bands live that now I don’t think I’d really want to see again. Not always, but at least sometimes you can tell a lot about an artist or band by their fans, and some of the music I used to listen to in lets say middle school, definitely have views a lot different from what I know now. No.

• Have you engaged in socially responsible behavior at live music events? No. Yes. (evie: care to elaborate?) Sitting down so people can see behind me saying please when walking through the crowd. Saying excuse me.

• How would you define a socially responsible musician? I think I remember reading an article about an artist who stopped a show after seeing a fan in the audience having a panic attack, and made sure to get this fan help before continuing (after some research, this artist was Harry Styles) and there have been other instances like this (Drake stops concert to call out groping, Linkin Park also stops show to help a fan, etc.). I think this is what it means to be socially responsible. There’s a lot that’s going on in a crowd at a show, and for an artist to call out a bad situation really shows that. A musician that shows social responsibility to me it is defined as a musician that preaches love and community and is involved and good fundraising for programs that help society, like Bon Jovi. I think he is a prime example of what a musician that shows social responsibility.

• Do you think it is important for them to act in a socially responsible way? Yes. It shows that a person cares about their fans, and not just the money they make off of them, and in this age if you’re neutral in situations of injustice, you’re on the side of the oppressor. Yes.

• Would you be more likely to buy an album/attend a concert of an artist that you perceive to be engaged in socially responsible behavior? Yes. Yes.

• Have you attended a live event due to the socially responsible aspect of the event? No. Yes but only because I was working (she’s a stage-hand).

• How would you compare the role that social responsibility plays in everyday consumption decisions to music consumption decisions? People look for brands that are socially responsible in a lot of their purchases. Whether a brand tests on animals, or companies that are tied to a charity. I know I tend to shop at target, one because I love target, and two because I know they have a partnership with St. Jude Children’s Hospital and having that knowledge makes me feel even better when shopping there. There are also stores and other places I refuse to shop at, such as Goodwill because of their inaction to help people, despite their claims otherwise. (Goodwill had a thing going where when purchasing goods you could round up to the nearest dollar, and the extra few cents would be donated to veterans. No money was ever donated and goodwill managers are frequently seen refusing to provide clothing to homeless people (including veterans) despite claiming they would clothe any homless person who came to the store.) For younger people I say that is a big factor but for my age not so much. (evie: I told her what I put for my answer) Yes, those are good examples. I definitely agree with that.

2.) Anyone can say anything to get attention, but it’s action and reaction that determine real intentions. Like I said earlier in my interview answers, Goodwill for example claims to be a place of donation, yet the Goodwill CEO makes $729,000 annually and their employees don’t make a living wage. An they aren’t the only company that makes promises like this and don’t follow through. I think it’s important for artists, while preaching a certain message, uphold the ideals that they are setting. And there are a lot of artists that do a lot of good. Thom Yorke for example, and Bon Jovi like my mom mentioned. Thom Yorke engages in eco-friendly events and lives eco-friendly so you know he’s not just doing these things for publicity. Unlike Thom Yorke and many others, there are many people who will preach the importance of donating to charity but run these multi-million dollar empires without contributing a dime to anything worthwhile that has the potential to change the world. This doesn’t just apply to musicians either, there are a lot of rich people in the spot light that don’t do anything or don’t do enough. The article states: “Music is a powerful vehicle through which tastes and values are understood, and social groups and subcultures are formed.” While I completely agree with. A lot of the music I listen to reflects what I believe and who I am, and where my values align. I find that people who share my same music interests tend to have a lot of the same views as I do, not always but a significant amount of time. A lot of music I listened to when I was younger, I didn’t really understand, and I see that some of the people that listen to that kind of music now are people I tend to not want to associate with, as I don’t want to associate with that music anymore either.

I think the video by Lin Manuel Miranda where he wrote a song and had a bunch of other Latin American artists come together to raise money was a great example of an artist being authentic in promoting something. This project was close to him, as someone who’s parents immigrated from Puerto Rico, and this wasn’t the only action he took in support of the relief fund for Puerto Rico. He promoted this charity on talk shows, visited Puerto Rico, brought Hamilton to Puerto Rico and provided a way to allow impoverished people to see his show, and has donated around 2.5 million towards this cause and other causes through his words and his work. Not only this, but he continues to raise money for other causes, such as March for our Lives (Starting with his collaborative song with Ben Platt). Since LMM’s rise to fame, he has never stopped giving back to the community and working for equality across every issue.

I currently don’t have an example of the opposite, where an artist doesn’t meet up to their claims, but will try to think of one before class.

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