#why am i rambling!!!! he has ruined me. if im wrong dont even tell me bc i prefer this version in my head anyway

[kerorowhump]

#keroro #i love this. she is me. i can live my unbridled amounts of cute aggression towards him THRU HER #i literally need to do this irl #like i just skimmed ep 64 bc i was curious about this trauma switch thing and ive never wanted to grab him and whack him around more #in an affectionate way not because im mad at him oh no. i understand him so deeply. i feel him. i know his most inner psyche. #and he inspires unrecorded levels of senseless violence in me #me in my little ignoramus bubble writing a 4 pages dissertation on his character anyway bc like. i get him ok #his deep seated sense of guilt that he's constantly fighting against. that he needs to repress and deny in order to function. #his fear of abandonment. fear of never being enough. not being able to make up for it. for himself. thats why hes self sacrificing #his selfish childishness that comes from not having been allowed a lot in his youth. taking friends for granted in his past but knowing - #you dont fit in with them. constantly apologizing for yourself. taking space. too much. self indulgence. because friends is s scary concept #and yet one you couldnt survive without. letting them walk all over you. denying your anger. your fears. crawling back to them with a smile #at their feet and biting time because what you really want is friends. company. but you think you don't deserve it. deep down. #maybe u dont. your worst reminder the friend you love. and if they ditch you it's deserved. you don't need them (you do) #why am i rambling!!!! he has ruined me. if im wrong dont even tell me bc i prefer this version in my head anyway #*charlie voice* look at me. psychological trauma up to here #im not saying growing up poor with a father that shames you for your interests and ''disciplines'' you made him selfish but. no yes! #i am saying that. bc i know how it is. growing up with friends that have a lot that u can never afford. u feel guilty just being with them #ok we strayed a lot from the og post which is just me saying I WANNA PUNCH THIS GUY SO BAD (he is me) #keroro gunso

[swiss-cheeze]

Please || Matthew Gray Gubler

Requested, YES/NO: Can I please request a female reader where she is chubby and by about her appearance and she and Matthew are in a relationship but she is scared he is going to leave her for someone more pretty. So he gets into an argument about why she is acting weird and she confesses and basically it ends with him showing her how beautiful she is and smut and after care?

Gender: she/her, female.

Warnings: body worship, talk of food and weight gaining due to food (unhealthy mindset from the reader i guess?), reader calls themself a ‘troll’, self-abuse/hurtful words to oneself, sex.

-------

“You ready pumpkin?” Matthew asked as he walked into the shared bedroom; only to see you in your underwear squishing your stomach with a sad frown, “oh baby” Matthew pouted as he came up behind you, his arms wrapped around your stomach and pulled you into his back, “just not a good day?” you shrugged, it was hard to speak without crying, “we don't have to go out,” his voice was small as he peppered kisses down your neck while thumbing at your stomach. Your breath shuddered as you walked to your closet and picked out your comfort outfit and sniffled, “sweetie i promise we don't have to go” Matthew stood still in the middle of the room while you stood in front of the closet trying your hardest not to break down, “you can stay here, i'll go alone bubby”

“I'll be okay,” your voice was scratchy and barely a whisper but Matthew somehow heard it.

“I don't want you to go somewhere where you’re not comfortable,” Matthew retorted, god you loved this man.

“Please,” it was a whimper.

Please just drop it.

Please just let me do this.

Please hold me.

Please tell me if I'm enough.

Please don't touch me.

Please help me.

The thing that brought you back to earth was the kiss Matthew gave to the crown of your head before exiting the room; leaving you with the click of the door and the screams of your inner demons and voices. You shook your head to try and rid yourself of the voices before grabbing your comfort outfit and getting dressed; it was a red carpet event after all, you couldn't be late, or look bad.

-----

“Oh my god it's Jennifer Aniston!” Matthew whispered with a grin as said model and actor stepped out of her car and started making her way onto the carpet. Matthew hugged your sides - your chubby sides - and squeezed you into him as cameras flashed.

“Matthew over here!”

“Gubler this way!”

“Oi, look at me! Perfect!”

God it was so loud even in this open venue. You tried to keep your smile light and happy but anyone who was anyone could see exactly what was going on in your head; you were only brought back to earth for the second time today by the pull of Matthew. You're leaving! Finally! After a-

“Hello! I am here with Matthew Gray Gubler and girlfriend (Y/n) (L/n)!” a voice called.

Fuck.

Interview.

Smile and wave boys, just smile and wave.

“How are you enjoying the place so far Matthew?” the interviewer asked as you finally got a good look at her; long blonde hair, perfectly chiseled face, tight waist, small stomach, skin tight dress, long legs, perfect pedicure and manicure…

“(Y/n)?” Matthew jolted you slightly as you stared at the interviewer.

“Yes?” you questioned.

“How do you feel tonight? You've got many models and actors around you, is it a bit overwhelming being with an actor?” god even her voice was sexy.

“Um, no, no it's good!” you gave a fake small and jolted yourself to a fake happy, “it's great being around those i admire and watch in shows and movies; Chris Evans, Simon Pegg; i think even Ben Hardy and a few others i admire are here too” you gave a grin and looked around while talking to give the impression you were looking for the people you were talking about.

“Well that sounds good!” The interviewer gave a forced laugh, almost like she was bored, “are you wearing anything special or is this just the sunday look?” her giggle was what caught you on the insult.

“Excuse me?” Matthews hand on your waist tightened as you spoke.

“Darling-”

“Your outfit is a bit old…” the interviewer paused, “a bit outdated?” this made you go quiet; now your comfort outfit is ruined.

“Excuse us,” Matthew mumbled as he guided you away from the interviewer and into a quiet corner.

“What-”

“Did you want to go home?” Matthew cut you off, he was stern and to the point.

“What? No of course not-”

“Your comfort outfit has just been insulted, I know how much you love this outfit and I know how amazing it makes you look every single time you wear it,” Matthew waited a moment as he looked at you with all the love in the world.

“But what about-”

“It's just a party” Matthew reminded you, he always had a habit of making bad situations into good ones.

“No, no I promise I'm okay baby,” you gave the most convincing smile you could, Matthew was hesitant but eventually gave in as you continued the red carpet and did another 3 interviews...all while being surrounded by lovely size 6 women who have flat stomachs, nice legs and nice breasts. While you were on the heavier side of the spectrum you couldn't help but thank yourself for your breasts; they were not huge but they weren't small like some actresses were because their body was small in comparison. And Matthew adored your breasts; always held them and stuffed his face in them to make you laugh, always leaving marks and bruises in the perfect places that only you know about...so you just kept that same mentality through the rest of the night.

He loves me.

That's all I need.

He loves all of me.

He could go for better.

But he chose me.

God he could totally go for better.

Look there’s Aniston and her perfect body-

No stop!

God and now A.J., and Paget; even Kirsten looks better in any outfit than i do.

No matter how much you tried you just couldn't stop thinking how much better Matthew would be with someone smaller than you; someone who could give him lap dances and not have rolls, someone he could throw over his shoulder easy, someone he could pick up from behind, someone who could sit on his face and not crush him...this is gonna be a long night.

------

When you got home that night all you wanted to do was law down in bed and weep, but of course you had a boyfriend whom you lived with.

“Did you like the movie (Y/n)?” Matthew asked as he hung his coat, a big dopey grin plastered on his face. You shrugged.

“Was a movie,” was your only response before walking into the bedroom and striping to your underwear.

“Okay…” Matthew mumbled, he knew something was up but he didn't want to push it, “want to order in or something then?” he called through the house, “maccas? Thai? Ooo I could go for some good sushi or honey soy chicken; oh my god AND NOODLES!” he sounded too excited for what seemed to be a weight gaining meal. Matthew bounded into the bedroom with a grin before stopping short.

There you were.

Head in your hands.

Shoulders shaking.

Silently sobbing.

“Baby?”

“Please leave me alone,”

“Please tell me what's wrong...you’ve never been like this; you've always loved yourself,”

You sniffled before going silent for a moment.

“I've always been like this; i'm just good at hiding it from everyone,”

And it suddenly made sense.

When you get a smaller plate than you normally would in restaurants, a salad instead of a cupcake, a healthy shake rather than milkshake, exercising more, covering yourself with layers when you go out together.

“Oh sweetheart,”

Matthew sat down next to you, he was about to reach a hand out to touch you but cowered back when he realised you most likely wouldn't like it.

“You know you're...you’re a lot like Spencer Reid even if he's only fictional,” this seemed to make you smile as you thought of the times you got to spend on set with your second family, “you give great advice, you’re smart in places others aren't, you ramble...but then again you're so different: you’re warm, inviting, open hearted, head full, eccentric, extravagant-”

“Well i wouldn't say extravagant-”

“Well I do,” you finally looked at Matthew; his face faltered when he saw how tear stained and red splotched you where. But god you were still the most beautiful thing he had ever seen.

“I know i'm probably a troll by now-”

“No, no no baby; never,” Matthew raised his hands and cupped your jaw to keep you looking at him, “you’re always the most beautiful thing i ever had the pleasure of meeting,” you wanted to smile, and you did, but that was only your face.

“Yeah? Then what about the rest of me-”

“Dont” Matthew was quick to cut you off, “you are beautiful, all of you is beautiful,”

“But I've got, I've got rolls! A-and marks! Hair! I-i smell, I'm flabby, I jiggle…”

“I have rolls too and you love them,” your eyes darted to Spencers stomach where you knew his soft rolls where, “i have marks,” your eyes traveled to his hips were you knew some stretch marks looked like bolts of lightning from Zeus and Thor themselves, “i have hair,” you probably shouldn't have but you looked to his pant-covered crotch where you knew there was a recently trimmed patch of dark hair, “i smell,” you giggled at this as you both did kind of smell due to the day out in the hot movie theater, “im flabby and i jiggle,” he wasn't wrong, his arms sometimes jiggled when you moved them the same as his tummy whenever he danced weirdly.

“But youre skinny-”

“No buts,”

“I eat too much”

“So do I”

“You don't gain weight from it”

“Because i couldn't swallow for 26 days and have a fast metabolism”

“You have cheekbones”

“So do you”

“You cant see mine”

“I was a model; I had to bite the inside of my cheeks”

“Chiseled jaw,”

“Jaw exercises because i was a model; plus eating you o-”

“OKAY SHUSH,” you waved Matthew off with a laugh before standing up quickly.

“Can we please just go to bed? I just want this day to end,” you asked as your hands unconsciously covered your naked stomach; Matthew only now realised you had stripped from your dress before he came into the room. The look in his eyes when he scanned you from top to bottom included a range of emotions, from love and lust, to anger; anger being that you couldn't see what he sees and saw every day of his life.

“Can you at least let me show you how amazing your body is? And how much I adore you, your body and your mind?” a red flush went over your whole body as you realised what he was asking. Of course he asked. Consent is sexy.

That’s when it all fell into place; as soon as you nodded Matthew was all over you.

The plush bed moved under you as Matthew guided you down to the pillows and left feather-like kisses along your neck while muttering praises under his breath.

“Beautiful”

“Goddess”

“Princess”

“Elegant”

“One of a kind”

“Plush”

“Perfect”

“Impenetrable”

“Lovely”

“Divine”

“Angelic”

“Captivating”

“Foxy”

Each kiss left a word, each word left a purple bruise, each bruise lit a fire inside you you never knew you had. Nibbles trailed from your neck to your panty line before dispersing around your stomach in red and splotchy hickies and bites. Matthews hands went under you to unclasp your bra before leaving it somewhere on the bed or the floor; you couldn't really care less. His rough hands were the first to touch you and play with your nipples before his tongue, mouth and teeth followed; nipping and biting your nipples, pulling them slightly, twisting and licking. It felt like a dream.

“Sh-shit Matthew,” you let out a breathy whine while your body twitched under Matthews hands and mouth, one hand went down to your waist to hold you still while the other stayed playing with the plush flesh.

“Always loved these,” Matthew mumbled into your breast, he took a moment to plunge his face in your cleavage causing you to laugh, “just gimme a sec lovely,” Matthews voice came out muffled as he sat still; your arms coming up to play with his hair. His hands gripped both of your breasts softly before pushing them into the sides of his face, again, causing you to laugh.

“Is this your way of showing me how much you love me?” you questioned, Matthew stayed silent before a nod came from him, again, causing you to laugh harder before the man brought his face back to the real world with a harsh intake of breath.

“Couldn't breath,” Matthew said breathlessly, obviously. You both laughed for a moment before Matthew dove in for a kiss; heated, breathless, full of love and admiration for you. It honestly caught you off guard and made you forget what all of this was really for; until Matthews hands started pawing at your stomach.

“Gube-”

“Please”

And suddenly you were brought back to this morning; except this was different.

Please let me.

Please let me love you.

Please let me show you how amazing you are.

Please let me show you how beautiful you are.

Please let me show you how perfect you are.

Please allow me to be with you.

Please let me hold you.

Please.

And that was all it took.

“Okay,” you smiled a teary smile, as Matthew kissed your cheek and then trailed down to your stomach, peppering kisses, nibbles and licks all over your tummy.

“I love your stomach,” Matthew mumbled, “it holds your intestines together, it holds your food in, it keeps you together,” his nibbles soon went lower; leaving marks on the apex of your thighs as well as your inner thighs.

“Babe please…” your fingers threaded through Matthews hair as you tried to guide him to the place you really wanted but he stayed at your thighs.

“Darling just let me love you,” Matthew requested.

“Love me between my legs Gube” you whined while tugging at the mop on Matthews head until finally, finally! Matthew started to pull down your underwear before spreading your legs and...staring, “Gube…” you started to feel uncomfortable and closed your legs.

“Sunshine im sorry,” Matthew finally looked to you rather than your sex, “you’re just beautiful everywhere,”

“I know, i just haven't shaved and-”

“No, stop,” Matthew kissed your panty line, “this is about loving all of you; when have I ever cared if you’ve shaved or not?” the man gave you an unanswerable question, “answer me baby,”

“Never…”

“Never. Exactly,” he smiled before crawling back up to you and kissing your nose for a moment before going back down and licking a stripe up your slit causing you to moan from the suddenness, “god and you taste perfect,”

“Please don't say I taste like strawberry or something,” you giggled, Matthew laughed softly before shaking his head with his tongue on your clit; giving you pleasure while saying ‘no’. You tugged on his hair some more while the pleasure lasted. Matthew swiftly tore off his pants, boxers and shirt before lifting your legs and positioning himself at your entrance.

“You ready sweetheart?” Matthew mumbled, his hair was tousled with sex hair, his eyes bore into you with love, he was breathing heavily, a slight sheen of sweat was on his forehead he was like-

“A god,” you mumbled, hands finding Matthews cheeks and holding him softly.

“What…?”

“You’re like an actual god,” you spoke again, your voice was quiet as your eyes started to tear up.

“Oh darling,” Matthew mumbled, his hands coming up to wipe the tears away, “then you’re my goddess,” you nodded before bringing Matthew down for a kiss the same time he entered you; a low moan rumbling from the both of you as Matthew stilled, “you feel so good around me darling; wet and tight,” that's when he started thrusting; it felt like nothing you’d dot together before.

“H-holy shit,” your moans mixed together as Matthew held you tightly, his head buried itself in your neck and started sucking on the skin he could make contact with as his thrusts sped up; your legs encased Matthew as he hit that perfect spot in you.

“God you’re so beautiful,” Matthew mumbled softly through laboured breaths, “you’re so amazing; always there for me, helping me with everything, being perfect,”

“I love you so much,” you whimpered, Matthews hand snaked down between your thighs and started rubbing your clit expertly like he always did causing your moans to become louder as well as your approaching orgasm.

“I love you so much too doll,” Matthew whispered, “you gonna come sweetheart?”, you nodded while a large moan escaped you, “you’re beautiful in every way,” you nodded as your hips met Matthews; eyes scrunched and brows knitted you placed your forehead on Matthews as his hands encased your hips and sped up yet again. You’re sure bruises would be forming on your hips later tonight but that just made everything better; it just made you want to love yourself even more with every bruise, bump, lump, mark, scratch and roll. The image of Matthew kissing every inch of your body was what set you off. A silent moan left you as your mouth formed an ‘o’ and your tongue went dry due to the intakes of breath, you keened as Matthew thrusted for a first, second, third time and came with you. The warmth spread through you as Matthew held you close; encasing you with his arms as your legs wrapped around him.

It took a moment for the two of you to come back down to earth, but when you did it felt like everything was new. Matthew flopped beside you breathing heavily as a smile grew on both of your faces, a few moments passed before the lanky man himself stood up and walked to the bathroom before coming back with a washcloth and cleaning you up.

“Thank you,” you mumbled as Matthew finally cozzied back up to you under the covers, bringing you into his chest and kissing the top of your head.

“Anything for you,”

“Yeah? Anything?”

“Yeah,” Matthew looked at you with a smile, “anything,” and it was a promise.

#criminal minds #spencer reid #derek morgan #david rossi #emily prentiss #jj #aaron hotchner #Penelope garcia #Spencer reid x reader #Spencer reid x female!reader #Spencer reid x AFAB reader #Reid x reader #matthew gray gubler fic #matthew gray gubler x reader #matthew gray gubler #mgg #mgg x reader

[botheredbuck]

hi i love your writing, could you talk about trans!callum pls that bc owns my entire heart.

y'all really know how to make me ramble huh

(of course!! honestly trans cal owns my heart too. and thank you im so glad you like my writing!!)

okay so i can't remember if ive talked about this before but i actually have this hc that callum went into the army in the closet. like when he enlisted he signed up as a 'woman' even though he knew he wasnt (he didn't like,,, know he was trans yet i think because he didn't have the terminology for it growing up around his family but he knew he wasnt 'like other girls' so to speak) because at that point enlisting was just about getting away from his dad, and running away from the problems he had at home. and then he meets chris in the army and like, chris figures him out pretty quickly and like asks callum about it except he freaks out. but like him and chris get talking and they get really close, and chris starts to kinda talk to cal about queer stuff and like casually slips in about trans people and instantly callum is just like - that's right. that's - that's what i think i might be. and so like they go from there and callum is just 'h' to chris (because he hasn't picked out a name he liked yet) and when it's just them callum's 'he' and all that. and like that's why chris only calls callum 'h' in his letters to his sister because he doesn't want to disrespect callum by saying his deadname but he doesnt have another name so he's just 'h'

and then when callum leaves the army it's his fresh start. its his new life and he's headed to walford and he's callum

oh and mick first finding out though!! so obviously when they first meet it's kinda under,,, unfortunate circumstances so callum is very much just halfway but they kinda get to know each other again and mick's noticed he's been acting weird and stuff so he sits him down and kinda asks callum how he's been, how life's been and stuff as a kind of casual way of asking about things. and then he refers to callum with his deadname and callum just says actually, that's not me any more. and like its an accident when he first says it and he freaks out because the carters and the vic is about the only safe place he has left and he thinks he's ruined it and he tries to leave but mick just makes him sit down, makes him a hot chocolate and asks him to explain because i ain't no whipper snapper any more, kid, i got an old brain, you gotta spell things out for me and like callum very almost doesn't, like tries to shrug it off but mick just lays a hand on his arm and smiles and it feels like home and if callum cant be himself here then where can he?

so he tells mick about all these feelings he's got, about this bloke he met in the army who told him all these things that he thinks might explain a lot and mick's just quiet and let's callum ramble and when he's done he just stands up and pulls callum into a hug and just says in his ear you know I'll always love you, son and callum cries, and mick freaks out because he thinks he's done something wrong and callum's just like happy tears, happy tears

wow uh im a little emotional after that one oops

ooh and also another thing like,,, ben finding out!! idk if ive talked about this before but like bear with me okay. so in my head with trans cal their first kind of,,, being together so to speak goes a little differently so ben doesn't actually know that callum's trans until like after they get together

and callum's completely freaked out about being intimate. because we all know ben's got a bit of a reputation right, when it comes to partners and stuff. and callum's freaking out because he has no idea whether ben's ever been with a trans guy before and like, not even just intimately like just in general, because it sucks but there's a lot that comes with being trans and being trans in a romantic relationship.

so cal doesn't actually tell him for like a while until they start talking about being intimate and they're kissing and callum just like blurts it out and then freaks out and just runs away.

and like he ends up hiding at the park bench for ages bc he just can't face ben because hes convinced himself that the second ben found out he was always gonna run. and like callum's got all these feelings for him already that he doesn't wanna say but he just can't bear to lose him yet so he's just sat on their bench freaking out until ben comes and finds him and just sits next to him and they're both just quiet for a bit until ben says i thought id find you here. think we kinda claimed this bench, didn't we? and callum just like smiles a little and then ben says you know it doesn't bother me, right? i like you because you're kind, and because you're handsome, and because somehow you have the willpower to put up with my bullshit and callum just looks at him and asks how can it not bother you? you're gay and ben says yeah i am. and youre a man. and im a man. think that's pretty gay, dont you? and callum just laughs because he can't help it and then he apologises for running off and they talk and ben just holds him and aw its cute!!

but yeah ill leave it there but thank u so much for the ask!!

ask me about my hcs!!

#answered asks #ballum #leo writes hcs

[imsorry4whatwebecame]

whenever you see this, idk why im like this but i overthink a lot and ik we’re just friends but still i overthink and i overreact, and since ur going to be away for this week imma do both a lot and imma try to leave you alone but im gunna constantly think about what she’s doing, and shit. my mind is constantly thinking she’s doing shit behind ur back to hurt u on purpose (ik ur not, but thats just how my mind works) n there’s some like ill vibes between us and i want to b on good terms again, lately you been awaking up at 5pm and i haven’t had the time with u cus you wake up and you disappear for an hour, i miss when we were clingy, ig this is change cus we’re not what we used to be, n since you’re gunna b in a different state this week im going to b worrying n worrying and idk why i would b i shouldnt cus ur arent mine and im not yours, but ill try not too ill try not let my mind cloud my judgment and bother u with texts over texts ruining ur time, but ik u wont see this soon, id just like texts now n then this week lol idk why well ik why cus when ur out ur out n since ur going to be out this whole week i prolly wont get a text at all, and i understand snapping pictures is hard but idk, u always like why u wait for me, why you can let me be, im addicted to you i wish i wasnt but i am and ik i shouldn’t, its never been this hard to get over someone, i kinda struck gold when i u came back into my life, idk why idk how, ik this year has been rough for you but n ik i dont help but im here for the whole ride, i texted u, to text me when u get there n i didnt want to cus i know u we’re driving but i had to say it. there was so many other posts to like but you like that one n idk if u liked it cus u want me to do that to u or u wanna do that to me. ///i know this prolly a cheap move telling u this over tumblr but i dont wanna tell u this over text n ruin ur week with bad vibes. so im doing it over this cus ull see it whenever/// my friend keeps going why i still fuck with her, he keeps going block her but i can never block you, n ik the day will come when u find someone else n ill have no control over that ill just have to let it be, n i dont want this to make u feel bad cus you did what you had to do to be what you wanna be, i respect ur choice, n i might be sick in the head for writing all this but i had to let you know how i felt through a rant at the moment i was feeling them, it stupid of me but i feel like everyone is out to get me, n ik maybe its wrong for me to b in the know but like i feel like we’re not opened enough like i wanna tell u everything but whats stopping me is i want u to be present when i tell u it but i honestly just might be annoying n not waiting for u to b there n just start spilling everything as i possibly could. i wanna tell u how my whole week went, i wanna tell u it over facetime cus itd be easier, i wanna facetime u cus i never see u anymore, i bought all this crystal i wanna show u irl, n ik u said “itll be awkward if you make it awkward” n imma try my best to not make it awkward, i had a dream last night where we were in this schoollike place and you said do you wanna get lunch together as n id love too, but i know im saying all this and youve got you going on and im srry if i bother you with that it prolly makes me look like tje bad guy cus im not respecting, (even tho i am in a way) like i know u dont wanna go out n it have that date vibe n you dont feel well enough to go out , i hope this doesn’t come out like im blaming or anything cus im not im honestly just rambling now cus ive had all these emotions built up this morning since i woke up at 9 and i hate this new sleeping schedule im on cus i go to bed hella early n i wake up early n i wait n ur prolly like this is self sabotage or like ur not good for me, i feel like u hate ik u prolly dont, n u say ill finds someone better but better isnt want i want i want u cus noones like u n ik i shouldn’t say that cus i dont want u to feel bad for not being with me, ill get over this but dont think that from what all i said that its better for

[reconnecting]

been thinking about being disconnected lately.

its mostly a rambling vent, i kind of lost what i was saying for a bit.

years ago, we did this almost same thing. we tried, for years, to reconnect with our Breton people, because the body is part that.

its a dying culture? okay, well lets see what i can find. mostly christianized things, but some other stuff, so lets focus on that. its all in french or breton, okay, let me try to learn some of that so i can read. how do the dances work, what are the instruments, who did we worship before, wheres our music, whats our culture, who am i who am i who am i?? can i learn? can i join? how does it work tell me tell me tell me who i am even though you cant.

the information is almost all gone. the older generations are pretty much the only ones to know about it, and i cant talk to them because they speak breton and nobody speaks breton. okay where can i find out more, how do i find out more? traditional clothes? music? the music is almost only in france because celtic festivals dont include breton normally.

and now?

i work up the courage to work past an abusive grandfather and find out about the other side. puerto rico, okay. things dont fit let me keep looking this doesnt match what we know. taino, okay. that matches things better, but... orphaned family means we were cut off. who knows things? nobody. ill keep asking, new questions, different questions. check a dna test, find relatives on that side, ask them. what do they know? finally find someone who does, has family the same age, same generation as the one we got cut off at, and they look so similar in photos.

okay lets go off this what do you know what can you tell me im sorry to ask im so sorry i have nothing to give you but can you help??

they will, they do. they tell me our tribe doesnt exist anymore, that so few do. that they still practice. they have the clothes, the names, the dances, the music. they have the traditions still and no tribe name because there werent enough to be a tribe a few generations back. i ask if they ever knew the name, they say theyll ask, i hope for the best. their family has dementia in it too. what else can even be done about that? nothing. im sorry for asking, thank you for answering. i have so many more questions.

the elders i speak to have no answers. i ask them the questions and they respond until i say what i know, and they have no answers either. how can they? i hope they still help, i hope theyll teach me, but they cant have all the answers either. i know this. hopefully they have some. hopefully its not too much, too much asking.

i look on my own. i ask others. they offer to help, to find my familys tribe if they can, but if theyre gone... what then? the family says theyre gone. been nameless for too long, will there be anything else to find? i cant ask the person who offered to help, the language barrier confuses both of us, and this issue is too complicated for me to explain to him. i look up information. the things weve been saying for years, the same things, theyre things my ancestors did, things connected to my culture.

i wonder how it is that i got these things, if its coincidence, if a coincidence like that is even possible with how many similarities there are.

i feel like im eating my own tail.

i ask my friends what to do, they have no answers except to learn, hope that itll work out. they tell me it should, its not that uncommon a situation. it should be fine, keep up hope, im not alone, we arent alone, were family, theyll teach us what they know. theyre right but it doesnt stop the knowledge that their nations aren’t mine. ill learn. ill learn whatever im taught but its not Mine to learn, to pass on.

i ask my friends about my grandfather, the other one, if its polite to try and learn about his culture as well if i dont claim it. they say yes, yes, i Should know, I should learn Something about it. i ask, his grandmother was cherokee, they dont know the tribe, the family is all dead already. i dont ask why. the dementia hits hard, he doesnt remember, there are happier things to remember, dont trigger an episode.

connected on so many sides to different cultures, what should be recently. just a few generations away. i met my great great grandmother, i could have met the others, they could have been alive, they could have taught me. it wasnt that long ago and i didnt meet them, i didnt know. nobody knew. nobody connected though.

why did nobody connect? i cant understand that but i have to. i understand one grandfather, he is racist, is abusive. its a tactic. i understand that, even if i hate him. i understand another grandfather, the generational gap, the timing, the ages of them all. i understand that it was probably for safety. i understand my grandmother. it wasnt her interest to ask, past what she grew up with. nobody asked past what they grew up with.

i cant understand why they didnt ask. why do i have to be the one to ask, to do this legwork? it would have been easier for my mother, for my grandparents, to do this. it would have been easier. more recent, more connected, more resources. and they didnt. should i be upset? am i allowed to be?

my friends say i am. ‘youve just found out your family is almost all gone, youre allowed to be upset.’ “its a hard thing to know your culture and not be able to grasp it. its okay.”

my mother doesnt. when i bring it up she looks disappointed. i get it. the family that she connects to it is abusive, ruined her life. i understand. but this isnt them, theres more beyond it. she looks with those eyes. “why would you want to know? you grew up without it, isnt this enough? arent we enough?”

i have no response. how can i explain the feeling of someone standing behind me, shoving, pushing, saying i have to? how can i explain the feeling like if i dont, something will go horribly wrong, that i need to connect now or itll be gone forever? how do i explain that im the last chance we have to connect, to learn? im the last generation that could do this? how do i explain that to people who dont care, who gave that chance up?

my sister doesnt understand. i ask if she wants to learn, wants to try, and she sounds interested until i explain it will take work. shes interested in the claim, but when i say that shed have to study, have to catch up with the knowledge of the people who lived their lives in it, she drops it, stops asking questions. what do i do with that? she should be interested, shouldnt she? why would you not want to know, or only want to know up until i say it takes work? ive put in over a full days worth of work this week alone, just on this topic, on finding out the little that i know now, and could never regret it, but i say it takes works and she leaves the room with a polite dismissal.

i want to connect. i want to know, what are the cultures that should be in my family like? how do i find them? how do i learn, what do i do, who will teach me, will anyone? why is nobody interested in connecting except for me?

why is it only something they care about when its convenient?

#vent #rant

[comicsnas]

showtime

WARNING: eye gore!!, violence Disclaimer: this is..... an au where guy fieri isnt a cool and chill dude that just likes food. i am very sorry for what i do to him in this. i dont mean it and if the cops knock at my door i will blame it on hussie word count: about 3.7k. i am so sorry

context john gets kidnapped by his mom dave doesnt panic

Los Angeles, CA, Wednesday

“No matter what happens, nobody cancels the premiere,” you say. “Okay? No matter what’s in the news. No matter how bad it gets. The movie drops on Thursday, and people are gonna watch it. Got it? This is a scare tactic and we’re not falling for it. Even if the world is ending, we are premiering this movie and going through with the promo. With or without me.”

Catalena, your manager, has been with you for too long to think that you’re joking. She was who flew you in from Houston to LA back when you were twenty, who let you sleep on your couch until you made enough money to get an apartment, who thought that the message you had for the world was one worthy of her help. She knows that all of this is real, and that she can’t stop you.

Her face says, Dave, you’re scaring me. Her mouth says, “You got it. Could you at least tell me… what you think is going to be in the news that would make us not premiere it?”

“Something bad,” you say. “Hopefully, anyway.”

She tilts her head. “Are you faking your death?”

“Lalonde and I are gonna disappear for a sec,” you say. “How people interpret that is gonna be up to them.”

“Not like you to leave things up to chance,” Catalena says. “Some will think it’s elaborate PR.”

“That’s why I’m only telling you. Lalonde and I are gonna frame this to look serious, and no one else is gonna know what’s going on. You keep your cool, but don’t let anyone know that you’re in on it.”

“I mean, I barely am.” She gives you a Look, a capital L Look, then sighs and nods. “Fine. So if I hear about your presumed death tomorrow, I won’t freak out. At what point am I allowed to assume you are actually dead, and freak out a little bit?”

“If you don’t hear from me in a week,” you say, “then Lalonde and I have been killed by Betty Crocker.”

Houston, TX, twelve years ago

You’re blind.

That’s not true. You’re not blind. You don’t think you are going to be blind. There is no way that you’re fully blind, because the assassin only got your right eye, so it doesn’t make sense for you to be blind, but you’re blind.

The pain might originate from your right eye, but it’s engulfing your entire head by now, and there is something sticky in your left eye and you can’t open it anymore and it burns, and you’re going to go blind, and then you’re going to die in a ditch, in a pool of your own blood, and this is it. It’s over. You and your half sister fucked around on the internet a bunch, got really deep into some conspiracy theories, and barely two weeks after you made the discovery that Betty Crocker definitely, undoubtedly, literally is an actual alien, someone was sent to kill you.

They didn’t manage, so far. They got your eye, and they broke your glasses, leaving a cut on your nose, and a bunch of cuts everywhere else, and you think you cracked your head open when you fell. But you cut their knife hand off, good and clean off, watched it fall to the ground right in front of you. By the time it hit the pavement, the assassin had already turned around and ran away, leaving you to crumple and suffer here by yourself.

This is it.

“Strider?” Rose says. Before the blood trickling into your good eye ruined your vision, you managed to dial her number and call her up, and now you’re lying on your side with your phone pressed to your ear, imagining her in her college dorm room in New York. You were going to visit her there, years ago, after you ran away from your parents. It never worked out. Neither of you has the money. You really wish you could have seen her at least once.

“Yeah,” you croak. “You at home?”

“At the dorm, yes. What’s going on?”

“You gotta go. She sent someone after me, she’s gonna come for you too. If she knows that I know, she’ll know that you know.”

One of the most comfortable parts of friendship with Rose, you’ve found, is that she never asks you to clarify what the fuck you’re talking about. Either she just lets you ramble, or she knows exactly what you mean. “Shit,” she hisses, and you can hear rustling on her side of the line, hopefully from her getting ready. She probably has a getaway bag somewhere, you think. You have one, but not on you right now. It’s too late for that.

“They’ve already hit me, so whoever she sent to you can’t be far,” you say. You try to blink your eye open, but then it hurts the other more, and it burns. You can’t even tell where exactly. It just burns. “Hurry up, Lalonde.”

“They’ve hit you?” she echoes, still rustling, breathing into the phone. On the move. Good. “Are you okay?”

“No,” you say. “Gonna call an ambulance after this. Just get the fuck out and text me later, yeah?”

Rose pauses. You can hear her pause, you can hear everything go very silent for a second. She says, “You called me before you called for help?”

“Yeah,” you say. She told you, once, that there is a quick and easy way out the window of her second-storey dorm room, that lets her balance over to her girlfriend’s room only a few windows ahead. She can’t hide there, it’s too close, but it’s a start. She’ll figure it out, she always will. She was the first person to ever have your back. “Of course I did.”

On a plane, Thursday morning

“What’s on your mind?” Rose asks.

You’re leaned back, staring out the window, listening to the clicking of her knitting needles next to you. The pilot here doesn’t know who he’s dealing with, just that he is flying two rich people and their car to Washington, DC. Your Mustang is in the cargo part of the plane, a vital part of the plan. You’ll torch it later. It was the first car you bought with your own money, after SBaHJ had become big and you had finally paid off your hospital debt.

Rose’s apartment isn’t that old, she got it after Roxy was born and she decided to move to Los Angeles, so you could help each other babysit. Trashing it still felt wrong. A home is a home, but you wanted it to look broken into, to make sure that people put two and two together. This isn’t a Dave Strider marketing scheme, you both got hit. After all the work that you’ve done, at least some of the public should understand what that means.

“Us,” you say.

“That’s very sentimental,” she says. “Are you sure you aren’t mourning your car again?”

“Shut up,” you say, and blindly swat at her, hitting her elbow. She hits you back, hand slapping your shoulder. “It’s a good car.”

Rose hums. When you look at her, she’s already back to knitting. You have no idea what she’s making, but it looks like a onesie for an octopus. “We will be fine,” she says. “We have to.”

You nod, and go back to staring out the window, thinking about what Alma said. “It’s just,” you say quietly. “We gotta start thinking about the endgame, here, don’t we.”

“Start?” Rose echoes. “Dave, we know the endgame to this. We’ve known for a while. The second you landed in the hospital with a cut inside your eyeball, you and I both knew that this would end in death.”

You don’t say anything. She’s right, of course she is. You knew then, and she knew, as soon as you texted her from your hospital bed, and she texted you back from a Greyhound bus. And you tried to forget, you both did, for a very long time. You almost managed, for a whole decade, until last year, someone made you scared and angry enough to ram a sword through his throat. Until Rose came and disassembled the body on your rooftop, and then helped you burn it. Reality has caught up with you, and someone is going to die.

The clicking of her needles has stopped again. You turn your head to look at her, and she’s looking back at you, and her face seems younger than it should be. She is just as scared as you are. Neither of you ever wanted it to go this far. Neither of you wanted to kill.

“I don’t like it either,” Rose says. “But someone is going to wind up dead, and it sure as shit isn’t gonna be us.”

Washington, DC, now

)(IC: u comin or what TG: yeah about that

You’re on the hood of your car. The children -- and Sally, John’s pet hedgehog -- are with the one sitter you still trust. Rose is in position, which means she is at a remote location outside the city holding Guy Fieri hostage. She has sent you a picture of him tied to a chair and gagged, which means that it’s go time.

All according to plan.

TG: how about you come kill me somewhere else instead of home sweet home )(IC: why would i do that TG: dying mans last request? )(IC: stfu lol this is so obviously a trap TG: wow ok so is yours )(IC: fair TG: just thought that you know TG: john means something to both of us and dont try to tell me no because i know he does TG: so like can we maybe duke it out somewhere where i wont accidentally blow him to smithereens TG: innuendo intended )(IC: UG)( )(IC: gross TG: lmao TG: anyway bethany you know me and you know im comin with c4 in my backpack if im comin TG: do you really want that around your son or can you just get off your ass and meet me here so john stays safe )(IC: u reely think ya have a fighting chance to even get that far )(IC: buoy you set one foot in my house and ya get spearfished TG: yeah not really making a great point for me to come there rn TG: just thought maybe youd wanna be with your guy guy )(IC: who TG: you know TG: guy the guy )(IC: tf

You text her the picture that Rose sent, just Guy Fieri looking miserable, no indication of whether or not you or Rose are with him.

)(IC: )(-EY )(IC: motherglubber what do u think yoar doin TG: yoar??? TG: thats literally not a word. wym you oar?? what TG: anyway im gonna dismember this asshole if you dont agree to keep john safe and come here and im gonna start with the frosted tips )(IC: FIN--E )(IC: cant effin wait to be done with you )(IC: ill come krill ya if its so shrimportant just gimme the location TG: ok shrimportant is actually pretty funny TG: [coordinates] TG: see you soon

She drives a fuchsia Jaguar that looks like Xzibit threw up all over it, because of course she does. You watch it leave from your perch on your Mustang, then slide off the hood. shes gone, you text Rose. get ready to bounce

Before you leave, you turn back toward you car, and gently pat the roof. “See you soon,” you repeat, “for one last ride.”

Look, it’s a good car, alright.

Later on in the plan, once you’ve convinced John to come with you, and Rose has joined you in the no doubt brutal course out of the house littered with security guards, the three of you will pack into this car, and you will drive. You will be tailed, you know you will. Rose and you estimate two to three SUVs with more security personnel that will follow you, and sooner or later, you won’t stand a chance against them.

So, you’ll call the cops. You don’t usually do this -- even during all these years, neither you nor Crocker ever called the police on each other, and technically, you still won’t, today. You will just anonymously call authorities, and tell them about a burning car by the side of the road. Then you will hang up, and you and Rose and John will hop out of a moving vehicle as you crash your beloved Mustang and have it go up in flames. Authorities will come and find Dave Strider’s infamous car, and hopefully that’ll get people talking.

Crocker’s guys will hopefully exit their cars and go looking for you, or at least for John. It’s an easy con from there -- while they look, you will steal their SUVs and drive off toward your safehouses. Simple. No sweat.

“This better work,” you mutter to yourself, then leave your car behind and start climbing the fence around Crocker manor.

You’ve been here once before, while she was out and John was showing you around. You weren’t actively trying to case the place back then, just spending time with your boyfriend and checking out where he grew up, but you couldn’t help how curious you were. You still remember the most important spots, and you did your best to paint a proper picture of them to Rose (you drew a map in MS Paint), so now you have a pretty good idea of where you need to go.

The guard posts, of course, are randomized. You’ll have to take these as they come, and you feel prepared enough, with just your sword and a handful of knives. You’re wearing the kevlar you wore to the Oscars. You’re gonna be fine.

It’s a race against time now, knowing that there is no guarantee when Crocker will be catching on and returning to her house, and knowing that you stand no chance actually fighting her face to face. You climbed in toward the side of the house, because it’s the shortest distance between fence and wall. The front and back yards are ridiculously huge and opulent, and while you would have plenty of gaudy statues to hide behind, you’re not looking to make your way through there.

The first guard spots you right as you hop down off the fence, and your knife is in his shoulder before he even finishes drawing his gun on you. He’s also wearing a vest, but those don’t stop blades, and you take offense in knowing that she made them dress up like that. As if either you or Rose were going to show up with guns. She really doesn’t know you at all. You knock out the guard with a hit of the knife grip against his temple. Maybe you can get through this without deaths.

One of them you comfortably take out from behind a useless fountain placed in this part of the garden for some reason, appreciating how quiet and low-key you can be about it so far. The bigger the ruckus, the sooner she’ll return, so having them all go down in silence is your best case scenario.

It’s the third guard that ruins your track record. You’re almost at the house wall, and you know you’re under the right window, which means all you have to do is scale it and climb right into John’s room, but for that to work you need to have a clean path behind you. Which you don’t, you realize the second a bullet hits your back.

Your vest catches it, but the momentum still knocks you down, and you scrape both of your palms open on the weird break between lawn and pavement. You hate this fucking garden. Who lives like this? You’re gasping for breath and trying not to inhale any grass, dealing with the reality that this is the first time someone has shot at you and actually hit you, and the bullet might not have penetrated skin at all, but Jesus Fucking Christ it still feels awful. Like someone kicked you in the spine, only with a bullet instead of a foot.

Onward. You hear footsteps behind you, and now it’s your turn to kick, hitting them in the face with your boot in the same motion that you’re pushing yourself up from the ground. As they curse and stumble, you draw your sword, but they catch their footing quickly, and you know you only have a split second to act. That gun is pointing at you, again, or still, and they’re going for your head this time, and if you don’t fight now, the journey ends for you here. Someone is going to die, and it sure as shit can’t be you. Your arm darts forward.

The sword goes through their vest, their ribs, and their heart -- you wouldn’t call it smoothly, you really wouldn’t. You can feel resistance with every inch, you feel it right up to your shoulder, and you hate it, and it makes you want to throw up, but you can’t, now. You shove them off your blade and watch them crumple to the ground, and turn right back toward the wall. They are not getting up again. That’s on you, and you can deal with that later. You have to get moving.

Your phone vibrates.

You manage to pull yourself up on a balcony and crouch there, hiding from whatever is going on in the yard now. Other guards must have heard the shot being fired, so you really need to get the fuck out of sight, but this has to do, for now. If Crocker is messaging you, you have to respond, so she doesn’t think you’re in her goddamn garden.

)(IC: yo )(IC: send me proof yoar still with him )(IC: almost there this betta be worth it TG: one sec

As expected. All according to plan, so far. You hope the blood on your sword won’t make the sheath sticky. You’ll have to clean it, later. You don’t want to.

TG: shes asking for proof TG: go ahead. sorry TT: No worries. TT: I know we don’t endorse violence, but honestly, Dawon, after being in a room with him for this long, I am quite happy to do this.

She sends you a picture, and you grimace at your phone. It takes a lot to make you grimace, as a Strider born and raised -- at the same time, you’re not easily shocked or grossed out, but this isn’t great to look at. Fieri’s eye has been pulled from its socket, dangling down his cheek suspended from the nerve, a hole in the eyeball. You hope Crocker won’t be able to tell that this was done with a knitting needle, and forward the photo to her.

TG: hows this )(IC: )(--EY FUCK OFF )(IC: stop i reely like guy 38( TG: yeah well i really like john TG: eye for an eye TG: hurry it up im waiting and theres a second eye to gauge out )(IC: ten minutes )(IC: ur gonna be so sorry buoy

TG: 10 mins TT: On my way.

Okay. Crocker is on her way to a location where there will only be Guy Fieri and a set of elaborate boobytraps which you know won’t kill her, but hopefully slow her down. Rose is on her way here, to help you and John get out of here. That’s plenty of time you still have. Things are going suspiciously well, you think, before you remember the ache in your back and the fact that you killed someone.

You have to get to John.

He’s another two floors up, but you are right in front of a balcony door. For a second, you wonder if you could get into the house from here and do the rest from inside, so you don’t present yourself to the mob of people with guns in the garden. Unfortunately, before you can do that, another person with a gun appears on the other side of that door, mouths an angry what the fuck at you, and draws an assault rifle. Alright, well.

The thing that has mostly kept you from becoming too violent in the past is the fact that you’re fast, and you’re a great climber, so when you hop backward onto the banister of the balcony and pull yourself up to the next one above you, it happens so fast that nobody in the garden reacts. It’s after you’re already crouching behind the balcony, thankfully made of robust concrete, that the shots start hitting it. You do nothing, count the bullets, wait for them to get rid of half of their magazines down there. Then you pull a knife, peek over the balcony, and throw it right into someone’s bicep.

More shots. More ducking and counting. You have two more knives to throw, and you do, rinse and repeat. The people down there are very angry with you now, and very much still able to shoot, but you figure at least their aim will be off, and they’ll be slower. You hope. You haven’t held a gun yourself in fucking forever.

You take a breath, and jump up to grab the balcony you know belongs to John.

As soon as you’re in the open, another bullet hits your back, further toward your side this time, and you almost let go. You let out an undignified noise instead, and hold on harder, focusing all you have into your arms to pull yourself up. Shots are ringing in your ears, and one hits the concrete right next to your head at almost the same time that another one grazes your leg. You hiss in pain, grunt in exertion, pull, pull, and roll yourself onto John’s balcony.

Someone in the garden yells, “Motherfucker!”

You sit, curled up, and pull apart the tear in your pants with your aching fingers to check the wound. It’s not deep, certainly not as bad as the chunk of missing flesh you have in your arm from being shot at last year. It’s fine. You’ll forget about it in a second, when your newest problem will be telling your amnesiac boyfriend that he needs to come with you.

You pull yourself up into a crouch, not more. You don’t want to risk getting shot in the head as you finally face him, so you just do it like this. Hunkered down, disheveled and bloody, you lean forward and knock on John’s window.

#posted ooc #action post #woof #eye gore text - #graphic violence - #eye trauma - #the rest of this will happen in discord :') #mentioned: #fontjoke #comedianrhapsody #mindparkour #jakepalooka sort of

[one-abuse-survivor]

Tired is when you're sick of life, or feel weighed down by the stuff around you. Sleepy is when you want to go to bed. That's how me and my friend do it, anyhow. At this point, I'm fucking exhausted to the point where I feel too tired to let it out but im gonna anyways. There's bits in here that I can't tell my friend, or anyone, so i'm hoping bc this is anonymous i can let it out. Right, intro done lol. Onto the story. Last night, i have no idea what time, maybe five or six, (all i know is this

thing ended at 7pm), my mom storms out of the room and comes back holding a bottle of water and her bag. She proceeds to tell my dad she found the bottle at the bottom of my bed, (basically im not supposed to have anything at the bottom of my bead bc asian tradition believes that youre on top of it and thats dirty or whatever). Then she pulls out my school photo, puts it on the table and tells my dad to look at it. Starts ranting about how I never listen, i look horrible, worst photo i've ever taken. 

Basically, I go to a private school, and they think I should look good, and then they spent some time lecturing me about how i was supposed to look right when i was in the school, I look like a boy, i act like a boy, my hair's a mop, I look like a hooligan. Start talking about when i dress to go to school, how my shoes aren't polished and one of them has laces that show the white inner. How my hair's messy at the back, if i saw someone in jeans and someone in a suit in the street, who would i think was respectful? They told me they shouldn't have let me into the school, they loved me too much, that's why, they should have let me go to this public school that has a reputation for being a mess, that i belong there, waste of money, they regret letting me go here, thought i was a respectable girl. 

Dad asked me again, who wouldd i think was respectful, the jeans or the suit, and I told him I don't know. We'll get to that later, but at that moment he sneered and snorted and looked at my mom. 'says she doesnt know' he jeers. I'd meant it as in 'i have no idea, please help me'. He took it as 'she doesn't know, and doesn't give a fuck'. I don't know how to look proper. they never taught me. they tell me that something looks good so i wear it. mom still buys my clothes for me. I have no fucking clue what looks proper and what doesn't. 

Anyways, somehow they moved onto uni, and my current work, and how I pull all-nighters and how dad thought i was smart but nopw he has no hope, how he sees me get up in the morning and know i'm going to fail the assessment, how i get distracted, how i take too long to shower, how i never learn, how i never help them around the house, they do everything for me and if he was in my shoes then he would work until 'smoke came out' (vietnamese saying), how he would be so grateful but i'm not and they're going to leave me (which is a normal threat for them lol) and how they're going to die (another normal threat, dad has a lifelong illness and mom has been struggling with leukaemia for years) and they're not going to pay for uni if i get a stupid degree, only if i get a good degree like they want which will actually help me (law), if i want to become an engineer (something im considering) then i can pay for it myself, then again it's not like i'm even going to get into uni, when they look at me, they have to think of the girl i was when i was five because if they think about me now they feel sad, they won't look at me because I make them sad, they had so much hope for me, now down the drain, no, down to the sewers, look at my cousins going out, one of them had piercings and infections and almost got tattoos and is a nurse in a prison with a husband who stressed her out so much she passed out at work, do i want that, that's what i will get if i dont work, basd job, assisstants have to buy pads for their bosses, horrible child, this will end one of two ways, one i listen to them and come back years later to thank them or i'll look up at the stars and wish that i'd listened to them and they regret having me and caring for me, if only they'd been better parents, they'd been too lenient, but i don't care do i because if i cared it'd show in my working to please them and i haven't done that so that means i don;t care about them.

Dad told me it was too late to change, then switches to tell me it's not too late, they ramble on about my internet use, (i have to ask them for internet) and i'm not acutlalyu doping work on it, i'm just fucking around, they kjnow, they know, i can lie all i want nbut it's true. Horrible child, they'll die, they'll die, That's the end of the conversation, we're not going to talk about it anymore. No, stop talking. I'm going to tell you this until i die. I'm going to keep saying it, beccause it's better that i say it and you not listen than i dont say it and regret not saying it. (okay, i can;t currently remember anything else of what they said lol.). By the way, you wanna know abt

[asks didn’t arrive and I asked for the last bit again]

ok lets hope to god this sends then. i think i know where i was up to - 'do you want to know about what was wrong with the photo' i think was meant to be that. anyways, yeah. guess what was wrong with it. i had a fucking splinge. like my hair was parted and a bit of the part was split. that's all i can see that's wrong with it. maybe my hair looked oily? idk but that's all i noticed. also said something after that about do u remember when dad asked me abt who did i think looked better the suit.

also can i add something i just remembered which is that one of them put folders on my shelf and mom told me she knew i put them there to hide what i was looking at on my laptop from her when i??? didnt??? put them??? there??? in the first place???? (the layout of my room allows the folders to block the view of someone from the door basically) i put new folders there after i think my dad put them there but i didnt originally put them there??? sorry it was a full ask rant and i have no idea what the freak i typed and what i didnt lol. but u get the gist i think. big fat lecture.

i am tired. my eyes were puffy and there was like this pool of snot floating on top of this pool of tears if you did get the ask sorry u had to read that twice. :(. i mean even tho u didnt see it i was able to let it all out. not sure if it made me feel better about anything but being able to do it at all is rlly nice. Thank you for that.

-----

No wonder you’re tired, nonnie... I’m really glad you could get all of this off your chest, and really sorry that you have to hear those awful things about yourself coming from your parents.

I’m a white European, so I don’t share many of your experiences and I don’t know how it is to live in a Vietnamese family, but I hope it’s okay to compare it a little bit with my experiences in my (very Christian) family--if not, you can absolutely skip the next paragraph! 

I have had a bunch of conversations with my therapist about traditions, religion, and misogyny, because since I cut my mother off, my grandfather has lectured me many times about how I am a bad daughter for looking out for myself and putting my life first instead of being devoted to my mother’s wants and needs. He told me that she’s sick and I’m horrible for not caring about that and abandoning her, and that if she doesn’t love me, I just have to work harder until I "crack her walls”. (As if I haven’t tried already, and as if she didn’t use her very mental illness as an excuse to abuse me). My therapist basically told me that sometimes, being the Disney villain in some people’s stories means you’re doing something right, because their vision of what’s right and what’s wrong (especially when it comes to daughters and women in general) is designed to hurt you, to make you put your family before yourself. That it’s never wrong to put yourself and your needs first, and that kids don’t owe their parents anything just because the parents brought them into this world--that was the parents’ choice, not the kid’s, and therefore it’s the parents’ responsibility to care for their kid, whoever that kid turns out to be; and not the kid’s responsibility to be the model child that the parents had in mind or to care for them.

Your parents belittling you for things you have little to no control over and accusing you of being responsible for their future deaths, for not knowing things that haven’t been explained to you, for not living up to their expectations without even giving you a chance to try, and for not “working for them as hard as they would in your place”, are all red flags of emotional abuse. Accusing you of things you don’t do and constantly drilling into your mind that they “know” you’re a horrible person who doesn’t want to learn or change is a red flag too, and probably an excuse to take the guilt off their shoulders for not taking the time to guide you in life and to explain anything to you before accusing you of not knowing it already. “It’s too late” puts the blame on you, but what it actually means is probably something along the lines of “It’s easier to scream at you than to put realistic expectations on you and then help you achieve them while respecting your boundaries and allowing you to make mistakes, but I don’t want to feel guilty about it, so let’s pretend you’re a lost cause, yeah?”

I used to go to a private school too, and my mother repeatedly told me that was the reason she struggled economically and that I had ruined her life. It wasn’t until I talked about it in therapy that I realised that I never had a choice in what school I went to. Same as I never had a choice in anything my mother decided for me. So how could I be to blame for the consequences of those decisions? And how can you? If they buy you certain clothes, then they have no right to criticise how you look in them. If they chose to put you in a private school, then the money spent is on them, not you. You shouldn’t have to “prove” you’re worth their decisions for you or their basic care for you--they chose to give you that unconditionally the moment they decided to have you in the first place, and if they refuse to give it or threaten to take it away, it’s becuase they’re neglectful and/or abusive, not because something intrinsic about you justifies it. You’re not a bad kid; you’re just a normal kid with very bad parents. And I’m really sorry that you have to put up with them. You deserve better 😔

I’m here if you need to vent again in the future, nonnie. Sending a virtual hug ❤

#Anonymous #Vent #Ask #Abuse tw #Abuse #Abusive parents #Emotional abuse #Long post #Threats #Guilt tripping #guilt tripping tw #Threats tw #therapy mention #christianity mention #neglect mention #(I'm nonbinary btw but it's not like my grandfather knows or would care 🙃)

[brykisheaven]

 i didn’t want to make a post like this because i dont a pity party or anything but i have to get this out of my head before i end up bottling it up and making it worse like i’ve done before.  //tw: body shame, verbal abuse, suicide mentions, racism (small mention) , long text in general tbh//

over the past couple of months, my life at home has been completely all over the place, every day when i wake up i feel like it’s just a cycle of nothing, all i do is sit at home doing online classes and finishing massive amounts of homework, some even due the next day. my back is so tired from just sitting down and typing and it has just made me so bored and stressed out. more so these days, the only reason i even bother to do my homework is because i can also talk to my friends on discord while im doing them, which makes me slightly feel better, sometimes i even give up on doing homework just to talk to them because it gives me a better reason to wake up than just do the same thing over and over again. it’s a horrible feeling that i hate but im very thankful i have my friends to make me feel a bit better. but my situation with my parents is more worse than this and sadly my friends cannot help with it, but they also help me stay somewhat happy while this shitstorm goes down every day. my parents have been getting more and more angry towards each other also, which makes my situation even worse, my father (who doesn’t live with me anymore) is so fucking horrible and stubborn, he makes racist jokes which i hate and i always tell him how he should stop being a fucking idiot and a jerk but he wont listen and just tells me “it’s a joke” but it’s fucking not, or at least its a fucking horrible disgusting joke, alongside that, he also makes me feel like i cannot do anything, i hate being with him and i dont even see him as my father anymore, nowadays i just see him as a random man my mother makes me go with only because he’s related to me in a way. his wife is also a fucking bitch who hates the living hell out of me and my sisters, she always complains about us and how we’re “uneducated” or “bad-behaved”, well bitch guess what at least im not a fucking prick who ruins peoples lives am i??? i cant even pretend to be happy anymore, im just so done pretending to be fine with this. I just came back from staying with him and i’m just so glad im home, the 2 days i spent with him after a whole 3 months were the worst of my life basically, i pretended to do my homework just so he could leave me alone, i began crying myself to sleep while drawing because that was the only thing that made me feel better somewhat. i dont want him to even stay in contact with my mother, all the time he just argues how im doing things wrong and that my mother is a bad example and teaching me wrong things, he blames her for the reason i have a rather thick body and it makes me so mad. my mother isn’t that great either but at least she tries to understand me, unlike my father who always thinks he’s right. i cant even wear dresses or skirts because all he does is tell me how ridiculous i look and how i should be skinny like every other girl, and every time he tells me that all i do is just ignore him but when i come home, i just want to vomit until all i see is blood. i’ve stopped eating for weeks one time because of this, im too afraid to even wear anything beside jumpers because it’ll reveal what my body type is. i hate how i cant even like myself, some times i feel like i should start cutting myself or try to kill myself again because whatever i do, it’s wrong to him, maybe if i die he’ll think i did something right. what i did right was not exist isn’t it? i dont want to though because i have such good friends on here and i dont want to leave them. my friends are the one of the only few reasons i even am here anymore, if it wasn’t for them i wouldn’t even bother. i would probably just cry and hope the next day i get run over or something like that.  my father also always complains about how im doing a stupid hobby and i wont get anything out of drawing and sometimes calls me a mistake because i dont want to have a “real” job like everyone else in out family, but guess what idiot, drawing is a real job and one day i will prove it to him that this isn’t some stupid hobby, but now this has also taken a toll on my art and confidence to post any of it, im too scared to post my art because im afraid people just think it’s stupid or im annoying them by posting too much or too little.  i haven’t gotten many complaints about it but every time i post anything i overthink and worry for a while hoping they wont hate it. so far i think i’ve been getting better managing the anxiety of it but another thing that worries me is the thought people might get angry of me drawing 4 all the time.  the reason why i draw 4 so much is because she’s sort of like a comfort character to me, she was made out of my feelings and was a persona for a short amount of time, i put a lot of myself into her and i love drawing her but i worry people will get bored of seeing her all the time, so thats why i might stop posting content for a bit. 4 is something special to me, whenever i get upset or feel happy, i feel like she’s making me feel happy, it sounds stupid but 4 has helped me overcome many of my bad thoughts and feelings, she’s also one of the reasons im still trying to be happy. thats the reason why i draw her so much. and i wont stop to draw her, and im sorry if you dont like to see her so much but i will not stop to do so, if it bothers you that much please unfollow me. im so sorry i rambled for so long thank you for reading and i love you ((also to devon and soapy and mel, if you’ve read up to here, i love you guys with all my heart i love you too much thank you))  💕

#vent tw

[anastasiaskarsgard]

TO THE ANON THAT ASKED FOR A SMUTTY CHEATER BILL STORY HERE YA GO. I INITIALLY DELETED THE REQUEST BECAUSE I DONT CONDONE CHEATING BUT THEN I THOUGHT, ITS FAN FICTION. NO ONE TAKES IT SERIOUSLY AND IVE GOTTEN A FEW REQUESTS FOR THIS SO HERE YA GO.

Here’s part 1: https://anastasiaskarsgard.tumblr.com/post/188138288236/this-is-a-really-involved-request-so-im-breaking

And here is PART 2

Warning!!! Smut 18+ mature content.

As we pulled into the parking lot, everything hit me at once. I had literally witnessed my dog get murdered, the man I thought was perfect was Satan himself, I have no belongings, I don’t know anyone but Randi here. But then I remembered all the good like I was free, I’m not dead, I have the best friend in the whole world, I already found a job and got paid a lot for basically getting to be near the hottest guy ever and there’s photographic evidence, and literally the world is my oyster. I even get to go to Canada! Hayden Christensen lives there! I look over at Randi and can’t help but laugh when I see her sassy face. She is not a fan of feeling sorry for yourself. “Sorry, I’ll stop. They’re happy tears! I swear! I’m so happy I have you, and we’re going on this adventure. I’m just grateful.”

“Wow. Don’t cry Bitch. You’ll fuck up your make up.” my best friend joked.

I chuckled, and gave her a hug, then stood straight out of the car and let her lead the way to see if everyone had gotten a table together in Mortons.

We found everyone taking their seats. I took the closest open seat next to the photographer and Randi sat between Andy and Bill across from us. I didn’t want to look at Bill and have Randi give me shit, so I read the entire menu like 3 times to avoid looking up. We all ordered, and then Andy had the idea for everyone to introduce themselves:

“Ok since everyone is from all over the place, let’s do a fun little ice breaker. I’ll start. My name is Andy, I’m from the beautiful country of Argentina and I’m a Director as I’m sure you all know, let’s be more original, I know! Name your fear! I’m afraid of drowning.”

“My name is Randi, I’m from Kalamazoo Michigan, I’m an artist and I’m afraid of flying.”

“Ok hi everybody! I’m Bill, I’m from Stockholm Sweden, I’m a human and I’m afraid of being alone.”

I giggled like an idiot, froze and looked over at Randi, who was smiling at me, shaking her head. Dammit.

“My name is Barbara and I’m Andy’s sister, and I am afraid of creepy crawly things.”

“I’m Maria from Brazil, I am photographer and I fear bad lighting and flaky models. Thank goodness for Liv appearing like magic and save the day.” She smiled at me warmly and squeezed my hand.

I felt everyone’s eyes on me, and could feel my heart pounding in my chest. I couldn't bear to look at Bill or Randi, so I stared down in my lap and could feel my face heating up. “I’m Liv from Las Vegas, I guess I’m a model for now and I’m afraid of being a failure, velociraptors, roller coasters, centipedes and public speaking.” I chuckled uncomfortably. I ramble when I’m nervous.

“I’m afraid of velociraptors as well,” Bill laughed. “Jurassic Park ruined me as a child.”

Everyone laughed heartily at Bill’s expense but I felt appreciative of him making my ridiculous fear seem more credible and drawing attention away from my obvious nervousness. I snuck a peek at him and he winked at me playfully.

I didn't know what to think of this beautiful man. My initial reaction to him had been negative. He seemed like every other snobby Hollywood type, complete with crazy girl problems, but as the day progressed, he surprised me over and over with how genuine he seemed to be.

As lunch went on, Randi and Maria were talking technical terms, so Bill and I looked at each other and just smiled and shrugged our shoulders. It wasn't like we were being ignored, just everyone except us was wrapped up in their own conversations. I was content with that too, but then an ice cube flew into my cleavage.

My eyes shot open and I observed a very amused Bill trying to contain his laughter but not doing a very good job.

”I promise I’m not an asshole. I have just been trying to get your attention since we got here. So how long you been in LA?” He asked me like i was the most interesting thing he’d ever encountered.

”What time is it? Less than 24 hours.”

His eyes went wide and he choked on his drink a bit, then began to laugh at himself . ”wow, and you already booked a major job? Who is your agent? Are you an actress or just gorgeous... I mean a model.”

”you are super smooth Bill. I’m kidding! Don’t pout you’ll get wrinkles.” I had to give him some shit. “I don’t have an agent because I don’t have any interest in fame at all.”

He looked impressed by that for some reason. ”so what brought you here?”

”Randi is my best friend, and I needed a change of scenery.” I said making sure to avoid eye contact. I knew I was just being paranoid, but I felt like he could look into my soul, with the intensity he was looking at me with. I’m a terrible liar, so I’m convinced if I look at him, he’ll see I’m not being honest. I didn't want to mention the literal hell id escaped to be here.

I could still feel his gaze on me, and I caught Andy looking between us with an unreadable expression. He's a director so he probably can read people really well.

Shit. I’m probably just being my normal neurotic psycho self. No one probably gives two shits about me, and this is all in my head. These people are famous and successful. I’m just another one of the millions of girls that they encounter in LA.

Maria tapped my shoulder. “Hi honey, can you switch seats with your friend? I want to show some my work?”

I smiled and agreed, but the butterflies in my stomach were going crazy as I took my seat by Bill. He was texting so I got my phone out to play a game or two. Suddenly I felt Bill’s leg press up against mine. I looked over at him, but he just continued with his phone, but was clearly smirking. Just then The food arrived and I was famished, so all other thoughts were abandoned.

“Wow! You eat real food!” Andy exclaimed.

“Oh it’s not fair! Liv has always eaten whatever she wants and doesn’t gain a pound.” Randi whined.

I blushed feeling all the attention on myself again. I wanted to fade into my surroundings like a chameleon. “I like to eat.”

I looked at Bill and he was off his phone but I could tell he was watching me as he ate.

“What?” I asked finally, when he didn’t stop looking at me.

“You’re very interesting.” He said.

“How?” I scoffed.

“Well for starters you’re drop dead gorgeous but you don’t like being the center of attention. Am I right?”

“I wouldn’t go with drop dead gorgeous, maybe conventionally attractive. There’s not really anything wrong with me, but there’s nothing to write home to your mother about either.”

He chuckled. “See? There you go again. You’re humble and funny too.”

I could feel my face burning so I excused myself to go use the restroom, but Bill said he’d show me where it was since he needed to smoke and make some calls.

I was fully aware where it was, but agreed and figured I’d let him show me. He turned before we reached the bathroom and he opened a door that appeared to almost blend in to the wall, revealing a very plush, luxurious bathroom with a large vanity.

“Oh my gosh is this like the Secret VIP potty?” I asked. I had always heard about secret lounges and VIP cool stuff so I was ecstatic to actually see one. I probably seemed like such a dork but I didn’t care.

“Something like that.” He said following me inside and locking the door behind him. I turned around to tell him there only appeared to be one toilet, when he took a couple steps and closed the distance between us and kissed me, pinning me against the wall.

He pulled back and looked down into my eyes, “I’ve wanted to do this since I saw you.” He said deepening the kiss again.

I stepped aside to move out from under him and caught my breath. “Your girlfriend though!”

“It’s over with her. It’s been stale a long time” He said as he wrapped his arm around my waist. “Don’t worry, I'm sick of her. I much rather have you. Do you have a boyfriend?” He pulled me against him again and my God the man was so good looking.

“Nope. I’d have kicked you if I did, I’m not a cheater.” I couldn’t believe his lips were on me. I tried to think and get ahold of myself and be rational, but as he kissed down my neck and groped my breasts, it was getting hard to remember why this wasn’t the best idea ever.

“. Listen, you’re very attractive Bill. Like best looking guy I’ve ever seen attractive, and I’m flattered, but we should get back. They’re gonna wonder.”

“This dress is killing me though, and youre so so beautiful.” He groaned lustilly, as he slowly slid my dress’ strap down, continuing his way down, kissing down my throat to my chest. He exposes my breast and looks up to make sure I wasn’t going to object, but when I just bit my lip, he placed his mouth on my nipple, suckling at my breast. He releases it with a popping sound, and slips a hand under my skirt, rubbing me through my panties, as he sucksin a breath through his teeth, before going for my other breast. This motherfucker is gonna kill me. How can one man be so hot and what did I do in a past life to deserve this shit? Seriously universe? How do I carry on knowing his tongue was on my nipple?

He hiked my skirt up to brush his fingertips across my folds. He bit my bottom lip and then pulled his hand out from under my skirt, and sensually tasted his fingers before leading me to the large round cushioned ottoman at the vanity, trying to get me to sit.

“What are you up to? You’re - this is so bad.” I tell him as he pushes me down lightly as he kisses me passionatly.

He looked deep in my eyes. “Please let me taste you and make you feel good. I don’t expect anything from you and I don’t do this type of thing ever, but I’ve honestly never wanted to see what someone tastes like more in my life.”

FUCK. Who in the hell could say no to that?

All I could do is nod, too shocked to fully comprehend that this was really happening.

He got on his knees in front of me and I couldn’t help but admire his gorgeous features. As crazy as it sounds, he had the most beautiful bone structure; severe and angular, yet it was offset by his big green eyes with their long sweeping lashes, luscious plump full lips, and adorable perfect little child-like nose. His hair was silky and thick and he smelled like mint and soap.

I watched as he pulled my underwear off and placed them in his pocket, before leaning me back with one hand, as the other lifted my dress. He bit my inner thigh gently, but still sent a thrill up my spine causing me to visibly shudder.

“I haven’t even started yet,” he smirked up at me cockily, before pressing his mouth to my sex before I had time to reply. I’d had my pussy eaten before, but nothing like this. There was no sign of nervousness or insecurity that some men display when they go down there. Like you can tell they’re not sure what the fuck to do, but Bill was sure of himself and seemed to genuinely love doing it. He was so enthusiastic and it felt so amazing. I never had done something like this in my life, and wouldn’t even kiss on a first date, yet here I am. I was scandalized and aroused, and so close to an orgasm it was shocking.

“You gonna cum for me baby?. I love how you look right now.... Cum on my face.... please?” He pleaded and pushed another finger inside of me. I couldn’t look at him. It was all too much.

I let out a moan as he moved his fingers and tongue in such a combined effort, that I reached out and gripped his hair, pressing his face against me as my release crashed down on me, violently shaking me, and making everything go white, as it wound down. It was seriously one of the most intense orgasms I’ve ever had, and it took me longer than a polite amount of time to realize I was still holding his face, and immediately released him”I’m so sorry, I didn't realize I- .”

“Sshhh.” He said chuckling and came up and kissed me deeply. “Can you taste yourself on me?”

I nodded shyly, looking away to break eye contact. He was so intense and I wasn’t sure what he would want me to do to return the favor.

He put his finger under my chin and pulled my face back over to look in his eyes. “You’re beautiful.”

I looked back at him, waiting to see what he did next. I was surprised he wasn't taking his pants off, but was too shy to try and take them off myself. I really wanted to though, and that surprised me. I wanted him to fuck me and wasn’t going to think about it, just do it. Like Nike.

He stood up and helped me to my feet, and helped smooth my dress out. He pulled me into another kiss and I could feel how excited he was.

“Let me make you feel nice now.” I mentally scolded myself for saying something so not sexy but just looked up at him with my best doe eyed look.

“You’re so cute. Don’t worry about me, just yet. I don’t want a quickie in a bathroom with you, I want like a bed and many. many. hours. I want to impress you.”

“I’m fucking impressed Bill.”

He chuckled and bit his lip, and you could see the wheels turning. “I really want to fuck you but I also don’t wanna be too long and full disclosure, Andy threatened serious bodily harm not to touch you. Said you’re a heartbreaking man eater.”

“Randi advised me to avoid you because you’re a foreign actor that’s too good looking for his own good. You’re obviously a monster.”

We both got a good laugh out of that.

“What’s your phone number?” He asked taking out his phone.

“I don’t currently have one. I need to get one. I lost mine yesterday.”

He looked at me incredulously. “If you don’t want to give me your number it’s ok.”

“No. Take Randi’s number, that’s the phone I was using earlier anyways, that way you can call, cuz I don’t have a pen or anything.”

“How about your email, and then you can send me your number when you get it. Randi might catch on if I call her phone.”

“You’re so smart! You’ll see me in a week on your new movie too.”

“Really? That’s the best news I got all day but if you think I’m waiting a week to be inside you, you’re insane. Now go, just say I went to smoke and make calls if they ask where I am. I’ll give it a couple minutes.”

I gave him my email and walked out the door to go try and act like the hottest fucking thing to ever happen in my life, didn’t just go down. When I turned the corner, I nearly threw up and cane to a screeching halt. I met eyes with the estranged exgirlfriend. I didn’t wanna seem weird so I smiled and sat down to finish my meal, since turning around and running the other direction might bad. I mean as far as I was concerned he was single, so I had no reason to feel guilty of anything. And I didn’t plan on admitting that happened to anyone, so not telling her was totally fine. She tapped on my arm and I cautiously turned to her.

“Did you see Bill by chance?” She asked politely.

“He said he was smoking and making some important calls when he left the table earlier.”

She laughed a little and rolled her eyes, “that man and his cigarettes! I blame Hemlock Grove for turning him into a chainsmoker. He’s probably smoked two or three in a row.”

“All this talk about smoking makes me want one, I’ll go find him. Excuse me ladies.” Andy said, as he quickly walked towards the exit to find Bill.

“He’s probably going to warn Bill that I’m here. We got in a fight earlier and he can be such a brat. Watch when he comes back, he’ll pretend like nothing happened.”

Maybe she didn’t realize he really was done with her. She had a funny accent so I assumed she’s Swedish too. He was probably her only friend out here so I couldn’t help but pity her.

“Between silent treatments and smoking, Bill would be dead by morning.” Randi said with a mischievous wink.

“Oh if you could see his hissy fits, they’re the worst!” She enthused. “Anything in his hands he’ll throw and if it’s something like a sandwich or drinks and won’t hurt you, he’ll throw it on you. But then if I try and ignore him, he’ll lay on me like a big dead weight until I speak.” His girlfriend said, laughing hysterically. Everyone joined in telling stories of past boyfriends that were grown men, having varying degrees of tantrums, but I just sat silently. My ex story wasn’t funny.

Andy and Bill came back and I could feel an anxiety attack creeping up on me.

I looked up and Bill was staring at me and I looked to Randi and she had a puzzled look on her face. In an effort to not give anything away to her, my eyes shot back up to Bill.

Bill looked furious. He seethed animosity and I just looked down at my plate to avoid that glare. I wasn't sure if I was the cause or she was, but I desperately wanted to run out of the place screaming and looked at Randi again pleading with my eyes to go. She seemed to catch on and I tried to keep it together.

His ex got up and rushed over to him. Just as I looked up, she planted a soft kiss on his cheek. My eyes narrowed involuntarily as he glanced over at me, but I couldn't tear my eyes away from him. His girlfriend grabbed his face and kissed him right on the lips.

I felt like I was going to throw up. Tears threatened to spill but I held them back as I stared at my lap. I kept seeing Bill’s eyes as he looked up at me from between my legs. Flashes of him pinning me to the wall, or oh my fucking god! My underwear are in his pocket!

My pussy is on his face too and he just kissed her.

He seemed so genuine, but he was an actor, what did I expect. Faking Feelings and emotions was how he paid the bills. I couldn’t believe how stupid and guillable I was! He probably got off on this shit. Poor woman. I was exaggerating when I’d said he was a monster but goddammit I was right!!!

”Ok thank you for inviting us and I can't wait to see whoever is going to join us in Toronto, but Liv and I must be off for an important appointment and then packing.” Randi said her goodbyes as I walked around the table and stood beside her, keeping my back to Bill.

”Bye everybody. I had fun” I said Sweetly and then I turned on my heel and walked past Bill without a glance.

”See you two in Toronto.” Bill called after us, and even though I refused to look at him, I could feel his eyes burning into my back as we walked away.

#bill skarsgard #bill skarsgård #bill skarsgard au #bill skarsgard asks #my writing

[coffeecrusadeclub]

Prompt: Kissing on the stairwell giving an artificial hight difference

Tyrus oneshot

TJs POV:

Cyrus and I had stayed after school to study but not much of that was happening, I mean I was trying but I couldnt concentrate. We were sitting in the stair well and Cryus was talking aboutpolychromios-nomials- polynomials and I got lost in a day dream, staring up at him. I couldnt help it, he was just so- he's so beautiful. Ive had a crush on him for ages, I cant even physically remember not being completely in love with him.

"Tj? Earth to Tj???"

"Huh? Oh. Sorry"

"Tj what is going on with you lately? Is everything all right because you havent been able to focus lately and I really want you to pass this class so you dont have to do summer school"

It was nice knowing he wanted to spend time with me but I felt sad because there was no way he felt the same way as me. He was my best friend and I never wanted that to change

"Tj? Whats wrong"

I stood up and took a step down taking a deep sigh. I wanted to tell him how I felt, maybe if I told him how I felt it would be easier to focus. I felt a lump grow in my throat and it occurred to me, it could get harder I could lose my tutor.

Cyrus stood up now too turning me around to face him. He was a couple steps higher in the stairwell making us the same height.

"Tj whats wrong? You can talk to me about anything"

"I-I cant" i felt tears welling up in my eyes. "I can't tell you this"

Cyrus looked at me both confused and concerned

"Why? Tj its okay please talk to me"

"You'll hate me" my voice cracked and I put my head down to face the floor

"I could never hate my best friend. Not even if you killed somebody-you didnt kill anyone right?

I laughed softly and wiped my eyes denying the tears ability to fall

"Definitely didnt kill someone"

"Okay good." He reached out and grabbed my hand using his other hand to lift my chin to face him, "Talk to me Teej"

"I- I like you"

He didnt say anything, just squeezed my hand, I felt a ball regret forming in my stomach

"I had a crush on you from the day I met you and I cant think of a time that I wasnt super in love with you and I dont want you to hate me but I cant not tell you anymore."

He stared at me and i broke eye contact looking at the floor

"Tj.." he trailed off letting go of my hand and bringing it to my face. I felt a tear roll down my cheek and he wiped it away with his thumb.

"Im sorry I shouldnt have said anything. You cant even respond to me. Classic Tj has to ruin everything" I was aware I rambling but couldnt help but keep going as I felt tears rolling down my face

"I had to go and ruin a good thing and now Ive lost my best friend and my world basically and Im going to have no one and im going to fail math because my math tutor hates me. And i should go-"

I turned to grab my things and Cyrus grabbed my wrist pulling me back to him.

He said nothing as he cupped my face with his hands.

"Im so sorry I ruin everything and I'll find another tutor I'll-"

I was cut off by Cyrus as he leaned in and without a word started kissing me. It felt like my world stopped for ages even though it was likely a few seconds. He pulled away and put his forehead against mine

"I've been wanting to do that for awhile now"

"Wha-what"

"You could be pretty oblivious ya know?"

"Cyrus, please don't play with my emotions if you dont like me say it..."

"TJ Kippen I am so in love with you."

I put my head in his shoulder and let myself cry from relief. Cyrus kissed my head and let me go.

"I love you"

"I love you too"

@persongoingfast

#oneshot #one shot #tyrus one shot #tyruskiss #tyrus aesthetic #tyrus fanfic #tyrus andi mack #tyrus #tyrus stan #tyrus spoilers #tyrus songs #tj smitten #cyrus smitten #tj goodman #cyrus kippen

[ethereal-stark]

Almost pt. 2

The second part to almost!

I am again so sorry this is so late? School and work were horribly overwhelming, but i was working 25-30 hour work weeks while in college classes and it was hard for me to manage. Its now summer and i have much more free time so there will be more writing and i am excited!

I am sorry if this sucks i dont have anyone who proof reads my writing and i always feel as my writings suck, but thats okay!!

You could tell something wasn’t right with today, all day every little aspect of the glade had seemed off. Everything around you held an aura of eeriness, an anxious feeling fluttered constantly in your stomach. You sat against the stump of a tree, mindlessly drowning some water, hoping that would help with whatever had you all riled up. Some of the other builders had noticed your symptoms and passed around hushed whispers to Gally. After your incident a few weeks before, Gally kept your work at a bare minimum and something even a greenie could accomplish.

The wind swayed, blowing a cold breeze over you as you kept your focus on the grass that seemed to dance in the wind. “You alright Y/N,” gally asked quietly taking a seat next you.

You could feel the gaze of the older boy, you could feel the concern that radiates off of him, it felt sickening. “ ‘M alright Gally,” you uttered,” just don’t feel to well. Not really sure what’s wrong,” you admitted, pulling grass from the ground trying to distract yourself from the situation. You weren't even sure what the situation was, but you were sure that there was one.

Gally skimmed his hand over the grass, taking your hand in his and took his time to rub small circles,” you need anything you tell me you shank,” his lame attempt of a joke cracked no smile,” i love you like a sister Y/N,” he admitted,” always gonna be here for you.” The concern cut like a knife, you didn’t know why but i felt like too much, but you knew deep down it's what you needed.

You chuckled, rubbing under your eyes harshly,” thanks Captain Gal.I really needed that.” A little weight had been taken off, and even the smallest of freedom felt nice.

Gally looked around the glade, seeing that Newt kept his gaze locked on you. Gally grinned,” i’m not the only shank here who is worried ya know? Newt over there looks pretty concerned,” you lifted your gaze from the grass and saw that indeed the blonde boy was looking at you with an intense gaze,” take a break and talk to him.” You looked over to protest the idea when Gally cut you off,” captain’s orders. Go. Now!”

“Alright you shank,” you muttered, pushing yourself up from ground, only offering a small wave as you walked away. You looked to the walls seeing that the sun was coming down, and seeing the runners standing at one of the entrances to the still open doors. “Aren't those supposed to be closed by now,” you asked standing beside Newt looking into the maze.

Newt bit at his lip,” they should be,” the stress slowing starting to fill him. The memories of when he used to be a runner flowed into his head. Newt was more than thankful that he didn't have to worry about making it back in time, but now that same stress was held for his friends.

You looked over at the older boy and reached out for him,” it’ll be fine. Maybe the creators are just pulling some sick joke.” Your left arm was slung around Newt’s shoulder and you slid your right arm across his stomach, keeping him in a side hug.

When you made contact with Newt, you could feel the anxiety off of the boy. His arms shook and he couldn’t seem to stop tapping his foot. “ Hope your right (Y/n).”

You looked into the abyss and feel something just drop in your gut,” yeah me too.”

*

Everything was falling apart. Everything did fall apart. The glade your home, was utterly destroyed. The gladers were divided, between staying in the glade and escaping the place they once called home. Thomas and Minho somehow managed to screw up, the walls wouldn’t close. Then the grievers attacked, you had been lucky that Gally dragged you and a few others to the box.

There you hunkered down, stayed silent, hoping that you made make it through the night. You were praying the rest of the gladers were safe, you were praying that Newt would be safe. The homestead wouldn't hold off the grievers and you had already heard the splintering of wood, and the screams of your friends in the night.

Too many lives had been lost, and the feeling of your stomach dropping hasn't left. Not a single sound was uttered. Gally looked down on you as you tried to hide yourself in one of the corners,” It’ll be okay (Y/N). We’re okay.”

You looked up through the metal bars of the box, the screams of the gladers and the shierks of the grievers had gone silent,” not all of us Gal,” you sighed, aggressively rubbing the tears from your eyes.

“They know how to fight,” Gally crouched down next to you,” Newt will be okay. One of the toughest shanks we know.” You nodded slowly and rested your head on his shoulder. After a short while the screams began to die down and the tension left your body, all you felt was the numbness that creeped up on you. Gally stood and pulled you up with him, keeping a death grip on your shaking form.

“I think they’re gone,” Gally whispered, gently cracking open the doors and peeking into the glade. Gally looked around, the grievers were gone and no other gladers were in sight. “Let's go find everyone yeah?” One by one everyone left the box and gazed at the glade. Your knuckles white at how tightly you gripped the handle of the knife.

You followed Gally over to the homestead, where you could finally see other gladers, some of your closests friends among them.

“Thank god,” you whispered, loosening your grip on the blade, and slipping it back into your belt.

Gallys paced on quickened as him marched his way up to Thomas,” Gally,” Thomas called out. Only a second later did Gally’s fist fly across Thomas’s face. The gladers started shouting at Gally as you rushed over and pushed him back from Thomas, and in the process Newt pulled you away.

“Let them figure this out love,” He whispered holding onto you waist,” im glad to see your okay,” you swore you could hear his voice crack.

For a moment you allowed yourself to melt into his touch,” i’m glad your okay too,” you whispered back, turning around to offer him a smile.

The worry that seemed ingrained in his expression fell away he was about to start when the shouts of Gally interrupted him. You both looked back to see Gally attempting to throw punches at Thomas.

Frypan and Winston pulled Gally away,” You heard what Alby said!,” Gally stated,” He’s one of them! They sent him here to destroy everything,” Gally kept rambling as he tried to fight off Winston and Frypan. “And now he has. Look around Thomas, Look around this is your fault.”

You sunk your body closer to Newt’s,” Gally that's enough! He wanted to get out of here! We’ve been trying to figure a way out for years!”

Gallys head snapped at you,” he ruined our home (Y/N)!! What else is he going to do.”

A heat had engulfed your body, a rage you hadn’t really felt before. The first wrong choice was leaving the safety of Newt’s hold,and your marched straight up to Gally.“ Gally you shuckface! Thomas is scared just like we all are, but this isn't home! We had lives before this that we can’t remember so shut your shuck mouth before you regre-” A loud smack rang in the air. You stumbled back as shock washed over Gally’s face.

“I-i’-i’m sorry (Y/N),” Gally rushed, trying to find his words. Slowly you backed away from him bumping into someone behind you. You glanced back and saw Newt, you saw the anger evident in his face and felt his arms wrap around your waist.

“You’ll regret that,” he started, but the yells from Teresa and Chuck cut him off. At first you felt enraged that Gally had the audacity to hit you, then embarrassment. Your cheek lightly throbbed with pain as you attempted to cradle your cheek.

Newt’s hand slipped from your waist has he ran over to Thomas,” Why in the bloody hell did he do this?”

“He thought Gally was right. He wanted to know,” Chuck told him, everyone glancing over and sneering at Gally.

Gally looked back at his friends,” throw Thomas and Teresa in the slammer.” Anyone who disagrees with me can join them.”

One by one everyone went taking their stand with gally, not ready to face his wrath. Newt kept a grip on you glancing down at you, trying to figure out what your next move would be.

“Love what do you want to do?” He whispered in your ear as Gally kept a strong  gaze on the two of you.

“I’ll side with him but i don't trust him, not again,” you breathed, following the other gladers to stand behind Gally.

The second you made it into the safe zone, Newt pulled you closer into him. “I promise you love, I’ll keep you safe okay. “ Newt could feel you slightly temoring against him ,” I lo-.” he stopped himself. It felt wrong, the wrong time, the wrong place, and the wrong reason for a confession.

You heard the word form on his lips then vanish, you felt the breath that the word escaped with and all you could think was “i love you too tommy.”

#themazerunnner #thescorchtrials #thedeathcure #newttmr #newt x reader #gally tmr #thomas tmr #frypan tmr

[jake-guentzel-59]

Shoot your Shot Part 7 - Auston Matthews

Sorry it took this long for the next part. I think there might only be one more part after this because I just dont think ill have time to continue with this with school and work. If people still want me to write I will but it’ll probably just be one shots or something until im done with school Words: 1780 Warnings: Cursing

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Waking up in Austons bed in the morning was a bit confusing. I woke up before him so that was a good thing because I really don't want to talk to him about what I said last night. I grabbed my phone and went to the bathroom. Deciding to leave, I called Kenzie to come get me.

"Hey" She answered "I need you to come get me. Like right now." "Why are you whispering? What's wrong? Where are you?" Kenzie asked rushed "I'm hiding in Austons bathroom and he's still asleep and I don’t want to wake him up." "Ohh, did you guys do it?" I can only imagine the smile on her face now. "No just come get me. I decided that I needed to confess my feelings for him last night before I fell asleep and I don't want to talk to him about it. I'm leaving his house now, I'll send you my location. There's a gas station right down the road from his house. Pick me up there." I told her before hanging up the phone.

After sneaking out of the bathroom, I quietly snuck back in to Austons room to get the rest of my belongings. After that, I slowly walked out of his room turning around to close his door as softly as I can.

"Hey, where you going?" Not expecting Will, I got startled by his question. "Jesus Will you scared me." "Sorry about that, but where are you going? I was going to make breakfast for me and Auston. I can make you some too." "Um, that’s fine. I was just heading out actually" I told him pointing towards the door. "Are you walking? I can wake up Auston so he ca-" "NO, that’s fine. My friend is picking me. Just tell him I had a nice time last night, Okay?" Telling him before I walked out the door.

It didn’t take long for Kenzie to pick me up. After telling her what happened last night, including the conversation I overheard and what was said last night before going to sleep, she told me I was overreacting. Chances are that I am but I don’t have a good track record with guys. Auston didn’t even say that he had feelings for me and me telling him how I feel probably scared him off. The drive home didn't take too long. Kenzie just told some story about a fight her and her boyfriend got into last night. We said good bye and I walked into my house. Refusing Wills breakfast offer is really kicking me in the ass right now because I'm extremely hungry. Walking into the kitchen to a note left by my dad telling me that he was at work and Mads was at our aunts' house. Today was Sunday so I decided to take a shower and have a movie day by myself.

~5 days ahead~

Today is finally Friday and I couldn’t be more excited. Tonight, me and my friends are going out for Kenzies birthday. There was just the last 15 minutes of my shift standing between me and getting drunk with my best friends. It was finally time to close the shop, these last 15 minutes felt like hours. Walking to my car, I checked my phone. I had missed texts from my friends and one from Auston. Which was weird because I only talked to him once or twice after Sunday, we haven't really talked that much in the last few days. His text told me to call him. So when I got to my car I called him.

"Hey" "Hi, are you mad at me or did I do something?" He asked "No, why'd you ask?" "Well we've barely talked the last few days and we talked everyday while I was away." He sound a bit sad when he said that. "Sorry, I've just been busy with work and stuff." Technically I wasn’t lying. I did work the last 4 out of 5 days and he didn’t do anything to make me mad. it was all my fault, "Well I have to go. I'm hanging out with some friends tonight for Kenzies birthday." "Oh okay. Tell her I said happy birthday, I'll talk to you tomorrow or something?" "Yeah, tomorrow. Bye Auston." "Bye Logan."

Not having time to overthink the conversation I just had, I drove to kenzies house to start drinking and getting ready. I decided against telling kenzie about the phone call because I didn’t want to ruin the night with my pointless boy drama and kenzie would just tell me I was being an idiot like she did since she picked me up Sunday. Predrinking went well, I don’t think I have ever seen Kenzie get this drunk before. If she drank anymore she would never make it out so that’s when I decided to call us all a cab to the first club. By about 1:30AM we made it too 3 different places. The third one was hands down the best. We were all pretty much as drunk as Kenzie at this point, dancing on the dance floor and getting more drinks. Kenzie went to the bar to get another drink leaving me on the dance floor. I was dancing with some people when I felt hands grab onto my waist. Turning around I didn’t recognize the guy but I continued to dance with him because I didn’t see any harm in it. We were dancing with each other for about 10 minutes when he turned me around and started making out with me. I was too drunk to realize I didn’t even know him and I started to kiss him back. He started lowering his hands and getting to touchy so I tried to stop him.

"Stop" I told him "Why? You seemed into a few minutes ago." "Yeah that was before but I'm not now, so stop." "How about you get back into and come home with me?" "How about you fuck off and leave me alone?" I told him with the fakest smile on my face "No need to be a bitch" He said walking away

Deciding not wanting to dance anymore I went to the bar to get another drink. After finishing my drink, I felt bored with being out so I told my friends I was leaving and called the first number I could think of. It was Auston.

"Hello?" He answered confused almost "Shit did I wake you up? Sorry ill call someone else." "No, it's fine, What's up?" "I was wondering if you could pick me up at this club. There was creepy guy trying to take me home and I just don' wan-" "I'll be there in a minute, send me the location" That’s all he said before hanging up in my ear. I was waiting for him outside and about 5 minutes after he hung up the creepy guy came outside. "Hello beautiful." He slurred his words as he came closer to me. Trying to walk away from didn’t work because he just followed me saying things to me. "Can you just leave me alone. I'm not interested at all." "I could but I really don’t want too." He said stepping closer to me. Right before he got close enough to touch me, Auston got in between us. "I'm pretty sure she said to leave her alone." Auston said angrily "I didn't know she had a boyfriend. Why didn't you tell me you had a boyfriend? I would of left you alone." Drunk guy said before starting to walk away "Because it doesn't matter if I have a boyfriend or not, you should respect my decision when I said leave me alone!" I yelled after him "Thanks for coming to my rescue Aus" "Get in the car" Is all he said after that

I followed him to car, him opening the door for me to get in and helping me put on my seatbelt before he closed the door and got in the front seat. We were driving for about 5 minutes before I realized we weren't headed towards my house.

"Where are we going?" I asked "Well you're drunk and I know when you're drunk you really want McDonalds so we're going there first. I also know that you are very very drunk and shouldn’t be alone tonight so I'm going to let you stay at my place tonight so I can keep an eye on you." "That's the nicest thing I think anyone has ever done for me." We got the McDonalds and went back to Austons. We were sitting in silence eating and all I could think about was the other night when I told him my feelings. "Can I tell you something serious?" I asked him "Of course" "So, the other night I heard you guys talking in the living room about me and that's why I got a bit awkward and then I told you had feelings for you, I don't know if you remember that or not, but that’s why I was kind of avoiding you. It wasn’t your fault or anything. I just have a tendency to ruin anything good going on with a guy. So, I just want to apologize for how I've been acting the last week and I hope we can still be friends." I rambled on "Logan, I remember everything you said to me that night. I wanted to say something back but I didn't want to ruin anything. I know you said that you liked me but I didn't think it was true because I have hard time believing it when a girl says that because they're usually after my money but I know you're not. I wanted to ask you out on a proper date but I thought you were mad at me." He told me this and I felt terrible. He actually liked me and once again I ruin it. "I'm so so sorry, I didn't know and how would I know because I thought I should avoid you. Of course I had to ruin something again." I mumbled to myself. "Hey you didn't ruin anything. I still like you and I still want to go out on that date." He told me smiling "Really?" "Of course, I was going to ask you out for tomorrow night but I think you might need the whole weekend for rest. How about next Friday?" "Yeah, I would love that." I told him with the biggest smile on my face. We finished eating and tried to watch a movie but I was way too tired and fell asleep on his shoulder.

#auston matthews #auston matthews imagine #tml #Toronto Maple Leafs #hockey imagines #nhl imagines #Shoot Your Shot

[thedurangedrantsofamadman]

Dear Druid

I’m sorry. I’m sorry for making you feel so shitty and I’m sorry for letting you down. I never intended to hurt you like this but it played out this way regardless of how I felt. I know that I don’t feel the same way about sex as you do but it isn’t something I would be able to do with just anyone. And you aren’t just anyone. You are the only person ive ever been comfortable with tickling me. You are the only person ive been truly comfortable being naked around. You are one of the only people that i am so comfortable around that i dont feel the need to protect myself at all. I have never trusted anyone so quickly and so deeply. You are the person that i talk to my friends about. You are the person that i think about seeing the most. You are the person that always says the right thing to make my heart melt. I care about you deeply and I have done my absolute best to not fuck this up, to not push you away. Yet here we are. I tried so hard not to fall for you because I was afraid you’d leave me if I did, because I’m not ready to feel that way again. I have so much work to do to get myself to a point where I can be OK again because I’m not OK. I’m unstable and riddled with doubt and anxiety and all I want to do is hurt myself. Any time someone pushes me away i assume i did something wrong to deserve it and i let it happen. I’m so fucked up and opening myself up to get hurt again is to big of a risk. Yet here I am hurting anyway because I have made you hurt. I wanted to bring you into my life and make you my new best friend. I wanted to spoil you and make you feel amazing and instead I’ve neglected you and left you feeling unwanted. And for that I am so sorry. I will do anything within my power to fix this. If you need time then I will give you all of it. I will wait as long as you need me to. If you need to hate me for a time then do it. If you need to erase my contact and go on with your life without me in it for a time then by all means separate me from your life. I’ll wait for you to be ready to forgive me. No matter how long it takes. Because when I’m with you its beyond difficult to feel down. Because you help me smile and laugh and it feels like everything I’ve been missing is within reach. Because you are light and happiness and laughter and joy. Because I want you in my life more than anything and no matter how much I enjoyed the time we have spent together and how involved with one another we have become it wasn’t worth losing you over. There isn’t a single thing that would be worth losing you. I am sorry and if there is any way I can make this right please let me know .

I try my hardest every single day to not let my depression sink in but it always finds a way. I give all that I can to the people I care about and they still turn on me. They still end up blaming me. I always end up the same way, alone and empty. No amount of effort short of medication will ever be able to change me. This is just how I am. I trust everyone I meet with my life and only after I care for them do I doubt them. I cant stop thinking that they are hiding something from me and if I can’t find a problem then I become it. I become the reason that things are kept from me. I become the reason that people can’t be happy around me. Everything I have or ever will have I will ruin and I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I wasn’t honest. I’m sorry that I have been so damned afraid. I’m sorry that I have been so confused about my feelings and so difficult to understand. I’m sorry for feeling the way that I do and I’m sorry for how everything has happened.

I’m sorry that I’m getting in the way of our friendship and I’m sorry for treating you the way I have been. And I am beyond sorry for every single second that I have ever made you feel anything less than amazing. I wish that I could have overcome my fears and been more than this but I didn’t, I haven’t, and I probably never will. I’m sorry that I lied to you and I’m sorry that I lied to myself. But I’m not a good person. I am tiny and petty and filled to the brim with negativity and from this point on I am not going to be what makes you happy. I can’t be that. I am too consumed in my own pain to be anything of use to you. I’m glad that your feelings have subsided and I’m glad you can move on now and I hope that you can be OK and that whatever it is that will make you happy that he is it

I’m not okay with this. I’m not happy with this. I can’t fucking stand this. Every time one of us reaches out the other shuts down completely. Neither of us trust each other. We are both getting consumed by our jealousy. I hate this druid. I keep having panic attacks when I see you and when I shut down because of it you shut down and say I’ll talk to everyone else but you and that’s true because I’m not having panic attacks over them. I’m not consumed by mixed feelings and jealousy over them. Just you. And I don’t know how to make it stop. I’m so uneasy over all of this and I can’t seem to get you into a room alone so that we can talk. There is so much I want to say so much I want you to understand. You keep shutting down because I talk to Zelda and Grace more often then I do to you but I constantly try to come up with a reason to be there, to be at the wares stations so that I can see you because I want to talk to you. But half of the time he is there and I cant be me when he is. I can’t say that I love you and that I just want to hold you until your worries are gone. I can’t spill my heart to you no matter how much I want to. And somehow we reached this point where we don’t trust each other and we shut down at the drop of a hat. I miss you all the time I want you by my side every second because you are an anchor. You keep me here, in my body, in my head, like no one else does. I want you with me. I want to be yours and I want you to be mine. I know you don’t trust me but I do still love you. I do still want a relationship with you. And I fully intend to keep my promises to you. But I don’t know if this is the right time for us. There is so much standing in our way right now and two of those things seem to be ourselves. I keep thinking of what to do and I’ve got nothing. Every time we talk we just come back to loving each other but not knowing what to do and then it repeats. We just keep hurting and nothing changes and its making me miserable. I can’t stop getting upset and I can’t calm myself down long enough to talk to you before you shut down too. I’m trying so hard to be more than this, to be more than I am and it isn’t working. I’m still this, I’m still me, a tiny jealous and fragile human. You wanted me to talk about it so here it is. This is what’s on my mind and I can’t keep doing this. I can still talk to you, I can still be your friend, I can still be there for you, but I can’t keep holding onto the hope of having a relationship with you. Maybe the time isn’t right, maybe we aren’t ready, but either way we aren’t happy and we aren’t together and nothing is changing. It feels like I have to cling onto you with everything that I have just to keep you from shutting me out entirely. Every time you try I do everything I can to stop you but that buys barely anytime before you try again. I don’t know how rambly this is right now and I’m trying not to be petty so I’ll end here. Im sorry.

I can not do this. You don’t talk to me about what is on your mind. You don’t tell me when I’m doing something that bothers you. You text me pretty inconsistently as it is and when we are together you seem more absorbed in texting other people then you are in actually talking to me. You don’t trust me and I can’t figure out why cause you won’t talk to me. I don’t trust you because we never talk and because I’m keeping things from you even now because i never know what’s going to hurt you and what isn’t. So here. i have sent all of these other messages about my feelings so that’s what I’ve been keeping from you. About a month and a half ago I kissed someone and we pretty much haven’t talked since then. It meant nothing but its not like I could tell you that because you’ve been getting upset over me talking to other girls while I’ve been trying to stay calm whenever you talk to him or the few times you’ve kissed him in front of me. I don’t know what you feel for him or what’s going on between you two but I’m not doing this anymore. I’m not going to continue this shitty cycle of us lying to each other.

First off let me apologize for how I have been acting. I have not been open with you about my feelings, at least not completely, at any point. I always have a little bit that I hide or in some cases a lot. So here it is. Everything above this is my thoughts or feelings from some point during the time that I have known you. I know I've shown some of them to you before but I can't remember which you have or haven't seen so here is everything. Now let me clarify a bit more. Part of me has resented you for since the first time we stopped talking. When we expressed feelings for one another you told me that you would wait until I was ready because you wanted me to like you for you and that meant a lot to me. After a little while though you expressed that you weren't comfortable with us having sex while not officially dating and all I was concerned about at that point was you. I was worried that you would need some space to get your head right and to be ready to be friends. I didn't think you wanted to wait anymore and since we couldn't be together that you needed to give up on the relationship. So I offered space. I don't know if you thought I wanted to push you away or if you thought I didn't want you anymore but you grew angry and we stopped talking. And in that lapse of communication you ran to him. You ran to someone else. You chose someone else that you could have then and there. When I asked you about it you said that you needed to be in a relationship but that wasn't good enough and that still isn't good enough. So I opened up more and for once I was selfish. For once I told you the truth of what I wanted. I wanted you. Yes I wasn't ready, yes I wanted to wait, but I wanted you nonetheless. And so you told me that you would end it with him. You told me that I was the one you loved. But you still talked to him. You still spent time with him. You turned to him for rides before you ever tried asking me. You put off ending it as long as you could and then finally told me that you did but then you kept telling me that he was begging for you pack and that he wouldn't give up on you. Meanwhile we remained intamite as we had been previously and we carried on as if we were together even though we weren't. And he still clinged to you. We argued and shut down and pushed each other out. You spent half of your time texting other people when you were supposed to be with me. And through it all he clinged to you and you let him. I wanted to trust you, I wanted to love you, I wanted to be with you, but in the back of my mind every time I saw him I thought about how you chose him and I thought that you would always choose him over me. Saying that you need to be in a relationship isn't enough because if you can't exist as an individual outside of a relationship so much so that you need to be in an unhealthy relationship just to feel whole then you were far less ready for this than I ever was. I know it was petty to give back everything that I did but I needed to make a point. I needed you to see for a second how much this has hurt me. Because you have made it clear to me just how much you have been hurt by everything that I've done. So I need you to understand. I love you. And you picked him. You said you would wait but you lied. I told you I wanted you now and you still couldn't trust me. You still couldn't give me a reason to trust you again. The way you have been acting, randomly saying I'd be happier with someone else before shutting me out completely, getting angry and jealous when I so much as talk to any of my friends, and trying to make me feel bad for actually opening up to them, is the same way I would act if I was hiding something from someone. You have been acting how I would when I am keeping someone in the dark. And that terrifies me. Ive told you so many times about how easily I am used and how important honesty is but I can't believe anything you say because you've lied to me a few times so what's real anymore? I need you to understand that being trapped in a situation where I can't talk to you out of fear of upsetting you with my feelings and where I also can't talk to other people out of fear of upsetting you has been hurting me so much. This has hurt. I am hurt. I'm hurting so much over this that I can hardly look at you. I can't stand this. You made me promise that I wouldn't let you push me away but you never said you would make it this difficult. I can only fight for so long to stay in the life of someone that I don't feel wants me in it anymore. So there. Thats everything I could think of. These are all of my feelings. Do with them what you will. Having expressed myself, I will continue to be and will always be as good of a person as I can be. If you need help or need someone to talk to I'm still here and maybe one day we will be friends again. But I can not and I will not hold onto this relationship with you. I love you but we are drastically unhealthy for each other. We shut down and push each other away and I can not do it anymore. I can't build a relationship with someone I can't trust. Not again. So if you need me you know where I am. Otherwise I hope that he makes you happy enough that when you go to sleep at night you don't have to think about whether or not you made the right choice.

#druid #this is it #im burying my heart #madman #rant

[survivorindia]

Disturbing Patrons with my Mental Breakdown- Kendall (Episode 8)

Okay, soooo. I'm pretty sure all of the returnees threw the challenge RIGHT OUT THE FUCKING WINDOW in order to vote out the minority newbies... Aka me.... So, I'm pretty pissed off as it's evident that I'm the only one who actually TRIED at this challenge, when I clearly shouldn't have because I'm extremely sick with strep and should be sleeping all day. SOOO, that was a huge waste of my time and I'm pretty pissed about it... But it's fine, bitches. Satan will see you in hell <3 :*

OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD WE JUST THREW THE CHALLENGE. I have never thrown a challenge before and that was terrifying. If this backfires on me i'm gonna look like a moron but I have good faith. Hopefully bye bye Ruben, Worst case scenario bye bye Casey, Worst-Worst case scenario bye bye allies, and Worst-Worst-Worst case scenario bye bye Jordan

i definitely picked my tribe with the intention of screwing someone over. i think things have revealed themselves nicely on where loyalties still lie, and while one or two people might think they're in the driver's seat, i'm in a good position to shift the gears without them noticing. and that means their car will crash and we all die. hehe.  i'm prepared to make a move if we lose immunity, but im not letting that happen. i want to win this one just so i can be safe one more round. figure things out a little more. let tea spill. but i'm not going to let myself make the same mistakes and spill my guts to anyone willing to listen. i'll keep information to myself. i know i'm on the bottom of the returnees alliance and probably the newbies one, too. but i'm content for right now, because ultimately the returnees will start to fall. we'll be picked off one by one. dom wants to throw immunity, and sometimes its not a bad idea to do that, but this round, it needs to not happen. ruben will likely go home but i dont think he trusted me in the first place, so it's his time. sorry.

i'll take his position if he does. lexi needs a #2 and its between robin and myself. i respect robin bc they were there for me when i had no one else there for me. i feel like i've known them for years, but we just met and thats powerful. i have a powerful bond to this person. they're important to me. but this is also a game and i know my competition when i see it. if they have to go at my expense of making it another day, i'll do it.  idk if im still a villain or if im becoming a hero. i think that's up for determination. 

LOOOL WILD TRIBAL. BUH-BYE, JULIA. GLAD I DIDN'T SEE YOU AHAHAHAAAAA

This is oh so sweet. If everything goes well, bye bye, Ruben! This one's for Johnny.

Can i just say........ HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA FUCK YOU JAIDEN FUCK YOU DOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOLY FUCK SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED SINCE JULIA LEFT. Lets get down to brief overview and how i feel about it  1) Julia gets voted off.....SO MAD 2) Alex, Dom, Jaiden are in clear alliance of three, split the tribes up so everyones pair is separated...so basically...jordan and I are gone, casey and ash, ruben and lexi ...u get the point. 3) They put me on a tribe to fuck me over...im gone when they make these tribes and I come back to the ugliest tribe ever. Jaiden. Robin. Dom. Lexi. Alexis. Ashley and I. Now Ash and I are just sitting there like.................................i – i- this plan is so obvious??!?!? and do those three boys think its not obvious their together and they did this on purpose to FUCK ME OVER!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??! um why u so obsessed with me BACK OFF 4) Ashley calls me at work during the comp and TELLS ME DOM IS TRYING TO THROW THE COMPITITION..................to say that the reason hes doing that is to save casey....thats right CASEY. YA RIGHT DOM FUCK OFF WHO DO U THINK WE ARE..........................now lets talk about this because ...................bitch u really want to try me!?! I know those three boys arent as stupid as their moves are coming off!?!? but do they think this is believable!?!?!? Seriously? Im kinda confused because a) They vote julia equalling in jordan and i coming full force on them.....like if ur gonna go for the two headed snake ....dont go for its tail? Sorry but julia was just a number. Jordan and I are the ones who game talk together and as much as i hate playing with him...i love playing with him if that makes any sense. b) you want to throw a competition...to what? To get me out? um....do you underestimate jordan , kendall and I? Yea were on two different tribes but its clearly obvious im fucked over. As if they wouldnt throw this comp.  5) We win immunity....and you would think the way ppl were acting was as if we lost. But it was so obvious everyone of them threw that and im PISSED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [7:00:19 PM] jaiden: that's fucking bullshit [7:00:24 PM] jaiden: I went back and CORRECTED myself [7:00:26 PM] jaiden: i'm pissed [7:00:36 PM] jaiden: I'm glad we won but FUCK. THAT. [7:09:57 PM] Sarah: ARENT U HA;PPPYYY [7:10:00 PM] Sarah: YUHJGEDSXF [7:10:08 PM] jaiden: that would've been sooooooo bad sarah [7:10:19 PM] jaiden: I would've felt like SHIT if we had to go to tribal all because I made a simple mistake ............Jaiden................You had the lowest score on our tribe. And you think i didnt know I was going if we lost?.... “Simple mistake” mhm HUNTY I BELIEVE U FOR SURE Now its kinda obvious what dom is doing and honestly......................................fuck u wtf do u think ur doing being a better player than me? I cant wait till i vote ur ass out. Please take it as a compliment Actually...wait  no fuck u binch face motherfuck i hate u anyways so i was thinking that if we lost immunity ...i could come up with a plan. Jordan gives me the idol, it will be publicly shared, Jaiden will immediately come to me freaking out because hes being a fake ass, asking if jordan gave me the idol...I will tell him (in confidence HAHHAHAHAHAHA) that jordan gave me a fake one and that i only did it so people are scared to vote me out. He'll tell dom so they dont switch votes on Ashley. Then when I get majority votes ill idol out my votes, ashley puts one vote on me, i put one vote on dom so it ties. So if dom plays his idol it will be WASTED ANYWAYS. But if they split votes then ill be safe who cares if ashley goes home. Because im safe and in f13!!!!!!!!!! and hopefully merge happens soon so i can stop doing this. But its ok bc im gonna pray kendall and jordan throw the next comp. Honestly I love Kendall so much I want a f2 with her now that Julia is gone. So watch out for that in the future. http://i.imgur.com/D8kFHyf.gif DONT MESS WITH ME I WILL SELL MY SOUL JUST TO MAKE SURE I MAKE MERGE

Candle added Jordan Pines to this conversation.  From: Candle Jordan you know I adore you Sent on: 2:10 pm  From: Jordan Pines oh no Sent on: 2:10 pm  From: Candle But if you want to make a group chat, do it yourself Sent on: 2:10 pm From: Candle From: Jordan Pines hahahaha Sent on: 2:10 pm From: Jordan Pines this callout XDDDDDD Sent on: 2:10 pm  I couldn't have said that better myself Sent From: Candle Kay well I’ve made my point so get off my lawn you damn youngings Sent on: 2:11 pm Candle has removed Jordan Pines from this conversation Candle has removed Gavin from this conversation  AYYYYYYYE. YES. KENDALL. YES.

I hate getting lied to at Tribal Councils, but Julia left which is actually a good thing and kind of my fault oops. It's Kendall all over again in Malaysia. 

 But yeah, things got messy but I got to pick my tribe for the tribe swap. Jaiden and I got on call and decided we were going to split everyone up (Sarah/Jordan, Ruben/Lexi, Casey/Dom), so that's really fun and exciting. It'll be neat to see how everything goes with the pairs being split. Gavin and I are still together which is sweet. 

 I'm pissed about the vote count at Tribal. Jaiden ruined my no vote streak, but at least he did it on Day 87 for me not getting votes, which is my favorite number. 

I haven't been having fun in India and I never really knew why. It wasn't as though I was losing, it wasn't as though I was in any danger. I was just bored... it felt like something was missing, aside from my soul. So I had a heart to heart with myself over a cup of coffee. I went up to me and said "Me, what's wrong? I've been acting sadder then I usually am, what's wrong egg?" I simply gave myself a shrug and sadly responded "I dunno, I really want to have fun but something is missing... it feels like I am going through the motions," I gave myself a sad sigh. "Oh me, what am I going to with I? How am I going to win a game that I don't have the will to even play," It was at this time I was politely, but sternly, asked to leave by the Starbuck's Barista because I was "disturbing patrons with my mental breakdown," Which was bullshit by the way, I've had like 6 mental breakdown and they are not nearly as tame as me talking to myself. And so, as I argued with the barista and as threatened to call the cops, I had a realization. I have been experiencing the human emotion known as 'pouting'. I have given up because I felt like I had no opportunity to get to the end, that I was either going to get dragged as a goat or voted pre merge. But I have things I can use to my advantage. I don't have to lie down and play dead. If I just pretend to be a good little soldier until merge, reconvene with Sarah and some others, I could do something incredible. For now I just need to play nice. I have decided to stick with my allies. Not because I suddenly grew a brain. Not because I felt some sort of kinship with them or 'friendship'. It's just the best thing I can do Here is an elaboratation on my reasoning the form of a chart: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1qPAkC4IhbNWgE2II29QqNaQFR1rgckfBEK_yKCOat5A/edit?usp=sharing 

Oh right, I almost forgot to mention during my ego maniacal ramblings. We are going to probably through the challenge to save Sarah (For strictly strategic purposes... I promise). I say probably because nothing has been confirmed. TBH if we lose, even if it is unintentionally, I'm about 80% sure Jordan Pines will claim that he meant to do it. Welp that's a common side effect of working with a narcissist. What are you gonna do?

Okay so FUCK this tribe swap. I am literally stuck on a tribe of people I have like never even spoken to, that is my fault of course, but damn how did I get so unlucky? Jaiden says he chose me because I am good in challenges and that I am a nice person, I mean that is nice and all but I am now separated from Gavin, Jordan, Alex, literally anyone who I actually liked and was hoping to really get to work with. This counting challenge is also a goddamn mess. Dom has gotten us like -25,000 points already ON PURPOSE. He tells me he likes me and isn't coming after me, but that leaves only two other returnees on our tribe that he could go after; Jaiden and Sarah. Sarah is kind of certain that Jaiden and Dom are working together, which kind of goes against the whole "newbies vs. villains" thing they are trying to start. But who knows. I can only hope the guys on the other tribe will also try throwing some challenges to give Sarah and I a chance over here on this tribe. They don't want newbies to have majority either.

Jaiden picked me to be on his tribe so that was perfect because I really did not want to be on the other tribe. Lexi spoke to me a bit and let me know that Ruben talked highly of me and how she was fond of me for that reason Robin's nice Jaiden's cool and we've both wanted to be on the same tribe for quite a while now so that finally happened Ashley rarely ever speaks to me and forgets to reply constantly Sarah only now started talking to me a bit more since she believes she's in the minority and Jordan probably said she could flip me Dom is a bit suspicious at times but I believe he trusts me and that he wants to take the newbies far I lost it again last night after the results, I should have done my confessional then but everyone already assumes I'm already crazy so maybe we'll save that for later. I feel a bit more calm now but last night I wanted to request tribal and still do sort of but I don’t think it’s possible. I wish I threw the challenge since I hate when the other tribe gets what they want and I don’t want Ruben to go. I like this Lexi, Robin, Dom group going on so I am hoping to solidify that soon and I think they assume it’s newbies vs returnees still. I’m hoping that by some miracle, a returnee gets voted out and apparently Dom just handed Ruben an idol. I believe Jordan assumes I’m closest with him still and that’s why Sarah has been trying to talk to me more lmao! I like Jordan so we'll see where that goes but he's controlling a huge part of the game as of now. Sarah should have tried a bit earlier to speak to me because now it seems like desperation, but I’ll keep playing this middle role, it amuses me. Sarah said she only really talks to Ashley so that's nothing new since I assumed she was close with her from that returnee alliance before the swap. Here’s to hoping the next challenge is something easily thrown so we can finally say goodbye to Sarah or Ashley :)

That was honestly a messy challenge result. I don't necessarily blame anyone for throwing though. I didn't know I was in the negatives so I'm sure everyone probably made mistakes they didn't catch. I'm worried for Ruben. He's the only one from my old alliance on the other tribe. Dom gave him his idol though so he'll hopefully be safe. On another note, I've been talking to the other Lexi. To be honest, if started off because I confused her for lexi my ally. We're getting along pretty well. She's definitely someone I'd like to work with in the future. Jaiden's also pretty cool so I have my bases covered once we go to tribal

#youdontgetmycrownjustcause