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joeinfurnari · 4 years

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My Dinner with Andre

My Dinner with Andre might be one of the most difficult movies for many viewers to watch. The artsy crowd would call it minimalist while the more lowbrow among us would say it’s boring! There’s just so little to it that there is a valid case for both. The story is simply a struggling young playwright, Wally agrees to meet an acquaintance, Andre, for dinner at a nice restaurant in decaying New York city and conversation ensues. The end. But like so many things in life, My Dinner with Andre gives you so much more if you really listen closely. I recently watched it again and I forgot just how great it is and how it continues to speak to us today.

It’s so stark and unapologetic about being without plot that it’s become the subject of many pop culture parodies. I know there is a Simpson’s reference to it but I most enjoyed the episode of Community that spoofs it. You may think that this comes from a place of common dislike for the movie but it’s actually the opposite. The parodies just prove how influential and beloved it is. Why? For me, the appeal is the conversation itself. It’s been celebrated for being a complete fiction that does a great job at coming across as a documentary but that’s just appreciation on a formal level. It’s not just that they had a conversation that’s important, it’s what they talk about that matters. The content of that discussion is so important, the writers and filmmaker felt it merited being the subject of a film without any distraction. To say that Louis Malle created My Dinner with Andre for the iconoclasm alone, misses the point.

The two men seated at dinner are artists/playwrights and catch up on the long period since they last encountered each other. They’re not really friends and Wally even debates cancelling the dinner before ultimately opting to go. He’s a working writer and artist making ends meet in New York City while Andre has had a long hiatus from creative life spent on travel and self examination. Wally confirms their community speculation that Andre has money that allows his adventures. Andre at first spends dominates the conversation with anecdotes about mutual acquaintances and talks about some of the retreats and workshops he’s attended recently. Andre has dropped out of the arts and has been on a personal quest to find himself after becoming disillusioned with his life.

In the time since they last spoke Andre describes a crisis in his creative life. He left the theater and traveled to Poland where he spent time with strangers in the woods creating experimental theater. He didn’t speak or understand Polish and they didn’t understand English but the time spent together was transformative. What began for him as creative exploration in the woods forced him to act as himself and in so doing he was forced to examine his life and how he acts when he plays himself:

So, you follow the same law of improvisation…which is that you do whatever your impulse, as the character, tells you to do…but in this case, you are the character. So there's no imaginary situation to hide behind…and there's no other person to hide behind. What you're doing, in fact, is you're asking those same questions…that Stanislavsky said the actor should constantly ask himself as a character:

Who am I? Why am I here? Where do I come from, and where am I going?

But instead of applying them to a role, you apply them to yourself.

Andre tells more stories of his spiritual and creative adventures. For him, his journey to this dinner has been full of magic, mystery, serendipity and travel to exotic locations including India and even a Saharan Oasis. The restaurant is quite nice but it is still remarkably banal compared to Andre’s monstrous hallucinations and descriptions of his process of personal exploration. It culminates in a description of being buried alive in Montauk, NY. From that point on, Andre becomes surprised by his own reactions to things in his life. He even begins to look at himself and the sort of person who would spend his time the way he has. People in his life who he called friends, repulse him. Figures on television appear to be objectively horrible people. He says,

And I suddenly had this feeling I was just as creepy as they were…and that my whole life had been a sham…

…

I mean, I really feel that I'm just washed up, wiped out. I feel I've just squandered my life.

Moments later he goes on to say,

Well, you know, I may be in a very emotional state right now, Wally.…but since I've come back home I've just been finding the world we're living in…more and more upsetting.

It’s as though Andre has a new perception of the world that is in stark contrast to his former self. He’s alone in this perspective until he sees a woman working in the theater who recognizes the trouble on his face. Where everyone else he encountered commented on how great he looked, this woman somehow knew by looking at him, the emotional state he was in. Because of this woman’s recent loss of her mother, she was able to see him clearly. Andre says,

She didn't know anything about what I'd been going through. But the other people, what they saw was this tan, or this shirt…or the fact that the shirt goes well with the tan.

So they said, " Gee, you look wonderful." Now, they're living in an insane dreamworld.

They're not looking.

That seems very strange to me. Right, because they just didn'ts ee anything, somehow.…except, uh, the few little things that they wanted to see.

All of this has resonated with me very personally. I similarly feel as though my perspective on the world has shifted and it has made me incompatible with things as they are and people who aren’t looking. It’s as though my prior life was a dream, honestly. When I think of how I thought about the world and other people for most of my life, I also hate that prior self. I agree with Andre that that earlier version of myself inhabited an insane dreamworld. Andre describes it using the example of his dying mother. Although she was terminally ill and appeared only minutes away from death, the specialist was beaming at all the progress she was making. For this doctor, he had so narrowed his goals/perception to her arm that any healing on that front was cause for celebration. Insane.

I mean, we're just walking around in some kind of fog. I think we're all in a trance. We're walking around like zombies. I don't…I don't think we're even aware of ourselves or our own reaction to things.

We…We're just going around all day like unconscious machines…and meanwhile there's all of this rage and worry and uneasiness…just building up and building up inside us.

And later, Andre continues to describe this state of mind:

Isn't it amazing how often a doctor…will live up to our expectation of how a doctor should look? When you see a terrorist on television, he looks just like a terrorist. I mean, we live in a world in which fathers…or single people, or artists…are all trying to live up to someone's fantasy…of how a father, or a single person,or an artist should look and behave.

They all act as if they know exactly how they ought to conduct themselves…at every single moment…and they all seem totally self-confident.

For two men involved in theater, they are approaching the idea that who we fashion ourselves to be, is selected from clearly defined character behaviors and appearance. For an actor, it must be disturbing for there to be no leap between the actor and the character. Why is it that someone who adopts the role of artist in real life, chooses to look like what we expect? As average people in our world, we’re acting our roles as they have been defined for us by someone else. This should be alarming to everyone and not just Andre and Wally.

I mean, we just put no value at all on perceiving reality. I mean, on the contrary, this incredible emphasis that we all place now.…on our so-called careers…automatically makes perceiving reality a very low priority…because if your life is organized around trying to be successful in a career…well, it just doesn't matter what you perceive or what you experience. You can really sort of shut your mind off for years ahead, in a way. You can sort of turn on the automatic pilot.

How many of us are doing this right now? I did it for many years, always overlooking the here and now for some future reward that all of it was building towards. I also think if your focus is on a career, it’s less on the experience and wisdom needed to fully embody that role. This is why this is such a great film. It may not wow you with realistic explosions but it challenges you to question your view on your life and your world. You shouldn’t be content with the way things are. If you are, you are part of a very fortunate few and you may be overlooking much of the world to do so.

people's concentration is on their goals.…in their life they just live each moment by habit.

…

And if you're just operating by habit…then you're not really living. I mean, you know, in Sanskrit, the root of the verb " to be".…is the same as " to grow" or " to make grow. "

This is something I think about a lot. I live as a cartoonist dedicated to writing and drawing and designing and promoting and tweeting and posting and editing etc. in a driving need to produce, produce, produce. Am I really living? I don’t think so. It’s okay to admit it. This wasn’t a world of my creation but if I’m alive and active in it, I can change it. This film gave me a way to understand the things that I’ve gone through over the last few years. Without art, I wouldn’t have evidence that others have been where I stand. I feel less alone and more hopeful.

Wally talks about the need for escapism and comfort from art against the harsh reality of every day life. The choice is to create art that is comforting but for all its warmth, fails to acknowledge reality and might contribute to a collective disengaging with reality and most importantly, each other.

…we're starving because we're so cut off from contact with reality…that we're not getting any real sustenance,'cause we don't see the world. We don't see ourselves. We don't see how our actions affect other people.

This is heady stuff, for sure. All of this is to get us thinking about the nature of our lives and really see the things we’ve chosen for ourselves. To truly be free is to be able to think outside the characters and roles defined for us…even the ones we think we chose but didn’t create. Only by looking at ourselves honestly and as objectively as possible can we see how far from our own humanity we have come. Andre went through a personal crisis in which he went through a dramatization of his own death and rebirth. The fresh eyes this has given him as illuminated a very dark reality. There are no fancy distractions in this film because it is a battle cry for humanity’s future. Under the guise of a polite conversation about things most average people would discount as having no bearing on reality is actually about a fundamental reality that has changed without our conscious consent. His advise:

Get out of here.

…

the 1960s.…represented the last burst of the human being before he was extinguished…and that this is the beginning of the rest of the future, now…and that from now on there'll simply be all these robots walking around…feeling nothing, thinking nothing. And there'll be nobody left almost to remind them.…that there once was a species called a human being…with feelings and thoughts…and that history and memory are right now being erased…and soon nobody will really remember.…that life existed on the planet.

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badfanfics · 5 years

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fallback - chapter four

series masterlist

chapter four: our forever this december (december 2017)

the story was previously called untitled

in honor of me getting the results i needed for my dream uni, i rlly wanted to post this today (but it may also be rushed, so i apologise -- i’ve been struggling on this chapter for a few days now and just kinda gave up on writing it and writing it and writing it over and over again +++ the next few chapters are some of my favorite things i wrote)

Four months.

It’s been four months since Tom has kissed her. It’s been four months of radio silence – no small talk or polite congratulations like before, even when Bea posted news of her rescued, therapy dog named Winnie (short for Winston) however Logan received congratulations when she posted news for her newly adopted retriever (named Gracie). Winnie, not only recommended by her therapist, was technically a maid of honor gift from Logan, who paid the adoption fees and the initial supply of food.

With that in mind, it’s been four months of Bea spending the days with Noah and the nights dreaming of Tom.

Since August, Bea and Noah were inseparable due to being press partners for the last leg of the promotional tour in South-East Asia. South-East Asia was beautiful – even Winnie loved the adventure – but Bea needed to keep busy, she needed space from Noah. It was her coping mechanism.

It’s like this anecdote she told her therapist; working kept her driving, but once she stops – she has to go back and make sure nothing in the back seat or trunk broke. With that in mind, if she is driving full speed (which she is now doing), then the sudden of stop will only bolt the suitcases at the driver seat.

In this case, driving prevented her from observing and noticing her personal doubts outside the window; which happen to be the doubts about her and Noah’s relationship, which only hammers into her head every time she has a free moment to think about Tom.

Unfortunately, she dreamt of Tom every night. These dreams only became toxic for her everyday life. In particular, when Noah received news that he’ll be playing Peter Kavinsky in Netflix’s new film called ‘To All The Boys I Loved Before’, Bea tried to do something special for him.

To all the boys I loved before, she scribbled onto a gift card, you’ll never be as fantastic as the man I have today. Writing that felt like a lie. She felt spiders crawl underneath her skin, crawling up to her head until she ripped the gift card apart. She knew a similar letter that would only be speaking truth; to the man I loved before, I can’t stop loving you.

The dreams could be reminiscent of nightmares; flashing close-ups of Tom and all the things she love about him, a hazy – dream like quality that seemed to be old tape on film, a new magical location, him repeatedly exclaiming ‘I love you’ – the three words she always wanted to hear him say but had to leave when he actually had the guts to say it.

She was sprinting down an imaginary mall – Tom beside her as they challenged each other to be the first one outside to the amusement park right outside. “You fucking rascal!” Tom called, laughing as he tripped her. Due to being a dream, Bea landed straight in his arms – laughing her head off. “Yeah, that’s what you get for getting a head start, you cheat.” Tom pressed his lips against hers.

Cheating. Could this be considered infidelity? Sure, this is happening in her imaginative world – but this is emotional cheating, isn’t it? Bea was conflicted. She loved Noah – definitely not in the way she loved Tom – but she loved him and didn’t want to hurt him in any way. But she know she already has.

December has been marked by Bea’s agents as her hiatus month. They, specifically her main agent named Mary, had completely banned her from doing any projects or wedding planning to prevent her eventual, future burnout. This has been her busiest years yet; she has literally not spent more than a week at home or not working in the last two weeks.

Due to this forced hiatus, Bea found different ways to cope. In particular, she finally went back to her therapist in regard to her anxiety and minor depression. She started going to therapy after her parents passed away in an unfortunate circumstance, causing her to have PTSD. Eventually, the PTSD did get better over time and she has no trace of it anymore, but she has been a celebrity and a household name since she was a child. All her mistakes and all her experiences were under a magnifying glass by the media, under endless speculation and criticism. As years passed, she learnt coping methods like breathing techniques and took medication – the anxiety and depression had decreased in severity and now she goes to therapy to keep everything under check, prevent burnout, and to talk about anything bothering her (especially since she feels like she can’t talk to anyone else). But she hasn’t had time to go until the hiatus.

But this time Dr Ishani can sense something different; Bea is holding something back. But Dr Ishani cannot push. But when they did push on December 8, the therapist only recommended that Bea ‘spend time alone’ to ‘work through her thoughts’ due to the fact she was still holding back.

Her body was practically begging to work, aching to be hunched over a script – highlighting her lights and noting down character development. She was itching to be learning a new skill for a movie or to be training for some insane stunt. So, when she stopped going to therapy, she started going to the gym – finally switching her gym facility because the constant memories of Tom and her training together. Eventually, the mere action of punching a boxing bag caused her to give up and go swimming instead.

Swimming was her simpler way of coping – something her parents (and later her uncle) used to take her to do during stressful times or celebratory times in order to calm her down.

“Hey hot stuff,” Her boyfriend catcalled, “mind if we join you?” Bea popped her head out of the water once she reached the edge of the pool, terminating her series of laps. Brushing her hair out of her face, she sees Noah in a pair of trunks and Winnie in her life vest.

“Not at all.” She grinned, pushing herself off the wall as an invitation for them to jump in where she previously was. “How you doing?”

Instead of responding, Noah let out a sigh as he submerged himself into the cold water pool. “It’s so nice to see you relaxed.”

Bea chuckled, submerging herself further in the pool to force her to swim towards Noah rather than swim. “Just praising the fact that Los Angeles doesn’t get cold.” Just as Noah was crouching down to peck her lips, a plop from Winnie jumping into the pool stole Bea’s attention.

The actress jumped to her feet, walking over to her pup who now smells like wet dog.

“Is she coming with us to Miami?” Bea was almost offended by the question, playfully splashing water at Noah.

She held the soaked dog next to her face, Winnie peppering kisses on her face as she spoke. “The reason I got a smaller dog, was not only because she’s cute, but because she can travel with me. I did so much research into the Havanese, and they’re so good for travelling – so of course.”

Noah kneeled down in an attempt to submerge himself further into the water. “So, we’re gonna see Logan and William tomorrow before flying out to Miami for Christmas, New York for the few days after, and then back here for the New Years Eve party?”

“First of all, ew Florida.” Bea teased, earning herself a splash of water in his face. “Second of all, all correct. Thirdly, and finally, ew we’re going to be on and off planes so much in such a short period of time.”

The brown-haired boy became bewildered, “Bruh,” He breathed out, “you’re literally flying all the time anyway.” She could attribute this disgust for flying, which replaced her usual love for travelling, due to meeting Noah’s family for the first time.

Bea rolled her eyes, before wrapping her arms around his neck. She took him by surprise, jumping on his knees – making them both fall into the water, laughing.

This whole month felt like it was lasting forever; Bea, although right now hating the thought of flying, cannot wait to actually do something that itches her need to do something new or do something that is reminiscent of her work. She did her best at forgetting about her doubts; gymming, swimming, talking to Logan every day, making sure Noah is constantly with her – but Tom always comes back to her.

The next day, Ray – Bea’s personal security guard and close friend - went to Bea’s two bedroom home and picked up the suitcases while they were out with Logan and William.

“Okay, so the New Years bash – I made you a dress.” Logan enthused, “so you better come to my place before you go to their’s.”

The New Years bash is one of the most celebrated events in Los Angeles, surrounded by paparazzi and has a guest list for ages. This will be Logan’s first time attending and she’s, what she calls, ‘crazy excited’ for the event while Bea – Bea is excited for the moment her head hits the pillow when she gets back.

“Babe,” She smiled, “you didn’t have to.” Bea, sure – didn’t want to go, but she’s going for Logan. She hasn’t seen Logan this excited since William has proposed. Since then, she’s been busy wedding planning or spending hours making up for her future honeymoon time for her boss. It’s the reason she hasn’t been joining her for the ‘Titans’ press tour or even the filming.

Noah looked over to William, “Are you coming too?”

William gave a soft smile, knowing that Noah and him only met a few months ago. “Nah, if any photos come out of me in a party like that, I may lose credibility as a lawyer.” He noted, “Plus, I’m much more of a homebody. Logan is magnetized to homebodies and tries her best to drag them out.”

Logan rolled her eyes at the comment. “It’s not my fault you two hate parties.”

William and Bea gave each other a ‘this is bullshit’ look, before bursting out laughing because of an inside joke between the two. The joke concerns Logan’s craziness when drunk which only further repels them from attending.

“Oh shut up, you two.” Logan quickly switched the conversation, “So, Miami – you excited?”

Noah smirked, “I’m so excited for her to meet my family.” Bea’s face, although nodding, was showing her obvious tell towards Logan and Logan made a mental note to ask her about it when she got back. “Taylor was her biggest fan at one point.”

Bea gave out a half-hearted chuckle. She didn’t want to meet his family. She didn’t want to push anything. Yes, they’ve been dating for a year; an anniversary they celebrated just last week with a replica of their first date, but everything was moving too fast for her.

Maybe I moved on too fast, she told herself – even if she knew she ‘moved on’ too fast. But then again, she questioned if she can even use the phrase move on.

“So, wedding – “ Bea changed topics after half-heartedly agreeing with Noah, which Logan can see her nibbling on her bottom lip. Bea can lie effortlessly – after all, she’s an actress. But when she’s not acting or not assigned to play with a false story or technically not true story, she’s nibbling on her bottom lip. Bea’s uncle actually pointed it out to Logan after Bea stopped going to therapy and he didn’t believe she was alright “Your mom and dad had emailed me about your registry. Are you sure that’s everything on it? I don’t want to post it until everything is on it.”

Logan rolled her eyes. The two used to never switch topics out of what felt like nowhere. They used to hound each other until they opened up everything. This wasn’t the same Bea she knew a year ago.

After the conversation became more awkward and silent – two characteristics that never were applied to the trio’s or the duo’s old conversations, Bea called for the bill. “We should probably head out and g et to the airport and make sure everything’s good with Winnie.”

“Alright babe, have a safe flight and merry Christmas” Logan let her off. She made a mental note to talk to her about this when she gets back.

Bea suddenly remembered something she put in her bag. “Oh shit, thanks for reminding me.” Bea pulled out a gift for both William and Logan – a tradition that came out from living with Logan for what felt like forever. It was a his and hers gift. “Do not open it until Christmas or I’ll kill you both.” The two chuckled, before swearing on their lives.

Due to her uncle having moved to New York, Bea usually flies to New York for Christmas or the day after. That said, if she doesn’t fly to New York – she spends her Christmas with Logan, who usually opts out of Christmas with her boyfriend’s family due to their snobby outlook on her and can’t go celebrate with her family as they moved all the way to the Philippines a few years back. So Logan and Bea don’t visit them often and when they do – it’s over the summer for a sort of vacation. The duospend the morning having a small breakfast, they have a medium sized lunch with William, and then they let William off for Christmas dinner. Despite his family’s snobbish attitudes, since William and Logan are getting married, Logan has been obligated to go now. Despite Logan’s obvious hatred for them, William’s family makes her miss her parents and wonder what would’ve happened if they raised her.

---

The flight to Miami felt never ending.

The hostesses practically fawned over the two. This was the first time Bea rode a budget airlines in ages and it was just not professional. Like, yes, they’re fans – Bea loves talking to them. But they came over to her every ten seconds, offering some sort of drink, even if she had her sleeping mask on. At one point, Winnie even barked at them.

“I just hate being fawned over.” Bea mumbled as Noah laughed, pulling the shared luggage behind them as Bea sleepily hugged his other arm – Winnie walking on a leash in front of them, the leash tied around Bea’s wrist. “Like I’m just like them! I’m just a person who needs sleep. Oh God, sleep. Can we meet your family tomorrow in the morning rather than tonight? I’m so tired.” Bea whined, both wanting to push back meeting them whilst making up for sleep.

“Uh, try not getting awake from the flashes up ahead.” Noah pointed out to the big group of paparazzi who had formed outside.

Bea groaned, “How do they find out I’m travelling?” Noah chuckled, pulling out of Bea’s embrace and letting go of the suitcase to open his hand carry backpack and passing them both hats he packed for this occasional. “I love you.” Bea said appreciatively, slipping on the basketball cap and tilting it to hide her sleep deprived face. She didn’t want Tom to know she’s meeting his parents.

Leaning down, she picked up her dog – who gets quite anxious by the series of lights. She blocked out her view, holding her close in a hug and making sure Noah is right behind her, thus blocking Winnie’s eyes from direct flashes. “Protect our child!” Noah exclaimed, making the both of them chuckle – Bea more tired than him. “I would carry you like I normally do but…” He motioned to the suitcase, making her roll her eyes. As much as she pretended to hate being thrown over his shoulder, it was one of the ways he made her fall for him.

Noah managed to book an AirBnB a street away from his parents house. As soon as they got there – after Bea fed and walked Winnie - Bea passed out onto the bed from exhaustion whilst Noah quickly dropped by his parent’s house to explain why Bea isn’t currently there.

A figure and herself walked down a familiar-looking hotel hallway to a door number that has now been obscured. Being here felt like a memory, rather than a dream.

“Mum and Dad, this is Bea.” Tom’s voice. “Bea, this is my Mum and Dad.”

It started out like the memory, but quickly took a left turn.

“You’ll never be good enough for our son.” The twisted version of the sweetest woman alive said, her voice seeming to go through distortions. “He will walk out on you. He’ll never love you.”

When the twisted version of his hilarious father started opening his mouth, he pushed her instead. She fell back into another room, this time with Noah and his family – who were staring at her expectantly.

“Do you love me?” Noah’s voice was haunting, repeating itself over and over again.

“Do you love our son?” His parents demonically screamed, over and over again. Suddenly, she was surrounded by all of them – Tom, Nikki, Dom, Paddy, Harry, Sam, Taylor, and Noah’s parents until Bea fell down a hole, falling and falling and falling and

“Fuck me.” Bea panted, waking up from the nightmare in sweat. She looked down at herself and forgot she hasn’t changed since yesterday afternoon. She saw Noah beside her, almost cuddling into her. She saw the outside window and saw the sun retreating from darkness and back into the sky. Panting, Bea started trying to regulate her breath; and it happened as soon as she saw Winnie’s head pop up, turning slightly, as if detecting something was wrong.

Bea pat her lap, wanting to cuddle her puppy before she took a quick shower and made an attempt to look presentable. The puppy peppered her with kisses, despite her face marked with sweat. “I love you too.” She mumbled into the pup’s ear, only granting her more and more dog kisses. Lifting the Havanese dog up temporarily, she let Winston rest on her pillow before escaping to take a cold, cold shower.

----

The actress was nibbling on a snack she bought at the airport, meaning to eat it as a snack after meeting his family but the pack of m&ms quickly became her breakfast instead.

“Good morning candy-girl.” A voice pulled Bea out of her thoughts and her anxious nibbling. “How was your sleep?”

Bea smiled, “Okay. How was yours? Happy to see your family?”

“They’re ecstatic to meet you.” He grinned with his signature smile. “I told them to expect us for dinner because you’ve never properly been around Miami.” Bea praised the lord that the meeting was pushed up once more.

So that’s what they did – Bea, Winnie, and Noah explored Miami, from all the crooks and crannies that Noah found as a child or his favorite places to visit. Bea loved this more than any tourist tour – she loved knowing what a local felt like or trying her best to understand the footprint as it is, without the shoe’s print that the media creates for them.

Eventually, the sun went down, telling the group to make their way to their family’s house for the Christmas eve dinner.

The whole dinner, Taylor spent the whole time fawning over a celebrity she and her friends idolized for years whilst her parents were trying their best to catch up with their son and get to know his girlfriend. However, Bea was obviously feeling awkward and like she didn’t belong.

Eventually, the dinner was over.

“So, sorry if this is insensitive, but do you personally celebrate Christmas?” His mother asked Bea as she approached the older woman at the kitchen with the dirty dishes.

Bea had a hard time explaining this constantly. “In a way I suppose. I mean, I’m not religiously catholic or Christian. In fact, I’m actually an agnostic.” She started, going to the drying station of the kitchen, “but my uncle raised me whilst learning different beliefs. I’m pretty sure one year we followed Buddhist beliefs, and another year we followed Jewish beliefs due to our ancestors, but my Aunt Susan and my father celebrated Christmas – so my uncle and my mother would always make sure Christmas was the one tradition we never forgot about. Easter, meh. But Christmas, Christmas was the real holiday.” She smiled, “It’s not a religious celebration for me, but a celebration to appreciate family and friends and those who love you.”

Noah smiled at the answer, watching her from his place sat on the counter – thankful she decided to celebrate it with them. “She always gives her best friend a gift – and last year, when we were working together during December for Titans, she gave every crew member and cast member a gift – either a letter or a small gift or a big gift. It was always meaningful and relevant to her relationship with them though.”

So I’m a family magnet, that’s good news. She thought to herself.

She was in Miami for five days, the last day being Christmas yet every day felt longer than the day before. December really felt like forever.

Finally, she was in her New York studio she bought purely so she won’t ever bother her uncle whenever she visits in NY. It was no way near the Hamptons, but it was in Manhattan and she easily can get to the Hamptons. This was also because she knows her old bedroom doubles as the kid’s playroom and she doesn’t want to interfere with their playing.

Unfortunately, they’d only be in New York for just slightly over two days. Noah wanted to get back to Los Angeles as soon as possible and prioritized his own family. Which was fair, in Bea’s eyes. She just wishes she spent more time with her uncle, her sibling-like cousins, and her aunt.

The first night – the family had dinner. Noah was obviously comfortable with everyone, playing with the kids whilst Susan, Robert, and Bea caught up. But Robert asked Noah if he could steal his niece away the next day for a day out, something they used to do once every month. Luckily, Noah had planned to meet his co-star Lana the same day.

They did what they usually did; a breakfast of cupcakes from Magnolia Bakery. Then they went to an arcade, walked around the streets and did whatever came to mind, got a hotdog and soft serve at central park for lunch, and then visit an old theater. After the old theater, they go home and binge action movies until theyf all asleep.

Everything was the usual (not including the presence of the barking dog who ran in front of her with a bounce in her step, excited to experience a new city); the two spoke about what’s going on, feelings, any movies they’re excited to be working on or watch, any theory or online scandal – literally anything that came to mind. They usually strayed away from complicated topics, wanting an easy-going day.

Unfortunately, Robert had other plans. Once the two sat down at their usual bench in central park, Robert looked towards Bea and sighed. “What?” She chuckled, thinking her uncle was just being his usual dramatic self.

“You don’t really love him, do you?” Robert asked nonchalantly, the two of them eating sorbet hotdogs in Central Park. “You don’t seem to have the same spark you had when you were with Tom.”

Bea’s head fell into his shoulder as a response, “I don’t like talking about this.” She mumbled.

“Well, okay, but all I’m saying is you have to think about it.” He noted, “I want you to be happy, and I’m not sure if you’re happy with him.”

So, those are the moments that Bea uses to summarize her December hiatus that seemed to go one forever; giong to therapy, stopping, working out, spending time at the pool with her dog, going on dates with Noah, going on double dates, spending time with Logan and William, attempting to wedding plan, meeting Noah’s family and having an awkward talk about religion, spending time with her own family, getting confronted and avoiding it with her uncle, her uncle-niece day, and then going back home.

But as soon as she got home, she was bombarded by Logan with three dresses she created for the New Years Eve bash.

Bea was running on minimal sleep – her nightmares about Tom only recurred so she’s barely slept, she was exhausted of being around Noah – their December felt like a lifetime with him and she was now more sure than ever that Noah wasn’t the one for her, and all she wanted to do was work. Bea wanted to get home and let her head fall onto the pillow, potentially burying herself in a series of blankets and pillows for months.

Little did she know, the night was going to change everything – in particular, it was the night that changed the definition of Bea’s normal routine and feelings. It was the night she swore she fell in love with Noah again.

Yet, the night that changed everything is now a bunch of blurred memories; something Bea pushes herself to forget, similar to Noah and Bea’s forever that December.

i’m so sorry this chapter is so long and gets rushed towards the end --- this particular element of the story is important for the build up of the story but not the full story if that makes sense so i wanted one chapter on it but not much more but i also had a hard time knowing what to cut out / what to add details on.... ++ i finished the later chapters and i got too excited to post them so i wanted to get this chapter out of the way xD

i hope you like it!!! please feel free to send feedback or requests!

taglist :

@charismas-world / @athermosofsad (it didn’t let me tag you so i linked you and hoped it work?)

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tottymatsuno · 3 years

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Ah, once again Robin is experiencing terminal Todomatsu brain degration and yet he cannot fully indulge in the insanity bc... -checks notes- a newborn daughter. Well, I'll always have the tags of random peoples posts bc I don't have the time to make my own.

Would've love to finish even one fic by now but the baby takes up literally all of my time. The only time i have away is to sleep or shower or clean. 😭 I'm gonna try to schedule some time alone to idk power thru one fic or at least edit a few enough to start posting even tho theyll be all on deep hiatus for at least another few weeks. It should be enough content spamming however to get yall thru the cold tottiless nights. 🥺

Also I would love to start a few more fics bc DAMN do I have new ideas but I don't wanna start anything new when I don't have the time to commit to things like 45% finished as is plus I don't wanna wrap shit up with unsatisfing endings for the sake of being finished.

#Ik nobody is on this blog yet but I don't write fanfics near my daughter bc thatd be hella fckn weird #Cannot wait tho lol #Wanna write a few more aus I'll need to write down my ideas soon

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aniallstory-blog · 7 years

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Chapter Six

Note: I’ve been super inspired and writing up a storm this week! I wrote two whole chapters today so I decided to post another one. If it would be easier for people to follow if I posted them on a more set schedule then just let me know and I’ll figure something out!

Also, if there’s any requests for parts of Avery and Niall’s past that you’d like to read about feel free to make suggestions and I’ll see if I can fit them in! :)

A week later I found myself wandering through Dublin airport, my eyes peeled for any sign of Niall. It was a bit ridiculous, we were flying in from completely different countries after all, but I was eager to see him and his flight did land only ten minutes before mine. After our conversation last weekend when he was drunk, Niall had suddenly become much more mushy and romantic. He was always open about his feelings, we both were, but there were times when he was away that he would take it to another level. There were novel length text messages telling me how much I mean to him, constant admissions of love and selfies almost every time I checked my phone. He missed me and I was soaking it up. After the doubts had started to creep in about Niall's desire to marry me, his sudden overly affectionate attitude was just what I needed.

“Avery! Over here!” I heard the voice of my future mother-in-law call out.

I turned towards her voice and spotted her through the crowd, standing with Niall's grandmother Margaret as well.

“Hello!” I smiled once I'd made my way towards them. “It's so good to see you both!”

I quickly gave them each a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

“How was your flight?” Margaret asked. “Not too bumpy I hope, it's a windy day today.”

“It wasn't too bad,” I assured her. “A bit rough on the landing, but I survived.”

“We're glad to hear that!” Maura laughed. “Can I take your bag?”

“Oh no, I'm fine, thanks.” I smiled. “Have you seen Niall yet?”

They shared a knowing smile, probably silently mocking me for how desperate I was to see him.

“His flight landed at the other terminal,” Maura explained. I hadn't even thought about that. “He said he'd walk over once he made it through passport control so he shouldn't be too long now.”

“Great,” I smiled, looking to the entrance almost as if I expected him to be there already. As I looked back towards his family, my eyes settled on a little cafe and I suddenly realized I hadn't had a coffee yet. “Would either of you like a tea or coffee? I think I'm going to grab one.”

“That sounds lovely!” Margaret agreed.

We had been sat at the table drinking our coffee (which I had insisted was my treat despite much protest) for almost twenty minutes when a very familiar voice interrupted our conversation.

“There ya are!” He said, sounding exasperated. “Been wanderin' around this terminal for ages lookin' for the three of ye.”

Apparently we'd been so caught up in our conversation that we'd forgotten to keep an eye on the door.

“Sorry, honey,” Maura apologized as I jumped out of my chair and threw my arms around him. “We weren't sure how long you'd be.”

Niall let go of his suitcase and wrapped his arms around me as well, but there was no squeeze or sign of the affection he'd been showering me with all week.

“Did ya get me a coffee at least?” He grumbled as I pulled out of our little embrace.

“I didn't want it to get cold if it took you a while to get here,” I explained. “But I can get you want now if you'd like one.”

He huffed and reached for his wallet.

“Can get it myself,” He mumbled causing me to frown and swat him as his grandmother and mother shared another knowing look. They'd obviously dealt with Niall in this mood just as often as I had.

“Don't be like that, Niall.” I chided him. “I haven't seen you in weeks, your family haven't seen you since Christmas and you're being a grump because we weren't standing by the door waiting for you?”

Niall sighed and I could see the tension ease from his shoulders.

“Sorry, Ava, you're right,” He conceded. “M'just jetlagged and cranky, didn't sleep much on the plane.”

“Well I'll warn you now then,” Maura spoke up as Niall put an arm back around me so I could snuggle into his side. “Your brother's at home. Theo's been desperate to see you since he heard you were comin'.”

I glanced up at Niall, expecting more annoyance given the tension that had risen between the two brothers over the last few years, but was relieved when he simply shrugged.

“S'okay, I can deal with him. Haven't seen Theo in far too long anyway.”

Maura's face lit up at Niall's decision to take the high road, the tension between her sons always bothering her more than she wanted to admit.

“Great, then get your coffee if you're going to and we'll be on our way.”

“Uncle Niall!” Theo screeched, running towards us as soon as we walked through the door.

“Theo!” Niall screamed back, any hint of his earlier annoyance disappearing completely as he scooped him up into his arms. “How've ya been buddy?”

“Good!” He squeaked throwing his arms around Niall's neck. “Tanks for comin' to visit!”

“Of course! Gotta come see me favourite nephew!” Niall turned so they were facing me. “And look who else came to say hi!”

“Auntie Avery!” He beamed as he leaned over to give me a hug while Niall held him up.

“Hey, Theo!” I smiled, squeezing him gently. “When did you get so big? You've grown so much since I last saw you!”

Theo giggled and buried his face in Niall's neck shyly. Niall was soaking it all up. I knew that despite his issues with his brother, he loved his nephew and would have liked to be able to see him more. He was great with kids and Theo couldn't have asked for a better uncle.

“Theo! I told you not to bombard them the moment they walked through the door!” Denise scolded as she appeared in the doorway to the kitchen.

“Sorry, Mama,” Theo mumbled sheepishly, keeping his face tucked against Niall.”Sorry, Uncle Niall.”

“S'alright, little man. I was just as excited to see ya too,” Niall assured him. “But ya gotta listen to your Ma, alright? They always know best.”

Theo nodded as Maura squeezed past the two of them.

“Well let's not stand in the doorway all day. Come sit down, leave the bags and we'll move them up to your room later.” She insisted as she walked by Denise into the living room. “Would anyone like a cup of tea?”

I followed her, ready to help as everyone chorused that they would like tea, stopping to hug Denise on my way.

A few hours later I was curled up in a corner of Maura's couch with my second cup of tea, talking with the women in Niall's family. Niall and his brother were outside with Theo playing with a little toy golf set Niall had brought over for his nephew. It was really meant to be used inside, but Theo insisted he wanted to play properly which meant Niall and Greg were spending most of the afternoon chasing after the little fake ball as it got swept away in the wind.

“Niall's so good with Theo,” Margaret mused as we looked out the window and saw Niall fall dramatically to the ground as the ball hit him square in the face. Theo ran over, giggling hysterically to make sure he was okay and Niall grabbed him and pulled him to the ground as soon as he got close enough.

“He is,” I smiled. “He's great with all kids really.”

Maura smirked and eyed me up.

“Well I wouldn't say no to more grandchildren,” She informed me causing Denise to laugh and shake her head.

“They're not even married yet,” She pointed out. “Leave the poor girl alone until after that at least. Besides, they might not even want kids.”

Maura and Margaret both looked horrified at the idea.

“We do,” I said with a laugh as I thought back to first time we'd had that conversation.

I was being uncharacteristically quiet on the drive home and I knew Niall had noticed, but there were too many thoughts racing through my mind for me to care. We'd been out at dinner with the rest of One Direction since it was the first time all the guys had been in the same city since the hiatus had started a few months ago. They were desperate not to lose touch or get too busy with their own lives so they'd made sure to schedule in a night out together when they could. I'd turned down every alcoholic drink offered to me and had barely said a word the whole time and I knew it was killing Niall, but I couldn't tell him, not until I knew for sure.

I was late. Almost an entire week. And I was terrified. I'd only been on birth control for a month so I wasn't entirely used to it, but I knew my period was supposed to start three or four days after I finished the active pills, definitely not after I started the next pack. I cursed myself for trusting it. We'd scrapped the condoms as soon as it was safe to do so and the lack of barrier had brought us closer, but now I was thinking it wasn't worth it. Obviously the pill hadn't worked and we'd made the biggest mistake of our lives.

I sighed quietly to myself and finally drew my eyes from where I'd been staring at my hands in my lap. Immediately I saw a 24 hour pharmacy on the corner of the intersection we were approaching and I knew what I needed to do.

“Pull in there,” I said before I could stop myself, my voice rough and quiet from lack of use.

“What?” Niall asked, looking shocked to hear me speak.

“Pull in there!” I repeated, louder and with more urgency, panicked that he would miss the turn.

He gave me a look that clearly told me how insane he thought I was, but did as I asked. Once we were parked, I pulled off my seat belt, but froze when he did the same.

“Wait here,” I demanded.

“What?” He asked again, his brow furrowing in confusion. “Why can't I come in with ya? Stretch me legs a bit.”

“We've only been driving for ten minutes, your legs are fine,” I insisted, my tone much harsher than I intended. “Wait here.”

Niall shook his head, but his movement stilled and I knew he'd do as I asked so I got out of the car as he mumbled something about how ridiculous I was acting.

I found the pregnancy tests quickly and silently prayed that the older man behind the counter didn't have a daughter who was obsessed with One Direction, but luckily he didn't seem to have a clue who I was and I very much doubted there would be headlines about my purchase in the morning.

When I got back to the car, the air was tense.

“Okay, we can go,” I told Niall, wrapping the bag around the box inside it so it was well hidden from view.

“Not going anywhere until you tell me what ya just bought,” Niall said sternly, his voice telling me there was no room for arguing. My stomach clenched with nerves and I felt like I was about to throw up.

“Tampons?” I offered weakly, but regretted it when I saw a flash of anger in Niall's eyes.

“Don't lie to me,” He scolded. “You've been quiet all day, couldn't even perk up around our friends and you didn't have a drop of alcohol all night. A-are ya pregnant?”

Hearing him say the word out loud combined with the nervous hesitation when he asked me made tears well up in my eyes.

“I don't know,” I admitted. “That's why I bought the test.”

“Shit,” Niall cursed as he ran a hand through his hair and that was all it took for the tears I'd been holding back all day to break through. Before Niall could even blink I was sobbing hysterically in the passenger seat of his car. “Whoa, hey. Calm down. S'gonna be okay, Ava.”

“I'm sorry,” I sobbed. “I'm so sorry. I know we didn't plan this and I know you're going to Asia with your cousins and it's such horrible timing. I don't know how it happened! I swear I didn't do it on purpose, I'm not trying to trap you!”

“Trap me? What're ya on about?” He asked, reaching out to hold my hand. “Ya don't need to trap me, m'not goin' anywhere. And I'm only goin’ to Asia for six weeks or I can cancel the whole thing if that's what ya want. We can go anytime. That's if ya even are pregnant. Let's find out before we start the waterworks, alright?”

I sniffled, wiping my eyes as I nodded. My sobs had subsided as Niall's calm voice reassured me and he rubbed my hand with his thumb.

“Sorry, I've just been holding that in all day,” I admitted through my sniffling. “I guess the dam just broke.”

“S'alright. Now let's get home and figure this out.”

The drive home was silent. Niall kept his hand in mine the whole way and I could feel the slight shake in his fingers. He was as scared as I was. I practically tore out of the car when I got to the house, but Niall was hot on my heels.

“Wait out there!” I shouted through the bathroom door as I wiggled my pants down.

Once the deed was done, I set the two tests on the counter and set the timer on my phone for five minutes.

“I thought birth control was supposed to be 99 percent effective,” Niall mumbled as I walked out of the bathroom.

He was sat on the bed, looking down at his hands as he picked at his nails and I realized that now it was my turn to reassure him a bit.

“It is, but there's always that one percent. Maybe we're just unlucky,” I pointed out. “And I know we did what they said and waited seven days before not using condoms, but maybe we should have waited eight just to be sure.”

“Well if they want ya to wait eight then they should tell ya that!” Niall practically shrieked. “Jesus Christ, ya can't change the rules like that. Not when there's so much at stake!”

“I know, Ni,” I assured him, sitting next to him. “And that might not be true, I'm just throwing out ideas. Trying to figure it out myself. I took all my pills exactly on time, I never missed a day. I think, if I am, it's just a fluke.”

I leaned my head on his shoulder, fighting back tears of my own once again.

“I must have some determined sperm,” He joked, placing his hand on my leg and squeezing gently. “But we'll get through this, alright? We have the money and I'm off work indefinitely. I'll take care of ya. I promise.”

I teared up again at his assurance, but my phone went off before I could answer him. I leapt off the bed and into the bathroom, snatching the two tests I'd taken off the counter. Both of them clearly showed one single line.

“I'm not pregnant,” I breathed out, relief filling every part of my body. “We're not having a baby.”

“Woohoo!” Niall cheered, pumping his fist in the air and actually jumping for joy. “Thank fuckin' God!”

He continued cheering and laughing for a few minutes, until he looked up and noticed my face.

“You don't have to be that happy about it,” I told him before he had time to question why I wasn't celebrating with him.

“Are ya jokin'? Don't tell me ya actually wanted to be.”

“No, no, definitely not,” I assured him. “The timing is horrible and we're still so young.”

“So what's not to be happy about then?”

“You're acting like having children with me would be the worst thing in the world.”

I was being a tad harsh, I knew it. But it had been a rough, long, emotional day and seeing his extreme reaction to me not being pregnant was a bit unsettling. We'd never talked about kids, but I wanted to have some one day and this level of reaction was making me think that maybe he didn't.

The smile on his face fell and I instantly felt bad.

“I didn't mean it like that, Ava,” He insisted, stepping towards me and reaching out for my hand. “I wanna have kids with ya, I swear. I wanna have a family and all that stuff. Just not right now. We have lots to do before then and right now m'just really relieved we don't have to deal with those things yet. M'not ready to be a dad. Can still barely take care of you and myself.”

I pulled my hand away from his and he looked hurt until I moved to wrap my arms around him.

“You're right. I'm sorry, that wasn't a fair thing for me to say.” I admitted, standing on my toes to bury my face in his neck. “It's just been a stressful day, I'm tired and cranky.”

“If you've been feelin' how I felt that last half hour all day then I dunno how you didn't kill someone,” Niall teased, nuzzling into my hair. “Ya should've told me. Shouldn't have dealt with that all by yerself.”

“I didn't want to worry you over nothing. I was going to tell you as soon as I knew, if there was something to tell.” He squeezed me tighter, but didn't reply and we stood there in silence, reflecting on what we'd just been through. After a few minutes, I spoke up again. “So you do want to have kids with me one day?”

My voice was quiet, but I knew this was an important thing to discuss and wanted to clear it up before it weighed on my mind and became a problem.

“Absolutely,” Niall was quick to assure me. “I can't wait to be a dad. Want as many little ones as you'll give me. They'll be the cutest things the world as ever seen, 'specially if they take after their Ma.”

My heart soared as his confession and I pulled back just enough to place a kiss on his lips.

“Perfect, I want lots too,” I smiled. “And just for the record, you take great care of me. Probably better than I take care of myself. You'll be the best dad ever.”

A few days later I went to the doctor just to be absolutely sure and luckily they confirmed exactly what the at home tests had said. Apparently, birth control can sometimes cause you to completely skip a period and it was just my body’s way of adjusting to it. Which was something that Niall and I both agreed should also be mentioned in the information that they give you when you first start taking the pill.

“We're definitely going to wait until after the wedding though,” I said, smiling as Niall threw Theo over his shoulder and pretended to drop him, making Theo laugh so hard we could hear it from inside.

He would be an amazing dad once we decided to have kids and seeing him laughing and playing with Theo made a tiny little part of me wish that we didn't have to wait.

#niall horan #niall horan fanfiction #niall fic #niall horan fic #niall horan fan fiction #years&years

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