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manonblaqkbeak · 3 years

Text

Dating and Goodreads

Back for Day 8-Blind date (how the hell do u guys come up with good title fics i struggle so bad lol). I wasn’t really going anywhere with this one, but when i read all of the others and saw how fun the fics were, i decided to finish this one.

also for Summertime and Fresh Strawberries, I deliberately left it blank but I can’t hold onto the secret bc two people were curious as to what happened, so i’ll let the rest of you know that aelin and rowan decided to keep summer and be a cute little family, bc im a sucker for happy endings lol (unless its angst, it’s safe to assume that all my rowaelin fics have happy endings bc they’ve all ready been thru so much and even in alt fics i need them to be happy lmao)

anyway, on to the next one. hope you enjoy!

1.8k words

cw: none

Aelin was a confident woman, something that she was proud of. But that didn't mean that there weren't times she didn't feel self-conscious or awkward and full of doubt.

Because right now, all those negative feelings were swimming inside of her.

And those feelings were just magnified today, especially since she had gotten fired only a few hours beforehand. It was utterly unexpected, she had never received any prior warnings, and while she was a fighter, Aelin didn't feel like stepping into the ring for this one. Not when her boss was a demon from hell that made life unbearable and she had to physically push herself into entering the work building.

Aelin told herself that it was for the best. She was miserable there and hated working in an office typing up the worlds most boring reports and working in a space that was entirely too drab.

But she wasn't looking forward to job hunting. Aelin was aware that she could ask her friends for favours, but if Aelin did something wrong, she didn't want it reflected back onto whoever helped her.

And she was still a little peeved over the damned argument she had online again with that haughty prick on Goodreads. Aelin wasn't sure why those arguments kept going, but each time she would post a review, White Tailed Hawk would respond, telling her that she read the book wrong and this and that and blah blah blah.

Aelin repaid the favour each time, telling him how he was wrong and he had no reading comprehension skills. And on and on it went until Aelin or whoever the fuck that guy was went back to their own lives.

Depressingly, it was the most fun she had some days.

Shaking her head, Aelin forced herself to think of the now and not of her shitty day. Still she sighed, not quite believing that she had agreed to this blind date. Couldn't believe that she had let Aedion convince her it was a good idea.

Aelin had said no at first, after Aedion had voiced his offer, and her cousin left it at that. But days went past, and he would bring up the topic of Rowan, about the things he had said that day, how his dry sense of humour took some time to get used to but once you figured it out, he was actually pretty funny, how he had finished a project perfectly and this and that.

But it got to her, annoyingly. So the other day when he was helping her out with some housework that was a two person job, Aelin told him to set up this date. Aedion cheered as if it was the best thing he had ever heard, telling her how she and Rowan were the perfect match for each other.

Aelin rolled her eyes, but didn't say anything of the assessment.

She had only agreed because it was getting frustrating being asked at every family event if she was dating someone, when she was going to give her parents grandchildren (that question pissed her off the most, as if Aelin was nothing but a birthing machine and that was all Aelin could contribute to society), and who was going to look after her when she was old if she didn't have children (because apparently carers didn't exist).

Aelin was also lonely—she could entertain herself just fine, but she did like the idea of coming home and talking to someone that could respond. She loved Fleetfoot and her enthusiasm when Aelin came home, but human companionship would be nice.

But Aelin didn't have high-hopes for this date because the universe liked to kick Aelin's ass from time to time, she suspected that they were going to hate each other.

Taking a deep breath, Aelin got out of her car, smoothed down her romper and went inside the restaurant, head held high.

X X X X X X

Rowan couldn't believe that he was about to go on a blind date. That Aedion had convinced him to go out with his younger cousin. He hadn't dated anyone since Lyria and he knew that his dating skills were going to be rusty as hell. He had been with Lyria since they were nineteen, married at 23 and divorced at 31; he had been single for the last two years.

It had been...fine, a little strange, after being with someone for so long to find himself a bachelor. Rowan never thought that he would apart from Lyria, but their relationship had just faded. Long before the divorce, it had been more like a housemate relationship than a marriage. He wasn't surprised when his ex-wife had come home after work with divorce papers. He had only stared at the paperwork for an hour before he signed the forms. Truthfully, Rowan was just glad that he was still on good terms with Lyria, that they could still talk to one another from time to time.

Rowan had almost called her earlier today, to ask how the hell dates went, but felt that it would have been crossing some invisible line, so he didn't call and instead had Googled the questions instead.

They didn't really help.

Rowan drummed his fingers against the steering wheel, telling himself that if things went wrong, then it wasn't the end of the world. That if he had to be a bachelor for the rest of his life, then that was fine. He had plenty of ways of keeping himself busy—he had a good career, a nice house, plenty of books to read and to argue online about them with.

He had one earlier today, actually, with Queen of Wildfire about a new release that Rowan had eagerly read within days of its release. And once again, he ended up with an argument with the woman about the messages and themes within the book.

It was stupid, he knew, to be at his age and to be fighting online with a stranger, but something about this woman just had his fingers flying over the keyboard.

Some days he looked forward to it, as embarrassing as that was to admit. He didn't really want to look into himself to figure out what it all meant.

Eyes drifting to the dashboard, Rowan realised that his date was about to start. Popping a mint into his mouth and smoothing out his clothes, Rowan took a deep breath and left the car and went to his first date in twelve years.

Hopefully, it wouldn't be too bad.

X X X X X X

The date had started out a little awkward, but that wasn't a surprise to Aelin, because what blind date started smoothly?

It picked up after Rowan admitted that he was divorced and that he had no idea what the hell he was supposed to do. Aelin appreciated that stark honesty and admitted that she too had no idea what to do.

Since then, the conversation went well, the food was good and Aelin had even swiped a few bites of his dinner because it just looked so much better than hers. Rowan had playfully grumbled underneath his breath, but smiled as he said it.

It was going really well. Maybe the universe had decided to give her a break for the rest of this evening. There was a part of her that maybe wondered if they would have sex, because the man did look fucking fantastic, but at the same time, she didn't want to rush anything in case this actually turned into something more.

“What's the dumbest thing that you've done recently or in the past?” Aelin asked. There was no such thing as small talk between them—Aelin had all ready asked if he believed in aliens and was glad when he said yes, because “it's ridiculous to think that we're alone in this wide universe of ours. It makes sense that there'd be other lifeforms out there.” Which was pretty damned close to Aelin's reasoning as well, so asking him about stupid moments felt like nothing in comparison.

Rowan smirked at the question and took a moment to think before answering. “I engage in online arguments.”

“Really? About what, exactly?”

“It's stupid. But my all my arguments occur on Goodreads of all places. Not Facebook, or YouTube, or Twitter, but Goodreads. It's never anything insulting but just arguments about how wrong some people's in depth reviews are.”

“Fair enough,” Aelin said, “I've been known to do the same thing as you. There's this one user on there, White Tailed Hawk—a stupid name if you ask me—and he just never...” Aelin stopped when she noticed that he stopped eating and was just looking at her weirdly. “Rowan? Are you okay?”

“Do you, by any chance, go under the name of Queen of Wildfire?”

Aelin blinked, and then blinked again, and once the pieces fell into place, she knew right then and there that the universe really hated her. She let out a harsh laugh, the sound echoing throughout the space. Aelin wasn't really sure what to say, because it was true what he said; it had never been insulting, but ending up on a date with the man she had regularly arguments with was just...she had no words, other then, “It really is a stupid name.” She took a sip of her wine, needing to do something other than wanting to bang her head against the table.

“I couldn't think of anything else to write.” And it wasn't also his favourite animal, he had told her that earlier.

They lapsed back into the awkward silence of earlier, both picking at their food.

But Aelin didn't want this night to go to waste. “It'd be stupid to let something as small as this get in the way of whatever this could be,” Aelin said, deciding to be blunt.

Rowan nodded. “It would be. Although I have to be honest, you really have no idea what you're talking about when it comes to Call of the Wild Winds.”

Aelin just about stormed off when she noticed his playful smile, his eyes sparkling bright. Laughing, Aelin threw a bread-roll at his handsome face, and once he caught it and split it in half for them to share, they went back to their earlier conversation.

And when Rowan walked her to her apartment door and kissed her on the cheek goodnight with a promise to text her later, Aelin couldn't help herself by telling him that all his opinions sucked and that he had no idea what he was talking about—all with a big smile on her face as Rowan sputtered as she closed the door on his face.

They spent the rest of the night texting, and all of Aelin's earlier woes faded away. And she looked forward to tomorrow, despite the horror of job hunting. Maybe the universe will finally let things turn around for the better for her.

Aelin went to sleep with a smile on her face, all because of White Tailed Hawk.

And on the other side of the city, Rowan also fell asleep with a smile on his face.

#rowaelin #rowaelin fanfiction #rowaelinmonth #my work

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thisdreamplace · 3 years

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(Sorry bit long)

To the anon who encouraged us to not give up, thank you so much.. I literally just thought of "what if I can't achieve my career, what If can't become who I want to be."

I know Tarot kind of contradicts the Law of Assumption (which is why I'm leaving it behind now, and I'm becoming more focused on how I do have control over my fate and reality) But Tarot reads more of energy, and its not set in stone.

Last night I got a reading about my future career that I wouldn't be in my desired position, and I gave feedback saying well I'd appreciate it if I was in a leadership position since I like leading others in a good way. I'll admit I may have sounded too "proud" which is my ego that I'm aware of. The person replied and said I may be better under someone's control because I get too focused on one area instead of seeing the big picture. I agreed with it, because it was true. I do tend to do that, and I also admit I have a big ego which is something I'm trying to balance. Before you judge the reader or me, I really did appreciate the criticism. It made me more aware of what I could focus on. Plus I know energies aren't set in stone and are always changing.

This did get me thinking of "what if I really can't achieve my career".. "what if I'm too egoistic? What if I'm too childish and can't keep my cool?" I was concerned. Then I saw this and anon telling us to not give up. You can achieve anything, since the future does not exist. Only the present exists. The reason why we think the future exists is because of thoughts and assumptions. The past does not exist, if we didn't have memories, the past would not exist. This is why revision works, it's because we can trick our subconscious mind.

I'm gonna stop here before the post gets too long, it was supposed to be more of an appreciation post. Thank you.

i am so glad that post found you at the right time !! :) you are anything you want to be, so i know you are successful. i cant wait to read your success story one day. 💖

tbh, something you said relates to something ive thought about and so i’ll say it here. but its ultimately unrelated to the point of your ask. and i know you already said youre leaving tarot behind, so this truly isnt directed at you. its just my general thoughts lately and you brought the subject up on my blog so why not share :)

when it comes to tarot, astrology, and all those other tools i actually think its imperative to let them go. i fully get how people tend to hide under the guise of, “well its just reflecting ME” (its the truth, so yes its entirely fair to say) and i even used to say that too so i didnt step on toes. when it comes to knowing in relation to the law, we often say we know things, but we only get it intellectually. we dont know it to be true on a feeling level, and that makes all the difference.

until you have ACTUALLY fully taken understanding that you are the only cause and only ever will be the only cause of your experiences, theres no point to keep relying on those tools in that way. if youre living in the end why would you check to see what the cards or stars have to say about your “current” condition ? as far as im concerned you should already know your current condition — youre in the state of the wish fulfilled and youre staying faithful to it. through your loyalty, it hardens into fact. that is your confirmation, that is your “check in” of where you’re headed. youve already seen it in your mind’s eye.

what happens is we dont let those things go (we dont buy the pearl) and on a level we keep second causes alive. its a subtle level but its there regardless. we keep giving our power away, even if its subtle. neville said you have to die to the old story completely — what are we doing keeping the old story alive ? we used to love those “tools” because it was a second cause that gave us hope or direction, no ? what do we actually get in contuining to turn to them, when we only need to turn within for answers ?

now if you truly enjoy those things, return to them when you have bought the pearl and feel stable in your belief that you are the one and only creator. then go have fun with those things, knowing how they truly dont mean anything at all.

from my experience, and thats the only experience i can truly speak of, is that understanding your role as being the ONLY cause of your reallty is imperative to this journey. when you want to stop manifesting things here and there, and want to manifest a beautiful lifestyle effortlessly… you will buy the pearl and fully step into your power.

#career #basics

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wherestoriescomefrom · 3 years

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Hey, I have an academia aesthetic tumblr((not Desi, it's kinda exclusive , I do talk about my desi identity but mostly i post yk English/Italian photos)) , and I post, about my academics their, what I'm reading and learning (mostly stem). I do like cottagecore as well.

So, I read your post and I do not understand it. I am well aware of the casteism and I am not ignorant but I don't understand that what's wrong with this.

I just happen to like aesthetic, fuck colonisers but their architecture be good, yes, so is Indian architecture but I'm just liking that more these days so what is the problem.

I'm privileged, very, but I feel like a piece of shit since your post, I do not understand.

I am acknowledging it that so many people do not get to study and I'm not romanticizing it, I'm just talking about my life, and how I read and love to read and it is indeed a celebration of a "privilege" but what do i do? Not do this? Idk man? Idk

man i regret making that post. okay i reblogged it lately with more of an explanation, and here's the pull quote: "okay i was. in a mood the night i wrote this and i just wanted to say that i wish i had framed this with less anger and more gentleness. this was more of a personal rant, which has made it into the circles it speaks of. but for what its worth: i don’t actually have a right to be angry over this. i am UC, and as such, gentleness should come with my privilege. most of all, i wanted to apologise because this post makes it look like im not a part of this culture, which isn’t true. it isn’t as if i haven’t made posts about bollywood, or uncritically used the word “desi.”

i know this kind of online culture gives people joy. i have just seen too much of it which engaged uncritically, without acknowledging the wide wealth of history that is not uppercaste or north indian. (i think seeing another reclist with jhumpa lahiri on it did it for me. i’m sorry, i really dislike her as a writer… for personal reasons). i just wanted to express my problems with the version of india this kind of aesthetic produces, and provide context for my thoughts."

secondly. i know i'm not obligated to tell you what this means, but here goes nothing. often times, i feel, as UC people, we have a lot more access to global rhetoric. as such, being on very american spaces like tumblr, we get to talk to people outside of the mainland about our aesthetic, which is more often than not UC. the aesthetic that is used here makes me deeply, deeply uncomfortable mostly because of the sheer amount of labour that it glosses over. who do you think built the mughal buildings? do you remember the old story about the taj mahal, that shah jahan cut the labourer's hands after it was complete? for that matter, who do you think stitches the elaborate lehengas, the detailed zari work, and everything else it entails? it isn't us. we don't even pay a fair price for it. what makes me angry is that while there is more and more of an awareness of the inherent colonialism in dark academia, there is just not the same amount of awareness for casteism in indian academia. especially when brahmanism literally means that others don't get to study. idk, you can listen to Anurag Minus Verma's podcast on this, or maybe Buffalo Intellectual's. both good.

the aesthetic wouldn't even bother me so much if it wasn't for the rec lists. look, as upper caste people who have global audiences on tumblr, people pay attention to us. we're articulate, soft spoken, savarna. when i see reclists that regurgitate the same five indian authors as the be-all and end-all of south asian writing, i don't like it mostly because i know some non-indians are going to find it and think the same thing. it feels like such a disservice to the VARIETY of GOOD South Asian writing out there!!! i don't want to self promote, but here. i wrote a reclist a few weeks ago.

lastly. i don't actually care. you can engage with this aesthetic if you like, you can choose not to after this post, you can choose to engage with it more critically, do whatever you like. my intention was never to make people feel bad about what brings them joy. i don't think i was ranting for any reason except for my own, and i wish i'd either a) been gentler in what i was saying b) hidden the criticism from people who like leaning into this kind of online presence.

i don't care in the same way that i don't care about dark academia as a whole. it's imperialism, but it affects me very little as a mainlander. same with #desiaesthetic. it's more for nris than it is for me, and i can assure you, no one living in india actually cares either. i don't wanna say im involved in politics, but as someone with some experience of just student politics and indian academia, it's not like any of us sit and get mad at desi dark academia moodboards. as such, engage with it in whatever way makes you happy. me ranting to myself shouldn't affect your happiness, because you don't know me, and i might be a terrible person for all you know. who am i to pass judgement on what you do? i have no horse in this race. i do not make moral judgements on how you should engage with your media, that's entirely up to you.

i hope this answer made you feel better, genuinely. i don't want anyone to feel bad about the things i say, it was never my intention to do that. rest easy, sleep well, enjoy what you like in whatever way you like it.

unironically, love,

#sir i am very sleep and very tired i wish i knew what to tell you #just have an easy day #to the anon who asked about jhumpa lahiri: i will deal with you tomorrow #rest assured i also don't care that much about her #i just dont like her writing very much and thats a personal thing too #hello void this is ridiculosity #the people??? want me to answer???

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mikkock · 4 years

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Hey hi your murder mystery art is super totally cool and amazing and I'd like to Extra! Extra! hear all about it *rattles bells*

haha wow i cant believe ud ask me THIS! unbelievable! now im gonna have to make a long post!

all info under the cut cause im kind like that ♥

For reasons I felt like making a Fancy Ass murder mystery story, with you know, hella complex secret storylines and everyone having drama and shit, and one person died but the more the story goes the less people care about who did the murder and the more they want tHE JUICY DETAILs. X and Y had an afFAIR you say!!! well that’s thousands time more interesting than that murder that happened, who cares about the culprit its not like any of us are going anywhere anyway! tell me more about the marital issues!

The ultimate Vibes are Clue (the game, ya kno, it had a movie too, and that movie was shot with three different endings -fun fact- so that movie theatres could play one alternatively that way people wouldnt get spoiled or even if they did they would not get the ending they were spoiled or even if all three were spoiled you couldnt know which ending you were getting anyway, big dick move, cause its an old movie and film is expensive, also that movie stupid and campy, ALSO I ONLY LEARNED MAKING THIS AU THAT IN ENGLISH THE GAME’S CALLED “CLUE” wE CALL IT CLUEDO therefore my wip playlist is called cluedo. because. fuck it.)(i just have an emotional attachment to that game i even had a cd rom video game version and it was the spookiest shit for a 6 years old, trust me, i played it so much tho i didnt even understand the rULES i was just making scenarios like gathering the characters in rooms n making conversations outloud cause honestly the banter is the best part of a murder mystery) ANYWAY that sure is a whole paragraph of tangent.

BUT YE the inspo from the Clue game. you can tell it from the Colours obviously, everyone’s colour codded.(even everyone’s name is colours as well you’ll see it’s real dang fancy! im just remaking that game but with 2932020 characters and more behind the scenes drama and also for gay people.)

So BASIC PLOT!

Sir Belyy, the dude in white, is The Rich Powerful Respected Fancy Boss, and he throws a Fancy Reception Party with his closest friends and associates to celebrate the opening of a new branch of his business. All the lads gather in his wonderful little very isolated mansion in the middle of nowhere, like ok he got a death wish or something or he’s very trusting of his business partners, but not a good move, cause in the middle of the reception, as A Phat Storm Starts (for plot convenience, we going with a campy vibe if you couldnt tell), his body is found, it’s awful, there’s a killer on the loose! All the guests gather, and attempt to maybe contact the authorities, to not avail, since The Storm ya know, phone lines are Broken my dude. Its clear that the culprit is among them, since no one could have entered the house, or left it (cuz once again, ThE sTORm). And then it’s all about interrogating each other, distrust, alliances and betrayal, revealing one’s deepest secrets when they form an alibi and revealing someone else’s deepest secret for they could be a motive! Meanwhile there’s a dead body in the mansion just chillin there.

So as I mentioned, I changed everyone’s name to be colour related (or ya know, food or flowers of that colour cause sometimes a colour in a language would not work as a name given the way names work in that culture all that jazz) which is the trippiest thing cause tHATS NOT YALLS USUAL NAMES but its fun (also changed so many ages hgfhs it was a trip)(still no one’s really old i guess i got boomerphobia). The “Cast” is clearly the most important part, and if ur a True “My OCs” Connaisseur (hdfghd the most useful skill to have, knowing *MY* Charactersdshgd) you may have recognised some faces and can already read some vibes and predict who will be progressing the plot and who will be yelling at people throwing accusations ghdfgd.

(god i wish i hadnt slacked off making the portraits of everyone in that AU i only have 3 tho that’s so sad so ill just make little sketches just cause <3 only text??? i got too many hoes with no attention span for that)

Sir BELYY (the one who dIEs lmao)

(bust shot missing the fact that this man is the tallest beefiest lad around)

Intimidating, powerful, composed, wealthy, carries the name of a family who has generations of control to it’s reputation, he’s The Man that hoes who believe in the economy wishes they were. As in, the “self made” man who only just happened to benefit from having a wealthy background to uplift his plans. In his youth, he wanted to prove his worth, seperated himself from his father, started a business, that business became big, then got attached to the family’s business, bam back to square one but with Reputation now. There seemed to be VERY big tension between him and The Father, some speculate it had to do with his unknown mother, and some family drama there, and it never got resolved as old man Belyy died quite young (the jUICY speculations are that current sir Belyy mURDEREd old man sir Belyy, fucked up if true!). People love him though in general, as he has that reputation of “Cold Lad With a Gold Heart” aka he takes people under his wings, donates, doesnt treat his employees like the absolute worst garbage etc... you know, he’s rich and a half decent person, so obviously he’s an angel on earth. But does it matter though, he’s dead! that’s the concept of the story!

Mr.GRAY (the grey guest)(who could have guessed from the name)

He’s one of Sir Belyy’s oldest employees, and benefits from a high rank in the company. But, sadly for him, he’s been stagnating lately, as newer, youngest employees seem to have Belyy’s favours, and are his prefered associates for important tasks and positions. Therefore he has Some Bitterness, Some Salt, Some Distaste, some unbriddled but professionally muted hatred for Specific people in the company. He can be an antagonistic figure, but the amount of time he spent in Belyy’s circle grants him an immense quantity of information about the man, but mostly, about his business. Anything about the company’s history, dealings, operations, he’s aware of, either having been told of them, or having snooped around to obtain, immune to being questioned due to his legitimacy in the company.

Mr.LIM (the green guest)

Remember when it was said that Gray had beef with some employees cause they were younger and rose to high ranks faster than him and became Belyy’s favourite over him? Yeah well here comes the one he hates the most for that (ofc he’s belyys fave cuz he’s Mine <3) Our lad caught Belyy’s attention for his Exploits in like, em fancy high school tournaments of smart people, it’s a thing its ridiculous, making kids compete on Smart stuff for the pride of their schools n shit, well homie Lim got clout when doing that, and Belyy was extremely interested cause that kid’s main thing was how “this young lad got mad strategic skills tf are u a war general or smth how fancy”, and that’s a coveted skill for ruthless business. So as soon as the kid is an adult, bam, join the company my dude. And because he’s just that Cool n Sexy ofc he met the expectations Belyy had, and old man Belyy got attached cuz it do be such a young lad, a kid, mentally i am adopting. That’s how you get a youngas employee becoming the right hand man of one the phatest CEO in a few years, and even make your way into being a Good Lad on top of a business partner. And that’s how you get Gray to hate your ass too. Now though, fine lad with mad strategic skills, rising to power that fast, and even infiltrating Belyy’s private life? If I were Gray I’d call suspicion there’s surely some shady stuff going no way we’re just dealing with a nice fella who just happens to work good and be friendly to the boss right?

Herra MUSTA (the black “guest”)

Belyy’s newest butler, assistant, house keeper, he multitasks. His family has been tied to Belyy’s for generations, fullfilling roles of help, but also of confidents. He’s been the head butler since only a short time, after his mother passed, and as such is still “in training” you could say, despite having served the family his whole life. There are rumours going around that the contract tying his family to the Belyys may end on his generation and need to be resigned. He known the manor by heart, and carries all keys to any locked room (and mostly, The Master Key, cause in an old house, some doors may be locked beyond all still existing keys). He also knows secrets of the family that no one else knows, but good luck getting em out of him, he’s under contract not to divulge em bro.

Mr. HASSEL (the brown guest)

Belyy’s childhood friend. They grew up together, pictured their dreams together, sworn to flourish together, worked together when starting the company, and then Hassel felt he should create his own thing instead of depending on his friend’s existing wealth, and while Belyy’s business went wild, his never took off. They still stayed very close, despite the massive difference in wealth. Belyy considers him his closest friend, the one person he can trust (fucked if hassel did the murder lemme tell u). So of course, he’s still always invited to the Prestigious meet ups where’s he’s free to feel uncomfortably out of place amongst all the rich and powerful people that he could have been a part of had he had a tiny bit of luck and a small loan from a wealthy relative...People LOVE saying he’s still hanging out with Belyy so much to leech off his wealth, cause of course they do! His bestie status means he has a whole different brand of information of Belyy than his butler does, the Most Intimate Stuff, the Childhood Stuff. The Juicy stuff ya kno...But Bro Code, its all secrets...

Sir RUZH (the red “guest”)

Deep dive into Belyy’s personnal history, the man has many employees working at his house keeping it working, clean, ya know the vibe. They live on the premice, one has a kid who’s just a Joy to be around, all the employees just vibe with that lad, he’s just a born socialite you know? Belyy gets to meet the kid, and also hella vibes with him. And because human are influenced by their feelings, he gives the kid’s mum a bit of a preferencial treatment, in the tasks she fullfils and all, til he gives her an important-as mission, and then there’s an accident n mama dies, and now Belyy got guilt and there’s this kid who just Vibes. So naturally the move is to take the kid in, and play on how his vibes are just so clean, and raise him to be the Perfect Entertainer for guests, bam, its soft power propaganda, if everyone loves your now son’s vibes, they associate them with you too. And also that’s kind of a clean rep, the selfless man who adopted his employee’s son to not have him fall to the streets, how heartwarming. Not at all traumatising for the kid too I bet! But anyway now the lad is just the most charming young adult, mission accomplished. He’s always present at any reception, ready to work his people-pleasing magic, and then going back to a gigantic empty manor to wait for the next and curate the perfect vibes to meet the expectations of dad. On the plus side, he knows everyone, and those who don’t know him cannot wAIT to, he’s just got that aura ya know. People skills for miles, and the insider knowledge that comes with being the son of the CEO, all this hidden behind the personna of the fresh innocent bashful party lad.

Dr.FEN (the pink guest)

Do not get mistaken by the title, he’s no doc, he will not diagnose you with anything, he just studied long enough to get the sexy title. Study in what? Haha. Nothing shady. Just toxicology. He’s a world reknown poison expert basically, that’s his main thing. Oh but don’t worry, of course studying substances that may kill people is only for finding out how to cure them from it of course. What brings him in this circle? Simple, Belyy may or may not have started to suffer some weird illness that no doctor has been able to find the source, let alone cure, of. Him and Dr.Fen had met previously on some event, cause some rich man also love flexing how smart they are and attending sciencey shit, and he was contacted as sort of a shot in the dark. The lad does know how to treat some things, maybe he can treat The Mysterious Unwellness, since no traditional doctor was able to. He knows science, he’s trustworthy, bam, you’re hired to work on My Case Exclusively. Thanks to this, Dr.Fen has access to the whole health history of Belyy and his family, to many mANY dangerous substances, and also has The Respect of the hoes at the party. He HAS a doctorate after all. Epitome of knowledge. And he’s a kind to people and he wears pink like dang how can you nOT pour your wHOLE trust in him.

Sir MOREVITCH (the blue guest)

Youngest son of an affluent family, who used to be close the the Belyys. The two families fell slightly appart after the death of the previous head of the family on the Belyy side, as they do nOT vibe with the current one (well current, til the first night of the story ig). But, unbeknownst to all, one strong link had been kept, between the youngest of the Morevitch, who dislikes his family and wishes to emancipate himself from them while also assuring his depart will not throw him basically in the streets, and our beloved Sir Belyy, who also dislikes the Morevitches but loves to see the rebellious energy of the young one (and ya know, my enemy’s enemy’s my friend or however you say that). So Belyy’s basically offering tips and helping Morevitch plant himself safely out of his family’s grasp, but it’s all taking quite some time isn’t it, slow and steady is fine until your parents try to arrange a wedding to secure more political power, and suddenly it is all quite urgent that you escape that situation because No Thank You Parents I Do Not Want A Wife I’m Too Young And Also Huh <3 Stuff You Won’t Like Hearing For Sure <3. The people who know they’re working together also know that it’s a big point of argument between them, the difference in vision between “you have to go slow and steady to be safe” and “I have very limited time to get to that safety anyway so I gotta risk it” “hell no you cant i can’t follow through if we’re going that quick that’ll put me at risk and you’re family’s gonna send gunmen to take me down”. A mess, it’d be much quicker to just obtain a few million bucks out of nowhere and bolt for sure...

Mr.GANG (the orange guest)

Morevitch’s trusted assistant. He hears the concerns, he helps the secret businesses, he lies to the parents about the whereabouts, and mostly, he’s basically a budget spy. The lad got that talent where people just don’t notice him popping behind them and catching all their dirty laundry as they confess it to someone they trust, and he always manages to break into places, get the intel he was looking for, and escape, putting everything back into place as if no one was ever there (wonder where he got all those skills from damn!). But what he’s even better at is being sneaky not only to benefit his boss, but himself as well <3. If he can catch all the info in the world, go any places, nothing’s stopping him from playing double agent and also going behind Morevitch’s back. After all the assistant life isn’t the most glamourous and rewarding, who can blame him from going and using his talents to build his own little exit route, right? Everybody sort of knows he cannot be trusted, but also no one managed to really incriminate or stop him, and as much as he has tea on many people, no has it on him, but bet once found that would be heeeella juicy.

M.MOUTARDE (the yellow guest)(this one is straight up the name of the yellow player in the french edition of clue too when i say its my main vibe)

Moutarde was an influential celebrity. He had a big break acting in a movie that the whole country stanned so hard they basically turned the script into their national anthem (they would have if it was a true democracy where the people really decide), he was so handsome and elegant, everyone’s dream husband. And then the fame fiddled out because it’s how fame is, one moment you’re the sexiest dish on the table and the next someone brings in dessert and baam, its all about that fresh cake, and no one pays any mind to your delightful aroma anymore, you’ve gone cold, they had a bite, their interest is somewhere else. Belyy really admires his work though, and mostly finds his image fits with the brand of his company, therefore the two are working on a collaboration to make Moutarde a representative. This WOULD boost Moutarde’s reputation, for his ads would be displayed on every imaginable surface of the country, and it would also benefit the company cause being represented by thAT sexy motherfucker? clearly that’s a deal. The freshness of the partnership means Moutarde is a newcomer in the guests, a fresh face, with no reputation, no relationships, no unfair biases against him. He’s just the new handsome charismatic lad with a squeaky clean image. Emphasis on “image”. After all, no one really knows anything of his background, right?

Kun.LAWENDER (the purple guest)

Private investigator, very useful to be around at a party it’s almost like it was expected there’d be a body to investigate, he’s a very close associate of Belyy, as there’s nothing more important to business than investigating the rivals and finding dirt on them to make them fall through infamy. He’s not exactly the PI who goes look for justice to be served, he’s just here for cash bro. He’s got intel on everyone, and will only let it out if offered the right thing in return (money, or sometimes other pieces of very secret intel, trade is good). Wouldn’t advise letting him and Gang team up tbh but they probably wouldnt, as Lawender is really more of a lone wolf player, going on his own for himself. The one thing that negates his usefulness as a PI on an accidental crime of scene is that even if he knew the whole truth of the event he would not spit it out unless he benefitted from saying it. He sure is a polarising lad, but at the same time, an untouchable one, he’s too knowledgeable to be taken down. Rather than sneaky, he’s extremely observant, noticing the tiniest details and engraving them in his memory, ready to be linked up to other details to deduct the big picture. He’s the upfront tea gathered basically (as opposed to Gang’s shadow tea gathering if you will, they are similar forces but using opposite methods)(also one of em got a licence n the other does not hAH).

~~~~

Now the secrets, all of em have them. One of em at least got the secret of having KILLED Belyy that’s that. But that’s to be kept for later (for if i ever use this story for more than daydream material gfhjgh) bet you can imagine what some of em may be just out of Knowing what i do, from having seen the characters in other contexts, or just because you’re a genius and reading the character profiles immediatly lit up the bulbs in your head forming the perfect theory, props to you, mad genius.

Honestly my thoughts are just how lit of a game that would be, you get to pick one hoe (maybe sum are locked til u find their secrets for juicy purposes) and you do your invetigation using your character’s perks and disadvantages, and maybe there could even be Multiple scenarios and outcomes, to spice it up, give replay value, i just think it’d be a game id spend hours on. tryin to get the spicy details of everyone’s life. walking around n digging through a rich man’s stuff, witnessing the drAMA of people fighting cause they’re locked in with a murderer and that’s stressful ngl. That or a long ass show @ netflix wanna give me a show maybe? give me hella budget we’re making it animated cause im too cultured for live action.

whatever i make of it though, i hope i can make this story Flourish, just so that i can lay down all those secret backstories i’ve written. i want the satisfaction of throwing out the craziest secret drama between character n seeing peeps loose their minds, it just is a tasty experience.

also i gotta say, i plug the hell out of Clue for an inspo but when i was building the basics of the story my mind immediatly went “oH MY GOD THE VIBES,, THE BACKSTABBING AND tEAMING UP and all,,, its The Genius, that one tv show where peeps have to do the wildest games that require strategy n they’re in that fancy set that looks like a rich ppl mansion oh god the vibes” so yeah, i rewatched the whole first two seasons cause they’re my faves and that had an impact if only minimal in the aesthetic.

Anyway hope that quick presentation gave you a lil taste of the story, and maybe,,,, got you curious,,, craving to learn more like you never did before (im exaggerating the only real question we all got is just “so who’s fuckin with whom then how many of yall secretly dating” this the real deal)

#doodlin every lad's face at one rly be like 'welcome to the cheekbone festival'#they got antti AND said at once like the cheekbonage is out of this world!#that's musta n gang btw #also every single time i draw cream (blue lad) im like 'i havent drawn u in ages' n it isnt #that i dont draw him much anymore #but that ive drawn only this bitch for months back in the days #him bein in this without his lover....criminal #cuz his boo wouldnt fit a murder mystery au like #hoes would find the corpse he'd just be like 'welp on that imma go to bed aight bye'#anyway u can tell which of my ocs i simp for v easely #like fr #they the ones i spend the longest drawfigfdj cuz i draw em n then go 'not hot enough do it again'#a struggle!#anyway the secret is that i prepares a motive AND an alibi for all of em #so that i can pick who murdered belyy at the last moment <3 #its all abt the contextual clues on the scene of crime <3 #none of the drama tells u anything its all for the treat of gossip <3 #sad part of this project is how much ive planned n written yet i can barely tell anythin if i want to make it #n ive drawn nothingbhd #i hav a dari n a weiwei in their coloured clothes lookin handsome cuz ofc i do #im predictable i have faves #ask if they're in love in this one too take a fuckin guess #u rly think hoe going to his boss's house so much to see the ceo ???? HAH #the real question isnt if theyre smooshin we all kno that answer the question is if dad white suit knows thATs whats important #are yall secret lovers or is green boy climbing the ladder of the company cuz he's smashing the boss's son #who knows #i do i aint telling pay me

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fellwhite · 4 years

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SwitchTale

(Im not sure if that name is taken and its just a temporal name, it will be changed later)

Tws: Genocide, death

Just a heads up, this will be a long post cause i have no idea how read more works in mobile, also i do not know if someone has had this idea before so bruh, anyway here we go:

Basically, the concept is that instead of Chara being the first fallen child, Frisk will be the first one to fall instead in an underground where Asriel hasn't been born yet, effectively swapping Chara and Frisk's roles

And also Asriel is still just a child on Chara's arrival and he will help them go through the underground

This idea was based mostly on Epictale! But in this case it's on the classic undertale. Epictale by @yugogeer012

Frisk being the first one to arrive made A LOT of changes in the underground, some of them being by example:Toriel and Asgore didn't get divorced or anything, but they have been separated for decades, some monsters being more passive, while others are more aggressive, a similar yet fairly different underground with new chara-cters and more.

I still haven't figured out a lot of stuff so yeah this will have plenty of plotholes or things that make no sans-e. But anyway

Characters:

Frisk:Attack 20 Defense 25

*The first fallen human

*A rather kind and passive human child who heavily dislikes humanity and loves their monster family,while most of the time they act very nice sometimes they can lash out revealing their not-so-friendly side,their metods to achieve what they want or to do what they think is right are a bit extreme sometimes,loves puns and dominates flirting, their favorite food is charamel and chocolate

Chara: Attack 30 Defense 20

*The last fallen child

*A sassy and almost creepy human child,they hate humans but they're a bit more nice to monsters, they love chocolate,hugs and golden flowers

*Asriel is their best friend

(Chara's personality will heavily change depending on the route)

*Toriel: Everyone's favorite goat mom, she stays mostly the same but she is more protective and better trained at fighting, her fight is significantly more difficult in all routes

Asgore: The king of the underground and a big fluffy dad, his fight is a lot more difficult since he feels even more guilty and he's more desperate to end this, he wields his good ol'trident and will sometimes use a knife, he fights in genocide too. Asriel is forced to stay on the entrance to the throne room by royal guards so you have to face the king alone

Asriel: Everyone's favorite fluffy boi, he becomes Chara's best friend in just a couple days and he will help them go trough the underground

He's against murder but he will protect Chara either way and might even take a life for them

In genocide he will disappear after Toriel's death

He's 12 years old

THE GREAT PAPYRUS: Paps is a former member of the royal guard and he is a lot more serious with his job, he still won't kill you and there's also a lot less puzzles on Snowdin because of his job and instead there's a lot more royal guards in the way (mostly dogs)

He still hates his brother's puns and still has great self esteem but he is more aware of many things,he has a bit of knowledge on timelines and resets thanks to Sans but he still does not know when a load happens

Sans: The funny bone man, brother of Papyrus and another member of the royal guard (against his will) Sans is one of the characters with the most changes, he joined because of Papyrus and now has 2 Defense and 2 Attack, still 1hp, still does a lot of puns but just like Papyrus he's more serious and he will fight you once before the fight with paps to prepare you (he can't be killed in that fight as he will dodge and he will use only some simple bone attacks). He fights you on all routes in the last corridor unless you're in neutral and you didn't kill Papyrus, he is not the last genocide boss anymore, still has gaster blasters and karma but both are used only in genocide

Mk:????

Undyne: More ruthless and negative, her fights are all harder but not too much, she is even more determined than before and bleeds during genocide route, her undying form is pretty much the same but the heart in her armor is constantly changing from green, yellow and to white

You'll depend on Asriel to survive

Alphys: Our number 1 lizard nerd

Alphys is another character that's pretty different, she's more confident but she still is very shy, she's also more less kind at the start so you'll have to make her trust you first, she'll be against you for a bit in hotland but she will start to help you once Mettaton tries to kill you with the chainsaw (which by the way it's an usable item here and you get it on all routes after the Mettaton fight, it's the second most powerful weapon only behind the true knife)

Mettaton: He's literally the same, in fact he's a bit easier but has a longer fight and a couple new weapons, in genocide his NEO form can take only 7 hits but the attacks are very long and devastating. Asriel stays out of this one as it's a 1v1

Napstablook: they're a little bit more confident but still incredibly shy, their fight is easier but takes a couple more turns and you will need Asriel to help you

Muffet and Grillby: They united their places in order to have a better chance for their businesses to survive, it worked out really well but they constantly fight. Muffet is the exact same but a bit more stressed and Grillby is more talkative, Muffet offers drinks now aswell as spiders, and the same goes for Grillby

Temmies: hOI

Red: yes baby Red is here too, she appears around the CORE with 2 dog guards (which she mentions on her original fight) and she's an main boss and character

W.D:????

There's some additional characters that i added, like Captain froggit, yes their name is literally captain so their position is quite convenient, and a few more here and there

Toby isn't here, instead there's a wolf with... An smiling face? (yep that's me)

A few additional changes:

Frisk is viewed as an mostly chaotic neutral and inclined to chaotic good, but in genocide this changes ti chaotic evil

Yes Frisk is the narrator and acts somewhat similar to Chara

Both Chara and Frisk use they/them, i personally view em both as female and nonbinary respectively but i'll leave it like this to avoid discourse or anything

Napsta is nonbinary and uses they/them and he/him, prefers they tho, i left them like that since i haven't seen much discourse about Napsta's gender so bruh

Sans and Paps are ??????'? sons

Since im no Toby Papyrus can use his special attack (which is a blaster here) but he will hold back by himself in his fight

Some notes:

There's some guard campaments and the royal guard headquarters, only the campaments are accessible but you can see the hq from far away

You can ask me any doubts or anything idm

There will possibly be a comic, plenty of art, a written version or even possibly a couple playable fights in the future, but it will be a while before that happens

Odds are it will be all written but im not sure yet, references will be on an individual post

The au name is subject to change

THIS IS MY FIRST TIME DOING ANYTHING LIKE THIS SO ITS A TOTAL MESS IM SORRYYYALCKAOFKAOC

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illusionlock · 5 years

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pazam: a mess, truly a mess

so i usually dont do these kind of posts, i guess you could say its a call out of some sort? but i never liked that word, i prefer rather to just compile sources on WHY people would believe that a certain person is not truly as nice and understanding as they seem. consider this more of a psa post, detailing on whats going on with pazam on the sfm community, why so many people are against them.

So, a while back, tumblr user jymble made a post on the main tag stating that pazam was transphobic. they linked back to this post, which contains screenshots of pazam in a group chat stating that they do not feel comfortable with the idea of trans people. now, this did happen 9 months ago, true. however, for the record, pazam is already an adult, 24 years old, so they should have some tact. and as further and more recent events will show, they actually havent changed that much at all, at least not as they claim.

the screenshots should be in the post, but here is a transcript

[Screenshot one]

Pazam:

What????? Why?????

I literally HAVE NOT been doing ANYTHING malicious to them

And if it did I apologized

Yes I do have discomfort about them but I keep it to myself

Why are you doing this????

[End screenshot one]

‘Them’ here refers to trans people in general. Notice the defensive and victimizing stance they almost immediately take upon being confronted about their feelings on trans people.

[Screenshot two]

elliott:

of COURSE you dont

sammaku:

Like specifically

Elliott hush

Pazam:

This whole concept of transness and changing your gender physically

I hate to say it again but it weirds me out and it makes me question my own gender which flings me into anxiety, depression, and obsession

sammaku:

Its fine to not understand but are you willing to learn about it

Pazam:

I don’t want to talk about this anymore

sammaku:

That depression anxiety and obsession just comes with gender issues

(the rest of the text is cut off)

[End Screenshot two]

notice once summaku asks them if they would at least be willing to learn about it, pazam immediately deflects it by saying they dont want to talk about it anymore.

[Screenshot three]

Pazam:

Seriously??? That’s all it takes????

Wow I’m a moron

I’m sorry for all the trouble I’ve caused to you

@.aziraphale @.elliott @.sammaku

I just don’t get this stuff period

And I’ve gotten into trouble with this stuff before

I’ll probably never understand it for the rest of my life but I’ll try to be more tactful around y’all

Especially since you’re all young

And I’m like an adult

[End screenshot three]

While at first this would seem like they had finally learned their lesson and apologized, the things they add on after the @s become quickly worrying. Not only do they admit to ‘have gotten into trouble with this stuff before’, meaning they have probably shown their transphobia in other places and been called out, but they also stand firmly on the fact that they will never understand it or ‘get’ it.

And of course, as jymble points out, the implication that the people they were talking to were only acting like that because they were young.

A while after this post was made, Pazam had posted an apology, and went onto contact jymble asking for the post with the evidence of their transphobic to be taken down. The reason? They were afraid people would see it and think they were still transphobic and not give them a chance.

In this more recent post, you can see the conversation play out between Pazam and jymbles. Long story short, Pazam feels that it’s unfair that that post is still up after they apologized, and jymble of course said they would rather not take it down, people deserve to know what they did and take their own conclusions, even if that involves avoiding them. How does Pazam respond? By flat out deleting the apology post. I’d love to show the apology post to give you both sides of the story but I cannot anymore, because Pazam in a very bizarre move just deleted it because they got mad a trans blogger wouldn’t take down their post with proof.

Here’s the transcript of the screenshots:

[Begin Conversation]

rebloggidy (Pazam’s personal):

I’m by no means transphobia-free after learning what I’ve done but at least I know my actions and am making an effort to be a better person towards trans people.

rebloggidy:

Hi again. So I hate to be that person but would it be ok if you took down that post about the transphobia claims? I know it took me 9 months to apologize but if people only see your side of the story and not realize the post I saw they’ll take it out of context and still think I’m transphobic. Do you understand?

jymble:

... i already told you im not taking down the post.

[jymble sends a screenshot of her own message in a previous conversation, the screenshot reads as follows:

however, i dont think im taking the post down, nor am i entirely comfortable with you interacting with me either. people deserve to know how you acted with this stuff, until youre really and truly *better* with it instead of just trying, and i was a direct target of it]

jymble:

you oughright told me "im by no means transphobia-free", word for word sorry, but i told you before. im not taking the post down.

rebloggidy:

I remember that. But what I'm trying to say to you is that if people who read it out of context will immediately think I'm still transphobic without the other side of it (my comment)

And I don't want people to think that in the future

jymble:

if people make assumptions without looking at the entire situation, thats on them

i am not deleting the post and thats final. people have a right to know what youve done, and they have a right to be uncomfortable

rebloggidy:

I'm ready to take down my post because frankly, I'm sick and tired of having to justifiy something that I did 9 months ago, and that people grow and learn even not 100% during that time and I'm ready to move on.

I'm still into smile for me and feel free to make a blacklist of my name so anybody who rbs my work on your dash can have it hidden or something.

Take care.

[End conversation]

a lot to unpack here, but perhaps most notable is when jymble simply stands her ground and tells pazam she wont take down the post, pazam straight up decides, without being told to or anything, that they should take down their apology. later on, they made a post stating why they deleted the post, and saying they had ‘been forced to’.

I also would love to link it here, but as of now of writing this, like, not even an hour or so after I had seen that post, it got deleted. The only memory I have of it is a conversation I had with my boyfriend about Pazam, in which I copypasted a fragment from that post that read:

“ So for those wondering where the apology post went, I was forced to delete it. I wanted to archive it in some way so I could pull it up for reference, but there was no way I could. Also I didn’t really want to see it every time on my blog because quite honestly it’s upsetting to look at.”

There are some lies and twisting of truths here. Pazam wasn’t forced to delete it, they decided they should do it as a way to somehow get back at jymble. And the excuse that it was upsetting for them to look at is just inexcusable, what matters most, letting people know of what youve done and that youre sorry, or just never addressing the situation?

But, well, I’m just hoping you’ll take my word for it. As you see, Pazam has officially deleted ANY traces of acknowledging this situation on their blog.

This worries me. If Pazam is truly as concerned that they will be seen as transphobic as they claim, why are they deleting anything that could give them a chance of showing their own side of the story?

Now, that is the end, for now, of Pazam’s history with transphobia. However! It is not the end for some other very shady things.

Namely, Pazam has consistently whitewashed characters from Smile For Me, specially Kamal, and when called out on it, simply deletes the asks.

Want to know how I know this?

I sent them an ask myself. I had come across this picture of Boris and Kamal:

And I knew that this wasn’t right. I can understand using light colors and doing watercolor, but if they can make Boris’ hair brown and vivid enough, why not Kamal? He looks like another character completely, or like he’s deathly sick!

So I sent them an anonymous ask, perhaps a bit exhasperated, true, and my wording could be better. It went something like: “i am begging you to draw kamal with darker skin”.

I waited, checked. But nothing came of it. They never answered it.

Pazam flat out ignored when they were told they had drawn a canonically brown man with skin way too light. Not even a lone text post saying ‘hey anon, i dont agree with you’ or ‘hey anon im sorry it wont happen again’. Nothing. No word, no opinion.

And with this situation going on with them evading responsibility, I can’t say I’m fully surprised.

And, yet another thing. People had expressed concern over the fact they had drawn their Flower Kid, who is 17, in very intimate and close positions with Dr. Habit. It included nuzzling faces, cuddling in bed together, wearing his coat...

And they did hear the claims this time. As of now, their Flower Kid is 24, according to them.

Except... They do not look 24. At. All.

this is a 12 year old. at best. short body, stubby legs, big head. those are all attributes of a very young character, usually children. like, legitimately, thats how childrens anatomy is in real life. the younger the person, the bigger their head is in proportion to their body.

We have already had an adult trying to justify drawing their flower kid who barely looked like an adult if at all in intimate situations with Habit. Let’s not let it slide by again.

And yes, I’m aware Pazam claims that those pictures were not supposed to be interpreted as romantic, ‘only platonic fluff’ and that they intend to keep it that way, but I have talked to my boyfriend who is a survivor and he said it very well could be a case of someone just trying to cover their tracks.

BUT, all that being said, maybe this one particular instance could be just us being wary. Still, it does not diminish all that they have done, specially ignoring the whitewashing claims.

What you are going to do with this information, I do not know. Maybe you don’t care and will keep reblogging their content. Maybe you’re disgusted by them. But I’m just here to give you the facts. Personally though, I’m not willing to give them much of a chance after the way they’ve behaved. They are 24 years old, three years older than me, and I think I could do a better job of handling a situation like this, frankly.

#don't be scared. i am here with you.#smile for me #smile for me game

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citialiin · 4 years

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THE POSITIVE & NEGATIVE; Mun & Muse - Meme.

fill out & repost ♥ This meme definitely favors canons more, but I hope OC’s still can make it somehow work with their own lore, and lil’ fandom of friends & mutuals. Multi-Muses pick the muse you are the most invested in atm. tagged by: @forseenclade thank you ! man i am so bad at doing memes. tagging: @blossomingbeelzebug @zhrets @lupichorous @dansiere yayayayayayayaya

My muse is: canon / oc / au / canon-divergent / fandomless / complicated [ z/iggy stardust is DEFINITELY not my original character, but 683 is, and every single part of how i rp ziggy from his backstory to his personality was made up by me. that being said, ziggy is still a character that exists in media. ]

Is your character popular in the fandom? YES / NO. [ im pretty sure ziggy is tied with the thin white duke as one of b*wie’s most famous fictional personas? ]

Is your character considered hot™ in the fandom? YES ? / NO / IDK.

Is your character considered strong in the fandom? YES / NO / IDK.

Are they underrated? YES / NO / IDK. [ maybe a little overrated ]

Were they relevant for the main story? YES / NO.

Were they relevant for the main character? YES / NO / THEY’RE THE PROTAG.

Are they widely known in their world? YES / NO.

How’s their reputation? GOOD / BAD / NEUTRAL. [ celebrity rock god of limitless talent vs inevitable overrated washup. most celebrities are polarizing anyways ]

How strictly do you follow canon? — there isnt much canon to go off of i think? the album barely even states if ziggy is an alien and b*wie himself got really wishy washy about it (sometimes saying z is a human who was contacted by aliens, he was an alien himself, etc). i dont think we know anything about him besides what he looks like (red hair / weird eyes / pale / “well hung” lmao) and he has a band called the spiders from mars, he plays the guitar left handed, he’s bisexual + androgynous, and he’s charming and popular with the teens but inevitably is a victim of his own ego. and he dies. that too. but that’s literally it! we know Nothing else about him. so i filled in all the gaps because my brain has worms. theres a little bit of the story that verges on fantasy (that he’s some sort of messiah messenger for “the infinites,” whatever the fuck THAT means, david) so i nix that because i prefer hard scifi. and theres one BIG part that i just ... deleted out of his canon, in that the world is ending in 5 years in his timeline, and he’s like ... aware of this ? but that’s dumb and confusing. i legit dont care anymore. my OC now.

SELL YOUR MUSE! Aka try to list everything, which makes your muse interesting in your opinion to make them spicy for your mutuals. — im so embarrassed i know i could be genuine and actually try but i have brain blockajjolajlakala33lak33klak333ak3jka3akjj323j3 i guess it’s like ... ziggy is truly the ultimate expression OF humanity because he reveals everything both wrong and right about the human condition, he literally embodies the best of humanity and the worst at the same time, he’s a really interesting critique on the idea of genuineness/earnestness vs commercalism in art, the perils of fame, and also how humans are so inherently corrupting? a lot of thematic stuff i like exploring is like what is innate to humans vs what is learned behavior, what are things that humans do naturally that ziggy mimics out of his desire to be like us? i think he has a really good story arc -- he went from being a literal nameless CLONE in a society full of pragmatic forward thinking science-oriented people to a sell out rockstar celebrity in a society of people that value individualism and self expression and art, but in the process completely lost his mind and himself and gave into the worst that humanity has to offer like rampant selfishness, drug abuse, self destructive tendencies, etc. characters changing is always interesting and ziggy truly changes for the worse -- but he is never just black and white, he was never good and then suddenly evil, he just was always the same person putting on different facades and trying to be himself by constructing an identity that maybe was who he wanted to be versus who he actually is. i dont know what im talking about. hes just an alien trying to be too hard to be human in all the wrong ways. i just like how “gray” ziggy is. he isnt good or bad, he can be very nice and he can be very mean, he’s overtly showboating confident but at the same time deeply afflicted with self-consciousness (why tf else would anyone be So obsessed with how they present themselves?). hes an icon of individualism but also commercialism. he’s freakishly alien but is almost more human than humans themselves. he struggles as lot in his head -- which makes for interesting writing, i guess !! Im so emabrrased im not going to go back and read what i wrote so if i typoed dont look at me

Now the OPPOSITE, list everything why your muse could not be so interesting (even if you may not agree, what does the fandom perhaps think?). — i think ziggy comes across as really mean and nothing else. his horrible bitchy rudeness comes across as hee hee hoo hoo sassy isnt he a rascal when it’s supposed to be more like ... he’s so far gone into the celebrity delusion he’s conflated aggressive rudeness with charmingness because no one told him otherwise and everyone worships him to the point where he’s just given into the delusion that he can do no wrong. i think theres the general simplification problem that happens with a lot of fictional characters, it’s easy to see him as just a whacky sassy glittery quirky rockstar when i guess it avoids the inherent tragedy of like ... everything else about him. his totally fake and false sense of identity built up from superficial things like fame and labels and stardom. maybe my version of ziggy is just too weirdly depressing and sad when i know his original iteration wasn’t quite so ... grim. im not very sure tbh.

What inspired you to rp your muse? — hmmm ... a lot of things! i just really got into b*wie stuff in early 2019, i’ve ALWAYS loved aliens and sci-fi, and i was really shocked that db sets up such great visual storytelling potential but does it through music. i just really liked ziggys “story” and i like any chance to think about aliens so i just got invested into piecing together a little backstory for him using, like, the cumulative knowledge of literally every other piece of science fiction ive ever consumed in my life. this was summer 2019 when i was making initial pitches for my thesis film, and so i just randomly decided to pitch “animated version of ziggy stardust” as one of the potential ideas. shockingly everyone liked it a lot and so did my professor who thought it was really cool, and then i just ended up sticking with the character and working on him for an entire year. ziggy became my hobby but also my homework. he was such a fun character because everything about him was interesting to me and i had just enough source material to have a starting point but so much room to take him in any direction i wanted to.

What keeps your inspiration going? — honestly, yooooou guyssssss. i have some really amazing fwends that ive met thru here .... and some of our dumb stupid stories have literally become NOVEL length. it just self generates inspiration because you realize the limitless amount of stories you could tell with this one single character when your character enters his story or he enters their story and etc. etc. ive drawn endless amounts of comics and stuff for him ... ziggy is just so endlessly interesting ... cringe be cringed bro but recently (i know this sounds dumb bear with me or die.) ive kind of realized a lot of how i rp z comes as some metaphor for the experience of being an asian immigrant/being asian in the US -- his home “culture” is a lot stricter than the rampant selfish individualism of the usa (he only lives in the uk and usa, so he thinks the whole planet is like this), he’s dissuaded from standing out from his community and his selfishness becomes a community burden rather than a personal flaw, and when he does come to earth, he goes through such awful culture shock, literally nothing makes sense to him and everything is Different. and while some things are different in a Nice way, something things are different in an Awful way, and he’s given the option between losing his true personal identity as an atominan and giving it up to be a human. the allure of being a human is a little too much but losing yourself like this is traumatic, in a way. obvs like ... a little silly and definitely not something that i actively intended to put into his story arc, its just something that fell into place cuz i guess i worked so closely with my own personal experiences and feelings of “alienation” (pun intended) to try to understand how he would feel being a literal alien an shid. its cathartic to write about him. but he also has a lot of my own personal interests just thrown in -- 70s fashion, scifi, science, tryhard implications about human nature, art history, whatever dumb nonsense i get into

Some more personal questions for the mun.

Give your mutuals some insight about the way you are in some matters, which could lead them to get more comfortable with you or perhaps not.

Do you think you give your character justice? YES / NO / SOMETIMES?

Do you frequently write headcanons? YES / NO [ i would prefer information to spring up organically in the story but cuz threads always get dropped i end up just telling people outright. i didnt want anyone to know his home planet/his old name but barely anyone writes enough with ziggy to get to that point to reveal it (i legit managed to do it organically Once) so i just had to write it in a post lmao orz ]

Do you sometimes write drabbles? YES / NO [ wrote a ton of drabbles ! drew a ton of comics! ]

Do you think a lot about your Muse during the day? YES / NO

Are you confident in your portrayal? YES / NO / I DUNNO?

Are you confident in your writing? YES / HAHA NO.

Are you a sensitive person? YES / NO. / IDK ?

Do you accept criticism well about your portrayal? — definitely! like i said ... my version of ziggy ended up being the protag of my thesis film and for 1 yr straight his characterization, backstory, design, and even how i wanted to animate his fucking movements (ziggy stardust timing charts.) were beaten to death in a classroom environment, torn apart and rebuilt into something better. had i stayed with what i originally wanted to go with, ziggy would be so different than how i write him 2day. amazingly my pre production professor is a literal two time emmy award winning storyboard artist and animator so he definitely helped me design him (my version of ziggy is meant for ... a cartoon, obviously, not real life) and give him a better backstory? and my post production professor is a retired disney animator who worked on hercules and a bunch of old disney channel shows? had i gone wah wah wah i dont want to hear ur critiques i wouldnt have made him better. if you ever think ziggy seems inconsistent or poorly written ... tell me !! i literally major in ... animation. cartoons. entertainment. my job is to entertain you. if you are not entertained, there is a problem. ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED ????

Do you like questions, which help you explore your character? — I LOVE QUESTIONS? i love ... answering questions ... if you ask me something ill come kiss you.

If someone disagrees to a headcanon of yours, do you want to know why? — sure! i dont know why that would happen, though, because i mean ... he’s an OC. but i gues someone could be like “i feel like this is incongruous to things you’ve previously established in his character” or somethin

If someone disagrees with your portrayal, how would you take it? — i feel like a lot of b*wie stans would find my version of ziggy weird but i mean thats fine! i guess my goal is to have a well written character, not necessarily an accurate version of ziggy

If someone really hates your character, how do you take it? — if you hate MY version of ziggy thats fine but if u hate ziggy stardust in general (like the bowie concept) then u need some taste what the fuck is cooler than a egomaniac genderless bisexual rockstar alien with red hair? nothing. go back to watching your CW shows you dirty filthy normie

Are you okay with people pointing out your grammatical errors? — yes! dm me though. dont clown me on the dash like that. i usually write your replies 12 AM - 4 AM so it’s expected.

Do you think you are easy going as a mun? — hmmm ... maybe! i do like to talk to people and i am VERY nice, trust me, if youre ever sad ill do everything i can to make you feel better. but im quiet! i dont really reach out to people and i tend to just keep to myself. im not very social or extroverted at all haha i barely can make ooc posts without feeling like god’s coming to beat my head in with a brick. im sitting here at 5:30 AM with this meme feeling like if i post it i will die (BUT I MUST)

#a lot of it is under the readmore because these always get so long and mine is long long long long long long long long long long long #ooc #KEEP YOUR 'LECTRIC EYE ON ME ; queue #and thakn you for tagging me ! i like to mkae Words

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jasnnine · 5 years

Text

Opinions on the moon signs, Part II

Here's my part one:

Scorpio moon 🦂🖤

Ah yes, my closest cousin and mother. Two people i charish and value very much. I cant describe the connection i have with these moon signs, but it is indeed intense and something like no other. Scorpio moons are deeply loyal and strong individuals. All the ones ive met love to plunge themselves into the depths of their mind. They are super sensitive and have a hard time with confidence. They test others because they dont think they deserve to be loved, when in reality they are amazing lovers/friends and deserve every inch in return. A lot of them have a hard time coping with the realities of life and in some cases like to turn to drugs/alcohol in order to escape. My cousin doesnt like dealing with her emotions and my mom sees them as a sign of weakness. You should really let yourself feel whatever you need to, scorpio moon. Its better to live life being true to yourself than hiding away in fear of not being "enough" or judged by others. You are so interesting and intricate in fascinating ways. Your true friends will stay by no matter what because of how much they respect having you by their side.

I love this moon sign, 11/10

Sagittarius moon 🍃🧘🏽‍♀️

Ive only known a few people with this placement and ooh wee are they a good time! You guys are so fun and have a really nice personality. Usually the guy/gal cracking jokes and trying to make their friends laugh and usually succeeds cuz of their wicked sense of humor. Finds joy in the little things and has interesting tastes. Has awesome style and is super smart bookwise. However, the ones I've known have been irresponsible due to their impulsive behaviors. Also loves a good debate which may sometimes lead to arguments between good friends/partners, doesn't like someone telling them what to do and will run at the first hint of possessiveness. Their lives usually seem like a whirlwind, but their positive attitudes help them through.

Real fun peeps, but not exactly people who i tend to keep around or who willingly stick around themselves. Its a 6/10 from me.

Capricorn moon 👶🏽👴🏽

Old in the mind but children at heart, this placement has to be my favorite of them all. My bestfriend has this moon sign along with my sister. You guys are so practical and hardworking. Always looking out for your a fam, a really good colleague and friend. Knows when to act serious and when to put in the effort to reach their goals, always has a goal. Doesn't spend too much time lingering in the past, unless there are other water placements, and likes to take higher steps in life. Usually the manager/boss type who likes their dominance. Has deep feelings but just needs the right person to express them too. Is the friend who gives you realistic advice when you need it. Financially aware. One thing i have noticed with this moon sign, is they have a hard time handling their emotions. I imagine it comes to them in waves and they're not sure how to calm it down and therefor get into episodes of panick or anxiety. Werent really allowed to feel while growing up because of all the expectations set upon them by family and thus creates someone with a lot of built up tension and discomfort. You guys should sit down and acknowledge whats going through your head and avoid letting it build up. There are people near you who care, you dont have to battle life alone.

Fav moon sign for sure :>

Aquarius moon 🤬💥💎

Most of the aquarius moons ive known had earth sun signs so here we go:

You guys are real interesting folk with a good sense of humor, have HELLA FRIENDS, loves to party or waste your time doing nothing, and are unconventional to a fault. Always interested in the world or some type of spiritual path, open minded as well, and have probably done everything your parents warned you not to do. Restless spirits. Bold af. Very quick to learn new skills. Maybe a tad bit too restless, ignoring boundaries and getting trouble often. Rebellious as can be. Humanitarian.

Im giving this one a 7/10

Pisces moon 💌💫

What a placement, huh? This one is mine, and mann is it a trip. I haven't met a lot of pisces mooners in my life, but hey im one and that counts right? I guess what i can say is that i have a really weird fucking mind and sometimes believe im not like most people, I for sure pity myself a lot and feel like im comfortable with melancholy. Its true that reality is just a sound in the distance and instead i keep my attention focused on building my ideal lifestyle; I get upset/hurt easily plus have a difficult time accepting criticism in a healthy form. Being the way i am with all my flaws, i have a lot to say about the negatives, but i often fail to notice that i am only human after all. And so are you my little pisces reading this. One thing a lot of us fail to see is how admirable our creativeness and willingness to easily accept others is. We love love and have no problem helping out our friends and even strangers on the street. We are big sweethearts and are actually very courageous. Wear your heart on your sleeve with pride pisces, it takes courage to be that vulnerable. Go out and heal the world with that endless energy you have, everyone deserves just a little bit of it.

Thank you all for reading! I hope you have a good day 💋

#tumblr astrology #astrology #moon signs #scorpio moon #sagittarius moon #capricorn moon #aquarius moon #pisces moon #scorpio #sagittarius #capricorn #aquarius #pisces #birth chart #placements #for fun #thank you

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modesty-blaise · 5 years

Note

Since I'm curious, what caused you to become very possessive of your gifs? Not out of rudeness but curious, since no matter what you do a lot of them show up in the gif function on Tumblr which automatically credits you at the bottom of the gif.

Hey. Tbh, at first I didn’t wanna bother with yet another anon but since I see no ill intent behind this, I decided to go and answer it. Unfortunately, half-way through I realised my reply is turning into incredibly long semi-bitter rant and expands well beyond calling out just one person in Psychonauts fandom (and yes, this is related to Psychonauts fandom – you do know that these anons are not really that anonymous, right?) so… buckle up! All that beneath “read more”.

I’ve been on this hellsite for like…7-8 years? Maybe more? Can’t really tell cause I moved blogs and my old blog now consists of only 4 posts I’ve made close to leaving so I honestly have no idea how much time I’ve spend here before moving. Anyway, during those few years I’ve spent on my first blog I’ve met a lot of creative gifmakers who enjoyed sharing their love for fandoms they were in. I’d like to point out that this was waaaaay before tumblr created that insert-gif option so, back in the day, the only way to add gifs to your post was to: 1. make them yourself 2. take them from someone else. And a lot of people were taking them from someone else which resulted in many gifmakers giving up on making gifs and leaving fandoms and/or even leaving tumblr – and I’ve had many of my friends give up on what they love and have their games/shows/movies/whatnot ruined for them cause people would not stop stealing from them. And many of my friends eventually left tumblr cause they couldn’t deal with it anymore.

Tumblr adding insert-gif option, in my opinion, honestly, just made it worse for gifmakers. Cause now people had the opportunity to use gifs for their posts, with or without creators’ permission/knowledge, but it was alright and it was perfectly fine cause creators were credited. There’s their name at the bottom. It’s alright. Like… it doesn’t matter if they’re actually okay with people using something they’ve put hours into making or if they’re not – tumblr gives them credit so they SHOULD be okay with it. Simple as that.

Well, we’re all different and some people are not okay with that. I’m not okay with that. It took me weeks to figure out how to use photoshop correctly. Took me countless hours of looking through different tutorials and basically trial-and-error-ing my way through the process. Whenever I make gifs, it takes me hours to record videos and then hours trying to achieve that 3mb limit on gifs (thank lord these days we’re beyond 1mb limit). After all that effort I put into creating gifs for games that I love and enjoy, someone is going to make 2 clicks and have that same gif added to their post, without even asking. So how is that okay?

Back to your question. Yes, “no matter what you do a lot of them show up in the gif function on Tumblr”, that is true and that is something I was aware of when I saw you-know-who announcing they would be starting 30 days Psychonauts challenge. So, hating to see my gifs used against my will, and not wanting to start any unnecessary drama and threaten people in advance with reporting them if they do use them, I’ve made my blog as private as I could. It was only accessible through the dashboard, it was not showing in ANY search engines inside and outside tumblr, and my gifs were impossible to find through insert-gif function – I’ve made sure. I did all that cause I just knew that during those 30 days, someone would use my gifs and I would get mad and I desperately wanted to avoid that (hence going extreme). And you know what happened? You know what creator of this challenge (who prevously already reposted my gifs) did? *drums* They used my shit anyway. :3 They just uploaded it from their computer, where they’ve saved it earlier.

And like… a lot of people see pretty pic and decide to save it - I mean, we all do that. Heck, even I have a folder full of shit I saw online and liked it – but i’m not uploading it online cause I haven’t made it. It’s not mine to share.

But some people are not like that.

Some people see fanart of something they like and they want to share their opinion on it – and instead of making their own post, maybe drawing the fanart themselves, they decide to use someone else’s art for their post. Do they know who made it? Do they have creator’s permission to share it? If the answer is NO, then they should be a decent human being and not do that to creators. Oh, they shared it anyway but now people in fandom are calling them out BUT this actually happened on accident? They know who the creator is but, somehow, they accidentally forgot to credit them? OK, well, it’s possible, shit happens, but they better make sure it doesn’t happen again.

Then sometime later these same people decide they want to make a post appreciating their fav character and they want to include pics cause duh, you can’t have character appreciation post without pics, right? Now they have several options: they can get their own screenshots, make their own gifs, maybe draw something… or they can just take someone else’s creation. Do they know who made it? Well there’s my fuckin name on it, and since they’ve stretched it from 245 to 500px, it’s really hard to miss, plus it’s not like there are that many people making Psychonauts gifs. Do they have permission to share it? Hmmm, nope, didn’t ask me. Is this also an accident? Could be. I mean, I’ve seen stranger things happen, so accidentally forgetting to credit content creators twice… kinda suspicious but still possible. Who am I to say?

Now if these people then decide to make a post appreciating their fav ship and they want to add a cute pic of the loving couple – yup, you guessed it! They can either create something or take something. Again: they know who did? They asked for permission? Got the permission? No?!?! But they posted it anyway?!?! :o Could it really be, that after being called out publicly, after being told that reposting is bad (something that’s very easy to understand), after even having tumblr staff intervene and remove stolen shit from their blog, after all that - could it really still be an accident?

Nah, man.

They just don’t give a shit.

Cause if they did, they’d stop with that crap first time they were called out.

(and if you think Psychonauts fandom is their only fandom and that they’re not doing this crap in other fandoms too - hoooo, boy, do I have some bad news for you! Do you know how many stolen and butchered HP fanart is on their blog? Hobbit stuff? They seem to be one of the most accident-prone users on tumblr. And honestly - it’s a real miracle their blog’s not been terminated.)

Back to what I was talking about - I’m not okay with people using my gifs and I’ve made it very clear. I literally do not give a shit if I’m credited or not, I’ve made it very clear that I don’t want my gifs used without my permission. If you like them and want them on your blog, there’s a fuckin reblog button. It’s sole purpose is to allow you to share other people’s creations. Or shitposts, cause lord knows we all love those.

So that’s why when someone spends hours going through my Psychonauts tag and goes as far as to send me “I love your gifs” anonymous message, but the very next day makes stim moodboard post including one of my gifs, now cut and resized to fit 3x3 format they’re going with, I get mad. And that’s why when someone uses one of my gifs to promote their RP blog, butchering it to fit their aesthetics, and later when confronted going as far as blaming their good friend on it cause god! they’ve had no idea it wasn’t theirs, I get mad. (makes you wonder though: if they friend has such skills, why not making them gifs themselves?)

Like…. I’ve had my gifs stolen plenty of times. I’ve had them stolen for roleplaying, for headers, for imagines, just for notes… I’ve had them stolen by people claiming to run official fan sites (that’s a real wild story but I won’t get into that now)… I’ve seen them on pinterest, weheartit, FB, all those random gif sites… and I’ve seen EVERY. POSSIBLE. EXCUSE. ranging from: “well i found it on google so why should i credit you” “lol dunno who made this but its pretty so im posting it” “ive had it on my computer for years so i don’t remember where i got it from” “i dont know how to make gifs so im using weheartit as a source” “credit to whoever made this” (that’s my fav) to “its just a gif so who gives a shit” (it’s not – it’s hours of creator’s time and lots of love that you’re now shitting on so thanks) and “i have an /illness/ and getting notes makes me feel better so dont u dare blame me for stealing” (I don’t remember exact excuse but it was something along those lines and like… how do you even respond to something that without looking like an asshole?).

And sometimes it really is just an accident. Sometimes people really do forget to credit you and/or ask you for permission. And I’ve had my fair share of those accidents. People in Psychonauts fandom have been using my gifs for various crap but, when approached, they’ve removed it and apologised. And it’s something I really appreciate. (if they actually bother reading this and they recognise themselves: i’m really grateful and thank you for not being an ass)

But you know what I don’t appreciate? People making a call out posts about me, asking about my gifs when they know very well they’re the main reasons why I’m not making those gifs anymore, at the same time failing to address any of the issues I have with them and instead rather explaining to others what happened BUT explaining only the parts that make me look like a villain cause how I even dare be mad about them stealing? How I even dare call them out on it? That is so ridiculous and criminal of me, and it’s so so sooooo bad that they need to call me out. I deserve to be called out by the very same person who’s been stealing my shit.

And their explanation is…well… it’s something.

They were sympathetic and polite? When did this happen? Did I completely missed that part? Please someone fuckin enlighten me with such post/message where they expressed their sympathy and politeness and I’ll apologise right this second.

I told them to “literally fuck off”? Yeah, that did happen, I admit that. Did they bother explaining why I told them to fuck off in the first place? Did they say they were caught stealing from me and had tumblr stuff remove my shit from their blog? Did they get into details of how they demanded the proof of my so very wild and obviously false claims but then when I showed it, they just deleted that “how dare u call me out cause I would never do such thing” post? No, they didn’t and geee, I really wonder why.

Instead, what did they choose to address? Out of all the things I’ve said. Hm? What did they choose? Me telling them to fuck off. Me dropping the F-bomb on them, rudely rejecting their obvious kindness and politeness. Nothing else.

Back to what I was talking about before I got derailed again: no, I’m not mad cause this person used my gifs without crediting me. I mean – I am, but that’s not my main issue with them (and they know it). My main issue is that this is someone who will continuously lie and steal and still deny any of it, even when there’s plenty of proof (and you can always count on me to show up with proof tbh), and then go as far as to publicly ask about my gifs and try to call me out. Like me getting mad that something I’ve put hours of work into, and something I’ve made cause I love the game and I want to share my love and appreciation for it, is now being shared against my will and my knowledge - like me getting mad over something like that is so unreasonable that they need to make an entire post about it while pretending they have absolutely no idea why I’m even mad and why we have issues.

And I have every fucking right to be mad. 3 times is not an accident. 2 times to the same person is not an accident. They know it. But yeah, playing stupid is their defense so it’s not like I expected them to actually address their actions this time either.

And you know what? Just because I swear a lot doesn’t mean I’m wrong. Doesn’t mean there’s no solid ground for my claims. People on tumblr have always been and always will be stealing shit. Sometimes they will credit you, often they will not, and that’s just how it is, doesn’t matter if you’re okay with it or not. But that doesn’t mean I’m just gonna sit quiet and accept someone’s shitty behaviour. Especially when it’s directed at me.

TLDR: giving credit =/= having permission

but my previous posts leading to this ask were not about that

you knew that already

#psychonauts #this is a lot longer than i expected #meh #also: all those posts are now under one tag #so you don't have to check my blog 4 times per day #that hobbit reposter #my psychonauts stuff

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thiefcat-niao · 6 years

Text

Ending the Session (Chapter 1)

Fandom: Yu-Gi-Oh! Characters/Ships: Gemshipping (Thief King Bakura/Ryou Bakura); Ryou Bakura, Thief King Bakura, Atem, Yugi Mutuo, Zorc Necrophades Rating: T Length: Chapter 1 / 3; 2300 words

Summary:

Into Ryou's lonely apartment comes a spirit, an ancient power that speaks and manifests through the Ouija board kept beneath the bed. It calls itself Tou, and claims to be human. Ryou believes.

Read on AO3

Previous Chapter – Next Chapter

Chapter One: Tou

Ryou Bakura arrived home; his small apartment greeted him with silence, and with the faint scent of his supper simmering in the slow-cooker. He flicked on the light and put down his grocery bags, then set to putting his groceries away. At some point, he reached up to tug the tie out of his hair, letting the white locks tumble down around his shoulders. He didn't bother to work the tangles out with his fingers.

The only sounds were the squeak of the refrigerator door, the rustling of plastic bags, and Ryou's occasional, thoughtful mutters as he tried to find space for milk and whipping cream among plates of thawing puff pastry.

Once the groceries were put away, Ryou checked the personal-sized roast in his slow-cooker, steam bathing his face as he opened the lid. He added in chopped vegetables for the last half-hour of cooking, then went to shower. When he emerged, dressed in a plush house-robe and with damp hair clinging to his neck, he collected his supper and took it to his secondhand dining table.

The meat was tender and delicious, and Ryou hummed softly into the silence as he ate. Still, he thought, perhaps he could add a bit more onion in, next time he fixed the recipe. He answered a couple of texts from friends, phone sitting beside his plate—a question about a shared college class from Jounochi Katsuya; a invite to coffee from Yugi Mutuo; an amusing internet post that Honda Hiroto had forwarded him. He smiled, thinking of his friends.

Ryou finished his dinner; started the dishwasher; sliced himself a generous piece of the creme cake he had made the night before; retreated to his bedroom.

In the hush of his apartment, Ryou sat on his bedroom floor; turned off his lamp. He set his cake down and pulled out a box from beneath his bed. From within the box, he pulled out two pillar candles and lit their already-blackened wicks, then set them up in front of himself. He pulled a woody amulet out from beneath his shirt and let it hang prominently against his chest, then set a notebook and pen beside his cake, within easy reach on his right. Last, he unfolded a worn-out board bearing the alphabet, a set of numeric symbols, a "yes" in the upper left corner, a "no" in the upper right corner, and "goodbye" spelled out at the bottom.

With one hand, he cut himself off a forkful of cake; with the other, he moved the planchette onto the board's "G."

"Hello," he said, into the silence of his apartment. He kept his left hand light on the planchette. "Is anyone here?"

Nothing disturbed the hush; Ryou took a bite of his cake. Any apprehension he had once had about using the Ouija board had faded with time. It was as normal to him, now, as fixing his dinner or taking a shower. He'd lost count of the candle-stubs that had gathered in the bottom of the Ouija board's worn box. Though he knew—and believed, to a greater or lesser extent—that using a Ouija board alone was a bad practice, in general, it was the only way he had ever played with one.

"Hello?" he called again. Some nights, there was no answer. Some nights, the apartment remained silent.

That night was not such a night.

"h-e-l-l-o-t-h-e-r-e"

Ryou felt a smile break onto his face, honestly delighted when the planchette moved slowly across the board. He could feel the presence—long practice had given him some physical sense of it, whenever a spirit answered the board's call. This particular spirit had a somewhat more powerful presence, though the planchette seemed almost cautious, and Ryou shivered.

"Hello!" he said, making an effort to sound friendly. "I'm Ryou—Ryou Bakura! What's your name?"

"im called... tou..." the pointer spelled out.

Ryou felt a thrill travel through him, from his pounding heart and into the fingertips of his left hand. He scribbled down t-o-u in his notebook, with his right hand. "Tou? Nice to meet you!"

"nice... to meet you... ryou..." was the reply, and Ryou's smile grew.

"What are you, Tou? If you don't mind me asking."

The planchette hesitated; Ryou could feel that the spirit hadn't left, but it didn't answer immediately. When it did, it spelled out, "h-u-m-a-n"

While aware that spirits weren't always the most truthful of beings, Ryou was inclined to believe this one. There was something oddly fervent about the answer, and Ryou heard the word as if it had been spoken aloud: human.

"That's nice. So am I."

"h-a-h-a... i would assume so..."

"Have you spoken to the living like this, before?"

"yes... once or twice..."

"Oh? Do you like it?"

"i appreciate the company..."

There was a wryness about the reply, and Ryou laughed aloud. "That's why I do it, too. I like the company. Thank you for answering!"

The planchette was still, for a moment, and then spelled out, "youre odd... different from others ive talked to..."

"Really? How so?"

"n-e-d-j-e-m"

Ryou blinked. He was confident in his ability to read the board, but the word seemed like nonsense. He jotted it down, to be sure, and still couldn't identify it visually: nedjem.

"you live alone..." the spirit spelled out, and it occurred to Ryou suddenly that there was no question mark on the board. He didn't know whether to interpret it as observation or question, but decided to answer it anyway.

"Yes. I moved out of my family's home when I started college."

"no roommate..."

"No."

"friends..."

"Yes!" Ryou was surprised, but genuinely pleased. He'd never had a spirit engage him about his own life, in such a way. There wasn't much to tell, but he was glad to share what there was. "I have some very good friends."

"thats good..."

"Do you have any friends? Wherever you are?" Ryou asked.

"haha... no... no friends for me..."

Ryou felt a stab of sadness. "I'll be your friend, if you'd like."

The planchette moved suddenly, erratically, almost slipping from beneath his hand. Ryou squeaked in surprise, but watched closely; assured himself that the movement was apparently random, not calculated figure-eights or a numerical pattern. The candles flickered.

"youre crazy..." the spirit spelled out, when it had calmed. "what do you think youre doing... making an offer like that..."

"I think I'm making a friend," Ryou said, a bit indignant. "Just because you're a spirit doesn't mean we couldn't be friends."

"and i suppose youve made friends with spirits before..."

"Well, no," Ryou admitted. "I've made contact with spirits before, lots of times, but..."

"but what..."

"But they don't usually come back."

There was a pause. Then, the spirit said, "i cant imagine why..."

Ryou felt heat rise to his face, and tried to convince himself that he wasn't being charmed by a wandering spirit that had appeared at his Ouija board. "I'm not a very interesting person..."

"youre kind though..."

"I-I'm not anything special."

"i beg to differ..."

"You've known me for five minutes!" Ryou objected.

"thats true..." the spirit calling itself Tou replied. "but id like to know you for much longer..."

Ryou pulled up short; realized what he'd just read. "Oh... I mean, of course! Does that mean we'll be friends?"

"sure... if youd like to call us that..."

And again Ryou smiled. "Of course! Glad to be your friend, Tou!"

"glad to be your friend... ryou... well talk again..."

"Do you want me to end the session, then?"

"for now..."

Though slightly saddened, Ryou nodded. "Alright. Is it strenuous, to make contact like this?"

"a bit... im a tired old spirit ryou..."

"How old are you, Tou? If you don't mind me asking."

"three thousand long years"

... ... ...

Ryou lay awake, deep into the night, thinking about the three-thousand year old spirit that called itself Tou. He stared up at his blank ceiling, wondering why the apartment didn't feel as empty as it usually did.

The spirit might not come back... he reflected, no matter what it said...

He hoped Tou would come back. Perhaps, he thought, Tou hadn't even left, after the session had ended.

When morning came, Ryou resisted the urge to pull out the Ouija board; went about his morning routine, instead, in the silence of the apartment. He left for his morning classes, and then worked an uneventful shift at his local bookstore. But when he returned home, he could scarcely be bothered to fix himself a sandwich out of leftovers for supper.

He could feel the spirit's presence, and felt certain that Tou would be there when he pulled out the Ouija board.

He wasn't disappointed.

"hello again ryou..."

"Good evening, Tou! Thank you for answering!"

"its not as if i have much else to do..."

"So, have you been a spirit for three thousand years?"

"ha... well i wasnt alive for three thousand years..."

Ryou huffed. "I guess I meant, well... have you been a wandering spirit for that long?"

"i never made it to the afterlife... if thats what you mean..."

Ryou's eyes widened. "So there is one, in proper? An afterlife?" He hoped such a question didn't apply as inquiring about his own death—a thing to be absolutely avoided when using a Ouija board.

"there is..." was Tou's reply. "anubis guards its gates well... even i have no chance at sneaking in..."

Ryou couldn't tell if the spirit was being tongue-in-cheek; it didn't seem like a serious response, although the board didn't allow for clues like tone or facial expression. "It's not painful, though, is it? Being wherever you are?"

"are you asking if im in hell..."

"No!" Ryou replied. "I mean... I suppose, but that's not why I'm asking. I'm concerned!"

"concerned... about a spirit you just met yesterday..." The planchette moved slowly, and Ryou wondered if it was due to bemusement or derision. But he was certain he could feel Tou's pretense, in the apartment, and it didn't feel spiteful.

"I am. It would bother me, if you were in pain." When the spirit didn't respond, Ryou forged on ahead. "You don't seem like a spirit reaching out from hell, though, or whatever version of the concept of hell actually exists. I imagine a spirit like that would be more... volatile. Even if they weren't abjectly hostile, or bad, existing under those conditions would wear at someone."

"wandering around for three thousand years can wear on someone too..."

"I'm sure it does."

The planchette moved back and forth, just slightly; pensively. Ryou waited patiently for the spirit to speak again, content to feel the gentle rock of the pointer beneath his hands. When the next message finally came through, it was, "i would give anything to be alive again..."

"I'm sure. I'm sorry."

"for what... not you... dont apologize..."

Ryou paused; chose his next words carefully. "I'm sorry you had to die. And I'm sorry this is how we have to meet."

The spirit, too, took a moment to reply. "youre still young... too young to think of death as reality..."

"How old were you when you died, if you don't mind me asking?"

"2-0"

Ryou felt a stab of sadness. "That's how old I am..."

"well... ive still got three thousand years on you..."

Ryou smiled. "That's true, I suppose."

"it wasnt so terribly young... by the standards of when i lived..." The spirit seemed to be musing aloud, and Ryou appreciated being privy to its thoughts. "most only lived to forty... maybe fifty with luck..."

"Where did you live, Tou?"

"somewhere far from here..."

The answer surprised Ryou. The spirit hadn't shied from answering any questions so far—although again, Ryou had to remind himself, the truthfulness of such answers couldn't be taken for granted—so the dodge was unexpected. Ryou decided quickly not to press the matter.

"Do you know why you're wandering? Why you can't find peace? I could try to help, if you wanted..."

"have you done that with other spirits... played medium..."

Ryou shook his head. "No... but I figured I'd offer. If you don't want that, that's fine, too."

Tou was silent for a long moment; Ryou could feel a light pressure on his hands, above the planchette. "no... no i dont want that... i know whats keeping me here and its not a thing you can help me deal with..."

"I can be a sympathetic ear, at least. Do you want to talk about it? The thing that's keeping you here?"

"no"

The answer was abrupt and decisive, and Ryou nodded. "Alright. I'm sorry if I upset you."

"h-a-h-a-h-a-h-a..." The laughter made Ryou blink, surprised. "upset me... no... no... its nothing you did..."

"But you are upset?"

"a little... i told you ryou... im a tired tired old spirit... and talking about things like this... im damn tired..."

"If you want to talk about something else—"

"i cant take much more of this ryou..."

Ryou paused; waited to see if the spirit would elaborate, and then asked, "Much more of what?"

"of being dead... i want to live again... id give anything..."

Ryou's skin prickled with alarm. It was a dangerous thing for a spirit to say. And yet he still felt no malice or aggression from the spirit—only bitterness and exhaustion.

"I'm so sorry, Tou."

"dont... apologize..."

"I'm so sorry..."

The planchette moved aimlessly for a moment, like a restless pacing. Then Tou said, "dont apologize... you are... helping..."

"Thank you, Tou. I appreciate your company, too!"

The planchette was still, although again Ryou could feel the presence lingering in his room. Then, "end the session... for now... im sorry i just... have to rest... a while..."

"Of course." Ryou smiled; tried to infuse his voice with all the affection that might be conveyed by a parting embrace. "Rest well, Tou. I'll talk to you again."

"talk to you... soon..."

"Goodbye."

"goodbye"

#gemshipping #yu-gi-oh #ygo #thief king bakura #ryou bakura #tkb #fanfic #fanfiction #this got out of hand whoops

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arreumddawo · 3 years

Text

27/3/21

HIIIIIIIIII, i’ve only blinked and its already MARCH. this time last year, what was i doing? i think i’ve already went for this current job interview and then a while later, the lockdown was announced~ but wow, time really flies huh. *cues the angmoh man blinking gif*

for the most part, i really want to write down the feelings i’ve been feeling (melancholy and loneliness) for the past few days and how i’ve sorted them out internally AND how i just want the future nabilah to just READ this and REMIND HERSELF that everything will be okay. it will be okay you dramatic, overreacting bitch! it will be okay. haha okay lets starteu~

#/melancholy

i’ve been feeling downcast the past few days. i dont even know where to begin. melancholy as well as feelings of sadness and depression have always been a part of me since 2017 im not gonna lie but lately, these episodes got a little bad despite me trying to keep myself occupied hahah. for the most part, i am just really really afraid of getting older. i really am. its not so much of the “getting older part” which gets to me i guess but its more of how lately, i just want to turn the hands of time and go back to my past when i was 16 in secondary school (heck even primary school) and just live a life where i didnt have to worry about anything except for studying you know? where times were simpler and i was (definitely) happier. i miss wearing a school uniform, i miss only having to worry about my studies, i miss being at home at noon and watching disney channel until i accidentally nap and not understanding trig/physics/chem. oh- what id give to be in my youth again. id do anything. i would study harder and change my whole course of life and hope that i could be someone im proud of. im desperately clinging on to good memories. i terribly miss being young. i really do.

and recently, i feel like im expiring, i feel old (really old) which is funny cos ive only turned 23 BUT the fact will always be that im turning 24 this year (2021) AND its when the bone-crushing realisation of getting old really sinks in (for me). i find myself looking back at my accomplishments (which trust me is little to none) and i just feel like people are accomplishing great things (even at such a young age). there’s nothing in my life where i can truly be proud of. what have you done with your life, nabilah? questions i ask myself everyday. but then again, people would say the past experiences have shaped who i am today and without them, i would’ve been a completely different person WHICH brings me back to the next point. the current me right now who is writing this post is not someone im all that proud of either. i feel like- i feel like im struggling (keyword: struggling) to achieve great things before i turn 30 (and trust me when i say i dont even want to live that long of a life). i’m tired of adulting, of getting old, of having to worry about financial issues, of having to worry about whether i’m at that milestone where everyone expects me to be, of wondering whether im really suited for this field im currently working in. im aware that it may be very shallow of me to think this way considering that there are some people in their 30s who will probably read this, laugh at me and say “you’re still young + you still have a long way + you still have time to figure out your life” but the FACT is THAT im NOT young! i still have a long time to figure out my life? yeah that is if i plan to live way over my 30s (which i DONT). side note, my biggest fear is actually living a long life. so.. like.. what now?

#/loneliness

this is a very touchy topic for me considering that i am planning to devote myself to the single life and dying a virgin because i really dont think (keyword: really, really) there’s a man good enough for me out there. even if there is, he lives only in my imagination. and yes, as embarrassed as i am to admit it, YES i do feel lonely at times. honestly, i really thought that loneliness is something im able to handle really well considering that ive been single.. what? my whole life? LOL HAHAHAH (its true. sucks to be ugly.) but yeahhhh as of late, during times when things get hard at work and i start tearing up in public transport on the way home, when home doesnt feel like home anymore, when the world conspires against me... i look up and wonder @God, “don’t i deserve someone who i can talk to, who loves me for who i am, who doesnt mind the mess i am?” ok that was abit cringey but yeah i used to be ashamed of secretly wanting someone special despite swearing to the single life BUT thats just how it is! and honestly i feel that humans are not psychologically meant to be lonely, that is why we’ll always crave for a partner (even if we dont need one). but all that aside, its not like im going to even try and find one (like i said, there is no one good enough for me out there) and i absolutely detest the idea of getting married and having kids so i will have to suck this lonely feeling up and just live. for the most part, i just wanted to point out how lonely this adult life can be.

side note: its really great that i have a really good support system (my siblings and friends), so yeah.. i’m really grateful for that<3.

things i want the future nabilah to read (now that i have come to terms with these feelings):

phew that was a rollercoaster now wasnt it. now that you’ve typed all that and acknowledged what you feel, i have a few things to say to you.

i just want you to know that you are (as much as you dont want to hear this or dont believe in this), you are doing well (at least the future you reading this wont look back and be embarrassed of who you were). you may not have done well for o’s, may have slacked a bit during poly and uni and regret everything academic wise (and yes personality wise) but always remember that, these things do not define the authentic real you. not getting into a local university and not achieving greater things in life during your youth, these are trifle things that you shouldnt be ashamed of or even beat yourself up about. after all, they dont matter in the afterlife?? so like, stop it. its not like you can go back to the past and change it, you only have control of the present and thats WHAT you have to work on. as tough as it may be, as much as you refuse to get old, the harsh reality is that you have to and you will. you have a degree and you’re getting experience working in the field you have always been curious about and you’re on your way to get a another diploma under your belt. you’re really doing the most if i must say??. and you’re so lucky to be able to love what you studied and do what you like. off track and a side note, i wanted to tell you that i woke up today feeling a tremendous shift in me (and i really honestly think its because of the conversations i had with zim, bff and syiqs the past consecutive days). but i honestly woke up feeling excited at what i have to offer the world. you may not be the prettiest and the smartest but the amount of love you have (and willing to give) in your heart, the feelings of empathy you’re capable of and the change you want to make in lives.. these are things that define you and you can do just that. there are times where you will definitely feel afraid and wonder if you’re doing the right thing but as long as you keep reminding yourself of your morals and values, i think you’re pretty much on the right track.

and i know, i know you hate yourself more than anything else in this world. the face you see in the mirror and the horrible things you feel inside you, your dumb thoughts and all that but i really pray that in the years to come, you’ll grow to be kinder to yourself (and definitely the people around you). be kinder to yourself and have courage to face your flaws and work towards being a better person everyday. be kind to everyone (especially your parents) and just have a little faith that you can go through many hurdles in your life. you cannot do everything but you can do some great things and that is enough. i dont have to remind you that everything here and now in this world is just temporary right? remember the podcast you heard yesterday? true happiness will be in the afterlife, inshaAllah. death will come for you, you just have to be patient and never forget to work towards the afterlife. also dont feel too lonely. ultimately, you know you dont have the mental capacity for things like marriage and having kids and all but dear nabilah, if you get lucky and love comes to you one day through Allah, i hope that you dont close your doors firmly shut to it and embrace it if you may (only run when the guy proposes cos u aint got no time for that). last but not least, please never let go of good memories. cling on to them and let them be attestations of your kindness and love. always be kind and always try to be better for the people around you. i hope you’re smiling as you read this, i hope you’re proud of who you have become and i hope that you continue to always remind yourself of amazing person you are, despite all that you went through.

- 23 year old nabilah (technically 24 this year but hey SUCK IT TIME IS A SOCIAL CONSTRUCT)

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suspiciouslypinklady · 6 years

Note

RIGHT BLOG THIS TIME >:( (also lmao sorry it took so long I was playing league xD) alrightalrightalright leggo: Dairoe: 1, 3, 8, 11, 18, 25, 33, 49, Sharon: 2, 4, 16, 24, 30, 40, 47. also bonus if you post art of ur babies ^.^

jfdhdfjhfd sorry it took ME so long to answer this!! i got really excited so i had to call my gf to answer dairoe’s questions bc guess what its her oc

I CANT MAKE THE IMAGE SYSTEM WORKK FUCKKK TUMBLRR (click here please)

👇 👇 QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS BELOW BC IT LONG 👇 👇

(disclaimer: sharon is a 2000 year old “demon” that can control liquid water that’s actually a monster but as a humanoid shes hot so whatever/ dairoe is an almost 2000 year old nymph from greek hell even tho she too butch and ripped to look the part. she controls fire a bit)

Sharon:

02. What is one of your character’s biggest insecurities? Are they able to hide it easily or can others easily exploit this weakness?

She’s actually pretty confident and kind of intimidating so it doesn’t really show but one of her biggest insecurities is her role in any kind of intimate relationship apart from acquaintance. Sharon’s reaaally bad at forming strong bonds so when anything similar to that is happening (first of all she pulls away like a fucking avoiding person) she gets scared because she KNOWS she’s bad and that she’s a terrible company, she isn’t great communicating or being open and lacks so much experience that doesn’t even know the basics to Relationships 101

Tldr; if her partner was like ‘hey you suck and im leaving’ she’d be like ‘that’s fair. Im terrible, bye.’ Bc she’s insecure

04. What are their favorite traits about their lover? (one psychological and one physical)

She likes that this other bitch has gone through similar stuff as she has (2000 years of human bullshit), they have the same background and both are some kind of old ass mythical being, so they can actually share a lot of input about the world and have long conversations together, it makes her feel less alone even if she doesn’t know it (she’s alexithymic af)

A physical one is that this huge jacked woman is very warm at all times?? And that feels nice?? She can also stim w her 4583744 thousand arm hairs

16. Is your character the athletic type or more of a couch potato? What are some sports/games that they like?

Not particularly any but is more inclined to Athletic bc she loooooves water and could swim all day. She’d also play any sport as long as it’s competitive bc SHE-CANT-SAY-NO-TO-A-CHALLENGE

24. In their own words, how would your character describe what their lover is like?

“An unorganized, loud and rude mess. As a first impression at least.

While I’m sure there’s more than meets the eye I can’t say it’s something particularly easy to see. At this point I’m convinced we’re probably a bad joke from the universe, but well, I’ve always been told my humor is really bad so… this might just be perfect for me.”

30. When it comes to the arts (music, film, theater, etc), what does your character like?

Theater is the epitome of art for her bc she’s an ancient greek thing.. she’d probably see any type of play, for music she loves classic and (yes) the 80s?? who doesn’t love the 80s though

40. Does your OC have any guilty pleasures they enjoy? Hobbies, past times, music, etc that they wouldn’t want known by others?

She stims a lot in private, she used to do it openly when she was ‘young’ but then noticed people reacted negatively to that. So now when she’s alone she does stuff like spinning on her chair repeatedly and others

47. Is your character outgoing? Would they be the leader of the friend group, or the quiet one that gets dragged along?

NOT at all,, mostly quiet if she doesn’t have anything to say, and gets particularly awkward with small talk but she’s still social as in , if she gets invited somewhere she’ll most likely go

Dairoe:

01. What does your character’s name mean? Did you pick it for the symbolism, or did you just like the way it sounded?

SHFSJFSJ im dying because actually my gf pulled this name out of her ass bc it sounded cool but later we discovered it means something like bulls? In greek??? So that was pretty fitting

GUEST STAR: HELLO IT BE ME, suspisciouslypinklady’s GIRLFRIEND coming in with the BIG OL’ QUESTIONS

it IS true I just pulled a nice sounding name out of my ass and way later I put it in the translator to greek to see if it even was something and it WAS. It means bulls indeed. God i’m so good

03. What would be their favorite physical trait about themselves?

This is super hard for her actually, she’d definitely say how she’s fit but she would only like that on a good day. On bad days, she would probably say her eyes? Or hair? But she wouldn’t be a fan of her own physical traits.

08. What is, perhaps, their biggest flaw? Are they aware of this or oblivious to it?

She’s a big meanie but I wouldn’t say it’s her flaw. It’s probably how stubborn she is when it comes down to opening up? Being herself? Like she’s super mean but it’s only to fit this ‘persona’ she has built, and if she didn’t feel the need to, a lot of her problems would go away. But then again, it’s complex, she’s been like this for centuries!

11. What is something that would make your character fly into a rage?

Loved ones being hurt :( Also I guess being harassed to the point of rage, but it’s less likely. She’s not prone to full blown rage, though she can be hotheaded, she controls herself.

18. What kind of home would they want to live in? Where would they place this abode?

A farm filled with animals and her Wife ← what Fanfi wrote and it’s True. It’s so sensitive she doesn’t talk about it, but she has a farm near Switzerland where she’d happily live with her animals and her Wife.

25. Is there something traumatic from your character’s past that greatly affects them even to this day?

This question is so good ← what Fanfi wrote and it’s TRUE. it’s 100% that one time she felt so disgusted by her own physical appearance that she used magic and it made what she thought was a ‘monster’. It was like a huge fuck you from the gods, considering she was never a beautiful as what a nymph should be, you know? But that’s in the past, and it hasn’t really come up since you don’t talk about ancient magic in modern times.

33. If your character wanted to be alone, where would they go?

The farm but withoutgf ← what Fanfi wrote and… it’s true but she would also wander anywhere, she has high survivability in nature so she can virtually go anywhere and be ok. She has done this a lot of times.

49. What is something that your character has nightmares about? Are these frequent? Do they heavily affect your character’s mood?

I don’t think so actually! I think she has pretty standard nightmares but her REALLY bad dreams must be themed of her early days, where she pretended to be an attractive lady, and she was glorified like a deity under her illusions so they won’t see her ‘true self’. Going back to that haunts her, but thankfully waking up usually calms her down and it doesn’t happen often. It doesn’t affect her mood, but on a bad day it may :(

(bonus 2 for reading this far holy fuck)

#THIS IS SO LONG #if anyone reads this please know u have a place in heaven and in my heart forever and always #if u dont its ok believe me i understand u dont have to omg #ocs #oc things #asks #sharon #dairoe #storybooksimblr

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sophiaridlingtonmua · 6 years

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I became Facebook ‘clickbait’

So you think becoming ‘clickbait’ on the biggest social media platform in the world would be great, right? your face plastered all over millions of peoples screens, everyone thinking you’re an inspiration? Well no, when millions of people are believing a re-written, completely made up interview that had been posted on Facebook pages that exist solely to make ad revenue, it becomes a bit of a nightmare. If you recognize me, yes, I’m the girl that ‘was dumped by her boyfriend when he saw her without makeup on’ that got shared on Facebook constantly for months, well that didn’t actually happen, but we’ll get to that later.

So it all began when I was 19, I began to get psoriasis on my face and instead of people calling me out for looking different without makeup on, I thought I’d just let everyone know that I was dealing with this and not to judge anyone with a skin condition -Its incredibly sad that I had to do this in the first place, but unfortunately in my town and probably in many other towns and cities, people aren’t very open minded and accepting. After posting this, I got so much support from not only friends and family, but from fellow psoriasis sufferers so I decided to carry on posting, not only to inspire, but it also helped me grow and gain confidence within myself.

I began gaining more and more support with every photo I posted, and then when I was aged 21 I got a direct message from a journalist asking if he could write an article about me and how I cope with having a facial skin condition and how people in my life have treated me, this is where I said that I had an ex boyfriend that wasn’t very supportive, I was 17 when we was together for a year, halfway through the relationship I broke out in psoriasis but ONLY small patches on my body, he told me he thought it was disgusting and was nasty about it but we ended up staying together for a few months after that and breaking up for completely different reasons, but in absolutely no way did I intend on the whole thing becoming a sob story, I wanted it to be about my journey in finding self confidence. Then the British newspaper ‘The Daily Mail’ bought the article, and well, things got a little insane.

I was in one of the most read papers in the UK, which I was pretty proud of. It was overwhelming more than anything, of course I got a lot of unnecessary hate comments, but a lot of people find it a lot more difficult to be supportive and nice rather than mean, comments like ‘This is why you should take a girl swimming on the first date’, but I didn’t find anything offensive, if anything it made me laugh. The article that was featured in the papers was lovely and inspiring, but within that article they quoted me saying: 'My ex-boyfriend didn't stick by me and it broke my heart at the time, he didn't appreciate me for who I was’

From this, clickbait news websites thought this would make the perfect article for Facebook and they wasn’t wrong, but instead of using the article as an uplifting, inspiring piece of writing like it was intended, they changed the headline to ‘Teen with disease gets dumped when boyfriend sees her without makeup on’ and that’s when the messages came at their hundreds and the followers came in their thousands, as much as I am grateful to have these people supporting me, I cant help but think that its for the wrong reasons, I never wanted anyone to feel sorry for me.

Now I don’t know about you, its fairly obvious when I see a clickbait news article on Facebook but it doesn’t stop me clicking on it, even if I don’t agree with it, my curiosity always gets the better of me. With an article like this, i’d definitely click on it even if I knew i’d be spammed with ads or have to click next 50 times because i’m curious, not because I believe it. But there are so many people out there that believe that everything you read on Facebook is true, especially if its on a news website -But I’m here to tell you that its not true, I was never ‘dumped’ and I didn’t get psoriasis on my face until i was 19 years old, It’s all completely false.

Well after hundreds of Facebook pages had spammed everybody’s front page in the UK, it began to travel across the world, from India to Australia and I started receiving hundreds of messages and followers every day, showing support, marriage proposals, declarations of love, everything you could possibly think of. I know many people got upset that I wasn’t replying, but I wasn’t sure how to reply, I was so overwhelmed by the constant messages and comments that I just stopped posting, I got extremely anxious about everything and ignoring it all was how I chose to deal with it at the time.

I have thousands of messages on my personal and business Facebook, Instagram, email and twitter, as much as I appreciate the support there is also a lot of strange requests that have completely gotten lost in translation, Im sorry that I have not flown to India to marry anyone who requested.

The clickbait articles went on for months and months, and so did the messages. After quite a while they died down and I had gained thousands of followers and even though thousands of people believe these made up articles about me, I was then contacted by a Journalist that writes for Glamour Magazine and asked for an interview for the November 2017 issue about inspiring women and skin problems. I am very proud of myself for being able to inspire men and women and hope to continue to for as long as possible. I am glad to have had this experience, I have definitely grown as a person and become more aware of how you can be exploited online. Just please don’t believe everything you read on Facebook, Its more than likely there to make someone money.

#Psoriasis #makeup #instagram #clickbait #facebook #spamming #MUA #skin disease #exploitation #my story #daily mail #glamour magazine

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metricanxiety · 7 years

Text

for diamonds do appear to be just like broken glass to me

Genre: oneshot- idk.

Pairing: Phan. (dan and phil in case you didnt know that already.)

AU: Highschool/sixth form. Whatever you prefer.

Warnings: Swearing, underage ??, mentions to sex

Summary: After two years of heartbreak, Dan ends up sleeping with Phil off a drunken decision, and old, unexpected feelings come back up.

Author’s note: i am aware that this is really crap, but i am trying to improve, so please send me requests of prompts, hc’s, etc, because I will write them for you when I get the time. I’m kinda new to posting on tumblr sooooo. PLease keep this out of the main tags, (i.e danielhowell, danisnotonfire, amazingphil, philllester, etc) because i did not write this for them to see. If you are uncomfortable with mentions of gay sex/same sex relationships then im pulling a mannymua and telling you to please dont fucking read it.

“Pretty pretty.” Phil kissed the dimple adorned on the boy’s cheeks, making them turn a deep crimson. It wasn’t often they could be alone, where it was just the two of them, and they could do whatever they wanted. Dan was completely content. He was wrapped in the arms of Phil Lester, the guy that he’d completely fallen for. And although they were only young, he could sense something really strong between them.

Phil was warm, having his Adventure Time sweatshirt pulled over him, and a blanket draped over his legs. Dan rested comfortably between Phil's knees, back to his chest. The blanket, which they were sharing, was up to Dan’s chest, as he didn’t have a hoodie on. Phil’s arms crossed over Dan’s chest, with no plan of letting go. It was moments like these that Phil longed for. He couldn’t wait to have someone special to him, so they could be entertained just from the company of one another. And he finally had it.

Dan couldn’t help but to think about how lucky he was in that moment. Normally, on Fridays, Phil would be off with friends, spending time with them, but due to a holiday trip, they weren't going to be doing anything all together this summer. Which meant Dan had Phil all to himself.

Phil leaned down, pressing his lips to the skin poking out of Dan’s tee, and it may have been the cold, but Dan shivered under the touch. This was all new to him, he’d never been in a proper relationship before, or had anything romantically special with somebody before. So he was still growing accustomed to the constant affection, not that he didn’t like it, but everything was so new.

Dan turned his head slightly, only to see Phil, resting his chin on his shoulder. Phil tilted his head to look at Dan, and they both smiled, bumping their noses together.

It was Dan to finally close the gap, kissing Phil, just because he could.

When Dan was awoken this early morning, he wasn’t aware he had company. His eyes fluttered open when the rays of sun washed over his face, blinding him. The curtains were never closed the night before, because well, he didn’t even remember half of last night. The sun light lit up Dan’s bedroom, making the edges of his desk shine bright with the natural highlight accentuating the sharp corners. His plant drank up all the light it could get, as it never got much in the first place in it’s dark corner of the room. The pictures that littered his wall had a glare, making the faces unidentifiable, but Dan knew them well enough to know who was being blurred out.

Dan’s hand formed a fist, and rubbed both eyes, as if it would help him wake up, wipe away his constant feeling of restlessness, but alas, it never worked. He yawned, leaning over to check his electric that sat on his bedside table. The numbers lit up in read told the brunet that it was half past six. Dan groaned, throwing the white duvet over his waist, as he swung his legs over the side of the bed, getting ready to be up for the day. A chill washed over his skin, giving his goose flesh up and down his arms, realizing that, yes, he was completely naked. Not a cloth bared on his back.

Dan decided that maybe a few more hours of sleep would do, even though there was probably people piled in his downstairs level of his house from last night’s endeavors. They’d be okay for a little while.

Dan was known for his awesome parties, that’s the only thing keeping his name high in the food chain at school. And lat night was special: the first party of their last year of sixth form. It had to be amazing, because there was now a countdown to the very last party of their secondary school life. Everyone knew Dan would do well with this important night, and judging on what he remembered, he nailed it.

He tugged the duvet back up, flopping down onto his side, and was startled when he saw a body directly next to him, in his own bed.

And it wasn’t just a random stranger from his class, no, it was Lucifer himself.

Phil Lester.

Dan couldn’t believe it, because holy fuck he actually gave into this bastards antics, after two goddamn years of rejection, Dan finally gave in. And he hated himself for it.

You see, Dan never got on with Phil. At least, that’s what Dan told himself. When they were both sixteen, they had this fling over the summer, but they never took it farther than cuddling and holding hands. But, before school started, Dan thought he was finally with the guy of his dreams, but then dumped because friends got back from holiday. Specifically, Phil’s friends.

Dan was so heart broken, he didn’t ever think he would be able to leave the safety of his bedroom ever again. He never thought that Phil, his Phil, would ever hurt him after what happened between them. Sadly, however, people make promises that the probably will not keep, which Dan had learned the hard way.

Ever since, Dan watched Phil, seeing that he wasn’t the only rose petal being ripped apart by Phil’s hands, he wasn’t the only broken heart in the school. Poor, sweet, Liz Brekell, thought Phil was the love of her life after being asked out by him. She swooned over his exterior, and, even Dan admitted, was pretty fucking hot. Phil had muscles in all the right places, with straight, black hair that swept to the right, and his fucking smile, it definitely stole the show. But sadly, Liz was dropped for well, the net girl to drop to her knees. It was disgusting to Dan, that he too, had fallen for the scumbag called Phil Lester.

Dan gasped, brown eyes met blue, one screaming out of horror, disgust, the other of smug, and satisfaction. Phil had a fucking smirk spread across his cheeks, and Dan tugged his duvet away, covering his modesty. Phi, however, didn’t budge. The look in his eyes began the memories to flood back into Dan’s mind.

The alcohol, the kissing, the dancing, all the way until They stumbled into Dan’s bedroom, lips attached, zippers being pulled, buttons being ripped. Everything happened so fast, Dan felt as if he couldn’t breath.

“Morning, sunshine.” Phil’s voice was deep, raspy from its lack of moisture, and the strum of his vocal chords was probably the most sexy thing Dan had ever heard in his entire life. And if he didn’t have self control, he would have melted in Phil’s fingertips right then and there. Instead, he built up his walls of defense mechanisms. Last night was a mistake, he decided.

What Dan didn’t know, was that Phil thought it was hilarious that Dan hated him. He loved it, actually. Phil always liked a challenge. But when the rumors spread, about Dan and him, he was broken to have known Dan was no longer interested At least, that.s what Kyle Lockins said. So Phil did what any man would, moved on, and tried to make him jealous. He only succeeded at one of those things. He only really wanted the boy he had grown close to that one summer, the boy he kissed for the first time in the flatbed of his dad’s truck, under the stars of the country side.

A true night to remember, one of the best nights of Phil’s life, and he let the precious diamonds slip through his fingers, mixing with sand after returning to the rocks he was used to. Dan shined brighter than any gem in the treasure chest of their student population. But Phil could never say that out loud. Picking up pieces of the diamond you lost is more difficult than thought.

Phil shifted closer to Dan, trying to edge himself to the point of human contact, just to be able to touch him, but Dan had other thoughts. Dan did not want Phil any closer than the 38 centimeters they had between them, and ended up falling off the bed on the process. In some degree, Phil was hurt, but at the same time, he needed to take the situation in Dan’s perspective. He, as dd Phil, barely remembered last night, and was woken up to be naked in the same bed with the person he hated for two years now. He had to give the guy a little space.

“Oh my g-” Dan couldn’t even finish his sentence, before covering his entire face with his hands. the duvet flopped down over his waist, but was still half on the bed, over Phil. Dan wasn’t a monster, so he left it.

Phil too had his defense mechanisms, his just wasn’t as effective as Dan’s. He hid his emotions through flirting, being an asshole, basically turning into someone he isn’t. It was a barrier that very few people had broken down, but unfortunately for Dan, they built back up for him, without a realization he’d even torn them down.

Last night, Phil didn’t even know how he convinced Dan to sleep with him, because any time Phil tried to get Dan’s attention, he’d get shot down. Fuck, he wasn’t even personally invited to this party, like everyone else was. (Phil had no idea how Dan had talked to so many people to invite them to a party, because usually the entire class, plus more showed.)

“Dan, let me-” Phil began, but was interrupted by a sudden jolt, seeing the boy that was in his arms not ten hours ago, hide under the duvet.

“Just get your clothes and go.”

His beautiful voice, in Phil’s opinion, was muffled by the thick fabric separating the oxygen into two. He could never have Dan like this again anytime soon, but had to respect his wishes. Phil rolled off the bed, sliding on a pair of boxers, followed by his jeans. He didn’t want to waste too much time, as the embarrassment of the situation was worsening by the second.

Dan heard the door slam shut, and took it as the all clear. Well, not really. Nothing was cleared but his room. His mind had no source of ever being the crystal form of relaxation ever again, even if he only had that at rare times.

He had just broken every single rule in his book. That is, he only had one rule, (never fall for Phil again) but he seemed to be having trouble with that. You may be thinking that two years must have been enough time for these two to recover, and get over the bridge of heartbreak, but their connection was so special, Dan thought about it all the time. Sure, Dan had dated a few guys since, but they all just seemed to be short, no longer than two month, flings. Phil was no different, the only thing keeping him out of this category is the fact that Dan and Phil were never dating. Phil was never Dan’s, and Dan was never Phil’s. Yet, it seemed to be the opposite at the time.

The time Dan and Phil became a thing, Dan had just turned sixteen, and Phil brought him on a date as a birthday present. They’d been talking quite a bit before, but Phil thought this would be his big break with Dan. He was head over heels for the curly brunet, and only wanted him to be happy. He truly was the diamond in the rough in Phil’s eyes.

He hadn’t kissed Dan until three weeks into the summer, when his dad finally let him borrow the truck. There was a scheduled shooting star shower happening that night, and it was the perfect setting to finally feel Dan’s lips against his own. Phil thinks about that moment every night, to this day. The electricity shared between the two could have lit up a city. And if I’m honest, things may have gotten heated, but Phil never pushed Dan. He was younger, and barely sixteen, and Phil was like, the third person to commit to him. (Dan doesn’t consider the other two important because he was so young.)

Phil regrets every decision he made by the end of that holiday, however. His friends hated that he was spending too much time on a boy that wouldn’t last, so he kicked Dan to the curb. Rumors spread, and that was it. Yes, he did find it funny that Dan hated him, but there was always apart of him that wanted to prove to Dan that he wasn’t the piece of shit Dan had mad him out to be.

Dan kicked himself, for he didn’t even remember the feeling of the touch of Phil’s lips against his own last night, Even though he didn’t plan on going back to Phil, he wouldn’t trade what they had for the world. Maybe he needed a reminder, how he felt with him, even if those feelings are no longer adamant.

But for god’s sake, he fucking slept with Phil. He’d done something that his sixteen year old fantasies were based upon, and he barely remembers it.

Dan threw his duvet back up onto his bed, walking over to the closet that held his clothing. He felt the same as he did two years ago. Betrayed. Used. Desperate. Feelings he hasn’t felt with anyone else, and he gets so drunk on it. The taste is so bitter, yet so addictive.

Pulling up a pair of sweat pants, Dan thought he’d kick everyone out now, so he’d have the house to himself. He didn’t want to deal with his feelings, but pushing them away would only make then blow up in his face later on. He didn’t bother with a shirt, nor boxers, but it’s not like he wasn’t going to try and scrub off all of his shame in the shower in ten minutes.

The minute Dan opened the door out of his bedroom, he regret every substance he allowed into his house. Because not only was there a pungent scent of alcohol lingering in the air, he could smell the weed that people decided to smoke in the living room, which meant he had to wash the fabric until it was gone. Fuck.

Dan wasn’t really one to say no at parties, but everyone knew they had to at least ask. For example, the first time somebody brought alcohol, they asked Dan if he’d allow it, because it was his house after all. Until it caught on that yes, Dan wants you to bring all the alcohol your heart desires. Other questions consisted of if body shots were allowed, stripping, cigarettes, and now, I guess, marijuana. He doesn’t remember denying the question of weed, so he must have taken a drag last night. Usually he’d be against the whole ‘drug use’ thing, but when he’s drunk, his decisions can be unpredictable. Hence, the fact that he slept with Phil.

There wasn’t as many people sleeping on his floor as he expected, making his job much easier to complete. He stepped up onto his coffee table, bringing his hands to cup around his mouth.

“Everyone out!” He yelled. “My parents are on their way!”

And yeah, he may have been lying, because his parents both traveled for a living, so he still had four days until they’d be home. It was the best solution to get people to wake up, and scatter. People thanked Dan as they headed out the door, a thanks for an amazing night and a night to remember, a party that can only be topped by the final one. He put on his most believable smile, giving brief, friendly hugs to the last of the fish in the sea that was his own home last night.

The door clicked shut, and Dan immediately fell against the wall. His back slid down to the floor, and he pulled his knees up to his chest, as if he was protecting his heart from shattering, which, in some ways, he was. It took Dan so long to accept that Phil chose his friends over him, that now, it just felt like Phil was hurting him on purpose. He was slowly shattering into millions of pieces of heart break, all over again.

Dan felt sixteen again, going through the same process of regret, and hurt, all starting with shame.

He was really glad that last night was not the night he lost his virginity, because that would have made this situation even worse. Even though, that guy wasn’t all that great either.

His name was Henry, and he was the person to comfort Dan in his mourning over Phil. And, Dan was brainwashed, thinking that some guys are better than the one he fell for, gave him everything he had, but not four weeks later, did the end things. Dan thought he was doomed ever finding any sort of real love. Because even though Dan had Phil for a few short months, he still felt something more than just attraction.

He wished he remembered last night, to feel how Phil touched him, kissed him, felt him. How they connected in a way that they’ve never before, but both under the influence of alcohol running through their veins, making decisions for them before their minds could interfere with all the consequences that would follow.

Dan just felt like crying, because all of his feelings for the boy who had taken him for granted were flooding back like tidal waves, and if he just hadn’t fucking slept with him everything would have been fine, you dumbass, I can’t believe you-

He dragged his feet back up the carpeted stairs, just enough to turn the tap on his shower. Dan hadn’t quite seen himself that morning yet, so the surprise bruises scattered around his neck was quite the scare he saw in the mirror.

Hickeys were never something Dan liked, his neck was too sensitive for him to allow people near it, but well, Phil was an exception, he guessed. The marks were deep purple, fading into a red, then his skin tone. They were fucking dark. And they went from his neck, around his collar bones, to his V-line. The thought of having Phil’s mouth all over him made his skin crawl, and shiver. When he was sixteen, he dreamed of Phil’s mouth all over him, and now, after it happened, he only wanted more.

Phil was always so talented with everything he did, especially kissing, Dan decided. His plump lips were always so smooth against Dan’s, and the one time he actually moved to Dan’s neck, he never left a mark. Now, his neck is sensitive, and his actual skin is no different. He was so surprised when Phil pulled back, leaving no evidence that he was even there. And god, did Dan want proof Phil actually kissed his neck.

Looking at himself in the mirror now, was like a dream. This was his past self’s goal in life, to be marked up, claimed by Phil Lester himself. Dan had a sudden urge for more, to be covered in hickeys that Phil would have to suck and bite him to leave. Every sad emotion he was having before just turned- dirty. He wanted Phil to come back over, and have sex so they have something to remember by. It could be his teenage hormones, or it could be his crazy talking, but we all know it was both.

It would have been so easy to just ring him back over, logistically, but Dan had literally kicked Phil out earlier, so he wouldn’t be surprised if Phil hated his guts now. Could he blame him though?

Suddenly, after two years of telling himself no, Dan was saying go for it, despite his rule. Because maybe this was his shot again. Maybe Phil wasn’t an asshole, and had actual reasons to break up with Liz and every other person to ever date him ever, maybe Dan was different.

All this hype, and confidence, made Dan take the fastest shower he’s ever taken, because ohmigod he was actually going to do this, he was going to make the first move, he was going to invite Phil back over-

He was going to get Phil back.

Just the though made the sixteen-year-old Dan squeal, and tap his toes on the floor out of impatience. He denied his feelings for Phil every day, and suddenly, his entire path changed. It took a complete 180, because he went from hating Phil with every drop of blood in his body, to trying to get him back.

Even if it ended up only being sex.

Dan couldn’t stop staring at himself in the mirror. The marks on his skin, he knew, would turn into some type of drug for him. He loved it. He wanted to look like this all the time. The feeling of being claimed really turned him on, which was, apparently, a kink he had discovered this morning. But it wasn’t just being marked up, and claimed, he wanted it to be done by Phil.

A simple, comfortable outfit, would have to do for Dan, because, if Phil were to come over, he would need something easy to take off. Joggers and a t-shirt was the best he could do. And as Dan lunged for his bedside table to text Phil, tell him to come back over, he was notified that well, Phil had beat him to it. There were two notifications waiting to be read on his lock screen, both next to the simple name, of just Phil, no emoji, or anything to mark him as someone special.

Dan- sorry for last night, i understand if you need some space, but i really need to talk to you

text me if you decide you want to, i guess

Dan’s heart sank like a rock being thrown into the ocean, floating all the way to the bottom before being engulfed by the murky water, making the ocean floor not visible. Dan could’t just invite Phil over now, I mean, it hasn’t been forty minutes since Phil has left, and now things would be awkward, especially since Phil needed to apologize face to face, Dan thought that had to be the reason.

Then the memory of Liz, having her heart ripped out, and thrown in the garbage, right next to her v-card, by Phil was drawn back into his mind. Liz, who cried for months over Phil, probably never got an apology. What Phil did to Liz, was probably going to happen to Dan, for the second time.

The urge he had for Phil still remained, however. So Dan did what any person would do, wait it out.

Phil, on the other hand, was also freaking out. He too, still had feelings for Dan, obviously, and he doesn’t even know how he finally convinced Dan to give him a chance. He thought that after they reconnected, (literally, in this case,) he wouldn’t feel guilty, and everything would be great, and Dan wouldn’t hate him any more than he already did.

Except not really, they were both drunk and happen to hook up. It wasn’t really Dan giving him another chance, but more so, not saying no.

Phil could see it now, the broken pieces were coming together, but only if he doesn’t fuck up like he did again.

Phil scrambled for his phone, as he had left every conversation on do not disturb, except for the only person he cared to talk to, and his phone had finally chimed for the first time in two weeks. And it was exactly who he wanted. His beautiful diamond had finally shined over the sand again, and his was so grateful. Phil couldn’t get Dan off of his mind, because unlike Dan, Phil actually remembered that night with Dan more as time went on. And god, did he want Dan like that again.

He remembered having Dan all laid out in front of his, and he only wanted to kiss him, mark him, because he knew Dan loved it. After two years of trying to get him back, (well, trying to get him to go out, but he was never good at expressing that, as in, he attempts to make Dan jealous) this could finally be it for him. Phil wanted to kiss Dan like he did when they were sixteen.

He wanted to go back to that summer and change his decisions, so maybe he could have had Dan for as long as he wanted. Because even though Phil dated a few people, he never liked them, and appreciated them, as much as Dan. And they were purely to try and get Dan’s attention back on Phil. It never really worked.

“Hello?” Phil slid the screen so fast, it may have seemed desperate to Dan, with how quickly he answered.

“uh, hi, Phil. Look, I’m really sorry about kicking you out the other day, I was overwhelmed and I didn’t know what else to-”

Phil interrupted the sweet voice he had fallen in love with, even though he didn’t want to cut his time short from hearing it. “It’s okay, Dan, I came on too strong, and it was your house, you had the right to do it.” Phil exhaled. He seemed to talk faster and faster as his sentences dragged. Phil could hear Dan’s voice stutter, as if he was about to laugh, but held it back.

“In the text you sent me, um, you said you needed to, um, talk?” Dan could barely spit out his words. This moment had him so anxious these past two weeks, he basically forced his hand to hit the call button. And even then, he nearly hung up immediately.

Phil’s eyes lit up, because Dan actually remembered, but Phil didn’t. He couldn’t for the life of him remember what he needed to tell Dan. Of course, he could go with the plain obvious, and just fucking say how hopelessly head over heals he was for Dan, but there was something more, something that was perching on the tip of his tongue, but couldn’t quite spit out.

“Phil? If you don’t have anything to say, then I should probably-”

“Wait, sorry, just, uh, can we, um, meet?” Phil stumbled. He got onto his knees to attempt to search for his shoes under his bead, eventually pulling out the worn black converse. He held the phone between his cheek and shoulder as he awaited a reply.

“Like, now?”

“Um, yeah? If that’s okay?” Phil laced up his shoes, and shrugged on a light jacket- the England weather had turned quite shit, with rain being the most common in their area, oppose from the lovely sunshine they had a little bit ago.

“I don’t know, Phil, I-”

Yeah, two weeks ago Dan was literally ready to have Phil back, but he was glad he gave himself time to think. Because maybe he didn’t want his fucking heart broken again, by the same person that ripped into pieces in the first place. He couldn’t make it that easy for Phil to just waltz back into his life.

“Please? I can be quick, i just don’t want to do this on the phone.” Phil took a deep breath, about to walk out the front door of his house, still not remembering what he had to say to Dan.

“Fine.”

Phil cut the call, running out to his car, and speeding to get to Dan’s house.

Dan hadn’t been to keen on letting Phil come over again, but he needed closure, and if having a cup of tea in the awkward silence of his living room meant closure, then so be it. The marks on his neck had faded drastically, but you could still see the ghosting of where there was one before. That wasn’t fun explaining to his parents.

He really just wanted to take back everything that happened at the party, because it brought up old feelings that he really didn’t want anymore. Dan sighed, running a hand through his hair. What was Phil Lester doing to him?

Dan had his music on the speaker in the leaving room, trying to calm his nerves as he waited for Phil to arrive. And all that was running through his mind was ohmygodwhy on repeat, but it was too late for him to cancel. He didn’t even know what to expect from Phil this time, if he was looking to just hook up again, or if he was going to apologize, he had no idea.

Dan tried to distract himself, counting the freckles going up and down his arms, rearranging the cushions on the couch, changing his outfit for the billionth time, he just had to keep himself busy.

Dan was feeling so anxious over this, he couldn’t stay still, so when he heard the doorbell, his jitters intensified, and he could barely walk to the door without stumbling. He yanked the door open and it looked like Phil was in the same state of him.

He was wearing all black, and god, did he look so hot, in that form fitting t-shirt, and when he saw Dan, his smile was just so- calming, knowing that yeah, this is Phil. This is the Phil that he care for so deeply two years ago, he was standing right in front of him.The eye contact they shared, it made Dan feel like they were sixteen, both with very awful taste in clothing, inexperienced, and much shorter.

Dan had forgotten how much Phil actually meant to him, as all he did was suppress the pain he went through when Phil left him.The only reason he didn’t grab Phil’s face, and kiss the life out of him, is the fact that Phil came here to talk.

“Dan, I-” Phil started, but Dan flung the door open, letting him in. He didn’t want Phil to talk while standing outside, because A) its rude, and B) he didn’t want Phil to just be in and out.

Phil smiled, walking in, letting Dan lead them to the couch. “Do you want some tea, or anything?” Dan asked, procrastinating this talk even more. Phil chuckled, grabbing Dan’s hands, and pulling him down onto the couch. Dan took a deep breath, trying to relax himself. It was just Phil.

And that thought scared him.

Even though he was looking at the Phil he fell for, two years ago, he couldn’t forget about all of the awful things he had done in the time between now, and when they broke off. He just wanted his Phil back.

“Dan, I wanted to talk to you about what happened between us,” Phil started. Dan sat on one of his leg, so he could face Phil better. He sighed, running a hand through his curly hair.

“It was a mistake, Phil. We were both drunk, and our bodies did things before our minds could inter-”

“I wasn’t really talking about that. I meant, um, two years ago.” Phil gave a small smile, and Dan’s face fell.

Dan didn’t really like talking about him and Phil a whole lot, he didn’t want to remember what he felt for Phil, so his solution was to just not say anything about it with people. He hated remembering how happy Phil made him, because it only made him feel responsible for all the shitty feelings people had when with Phil, even though he had no reason to feel that way.

“Oh.”

“Yeah. I just, I couldn’t stop thinking about you after I made the clearly wrong decision. You were always on my mind, everything I saw reminded me of you, and it was like anything just screamed ‘Dan Howell’ to me, and it honestly was destroying me.“But I couldn’t just go back to you, no, my fucking choice was to try and make you fucking jealous, and end up hurting you more, and I was hurting others because I just, it didn’t feel the same.

“Now don’t get me wrong, I loved the fact that you hated me. I have no idea why, it was just, I don’t know, I found it so hot that you didn’t like me, or some god awful reason, and it was like a challenge for me to win you back.” Dan’s frown was slowly turning into a smile.

Phil wasn’t even looking at him as he spoke, but his hands were moving all around, expressing so much passion into this conversation as he rambled. Dan couldn’t believe that this was all about him, Phil was talking from his heart, and he was falling for him all over again.

“And I thought I was over you, I really did, but when you started dating someone, it would make my skin crawl.” Phil laughing slightly when Dan did, and Dan moved a little closer to Phil, laying his arm across the back on the couch, as if he had his arm around Phil, without touching him. “I couldn’t even imagine somebody holding you under the stars like we used to do, because I was supposed to be the person doing that. I was supposed to be the person holding your hand in the car as Muse blasted through the speakers, I was supposed to be the person running my fingers through your hair when you were stressed, and couldn’t deal with anything else. I hated the fact that I had taken the connection we had for granted.”

Dan blushed, looking away from Phil. His words were magic, and he could tell Phil had thought about this a lot. Phil grabbed Dan’s hand, bringing his attention back to him. And Dan let Phil hold his hand, something that Phil thought he would never be able to do again. His slightly calloused fingers slotted perfectly into his, and he swore he felt sparks when they touched.

“And then we fucking slept together. We slept together, Dan! I barely remember anything, but I knew I had convinced you, I had kissed you, and I hate myself for it, because I didn’t have the guts to tell you how much I fucking like you sober. Because I do, god, I do. And I just, I’ve wanted you back since that summer. Since our summer had ended.” Phil had moved himself so they were almost on top of each other. Dan’s mind was racing, everything he had just said made him want to cry. Nobody had ever spoken about him that way, and the feeling was so indescribable.

They sat there, remaining eye contact with one another, hand in hand, processing the feeling just exchanged, and Dan did it. He launched forward, smashing his lips against Phil’s, nearly knocking him over. Phil responded immediately, letting go of Dan’s hand, and bringing them to his back. Dan brought his hands around Phil’s neck, and pushed him, so he was laying on top of Phil.

Both of them laughed, when they separated for air, bumping their noses together. Phil leaned back up, pressing their lips together. They had forgotten how amazing their kissing was, electricity was flowing through their bodies, sparks were flying, because fucking finally, they realized hoe meant for each other they were. Their lips moved together as if it were natural, like they were made to do this together.

“Are you sure it’s tonight?” Phil asked, he hugged his hoodie closer, as Dan practically dragged him to the pickup truck in Phil’s driveway. Dan rolled his eyes, throwing the blankets into the flatbed.

“I promise. Now c’mon, I don’t want to miss it.” Dan threw the keys at Phil, who caught them with surprise.

Today was the day Dan was supposed to throw the last party of sixth form. Everything was planned as well, Dan’s parents were out of town, again, Phil had helped spread the word, and they had a shit ton of food. But when Dan found out about the meteor shower happening, he dropped the party like a hot cake, and was dragging Phil out to the county at eleven p.m.

They were relaxing on the couch, with Dan’s head in Phil’s lap. Dan was paying attention to the anime on the telly, but Phil had his eyes on the iPhone game, while the other hand played with the curly locks of the boy he loved, when Dan suddenly sprang up, remembering the exact reason he had cancelled his party that night, why they were at Phil’s house instead of Dan’s, and dragged Phil out the front door, leaving the warmth behind, and entering the bite of the cold outdoors, even though it was June

Phil didn’t mind though. The only thing he cared about was the beautiful diamond that he had to hold in his arms tonight, because he finally collected all the pieces he had lost. It was nice to call Dan his after so long of a disconnection, he’d do anything for his Dan. And if that meant going out to sit in the middle of nowhere to see shooting stars that probably won’t be very visible, then he’d damn well do it. He’d do it just to see the little crinkles in Dan’s face when he smiled, the sparkle in his eyes when he’d finally see what he was looking for, or the way he’d get jumpy, and excited during times leading up to plans. It was Phil’s favorite.

As Phil drove, he realized that he lived for these moments with Dan, he couldn’t imagine his life without Dan by his side anymore. All his future plans revolved around him,(but Dan didn’t know that) Dan was the actual reason of his existence. Just the thought of not waking up in the morning and not having his usual ‘good morning, love’ text from Dan made his face fall.

Phil really didn’t know what he was missing out on during their two year gap.

But all that mattered now, was that he was heading out to go watch the stars with his favorite person on the planet, and he couldn’t have been more happy to say that.

//hello hi this is the end. I really tried w this one, but i didn’t like the end result as much as i hoped, sorry the quality went to shit after the first bit lol. tanks for reeading :) also the theme didnt really keep up but its whatever im sorryyyyyy

#phanfiction #phan fiction #phan fluff #phan smut #phan angst #dan and phil fanfiction #fanfiction #phan oneshot #metricanxietyfics

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