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#you make things unsafe
inkskinned · 11 months
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im having a particularly terrible night with urges and imagery that i dont know how to handle. i gave in to some things. held back on some others. but im barely holding on, dear internet stranger.
you do not owe me your time or your words.. but if you could write some hope into existence for me.. i would be unendingly grateful to you.
please. tell me how you do it. tell me how you survive. because im not so sure i can get through the fifteen days it'll take to get to my seventeenth birthday.
could you please give me something to place my faith in? i dont think the universe is watching out for me anymore.
i don't usually answer these, because i am not a professional, and you deserve professional help. when i was 17 i was terrified of the idea of professional help, because my household was extremely unsafe, and made it clear that if i ever chose to get help, i would be punished for it.
i hope this is not your case. i hope that you can call someone, and they can take you where you should go.
but i will give you the advice that i wish i got, when i couldn't get help at 17, when i was so bad that years later, i literally don't-know-how-i-survived it: what you want is peace, not death. your brain is sick. it has romanticized an ending where there are no consequences. where effort isn't necessary. where you can just... forget.
you want peace. that is a normal, human thing to want. maybe it feels more like you want quiet. or just... to take a break for a second.
here is what i will say: to end yourself means you never get to experience what it's like to actually be happy. i thought i knew what it was like, and i was bitter about it. i'd say - i've been happy, it's not worth it, because i didn't know what i was missing. i thought that happiness meant having a partner or having a job or money or a college degree. it sounded like effort. it sounded like something that had to happen to me.
for the first time in my life, just this week, i was able to go to a concert and just-enjoy-it. no liquor, no drugs. just stomping my feet and getting caught up in it. i didn't feel nervous or self-conscious or overwhelmed. i just had a good time. these days have a lot of these firsts for me - it is the first time i can eat cake without crying. it is the first time i can be around an exacto blade without supervision. it is the first time i have too many people to call when i am crying.
i can't tell you where you'll run into happiness, only that, for me, it started once i was out of that fucking house. it started once i figured out where the pain was coming from. once i figured out that i was not possessed, something medical was wrong with me. that i am not stupid or lazy, i have depression and adhd. the first few years were difficult. at 19, during my efforts to recover, i actually got worse by a considerable margin. and then, with time and patience - i got better.
happiness doesn't feel like what you think it will. in movies it's so golden and all-encompassing. but it doesn't fly into your hands when you buy your first car nor does it arrive in the arms of a partner nor does it require passing your classes. happiness came to me on a tuesday in the form of a red-winged blackbird, and i looked at her, and she looked at me, and i said - oh. the whole world suddenly filled itself in with color. like i had been forever-asleep. like every corner of every room was suddenly glistening.
it ended quickly, back then. it just stopped in to check in on me. but it was enough - this thing i had never experienced, but that i knew (logically) could happen. before that, i was only staying because it would make my mom sad if i died. that was my only reason. and then the happiness came, so strange and brilliant and lovely that for years i couldn't even look at it directly.
these days, things are so different. life is so much easier. i don't wish for death because so much of what i have is already at peace. my boss understands when i need a mental health day. people in general are less prone to high school drama. entire communities hold my hand and have my number. i have a car and a dog and a little apartment garden and candles on all available surfaces and today i bought myself a little cake just-to-celebrate-nothing. my body is my own and we are both dancing.
there are so many things i've gotten to taste in the last 10 years. i know, for you, that is an eon, because it's more than half of your life. but if it helps? in the 5 years between 17-21: i filled myself with laughter and love. i got to be a lead in a ballet and got my first tattoo and then my second and pierced my ears the way i'd wanted to (one of them professionally the other over a hot stove with a potato) and i discovered hozier is my favorite singer (i know. he was new back then) and i got my first real job and my first real paycheck and i hadn't ever been seen as smart but then i started to actually treat my adhd as a condition rather than a burden and people started saying you're like the smartest person in the room and my best friend met her husband who i will one day stand next to as maid of honor when he is her groom and i got to help people and make a stupid blog called "inkskinned" and find out that writing is actually my passion and that maybe i'm actually kind of good at it if i just practice and i got to meet my parents' dog (his name is kaiju) and i slept on couches and kissed people and tried new things and learned how to breathe without feeling my chest tighten and that peace is here, on this planet, that peace echoes everywhere, it is in my hair and my homework and my houseplants, it is quiet and divine and mine because i fought for it and i built it and yes i lost hair over it but holy shit the whole world feels like it is shifted through a sunbeam
recently someone asked me if i could go back in time to 6th grade, with all the knowledge i have now, would i? and without thinking, i barked absolutely not. i know i should say it's because i wouldn't want to risk losing any of this stuff - but really it's because i would never survive being a teenager again. it sounds incredibly lame and impossible, fake - but being a teenager was the hardest thing i ever did. i had no voice, no control, only fear and hatred.
but i did survive it. nothing about me is special. nothing about me is stronger than you or better prepared or more efficient. i didn't survive it perfectly. i made a lot of mistakes and lost a lot of friends and harmed myself in ways that i'm still recovering from. but i did survive it. and there is a part of me looking at you in the past and saying - i'm you in the future.
and holy shit. every day. every goddamn day i'm glad we survived to see the rest of it. because you hit 18 and everything changes. like, everything. and holy shit, it is infinitely worth it.
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bucketwritingpail · 5 months
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Thinking about Danny wishing to go back to a time where he wasn't constantly in danger, and Desiree not being able to find a time in his life that can fit the bill so just,,, nothing happens.
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ask-the-rag-dolly · 14 days
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i'm going to be honest what you all have been doing is harmful to her wellbeing and will have considerable impacts going forward and yes i am saying this right as it's too late to change it , you're welcome everybody
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aroanthy · 1 month
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i love how fraught and complicated discourse around various utena characters ‘dying’ is when anthy is literally stabbed to death eternally by a million swords imbued with human hatred. and then utena gets stabbed to death by them also. like. ‘death’ is incredibly interesting in rgu because most of the time it’s this ambiguous figurative thing that has interesting implications re: ohtori as a closed-off world one can escape. we are all trapped in our coffins. mamiya is the only named character with a grave. nemuro memorial hall functions as one all the same. ruka is implied to have died in the hospital— was he dead all along? who was the boy we saw for these two episodes? is this dead boy the same boy, or is this just another coincidence from the shadow girls, cutting like a knife? it’s heavily implied that akio and anthy murder kanae by poisoning her, adding to the previous implication that they were poisoning mr ohtori too, but there are no perceptible consequences of this. kanae’s absence is not felt. she’s fed an apple slice. what happens to the bodies? we know what happened to the 100 boys, but what about everyone else? and so on and so forth. ‘death’ is a tricky thing in utena, i think it’s constantly functioning on figurative and literal levels in very different ways for very different purposes. dios died. dios was dying. dios didn’t die. he grew up. etc etc
#what am i trying to say here?#idk! think about all of the pieces you have#dying is complicated in ohtori in countless different ways#and i find it boring to see so much ‘this character is dead and that’s it’ stuff#when death is used farrrrrrr more figuratively than some ppl give credit for#and i think the movie too does wonderful things with death#and what ‘dying’ really means#being disbelieved. being forgotten. being rejected. haunting despite this#much more interesting to think about wrt commentary on abusive relationships than it is#to think about what?? oh me when my brother died but plot twist he’s alive and can walk on this road all cool. like?????#akio doesn’t have the power to make himself revenant#he THINKS he does and he absolutely has power when he’s alive and he imbues that power with such meaning that it does live on after him#but ANTHY. anthy is the one struggling with herself and her feelings and the impact of trauma and abuse (that power!!) in aou#he’s dead? he died? she brought him back through her memories? or she’s left him (metaphorical death) and he’s haunting her??#all such interesting interpretations#i haven’t mentioned touga bc i don’t have the energy today. if dead and just illusion of others memories then why active. why awful#like in aou akio is only Obviously scummy when he’s alive. his illusory self is based upon anthy’s love for him#if anime!touga is nothing more than nanami/whoever’s memories of him before he died……. why does he actively choose to suck again and again#like nanami wouldn’t do that. unless it was meant to be a subconscious thing like ooo he’s dead all along but that’s not what her arc is#it’s not ‘he’s been dead all along’ literally or figuratively. it’s ‘he’s unsafe and i don’t want him’#sigh. once again i am asking people to think about nanami and touga’s dynamic through touga’s eyes#it’s so interesting to me how people forget to consider his motivations or feelings on ANYTHING#like sure his motivations and feelings are scummy but they’re interesting!!!!! they intrigue me!!!!#compel me even#anyway ignore how i said i didn’t have the energy for this and then typed it all out anyway#dais.txt
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dishsaop · 4 months
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one of the hardest things you can do, but one of the most rewarding, is understanding the fact that if one of your friends is annoyed with or mad at you, they will tell you. and if they are annoyed with or mad at you and they dont tell you, that burden is on them, not on you. catastrophizing in your head about how your harmless interactions might be enraging or disgusting a friend is damaging to you both. if someone respects you as a friend and as a person, they will tell you if they need a change. otherwise, its not your problem, baby. you are both individuals capable of communicating your needs, and neither of you (i am assuming) are telepaths.
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thelilcreature · 7 days
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Littles who want to explore their gender! It's not bad or icky or immoral to do it! We're constantly learning about ourselves in every way and it's a good thing to do! You can like cars or dolls whether you're a boy or a girl! Maybe you're nonbinary! Maybe you're a new gender entirely! It's not bad. Littles should feel comfortable with themselves too!
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theshadowrealmitself · 8 months
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Current thoughts: A Human (rightfully) punching a Vulcan in the face for something and the Vulcan actually immediately realizing they fucked up and agreeing with the Human that punching them was the most logical course of action and becoming their number one defender of the Human not facing consequences
More specifically, I’m imagining them passionately (for a Vulcan) petitioning for this Human not to get in trouble, citing all the logical reasons they should be let go, and after a long while of this, barely dropping the bombshell that they were the person who got punched by the Human
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The sick feeling you get in your stomach as an undiagnosed/closeted autistic hearing friends/loved ones make fun of or talk about "what's wrong with" the openly autistic people you know
#sometimes I think about telling certain people and then I'm reminded why I shouldn't <3#em rambles#autism#autistic#actually autistic#autistic things#ableism#even the people who do know are still iffy sometimes like you may think 'I usually don't get along with autistic people' is a compliment bu#it just makes me uncomfortable lmao#idk it's just like. yeah I don't 'seem' autistic with great intentionality around certain people because they've shown#me how unsafe it is lmao#I just hate that people think you're just quirky and different until you put the autistic label on it then there's something WRONG with you#or say you couldn't be autistic because there's nothing WRONG with you you're not THAT bad you're not LIKE THAT#I mean like. ideally I would like me telling people to expand people's ideas of what an autistic person looks/acts like but the sad reality#is that it'll just end in either disbelief or bullying#most likely#you know in ratatouille when remi thinks humans aren't so bad and then his dad shows him that shop with the dead rats and rat poison and#traps and the next morning remi tries walking down the street and people scream and throw stuff at him and call rats disgusting creatures#and he says 'I was reminded how fragile it all was'#that's the vibe as a closeted autistic lmao#you find people who accept you and think maybe it's not that dangerous. maybe it'd be okay#and then other people remind you why you mask in the first place#my autism is the rat hiding inside my hat
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arty-cakes · 5 months
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something about this is so eerie. Its looking up at the steps i'm going to descend when I chase after it because its waiting for me. idk why but it acting like it has very specific intentions or that it knows exactly what im going to do is terrifying lol
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fernsnouveau · 6 months
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What if we suggested that if you can't defend the Miraculous S5 ending without sounding like Mother Gothel, don't do it at all?
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ask-richard-jackdaw · 6 months
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[Just a general reminder for those who roleplay: make sure you don't dictate other characters' actions and feelings in your asks and replies ☺️ Nobody wants to have their autonomy taken away! If you really want to make your intent known, instead of writing "He hugs her" try "He makes a move to hug her", "He attempts to hug her", "You can see it in his eyes that he wants to hug her", and so on. That way the other character can change the narrative if they are uncomfortable 🫂. But even in that case they are not obligated to reply and you should respect that.
And if you think that nobody is interested in your blog — I guarantee it's not the case! Chances are, not that many people know about your OC/MC/character you play so try to put yourself out there! Engage with people! Send asks, write replies, do reblogs, DM if you have any questions or if it puts your mind at ease before plunging into rp! I know it's hard if you're a shy or reserved person. But nobody else can solve this for you 🫂 ]
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flaticeball · 6 months
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the idea of a Gayest Player In The NHL bracket at all is already in poor taste to some degree bc i get everyone loves to make the “they’re so gay for each other fr” jokes but the condition of the actual league and its actions right now is like. you do understand why calling these people Gay Icons (Positive) for funny haha jokes is just. at best inappropriate timing, yes? but the idea of literally including one of the guys who got pride nights cancelled with his homophobia is just. can we take a minute to realize that hockey fandom doesn’t take place in a void completely unconnected to reality and see that this is just. a Really Bad Look. at best.
#gav gab#saw someone reblog the actual bracket intro post with among other things#‘mom come pick me up they’re calling tseguin a gay icon in 2023’ and like#LMFAO. YEAH. FOR REAL. YOUVE SEEN WHAT HE SAID ABOUT THE SEDINS YES?#anyways get outta here with that shit#people have gotten real confident with the ‘they’re about to fuck at centre ice’ thing and saying hockey is a Super Gay Sport#which is a fun joke to make with your friends online ig#as annoying as i find it generally#but you do understand this isn’t real yes#and i know the bracket is not making claims about reality#but what it IS doing is including players like eric fucking staal#in a bracket for Gayest NHL Player#and the real life actions of staal actively make the sport unsafe for queer athletes and queer fans#stop mistaking jokes about hockey players fucking each other or writing rpf about that as any kind of activism#or any kind of actual reflection of the nhl#how do you think this is an appropriate thing to do for so many reasons lmao how are you including some of these guys on this#even before you get into some of the other insane behaviour going on in this bracket existing#‘I didn’t pick the contestants!’ you did you. you’re in charge.#‘just hope they get voted out’ don’t include them at all what’s wrong with you#why do bracket creators always act like it’s some kind of mandatory moral imperative they include every single thing nominated/voted in#you have agency here lmao. use it. fucking spineless.#rpf for ts#adjacent enough anyway#homophobia cw#why would you do this#lmfao the brief scroll of that blog i took the amount of ‘propaganda’ that’s just ‘this guy has friends’#wild. genuinely wild.#one request id like to make to the liveblogs this year too on a vaguely tangentially related note is#reign in your blatant and unrepentant amatonormativity please#from your local aro
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Will kisses all of Mike's scars
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heir-less · 1 year
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I think what a lot of people don't understand is that the cultural and societal aspects of religion can still exist in a society that is 100% secular. Most atheists aren't anti-theists, in fact, most of them still take part in many religious customs and celebrations in a secular form. Anti-theism doesn't even mean the eradication of religion, it's typically used to describe the intellectual opposition to belief in a deity,
So, I'm honestly perplexed whenever I see people arguing that the "end goal" of atheism is to eradicate religion, this is something both religious people and ill-informed atheists believe, for some reason. I guess this is what happens when Christopher Hitchens and Sam Harris are your go-to atheists and you're measuring atheism against the most extreme religious zealots because that's what most people are reactive towards.
What should be completely removed are almost all forms of institutionalized religion and religious power structures. These are the exactual oppressive structures that have used religion as a tool to justify every form of bigotry and crime against humanity. They are also not essential to the practice of the religion or the survival of the religious culture. Your right to practice your religion ends if you're using said religion to advocate for the oppression of Muslims (assuming you're not practicing Islam), atheists, LGBT+ people, and other minorities. You can be a church-going Catholic without advocating for state-sanctioned religion or the rights of others being removed. This evangelical breed of religious extremism has no place in society and is what actually leads to real genocides happening today.
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sonego · 3 months
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actually no it's not your place as a man to comment on what's women tearing other women down or this whole thing in general
hi thanks for stopping by. i'm nonbinary, i'm not a man. i don't know where you got that from since i believe a look at my blog (or even just my about if you don't follow me) will tell you that i'm nonbinary. i don't even know if this ask is in good faith or not, it doesn't feel like it is to me but feel free to correct me if i'm wrong, and maybe we can have a better discussion that doesn't involve answering an anonymous ask
that said i will respond bc it's not like i haven't thought about this myself so i guess that's an opportunity to talk about it.
is it my place to say what's women tearing other women down? i'm not a woman, so maybe not. i've posed this same question in that tag that i'm assuming made you send this ask? so yeah, fair, i can avoid commenting on that kind of thing next time. i've lived as a woman most of my life, i'm still considered and treated as a woman by some people, so i do want to say it's not like i'm completely removed from the concept of relationships between women. but like that is a whole can of worms and we're not getting into the socialization of trans people here so i'll just keep questioning myself on when it is appropriate for me to comment on issues pertaining women
which brings me to the other thing you say i shouldn't speak of, "this whole thing in general" which i assume is zverev's case/the issue of abusive men in sports and how players and fans talk about it? again idk correct me if i'm wrong. but uh. sorry but that feels insulting to me. i know it's a problem, a societal problem first and foremost, that disproportionately affects women. domestic violence and gender based violence are strongly linked. i don't think i've ever said anything that suggested i don't believe this. but that doesn't mean 1) only women should talk about it?? women need allies in this battle. 2) only women are victims of domestic violence. and again, i think it's insulting to suggest i, a survivor of domestic violence, shouldn't talk about this? you might not know. fair. i've mentioned it on here lately but you might not follow me or have seen it. but it's not hard to think of the fact that domestic violence affects children of any gender, that trans people are also disproportionately victims of it and that literally anyone can be a victim
sorry but even if i'm not a woman and frankly even if i was a trans man, that doesn't mean i can't know what gender based violence is like, i've lived it on my own skin multiple times throughout my life and it affects me to this day and i'm not gonna sit here and not talk about it just bc i'm not what most people would think someone "qualified" to speak on it is
sorry if i sound aggressive. sorry if i assumed you should know things about me that you maybe didn't know. but honestly you came onto my blog, on anon, and kinda assumed things about me yourself when you had the information here on this very blog so?
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snekdood · 4 months
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if ppl telling you "jewish ppl in israel were already kicked out of other countries and have no where else to go" makes you feel compelled to call whoever said that a "zionist", I really just dont think you give af about jewish ppl's lives quite frankly.
if your "free palestine" means "getting rid" of all jewish civilians in israel I think you're probably just a heartless asshole.
#two state solution ftw#or at least something along those lines#yelling at average jewish ppl who ARENT in israel is antisemitic#anti semitism- no matter how 'big of a deal' you think it is naturally makes jewish ppl feel unsafe by default#where do they go when theres nowhere else thats safe? you guessed it- probably to israel.#which is WHAT netanyahu wants. he wants scared controllable civilians to think hes the only one who can protect them#so you being anti semitic and not checking yourself on it or being 'whatever its nbd' about it is making everything so much worse#STOP BEING SO FUCKING APATHETIC FUCK ILL BEAT YOU UP TO MAKE YOU FEEL SOMETHING IF I HAVE TO#i dont feel like i can in good conscious reblog your 'free palestine' posts bc idk wtf the op thinks about jewish ppl being in#israel. and at this point i dont have faith in leftists to not notice the antisemitism in some of these ppl and call it out#its not something we can 'push aside and deal with and apologize for later' its ACTIVELY MAKING THE SITUATION WORSE AND NEEDS#TO BE ADDRESSED RIGHT THE FUCK NOW#maybe jewish ppl wouldnt be calling it 'self defense' if yall didnt keep being antisemitic and making them feel like they have to cling#to israel to stay tf alive. fuck.#OBVIOUSLY the response to what hamas did is disproportionate and affecting more people than israel says it intends to target#but thats the govt. and actual regular people are worried about their families. its disproportionate and probably being used as an excuse#to genocide palestinians but this wouldnt be happening if hamas didnt basically GIVE the israeli govt the excuse to do it.#free palestine. from hamas and from the israeli govt. and dont have genocidal intent toward jewish ppl.#thats all i want.#hamas' escalation did nothing but hurt everyone and make things worse especially for palestinians.
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