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thisismeselfloathing · 2 years

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⚠️

TW DRAWINGS DEPICTING TH1nSP0, ED, SH, FOOD

TW

some artwork for today. these are all things i drew/wrote in my journal i bought for recovery, which is ironic. i am currently in php treatment and i still feel these things. it really helps to get them down on paper so i hope it might help some of you to know you’re not alone. things suck but i have hope that everything will end up being ok. join me in that hope <3

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thisismeselfloathing · 2 years

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There is light and there is dark

(a poem by me. TW se|f h*rm / su|c|de)

There is light and there is dark

In the light she smiles

In the light she laughs

In the light she dances

In the light she is happy

But then there is dark

The dark slowly overcomes her, while everyone good slowly slips away

In the dark the food crawls into her mouth without her lifting a finger

In the dark she finds herself reaching for the blade

Like she is sitting there while somebody does it for her

The blade drags across the skin begging to go deeper

When the blood reaches the air, the band aid covers the sin

The blade is cleaned and it is like nothing ever happened

The light of her phone screen screams in her face while she waits for the darkness to fade

Then there is light

And the cycle repeats

There is light and there is dark

Until there in no longer light

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thisismeselfloathing · 2 years

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ana

(a pretty long poem written by yours truly)

i am [redacted]

but i wish i were ana

sometimes ana is with me

and shows me what i could be

i look at ana longingly

wishing it were me

ana is the most beautiful girl anyone has ever seen

the way the sun shines through her legs

the way her collar bones lie on her chest like a necklace

her ribs rising to the surface like oil in water

her rings sliding on and off her slender fingers

her waist a mere 19”

when ana walks into a room,

all the eyes are on her.

everyone whispers,

“look at that girl”

they praise her for her control,

her willpower, and her strength

they do not realize they are congratulating a slow suicide.

but with every laxative

and every fast

i begin to morph into ana

130, 127, 117, 110, 101, 96

leaving behind the chance of being happy and healthy again

and walking towards the once familiar brain fog

the fatigue even sleep can not rid

the lies and deceit

getting closer and closer to being covered with a sheet

while the light at the end of the tunnel fades,

and i slip into eternal darkness,

i wonder if it was worth it.

ana reaches for my hand

ready to lead me to the grave

and suddenly i do not see the beauty i once did

there is no beauty in ana’s lifeless eyes

there is no beauty in the scars on her translucent skin

there is no beauty in her thinning hair,

her paper thin nails.

as i step onto the scale for the last time,

the bright blue light flashes

82

there is no going back

the future i once longed for flashes before my eyes

my children running around the front yard

me being there for my friends when their lives get hard

but when i come back to reality

the 82 screaming quite clearly,

i know i am done.

there will be no kids, there will be no more smiles

as i lay my head down on my hospital bed pillow,

i turn my head to the side and watch the number drop

34 bpm. then 26

21

17

10

i am gone

but isn’t this what i wanted all along?

to die an ana?

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thisismeselfloathing · 2 years

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I’m sorry and goodbye

I didn’t want to die

I just wanted a thigh gap

But surely I should have seen this coming

Everybody warned me

But it was never enough until it was too much

And now I can not go back

I wish I would have stopped

It was not worth it,

Just to see the pounds drop

I lost more than just weight

I lost my friends and family

I lost hope that life is more than numbers

I lost the energy to get up everyday

Why put did I put in all the work,

Just to lie in bed and waste away

If only I focused my energy on getting better

I could have been with my friends right now,

But instead I am in my room writing a letter.

To say sorry and goodbye

To explain why.

I just wanted a thigh gap

I didn’t want to die

a poem i wrote awhile ago. the sad thing is is i’m not dying and i don’t have a thigh gap 🙃 i write a lot of my poems from the pov of a “successful” anorexic. wish i could say they r from my pov.

#eating disoder mention #pro for tags #ana diary #anareksja #aew #anorekic #ana tingz #anoressic #thinsinpiration #4na #ed poetry #ed #ed poem #ed art #pro ana #only pr0 for myself

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thisismeselfloathing · 2 years

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i’m so fucking sad.

#eating disoder mention #pro for tags #4na #ana diary #anareksja #aew #anorekic #ana tingz #anoressic #thinsinpiration

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thisismeselfloathing · 2 years

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taking almost 2 hours to finish a small meal is the best feeling EVER

pro tip: eat the healthiest stuff first on your plate (like salad no dressing, celery, fruit, any whole food) to fill you up and THEN eat the bad stuff ((:

#eating disoder mention #pro for tags #4na #anareksja #tw ed mention #aew #anorekic #ana tingz #anoressic #thinsinpiration #pro ana #ed thoughts #ed

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thisismeselfloathing · 3 years

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i will always want to be smaller than this. i’m so exhausted

#eating disoder mention #pro for tags #4na #anareksja #tw ed mention #aew #anorekic #ana tingz #thinsinpiration #anoressic #ed thoughts #ed #pro ana

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thisismeselfloathing · 3 years

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i’m heading to php treatment on monday at erc! if you are in or were in php HELP

what should i bring?? what are things i should and shouldn’t do?? any other helpful tips

⚠️if ur in recovery don’t look at my page pls

#eating disoder mention #pro for tags #anareksja #tw ed mention #aew #anorekic #4na #ana tingz #thinsinpiration #anoressic #recovery #ed recovery #erc

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thisismeselfloathing · 3 years

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i’m heading to treatment sometime next week. wish me luck. i’m gonna miss all this. i already do. hopefully treatment can teach me what feels better than the high of starving. i doubt anything feels better than that. idk if i’ll ever recover. but it’s worth a shot i guess. i dont know any of you, but i love you all. i encourage you to seek help and recover, even if it’s scary. i know i don’t sound hopeful, but i think the grass really is greener on the other side. go eat some food and drink some water. stay safe <3

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thisismeselfloathing · 3 years

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YO WE’VE GOT AN ED DILEMMA

tw cal talk

ok a crumbl just opened up by me and i want to go SOOO bad but those cookies r the most high calorie things ever. i want to try the cookies but i know i will eat so many and feel bad after but i’ve been wanting crumbl for THE longest time and was so excited for it to open. ugh i hate this part of eds like let me enjoy a freaking cookie i’ve been waiting months for

#eating disoder mention #pro for tags #4na #anareksja #tw ed mention #aew #anorekic #ana tingz #thinsinpiration #anoressic #low cal restriction #low cal ed

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thisismeselfloathing · 3 years

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i feel so weak from fasting yesterday and restricting the day before. i hate it but i love it

#eating disoder mention #pro for tags #4na #anareksja #tw ed mention #aew #anorekic #ana tingz #thinsinpiration #anoressic #ed fast

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thisismeselfloathing · 3 years

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personally i just think it’s comical when people say skinny doesn’t equal happy! because i have been like lowkey depressed the past few days but this morning i woke up and weighed myself and saw the 124.2lbs (that’s good for me) and was SO happy. now i’ve been in a good mood all day and have been so productive at school. likeee the evidence is right here that i am happier

anything that is nourishing you is killing you 💞

^not actually true at ALL. but for me it is 😮

#eating disoder mention #pro for tags #4na #anareksja #tw ed mention #aew #anorekic #ana tingz #thinsinpiration #anoressic #ed stats #ed thoughts #ed #skinnnny

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thisismeselfloathing · 3 years

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is there any ana gc that’s currently active?? i rlly want to be in one

dm me if there’s one you can add me on snap or insta or anything !!!

#anagc #ana friend #ana coach #pro ana #eating disoder mention #pro for tags #4na #anareksja #tw ed mention #aew #anorekic #ana tingz #thinsinpiration #anoressic #ed gc #ed

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thisismeselfloathing · 3 years

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i just want to fast so bad but now my parents are watching me more than ever. i’m so stupid for not restricting as much as possible sooner. i can at least try to start counting cals. but it gets hard when my mom cooks dinner bc i dont know what she uses to cook. i dont know how to get around this anymore. help pls. i guess i should just start eating everything really slowly in small bites and workout a lot.

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thisismeselfloathing · 3 years

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i think eating and watching to the bone on the verge of tears really shows how my life is going rn

#eating disoder mention #pro for tags #4na #anareksja #tw ed mention #aew #anorekic #ana tingz #thinsinpiration #anoressic #ed thoughts #ed

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thisismeselfloathing · 3 years

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IMPORTANT

TW ED

today i have an assessment with ERC

1)has anyone gone there or heard anything abt them? there’s not much info online. at least it’s not the emily program tho 😭😭

2)i’m so scared i’m gonna get told i’m not bad enough. i haven’t been doing super well restricting wise and i stopped losing weight (even tho i only lost 5 lbs before that…) and yes i don’t wanna recover but also if i get told i’m not even sick enough to deserve help i might kms. also today i have this assessment, then therapy, then play practice, and then a dietitian appt. i srsly might die. i’ve never had this many appts in one day. it’s just cause everything happened to land on today but they are usually spread out in the week.

i’m just so scared. i wish i would have committed to restricting before this. i want to kms this is horrible. i’m such a fat fcking failure and i don’t deserve treatment anyways. i’m not even strong enough to restrict without over eating for one day. fucking bs. i’m gonna watch to the bone now. obviously that’ll make me feel better…

#eating disoder mention #pro for tags #anareksja #tw ed mention #aew #4na #anorekic #ana tingz #thinsinpiration #anoressic #erc #tw sui mention

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thisismeselfloathing · 3 years

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"My child is completely fine"

Your child knows what UGW stands for

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