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i have almost no memory of loving touch. when my parents tried to touch my body or hug me, i would always recoil. i didnt feel safe. there was one girl in high school who accepted me and would ask to hug me when she could tell i needed it. she was my friend, but i felt creepy. i was using her to feel better. i was attracted to her. i tried not to show it but i'm terrified it was obvious sometimes. and she was the girlfriend of one of my best friends. i felt disgusted with myself and suicidal knowing it could never go any further. one day in senior year i tried to kill myself and got hospitalized. my mom had taken my last will to stay alive that morning. but no one knows that so much of my suicide attempt was wrapped up in my feelings for that girl.

i don't know how to feel about it anymore. i should have stayed away. but she was a kind person who never once thought i should change something about myself. she loved me like no one else ever has, even as just friends. i can't help but believe she understood what i was feeling. and maybe she understood that despite my clear over-interest, i needed someone to love me badly. even if that love was only in action and not in feeling.

i subconsciously put space between me and her boyfriend, who had been my good friend since the start of high school. i felt guilty. i don't know if they ever talked about it. her and i would stay up late into the night chatting on discord. she and her boyfriend would pick me up on the way to activities over the summer, and the days it was just her and i alone were some of the happiest moments i can remember. during the last summer before college, her boyfriend was out of town and i found myself in the car alone with her for what i thought would be the final time. i knew it would happen and had agonized over what to do for weeks. when we pulled into her driveway, i told her i had something to tell her because this might be the last time we could talk alone. i'll wonder for the rest of my life what she was thinking at that moment. i told her i was sad she was going away for college. i told her i would really miss her. i told her she was my best friend.

that turned out to not the last time i was alone with her. we carpooled together one last time the following morning. we got out of the car and waited at the bus stop. in the cloudy morning light, she told me she there was something she wished she had done yesterday. she leaned in and hugged me tight, and i hugged her, and i was so happy and sad and everything all at once. the moment felt like a lifetime. i'll never forget it as long as i live.

i don't think i have borderline personality disorder. but there's definitely something like it that comes and goes. she was my favorite person in the universe. she still is, even if we've barely talked in 6 years. she is literally the closest thing to secure attachment i ever had. and i still miss her almost every day.

#bpd vent #bpd #favorite person #attachment issues #insecure attachment #that i miss you #i miss you #her #Spotify

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what's left of me? i can't find anything left. i'm this close to shattering. either i'll be gone or i'll be someone else, but it won't be who i was. this shell i've been can't stay in this world much longer.

please someone just tell me i will be alright one day. i see no future for myself for now

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I have my father's rage inside of me. And it's getting bigger and bigger, I can't stop it this time. It's killing me, I don't wanna turn into him, I hate this man sooo much, he has ruined my life.

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i once told one of my closest friends that i was frustrated my dad kept bringing cases of water bottles to my shared apartment after i had told him he wasn't welcome to show up like that.

he told me i was lucky and that if his dad brought him stuff just to be helpful he would be thankful.

i didn't say anything. that was back in college. i tried for years to see his side. but it slowly burned a cold hole in me. we've grown apart since and i can't help but wonder if it's because i couldn't feel safe around him after that. i doubt he even remembers.

my dad doesn't know who i am. i now understand that he had children imagining a certain kind of son, and i was never that to him. he doesn't accept me as i am and his scant love has always come filtered through a thick web of conditions. i didn't want that person near me once i left home for college. i don't need help from people who can only accept the refracted projection of me they've constructed. i don't need love from him, who hurt me every day to rear me like cattle into his expectations.

#trauma #lost friends #growing apart #narcissist parents #tired #vile disgusting wretched father if i could skin him alive and tear him to pieces it wouldn't be a fraction of what he deserves

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years lost. decades to come.

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i thought i was gonna be dead before i turn 18 and now im 24 and have no idea what im doing with my life

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who else mourning the person they could've been if they were treated kindly as a child

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please accept people whole. no conditions. no "you just have to do this". nothing is worth the damage in our short time. just accept. a fragmented person cannot change.

#trauma #cptsd #childhood trauma #child abuse #edited #saturated #sublimation #edited photos #new york city #nyc #cemetery #acceptance #fragments of my mind #dehumanization #derealization #depersonalization #traumacore #ventcore #weirdcore

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no one will know what i was like.

#forgotten #decay #urban photography #photography #trauma #unknown #faceless #childhood trauma #lightheaded #traumacore

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im drowning. they see but i cant let them in. my body is tired. my soul is tired.

#photography #urban photography #blurry #blurred vision #obscure #dark #alone #trauma #childhood trauma #complex ptsd #gone too soon #tired #im so tired #traumacore

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i lost what happened to me. the product is my disconnected shell.

#trauma #photography #dark #urban photography #city #new york city #nyc #do not enter #one way #graffiti #street lights #derealization #depersonalisation and derealisation #depersonalization #traumacore

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i miss the future.

#photography #trauma #nyc #cemetery #rotting #street signs #road sign #one way #end #traumacore