whiningaboutbeingtrans

[whiningaboutbeingtrans]

Sometimes I think about transitioning and I hesitate

Not because I want to be stuck in this female shell, but because I’m used to the horrors of wearing it. I’m used to it, and I know (approximately, it finds new ways to confuse me sometimes) what to expect from it

I don’t know what will happen if I start transitioning. Don’t know how it will feel, how my body will react, how my body will change. And that scares me

When I talk to people I have to act confident about this. Because I don’t want to hear “Have considered that maybe you’re just faking for attention” because I have. I battle with that every now and then. So I stand tall and my voice doesn’t waver and I look people straight in the eyes and talk about changing my name and transitioning and things I’ll need to learn. And the back of my mind is yelling at me. Because yeah maybe being stuck in a female shell feels wrong but it’s what we are. It’s what we were born as. And I tremble inside. I hesitate. But I keep my back straight and don’t let it show.

Because if I hesitate I’m not trans enough

#rambling #ftm #transitioning #not trans enough

[whiningaboutbeingtrans]

some things I wish someone had told me about dysphoria and being trans:

1. sometimes it just feels like apathy. you look at your body and you’re like ‘meh’, or if you look at yourself in the mirror it looks like someone else

2. you can be ok with some parts of your AGAB and still have dysphoria. some ppl hate their genitals but are ok with their chest, some are the other way around, some people hate everything but how tall they are, etc.

3. wanting to be another gender is a symptom of being another gender.

4. if you find yourself overanalyzing and questioning whether or not you “look like (assigned gender)” or “how do people of (assigned gender) act?”, maybe the shoe doesn’t fit.

5. chase the happy feelings. if you feel happy and good about yourself when you bind or tuck, when you change your name, how you choose to dress yourself… those are all little clues. all the happy feelings are meant to lead you to your best self. experiment, play, and try new things. even if you’re not sure it’s right, at least you’ll know because you tried.

#reblog #gender #transgender #oof #these all hit too close to home #I wish someone had told me these things like 15 years ago #and not just #'being transgender is feeling like you're born in the wrong body' #I've whined about that before #but it has seriously fucked with me #because this is MY body #It's not someone elses #it was just built with the wrong gender #instead I just... #assumed everyone constantly walked around wanting to die due to their agab #which probably was part in why I thought I didn't need help with that

[whiningaboutbeingtrans]

Sometimes my brain goes “Man, I’m glad I’m not a woman, I would never survive having a period” and then half a second later reality comes crashing down

#period #ftm

[whiningaboutbeingtrans]

Is it weird if I take my father’s name in second name?

#names #I considered my grandfather's as well #but I like father's better

[whiningaboutbeingtrans]

Me: casually writing

My brain: your handwriting is too feminine

Me: existential dread and genderfeels

#rambling #handwriting #i woulf have used a pic #but I couldn't find the one I wanted

[whiningaboutbeingtrans]

to my trans brothers who are feeling down today

#reblog #beard #beautiful #I love it

[whiningaboutbeingtrans]

Wolverine, Cyclops and Iceman from X-men (mostly in daydreams, I didn’t have any friends to play X-men with. And YES I like Cyclops, fite me). Nightcrawler when I got a little older.

Matt, Davis, Ken from Digimon (when playing pretend with my friend I was almost always one of these. She lowkey forced me to be Kari once for the drama and it was The Worst Ever and luckily didn’t happen again)

Robin Hood (also in daydreams because what is friends even)

Robin from Batman because he was great.

I tried being obsessed with and pretending to be Luke Skywalker and Harry Potter but those never stuck (I think they were too non-problematic or something????)

I actually was Matt when another friend and I played riding school as well (they were not obsessed with digimon though so they didn’t know who he was. Good times)

As an adult it still is Matt because digimon was such a huge part of my identity I am unable to let go of it, but most of the time I’m TonyStark/Iron Man or Emil Västerström from Stand Still Stay Silent in my daydreams instead.

Don’t really have any stories to tell about it???

If you’re transmasculine, comment/reblog with the characters that you were super obsessed with and pretended to be as a kid (and maybe some stories abt that?)

For me it was/still is: Iron Man, Luke Skywalker, Indiana Jones, Ethan Hunt, and Robin Hood

#reblog #so many characters #most are in daydreams #or whatever it should be called #It helps me fall asleep #and not feel too terrible about reality #I'm really good at escaping reality #I was always a boy when playing with friends #but like #none of us ever specified the gender of our characters #so it was never stated out loud that I was a boy #I just was on in my mind #well I was the Dad several times when playing mom dad kid with some friends #my number of friends have shifted through the years #I had a couple of years when I was like 8 when I was SO obsessed with Robin Hood #I want to blame the disney-movie but I can't #I don't know where it came from

[whiningaboutbeingtrans]

Getting my period didn’t use to be so bad. Of course it’s frustrating and uncomfortable and sometimes painful, but it never meant anything in regards to my gender. I wasn’t a woman, I was just someone who happens to get a period because I was cursed with a uterus.

It wasn’t dysphoric, not enough so that I noticed it.

And the pads i used, the packaging for them were BLUE and the only decoration was DOTS

but then...

then they changed the packaging and now they’re just covered all over with the sign for female and

and every time I have to change and I see that I just... I don’t break down but I bloody want to. Every time I see it I want to die a little.

Because that sign says I am no longer a person who is cursed with a uterus and have a period because of that

That sign says that I’m a woman. If I use that product I’m a WOMAN who is just WAITING to get PREGNANT

so anyway I finally used the last pad I had of that brand so I guess I’ll... switch to the brand with pink flowery decorations instead. And hope that’ll help.

#rambling #period #ftm #why can't they just have dinosaurs or something as decoration

[whiningaboutbeingtrans]

Sometimes I’m slam dunked into awareness of my body and that’s when my dysphoria mostly sets in. And it’s super weird because it’s not like I’m unaware of my body normally. I know exactly where it is, how it looks and how it behaves.

It’s like... I’m aware of it, but I somehow don’t have a connection to it. I can’t explain it. and then I catch my reflection and am slam dunked into that connection and my body is wrong.

My arms brush against my boobs and i’m slam dunked into that connection and my body is wrong.

someone calls me a girl and I’m slam dunked into that awareness and my body is wrong.

It always catches me unprepared and I don’t know what to do about it.

#transgender #ftm #dysphoria #I'm really glad I can shower without getting slam dunked #but tbf I daydream a lot in the shower #I wish I had a word for this weird disconnection #but like #I don't even know how to explain it???

[whiningaboutbeingtrans]

I’m not trans enough

because as a kid i wanted to become a vampire and not a werewolf

#not trans enough #it wasn't just any wampire tho #it was a ninja vampire #...my vampire-phase alligned with my Naruto-phase #I'm not sure why I prefered vampires #I think because most of them were presented as striving for knowledge #and I could identify with wanting to live forever so I could read all the books #also the whole losing control due to shapeshifting #which most werewolves had in the stories I read #was definately not my idea of a good time #I think I've always been afraid to lose control of myself #and yeah vampires suffer from that too #but sweden have a great cure #it's spelled Blodpudding #so like as long as I have my blodpudding I won't need to feed on innocent people #and I'll still get my blood and won't be hungry #so no need to go on blood-drinking sprees #if I had read more stories featuring Mystique maybe I'd have wanted shapshifting powers instead #but most x-men stories just featured Wolverine #I'm not sure if I was crushing on him or if I wanted to be him

[whiningaboutbeingtrans]

I’m not trans enough

because I think blue cars look nicer than black cars

#not trans enough #??? #I honestly don't understand this one #but like #I was a very annoying girl for wanting the car in a game to be blue? #well I was an annoying girl when my kindaboss accepted having the car blue #my workmate just let out a sigh and went girls with an annoyed tone #and i just #what #the car wasn't even visible in the game #so I should have just kept my mouth shut

[whiningaboutbeingtrans]

So we played that game I talked about at work today (yesterday, it’s tomorrow in Sweden) and I didn’t get a question about secrets but I did get “Tell us about something new you’d like to do”

And I could have answered “learn signlanguage” or “play saxophone” or something, but I’m a Dramatic Bitch so I just went

“Transition to man”

One of my workmates reaction to that was hissing out “faggot” and honestly I know that’s a slur but it felt... nice? Can’t explain it. I wanted to answer “yes but no, I’m asexual” but the kindaboss went “there’s nothing wrong with being homosexual” before I could say anything.

So anyway I guess I came out at work. Not sure if anything’s gonna change but there we have it.

#coming out #ftm #honestly I kind of want to Die now #because I'm worried something will happen next workday #do I need to tag for the word faggot? #I've seen others get hate for not tagging queer and faggot feels worse #I'm not good at tagging rules

[whiningaboutbeingtrans]

My friend going “I can’t see you as man yet because you still look like a woman” (paraphrasing) would probably have been less disappointed if she hadn’t talked so much about how easy it would be for her to see her hypothetical son as her daughter if he ever came out to he as trans. (I specify son instead of kid because she never said the same about her hypothetical daughter)

I guess this is easy in theory but harder in practice? I’ve never had trouble with it but I’ve always... I dunno how to explain it... had trouble understanding the importance of this?

Maybe the reason I’m having such trouble with my gender is because I know the importance of gender to everyone else and I don’t share that? Anyway I’ve decided to just make a decision about this already so I can stop worrying about it so I’m definately a man now.

Still need to cut my hair though. That was apparently Very Important according to my friend because if you are a transman you have to have your hair cut short.

(I’m slightly disappointed in how she in theory is always “abandon gender roles!” but once she’s faced with the reality it’s a lot harder for her)

(I mean I do want to cut my hair but still)

I love her, but sometimes it’s hard ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

#rambling #ftm #maybe the reason I have been unable to see the importance #is because I've never been my gender #and now when I'm finally figuring it out #I might start understanding it #it feels important for me to figure this out #but it only feels important because #the help I get will depend on what I figure out #how others treat me will depend on what I figure out #and the help I get #gender in itself isn't that important #but it gets important because everything around it is #I dunno #I'm rambling

[whiningaboutbeingtrans]

I’m trans enough

Because sometimes men go out of the way for me when we meet on the sidewalk

And I don’t even have to do the murderstrut for that to happen

#not trans enough

[whiningaboutbeingtrans]

Anyway at work tomorrow we’re gonna play something called “Känslokort” (feelings cards), which are cards with very personal questions that you have to answer and I really hope I get something like “what’s your biggest secret” so I can just slam them all down with “Oh I’m a transdude and I have no idea how to come out to my workmates or my family. Oh shit I just did one of those didn’t I?”

#transgender #coming out #Actually I think the question is just #like #'tell us something you've kept secret' #so you could answer #'one time I got blueberry on my teddy so I hid it in my dad's drawer so mom wouldn't see it' #but ye

[whiningaboutbeingtrans]

I don’t know my gender

I’ve said it before but it’s on my mind again now.

I don’t know my gender. I only know I’m not female. I feel masc-alligned, but it’s still hard to see me as a man. I’m not sure if I’m non-binary. I could be. One can be masculine alligned nonbinary right?

But at the same time that also doesn’t feel... right? But what if it doesn’t feel right because I just don’t have enough knowledge? It’s also... I lack the Swedish vocabulary for that. most swedish resourses have just been about transwomen and transmen.

I’m afab but I’m not a female. Not a woman. I’m a person. My actual gender? So confused. And I can’t... I don’t have anyone IRL to talk with this about and I don’t know how to talk about it??? My therapists only know the binary and my friend I’ve come out to only know the binary

I’ll figure it out, somehow. It’s just hard because everyone keeps calling me female words, I keep calling myself female words. I’ve done it for 30 years to fit in, I’m used to it.

My friend told me today that “Since you still *gesture at me* I can’t see you as man” and I’m just... glad I’m her token trans-friend because if she had said that to anyone else they would probably have been hurt. I just laughed and went “yeah it’s hard for me too and especially since I have been attempting to be female most of my life” (for certain values of female)

(I mean it still hurt but)

Anyway I don’t know my gender. I only know it’s masculine alligned. Am I a man? I’m not sure. And I will never be a man the same way someone born a man (different upbringings, and it’s really hard to reprogram me because my programming is a mess). So does it even matter? Like I still want top-surgery and the T and the beard but

(maybe I’ll regret the beard later but hnnn I’ve always wanted to grow a beard)

Yeah I dunno. I do get happy being called male-words so...

#rambling #transgender #ftm #almost tagged it mtf #I'm a little confused #I will keep repeating the same things over and over again #this blog isn't called whining just for the aestetics #and it kinda feels like #everytime I repeat the same issue #I reach a tiny bit further into it #and eventually I might find the way back out #less confused but with new questions

[whiningaboutbeingtrans]

Not sure if I have whined about this here but the number one suggestion people give for trying out a new name is

- Go to Starbucks and use it when placing your order

Which admittedly, good suggestion, if it weren’t for

1) We don’t have Starbucks. I think I might have seen one but I could just be confusing it with something else

2) We do have espresso house which is kinda the same thing but

2b) they call out your actual order instead of your name so it wouldn’t work anyway.

I honestly don’t know any place that calls out your name when your order is done here. You either get a number or they call your order. Good suggestion but doesn’t work very well around here.

So yeah, I have no idea how to go about trying out my new name

#rambling #names