#I do think it's funny when people try to tell me I have ocd online. You don't know the half of it. I had a panic attack over a stained shirt | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

wordsinhaled · 2 years

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You're so incredibly sweet with your answer re: caps.

Honestly I'll tell you what the feeling I get as a reader as I scroll through texts (And I suppose it is, to some degree a feedback for you, as god knows it's really hard to get people reblog text / fic posts on tumblr) when I see someone posting without capitals, my first thought is "It's a shitpost" and while it certainly works for very short funny texts, it's not precisely the atmosphere I would look for in a fiction I'd dedicate time into reading.

I think to myself "It wasn't important enough for them to go over after the fact and edit the capital letters, so it's probably not so good to begin with, as they didn't show care in it." and so I usually would automatically scroll over, without looking. (Now, /this/ is a me thing, but I assume I'm not alone).

As of readability, it does make it harder to read, at least to me. There's no visible "break points" that you can easily see by the height and size difference, and so everything just goes ahead and ahead and ahead, and in long texts, it can become somewhat daunting.

And the most me-issues is, that I would often focus more on wanting to edit the letters than on actually reading hahah, but frankly, this is a personal reading experience.

I just find it (and I honest to god say it out of a good place) a shame, that you might lose readers or reblogs for such a minor reason.

I skipped your post about 3 times, until someone I like reblogged it and I said "Okay if they reblogged it, I have to actually take the minute to try it" And it was good! It was fun! It was well written! So it's like, the opposite from what the lack of this "I care to edit" passes through.

I worry about giving such feedback, as it really is none of my business, and if it's how you enjoy writing, then frankly? You do it any way /you/ want. I just feel like being a writer on tumblr is hard enough, and it's not often someone would actually tell you what turns them off your work without it being "personal" and "nasty".

So again, I hope I did not dim your spirits, and I enjoyed your writings, despite my OCD jumping up and down hahaha

Have a lovely day dear!

This is definitely valid feedback and I'm glad to be having this conversation!

I feel like... I come at lowercase letters from the perspective of the sphere of say, poetry, where I don't think case affects meaning/validity/the gravity with which a work is perceived, as much. For example, I'm a big fan of ee cummings and I guess some MIGHT argue his work is less valid or less literary because of how he uses caps or lack thereof, but... I think it's harder to argue ee cummings is careless or that his work lacks substance, meaning, or emotional value due to stylistic/punctuation choices. He uses these choices very deliberately to evoke and add additional meaning. Granted I don't know that the lowercase adds meaning to my work but it is stylistic to some degree! I just think there is room, in so-called "Legitimate" writing, for intentionally deviating from the norms of things like capitalization and punctuation and things like that, which shouldn't necessarily delegitimize a piece of writing. Anne Carson just for example (because I just spent like a week reading her work for the mythology fic, haha) - an absolutely formidable scholar/classicist/translator, who does away with caps and punctuation all the time, and creates absolutely meaningful work that takes the classics (arguably super highbrow and bedrocks of the literary canon etc. etc.) into the modern era in really haunting and transformative ways that are still really relevant to our time.

I do think The Internet is definitely a different beast, though, and the norm of how text and writing are perceived online is different and online writing has evolved over time because of that into almost its own version of language, especially with meme culture, so that lowercase now = shitposting, which is a valid take for that context.

I will say on the topic of lowercase = lack of care, though, that—personally, even if I don't take the time at the end to go in and capitalize my letters, for me not doing so doesn't speak to lack of care about my writing at all. I care a lot (a lot!!!!! a really ridiculous amount, lmao) about words and when I write I try to communicate my care through diction and (hopefully!) atmosphere. I totally understand how that subconscious idea of lowercase = lack of care might make some people choose to discount my posts or my fics or scroll by them, which is their absolute choice and which I respect! I do sincerely hope that if people choose to read what I write, the love I put in comes across.

In terms of readability - I totally understand how not having the visual difference of caps vs. no caps makes things harder to read. As someone with a pretty horrendous glasses prescription sometimes when I'm looking at my screen, things like contrast and certain colors etc. make things harder to read, so I get that. I try not to make my paragraphs too long, to avoid walls of text, because that makes perfect sense as well. I think on the printed page, it's a little different, because you have the option of things like serifs, and line weight, and things like that to make things a little easier to make out.

Anyway, all this to say - my spirits aren't dimmed, especially because I think you explained this thoughtfully! I appreciate the feedback on what appeals/doesn't appeal to others about my writing! I'm really honored you chose to read my posts after all despite being turned off by the lowercase and I'm really glad that you enjoyed them. <3

Hope you have a great day!

#folks i sound like a luddite lmaooo i promise i'm not!!!#i just have a LOT OF THOUGHTS about what makes writing legitimate

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silvaurum · 8 months

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started blocking online shopping sites on my browser because i compulsively scroll the whole site to curate a cart. even though i know i don't really want to spend that much. is there a way to non-manually block shopping sites tho bc. this sounds like a funny problem to have but i spend literally hours doing this. like i really have to nip it in the bud and not start. it's like major chunks of the day gone when i say hours, not just 'a couple, in chunks'. and the entire time i'm like 'ok i should stop. ok i don't need to look in that category. ok i don't need to get to the end of this page. ok realistically i'm not gonna squeeze that into my budget.' while i continue to do all the things i'm telling myself not to. it feels Wrong to not Complete the task Perfectly, even if the task is somehow 'look at all the types of rope on the hardware site' and 'make a dream wishlist cart on a sexy toy shop' and like. i hate to even talk about this because it feels like a deeply stupid problem to compulsively online window shop. but it is, despite being a weird fucking problem, definitely a problem i am having, and probably some sort of executive function-obsessive compulsive related one.

but then it's not just shopping i guess because i was also doing that with my colleges degree planner, looking through every single class to perfectly maximize efficiency in my degree, then in the school i want to transfer to for my BA, and re-doing and re-doing and looking it over and re-doing, and making multiple plans to maximize different values or explore different pathways. and again, i was like. 'ok this is not... productive at this point, this is not helping, i'm just trying to cram way too much information into planning something like 5 years in the future.' and then i was still doing it. until i deleted the bookmark, so that if i want to go use that tool i have enough time while manually looking for it to go, 'ah, wait, no, this is unhelpful.'

and part of me still wants to. even though i know it is literally a time sink at this point. i still have that obsessive urge to Plan and Fix and. 'if i just have all the information in the world i can pre-plan most everything and i can avoid awkwardness and pain and rejection and i can Have what i need and i can Know i am safe.' <- that's the trauma talking

i guess i need to go deeper and like. reflect on what is realistically helpful for meeting those needs to feel safe & capable. to self soothe. to remind myself that i. even if i fear i am not abundant enough or secure enough, fixating on those things and over-thinking and constantly planning takes me away from the grounding reality that would buffer my perception of safety and present contentments. the fear and anxiety of 'not enough, never enough' is. a drain that can never be plugged, a spiral, a black hole. people dump billions of dollars and millions of lives into that hole, and it only makes it stronger. because when it 'works', just like any ocd ritual, we feel that it worked because we did the ritual. when it doesn't, we reinvest in more ritual. which keeps us from seeing... that the ritual was not necessary. whether we have 'enough' is pretty un-related to how intricate and strict our rituals are. it's just very hard to break the ritual to see that because the reward pathway of temporary safety is so strong and self-reinforcing.

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ratcatcher0325 · 2 years

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Spring asks game: 'You' for Eveline and Natalie, and 'Touch' for Ev, please? :3

You - what’s one thing you like about yourself? One thing you dislike about yourself?

Hello @themarlo!! It’s Ev!!! Thanks for your ask! I’m so used to Penn getting all the internet attention, it’s nice to interact online every now and again!! Also, sorry if it takes me a while to type this out, the tiny musician in question has been making shit tons of noise all night banging out a new song and I can’t think straight… he finally conked out though, and he’s asleep spooning his guitar. I took a pic to make fun of him later.

Okay so one thing I like about myself? That I’m a compassionate person who wears her heart on her sleeve.

On the other side of the coin, one thing I don’t like about myself is that I can be too giving to people who really don’t deserve it… I think we all know who I’m talking about. 🙃

———————————

Hey hey! Whaddup, @themarlo?? It’s Nat! I’m procrastinating on studying and Alexander is mad because he wants me to look up a case cited in one of my textbooks but I’m ignoring him and answering this instead….

Okay, cool! One thing I like about myself: I’m a big fuckin nerd! I love LOTR, Star Wars, I’ll even admit I had a cringey Vampire Diaries phase… right now I’m really into anything Marvel… looking forward to the new Doctor Strange movie!! Uh, but yeah!!

One thing I don’t like… uhhh… I’m lazy as fuck. As Alexander reminds me on a LITERAL daily basis. I don’t clean enough and my house is a mess but I keep telling myself I have a built in excuse since I’m in law school. Alexander hates that he can’t clean must of my shit up himself… I feel like if he had his own space he’d be like scary OCD serial killer level clean and honestly that’s like pretty on brand…

Touch - do you like hugs?

Hi again! It’s Eveline! It’s funny you should ask that… I used to be shy when I was little… but I honestly think my friendship with Trav changed that? Like his whole family is SO touchy-feely and after hanging out with the Birches for years, I just sort of gave up trying to fight it? Travis is locally famous for his bear hugs so they’re basically unavoidable. Fast forward to now, I love touch and hugs. I especially love them from Penn. He’s very physically affectionate too. But what’s nice is that with him it’s always sweet and comforting without being overwhelming… cuz, well his little arms can only stretch so far!

Feel free to ask more questions from the Spring Ask Game!

Make sure to read “A Fraction of Justice” and “Nobody’s Fool” HERE!

#thank you #great asks #giant/tiny #g/t #g/t community #g/t writing #g/t related #g/t au #size difference #g/t angst #g/t fluff #gt #g/t asks #a fraction of justice #oc:natalie #nobody’s fool #oc:eveline

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aborderlinehurricane · 4 years

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✨ Bpd Asks ✨

So I decided just to answer all of these because I know no one will actually inbox me a number lol

1. How did you find out about bpd?

I felt like I had it when I was like 15 and then when I turned 18 a doctor asked “has anyone ever diagnosed you with BPD?” And I said “no.” Then I was officially diagnosed.

2. How long have you been diagnosed?

Since I was 18. So almost 5 years.

3. What age do you think you started having bpd symptoms?

Honestly I think like 8 or 9. I had a lot of random emotional breakdowns when I was younger whenever I had a small disagreement with someone because I thought they were leaving me.

4. Do you have other mental illnesses? Does bpd complicate these illnesses? If so, in what way?

Bipolar, CPTSD, and Bulimia. Being treated for possible OCD and ADHD. It makes the CPTSD worse because they are very similar in some ways.

5. What do you do to deal with anger?

Still learning

6. What do you do to deal with depression?

I use my online social media accounts to express myself, go on tik tok, or talk to someone online.

7. What do you do to deal with anxiety?

slow breathing or do something with my hands.

8. What do your mood swings look and feel like?

Literally I could be fine and calm one minute then 3 mins later I’m severely depressed and suicidal then later on irritable and angry for no reason.

9. If you experience dissociation, what is that like for you personally?

It feels like nothing is real. Like I’m not real and the world isn’t real. Like I’m a character in a movie and I get really spacey. I sometimes forget where I am.

10. Are you more of a quiet borderline, classic borderline, or somewhere in the middle? If you’re in the middle, what traits do you have of quiet and classic bpd?

In the middle. Kinda classic by which I have occasional outbursts. But mostly quiet because I turn inward most times and self harm or have suicide attempts. Probably like 40% classic and 60% quiet.

11. Do you believe in the 4 types of bpd? If so, are you more of a discouraged, impulsive, petulant, or self-destructive borderline?

I believe in the 4 types and I believe someone can be more than one type. I am the discouraged and self-destructive type of borderline.

12. Were you ever misdiagnosed? If so, which mental illness were you misdiagnosed with? How did that affect your treatment?

I used to be diagnosed with major depressive disorder and then it was changed to bipolar disorder. I was once diagnosed with EDNOS and then it was changed to Bulimia Nervosa.

13. Do you have an fp? If so, how do you cope with having such a strong, influential relationship?

My fp tends to be mental health professionals like therapists and psychiatrists. It can be quite detrimental to the therapeutic relationship.

14. How many times have you been hospitalized? If you have been hospitalized, what was it like and did it help you in any way?

Sounds unreal but it’s been 38 times from 2011-2020. And it used to help at first but now it’s just an inconvenience.

15. What is your advice to someone who is considering hospitalization or is about to be hospitalized?

It’s okay to go they are there to help you but most of the help you’ll receive is actually from outpatient therapy.

16. Have you ever been in residential treatment? If so, what was it like and did it help?

Yes, I went to Timberline Knolls. The same place Demi Lovato and Kesha went for treatment in Illinois. It was helpful at first but I grew to hate it. Every week someone is trying to escape and the girls are super gossipy and catty.

17. What is your advice to someone who is considering residential treatment or is about to start residential treatment?

Please research people’s experiences and reviews of the facility before applying/going.

18. What is your advice to someone who has just been diagnosed with bpd?

Get involved with either a DBT therapist or DBT group. It’ll help a lot. Read up from different books and websites. And for GOD’S SAKE do not read that awful book “I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me.”

19. Who do you look up to that influences your personality/way of thinking? What personality traits/ways of thinking have you taken on because of them?

I take traits from everyone I encounter and it’s always changing so this wouldn’t be a very short answer.

20. Who did you look up to when you were young (real or fictional)?

Katniss Everdeen because she’s just really strong and in the books I loved her cynical attitude. Lady Gaga and Demi Lovato were/are my role models for recovery. I’ve had a crush on Lady Gaga for several years as well lol.

21. How have you changed since you were first diagnosed? (Be proud of yourself, you’ve come a long way and I’m proud of you 💖)

Honestly I’ve just gotten worse but I’ve developed more insight.

22. What are some things related to your bpd that you still want to work on?

Dissociation, paranoia, innapropiate anger, self destructive tendencies, no sense of self, fear of abandonment.. okay I might as well say everything because I meet every criteria for bpd when you only need to meet 5...

23. Does bpd cause your opinions on things to change a lot?

Yeah other people’s opinions influence my opinions.

24. How are you feeling right now? What is currently influencing your mood?

Hopeless and tired. Mainly because I feel like my life is going nowhere.

25. Do you have any friends with bpd? If so, how is that friendship different than friendships with people who do not have bpd?

An online friend :) but I’ve several friends with bpd over the years. The friendship would never work out because we both have bpd and our personalities would just clash.

26. Favorite songs to listen to when you’re in a bad mood?

My Chemical Romance - The Light Behind Your Eyes

Clairo - Flaming Hot Cheetos

Jose Gonzalez - Crosses

Crown the Empire - Lead Me Out of the Dark

Imogen Heap - Hide and Seek

Chase Holfelder - Animal

27. What do you do to get yourself through a break down?

I yell, and try to take deep breaths and close my eyes.

28. What are your top 3 healthy coping skills?

Writing, art, and music

29. Do you channel your pain into any art forms such as drawing, singing, poetry, etc?

artwork, drawing, poetry, singing, crochet, ukulele, guitar, piano, and clarinet.

30. Are you more of the type to isolate and avoid others or need to be with people all the time because you’re afraid to be alone?

Isolation

31. Are you more of the type to overshare too much personal information or keep too much of yourself a secret out of fear of rejection?

I definitely overshare way too much.

32. Does bpd affect your appearance? For example, do you change your hair or clothing style frequently?

I’m always changing my style. I go from dressing emo, to goth, to punk, to tomboy, to now my current style: art hoe.

33. What keeps you alive?

Art and Music

34. How open are you about having bpd?

Pretty open with most people but I do get wary of being judged and stigmatized.

35. When starting a new relationship, when do you usually think it’s the right time to tell your partner you have bpd?

I have an issue with oversharing typically. But I usually wait depending on the person. Like I wait till we get to know each other then I tell them.

36. Do you listen to any songs that perfectly describe how you feel as a person who has bpd?

Lorde - Liability

Twenty One Pilots - I Need Something

P!NK - Don’t Let Me Get Me

37. Were you more of an innocent quiet child or a trouble maker growing up?

Innocent and quiet. But as a child I’ve had a lot of emotional outbursts under stress.

38. Are there any coping skills you want to try that you haven’t yet?

embroidery

39. Are you currently in recovery? If so, how is that going for you?

KInda. In therapy and I’m taking medications but I’m still struggling.

40. What keeps you motivated?

Answer not found

41. Does the bpd stigma affect you in any way? If so, how?

Yes because people see my behaviors and emotions as attention seeking & dramatic when it’s not.

42. Name 5 qualities you like about yourself.

Creative, smart, funny, that’s all I got...

43. Do you journal? If so, does it help you cope?

I use it occasionally to keep track of my chaotic days and behaviors.

44. Do you use any bpd/dbt related apps?

No.

45. List some of your favorite bpd blogs.

I don’t have any.

#aboutme #bpd #actually borderline #actually bpd #borderline personality disorder #actuallymentallyill #mentally ill #mental health

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the-marvel-imagines-blog · 5 years

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Depression and Anxiety

Hello, my beautiful followers!

This post is going to be something different than what I usually post. This isn’t a chapter of Madness or a random ficlet/imagine. I just want to open up about what’s going on in my life at this exact moment, something that has plagued this blog a lot since its birth.

***IF YOU ARE SENSITIVE TO TALKS OF SUICIDE, DEPRESSION, OR ANXIETY, PLEASE DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER***

***If you are struggling, there are always people who are willing to help. Reach out, find a hand, grab on, and hold tight. You are needed. You are worthy. You are enough. ***

***If you’re thinking about suicide, are worried about a friend or loved one, or would like emotional support, the Lifeline network is available 24/7 across the United States. The Lifeline is available for everyone. It’s free, and it’s confidential. You can call the Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or chat with them online here.***

I live with major depressive disorder and panic disorder that also morphs into bouts of OCD. Throughout my life, I’ve been treated by various therapists/psychiatrists/doctors, received medication (which never seemed to work), been to therapy, spent time in inpatient care, and spent time in the hospital in connection to my depression and anxiety, which have-in the past-led to attempted suicide and suicidal thoughts. My anxiety and depression feed off of each other at this point in my life. I look at them as a co-dependent couple.

When I’m depressed, my anxiety is sitting in the background with a little voice saying, “people can see you’re depressed! You should hide it! No one likes a debby downer. Be happier. If you don’t play your role as the funny one, people won’t want to be around you.” It progresses from there, and they begin to work in tandem with one another. If I don’t hear from a friend for a day (which is totally normal in my friendships), the anxiety tells me that they probably left me, while the depression tells me that it would be for the better because everyone leaves at some point, right? Those aren’t “normal” thoughts for me most of the time, but depression kicks my ass. I struggle with the anxiety building up the depression...until the depression starts to give way to the anxiety.

When the anxiety hits, it hits hard. I have panic attacks, and it leads to me secluding myself in my house for days on end. I’ve called out of work before because I can’t bear to leave for fear of having another panic attack. It’s embarrassing to have one of those in public, especially at your job. Quick story: my anxiety had started to diminish, and I was heading back into what I call “Eden” which is just the state of being “normal” (for lack of a better word).

Let me say this before I continue: I understand that “Eden” has a religious context, but I was raised Catholic and left the church at a young age (14ish) when I was told (at my church) that “the gays are going to hell.” I understand that not all Catholic churches preach hate, but mine did at the time. As a queer woman, that didn’t support my beliefs, so I left, but that’s an entirely different story. Eden was still, in my mind, a place of peace and tranquility, a place I dreamed of when I was younger. When I was scared as a child, I would try to picture what the Garden of Eden would look like, and it helped calm me. I just wanted to put great stress on the fact that my choice of words for my “normal state” is in no way pushing religion onto anyone. It’s just what I named it.

Anyway, I was on my way out of my anxiety, thinking that it was just about packed away. I hadn’t experienced a panic attack for two or three days at that point, so I was hoping there wouldn’t be anymore of them at all. When I got to work, I clocked in and within 45 minutes, the man who had been sexually harassing and threatening me (he’d often threaten to follow me home and do whatever he wanted with me) came into the store. This man was well known for being a drug addict and an alcoholic, but he made me feel wildly unsafe even when I was far away from work at my own home. He did his usual rambling and made eyes at my chest over and over again, asking for cigarettes and whatnot. In the meantime, I had called my supervisor up to the front to have him deal with the situation. By the time he got there, though, the man noticed and walked out. Still, he had made the same variety of threats he always did, and it sent me over the edge.

I ran to the bathroom, a complete mess. I was sobbing, shaking, and I nearly fainted because my panic attack was causing me to hyperventilate. I cried so hard I had to use the toilet to vomit (probably TMI, but I want to be super real with y’all). I’m a strong person. I’ve been through the wringer time and time again from my mom’s suicide when I was 14 (which I feel an immense guilt over) to the death of my very best friend. We all have our stuff, every single one of us, and these are mine. When my panic attack had subsided, my boss suggested I go home and take it easy for the rest of the day. It was the most embarrassing situation I’d ever experienced because this panic attack happened at my place of work, and my coworkers witnessed part of it. I could barely show my face after that, and my depression started to feed the anxiety. The depression said, “you’re too damaged. No one likes damaged goods. You might as well not be around. You’re a waste of air. This is just a sad existence. Why try? Give up.”

This is just an insight into my life. Recently, I woke up, and I knew it was going to be one of those days. I had a pretty severe panic attack the night before, but I woke up with high anxiety at around 2:30 am. I knew at that moment that it would lead into a depressive episode, and I can never tell how long the episodes will last. I started to have a complete meltdown. I wouldn’t normally wake up around that time, but I did. I drove out to the middle of town and sat in my car until it was light out. I watched passing cars, stared out the window, looked up at the stars, and thought about my own existence. For hours, I was the human embodiment of the Dial-Up internet sound or TV static.

I have a history with self mutilation, which I hate talking about even with my therapist. It brings up the “hot shame” feeling. It’s an activity I haven’t partook in for years (since I watched my grandfather cry when he found out about it) and had no real interest in it since then. For years, those thoughts haven’t really crossed my mind...until that morning. In a desperate attempt to pull myself out of that mindset, I started to partake in other destructive behaviors that I won’t get into detail about here because I NEVER want to endorse these activities. I wanted to feel something else-anything else-and distance myself from potentially hurting myself, so I did.

***I want to make it very clear that these are not activities that are life-threatening (hard drugs, self mutilation, breaking laws, etc.). I want that to be very, very, very clear.***

Because I haven’t taken part in these activities for a long time, it’s hard to remember how to pull myself out of this all-too-familiar rut. I’ve been isolating myself from my friends, hoping that by hunkering down and riding it out, I’ll be able to come out of this episode quickly.

I just wanted to give some clarity as to why I’ve been “absent” on this blog, why I haven’t been posting as often as I would like to be, and why I haven’t been as active as I should be. I hope you’re able to understand why this blog may seem “lifeless” at some points, but I have a lot of ideas as to how I can bring my creativity back to life and maybe breathe life back into this blog that I love so much. Writing is my main creative outlet, and being able to share my creations has given me so much joy.

I cannot explain how phenomenal y’all are for sticking around and staying with me for this long. To those of you who have reached out and have spent time talking to me, fangirling with me, encouraging me, hearing me, more times than one, you’ve pulled me away from a ledge, even if you didn’t know it. I am forever thankful for what you’ve given to me, and I could never thank you enough for that.

With all the love in my heart,

Me.

#depression #anxiety #mental health #suicide #mdd #ocd #mental illness #health #marvel #imagines #self harm #sad #angst #mcu #fanfiction

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undiagnosedautismfeels · 5 years

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Not A Feel / Questions

- It might just be me b/c I never feel like enough. Like ever. I'm just wildly mediocre. Like im not tall enough, I'm not pretty enough, I'm not funny enough, I'm not smart enough, etc. So since I've been doing research into autism it feels like it fits really well and I have a lot of symptoms but just like not enough? Or like I dont experience the symptoms enough or they dont affect me enough? Is this something other undiagnosed people experience?

Yes, self doubt is very common when you’re undiagnosed (and even some people who are diagnosed feel it). Remember that autism is a spectrum and everyone experiences it differently.

- All of anons on this account have become such a nice little community. Like I feel like I know everyone and I’m really comfortable around everyone yet we don’t even know who we are, we only know each other by two emojis. And I get so genuinely happy/excited when people post about good news and I get really angry/frustrated when people post about their struggles and ableism/internalized ableism. Idk I hope I’m not the only one that feels this way - 🥄🦈

Yeah it’s really cool being able to respond to so many people and help people. It’s a lot healthier than the last online ND community I was actively involved in tbh, and that makes it a lot more fulfilling to run this blog.

- My old therapist referred me for an ASD evaluation. My new therapist says I don’t need it and disregarded the referral, diagnosing me with things autistic girls get misdiagnosed with (severe anxiety, OCD, depression, PTSD, anger issues). Said I’m introverted with no confidence. What should I do?

Be firm with your new therapist and tell them that you were referred for a reason. If they still refuse, then it is fully within your rights to request a new therapist & I would recommend you do so. When it comes to therapy, shopping around for the right person is really important and should definitely be encouraged if you’re not connecting with your current one. There needs to be mutual respect for that kind of relationship to work, and it’s mostly on the therapist to earn that respect. If they’re not willing to try, they’re not worth keeping.

- iiaat to get irrationally upset when you can't find things? I have a tendency to get really upset and borderline cry-y if we're, for example looking for a shop. If I can't find it within like 10 minutes I throw a mini fit and be like 'ITS NOT HERE I CAN'T FIND IT WE NEED TO GO HOME'. Mum has witnessed it multiple times and has made note of it being abnormal behaviour but doesn't seem to do anything.

That sounds like it could be related to autism. We tend to have issues with controlling our emotions and emotional expression, and if things aren’t going according to plan it can make us upset and possibly lead to meltdowns.

- In some situations I can not open my mouth. I will think "Ask for water, I am thirsty, just ask, I wanna ask, why can't I ask for water? Why can't I say anything? I really wanna ask!" But my mouth is glued shut. I will try very hard but I really can't and I have that in various situations. Is this some case of going semi or nonverbal?

Yes that’s what nonverbal is.

- is it normal to like KNOW what you want to say but CAN'T say it

That’s being nonverbal.

#not a feel #mod dylan #self doubt #comorbid #spoon shark asks #ableism #invalidation #emotional dysregulation #routine #meltdown #nonverbal

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faveanimeships · 5 years

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Hi!! This for a match up for Haikyuu!! I’m a ENFJ who’s a short (also packin’ that thicc thighs & ass) gay boy. I’m a Virgo who’s a hard worker (most my classes are honors/AP) but also procrastinate. People tell me I have a very calm & trusting vibe so people always come to me when they need help or have a secret. I enjoy writing & traveling. I’m pretty dorky & nerdy as in I love learning random new things & am involved with my school’s mock government & model un programs. [PT 1]

People also say I’m very funny & I highly enjoy memes & am overall very witty. I suffer from ocd, depression, & anxiety but do what I can to be my best. I enjoy affection (especially cuddling). I’m a very supportive person & love being my friend’s hype man. Oh & I love Disney movies & Bruno Mars lmao. If you need more, just message me (I hope I covered everything lol). Thank you so much!! I’m so excited!! [PT 2-final part]

Ok firST OFF IM SO SORRY FOR DOING THIS SO LATE TUT ples forgive me TUT I hope you like it !!!

You are an extrovert, outgoing, you plan ahead, you look at the future possibilities and focus on the social side of things. You are also loyal, kind, hardworking and analytical, hence your involvement in the mock government and model UN programs!!! You seek connection with others, you ponder over “what if” scenarios, seek for the best alternative that will make the majority of the people happy- this is achieved through your ability to gather your experiences, insights and research to form like a plan, that will ultimately be the catalyst to action. People look up to you and admire you for your qualities, you are an amazing and empathetic leader who considers things thoroughly. HOWEVER!!! You are pretty self-critical, you work too hard and you push yourself too much, which is tiring and you wear yourself out.

I SHIP YOU WITH !!!

Terushima Yuuji

Terushima is childish, energetic, persistent and he loves to play around. He can come off as non-committal or someone who doesn’t take anything seriously. But in reality, he’s just a bit distracted all the time. He takes pride in his non-committal attitude but like he’d need someone who knows how to reel his ass in when he’s too playful or going out of hand. He may pout and whine alot, but he appreciates you when you reel his ass in. As mentioned, he appears as non- committal and plays around like its no one’s business, but when he falls in love, he falls in deep, and he’d love someone like you - his polar opposite to be with him. People say polar opposites don’t really work but I think it takes someone like Terushima to work a polar opposites relationship.

It is canon that Terushima is a smart boy, and he’s in one of the best classes in his school, he’d look like a dumb jock but he might be good at roasting people, but you’d serve it right back at him hot and toasty, and he’d just fall in love with you because of that hot comeback. ALSO we all know he’s a total slob so like he really looks up to you when you work hard, and he loves looking at you study or when you tell him about random facts or like ideas you would potentially propose to the mock government/ UN programs. Terushima is also a pretty spontaneous guy (considering his reputation), he’d absolutely love it if you invited him to one of your trips- he knows how to party so like, both of you would have lots of fun!!!

Terushima might be playful and loud, but he can be observant and quiet when he needs to. He would do his best to act as your rock when you need him, he’d hold your hand tightly or just be with you when you need him when you’re anxious, or feeling under the weather. I don’t know much about OCD, but he’d do some research beforehand so he’d know what to do/ or what not to do or say. Terushima is a very touchy- feely person and wouldn’t be afraid to show affection. I reckon PDA is something you would expect in a relationship with Terushima. NOT ONLY THAT, Terushima loves to rest so if he catches you being too hard on yourself/ working too hard and is in need of a break he would do ANYTHING to get your attention and lure you to bed so you can get your well deserved break. He would also just drag you somewhere spontaneously, maybe when you have a writer’s block?? He would bring you on small and fun dates, be it a small restaurant he found online, or a pretty garden during spring, he’d make sure you get to relax and also probably provide new ideas for you! He’d provide wacky and weird scenarios and you’d just go along and plot with him!!!

I think both of you would try to make time for each other and also disney movie marathon is a must!! He absolutely adores you when you sing along to the disney songs. He’d take candid photos of you snuggling up next to him and watching Disney movies. The relationship would be a very fun, sometimes loud and loving relationship!

Things Terushima likes:

When you sing along to Disney songs

Hot comebacks

When you sit on his lap

When you lean on him

When you come to his volleyball matches

When you feed him his favourite sausage bread

Lazy weekends

Walks!!

Breaks with him

Travelling with you

I also ship you with (more under the cut)

Akaashi Keiji

Keiji is calm, collected, indifferent and very analytical. He’s also very blunt, smart, humble and cheeky. He wouldn’t talk a lot and most likely be an introvert, but he will make YOU talk. He loves to plot with you, listen to you talk about weird facts, and will help you with your proposals when you are preparing for an upcoming UN model event or a school event. If you ever need advice, or like an unbiased opinion, Akaashi would be glad to help out. Like you, Akaashi is also a very hard worker but he knows his limits. He would also know your limit. He’d make sure you get plenty of rest and make sure that you’re constantly taking a break when you study. He’d also be there for you when you need it. He won’t be the affectionate boyfriend, he’d probably choose to sit next to you quietly, reading a book, but he’s open for hugs, kisses or hand holding but you’d need to initiate it. However, because Akaashi is very observant he’d detect your mood and think about what he should do so he can support and comfort you. He’d be polite and careful about boundaries and would be very careful not to do or say something that might make you feel uneasy.

As mentioned, Akaashi is cheeky, blunt and smart, and would provide you with both witty comments and comebacks, you’d find both of you engaged in a quiet, friendly and witty banter sometimes. He loves it though!!! He might provoke you a little sometimes, and even tease you with his poker face, but he’d make sure he’d still be respectful about it and wouldn’t say anything that might offend you. He’s very careful with these things. ALSO Akaashi is probably a huge bookworm and he’d absolutely love it if you let him read things you write. Be it a simple poem, or a random passage you’ve written because you were inspired, he would read it and provide insightful comments and thoughts. Akaashi would also give you book recommendations and would be very happy if both of you got to discuss about the book.

I feel like Akaashi would be the type of boyfriend who calls his lover at night before they sleep. He calls frequently during exam periods, so you’d take a break when you’re over the phone. Akaashi would also bring food over for you when he thinks you’re not eating enough. He’d take care of you and your parents would absolutely love him. He would plan dates with you every once in a while and even make plans for roadtrips because he loves you and wants you to share that passion you have with him. He’d be very thankful and happy if you turned up to watch him play during his volleyball matches. If you bought like a small treat for him and give him a hug after the match, he’d blush like crazy, the volleyball team will tease yall for being “young love” but it’s all good because everyone is happy!! It’s a very calming and respectful relationship.

Morisuke Yaku

Yaku is funny, responsible, short tempered, straightforward, honest and confident. He also has his maternal side and loves to look out for people. Yaku is super underrated, and definitely deserves more love. This is a king who is respected by everyone!!! We love King Yaku!!! Anyways!! Yaku would be attracted to how hard working you are, and obviously how hard you push yourself. This in return triggers his maternal side, urging him to care for you and make sure you’re taking frequent breaks and all. He’d also prepare small snacks for you when you go to a model program or when you’re busy running the school council. Knowing Yaku, he’s probably involved in the school council somehow, and he’d always look out for you and trying to help you with your responsibilities. He won’t be a big fan of spontaneous things, and would plan everything thoroughly, be it a date or a trip! Not only that, it is canon that Yaku is a sass king and would serve you all kinds of comebacks ranging from funny to witty to hot roast, and he will NEVER fail to surprise and impress you with his comebacks. He’d be okay about PDA, if you initiate it in public, he’d gladly reciprocate, he initiates affection mostly in private though.

ALSO Yaku may be a big fan of Disney movies too and would always be up to binge with you or even discuss about plots. He’d also be a big fan of your writing and would always encourage you to write more; sometimes he’d give you ideas, hoping to inspire you. He loves it when you smile and enjoy doing something you love, he enjoys watching you relax. He would also love it if you’d talk to him about your day or trivial things. I feel like Yaku would also look for random facts to share with you, and you’d share random facts with each other, it might be a daily routine to share random facts with each other!!!!

Sugawara Koushi

Cute dates- cafes, amusement parks

Cheeky grins

Lunchboxes

PDA

Suga’s amazing 6th sense and him giving you amazing advice

Binge reading manga together

Lazy weekends

Ramen nights

Movie marathons + takeout

Lots of cuddles !!!

I hope you like it !!! >///

#asks #ships #haikyuu #haikyuu ships #seijuroww #haikyuu matchup #haikyuu matchups

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ilverhoney · 5 years

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1 - 13

What would prevent you from following someone?

I usually like to see some actual roleplay replies ( unless the blog has been offline for a little while or hiatus ) and I like to see neat posts. Not edited but I don’t like posts that get reblogged endlessly without cutting then down in size. I also am not a fan of asks that then get reblogged instead of starting them in a new post. Small things like that would possibly prevent me from following. I don’t care if you have wonderful graphics or look all fancy cool with editing — as long as you write and enjoy it. I just get slight ocd with the dash being clogged so yeah, that is mostly all that would prevent me. I do also have a slight fear of rejection so if I’m admiring a blog too much I might be hesitant about following in case they don’t follow back and I feel all insecure about it. Not something that happens too much.

Are aesthetics important to you? If they are, why?

I’ll be honest (duh Ali, that’s the point of this meme!) but I have never really grasped the concept of aesthetics. I understand them but I never really post them or reblog the memes where I have think up some for a muse. That being said, I do love seeing people post them an occasionally I do reblog ones that are already set up for my muse. Are they important? Not really.

What current rp trend do you hate?

I don’t really know many trends in the rp community. I’m not down with the kids enough to know any …. hmm I guess I’m not a fan of icons getting so small you can’t see who is in them. Also when the psd is very pretty but again, doesn’t make it very clear what the icon is. I don’t know if that is even a trend.

How do you explain rp to someone in the real world?

I don’t. There are very few people in my real life who know that I do any writing online. I usually just say I write fan fiction. I did tell one new colleague about it and that led to her wanting to see my blog so she could read things … which she was very supportive of. She actually loved the threads I have. But yeah, my roleplaying life is mostly a secret thing that I find easier not to explain.

Do you prefer interacting with male muses or female more? Why?

I honestly don’t have a preference. I love writing with all muses, no matter the gender. As long as we have a connection to work on, I’m happy to explore it. Not only do I ship my muses (pretty much all the time) with both genders, I also don’t just concentrate on shippy things so writing with either gender is important. It helps build well rounded relationships that only strengthen your own character development.

Do you prefer writing male muses or female more? Why?

I pretty much only ever write female muses. I’d love to dabble with a male muse but I am very anxious of it. I was roleplaying many years ago and I did write a few males back then but got severely bullied over it. I was basically told that I could never really write a male when I’m a female, I was called sick and messed up … but this was a very long time ago, back in the days of myspace! Sometimes I want to grab a male muse just to see if it is any easier to find partners …. I know there can be a pull for many to write with males muses more than females. It’s sad but true and sometimes I think I should pick a male muse to test that out but … I never do it. Maybe I will one day.

What’s your opinion on call out posts?

I think they can be more harmful than good. I do understand when someone is literally being toxic or cruel, that there needs to be moments of warning but almost all call outs that I have seen are just petty issues that could be dealt with in private. I think we need to stop this trend — ahhh a trend? but yeah, I think call outs are not great and should really be put to rest. Just like I think witch hunts when a call out happens need to be stopped. At the end of the day, we are all pretty much here to write muses we love. Why does that need to lead to any call outs or bullying?

Name any three things about the rpc that bother you.

The elitists — now, I know a lot of people come across that way but they aren’t really elitist. I am talking about the few who KNOW they are the only person who should write a muse and project their own headcanons as being CANON even if that can lead others (who write the muse) to feel a little uneasy / anxious. I love headcanons and I love everyones take on a muse but nobody here has any more claim to a muse than anyone else. Anon hate culture — oh how I hate this! I’m old and I always tell myself that anons matter very little but sometimes it is too easy to let them get to you. We are all human at the end of the day so it isn’t always easy to switch off to them. I will never understand why people do it. Lastly, the fickle — idk if that’s the right way to word that. I basically don’t like the blogs that come along and are all over you for a quick minute before they move on the moment they have enough of a following. It makes me feel like a stepping stone and it has happened so much to me … which does make me question if it is me but then I don’t know what I have done to make it happen.

What is your opinion on exclusivity? Do you practice it? Why / why not?

I don’t have much of an opinion of this. I think in the right situation it is nice to have an exclusive partner you can write things with. I do know it doesn’t always work out when it is a big fandom but I understand why people do it. I have never really had the chance to try it so that is the only reason I don’t.

Have you ever had a bad experience with commissions? As either someone who makes them or as someone who buys them?

Yes, I paid someone up front for a commission as they were struggling with things financially and then they never actually completed my commissions. I didn’t do anything or call out …as I don’t like that, I just passed it off as being a mistake I’d learn from.

What do you know now about rp that you wish you knew when you first started?

That is better to find like minded writers rather than trying to get in with the more popular blogs (the ones that seem to have all the love and threads) I have made some wonderful friends here with some of the most exceptional writers ( this Leta being one of them), I just know that some blogs are here to be popular and they hoard partners ....and being a number is not great. Write how you want, with anyone you want to and enjoy being here. Popularity is not important.

Have you been involved in drama? Do you regret it?

I have had drama in the past, sure. When you have been roleplaying as long as I have, you are expected to run into drama. I do regret being a part of any drama but it was unavoidable. I do try to stay clear of it as much as I can now … though I will always check in with someone who is suffering. I hate to see someone going through something alone.

Have you ever thought about leaving rp? What caused it? What changed your mind?

That’s a funny one considering I started to delete my blogs just yesterday. It was some of that lovely anon hate … which I know is very silly to get upset over, especially to delete over. I was in a bad place for IRL reasons and the anons didn’t help matters. Talking to people who actually care was the only reason why my Queenie is still here today. I realized that letting an anon bully me away from a thing I love is just unhealthy — especially when you can switch the anon off and be very happy here. On that note, I’d like to thank all who talked to me yesterday. It was so heart warming to have people show me compassion and understanding.

HONEST MEME ¬ Accepting ¬ @letaunloved

#letaunloved #✘|| memes answered ¬ oh I do love to play games!#✘|| out of magic ¬ the mun behind the hun

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pepperoniwhirlwind · 6 years

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~Honesty Hour~

I was asked by @lovelynhiddenkittens to do all 150 questions in the Honesty Hour tag! 😮 Thank you, lovely and curious stranger~! 😆 But since that’s a lot for one post, I’ll break it up into chunks of 50 questions so it’s easier for all my blogging buddies to digest. 😊 Starting... now! 😝

1. Who was the last person you held hands with? That would have to be Alex. He was warming my hand for me because it was ice cold. Though he doesn’t know that’s because I intentionally held my super cold drink for a really long time with that hand, then casually mentioned how cold my hand was so he’d try to warm it... >//> Introverts are sneaky flirts, what can I say? 😆😏

2. Are you outgoing or shy? Shy, definitely. Though there are alters in the system much more outgoing than me.

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing? Tyler! 😄 I’ve been staying over at her apartment every weekend this past summer, and always enjoy our movie and gaming marathons. 😝

4. Are you easy to get along with? I think so. I’m not very easily angered, a pacifist at heart, and a people-pleaser at my core. 😂 So it’s pretty hard not to get along with me.

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?

I don’t know, Alex is a sweetheart so he’d probably help, and Tyler cares but she doesn’t do bodily fluids. 😆 So, it depends. And considering I’ve never been drunk, and seem to have too high a tolerance to get drunk without having to rob a bank to fund the sheer volume of alcohol needed, I doubt this problem will ever arise. 👌

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?

Kind and funny people. 😊

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?

I have no idea, but I won’t rule it out. Alex has kinda been cute and flirty towards me lately, so maaaybe~? >//>

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?

Uh, well, the subject of the last question was Alex, so, him. 😆

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

A wee bit, yes. 😅 I put up a good facade though, but being asexual, sex is kinda... bleeehhh~ for me. e~e

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

That would have to be Tyler. :3 She’s my bestie from my ASL classes~ 💜 We have a looot in common, so we talk for hours at a time, in between movie and game marathons that is. 😆

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?

Context: I was spamming Tyler gifs of adorable animals earlier today.

The Text: “Aaand now I gotta get ready for therapy, so this shall be the crowning gif of adorable goodness!”

Followed by a gif of two golden retrievers fighting over a tennis ball, with a third retriever (being shoved into the frame by a fourth, offscreen, retriever) resting his head on the two dogs feuding over the aforementioned tennis ball. 💖

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

This is rather hard... so I’ll just list the songs that I listen to on repeat a lot.

1. “The Cure” by Lady Gaga

2. “Insomnia” by IAMX

3. “Middle of the Bed” by Lucy Rose

4. “All the Rage” by Allie X

5. “Wires” by The Neighbourhood

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?

Yes. No. Kinda? It depends... If I’ve just had a shower and my hair is clean, I love it. ^w^ But if it’s been a bit and my hair isn’t all that clean I just feel embarrassed if people touch my hair. e~e

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?

Ehhh... Depends which alter you ask really. Me, personally? Not so much. My family has always told me our family line is cursed to have bad luck, so if I believed in such things, I guess I’m doomed. 😂

15. What good thing happened this summer?

I’ve started working on myself and my social life, strengthening friendships irl and online, or, at least attempting to. 😅 Sometimes I’m just bad at not isolating. But this past summer I’ve been spending basically every weekend at my friend Tyler’s apartment and hanging out with her core group of friends. It’s been a nice break from the chaos of the school semester. 😊

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

Well, considering she’s on the other side of the country back in my home state, probably not. She was a lovely first kiss, but I’ll leave it at that. 🤭

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?

With how many planets there are in the galaxy; the universe? Not to mention how many planets within The Goldilocks Zone that share a similar atmosphere to earth within the observable universe alone... How could I not think other life exists? At the very least, in some kind of bacterial form, though, I dare to dream a little bigger. ✨

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?

Well, I’ve never really had a crush, per se, though plenty of squishes. :3 But my first squish did not turn out well, so, no. :c

19. Do you like bubble baths?

Yes, especially if I go all out and light candles and play music on my phone. 🕯️🎶😌 However, I don’t do that very often. I take showers mostly.

20. Do you like your neighbors?

Yeah, they’re chill people. The neighbors with the overly-territorial pitbull that kept us prisoner in our car for hours and broke into our fenced-in backyard to take massive doggie dumps out of sheer hatred for us moved away because their dog kept terrorizing the neighbourhood and was going to get put down if it didn’t stop breaking out to chase children on trikes and joggers onto rooftops. So, the neighbors we have now are awesome! 😆

21. What are your bad habits?

Sometimes I’m too honest and don’t know when to stop talking, other times I’m so socially anxious I might as well be a feature of the wall at parties. 😂 I also have trichotillomania, a compulsive disorder related to OCD, in which I get really strong urges to pull out my hair sometimes, so definitely a bad habit... Just talking about it kinda... ehhhh... moving on. e~e

22. Where would you like to travel?

A lot of places. Though Scotland is at the top of my list. Scotland is a huge part of my family’s heritage, and some of my family still lives there. So I would love to visit and spend some time in nature there~ 💕

23. Do you have trust issues?

Yes.

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?

Well, anytime I get to de-stress is nice. I know wiping down my face with a face wipe always feels nice and refreshing after a day out running errands and attending classes. It’s the little things that are the most help~ 😊

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?

All of it. If I could edit my body, that would be nice.

26. What do you do when you wake up?

Hit snooze on the alarm a couple times, get up, walk to the bathroom... you can imagine the rest.

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?

Nope, I’m quite happy with my vampire pale skin, and even my dirty blonde, curly lion’s mane of hair, and my blue eyes ain’t so bad either. I’m not completely hideous, just 97% hideous. 👌😂

28. Who are you most comfortable around?

Myself. My alters. Tyler. Alex. My Tumblr fam~ 💞

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?

No, because I usually cut them out of my life after they break my heart. Some have tried to stay friends with me or become friends with me again years later, but... no. I don’t need backstabbers in my life.

30. Do you ever want to get married?

Maybe, someday. When the time is right, I’ll know, until then, I’ll enjoy my singledom~ :3

31. Is your hair long enough for a ponytail?

Yes, it’s in a ponytail right now actually. 😆

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?

NONE.

33. Spell your name with your chin.

gtlo nhy (Oh gawd... What a name. 😂)

34. Do you play sports? What sports?

Mi-Suk used to play on tennis and basketball teams, but our spine is a little too deteriorated nowadays to attempt such things.

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?

Without TV, hands down. I’d die without music. I bleed music.

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

Yep. I had a bit of a squish on this kid named Travis in elementary school and never told him. My frenemy told him I had a crush on him, and he never talked to me after that. 😭

37. What do you say during awkward silences?

I either make a joke or just enjoy the silence. Depends what mood I’m in. Sometimes I’m more introverted and just want to sit in silence or listen to music instead of talk. Other times I just wanna connect with people and I tend to crack a lot of darker, self-deprecating jokes as a way to break the ice, or tension if I feel some.

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?

I want someone who is genuinely kind, patient, and funny. It also helps if they are neurodivergent like me, and have similar enough interests, sense of humor, etc. to my own. c: Overall, I just want to feel comfortable and safe with someone. 😊

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?

I buy food at Fry’s... so... Fry’s?

40. What do you want to do after high school?

I’m already out of high school, bub. Now I’m in college, and I still have no idea. I have dream jobs, dream homes, dream lives. But none of them seem realistic.

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

Depends on the crime, really. If I hired someone to babysit my hypothetical children, and they forgot to tell the children to clean up their toys, I believe a second chance is in order. If they, however, ditched the job to mack on Paul Puffy Lips next door, leaving my children to starve, I don’t believe I’ll be giving them another call.

42. If you’re being extremely quiet what does it mean?

It means I’m probably really socially anxious at the moment and would prefer to not be made the center of attention. o~o’

43. Do you smile at strangers?

Yes, sometimes to spread cheer and joy, other times because I’m worried they’ll think I’m an up-to-no-good deviant or zombified by depression, which is how I feel at least 80% of the time, and worry everyone notices, even strangers, who probably would not assume such things, but that’s social anxiety for you. 😂

44. A trip to outer space or the bottom of the ocean?

Why not both? However, humans are so preoccupied with space that we’ve only explored 5% of our oceans. I don’t want the oceans to feel lonely, so I’ll visit them first. 💙

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?

Sometimes the looming responsibilities in my life, other times I just don’t get out of bed.

46. What are you paranoid about?

A lot of things, but the most pressing concern of mine is that everyone will inevitably leave me because I’m a terrible, horrible human being who doesn’t deserve friendship. 😅

47. Have you ever been high?

Every day, if I can help it. I have a medical marijuana card and have for a couple years now.

48. Have you ever been drunk?

No.

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?

No, not really. Nothing is coming to mind.

50. What was the color of the last hoodie you wore?

Well, I’m wearing a hoodie now, and it’s gray, with the Nirvana emblem on the front. 😝 It’s my favorite and coziest hoodie of all.

#honesty hour #asks #tony

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lovemesomesurveys · 3 years

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[--rainboweyes--]

Animals

Do you prefer cats or dogs? I’m a doggo person.

If you had to choose, which animal would you like to be reincarnated as? A doggo.

Some say peoples personalities or looks resemble animals. What’s your animal? A sloth.

Books

Which book series was the first you read? My first? I couldn’t say for sure, but the ones I remember reading were Little Golden Books, Amelia Badelia, and this set of books I had for every letter of the alphabet featuring an animal that started with that letter.

What was the last book you read? I’m currently reading, “Cold Grave” by Mary Stone, which is the 5th book in the series.

Would you rather write a book or direct a movie? Write a book.

Characters

Which TV show/movie/book character do you think you are most like? Hmm. Eeyore?

Which superhero is your favorite and why? Iron Man, The Scarlett Witch, Spiderman, Star Lord, Thor, Wonder Woman, Captain America.

What’s your favorite fairytale character? Alice from Alice in Wonderland.

Dreams

Do you usually remember your dreams? Sometimes I’ll remember them for a brief second, but then *poof* they’re gone.

Are most of your dreams good, scary or just plain weird? I do remember that they’re very random and werid.

What dream that you’ve had has stuck in your head the most? Describe: Recurring ones like being chased, teeth falling out, having to go back to elementary or high school, falling, and ones about certain people.

Emotions

What emotion do you find yourself trying to hide from others? I’m not good at that anymore. I used to be, but my emotions have taken over and I can’t seem to control it. It’s very apparent how depressed, irritated, frustrated, exhausted, and just miserable I feel. I get so snippy and short with everyone and I’m just not the most pleasant to be around. I feel like I’m quite draining to those around me.

How emotional/sentimental would you say you are? I’d say quite emotional and sentimental.

Do your emotions control you or do you control your emotions? Like I said, they very much control me.

Fun

What do you do for fun? What’s fun?

Which is more fun: cycling, watching tv, rollercoaster ride or cooking? Watching TV is about as fun as it gets around here for me and even that’s just mindless entertainment for the most part. I don’t have the energy for much.

Which game is the most fun to play? I enjoy a lot of board games and card games likes Cards Against Humanity and Apples to Apples.

Geometry

Nearest square thing to you? This box I have on my bedside table that has these cooling patch things for headaches.

What was the last circular thing you ate? I had a sugar cookie with vanilla buttercream frosting on it earlier.

Is there anything triangular in the room you’re in right now? I’m sure there is somewhere. I don’t feel like looking around for something.

Height

Are you taller or shorter than average? I’m short.

Is your Mum tall or short? How about your Dad? Mom is average, dad is tall. <<<

Do you wish you were taller or shorter? I wish I was a little bit taller. <<<

If…

If you became pregnant or your partner did, what would you do? I can’t get pregnant nor could my partner since I’m heterosexual, sooo.

If you lost something your friend lent to you, what would you do? I’d have to replace it. Hopefully, it would be something easily replacable.

If you had to talk about 1 subject for a minute live on TV, which one? I would not want to do that.

Jokes

Do you normally tell jokes or listen to the jokes? Listen.

What is your sense of humor like (dry, dark, sarcastic etc)? I don’t even know how to describe it, really. Apart from that I like corny, punny, and “dad jokes.” Otherwise, random stuff will just strike me as funny I don’t know. I haven’t had much of a sense of humor these days, though. It’s been awhile since I’ve really laughed.

What types of jokes offend you? Jokes that are supposedly “jokes”, but I don’t see them that way. <<<

Kisses

Do you put x’s in your text messages? Unless the word requires one. I don’t add them to mean “kisses.”

When did you last have a kiss? Almost 10 years ago.

Does your grandma give you big sloppy kisses when she sees you? No. She kisses me on the cheek, but it’s not like that.

Language

How many languages can you say ‘hello my name is…’ in? Three.

What language do you think sounds the nicest? Spanish.

What language do you want to learn more of? I’d like to be fluent in Spanish.

Marriage

Do you ever want to get married? No.

Church or Registry Office? --

Names

Your closest friends names? I don’t have friends.

What names would you ever call your kids? I don’t want to have kids.

What name is the cutest for a little black and white doggie? I name my doggos based on their personalities and what vibe I get.

Order

Are you tidy? I’m not a “neat freak”, but I don’t like mess/clutter.

Do you color code things or put them in alphabetical order? No.

Do you have any form of OCD? No.

Promises

Do you make promises often? No.

What was the last promise you made? I honestly don’t even remember.

Do you plan to keep that promise?^^ --

Quizzes

What types of online quizzes/surveys do you like taking? Random ones with interesting questions that allow me to elaborate.

Have you ever made a quiz? What was it about? I made one once a longgggg time ago.

Have you ever taken an EQ or IQ test? If so, what did you get? Above average, apparently.

Responsibility

Do you class yourself as 'responsible’? Not so much anymore.

What do you think defines a 'responsible’ person? Being dependable and reliable. <<< Yeah, that’s definitely part of it.

What is it that you are responsible for? Myself, which I haven’t been doing a good job of.

Secrets

Do you have a lot of secrets? I wouldn’t say so.

Do you have any 'dark’ secrets? Hmmm.

“A secret isn’t a secret if you tell one person.” Is this true to you? I suppose that’s true.

Thought Provoking

If you knew you had a high chance of dying, would you kill yourself before disease riddled you unable or hope for the best? I wouldn’t be able to kill myself.

Choose a box: 1 has a large amount of money, the other either a wish or fear of yours come true. Which do you pick? I’d go for the wish. Why would I want a fear to come true? Or would I not be able to choose if I get the wish or fear? Gah. If that’s the case, then give me the money.

An angel comes to you and offers to show you one thing from the future or the past; past or future and what is that thing gonna be? I don’t know. The future terrifies me... there’s things I’d like to know, but the possible outcomes scare me and I always expect the worst.

Unlucky

Would you say you are more unlucky or lucky? Unlucky.

Does luck exist or is it coincidence? I don’t believe in it.

A leprechaun pops up and offers to plant some luck on you but it could go either way. Risk it or dismiss it? Dismiss it.

Violence

When did you last hit or punch someone? I never have.

When did you last get hit or punched? I’ve never been hit or punched.

Are you more likely to be verbally aggressive or physically? Neither. I’m not a violent or aggressive person.

Warnings

Do you listen when someone gives you a warning? Not always, admittedly. I’m very stubborn and sometimes I think know better. I don’t know why...

What warning has someone gave you that you wish you’d have listened to? Not to ignore certain things cause they certain ended up biting me in the ass.

What warning has someone gave you you are glad you didn’t take? Hmm.

XXX

Have you ever had sex? Nope.

Have you ever watched anything pornographic? I’ve seen clips before. Not my thing at all.

Have you ever accidently saw someone having sex? No.

YouTube

Do you go onto YouTube? I watch a lot of YouTube.

What is your favorite video of on YouTube? I have countless favorite videos, mainly ASMR.

What channels do you go on the most? The ASMR channels I’m subscribed to, but others as well like like vlog and lifestyle channels, Disney related ones, and a couple drama commentary channels.

Zodiac

What’s your starsign? I’m a Leo.

What are the traits of that sign? Do you have them? I’m so opposite of how a Leo is described.

What zodiac sign do you think you suit the most? *shrug* I don’t know much about them or even believe in that stuff so I don’t care.

Number 1

Name me 1 person who has changed your life for the better? My mom.

Name me 1 object that’s in your kitchen right now? My Keurig.

Name one creature that freaks you out/scares you? ALL BUGS.

Number 2

2nd person that you talked to today was… My doctor.

What is 2 times your favorite number? Sixteen.

You and two of your friends have got in trouble with the law. Who are the 2 friends you have got in trouble with and what did you do? No friends, remember?

Number 3

3 words that don’t describe you at all: Happy, confident, outgoing.

Who is 3rd in your contacts list on your phone? I don’t feel like checking.

In 3 more days, what will the date be? Monday, April 26, 2021.

#persona #text #survey #surveys #categories

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thiaschuessler · 3 years

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2020 Roundup

Woof. What a year.

When I think back on 2020, it's truly a blur --and not in the fun way, like a whirlwind trip across Europe or a two-week feature film shoot. When future generations ask me about the pandemic, my vague memory of 2020 will be 10 months all blended together while I wasted away in bed. Sleeping 12 out of 24 hours each day. Indulging in far too many midnight bowls of cereal. Watching more TV than ever humanly possible pre-quarantine. In a normal year, the film and television that I consume is more curated to quality work that inspires me to make my own. Going into 2021, I’m worried I’ve become too comfortable at home, watching crap. I’m worried I’ve lost my drive to be out here in LA, trying to make it in “showbiz.”

Now that it’s New Year’s Eve, I’ve decided to dust off my laptop and keep up with my annual tradition of blogging my accomplishments. I think it’s important, this year more than ever, to enumerate the few things that did happen to my career in 2020.

1. I started the year off (pre-pandemic) by submitting Shy Ruby’s “LIT” (the New Year’s Eve mini rom com that my sister Sarah and I made together in 2019) to some romance film festivals. Sadly, several were canceled or postponed indefinitely, but we were lucky to share our work with a few festivals that went virtual this year.

2. Before the lockdown, in February, “LIT” had its international premiere at a romance festival in Australia, which was screened in an actual cinema, but obviously it was too far for me to attend. I did get to attend the premiere screening of “CRYSTAL” --another romantic short film I worked on back in September 2019 that was being released on Valentine’s Day 2020.

3. “LIT” had its Canadian premiere in Toronto, where judges and audience members were asked to watch from home. We received lovely feedback through videos from sweet sweet Canadians who awarded “LIT” BEST PERFORMANCES. (Yay for me and my co-star, Al Rahn!) “LIT” was also selected for an annual summer film series in Toronto, which had to be held virtually this year. It was screened online in a block of female-directed shorts. (Yay for Sarah Schuessler!)

4. In May, Shy Ruby was given an entire section of a streaming app called BeeTV in the “made for women by women” category.

5. In the fall, I was hired to work on one of the first feature film productions back since quarantine (or so we bragged) called OJAI, shooting in one of my favorite cities just 15 minutes from where I was quarantining: Ojai, California. I got myself on the crew as Script Supervisor thanks to my trusty OCD. Once I met (and charmed) everyone on set, I was asked to be an extra in the background of a scene. Then another. And another, until finally, I had an actual character with three scenes with lines and a name! It was pretty funny to get so much encouragement after my scenes from my fellow crew members, telling me what a natural I was (they had no idea I was a trained actress). But I’m still happy if they only know me as a Scripty, because I absolutely loved doing that crazy crazy job.

6. To finish off the year with a bang, I flew to New Orleans to shoot one ten-minute scene in an indie feature film. When the director cast me off my reel, he told me that I reminded him of Greta Gerwig (sold!). I don't know if he saw that I had theatre-training, but he said that they were going to be shooting long takes, so I’d be a great fit. I had no idea that the reason we’d be doing long takes was that we were shooting on film! Very exciting and nerve-racking, because like in live theatre, you have to get it right every time, and if you mess up, you have to make it work for the scene. There’s no room for an actor to stop and say, “Can we cut?” or “Can we go again?” So we rehearsed the full 10+ minute scene over and over for two hours until we had it in our bones. Finally, that camera started rolling, and damn was it loud! I hadn’t worked with an actual film camera since my cinematography class freshman year at USC (when I thought I wanted to be a DP, before I realized how insanely hard it is). So I had completely forgotten how loud that film roll is! We had all been rehearsing in our “screen actor” voices, aka basically whispering, because with microphones and a digital camera, you don’t have to project your voice. But once we were rolling, we realized our whispers weren’t going to cut it! So it was a very theatrical performance for my second role in a feature film this year. I’m very interested to see how it turns out. But I know my co-stars Jaren Mitchell & Jamie Neumann were killing it.

The Cast: Me, Jaren Mitchell (The Purge), Jamie Neumann (The Deuce)

I didn’t take any photos on set, but while I was in New Orleans, I did visit a photographer friend Josh Vine at the Bywater Art Lofts and we had some fun:

7. On a general note, throughout the year, I was invited to submit self-taped auditions for more projects than I can count, which is not usual. I filmed and submitted several “tapes” for the ones that I was excited about. I had 5 callbacks. I had 2 Zoom meetings with directors. I was offered 4 roles that I never even auditioned for. (2 of those 4 were never filmed, but it’s still flattering.) So, while I know I could’ve been hustling harder this year, I gotta say I’m impressed I even had these kinds of numbers during the pandemic, when I tried to consciously give myself permission NOT to hustle.

vimeo

I was also asked to record a portion of ABBA’s “Thank You for the Music” for one of those compilation videos that were so popular at the beginning of the pandemic. I don’t think the director ever posted it, though, because this was when the BLM movement was gaining momentum, and it would’ve been gauche to post a bunch of annoying musical-lovers singing about how lucky we are to be blonde --an actual line from this song is “I’ve been so lucky. I am the girl with golden hair. I want to sing it out to everybody. What a joy, what a life, what a chance!” So... yeah. That’s a big no no. Regardless, it was fun to sing in the closet that day, so here’s my bit!

All in all, in conclusion, I forgot how to write. No wonder I didn’t get past the concept phase of the next Shy Ruby script. Hopefully, I’ll get over my personal creative block in 2021. If not, apparently I can work on other people’s projects and it’s pretty fun! Oh man. My brain really atrophied from lack of use this year. PEACE 2020!

#Happy New Year #female filmmakers #actress #los angeles actress #film crew #short films #film festivals #script

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rafaelthompson · 4 years

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‘Master Q+A’ Continued: Scott Conary

We keep going with our ‘Master Q+A’ with Scott Conary from the April + May 2020 issue of Barista Magazine, as he discusses the beginnings of barista competitions, their impacts on café culture, and how they have changed.

BY KENNETH R. OLSON BARISTA MAGAZINE

In our April + May 2020 Fifteenth Anniversary issue of Barista Magazine, I had the opportunity to interview Scott Conary for our “Master Q+A” feature. Scott has spent the better part of two decades as a barista competition judge, and in the course of our interview, he had much more to share about the competitions and their evolution than we had room to fit on the printed page. As we wait for barista competitions to resume again sometime in the future (and here’s hoping it won’t be too long), this seemed like a good time to share Scott’s thoughts and reflections on the growth and change he’s witnessed firsthand as a judge.

Scott judges at the Honduran Barista Championship. He has judged national and international barista competitions for almost 20 years.

Kenneth R. Olson: Do you have any funny stories from your years of judging that would highlight how much things have changed from, say, 2003 to 2020?

Scott Conary: Recently, I and a few others have been digging into the archives to come up with some fun memories of the “way it was,” somewhat spurred on by the memory lane effort when WBC celebrated 20 years.

Looking at past scoresheets is a really interesting study in evolution, the things we thought were important (and they were, ostensibly, at first!) It reminds me that when we started, education was such a large part of what the competitions did. That won’t ever go away exactly, but how that education was implemented has changed dramatically.

The first step was to set standards and best practices that can be adhered to and scored. This was a big deal for the majority of folks who never took a class or were trained consistently, and a lot of the early years for comps were getting larger and larger numbers of people onboard to achieve those current standards.

Once that became better known (and disseminated widely through other outlets like Barista Guild of America certifications used as a jumping-off point from classes and workshops), the method of education and the focus of the competitions can be shifted to more exploratory and innovative. So instead of thinking that the competitions should mirror the real-world café setting, we were able to look at the competitions as a kaleidoscope of possibility—what is possible in our industry.

You can argue that for this next phase to be the most successful, it required that base of knowledge that the competitions helped spread worldwide. Now you can have a conversation with folks from around the world and not only agree but understand each other in terms of basic best practices.

With that established, the competitions can continue to evolve into an even better format for pushing the boundaries of what is possible in specialty coffee. And that is the part that everyone remembers: the new stuff, the crazy ideas, the innovations and demands by professional baristas to manufacturers to make better machines. Never before had there been such a response, in so short a time, to customer requests of ideas for improvements. So many of the things we take for granted now in our industry were forged in the fires of competition.

How important is it to get that score of six for coffee waste? So important that grinder manufacturers designed on-demand grinders. This wasn’t something that was being asked for specifically in cafés, but items like scales on and in drain trays, pressure, temperature, and flow rate, all of the various dose and distribution tools—all of these were pushed to creation from the desire for higher scores in competition.

I have a gift and curse for being able to wipe my memory clean between competitors and competitions. This probably stems from my scientific background and desire to remain as unbiased as possible, but what it means is, I often have to be reminded by friends who were there with me about all the crazy things we went through and drank.

It’s fun to remember that we required sugar, which we knew we would never use, at service, with the thought that we wanted to emulate a café setting. Or that all four beverages needed to be served at once (meaning there was a big boom in the tray industry for some time, until Stephen Morrissey showed us how to balance them all on our arms in 2008).

Are there any trends you’ve noticed over the years that may have started in barista competitions and have gone on to become common in retail?

So many! Methods of preparation, tools for dose and distribution accuracy (scales, OCD, and other distribution and tamping tools), investigation and insights into ratios and liquid weight (beverage volume) out.

Even just the aesthetic of an organized and clean station, as the “Knowledge” standard for presentation, has its origins in the competition. Modbar was just the next logical step for this open presentation format, where everything is being “judged,” and no hiding from the “technical judge/customer.”

A really fun thing to watch from the 1,000-foot viewpoint, and the luxury of seeing it for so long, are the stages that people, countries, and cultures go through as they get involved in competitions. Sometimes the simplest form is mimicry. This can have something to do with the advent of social media and the start of performances being viewed on video and YouTube. Often since the foundational things cannot be transmitted through camera (quality of beverages, balance of espresso, etc.), what people pick up on are the visuals … what people are wearing, glassware used, styles of presentation and speech. For a couple of years after Michael Phillips won [the World Barista Championship] in 2010, so many competitors in distant parts of the world were wearing suspenders, as if that was part of the secret to winning.

Scott in the middle of three World Barista Champions (Klaus Thomsen, Michael Phillips, and Stephen Morrissey) celebrating the end of another WBC in Bogota, Colombia, in 2011, with Lani Peterson and Emily Oak in the foreground and Amber Fox behind Scott.

Are there any performances, signature drinks, or something else from competition that stand out to you in particular?

There are too many to remember clearly, but what stands out are moments when you can see or feel a groundswell of change—a pivotal moment when the game is changed, and people can tell.

Focusing on WBC champions, Michael Phillips took the judges to task in 2010 with a complicated signature beverage and comprehensive presentation that really put judges to the test. This was a bit of a wake-up call and kept our efforts in training judges moving forward to be sure not to be the weak link in this partnership we have with baristas for innovating our industry.

If a barista can manage something in the time provided, we as judges need to be up to the task of evaluating its merits. I remember judging this routine in the USBC finals (since I recused myself for finals at WBC), and appreciated the orchestrated way information was shared, such that one didn’t really need to take notes, but simply experience and absorb. This idea of a presentation that is so well done that simply by experiencing it the judge remembers everything, is my gold-standard definition for new judges when it comes to thinking about the level of what they have experienced.

And then there are the innovators. Folks who I have told them how much I appreciate their willingness to push boundaries and try something new on a stage that is merciless and might not score as well as something safer. But their desire to share this innovation is stronger, at least to some degree, than simply wanting to win (of course they want both). Colin Harmon is one of these people. Year after year he brought something engaging and chancy to the stage to the judges’ delight, I think with the knowledge that it might be difficult to score, and I made sure to thank him for continuing to push every time.

Both James Hoffmann and Stephen Morrissey showed us that a presentation did not have to be elaborate, but could be informative, insightful, and simply focus on delicious coffee. Alejandro Mendez and Raul Rodas took charge of the swing toward origin at the time, to really tie every aspect back to the coffee’s journey, often with a very personal touch, as the first two WBC champions to come from coffee-growing regions.

Scott with 2016 World Barista Champion Berg Wu and Berg’s wife, Chee Lu.

In terms of signature beverage patterns, I remember distinctly that around 2009 was the “year of the bacon” (which was specifically challenging for me, not eating red meat), and 2010-2014 had a significant rise in the use of cascara.

What role do you think barista competitions have in promoting the profession and specialty coffee?

The competitions have already gone such a long way in promoting and developing the profession of barista—from setting best practice standards that have influenced coffee professionals around the world (and made it easier to find delicious coffee almost anywhere), to increasing the exposure of the craft and profession—sometimes to a mocking level, but still raising awareness of the effort and skill required to do this thing correctly and thus engage customers worldwide in the idea that there is a value worth paying for. Naturally it’s not 100% effective, very little is, but the proof exists that a change has happened and continues to happen, and it allows more coffee shops and professionals to flourish than ever before for customers who are willing to pay for the increased quality.

The post ‘Master Q+A’ Continued: Scott Conary appeared first on Barista Magazine Online.

‘Master Q+A’ Continued: Scott Conary published first on https://espressoexpertsite.tumblr.com/

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journeyof-lawschool · 7 years

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MENTAL ILLNESS AND COLLEGE/UNI :: TIPS ON DEALING WITH IT ALL

At this point, I"ve seen quite a lot of studyblrs and studygrams and it definitely has been an enjoyable few weeks as I have settled into my new hobby. But I have not seen a single post about mental illness and how to deal with it when you're studying so I'd like to share some of my tips with you hard working people.

Let me quickly summarise my mental illness in a nutshell

-major depression

-ocd

-Insomnia

-Self Harm

-unsupportive family

-no meds

-no therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist

I had a major relapse halfway into my second semester at uni/college but me being a perfectionist and all, had to find a way to cope with it all and things I found beneficial.

Here are a few things I would like to suggest to those going through a rough time but would also like to at least pass the course.

But please note, i am not a professional and these are just things I have picked up along the years

1. Take a week off of uni

No homework, no assignment, no essay, no test, no exam is worth your life. I repeat, your life is what matters the most. Grades are pointless if you are dead. Mid way through the term, I took a week off of uni. I didn't go to class, I didn't go to any tutorials. I said 'fuck it' and decided I really just needed time for myself.

For the week, I cried, I was an insomniac (tbh I still am), I could barely get out of bed but I made sure that all of that was DONE in the THAT week. I had a major assignment due the next week, but I didn't care. I needed my time to do whatever the fuck I wanted to do without stressing myself out.

2. Use sources

Now mental illness is all different for everyone and unfortunately, I do not like sharing my feelings with real life people. I hate it. Even my best friend doesn't know I have major depression and that I self harm and am suicidal. I think at one point (after that depression week) I was beginning to just break down again. I sat at my table and I just couldn't stop crying. I couldn't do anything but cry in my bed or do nothing in my bed. I really wanted to talk to someone about how I felt and the shit I was going through but I don't (didn't) have the courage to go talk to a doctor about it.

So I thought okay I'm really going to kill myself tomorrow if I don't talk to anyone.

- I went online and talked to an online crisis talk person about all the shit that was going on and how I felt and it REALLY helped me. I told them about EVERYTHING knowing they could not know me. The best part was that they didn't try to constantly frame my depression into a little box or try to pin point define my depression. They listened (read) and they just sort of went along with it and I don't know what it was, but they made me a heck of a lot better.

3. (If you can/want to / able to) talk to professors or school

This is probably something I should have done...I began missing out on major online tests and was literally failing assignments during the beginning of the relapse period. I couldn't talk to anyone about it and was literally deteriorating inside out. But I think talking to my professors about what was going on probably would've gotten me better grades.

3.1 Talk to a doctor/ counsellor

I must admit during high school, there was never a great relationship between the school counsellor and myself. Only because she would tell me shit that really didn't help. Doctors are there to help you (funny I say this when I can't even go to the doctors lol). I've never had medication for my mental illness but maybe they will help. Counsellors are most likely going to tell you how to deal with high levels of stress and stress coping mechanisms, which may help too.

4. Make the study goal small

Only fit in 15 minutes of study? Or only 30? It doesn't matter. As long as you made an attempt, you tried. You got out of bed, you told yourself you have shit to finish and you packed all your emotions in a little ball and held everything together for 15 minutes, I applaud you. You did it. You made an attempt, an effort. For that, you are wonderful and that is totally fine.

5.Stop the need for high grades, JUST PASS (looking at you perfectionists)

The worst thing you can do it neglect your inner feelings and *attempt* to move on. That won't work. You are probably going to be able to properly study for 2 hours in the 5 hours you have spent in the library. You have to remember your situation, your current circumstance. Neglecting your depression and lying to yourself really won't work just to attempt to get a high grade for an assignment.

A PASS IS FINE. Ps GIVE DEGREES. YOU PASSED AND THAT IS ALL THAT MATTERS.

This applies to exam time. As long as you pass, it is totally fine. Just set the bar low, and tell yourself that its fine to just get 50%

Setting a higher goal and trying to achieve high distinctions, only to get a lower grade will have a SERIOUS impact on your self esteem and let me tell you, that was the engine of my depression during this relapse and oh-dear, that shit hit me hard.

Short story: I actually failed my crime 2 course this semester. The usual me would go

'How could you possibly fail a course??' But depression me deep down knows what matters is that I am alive and I remember all the 4am crying sessions, wanting to kill myself, planning my suicide in my head and waking up 2 hours later to go to uni. If I had set my goal so high and was faced with this fail, I probably would've drowned in self hatred.

Notes on self harming:

This is my bad coping mechanism. I must admit I did self harm during this relapse, I have tried to change that by trying different things like brush lettering and bullet journaling. Find something that you can do.

Final words:

Again, I can't influence this enough,

SCHOOL/ COLLEGE/ UNI IS NOT WORTH YOUR LIFE. YOUR LIFE MATTERS THE MOST.

There is absolutely no point in going to uni and shizzles if you are dead.

If you are struggling, there are numerous online anonymous support websites and phone numbers that can really help, which have helped me tremendously.

Anyone who wants/ needs a chat, I am always here and ready to talk. Again, you got this, we can do this, but you don't have to do it alone.

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steamishot · 4 years

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Last of 2019

Back at work and I’m the only one in my office this week. Highlights from the last two weeks:

Spent a good amount of time on the east coast. Vacations are much better when you aren’t as pressed for time. I think the last time I was in NYC, it wasn’t hard to say bye because I didn’t even physically/mentally settle in. When I had more time during this trip, I had more capacity to process and reflect about things. It felt like I was slowly building my life there, but had to return. I didn’t want to come back. Luckily, the weather was good the majority of the time I was there. It wasn’t unbearably cold, and it only rained my last night and day.

Matt and I learned more about how to cohabitate with each other on this trip. He’s gotten used to living alone, so he would make comments about my hair being everywhere, or wanting me to do things a certain way (i.e. not step in the bathroom with sandals on, not leave clothes on the chair, etc.). I said if he really wants to live with me, then he has to learn how to live with me and have some compromise. He told me, if/when I move to NYC, I’ll feel more free and have more freedom because I’ll be living “alone”. I said freedom from what? He said family obligations and the such. I think that I’ll be more individualistic but I won’t be “free” because I’ll have duties as his partner, which I think may be more constricting than what my parents expect of me LOL. As opposed to my parents who do their share of work at home, I most likely will pick up the household chores at home with Matt. I also won’t have my own space to retreat to, so I’m not sure how that will be.

During my time there, two “major” things happened- 1. I endangered his building and us by accidentally leaving the stove on for 8+ hours. 2. He realized he lost $500 in cash. The first thing happened on Christmas day. All his housemates were gone, so we were hanging out/eating breakfast in the living room/kitchen. I had just arrived back from my Washington DC/Pennsylvania trip the night before and we barely got to talk about it or hang out because he got back late as well. In the morning, we were bickering because I felt he was insensitive and annoying. I was probably too focused on being annoyed that I was careless with the knob. Instead of turning it off, I turned it completely to the opposite side of low, where the stove was still on but no flame was burning. We made up during breakfast and as we were walking up the stairs back to his room, he said “all the stoves are off?” as he glanced over to check. He was looking for flame and didn’t see any so thought we were good. I looked over too and was almost gonna go closer since I didn’t have my glasses on. I decided that it wasn’t important to double check myself lol and thought his judgment was good enough. We got ready and left the house for our Christmas fun. When we came back 8+ hours later, we smelled gas as we approached our door (on the 3rd floor of the building). Instinctively, Matt placed his hand on the door to check if it warm.

Very fortunately, nothing was set off. The windows were all shut tight as well. He rushed in to turn off the stove and opened the windows. The smell of gas was so strong, I was afraid of breathing it in and cowardly went back outside LOL. In hindsight, Matt was very brave. We both went back outside and then decided to just go upstairs again and hang out in the balcony right outside of his room. He turned on the fan and the vent, and also charged his phone (which in hindsight might have not been the brightest ideas, since we’re supposed to not use anything electrical for fear that it would create a spark and start an explosion). We didn’t have a CO meter. The smell of natural gas went away about an hour later, but we didn’t want to risk sleeping in the apartment that night in case there were traces of CO or not enough oxygen ratio(?). I ended up getting us a hotel walkable to his workplace. He was stressed out because it was late already ~9pm when this happened, and he would have to be up at 6am. As we were about to leave the apartment in a rush, he realized that he had left his keys inside his room that we already locked. He was very heroic and was able to break in to his own room with a knife in a couple minutes. The last time that happened (one other time), it took him a few hours to break back in. It all worked out and the hotel we stayed at was very nice. They provided yoga mats, blocks, and resistance bands, and had delicious tea in the waiting room. Our series of fortunate and unfortunate events...

When we got to the hotel, we looked a bit strange as we were holding a few packing cubes, like we just threw some stuff together before arriving. The next morning, he left to work and I brought our stuff back to his place. Long story short, his cleaning lady was over at his place to clean. Tenants are supposed to leave their room open if they want the lady to go in and clean their room. He wanted his room cleaned, so I would have to leave it open, but he needed his valuables to be packed away. The cleaning lady was already there when I arrived, which made me feel a little safer knowing that the place is safe and not gas infested anymore lol. Per his instructions, I tidied up and locked up some valuables in the closet. He asked that I also lock up his cash (which he claimed was in his drawer). But I couldn’t find it and had to leave because I had a hang out planned with my new Japanese friends. So while I was out with my new friends, Matt was anxious at work about his cash. When we met up after he got off work that night, his OCD was on blast and he couldn’t stop thinking about his money being lost. The cleaning lady ended up not cleaning the room even though I left the door open, maybe because the door was shut when she first arrived? At first he accused the cleaning lady of stealing it, but he couldn’t remember where he last saw the money. We spent two nights and a day catering to his OCD and cleaning out his room to try to find the money. Til today, he still is ruminating about this and can’t figure it out.

This series of events, place almost burning down -> losing $500 was very stressful for Matt. His parents and I keep telling him that $500 is not a big deal. For him, it’s not the amount of money that’s important, but he is bothered because he did something “careless” and can’t even remember where he went wrong.

Recap on my “solo” trip to Philly/DC. In socal, I’m familiar with the idea of Chinese tours as my parents have gone, and I have gone once as a kid with my mom and grandma. There’s a meeting spot, ideally with a parking lot. In NYC, I couldn’t really picture how that would work as the roads are crazy and parking is limited. I was kinda anxious about my trip, but once I got a text from my tour guide the day before, I felt safe that I had a contact. I seamlessly found my way to the meeting spot via subway in the morning. I saw one middle aged Chinese lady and a couple standing there. I asked them if it was for the tour. Funny enough, that couple would be my new friends later on in my trip. My tour group was 16 people total – a thai family of 6, a Filipino family of 4, a Chinese lady with her Chinese friend and son, the Japanese couple, and me. On the first day, I sat behind the thai lady and her ~7/8 year old daughter. They were bougie thai with fur jackets, prada bags and designer shoes etc. They reclined their seat so far that I was pretty uncomfortable and annoyed. The first day, we went to Princeton, Philly hop on/hop off tour, Lancaster/Amish tour, and then dinner. The coolest thing was getting to learn about and see the Amish. Everyone on our tour decided to eat at the buffet that night. We all sat in one section, and fortunately the Japanese girl asked if I wanted to join them. We ended up getting along well, and had some things in common: we’re all 27, they did and are doing long distance (dating 6 years, married 1 year), they’ve lived in LA for a few months, I’ve been to japan a couple of times, we all watch terrace house lol. I was happy that I had people to hang out with on the tour, as the other families kept to themselves.

The second day of the tour was awesome. I didn’t really have too much of an interest in DC before, but the town is beautiful. I want to go back to explore more. We got to see the white house, Lincoln memorial and US Capitol. I learned a lot at the US Capitol and really enjoyed our tour. As our white lady tour guide asked our group where everyone was from, she chuckled when everyone else named a country and I named a city – Los Angeles. She said in her 40 years of being a tour guide, she found that those who are from LA or Chicago tend to just say LA or Chicago, whereas other people would say their state. My argument is that more people know what Los Angeles is than what California is. And Chicago is definitely more well-known than “Illinois” haha.

Memories that we created:

He made me breakfast twice.

I built his Bunkie board. He had complained about his Casper mattress, and I found out he wasn’t using the correct platform to support his bed, and it was actually sinking in and causing backpain.

We exchanged Christmas gifts. I made him a photobook. Due to some shipping issues, they actually shipped one to his address, and one to my address. So my Asian ass is happy I got two books for the price of one and didn’t have to pay anything extra for shipping. He really liked the gift. But the photo quality wasn’t the best. He got me an instax camera. I thought the color was ugly lol, because of course he bought the one that was on sale, but enjoyed using it during my trip.

We checked out the Bryant village winter park, which was overly crowded and went to the rockerfeller tree.

I watched him hysterically laugh at ronny chieng’s Netflix special. It was especially funny because Ronny describes people like matt exactly- Chinese Americans who live in NYC, who rely heavily on online platforms (Amazon, uber eats, instacart, etc.), have tonal problems, and loves money. His skit about Chinese people and their relationship with money and being a doctor is hilarious.

We went ice skating in a REAL winter outdoorsy area. He fell. I didn’t.

We started this tradition of going to Murray’s cheese shop every time I’m in NY. They have wonderful cheeses and cured meats.

We had a very Christmas-esque Christmas day. I got us tickets for the Christmas Spectacular with the Radio City Rockettes, which seems to be a very traditional holiday show. Their first performance was in 1933. They’re very visually pleasing and the show reminded us of the magical feeling of Christmas. In one scene, as they showed the biblical history, they brought out real sheep and a camel which was amazing haha. We then picked up vegan sushi and ate it at Central Park, where the lake was frozen. Then had a delicious hot pot dinner.

Almost burned the house down. He called me careless, but I asked him to name something positive about the event. He said he enjoyed when I was screaming for his safety and kept reminding him to come outside to breathe fresh air.

Lost $500 incident and worked through that lol

Marie Kondo’d his room. NYC is very generous with paper bags so he had stacks and stacks of grocery bags because he is a hoarder. We finally got rid of that.

Brought him to eat at this amazing Cantonese café that serves crack hk milk tea. I found that place when I had the day to explore myself, and liked it so much I was willing to go again 2 days later. Happy to know there is a branch in SGV too. He also found the milk tea mindblowing. The prices are also incredible for NYC. We over ordered and overate, and the bill was still under $25/person. This restaurant is definitely LA prices.

Went to iPic luxury theater using a gift card I received to watch star wars. We initially had planned on watching it at an AMC since he was able to get discounted tickets ~$18 for 2 which is a complete steal in that city. However, with my gift card, we would only have to pay $3. He ended up really liking the experience and called it the “first class” of movie going.

Did some shopping/window shopping at uniqlo, Canada goose, and moma store at Soho. I only heard about the brand CG a few months ago when I saw a youtuber wear it. I looked it up and learned that it’s at least $500 to almost 1k per coat. I saw a few people in London wear it, but lots of people in NYC (especially the Asians) wear it for a status symbol. Matt, being the elitist that he is, was interested in it too and started pointing out everyone wearing one. So we went to check out the actual store to see what the hype was about. Not worth it for me.

Ate delicious oysters. 3 rounds!! That vinegar and lemon combo tho. Tried oyster stout and it was good! Our seafood dinner was also delish.

Made and ate cheese/meat/fruit platter while watching Long shot.

Tried NY cheesecake for the first time!

Things I learned from my Japanese friends about Japan/Japanese people:

Everyone follows rules and regulations. People are afraid to go against this and say no. This may make life stressful and cause a higher suicide rate

People normally commit to the same job after graduation. It looks bad to job hop. The best way to earn more/be promoted more is to stay at the same company.

If you find money on the floor, you’re supposed to bring it to the police station where they will ask you a series of questions (where did you find this, what time, etc).

People use wallets/phones/valuables to save their spot

Japanese iphones/smart phones always have the shutter sound on their camera, even on silent, and even if you’re using earphones. This is because of their pervert problems. HOWEVER, she showed me a trick where you just take a video instead and can still be perverted lol.

My 2020 resolution is quite contingent upon how Matt’s life will unfold. I go back and forth between wanting him back in California, or wanting him to stay in NYC. I don’t care too much about professional growth, as long as I have a steady and high enough income. I need to figure out which program he will be going to next in order to plan out when I will quit my job and if I will move. After coming back from the east coast, I realize that I’m a little stunted being in the same city. I’ve lived in LA my whole life, went to school here, and am still here post-grad. I still do feel like a bird in the nest. After a while of exploring NYC, I felt like I ran out of places I want to visit. NYC is definitely more city life. For fun, people go out to bars, restaurants, clubs, museums, parks, and shopping. It’s crowded everywhere and hard to get away from people. I enjoy how LA provides a mixture. There are city like parts, but lots of suburban areas in between. I thought I was gonna walk a lot during my NYC trip, but I realize walking there feels so much more tiring than it does here because of how crowded it is. When I walk a mile here on campus, it feels refreshing because of the greenery and nice weather. It’s relaxing. Over there, you’re just packed like sardines and there’s a lot of foot traffic which makes walking difficult sometimes. It’s also dirtier and not as naturey. I don’t mind being on the east coast for a year or more. There’s so many places I haven’t been to and the plane ride to Europe is so short from there!

I tend to have this thought right when I come back, and then start settling in again and getting comfortable haha. So let’s see where 2020 takes us.

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zolganif · 5 years

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Name something that you saw within the past week that made you smile: Seeing some updates on Ambreigns stories ^^

Name something within the past week that made you frown: This whole thing about Jon Moxley saying the N word in the past. I’m just so over it. All the backlash he’s getting for this mistake he’s made, how he’s never addressed it or other stuff he said, everyone arguing and being assholes to each other over it.

I’ve honestly been kinda worried about it. Just what people are going to think of him if he never does apologize/address it. Him not doing that, I don’t see him as not being sorry or regretful for it, just that he probably wants to focus on his career, becoming a better person of himself, you know? I don’t know, I just feel differently about the whole thing than what so many others do. I believe that he is a genuinely good person and that he has changed.

One thing I don’t understand is that the video has been up for a long time now, online. I checked the date of the one on Youtube and its been up since 2010. So I just don’t get why people care so much now when they didn’t years back. Like don’t you think it would have been brought it up before? During his time with WWE? I just think it somewhat makes people look like hypocrites when they suddenly care so much about it now.

Name somebody who you wish would cut you a break sometimes: There isn’t really anybody who I can think of

Name somebody you know who deserves a better life than they have: I'm not sure.

Name something you own that has high sentimental value: My Dean Ambrose plush :3

Name something that you hope is different by this time next year: Not really sure.

Name something that you’re good at but don’t like: *shrugs*

Name something that you’re bad at but DO like: Singing

Name something that you like about the person you argue most with: I don’t really argue with anybody anymore

Name something that you strongly believe in: Myself?

Name something that was funny to you but not to anybody else: Probably something I thought was funny

Name somebody who has tried to help you and ended up hurting you: I'm not sure.

Name something that you had to learn the hard way: You don't know what you've got until it's gone.

Name something that you think should be illegal: Not sure. Probably recording videos of someone without their permission.

Name a date that has a lot of significance to you: There isn’t really one, unless if you want to include my birthday

Do you like pudding?: Yes! Especially butterscotch pudding!

What was the last thing you complained about?: No idea

Do you tend to use a lot of big words?: Rarely

Do you fall for guys/girls easily?: Not so much anymore

Do you have low or high self esteem?: In between

Are you a heavy sleeper?: I can be.

Have you ever felt like you’ve hit below rock bottom?: Yes.

When someone copies you, are you more flattered or annoyed?: Never been

Are you trustworthy?: Yes.

What’s one of your favorite quotes?: Not exactly a quote, but here’s some lyrics...

Don’t give me love, don’t give me faith Wisdom nor pride, give innocence instead Don’t give me love, I've had my share Beauty nor rest, give me truth instead

Favorite song lyrics?: Oh! I could be here all night! But...here’s lyrics of a song I think everybody should listen to.

Some say suffering's not much But I say... We make sure to know We know a lot of who we're killing We fell apart We all fell apart Underestimate what it means to me We fell apart We all fell apart Underestimate what it means to me We're all different right? (We're all different right) Age is one, other side, different lines Different roles Different rules to abide by And all these lines self divide to races of men Cause we're all different right? We fell apart We all fell apart Underestimate what it means to me We fell apart We all fell apart Underestimate what it means to me We're all different right? (We're all different right) Step over Step over that clever line Gotta figure out which side is right Choose a destiny to live for If you wanna live or die or fight And only one side wins And what I think of this I don't know It's not that I'm afraid of dying It's just, I'm so afraid to live Some say that clever's as they come But I say We slowly learn to bite upon the sun Perfect's finally gone and We fell apart We all fell apart Underestimate what it means to me We fell apart We all fell apart Underestimate what it means to me We're all different right? (We're all different right) Step over Step over that clever line Gotta figure out which side is right Choose a destiny to live by If you wanna live or die or fight And only one side wins And what I think of this I don't know It's not that I'm afraid of dying It's just, I'm so afraid to live Hate is what fuels our wars and bloody lips Don't listen to love But I can sing songs And I can sing about how I know I know that this is wrong Step over Step over that clever line Gotta figure out which side is right, Choose a destiny to live by If you wanna live or die or fight And only one side wins And what I think of this I don't know It's not that I'm afraid of dying It's just, I'm so afraid to live Some say sufferings not much But I say...

Also, I feel like I’ve been taken back in time because they just released a new album this year in July! That makes me so happy! :)

Which is worse: Stale chips or flat soda?: Both are pretty bad

Have you ever been heartbroken?: Yes

Have you ever carved a pumpkin?: Yes.

Are there any CD’s that you enjoy listening to all the way through?: Quite a few of the ones I own

Is there a lot of drama in your life right now?: Not really any in my personal life, no.

Do you have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)?: I don’t

Have you ever set off a fire alarm at school?: No.

Do you like raviolis?: They’re alright

Do you have a silly side?: Of course

Were you obsessed with those bead/jewelry making kits when you were younger?: No.

What’s one show that you wish was still on the air?: Old cartoon shows

What’s something you’re looking forward to?: The next few months

Are you optimistic or pessimistic?: I find myself to be more pessimistic

Did you ever play with side-walk chalk?: Yes.

Are there any fast-food restaurants that you hate?: Yeah.

Are you a picky eater?: Not really

Do you like the band Rise Against?: They’re alright

Who’s the hottest guy and hottest girl out there?: This beautiful person right here. :)

Are you stubborn?: Yes.

What’s your favorite song at the moment?: I have many favorites, but here’s one. Angel by Judas Priest. <3

Do you live your life to the fullest?: I try to at times

Have you ever questioned your sexuality?: Yes

What’s the worst thing you’ve ever been called?: I don't know.

Have you ever burnt your ear with a straightener/curling iron?: Ugh, yes.

Are you any good at the game Rockband?: I don’t play games like that

What’s your favorite board game?: I don’t play them enough to have one

Do you believe that sometimes life is unfair?: It can be.

Or do you believe that that unfairness is justified?: It's inevitable.

Do you have a hard time with making new friends?: Yeah, I do. Mostly because of my shyness and insecurities

What’s your favorite kind of doughnut?: Powdered ones

What’s the most important quality in the opposite or preferred sex?: Good personality pretty much

Have you ever used a port-a-potty?: Yes.

What’s your favorite ride at the fair?: Carousel, roller coaster, bumper cars, ferris wheel

When was the last time someone gave you a piggy-back ride?: Couldn’t even tell you

Have you ever been onstage in front of a lot of people?: Yes

What was the last stinky thing you smelled?: I don’t know

Are you more of a girly girl or a tomboy?: A bit of both

What’s something you’re craving right now?: Nothing.

Have you ever been on a boat? Yes.

Have you ever been camping?: Yes

What’s your favorite outdoor activity?: Walking, going on the swings, swimming.

Do you ever shop at Hot Topic?: Yes

Do you ever trip over your pets?: Ugh, yes. Fuzzball gets under my feet a lot

Do you have any Christmas lights up on your house?: No.

Do you watch Spongebob Squarepants?: No

Are you currently in a relationship?: No

Is your foot asleep?: No.

What did you last look in the fridge for?: Butter

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