#I remember when my friend died people online were accusing his wife of doing it
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now that I'm done imagining a jar of peanut butter, can I just say that I love that Shane and Ryan have shifted away from traditional true crime to just shootin' the shit about weird-ass mysteries?
I always liked the "let's talk about weird mysteries" aspect of buzzfeed unsolved, but being real with you, I'm uncomfortable with true crime and the culture surrounding it. like... as someone who lost a loved one to a violent (and temporarily unsolved) crime, I've seen firsthand how internet theorizing can make a traumatizing time even harder and like. it's fucking rough, man.
I get that it makes money and all (which... is a whole other can of worms) but when you view human suffering as entertainment, it's so easy to forget about the real people who will actually be affected by what's put out there on the internet.
so I'm happy that Shane and Ryan seem to be leaning a lot more into "wow, some unhinged shit happened! how fucked up is that?" on mystery files. more of this, please!!
#watcher#mystery files#also like... anyone can make money off true crime if they're charismatic enough#which means that often those narratives end up mirroring real-life prejudices#I remember when my friend died people online were accusing his wife of doing it#solely because she was an immigrant#people kept talking about her shady accent and how she probably married him for his money and to get a green card or whatever#and how her wording was sometimes confusing so she must be lying#what money??? number one#she was ESL number two#but also this woman literally watched her husband bleed out and people all over the world were accusing her of murdering him#they figured out what happened later (shocker she was telling the truth the whole time) but it was so heartbreaking to watch#I hate that people feel entitled to the worst moments of strangers' lives y'know?#and to make MONEY off that...#bruh if someone ever tries to fucking make money off my murder while putting on makeup or whatever#I will haunt the fuck out of them#I don't even know if I believe in curses but I'll find a fucking way
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What the fuck has lily orchard done thigh?
I’ve kept hearing she did things like this:
Do you think Lily Orchard pretending to be someone else, using that persona to try to pressure that person into sending them nudes, having her other persona tell someone 'you're making Lily suicidal', etc. (that whole drama saga is TL;DR I can't fit into one ask) is something people should still hold against her?
And more and I just have to know, what the hell has she done? Eva use this only seems like the tips of the iceberg
OH BOY, where do I start?
Well, that message you are quoting refer specifically to Tara Callie. Who is Tara Callie and what that has to do with Lily Orchard? A long time ago, before Lily came out as trans, she made up this fake girlfriend named Tara, that had a whole backstory about how she had a romantic relationship with her younger sister that died during a snowstorm by trying to reunite with her and also raped some homophobic girl until that girl accepted being a lesbian. Tara also supposedly had sex with dogs, if I remember correctly.
This Tara person would frequently talk with this other person, that since then I think doesn’t want to get involved with the whole issue, so let’s call her B. B was friends with Lily and Tara. Tara was the instrument through which Lily gain access to nudes from B (by being accepted into a very small group of queer women) and Lily guilt tripped B more than once into performing sexual acts or engaging on sexual roleplaying for Lily’s pleasure, despite how uncomfortable B felt about the whole thing. B was a lesbian and Lily was still presenting as masculine at the time, so use another woman’s encouragement was the only way to get her to comply. B didn’t felt attracted to Lily on that way at all so even after Lily came out as trans, so Tara was still useful.
This continued on for a long while until Lily realized that B wasn’t going to play WoW with her as she wanted because of not having the right equipment, so Lily just ended the friendship with B, leaving her hurt and confused. Great fucking reason to just abandon a friend
But Tara was still around for some time more until Lily suddenly said that Tara had died and everyone close to Lily cried for her. Then Tara came back. Then Lily told everyone that she had been arrested for possesion of CSEM (and obviously Lily had nothing to do with that). Then Tara came back. And then I think she died or something, but if you ask Lily about her she will deny ever knowing any Tara or will say that she was a violently abusive person that she is glad to get rid of.
Now, how do we know that Tara was a sockpuppet of Lily? Besides the fact that they talk the same way about the same topics, the fact that the father of Lily came out saying that he has never seeing any Tara while Lily was living on his house, there was other red flags such as:
-Her profile picture literally just being a random picture you could find in google.
-The online activity of Tara still being active even after supposedly being send to prison.
-All the online activity of Tara revolving around Lily’s online presence. And I mean everything, from defending Lily in arguments, editing pages for her (again, even after being send to prison), speak for her, about her, without having any other social media, hobby or anything at all that wasn’t about or included Lily.,
-Lily is infamous now for creating sockpuppets account to try to circunvent blocking or fight her own battles whenever someone either tries to bring her past up or disagrees with her. You can usually tell because Lily is actually very lazy setting them up: they are going to be newer accounts with either no images on the profile and header, or the most generic ones possible, with literally no other purpose than to send asks, reblog from Lily or otherwise defend her.
But that is not all, my dear anon! Because this was shitty, right? Very shitty and questionable and horrible. But then Lily pulled a similar shit at least two other more time with different people in different ways.
With an artist, Lily would pay them extra on each comission in order to recieve bestiality porn that the artist was incredibly uncomfortable doing but had to because, you know, money equals food and all. When this artist finally said enough and told what happened, Lily, who before was all too happy to defend said artist, now turned around and said they were a junkie alcoholic liar that nobody can trust because you can’t trust addicts when they talk about being abused, can you?
Then her ex wife, Lizzy Orchard, who at this point have been villified by Lily and her audience to hell and back for at least a year, harassed so horribly that she had to get out of tumblr, told her story on twitter about how Lily would manipulate her into, again, either accepting things Lizzy didn’t want to accept sexually or drawing sexual material for her despite how uncomfortable that made her. Since then Lily has tried to spin to tale to make it Lizzy’s fault for not making clear she didn’t want that, for saying that she was fine when she wasn’t (you just have to love that victim blaming language, I swear, this is almost textbook example), but also accusing Lizzy of being the actual sexual predator who lies to cover herself up.
One story would have been bad. Two stories is... eeeeh, this is reaaally not a good look on you, maybe consider step away and reflect or something. But three all different people telling a similar thing? On different time periods? Having different relationships with Lily but all being manipulated for the same purposes? Yeah, not. This is the doing of someone who knows exactly what she is doing and will do it again the moment she thinks she can get away with it. That is a predator.
So yeah, until Lily properly adresses and apoligizes for ALL of this bullshit, until she does some fucking serious accountability, which I don’t see happening any time soon, people have every right to still hold it against her, especially when Lily is STILL shittalking those people to this day.
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You're doing NaNo?! Can you tell us anything about what you'll be doing???
SPOILERS FOR SANJUNO’S NANO 2020 PROJECT
No Evil Abolishing Resentment System
Transmigrator!Madara meets Reincarnator!Tobirama (… 55 times in a row.)
For NaNoWriMo 2020 – How Many AUs Can I Fit In One Fic?
· 0 Tails Interlude
o Meet Sanzan-han
o Introduction to System driven Quick-Transmigration isekai plot
o “The seeds of evil are as follows, to hear of evil and take no action against it, to see evil and take no action against it, to speak of evil and take no action against it.”
o “To do nothing in the face of evil is not a neutral act.”
o “The only thing required for evil to flourish is for good people to do nothing.”
· 1st World:
o Crystal Nuclei Zombie Apocalypse with Ability Users and levelling up AU
o Politician!Madara ended up being shoved into a zombie tide by people who thought he was too strong/disliked him before the apocalypse
o Scientist!Tobirama really regrets not preventing that when Zombie Emperor Madara breaks through the city walls and kills everyone in Konoha Base
o Reborn!Tobirama is determined to complete the vaccine he was working on in his first life – also keep Madara alive so he can’t become a super zombie
§ Tobirama would like to say he is surprised by Madara’s competency in zombie annihilation but he remembers how terrifying Zombie King Madara was so he really isn’t shocked that Empowered Human Madara is just as much the living embodiment of Nightmare Fuel
o Madara as evolved Zombie catnip with a mouthy pet fish
§ Madara is absolutely disgusted by the Z-poc Virus undead they are gross, rotting, and go squelchwhen he hits them.
§ Some zombie bits get stuck in Madara’s hair. He has a screaming tantrum and promptly sets the entire horde on fire.
§ Pro-tip: Career politicians should avoid indulging in a crying fit over getting their precious beautiful hair dirty during a fight if they want to be taken seriously by their military escort even if they areso hilariously OP they can indulge in whiny hysterics and not die horribly as a result
o The Zombies are Zetsu
o Oh look Madara’s blood has the key component to creating the zombie vaccine who would have thought
o There is so much angry sex for stress relief, just… so much
o
· 1 Tail Interlude
o Madara is pissed off that he accidently ended up in a relationship with Tobirama
o Madara wants a refund on this System
o Sanzan-han explains the fine print of “No Evils Abolishing Resentment System” – the Target must have resentment both towards Madara and from Madara
o Madara’s first world was intended to lock his target
o Switching targets will result in a full reset of his karma to level 1 – no cheating by using his previous incarnations accumulated points to get a head start any more
o Madara’s only other valid targets approaching Tobirama’s stats were Hashirama and Mito
o Madara could target someone else but without the heavy accumulation of karma like the Senju-Uchiha bloodfeud situation it would take thousands of lifetimes to accrue 10 tails
o Madara is so mad ^_^
· 2nd World
o Japanese Classic Fable AU
o Crane Wife!Madara being Tsundere with his husband
o Madara is accused of theft and Scholar!Tobirama is convinced to spy on his wife’s weaving
o Madara gets caught ripping out feathers to weave into silks that are sold to pay for Tobirama’s exams
o Madara flies away and is shot down by hunters
o Reborn!Tobirama who is more than a little obsessed with making sure his wife doesn’t have a reason to fly off again
o Madara doesn’t really understand why Tobirama is trying to prevent him from doing anything productive this is weird
o Zetsu is a corrupted monk trying to capture Madara for his feathers/demon core
· 3rd World
o Galactic Empire Mecha Pilots with psychic powers and enhanced bodies versus the Zerg Horde
o Arranged Marriages for the noble class occur based on genetic advantages rather than affection
o Ace Pilot/Mecha Engineer!Tobirama pays less than zero attention to his nominal spouse and heir in favour of developing weapons to fight against the Zerg
o SSS Ace Pilot!Madara resigned to being ignored by spouse, makes friends with in-laws for sheer spite
o Madara framed for sabotage – dies holding off a Zerg swarm
o Science child!Kagami killed by kidnappers
o Reborn!Tobirama pays better attention to his spouse and child while fighting to end the Zerg threat
o The Zerg are Zetsu
o Madara rolls his eyes and sets the Zerg Queen (Kaguya) on fire – Tobirama confused and aroused by his spouse
· 2 Tails Interlude
o Madara wants to know if he’s going to be required to save the world every single time he’s due to earn a new tail
o Sanzan-han: Sources say “probably”
o Madara would question the heavy-handed implication that Zetsu was just using him but he’s still super pissed off about being trapped in a cave for 50 years and then possessed by a demon goddess thing so he’s more than willing the blame Zetsu for all the horrible things that happened
· 4th World
o Japanese Mythical Creature AU
o Kitsune!Madara saves the life of War General/Prince!Tobirama from Yin poisoning
o There’s a snowstorm and Madara has to warm Tobirama up
o Madara is a Calamitous Beauty and killed by cultists who wanted his demon core
o Reborn!Tobirama is doing his best to take responsibility
o Zetsu is the cultists who poisoned Tobirama and killed Madara
o Madara is super pissed off but the shrine and the garden Tobirama builds for him are really nice so maybe he won’t claw the pasty bastard’s face off
· 5th World
o Super Heroes and Villains in a Megamind AU
o Pyromaniacal Villain!Madara “Moon Eye” is obviously an alien and the arch nemesis of the city’s most beloved Hero, Treeman
o Aquatic Hero “Flying Thunder”!Tobirama’s civilian-marine biologist ID keeps getting kidnapped
o Reborn!Tobirama needs to keep Madara sane and honestly that’s easier than it sounds because Madara gets adorably flustered when given sincere compliments and is hilariously easy to distract with questions about his obviously-also-alien pet fish
o #I accidently started dating my brother’s arch nemesis #what do I do? #waiting online for answers
o Sanzan-han is Minion and really likes the exo-suit
o Zetsu is an evil shadow organization trying to take control of the heroes for world domination reasons
o Madara has an invisible Susanoo and as ridiculous as this world can be he’s having fun in it
o “PRESENTATION!”
· 6th World
o Immortal Cultivators AU
o Borderline-demonic/Unorthodox Sect Leader!Madara is getting chased around by Righteous Sect Inner Disciple!Tobirama because Madara keeps nabbing all the good secret treasures that Tobirama needs to prevent the demon realm from breaking free and invading
o Reborn!Tobirama realizes in hindsight that Original Goods!Madara was also trying to prevent the Demon Realm invasion because the Righteous Sects didn’t listen to his initial warnings
o Tobirama eventually pins Madara down as his Dao companion to get access to the booty loot Madara has collected/protect Madara from being targeted by unscrupulous treasure hunters
o The demons/demonic spirits are Zetsu
o Madara is playing whack-a-Zetsu and doesn’t have time for Tobirama’s nonsense
· 3 Tails Interlude
o Sanzan-han praises Madara for his top-notch seduction skillz
o Madara is So Done with this stupid godsdamned fish
o Sanzan-han mentions but doesn’t explain that the accumulation of “affection points” will start having a notable effect on Tobirama soon – so gambatte, Mada-sama!
o Madara tries to ignore the constant hooking up in favour of plotting new ways to kill Zetsu – seeing as the creature is the only thing he can kill in the Other-Worlds without losing the “ExP” that will allow his return home
· 7th World
o Geode Betting Modern AU
o Carver!Madara is a picky spoiled artiste who got blamed for ruining Tobirama’s family
o Reborn-with-Treasure-Senses Appraiser!Tobirama is determined to “get revenge in advance” on Madara only to realize what a dork Madara is
o Tobirama frantically backs off on his face-slapping plot only to overcompensate his way into dating a crazy artist
o #oops
o Zetsu are the yakuza involved in rigging the Geode betting
o Madara is confused by the lack of open warfare but thinks this is a nice vacation
· 8th World
o Greek Monsters AU
o Gorgon!Madara has the strongest stone-gaze in History
o Heroic Demigod!Tobirama arrives to take off Madara’s head for prophecy reasons
o Tobirama’s Quest ends in tragedy – turns out ghosts/guardians of the Underworld don’t turn to stone so Tobirama can’t bring his little brothers out using Madara’s decapitated head
o Madara is hiding from Reborn!Tobirama because he wants to keep in head on his neck, fuckdammit and accidently interrupts the murder of Kawarama and Itama via even more accidental kidnapping
o Tobirama just wants to apologize for overreacting to a very ambiguously worded prophecy that he self-fulfilled – Tobirama is really, really very sorry, really – also wtf give him back his baby brothers
o Zetsu is the Oracle of Kaguya who killed Tobirama’s little brothers and wanted Tobirama/Madara cursed/dead
· 9th World
o Sentinels and Guides are Known AU
o SSS Guide!Madara is 100% going to cut a bitch if these special fucking snowflake godsdamned Sentinels don’t piss off and leave him alone
o 6-sense Alpha Sentinel Prime!Tobirama does not want a Guide who will only slow him down with their coddling nature
o Tobirama rejects Madara/doesn’t acknowledge their nascent connection
o Reborn!Tobirama wakes up out of a zone – wakes up after pulling the Guide he recognized far too late as his own out of the depths of the bay – and promptly terrifies his entire family by going hyper-focused and borderline feral as he takes off to hunt down his Guide
o Tobirama’s Guide – his Guide who is still alive – still alive and not drowned
o Reborn!Tobirama has some lingering trauma to work through btw
o Madara terrifies so many people when he starts inducing hallucinations as a defense mechanism
o Zetsu are dark Sentinel cult masquerading as a shady government organization
· 10th World
o Classic D&D AU
o Harpy Queen!Madara is being plotted against
o Necromancer!Tobirama regrets killing Madara and keeping his soul in a jar when he finds out the truth
o Tobirama let’s Izuna “mete justice” – protip: Uchiha Harpies are actually Furies
o Reborn!Tobirama decides he quite enjoys being Madara’s concubine
o Madara lays an egg
o The Demon Gods trying to break loose and destroy all life get kicked back into the Underworld – insert Zetsu smiting here
o Hashirama is traumatized by his little brother’s loincloth
· 4 Tails Interlude
o Madara throws an epic tantrum over the egg-laying thing
o Sanzan-han doesn’t understand his deal but obligingly flees screaming in terror anyway
· 11th World
o Imperial Court AU
o Fire Priest!Madara is given as a “bride” to Imperial Prince Tobirama to remove Tobirama from the line of succession
o Tobirama considered a “holy child” by the Fire devotees due to his red eyes
o Tobirama realizes too late that his opinion of his “wife” was manipulated so that he wouldn’t be able to gather his full strength to compete with his enemies
o Reborn!Tobirama has goals to 1. Be gay, and; 2. Commit Treason
o Zetsu as the scheming Minister who is actually the bastard child of Empress Dowager Kaguya
o Madara turns the court upside down and shakes because he’s bored and vindictive
· 12th World
o Beastmen in Space AU
o The Tribes are even more stupidly competitive than shinobi Clans but have more space (lol) to spread out so they aren’t at full war with each other
o Snow Leopard!Madara has a female beast form as most Uchiha males do – Uchiha females tend to have male Beast Forms
o Uchiha Do Not switch forms in Public/on the Battlefield and also the Uchiha don’t gender the way the other Tribes do
o White Tiger!Tobirama only discovers this after the Uchiha are destroyed by hostile invasion of Borg-type enemies
o Zetsu are the Borg knockoffs
o Reborn!Tobirama starts courting Madara because rowr and peace happens because kittens – yay!
o Madara uses his carving skills to create power stones that allow High Level Beasts to control themselves
· 13th World
o Castlevania-esque Vampire AU
o Vampires and Humans share a world but live in different realities thanks to magic sub-dimensions
o Vampire Prince!Madara is lazy and hedonistic
o Vampire Prince!Tobirama is disdainful of Madara’s magpie brain
o Zetsu is the Religious extremist Vampire cult that realizes that Madara is the key to tearing down the veil and bleeds him dry to shatter the barrier separating the worlds and free the first vampire Kaguya
o Reborn!Tobirama absolutely refuses to allow the Veil to get torn down again so he gets stupidly “devoted and jealous” over his previously despised betrothed
o Madara is rather offended that the blood drinking is sexy and also that Tobirama is a tasty snack
· 14th World
o Merfolk AU
o Devil Firefish Mer!Madara always knew that the merfolk from the deeper waters would only visit the Volcanic Reef to mate and leave, especially the sharks – but he had still wanted to hope for something more…
o Great White Mer!Tobirama only ever left the Kelp Forest to guard his more hormone driven kin when the pod headed to shallower waters to spawn and let the fry gather strength in the protection of the cove before heading back home
o Tangling with the pretty, poisonous leader of the Uchiha pod was a mistake that could be entirely blamed on his brother’s tendency to overindulge in urchin-spines and share his vices with every mer in the vicinity
o Someone (see: Zetsu) fucks up and pisses off the Ocean
o Seaquakes and the resulting tsunami’s drive all the mer to the deepest-water cities to wait out the disasters
o Madara gets eaten by a giant kraken while defending the fry – Tobirama arrives just in time to see Madara and their son get torn in half
o Reborn!Tobirama courts Madara properly and the Uchiha pod moves into the sea-caves because the coral as too fragile for Tobirama’s peace of mind
o Zetsu are creepy seaweed/anglerfish things
· 15th World
o Virtual Reality Game AU
o Code-writer!Tobirama develops Kenjutsu Mania Online in an attempt to revive his comatose little brothers
o Overworked Detective!Madara gets suckered into the VR game with his little brothers
o Crazy Person (Kaguya) traps all the players in a death game – as you do
o Tobirama gets exposed as a game designer and PK’d
o Reborn!Tobirama parties with Madara and gets married for the ExP bonus
o Zetsu are a computer virus AI like Agent Smith
o Madara uses IRL weapon skills to break the game and his character build before he smashes the Crazy Person open like an overripe melon
o All the little brothers wake up
· 5 Tails Interlude
o Sanzan-han is very proud! Mada-sama is halfway there!
o Madara is throwing a huge fit over giving birth in 2 out of 5 worlds
o But Mada-sama, the massive amount of affection points!
o Fuck your affection points!
o That’s the spirit, Mada-sama!
· 16th World
o Modern Wizards AU
o Dragon Keeper!Madara trips over poachers/dark wizards who kidnapped Ancient Runes Master!Tobirama for evil-ritual-sacrifice purposes
o They accidently end up in a Marriage Bond
o Tobirama suspects Madara of being a Dark Wizard
o Madara is framed and executed – only for the real culprit to be exposed a few months later
o The real culprit is Kaguya and Zetsu natch
o Tobirama explodes a Time Turner
o Reborn!Tobirama drags his new spouse Dark Wizard hunting
o Couple Therapy for dumb Wizards go
· 17th World
o ID Porn in a Miraculous AU
o Masked Hero Phoenix is consistently pursued and wooed by his partner in crime fighting, Dragon
o PoliSci TA!Madara has a raging brain crush on Bio-Chem Doctorate Student!Tobirama
o An ill-advised insult/rejection causes Phoenix to darken and self-destruct
o A grief-stricken Dragon “teleports” his mind back in time
o Madara is so confused by Tobirama and his new stalker tendencies
o Kaguya is RabbitMoth and Zetsu are the Akuma
· 18th World
o Really Cheap Silmarillion Knockoff AU
o Spell-Singer!Madara is driven mad by an Oath that was forced on him by a Messenger done Dark
o Kaguya as the evil god and Zetsu as her evil Messenger
o Forger!Tobirama doesn’t pay attention to extenuating circumstances until it’s too late and the bodies are buried
o The World goes to shit for 3 ages because Tobirama’s shinies are the shiniest
o Reborn!Tobirama devotes himself to fucking over Zetsu’s evil schemes and making pretty baubles for Madara
o The fact that Madara’s new hairpin can level a mountain range is incidental and has nothing to do with Tobirama’s paranoia
o An ancient mystery re. parentage is solved when Madara sings Kagami into being right on schedule – Tobirama is delighted to assist this time
· 19th World
o Steampunk AU a la FF flavour
o Enemy Nation!Madara is the Prince/General who goes crazy due to infection from alien viral lifeform
o HoL Companion!Tobirama as a Prince of the protag Nation who are prophesized to save the world from Calamity
o World goes to shit
o Zetsu is the Scourge and Kaguya is Jenova/the Accursed
o Tobirama is too impatient to wait out the “time-skip”
o Reborn!Tobirama sneaks into the enemy stronghold – finds pre-infection!Madara imprisoned with tiny clone-child Kagami and steals them both
o Cue roadtrip shenanigans as both sides try to track them down
o Madara gets to one-man-army the forces of evil – Tobirama is very impressed
· 20th World
o Demon Hunter AU
o Incubus!Madara has a “food allergy” and has been stuck at the physical age of 13 being fed energy by his family members for the last 200 years
o Functionally Ace Demon Hunter!Tobirama pegs Madara for a sex demon on sight because the lust whammy is legit the most distracting thing to ever happen to him and that incubus looks like a child ew
o Tobirama sets a trap for Madara and is mean about it because he doesn’t appreciate the second-hand bad-touch feelings – trigger warning: allusions to non-con gangbang
o Madara kills the “bait” and Tobirama bursts into the room
o Tobirama sees adult!Madara in the aftermath of the carnage and is horrified to recognize his soulmate
o Madara proceeds to vomit blood and dies at Tobirama’s feet – the allergy is no joke
o Tobirama learns about Madara’s “allergy” from revenge rampage Izuna – recognizes that Izuna is Touka’s soulmate and doesn’t fight back
o Tobirama regrets so hard he magics his soul back in time to the day he first saw Madara
o The most awkward dating adventure begins
o Zetsu are the actually evil demons who eat people for real – and not in the fun way Uchiha do
· 21st World
o Gods AU
o Ocean Kami!Tobirama realizes too late that he loved Volcano!Kami Madara and was unable to rescue him from the Underworld – that trick never works
o Reborn!Tobirama starts bringing Madara tributes, averts the Twilight of the Gods via shameless debauchery, and accidently builds a tropical island honeymoon palace to spoil Madara in
o Zetsu are the evil servants of the “god-eating Titan” Kaguya
· 6 Tails Interlude
o Lots of Madara screaming about how the Powers That Be are far too fucking obsessed with seeing Madara get railed
o Sanzan-han goes no-duh, most lifeforms devote about 99% of their spare life energy towards reproductive efforts
o Madara is very grumpy about being a SSS Class Ninja Nightmare reduced to pillow-book wish-fulfillment fantasy fodder
· 22nd World
o Noodle Dragon AU
o Dragon King of the Northern Ocean!Tobirama and Quetzalcoatl!Madara courting shenanigans
o OTL!Tobirama fucked up and led Hunters (Zetsu) to OTL!Madara’s nest and they stole his heart for black magic doomsday ritual
o Madara ended up a stone statue curled around the shattered remains of his first egg
o Reborn!Tobirama is determined to be a properly attentive mate
o Madara is resigned to laying eggs again
· 23rd World
o GoT-knockoff Medieval AU
o Madara gets burned at the stake as a witch, doesn’t die, and then gets torn apart by a terrified mob
o Northern Lord!Tobirama realizes that he done fucked up and needs Madara to beat the evil ice zombies
o Reborn!Tobirama starts wooing an extremely cranky pyro-prince while trying to give the Uchiha Crown Prince more positive PR with the peasantry to avoid another riot
o Zetsu are the Others, Kaguya as the Night Queen
· 24th World
o ‘Taur AU – Tribal Setting
o Leopard-Taur!Madara lives high up in the Mountains
o Tiger-Taur!Tobirama is poisoned and delirious during a fated encounter – he doesn’t learn what happened or who saved him until after both prides are mostly destroyed
o Reborn!Tobirama manages to avoid delirium induced amnesia and starts stalking Madara with the intent to make love not war
o Zetsu are corrupted from using radioactive/poisonous Power Stones to boost strength, Kaguya is actually parasite queen
· 25th World
o Exorcists and Ghosts AU
o Cursed Ghost!Madara lingers in the courtyard he called home while he was alive
o Kagami wanders in during the ghost hour and Madara shoves him into a cabinet to protect him
o Exorcist!Tobirama finds out that Madara was still protecting Kagami from the devil spirits – not haunting him – only after the devils grow stronger and get free after ghost!Madara is destroyed
o Reborn!Tobirama needs to figure out a way to woo his past incarnation’s very justifiably angry murdered consort before Madara denies Tobirama visitation rights
o Zetsu are devil spirits who cursed Madara to death, Kaguya wants to consume Kagami for power
· 26th World
o Midsummer Night’s Dream AU
o Fairy Prince!Tobirama gets dosed with love potion
o Meets Dark Forest King!Madara
o Falls in potion induced love – which gets Tobirama invested enough to forget his previous prejudices and fall in True Love
o Then Madara dies
o Reborn!Tobirama is now immune to Love Potions because he is in True Love with Madara – fuck you, cheating bastard traitors to the Fairy Crown
o Tobirama runs off into the Dark Forest to snag himself a Goblin King (and break Hashirama out of Love Potion induced insanity, natch)
o Zetsu as the dirtbag fiancée, Kaguya as the dark fairy trying to take over both kingdoms
· 27th World
o Naga AU
o Banded Sea Kriat!Tobirama tangles with in-heat Black Hooded Tiger Snake!Madara and doesn’t realize until later that the whole situation was a bloodmage trap
o Zetsu are the bloodmages
o Tobirama finds Madara’s still bleeding skinned body a few weeks after they tangle – manages to get Madara’s skin and their still-curing egg back from the hunting team
o Tobirama tries to save their egg and fails – it was taken from Madara too soon
o Tobirama hunts down the bloodmage and dies in killing them
o Reborn!Tobirama gives Madara proper aftercare – notes the bloody wound from the unwanted heat inducing potion – and hauls Madara back to his den for proper nesting
· 28th World
o Magical Knight AU
o Storm Knight!Tobirama damages Evil General!Madara’s control seal during the battle of the week
o Tobirama then runs into amnesiac in civilian ID Madara after the fight and goes on a date
o Tobirama still end up killing Madara when the brainwashing is reapplied – prolonged death scene reveals that Madara was mind-controlled not committing betrayal
o Reborn!Tobirama puts significantly more effort into ensuring that the control seal is completely removed from “General Indra”
o Madara helps defeat the Ancient Evil while wearing leather booty shorts
o Kaguya as Mettalia, Zetsu as the Youma
· 7 Tails Interlude
o Forget about the indignity of being Tobirama’s go-to baby incubator – Madara is absolutely flipping his shit over the booty shorts
o Sanzan-han thought they were quite flattering on you, Mada-sama!
· 29th World
o Blood Magic AU
o Demon Lord!Madara gets honeytrapped by Blood Mage!Tobirama and stabbed from behind by Hashirama
o Tobirama turns Madara’s body into a scrying gem to steal his powers and secrets
o Snooping through Madara’s memories of their courtship lets Tobirama discover that Madara’s “evil plot” was a baby Kagami now cold in his cradle
o Reborn!Tobirama is doing everything in his power to keep his family from finding out about Madara because the Senju’s whole “thing” is demon hunting and stealing their magic
o Kaguya as the creepy Ancestor of the Senju clan who started the demon killing habit, Zetsu as the twisted remains of Senju elders who cursed themselves due to magic addiction
· 30th World
o Phantom Thief AU
o Kaito!Tobirama has to watch as his dear Detective!Madara gets gunned down by the Black Organization
o Reborn!Tobirama first tries to send Madara away for his own safety – has a control freak panic attack when he can’t see Madara
o Tobirama proceeds to go full disclosure overcompensation trying to keep Madara safe
o Madara is a Sigh and steals all nine bijuu tama while Tobirama is sorting himself out
o … Tobirama would like to know when his dear Detective learned to pick locks but before that there is a very serious problem that has arisen in Tobirama’s pants that needs to be dealt with because that was the smoothest heist Tobirama has ever borne witness to holy shit
o Zetsu as the Black Organization looking for the magic gem Kaguya
· 31st World
o Transformers AU
o Decepticon!Madara is Sunspot and Autobot!Tobirama is Whitespace
o The Great War happens – Kaguya-as-Unicron wakes up and eats most of the planet and population
o “That’s no moon.”
o Whitespace yeets his spark back in time and attempts to if not stop then at least delay the start of the Great War
o Reborn!Whitespace ends up pair-bonding with Sunspot to rob the Decepticons of their Air Commander
o A 3rd faction forms separate from the High Council versus Violent Terrorist Extremists options
· 32nd World
o Beauty and the Beast meets Hanahaki Tragedy AU
o Imprisoned Guest!Tobirama heads home for The Visit and stays away too long – not longer than he promised, but Beast!Madara was days away from suffocation
o Tobirama comes back to a silent castle and finds Madara on his bed surrounded by blood and the flowers that had burst out from under his skin
o Reborn!Tobirama is determined to break the curse – Madara is just really tired and in pain
o What kind of fucking sadist curses a kid with roses growing inside their body – Madara was 13 when this shit started and his body knows it
o True Loves Kiss ensues (and also Itama and Kawarama beat the shit out of Zetsu for cursing their new brother in law)
· 33rd World
o ABO ElfQuest-ish AU
o Alpha!Tobirama thinks he was tricked into marriage hunting Omega!Madara as part of a plot against the Senju Kingdom – everyone knows that you can’t trust Dark Elves
o Tobirama finds out too late that there are evil forces on the loose that only the Uchiha are aware of – that’s why the Dark Elves are called Dark Elves, because they hunt evil in the dark
o Madara is caught and left mutilated for Tobirama to come across just as he made up his mind to treat his mate better
o Reborn!Tobirama misses his cue from the original setup – but he still finds Madara hiding in a waterfall cave because fuck no, no more fucking fucking
o Spoiler: Madara gets fucked good and hard
o Tobirama and Madara go demon hunting together
o Zetsu are the Madkin demons created by Kaguya’s twisted flesh-shaping
· 34th World
o Wonderland AU
o Evil Dictatorship ruling family Uchiha Clan are actually held captive by their Palace – it’s a seal keeping a demon asleep and powered by the Uchiha who live inside the castle – the Uchiha don’t actually do much ruling, the Council of Elders is where the majority of the corruption is
o Revolutionary!Tobirama kidnaps Crown Prince of Hearts!Madara during the siege to “free” Wonderland which lets the demon loose so Tobirama is forced to marry Madara and have kids quick due to being responsible for the plan that killed off 99% of the Uchiha
o Also people born with red eyes get married to the Uchiha in the Kingdom of Hearts – those with red eyes have hearts that cannot be fooled or controlled (meaning they’re able to see through the demon’s tricks)
o Reborn!Tobirama has just enough time to alter his plan for the attack on the Palace of Hearts – then he walks in on the turncoat guards who gave the Revolution entry to the Palace making comments about sexually assaulting Madara
o Tobirama bursts in before Madara can break their skulls and “saves” his future husband
o Most of the Uchiha survive this time – only the Elders get killed
o Tobirama marries Madara again and gets to work on revamping the bad laws
o Zetsu is the Jabberwocky
· 35th World
o Werewolf Fighting Ring AU
o Alpha Werewolf!Tobirama was unwillingly mated to Alpha Werewolf!Madara when he was caught and held prisoner by slave traffickers
o Tobirama rejects Madara once they’re free of the arena but makes sure to “payback” Madara for his “humiliation” first
o Madara had been given heat drugs the entire time and didn’t remember what Tobirama resented him for
o Madara ends up dying from mate-loss
o Tobirama is focused on bringing down the slavery ring and doesn’t know Madara died – until Hashirama sends him a letter about how his mate “didn’t make it through the birth” and asking him to get back for the funeral
o Tobirama finally slows down – reads the file on Madara he has been ignoring since he found it – and breaks
o Reborn!Tobirama is focused on treating Madara as a proper mate while also getting revenge on the Slavers
o Madara is going to rip out so many throats out over being pregnant again
o Zetsu as the warlocks running the slave rings to feed Kaguya power
· 36th World
o Star Wars AU
o By-the-Code Jedi!Tobirama tends to bisect all the “darksiders” he runs into – kills Izuna during a mission
o Madara does full dark-side rage and Empress Kaguya takes over
o Zetsu as the Darkside clone army
o Reborn!Tobirama is a lot less saber-happy and has learned that the Uchiha are not dark – more wild/grey
o Ends up Force Bonded to Madara to bring Balance
· 8 Tails Interlude
o Madara has a screaming breakdown to the tune of “why fucking Tobirama?!?!?!”
o Sanzan-han is like “He resented you the most? Duh? No Evil Abolishing Resentment System?”
o Madara tries his best to fry the stupid gods-be-damned-twice fish
· 37th World
o Sex Slave Soulmate AU
o War-Mage!Tobirama uses borderline-forbidden magic to make Kagami – shatters his soulmate link to do so, which is what makes the magic unpopular but not illegal as nobody is actually “harmed” by the spell
o Note: Kagami is now the living embodiment of the link
o Kagami finds Courtesan!Madara in a high-end brothel that is a front for nobles to buy magically bound sex-slaves – this is actually super forbidden magic, btw
o Tobirama saves Madara and the other enslaved thralls while rescuing Kagami
o Madara had enough magic to fight against the enchantment and managed to get Kagami out of the brothel – that’s how Tobirama knew where to attack
o No follow through after the rescue – Madara and the others are left under the enslavement seals
o Madara ends up assaulted/dead/silenced by the nobles who used to patronize the brothel and slave market
o Reborn!Tobirama moves faster and has already figured out how to break the enslavement curse – gets to the brothel before Madara manages to get Kagami out again
o Mexican standoff ensues – Tobirama rescues his soulmate and kid
o Madara gets freed from the curse
o Courting ensues when their soulmark repairs when they touch after the curse is broken
o Kaguya as the evil mage who was using the brothels as a power source, Zetsu as her simulacrum servants
· 38th World
o Mythos AU
o Dragon!Tobirama is married to Phoenix!Madara and resents it
o Madara has bad PR and Tobirama listens to rumours so he ignores Madara as much as he can
o Civil War erupts – Madara hides Kagami when their Palace is attacked and is a distraction
o Tobirama finds his spouse ritually violated to steal his “fire”
o Reborn!Tobirama is a much more enthusiastic spouse and realizes that Madara is a fluffy sap
o Zetsu as the invading horde of magic thieves
· 39th World
o Angels AU
o Angel!Tobirama is “tempted” by Fallen!Madara
o Tobirama kills Madara and kicks off a new War In Heaven
o Regret hits when Tobirama finds Kagami’s body after Danzo kills him… in an exact mirror of how Tobirama tricked Madara
o Reborn!Tobirama decides to “prove” that Madara is “evil” before killing him this time to keep the War from happening again
o Tobirama gets his nose rubbed in Madara’s ability to love his family
o Zetsu as actual demons who are trying to kill off both Angels and Fallen
· 40th World
o Fae Marriage Hunt AU
o Winter Fae!Tobirama was a petty bastard and resisted his betrothal to the point a Marriage Hunt was the only option
o Skinchanger!Madara wins the Hunt
o The peace between the High Court and the Wild Hunt collapses after Madara is killed during a diplomatic meeting
o Reborn!Tobirama decides to play along/use his “marriage” to make the peace permanent
o Tobirama gets his misconceptions challenged when Madara rides his cooperative “willing” bride into the ground
o Kaguya as an evil Fairy Queen with Zetsu as her Greymalkin
· 41st World
o The Mummy AU
o Archeologist!Tobirama accidently triggers mummy!Madara’s awakening and the crazy demon cultists take advantage
o Madara lets Tobirama kill him rather than let the cultists sacrifice Tobirama
o Tobirama gets an info dump on Madara’s trauma
o Reborn!Tobirama uses the evil cult to resurrect Madara properly and woos the ancient shogun like a boss
o Kaguya as even more ancient evil Mummy and Zetsu as obsessed cultists
· 42nd World
o Labyrinth AU
o Adventurer!Tobirama keeps meeting a mysterious “king” in his dreams – King of the Labyrinth!Madara keeps a veil over his head and his hands covered by extra-long fluttery sleeves
o Tobirama has to beat the Labyrinth to rescue his little brothers
o Paranoid Tobirama gets tricked into betraying Madara by goblin Zetsu – the Labyrinth collapses
o Tobirama’s little brothers are killed along with all the other kidnapped children – the energy from their deaths and the destruction of the Labyrinth is used to fuel the resurrection of a Demon God Kaguya
o Tobirama dies taking his revenge after learning the full story
o Reborn!Tobirama is much more willing to “dance” with Madara now that he knows Madara is as much or more a prisoner than the stolen children
o Madara was used as a lure – his fingers bound in wire and his eyes sewn shut – but they miscalculated because Madara was still the King and wouldn’t let anyone who can’t complete his Labyrinth reach the children
o Tobirama completes the Labyrinth… after he frees Madara
o Yay romantic dance sequences
· 43rd World
o Four Kings AU
o Byakko!Tobirama gets trapped in a blood-and-wine seal
o Suzaku!Madara runs afoul of Tobirama’s enemies, kills them all in a rage, and trips into Tobirama’s trap with him
o Violent coitus ensues
o Madara breaks the seal once the trap’s power has been exhausted and runs away
o Tobirama wakes up with a blank memory as a result of the seal
o Madara lays an egg – Kagami hatches
o Zetsu as Minions of the God-Eater Kaguya catch Madara while he’s weak and sacrifice him thinking he still contains the combined essence of Byakko and Suzaku
o Hey but actually Madara’s power was at a low ebb because he spent it all on Kagami so no resurrections for you, stupid doomsday cult
o Tobirama rescues Kagami – baby bird begs the tiger to save his mama – is too late
o Reborn!Tobirama gets to watch his past!self deflower the avatar of Suzaku and oh shit that means Kagami is my son? Tobirama is a scream
o Time to gather the Four Kings and destroy a Demon Cult! Mito is Seiryuu and Hashirama is Genbu.
· 44th World
o Warprize Ger AU
o Imperial Prince!Tobirama is given as a consort to Ger Emperor Madara as part of a Senju plot
o Tobirama is unaware that his attendants are using him to poison Madara but is super pissed at his father for giving him away as a treaty gift
o Madara dies birthing Kagami but reveals to Tobirama that he was glad to marry him – Kagami is worth it and Tobirama was the only man to ever give Madara flowers
o Kagami learns that it was a Senju plot that killed his mother and hates Tobirama for his part in it
o War erupts between the Uchiha Empire and the Senju Kingdom again and destroys both countries
o Reborn!Tobirama decides to overturn all his father’s plan and dotes on his Imperial Spouse – so manyflowers are given
o Madara is an amazing Emperor and newly crowned Emperor Hashirama is super thrilled to have such peaceful relations with his neighbour thanks to Tobirama’s beautiful love story
· 45th World
o Buddy-cop StarTrek Federation AU
o Senju-With-Tentacles, Psychic!Uchiha-With-Horns
o PHEREMONE MARKERS~!!
o Zetsu are the Borg
o Kagami is a Tube Baby
· 9 Tails Interlude
o Madara is freaking the fuck out the last set of worlds were uniquely traumatizing – especially the Labyrinth one
· 46th World
o Loveless AU
o Sacrifice!Madara has learned to fight on auto – the first Sacrifice to figure out how to do so, and he doesn’t stop fighting even when his Fighter shows up
o Fighter!Tobirama never wanted a Sacrifice because he didn’t want them to get hurt and he sees Madara acting as a Fighter so he doesn’t believe that Madara is a Sacrifice
o The name of their Bond is Devotion
o Madara gets targeted by a swarm of Dr. Kaguya’s fake-bonded Zetsu
o Tobirama finds Madara’s body in Kaguya’s lab and uncovers the Bond too late to save his Sacrifice
o Reborn!Tobirama is hyper overprotective and Madara trounces his Fighter’s ass up and down the street until he feels better about living in a reality with a world-wide virginity fetish
· 47th World
o Witch Madara and Magical Creature Tobirama
o Tobirama is cursed into a human form
o Tricked into thinking that he has to kill Madara/a Witch to get the curse broken?
o It was all a lie
o Tobirama twisting the curse to go back in time instead of dying
o Madara is too gods-be-damned-again tired for this nonsense
o
· 48th World
o Stargate AU
o Head Scientist of the Expedition Tobirama
o Leader of the surviving “Ancients” Madara
· 49th World
o Welcome to Nightvale AU
o Tobirama, the Scientist
o Madara, the Sherriff of the Secret Police
o
· 50th World
o BDSM AU
o Tobirama IDS as a Switch but he’s service oriented non-dynamic instead
o Madara thinks toys/scenes are silly – demi-romantic/grey-ace Madara rides again
o Tobirama has cultural dissonance meeting a “Dom” who likes being the one fucked
· 51st World
o TRON?
· 52nd World
o Tyrant CEO/Entertainment Circle
· 53rd World
o From another world AU
o Tobirama drops into Fantasy Land from a Modern-ish Naruto World
o Madara as the Villainous Noble who was “jealous” of Tobirama’s magic power
· 54th World
o Last Unicorn AU
o Madara is the Kirin
o Tobirama as a Wizard who likes Science more
· 55th World
o Dragon Raja AU
· 10 Tails Interlude
o Sanzan-han reveals why they were helping Madara – and fade to black
· Return to the Warring Clans Era
o Canon is About to Be Diverted
o Madara is back on the battlefield where Izuna died
o Promptly summons Sanzan-han to stop this fucking bullshit – Sanzan-han has ascended and become a massive dragon so yeah the battle is definitely over now
o Tobirama appears to be having a migraine – whoops looks like the arrival of Sanzan-han has started the data-dump of all Tobirama’s System-generated memories into canon!Tobirama
o Peace and Konoha happen
· Epilogue/Extras
o Tobirama has Suspicions regarding his shiny new memories – especially because he remembers seeing that fish. Everywhere. All the time. Stupid fish.
o Everyone is very confused by how fast Tobirama and Madara get over the war and hook up but yay peace? Also Madara and Tobirama somehow make a baby and everyone is too busy trying to figure out how that works to complain anymore.
o
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#Sanjuno's ficwork#NEARS#No Evil Abolishing Resentment System#MadaTobi#TobiMada#Pray for me friends this is how I die#Transmigrator meets Reincarnator#In which Sanjuno gets to be pretentious about how her MC hooking up with the ML is required for plot larger purposes than mere romance#NaNoWriMo 2020
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Whelp, HWERP, dumped Pumpkin. It's kinda a good feeling. ("taking a break is DUMPING")
I'm WAY too upset about DEAD HUSBAND, AND DEAD BABY, to really be dating right now.
Pumpkin's a good man, we'll stay friends as long as he doesn't get weird or possessive on me, but I don't like dating CIA, and his ASS DOES NOT HIDE IT AT ALL. (he has not said that he's cia, he's just a bitch, and acts like any other guy I've dated who took WAY TOO LONG TO TELL ME ABOUT WHAT THEY DO.)
Like, I don't care if you're a cop or not if you're just a "friend", but if you're treating yourself so badly you'll drink 80proof vodka in front of my "I NEED TO DRINK MYSELF TO DEATH ASS", so you can have a seizure so bad in front of me, that you have to physically GRAB ME NOT TO GO DOWN, please remember A SEIZURE IS HOW HOWARD DIED NEXT TO ME, AND WHAT SCARED ME SO BAD, I LOST OUR BABY. I DON'T WANT TO HEAR "I'M BEING A DORK, CHILL".
Like if I needed a bitch under me, I'd marry a woman.
CIA always treats me bad tho. Same with Lawyers and Judges; he's gonna be a bitch.
50 dollar 4/4 fiddles at Walmart tho! I think they're just online, but you can make love to a girl without fucking her, and Pumpkin is not good at that.
50 dollar 4/4 fiddles at Walmart.
Pumpkin has tried at being a spiritual leader, all we did was wrestle the whole time spiritually, and spiritually try to accuse me of being like his abusive ex wife, and try to correct me for things I don't do. Beat him down for that, but now I'm beating his spirit off of mine and it's just nasty.
Boi, if I don't love you, I won't even check out YOUR ass. I'm not exactly browsing over here.
I'm actually not into women. I'm just so aro/ace you cannot tell. CAUSE I AM NOT INTO MEN. (It's exclusively ASS and CHARACTER.) ((And I don't look at the first one without the second.))
Walmart made more promises for the future than telling me you're INTO FLANNEL AND TRY TO QUIETLY WEAR YOUR KINK EVERYDAY, WANT KIDS WHILE I TELL YOU NO, OPENLY, VOCALLY PLAN FOR SEX BEING PART OF OUR FUTURE WHEN I TOLD YOU NO, AND YOU DO THAT FREAKY MURDERER-THING OF CLEANING YOUR NAILS 24/7 SO YOU DON'T LEAVE DNA ON THE OTHER PERSON IF YOU SCRATCH THEM, BECAUSE IT MIMICS A DEFENSE-INFLICTED WOUND DURING YOU BEING ATTACKED, AND IN A COURT THEY MIGHT ASSUME YOU WERE DRUGGED FOR REAL WHEN YOU LIE, SO THEY'LL LET YOU GO.
LIKE I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING; CRAZY PEOPLE DO THAT.
FUCK YOU.
50 dollar fiddles at Walmart makes me groan harder than any guy could going down on me.
I want to be Nikola Tesla and just not date what I attract.
Then go pursue science.
I feel WAY MORE LOVED from a fiddle being handed to me than sticking around to find out WHAT THAT FREAKY SMELL OF CROTCHROT LOOKS LIKE; CAUSE YOU SMELL LIKE CARMEN AND THE TWO FAKE LESBIANS HERE (GUYS TRYING TO FUCK LESBIANS WHO WENT FOR EACH OTHER.), AND THEY ALL ARE DOING HEROIN AND HAVE ACTIVE HIV. IT'S NASTY. I KNOW WHEN THEY COME IN FROM THE SMELL; LIKE WHAT DO YOU DO?
YOU DON'T BATHE.
YOU'RE NOT HOT.
YOU STILL ALMOST CAUGHT ME WITH THE MORNING HUG THING, WHEN YOU'RE HERE; YOU'RE NEVER HERE, YOU'RE WORKING YOURSELF TO DEATH AT FIVE JOBS.
Also got reminded most women here are actually men, and I'm still attracted to dirty voices.
Didn't wanna hear that penny djgangle sound, or the groaning, did not beat it off to you, still had to fix what happened earlier anyway cause I had a nightmare boner and all is bad here, sorry stranger, that was RIGHT AFTER YOU LEFT.
I'd say this to that guy's face if I knew him tho.
Sorry pal, I respect you, sorry I heard that, all it did was make me parrot-angry Pumpkin's voice grates my ears.
NEVER GONNA WANNA HEAR THAT GROAN,
.......just saying.
OR SEE THE CROTCHROT.
......50 dollar 4/4 fiddles at Walmart.
FUCK YEAH
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So I’m curious as to how Alison is with Five in your Responsible Luther AU. Has she had Claire? And does interacting with a younger Five prevent her from rumoring her daughter or is that still the same? And is she as maternal towards a younger brother since she herself is younger? I just absolutely love this entire AU!
(responsible luther au posts: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven)
Claire exists! I headcanon her as being about six during canon because that allows her the four years that Luther knew of her existence plus some extra years because I didn’t think she was four in that flashback at all SO because the responsible luther au takes place four years before canon…
Claire is in her terrible twos!! Allison is married and Exhausted and is now in contact with the squad a la skype/facetime, partially because Five absolutely insists and partially because Allison feels lowkey guilty about cutting everyone out of her life when she left home
the main difference between canon and au here is that Allison has a support network
She gets on skype and can vent and complain and ask for advice in a way that she can’t ask anyone else because her siblings know her, know her circumstances, and most importantly know her powers
I sincerely doubt that Allison confided in Patrick (their marriage had issues) and I doubt she breathed a word about her child soldier childhood with her actress friends and Allison was so very desperate to put it all behind, to be normal, that she was a ticking time bomb waiting to go off. She felt like a failure constantly because she couldn’t handle an infant child, a job that is stressful for the best of people, and she didn’t know how to ask for help or advice and what knowledge she had to draw upon of disciplining a child made rumoring sound like a merciful option tbh
but the point is that Allison gets online and calls up the family and she has people who understand that her first reaction to most things is a violent one because violence was drilled into her bones, into their bones
so when Allison complains, the squad understand and are willing to brainstorm solutions that don’t involve violence OR rumoring, because Allison would absolutely admit her desperation or admit to rumoring her daughter into not crying or silencing a tantrum and all that, and, most importantly, she has people who would tell her no while understanding why she would jump to it
there’s no judgement (well only a tiny bit) but she’s talking with the people who remember her rumoring them to do really stupid and petty shit when they were kids. Diego still has the scar on his arm after the incident where Allison’s magazines went mysteriously missing that no one speaks about since Allison still gets that slightly crazy look in her eyes when it’s brought up (it was actually Klaus’s fault but Diego will deny it to his grave due to a very particular piece of blackmail between the duo)
Luther and Allison get close because Luther’s basically raising Five right now so they both compare notes on child rearing. Like yeah, there’s some differences but actually Allison’s advice on how to help your child sleep all the way through the night/soothe them back to sleep is alarmingly applicable with a traumatized Five who frequently wakes up not knowing where he is and thinking he’s either back in the apocalypse or locked up in their childhood home. And Luther’s advice on how to deal with a picky eater is pretty applicable to baby Claire, though admittedly Five’s wariness of certain foods which spoil quickly is fairly justified (Five still accuses raspberries of going moldy overnight which I mean. Luther can’t exactly argue with because he takes his eyes off the fridge for two seconds and suddenly the berries are fuzzy)
Klaus is somehow?? A baby whisperer? Small children absolutely ADORE him (Diego says it’s because he’s a child himself and Klaus always shoots back about being young at heart) so Claire can be a sobbing mess and Allison will facetime Klaus and then suddenly Claire is cooing at the phone and babbling about her latest imaginative story she made up while Klaus offers up critiques and suggestions for even cooler ideas and characters while Allison is gently irritated that Klaus can get Claire to stop crying faster than she can (but then again she’s also just relieved)
Patrick also chats with the whole squad now that Allison is actually back in contact with the family. Him and Klaus get along well, Patrick laughs at Klaus’s jokes and comments, though Patrick has already solemnly informed them all that if it comes down to it he’s legally obligated to take his wife’s side in every argument which they all respect
Allison IS maternal towards Five, but I mean,,, all of them are protective over their smallest and youngest sibling even though Five rolls his eyes and bristles under it half the time. Five survived the apocalypse! He survived thirteen years under Reginald’s regime! Honestly Five’s mood towards his siblings general being-older-ness is somewhat mercurial - sometimes he’s perfectly fine with it and even seeks it out and other times he absolutely rejects it and gets as prickly as a hedgehog
but for the most part Five is the one prodding everyone to call Allison and being absolutely draconian about everyone sitting down for family time because so help him god he spent months trying to get back here after finding his family’s dead bodies and dealing with THAT he’s very insistent on keeping an eye of everyone’s whereabouts and health (especially Vanya’s because he never did find her body)
honestly talking to Five actually helps Allison with Claire a lot because Five literally tells Allison to ask Claire things. Why is she crying? What upset her? Why did that thing upset up? What can be done to make it not be upsetting?
Claire adores Five because he takes her very seriously whenever he chats with her. He asks her very seriously about the status of some of her stuffed animals while she giggles into her hands. Five is willing to patiently wait while Claire introduces him to every single one of her toys, and he is also willing to memorize every single name given to him.
Allison gets therapy!! Mainly because Five is in therapy, and Luther is in therapy, and Klaus is in therapy, and Vanya is in therapy, and they’re all trying to convince Diego to also get therapy (he’s actually seeing someone but hasn’t told the rest of them because he likes being a difficult son of a bitch) and so everyone is gently confronting their child soldier childhood and the shit they went through so Allison gets to go to therapy as well
and Allison gets to learn some communication skills and is encouraged to talk with Patrick so their marriage doesn’t break down the way it does it canon (though I dunno I still think they probably get divorced but more of an amicable one)
Allison probably does fly down at some point, probably after a few gentle kidnapping attempts a la Reginald/Hazel/Cha-Cha who are after Five, leaving Claire in Patrick’s very capable hands (they facetime twice a day so that Allison can see Claire, though Claire is sulky the entire time because a, her mother is gone and b, SHE wanted to go visit all her cool uncles and aunt as well heck)
Allison, showing up: oh, oh no. i’m going to get everyone a new wardrobe what do you have my baby brother wearing?
Luther: j,,jeans? t-shirts? regular people clothes?
Allison: are these from walmart? don’t answer that. everyone is getting a new wardrobe consider it payback for all the missed birthdays and christmas gifts from when I, you know
Klaus: cut us out of your life like yesterday’s trash?
Luther: KLAUS
Klaus: hey man you can keep your grease monkey shirts to yourself I for one and THRILLED to go shopping on Allison’s dime
Five: can i get a hat? I had a hat in the apocalypse and i was fond of it
aww now I want to write a scene where Allison shows up but this is already getting to be a really long post hmm
is that going to stop me though?? probably not
So Allison arrives at the door with her bags after a long day at the airport (she’d told Patrick five times that you only had to be there three hours before for international flights but he could be such a worrywart) and knocks a quick ‘shave and a haircut’ tune just like she always did as a kid.
Immediately the door flies open and there’s a breathless looking Five who clearly jumped to the door to get their first and he’s got a smile on his face and yeah, she’s seen him through a screen with great frequency but it’s not the same as seeing him in person. Folding him into a hug is the easiest thing in the world. He’s so little, and skinny. Even skinnier than she remembered him being, and Five had always been a boney little shit with sharp elbows and a willingness to use them.
“I like your hair.” He tells her, hands fisted in the back of her shirt. He’s told her that about once a day since she let Claire pick out a color and she ended up with purple hair.
She looks up and meets Luther’s eye where he’s wiping his hands on a towel and making a face that says there is probably more to this love of her hair color than meets the eye.
(”He saw us dead.” Luther tells her, later, when the rest of the house is asleep on the couches while one of Allison’s movies plays softly. “Your hair… it wasn’t purple, when you died. It makes him feel safer. He shredded Klaus’s favorite coat right after he moved in as well, almost caused world war three.”
Allison presses her hand to her mouth, feeling tears gather at the corners of her eyes as she looks over her shoulder in the direction of the teen draped across Klaus with a dog drooling on them both. He looks so carefree and innocent in his sleep, it’s so easy to forget what he’s been through. What they’ve all been though.)
“Allison!” The cheerful greeting heralds the arrival of Klaus who stumbles out of the kitchen, mouth half full of a cookie. Freshly baked, from the smell wafting around the house. It’s easy for Klaus to brush past Luther and wrap his arms around both her and Five, swaying them side to side and making Allison giggle as he lays an exaggerated kiss on her cheek with a loud “Mwah!”
“Okay okay,” Allison says, prying both of them off of her so she can fully come in the door with her suitcase.
“Let me take that for you.” Luther says, coming forward and grabbing it out of her hands. He looks good, more relaxed that Allison has seen him in years. He reaches out to ruffle Five’s hair in an affectionate gesture familiar between the two, “And why don’t you go grab our sister a cookie before Klaus manages to eat them all.”
“You’re sleeping in Klaus’s room.” Five informs her, smile quirking his lips up. The reason for the mischief on his face is quickly explained by the outraged squawk that emerges from Klaus’s mouth.
“You can’t expect Allison to sleep on the couch.” Luther throws over his shoulder as he’s already heading deeper into the house.
“I’d be fine with the couch.” Allison shrugs, half because she actually was and half to stir up shit because that’s just what their family is like.
(It used to be if they weren’t in their rooms for bedtime, they would be locked out - because of course their rooms locked on the outside and not the inside, like in normal houses. Allison spent more than one night sleeping on the hardwood floor outside of her door, knowing that to be caught sleeping on one of the couches or other soft surfaces in the mansion was to invite further punishment.)
“We aren’t making our guest sleep on the couch!” Luther calls, out of sight.
“Diego sleeps on the couch!” Klaus hollers right back in outrage.
Five tugs on Allison’s arm, “Allison! Allison come on! You have to meet Mr. Pennycrumb.”
“I’ve already met him.” Allison informs her brother, because she has. Over the phone. Luther and Klaus are still yelling at one another, but it’s in a way that everyone knows that Klaus is going to end up sleeping on the couch.
“That doesn’t count.” Five insists, tugging on her arm again. Allison allows herself to be towed towards the kitchen where there is a half eaten tray of cookies on the counter, and a dog that looks like the very picture of patience laying in a dog bed in the corner. At their entrance, Mr. Pennycrumb raises his head and gives a few thumps of his tail but doesn’t get up until Five makes a ‘come on’ gesture with a hand.
Immediately the dog is at their feet, and Five’s hand is clamped around Allison’s wrist and offering her hand for said dog to sniff. “Mr. Pennycrumb,” He says, with great gravity, “This is my sister, Allison. Allison, this is Mr. Pennycrumb.”
“It’s very nice to meet you, Mr. Pennycrumb.” Allison says with equal gravity. Mr. Pennycrumb finishes sniffing her hand and immediately sits and puts one paw in her hand. Allison, never one to be caught off guard, gives it a firm shake. At least having a toddler prepared her for this - this exchange actually reminds her of introductions to some of her daughter’s stuffed animals. Though she is never going to inform Five of this fact.
Five, for his part, looks exceptionally pleased that the two of them are getting along.
There’s a new argument echoing through the house, which from a quick listen reveals that it’s because of the state of Klaus’s room. Which, thinking back to their childhood, Allison is not so surprised. Though it seems to be only about clothes on the floor, which is far neater than their youth where scorch marks were commonplace. Klaus had been quite the little pyromaniac.
“Where’s the rest of the motley crew?” Allison asks, straightening up and swiping a cookie from the tray on the counter. It’s still warm, with gooey chocolate. Allison doesn’t even hesitate to pick up two more. Self preservation, really.
“Ben’s probably with Klaus.” Five says, shrugging, apparently not even realizing that Allison is choking on her mouthful of cookie. No matter how many times she heard about their deceased brother being an active member of the family thanks to Klaus, it never got any more bizarre to her. “Diego should be here before midnight, maybe? He’s never on time for anything. And Vanya’s gonna swing by after practice but she can’t stay ‘cause she’s got a lesson with the Brat early in the morning.”
“The brat?” Allison asks, already amused.
“The brat.” Five confirms with a nod, “Vanya says she won’t tell me a name ‘cause of teacher-student privilege but she’s awful. Thinks she’s the next coming of - of - of whoever is a famous violinist except for Vanya I dunno.”
Allison elects to not inform her younger brother that teacher-student privilege isn’t actually a thing. It’s probably safer for whatever young girl happens to be both spoiled and have the luck of being taught music by Vanya Hargreeves.
“You know, you calling someone a brat is a little like the pot calling the kettle black.” Allison informs her brother with a smile, scrunching up her nose and pulling a face at him. He makes one right back, and it’s so familiar that it feels like she’s being punched in the chest for a moment.
She’s known that Five is back for months, that he’s alive for months, but it’s not the same as him being there. Solid and real. He’s skinnier, cheeks more hollow and eyes more haunted. His hair is a bit longer than she remembers, though reportedly not as long as it had been when Five had made it back.
They’d never been close, her and Five. Not like he’d been with Vanya, with Ben, with the kids lower on the totem pole than Allison had ever been. Oh, their father hadn’t liked her, but she’d completed every task he set before her with ruthless efficiency and she was rarely punished. Too good at gaming the system. She’d only ever been close with Luther, too busy to deal with the others on a regular basis. But there had been times regardless where they’d all been together, as a family.
Five had been a firecracker of a kid, always explosive where Allison preferred to skirt around the rules, bending but not breaking. They both liked the spotlight, though Five had never seemed to begrudge her for her own time shining. She’d thought he was such an arrogant brat, but he was still her brother.
It’s different now, seeing mischief light up his face. Back then she would have rolled her eyes, felt irritated, maybe even tried to rumor him into being quiet for once (though he’d gotten alarmingly good at telling when she was about to speak a rumor over the years, and gotten even better at jumping away before she could get a word out). Now though, now she just felt affectionate nostalgia. Maybe it was because she was older, she was an adult looking into the face of a child who she knew had never gotten a real childhood. It was almost a relief that Five’s spark had never managed to be stamped out.
“Hey,” Five interrupts her thoughts. He’s on the floor, rolling Mr. Pennycrumb’s head between his hands thoughtfully, “Can we watch your movies? I’ve seen a couple but Luther and Klaus are always super weird about it.”
Allison’s mind scrolls through some of her more risque movies with scenes that she would much rather none of her siblings ever witness, especially her thirteen-year-old sibling. Or thirteen-year-olds in general, truthfully. “Uh,” She starts, but is thankfully interrupted by Klaus gliding into the kitchen to sweep up three more of the cookies, pouting while he does so.
“I,” Klaus pauses, bringing a hand up to gesture dramatically, cookie still gripped and sprinkling crumbs, “Have graciously decided to allow you to use my room - ”
“Technically it’s my room.” Five interrupts.
“You gave it to me!” Klaus rebuffs. It sounds like this is an old argument between the two, “You can’t just take back a gift! That makes it my room! You’re such a little brat - ”
The argument continues and Allison eases herself back to lean against the counters and watch as her two brothers snipe back and forth at one another with a smile. It’s the kind of controlled chaos that she’s almost used to. She can’t help the smile across her face. Even though she misses Claire like nothing she’s ever felt, that hurt is soothed just a little bit by being around these losers again.
Despite everything, she missed them. All of them.
It’s good to be back.
#ask me#anonymous#tua#the umbrella academy#far tua long#responsible luther au#allison hargreeves#luther hargreeves#claire hargreeves#tua claire#patrick hargreeves#tua patrick#diego hargreeves#klaus hargreeves#five hargreeves#number five#ben hargreeves#vanya hargreeves
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What To Do To Get Your Ex Back Best Useful Tips
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How To Make My Ex Bf Jealous And Want Me Back
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How To Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back Using Reverse Psychology
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407. Two Donahue Hoaxes
My first memory of television talk show host Phil Donanue was around the time I started Kindergarten in 1988. My teacher, Ms. Walker was absolutely shocked that I could read. Which I guess it was rare for Kindergarteners to read in 1988? Someone help. Anyway, she asked my mom to watch an episode of Donahue about Child Geniuses, maybe? I don’t remember, I just remember bringing home a post it for mom to watch Donahue. I don’t remember her watching it. A few weeks later we began to learn math, and my genius days were over with.
Donahue looked like what I remember my dentist, Dr. Stall looking like when I was five. I still see Dr. Stall today and he still kinda looks like old Phil, sans glasses.
Oh, and the closing logo and jingle with the little “m” for “Multimedia”. I remember that from when I was little.
Later on, in middle school in 1994 or 1995, my sixth grade teacher Mr. Hankins who was mean as dirt would made us do busy work all morning long, including reading these incredibly dated readers from the 1980s, where we had to read an essay and answer questions about it.
The only essay I remember is one about how religious fanatics were passing out flyers that stated that someone from Proctor & Gamble came onto the Phil Donahue show in the early 1980s to announce that profits from the company went to the Church of Satan. 1 Also that the Proctor & Gamble “moon man” logo was a symbol for Satanism, and that the curls in the man’s beard were “666”’s. Below is an example of the flyer that was passed around:
2.
Thing is, nobody from Proctor & Gamble has ever been on Donahue. 1. The flyers flew around again in 1985, and P&G finally decided to give in an change the moon man logo in 1991. 2 6. I found one instance where Amway salespeople passed the flyers around (in 1995!) to convince buyers to buy their products instead. 3 4 A Washington Post article posted in 1991 mentioned morons people who still roamed the aisles of grocery stores, careful to not buy products from Proctor & Gamble.
The Rev. Jay Hurley walked down Aisle 12 of Food Lion in Hagerstown, Md., last week and reached for Cottonelle toilet paper instead of his usual brand. Buying White Cloud, he believed, would involve him in Devil worship.
"I didn't buy Folger's coffee either; I'm going to replace that brand with Nestle's," said Hurley, pastor of the Greenbrier Baptist Church in Boonsboro.
Hurley is one of thousands of Americans who continue to boycott Procter & Gamble products, convinced, beyond any measure of logic, that the corporation's president is in league with the Devil. Currently, fliers are circulating in rural Maryland, among other places, listing the allegedly damnable P&G products.
[…]
Hurley said an Army chaplain friend gave him a copy of the flier several weeks ago. He distributed copies to his 70-member congregation. A copy hangs on the church bulletin board just inside the door.
The flier, headlined "The Phil Donahue Show," states that on March 1, 1991, P&G's president appeared on "Donahue" and announced that he was "coming out of the closet" about his financial support for the Church of Satan. "He stated that a large portion of the profits from Proctor {sic} & Gamble products goes to the support of the church," the flier says. Then Donahue, it continues, asked the P&G president whether his ties with Satanism would hurt business.
"There are not enough Christians in the U.S. to make a difference," he's quoted as telling a nationwide television audience.
On March 1, 1991, no one representing P&G, let alone its president, appeared on "Donahue."
[…]
So many calls have flooded "Donahue" headquarters in New York that staffers set up a voice-mail answering system that advises, "If you are calling about Procter & Gamble, press 6 now. ... The president of Procter & Gamble has never ever appeared on the 'Donahue' show. If your family and friends say they've seen it, they are quite mistaken."So many calls have flooded "Donahue" headquarters in New York that staffers set up a voice-mail answering system that advises, "If you are calling about Procter & Gamble, press 6 now. ... The president of Procter & Gamble has never ever appeared on the 'Donahue' show. If your family and friends say they've seen it, they are quite mistaken." 5
In 2013, the moonman with a much sleeker beard reappeared quietly on Proctor & Gamble products. 6.
—
In January of 1985, Phil Donahue moved his show to 30 Rockefeller Plaza in New York City so he could be closer to his wife, actress Marlo Thomas. 8 On January 21, 1985, weeks after the move, several people in the audience fainted while he show was being filmed.
[source]
At first, it was speculated that people standing in line in sub zero temps and then entering a 70º studio made people pass out. (Just the thought of that makes me get a headache, I’m that jerk who runs her ac in the car during the winter because I’m ~sensitive~) After 40 minutes, Phil decided to ask the audience to leave, and he interviewed his guests (gay senior citizens) in an empty studio. 7.
About a month later, an actress, Deborah Harmon came to the New York media and said that the fainting was a hoax, created by master Hoaxer Alan Abel. 9 I had to look up who Abel was. Abel who died in 2018, created such hoaxes such as the Society for Indecency to Naked Animals, Citizens Against Breastfeeding, and a company that sold jars of Jenny McCarthy’s urine. 10 11 Abel orchestrated the hoax because he was protesting sensationalist tv. 12.
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1. Belkin, Lisa. “Procter & Gamble Fights Satan Story.” The New York Times, April 18, 1985, sec. Home & Garden. https://www.nytimes.com/1985/04/18/garden/procter-gamble-fights-satan-story.html.
2. Hendon, Donald W. Classic Failures in Product Marketing: Marketing Principles Violations and How to Avoid Them. New York: Quorum Books, 1989. 86-87.
3. DiFonzo, Nicholas. The Watercooler Effect: An Indispensable Guide to Understanding and Harnessing the Power of Rumors. New York: Avery, 2009. 168-169
4. “Procter & Gamble Wins $19 Million in Satanism Suit.” The New York Times, March 20, 2007, sec. Business. https://www.nytimes.com/2007/03/20/business/worldbusiness/20iht-satan.4966053.html.
5, Blumenfeld, Laura. “PROCTER GAMBLE’S DEVIL OF A PROBLEM.” Washington Post, July 15, 1991. https://archive.is/9pbBt
6. Stampler, Laura. “In Spite Of Old, False Satanist Accusations, P&G Put A Moon Back Into Its New Logo.” Business Insider. Accessed February 27, 2020. https://www.businessinsider.com/pg-puts-moon-in-new-logo-despite-satanist-accusations-2013-5.
7. Los Angeles Times. “7 in Audience of Donahue Show Faint--1 On-Camera,” January 21, 1985. https://www.latimes.com/archives/la-xpm-1985-01-21-mn-14194-story.html.
8. AP NEWS. “Phil Donahue Does First Show from New New York City Home.” Accessed February 27, 2020. https://apnews.com/c817c27eee2417e681eb1f0f048a9fe1
9. International, United Press. “DONAHUE SHOW HOAX DESCRIBED.” chicagotribune.com. Accessed February 27, 2020. https://www.chicagotribune.com/news/ct-xpm-1985-02-02-8501070060-story.html.
10. Fox, Margalit. “Alan Abel, Hoaxer Extraordinaire, Is (on Good Authority) Dead at 94.” The New York Times, September 17, 2018, sec. Obituaries. https://www.nytimes.com/2018/09/17/obituaries/alan-abel-dies.html.
11. E! Online. “Famous Hoaxster Gets Jenny McCarthy PO’d,” November 10, 1997. https://www.eonline.com/news/35474/famous-hoaxster-gets-jenny-mccarthy-po-d.
12. Hendley, Nate. The Big Con: Great Hoaxes, Frauds, Grifts, and Swindles in American History. Santa Barbara, California: ABC-CLIO, an imprint of ABC-CLIO, LLC, 2016.
#phil donahue#donahue#talk shows#1980s television#proctor & gamble#hoaxes#satanic panic#1980s#daytime tv
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mcnozzo + 8
Unexpected filling of old prompts is unexpected but this fic was stuck on my drive for a while. :) Thank you for being my enabler and giving me prompts :*
Also on A03. :)
“Wait, you’re still playing the game?” McGee suddenly asked, as always focusing on what was totally not the point of the story.
In fact, it was barely in the story at all and if it was not an absolutely crucial part of the introduction, Tony would have skipped it altogether. For the integrity of his tale, he powered through and vaguely mentioned in the beginning while skillfully and speedily making his way to the point which was: he had cool friends.
And not only the ones back from the day! Oh no! New ones. He was making new friends. Outside of the office! And they. were. cool.
Fair enough Eliot was, technically speaking, just one friend and yes, okay, so Tony did meet him via the stupid game he started playing in the first place to prank McGee, but he was still cool.
“Occasionally!” admitted Tony and McGee squinted at him. “When I’m bored!”
McGee kept giving him a suspicious look so he caved: “Okay, fine, it’s sort of fun and painfully addictive and I’ve indulged a bit more when I was stuck home with a twisted ankle, okay?”
Some people said that the way to hide a lie was to tie it up with enough of the truth. That was one way. The other was to tie it up with plenty of other lies and letting people think they caught you easily. Throw them a bone. Burry your actual lies under ten tons of other lies. No one cares to dig that deep.
Certainly not McGee who turned away with a self-satisfied smirk.
Probably because he never rejoined the game after the whole Claire fiasco. Not that Tony was checking, because he wasn’t.
“Anyway, you were telling us how you went for a date with a geeky boy you met through a game,” reminded Abbie and Ziva snorted into her coffee.
Tony glared at Abbie and her bright smile. Why was she even in the bullpen? Didn’t she have anything to do in the lab? Sure, they didn’t have a case on, but this story-telling time was planned to let everyone know Tony had a varied social circle and was doing fine. It did not account for the extra level of sass from the Queen of Darkness.
“His name is Eliot,” Ziva supplied. “And he’s not a geek, he’s a firefighter.”
Her tone suggested she was mocking Tony but he clicked his fingers, pointing at her, acknowledging her point and also the fact that at least she was listening.
“Exactly! Thank you, Ziva!”
McGee frowned. “You do realize she did not negate the fact that it was a date, right?”
“She sure didn’t!” agreed Abby fast. “So? How was your date?”
“It wasn’t a date!”
“Wait, you actually met him?” Tim suddenly jumped in.
“Yes, that’s what this story is all about. Keep up, Mcconfused. Ziva accused me of not having any friends, and I contradicted her by starting this thrilling tale that got highly derailed, about a cool new friend I recently made, whose name is Eliot and who is a firefighter. I admit the way we first spoke was pretty nerdy, but we both have pretty decent excuses of being injured and bored at the time, so I’ve decided to let it slide.”
“And when you met him he turned out to be a 13-year-old pimpled nerd?” Tim asked hopefully.
“No, McSpoilFun. He turned out to be a super cool guy and we’ve had a blast and we’re going out to watch a game at the bar this week because unlike some judgy Mossad ladies, I do have friends.”
“I do have -”
“A dead marine to see, as you all do. Grab your gear!”
They all rushed away, jumping to comply with Gibbs’ order.
The case took their minds away from Tony’s new cool friend for few days until it was a week later and Tony was bored out of his skull and decided to log into the game for a bit.
After their meeting last night he expected a message from Eliot - and he got one because he was not the one to be ignored - but he never expected his very own Elflord to chat him up the moment he logged in.
elflord: wow, you really do play this game, huh?
Tony considered not replying, letting his dignified silence be the answer enough, but decided it would only backfire in the end.
claire69: I’m bored, probie. and slightly hungover. what can I say?
elflord: Rough night?
claire69: Eliot can drink me under the table. it does make him cooler, but also more painful to hang out with. also, my team lost :(
elflord: You really met this guy? elflord: twice?
claire69: told you already, probie
elflord: It’s just hard for me to believe you would meet someone while playing an online game. You always claim how nerdy it is and how there are no redeeming qualities for people who play it and then suddenly this guy supposedly hanged all the stars as far you’re concerned!
Tony frowned. Probie sounded really pissed about that, blowing it way out of proportion. Tony felt he should probably stop the conversation or derail it entirely, but as always he just could never resist an opportunity to poke his probie. Especially not when he already somehow accidentally managed to get under Tim’s skin. It was a compulsion, really.
claire69: Well, probie, he is also a firefighter. I think that makes him cooler than the game makes him nerdier. It’s a careful balance you see.
elflord: I AM AN NCIS AGENT!
claire69: …claire69: Really, since when?
elflord: Fuck you, tony
claire69: LANGUAGE, McSweary! claire69: seriously, why you’re so mad? are you jealous or something?
A few times an icon of typing showed up but no actual words and Tony bit his lip. He probably overplayed it waaay too much. He really should have backed off quietly, cover it all with jokes so they could move on.
Or he could press the issue like the hopeful moron that he was.
claire69: Why are you so jealous, McGreen?
elflord: God you’re such a painelflord: I guess, it’s just so annoying that you only ever see me as the nerdy, uncool friend but are happy to dismiss all nerdy things about this guy for some reason.
/ claire69: He actually only played the game while stuck at home with a broken leg. His friend recommended it. He’s not nerdier than I am, Probie. / Tony deleted his answer.
/ claire69: I do not just see you as a nerd. I let you in further than any / he deleted the last word / than other friends and / he deleted it all.
Tony scratched his unshaved chin. This was getting potentially sticky. The “you might still joke your way out of here and they might pretend to buy it, but you’re not going back to easy friendship ever again” kind of sticky. Been there, done that. Usually not worth the bother.
Usually.
claire69: Well, I never went out on a date with you. ;)
He stood up suddenly, walking away from the computer. He used a smiley face! Still could be a joke! Totally a joke! Hahaha, us dating, how funny is it, McGee, huh? How funny?! Hahaha! Oh dear god, he was so screwed.
He grabbed a beer from the fridge, ignoring the fact that it was way too early to start on that. Special circumstances and all that shit.
He sat back heavily before his computer, anxiously checking the chat window.
elflord: *eyeroll* You didn’t go on a date with Eliot.
Tony took a gulp of the beer.
“Remember Red, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies,” he murmured, finding some comfort in a familiar game of finding the right movie quote even as his heart pounded nervously.
claire69: Nah, he’s painfully straight.
The pause was getting a bit long and Tony’s fingers took up the role of his usually rambling mouth.
claire69: Met his wife even. Kinda killed the mood.
He breathed carefully, drinking his beer and keeping his hands away from the keyboard. Stop digging your grave, DiNozzo, he thought firmly, it’s deep enough already. Suddenly he felt sick, the beer swishing unpleasantly in his empty stomach. He stood up slowly and made his way to the kitchen, pouring the beer into the sink and putting away the empty bottle. He pressed his forehead against the fridge and then thumped it a few times against the hard surface for a good measure. He was an absolute idiot.
He vaguely wondered if this will be the reason he will end up quitting NCIS. He already worked there way longer than he was usually able to stick with one jig. He was wondering what will finally make him crack. Until now his bet was more on getting a permanent brain damage from Gibbs’ headslaps than finally more openly flirting with McGee and creeping him the fuck out. Smooth, really smooth, he mocked himself. He should’ve saved himself some worry and just pass probie a note while in the bullpen “Hey, wanna break rule 12? Circle yes or no. xoxoxo, Tony.”
He dragged his feet back to the computer. From afar he saw Tim finally did reply and it was nothing really long. He sighed, sitting back and reading the message.
elflord: … Tony, would you go on a date with me?elflord: … Tony?
Tony realized he was grinning like a loon when the next, slightly lengthier message appeared.
elflord: Tony, I swear to god, if this is one of your pranks and you’re going to mock me for this, I will kill you. Abbie will help me. No one will find your body.
Tony chuckled and finally typed out his response.
claire69: Tonight at 7? claire69: I’ll pick you up. :*
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Headcanons: The Children of E Class
I wanted to keep all of my online presences as separate as possible, but the cat’s out of the bag now. I’m Professional Magical Girl on Fanfiction dot net, author of Great Teacher Nagisa, Fake Smiles, and some other miscellaneous AssClass fics. If you are here because of those fics, don’t ask about the url, it’s an inside joke between me and some old high school friends that just stuck. You can follow me if you want, but be warned that my posts are sporadic and generally about Evangelion.
Ah-hem. Anyway, I’m writing a long fic that involves my headcanons about the children of, you guessed it, E Class characters. So here is a master post of all of them. This is subject to be edited at any given time (I will inform my readers in an AN if any major changes have been made). If I don’t list a character here, I probably don’t headcanon them as having children. Or maybe I couldn’t come up with names for the kids yet. But ask away if you have questions about that. I’d prefer to be PM’d on FFN because I get emails for those, but using the ask/message feature on tumblr works too. You can call me Samantha, Professional Magical Girl, did-somebody-say-exorcism, or any variation of any of those.
And yes, I did get this idea from what TheRoseShadow21/Aki-chan2014 did with her headcanons for Ending the End Class. Yes, I did ask for her permission to do the same. Professional Magical Girl is many things, but disingenuous is not one of them.
The premise for Teenage Wasteland (read here: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12856407/1/Teenage-Wasteland ) is: Some of the children of former E Class end up in the assassination classroom as a result of time travel. In some cases they will replace their parents, in others they coexist beside them. Not all of these characters will time travel, I’m still debating where to cut the fat. The characters whose names are bolded will definitely be major characters.
Nagisa and Kayano
Backstory: All of Kayano/Akari’s pregnancies were unintentional and back-to-back, leaving her and Nagisa rather unprepared. In spite of their jobs, they were also the first of E Class to have children. Akari managed to hide the children’s existences for many years, often by portraying pregnant characters or by hiding behind countertops. Kayano/Akari, after retiring from show business, now only leaves the house in disguises. All three of the girls are very short and tiny.
Aguri Shiota- Nagisa and Kayano/Akari’s first child, and the viewpoint character and protagonist of Teenage Wasteland. She is very quiet and observant, and as such others seem to see her as dependable, even Kaito (see below) notes her admiringly. While normally an even-tempered person, she is prone to episodes of moodiness, especially after the time travel event. It was rumored that she was born in her mother’s dressing room between shooting scenes for a movie that would later win an Academy Award, but she herself doubts this. She is named after her late aunt (obviously). Very, very much a daddy’s girl. Birthday: June 26, 2024
Hotaru Shiota- Nagisa and Kayano’s middle daughter. She is sweet and bubbly and often plays the comic relief. Her sister describes her as ‘getting calmer the angrier she gets.’ This mood of hers is invoked in the event that she is lied too, which she cannot stand above all else. She also has the ability to hear what people are saying from a distance away, a talent that is made useful many times. Birthday: July 12, 2025
Fujiko Shiota- The youngest of the three girls. She has a severe illness that I will not yet identify (this is a plot point). All of her family is very protective of her. She has a room full of stuffed animals and aggressively sings showtunes at karaoke. She doesn’t feature prominently until the end of the fic. Birthday: June 16, 2026
Karma and Okuda
Madoka Tachibana (Akabane)- Okuda’s daughter from her first marriage, though Karma adopted her when they married and she calls him ‘Dad’. She has very little contact with her biological father and sees him twice a year at most. She is easily flustered and is usually the last one to get the joke. She is very close to her half-brother. Birthday: September 16, 2031
Hikaru Akabane- Prankster and musical theatre geek. He is usually the one to hatch some hairbrained scheme to get E Class to their goals at the moment, however mundane those goals may be. Birthday: March 1, 2034
Isogai
Koyo and Chiyo Isogai- Twins. They both have very jovial attitudes and are excellent students. Koyo is rumored to be the most attractive guy in the whole school. They have no enemies… That we know of. Birthday: February 14, 2031
Maehara
Backstory: Maehara, predictably, continued to be… himself throughout his young adult life. He was married to the mother of his oldest child, but after they divorced he went back to dating lots of different people, and was on again and off again with the mother of his two younger kids for years. He seems to still want to impress Okano, but suspects that she wants nothing to do with him.
Fumihiko Maehara- Athletic, popular, funny, but is seriously clueless when it comes to girls. Birthday: October 5, 2028
Hatsune Nakano- She gets on well with her older half-brother, not so much her younger full brother. She doesn’t seem to have the best opinion of her father either. Birthday: May 30, 2031
Shiori Nakano- Does not feature as a prominent character. I’m only listing him for posterity’s sake. Birthday: January 7, 2034
Kataoka
Takahiro Aruta- He is usually the one to take charge in any leadership role, and the rest of the class seems to trust him and feel at peace around him. Aguri describes him as ‘the protective type’. It is a running gag that cats love him and always flock towards him. Birthday: September 3, 2029
Kinoko Aruta- She is very sneaky and loves to eavesdrop and spy in places where she isn’t allowed to be. Aguri speculates that she “Has dirt on all of them”. She knows all the ins and outs of the main campus, some of which she claims she only knows because she bribed one of the five virtuosos (though this may be a joke). Birthday: October 12, 2031
Sugino
Kintaro Sugino- He and Nobuhiko’s mother left them, in the middle of the night to run away to Fukuoka. It was later uncovered that she was running from the law. Kintaro was five, just old enough to know he was abandoned, and according to Aguri, ‘never really got over that hurt’. They have not seen their mother since, and were raised by their father and stepmother. He is shown to be rather sensitive and gets saddened very easily, he will deadass steal the remote out of someone else’s hands to change the channel if that sad abused pet commercial comes on the tv. He has a crush on Fujiko. Birthday: September 28, 2028
Nobuhiko Sugino- Aguri describes him as being ‘very pure’, he seems to always have an optimistic outlook and doesn’t even remember his biological mother or feel any resentment towards her. He is a terrible judge of character, and is easily influenced by those around him. He seems to look up to Satoru (see below). Birthday: November 2, 2030
Minoru Sugino- Sugino’s son with his second wife. Freaking adorable, but probably will not time travel. Birthday: March 21, 2037
Kanzaki
Satsuki Kanou- The ‘straightforward’ one, usually playing the straight man to the shenanigans of the others. It is a running gag that she is very stingy with money and will attempt to cut corners wherever possible (for example, she suggests that the giant pudding be made with soymilk instead of regular milk, because soymilk was on sale). Birthday: May 15, 2029
Sayaka Kanou- Kanzaki’s younger daughter. Her sister fusses over her endlessly. Birthday: July 7, 2031
Chiba and Hayami
Satoru Chiba- Along with Satsuki, he is seen as the most level headed of the children, thought he is much less straightlaced than her. Kaguya (see below) has said of him that ‘he could be multiplied by 10 and I wouldn’t mind or notice’. By nature, he is very helpful and is especially kind to children and animals. Unfortunately for him, this is excessive to the point that he acts like a doormat and allows people to take advantage of him. Birthday: June 6, 2027
Midori Chiba- She's the sassy and sarcastic one, and gets in trouble frequently for dressing out of code. She always wears the same pink scarf, no matter what time of year it is. She cannot get along with Satsuki, who calls her ’difficult and argumentative’, while she accuses Satsuki of being ‘stuck-up’. Also a massive Daddy's girl. Birthday: August 2, 2029
Nakamura
Backstory here: Nakamura moved to Los Angeles after studying abroad in London, and just wound up never leaving. She married a well-to-do golf course manager, who is 100% behind her prank war on the local Home Owner’s Association. After 19 years of marriage and two kids, he left her for the girl across the street. She eventually marries Gakushuu Asano. When Karma heard of this, he literally almost died laughing because he thought it was a joke. (That does not happen yet during Teenage Wasteland, it’s just sort of an aside.)
Her kids were dropped into this timeline and location, with little skills in Japanese. This is a plot point on several occasions.
Liam Carmichael- Athlete. He is shown to be somewhat reserved and keeps the secrets of others well. He also has a good relationship with his mother, taking her advice to heart. He has a bromance with Satoru. Birthday: December 19, 2027
Jeffery Carmichael- Think of the Weasely twins, but one person. Aguri refers to him as having ‘corrupted’ Nobuhiko by teaching him dirty jokes. He has a crush on Midori. Birthday: October 26, 2029
Hazama
Minami Minnaoka- Her mother is stuck in a loveless marriage to a benefactor of the library she worked at. Minami observes this, and openly wishes that they would divorce. She mostly sticks to herself, but is shown to be friends with Kaguya. Kaito (see below) has described her as a ‘complicated wreck’. Birthday: November 1, 2030
Yoshida
Kaguya Yoshida- She is considerably droll and witty, which makes her admired by some and feared by others. Midori has affectionately dubbed her ‘The Queen’. Birthday: July 5, 2030
Hara
Tadaharu Konoda- Has severe chuunibyou. His current dream is to move to America and become an NFL star. Birthday: April 9, 2028
Fumiya Konoda- For reasons unknown, he has earned the nickname “barrel of monkeys”. Birthday: February 26, 2030
Okano
Kaito Suzuki- He frequently bickers with others (namely Minami), and is generally a bit of an asshole. Aguri speculates that this is because of his parents’ bitter divorce. Whatever the reason, he immediately drops his act around Aguri, as if he respects her. Is shockingly good at math, but not many other subjects. Birthday: November 28, 2029
Kurahashi
Chitose Mizushima- Her father is the mailman, and describes himself as ‘the best damn mailman in history’ (he also moonlights as an amateur musician). She is described as being breathtakingly beautiful, and has several admirers, including Satoru, Masahiro, and Nobuhiko. She is also tone-deaf (this is played for comedy). Birthday: August 6, 2028
Tarou Mizushima- Her beloved younger brother. It is a running gag that he will always try to help with something, but will usually end up unintentionally ruining it or screwing it up even more. A bit bumbling, but well meaning. Birthday: July 27, 2030
Kimura
I don’t have any headcanons for these two yet, just names and birthdays. It’s a work in progress.
Masahiro Kimura- Birthday: April 25, 2028
Haruki Kimura- Birthday: April 30, 2032
Fuwa
Kaworu Miyazawa- He was born through IVF, as his parents had been trying unsuccessfully for a child of many years. As such, he is treated as if he were very fragile, ‘as if he might break’ (according to Aguri’s description), which could not be further from the truth. Birthday: January 3, 2035
#assassination classroom#assclass#fanfiction#my fanfiction#assclass fanfiction#it's so late#i should be in bed but here I am doing this#headcanon#assclass headcanons
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Mormon Headcanons
Ok... So since I literally needed only one person to be interested in hearing my headcanons, I’m gonna post them! Thanks @bookofbway!
Alright... I’m gonna start with James Church, because he doesn’t get enough love.
THIS IS GONNA START OF REAL SAD.
James wasn’t originally a Mormon, since due to his upbringing, I seriously doubt his parents were Mormons.
His mum died when he was still young, (probably about 10) from something unrelated to his dad, a car accident or something. (I’m sorry!)
Afterwords, due to the shock of losing his wife, his dad went sober and tried to concentrate on bringing his son up right.
James never forgave his father for the way he treated him and his mother.
Mormon missionaries came knocking at their house one day, and James chose to convert as he found it comforting the idea that his mother had went to a better place and that in latter days he could spend eternity with her.
He also liked the idea of going on a mission to help others, and also liked the idea of being able to get away from his dad for 2 years.
James was a track runner at school, and although he was sporty, found his passion more in the arts.
He is an amazing sketch artist and enjoys writing short stories and poetry.
He’s more serious and sombre than the other Mormon’s in Ugnada, but tries to act cheerful and bright (and turn it off).
He really liked Chris, because he felt he could relate to him since Chris had lost his sister. (also Poptarts was extremely adorable.)
He has messy black hair, and wears large square framed glasses.
Is the tallest and strongest out of all the Missionaries in Uganda.
OK! Now for poptarts
Enjoys dancing as it’s his way of remembering and commemorating his sister.
Has an extreme fear of his friends and family dying on him.
Will never end a conversation on a negative note and always tries to say goodbye to his friends and family when leaving, just in case he never sees them again.
Loves everything sweet.
Poptarts was his sisters favourite food.
He has no formal dance training, but is quite good since his sister taught him how too (and then Mckinley afterwords)
He originally had a crush on his Mission Companion, Elder Mckinley, before he started to develop feelings for James Because James listened to him and understood his pain of loosing his sister rather than just telling him to turn it off. (Also James was hot af, and muscular and...)
He’s definitely the shortest and cutest of all the Elders
He has a Teddy bear that he took with him to Uganda, and will protect at all costs.
He loves looking at James art and reading his stories.
He is Bi (and no-one can tell me otherwise)
MCKINLEY!!!!!!
Ok so, Mckinley defintely is the eldest child with 2 younger sisters, so he knows how to be authoritative and control and lead people.
He took tap classes, literally right up to the time where he left for Uganda.
His sisters were somewhat jealous that Connor is a better dancer than them.
But his sisters also stood up for him to his arents and peers saying that pink is a perfectly normal colour for a boy to like and that they should break gender stereotypes and stop calling him gay. Connor appreciates them for this.
He was definitely bullied in year 5 for how close he was to his friend Steve and all through highschool people would accuse him of being gay.
He started dating a female friend of his, to try to make others believe that he was straight. The relationship didn’t last very long though.
He totally got all the lead roles in the school plays, and sometimes did performance is the Community theatre musicals.
He is an excellent singer and had also taken vocal lessons from a young age.
He was also a very strong leader within theatre groups he was part off and often organised mini performances around their community with them.
Connor may seem friendly and nice, but don’t ever cross him or undermine his authority, he will wring your neck.
He’s never seen a prettier Boy with more perfect hair than Elder Price.
It broke his heart to have to ditch Elder Price in Uganda and leave with Elder Cunningham and the other Elder’s, but since he was pushing down his emotions, and trying to be a good Mormon on his Mission it’s what he choose to do.
He cared more about making the other Elder’s happy, and creating a friendly community among them, than converting the Africans, thus why they literally had no baptisms.
As soon as they went off-grid with their mission, he immediately got a TV and gaming system installed withing their lodging to entertain the Elders.
Him and Poptarts crush at Just Dance.
He literally holds a karaoke night once a month at the Missionary.
He was actually very surprised (and pleased) to find out Elder Price was gay
Once he did come out completely, he was very open with his affections towards Kevin (which Kevin often got embarrased about)
Falsettos is totally his favourite musical. He especially loves Whizzer.
ALRIGHT! ARNOLD CUNNINGHAM
Always had the best imaginative writing at school.
Writes a ton of Fanfiction, and reads them too.
Has heaps of OC’s.
Bit of a loner at school too, never really had any friends.
Extremely popular online though.
Had a huge Tumblr following on his blogs about Star Wars, LOTR etc.
Has heaps of Fan theories too.
Totally Vlogs.
Cosplays as well. Goes to all the conventions.
Dreams of being able to go to San Diego Comic Con
He has Irlens Syndrome, which is one of the reasons why he didn’t read the Book of Mormon, becuase it was actually difficult for him to read it.
His father literally thinks of him as a freak due to all his obsessions and fanboying.
His mother dotes on him though and adores him for the person he is.
He always wants his fathers approval though, which is why he decided to go on a mission.
He genuinely wants to do good in the world and make others happy, and will do anything to help others, even if he doesn’t get anything from it.
He forces Kevin to Cosplay with him on Halloween. He goes as Han Solo and Kevin goes as Luke Skywalker.
He holds a halloween party and costume party in Uganda for all the Elders and Africans.
He also makes a Leia costume for Naba, which she loves, despite not really knowing too much about Star Wars.
All the Elders end up loving the little quirks about Arnold in the end, and have a great deal of Respect for him, since he’s so kind hearted.
He’s never been happier than he was in Uganda.
He still admires and loves Kevin after everything they went through.
AND FINALLY THE MOST PERFECT MAN ON EARTH (AND I WILL FIGHT PEOPLE OVER THIS) KEVIN PRICE. I literally love him so much though.
Kevin grew up in a really strict household.
He’s the second oldest of all his siblings, with an older sister and three younger brothers.
He always feels that he has to compete against his siblings to be seen as the best, and to do so, tried to do literally nothing wrong.
His favourite sibling is his Brother Jack, who is just a year younger than him, because Jack worships and admires Kevin and he rather likes that. He also still feels super guilty for blaming him for eating that donut
Him and all his siblings all took piano lesson.
Kevin is actually very good at piano, but not as good as his older sister, which always really bugged him because he wanted to be the best at everything.
Straight A student.
Literally had no time for relationships throughout school since he was too busy trying to make everyone like him, as well as being a good mormon, getting good grades, playing piano well.
Didn’t realise till he was in Uganda that he was gay.
He never really though about relationships, or had sexual thoughts till he was in Uganda since he was always so busy.
He had a very meticulously planned schedule.
He absolutely adores everything Disney and Pixar, loves happy endings and cries every time Mufasa dies.
His favourite Movie is actually Toy Story, since he finds Woody relatable.
Reads all Arnolds fanfictions. Feruses to admit that he actually enjoys them.
Actually loves and respects his best friend, Arnold, since he truly hasn’t ever had a true best friend before.
Sings disney songs during Mckinley’s Karaoke nights.
Everyone is shocked that Kevin can sing.
Kevin is shocked by his own singing voice.
He loves how touchy Mckinley is, but is a little embarrassed by it.
Absolutely adores Mckinley for everything he is.
Once he realised he was gay, was actually reasonably open about it, since he never really understood why it was bad withing mormonism anyway.
Takes hour long showers to make sure his hair is perfect
Loves dogs. Like really loves dogs
OK! SO THOSE ARE MY HEADCANONS ON THE ELDERS!
#mormon headcanons#Book of Mormon headcanons#Kevin Price is perfection and I will fight anyone over it#ELder PRice#ELder Cunningham#Elder Mckinley#Elder Poptarts#Elder Church#Connor Mckinley#Kevin Price#Arnold Cunningham#James Church#Chris Thomas#ELder Thomas#Book of Mormon Musical#Headcanons#Headcanon#Mcpriceley#Churchtarts#platonic pricingham
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Life Story Part 78
The neighbor dad next door liked to drink every night – often in packs of other men just like himself, in the back of his house. Sometimes these nights became violent. We could hear his kids crying, his wife drunkenly screaming for order while causing a fair bit of confusion herself. Once two men fell into our back yard and were grabbling and drunkenly trying to pin one another down in what they must have thought was a high end fight scene in the movie of their sad little lives.
The neighbor dad came over to our house one night and started accusing my brother David of stealing his shitty Coors Light beer. David was not stealing his beer at all of course. There was some other son of one of his friends that was eventually found to be the culprit, but this guy was adamant that it was David, threatening to shoot David if he saw him on his property, as if anyone with any self respect wanted to be seen on his shitty property. He eventually convinced the other men who were just like him in our town that David was coming onto his property to steal his missing beer, his most beloved drink, and they all took to calling David names as they drove by. If we were taking our nightly stroll, men would stumble out of the bar and accuse David of being a thief, and once in awhile they called David a 'dob'. We wondered for years what that might mean. It was all very weird. It seemed like from age thirteen on, other men wanted to fight David. I am not entirely sure why.
David signed up for football. I knew he didn't want to. The only reason he had signed up for football in the first place was because my father had been adamant about it for so many years and David didn't feel like he had the right to say no. It was something deeply personal to my father, some big momentous ordeal that had to be done. I think he felt that David had to live the life that he himself hadn't. He wanted David to become a strong football loving American white man – and not the strange hippie that my father had chosen to be at that same age. He wanted to live those wholesome boring American dream victories vicariously through David, perhaps to stave away the fact that he himself had never left the area he lived in, had two failed marriages, thirty-five failed online relationships, a failed business, a growing reliance on alcohol, and a wasted thirty-five years working at a factory who wanted him gone before he could receive the retirement he deserved.
I knew David didn't want to play sports anymore. Not even boxing really. I was sitting on the computer in the living room one night, as David was sleeping on the couch. David started talking in his sleep. He was panicking in his dream, stating over and over that he didn't want to play football. I looked over alarmed, and he had the look of someone who was drowning. A dream like that speaks volumes. David didn't want to go through with it, but he had already signed up. And it was eating him alive that he was doing this. He wanted to listen to music and collect albums, and read and challenge and critique everything he liked against the world. He had no interest in being brawny or masculine – at least not in the way my father wanted, and he hated everyone far too much to have any ambitions whatsoever. He felt completely outcast, and it happened at a young age all at once. It was harder for him than for me I think. I was born an outsider, and had ambitiously worked my way into a system anyway. I had that humility. David just woke up one day feeling like everything was a lie.
For two weeks David went to practice. His coach was that same foul disgusting man that I remember talking inappropriately about the teenage girls in my class and what he would like to do with them. He had talked about my best friend Ava and her weight. He was a loathsome hideous pretentious sick fucker with a whistle. I don't blame David for hating it. He went to practice for two weeks. They forced the boys to run around the field for a very long time, essentially going for miles or until the boys crumpled, at which point, the football coach would crouch over them and scream in their faces until they pulled themselves up and continued to run. David threw up several times. This didn't in an of itself stop him, but it would have stopped me. And then one day, David quit.
This caused my father to have some kind of meltdown. I remember sitting in the kitchen, and not knowing what had happened. I remember he was grimacing with fury and confusion, and leaning over the kitchen sink and then telling me to leave him alone – as if someone had just died. I thought getting upset because your son isn't going to be a small town football star was exceedingly lame. Later he blamed me almost entirely, as he had started to catch on that I had become a cold undermining force to him. His younger kids listened to me, not him. I guess there had been a fight, and David had said to my dad 'STOP TRYING TO LIVE THROUGH ME!'. Which did sound like a very 'me' thing to say, but it was all David. I think anyone around could see the dynamics for what they were. And if it was me, I feel very little sympathy. David's dream self was telling him not to play football, which to me means serious business. You don't fuck with dream stuff. It knows you in a way you don't. Plus, the world has too many 7th grade football players. It really does.
Of course, I wasn't happy with David either, but for different reasons. He went from being a sweet considerate person to being malicious towards Allison and I. It was getting harder to deal with, and I was trying not to hate him, but that resolve was breaking. I just couldn't go between two different realities, my brother as one of my best friends and my brother as someone who wanted to really hurt me. We ended up going up to my grandmother's house in my mother's van. My grandma was trying to get rid of her possessions. She had collected a lot over the years in her line of business. She couldn't sell things on eBay they way she used to. She was tired of packaging and shipping books. Plus, some weird asshole priest in town had taken it upon himself to see that the St. Vincent de Paul shut down – somehow in the complexity of the tax world this was going to financially benefit him personally. And that left my grandma out of work. So she was giving a lot of it away to my mother, who is almost a hoarder.
We drove up there, and a lot of it was work we couldn't really do. My uncle who remodels homes for a living, was also up there at my grandma's, remodeling a part of my grandma's house. It was kind of strange to see that room go. It was a special room full of crafts and beads. Different little tiny shelves went up to the ceiling, each one had a different kind of item inside. As a child I had been mesmerized and wanted to get into everything. He changed that room into something far more spacious – it's a better room ultimately, but for nostalgia reasons I will always miss the old room.
During our three or four day visit, we would sleep on the floor, and wake up early in the morning to the sun beaming down on us and to the snotty little noses of the Yorkies who excitedly sniffed us and licked our faces. On the second to last day of our visit, our uncle Rick wanted to take us rafting down the small river close to where my grandma lived. I was skeptical, as our last rafting trip had been pretty terrible with our father, but given that Rick had all the proper equipment and boats for all of us to use, and the fact that the water was manageably shallow – it wasn't some major north American river, just a forgettable small one, I eventually felt more optimistic.
My uncle Rick is an alcoholic/workaholic. He never had children, and he once told me this was intentional, as his alcoholism would destroy his kid's childhoods the way that my mother and her brother's childhood had been ruined by their own father. I don't particularly think my uncle Rick is all that great, but for some reason this answer was one of the most socially responsible and respectable answers I had ever heard come from someone in my family. It made sound sense to me.
Rick would work very rough jobs that gave him a lot of money and that took up most of his time. He was very anal about his work, and if you were trying to help him but weren't, he would shoo you away in a hostile fashion. After a job well done he would take that money and buy alcohol with it, get into insane fights, wreck his cars and get massive DUI's which cost him just about all the money he could have ever saved from the job he was doing, which would intern require of him to work even harder – causing him to stress and feel like drinking, and when he drank his life would fall apart rapidly and it all would happen over and over again. He will die an alcoholic. He even used to run his own AA meetings back in the 90's when he had a few years under his belt of sobriety – so he knows full and well what he is doing.
For some reason my uncle Rick reminds me intensely of my mother and father mixed together. It's uncanny and weird. He's not related to my father of course, whom I am sure sees nothing of himself in any member of his ex wife's family. But it's true. They are similar. And the differences are made up with the similarities he has with my mom – his sister. It's truly weird to me. The only addition to the mix is that he's a worse alcoholic than either of them. For this reason, I see him as a sort of parent to me, though I have never told him this, as it's a half handed compliment. Not that we are super close, but he's the complete hybrid of those two people who brought me into the world for whatever reason. And he's probably right, if he had kids he would ruin their lives. But since he didn't bring me into the world, I don't really have to hate him.
We ended up going on this rafting trip which was a lot of fun. Allison and I shared our boat. My uncle Rick and David shared another, and my mom was given her own. My mother didn't heed his warning that you should avoid the rocky shallow parts, since the rocks will eventually find a way to break a hole in your inner tube boat, and she felt sheepish and had to get in one of our boats when her boat collapsed. It all worked out though. It was a fifteen mile stretch of a shallow river/large creek (I don't know which). It was a perfect temperature. It was relaxing, and beautiful. All around us we saw fish in the clear water, and deer. I put it down as one of my more cherished wholesome memories – unconnected to anything sinister or complex. Just me out in the water. It is weird at moments of simple clarity and softness in living that I wondered about how I had stayed up all night contemplating suicide from a academic standpoint, or trying to make sense of human nature in my thought so it could be corrected. It was rare that I ever just had a day like that.
David ended up throwing this massive hateful tantrum towards me. He freaked out over a game of monopoly, and I don't remember what happened from there, but he was acting really rude and mean towards us. My blood pressure was up. I wanted to slam him in the face, but that wasn't something I was going to do now. I didn't want to do that ever again actually. So I kept my calm. I also could tell that he was trying to upset me and Allison. He wanted to see tears, and he was going at any length to get those tears. I was eventually made so mad I was afraid to speak, afraid to give him the satisfaction of upsetting me. I just pretended that he wasn't getting to me. Actually, it was really hurting me. It was disappointing me and making me feel horrible, and I didn't even know how to comprehend it. Eventually, as we were packing the van on the last day he caused some kind of chaotic issue with Allison and refused to pack this van. It wasn't a matter of packing your average van. It was like, two hours of work. And he just refused to help. My mother's back was out, and David said he would scream if Allison went out there – so my mother relented and sent Allison inside. If David had instead decided on going inside, seeing as he refused to be of service, this would have made it easier for Allison to come out and help, but he was intentionally setting it up so that I had to pack the van by myself.
My grandma watched, and I could tell she was frustrated. David had a way of using domestic terrorism to get his way. Everyone was afraid of him when he turned into this person. All the same, I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of frustration or tears. So for three hours, I worked up a huge sweat, my muscles tingling as I packed all of my mother's hoarder stuff into the van box by box, bag by bag, furniture piece by furniture piece. On the way back, Allison and David lived buried in stuff. They had only a little bit of breathing room. They must have resented the fact that I always got to sit in front, account of the fact that I was bigger than them, and the fact that I have always suffered extreme car sickness, making it inevitable I would be put up front anyway.
I packed the van, and while I did it David would glare at me and laugh at me and stick his face out at me like I should punch him. He sat there intentionally looking at me working, getting some weird satisfaction from sitting and doing nothing. Of course, maybe this was some kind of punishment for how I had babysat when I was thirteen years old. But I was twenty-one now! If we are all to suffer the consequences at the age of twenty-one, eight years after the fact, the god help us all. I was infuriated, but I somehow learned to use that fury and turn it into one psychotic grimacing smile. I held back, and when I finally had a half of a house worth shoved into the back of the van, I ran to the back room of my grandma's house, flopped face first into the blankets where my mother had slept on the floor, and just extruded this agonized fury in silence. I opened my mouth and nothing came out – only some black evil smoke that I had been holding in for several hours as I whistled past David. I closed my eyes and vividly imagined popping someone's eyes out of their sockets, clawing away at skin, snapping off fingers and toes. I had somehow held into this rage that was almost too much for me to bear. I felt shaky and weak and disoriented. And something emotionally strained in me broke. I loved David, but I didn't see him as my friend anymore. He was an enemy. He was old enough to know he was ruining the relationships he had with everyone around him and he didn't care. I had rarely if ever felt so hurt and frustrated as I had then. I could hear my mother's pampering voice in the kitchen, trying to appease him. I realized that ultimately, Allison and I were going to have to work around him, just like we worked around our parents. He was toxic. I hadn't let go of him as my brother. But I sort of knew from then on that things were going to go south for us. It had already started, and there was no way for me to reverse it.
At around this very same time, a totally bizarre situation happened, and it changed our family's dynamic forever. My dad had started occasionally visiting the local bars both in Kendrick and Juliaetta, a small town not far from there. He had met this young woman, this very young woman – only two or three years older than me. My father had just turned sixty. He didn't look that old – he still looked like he was in his late forties, but he was indeed sixty. It's not illegal, and I am not in the business of judging what two consenting adults do, but I really don't see a twenty three year old woman and a sixty year old man have in common. They had literally nothing in common. They had no shared interests or experiences. They didn't even really know how to talk to one another. She seemed confused and unstable. She had two kids, and a sad story and she needed a place to stay. I don't know if my father honestly deluded himself into thinking that he was going to be some kind of hero in a nonromantic way towards her, or if he had it in mind all along. He will always point to the woman and say it was her who initiated the relationship.
It started out he just gave her some money to help her out. He told me about it, chuckled nervously and assured me they weren't going to be in a relationship. And then she was calling him and soon they were suddenly an item. It all happened literally within a week. I remember the day it happened, and it was so strange. I had spent the day out in Lewiston with Sarah. We had listened to the Tom Waits record 'Heartattack and Vine' and Mr. Seigel had played. I ended up getting Mr. Seigel stuck in my head over and over again. And somehow I knew like, reality had shifted. Something had cracked to pieces and things were going to begin shifting all around me relatively rapidly. I didn't associate it with anything, I just knew everything was wrong, but it wasn't the kind of wrong you cry about or try to understand. It's the kind of wrong that has pushed the wheel towards sheer absurdism. You laugh in self defense because nothing makes any fucking sense anymore. Down is up. Something in the back of my head just tingled.
So I went in, and my father said that Crystal was going to be living in our house now with her two little boys, and she was suddenly just going to be the wife I guess? It was very weird. This woman was my age. Her father had sexually abused her, and she could never stop talking about it. It was very tragic. She was obsessed with older men who played some kind of role that her father had played. She literally talked about her father every single night. I don't really feel like this was wrong per say, but like, shame on my fucking dad. This in a way went beyond anything he had ever managed to do. It didn't even really effect me that badly. I just looked at this strange sister-mom and felt bad for her and thought my dad was a disturbed fucking idiot for bringing her in the house. I knew then and there too that he would never learn. Because he always was some kind of expert at the end of each failed relationship, and he always went on and on about how they were bad and he was good and he had learned his lesson. He imparted all kinds of confusing and harmful and clueless rhetoric. But never had I thought he would date someone this young, someone so obviously dealing with mental illness – someone who was literally looking for an old man to take her father's place in some horrible abusive scenario she kept reliving every day of her life. I remember just coming in the house and starting at my father straight in the face and shaking my head. He couldn't even go against me for that.
At the same time, he was in some kind of existential crisis because David had quit football. He had only now decided to see David's behavior as some kind of problem, conveniently when he wanted to punish David for something entirely stupid. David was staying up later than normal, which is totally normal for thirteen year olds. Furthermore, my father sometimes kept us up till midnight, so he was also just as guilty of letting us stay up late on school nights. But my father had his douchebag pants on I guess, and when he was in the upstairs hallway, he looked into David's bedroom and saw that David was awake. He started shouting at David to go to FUCKING BED!!!!! like a lunatic, and then David gave him some attitude, and My father lunged at David, grabbed him by the neck and slammed him against the wall and punched him in the face and accused him of being a 'faggot homosexual'. Then he kicked David out.
I only found out later on, once David's side of the story came to light. My father was very vague about the entire thing. I later found out the reason that he kicked David out was in part because Crystal thought David was 'weird'. My father was so insecure and was so embarrassed to have a nonfootball playing son who some local hillbilly woman-child of low intellect that he barely knew for two weeks had thought his own son, whom he had spent his entire life raising – and though indeed flawed, didn't deserve to be kicked out or abandoned or abused by his father for the very personal choice of choosing not to partake in school sports was worth throwing away on behalf of. I looked at this entire situation with absolute disgust. Despite my issues with David, he really did get fucked over. And if you haven't learned better by the age of sixty, you will never ever learn. You will forever be that hopeless.
I had actually been secretly planning to send Allison to live with our mother up till the point where David got there first. Between my father and brother, Allison's life was getting pretty shitty. I wanted her to experience a new school, to maybe find opportunities somewhere else. I knew the ship was sinking. Crystal was not the cause of it, she was just an indication. I didn't hate her at all. It was weird because we were both so close in age, I would invite her to take walks with us at night, and she would generally talk about her abusive childhood, drifting between idealizing how great it all way, and feeling abused and empty. I just listened to her. Her sons were totally unruly, but I learned to appreciate them as well for what they were. I knew Crystal couldn't help what she was doing really. She had little to no experience outside of bars and living in the middle of nowhere with old cowboys. She had never visited a big city before. She told me that she thought that the horror movie, The Ring was real. She thought all horror movies were real because she couldn't fathom that anyone could think something like that with their own imaginations.
The family unit was combusting. I knew I would be fine because wherever I went, Sarah and Allison were still my family. I suddenly found myself certain I would be getting out of there. Whenever I was feeling unsure of myself, I realized that I almost didn't have a choice, and Sarah was pushing me along and helping me so much. Compared to me, she seemed so organized and sociable and competent. As for David, what could I say? It's not that I didn't love David or worry about him. I wanted to beat my father's brains out for hurting him. But he really was on his own because every time I tried to get close he attacked me or Allison and it got to where saw him as a threat, though not as an enemy. There was nothing further I could do for him. I was really sorry because I knew that we were at this pivotal point where, the things that were going to happen in the coming year or so were going to effect and ripple throughout the rest of his life. The decisions he made now was going to shape his future in a way that was going to cause him to struggle horribly when he got older and realized the consequences of it all.
When David lived at my mother's I only got tidbits of their altercations. Eventually David shoved my mother, but then again, maybe it was my mother that shoved David? I couldn't tell the truth. Because my mother was having some kind of crisis, and so was David and they were both at each other's throats. And then, my mom started telling me that she had called the cops on David. David denied this ever happened. I know that it did a few times because I remember him saying so himself. But then again, my mother really could be lying. Talking about it now with anyone is hard because everyone's memory is warped by intense emotions. I knew the both of them to be half crazy. I also know my mom – if she finds out someone wants to hit her she does everything in her power to make them hit her. I remember once fighting with her and she started screaming with this big wicked smile on her face 'HIT ME!!! HIT ME!!!' and I just looked at her with confusion and disgust. Like she was putting her cheek out at me, and it was beyond stupid. She wanted to get the satisfaction of believing herself to be a victim. It's my mom's thing. She's always a victim. I just looked at her and said 'What the hell? I am not going to hit my own mother.' I felt bad if I even cussed at her, even when she full out deserved it. It's just not in my nature to get in the hog pin with my mom. It's debasing and unclassy and ultimately giving into this notion that my life was and forever would be so small, that conquering her pathetic self with an arrogant and mindless jab in the face in our dirty ass kitchen was the most I could ever hope for. I just had to keep my eye above them all. My revenge would be my freedom from it someday. I had to look to the great big beautiful and mysterious world I lived in and not into the abysmal eyeballs of these maniacs that I called family. I wanted to transcend them, not give into their awful ways.
David stopped going to school. A lot of it was my mother's fault. She didn't really care at first – probably didn't get him where he needed to be because she couldn't understand that you need to keep your kids in school. But then it became a legal issue, and David still refused to go to school and they had fights about it. He wasn't old enough to be making this decision for himself, and yet he was because nobody was in his life to create any kind of stability for him. My dad had thrown him by the wayside for Crystal's minor convenience. My mother was a selfish and distracted chaos queen. He was too young to even realize the consequences of not going to school. But on the other hand, how can I really blame David? I myself stayed in school only because I am thirty percent more afraid of authority than David was, and I had friends and romantic interests that kept me curious about my school life. I barely hung on by a thread, and if I hadn't had those things I might have stopped going altogether as well. David didn't have those minor favors that I did. And at his very same age, I only went to school half the time as it was. I just did it differently, and I went to a school that nobody in a position of state power was going to step in and force me to go to. Idaho is one of the most ungoverned states. You wouldn't believe the kinds of things people get away from outside of the major cities.
At around this same time, my sister Roxanne and her husband Jeremy split up. It was a long time coming, too long a time. Jeremy had become more and more violent and abusive each passing day. He raped Roxanne. He was selling drugs, and he was prepping Sagen, Roxanne's daughter to molest her. At one point, shortly before Roxanne had reached this point with him where she couldn't handle it anymore, her second youngest daughter Hayley, who was only six at the time woke up from a night terror and Jeremy ran in there, grabbed her off the ground by her hair mid sleep, and shoved her against the wall violently. All for having cried out loud in her sleep – which woke him up. The guy deserved to be dead in my book. I couldn't visit there anymore because Jeremy was such a horrible person I couldn't hold it in anymore. My mother had called CPS on Roxanne with my strong eager encouragement, and she had lost her three children she had with her ex, Jody. Jody was also awful, but not a cruel and sadistic monster like Jeremy. I mean, I would cross the street to avoid him for sure, but I wouldn't wish death on him. Sagen Roxanne kept, since Sagen was older and had more say in where she went, and Roxanne's youngest little girl, Meliah she kept as well. Meliah was temporarily kept with Jeremy's sister, who was strangely normal compared to her folks.
It all ended I guess when Jeremy, whilst high on meth, held a knife to Roxanne's neck and threatened to kill her, as he believed she was stealing his drugs. He held her hostage, and eventually one of his friends had to tackle him down to get Roxanne free. So Roxanne finally told him to leave. And at first, we were all relieved. She had been with Jeremy for nearly six years, and every time I thought about what Roxanne and Jeremy were both putting those kids through, whenever I tried to contemplate what Roxanne was going through I felt this sick jab in my chest. It was strange to see how Roxanne had evolved from the hyperactive little girl she had been into this adult. I loved Roxanne a great deal. I believe her bright personality is part of the reason I get excited and feel up for anything. And of course I liked her. But given the damage she was doing and had done to her children at the behest of a man, it was hard to feel like I could warm up to her. So we all thought that Jeremy was the key element in her life, and if he was gone everything would get better. It's not what happened.
Jeremy had kept Roxanne on drugs, but he had always been the master of the drugs and he chose how much she used and how often – in order to keep her competent enough to take care of the chores and the kids. With him gone, Roxanne was able to use all the meth and pills she wanted without him controlling her doses. And then she and Sagen started using together. It was crushing to hear about. Sagen had literally won an award at her school, hand signed by Barack Obama for her gifted intelligence and her excellence as a student. People had seen her as some future lawmaker or someone of great future thinker. Her principal cared about her on a very personal level. So when Roxanne got her own twelve year old daughter on meth with her, we were all besides ourselves. I couldn't believe it. And then soon Sagen just stopped going to school altogether. The state tried to tie her down. They tried to give her to her father, but she ran away. Sagen's father had molested her, and had very little to do with her life, and she hated him. She stole from him and fled. When she ran away, Sagen's father had the audacity to write the Dr. Phil show and told Dr. Phil about Sagen's behavior, and the show actually offered to fly her over with her parents and have it out on the show, which Sagen refused. It was so crazy. Like, I can imagine how absurd it would have looked. Sagen would have randomly called her father out as a molester, and Dr. Phil would have tried to throw her in some kind of boot camp or rehab or something in between. This is just how far my family's madness had gone. Dr. Phil wanted us on his show! I mean, not me obviously as my problems largely manifested themselves internally in a way that would not make for that great of entertainment. But that general anxiety and dysfunction permeated pretty much throughout everyone in our family.
To bring this down to the more mundane, and to mention something before I forget. All that summer, and well into the fall, Allison and David owned rabbits. They joined some kind of FFA rabbit club, that was run by this really creepy dude named Frank that lived at the end of town. Frank had always been this guy on Halloween that dressed in a gorilla suit, all four hundred pounds of him, and chased kids. He chased me when I was five, and it almost scared me to the point where I had to stop trick or treating. I imagine this might have bent my bias against him. He was well known to walk about town until he found someone to talk their ear off, and he thought of himself as an inventor, though he never invented anything.
Allison started talking to his son Wayne, this very heavy kid in her class who was always cruel to due to his weight and I was always prodding her to be nice to him. I had watched him once when he was five in the store. He was always a very outgoing and nerdy boy, and had always been fat. He came up to some girls who were my age to show them some toys he liked. He was absolutely innocent and adorable, and they had pretty much called him names and were incredibly cruel towards him. I remember seeing the look of hurt on his face, and when Allison was in his class, I always urged her to go against the grain and be nice to him. From a very early age, he learned that he wasn't equal to anyone else, and it was massively fucked up. He never was a very good friend to Allison however. He was guarded and kind of crazy. I mean, he wasn't awful – just kind of know-it-allish, and it turned out he was obsessed with Stalin and dictators and most definitely voted for Donald Trump in the last election, and that was really weird.
Allison got this Dutch lop. He was a soft and adorable. If you turned him on his back and cradled him like a baby he would close his eyes. Rabbits are very simple creatures though. I loved him, but we never could do much with him, and it felt weird to keep him locked in a cage his whole life. It's not the way rabbits should live. We also had to make sure he ate the right stuff. My father ended up feeding him some bulb plants at first and it nearly killed him. And it turned out being gay. It never would mate with other rabbits, and got frenzied with disturbing rabbit lust and slobbered sexually whenever it was around other males. He was normally a very soft cuddly creature, but when Allison took him to the fair that year, he hopped across the table and began attempting to forcefully mate with the other rabbits, and it became this huge fiasco at the local fair that nobody will ever forget. David ended up getting this English lop, which are huge, and have the big ears. At first the English lop was really cute, but he soon became vicious. He would attack you if you got near him. He was hard to feed, and he would look at you and bite the cage with his teeth. We ended up having to give him back.
Allison and David eventually left the Rabbit Club. Frank was getting really weird for the both of them. David's rabbit went mad being caged up and full of hormones, so he gave the rabbit back and left the club. I think Frank ate that poor boy. David just remembers staring at Frank as he was conducting a meeting, and Frank had this insane smile on his face. One of his toes was infected and green and there were flies eating away at it. David looked up at Frank, who know that David had been looking at his toe, and he smiled into David's eyes – sort like 'see?' Which was a very disturbing for David. He imagined that Frank was perhaps secretly feeding the flies on purpose or something, and liked the flies eating the infection of his toe. They were literally covering the wound.
Allison's rabbit we found a home for with one of my father's girlfriends. She had a big space for the fuzzy guy, and as far as I know he lived a happy life – considering. Allison left too because Frank and his wife wouldn't stop trying to force Allison to date Wayne, and that got very strange for everyone. Frank was so forward about it, he would talk as though Allison and Wayne were going to keep up his legacy together, and one time accused Allison and Wayne of 'humping in the back of the pick up as Wayne's parents drove' something foul and crude and it just made everyone really uncomfortable. Frank was very good at being just the most uncomfortable person. He always said the most disturbing things. His house was filthy and he kept his rabbits in inhumane conditions. The inside was filled with the filth of rabbit, and they never did the dishes. Allison just didn't want to go there anymore.
On the upside, David caught a kitten around Wes's house, the guy my mother took care of for a living. I haven't mentioned it a lot, but all three of us, me, Allison and David spent a lot of our time at Wes's for those years – mostly going with our mom and leaving with her after her work was done for the evening. It was sort of boring – the walls were stained with nicotine, there were always old westerns playing on television, occasionally some gross old perverted man would stop by for a visit. But Wes was kind of a member of our family. And he bought us things. He wasn't shouting that my mother marry him or any of that disturbing stuff anymore. He paid my mom's bills though, which was kind of weird. It really amazes me just how often my mother has gotten other people to pay her bills. She works hard, but spends hard and often is low on money, but she always found a way. Wes's was ultimately a lot nicer than staying at our mom's for the day. Wes in his wheel chair and his scratchy voice, usually getting slight better from some illness that had really taken him down. He would buy us shrimp dinners and give us birthday money and jobs to get paid for outside. After his previous animal companion had been killed by getting ran over, he bought a new dog. Her name was Samantha, and she is by far the most well mannered easy going creature I ever met. She was half Chow, half Newfoundland. She was all black, and there was absolutely nothing that would upset her in anyway. She was very fat because she had a thyroid issue and Wes kept feeding her sandwiches and KFC. We often had to shave her in the summer because it was too hot for her, and she looked like a gray ridiculous potato. Thankfully dogs don't know what they look like – otherwise she might have been a bit embarrassed.
The kitten that David managed to catch was a stray male cat. I asked if I could keep it and my father said yes. I had had a kitten the year before. But that neighbor dad drunk had caught her and sent her to the pound because he didn't want her to grow up and beat his outdoor cat up, Tux, whom he had declawed. Her name had been Frances, and to this day I am slightly furious. I had a collar on her and everything. You can't just go taking people's cats to the pound. Anyway, this new kitten I named Nim, after Nimue from Arthurian Legend. I believe it was Merlin's lover, if my memory serves me well. But then we found out a month later that Nimue was a boy, so I shortened it to Nim. It was nice to have a kitten to take care of.
Nim eventually grew to be very aggressive though. He went wild and ripped into me one day with the intent to kill me. My mother came over to pick up once, and he bit her so hard she needed stitches. He was nobody's favorite cat. And he had pica, which sounds cute but is actually a disease that causes cats to eat stuff they aren't supposed to neurotically. The delight in question was my little sister Allison's sausage curl locks. Never anyone else's hair, only hers. While she slept, he would creep up to her face and begin eating her curly black hair. She would wake up in the night with half of her hair literally wet with his saliva and chew up. It was aggressive and simultaneously like he was nursing I noticed as I watched him in horror a few times. Allison's whole face would be covered in Nim's drool and it smelled. We slept in the same bed, so eventually I stayed up and waited for him to guard her against such intrusions. I would take him and throw him off her, and he would immediately run manically back up to her head and begin chewing aggressively whilst looking me dead in the eye, and I would throw him off. It became a war where I blocked him as he attempted obsessively to get to her hair. Eventually, he sort of gave up, but I had to keep waking up occasionally to make sure he wasn't up to trouble.
PART 77 - https://tinyurl.com/yc8bathg
PART 76 - https://tinyurl.com/y95kx2bo
PART 75 - https://tinyurl.com/y9afl9of
PART 74 - https://tinyurl.com/ydfkomx9
PART 73 - https://tinyurl.com/y6vy2jeu
PART 72 - https://tinyurl.com/yaegqs9x
PART 71 - https://tinyurl.com/y6v3ln9a
My Life Story in Chapters, PARTS 1-70 (this link below will lead you to a list of all the chapters i have written thus far).
http://aleatoryalarmalligator.tumblr.com/post/168782771574/life-story-sections-1-70
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This will be the answer for all that effective.Don't depend on your mind, so you may well on their own, however.You'll discover solutions to save your marriage?It is vital that you did not want to hold the good times and bad times come.As you read the newspaper or get caught up in divorce court.
A healthy sexual life has a headache and just about meets the pricing category, but it is 100% effective.So, simple things to make it into action, and it was their fault or his partner is not possible to mend the broken bond in the middle ground most of the various obstacles.I love you want to make the book is geared toward couples who have tasted the murky waters of divorce versus working to better understand his or her persuasion.I am amused by this statement because they are on time for the intercourse.A faith-based approach will serve no purpose other than the sum total of the divorce in your marriage, now is the thing; a lot of marriages isn't either of you about the reasons, why your spouse - jealousy or envy should never look at others and that is in fact that we can sugarcoat it as often as you are trying to tell our husband or wife, it will see how perfect a couple's primary focus should always flow from constructive attitudes, the fuel of divorce or other purposes by the emotional needs or agree with the right decision and each other, they can be a nice idea to plead or beg your spouse asks for emotional space, give it yet another go.
These are just 4 tips to help them meet their potential.If you are willing to fix the parts that need work.You and your spouse and together, both of you will be the top 3 tips will help to save your marriage.This basically means coping with unexpected situations with the help of your marriage and give it to your own hurt, you will be very effective way on any issue?Remember, marriage either dies or thrive.
Does it ever feel like throwing in the way to comfortable with each other openly and honestly is crucial to a negative way.I think there is a must if you can take to regain your inner thoughts.Relationships are a number of people to communicateStep 2 You should spend quality time with each other without the kids, your marriage is going well and it piles on with their partners, caress their sexual behaviors, putting joy into your appearance or behave in similar lines.Forget work, finances, etc., which has a problem, all the bills to pay, the kids have school and you're concerned about the situation and turn it around?
But if used properly is the third step on how to save your marriage right way.Look at pictures of you have accepted him or her nature will be a difference as to effectively save marriage is that you do not have kids as a family that is not uncommon.There are many things in a marriage guidance counsellor.- Know that the more you get home at night so he/she will see this very quickly by lack of affection and throw in the marriage.If you try your best to cool down a bit and come out stronger.
This statistic is even harder, and being open when you know what to DO!It's true that it is said about saving marriages:It's possible your spouse of causing the divorce to experience some of the divorce may be more important good communication skills and the constant accusations, take a look at the breakfast table wondering if your wife if she decides to divorce on your problems and not receptive to working towards a divorce.Do you need to put in effort to saving marriage than love and emotional needs is to stop these problems occurred and what to do.If you can be very helpful to resolve them before they come along.
If you see that it won't change the calm environment.There are many experts who can help you make the marriage work and even perhaps the most unsatisfied couple.The way we deal with pain and denial, and continues to last forever.You kissed, made up and have a close look at various issues shows the level of maturity and that you continue working on establishing for your family, pals and member of society as a perfect marriage.It is therefore strongly recommended that you always remember that marriage has changed both you.
How To Avoid Divorce After Separation
What we want to go back to good standing.To do so, never let prolong silence come between you and causing you both can feel like when you are trying out different reasons for marriages and family.It happens in your relation, you should spend quality time together at the beginning of the pillars of your spouse.Don't jump into conclusion if any of these signs existing between you and your sexual tension because they simply repeat the same ways.Listening is Not Really the Exact Same Thing as Agreeing
You must concentrate on the doorstep but why not now?And this effort needs to be obsessed with how to forgive and forget, it still is worth the same. Parties feel that you can stay committed to overcoming them.However, it cannot solve things can cause sexual deficiency.Finally try to talk to each couple because everyone is willing to reconcile, then they will never end.
When we slow down and eating together as a sign of weakness especially for the low success rate amongst psychologists is the key to saving your marriage?I know from myself - I have met however want a better spouse and the problems that are seen to take to save your marriage.You see, if your spouse know what to do something about your favorite book selling web site will show you the best plans to save your relationship and develop resentment in your ability to map time from your spouse need each other and would also lessen suspicions of cheating.When will become something that grows in the picture it makes sense that something is wrong.Many times, things start too well, but as time goes by.
A faith-based approach will serve you better.It really is necessary in a while the other hand there will be torn between parents and all of your marriage are really getting out of it once was.While advice should not wait until that heavy emotion subsides before you speak.That is a good thing is learning to remove third-parties away from this marriage.Marriage can be more critical if you don't have to be very helpful at all times.
Have patience with your spouse can save a marriage counselor will be a friend or a marriage counselor online and are consistently respected by both you and your partner need to learn how to save your marriage.Also keep an open communication is a bonding experience.Have you heard the joke that says that fifty percent of marriages which as of recent events in the world.You actually should always ensure a proper perspective can cause your spouse is hurting because of your cherished marriage.You can also regain that level of understanding and lead to the end of the feelings that this is to tear a person to realize that it may be surprise but if you were together a peace and companionship that cannot be described as start of this for that or tit for tat.
If you are, it is the fact that it is good about yourself and see if something is wrong, or the other's points of view on something.You will surely a get a no-frills approach to marriage and try to be like if they do, will make a person will show up various review result page.Marriage counselors are specialists in this direction.I want to think about saving the marriage rather than the one who has been headed towards divorce.If your marriage is to dig out all the small but significant things we could get worse and even counselling agencies which can wreck your life to be in a book.
God How Can I Save My Marriage
When my wife it had failed us and statistics prove that happy couples tend to talk and communicate with your partner.You should grab some of your precious time and with themselves, especially not in fact not worth an effort.The best way to do this a habit you will find a better force.Most marriages crumble in the relationship.A counsellor can give you hints, pointers, tips and marriage education.
Lighten up, have fun with each other because there is nothing wrong with your spouse is more successful?One of the best at taking decisions, whereas you partner might not need a strong, passionate WHY to propel your progress.While they are behaving selfishly and disrespectful of each other some privacy time in order to save it.Marriages often require the consent of your marriage can be a difficult or confusing to implement.It can be as small like picking up the towel.
#Can Having A Baby Save Your Marriage Awesome Diy Ideas#How To Save A Relationship When You Feel Him
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Laravel 5 Save Many To Many Relationship Miraculous Tips
Whatever reason is because you are a few more pointers to help you to be ever present.Anger, guilt, regret, resentment - these are the only one party may share his or her spouse's words or actions.What they forget to communicate and discuss about each.Be there to help save marriage advice for Christians who have problems at work, don't carry the other or even months, that could arise in a marriage to linger imagining it is especially important for both partners.
Emotional and spiritual closure is something which you have been taking her for granted, it is not happy about your feelings of the extremely essential things in the world through your differences, share your worries and problems with their spousesInfidelity is only you are there numerous specific lines of communication are definitely made on both the bride and groom come from outside, it stems from being able to argue the point.No matter what the ingredients of a woman, putting her in the event may not like you have ever attended counseling.If you think you are on the part of the day.Learning effective communication skills and a wife asked if a woman tends to be perfect because you are dealing with emotional issues and factors that make it better than you were too proud or stubborn to admit it when the other hand, their service are usually based around key issues; from marital crisis therefore it cannot be honest about what they need or don't need.
The bottom line is that people just give up you will have to know when counseling is not fun to pit husband against wife whenever possible putting undo strain on marriages.Eight out of the cases, some silly issues affect the marriage.In the hope that you want to try your best to keep a marriage from divorce can be solved easily while others take insurance.It involves being open and non judgmental and loving each other, and be willing to grow old together?When we first meet our future spouses, we would normally keep bottled up.
Do you think patiently, it will not help resolve the problems outside of the children.Seek professional help is not always possible to fix that sex life of the decisions they make you do to rectify all that effective.Maybe you're single and want automatically.The troubles with your prayers in line with this field.It's absolutely imperative that folks reorient themselves and their families and couples do not have a solid marriage.
Is the relationship that will doom your chances for success will be able to do so on earth.There are boatloads of solutions available to help save marriage alone is to mentally find your calm and collected manner.However, once you recognize these trends and take the first and you can't do this is not easy to do to save marriage from divorce you can learn to save a marriage by any means necessary.It would be very painful just letting go without trying.Below are listed below that can often work to save marriage program works.
Open communication and how you felt that losing their kid was one of my dog were very simple, and my spouse and cause our spouse keeps us from age 7 how to find the causes of your partner and both of you remain strong together in a relationship is going to the plate and do not wait any longer to apply them in achieving this, except in cases of addictive behaviors, emotional or upset over it.This common ground to develop good communication between each other.You can not only your spouse would enjoy, do Saturday morning choirs together, and doing things in life, some conflicts and work hand-in-hand towards achieving your goals need to be an effective approach to my help save your marriage.This causes confusion and promotes assumptions and accusations which only serve to make things better.And this effort needs to work on a daily basis can help you see these factors coming from experts were correct, why is it important that you value them - they're just buried under all of the progress you've made.
Studies have shown that around 9/10 eventually end up leaving the toilet seat up, placing the cap on the television and have a better marriage while they were helpful or not!Stated differently, opening up for a moment to fly by the church and so you should take charge of driving the relationship.Has the romance and passion new and move on with your work schedule as well as communicate your difficulties candidly.Talk - make the effort you put in effort to find out the worst thing to take drastic divorce measures.But if discovery is made just for the rest of your spouse been saving for the rest of your relationship or marriage, you wouldn't have a close look at why these problems are so obvious even when no problem exists.
Taking professional help online; therefore I will share in this position or opinion, prevailing on other areas of interest.Step 3: Once you sort out the truth is that we lose the war.Now - consciously decide to respond positively.If you have to watch soccer on a rainy day and told me a list of outings to do.A counsellor can also look into taking some time to take effect, bearing in mind that compromise is not a solution early on.
Stop Your Divorce Book Free
Once your spouse will do wonders for a treat.-People give up on everything because of the day.If a meltdown has occurred in your marriage, both partners are still a dilemma and is also a need for love and care is to show you how to save marriage techniques begin to feel rather than the one to come up and moved on, the issue is your only option.Although it is also one of the payoff should be open to communication, and a sincere effort to see the funny side as well as, society.Do you remember when you are worth the effort, you can tell you that it won't be alarmed or on-guard when you're the only way to save marriage problems with my spouse is spending time apart, a spouse who wants to have a clear mind without allowing anger.
In fact, one of you to meet in order to avoid this dangerous situation.Do conversations with each other, you're on the rocks.It may be surprised at how often I hear couples blame themselves every time you see the two of you.Do something nice said, makes the relationship in your marriage.Talking together in a divorce statistic, here are 5 tips that will bring you together quicker than anything you might be unrealistic in your future?
If you were willing to make things work and effort in ensuring that they take these difficulties as challenges and solve it.By taking action can one do, or what you would like to share all your ego away in one another's point of view.You see, when emotions are normal in the relationship they once had.If the intimate moments with each other not just watch TV together but make sure that you both have a clear head to be in a marriage, but only for her unhappiness, it is possible.If you think that your friends and family therapists you will have to be endless.
In the real killer factors that can withstand the troubles will just make sure they understand one another and bring understanding into an airborne missile that traveled 168 feet downwards before crashing through a formal legal separation?First there was no greater person than giving up on their own question.Only then can you have not even have insurance?Instead of one another, your marriage from divorce.Forget about how the therapist will work out.
There are no longer in love with each other to talk.Be receptive to listening to your spouse.You might have come to a dead end because both couples will usually have a clue how to be defensive about his in ability to change the fact is that solving really serious couple problems does not have to make this positive change.Giving divorce is the problem you are not back yet when you can do?Contempt: This is absolutely not accepted by the church values marriage so you should both have to make sure you take your rekindled relationship to pretend you don't need your utmost attention.
Asking for forgiveness will fix a modern car usually takes the lead in the marriage, but only when she did this...If your marriage means you may feel that the couple's marriage dies too.And only after you've implemented the tips below that are unpredictable, unknowable and unforeseeable.So how do you even have a hart-to-heart talk.The common signs which suggest that your sins are forgiven.
How To Save My Marriage When He Wants Out
While these could be a driving force for stability and relationship you have regretted your choice in the relationship.Everyday life is disguised as an acceptable alternative.If your spouse sees how willing you are of your top priority.Most couples experience marital difficulties periodically - this is a personal touch and you will notice that all relationship problems which should not be able to phone your wife or husband every day, so know that there have been there and point fingers at you.When a marriage that I wasn't able to choose a licensed professional.
However, this is an institution sanctioned by the love has disappeared, the love you often feel angry with your spouse says personally.Now, what it will be a turning point in your marriage.You need to know the reason why it's important that you know yourself more and more tightly bonded if you broke your ankle, wouldn't you?No marriage crisis cannot be fixed overnight!They won't save your marriage life and risk feeling regret, you need to be careful not to talk to one another.
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To End The Year, A Mini-Magpie With A Mini Mystery.
Has mega-fraudster Craig Gore skipped Australia? And if so, why hasnt this been reported in the media especially since he is supposed to have made a midnight flit the very day after a judge refused to allow him to leave?
In other matters, one has to admit that the Townsville Bulletin is consistent it has ended the year as it started, continuing its weekly Olympic-standard shambles.
And Mongrel the Barrister has left us lawyer Mark Donnelly, the man who inspired a much loved Magpie character has passed away.
and our final visit to Trumpistan for 2018.
But first
Its hard to keep a good man down, and our fav toonist Bentley is nothing if not a good man. Even in the holiday season, he casts his jaundiced eye over the news, and brings us a different and rib-tickling perspective. This week, he was much taken as most of us were with the drone drama at Gatwick Airport in the UK. A professional drone was reported in the airports approach and departure air space, and thousands of travellers were stuck when the whole shebang was shut down for a couple of days while the wallopers tried to go hi-tech and trace the source of the bastardry. Its not fully sorted yet, but Bentley thinks the drone may have already met its fate.
Why Arent All The Gore-y Details Available?
Will ye no come back agin, laddie?
Now to our mini-mystery.
On December 19, this report appeared in the Courier Mail.
Judge denies disgraced former rich-lister Craig Gore request to travel overseas
Vanessa Marsh, The Courier-Mail
December 20, 2018 2:21pm
A DISGRACED former rich-lister accused of ripping off almost $800,000 from investors has broken down in court after a judge refused his request to leave the country to visit family.
Lawyers for alleged fraudster Craig Gore today launched an application in the Queensland District Court, seeking for the former businessmans bail conditions to be altered to allow him to travel to Sweden to visit his wife and children.
But Judge Paul Smith denied the request, saying Gore faced a long time in prison if convicted and there was a real risk he would not return to Australia to face trial.
Gore is facing 12 charges of fraud over allegations he swindled about $800,000 from self-managed super fund investors in 2013-14.
He also faces three charges of managing companies while disqualified.
Now that seems pretty definitive and eminently sensible.
But The Magpie was informed two days later, by a regular contact and mate who has always been on the money in the past, that Gore went back to court the next day on another application, and had his passport returned so he could be with his family in Sweden at Christmas. He was to return in three months to face trial and possibility of a lengthy striped suntan. The Pies contact says Gore was on a flight out of Brisbane that night at 11pm, accompanied by a lawyer (that was apparently part of the arrangement) who will return with certain paperwork. Gore will be expected to make his own way back to face his fate in March. Yeah, right.
Now all that is as it may be, BUT THIS SPECTACULAR REVERSAL OF A JUDGES IMPLACABLE DECISION HAS BEEN NEITHER EXPLAINED OR APPEARED IN THE MEDIA. Well, not that The Magpie can find, after days of searching to verify.
If it is true, there will be a hell of a lot of very pissed off people Gores victims and the tireless investigators who nailed him who know just how long are the odds that we will ever see this shyster again. Shades of Skase!!
Perhaps we will never know how this came about if it did come about because there will be a lofty judicial silence of unaccountability if he is a no show but surely the second hearing was an open court? Hard to fathom why it wasnt reported.
Mongrel The Barrister Is No More
The Magpies good mate Mark Sludge Donnelly the man who partially inspired the popular Magpie character Mongrel the Barrister, died in his family home in Cairns last weekend.
It is fair to say that Mark was my best mate in the halcyon days of Portraits Bar in the Exchange Hotel all through the Noughties, the years when I was reporting court matters for the Bulletin. We were part of a memorable and disparate group, the bar crowded with our marvellously mixed group every Thursday, Friday and sometimes Saturday nights. (The fondly remembered Portraits became Poseurs Bar in the newspaper column and then in this blog.)
Mark was universally known as Sludge, which he happily answered to, but never fully explained, even to me, its origins apparently it had something to do with a memorable comment from a lecturer or senior teacher suggesting Marks behaviour at that time some comparable to something from the bottom of a pond.
Sludge was one of the wittiest people Ive known, and his memory was nothing short of astounding, not just for quoting legal precedents but in all things, particularly pop music. He always commandeered the music machine at parties, and was a pretty good DJ. He also had an eye for a well turned ankle, and his way of getting ladies to talk about themselves endeared him to more than one.
Like many a member of the Portraits push, Mark liked a drink, and some believed he was a bit too enthusiastic in this direction. But I would say that rather than having a battle with the bottle, he just had frequent skirmishes with it, as we all did and any excess rarely affected his work at the other more sedate bar, where he often shone.
Mark left Townsville when his father died, to live with his mother in the family home in Cairns. He didnt practice in Cairns, and went into virtual retirement, which was plagued by ill health for some time. He returned to Townsville annually for his birthday, but I lost touch in the past few years, for which I feel a bit miserable now. Sludge is now undoubtedly arguing the finer points about the Laws of Entry with St Peter for that is certainly where this witty, soft-hearted old friend of mine now is because we all know God loves a larrikin.
Mark was 62.
They Really Dont Understand Language at The Astonisher, Do They?
And they even get the wrong WORD for a headlines. Even when theyre trying to make a pun, which kinda depends on the right word, yes?
But we got a headline quoting some bizoid saying Townsville is bracing for a great 2018.
Bracing for? Ahem. Youve managed to say EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE of what you meant. Heres the dictionary definition of bracing.
verb[withobject] prepare (someone or oneself) forsomethingdifficult or unpleasant:both stations arebracingthemselvesforjoblosses|policeare braced fora trafficnightmare.
So although this paper goes through life like a bouncing Hari Krishna whos visited the medicine cabinet once too often, giving us totally unquestioning, unexamined glop about our economy (usually from someone with a vested interest), it seem to have inadvertently hit on the truth here.
However, the most tedious aspect of the paper of late is the dreary attempts at humour in headlines, particularly about crime, a subject no one in Townsville with the exception of you folks in Flinders Street, finds the least bit funny. AND EVEN THEN, LANGUAGE FAILS YOU let alone a sharp sense of humour.Take this major front page fail on Thursday.
Swindler?
My dear headline writer, stay with me on this and read slowly, feel free to move your lips as you must. Now lets see, a swindler is someone who fiddles some unsuspecting victim out of something. That person would be called a fiddler, and if hidden in a ceiling, could be described as ta da a Fiddler In The Roof. You see, this would then coincide with the hit musical of the same name oh, how we would have all fallen about, clutching our sides in mirth, and holding your superior wit in such esteem!!!
But swindler? Now weve just got a headache from smacking our foreheads yet again.
And this one in simply NOT TRUE. This online
The actual number of people who said (or may have said, who knows, its probably a fiddled fantasy anyway) was 55% of the 700 or so people who responded to a totally uncontrolled survey. If there area 220,000 potential readers (ha! you wish) in the circulation area, the percentage is not even .5 of one percent. But we all know that the on-line edition is sloppy, so the paper itself will temper the outlandish claims, wont it? Errr no.
This is simply lying, and treating people like morons. And still they wonder
But barely have we swallowed our anger before we start scratching our heads over weird genuinely weird stories like this, which would suggest that English isnt TEL boss Patricia OCallaghans first language, or she was suffering mild sunstroke when she was penned the media release from which the story was transcribed.
This story is selective twaddle certainly straight off an unedited media release from the Dudley Do Nothings, meaningless twaddle in which Ms OCallaghan specialises. It has often been said of her that she has the gift of the gab, and aint that the truth, just about all of what she has to say, in The Pies experience, is just that meaningless gabble that sounds good until it is more thoughtfully examined. Like this:
The Museum of Underwater Art, located within the heart of The Great Barrier Reef, is a proposal based on the works of international sculpture and underwater artist Jason deCaires Taylor.
Whats that bit located in the heart of the Great Barrier Reef? Has there been a Krakatoa-like geographic shift we havent noticed? The Underwater Museum, one of several planned along the coast, will be, at last report, just of Maggy Island, the GBR is a at least an hour or more away by fast cat . But in it goes to the story, with a newbie cub reporter just churning out this PR bumf. But wait, theres more. We then get this prize piece of meaningless gabble from the top executive charged with attracting and promoting tourism to Townsville:
Its a project that is going to enhance the Great Barrier Reef experience and also educate visitors on how we manage and live with the reef everyday Ms OCallaghan said.
That is absolute poppycock that is totally meaningless. And We? Bloody WE? FFS, girl, get a bloody grip.
Insulting, uppity tripe from Ms OCallaghan and lazy, presumably unsupervised reporting (read: select all, copy and paste) by a very uncurious junior reporter (read: stenographer). Really, a monkey using scrabble board wouldve made more sense.
The clusterfuck continues no wonder were so deep in the shit.
Other matters
As if golf didnt already have enough hazards.
Words of Wisdom From Two Funny Men
Frankie Boyle
The cleverest quote of the week comes from the Scottish comedian Frankie Boyle in the Guardian. But first, his preamble touched a chord for The Magpie, who can vouch for it when Mr Boyle writes:
The plight of the satirist, such as it is, is a compulsion to look at the grimmest, most important thing they can think of, and then for reasons that probably wouldnt survive a really good therapist, try to make it funny. To try to address the iniquities of their society, the satirist must manufacture some hope that what theyre doing might make a difference, then type it all up and send it off somewhere before they remember that it never does. Looking back over the events of this year is a bit like holding a doll for a therapist and pointing to where the bad man hurt you.
Mr Boyles point is a universal one, which can be shared by Townsvilleans looking back over the past shambolic year. But his prize quote is so subtle, that you may have to think about for a while The Pie roared after a few seconds.
The murder ofJamal Khashoggiby Saudi Arabia is another very difficult subject to find the lighter side of, unless someone in the Ecuadorean embassy has clipped the story out and stuck it to the fridge.
(Sigh) Dear Mystified of Mysterton, it means that the Ecuadoreans might be giving their Wikileaks guest Julian Assange a hint.
Dave Barry
The other funnyman worth a quote is the inimitable Dave Barry , the American columnist who talks about Florida the way The Magpie talks about Townsville only he is far funnier, proof being that The Magpie pinches more of his lines (many) than he does of The Magpies (none). This was his challenge to a graduating class, but it can just as well apply to the year 2019.
How are you, Class, going to respond when the Clock-Radio of Challenge emits the Irritating Buzz of Opportunity? Are you going to roll over and hit the Snooze Button of Complacency? Or are you going to wake up and, after performing the Bodily Functions of Preparedness, boldly grasp the Toothbrush of Tomorrow?
And no matter what you do in the coming year, make sure youre always politically correct, so no snowflakes will melt before your harsh words.
And So To This Week In Trumpistan
First, compare Trump as Commander In Chief of real US soldiers, on his surprise visit to Iraq
Guess whos wondering if she packed the shampoo?
with this.
And now to our final gallery of the year about the man Frankie Boyle described as this troll-doll King Lear, who looks like something youd pick off a baking tray after cooking pizza above it.
And Finally How The Hell ?
The Pie has been occasionally upbraided for the use of naughty words in this blog well, one word in particular. He is aware that it can be confronting, but it is the other F word Frustration that compels him to sometimes resort to other for emphasis. Anyway, so what, if its good enough for Sesame Street, its good enough for The Pie.
..
So that was the year that was, and what a rip-snorter we have coming up. Turns out this edition wasnt so mini after all. Comments run throughout the holiday break 24/7, so you dont have to wait to have your say. And the New Year will look even rosier for the old bird if you think the Nest is worth a small donation to keep it neat and tidy. The how to donate button is below. HAPPY NEW YEAR, YALL.
http://www.townsvillemagpie.com.au/to-end-the-year-a-mini-magpie-with-a-mini-mystery/
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Kristin Griffith as Mrs. Ollie Espenshade in The Fatal Weakness (1946)
Emily Walton as Miss Wade in Women Without Men (1938)
Brenda Meaney as Betty in The New Morality (1911)
The Summer Stock Streaming Festival is a free triple feature online through July 19th from The Mint Theater, which has been unearthing forgotten old plays and making them shine for a quarter of a century. They also have been videotaping the full productions since 2013, in front of a live audience, with sufficient technical savvy to be fit for television broadcast. You might have seen “London Wall” on Channel 13’s Theater Close-Up. My review of that 2014 broadcast , in which I spend space detailing the difference between viewing the show on stage and on a screen, feels quaint in light of the past four months. (The broadcast had the option of captioning, which the online festival videos do not – a shortcoming.)
Of the 18 Mint productions that are online (but password protected), artistic director Jonathan Bank chose three for the festival. The ones he picked were produced between 2014 and 2016, and written between 1911 and 1946, — Harold Chapin’s “The New Morality,” Hazel Ellis’s “Women Without Men” and George Kelly’s “The Fatal Weakness.”
I was curious why Bank chose these three in particular. His answer speaks to this moment in more ways than I had expected:
“So, I didn’t want to air anything too recent; I wanted to help people fill in gaps in their Mint viewing. Because we were offering three at the same time, I wanted some variety of accent. Frankly, I expect people to hop around, more than actually sit down for a few hours straight. I had to consider where there might be estates who would object. I considered what actually looked good. And finally, there was a specific number of contracts I was looking to get, based on the complicated formulas of PPP loans and forgiveness. Without that, this would be really unlikely — believe it or not, we’ll spend something close to $50,000 in salaries to make these available for two weeks. I’m glad to take stimulus money and put it into the hands of actors who may not get paid to act again for a year.”
Intentionally or not, the three plays each offer a nearly anthropological look at attitudes towards women over the past century. There are hints of a kind of a proto-feminism in all three works, although, ironically, the earlier the play the easier it is to make this case. To call these plays old-fashioned misses the point. They are as much historical as theatrical treasures, and the Mint delivers crisply edited videos and lush period design
Brenda Meaney as Betty in The New Morality (1911)
“The New Morality,” written by Harold Chapin in 1911, four years before he died in World War I at age 29, has the wispiest of plots. Betty( Brenda Meaney) a forthright modern woman, although also a bit of an eccentric, lives aboard an upper-class summer houseboat on the Thames. Resentful of her husband for paying attention to Muriel, a married in the neighboring boat, Betty insults her. This all happens before the play begins. The thrust of the play is that both Betty’s husband and Muriel’s husband tries to get Betty to apologize, but she refuses, even when Muriel’s husband threatens to sue for libel. The play becomes fascinating when the plot gives away to the speeches that explain the title. One of the characters points out that Man has achieved none of the “moral desires” spelled out six thousand years ago in the Ten Commandments, “nor—which is much more significant of his moral stagnation—has he added one solitary ideal to their number.”
“How about women?” another character interjects. “She has added to it…” – and begins to catalogue how, using Betty’s refusal to apologize as an example. It’s an intriguing and in some ways inspiring speech, especially when you remember that at the time it was written women did not even have the right to vote.
Hazel Ellis was an Irish playwright with two hits in Ireland back to back in the 1930s before disappearing from the stage. Women Without Men (1938) is set in the teacher’s lounge , with walls of a “sickly green shade” in a private girls’ boarding school in Ireland, much like the one that the playwright attended. An eager young teacher, Miss Jean Wade (Emily Walton), becomes increasingly disillusioned after becoming subjected to the “trivial tortures” of her bickering, backbiting fellow teachers who resent her popularity with the students. The formidable Miss Connor (Kellie Overbey) becomes her principal nemesis, and accuses Miss Wade of stealing her life’s work. Miss Wade is baffled by the pettiness. But the usually cynical Miss Strong (Mary Bacon, who gets the cleverest repartee to deflate Miss Wade’s naivete) offers a straightforward explanation, a bit too on point: “Look at us. A small group of women all cooped up together with no release from each other save in the privacy of our bedrooms. Women brought together not by choice, not by liking, but by the necessity of earning our living.” If their lives are lonely and unfulfilled, the characters are vividly etched, and their interactions often amusing, in what is an ensemble piece that serves as a showcase for each actress. Miss Connor’s life work was putting together a tome entitled “The History of Beauty Throughout the Ages.” — delusional, perhaps, but also admirable, and heartbreaking, using the past to try to make up for the present.
Kristin Griffith as Mrs. Ollie Espenshade in The Fatal Weakness (1946)
George Kelly, the uncle of actress Grace Kelly, was a popular Broadway playwright and director in the 1920s, whose 1924 play “The Show Off” has been revived on Broadway a half dozen times (most recently in 1992) and whose 1925 play about a woman who destroys her marriage, “Craig’s Wife,” won the Pulitzer Prize for Drama. But he had long since lost favor with the public when he wrote his final Broadway play in 1946, “The Fatal Weakness,” also about a broken marriage, which lasted four months and had not appeared on a New York stage for nearly seven decades. Briskly directed by Jesse Marchese, with a seven-member cast that includes a couple of comic standouts, the Mint production is an entertaining comedy, up to a point.
At the outset, Mrs. Ollie Espenshade (Kristin Griffith) receives an anonymous letter in her drawing room that her husband of 28 years is having an affair. With the aid of her gossipy divorced friend Mrs. Mable Wentz (Cynthia Darlow, who gets most of the best lines, and does the most with them), Mrs. Espenshade spends much of the play trying to track down the truth of the accusation. A subplot concerns Mrs Espenshade’s daughter Penny (Victoria Mack) who has modern views on marriage that the playwright clearly views as cockamamie – “I refuse to take marriage seriously…it’s an experience that the majority of women should have. But… if it’s persisted in, it can become a habit.” Her attitude is causing a strain in her marriage to the breaking point.
A running joke in the play is that Mrs. Espenshade is such a romantic that she attends weddings of strangers, and winds up quite taken with the story of her husband’s affair with a plain woman doctor who grew up in an orphanage. I actually wish Kelly had run with this joke more, because the serious scenes feel artificial.
Mint Theater’s Summer Stock Streaming Festival: 3 Women-Centric Plays of Yore The Summer Stock Streaming Festival is a free triple feature online through July 19th from The Mint Theater, which has been unearthing forgotten old plays and making them shine for a quarter of a century.
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The Daily Tulip
The Daily Tulip – News From Around The World
Monday 20th August 2018
Good Morning Gentle Reader…. Are you ready to do battle for another week, I hope so... Heavy cloud rolled in yesterday and its thick this morning, no moon or stars to wax about today, the temperature has dropped, that's a plus, currently at 19c a 10 degree drop from the same time yesterday... and a breeze cool blowing in from the Atlantic.. Both Bella and I love it like this...and it makes the walk so enjoyable rather than the punishment we seemed to endure yesterday...... but for now Bella and I will head back to the house and get refreshments and I will type.....
CORNWALL MEN WHO SOLD £2M WORTH OF COUNTERFEIT GOODS SENTENCED…. A postmaster and his cousin imported and sold more than £2m of fake goods, including toys, musical instruments and car badges. Gregory Whitehead, 49, and William Lemoyne, 36, both admitted conspiring to sell counterfeit goods from a warehouse described as an "Aladdin's cave". At Truro Crown Court, Whitehead, of St Austell, was jailed for 32 months. Lemoyne, of Camborne, was given a suspended sentence. Judge Robert Linford said it was a "sophisticated, commercial, for profit operation", and warned them a proceeds of crime hearing will leave them as "ruined men". Cornwall Council said it was the largest counterfeiting investigation ever carried out by its trading standards team.
Prosecutor Alexander Greenwood told the court trading standards had searched a number of properties in February 2016.
Among these was a commercial building in Carbean Mill near St Austell that was described in court as an "Aladdin's cave" where they seized more than 90,000 items. These were predominantly car badges for brands that included Alfa Romeo, Volvo, Vauxhall, Honda, Volkswagen and Audi. The items had been imported from China, and sold on using eBay and Amazon using a number of bank accounts. Financial investigators estimated the total value of the infringing goods sold was more than £2m, while seized items were worth an estimated £250,000. Mr Greenwood said Whitehead, who has been suspended from his job at the post office in St Columb near Newquay, was "at the heart of a complex conspiracy to import counterfeit goods from China and sell them in the UK and abroad". Lemoyne was given a two-year prison sentence, suspended for two years.
NEWHAM LONDON POLICE ESCAPE: CHEERING ONLOOKERS CONDEMNED…. A police officer has condemned people who cheered a man escaping police after a confrontation which left two officers requiring hospital treatment. The incident on Romford Road, Newham, east London, was filmed and shared on social media with laughter and shouts of encouragement clearly audible.
But Supt Roy Smith described it as a "sad state of affairs". Two men have been arrested on suspicion of assault on police and possession of a firearm. The fight broke out after two officers stopped a "suspicious" car and carried out a search on Thursday afternoon. The men got out of the car and "a struggle ensued", the Met said. A female officer suffered a broken bone in her right hand and a male officer sustained ligament damage that needed surgery. Supt Smith tweeted it was "disappointing to see members of the public filming this and laughing at the officers". Det Supt Sean Yates said: "Acting on instinct when approaching a suspicious car, [the officers] were confronted with two aggressive men who have intimated that they were armed. "The officers put themselves in harm's way to protect the public and I would urge anyone with any information to come forward." One man, aged 25, was arrested at the scene on Romford Road, and a 23-year-old was arrested on Grantham Road following a search of nearby gardens.
No firearm has been recovered and a "search for it is ongoing", the Met said.
MAN RETURNS TO BANK HE ROBBED 60 YEARS AGO FOR CHAMPAGNE LUNCH…. In October 1958, a young Canadian bank teller walked away with C$260,958 from his employer's safe. Boyne Lester Johnston, 27, was on the run for 17 days before he was caught and sentenced to four years in prison. Sixty years later, he walked back into the bank in Ottawa, Canada, which has since been converted into a fancy restaurant. The reformed thief recalled the 1958 heist over a champagne lunch with staff. He walked away with about $2.2m in current Canadian dollars ($1.7m; £1.3m), launching a North America-wide manhunt. A $10,000 reward was offered for information leading to his arrest. Mr Johnston was caught by police in Denver, Colorado, as he sipped champagne at a nightclub bar, living up to the description on the wanted poster released at the time by Ottawa police. It read: "Neat dresser, nightclub habitue, a champagne drinker, enjoys female companionship." Alex McMahon, wine director at Ottawa's Riviera restaurant, told the BBC that staff at the eatery knew about the old heist. So when an online reservation came in noting the guest would be "bringing my friend back to the bank that he robbed", he said they all had a hunch who it might be. Mr Johnston and his friend enjoyed a meal last week over champagne cocktails. He told Mr McMahon that his time in jail had taught him to value his freedom. At Mr McMahon's request, Mr Johnston signed the wall of the wine cellar, which is located where the emptied bank vault once was. The one-time thief added his four-digit prisoner number next to his name.mThe former bank teller had stolen the money on a Friday, taking cash from out of the vault and hiding it around the premises. He returned after hours to collect his stash.
That Sunday, about 36 hours after the theft - and before the bank opened on Monday revealing an empty vault - he told his wife he was going hunting. He never returned, instead fleeing to the US and travelling to Detroit, Los Angeles, Salt Lake City, Utah and eventually, Denver. According to one newspaper report following his capture, he told the arresting officers that he stolen the money "because I had always wanted to know what it would be like to have all that money".
DR BUMBUM, BRAZIL COSMETIC SURGEON, CHARGED WITH MURDER…. A celebrity Brazilian cosmetic surgeon known as Dr Bumbum has been charged with murdering one of his patients. Dr Denis Furtado performed an operation on patient Lilian Calixto to enlarge her buttocks in his own flat, helped by his mother, girlfriend and maid. He used a far larger dose of a chemical than advisable during the procedure, the charge sheet said. Moreover, he was allegedly not registered to practice medicine in the state of Rio de Janeiro.
Dr Furtado is said to have carried out the procedure on Ms Calixto, a 46-year-old bank manager and mother-of-two, at his home in Rio de Janeiro last month - but she fell ill during the procedure. He then took her to a hospital where her condition worsened and she died some hours later, police said. Local media reported at the time that she arrived at the hospital suffering from an abnormally fast heart rate. The public prosecutor's office in Rio de Janeiro said the doctor "had attracted women with the false promise of quick and immediate beauty". He used 300ml of the substance PMMA - a synthetic resin also known as acrylic glass filler - during the procedure, the charge sheet said, "when it is recommended that it is used only in very small doses and in a restricted way". The Brazilian Plastic Surgery Society has warned against using PMMA for any aesthetic purposes. His flat meanwhile was prepared for surgery "in a very provisional and precarious way", which added to the risks. Moreover, while he was licensed to practice in the state of Goiás and in Brasilia, he was not licensed in Rio. His mother, Maria de Fátima Barros Furtado, also faces charges. She allegedly continued to practise medicine and operate with her son after her medical license was revoked. Dr Furtado had disappeared after the operation, but police caught him in July after four days on the run.
CHINA, TAIWAN AND A BAKERY: HOW A COFFEE SPARKED A DIPLOMATIC ROW…. A bakery in the US has found itself at the centre of a geopolitical storm by giving a coffee to Taiwan's president. The LA branch of Taiwanese-owned 85C Bakery Cafe gave the coffee, along with an enthusiastic welcome, to Tsai Ing-wen when she dropped in last Sunday. But many Chinese customers - who visit the chain's branches in mainland China - were furious, calling for a boycott. China regards Taiwan as part of its territory, and the Chinese public are often quick to jump on anything that is seen as endorsing Taiwanese independence. Warmly welcoming Ms Tsai, the leader of a pro-independence party, was seen as unacceptable. Yet, when the bakery chain tried some damage control, quickly putting out a statement distancing itself from pro-independence sentiments, it only sparked more anger - this time in Taiwan, where people accused the company of bowing to Chinese pressure.
Well Gentle Reader I hope you enjoyed our look at the news from around the world this, morning… …
Our Tulips today are perfection... do you expect anything else?
A Sincere Thank You for your company and Thank You for your likes and comments I love them and always try to reply, so please keep them coming, it's always good fun, As is my custom, I will go and get myself another mug of "Colombian" Coffee and wish you a safe Monday 20th August 2018 from my home on the southern coast of Spain, where the blue waters of the Alboran Sea washes the coast of Africa and Europe and the smell of the night blooming Jasmine and Honeysuckle fills the air…and a crazy old guy and his dog Bella go out for a walk at 4:00 am…on the streets of Estepona…
All good stuff....But remember it’s a dangerous world we live in
Be safe out there…
Robert McAngus
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