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dairy-farmer · 8 months

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Okay but hear me out. Tim is Ra’s pillow princess. Maybe Tim gave in during the time Bruce was lost in time or Tim has always been Dami’s grandmother. But a happy Ra’s/Tim and really, really jealous Bruce and batfam

!!!!!! tim is stressed and in mortal peril every other day while on his bruce quest and ra's has offered reprieve, resources, and...well the belief in tim's hunch. which makes him the most supportive person in tim's life at the moment so...tim's willing to overlook the whole 'evil megalomaniacal leader of a secret guild of assassins'. though honestly it's not all that hard.

if tim was still 13 and deeply into dungeons and dragons he would've absolutely swooned at ra's and his pretty accent and fancy capes.but baby tim is not running the show. tim is. and tim is only human...

he's under a lot of stress and trying to find bruce and trying to navigate all the weird power plays and politics in the league of assassins and ra's keeps going that thing where he comes up behind tim and rests his firm hands on tim's hips, bending his neck slightly and whispering lowly into tim's ear, the ghost of his beard caressing tim's sensitive neck. he's being seduced. that much is obvious. tim tries desperatly to work out what for- maybe this is part of some mind game, or some preparation for ammo to launch at bruce when he comes back and ra's is happily swiping at him like an allycat throwing hands with another fat-cheeked tomcat.

some kind of 'i saw your son's pussy' sort of trash talk.

tim's already in his hands so it's not like ra's has to lure tim even closer. much of what he could potentially want to manipulate tim for could just as easily be something accomplished by trying to bribe tim with some mashed potatoes and gravy and not that salad with a million seeds he insists on serving for dinner each night. 'it's good for your health' tim's ass he sounded like tim's grandma.

bruce quest is lonely. and isolating. tim finds himself yearning for companionship and company. and ra's fills the hole but....tim also desires...more.

it's no secret in the caped community that the bats have a tendency to....sample one another. it's just one of those quietly unacknowledged things.

sex is a decent and better coping mechanism than things like...drugs or alcohol. things that could seriously impair their judgement or health.

when it had just been him and bruce, bruce had needed a lot of comforting to help him curb the worst of his destructive habits and maybe there was something to be said reguarding to morality of bruce sleeping with a thirteen year old but it helped.

just like it helped dick when the pressure of nightwing and bludhaven came to be too much.

both dick and bruce had wanted active lovers. lovers who would distract them from their miserable lives by bouncing on their cocks and sweetly accepting every drop of their cum into their little wombs.

it wouldn't be an exaggeration to say that tim did all the work. and when you've just spent all night patrolling, are nursing bruises/ cuts and have to ride your brother/dad to completion so they don't have nightmares?

it's a lot. so tim isn't a huge fan of sex. but it does feel nice. and the warmth and connection does a lot to deepen bonds and help tim forget his own world of problems.

so when ra's finally propositions him- tim doesn't hesitate to accept.

however it's with a caveat.

ra's does all the work.

tim is tired. mentally and emotionally exhausted and if ra's want to fuck him well then tim gets to just lay there, look pretty and take it.

tim tells ra's as much and gets a darkened look of desire in return.

apparently ra's would love nothing more than to show tim what centuries of experience have taught him. ra's loves the sight of tim being a sweetly gasping and squirming thing, little body so unsure about what to do with all he pleasure flowing through him as ra's gently but surely fucks him through another orgasm- his cock pressing all the way into the opening of tim's womb while fingers decorated with gold rings and jewls toy with tim's little clit that ra's calls adorable.

tim doesn't leave ra's chambers for three days. they only leave because of urgent matters ra's wants to deal with and even then they just take their business out to the office ra's operates out of.

ra's talks to shadows in some coded tongue while having tim seated in his lap and plugged with his cock, his hands holding onto tim's hips and working him up and down until he's shaking from another orgasm.

it's not an exaggeration to say that ra's gives tim the best sex of his life while tim just lays there and takes it.

even when bruce is finally recovered from being lost in time tim's not even there to see it becuase he's too busy getting fucked stupid by ra's.

tim's also pretty sure ra's had some plan to screw over gotham and tim but that appears to have been scrapped in favor of getting unrestricted and free access to tim's cunt whenever he wants.

of course the bats go on red alert when ra's is spotted at gotham airport but until he does something they're forced to just monitor. which is how they find out about ra's and tim regularly meeting at hotels to fuck (not tim's nest because tim wasn't stupid like ra's because tim had entire hard drives of ra's many bases that he would blow up in a heartbeat if ra's broke up with him).

bruce, dick, and the rest of the bats all insist that tim should break up with ra's. but tim has decided the reward is well worth the risk. besides how is this any different from bruce with selina or any other cape having affairs with a rogue?

they're not happy. tim can tell his family is deeply unhappy with his decision. but either way tim gets wonderfully fucked and he doesn't have to lift a finger for it.

#answered asks #asks #anonymous #rastim

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starshipsofstarlord · 3 years

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There was a Girl...

Pairing | Jace Wayland x reader

Summary | When Clary becomes a shadowhunter, she notices how cold and ruthless Jace is. Every one seems to relate to his pain, not resonating at quite the same level. They’re all mourning nevertheless.

Warnings | Mentions of death, brief smut (handjob), angst, heartbreak, unrequited feelings (for Clary)

Requested ✖️

Quick link to my masterlist, if you’re interested in reading more of my crap 😬

Opening your eyes, you awoke to Jace's chest, his blonde hair falling over his face. You preferred how it looked when it was a little bit scruffy instead of slicked back, and you reached for one of the hanging strands. They were like seams of gold, reflecting from the light that hid within him.

Most people had the wrong perspective on the young man, they only saw a well skilled shadow hunter. But they ignored the smart and witty, yet simultaneously charming person that he was underneath all of his runes. His parabatai Alec was familiar with the set of abilities that his brother figure had, and all that he would accomplish. People thought, because of Jace’s distorted, and confusing past, that he was just another warrior to serve whatever institute that he was sent to.

But in fact, he was not. His duty would always be, to put his family and friends first. He liked to put you on the top of the list, but you always felt the need to scrap that idea, claiming that you could not be his priority from start to finish. It was as though you knew what you future held for you, and how indeed, he could not manage to protect every person that he cared about. The prospect was a great responsibility, far too much for one shadow hunter, even if they be among the best of their kind.

To put such a weight on your own shoulders was defiantly cruel, it would always end in failure, no matter what was done to prevent said downfall. There was never a possibility of saving everyone, that was insanity. The monsters had to kill, in order for you all to remain outside of Idris, and continue on with your heaven sent duty.

“Jace?” You could tell he was awake from how he smiled at the sound of your voice. “Come on.” It was an attempt to encourage him, but you were quick to realise that it wasn’t working. He didn’t like mornings all that much, for good reason too, after all you were shadowhunters.

“Jace.” Your voice became louder and clearer, up to the point where it no longer sounded like your own. He looked away from the screen, to see the new girl watching him. She had an expectant glaze to her green eyes, which were much different from the shield that was covering his own. His pools were surrounded by a shadow of grief, pulling down the entirety of his face to the point where it looked as though he no longer wanted to live.

And that wasn’t entirely incorrect, he struggled at life, often never finding a moment of happiness, and if he did, then he would paint a smile upon his face and wear it to satisfy everyone else around. He had tried to cope with the loss that burdened his heart so gravely, yet nothing made it feel okay. You’d want him to move on, whether it be to lose his vengeful esteem concerning your passing, or find someone else to confide in late at night, to stay up with talking as his head rested upon the pillow, that he needed to wash, so it didn’t smell like you.

Or even, if not to share a bed with this new person, your overall plan as you sat with the angels above would be to find some kind of peace. But that appeared to be the last thing that he wanted as he digitally scoured the city of New York for monsters to uncover, and kill. If he couldn’t protect you, the love of his life, then he would settle for doing so with humans, after all, that had been the way that you had gone. The job had been your passion, yet simultaneously your downfall, and he’d be fine if one of these days he failed to tackle a beast, and it got to him first.

“Clary.” He greeted her, wanting to remove a dangerous monster from the streets by decapitating it. In memory, he would use your favourite blade, spilling blood upon its glowing stake to keep your legacy continuing, although, it did not do much but serve to release Jace’s frustrations. It was a day in which he wanted to speak to nobody, have nobody following him, nor asking him mundane questions about what it meant to be a shadowhunter. Hell, he didn’t even know! To him, the lifestyle was nothing more than accommodated anguish, though, he had been told not to promote it using those words, otherwise, there wouldn’t exactly be many people lining up to join the adverse fight.

And one of the people that he had in mind concerning excitement over a dire and ‘exciting’ lifestyle was Clary. She was naive, and whilst she didn’t know everything, today wasn’t particularly the day in which he wished to explain it to her. It, being predominantly anything. Whilst he had managed to be nice to her during the first few days, it was out of courtesy, considering Alec had an instant distaste towards the wide eyed redhead; he wasn’t sure why, but he supposed that Clary could see a detail of himself that was hidden from the others.

However, even through Jace’s welcoming exterior, was in pain. The feeling tormented him, denying him a break from the patronising pressure, leaving him to hold blame to nobody but himself. The hurt was cemented into his eyes, reflecting as he watched all other tragedies with a stone cold expressions, them hardly affecting him, because he had and was experiencing the worst routine of torture that was possible to him. He had watched you die, and nothing could take those horrific memories from him, no matter how much he wanted them gone.

That was the last time that he saw you. When you passed in his arms, a large wound in your abdomen pouring out with blood, drowning his desperate hands as he tried his utmost to put pressure on the life threatening injury. He wanted to save you but he didn’t know how, his training had always claimed that killing the monsters was more important than saving the life of a shadowhunter from an unknown bloodline. There had been nothing to prepare him for that day in the field, he was a fighter, and taught to be so, not a healer; he wasn’t a medic, he was just a warrior. “What do you want?” Blatantly fell from his round lips as he cast an eye towards the newbie, unimpressed by her timing, or her presence at all.

Clearly, she hadn’t received the memo to leave him be, especially today out of all the rest. Alec, having the personalised intel as to why Jace was emitting a solitary rut understood why he wished to be alone, and respected the space, granting him as much time to himself as he wanted. And whilst Alec was your friend also, he could feel the deep longing that was stabbing his parabatai in the chest, and it killed him too. Your death had been so unexpected, and now without you, there was a void within the institute. And the archer felt as though Clary was trying to fill it, and he saw that as nothing more than disrespect, though she was probably ignorant to the history that wandered the halls.

Her face revelled back at his tone, but nevertheless she continued on with her prying. “I was wondering if I could join you on the hunt, I’m getting better, Izzy even said so.” Jace refrained from rolling his eyes, and contained the feeling that was trying to burst out of his chest. It was anger, directed at everyone that was still alive, including himself. There was no fairness in it, to say that he was sad was an understatement, he was eternally devastated, the death of you had broken him, crumbled him into a figure that he no longer recognised.

“No, you can’t Clary.” He dismissed her, walking away, and going to grab his seraph so that he could hunt this sucker down, and bring upon the same kind of pain to its family as its kind had down to him. God, did you look badass as you swung it, and the thought alone had tears resonating in his unmatched eyes, thinking of how it was the last relic that remained of you.

Walking casually into the armoury, Jace had his hands prized in the depths of his pockets, as his expert and quick fleeting eyes focalised on you, and the weapon within your hold. Your body leant in harmony with the blade, the sound of it woosh-img in the air satisfying to all that could hear; that being only you and the Wayland boy.

“Can i not train in peace?” You groaned, lowering the blade whence you realised that you were being watched. The eyes trailed up your side where your shirt had ridden up, raking over the rune that you had drew upon your skin only this morning. A light laugh fell from Jace’s lips as he stalked forward, taking your seraph out of your hand, and going to lob it upon the ground, but the stern look in your eyes stopped him. Instead, against his nature, he placed it down as though it were made of glass, and rose to stand before you once more.

“Not when you look that good.” The blonde retorted with a sly smirk, sliding his hands up the sides of your hips, finding absolute solace in the feel of your skin. He could be against you forever, and he would not complain, so long as it did last for such a time. “Makes me want to do things to you y/n y/l/n. Terrible things. What would the heads think?” He asked, in reference to those that were in charge of the institute.

Stifling down remarked laughter at his sensually intended words, you raised your forefinger to the space above his brows, and poked him with enough pressure, so that he would pay attention to the notion. “That you’re not thinking with your own.” You went to cross your arms, but instead, Jace grabbed them, moving down to cast his hand over your own.

“Oh, I’m not.” The shadowhunter confirmed, placing your hand upon the crotch of his sweats, applying enough force behind his grip so that you could feel him twitching. “I am indeed having thoughts from elsewhere, would you like to see my sweet?” Licking your lips, you nodded, watching as he peeled the layer away, wrapping your hand around his base, and giving him a few jerks, feeling his pulse race through his cock.

“Tell me more about what you’re thinking my love.” You bit your bottom lip, fluttering your eyelashes up at him, only to reverberate a groan from the blonde male. He panted as your pace quickened, and he was almost certain that he was going to spray his jizz all over the floor if you did not uphold your sexual administrations. His head leant back, as pleasured sounds broke through the clenching of his teeth.

And then, it all stopped as a voice, dressed in absolute disgust, written over with unmotivated shock, interrupted your little exchange. “Really guys, this is a gym, not your damned bedroom. The two of you really are disgusting!” It was Alec, and he cringed at the fact that he had seen his best friend’s cock being stroked in your grasp. Yeah, he wasn’t going to be training today, or at least, not in the asserted place for it.

“Clary.” Izzy called her name, wearing a short lived smile. Whence she studied the expression of the redhead, she was quick to pay attention to the disappointment upon her face. There was confusion laddered in her skin, masking it with creased that made her look worried all at the same time. “What happened?” The Lightwood woman asked concerned, bracing a hand upon said girl’s shoulder.

“Jace snapped at me.” The newcomer informed her, frowning at the prospect, and then after all that, he had stormed off, as though she didn’t even matter. She felt well and truly rejected, like a newspaper that had been tossed in the street, and ending up in a horrible puddle. “I thought he might have liked me, but his attitude says otherwise.”

Izzy twitched her nose; she knew what day it was. There was no way to break it to Clary easy that Jace had no amorous emotions towards her, and so instead of being blunt with the new resident at the institute, she decided to tell the woman a story. “There was a girl...” she began, knowing that after all was explained, that Clary would understand.

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prime-pulse · 3 years

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how about 2, 14, 15, 32, 34, and 45?

WAAA thank you for the ask !!!! Let me answer all of these :]

2. How did they decorate and structure Skyhold?

Edric personally saw more value in building a mage tower and new medical center when upgrading Skyhold; everyone fought well and they had way more mage recruits than they did anyone else, so it only made sense, especially with the “medical center” at the time being just a few tents laid on dirt.

When it came to DECORATING Skyhold, though, he mainly let Josephine, Dorian, and Vivienne guide him (except when it came to choosing the throne), because he trusts them to make better choices when it comes to design WAY more than himself. His happy little contribution was choosing the most plain and simple throne he could— which is a bit of a sore thumb compared to the Free March styled windows, Orlaisean decor, and Inquisition banners.

14. Who is their favourite and most trusted advisor?

Josephine, 100%. He would not hesitate in telling you this. Though after realizing how quickly he answered, he would beg you not to tell Cullen or Leliana. Though he values all of his advisors an incredible amount, he couldn’t have accomplished all the Inquisition has without them, Josephine is the only one he can really sit back with and just /talk/ to— whether it be gossip, engaging stories from their pasts, or just discussing future banquet plans.

He personally feels like he almost has to parent Cullen and Leliana when it comes to their sometimes brash methodology— which, of course, he doesn’t mind doing, but he enjoys how Josephine almost always tries to find the peaceful solution to a problem and how she always humors his ideas, even if they aren’t necessarily… Good ideas.

15. Out of the followers/companions, who are they most comfortable around?

Edric is comfortable around almost all of his companions (save for Vivienne, who he is still relatively comfortable around, she just intimidates him more than anything), but for who he’s /most/ comfortable around I think would be a three-way tie between Dorian, The Iron Bull, and Solas— which is a REALLY weird tie now that I think about it?? Apologies if these next few parts don’t make sense I’m going to just pour out my feelings

With Dorian, Edric doesn’t feel pressured to hide really anything about himself. He feels confident around him, he doesn’t feel like he doesn’t know what to do with himself and he doesn’t feel compelled to hide his nervous ticks around him. He loves to joke with him, he loves to gossip, he loves the way they can just talk and none of it feels weird. He feels comfortable talking about things he’s never spoken about before with Dorian, he feels safe to share his (sometimes nonsensical) worries and doubts with him, and he also feels safe enough to express annoyances and grievances with other people to Dorian because he knows Dorian feels safe and comfortable enough to do the same with him!! Edric has never really felt that comfortable around someone before, comfortable enough to have his back turned to them and not expect anything to happen, and he loves being able to feel that comfortable around him. Dorian keeps him grounded when he needs it, and Edric keeps Dorian grounded when he needs it.

With Bull, Edric feels relatively the same way but in a more platonic sense. Bull is very jokey and lighthearted, but he can be blunt and serious when he has to be. Edric likes to bounce battle plans off of Bull, or just plans in general, because Bull has a very calculated mind. Edric likes to come to the tavern and share drinks with Bull on occasion because Bull is not only fun to be around, but because he trusts Bull enough to let his guard down and have fun with him. He loves listening to Bull ramble on and on about the Chargers; missions they’ve had, embarrassing stories, etc. and telling Bull his own stories from when he was still in the Carta. He feels like Bull and him have lead similar enough lives for them both to be able to just sort of understand one another. Also, Bull is a good person to go to when you need to see if a pun you want to start using makes sense.

And lastly, with Solas, Edric finds himself comfortable with him because they both have a similar nature— at least, he did find himself comfortable with him before he ran off. (I haven’t done Trespasser yet, so he doesn’t know about the whole… Dread Wolf thing yet.) They used to sit together for hours in Solas’ study, working through ancient scripts and piecing together puzzles and contraptions Edric found during his adventures. They enjoyed bouncing theories off of one another when it came to magic and the fade, despite Edric not being very experienced in either. Edric felt comfortable enough around him to, like Bull & Dorian, voice his nonsensical concerns and worries to Solas; who would almost always give a solution in a very blunt but kind way. He always appreciated Solas listening to him, and he always loved listening to Solas’ stories. But, now, in recent times, Edric’s starting to see a lot of those stories… Don’t all make sense. It makes him worry.

32. Who did they leave in the Fade, and why?

Edric left Stroud in the Fade. He didn’t have much time to think; he was angry, he was tired, he was afraid and everything around him felt like it was spinning the entire time. He could barely think clearly, but he tried his best to put himself in both Stroud and Kariyan (my Hawke)’s shoes. Both wanted to be left behind, to fix some mistake they both felt responsible for, but Edric decided to let Stroud stay behind. Though it sounds harsh, he figured Hawke had more stories to tell— He was needed in places already; Varric needed him, that Anders fellow he’d briefly heard of needed him, he had a brother in the Wardens who needed him, and Mages who still needed his support. He himself may have been ready to give his life to help, but the world wasn’t ready. Stroud couldn’t do what Hawke would be needed to do.

Edric isn’t happy about the outcome at all, but he can’t rationalize an outcome that would make him happy given the situation. He holds out hope Stroud is somehow still alive and surviving in the Fade, and maybe they’ll be able to save him one day.

34. How do they cope with the stress of being Inquisitor?

Edric doesn’t cope with it very well at all. He tends to overwork himself constantly, with him almost never able to say no to a person in need and being the head of the Inquisition he always has a lot to do. He used to, every other week or so, either lock himself up in his room for a straight two days or would suddenly disappear from Skyhold for a few hours just to be by himself and try to clear his head (doing the latter more often). This of course would cause more chaos and panic for him to return to, the inquisitor being gone without so much as a trace for hours on end, then he’d have to deal with being scolded by pretty much every one of his advisors and a few of his companions.

After those methods didn’t work, he’d try to stay up for as long as he could to complete as much work as possible so he could maybe have a few reasonable days off without feeling too bad about it. Usually, that'd end up with him falling asleep at his desk multiple times and being too tired to actually carry out his work, so he stopped doing that as well.

Recently, however, he’s taken to knitting, reading, or beating the absolute shit out of training dummies depending on how stressed he’s feeling. They’re all definitely way better than what he’d been doing, so it works out for everyone.

45. What is their most and least favourite place to explore? Why?

Edric hates the deep roads. Hates them. Absolutely despises them. Every time he has to go and explore them, he’s stressed and a bit peeved almost the entire time. He’s cranky, the whole place smells like death and mold, there’s darkspawn everywhere, and the fumes from the occasional lava pool make his head hurt. If he had the ability to, he would personally seal up every entrance to the Deep Roads himself. But he can’t, so he just tried to avoid them as much as possible.

His favorite place, though, definitely has to be either The Emerald Graves. He loves the plant life and the general atmosphere. Sometimes he likes to go there himself or with a few of his companions, not to do anything necessarily important, but just sit and maybe have a picnic. He would especially love to go there while it’s raining, just to hear the sound of the rain hitting all the leaves and the sound of the rivers overflowing. He finds the place peaceful (when there’s not a giant chasing him, anyway).

#Dai #Da:i #dragon age inquisition #OC: Edric Bonehunter #(Mentioned:)#Dorian Pavus #The Iron Bull #Solas #josephine montilyet #dragon age leliana #cullen rutherford #asks

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eloarei · 3 years

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A little rambling: on grief; and grieving a dog, a cat, an unborn child, and pieces of me that got hurt along the way.

2300 words under the cut.

It’s a very gloomy day today. I don’t usually mind; I like rain. But on a bad day, or a bad week, it only seems to insulate me in my own dark thoughts. That’s what today seems to be. I’ll work on fixing it later-- getting some exercise, sunlight if the clouds clear, making some tea. Should’ve done that already, but I forgot. Ate half a banana, at least.

As I’ve complained about a few times lately, I’ve just not been doing especially well. When and why did it all start? It’s hard to say, but this ‘unwellness’ spell seems most potent starting April 11th (my anniversary, unfortunately, which is why I can remember it), when I came down with a gruesome stomach bug. Really haven’t been feeling right since. I’m really bad about being sick; it scares me and I handle it badly. I assume that’s part of what has messed me up.

But grief is the other part, I think. Grief, and my being scared and worried that what caused it could strike again at any minute. Look, I’m... 32 now, and I’m sure that most people by this age have experienced profound loss. I’m probably not unusual, and I’m certainly not alone, but I think all the loss I’ve experienced is just piling up on me now, like there wasn’t enough time to process the new fresh ones before newer fresher ones came on, and so now even the old tough scars are aching.

When I was a teenager, my parents died. They were old, and it was health problems. It was not a surprise, but that didn’t make it easier to deal with in freshman year of high school. (What made it easier to deal with? Rabidly cleaning out the fridge and watching Lord of the Rings tapes the neighbors lent me. That’s all I did for three days after my mom died.) It’s been a long time-- more than half my life ago-- and I do feel like I’m ‘over it’, but sometimes it just wells up, tears from nowhere. Maybe that’s just how grief is.

A certainly had a good decade of my 20′s. I got married at 19, and had a pretty uneventful set of years. That felt normal to me. I do think, though, that the loss of my parents haunted me in that time, quietly. It influenced everything I did; it probably still does, if only because it changed the person I have become. But other than that, things were good, I think. My dog Roxy died two years ago, when I was 30, not long after I got back from seeing my siblings for the first time in ages. She was violently ill, and died right in front of us as we were getting ready to take her to the vet. I think I’ve written about it. In fact, the next day I wrote a depressing fanfic piece, certainly as a coping mechanism. (It made people cry, so, mission accomplished, I guess.) I think that helped a lot. A few months later, my in-laws’ dog died too, while mom-in-law was on vacation, and that was rough as well. I wrote another sad fanfic about death. I really like both of these pieces, because they mean something, and they’re very raw. Furthermore, I’ll always have them, as tokens for Roxy, Ginger, and the little pieces of me they crushed when they died. I don’t know if the exchange is worth it, but it’s what I have.

My grief over Roxy was gentle, as time went on. It didn’t bother me. I think I’d processed it well. I’d written out my feelings. I held her body in numb arms as my husband dug her grave. It was okay.

In early 2020, basically on my 31st birthday (and right as Covid was happening), I found I was pregnant. Long story short, those were the densest two months of my life, where everything seemed to change so quickly. My thoughts and feelings could fill so very many pages; this is not the place I’ll leave them. The point of this particular story is that it didn’t work out. The baby ‘died’ not terribly unlike Roxy had-- violently ill, in front of me, with far too much blood. I passed out three times-- the real start of this current fearful nature, because I cannot overstate how very much I felt like I was going to die. I went to the ER; it was miserable, an ordeal I could say quite a lot about. I won’t, though. I have before, and I likely will again, elsewhere.

This... This grief... I think I still don’t know what to do with it. I don’t think I ever will. Months later, I started writing a fic to deal with my feelings, though it took 90k words and many months before I got to the part where I could really delve into my trauma. And it has helped, I’m sure. I’m really sure. And I care about this fic so much, because like the others it is raw and real and it’s something I’d never have if not for my experience. Again, it may not be a fair trade, but it’s what I have.

I don’t grieve for the baby. It didn’t make it far enough to even have a heartbeat. It doesn’t have a name, a gender. It doesn’t have a grave. We let the hospital take care of it. But I still grieve. I’m sad. Wrecked. I grieve what it could have been. I grieve the hope that was spent and lost on it, a precious resource that will take a long time to grow back, if ever. I grieve over not only my own disappointment, but my husband’s, and my in-laws. They’ve never pressured us to have kids, but they’re in their 60′s now, with no grandchildren. I think they feel... lacking, in a way. I understand. I feel the same (though different). I wanted to give them that. I wanted to have that.

I still....?

I can’t say. I don’t know what I want. The event complicated my already complex emotions. I’m still waiting for them to simplify. Maybe they will, or maybe they won’t.

I was alright for a while. Stressed enough because of Covid and family’s declining health. Then in early April 2021, just a year after the miscarriage, I got badly sick. Gross, but not what most people would call a real issue. But only a year after the miscarriage, when my body betrayed me and I was at its horrid mercy, this felt like too much. Again I felt like I was going to die. A week of near delirious fever and nausea; I’d have handled it badly enough in any other circumstance.

As expected, I got through it. A horrible week, but just a week (or so). And then my dog Tobi died, just days later.

This is it. This is the one I... I’m speechless about. The one I... maybe haven’t processed enough. I was just back from the edge of being badly, violently ill. I didn’t have the energy to write, physically or emotionally. And that just made it worse. I love writing. It’s my outlet (surprising, I’m sure). I wanted to write. I thought I ought to write. I needed to write. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t muster the words. I still... can’t.

Tobi was... my baby. Not literally, of course. I didn’t conflate him with my lost child or anything. Tobi was 14. I’d had him since I graduated high school and got an apartment. Adopting him was one of the first things my husband and I did as an established adult couple, before we were even married. He was there, at my wedding. The photographer took a cute picture of me holding him before the ceremony. He was 11 months old at the time. Still had all his brown spots before they turned tan, then later white. He was there; he was always there. He was my entire adult life. And now I’ve lost him, the pup I had longer than my marriage (though soon we will outlast him). He was the big brother to all my other pets. He practically raised all the cats, and they adored him. (Tobi was a chihuahua, so they might have thought he was just another cat.)

He was a sweet boy, who loved his mom and dad first and foremost. When he was little, he was scared of everyone else. Eventually he warmed up to strangers and friends, and in his old age he mostly liked to nap somewhere on his own. He was silly and playful; he always chased the cats when they wanted to be chased. It was a game they all loved.

The vet... well, we took him in when he started to cough badly. He’d had a cough for a few months, but it wasn’t constant and didn’t seem to be affecting his quality of life much. But that day it was bad, so we took him. (We can’t afford frequent vet visits, so this was clearly desperate.) The vet took him and put him on oxygen. We had to stay in the car because they weren’t open for human guests. Then she came and told us a scan had revealed cancer, marbled through his lungs. He was suffocating. In fact, he wouldn’t likely even make it home, not even the two mile drive. We had to put him down. My husband and I cried like babies. We’d never put an animal down before. Generally speaking, we don’t really ‘believe in it’, if that makes sense. But faced with this situation, we had no choice.

I didn’t see him again. I think that’s the worst part, though it would have been equally bad to see him, I think. And it was all so sudden. He was playing and chasing the cats the day before. Begging for treats of human food. Barking at the Roomba. And then I had to pay hundreds of dollars to say goodbye to him. It felt so unfair. I cried all day. My husband and I, we just went home and laid down and wept.

But I still haven’t written about it, not in the way that I wrote about the others. For all that I wrote here, it doesn’t begin to encompass my deeper feelings on what it means that he is gone, and how I felt to have to make that decision. I have ideas. I think I know what I would write, if I could, but writing... still mostly eludes me. I may try. I probably should.

I take a deep breath. I know I should sum this up and take care of myself, but there’s yet a little more to say.

I think Tobi’s death is a large part of what affects me still, but several weeks ago I had what I could only call a panic attack. In the middle of the night I awoke, my heart beating rapidly, a horrible feeling of dread like certainty that all I could possibly do was die. It took over two days for me to feel mostly normal again, and then I still felt vaguely nauseous for two weeks. Then, just a few days ago, it happened again, but this time before bed. I could feel it rising in me, this indescribable sickness. It took several days ago before I felt normal. And this is where I am now.

Sadly, a little while after the first panic attack, my husband and I failed to save a malnourished feral kitten. It was not a surprise, but yet one more reminder of the fragility of life, and how little I can do to keep death away from those I care about. This poor thing, it was so desperate to live, but nothing we could do could save it. I could have poured all my time into trying, could have scrounged up money to take it to the vet (when I should take my own cats, who all have colds), but I know better. I know... so much of the time, there’s nothing you can do. And now I’m trying to help what might be its siblings, a few cute feral kittens nearby. My favorite seems... a little lethargic, and not very interested in eating the wet food and meat scraps I sometimes bring by. I don’t think there’s anything I can do, if it ends up being sick, if it ends up being malnourished. I can’t bring it inside when it could infect my own cats. I have to care for them first.

But knowing that it could die... it bothers me.

And knowing that I could die. I could die. I’m too aware of that, on top of everything else. I hate doctors, so I never go. (Also I’m poor.) This toothache? Could be a terrible abscess. My brother went to the ER for sepsis from an abscess tooth recently! That’s probably what caused the panic, to be honest. But then... why have I felt so week? Is there a problem with my blood? Am I sicker than I know? Do I have breast cancer? My grandma did, and I know I should get it checked out, but it’s just ONE MORE THING. It’s always like that.

And that’s... how I feel right now. Covered in ‘one more thing’s on rainy days and night-work schedules. Trying to take care of myself but not always knowing what that means. Lacking the inspiration to do the things I know I enjoy, because worry and apathy holds me back from everything.

I’m okay. Really. No day of mine is ever entirely without merit, and I have plans to do most of the things that should keep me healthy. But the day is short when my needs and long, and the day is long when I’m paralyzed by apathy.

So. I’ll just take it a moment at a time. And when I can, I’ll try to keep writing.

#elo talks #long post #personal but ok to interact

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argentdandelion · 3 years

Text

How To Get Your Number Down to Zero (Part 3 of 3)

How to Achieve Emotional Growth

Emotional Vulnerability

In contrast, Simon and, initially, Amelia are limited in their emotional expressions around others, especially in their sadness. Amelia seems to disapprove of crying: she mockingly tells Tulip to not cry. When Simon cries in the “We won’t tell Simon” memory reveal scene, he cries silently while everyone is asleep. Though deeply upset in Le Chat Chalet, he doesn’t cry; his responses are largely anger and obvious frustration. The one time he cries when others might be able to see him is after he seemingly kills Grace. He laughs evilly, cries within seconds, and tries to laugh it off while pressing his hands over his ears, as if trying to block something out (a conscience, perhaps). Indeed, though Simon was baffled, frustrated, and angered at Grace’s sudden changes in behavior, he didn’t confront her about it with anything but bafflement, frustration, and anger, when he confronted her at all.

Later in “Vulnerability: The Key to Better Relationships”, Mark Manson states: “And it’s a shining example of vulnerability because you’re saying “I have a problem. I’m not perfect, but that’s okay. I can deal with it, and I will deal with it.” In a scene set seven months after she either enters or leaves the train, Tulip says she’s “ready for anything”, suggesting Mark Manson’s words characterize a successful passenger. In contrast, Mark Manson’s words certainly do not describe Simon; he rarely admitted he had a “problem”.

Discarding of Concepts, Desires, or Motives

It seems passengers can get their numbers to 0 by letting go, giving up, moving on, or otherwise no longer caring about or being badly affected by a particular issue the memory tapes suggest is highly important. Passengers who could do that eventually got their numbers to zero, while those who didn’t, Amelia and Simon, ended up, respectively, still trapped and maxed-out (and dead).

However, it’s hard to determine letting go, giving up, moving on, or otherwise no longer caring about an issue is the cause for all instances of numbers going down. Indeed, if one thinks of Jesse’s issue as “caring too much about what others think of him/trying to be friends with everyone”, he got his number to zero by caring: actions motivated by caring about Lake. When Jesse confidently, even aggressively, rejects Simon's attempt to soothe him and downplay what was happening, shows a spine in the face of peer pressure from the “cool kids”, and tells Lake “I got you. We’re getting out of here”, his number goes from 22 to 0, and it’s unclear which action did this or how much of an effect each action had.

Re-Evaluation

Successful passengers re-evaluate their beliefs, values, perspectives, perceptions, or behavior. Tulip had the self-awareness to realize she had distorted her own memories to show her life pre-divorce as entirely happy, Jesse re-evaluated the cool kids that put his brother in a dangerous man test, and Grace came to realize that denizens were people, causing much of her Apex beliefs to collapse.

Amelia apparently got her number so high by repeating the same maladaptive coping mechanism over and over for 33 years: she “ran away” from adapting to a life without Alrick. She says “there’s a hole in the universe where Alrick used to be”, but it seems that for 33 years, she didn’t try to patch over that hole with anything but a perfect recreation of her life before the train.

In contrast to Tulip, who realized she was wrong about how she thought about her parents’ divorce, Simon never admitted he was wrong. (Him telling Grace “You were right not to trust [Amelia]!” aside) He did not even quietly re-evaluate or discard his Apex beliefs and beliefs about numbers, despite repeatedly facing evidence it was wrong and seeing all the harm it had accomplished. In a way, he “ran away” from his problems and denied most of his problems even existed, with the notable exception of his relationship problems with Grace. Furthermore, the rarity of him confronting his trauma, turmoil or insecurities trapped Simon in a dogmatic and aggressive spiral until his number maxed out and he, briefly, became unhinged from the weight of his actions until he was killed.

Specific Actions

It’s hard to tell if there are any standardized actions of getting one’s number down by a certain value or percentage of the whole, even for the same passenger.

Although “kicking the toad” (in The Toad Car) clearly has a value of 5 for Jesse (29 changes to 34), his number seems to go up by 2 (29 to 31) when Alan Dracula strongly kicks the toad, and it seems to go up by only 1 when he halfheartedly kicks a cube in “The Mall Car”. It’s possible “letting the toad go free” brought Jesse’s number down by 17, or by more than half its original number. But the preceding sequence wasn’t just letting the toad go free: Jesse freed the toad to ensure he, M.T., and Alan Dracula could escape the Flecs, since The Toad Car required kicking the toad to leave the car. The real number-lowering reason could have been “stick with Lake and help her out, even knowing she broke Mirror Law and has been lying about her history”, letting the toad go free to ensure he and his friends could escape was just the particular way he carried that out.

Tulip’s journey also supports the idea the amount a number drops is context-specific or largely unpredictable. Tulip’s number goes down when she recalls a happy memory with her dad, but being in her tape, which was full of happy memories with her parents (both true and false ones) didn’t bring her number down until she confronted the false memories. Notably, she had tweaked the particulars of the happy memory of fixing go-karts with her dad to support her idea of "work first, play later", and her number only goes down when she acknowledges parts of her memories which don't fit that idea."

People's numbers might be dependent on other people, in the sense of close relationships with others. Certainly, passenger-denizen interaction can lower a number (see Grace with Hazel and Tuba), but so can passenger-passenger interaction. For example, in the “Hey Ho Whoa” car, when Amelia said she didn’t really want to ask for help, but really appreciated Grace’s cooperation, her number went down by at least three digits.

Complicating things, there are times when number responses seem to have a time delay. When the freed toad leaves Jesse in “The Toad Car”, Jesse’s number goes from 31 to 14 instantly. Jesse’s number goes from 22 to 0 after a sequence where he confidently (even aggressively) rejects Simon's attempt to soothe him and downplay what was happening, shows a spine in the face of peer pressure from the “cool kids”, and tells M.T. “I got you. We’re getting out of here.” It’s possible he did several number-lowering things that could have been counted separately, or a single very number-lowering thing with a time delay.

It’s possible a number only goes down if an action, thought or belief “sinks in” or if passengers are aware of what they’re doing. When Tulip tells Amelia she can still bring her number down, Amelia's number goes down before she even speaks, therefore suggesting even thinking in the right direction can get someone's number down.

#Infinity Train #Meta #Analysis #Amelia Hughes #Jesse Cosay #Grace Monroe #Simon Laurent #Tulip Olsen #How to Get Your Number Down to Zero

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angelsfwrites · 4 years

Text

FIRECRACKERS AND TANTRUMS | KYLO REN

This prompt was requested by @thefandomnetworkingchannel-32 :

I hope you enjoy, luv xx !!!!!

FIRECRACKERS AND TANTRUMS

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KYLO REN X READER

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WARNINGS: Toxic relationships, violent behavior, abusive situations, light choking, explicit kissing, manipulation, and unhealthy coping mechanisms. Please, proceed with caution !

PRANKS had been a staple in your relationship with Kylo Ren, even if they were seriously one-sided. Kylo never reciprocated the pranks; you seriously doubted that he ever would. Nonetheless, he endured them for you and Hux always had fun gathering the materials. Any chance to see Kylo unraveled, Hux definitely took.

The pranks thus far had been simple, small ones- only requiring small materials like water, whoopie cushions, or shock buzzers. Normally, you never felt like pushing to see how far Kylo would let you go but Hux had convinced you this would be a good idea. Regardless, you were always the one to deal with the fallout of every prank and, as far as you know, Kylo hadn’t said a word to your more dangerous counterpart.

Firecrackers were what you were supplied with this time and, honestly, you felt a bit wary about using them. They were loud and very obvious, he was sure to notice them as soon as he walked up to the door.

You had just finished tying a bunch of them to the top of the door- each rigged in a way so that they would go off as soon as the door opened. You inspected your work with a close eye, trying to see if there were any flaws in the way you had set it up.

You looked wearily towards Hux, “Are you sure he isn’t going to notice that?” You asked, pointing up at the door frame.

Hux eyed the spot you pointed at and shrugged his shoulders, “Who cares?”

You just rolled your eyes at him, “Obviously I do, stupid!”

“I’m your superior officer, you cannot talk to me like that!” He whisper yelled at you.

“Sure, buddy,” You laughed, “Keep telling yourself that.”

He just huffed, “I could get you in trouble, you know.”

You blankly stared at him before you burst out in belly-clenching laughter, “That’s the funniest thing I’ve heard all day!” It was hard to get the words out in between laughs, but you eventually succeeded.

“Do not push my buttons,” Though Hux always wore a blank and stoic face, you could tell he was holding in laughter of his own by the way his eyes shone with amusement.

Hux had been your first friend in the First Order; you’d met him way before Kylo. You really hated him at first, he was way too uptight about everything and no fun to be around. That’s when your pranking had really begun; you’d done it to try and break Hux out of his awful shell. It had taken him a while to figure out who was doing it and he was furious when he confronted you. But, the day he confronted you, Hux had a green face from the dye you put into his shaving cream. There was nothing you could do except laugh at his stupidly bright green face and, eventually, he joined in on it.

From that day forward, both of you had been close as ever. He was like the brother you never had and you felt comfortable confiding in him. He’d been the first to know about your crush on the Supreme Leader and the first to when about your relationship. Hux had warned you about Kylo at first- talked about how cold and dangerous the man was, which you definitely understood. Kylo had been extremely off-putting the first time you met him, but some intoxicating urge to peel back his layers had you coming back for more.

Hux had seen a different side of Ren the day you accidentally pranked him and began to understand why you stayed around. It was late at night when you were planning to jump Hux and scare him before he went to bed, but you found Kylo instead. Apparently, he was on his way to give Hux some very important paperwork- which flew out of his hands the moment you jumped from behind the corner and yelled ‘boo!’ Hux came flying out of his room, only to see you hiding giggles under your hands and a very bewildered Kylo.

From that day on, Hux and you had vowed to prank him at every chance you got. The outcome you got each time was much too satisfying to stop chasing. Kylo had learned to just accept and ignore each prank you threw his way; none of it was really his style.

Suddenly, Hux grabbed your arm tightly and whispered in your ear, “Hide!”

You grinned with adrenaline and ran to hide behind a nearby corner. You peaked around the corner to see Kylo approaching the quarters both of you shared. He wore his normal menacing look as he strode closer to the door. His footsteps mimicked the pounding of your heart- ready to burst from your chest with excitement. The concern you felt earlier had disappeared and was replaced by the high strung adrenaline that came with each prank.

Kylo had reached the door by now and was getting ready to open it. You sucked a stale breath in between your teeth when he finally opened the door. Almost twenty loud, resonating pops filled the air around him and he jumped back into the wall. It was too hard to contain, so your laughter came tumbling out of your mouth and you fell to the floor holding your hands to your stomach. The look on his face was absolutely priceless; you could only hope Hux saw that.

You were too wrapped in your laughter that you didn’t hear the loud, reverberating footsteps coming your way. They stopped right in front of you as you opened your eyes to wipe the tears from them. Black, leather boots filled your vision and your laughter slowly turned dry. ‘Now’s clean up time,’ you thought, ‘Was fun while it lasted.’

Your eyes traveled from the boots, up to his torso, and his neck to end at his face. The look he wore was not his usual one of indifference after each prank. This one was much darker and filled to the brim with anger. Any lingering amusement quickly drained from your body and you gulped. This couldn’t have a good outcome for you; not with that look he’s wearing.

Kylo swiftly bent down to harshly grab your shoulders and push you to your feet. When you were finally standing, he roughly pushed you against the wall behind you. You winced when the back of your head and shoulders slammed into it. One of Kylo’s hands moved to the center of your chest, while the other one rested at the base of your neck. Under his left hand, you were sure he could feel your racing heartbeat. Under his right, you were sure he could feel the harsh movements of your throat.

His fingers on his right hand were beginning to squeeze slightly around your throat; just enough so you knew the pressure of his grip was there. He leaned close enough to you that you could rub your nose against his, but, given the situation, you stayed paralyzed with fear. Your boyfriend was a dangerous man and it seemed like you had pushed exactly the right button that unlocked that side of him.

His breath was cool on your mouth when he spoke, “Little girl, I’m in no mood for your games today.” His voice was low but powerful enough to send your psyche into shock. Your brain was screaming for you to run, but your limbs were much too numb to accomplish anything- certainly not pushing Kylo off of you.

He seemed to notice your need to run and harshly jutted a knee in between your legs to keep you up against the wall. If you weren’t dangerously stuck before, you definitely were now. You could only hope that the wall behind you would open up and swallow you whole away from Kylo.

You eventually just nodded your head in response to him, but that didn’t satisfy his anger. Kylo only gripped and pushed harder on you with your head nod. He leaned impossibly closer to you when he spoke again, “You speak when you’re spoken to. Am I being clear enough for you?” The menace in his voice was enough to tear you in half; the man standing in front of you was not the one you fell in love with.

You squeaked out a nervous, “Yes,” at his question. This seemed to sate his anger a little as he loosened his grip around your throat and removed his knee.

“Good,” You thought that was the end of this conversation, but then Kylo tucked his head close to your shoulder and his lips brushed against the shell of your ear, “Try anything again and see what happens.” Your body shook with the power of those words- the promise of danger in disguise was hidden underneath the normally exciting words.

Kylo leaned away from your ear and met your eyes with his. You could only swallow harshly and stare back into them; usually bright and inviting hazel was almost black with unfiltered anger. It was shocking to see, especially since you were the one who caused it. You didn’t know what hurt worse at the moment; Kylo turning you into nothing more than one of his subordinates or the fact you had pissed him off enough to do that.

After a few more seconds of staring through you, Kylo finally let his grip fall but he didn’t back away just yet. His harsh words found you once again, “Get out of my sight before I do something I’ll later regret.”

He backed away from you completely after he spoke and, as soon as his body left yours, you shot in the opposite direction of Kylo. You needed your safe place right now, you needed away from Kylo immediately. You huffed out sharp breaths as you ran and were sure the staff was staring at you like you were crazy. Eventually, you reached the dark and tucked away corner you loved to use when you needed a break.

Kylo’s actions hadn’t registered when they were happening, but now all you could do was sit and think about them. He had never once acted that way towards you, it was mostly saved for lower-ranking officers that pissed him off. You thought if you never saw that side of him, you would never have to even acknowledge it. Being the First Order’s Supreme Leader was sure to bring an air of fear around everyone he was near, but it barely touched you. Now, it was impossible to ignore the anger that festered and grew in the soul of the man you loved.

Kylo had done awful things, he never once tried to hide them from you and, make no mistake, you weren’t the fragile kind. It was silly to think that he would hide the Hyde of his usual Jekyll nature from you. Every bad thing that floated around about him was so easy to cast away when you only saw the good.

You felt so stupid for thinking that this could’ve been avoided altogether; you couldn’t live with him and not be exposed to the raw rage he exuded away from you. You’d been extremely lucky to have not seen it before now, honestly.

As you sat longer, the numbness of the situation faded from your body and pure hurt replaced it. Tears quickly escaped your eyes and you frantically tried to keep the sobs at bay. Even though this was a completely secluded corner, people would still hear you if they were to walk by. The last thing you wanted was to be coddled by Hux or turned into a laughing stock by the rest of the ship. Being Ren’s girl came with a certain air of responsibility and, right now, the last thing you wanted to do was indirectly embarrass him.

☆

HOURS had passed since you tucked yourself here. The tears had dried and left your face feeling sticky and taunt. The sobs you held in earlier caused your lungs to ache in the aftermath of your breakdown. The taste of salt lingered in your mouth like a bad aftertaste and left your tongue heavy with dryness. Your head was pounding with migraine and your eyes were too sensitive to open. Your psyche was left to crumble to pieces from the emotional exhaustion of overthinking everything that had happened earlier. You felt heavy and light at the same time; your body was drifting, but your mind kept you grounded with the weight of lingering hurt.

Kylo hadn’t tried to find you and you couldn’t tell if relief or pain filled you with that thought. Your heart yearned for his aura to wrap around yours, but your mind still shook with fear at the very thought of having him close to you. Would Kylo wrap you into his body and whisper reassuring words into your ears or would he back you further into this corner and add a few more layers of fear?

While you tried to decide what side to trust, footsteps approached you. Your thought riddled brain kept you oblivious to the sound, but something told you to turn your head to the entrance to the corner you were in. When you did exactly that, black clothes filled your vision; Kylo had found you. The heart you tried hard to ignore jumped and rejoiced with love, but your occupied mind doused your body with cold fear. You couldn’t gauge the mood he was in because he was wearing a completely blank mask. This caused your mind to kick into hyperdrive and anxiety flowed down your spine to the tips of your toes.

He strode towards you until you were eye level to his knees. Kylo bent at the knees and squatted in front of you; indecipherable hazel met the raw fear that flooded your irises. You couldn’t stop the shaking of your body once it started; this situation made you nervous.

He pulled the glove on his right hand off slowly with his left and his eyes never left yours. He switched hands and did the same to the left as he did to his right. You had no idea what his intention was when his right hand moved towards your face; love kept you still, but fear urged you to flinch. The cool, callused skin of his palm met the sticky tear tracks that were left on your left cheek. You saw Kylo’s mouth pull into a small frown- so small that if you would’ve blinked, you would’ve missed it- at the feeling of dried tears on the soft skin.

He pulled his eyes away from the tracks and they met yours once again. His thumb ran under your eye to smear the beginning of the trail away and it was comforting, to say the least. But, even with that touch, you didn’t know if Kylo would flip his switch again and make it hurt.

His voice was soft when he finally spoke, “Please, don’t be afraid of me, love.”

An ache bloomed in the pit of your stomach and began to reach the tips of your fingers and soles of your feet. For some reason his face said nothing, yet his voice said everything. The yearning was almost completely suffocating as it wrapped to coat your lungs. His words sank into your bones and left them heavy with the fear and sadness they brought. His actions and his words spoke volumes; he was scared you were going to run away.

You reached deeper into his soul through his eyes and sifted through the events of today; you couldn’t find any striking anger or poisonous danger. Kylo wasn’t going to hurt you, so you slowly let yourself fall into his touch. His whole body seemed to sink with release as he found his way to his knees. His unoccupied hand found your other cheek and swiped away the remnants of your fear.

“You’re alright now, pretty girl,” His voice was heavy with comfort as it wrapped around your body, “I’ve got you now.”

Kylo couldn’t stomach the word sorry and you never expected to hear it come out of his mouth. You didn’t even expect, nor want, him to say sorry; right now each soft touch and comforting word meant more than sorry ever could. He was a difficult man to understand- many scars hardened his reserve- yet, he was your favorite book to read.

You tilted your head into his left hand and welcomed the touch that it brought. Your voice finally found the courage to speak, “I love you.” You felt your words linger in the air between your mouths before they finally seeped into Kylo’s skin.

He didn’t say anything back, he couldn’t stomach those words either. It was a gamble to even say them in the first place, but you let them tumble out anyways. You knew you won when Kylo’s mouth met yours in a bruising kiss. His left hand traveled to the nape of your neck and tangled in the hair there. He manipulated your head and pulled back to open your mouth more to his. His tongue slid in between your lips and his familiar taste filled your every sense. Kylo used his right hand to grip the hair at the side of your head to keep you still in front of him; control was something he drew in like air and it was something you never found yourself denying him.

Despite the harsh dominance, Kylo kissed you with, you found hints of sweetness and even love wrapped up into it. You would be content with him never saying ‘I love you’ if he kissed you like this each time you said it. Words were fickle things, having the meaning of them stripped away by false prophets, but actions meant so much more. Each kiss left on you during this moment engraved love into your skin.

You finally found the strength to break away for air, but you let your face hover close to his. Each breath you exhaled was pulled into his lungs and exhaled into yours again; the intimacy was smothering you. You let your hand softly run over his cheek to find his hair; the soft, inky tendrils ran through your fingers. Kylo looked completely blissed out, a stark difference to how he was earlier.

“I’m sorry for doing that to you,” Your words were heavily laced with an apologetic tone.

He stared for a moment before he spoke, “I should’ve handled it better.”

Those words shocked you for a moment before you quickly recovered, “You put up with so much from me. I’m still learning your buttons and boundaries.”

“I promised myself I would never touch you like that,” He swallowed harshly with those words, “Yet when I snapped, I did exactly that.”

You let the words sink in before softly saying, “I pushed when I shouldn’t have.”

Kylo slowly shook his head, “I took the stress of a bad day out on you when you were having some fun and I shouldn’t have.”

His admission was definitely as close to an apology as you were going to get, “It hurt, but I think I needed to see that side of you,” You whispered into the air between the both of you, “You’re too careful around me, Kylo. I know what you do when you’re not next to me. I know you hurt people, I know you’ve blown an entire planet out of existence,” You took a deep breath before continuing, “Yet, it's so easy for me to forget how dangerous you can be because I’ve never seen it. I know now that, even though you love me, you can still snap and break into Hyde at any time.”

Kylo didn’t say anything, he didn’t really need to. Your words spoke for the both of you; Kylo wouldn’t apologize for the ruthless side of his psyche and you needed to learn to love every part of him. You couldn’t pick the sweet Kylo over the one that struck fear into the heart of the galaxy. Love was a close counterpart to pain; each never came without the other. You loved him and it hurt you at times- he was sure to snap more and possibly hurt you worse than he did today. Yet, you would still forgive him no matter how bad it got.

Eventually, Kylo was able to pull you away from your corner and back to the room you shared. Everything would be okay; time would heal the wounds this man wore like armor and you could only hope it would allow him to accept the scars that came. But for now, you could only wait.

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AUTHOR’S NOTE:

First, I’m so sorry for taking so long to fill this request !!!!! I’ve needed a little break for a sec after I finished those other two prompts, writing gets draining at times.

This got a little dark towards the end, but I like have no idea how to write a Kylo that is soft and caring because he really isn’t to me. I did try to slip some comfort in there, though it is pretty subtle.

I hope you like how I wrote your request, fandom ! Thank you for requesting it, I loved writing it. I thought the prompt was really unique and interesting to dive into. Also, good luck with your writing and keep being the awesome author you are !

Other readers, you can check their stuff out on their page; it’s pretty amazing ! They also take requests too and might write for a character that’s not on my list, so check it out !

My requests are also still open, but it might take awhile to get to yours because I have a few more to write and another chapter of TEETH to spit out. I’m happy to see them though, it’s extremely motivating.

Have a great day today and make sure to wear a mask if you go out ! Stay safe and healthy out there; I wish you all happy reading !!!!!

- K xx :) !!!!!!

#kylo ren x reader #kylo x reader #kylo ren/reader #kylo/reader #kylo ren/you #kylo/you #kylo ren x y/n #kylo x y/n #requested #star wars #reader insert #angelsfwrite #angelsfw writes #kylo ren #kylo #fanfic #fanfiction #kylo ren x you #kylo x you

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brandtmax · 4 years

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welcome back to gallagher academy, soo-yun ‘maxine’ brandt ! according to their records, they’re a first year, specializing in research & development; and they did not go to a spy prep high school. when i see them walking around in the halls, i usually see a flash of ( sugar-free mints, a messy low bun, wisps of hair alongside her face, the end of a pen between her teeth, the patek philippe calatrava 4897r-010 in rose gold, off-white pants in every fabric ). when it’s the ( virgo ) ’s birthday on 08/23/1997, they always request their japchae from the school’s chefs. looks like they’re well on their way to graduation.

henlo it me again i hope u guys aren’t sick of me yet bc i have a new bby named max! i’ve written a lot™️ so brace urself but it’s worth it ( i think ) + trigger warnings: death and alcohol dependency under the cut xxx

the basics

full name: soo-yun ‘ maxine ’ brandt

nicknames: max — just max

age: twenty-two years old

birthday: august 23rd, 1997

gender: cis female

preferred pronouns: she / her

sexuality: bisexual

major: research & development ( formerly a b.a. political science degree from yale university )

known languages: english ( native ) / german ( native ) / korean ( native )

background

nationality: american

birthplace: new haven, connecticut, new hampshire

current location: gallagher academy, roseville, virginia

financial status: upper class

religion: non-theistic

appearance

eye color: brown

hair color: black

height: 5′8.5″

notable features: curly hair on lazy days, rosy cheeks

usual mood and expression: calm, furrowed eyebrows whenever her eyes are on work; lethargic and irritable when she’s overworked ( or without alcohol )

family

birth order: second born

parents: soon-bok ‘ vivian ’ jang and stephen brandt ( d. 2018 )

siblings: min-jun ‘ parker ’ brandt ( b. 1995 ) & georgia ‘ gigi ’ brandt ( b. 2001 )

significant others: chris harmon ( 2013-2015 ) / ava carrillo ( 2015-2016 )

her story so far (this is so long n serious lol)

soo-yun 'maxine' brandt was born and raised in new haven, connecticut, to jang soon-bok ( vivian ), a surgeon, and stephen brandt, a ( n allegedly shady ) criminal justice lawyer.

the brandt siblings were raised like any other blue-blooded, very strict but loving household ( strict = mom / loving = dad )

brandt house rules: get straight a’s, follow the 12 am curfew and don't bring anyone home that you know you’d get disowned for. follow those three rules, and you can do whatever you want.

there was pressure for the brandt siblings to be academically accomplished, but it wasn't anything they couldn't handle. they were well-tutored, semi-popular, attractive teenagers, which were common in new haven, and everyone knew they were destined for ivy league.

in high school, she dated chris harmon, and it was the kind of relationship that could only be described as the personification of a kinder egg. sweet on the outside, a waste of time and money on the inside.

which is fine; it took max about 2 months to get over it when they broke up halfway through senior year, because neither of them thought of their relationship going far. the joy of getting into yale ( already expected ) trumped the feeling of losing a boyfriend. she even bet parker $5,000 she'd get early admission. she won.

during college, she had an on-off relationship with ava carrillo for a year, which inevitably became a permanent off. it turned out that it wasn't a good idea to throw herself into a committed relationship the minute she stepped foot into yale. max never had the time, and ava didn't have the patience. at least she tried it tho !

things seemed to be on the up and up for their family, and the worst thing max has ever been through is being awake for 24 straight hours to prepare for a final presentation. but ! you know what they say about the calm before the storm.

( tw: death ) on december 18, 2018, their father unexpectedly passed away from a heart attack during a layover flight in new york. the brandt family was at home when they heard the news. needless to say, they had a quiet christmas and new year.

the family tried to move on as best they could, but the siblings knew their dad's death irreversibly changed their mom. they have a rocky relationship to begin with, the siblings always feeling like vivian never wanted to become a parent and only did so for their father. they have absolutely no mother-children bond, and it got worse when stephen died. being the older brother, parker took it upon himself to take care of vivian, balancing that with running the home stretch with his undergrad degree.

on the other hand, maxine still had a few years left at yale. no amount of therapy helped her cope with the loss of her father, the way her mother seemed to become a shell of herself, how parker had to break the momentum of his career to be there for their mom, and the constant pressure to do good academically.

( tw: alcohol dependency ) it started with buying bottled moscow mules because she didn't like how beer tasted, and she wasn't dumb enough to go straight to hard liquor. just one to take the edge off whenever stacks of coursework became too much, or when her mother would send her an email talking about her day, and she didn't have the courage to read it. then it went from a one, two, three-time thing to a whenever-i'm-upset thing, which slid into a whenever-i-feel-like-it thing. after a while, it became a daylight thing where she would add a splash of soju ( or whatever ) to her lunchtime drinks, and she genuinely thought it was just a funny idea at first. max wasn't the only day drinker in her social group, anyway. she found it acceptable, no different than how other people would pound red bull every 6 hours like it's their life force. it was manageable for her since she was able to schedule when she'd be indisposed, and she still can.

parker had ( and still has ) no clue. despite the two being close, max spared him the burden of having another thing to worry about. as long as she can control it ( or she thinks she can ) then nobody had anything to worry about.

eventually, both maxine and parker were offered the opportunity to join gallagher academy, with parker in line to graduate with honors in global affairs and maxine, not far behind with her own impressive academic portfolio in political science.

though really, her acceptance into gallagher has less to do with her published papers ( still impressive, tho ) and more to do with her covertly helping her father win cases by doing some expert sleuthing, strategizing, witness dispatching + discrediting, sexc breaking and entering, and good, old-fashioned manipulation !

it was something they both wanted; to be a part of the bigger picture in the world, but they knew they couldn't leave their mother alone. parker, who chose to make the sacrifice, let maxine go and stayed behind to take care of vivian.

( but if we’re honest, maxine would’ve left for gallagher regardless if parker was coming with her, but she’ll never tell him that )

despite the guilt and telling parker she wasn't going anywhere ( cough ), he insisted on her taking the once-in-a-lifetime chance to be a part of something they never knew existed. he knew they were going to end up resenting each other if they both stayed. at least one person in the family should be doing something that made them happy.

and so max dropped out of yale and left for roseville, even though she hadn't thoroughly planned out her career trajectory.

she’s eager not just because of the school, obviously. she can't handle going back to their childhood home and seeing how hollow everything is. plus, the immense anger and denial she feels over her dad’s untimely death has no place in new haven anymore.

she promised parker she'd make it up to him, though. somehow, someday.

who is this b*nch

max is relatively easy to get along with, tbh !

she’s a mood matcher; meaning if you’re nice to her, then she’s nice to you ( and if you’re gonna be a punk bitch, then she’ll be a punk bitch right back )

she’s a lil spoiled, lil sheltered, and lil ignorant but her general friendliness makes up for it, she’s the type to be friends with ( almost ) everyone

internally: perfectionist to the point of being ruthless, first place is the only acceptable place, meticulous, neurotic, workaholic, overachiever, if you’re not useful then what’s your purpose?, slightly egotistical, etc etc

externally: caring, protective, and supportive mom friend who just wants people to get their shit together because inadequacy is unacceptable, fixer, likes to dip into different social circles, consciously makes the effort to be more patient with people

she’s incredibly ambitious ? morally ambiguous ? slightly self-serving and self-involved ? her father’s a criminal “justice” lawyer whose clientele doesn’t exactly consist of the beacons of society so... she learned a lot of lessons about how you can win any case in the courtroom if you’re smart enough to a ) make a good story, b ) get the fitting evidence by any means necessary, c ) discredit and discard the necessary people, and d ) be charming and persuasive enough to rock the jury

she’s actively trying to be more open-minded and assimilate to a diverse group of people because back in yale she was definitely in a wasp bubble, and admittedly there are times where she will come off as super snobby without meaning to and tbh sorry about it

she’s still an extremely sociable person because yale also taught her how to network like a motherfucker, and how it’s important to know / be friends with everyone

honestly, intense people turn her off ( both positive and negative ) a little because she can't handle concentrated personalities in one sitting

even though she’s a little intense herself sometimes but it’s fine, we love hypocrites in this house !

neat freak ? but honestly who doesn’t like a friend who squeegees the shower every day and has a tiny can of lysol in their bag and an aroma diffuser with three ( 3 ) oil blends

she’s like... weirdly aggressive sometimes and most definitely has anger issues ( still in denial over her father unexpectedly passing away and getting stuck with a mom who doesn’t like her own children very much )

but also, she’s just agro in general and has a number of physical hobbies. she’s an ice skater, equestrian, a soulcyclist, and a kickboxer. she can fite.

she’s not the type to make fun of herself because she's not at a point where she sees qualities in her that are okay to laugh at ( unless you’re tight )

keeps her negative juju to herself because she’s a very private person

will prioritize work over play because she'd hardwired like that, but that doesn't mean she's anti-fun ( clearly )

definitely needs to loosen up a little that doesn't involve alcohol... jenga perhaps ? or actually try therapy again ?

very effectively sneaky about her growing alcohol dependency ( sugar-free breath mints, brushes her teeth + uses mouthwash after every meal )

dry sense of humor

at all times: wears a 1-carat, emerald cut, pavé diamond ring ( family heirloom ) + carries her trusty black hydro flask with her ( 24 oz. ) and no one is allowed to drink from it !

her signature scent is le labo bergamote 22 ��

hmu on my discord @ tin#0697 for plottage !

#gallagher:intro #death tw #alcoholism tw #alcohol dependency tw #ps when u see a typo #just close ur eyes

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midoriyaizukustan-inactive · 4 years

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MHA Song Analysis - “Holy” by PVRIS

so i was listening to this song and it gave me massive todoroki family vibes lmao

anyway!! i got encouragement from fran (thank u fran) so its time to go off

i will leave a read more for those of u who dont wanna see me yell tho uwu

this is the song: https://youtu.be/rfrFT_3GP4A

SO i will be using genius lyrics as a ref for the lyrics so if u would like to double-check me on anything, u can do so using the same source

also for this analysis, we are going with the theory that dabi is todoroki touya just for simplicity’s sake

ALSO there are some manga spoilers in here so be careful!! it’s nothing too major or anything but there are instances discussed here that have not yet happened in the anime, so just a warning

w that let’s begin hoho

“youve got it all” “you” in this context is endeavor (who will be referred to as “enji” for the rest of this) and the rest of the line is obvious then; he’s got it all in the sense that he’s a successful, rich pro hero; he has a wife and kids and his own agency; when/if he retires, he could do so comfortably; he has a world-renowned, powerful quirk; he’s got looks and fans and everything

“but youve got it all wrong” despite everything enji has, he doesn’t treat it right at all. obviously he’s abusive as fuck towards his family, and negligent to natsuo and fuyumi once shouto comes along. he’s not satisfied with his place because he doesn’t get to have the number one next to his name. nothing is enough for him; his fatal flaw is envy, and it consumes him to an absolutely absurd degree

“now you dont know you’re a poor unfortunate soul” as previously mentioned, enji’s fatal flaw is envy. it fucks with him so severely that he can’t be happy with what he has, and instead stews in hate towards all might and the bitterness of “what-ifs”. thus, he’s a “poor unfortunate soul”

“oh i know/you make it seem that you feel whole/so they don’t know you’re a poor unfortunate soul” so even though enji is clearly a bit unstable and will never be satisfied or happy with what he has, he has to hide that fact; we see this particularly with his interactions with all might. he is venomous towards him, yes, but he will never let all might know that he’s jealous of him. we see this pattern of behavior echoed in shouto in the sports festival and dabi

“you put on a faith facade/think you’re holy when you’re not” the “faith facade” is enji pretending to feel accomplished with what he’s done, when he clearly isn’t. the “think youre holy when you’re not” refers to enji’s tendency to not see or not admit when he’s wrong. at least until his fight with the nomu leading to introspection, enji did not see any error in his ways. he was fine with using a woman solely for the children she could potentially bear, he was fine with neglecting the children that weren’t “good enough” in his eyes (natsuo and fuyumi), and he was perfectly fine with overworking the children that did meet his standards (shouto and dabi), which supposedly led to one’s death (touya/dabi)

“i hate to break it to you, baby/but you’re simply lost” could be seen as words dabi is telling enji during the nomu fight. shouto, fuyumi, and natsuo have no doubt thought this as well, though, and shouto and natsuo have said things that are equivalent to this (shouto when he told enji he would use him as a stepping stone to be a good hero and natsuo’s recent blowing up about touya’s “death” and enji’s parenting)

“you can right all the wrongs just to feel you belong” these are words natsuo definitely said to enji during their most recent interactions. shouto and dabi echo this sentiment, though, with how they interact with enji. its a very sarcastic and bitter line about not being able to just let what enji has done slip by

“but simply calling out sins don’t bring you closer to god” “calling out sins” is enji’s abuse towards his children and otherwise living through them, particularly shouto, and “bring you closer to god” in this context would mean enji reaching his goals. this is a sentiment all the todorokis feel, but particularly shouto, as enji honed in on him for years and shouto had no way of getting away from him until ua

“youre just a ghost at most/a set of empty bones” i feel as if this is a sentiment all the todorokis feel currently: enji because he’s finally realizing all he’s done wrong and doesn’t quite know how to cope with that; shouto because he’s trying to see himself as anything other than enji’s tool; natsuo because he wants to be more than the abuse enji inflicted on him, but it’s hard bc he can’t let go of touya’s “death”; dabi because he’s completely warped as a person from who he used to be and can’t reach out to his mom or siblings; fuyumi because she most likely has doubts about her feelings/lack of anger towards enji, even though her brothers are all angry with him in some form or fashion; and even rei, because she was changed as a person from enji’s abuse and hurt her own child because of it, and she must deal with the guilt of that

“searching for anything and everything to make you feel whole” this is a reference to how the todoroki’s are trying to cope with what is making them feel like a ghost. enji is reaching out to his kids, shouto is connecting with his friends and midoriya, natsuo is honest about his feelings to enji himself, dabi has a new family/group he connects with, fuyumi stands her ground bc her feelings are her own and shouldnt be swayed by what others are thinking, and rei is in a much better headspace now that she’s away from enji

“when it gets cold, oh, oh, oh” “when it gets cold” means when their struggles get particularly hard. examples of this: enji during the nomu fight, shouto during the sports festival, natsuo during the attack in recent manga chapters and the following conversation with enji, when dabi “dies”/runs away, and when rei hurt shouto. i cant think of a specific example for fuyumi right now, but you get the idea

“you dont know/no you dont know/oh you’re all alone/you poor unfortunate soul” i feel this line relates solely to enji and halfway with dabi, as shouto, natsuo, fuyumi, and rei all have each other and others that help them with being “unfortunate souls”. enji and dabi, on the other hand, only have themselves -- enji because he’s too prideful and also has no one left in his corner after his years of abuse, and dabi because he hasn’t told the league his past (yet), thus he certainly hasn’t talked about this at all

“you can’t control/where your body lets you go/oh you’re all alone/you poor unfortunate soul” i think this line, in particular, is dabi’s, as depending on which “dabi is touya” theory you’re looking at, he was kidnapped by ujiko to be made into a nomu that kinda failed/kinda succeeded, therefore he literally had no control where his body let him go. however, dabi in general didn’t have much choice, or probably felt he didn’t; he couldn’t stand to be with enji any longer, and it quite literally would have killed him if his scars are anything to go by. so he left, and ended up on the path of villainy. he didn’t choose that necessarily, it was just how the cards were played

“and you say that i’ve got it all wrong” “you” is enji and “i[’ve]” is shouto. this is before and during the sports festival. enji is still at his worst, shouto is trying to spite him/separate himself from him, and enji hates shouto for that, thus, he says shouto has it all wrong to not use his quirk/be obedient

“cause you just know im a poor unfortunate soul” enji knows and is the cause of shouto’s fucked up upbringing, so this line is kind’ve a bitter acknowledgment of that

“but there’s no way that there’s weight in the words that you preach/when you’re claiming your faith and you contradict your speech” shouto’s pov one again; he can’t take enji seriously in addition to not wanting to be like him because of enji’s obvious issues with envy. enji tells him to be proud of his fire, and yet clearly enji isn’t even satisfied with it as he can’t beat all might with flames alone. thus, shouto has resentment towards the irony of this, which this line attests to

“so i sit here and listen to your tongue and cheek/i know that when you sit and pray you’re only praying for keeps” shouto has no choice but to listen to enji’s hypocrisy, at least until the dorm system at ua is put into place the “praying” in this aspect can mean a couple different things; enji’s talks to the public, talks to shouto, or talks to all might. “praying for keeps” in these contexts, then, are: “just want to keep his hero ranking high”, “wants to live through shouto’s success because he’s unhappy with his own life”, and “wants to one-up all might in anything possible, from demeanor to supposed satisfaction to pride to legacy, etc”

chorus (“cause you’re a ghost...[...]unfortunate soul” bit) once more

“you’re shallow and empty and filled with regret” arguably all the todorokis feel this way. they all have things they regret at this point and all feel the emptiness that comes when there is a void in what is supposed to be a family. enji in particular has been shallow for a long time and still has issues with that.

“i think that chest must be heavy from that cross on your neck” the “cross” in this context is the weight that the todorokis each feel about what expectations they think they have to live up to/what worries them. obviously all the todoroki kids had/have the pressure to live up to enji’s expectations, but to get more precise: shouto and natsuo have the need to be more than “endeavor’s kids” on their chests, and shouto additionally has the pressures that come with being a hero course student; fuyumi has the dilemma of if she’s being too forgiving or not (and how that affects her loved ones) on her chest; dabi has the knowledge that he left behind his siblings and mother on his chest; enji has regret and dissatisfaction with his whole life on his chest; rei has the regret of what she did to her kids and the horrors of living with enji on her chest.

“you only wear cause you’re wary of what comes next after your death” why the todorokis hold on to their aforementioned “crosses”? they hold on bc its important to them that they carry reminders of who/what they want to be, or because they regret or are unsure of certain decisions, or because of nostalgia and a desire that things were different

“dont think i didn’t notice” this can be an outside perspective, but particularly im thinking midoriya because he’s met almost all of the todorokis now and has seen them at lows. very low lows in fact. thus,,,it can’t escape notice however it can also be the todorokis acknowledge the trauma and guilt that each other has; “takes one to know one” sort of thing

“dont think i didn’t notice/dont think i didn’t know/you’re just a po-o-o-or, poor unfortunate/so-o-o-oul, poor unfortunate/oh, oh, oh, oh poor unfortunate/so-o-o-oul, poor unfortunate” this line is kind’ve incoherent which is why i think it fits all of the todoroki’s thoughts; this is all of them thinking over each other about themselves and about the rest of their family

“and you’ve got it all/you’ve got it all wrong/no you’ve never known, known, known, known/you’re a poor unfortunate soul” once again, this is the todoroki’s thoughts overlapping each other, except these thoughts are exclusively about each other and not themselves

“dont think i didnt notice” definitely this is where the outside party comes in, at least for everyone but enji and dabi, as they have others that are there for them and they can talk to. as for enji and dabi, this line is still them thinking about the others

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freudsghost · 4 years

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I’m not sure how much personal stuff I want to share on this blog but venting about some stuff helps me process.

So in light of EB 224 I wanna share a bit about what it was like growing up in the south/bible-belt (Texas) and being who I am (a bisexual, Jewish woman) and my experience with Evangelical Christianity and CRU.

Forewarning: this is not a happy story. these are not glory days. it’s dark. trigger warnings for gas-lighting, manipulation, mental, physical, and emotional abuse, corrective/date rape and semi-forced/coerced marriage, dissociation, eating disorders, depression, anxiety and alcohol. Read at your own risk.

I grew up without much religious influence in my life, my dad wasn’t Jewish (he was agnostic) and my mom is Jewish but not overly concerned with religious beliefs. My grandparents were/are Jewish as well and were WAY more involved in religion, but having survived the holocaust were private about their culture/religion.

At 17 I was accepted on a full scholarship to Texas Tech University in Lubbock, Texas. And if there’s one thing Lubbock is known for is being one of the most religious cities in Texas. Predominantly Evangelical Christian.

My first semester, I lived in the women’s architecture honors dorm and quickly made friends with most of the other girls, one in particular I became fast friends with and we studied for almost every test together and were studio partners for almost every project. I’m still friends with her almost 20 years later (its been rough and complicated) so, to protect our friendship and privacy I’ll just call her Mandy.

Mandy was from a small town up north and her father was an Evangelical pastor and her first priority when getting to uni was to find a bible study group. I was NOT in any way involved in that, because I had no interest in christianity. Some time during Spring semester she started leading her own bible study group and invited me to come with her. I knew she was possibly trying to convert me and I resisted. At 18 I wasn’t very good at confronting people on their motivations but I’ve since talked with her about this and we’ve moved passed it with minimal damage.

I was super focused on my school work and sports and she stopped bringing up the bible study. For a while...

That all changed when she brought a few male friends back to the dorms for a calculus study group before midterms. During the study session I really hit it off with one of the guys. He was a year ahead of me, super smart and I thought he was charming and cute. And it turns out he was the leader of Mandy’s bible study. I’ll call him Vick.

Mandy knew I had a bit of a crush on him and got me to finally come to her bible study, with promises she wasn’t trying to push her beliefs on me but just wanted me to get to know Vick.

She also said that their group was welcoming to people of other faiths and were open to other perspectives and wanted me to talk about being Jewish and The Torah. Which was weird, being put into a group where no one else was like me and I was the token Jewish person, having to represent everyone from a large diverse culture. I tried to explain I wasn’t the right person to do that but she insisted it would be fine because I was charismatic and outgoing.

I should also mention that at this point of my life I was extremely outgoing, I had been in many leadership roles and actively sought those things out. I was very comfortable in front of large crowds and at this point I still had the dream of being a musician.

Mandy knew this, and during her time visiting me over the summer asked me if I would be interested in joining the leadership team. I initially said no because I wasn’t at all interested in the religious aspect of their group, but thought that another leadership position would look good on my resume. So I reconsidered and talked with a couple of my long time friends who said I should go for it. It would put me on stage and I would possibly get to be musically creative. And of course I could always quit if I was uncomfortable.

And that’s how I, a bisexual Jewish woman, became the leader and emcee for the Texas Tech Branch of Campus Crusade for Christ, or TTUCRU.

During this time I had grown a lot closer with Vick. We talked on the phone all summer (yes this was before texting and iPhones) and when I returned for fall semester, we started to date. He was the perfect attentive boyfriend. He came across so charming and mature. He was romantic and sweet. Everything I had ever wanted in a partner. By the time my birthday came around in December we were pretty serious about our relationship. I knew he was the kind of man I could fall in love with.

He was also extremely helpful when I had the new pressure to write and coordinate large meetings for a group of people I knew I had VERY LITTLE in common with. I knew I was bisexual. I knew I was Jewish. But most people didn’t know that about me and there was a bit of an unspoken rule that I NOT mention any of those things. Vick suggested I not tell anyone, and it was easy enough to not say anything. I had a good christian boyfriend, everyone assumed I was a straight christian girl. But the whole time I felt like I was being shoved back into the closet not only when I led the group, but every time I was around CRU members. Which was 24/7. CRU became my only social outlet. It consumed most of my free time. It was stressful.

Other things in my life began to suffer, at this time I was still a collegiate athlete (track and field), and I was majoring in not only one or two but three majors and an unnecessary minor and had to maintain above a 3.8 to keep my scholarship. I was constantly stressed, I started having issues with anxiety and didn’t know how to cope. I had a large public position on campus, because TTUCRU was The Organization to Follow for many students. I had to coordinate with other student organizations and get involved with student politics. I felt a constant weight on my shoulders not only to be a star athlete and student but I had to look The Part.

This is where things get really dark.

(I should mention before I continue that I also had a traumatic childhood. It’s a long story but to sum it up, my mom bullied me into an early eating disorder. She treated me (and my father and brother) poorly and abused us all mentally and abused me and my brother physically. It’s left me with a lot of unprocessed trauma I wasn’t even aware of until I was an adult.)

It also left me as an easy target to be manipulated.

I’m not really sure how to explain how it happened and I’m not sure I ever will be, but after a few months I realized that I was a powerless bystander in my relationship with Vick. I felt like something was wrong and that I had no control over my own life. I couldn’t pinpoint anything, and if I mentioned this feeling to anyone I was usually dismissed as being stressed. Everyone loved Vick. He had been CRU’s Most Eligible Bachelor. I was constantly reminded this by other members, that I should count myself lucky to have a man like him, no matter what.

Looking back its because I know that he was manipulating me. He was charming and could talk his way into and out of things without anyone even knowing he was doing it. He talked me into things I would have not normally done at that time. Including how serious our relationship was. I felt like big parts of me were becoming less and less important, things that had once been very important to who I was as a person were becoming less and less visible. Like I was losing myself entirely. He used our relationship and his ties to religion and used our membership in CRU to manipulate me. By the time I turned 21 our relationship was nearly inseparable from our positions on the leadership team. He controlled what I said during meetings, he controlled my speeches and my prompts. He had offered to organize all our media and sound.

I remember wanting to leave, but I knew if I mentioned it to Vick he would leave me and my identity had been so entangled with him, our relationship and CRU I knew I couldn’t. I was convinced I would be nothing without him, without CRU. There were always subtle reminders of this from the culture of the organization. How women are property. None of my accomplishments were ever my own, everything I did was because of Vick or because I was ‘given the opportunity’ by a man. I was also constantly criticized for my appearance. What I should and shouldn’t wear. The size of my jeans. Comments from full time coordinators about how my ass looked too fat. I looked pale and my hair wasn’t right. Vick enforced this. He encouraged me to lose weight and eat less. My already negative body image issues developed into a really unhealthy mindset about eating. I was determined to not be the girl who “gained the freshman 15″. And every time someone “Wow you look so great!” it felt amazing so I just kept not eating.

Somehow a headstrong outspoken rebellious teenager who didn’t give two fucks about other people’s opinions had changed into a 21 year old whose identity was entirely based on the validation and judgement I got from standing on the stage in an auditorium filled with strangers and people I had very little in common with. But all that started to break down right before finals the spring semester of my junior year.

I had moved into a house off campus and I was home alone with Vick keeping me company and we had been horsing around, playing with my dog and out of nowhere he snapped at me and rage I had only seen turned on other people was suddenly focused entirely on me. I still don’t know what sparked his rage and it doesn’t matter. All I know is that he grabbed me and shoved me, picked me up and threw me on the hard concrete floor. After months of treatment and several x-rays and MRIs, I found out that I had two herniated discs that had resulted in nerve damage causing chronic pain, migraines and muscle damage.

I had to quit playing almost all sports after this injury because between disordered eating, weight loss and this new injury I was trying to recover from I couldn’t physically handle the rigorous training. I also got put on some heavy opiates to deal with the pain and doctors at the time had no problem giving me prescription after prescription for heavier and heavier pain killers. Pain killers like Oxy and Vicodin left me in a pretty vulnerable state to be taken advantage of in many ways. Over spring break that year I went on a couples vacation with Vick where we were going to spend one weekend together hiking and meet up with friends to go sightseeing and to an amusement park.

(this part is extremely hard for me to recall both because of being drugged and traumatic processing) The Saturday we spent alone ended with us going to get drinks at a martini bar that was recommended to us by a friend. I don’t remember having too many drinks or having anything beyond one drink at all. I had purposely not taken any pain medication because I knew it could be dangerous. I heavily suspect Vick drugged my drink. All I can recall fuzzy memories of being carried to his car, being carried and half dragged into our room, and Vick roughly taking my clothes off me and holding me down to sexually assault me. I remember being scared and confused. I remember asking him what he was doing. And I remember saying no.

He did this after years of insisting to me that he was waiting for marriage to have sex. He enforced his belief system on our relationship, no questions allowed. I remember waking up Sunday morning the day we were going to meet our friends and feeling sick, sicker than I’d ever felt before in my life. I remember wanting to hide and not see anyone ever again. I shoved myself into the tightest darkest corner in our washroom and cried before calling one of my friends we were meeting with later to prepare her for the conversation I knew I needed to have with her.

She didn’t believe me.

No one did.

I was shocked and humiliated. People’s reactions ranged from “Vick wouldn’t do that he’s an upstanding member of CRU” to “You were asking for it by (drinking)(being on drugs)(being a tease)(dressing like that)(you consented by just being his girlfriend)”

I confronted him about it and told him that I knew what he did. He didn’t even try to deny it. He said he had been drinking and couldn’t control himself. I was certain it would be the end of our relationship. But in the storm of all of this, the two full time coordinators (two older adult men in their 40s/50s) of CRU called me in for a meeting mid-semester. They sat me down for lunch and fired me because they heard the rumors that I had been having premarital sex with Vick and they couldn’t allow someone like me lead their organization. They then used my sexuality and religion they had previously been aware of against me. They called me a whore and a heathen and dismissed me.

I felt alone. I couldn’t turn to my family because they’ve never been supportive. My boyfriend had just done something unthinkable to me and I couldn’t trust him anymore and most of my friends thought I was a liar or a whore. Rumors started. I got the most judgmental amounts of hate I’ve ever had in my entire life from people who had previously been my friends.

(somehow in the midst of all of that I managed to keep my grades up and not fail or drop out lol)

My friends told me if what I said was true, if I had sex with Vick the only right thing to do was to stay with him. They cherry picked bible verse after bible verse, a book I didn’t even believe in, to prove that I was trash unless I was committed to him. That I had to be his wife (property) forever. And Vick refused to leave me. Seeing him made me sick but after refusing to leave over and over again I gave in when he begged for us to go to couples counselling.

(spoiler alert: going to a therapist your rapist has hand picked with them, isn’t a good solution)

The ‘therapist’ was not-shockingly associated with CRU and the church Vick attended. He made it very clear what my role should be and that even if what I said happened, it wasn’t real. It wasn’t rape. It couldn’t be and that I needed to ‘process what it meant to be a good wife’ so I would be a proper woman for Vick. He used words like immature and selfish to describe my emotional upset.

I remember leaving our second and final session crying and angry. I went home and felt even more alone. I felt pathetic. Vick kept trying to salvage our relationship but he ‘warned’ me that time was running out because he was leaving for an internship over the summer and we wouldn’t see each other.

I was right. I had the whole summer to focus on me and getting into graduate school. I was writing my undergraduate dissertation and finishing up important studio classes to graduate a semester early that fall. I remember having this feeling that I needed to run away and wasn’t sure why. But I didn’t use any of my time alone to process what had really happened. I kept denying it. I was filled with so much self hatred, guilt, and shame.

When Vick came back in the Fall he proposed to me and laid it out like an ultimatum. I either had to marry him or we had to break up. He knew how scrambled my brain was, and used everything he could against me. He promised me that I wouldn’t have anything if I said no. I wouldn’t have him, I would loose all my friends that I was lucky to still have and no one would respect or want me ever again. I was terrified and stressed and still on and off pain medication. I had no support system and no support from my family and no real friends.

I remember going home with the ring and bawling my eyes out. I had a full on panic attack and cried for hours. My mom told me to ‘control myself’ because I was overreacting. She loved Vick and told me what a lucky girl i was to have such a good and supporting man in my life. Told me that I was a stupid girl if I said no. So I said yes. We were engaged for over a year and a half. I kept putting off the wedding and I let him plan it all with my mother.

Vick insisted we take time to go thru CRU recommended engagement counseling and seminar after seminar. I forced me to pray with him constantly. He said I needed to ask for forgiveness for what I had done. He started getting more and more jealous and would accuse me of “mentally cheating” if i looked too long at anyone. He would corner me and force me to confess my “adulterous” feelings. I remember believing him during this time. That looking at anyone, strangers or friends, men or women, was horrible and that I was betraying him if I had any thoughts about anyone else. I felt like a shell of a person. I gave up control over most of my life. I had given up trying to end things and decided to make the best of the inevitable.

I knew I didn’t love him. I knew I wasn’t a christian. I knew I didn’t believe in any of it. And I knew I couldn’t love him after what he did. And I knew before we got married he wasn’t the kind of man who could love me back.

We got married on my birthday and I remember crying for hours beforehand. I insisted I was just nervous and stressed. The only person who ever asked if it was what I really wanted was my dad. An untimely question seconds before I was getting married. I never answered him. I wanted to say no. I should’ve said no. I wished I had listened to the gut feeling telling me to run.

That’s where I’m ending my story because the rest is a bit inconsequential to what I wanted to vent about. I left him after eight months of marriage. I had to reach out to friends finally, despite the guilt and shame. I still deal with a lot of internalized bullshit to this day because of him and the brainwashing (I don’t have a better term, sorry) I got from CRU and his church.

As an aside, I just want to say that this is MY story. These are MY feelings and no one else’s. I know ‘not all christians’-- I have friends and family who are christians. But I wanted to share this because I needed to. For personal reasons. And I know there are tons of other stories out there.

If anyone has any questions or wants to DM me just to talk, feel free! I probably won’t be posting public replies or asks about this though. It’s still kind of hard to talk about publicly. <3

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thebluelemontree · 5 years

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SanSan time! So in ASOIAF we get the Hand’s Tourney scene with Sansa & Sandor, and the whole “he was no true knight” moment. It seems like Sandor is still thinking she’s just a “little bird” here - but later, her father as Hand attaints Gregor, stripping him of his titles for his violent crimes. How do you think this makes Sandor feel about Sansa & his perceived seriousness of her moral ideals, considering his trauma re: Gregor being anointed and his other crimes covered up by everyone but Ned?

I don’t think Sandor was ready at the time to draw any positive conclusions between Sansa and her father, because his cynicism always gets in the way of that. While her compassion made him take notice, he doesn’t regard her beliefs as a good thing. To him, they are still woefully naive and a weakness that will only lead to being victimized by the strong and cruel. If Sansa is so ill-prepared for the brutality and bleakness of reality, well, he would point a very judgemental finger at her parents for that. This is not to say Sandor wasn’t quietly making observations about Ned, because I do think a few books in we see subtle indications that Ned’s character and decision to bring Gregor to justice perhaps did make an impression after all. And I think it’s his experience with Sansa that causes him to have a more charitable conception of Ned in hindsight rather than Ned influencing his view of Sansa.

It’s just that Sandor requires a lot of evidence over time before he will consider altering his opinions. He sees exactly what he expects to see, so his point of view is always validated. It takes more than just Sansa saying “he was no true knight,” as groundbreaking as that moment was. It’s precisely that fact that makes him want to work harder at trying to find the cracks in Sansa’s idealism to prove that it can’t be real. It’s only until the conclusion of the Blackwater scene that Sandor can finally accept that she is sincere in her beliefs by treating him with compassion when he least deserved it. To him, Sansa is such an anomaly that the idea of anyone else being that authentic and principled is an even bigger stretch of the imagination than she is.

And what experience does Sandor have with fathers doing right by their children? None. His own father covered up Gregor’s vicious attack and made him uphold the lie. Then he’s a witness to Tywin and Robert Baratheon’s parenting. Sandor always initially gives his life experiences more weight than any counterevidence he saw from Ned or Sansa.

We are given a glimpse of Sandor’s reaction upon hearing the news that Beric Dondarrion was sent by Ned to put down Gregor Clegane through Littlefinger:

Robert was in a fury [over the loss of the white hart], until he heard talk of some monstrous boar deeper in the forest. Then nothing would do but he must have it. Prince Joffrey returned this morning, with the Royces, Ser Balon Swann, and some twenty others of the party. The rest are still with the king.“

“The Hound?” Ned asked, frowning. Of all the Lannister party, Sandor Clegane was the one who concerned him the most, now that Ser Jaime had fled the city to join his father.

“Oh, returned with Joffrey, and went straight to the queen.” Littlefinger smiled. “I would have given a hundred silver stags to have been a roach in the rushes when he learned that Lord Beric was off to behead his brother.”

“Even a blind man could see the Hound loathed his brother.”

“Ah, but Gregor was his to loathe, not yours to kill. Once Dondarrion lops the summit off our Mountain, the Clegane lands and incomes will pass to Sandor, but I wouldn’t hold my water waiting for his thanks, not that one… “ – Eddard XII AGOT

Granted Littlefinger is framing this information in a certain light to pique Ned’s paranoia as he’s been doing throughout their interactions. Ned just tipped his hand as to who he’s worried about and Littlefinger ran with it, making it seem like Ned just crossed Sandor personally. Early on, Sandor is still invested in the idea that killing his brother is the only way to end the pain of his trauma. Not that I think that he genuinely wants to be a kinslayer, but keeping the revenge fantasy alive is a coping mechanism that Sandor doesn’t want to be taken from him. I have no doubt that Sandor did go to Cersei immediately to discuss the situation, but there’s a lot more going on here. This is going to be a long recap and a good deal of rambling. You have been forewarned.

At the inn at the crossroads, Catelyn arrests Tyrion as a person of interest in the assassination attempt on Bran based on Littlefinger’s claim of who won the Valyrian steel dagger. She takes Tyrion to Lysa in the Eyrie, holding him prisoner. Word of Tyrion’s arrest reaches King’s Landing via Yoren. In retaliation, Jaime Lannister and his men attack Ned Stark in the streets, leaving Ned with a badly broken leg. Ned is unconscious with a fever for “six days and seven nights.” When he awakens, he tries to speak to Robert about the conflict with the Lannisters, but Robert will not hear of it. The situation is escalating with both Riverrun and Casterly Rock calling their banners in anticipation for war. Robert decides he’d rather go hunting than deal with this mess, tells Ned they should just simply stop fighting and leaves the next day. Thanks, Robert.

Ned is back to holding court as Hand and dealing with official business. Marq Piper and Karyl Vance, Hoster Tully’s bannermen, show up to accuse the Lannisters of sending Gregor Clegane to attack villages in the Riverlands under the guise of common brigands. They brought with them the few remaining survivors of the attacks to testify that despite the lack of sigils or banners, these brigands were definitely outfitted like proper knights. They had war horses, good weapons and armor, and their inhumanly large leader couldn’t be anyone else other than the Mountain. Ned believes them and suspects what Tywin may be trying to accomplish: “should Riverrun strike back [openly attacking Tywin’s soldiers or bannermen], Cersei and her father would insist that it had been the Tullys who broke the king’s peace, not the Lannisters. The gods only knew what Robert would believe.” The ruse gives Tywin plausible deniability of being responsible, but it is flimsy enough so the Riverlanders to take the bait. There’s no guarantee that Robert, the weak king that he is, wouldn’t cave under pressure to side with his in-laws. We also learn later that Tywin was counting on Ned leading his forces personally to come to the aid of his wife’s family. Away from King’s Landing, Ned could be killed, captured, or traded for Tyrion. Either way, the Starks would be removed from power; however, Ned’s leg was broken during the street fight with Jaime, who knew nothing of his father’s plan.

So Ned sends Beric Dondarrion to bring down Ser Gregor for his crimes against the villagers in the name of the king’s justice, thwarting Tywin’s provocation of Riverrun to retaliate. By putting Robert’s stamp of approval on Gregor’s death sentence, he’s also gambling that this will position the king to side against his in-laws later. You know, when he finally gets Robert to have that big talk about his wife and kids. Sigh.

“Lord Tywin is greatly wroth about the men you sent after Ser Gregor Clegane,” the maester confided. “I feared he would be. You will recall, I said as much in council.”

“Let him be wroth,” Ned said. Every time his leg throbbed, he remembered Jaime Lannister’s smile, and Jory dead in his arms. “Let him write all the letters to the queen he likes. Lord Beric rides beneath the king’s own banner. If Lord Tywin attempts to interfere with the king’s justice, he will have Robert to answer to. The only thing His Grace enjoys more than hunting is making war on lords who defy him.” – Eddard XII, AGOT.

Ned sends Ser Robar Royce to Robert’s hunting party to inform the king (and Yohn Royce) of Dondarrion’s posse and Gregor’s attainment/death sentence. Fast forward to Robert on his deathbed, where he voices his displeasure with Ned putting him in a difficult spot with his wife’s family.

“Ah, fuck you, Ned,” the king said hoarsely. “I killed the [boar], didn’t I?” A lock of matted black hair fell across his eyes as he glared up at Ned. “Ought to do the same for you. Can’t leave a man to hunt in peace. Ser Robar found me. Gregor’s head. Ugly thought. Never told the Hound. Let Cersei surprise him.” His laugh turned into a grunt as a spasm of pain hit him. – Eddard XIII, AGOT.

Robert admits to Ned that he never told Sandor himself. Surprise, Robert dodged an uncomfortable conversation and intended on leaving that task to Cersei so he could get back to having a good time. Because Sandor returned with Joffrey and the Royces, he most definitely heard the news through them. Why does this detail matter? Well, if you were Sandor, wouldn’t you be irked that the king didn’t have the basic courtesy (or balls) to tell you himself? The natural progression of that conversation would be discussing what that means for Sandor’s future, the inheritance of Clegane lands, and his standing with the Lannisters during this conflict. But Robert doesn’t want to touch that topic with a ten-foot pole. What I’m saying is, at that moment, he’s probably more pissed at Robert than anyone else. Following that would be Ned’s decision interfering with one of his primary coping mechanisms. So Sandor marches off straight to Cersei where he was probably told of Gregor’s purpose in the Riverlands and assured that Ned’s order would come to nothing. Indeed, Gregor was ready for Donddarion, ambushing his party from all sides at Mummer’s Ford, soundly defeating them. Meanwhile, Cersei was already making moves to remove both Ned and Robert. But how did Sandor feel about all this?

The grey light of dawn was streaming through his window when the thunder of hoofbeats awoke Eddard Stark from his brief, exhausted sleep. He lifted his head from the table to look down into the yard. Below, men in mail and leather and crimson cloaks were making the morning ring to the sound of swords, and riding down mock warriors stuffed with straw. Ned watched Sandor Clegane gallop across the hard-packed ground to drive an iron-tipped lance through a dummy’s head. Canvas ripped and straw exploded as Lannister guardsmen joked and cursed.

Is this brave show for my benefit, he wondered. If so, Cersei was a greater fool than he’d imagined. Damn her, he thought, why is the woman not fled? I have given her chance after chance … – Eddard XIV AGOT

He’s right there under Ned’s window, mocking and intimidating him. If there was any tiny glimmer in Sandor that maybe Gregor would be finally held accountable for any of his crimes, it was almost immediately overshadowed by his cynicism and confirmation bias. Knowing that Ned’s goose is cooked, Sandor would think Ned a great, naive fool for not understanding how the world really works and how outmatched he is. His worldview is validated yet again by the cunning of his masters. The only thing he can do is attempt to cure Sansa of the same infirmity before its too late for her.

Just before the Blackwater battle, Sandor brings up her father and tries to put some dents in his image to argue his points. For a little context, Sandor was alone on the roof of the Red Keep until Sansa showed up. We can infer with his anxieties about the wildfire that Sandor was up there contemplating his own mortality, which is why he goes so particularly hard in needling Sansa. It seems as if Sandor must have been in the middle of some pretty intense brooding. If he dies in the battle by fire no less, it is in the thankless service of awful people, and Gregor still goes on living and unpunished. If this is how it all ends, well, it’s pretty depressing and of course, as he should have always expected. And here Sansa is still insisting on her idealistic worldview. He goes for a low blow. In that process, he reveals his anger and trust issues with fathers.

She hated the way he talked, always so harsh and angry. “Does it give you joy to scare people?”

“No, it gives me joy to kill people.” His mouth twitched. “Wrinkle up your face all you like, but spare me this false piety. You were a high lord’s get. Don’t tell me Lord Eddard Stark of Winterfell never killed a man.”

“That was his duty. He never liked it.”

“Is that what he told you?” Clegane laughed again. “Your father lied. Killing is the sweetest thing there is.” He drew his longsword. “Here’s your truth. Your precious father found that out on Baelor’s steps. Lord of Winterfell, Hand of the King, Warden of the North, the mighty Eddard Stark, of a line eight thousand years old … but Ilyn Payne’s blade went through his neck all the same, didn’t it? Do you remember the dance he did when his head came off his shoulders?” – Sansa IV, ACOK.

Of course, Ned must be a liar because his father was. He’s got to be no different than Tywin, the high lord he knows best. All fathers and killers are the same. This is the truth as he sees it: those on top, who hold near-godlike power of life and death over their subjects, secretly enjoy exercising that power behind a virtuous countenance. Does Sandor honestly believe this about Ned, or is he trying really hard to convince himself of that? Because for a flickering moment there, it almost sounds like a part of Sandor thinks of Ned in a grand, larger-than-life image before he pauses in thought…

And since he’s the one who brought up Ned and his execution, he also can’t deny that he witnessed a man condemning himself as a traitor in exchange for the safety of the daughter the Lannisters held hostage. He did the very thing his own father would not do: endure the public shame and stigma for love of his child. That is proof that Ned’s honor wasn’t just about his public image, which surely didn’t go unnoticed by someone sensitive to such things, whether he was ready to accept that or not. That Ned wasn’t just merely outmatched by more cunning players, he was the victim of treachery and deceit, failed by a negligent king uninterested in dealing with corruption. While he still does think Ned a fool, there’s a sense that Sandor has adjusted to thinking of him as a decent, honorable, and tragic sort of fool, much like his daughter. What good did that integrity do him? None. The monsters won. Illyn Payne still took his head off while he and his daughter watched. Did you catch how the detail of Ned’s twitching limbs was burned into Sandor’s memory, the same one that plagued Sansa’s nightmares? Yeah, it affected him too. So I do think Sandor is trying to convince himself that Ned was actually a phony and a shitty person because Sandor doesn’t want to empathize with anyone and yet finds himself doing so anyway. Like with Sansa, caring* means having confused and conflicted feelings that force him to re-examine his own life. Add to the fact that Sandor is also the child of a murdered father. I could see a young Sandor having very complicated feelings about mourning his own massive disappointment of a father if he allowed himself to mourn him at all. I don’t see how those memories could not be dredged up.

* I’m still debating whether or not “caring” is too strong a word in regards to Ned. Let’s just say that upon later reflection, I think certain things about Ned’s life and death resonated with Sandor.

It’s a very small, but not unremarkable shift considering how much of a jaded idealist cynic Sandor is. Death probably also has a way of memorializing Ned in a similar way to how separation causes Sandor to reframe Sansa’s courteousness as something he highly esteems; however, Sandor just can’t say that he was wrong these things openly, so you have to read between the lines. Later while telling Arya of his intention to return her to Catelyn and Robb, Sandor says he’s willing to wager that Robb won’t kill him:

If he doesn’t take me, he’d be wise to kill me, but he won’t. Too much his father’s son, from what I hear. – Arya IX, ASOS.

What Sandor is hoping for first and foremost is for Robb to take him into his service, right after stating that he’s done with loathsome and unappreciative masters. In an indirect way, it is an admission that Ned, Sansa, and the other Starks are not just different, but better. Still foolish because it would be “wiser” to kill someone like him, but definitely better. Sandor assumes Robb will be pointing his army toward King’s Landing to free Sansa, so he believes his Lannister intel will make him a valuable asset. “Maybe I’ll even kill Gregor for him, he’d like that.“ What’s also interesting is that he fantasizes about changing Robb’s negative opinion and winning his favor by taking down Gregor for him (in the name of the king’s justice), essentially fulfilling the duty Ned charged Dondarrion with. While he may think he’s got one over on Robb and his long-awaited revenge will be the cherry on top, his wording points to a subconscious desire to please and serve Ned through his stand-in eldest son. That he wants a chance to earn positive recognition from a worthy king, someone who Sansa also loves and admires. The thought eases the pain of his failures and screw-ups regarding her during the Blackwater. Except this goes up in smoke with the Red Wedding.

I don’t know if in the future Sandor will ever have any lines where he openly and positively speaks of Ned, but that would be something I would love to see. Since I am sure he and Sansa are bound to reunite, it would probably come up then. Or Ned’s presence could be quietly felt in the continuation of Sandor’s arc through his choices and actions. Or it could be both. We just have to wait until Winds to find out.

#valyrian scrolls #sandor clegane meta #sandor clegane #ned stark #sansa stark #sansan meta #robb stark #gregor clegane #beric dondarrion #asoiaf meta #my meta #character arcs #calamitylamb #sorry for the wait

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blazichu · 4 years

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tmnt but as humans for the au thing? or even if say they didn't have to live in the sewers bc "talking turtles strange". you can pick/interpret this however you want, haha

hm okay so if i were to narrow it down i think i would make it so they still were trained/raised by splinter but none of them were mutated. it has been. some time since i've seen tmnt so i can't quite remember if all the villains were mutants/monsters too or all the backstory details but if say the spill or mutagen had never happened then i wonder how that would change? i also would wonder how different dynamics would be if they weren't forced underground. lmk if you still need more specifics!

That’s great, Anon! Thanks for giving me a little more direction. I’m going to apologize in advance, because I got waaaay preoccupied with certain details, so it’s a lot more worldbuilding than it is putting together a definitive plot, but I’m hoping it still fits the ‘what would this entail?’ bill. Let me know if I missed the mark, though!

And standard disclaimer: even though this is an AU, it’s still heavily based on 2k3′s characters and versions of events. What can I say? It’s My Brand.

I’m not 100% sure what you meant by ‘none of them were mutated’, but I’m choosing to interpret that as something akin to Rise’s yokai situation, where non-humans are born that way. In this case, the “yokai” society and human society would be integrated, but that might be a newer development (within the past 100-300-ish years). TMNT has always used mutants, aliens and other non-humans as allegories for groups that have been discriminated against, and I feel like, even in a more tolerant setting, that would still stand. The humans and non-humans put up with each other, but aren’t on the best terms, and the humans are usually the aggressors. (I also want to make it clear that non-humans are human in all but body/looks-- some have features that provide some benefit or drawback (shells, for example), but there are no supernatural abilities inherently associated with it.)

Bear in mind that I’m writing this as someone who has only left the west coast to visit Ohio of all places, so if I make a Glaring New York Mistake, my bad. I feel like there’s no way the Hamatos live in New York County, so I’m going to tentatively say they’re based in the Bronx. Yes, I know. That was not the intention. Shenanigans can still happen in NYC, but I was breaking my own suspension of disbelief. There’s still some ninja-adjacent training, but most of it is more martial arts-focused-- both for protection in a potentially hostile world, and as a tradition. We still have the chain-of-adopted-parents-slash-teachers going, with Yoshi taking Splinter in, and Splinter raising the boys. An important butterfly-effect here is that if we’re classifying the Utrom as a subsect of non-humans, then a bunch of other stuff didn’t happen, and we could easily argue that Tang Shen would still be alive. She and Yoshi live together, and see their adoptive family somewhat regularly. In this version of events, I’m also thinking the guys know Casey from when they were kids. I could put together an AU variation of The Lesson to mesh with what we’ve already established, but this really isn’t the time.

Personality-wise, I don’t think a lot changes-- the most dramatic would probably be Leo, who, while still the eldest, doesn’t have the responsibility to lead his brothers. I mean, he still tries, but it’s less because he has to and more because of who he is as a person… and also because it drives his brothers up the wall. Splinter has the support of his own adoptive parents in this ‘verse, and I think that would take a lot of pressure of of Leo. Raph, while still frustrated with the state of the world, has learned better coping mechanisms and has more outlets to rely on; he’s easy/quick to rile up, but unless it’s something serious, he can deal with it, and he’d never go to any pipe extremes. I feel like, if anything, Donnie might inherit a bit of Raph’s temper; he’s still very much the ‘I want to help however I can’ humanitarian type, but would be fighting against all sorts of prejudices in order to do so. Still fairly self-conscious and thoroughly adorkable, though. Mikey still has his major vices, but he’s also in a situation where he can network properly, share his art and collaborate with other people, so I think that would become more of a focus for him, and he’d be a little more chill. Between Mike, Don and Raph, they know someone who can help with practically anything they need; Leo’s more reserved, and, while he can and does talk to other people, too much socializing can be a bit outside of his comfort zone.

So, in terms of plot, it feels appropriate to draw primarily from sociopolitical arcs. Thrilling, I know, but since the basis of this AU is ‘what if they lived on the surface’, I would want to focus on what all that entails. That being said, the Mouser intro is a series mainstay, and I don’t want to exclude all fantastic elements, but some things can/should probably be toned down. (I think current events have also proven that, even without the mutation danger, Outbreak would still be a perfectly viable threat.) So, maybe, under the guise of reducing the rat population, Stockman starts using the Mousers not to steal physical assets, but to collect data, which he then uses to anonymously blackmail/extort residents. This may or may not be part of a larger plan-- I wanted to draw inspiration from City at War in particular-- but I don’t have the galaxy brain to figure out what that is, right now. (Stockman’s the kind of recurring villain who, while people know he’s at fault, either can’t be definitively linked to an incident, or is just on the right side of the law. Every time he crops back up, people trust him less and less. Eventually, desperation drives him to work for/with Saki, and then Bishop, so he really should have quit while he was ahead, it’s just not a pun this time around.)

Just because I haven’t mentioned her yet, April’s definitely a part of this, but I’m not entirely sure how/where she fits in. I’m thinking that, instead of threatening her with the Mousers when she discovers what he’s been doing, Stockman might use some of his new connections to try to take her out as she goes home. Cue the classic rescue sequence. It’s kind of an abrupt change of topic, but I also want to keep the ‘Saki’s an Utrom’ reveal, though the impact is somewhat different here; I’m just not sure how to accomplish this without turning him into Sophia the Robot. There are so many things I haven’t even mentioned, and I feel bad that I haven’t really established a proper plot, but this is getting wildly out of hand, and I need to rein myself in.

As a parting point, in addition to City at War, I’d definitely want to incorporate parts of/themes from Still Nobody (wrt the Turks/gang recruitment), Garbageman (the homeless), and, of course, utilize the Purple Dragons.

#anon #replies #sorry it took me a bit!#Anonymous

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mojojomoto · 4 years

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PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT!

1. Declarative Assertion. Education is included in the bill of rights as a basic human right; ergo, no person should be deprived of education. On that note, we strongly believe that online classes should be temporarily suspended as we all face the pandemic that is looming in our country and other parts of the world. Conducting online classes as a substitute for traditional education only benefit privileged students, and education should be available and accessible to everyone, not just the affluent minority.

2. Definition. Online class/learning is defined as education conducted over the internet. It uses a system or platform which students utilize to view their course syllabus and track their progress. Commission on Higher Education placed it under distance education defined in the RA 10650 as a mode of learning in which students and teachers are physically separated from each other. It is student-centered, guided independent study, making use of well-studied teaching and learning pedagogies to deliver well-designed learning materials in various media. It is also sometimes described as flexible learning and distributed learning.

3. Description/Instances. This type of class is considered as a back-up plan if face-to-face classes are not attainable at a certain time. In fact, many universities had conducted successful blended classes in the past years, including De la Salle University and other top universities in the Philippines. However, with the COVID-19 pandemic being direly present, students see online classes as arduous to attend given the situation of many of them, and the requirements needed to conduct it. What students are advised to have include a stable internet connection, and a computer/laptop as means to access their online class accounts. Without these requirements, students will never be able to check their respective online class platforms and activities inside the comforts of their home.

4. Description. As the Commission on Higher Education (CHED) advised schools to shift on e-learning class or online classes as a precautionary measure while we are still facing this pandemic (COVID-19), majority of the students find this ineffective due to several reasons.

5. Instances. Online classes prevent students from learning, for not everyone has the financial, physical, and mental capacity to attend to their academic obligations in the middle of a pandemic. Students who live in a place with limited to completely no internet connection cannot comply to their course requirements whether they like it or not, because spending money to buy food and other necessities rather than load for mobile data is much more practical for everyone, most especially those families who are under financial crisis. Students without proper internet connection and/or gadgets are being left behind with their lessons and assessments. These are not their fault as everything that is happening is way beyond of their control.

6. Statistics. Student governments from Ateneo de Manila University (ADMU), University of the Philippines (UP) Diliman, De La Salle University (DLSU) Manila, and University of Santo Tomas (UST) conducted a survey on the challenges faced by every student in managing online classes. A total of 2,340 teachers and students from Luzon, Visayas and Mindanao responded to the survey, and the results are as follows: over 72% or 1,748 people agreed on the difficulty of understanding the lessons from online classes, 67% or 1,567 struggles due to their unstable internet connection, 64% struggles with large number of assessments, 43% were challenged with the strict guidelines such as attendance, and 22% lacks a computer or laptop to use in order to attend their respective course classes.

Based on the survey recently conducted by the College of Liberal Arts and Communication in De la Salle University-Dasmarinas, only 42% or 72 out of 170 students have a stable internet connection at home, while 51% struggles to use mobile data in accessing the school book meant for viewing lessons and finishing assessments, 3% and 4% of the respondents uses public Wi-Fi and internet cafes respectively.

7. Description. By now, students think that online classes and the assessments given were a mere requirement for students to pass, not its sole purpose of it, which is to learn and absorb the lessons handed down by their professors. This notion is supported by some professors and faculty members of various schools.

8. Testimonial. Jose Ramon Villarin, the president of Ateneo de Manila University, discerned the students’ difficulties in trying to conduct online classes, resulting to him handing down a memo to the Ateneans saying that the university will cancel its online classes in order to give leeway to students who are not able to access or have a hard time accessing the internet. As ADMU decided to cancel online classes, they also shortened the current semester and automatically pass all eligible students according to a letter released by Maria Luz C. Vilches, Ph.D., the Vice President for the Loyola Schools on 7th of April 2020. She also mentioned in the same letter that passing students is the “most humane way of dealing with student grades under the circumstances that we are in, where it is difficult and unfair to make a judgment of failure considering that students have not been given the benefit of a full semester to improve their performance.” Also taking into consideration that the country is under the Enhanced Community Quarantine which cuts the students’ resources to limited, however they are still encouraging the faculty to provide learning materials for students to study even on ECQ.

9. Testimonial. Aside from Ateneo de Manila University, Emmanuel A. Leyco, the University President of Pamantasan ng Lungsod ng Maynila, suspended the whole university’s online activities last March 18, 2020 to let the students, as well as the teachers, give more importance and priority to their health. Online classes of PLM are suspended until further notice by the same office. After a month and the pandemic still going about, PLM announced last April 22, 2020, that all students, will receive a passing grade for every subject during the pandemic. They have clearly understood the needs of their students, as well as the necessary steps to undertake for these people to cope up with the pandemic without compromising their education.

10. Example. Twitter netizen Franz Berdida voiced out his and his friend’s struggles on going up and down a mountain just to get a signal in order to accomplish an output for their finals despite the lack of streetlights in the area on a gloomy evening. In addition to this, he also experienced climbing a coconut tree for the same reason—to get a signal. They mentioned that risking doing these things are better than getting a failed mark on their report card.

11. Example. Another netizen, Maria, called out the suspension of online classes due to their unstable internet connection. Apparently, she was answering a 50-item exam when their connection was suddenly disrupted for 20mins, taking away her chance of finishing her exam. When Maria raised her concern to her professor, she was slammed with a rude reply stating, “ano gusto mo gawin ko” (what am I supposed to do). These are just some of the common occurrences to students who face difficulties of having a stable internet, if there even is, or signal to use for data connection.

12. Instances. The problem bothers not just the students, but also the professors. Going out of their houses just to either upload a lesson or an assessment, or submit their work is a risk they are taking just so they could comply and do their job.

13. Description. Aside from the challenges of having a stable internet connection and a pc/laptop to use, one reason as to why online classes should be suspended is because of the mental health of the students. Being put in an academic pressure under the pandemic where lives are at stake can damage one’s mental health.

14. Instances. Students and their families, in the midst of the pandemic, try their very best to survive one day at a time. Problems brought about by the enhanced community quarantine is already enough for many of them to experience stress and anxiety due to the lack of work, funds, and more, but some schools really have no consideration over these and still remain adamant on the continuous initiation of online classes adding more burden to the families of students, especially the impoverished ones. Some of them would completely disregard either their mental health in order accomplish their tasks, or their assessments as a way to cut off some of the problems they carry.

15. Testimonial. As mentioned by the National Union of Students of the Philippines, “to add academic stress to the pile would only make for a burden even more difficult to bear.” Not having the right mental capacity can lead students to abrogate their assessments; if they ever do it, it would be for the sake of passing and not for learning. This destroys the purpose of being enrolled in a school. Just like what Doris Yates mentioned, “if students wanted online classes, they would have registered for them and not be in the brick and mortar buildings.”

16. Example. An anonymous student submitted an entry in The UDM Files on Facebook publishing a screenshot on a series of conversation he had with his classmate currently suffering depression because of his family’s situation, and the stress continuously given to him by the non-stop assessments being thrown at them. His mother and brother got the virus and was sent in the hospital, while he stays at home, self-quarantining his self as he is considered as a person under monitoring during the time when the post was published. He’s been going through a lot, yet he cannot take a break from online classes as it is still required in their school.

17. Example. Jay, a netizen, also expressed her feelings online towards her worsening mental health due to everything that is happening in her life, including their online classes. Based on her post, she had been stuck in an “abusive household” for two months now, and her mental health is “seriously deteriorating” at this point.

Jay and this anonymous student’s story prove how online classes could be really detrimental to the mental health of students who are in extreme situations.

18. Restatement. Online classes would have been a good alternative to traditional education if everyone has the same socioeconomic status, however, this is only a dream we could hope for. The sad reality is that there are many students who go through distinct obstacles which challenges their capability to join online classes and accomplish their assessments. We stand for the suspension of online classes. Education should be inclusive to everyone.

REFERENCES

Ang, R. (2020). Student Announcements. Memo on Online Classes. Retrieved from http://gsb.ateneo.edu/student-announcements/memo-on-online-classes/

Bagayas, S. (2020). Students urge suspension of online classes during coronavirus lockdown. Retrieved from https://www.rappler.com/nation/255504-students-urge-suspension-online-classes-coronavirus-lockdown

Bagayas, S. (2020). Students of top 4 PH schools urge CHED to suspend online classes. Retrieved from https://www.rappler.com/nation/255852-students-top-schools-philippines-call-ched-suspend-online-classes-coronavirus-outbreak

OVPPA. (2020). All online classes, academic activities suspended until further notice. Retrieved from https://www.plm.edu.ph/news/announcements/all-online-classes-academic-activities-suspended-until-further-notice-2.

PLM. (2020). PLM to pass all students amid COVID-19 crisis. Retrieved from https://www.plm.edu.ph/news/announcements/plm-to-pass-all-students-amid-covid-19-crisis.

Unlisted. (2020). CHED tells universities to 'be lenient, help students' as classes shift online. Retrieved from https://www.philstar.com/headlines/2020/03/17/2001653/ched-tells-universities-be-lenient-help-students-classes-shift-online

Top Hat. (n.d.) Online Class Definition and Meaning. Retrieved from https://tophat.com/glossary/o/online-class/

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dvstbunny · 5 years

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hey my friends!! i am finally bringing in my danzig fc which i have meant to do for literal month but i always struggle with him the most muse-wise and i’ve revamped this particular muse with his fc multiple times... so we’ll see how well it goes this time and fingers crossing i can keep him around! this muse of mine may be a little less active at the moment while i try to find my footing with him, but i’ll be trying my very best! four is usually the maximum of muses i can keep up with because i prefer being as active as possible on my muses rather than sporadic and i had to debate long and hard about picking up another, so we’ll test the waters and see how it goes and if it doesn’t work out... it doesn’t work out! anyway he’s the most chaotic energy second to cy so... enjoy

TRIGGER WARNINGS: eating disorders, violence, cults, drugs, alcoholism, neglect, abuse

{ Dustin ‘Dusty’ Graves } is { 28 } originally from { Suicide Creek, Canada }. They spend their time as a { model, hairdresser, and drummer of Avant-Garde Society }. They live in the { The Chalet } and have been known to be { callous and flamboyant } but can also be { moxie and cosmopolitan }. They strongly resemble { Dustin Bates } and go by { he/him } pronouns.

name: dustin solara graves

nicknames: dusty, dustbin, dustbunny

birthday: may 25, 1989 (age 28)

hometown: suicide creek, canada (later los angeles, ca)

occupation: model, hairdresser, drummer of avant-garde society

orientation: panromantic pansexual

relationship status: single

children: none

education: bachelor’s in scientific research, cosmetology license

VARIOUS INFORMATION AND FACTS:

call him bash if you’re not close to him and he’ll probably kick you in the face

though his mother is originally from canada, he was born in paris, france, where she had moved a few years prior to his birth to follow the love of her life, a french businessman. the businessman wanted nothing to do with the baby and she was forced to return to canada and unable to afford him with her occupation, she abandoned him at an orphanage and subsequently, he grew up never knowing who either of his birth parents were, only his birth name

essentially raised in a monastery, one would think he would grow up to be rather religious. instead, he had too many questions and received answers that didn’t quite satisfy him and started to gravitate toward analyzing every piece of religion in the monastery that he could grasp and unfold it in a way he thought was most logical

throughout his childhood, dustin was extremely alienated by other kids in the monastery and the lack of attention and connection with the other children prompted him to begin growing more and more bitter with every passing year as he got older and began to vie for negative attention from the others and positive attention from the adults at the monastery

with a knack for exploring, he made a terrible mistake when he was around the age of eight: he wandered off the property and into the woods in the canadian winter. being he was still an adolescent with no cellphone and too deep in a place that he had no idea how to find his way out of, he found himself lost and unable to make his way back to the monastery and as the night hit and temperatures dropped, the cold and hunger began to set in, distressing the young boy

miraculously, a local hunter came across him a couple days later when an angry bear (likely woken from hibernation by starvation) tried to attack him. managing to get away with only a few scratches, the hunter took him back to his cabin to clean him up

to his misfortune, he wouldn’t be going back to the orphanage. this hunter in the middle of nowhere seemed to have darker intentions for him: as part of a strange- and likely satanic- cult, he wanted dustin to learn from his ways. those ways were not the kind any eight year old should ever be raised by, though, often violent and bloody with other people who were typically strangers and animals, acts of violence served as a marker for the older man’s idea of salvation or worship

living the rest of his youth in the middle of the woods like this, aside from going to school, he reluctantly took a part in what this father figure wanted from him. given he was so young when he was taken in, he never really thought to get out of the situation, simply letting it be for what it was. hating every minute of it, school became his only escape, opting to stay there as much as he could to work late on science projects that would win him hefty prizes and acknowledgements from his peers

his father figure was baffled by his love for education and instead of receiving pride for his excellent marks in school, dustin was physically and verbally abused with the accusation he was putting too much focus on it and not enough focus on the homefront. outside of his accomplishments, his father figure took little interest in what he did outside out of the house and often ignored him when he wasn’t expected to be doing something. frustrated by his father figure’s lack of care for him, he began acting out again, which only led to more violence between the two

eventually, the neglect and the abuse he received when he acted out took a toll on him, and he grew up to be a rather selfish person, and became incredibly guarded and mistrusting of letting other people in, struggling to make connections and holding people at arm’s length

he swore to himself that when he graduated at eighteen, he would never see him again and make a better life for himself. on the day of his graduation, he packed all his belongings up and quietly left the house, only to dump it elsewhere in the woods on the way to the high school and set fire to it with gasoline. after the ceremony was over, he asked his friend to help him get to los angeles on account of obtaining a full ride scholarship to attend as a student in the department of science at USC

almost immediately, he was signed onto an eight million dollar modeling contract with men’s vogue, and he couldn’t think of anything else he had ever dreamed of as much as that moment in time, free to stay in the country and as far away from his father figure as possible

ever a popular person, he quickly excelled and made his way through the business, getting to know all kinds of people in high places and experiencing the luxurious life for himself on his own- the good and the bad sides of it

though he had delved in plenty of partying in his high school years, and dabbled in social drug use at said parties, he never developed an addiction. when he was in hollywood, everything changed, starting with the development of his addiction to alcohol when he was nineteen, finding it as a way to cope and to tone down the harsh shades of his personality that blossomed as a result of his childhood

as always, the modeling business wasn’t as glamorous as it seemed, either. behind closed doors, he faced pressures to either lose weight or dehydrate himself in order to gain the illusion of the “ideal” body image of men- naturally wanting to keep the business happy and unable to deal with the anxiety every time he looked at the scale and felt as if he were still missing the mark, bulimia and anorexia reared its ugly head in dustin’s life

among the societal expectations of the modeling business and the partying, he faced other abuses that often remained hidden. someone was too rough here and there during a photoshoot- a manager, maybe- and he would leave covering a bruise, or the sketchier photographers of the business would drug him out of his mind to achieve the intended “look” and “aesthetic” of the shoot. in a way, he felt that at least on the bright side, it deterred him from ever considering doing drugs again, disgusted and mortified by the experiences he would endure, and at times still does

dustin chose to turn his life around when he was twenty, convinced by a mentor that he should check himself into rehab after news that cy’s sister was involved in a drunk driving accident that nearly killed her and cy’s brother, reluctantly- and grudgingly- giving in to accepting help from others, coming out the other end feeling more rejuvenated than he had in the past several, miserable years

life went on and he continued the same routine of frequent travel and business calls and so on, so forth over the next few years, purchasing a summer home in paris, and he graduated with his bachelor’s in scientific research a year early at twenty-one with high honors

unfortunately, the road to recovery couldn’t last forever, and he slipped back into the arms of his vices when he was twenty-two, drinking himself out cold one day when he was twenty-three and waking up in a hospital on the premise of a friend finding him and concerned by his extremely low pulse

luckily, the situation was enough for him to receive a wake-up call loud and clear and taking it upon himself this time to check into a rehab facility, searching for his own happiness and perhaps a scrap of self-love. at this time, he decided to take up cosmetology school on the side of the band he ended up in at twenty-four and managed to obtain his license

lacking confidence in himself to remain on steady ground after the first round, unable to find it in himself to make up for his lack of self-love, the sobriety only lasted until he was twenty-seven and he found himself crashing and burning back into old ways when he moved to queens in the big apple, entranced by the bustling life and atmosphere of it in a lonely way that drew him back to his demons

still has an apartment in los angeles and a summer home in paris, owns his own cosmetology studio in queens where he primarily deals with hair, but has other employees specialized in nail art. still a science nerd but isn’t really sure what he wants to do with that degree at the moment

despite his wayward upbringing, he remained to have a strong moral compass and actually grew to despise violence and lack violent tendencies

has a hobby of photography and painting, a soft side he doesn’t expose to many people to avoid being taken advantage of more than he already is, has never owned a pet in his life because he can barely care for himself, and can come off as an emotionless void with how terribly guarded he is, incredibly vain to the point he has to fix his hair when he walks by a mirror and has a rather sarcastic sense of humor

despite seeming like an asshole outright to try to keep people from getting close to him, anyone with patience or kind words can quickly gather that he is nothing short of a gentleman when it comes down to it, very hard-working and dedicated, and underneath a seemingly selfish personality is just someone who’s never experienced much affection and likes to pretend he’s allergic to it

probably carries a comb in his pocket, trims his own hair over his bathroom sink, wears nerd glasses, lives off of takeout but is an exceptionally decent cook, too many suits in his wardrobe and not enough normal clothes, passed out in the afternoon unless it’s work-related, and would stab someone in the back if he was given a reason to, terrible habit of smoking and cannot make coffee to save his life, lives life in the fast lane

still actively struggling with his alcoholism and eating disorders, starting to slowly come apart at the seams over the last year in the city out of struggling to make connections that really seem to matter

#queensrpooc #eating disorders tw #violence tw #abuse tw #neglect tw #alcoholism tw #drugs tw #cult tw #i think i've edited this all that i need to but i will double check over this #after i have made a quick phone call

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cinephiles-delight · 5 years

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“Avengers: Infinity War” and the Tradition of the Classical Hollywood Narrative

Avengers: Infinity War, the third film in the Avengers series and the nineteenth movie in the Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU), represents the culmination of a decade’s worth of comic book storytelling and the dramatic conclusion to a great many number of conflicts, events, and character arcs within the MCU. In bringing together over twenty heroes, most of whom have starred in leading roles in their own films, the Russo brothers were faced with the tremendous challenge of drafting a compelling story that meaningfully developed the arcs of each of its extensive cast of characters and allowed them to interact in an organic manner. To meet this challenge, they decided to draw on strategies from traditional cinema narrative and to adapt them to the needs of crafting a massive modern blockbuster. To that end, while Infinity War employs several of the same narrative strategies as traditional Hollywood films, the circumstances of its creation and the artistic pressures on the film led the filmmakers to utilize a sort of “intensified” classical narrative structure that elevates the film’s form to match the power of its spectacle. And though its basic premise may be high concept and relatively simple (antagonist attempts to collect a group of items while the protagonists fight to prevent this), the execution of Infinity War’s storytelling on the micro level is actually quite complex, relying on both classic formal elements and character investment from previous MCU installments to create meanings not fully derived from the film as it stands by itself.

Most of the formal elements of Avengers: Infinity War can be said to be taken directly from the classical Hollywood tradition, though the film may not superficially appear to have much in common with a classical Hollywood studio film. As a spectacular blockbuster, it adheres almost completely to the arguments set forth by Geoff King in his article Spectacle, Narrative, and the Spectacular Hollywood Blockbuster regarding the formal conventions of an epic Hollywood film, specifically that “they tell carefully organized, more or less linear cause/effect stories organized around central characters” (King 120). In line with that, the plot of Infinity War is strongly driven by character-centered causality, and every action taken in the film is clearly motivated. For example, part of the Russos’ strategy in juggling so many characters in one film was to divide the cast of characters into several groups, separated in space, that would battle Thanos at various instances, but to do that they had to write into the plot direct causes that would separate the heroes. This way, when the audience asks themselves “why are these characters where they are”, there is always an apparent and reasonable answer that relies on the previous actions of characters in the story. To illustrate, consider the following line of questioning: “Why are Iron Man, Doctor Strange, and Spiderman fighting Thanos on Titan?” Because they hitched a ride on one of Thanos’ spaceships that was going to Titan. “How did they come to be on the spaceship?” Ebony Maw had abducted Strange and was holding him captive onboard, so Stark and Spiderman staged a rescue mission. “Why did Maw abduct Strange?” Because Dr. Strange was in possession of the Time Stone, which Thanos needed to accomplish his goal of universal rebalancing. These sort of tight causal chains hold true at every juncture of the plot and there are little to no instances of coincidence progressing the plot, both of which are conventions of a classical Hollywood narrative. Even the events that may seem coincidental are motivated when investigated further: take the Guardians literally “running into” Thor, for example, which may seem like a rather large coincidence considering the vast expanse of space. We then, however, remember that the Guardians were called to the site of the wreckage of the Asgardian refugee vessel by a distress signal, the very same distress signal whose audio was played over the opening titles of the film. The recurring significance of minor plot elements such as these reinforces the idea that Infinity War takes advantage of the classical Hollywood technique of employing a tight narrative with strong character-centered causality.

The use of classical Hollywood storytelling strategies, particularly the aforementioned, is contingent upon having characters with clearly defined personality traits and goals that will act in a predictable manner, another area in which Infinity War follows traditional formal patterns. Take each character individually, and you will find that they all possess easily definable traits and goals: Iron Man is war-weary and seeking to minimize the human fallout of his actions while neutralizing the threat Thanos poses, Dr. Strange is fiercely rational and every action he takes will be to defend the Time Stone, Thor is stubbornly persistent and desperate for revenge, driven by righteous indignation at the murder of his brother and best friend, Star-Lord is “plucky” and self-centered, and anytime he acts it will be in a self-serving manner (either for profit or revenge), Captain America is a loyal soldier standing up against oppression of the innocent, etc. However, what sets Infinity War apart from a stand-alone classical Hollywood film in this regard is that it has a decade’s worth of stories from which to draw inter-textual significance and meanings, heightening our sense of familiarity with and investment in the characters. Not only is the viewer already familiar with the characterizations of Infinity War’s main players from previous films in the MCU, but also almost every character interaction or conflict in the film is written so as to reinforce them. We know Thor to be somewhat foolhardy and willing to take high personal risks in the hopes of a greater reward from events in the past films (such as in Thor when he throws himself into the mouth of a monstrous beast just to come out fighting through the other end) so it is no surprise to the audience when he decides to attempt taking the full force of a neutron star in order to forge himself a new weapon. His actions in Infinity War are incredibly dangerous and borderline suicidal, yet we are not surprised that he takes them because they do not contradict what we know about Thor’s personality from earlier Marvel movies. When Iron Man talks Dr. Strange into letting the spaceship take them to Titan in order to bring the fight to Thanos and avoid collateral damage to Earth, we understand that Tony is making this decision based on experiences from the previous films that we have seen shape his psyche. We remember the violent fates and horrific deaths of all those who perished in the Avengers’ battles that were shown to Tony as evidence of the necessity of the Sokovia Accords’ in Civil War, and we remember the lengths to which he went and the price that he paid in that film to ensure appropriate oversight was ratified and implemented. When Tony resorts to quips and one-liners in the face of an attack on New York by two of Thanos’ henchmen (“Earth is closed today”, “get lost, Squidward”), we are reminded that, in previous Marvel films, Tony has again and again resorted to cheap humor as a defense mechanism against having to cope with the gravity of a situation, and we remember that he has, for years, suffered anxiety attacks triggered by the original attack on New York and has been dreading the possible return of hostile alien forces. In almost every scene that features the Guardians of the Galaxy, each member of the team typically delivers one or more jokes, reminding the audience that these characters are meant to be, in some capacity, the comic relief (similar to how their films function in the MCU as a whole). Captain America attempts to fight Thanos in hand-to-hand combat with nothing but his bare fists and a pair of shields, consistent with what the audience knows of his never-give-up attitude and willingness to fight the good fight, no matter how outmatched he is (think of the back-alley beatdown he receives in First Avenger and his declaration that, “I can do this all day”). These are only a couple of examples from the film, but the same types of observations could be made about any member of the massive ensemble, and each demonstrates how the film as a whole takes advantage of the classical Hollywood convention of clearly-defined characters with unambiguous goals, while enriching this convention with added meanings by incorporating and reinforcing character traits and goals that the audience is already familiar with from the prior films in the franchise.

The film also makes use of several motifs to draw thematic parallels between story events and heighten the emotional impact of certain scenes, another technique common among classical Hollywood films. Most notable are two examples of dialogue motifs, concerning the relationships between Vision and Scarlet Witch and Vision and Captain America. When we first meet Wanda and Vision in the film, they are sharing a hotel room, and Vision asks Wanda to use her powers to try and see if she can determine if the Mind Stone is attempting to communicate with him. As she is using her powers to examine the stone, Vision asks what she feels, to which she replies, “All I feel is you”. Later, at the climax of the film, Vision demands that Wanda use her powers to destroy the stone (and consequently to kill him), and as he is reassuring her that it’s alright, he insists that he won’t feel any pain, saying “All I feel is you”. This simple phrase takes on a new and heart-wrenching significance, making the moment painfully bittersweet by using her own words to express that she could never hurt him and that any extension of her (including a lethal dose of her powers), is still a part of her and as such could only engender love within him. The second use of the dialogue motif/variation strategy occurs when Captain America informs Vision that forcing someone to kill him in order to prevent Thanos from collecting all six stones is too high a price to pay for victory, declaring that “We don’t trade lives”. In the climactic Battle of Wakanda, Captain America goes to rescue Vision from an attack by a member of the Black Order, and as he is fighting off the attacker Cap urges Vision to run away and save himself, leaving Cap at the mercy of his assailant. The camera follows their fight for a while, not showing Vision, so the audience assumes that he has fled, but when Cap is pinned to the ground and about to be killed Vision rams a spear through the attacker’s chest, reminding Steve that, “We don’t trade lives, Captain”. When he repeats Cap’s line from earlier in the film, the audience becomes more endeared of both Vision and Captain America, as we realize that not only was Steve right to take a hard-liner stance on the value of life, but also that Vision has grown in his ability to weigh issues of morality and empathy, in part thanks to Cap’s teaching.

After working through these examples from Infinity War, one may come to the conclusion that though, yes, the film does draw on the history of the MCU and established characterizations in order to be able to skip over some exposition and emphasize character decisions through imbued inter-textual meanings, on the whole its form takes roughly the same shape as the movies of the classical Hollywood era. This once again falls in line with Geoff King’s arguments and supports his assessment that, “Hollywood blockbusters… continue to invest strongly in narrative dynamics” (King 120). And while many epic CGI battle sequences define the visual spectacle and ostentation of the film, it is the strong, character-driven causal chain story structure that allows Infinity War to accomplish the herculean artistic task of delivering a visually dazzling crossover piece of unprecedented magnitude while still telling a compelling personal narrative that develops story arcs for a massive ensemble of heroes.

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