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iloveyouemanuelmarco · 1 month

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Hmm, I've been thinking(Okay so for context, for all my life up to now aka since being born technically, I was raised into a family household that believed in Christianity but mostly leaned towards the Catholicism parts of such since I've heard there are many different types of people of faith with all different names and traditions, customs and cultures of said interest and everything which I think is pretty cool in its own right atleast but anyways- From what I can remember from being apart of my small and average main family system, my mom along with my grandmother from her side of relatives and such, are seemingly the most passionate and active in the church when compared to my dad. My father isn't hateful about such beliefs nor is he even considered an aethetist or agnostic, but he hasn't been following many of the typical "rules" or societal normaly that is considered when being apart of said group. For example, while my mom and grandma go to church every Sunday whenever they can so they can worship our lord and savior of God and his son, Jesus Christ, my dad is often uninterested in traveling to make the literal 5-10 minute journey though he mostly stays inside anyways watching old movies from different foreign countries sooo(No hate to him by the way, if it pleases him then I hope he has fun doing that^^). I'll admit, while I do make attempts to go with my mom, I often find myself unable to due to disinterest, but it's not disinterest in him ofcourse. I would never ad I love him very much and always have, but it feels like even though I do care about our Holy Father and that I haven't directly rejected him, my current daily life atleast as of lately has been feeling like I have currently abandoned him somehow or that I have somehow drifted away from the right path and have become deaf to his word. It honestly makes me very upset since I should be more loyal and honest to him now that I think about it. I used to be such a happy little girl who would pray every day in the morning before school and at every night before bed. I used to go to a private religious catholic school where I would go to church there sometimes too(half of the time it was mandatory on certain days during the hours but still)and even if I didn't understand everything due to my young age, I would quietly sit and listen I'm an attempt to learn more about the holy scriptures and such with my classmates and the other students from different grades/ages. I used to prepare for the moments during one's usual journey, being excited that I would become closer to God by wearing my white dress and getting baptized with other certain selected students(I don't remember what the specific event was called but I remember it being very important to me at the time)and I don't know...I sorta miss it. I miss being so happy and careless of all my anxieties but now I am stuck here...I don't want to stray away from God's love any longer, I don't want my true reality to break away because it makes me afraid of if I somehow commit some sort of unforgivable sin that'll destroy any sense of humanity I have left...(I know that sounds dramatic but please. I am really trying to make a solid attempt at explaining all of this right now so as complex as it may seem, keep in mind that my brain is starting to function again for once in the dying light that is my empty and boring life that while I am still grateful for, has been causing me much hurt and pain in so many ways). Currently I am a 16 year old eurocentric and privileged middle-class white-latino feminine presenting person who is actually a member of the LGBTQIA+ and neurodivergent community too according to doctors/psychiatrists or something(I don't know, that's what my dad has said since my late diagnosis at 12 which is that even late?? It's so confusing at times ughh but that's just how it is I guess haha).

On the internet, specifically here and on the couple of social media platforms that I publicly have, I have used these safe spaces to more accurately and honestly express myself when it comes to my identity not only when it comes to sexuality and gender but also with the intersectionality of my race and ethnicity, my hobbies, interests and talents, my wants and needs and etc. I have said before that I am a privileged and middle-class eurocentric 16 year old white-latino feminine person in real life but actually wants to present as more of who I am being a bisexual(male preference having)aceflux female to male transgender person who to be honest is probably more of a mostly male but still bigender or genderfluid person since I still feel connected to growing up in perceived girlhood but I don't know yet...who does know though at that point???Pfttt...I don't hate my body and I know God made me beautiful in my own way just like all the other unique people he created all through out the history of the planet Earth, but sometimes it can be hard since I think the most queer people see me as is just maybe a bisexual cis girl who might be on the asexual spectrum???I hope I am making some sort of sense with my explanation...somehow so with all that being said, I guess I've had some sort of short epiphany in my brain where I've realized something important for me that I've almost forgotten. I need to actively take steps to come back to God and I know somewhat of how to do it but I would appreciate a little more help from others with more expertise aka experience for those who don't have a big and fancy vocabulary in their inner-mind library haha- I do sincerly apologize if I have caused genuine annoyance for anyone with this post for whatever reason as my normal posts are coming back soon once I get back online but for now, I need to go study and do more research on how I can save myself and others for when he comes again. I know it sounds scary but it's actually wonderful so please don't be scared of him, because he loves us all no matter what and nothing can turn us away from him. Worship him and confess your sins because it's good to be honest and he loves you, after all he knows you best like you know yourself since he created the beautiful building of love and passion got the world that is your soul. It's never to late to choose him and to spread the good word of the gospel<3. Please stay safe and have a good day or night wherever you are and thank you if you've read the entire paragraphs of rambles I've written haha. I really do appreciate your support whether it be here, there or anywhere else!!:)You must keep surviving for you and I, for us and eachother but also for him too...

Also P.S: Hope you guys don't mind but I'm gonna put a nice scenery image here since I like being calmed down and enjoy embracing the beauty of nature, especially when we're lucky enough as humans to photograph the right moments atleast!!Other animals sadly only get to enjoy it in the moment which can be too fast since they're constantly needing to survive actively♡.

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its-ticsticstics · 4 months

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Hey, I saw your post on things that can give you tics and what can’t and I have a few questions.

About 1/2 a year ago I developed tics, and I mean BAD. Happened over the course of a few days and it hit me like a damn semi (mainly because I’m in middle school in a small town and people are assholes, they’ve chilled out by now though).

A few months ago I went in to see a professional psychologist (at least I think that’s what he was, it’s something along the lines of that), when I got my results back I was told that the only things I had were minor ADHD, depression, and severe social anxiety. I was told that literally all of my major issues (unable to stay still, randomly going nonverbal, inability to make eye contact, and the tics) were because of the anxiety and now I’m seeing a bunch of posts like yours and I really don’t know who to believe.

Could you maybe provide me with a few articles so I can figure, like, figure a few things out?

(Also I would like to add that I have 41 tics as of current)

Hope I’m not being too too much of a bother/rude! Have a good day/night/afternoon.

(One more thing, I am writing this on 2 hours of sleep so anything I said that was stupid/grammar mistakes can be blamed on that)

First!

I can't diagnose you, but in my almost (haven't graduated from uni yet) professional opinion would to get a Cunningham blood panel test for PANS/PANDAS/BGE.

The sudden onset paired with periods of mutism (inability to speak) along with tics sounds like the source could be brain inflammation in the very early stages.

If a blood test rules this out, it could just be the classic Tourettic Triad of symptoms of ADHD/OCD/ASD but this would also need to be diagnosed by a neurologist. Reading about tics is not enough to give yourself a diagnosis- it is a neurological disorder and not the same as self diagnosing ADHD or autism. People can DIE from misdiagnosed tics.

Unfortunately, especially those who are AFAB, are likely to be misdiagnosed and have a harder time being diagnosed with a tic disorder or Tourettes than AFAB counterparts.

The fact that you weren't sent to a neurologist to evaluate your symptoms is medical neglect and you deserved better.

Second-

The argument that anxiety can't cause tics really comes from the fact that there are NO studies to prove anxiety causes tics. There are no studies to say they don't, because there is no clinical or scientific evidence that they do in the first place. It's sort of like asking "use scientific studies to prove to me that Santa Claus doesn't exist" .. You can't find those studies because everyone already knows Santa Clause doesn't exist so no one does a study on that in the first place. In this scenario, anxiety tics and Santa Claus are the same thing.

All studies agree that anxiety can worsen EXISTING tics, but none say that anxiety alone c a u s e s tics. Those are two very very different things. Ticcing when anxious does not mean being anxious makes you tic, it means that being anxious worsens and makes noticable tics that you already have.

What I can give resources to though, are genuine Tourettes and Tic Disorder websites:

#tics #actually tourettic #anxiety tics #tics and tourettes #tourettes #tourettes syndrome #pans/pandas #motor tics #vocal tics #tic disorders #tic disorder

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asukamood · 3 months

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Target Syndrome (EX)

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Hello everyone! So, I’m currently in the process of writing the next part of BTH as I’ve noticed a lot of you have taken a liking to that series (I have as well, torturing Hacker is just too much fun for me) and I realized that you guys would be very confused concerning some aspects that I am planning on placing there.

The reason for that is I’ve changed and added a lot of headcanons to Hacker’s backstory (like, a lot) such as a fictional disease that I am going to present right now.

This post is an explanation post, it might not be the most entertaining thing ever and I am quite sorry about that, but I can hardly think of a way to explain the subject in a story like I am going to with the psych ward episode.

Anyway, enjoy?

***

What is Target Syndrome?

It is the name given to the disease caused by a soul malformation. It is a rare disease, having only 300 000 cases registered in the multiverse ever since it was first discovered in 1925. Its name stems from the shape the soul tends to take in most cases.

This disease affects both the physical and mental health of an individual, the severity of said impact depends on the stage reached by the individual.

How are individuals affected by the disease diagnosed?

The shape of the individual’s soul is both very useful to detect whether an individual is affected by the disease and how far the disease has spread. Since soul screening often requires magical equipment, universes whose inhabitants lack magic have a difficult time to accurately diagnose patients.

(Note: Patients are often misdiagnosed as depressed or anxious.)

Besides soul screening, no accurate method of diagnosis exists.

What differentiates the stages from another?

Stage 1: The patient's soul is a usual heart-shaped organ. The only difference with a regular soul is that there is a visible white outline inside of the heart. At this stage, the patient is hardly distinguishable from any regular individual. The only thing that could distinguish them would be the unusual pang of pain one would feel sometimes. However, these pains are bearable and are mostly overlooked.

Stage 2: The patient’s soul is an upside-down heart; the presence of the white line can still be seen. The pains that were mentioned earlier get worse by this stage. They get so bad that it is not uncommon for patients to be rendered unable to function properly because of these. They may also display constant signs of distress or general discomfort. Some of their limbs may also cease to function properly temporarily.

Stage 3: The patient’s soul will be shaped like a round target, the white line now more prominent. The pains are now (almost) constant and unbearable, being so bad that patients affected by this pain can be heard screaming or passing out. They will show themselves to be hostile to most people, as well as hot-tempered, defiant and defensive. They are more likely to engage in dangerous behaviors for both themselves and the people around them. Severe signs of distress including, but not exclusive to, self-harm, suicidal tendencies or frequent meltdowns.

Stage 4: Their entire body will hurt as if they were burned alive. They would not be coherent enough to say anything intelligible or be aware of their surroundings. In that state, they do not, or rather cannot, react to external stimuli. Medication does not have any effect on the pain felt by the patient. After 12 hours, the patient succumbs to the disease as their soul, distorted and broken, is unable to provide enough energy to keep their organs functioning.

(Note: There are “in-between” stages that mix the symptoms of two different stages.)

What are the causes of the disease?

Its origins are unknown, though it is not a hereditary disease nor a mutation of a gene. A correlation between the soul state, the body state and the production of serotonin and dopamine (and other hormones of this type) has been established. However, the exact cause and effect relationship between these factors have yet to be determined.

Does a treatment against the disease exist?

No, currently, no treatment can cure the disease. However, reverting a patient to a preceding stage is possible thanks to a consummation of specific dosage of anti-depressants and/or anti-anxiety medications.

Although, this method is rarely employed as the administration of a different dosage than the recommended one threatens the patient’s well-being. This applies to other medications as well, including painkillers.

The environment in which a patient is kept also seems to have a direct effect on the development of the disease. Without the aid of medications, it is possible for a patient to revert to the previous stage if the environment they are in is in favor of recovery.

***

Hacker is affected by that disease no matter what AT or AU is used.

Relevance to BTH: During the first two posts of BTH, Hacker was in Stage 1. From Hurt to According to plan, Hacker was in Stage 2.5, closer to Stage 3 than Stage 2.

Relevance to BTH-2: ---

#dreamswap #angst #explanation #explanation post #bad things happen #hacker #ds hacker #dreamswap hacker #fictional disease

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handhourgalleries · 1 month

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Life update rant. Not very uplifting and its terribly long, so its under a line for people that don't want to subject themselves to it.

After having our car finally towed to a mechanic that agreed to replace the head gasket on the engine for an affordable price that my mother in law offered to cover, mechanic states that rust has developed in the engine that apparently demands either a rebuild of the engine or total replacement, which bumps up the cost of the car repair to a ridiculous amount no one can pay. We are now being asked if we want to have the car scrapped. Doubt we will get anything remotely feasible for it to help toward the purchase of a new car in the near future, but I suppose we'll see what happens. Having no car in the USA is just a slow suffocation of resources, which we have little of.

My spouse and I are currently still unemployed, even after trying to apply for different places within walking distance - we are often told that the actual location is elsewhere, and we aren't getting there without a car. Bus stop is a 30 minute walk just to even get to ride a bus, takes 2 hours to get anywhere from there after bus transfers.

Luckily my husband is able to draw unemployment - I was unable to get accepted for it myself since I was fired in February (for my unstable attendance due to an undiagnosed medical condition). My oldest son is still able to help with his own job, though only on the weekends, which he is trying to keep up on with Uber rides. I'm trying to make do with applying for a remote job that will accept online working from something that doesn't require ethernet, as I don't have access to that. Trying to get hired on to a company currently that can potentially pay me part time. So I am currently hinging my life on promoting art commissions right now to help...which has not been as successful as I would like, sigh.

We are also trying to support my other 2 children who are on the spectrum, and they are enrolled in a vocational program to help them to be more self sufficient in their adult lives. I am hoping more resources will become more available to them individually when they can finally get the diagnosis they need from their assigned therapists. I am so, so proud of all my spawn and what they try to do, and my rock of a husband, and some days they are the only thing that keeps me from wanting to walk into oncoming traffic and put myself out of my useless existence, quite frankly lol.

Money is severely tight, most times we can only afford to pay our weekly rent and little else. We are trying to take advantage of food pantries but most depend on actually being able to drive there to pick up the food, which connects back to our primary issue with the car. But we have basic internet access and shelter and potential connections for help, and in-laws that understand the situation and are trying to help to the best of their own ability. Very survival mode right now. I am trying to not lose hope. Some days are harder to smile than others, definitely.

#rant #personal

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venusmages · 1 month

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Hi! I'm so happy for you about your diagnosis and the meds working for you and I was wondering if you'd be okay sharing what they gave you? I totally understand if you don't want to share medical info like that though. So please just ignore this if you want. It just sounds so much like what I've been dealing with, unable to do really anything for so long, and I am trying to get diagnosed and would love to know what meds might be helpful to ask about if I do

thank you! i don't mind answering at all! (CW for medical talk including neurodivergence and ED mention)

I've only been on medication for two days but, for me, it's already made a huge difference. I've known I'm on the spectrum for several years, but with how my autism presented I've never really considered it to be a disability/I'm able to mask pretty well IRL. ADHD however felt like getting hit by a semi-truck explaining EVERYTHING from my mood swings, to my chronic fatigue, my seeming inability to DO anything on time, forgetfulness and depression - and even my eating disorder (binge eating is a symptom of ADHD and I've struggled with it my whole life). I know it's not a cure-all but I've already felt more at ease and capable for the past two days than I have the past five years. I'm not "stuck", physically and mentally.

I'm currently on Concerta, and I'm having no trouble so far! A good friend of mine is on it too and seems to like what it does for her. My wife (who's been diagnosed for a few years and is the one that told ME to get tested lol) recently switched to Vyvanse and they're REALLY enjoying it. Both are are 'extended release' adhd meds so they're supposed to last more or less a full work day. I take mine at like 7:30 AM and it doesn't fully wear off until like 6 PM or longer. Warning, though, if you have disordered eating where you eat too little, both medications drastically reduce your appetite. You may also be limited if you have heart issues.

If you're in the USA and don't have reliable health insurance and you DO get medicated, I highly recommend GoodRX! Generic Concerta where I am is like $200+ uninsured, but through GoodRX coupons it's like 30 bucks at my local pharmacy. Super worth it.

#costplus drugs is REALLY good also if youre not taking a controlled substance #(they cant fufill those)#my wife has a medication thats usually 1000$ GENERIC but its like #15 through costplus drugs #have used both services and they're great #no art here

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spencerrscardigans · 2 months

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─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

blog introduction!

hello! finally, after a long time of wanting to, i finally decided to make a blog! as i am still planning and putting everything together, i thought that i may as well post an introduction post!

my main focus for this blog likely will be for writing some original work and mainly fanfic writing, talking about and analyzing literature (i may make a separate blog for this), and chronic illness/disability content!

my inspiration to create this came from my longtime longing to write and share my own work as i have been an avid reader, especially of fanfics, and i have many, many, ideas living in my head. i originally started planning out a few (a lot) of multi chapter stories, both fanfics and original work/ideas, and i had everything planned out thoroughly, however since i had never committed to writing something to that extent, i thought where best to start than with one-shots and short stories!

besides the writing, i also was inspired to post about and make content about chronic illness and disability as it is something that i live with and is a big part of my life, and when i first started my “journey” of learning how to live with these things, i felt very alone and craved to have somewhere where i could relate and feel less alone in my experiences, so my hope with this blog is to be a place and resource to do such a thing that i, and likely many others would seek out.

about the person behind the blog!

you can call me mae, and my pronouns are she/her! i am seventeen years old, and in the future, i would love to peruse research, with my main goal/dream being to go to medical school to become a doctor!

i am chronically ill, and have (unofficial diagnosis) hypermobile-ehlers danlos syndrome (hEDS), postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome (POTS), and due to what we think was caused by prolonged physical pain and emotional trauma, i have developed central sensitization and fibromyalgia, which is a neurological disorder that essentially means my central nervous system amplifies and sends incorrect signals to my body.

i am neurodivergent, and have adhd, and i also highly suspect that i am autistic, however i am unable to get a diagnosis. i also struggle with mental illnesses, and have depression, anxiety, obsessive compulsive disorder, anorexia (in recovery!), and cptsd.

despite being sick, i have always been highly ambitious, and (when my health permits/permitted it) i have picked up many hobbies and interests! some of these hobbies/interests include sports, and i played soccer for years, did badminton at school for a little while, went to a basketball camp (which i did not like), and my current sport being riding horses, though i had to temporarily pause until my health allows it again, but when i can handle it i will definitely be getting back into riding! i have also picked up and attempted to learn a few instruments, some being with my schools band, and others i picked up on my own, including clarinet, saxophone (tried both tenor and alto, but preferred and more so stuck to tenor), piano, and guitar!

i also love reading, educating myself on pretty much anything i possibly can, but especially science related things, writing, poetry, baking, gardening, photography, knitting (attempting to) and crocheting, sewing, and would also love to get into pottery!

i am a huge animal lover! in my life, i have had hamsters, guinea pigs, a bunny, and dogs! and now currently i have 3 adorable rats, and i also have a cat who is my pride and joy lol. in the future if my lifestyle permits it, i would love to have more animals, and would also love to rescue and foster!

i love listening to music, with some (but not limited to) of my favourite artists being david bowie, the smiths, hozier, taylor swift, phoebe bridgers, tv girl, mac demarco, mitski, and big thief! (inspo for some of my writing)

some of my favourite tv shows, movies, books and general fandoms i am in include (in no particular order) the walking dead, fleabag, all the bright places, criminal minds, bones, the last of us, dead poets society, harry potter, house, greys anatomy, and stranger things.

plans i have for my writing

i have many, many, writing ideas, especially for fanfics and one-shots (will often include themes of chronic illness and mental health), and some of (but not limited to) the characters i will be writing (platonic and romantic) for include:

(for marvel) peter parker (mainly tom holland and andrew garfield’s spider-man’s), pietro maximoff, bucky barnes, matt murdock, stephen strange, natasha romanoff, loki, bruce banner, and tony stark

(for twd) daryl dixon, rick grimes, maggie greene/rhee, glenn rhee, carl grimes, rosita espinosa

(for tlou) joel miller, ellie williams

(for criminal minds) spencer reid, aaron hotchner, emily prentiss, derek morgan

(for harry potter) fred and george weasley, remus lupin, sirius black, james potter

(stranger things) steve harrington, eddie munson, robin buckly

there is probably many characters missing from my list above, which is why i will be creating a separate post that will go more into detail about the characters i plan on writing for. i will also be creating a separate post that goes more in detail about the types of writing that i will do, and the types that i will not write, and will include a link for requests.

as my writing/blog progresses, i will be making a navigation post that will have links to important information like my blog rules, masterlists and etcetera, but i thought that i might as well include some info here so you know what to expect!

#intro post #introduction #introductory post #meet the blogger #fanfiction #fanfic #writing #marvel #bucky barnes #matt murdock #peter parker #spiderman #the walking dead #daryl dixon #criminal minds #spencer reid #chronically ill #chronic illness #chronic pain

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ammg-old2 · 11 months

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Chronic illness is well hidden from society.

Before I had a name for what ailed my body, I thought of myself as dehydrated and out of shape. I believed that the physical discomfort I’d experienced for years — numbness, pain, tingling and pins-and-needles sensations throughout my body — must be traceable to a cause of my own making. At that time, I looked at chronic illness as an outsider. It was a thing that happened to others, not to me.

That changed on Christmas Eve 2014, when a neurologist at NewYork-Presbyterian Hospital read my M.R.I. and confirmed that I had relapsing-remitting multiple sclerosis. This form of the disease, as the name implies, is characterized by unexpected flare-ups and periods of remission.

I was 26. I realized right then that my dream of being an artist, and the unconventional lifestyle I expected along with it, was over before it began. Four months after my diagnosis, I received my first infusion of high-dose intravenous steroids. In the fall of 2015, under the care of a neurologist, I began a monthly intravenous treatment of medication that blocks immune cells from entering the brain and spinal cord. I travel 65 miles to a site in the Hudson Valley for the infusion therapy.

Treatment has been successful, and I have remained in a state of remission while taking it as recommended — every 28 days, indefinitely. But even today, nine years into managing the illness, I struggle with the chronic nature of my condition. I am always aware that if lose my access to regular treatment, I’ll be at risk of severe disability.

Though I don’t like to admit it, every choice I make is determined by my need to maintain uninterrupted access to medical care. This has made my illness the truest navigational force of my life. Rather than orient myself to the cycle of the moon, I orient myself to the cycle of infusion. And it has become a system in my creative work. My body is a clock.

Every 28 days, I point the camera toward myself to document my illness and care. I have used my time as a patient in the infusion suite, a place where I sometimes feel powerless, to reclaim my autonomy as an artist and photographer.

In the infusion suite, both my body and my mind become containers for information. My body holds the new intelligence of the medical drip. As the fluid flows through my body and into my bloodstream, my mind is usually inundated with information from the staff.

Since my diagnosis I’ve thought often of my aunt, who has lived with progressive multiple sclerosis for years. Without health insurance, she did not have access to advanced imaging, diagnostic testing, medication or lifestyle guidance until her disease was very advanced. Instead, she found ways to self-medicate. Now in her early 60s, she is immobile, hardly able to speak and unable to navigate the social programs for which she is eligible.

Whether or not we’re aware of it, we all live in fragile bodies that require tremendous care and attention to function. Each and every one of us exists on a spectrum of illness, often dipping in and out of it. And yet, we also exist in a culture where it is taboo to talk about being sick, and the taboo can allow shame to fester among those who are chronically ill.

Still, I choose not to dwell on the scarier moments of managing the disease — the psychological burden and angst caused by my symptoms as well as the precarity and inhumanity of health care access and costs in the United States. The sophisticated treatments that exist today make this the best time in history to live with multiple sclerosis — if you can get access to care. The politics of this cannot be avoided. To be sick is political.

Maintaining all the pieces to continue to receive care in the current system is exhausting and stressful to navigate. Patient education and advocacy have been critical to my health care experience.

I came of age and of illness after the Obama-era Affordable Care Act established protections for people with pre-existing and chronic conditions. Yet even with this framework and my participation in private insurance, now supplemented by my employer, the recurring thought of losing my coverage and being denied my medication causes me much distress.

We are not prepared for problems that cannot be solved, and living with that reality is part of being chronically ill. There is no practical end. How do we break the silence to begin to discuss pain, loss, a broken health insurance economy, overworked nurses and the precarity of care?

With the coming 2024 presidential election, there will surely be renewed calls to repeal and replace Obamacare. The threat and fear of losing access to care will loom for millions. Even with the recent and ongoing events of the Covid pandemic, an adequate and sustainable system remains out of reach. Hundreds of thousands of Americans have already lost and are still losing access to care as Medicaid pandemic protections expire.

Political responses to this crisis of care matter. But so do personal and artistic ones. What if chronic illness, long concealed and misrepresented by popular culture, was made more visible? What if it was more often a subject for art?

#politics #american politics #medicine #healthcare #disability #ableism #insurance #medical insurance #photography #multiple sclerosis #needles tw

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rotblume · 4 months

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y’all wanna hear something funny ?

the thing is, when others “complain” about any aspect of me living with Non24, it’s - naturally really - usually the hypersomnia part they focus on (e.g. sleeping till noon and missing out on things during the day) .. and that is a real nuisance, the main reason for my “certified disability attest” is missing like 35-50% of the life going on around me, but for me, the insomnia part is almost worse: being exhausted, tired, but not sleepy and instead physically unable to fall asleep during the night

yet another funny thing?

for months and months on end and this over years, by now almost a decade, I have - not quite willingly, and before my diagnosis not even quite knowingly, but intentionally all the same - ignored my body’s signs that it needed rest - so that I could go to school and sit in Uni lectures before the diagnosis; so that I could take care of my terminally ill Ma even after understanding what’s “wrong” with me - and so by now, it happens far too often that I simply don’t even notice the signs because I have trained myself to deal with it - in a similar way that I have managed to build up an already high pain tolerance to an even higher pain tolerance because of chronic pain .. though there are also still more than enough days &/ nights where it's the pain that's keeping me awake ..

anyway, here comes the insomnia-part of my whole Non24 shtick into play: if I don’t use the sleep window that opens - the time where my body wants me to sleep - ‘cause I don’t even recognize its existence, it just closes up again and I have to wait another day for the next opportunity to fall asleep - and hope I don’t miss that chance as well ..

that’s why - only a week after my last (at least partially intentional) 60 hour shift cause of an important Uni workshop - I am preparing for a long day to become a (far less intentional) 35-40 hour episode of “I can′t get no sleep” after too many hours awake for the day, realizing 'I must have missed my latest sleep window, cause I was focusing on something else' .. or mayhaps I am currently back in the mindset of "not wanting to sleep because I'm afraid to miss my Ma needing my help and I cannot allow that" as I'm subconsciously just waiting for some bad news from yet another, my next closest, family member currently suffering serious health problems

I'm getting too old for this stuff - and I'm only in my mid-twenties ..

10 years ago I could handle 2-5 hours sleep per 24 hours, 5-6 days a week for months over years; even 5 years ago, I could semi-regularly deal with 2-3 days only on caffeine and power naps, and generally needed much less sleep, instead fueled by concern and grief and pain

now, I'm exhausted .. and I'm tired, is the thing .. but: I am not sleepy

so I can just as well scream into the void and silently rant, for rage is simpler than tears

#invisible disability #non24 #idiopathic insomnia #idiopathic hypersomnia #chronic pain #mental health #self care

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redd956 · 1 year

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CW: Redd ranting about psychology frustrations

Thinking about swapping my art minor into a psychology minor (I already completed the starter classes in high school), but self diagnosis culture already gets my blood pressure up and I don’t anymore of a reason to hate it.

I see the same damn arguments defending it, which is wild alone, and it irks me even more as someone who grew up so dirt poor. People need to learn that: their symptoms ARE valid and that the self diagnosis ISN’T.

There is a reason as to why you require a medical professional and lots of work to get a diagnosis. Yes there are bad psychiatrist, doctors, everything out there. Yes the American healthcare system is from the bottom level of hell. Yes the DSM-5 is a fucking mess and needs an entire revamp for so many reasons.

None of that means self diagnosing is going to help you in any way. Your symptoms are valid, if assurance and validity is what you’re looking for. Seeing shit? Don’t presume you have schizophrenia. It could be schizo-affective disorder, hypnogenic hallucinations, PTSD, a bad blunt whatever, it could even be a physical ailment. You seeing shit is valid though. It is a terrifying and valid experience, and looking into that and doing research can really help you.

Looking into particular disorders and stuff can also help you, as it can guide you into the future were you might want to take a diagnosis or tackle a symptom if you see fit.

Going I most definitely have this leads to stereotyping, misinformation, difficulty for treatment for those that the disorder, increases ableism against those diagnosed, doctors and medical workers becoming skeptical, ruining and invading on the culture of those actually with the disorder (I primarily see this with ASPD), making difficult in the future to continue research on mental health.

Of course its all a different story if its a disorder that is so blatantly obvious no one can ignore it. You should be mad at the United States healthcare system and not people against self diagnosis if you are unable to reach or afford proper mental healthcare or good doctors.

I myself am struggling with my current one, because they focusing on symptom for too long, and not what I want to look into. It happens. I’ve had bad primary care physicians too but I’m not going to go home and diagnose my physical ailments.

Not to mention how deadly it is. If you self diagnose and then go to a doctor and they roll with it, you could get treatment for something you don’t have and that can really really really mess you up. You also could be consuming the treatment products of a disorder you don’t have, that other people need. The United States runs out of healthcare stuff a lot, and you’d be surprised that it’s mostly because trends have caused people to bullrush particular medical products.

It invalidatess and makes the jobs more difficult for the good doctors actually out there, and people looking to become doctors.

YOUR SYMPTOMS ARE VALID

YOUR DIAGNOSIS COULD NOT BE

Anyway I’m done ranting, because again it gets my blood pressure up.

#redd vents #cw mental health #cw ableism #not whump #not writing #psychology

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yzeltia · 1 year

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Y'zel Tia's Happiest Starlight Day 10

Title: Sleigh Ride by The Ronnets

Characters: U'rahn Nuhn, @driftward's Nyx Blackmoon

Rating: T for Tia True Nuhn

Notes: Thanks to Driftward for helping me with dialogue and my frequent mechanical issues!

"I have arrived, Rahn."

The Nuhn's ears perked as he heard the monotone of his friend. Cheeks pink, he turned, mouth full of mint leaves, chomping on them to help ease his aether sickness from the port. Swallowing, he shuddered then blinked at his friend, Nyx seeming to be unphased as the cold winds of Dragonhead bustled around them.

"You came!"

"You requested to meet you at Camp Dragonhead at this hour."

U'rahn nodded then tilted his head before pulling off his backpack to root around inside, letting vials of potions and materia spill over until pulling out his favorite red varsity jacket. "Here, you can wear this to keep warm," he offered.

Nyx stared back blankly, "I can regulate my temperature."

The Nuhn's eyes widened a bit. "Really? That's so cool! I'm from the desert and radiate heat cause of all the aether spilling out of me or something...but the snow still gets to me...You could wear this though to keep the snow off you though."

Nyx stared some more, and then took the garment from the eager Miqo'te, adorning it swiftly as he started to cram the spilled items back into his bag. Once repacked, he waved Nyx forward and headed north of the camp, climbing up a steep hill where Carrots waited in Starlight barding.

"Alright, where did I put it...," the Nuhn sighed, crossing his arms before wandering around until he found a rather large shield with a scraped-up drake painted on it, handles unbolted on the inside, "Here we go! I'd wax this up and use this in the Sagoli to go sand sledding. Shouldn't be too much different doing it in the snow right?"

"The wax used to reduce friction on sand is unnecessary for snow."

U'rahn blinked, then nodded, pretending to understand as he sat the shield down atop the hill. "Sure, sure. Climb in front of me and we can go!"

"I will monitor our speed so that you may have an accurate measurement to compare your sand sledding to, Rahn."

U'rhan wiggled his ears as she sat stiffly in front of him. "Well, I'm not sure if I know my speed on the sand...aside from really fast."

With a nod, he looked back to Carrots. The bird trotted forward then pushed the two with its beak, and down they went in a flash. U'rahn's eyes watered as he howled with excitement, holding Nyx tight as they zoomed at breakneck speeds. Approaching the Witchdrop, his tail perked high, "No no no no no no."

Nyx shifted their weight, "Do not be alarmed. Our current velocity will not result in plummeting to your death. Please remain still; though, should you be injured I am proficient in the medical skills required to treat your injuries."

"BUT BUT BUT," he screamed before finding themselves flying over the crevasse.

Landing on the other side, he exhaled then let out a "YAHOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Maintaining speed, they found themselves sliding through Camp Dragonhead's northern gate, whipping by soldiers who cocked their heads at the stoic woman and excited Miqo'te. Soon they whipped through the south entrance and flew down the part towards Dragonhead proper. Unable to slow, U'rahn began to panic, zooming through the gate before hitting a rock and being flung from the sleigh with Nyx. The latter landed on her feet with grace while the Nuhn found himself flying head-first into a mound of snow. Once the initial shock wore off, she shook out his head then looked back to his companion, giving her a thumbs up. "I think I'm okay, how about you?"

"I am operating within nominal parameters. Given your speed at 30 malms per hour, trajectory at 49°, and the softness of your destination, I do not believe it likely for you to have incurred any damage. I could examine you if you feel that that is not a sufficient diagnosis."

"I trust you," U'rahn answered, swallowing a little as he felt his cheeks warm up.

Slapping at his face with both palms, he let out a bit of a raspberry and shook his head rapidly, blissfully unaware his expressions were being carefully watched. Carrots catching up with them let out a little kweh and rubbed its beak on Nyx's cheek.

"I think that means Carrots thinks it's time to move on from sledding. There's actually a decorated trail from here to Griffin Crossing. Let's take a ride," the Nuhn suggested, approaching the bird only to get a few pecks on the head, "Ow, ow. Cut it out!"

Carrots defensively wandered around then lowered a wing for Nyx as U'rahn slicked back his hair, putting it in place once more. Approaching his friend, he held out his hand. "Can I help you up?"

"Only with my consent."

U'rahn blinked then tilted his head as she stared back at him. After a moment passed it dawned on him, "Oh, may I do that then?"

"Yes, you may, Rahn."

Nodding, U'rahn lifted Nyx up high and then sat her on Carrots. Once certain she was balanced, he hopped up behind her and took the reigns. "Right! Onward St. Helper Carrots!"

"...kweh," the bird responded, sounding almost bitter about the name as it left the east gate and headed onto the trail.

As promised, decorations lined the sign of the path, clumsily painted wooden signs made by the Fortemps and their soldiers that patrolled the land. Scenes telling the story of Starlight, then depictions of the Saint and their helpers, distributing packages. At the end of the trail, a large Yeti sat amid a small clearing.

"Wow...look at that," U'rahn pointed out, eyes all aglow.

"That is a Yeti, Rahn."

Carrots stopped shirt and let out a Kweh.

"A really cool-looking one! They went all out to close out the trail. Do you want to get a picture with it?"

"I do not think that would be appropriate given the circumstances."

U'rahn's ears drooped a bit. "Oh. Okay...well, would you take a picture of me with it?"

"If you feel that is the best course of action."

U'rahn nodded then handed over his tomestone before hurrying over the decoration. Propping up his leg on a rock, he posted, flexing his arms under his coat while beaming at Nyx who held up the device and clicked away. Carrots soon covered his eyes with his feathers as the creature stirred then raised its fist high.

"You are in danger of injury, Rahn."

"Haha? Yeah? Should I try a funny pose," he asked before pretending to shield himself from the creature. "Ah...was it posed like that before..."

His eyes widened as his tail and ears perked, the fist coming down upon him, quickly pounding him into the snow in several swift beats. Collapsed spread eagle, he let out a groan then watched as fire bolts flew overhead, warding off the creature. Soon the earth shook as the beast fled, allowing U'rahn to pop up and brush off the snow, mostly unharmed. Head spinning, he stood up then found Carrots and Nyx staring at him.

"That was a Yeti."

"Yes, Rahn. I gave you that information."

U'rahn blinked then beamed at Nyx, ears fluttering as he laughed at himself.

"Well, lessons learned, yeah? I guess I should listen better, my pops always says that. Anyroad, let's get back on our way," he suggested.

"May I help you on Carrots?"

U'rahn blinked then nodded, "You can try."

The Nuhn grinned then let his ears and tail fall limp as he was suddenly lifted with ease up and onto Carrots as the bird lowered to accommodate them. "Burning Warden! You're strong!"

"I was designed to be."

With that, Nyx hopped up, facing U'rhan.

"Ah, wrong way?"

"I was unable to face you during our initial ride. I wish to do so on our return back. Your attention span is short enough that the Hawthorne Effect will not significantly affect my observations."

"Alright then. I suppose that would be okay," he answered, tilting his head, unsure how to take the comment.

U'rahn scooted back a bit, then squeezed his thighs to send Carrots into a trot, Nyx keeping perfect balance as they were sent forward. At first, the Miqo'te made small nervous expressions, aware of the eyes that were upon him, but that soon passed, eyes alight as he noticed that the opposite sides of the strung-up decorations had different depictions of Starlight around Eorzea, among them a Saint Helper pouring warm tea out to little Miqo'te, the Drake painted on them. U'rahn was especially in awe over it, Nyx flitted her eyes over for a moment to capture his line of sight before returning to watch him.

Noting the sun's early fall, U'rahn looked down to his friend as they trotted back into Dragonhead, "Ah. I had more planned, but there's something I want to do at a certain time. We should return to Gage Acquisitions."

"Understood."

With that Nyx flitted out into the aether, sending U'rahn over the back of Carrots. The bird looked back then clicked in amusement.

"Quiet you," he huffed before pulling mint out of his pocket and stuffing it into his mouth. Chomping away, he closed his eyes then concentrated as hard as he could on his destination. Pulled through, he arrived beside Nyx, face green. He gnashed away quickly, still hurrying to the edge of the overlook, prepared for the worst. As he braced himself, he felt a couple of very deliberate rubs at his back.

Turning, he found Nyx mechanically rotating her arm. "I am told this is soothing."

U'rahn swallowed, stomach settling, now occupied with the sting of the intense leaves. "Ah. It did the trick. Thanks."

"Are we to resume your Starlight activities meant for Vauban?"

The Nuhn stared a moment then shuffled his feet while rubbing the back of his head, "Ah. I kinda forgot that's what this was all for already. I'm having such an exciting time with you," he mumbled, pushing the thought back and away from his mind again.

"I'm having a good time with you Nyx," he reiterated, "And I could be wrong, but I think this wouldn't have been as fun with anyone else."

Giving her an ear wiggle, he chuckled then hurried to the yard and over to the stove. Fumbling around the supplies, he pulled out some milk and began to boil it over the fire while dropping scoops of sweet chocolate powder into two cups. As she watched, he smiled then handed her two rolls of cinnamon bark. "Could you, er, would you grind this into powder for me?"

"Yes," she answered, putting the spice into a mortar then rapidly spun the pestle in her hand.

"Woah. I should bring U'khuba over so you could show him how to do that!"

"U-Khuba, a Miqo'te, does not have that biological capability."

U’rahn grinned wide, chuckling to himself, “Yeah? I think I might want him around to hear that anyway.”

“Why?”

“Hmm?”

“Why would you want for U-Khuba to hear that he lacks the biological capability to ground bark into seasoning?”

“It’s…It’s a Seeker thing.”

“That is insufficient information to explain your meaning.”

U’rahn rubbed the back of his head, “I just want to tease him that he can’t do something. The way you phrase it is sort of funny to a Tia and Nuhn.”

Nyx stared at U’rahn quietly while he fumbled around with the boiling pot of milk.

“Ah, maybe it’s not as funny as I thought. The milk is ready though,” he pointed out before pouring it into the prepared cups of cocoa.

As it diffused, he dropped some marshmallows on top of the browning liquid before taking the mortar and shaking it gently over the top. Finishing, he handed over both saucer and cup to Nyx before taking his own over to sit, the latter joining him.

“My mom and dad would make this for me every Starlight. It was special ‘cause it was made with the Limsan Cocoa beans from where my dad lived at the time…and cinnamon from Thavnair where my mom is from. A little bit of both of them…just like me. They’d call it Hero Chocolate, cause I was really into adventure stories and stuff…but it’s really just normal hot chocolate with some spice in it…”

U’rahn lowered his ears a bit as he watched the marshmallows melt away. Catching Nyx lift the cup out of the corner of his eye, he jumped, “Hey! That’s going to be really hot,” he warned, watching her take it down with ease.

“It has distinct flavors.”

Smiling softly at Nyx, watching her closely before he closed his eyes and went to take his own sip, sputtering as his tongue was scalded. Whining, he stuck out the muscle before scooping up some snow to rest on it, remembering what was said about regulating temperature. Dropping a glob of snow in the drink, he huffed and then blew into it before taking a sip. Finding it much more temperate, he happily drank it down, ears perking as he caught Nyx mimicking out of the corner of her eye.

“There is little change in flavour.”

“No, not really. The snow just cooled it down for me,” he explained, catching on to her meaning surprisingly quickly.

“Stirring will assist in releasing heat and is the truest and most efficient method of cooling a beverage. I observe that most blow air over the surface, which is inefficient. Your method seems the most direct and overrides previous data; however, it is dependent on the proximity to snow.”

U’rahn tilted his head again, ear flicking curiously.

“Hero Chocolate is palatable hot or cooled.”

The Nuhn swallowed, suddenly finding himself out of breath. Touching his chest, he stared at the ground for a moment, trying to get his heart to calm down. His face burned, ears starting to tingle as he was overcome by the unfamiliar sensation. Nyx looked upon him quietly.

Standing, he checked his tombstone then quickly reached out for her hand, letting the cup and saucer fall into the snow. “Ah! We’re almost late. Come with me,” he panicked, feeling her remain still until he let out the request.

Hurrying inside, he paused at the entrance to the estate hall, mind flipping through the bowls in the corner of his room, smalls spread out on his floor, and the messy bottom bunk filled with laundry. He hesitated, hand rubbing the wood of the door, suddenly embarrassed by the state he’d left it in even though she’d probably seen it like that a million times. “Ah, actually…let’s go downstairs.”

“Yes, Rahn.”

U’rahn swallowed again, letting go of Nyx’s hand. He’d asked her to call him as such, hadn’t he. He let out a nervous breath, staring at her as she looked back blankly. Shaking it off, he led them downstairs then around the corner to the orchestration player.

“W-Wait here,” he asked, leaving her in the little hall for a moment.

Heading over to the small lounge, he gathered all the blankets and pillows he could fit into his arms then returned and dumped them out onto the floor before Nyx and then got down to spread a blanket out before setting up pillows against the wall for them to lean on.

“Go ahead and sit down,” he offered, letting her take a seat while he adjusted the large radio, letting it play static before it started to play.

“Live from Ul’Dah, The Sultana presents “The Night Before Starlight,” read by Redolent Rose of the Weaver’s Guild,” Momodi’s voice sounded out before a small orchestra began to play an intro.

Smiling, he sat down next to Nyx, pulling a blanket up over himself, and offering it to Nyx to share. “Another family thing…even in Forgotten Springs, dad gathers us up in his hut and he turns this on for us. Even the sandworms calm down just for the night…some even are seen resting near the gate while it plays. It’s the magic of Starlight.”

“The lack of adversaries allows them to seasonally take respite near your dwellings as you are not providing a threat.”

“Mmm…I think it’s the magic of Starlight.”

“There is no school of magic for Starlight.”

U’rahn let out a little, feeling that strange tingle come back across his cheeks and ears. “I…I uh…,” he started, pulling at his coat a bit before turning his head as the story began.

“Twas’ the night before Starlight, and all the Brume, orphans shivered in the snow and the gloom. Huddled and gathered they cried, unaware that by the Saint they’d been spied.”

~~The story continued, but U’rahn did not hear, falling asleep before the story could be filled with Starlight cheer. Slumped over from the exciting day he shared, blissfully ignorant of how much for the Garlean experiment he cared. And so there he lay and snored, the Nuhn’s cheek up against the head of the one he didn’t know he adored.~~

Bonus unused shot:

#ythappieststarligh2022 #starlight ffxiv #starlight2022 #ythappieststarlight2022 #u'rahn nuhn #nyx blackmoon #sleigh ride #final fantasy online #ffxiv gpose #ff14 #ff xiv #ffxiv oc #ffxiv miqo'te

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fleetstreetpies · 1 year

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Gentle reminder that you need MOOD STABILIZERS for shit like bipolar and that you need to push for adequate care if your needs aren’t being listened to properly

I’ve literally had to push for adequate advice and care because my psychiatrist wants to say I only experience depressive symptoms when I’ve expressly told her about my seriously bad periods of irrational high moods (usually a mix of shockingly good humor and serious anger that can’t be quelled) as well as increases in severe anxiety, insomnia, and constantly doing things and making irrational decisions during these periods. I’ve ruined beautiful relationships and lost friends during these periods. This can be like a two week bender without any drugs or alcohol or anything.

This is not depression. Like those massive changes from “I’m literally the scum of the earth and do not deserve anything at all” to “I’m god and I don’t care who knows it and I can prove it to you by way of my decisions (that will turn out horribly later)” is not fucking depression.

And I’ve been trying to talk to all my care providers (doctors, psychiatrist, etc.) about the fact that even though the severe depressive episodes are somewhat relieved by my current treatment plan (like just a bit less severe than before), something is still not right and I literally am unable to handle when I’m not depressed either. The upswings are actually WAY worse than the depression itself.

And don’t get me started on the shit I hear and see coming in and out of my upswings. It’s scary because the walls literally fucking melt around me. I’m experiencing people with no faces and no recognizable voices when I look at people. Like where those things should be is distortion and blur. It’s terrifying.

I’m not self-diagnosing as bipolar or whatever because some people will get mad, but based on my monitoring of my own symptoms and literally years of research while I haven’t been getting adequate care so I can push for better help, I’m pretty fucking sure I have bipolar disorder with psychotic features. And I’m not getting the right care and the medication I’m on for depression (sertraline/Zoloft) is probably making a lot of my shit worse.

So yeah I’m mad. I’m very mad at the clear and obvious medical misogyny happening because I’m AFAB. I had to fight for SEVEN YEARS to even get a depression diagnosis, even though I’d shown symptoms of severe depression or at least depressive episodes since I was SIX. And my concerns and those of my parents (whom I hate for other reasons) got ignored for years.

I had to fight to even get a misdiagnosis so I could fight to open the door to an actually correct diagnosis at all. Do you see how utterly fucked up that is? Having to fight to go through even the wrong course of treatment to have a chance at getting the right diagnosis or treatment?? Let alone that people who need it can’t even get it at all??

Kids are perceptive as fuck. They don’t always have words for things but like… they know. And they try to communicate it. I knew something was wrong. Something still IS wrong.

So folks, let this rant tell you three things:

The way we go about psychiatric treatment is really fucking ineffective because at least in my experience it doesn’t fully take into account the concerns and symptoms of the patients and their families

Medical misogyny is such a real problem that it still prevents women/AFAB people, especially AFAB people of color, from getting the care and help they need and DESERVE.

Sometimes you have to scream and make noise and say “LISTEN THE FUCK UP” and there’s ways of going about it that but like sometimes you’re fighting to even be heard.

#no but seriously #something has to give #i hate it i hate it i hate it #i hate my brain #I also hate medical professionals and mental health professionals #this system of care isn’t care at all #Styx rambles #mental health matters

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slow-drowned-angels · 2 years

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Still pissed at my therapist who said “but you have friends!” when I mentioned I suspected ASD. When she followed up with “yeah, people with autism usually don’t have and/or want friends” (paraphrased), I replied, incredulously, “I don’t think that’s true!” Then she went on about how autistic people she worked with tended to be more interested in special interests than people and therefore I couldn’t be autistic. I honestly wasn’t sure how to respond at that point, but over the last month I keep coming back to this conversation and being super confused.

Since then, she’s been a bit better though (including asking around regarding the cost and benefits for getting an official diagnosis, plus possible alternatives).

More discussion below. TL;DR: That’s a wild thing to generalize, even though it’s true for some autistics. Especially because she barely knows me (we’ve only had a few sessions) and didn’t ask any follow-up.

Sounds sus. Since…. I am on the autism social media site TM (and see all the posts from autistic people who have friends, who tried really hard to have friends, etc) and also I have an irl friend who is diagnosed ASD and has WAY more social interest than I do. And like… why would masking exist as a concept if autistic people didn’t care about fitting in with (and gaining social acceptance of) allistic people? Like yeah autistic people have social difficulties and that often manifests in having difficulties making and keeping friends, but wow. I imagine we’re sometimes good enough at masking to succeed in friendships?? And that there exist enough people who are either nice or neurodiverse themselves that we can be friends with without having to mask?? It kinda goes back to the whole problem with defining autism solely by traumatized autistic people.

I’ve been very lucky to have people around me who have actively tried to be friends with me. (I understand that this is a privilege I’m afforded in part because I’m “allistic passing” enough. I understand that because I saw the effects of being a very visibly autistic kid at my schools. It was Bad.) The kids who befriended me were often kids who are kinda Weird themselves — 3rd grade kids who wrote pages and pages of original fiction in their free time (and in cursive), middle schoolers who will tell me endlessly about their latest obsessions, kids who pretended to be cats, kids who constantly read novels, etc. I honestly just kind of fell into friendships and made a pretty good sidekick (because I was generally down for whatever they were interested in and otherwise kept to myself). It worked out that the other person was usually a strong personality — except for when I was very young, I’ve been unable to talk at length about my own interests (either because I tend to tell stories out of order and get flustered easily or because I get bad anxiety that the other person isn’t interested in it). I’m slowly getting better at it, but Is Rough unless someone is asking me a series of questions to lead the conversation or I get to write it out.

I can make friends in classes because I know how to talk About School (and can contribute if other topics I’m interested in are brought up by the other person, like politics or media or queer shit, etc) and so I made friends with nerds who were very academically-focused and made friends with classmates. Are they considered friends if the friendship is solely centered around school? Idk! They’re people I talk to and generally like! So friend!

I also know that I weirded a lot of people out, especially in middle school and high school. Either because I was perceived as unfriendly or too intense. Tbh, fair. I was often unfriendly and intense. Part of it was deliberate because it meant people wouldn’t fuck with me. Honestly I learned a lot of the more complex social stuff from one of my current best friends and a lot of my capability of dealing with complex emotional situations is solely through directly quoting them.

Also this lady barely knows me, I don’t know why she’s making blanket assumptions just because I’m good enough at masking to know how to get a good grade in therapy (and tend to automatically mask with new people). If she asked me more questions about it, I would have been able to explain myself, but she began by dismissing it entirely (which I wasn’t at all expecting and didn’t really know how to… argue my case without making it seem like I was claiming that I knew more about autism than she does [even though I privately posit that I do; she didn’t know about rejection sensitivity dysphoria until I mentioned it as something I related to smh, to be fair this isn’t her specialty… but also she’s working/worked with autistic people??]). (Also, note how I write when it’s stream-of-consciousness and I get to edit and write stuff out of order and add stuff later on, imagine if I were trying to talk about this in real time,, dear god.)

Amusingly I think my temporary group therapy class therapist probably believes me more when I mentioned asd because she’s seen me interact with other people and also I’m very obviously constantly stimming.

(Thanks for reading my [social] life story.)

#alx.txt #uhhhh this is longer than intended #brain thoughts

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cfs-crohns-colitis-warrior · 1 year

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For once I’m actually excited about the future! Me and my boyfriend had a good chat the other day about where we want our relationship to go to make sure we’re in the same page, and it went very well.

We want the same stuff, and while I was always unsure whether I wanted kids, I now know I do want them with him, because I just feel like it’s something I can handle as long as he’s by my side. Which is just as well because having kids is a non negotiable for him, as long as he has at least one, but the good thing for me is he’s not fussed how we have kids, so he’s not expecting me to carry any of them if I don’t think my body can handle it. That’s one thing that always worried me about having them.

The other main worry I had about having kids one day is with CFS and Crohn’s Disease, I always have low energy and I always worried I wouldn’t cope. However, I’m currently in the process of trying to get an official diagnosis (since I never actually got one before due to miscommunications from doctors and have to go thro if g the whole spiel again) and with that I should at least be able to go to the doctors and say I’m struggling with it and if they can give me anything that will help they’re more likely to. Regardless of that, my mum also has CFS and she managed to do so well raising me and my brother, while my dad worked a lot and spent a lot of time away for work, and while she was understandably exhausted a lot, she managed it, and is doing better these days now she’s post menopause. This gives me hope that I can do it too, even though I do also have Crohn’s disease in the mix.

My boyfriend also discussed this with me and I told him I was worried everything would fall on him and he’s sure I’ll manage with his support, and as long as the majority doesn’t fall on him then it’ll be fine. Plus, that’s what grandparents and aunts and uncles are there for: to help out! I know kids are very unpredictable, but I do hope to teach them from the very beginning that I have low energy and am not well and might need more help than other people, and therefore also can’t play with them as much as I want to etc, but I’ll always try my best. I feel like I was taught very early on that my mum needed help with things and I always wanted to help with the cleaning when I could, so maybe my kids will grow up in a similar way. That’s not a given, of course, I know that, especially if they’re not my biological kids and don’t have our DNA that tells them they like things clean lol, but I feel like as long as we do our best to teach them these things early on, and as long as we work as a team and everything we should be okay…

With that weird kid related rant over, back to my point, that I’m finally looking forward to the future and know what to expect, even if I don’t know when to expect it. I know we wanna move in together before any other big things happen, and we’re gonna have disagreements and lots of compromising to do on getting a house, and money will play a major issue, but I believe we can do it. After that, I know we’ll get engaged sometime, and have a decent length engagement before we get married, and at some point we’ll look into how we can have kids and how we want to and have them. Knowing this stuff will happen is a weight off my mind, because I know I’ll have the kind of life I always wished for as a kid, even if I do have chronic illnesses mixed in. For once I’m actually super excited for the future, and I can’t quite believe that I have one with a boyfriend and all this other stuff in it. I was convinced my future would be still living with my parents, unable to move out and live alone, and no partner to love and love me back. While I became content with having that as my future, I’m still super happy now that it is going to be different than what I expected. Happy days for me right now.

#chronic illness warrior #chronic fatigue syndrome #myalgic encephalomyelitis #cfs/me #chronic illness #chronic illnesses #crohn’s disease #exhaustion #me/cfs #crohn’s warrior #crohn’s colitis

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