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sunflowersoldat · 1 year

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All is Fair~ Saints & Sinners

Chapter 25: Saints and Sinners

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Series Summary: Family is important, but so is the Family business. Everyone has secrets, some are deadly. Your the best in the business, but no one knows who you are. Tensions are high, will you raise the stakes or fold under the pressure?

Series Warning: 18+! Mentions of blood and violence, bad language words, smut, manipulation, gaslighting, death, trauma, please follow the warnings for each chapter.

Chapter warnings: 18+ Only! Major Character Deaths! Violence, Bad language words, mentions of torture.

Pairing: Mob!Steve x Assassin!Stark!reader

Word count: 4.4K

A/N: This one is looooonngg. Sorry in advance! Including this chapter there are only four and a half chapters left! You will need tissues for this chapter! (sorry in advance, also don't come for me!) I had a hard time writing this chapter, but aside from the hardships of what is to come, I hope you enjoy the chapter!

It only took you seconds to sprint out of the warehouse, jumping into Wade’s vehicle, you didn’t wait for him as you tore down the street. The squeal of tires and smoke filled the air, the city passing by in a blur, if you hurried you could stop Steve before he left the penthouse. You cursed under your breath, how could all of you been so fucking blind?

The mastermind behind it all was staring you in the damn face, could have lit the entire city on fire in front of you and no one would have noticed. You had to make it in time, the gods help whoever stood in your way, if anything happened to Steve, anything; the whole fucking city will be ash. Honking horns and the screeching of tires fill your senses, but you don’t stop, you can’t.

You slam on your brakes and jerk the wheel, causing you to drift into a spot in front of Steve’s building, throwing the driver’s door open. You rush to the front entrance, but Peter is there to intercept you. Reaching for you he centers your focus on him.

He’s smiling when he greets you, “Hey Ace, what’s the rush?”

You panic, breathing heavily, eyes searching behind him, “Where’s Steve?!”

“He already left with Buck, what’s going on?” His smile slips from his face as he reads you, the dread and anger in your voice has him ready to pounce.

“Fuck! How long ago?” Panic rises as you move back to the vehicle.

“About fifteen minutes ago. Ace, what’s going on?” He opens the passenger side door as you slide behind the wheel on the other side.

“It's a setup!”

—

Bucky watches Steve’s movements as they enter the elevator, he seems nervous as he pulls his phone from his ear, scowling.

“What’s wrong punk?” He prods as the elevator doors close and it hums to life, one step closer to ending this bullshit. He should have known Loki was the sniveling weasel behind all this chaos. He should feel relief or closure, but he doesn't, something feels off.

Steve only shakes his head, “Nothing.”

Bucky raises a brow, Steve is tense, he can see the muscles working under Steve’s suit, “Did she find anything?”

Steve again shakes his head, his brows knitting together, “No, the connection was shit, but from what I could make out, she sounded worried.”

Bucky shrugs, “Don’t worry, I’ve got your back punk. You’ll make it back to her and get your happy ending.” He smiles wide as he clasps Steve’s shoulder. As much as he doesn’t trust you, he loves his brother, and if you are what makes him happy… Well, as long as you don’t try to kill either of them, he will support you as much as his own mind will allow. Besides, if anything were to happen to Steve, he would never forgive himself, and you would definitely kill him, for his failure.

“I know you do Buck, just something doesn’t feel right.”

Bucky nods, but the elevator opens putting them in the hall outside Tony’s penthouse, Natasha is outside the door, a smile curves her lips, “Hello boys, you’re late.”

Bucky and Steve meet her at the door, she waves them in, Tony stands behind his bar, leisurely nursing a glass of liquor. Thor is standing front and center, his hand clasped behind Loki’s neck. Who stands handcuffed and gagged next to him, his eyes wide as they meet Steve’s; pleading.

“So nice of you to join us gentlemen.” Thor’s voice booms, his gaze raking over the two of them. Bucky situates himself between Thor, Loki and Steve, he doesn’t care if he’s bound, he isn’t taking any chances.

Steve smiles, “Better late than never right?”

Tony chuckles as Steve and Bucky settle near him on one of the couches to the right of his bar, Natasha situates herself to his left, leaning on the counter.

Bucky glances around the room and relaxes a bit, there are only the seven of them, with Valkyrie leaning against the wall closest to the door, bored as she picks at her nails. Loki couldn’t take all of them on, and survive.

The door to the penthouse closes slowly, Thor clears his throat, as he walks towards Tony’s bar and pours himself a drink, raising his glass to Tony before taking a sip.

“Since my father was murdered this” –he pauses, licking his teeth– “circle has plunged into chaos.” He sighs solemnly, “I should have listened to all of you” –He takes a slow sip of his drink as he moves leisurely back towards the center of the room– “But family is hard to hate.” his eyes flicker to Tony’s, a devious glint sparkles as he directs his attention to him. “Even after their betrayal. Wouldn’t you agree, Stark?”

—

You glance at Peter as he slips into the passenger seat, you shake your head, “No Peter, you can’t—”

“They’re my brothers, if they’re in danger” –he pauses, swallowing thickly– “If you are going into the lion’s den, I’m going too.”

You take a deep breath, eyes locking with his, he gives you a small smile, your real name leaving his lips, “I’ve got your back.”

You nod, slamming the door. Peter barely has the chance to sit as you step on the gas, flooring it, nearly taking off his door in the process.

Your eyes are on the road, mind going a million miles a minute. You suspect Thor to have men guarding the building, how to go about this…

“I’m calling Sam and the others, I’ll have them meet us there.” Peter offers the help, but you can’t imagine them making it in time.

“I’m not waiting, we don’t have time. They can work their way up to us.”

He nods, but dials anyway, the conversation is quick, he merely tells them the location and that Steve is in danger. That’s all it takes, they are on their way. Your heart throbs, such loyalty cannot be bought, these men love Steve, they are as much family as you and the other Aces are; a phone call away and willing to die for each other.

Peter’s voice cuts through your thoughts, “So, what’s the plan?”

Your eyes never leave the road, tone cold, “We walk in the front door.”

—

Zemo’s phone rings on his desk, his eyes meet Sharon’s across the room as he picks it up, placing it on speaker, the greeting doesn’t leave his mouth before Wade’s voice rips through the air.

“It’s Thor! He’s making his move! He called a meeting, said Loki’s to blame. Wraith is on her way to Stark Tower, she’s gonna need backup!”

Zemo freezes, this is not what he expected from Odinson. At least no this quickly, he hadn’t even had the chance to tell the rest of you Thor had been behind everything. Panic settles low in his gut,

“We’re on the way!” Sharon’s voice and her hand on his shoulder breaks him from his trance, “Z, we gotta move, Wraith needs us.”

He stands slowly, this is his own fault. He should have waited to make his move, kept everyone in the loop. His family was safe as long as Yelena and Jake continued their surveillance.

Sharon grips both of his shoulders, “Z!”

He stumbles after her, but stops, “It’s my fault. I- I shouldn’t have—”

“We don’t have time for this! We need to move, there was no way you could have known how he would react.”

Zemo follows her out of the casino, but shakes his head as they enter the vehicle, “We blindsided him, now he’s a wild animal we pushed into a corner, how else was he supposed to react?”

Sharon shakes her head, “Everyone knows the risk of this business there is always collateral damage… Nothing you can do about it.” She pulls out her phone.

“I could have prevented it!” The guilt unfurling in his gut makes him sick, how would he explain this to you? If everything goes wrong, what could they lose? What was left for you to lose?

She takes a deep breath, rolling her eyes, “What’s done is done, we just need to focus on what to do next,” She dials, waiting as the line rings.

Zemo’s brows furrow, “What are you doing?”

“Calling it in.”

—

You are close now, the building is less than a mile away, gripping the steering wheel tightly, you clear your throat, “Peter…When we get there” –you watch him out of the corner of your eye as he turns to you– “Stay behind me, and do exactly what I say, when I say. Do you understand?”

He nods, then tilts his head, as if he knows you have more to say, so you continue, “What I’m about to do” –you pause, taking a deep breath. Peter is no stranger to the darker side of the business, but that doesn’t mean you will relish in him having to watch you tear through Thor’s men– “I-I just… I’m sorry.”

He places his hand on your shoulder, causing you to jump, your name leaving his mouth yet again, “It won’t change how I look at you. You’re like a sister to me, you have protected me and saved me. I know whatever you become when the time comes,” –he pokes your chest where your heart would be, you can swear he can feel it slamming into your rib cage– “that isn’t you.”

The car skids to a halt, but he continues, “The woman I met all that time ago at the mansion, that is you, and nothing, is gonna change that.”

You finally meet his gaze and he gives you a reassuring nod, “Now, Wraith, we both have a job to do.”

—

Steve’s eyes snap from Loki to Tony, the tension in the room has skyrocketed. Bucky shifts next to him uncomfortably, but Steve’s eyes remain on Stark.

Tony cocks his head, “I beg your pardon?”

Thor gives him a sympathetic frown, but it's stiff; fake. “It must hurt knowing she chose him over you. Her own flesh and blood.” Thor’s gaze moves to Steve, his words dripping with malice, “Then to have him kill her.” He chuckles.

Chuckles as if that's the funniest thing he’s heard all damn day.

Tony glances at Steve, but there is no anger in his eyes, they snap back as Thor turns to walk back to Loki. Tony’s eyes flicker to Steve, a warning.

Thor turns back around as he circles his brother, “You know” –he pauses again, a megawatt smile curves his lips– “I’m sorry, let’s cut the bullshit.”

They always say traumatic events happen in slow motion, like the brain is trying to process what is happening in front of it. But this happened too fast.

The gunshot, the blood, the gun no one seemed to notice in Thor’s hand.

Loki, lying on the ground.

Dead.

The doors to Tony’s penthouse are blown off their hinges as two more people join in on the action, guns raised. The shots are fired before Steve can react, Bucky slams into him full force. As he falls, he can see Tony reach for Natasha, pulling her down behind his bar.

Behind the couch, he can hear Thor raving about how dumb they’ve all been, how this is their reckoning for not perceiving him as a threat or giving him the new position of The Don, like his father before him. He tells them everything starting with when he killed his own father and framed Loki, and hired the horsemen to kill Tony’s parents. Even hiring the Ace of Spades to kill Steve, when you got thrown into the mix, it was just a bonus. Everything had gone better than planned, until Loki and you stepped out of line.

Steve didn’t take the bait, he understood what Thor wanted, why he insisted on telling them all of this; they weren’t getting out of this alive

Bucky groaned next to him, snapping Steve back into reality. Bucky is holding where his shoulder and chest collide, deep crimson seeping between his fingers. Steve reaches for his gun, he fires off a few shots, but there is more commotion, his gaze whips to Tony behind the bar on the other side of the couch, there is more yelling, struggle, and new voices join the chaos, familiar voices, yours and Queens.

Steve pops up in time to shoot one of the assailants in the thigh, to his left a gunshot rings out, followed by a bloodcurdling war cry.

—

You and Peter clear the first floor, moving for the elevator, quick, no quarter, no survivors. Most of Tony’s security lay either lifeless or placing pressure on their wounds; most will survive. There are a lot less of Thor’s men than you anticipated, only two. They evade you at every turn, you don’t recognize them as his normal security, a male and female. As you close in, the female calls to the male, his code name rolling off her tongue; Conquest. The last two horsemen, the female must be War.

You growl as they enter the elevator, rage pushes you, you don’t think, you just react. One hand releases your rifle, and grabs one of your knives, ripping it from your holster, it soars through the air, embedding itself in the elevator wall between their heads.

War smiles as she moves to confront you, but Conquest pulls her back slamming his hand on the button. The doors close as War winks, blowing you a kiss.

A scream rips through your chest as you sprint for the maintenance elevator, Peter hot on your heels.

You pull him into the elevator behind you, punching the button for the penthouse floor. Your mind is screaming, true fear courses through you, but you grasp it, allowing it to center you.

Beside you Peter is uncharacteristically quiet as he watches you, studying that eerie calmness you fall into, attempting to do the same, you turn to him narrowing your eyes, “Don’t.”

Your voice is dark as it leaves you, unfurling in the elevator like black silk and shadows.

The air is thick with the impending fight.

The elevator opens and your ears are met with gunfire and yelling, the two of you sprint for the penthouse.

You weren’t prepared and didn’t have time to process the scene unfolding in front of you. You allow yourself to get lost in your instincts as you immediately jump into battle.

They outnumber you and Peter, but you don’t let that stop you, as you shove Conquest into Thor, catching both of them off guard, Peter takes on War on his own. You can see her malicious smile, like a wolf playing with its prey, but you don’t have time to help him.

Shots are fired from behind the couch, you see Steve’s head pop up as he takes aim, nailing Conquest in the thigh, he tumbles to the ground howling in pain. Your fist collides with Thor’s jaw sending him reeling. Next to you, Valkyrie raises her pistol poised for Steve, you react, shoving yourself into her. The shot fires across the room; you feel it in your heart before your brain understands what’s happened.

Tony slams into the shelves behind him, glass shattering and liquor spilling everywhere.

It feels like a bomb explodes in your chest, “No!” The scream rips from your chest. Valkyrie’s dark laugh scrapes across your exposed nerves, but is abruptly cut off, three bullets fired from your gun, before she slumps to the ground, leaving an ugly red streak where she once stood.

You turn as Thor and War escape the room Peter follows, Steve screams for him. Conquest tries to follow, but a well timed knife you throw stops him, embedding in his shoulder.

Just a handful of minutes too late Sharon and Zemo barge through the door as you vault over the bar to kneel next to your brother.

Tony’s hand reaches for your face, with one hand you tear off your mask, while the other applies pressure to the gaping wound. Tears are streaming down your face, his hand gently cups your cheek, his eyes meeting yours, “Squirt…” his voice is soft, barely above a whisper.

You can barely speak, the same two words fall from your lips; ‘I’m sorry’, over and over, like a mantra. Natasha rips towels from the drawers, helping to stanch the bleeding, but Tony shakes his head, “Squirt, look at me.”

Your eyes lock on his, he draws a shaky breath, “I’m sorry. F-for all of it—”

You shake your head, “Tony please—”

Your name leaves his mouth, “It’s okay, I-I don’t blame” –he coughs– “I don’t blame y-you… I- I love ya squirt…”

His hand falls from your face, his chest no longer rising and falling. You scream again, grabbing his hand between both of yours. You freeze for a moment. Behind you there is conversation and the sound of sirens in the distance.

Probably the police, you assume Sharon has called them, and an ambulance, though it’s too late.

You lean over your brother, placing a kiss on his forehead, “I love you too.”

Taking a deep shaky breath, you rise, eyes scanning the room, they land on Zemo. He’s frozen, eyes glued to you; waiting.

You slip into that dark place that allows you to do your work flawlessly, three small words leave your mouth.

—

“All is fair.” your voice is dark, the cold embrace of death licks up his spine.

Zemo’s eyes lock on yours, his jaw clenched tightly, he knows what you’re asking of him. He knows what you’ve lost, he’s been here for every step of your journey, watched you become this. He swallows, ignoring the stares from everyone else in the room. He knows what you have to do. It is time to let you go…

“In love and war.”

Without another word, you snarl as you shove your mask back onto your face. There is a moment, your face softening as your eyes meet Steve’s. In that brief second, Zemo swears he can hear everything you are saying in your mind. He can see the finality in the parting look, it’s a goodbye that he knows Steve won’t understand for a long time; until it’s too late.

“What the fuck was that?” It’s not Steve’s voice, but Bucky’s, hoarse from the screams of pain. Zemo glances down at the two men, Steve is kneeling beside Bucky, applying pressure to the wound, but Steve’s gaze remains glued to the door you just walked out of.

Zemo contemplates his answer, if he explains will Steve run after you? Will he try to stop you?

“Zemo!”

He shakes his head, meeting Bucky’s gaze, “It means she is no longer under contract.”

Bucky’s brows knit together, but his eyes widen, stumbling on his words to understand, Zemo sighs, “It means she is no longer an Ace, no longer under my command, she’s–”

Steve’s voice interjects, “She’s free.” His eyes finally slide to meet Zemo’s, he nods slowly.

Natasha rises from where Stark lay lifeless on the cold tile, “That’s a good thing, right?”

Zemo cocks a brow, a sinister smirk lifting one corner of his lips, “Not for Thor.”

—

You storm down the hall to the stairwell, flying down the flights, a couple of floors down you find Peter, he’s crumpled on the floor, holding his thigh, blood pooling beneath him. You stop, kneeling to help him, but he waves you off.

“Go! I’m alright, wounded one of them” –he breathes shakily– “Get that sonofabitch!”

You don’t have to respond, you turn, sprinting down the stairs after War and Thor.

—

Wade bursts into the penthouse, but he knows he’s too late by the scene in front of him, there are three body bags and a pair of paramedics by one of the couches, Barnes is being strapped to a gurney, a white bandage pressed to his shoulder.

Sharon, Zemo, another female who he has only seen in passing, and Steve are talking in hushed tones as he approaches. He notices a thin, lean man cuffed and bandaged, sitting quietly against the wall.

Steve raises his head acknowledging his presence, Wade turns, looking around, “Where’s Death?”

It’s not Steve that answers, but Sharon, “Gone.”

He watches the group’s reaction to the statement, he raises a brow, “Thor? Loki?”

It’s Steve’s turn to speak, “Thor ran off with War, Peter and Wraith” –the fact Steve calls you by your code name stuns Wade– “Ran after them.” He nods to the body bag lying in the middle of the room, “Loki didn’t make it…”

Wade hadn’t necessarily liked or trusted the man, but his death was unnecessary. “And…” Wade motions toward the other bags.

The other female sighs heavily, her face still red, obvious tear stains on cheeks, “Tony didn’t make it.”

“Neither did Valkyrie.” Adds Zemo, “Not the first of Thor’s men, and certainly not the last.” He takes a deep breath, “our new friend, Conquest, here” —he motions to the handcuffed man— “will be our guide to finding Thor–”

Wade scoffs, “I’m sure Death can find him just fine, we don’t need–”

“She is no longer one of us.” Zemo’s gaze meets Wade’s “If we want Thor alive, we will need to find him first.”

—

You skid to a stop on one of the lower floors, a bloody handprint smeared along the doorway tells you, you’re on the right track. Pushing the door open, you creep through.

The corridor is quiet, the hum of the lights above you vibrating into your bones like an electrical charge surging through you.

Peter had been right, one of them was bleeding, the trail of blood leading you farther down the corridor.

The door to the stairwell shuts almost silently, your gun drawn as you slink against the wall, following the crimson droplets.

Your heart should be thundering, slamming against your rib cage, but it’s not. An unrelenting calm settles deep within you, that familiar numbing darkness wraps its tendrils around you.

No thoughts of revenge surge through you, just the overwhelming instinct to hunt, the thrill of the chase, not out of need to survive, but for sport.

You reach the end of the trail, as it disappears around the corner. You grip your pistol tighter, swinging around the corner, only for your gun to be ripped from your hands. War shoves your hands upward as she rams you into the wall behind you. The impact causes all breath to leave your lungs in a painful woosh.

You struggle against her as she snarls in your face, “This” –she draws your own knife, slicing into your side, you bare your teeth through the pain– “is for Volstagg!” She rears back, poised to embed the blade in your abdomen, “and this is for Hogun!”

You twist in her grip, the knife piercing the wall next to you, giving you time to wrench yourself from her grip. Bringing your head down onto hers, the snap of bones echo, followed by your knee diving into her already bleeding side wound. As she stumbles back you don't let up, all that fills your mind is everything the horsemen are responsible for; the museum, Peter’s incident, your brother, everything. You let it drive you, push you until she is a mess coughing under your grip.

When your voice claws its way out of your throat, you don’t recognize it as your own, “It’s over War. You've lost. Give me Odinson, and I might make it quick.”

Her maniacal laugh echoes down the corridor, surrounding you, “You… you think I am War?!” —she laughs again sending her into a coughing fit— “I am merely his sword, his swift death–”

“Where is he?!”

“You might as well kill me. You couldn’t get anything from the others, you won't get anything from me.”

“Killing you is too easy. You. Will. Beg—”

A gunshot rings in the air, tiny droplets of blood spatter across your mask as she slumps in your grasp. Another shot rings out as you lunge for cover in time to see a glimpse of him run down another corridor.

Scrambling to your feet you follow him, the sound of a stairwell door opening and closing reaches your ears. You round the corner and chase after him, throwing yourself down each flight, slamming into the exit onto the main floor.

It’s chaos, police and paramedics are everywhere, Steve’s men as well as what’s left of your brother’s. Out of the corner of your eye you can see Happy and Pepper clinging to each other, her wails tearing into your heart as she reaches for the gurney.

You scan the area, but Thor is nowhere to be seen, pulling out your phone you send a quick text to Wade, giving him Peter’s location and the location of Thor’s decoy.

As you make your way onto the street, you pass an ambulance, snagging a first aid kit and shucking on one of their jackets to hide your weapons and uniform. Unbuckling your mask you allow it to plummet onto the sidewalk.

Your phone rings in your pocket, an unknown number flashes across the screen, you answer it—

‘Mrs. Carbonell…’

It’s Thor, your blood boils, “Carbonell is dead.” You snap, teeth clattering from the force.

‘Maybe to the rest of the city, but I know better.’

There is a long moment of silence before he speaks again, ‘Listen, I know we got off on the wrong foot, but I think we can come to an… understanding.’

You scoff, licking your teeth, but let him continue, his smug tone clinging in your lungs like cigar smoke,

‘It doesn’t have to be this way. Let’s make a deal… this is how it will go, I will leave and never return, you can go about your normal life and forget about me.’

You chuckle, “Listen well Odinson, this is how it will go. I want you to call all of your men, call in any favors you may have with the smaller bosses in this city and watch me tear them apart. Then, when I have taken everything and everyone” –you growl– “I’m coming for you.”

@dontbescaredtosingalong @texan-tazzy @tianamontag @daiseychaindisaster @silently-killing-you @buckyfan12 @leyannrae @justlovelifeblog @austynparksandpizza @capson-of-coul @betareader7 @vicmc624 @bigphattygyal @calwitch @buckysteveloki-me @curlyladylazarus111 @talesofadragon @trudy-shams

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the-weirdos-mind · 3 years

Text

League of Villains X Teen! Reader: You’re Gonna Go Far, Kid

Songfic of the song with the same name by The Offspring. Here’s the reader’s quirk:

Quirk- Manipulation

Type- Emitter

How it works- Similar to Aizawa’s and Nighteye’s quirks you have to look someone in the eye to get them under control. They’re unaware that you’re controlling them but still aware of their senses. When you have someone under control you can do whatever you want with them until you either look away from that person (it doesn’t always have to be eye contact), blink, or release them. Whenever someone is under your spell, it’s like being trapped in a room with one-way glass. They are aware of what’s going on but, can’t get help.

Drawbacks- If you use the power for more than an hour you’ll get a headache. If you push yourself you’ll get a migraine. You can choose when to activate it and for how long but the time still adds to an hour no matter how many times you activate it in the day.

Trigger warnings: Blood and use of violence, if I’m missing anything then let me know so I can correct it

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Show me how to lie You're getting better all the time And turning all against the one Is an art that's hard to teach

You followed Giran down the hallway to an unknown place. You had the hood of you (F/C) on to hide your (H/L) (H/C) hair with your eyes on the ground. You watched as foot after foot in (F/C) shoes put pressure on the dirty ground. You mentally sighed as you reflect your life choices. You didn’t want to live this life but everyone around you saw your quirk as one thing; villainous. You got tired of the words and became what they wanted you be. You realized that heroes are worthless and they didn’t care that a young (boy/girl/person) was heading down a dark path. You glanced up to see the man opening the door. You immediately looked down and followed him in the room.

Side glancing at the room you noticed it was a bar. There was a purple cloud like man with yellow eyes in a suit and a metal brace around his neck. He was polishing a glass behind the bar. On a red stool was another man holding a glass of alcohol. He had his pinky raised away from the glass though and you silently raised an eyebrow. Is this because of his quirk or is he British? His shaggy blue hair was covering most of his face but when he turned to face the two, you saw a pale hand covering his face and his red eyes glaring at you. You glanced down at the floor. Not yet.

“You seriously brought a child?” He asked setting the glass cup down. “You do know that this is for mature adults? And (she/he/they) can’t stare at me in the eyes? How rude.” His voice was raspy and you concluded he was holding the glass like that was because of his quirk.

“Shigaraki, this is (Y/N), I brought (him/her/them) cause (he/she/they) need some training with (his/her/their) quirk.” Giran said and took a drag from his cigarette. He exhaled and a smoke cloud came in the room. “(He/She/They) is getting better at it but, (he/she/they) still needs some help.”

You rolled your eyes at him. “At least I don’t treat kids like they’re nothing.” You mumbled still bitter about Shigaraki’s comment.

“What was that?” The blue haired man asked, dangerously.

“So, you’re deaf huh? I thought an excellent leader would treat a new recruit with respect no matter the age they are.”

Another clever word Sets off an unsuspecting herd And as you get back into line A mob jumps to their feet

“Shut up.” Shigaraki muttered and scratched his neck. He was stressed about the trouble this kid was causing. Sure he and Dabi didn’t get along but he liked being in control. “(He/She/They) is mature for (his/her/their) age.” Giran said. “Maybe with (him/her/them) as leader it won’t be bad.” He added. He knew what you were doing. If you get him mad enough to get him to look at you in the eye then you can show off your quirk. You did keep your mouth shut as the man stood up and walked over to you. You looked at him in the eye and a (F/C) hue came to your (E/C) eyes. His eyes begin to fog up a little, not enough to appear blind but enough to look suspicious.

Now dance, ****er, dance Man, he never had a chance And no one even knew It was really only you

Shigaraki barely saw the change of your eye color. He was so surprised to started dancing. His feet moved in a fast pace in place. “What the ****!?!” He yelled, only in his mind. Dabi started laughing again. The scarred man leaned over clutching his stomach. He’s laughing so hard he might start crying, or blood will fall from his destroyed tear ducts, if he’s not careful. After a few minutes of dancing you blinked to end the curse on him. They didn’t know that you caused it to happen. Giran smirked and patted you on the head. “What the h***?” The man asked looking around, wondering what just happened.

“That is (his/her/their) quirk at work.” He man said before the other could get angry. “With a power like (hers/his/theirs) would be useful for heist situations and causing diversions wouldn’t it?”

“What is (his/her/theirs) quirk?” The wisp man asked.

“Manipulation.” You said. “Whenever I look at someone in the eyes it activates my power. I can hold control of them for at least an hour before I get a headache. Best part is no one knows that they’re under my grasp.” You said.

“I’ll admit that I’m impressed.” Shigaraki said. “Welcome I guess.”

Giran smiled. “You won’t be disappointed.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And now you steal away Take him out today

After a few weeks of joining the League you’re on your first solo mission. Before this one you were mainly paired with a blonde haired girl named Toga. She was pretty nice when she wasn’t obsessing over blood or trying to stab you. Other times you were paired with a man named Twice. He would say two different things and it would give you mixed feelings about a job well done.

You walked through the area of the city to a hero agency. Your job is to find maps of the inside and steal them. Shigaraki didn’t care if they were on paper or not all he cared about was getting them, It’s pretty simple to do but considering this is you, you had a knife and a handheld gun just in case if things went south. So far it was going well. You got a security guard under control and using him you were able to get a computer with the building’s layout on it. Pulling out a flash drive that Compress had given you, you stuck it in the computer and start downloading. Unfortunately, you looked away from the guard and he glared at you.

“I don’t know your plan here kid, but it’s best if you leave now.” He said. He did try to alert someone but it was useless, he was trapped in his mind until you looked away. You looked at him and put your hand in your pocket with the knife.

“I don’t think so.” You said. Before he could call for backup you pulled the knife out and threw it at his chest. He gasped at the impact of the knife and slumped to the floor. Blood was falling from the wound fast, staining his shirt and forming a puddle. Thankfully there was a ding as the data had finished uploading to the flash drive. You walked over to the computer and pulled it out. You smirked as you pocketed it and pulled the knife out from the guard. You left the building leaving behind a guard slowly bleeding to death.

Nice work you did You're gonna go far, kid

You walked back into the hideout and put the flash drive on the bar next to Shigaraki. He nodded at you when he saw it. “Good job. A win for us.” He said and carefully pocketed the piece of tech.

“And in an hour too.” Spinner said.

“That’s really impressive!” Twice said. “It’s not that impressive.”

You feel a hand clamp on your head and ruffle your hair. “Not bad, kid.” Dabi said. He could tell you’re gonna go far in the villain industry.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

With a thousand lies And a good disguise Hit 'em right between the eyes Hit 'em right between the eyes

You had gotten in the school with one of the best lies you have, your parents went there. It wasn’t U.A. but it’s also training people for the hero industry. The plan was to get the best marks in the school and transfer to U.A. as the highest in your class. Giran came into play for making fake documents that pass off as real.

The one on one fight that took place with some kid you didn’t even bother to know was annoying. His quirk was something water related and you almost drowned a couple of times. You finally looked at him in the eye and ordered him to stop. You ran up to him and punched his face, in the between the eyes a couple of times. The first one stun him while the other knocked him out.

When you walk away Nothing more to say See the lightning in your eyes See 'em running for their lives

You panted and wiped the sweat away from your forehead. You walked away from the ring where the training took place and looked at everyone else. They looked away from you in fear and parted like a body of water. You swore you saw someone running for their life. You smirked to yourself and took your seat on the bleachers. Pride danced in your eyes like lightning.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Slowly out of line And drifting closer in your sights So play it out I'm wide awake It's a scene about me

The first thing the infamous Class 1-A noticed about you is how secretive you were. You shared nothing about yourself other than your name and quirk. They noticed that you did some… shady things to put it mildly. Some noticed you snuck out of the dorms at night. Idia, Miydoriya, Bakugo and Todoroki had followed you to an alleyway and heard you talking to some shadowy figure there. Both spoke in soft whispers that they couldn’t tell who you were talking to and whether or not they were male or female. Other than that occurrence, they didn’t get anything else.

About a week later, the League attacked UA. You had managed to get them in through your student ID and gave them full access to the school, by a really good copy of the little plastic card. Five minutes prior to the attack, you had excused yourself from math, who needs it anyways, and went to the bathroom. While the lockdown was going on, you met with Toga in the halls. The plan was to get to All Might and kill him, the typical plan made by the man child of a leader you have. You both heard footsteps running towards you and saw it was the class president, Iida. “(L/N), get away from her!” He yelled, doing his hand chop thing. You smirked and took out the dagger the blonde handed you. “No, I don’t think I will.” You responded. Time to shine.

There's something in your way And now someone is gonna pay And if you can't get what you want, Well, it's all because of me

He stood there, shell shocked at the sight before him. His classmate was a villain? You couldn’t use your quirk yet, anyways. You decided to let the scene play out. You let a dark chuckle seeing his face. “All my life I’ve been told that I was best suited for a villain. You know, you could’ve used the time you knew me to get to know me but, everyone treated me the same as before! It’s too bad that things had to end like this. Wait, no it’s not that bad. You and your class are gonna pay!” You yelled. You lunged at him and he dodged as he snapped out of his shocked state.

“(Y/N), it doesn’t have to be this way!” He said and continued to dodge the blade. He was still surprised and didn’t attempt to fight back because he couldn’t believe the suspicions about you were true. You growled in frustration. “It’s too late for me anyways. You can’t turn me to the light.” You said and looked at him in the eyes and yours started glowing (F/C). He almost let out a gasp but it didn’t leave his body as his eyes fogged up a little.

Now dance, ****er, dance, man, I never had a chance And no one even knew, it was really only you And now you'll lead the way

You smiled as the class representative had fallen for your trick. “Now, we’re going back to the class, and you’re going to act like everything is alright.” You ordered.

He nodded. “Yes, (Sir/Ma’am/Other).” He said, voice coming out robotically. He set off to find his class and you followed him, due to your power. The irony of the situation was almost amusing to you. Almost. The head of the class, now a puppet. A puppet that can dance to whatever twisted moves that you have set for it.

Show the light of day Nice work you did You're gonna go far, kid Trust deceived

You followed him down the twisting paths of the hallways to the rest of the class. Your gaze fixed on the back of his head. You knew Toga was going to inform everyone else that everything was according to plan. Finally, the two of you reached the hiding area where everyone else was. “Thank goodness you found, (him/her/them!)” You heard Izuku said. Then he noticed that something was off about his classmates. You were refusing to look at anybody else than the boy in front of you and Iida’s looked dazed. Like he was… under someone’s control.

The greenette’s eyes widened. His classmate was… no. He had his suspicions but the truth is hard to handle. Before he could say anything, Iida gave him a swift kick in the face.

With a thousand lies and a good disguise Hit 'em right between the eyes Hit 'em right between the eyes

They stood there in surprise and shock. A blanket of fear had covered them, making them stand there like statues. The only sounds were the groans of Miydoriya and the thud of his body hitting the ground. “I-Iida.” Ochaco stuttered in fear. No one had expected the class president to attack their classmate outside of training. The blue haired boy then hit the nearest person, Mineta, giving him a punch to the cheek. No one really reacted to that. In all honesty, the grape had it coming.

When you walk away, nothing more to say See the lightning in your eyes See 'em running for their lives

While they were distracted, you used the opportunity to leave. It didn’t matter if Iida was going to spill the secret you kept from them. That s*** was already out. You smirked to yourself knowing which side of the street you belong in.

Now dance, ****er, dance, he never had a chance And no one even knew, it was really only you So dance, ****er, dance, I never had a chance It was really only you

The mission went out as planned. It was only a ploy to strike fear in the hearts of citizens. After all, an attack with no causalities is far worse with ones that do. You now sat at the bar, a bottle of water in your hand. You may be a criminal but the age of drinking consent is something that you can’t argue with. No matter how hard you tried. The news was on talking about the event. Everyone was able to get away without anyone being caught. Call it luck or whatever but, you’re thankful that they did. The anchorwoman was talking about how a student was involved with the League and helped out. A picture of your face appeared on the screen and you smirked. It wasn’t a school photo but a mugshot from a previous capture. One you managed to get away from. No one even suspected you, or so you think, but regardless it’s wonderful to see.

With a thousand lies and a good disguise Hit 'em right between the eyes Hit 'em right between the eyes

You couldn’t help but chuckled remembering the looks on each of their faces. What they thought was a classmate was really playing a part. A perfect disguise if you asked yourself. You have the innocent looking (boy/girl/person) appearance and if anyone who didn’t know you found out about your job. It would’ve made you laugh as not everything is as it seems.

Your fists tingled as they remembered the feeling of their face contacting your skin. You placed the hand that held the plastic bottle on top of the other’s knuckles. The feeling is something you’re going to remember for a long time.

When you walk away, nothing more to say See the lightning in your eyes See 'em running for their lives

A pair of footsteps came walking in and you dropped your hands to your lap. You see Shigaraki walking into the bar holding a folder, with a finger away from it as always. You know it could only mean one thing. “Another mission?” You asked, voicing your thoughts. The boss nodded and handed it to you.

“Go over it and be ready for when the time comes. You did good on your last mission, keep up the good work. You’re a valuable character.” He said before walking away. You weren’t sure if the last sentence was a praise or another video game term but regardless you nodded.

“Will do.” You said and opened it up, wondering what will be to cause more fear in the people. And more pride in yourself. Each success makes you happy.

Clever alibis, Lord of the Flies Hit 'em right between the eyes Hit 'em right between the eyes

You almost busted out laughing seeing which role you were supposed to play. An innocent citizen who loves all the hero crap. You won’t be alone this time, having Toga to accompany you on this one. You felt excited for the mission. It would mean more people will realize what idiots heroes truly are. The truth will knock them down from the clouds.

When you walk away, nothing more to say See the lightning in your eyes See 'em running for their lives

But right now, it’s time for a nap. The last mission tired you out. You took the folder with you and walked to your room. All that matters right now is a bed, a blanket, and wonderful dreams of a world where people run in fear from you.

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itsclydebitches · 3 years

Text

The Bad Batch: A Crosshair Analysis

Hello, Star Wars fandom! I have just completed watching—and loving—The Bad Batch, which you know means I now need to dump all my thoughts about the first season into the tumblr void. Specifically, thoughts on the complicated drama that is Crosshair. I have no doubt that the majority of what I’m about to say will be old news to anyone who watched the show when it came out (I’m slow...), but I’m writing it all out anyway. Largely for my own sanity enjoyment :D

I want to preface all of this by saying that the above is not an exaggeration. I love the show and I love the entire cast. My enjoyment in each of the characters is directly connected to my enjoyment of the season as a whole, which I say because I’m about to get pretty critical towards some of the characters’ choices and, to a lesser extent, the writing choices that surround those. Does this mean I secretly hate The Bad Batch? Quite the opposite. I’m invested, which is presumably just what Filoni wants. I’m just hoping that investment pays off.

But enough of the disclaimers. Let’s start with the matter of the inhibitor chip. I’ve seen fans take some pretty hard stances on both sides: Crosshair is completely innocent because he’s definitely been under the chip’s control this whole time, no matter what he might say. Crosshair is completely guilty because he said the chip was removed a long time ago and he chose to do all this, no moral wiggle room allowed. However, the reality is that we don’t know enough to make a clear call either way. The audience, simply put, does not have all the necessary information. What we have instead is a couple of facts combined with claims that may or may not be reliable. Let’s lay them out:

Crosshair was definitely under the chip’s control at the start of the series.

He was able to resist it to a certain extent, resulting in a pressure to obey orders coupled with a primary loyalty to his squad. See: telling Hunter to follow the Empire’s commands—which includes killing kid Padawans—but not turning his team in as traitors when they did not. It’s an in-between space.

Crosshair’s chip was then amplified to an unknown extent. I’m never going to claim I’m a Star Wars aficionado—I’m a casual fan, friends. Please don’t yell at me over obscure lore lol—but within TBB’s canon, no one else is undergoing that experimentation. The effects of this are entirely unknown, which includes Crosshair’s free will, or lack thereof.

Crosshair then becomes a clear tool of the Empire, hunting down innocents, killing on a whim, the whole, evil shebang.

In “Reunion” he’s caught by the engine and suffers severe burns to his face. One leaves a scar that covers precisely the place where the chip would have been extracted.

Removing the chip leaves its own scar behind. If Crosshair’s was removed, we can’t see that scar due to the burn.

After these events Crosshair seems to mellow a bit. He does horrible things under the Empire’s orders—like shooting the senator—but is still loyal to his squad—killing his non-clone teammates to give TBB a chance, saving AZ and Omega, etc.

Crosshair claims that his chip has already been removed. However, Crosshair is arguably an unreliable source if he’s been lied to or if the chip is still there, encouraging him to manipulate the team.

Crosshair claims it was removed a long time ago, which is incredibly imprecise. As we can see from just some of the events listed above, precisely when the chip came out—if it came out—makes a huge difference.

Hunter realizes this and presses for clarification, but Crosshair dodges giving it. Again, a legitimate belief that it doesn’t matter, or evidence that he can’t say because something else is going on? We don’t know.

Hunter checks Crosshair’s head and finds the burn scar which proves… nothing. As stated above, they wouldn’t be able to see the surgery scar one way or another: its existence or its absence. It’s useless data, as Tech might say. I’ve seen a few fans claim that Hunter was also feeling for the chip with his enhanced senses, but 1. I didn’t catch any evidence of that in the scene and 2. Even if we assume Hunter did that anyway, the chips are notoriously hard to spot. Fives and AZ couldn’t find the chip at first when examining Tup. Ahsoka had to use the force to find it in Rex. TBB themselves couldn’t find it at first in Wrecker. If machinery consistently fails to find the chip on the first couple of tries—it’s meant to be a hidden implant, after all—why would we believe Hunter’s senses could pick it up instantly? Maybe he missed it, or maybe it wasn’t there at all.

Crosshair appears to be struggling with a headache in the finale, just as he was at the beginning of the season and just like Wrecker was for the first half.

The point of listing all this out is to emphasize how ambiguous this whole situation is. I don’t want to use this post to argue one way or another about whether Crosshair’s chip is really out. I have my preferred theory (the chip’s still in, but only partially functional), but at the end of the day none of this is conclusive. The writing takes us in what I hope is deliberate circles. Crosshair says the chip is out? Crosshair is not a reliable source of information until we know if the chip is out. What other evidence is there that the chip is gone? A scar? We can’t see if there’s a scar. Hunter’s abilities? He only checked once for a canonically hard to find implant—if he actually checked at all. And why would the Empire want the chip out? Well, maybe it has to do with that push towards willing soldiers, but if that were the case, why leave Crosshair behind and have the “clones die together”? By that point he was one of the most willing, chip or not. Did they have to take it out because of the engine accident? Pure speculation. We just don’t know and THAT is the point I want to make.

Because it means the rest of the Bad Batch didn’t know either.

The core issue I have here is not whether the chip is in or out, or even how long it may have been in if it is out now. The issue is that TBB spent 99% of the first season believing that Crosshair was under the chip’s influence… and they didn’t try to do anything about that. They abandoned him. They left a man behind. Does this make them all horrible monsters? Of course not! This shit is complicated as hell, but I do think they made a very large mistake and that Crosshair has every right to be furious about it.

“But, Clyde, they couldn’t have gone back. It was too dangerous! Hunter had a duty to his whole team, not just Crosshair.” True enough and I’d buy this argument 100% if Hunter hadn’t spent the entire season throwing his team into dangerous, seemingly impossible situations to save other people. Crosshair became the exception, not a hard rule of something they had to avoid. They went back to Kamino for Omega, a kid they’d only had one lunch with, despite knowing how dangerous the Empire was. They went into the heart of an occupied planet to rescue not just a stranger, but one belonging to the Separatist government. They helped Sid when she asked and there was plenty of compassion for the criminal trying to take her place. Most significantly, there wasn’t the slightest hesitation to go rescue Hunter when he was under the Empire’s control, in precisely the same place. Every explanation I’ve seen fans come up with—Kamino is too fortified, they don’t know where Crosshair is, they can’t risk Omega being captured, etc.—also holds true for Hunter, yet there wasn’t a second of doubt about needing to at least try to help him. And his rescue was arguably far more dangerous given that TBB knew they were walking into a trap. Going after Crosshair would have at least had some element of surprise.

I think the problem with these justifications is most easily seen in “Rescue on Ryloth” and, later, “War-Mantle.” In the former, we do watch Hunter decide that going on a rescue mission is too much of a risk, only for Omega to talk him into considering it.

Hunter: “It’s a big galaxy. We can’t put ourselves on the line every time someone’s in trouble.”

Omega: “Why not? Isn’t that what soldiers do?”

Hunter: “It’s not worth the risk.”

Omega: “She’s trying to save her family, Hunter. I’d do the same for you.”

The arguments that sway him are ‘Soldiers should help people’ and ‘Soldiers should specifically help their family.’ So… what does that say about their feelings for Crosshair? They’re willing to put themselves on the line for the parents of a girl they met once at a drop site, but not their own brother? That’s the message the writing sends. “But, Clyde, the difference is that they had an advantage here. Hera’s knowledge of her home planet tipped the odds in their favor.” Yeah… and Crosshair is stationed on TBB’s home planet. Even more than them collectively having the same knowledge that Hera does, “Return to Kamino” reveals that Omega always had additional, insider knowledge of the base: she has access to a secret landing pad and the tunnels leading up into the city. That knowledge was given and used the second Hunter’s freedom was on the line, but it never once came up to use for Crosshair’s benefit.

“War-Mantle’s” mission puts this problem in even sharper relief. Another claim I’ve seen a lot is that TBB only took risky rescue missions because they needed to be paid. The guys have got to eat after all. Yet Tech makes it clear that going after Gregor will lose them money. They’re meant to be on a mission for Sid and deviating for that won’t result in a payment. He explicitly says that if they decide to do this, they won’t eat. They do it anyway. No money, no intel, a huge risk “on a clone we don’t even know.” But that’s not what’s important, the show says. All that matters is that a brother is in trouble. This time it’s Echo pushing that message instead of Omega. When Hunter realizes that they’re about to try and infiltrate an entire facility and they don’t even know if this clone is still alive, Echo points out that they took that risk once before: for him. “If there’s a chance that trooper is being held against his will, we have to try and get him out.”

Yes! Exactly right! So why doesn’t that apply to Crosshair?

“Because he tried to kill them, Clyde!” No, that’s the easy, dismissive answer. A chipped Crosshair tried to kill them. AKA, a Crosshair entirely under the Empire’s control. The only difference between his enslavement and Gregor’s is that Gregor’s chains were physical while Crosshair’s were mental. And again, the point of everything at the start of this post is to show that no one knows when or even if that chip was removed. TBB definitely didn’t have any reason to suspect that Crosshair was working under his own power until Crosshair himself said as much. We might have been able to make that case at the start of the season, but “Battle Scars” removes any possible confusion. The entire team watched Rex reach for his blaster when he learned their chips were still in. The entire team watched Wrecker become a totally different person and attack them, just like Crosshair did. The entire team forgave him instantly and had their own chips removed. So why in the world didn’t anyone go, “Wow, Crosshair has a chip too. He was no more responsible for attacking us than Wrecker was. We need to try to get him out, no matter how hard that might be, just like we had to try for all these other people we’ve helped.”

But they didn’t. No one even considered rescuing Crosshair. They only went back for Hunter and, when they realized Crosshair was there too, they didn’t change their plans to try and rescue him as well. He’s treated as a particularly threatening inconvenience, not another team member in need of their help.

The problem I have with how this all went down is that the team treated Crosshair like an enemy despite all evidence to the contrary. Despite Omega outright saying that this isn’t his fault, it’s the chip, the group seems to decide that he’s gone crazy or something and that there’s nothing they can do. “It’s fine,” I thought. “They don’t really get what the chip is like yet. They don’t understand how thoroughly it controls someone.” But then “Battle Scars” arrives and Wrecker is treated with such compassion (which he deserves!) only for the group to continue acting like Crosshair is somehow different. It’s easy to say, “But Crosshair shot Wrecker” and ignore the easy pushback of, “and Wrecker nearly shot Omega.” Up until Crosshair’s own accusations and Omega’s ignored comments, TBB’s understanding of the chip’s influence and the lack of responsibility that accompanies mysteriously disappears when the show’s antagonist becomes the subject of conversation. This is seen most clearly in how Hunter tries to frame things during his talk with Crosshair:

“You tried to kill us. We didn’t have a choice.”

“Can’t you see that they’re using you? It’s that inhibitor chip in your head.”

“You really don’t get who we are, do you?”

Hunter mentions the chip, but he acts as if it’s Crosshair’s responsibility to overcome it: “Can’t you see…” Of course he can’t see, that’s the entire point of the chip, the thing he currently believes Crosshair still has stuck in his head. But Hunter and the others—with Omega as a wonderful exception—never seem to have accepted this like they did for Wrecker. When Crosshair “tried to kill us” it’s seen as a deliberate act that he chose, not something forced on him like with Wrecker. When Hunter talks about their ethics, he subconsciously separates the team from Crosshair: “You really don’t get who we are, do you?”, revealing a pretty ingrained divide between them. Even Wrecker gets in on the action, the one brother who truly understands how much the chip controls someone: “All that time, you didn’t even try to come back.” What part of he couldn’t try is not hitting home here? Again, for the purposes of this conversation it doesn’t matter whether Crosshair was chipped this whole time or not. The point is that TBB believed he was chipped… and yet still expected him to somehow, magically overcome that programming, writing him off when he failed to do that. He’s consistently held responsible for actions that they were told (and, through Wrecker, saw) were completely outside of his control. Even when we factor in his claim that the chip was removed, TBB has ignored all the evidence I listed at the start. No one, not even Omega, challenges this super vague and strange claim, or seeks out proof because they don’t want to believe that their brother could willingly do this. There’s just this... acceptance that of course Crosshair went bad. Why? Because he was an asshole sometimes? Taking it all as written, it doesn’t feel like the batch considered him a true part of the team. Certainly not like Wrecker or Hunter. As shown, the batch will go out of their way, risk anything, forgive anything, for them. They have a level of faith that was never shown to Crosshair.

“Severe and unyielding,” Tech says and he’s absolutely right, but I’d seriously challenge this idea that any of the others would have automatically done better if the situations were reversed. It stood out to me that each batch member has a moment of doubt throughout the series, a brief glimpse into how they think the Empire isn’t that bad, at least when it comes to this particular thing. Basically, a moment that could lead to a very dangerous line of thinking without others to stomp it down. Wrecker announces that he’s happy working for whoever, provided they give him food and let him blow things up. Tech finds the chain codes to be an ingenious strategy and is clearly fascinated with their development. Hunter initially wants Omega to stay on Kamino, despite knowing that this Empire has already, systematically killed an entire group of people: the Jedi. Doesn’t matter. She’s still (supposedly) safer there than she would be running with the likes of them.

There’s absolutely no doubt that those three made the correct choice in defying the Empire, but I believe that their ability to make that choice is largely dependent on them having each other. They survive together, not apart, and it’s their unity that allows them to make the really hard calls, like setting out on their own and opposing such a formidable force. But if Tech’s chip had activated and he’d been left behind, would he have muscled through to escape somehow...or would he have gotten caught up in all the new technology the Empire offered him, succumbing to both his chip and the inevitability that if his squad no longer wanted him, why not stay? Would Wrecker have escaped, or been easily manipulated into a new life of exploding things? Would Hunter have been able to push through without his brothers, or would he have become devoted to a new team to lead? Obviously there’s no way to ever know, but it’s always easier to make the right decisions when you have support in doing so. Crosshair had no support. His team left him and yes, they had to in that specific moment, but the point is that they never came back. As far as we saw throughout the season, they never planned to come back. They all talk about loving the Crosshair who existed when life was easier, but they weren’t willing to fight for the Crosshair that most needed their help. When he says “You weren’t loyal to me,” he’s absolutely right. The same episode, “Return to Kamino,” gives Omega two powerful lines that the group rallies behind:

Omega: “[The danger] doesn’t matter. Saving Hunter is what matters.”

AZ: “You must leave.”

Omega: “Not without Hunter.”

The key word there is “Hunter.” Danger, stakes, risk, probability… none of that matters when Hunter needs help. Crosshair did not receive that same level of devotion.

Which creates a kind of self-fulfilling prophecy. The group is upset that Crosshair isn’t rejoining them, but they fail to realize that he has no reason to trust them anymore. He’s not joining the Empire because he’s inherently evil and that’s that, end of discussion. He’s joining it because above all Crosshair wants a place to belong… and TBB has made it clear—unintentionally—that he does not belong with them. The horrible actions that Crosshair took under his own free will (theoretically) came after he realized that doing bad things while under the Empire’s control was, apparently, unforgivable. If it wasn’t, his team would have come back to rescue him. They could have at least tried. But they didn’t, so Crosshair is left with the conclusion that either what he did under the Empire’s control is something the group can’t forgive him for, or they can forgive that (like with Wrecker) and he’s the problem here. He’s the one not worth that effort.

“The Empire will be fazing out clones next,” Hunter says. To which Crosshair responds, “Not the ones that matter.”

He wants to matter to someone and events show he no longer matters to his brothers. So why not stay with the Empire? I mean, we as the audience ABSOLUTELY know why not. Self-doubt and feelings of isolation aren’t excuses for joining the Super Evil Organization. Crosshair, if he is under his own control, is still 100% in the wrong for supporting them, no matter his reasons. So it’s not an excuse, but rather an explanation of that very human, flawed, fallible thinking. He needs to be useful. He needs to be wanted. Crosshair is an absolute dick to the regs and I have no doubt that a lot of that stems from the harassment TBB has experienced from them (with a side of his inflated ego), but I’d bet it’s also due to Crosshair’s intense desire to be valuable to someone. He keeps pointing out the regs’ supposed deficiencies because it highlights his own usefulness. When Crosshair fails to find Hera, the Admiral says that soon he’ll get someone who can, looking straight at Howzer at the door. It makes Crosshair seethe because his entire identity is based on being useful, yet no one seems to need him anymore. TBB seems to no longer want him. The Empire no longer wants clones. Now even regs are considered a better option than him, the “superior” soldier. Everywhere Crosshair turns he’s getting the message that he’s not wanted, but he’ll keep fighting to at least be needed in some capacity, no matter how small. Even if that means overlooking all the horrors the Empire commits.

“All you’ll ever be to [the Empire] is a number,” Hunter says and he’s absolutely right. But to TBB recently, Crosshair hasn’t even been that. He’s been nothing. Nobody worth coming back for. To his mind, at least being a number is something.

I hope that all of this resolves itself into a conclusion that is kind to each side (preferably without a Vader-style death redemption), especially given the still ambiguous state of the chip, but from a writing standpoint I’m admittedly a bit wary. We’re obviously meant to believe that the batch all love each other, but as established throughout this entirely too long post, this season did a terrible job imo of proving that they love Crosshair. Or, at least, proving that they love him as much as the others. If this was really meant to be just a matter of miscommunication, with Crosshair making terrible life choices because he only thinks he was abandoned, then we as the audience would have seen the batch trying and failing to get him out. Or at least establishing a very good reason why they couldn’t take that risk, hopefully with entirely different side-missions so the audience isn’t constantly going, “So you can risk everything for Gregor... but not Crosshair?” I’m VERY glad that Crosshair was allowed to air his grievances to the extent he did, but the end result of that—Hunter continually denying this, Omega walking away from him in their rooms, neither Tech nor Wrecker actually sticking up for him and acknowledging the chip’s influence during at least some of all this—is making things feel rather one-sided. It’s like we’re meant to take Crosshair at his word and accept that he’s this garden-variety antagonist who joins the Empire because yay being on the winning side… despite all these complications that clearly have a huge impact on how we read the situation. It doesn’t help that the show has already embraced an inconsistent manner of portraying chipped-clones. We know every clone has one, we know only a couple clones are aware of the chip’s existence (and can thus try to get it out), we know they enter a “Good soldiers follow orders” mindlessness once activated… yet towards the end we see a lot of side character clones thinking for themselves. Howzer decides that he’s no longer loyal to the Empire, giving a speech where a couple other clones throw down their weapons too. Gregor was arrested because he likewise realized how wrong this all was. But how is that possible? Do the chips completely control the clones, or not? Are these clones somehow exceptions? Are the chips beginning to fail? All of that has a bearing on how we read Crosshair—what were his own decisions, how much he was capable of overcoming the chip, whether that changed at all during certain points—but right now that remains really unclear.

It’s details like that which make me wonder if all these other questions will be answered. Will the story resolve all those ambiguous moments surrounding the chip, or brush them off with the belief that we should have just taken Crosshair at his equally ambiguous word? Will the story acknowledge Crosshair’s points through someone other than Crosshair, allowing it to exist as a legitimate criticism, rather than the presumed excuses of an antagonist? I’m… not sure. On the whole I’m very happy with TBB’s writing—despite what all this might imply lol. Until my brain picks over the season and discovers something else, my only other gripe is not allowing Omega to form a solid bond with Tech and Echo, instead putting all the focus on big brother!Wrecker and dad!Hunter. I think it’s a solid show that does a lot right, but I’m worried that, unless there’s a brilliant answer to all these questions and an intent to unpack both sides of the Hunter vs. Crosshair debate with respect—not just falling back on, “Well, Crosshair is with the Empire so everything he says is automatically bad and wrong” take—we’ve just gotten the setup for a somewhat messy, ethical story. For anyone here who also reads my RWBY metas, I’m pretty sure you’re not at all surprised that I’m invested in going, “Hey, you had one of the heroes suddenly become/join a dictatorship and do a lot of horrific things, but within a pretty complicated context. Can we please work through that carefully and with an acknowledgement of the nuance here, rather than throwing the ‘evil’ character to the proverbial wolves?”

God knows TBB is leagues ahead of RWBY, but I hope things continue on in not just a good direction, but one that tackles the aspects of this situation that many fans—and Crosshair—have already pointed out. As much as I adore the cast—and I really, really do—it was discomforting to watch a found family show where 4/5th of that family so completely wrote off one of the members and crucially have, at least so far, refused to acknowledge that. I want complicated, flawed characters, but that’s only compelling when the storytelling admits to and grapples with those flaws. We have quite firmly established Crosshair’s flaws in Season One. I hope Season Two delves into the rest of the team’s too.

Aaaand with that meta-dump out of my system, I’m off to write TBB fic. Thanks for reading! :D

#The Bad Batch #TBB #Crosshair #Star Wars #SW #mymetas #do I take my life in my hands #by posting SW meta?#probably lol

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cassava-49 · 4 years

Text

Death 1

Part 2/ Part 3/ Part 4/ Part 5/ Part 6/ Part 7

The water looks so inviting mostly after all that has happened to you. Marinette felt numb, not really caring whether or not people, other than her family, would care. She didn't feel like the bubbly girl that she was since the start. She didn't feel the responsibility of being Ladybug surge through. All that filled her head was how everyone in class turned against her because of Lila's lies.

"Marinette can you stop being so jealous and possessive and manipulative for once!" Alya shouted at her. "Alya, can you stop blaming Marinette for once!" Adrien shouted back. "I know that Lila's lying and I know Marinette's telling the truth. Can you stop! For once, stop thinking that Lila's such a perfect angel!" he added. "Adrien, just stop, please," Marinette pleaded him. "I-i-it's a-alright Alya, Ma-ma-marinette didn't mean to," Lila cried, hiding her victorious grin. "Sh, sh, don't worry Lila, but it's not okay," Alya comforted her. "Dude, you should apologize," Nino said to the pair. The two then scowled at their ex-best friends, but before they could retaliate, Natalie appeared to the scene. "Adrien," she sternly called. He flinched, knowing what will happen. He then took Marinette by the wrist and walked towards the exit with Natalie following behind. "I'm sorry Adrien," Marinette said as he got into the car, he then gave her a sad smile and a curt nod.

That night she waited for his call. Anxiety teasing through her body, finally after dinner, she heard her phone ring. She immediately answered it and heard Adrien's shaky voice on the other line. "What happened? How did it go?" she asked. "H-he, m-my father," he stuttered. "He's pulling me out of school," he said. "What! Why?" she asked, worry slowly sunk in. "He said that you're a bad influence and so is the school, he's sending me to New York," he replied. "I-I'm so sorry Adrien," she replied, feeling the tears attempting to escape. "It's alright, it was my choice anyway. It was either going to school but ignore you, or go to a different country but be able to contact you," he replied. "If I chose the former, it would break my heart seeing you, and it's not like I have any other friends," he added. "Promise that we'll keep in touch," she whispered. "I promise, but I've got to go now, I need to do something," he answered. "Yeah, sure, good night," she replied. "Good night," he responded.

Once the call ended she summoned her transformation to vent out by swing across the city. She arrived at their rendezvous point to find a crying Chat. Without hesitation she walked to him and wrapped her arms around him. "Chat, are you ok?" she asked. "My lady," came his response. She then sat beside him as she let go. "What's wrong?" she queried. "I'm leaving," he replied. "Why?" she asked. No please, not Chat, I can't lose them both at the same time, she thought. "My father, he wants to transfer me to New York," he answered. "That's why I have to give up being Chat Noir. I'm sorry," he said in between sobs. "When?" she pressed. "Tomorrow, he already got the papers done this morning, with all his connections and money, I never doubted it," he let out a strained chuckle. "I planned to give up my miraculous after patrol. One last taste of being Chat Noir. Never had I wanted an akuma attack so badly," he cried. He then felt Ladybug pull him up to his feet. "Let's go have one last run together, until you come back," she said with tears in her eyes as she wiped his. He gave out a small smile as they raced on the rooftops of Paris.

After their run they heard a blast, making both of them smile and eagerly defeated the akuma. With five minutes remaining, they raced on the Paris rooftops with Ladybug leading. Ladybug grabbed his arm and pulled him onto her balcony. "Why are we at Marinette's?" Chat asked. "I want to tell you who I am," she replied. "A-are you sure?" he asked. "I've never been more sure. I want you to know," she replied as both of their transformations fall. If they were not crying earlier, they were crying now, crouched down in each others arms. Adrien Agreste WAS Chat Noir, Marinette Dupain-Cheng WAS Ladybug. They smiled at each other and hand in hand entered her room The two then spent their time in her room as Plagg floated next to Adrien, knowing that he'll miss his presence. It was one in the morning when Ladybug returned Adrien to his room with a longing kiss goodbye, promising to be together once he's back.

That was our plan, Marinette thought as she leaned on the railing if the bridge. The bridge where she and Adrien bought ice-cream from André's. This was the bridge where she and Kagami became friends. This was the bridge where she shared her ice-cream with Luka. Unfortunately, Adrien's plane crashed in the Atlantic, the cause was still unknown. If he had the horse miraculous, he would have survived, she thought again. Ever since his death, she gave up her miraculous giving it to the new ladybug holder as she apologized to Tikki. She also told her parents the truth and asked them to be part of the order of the guardians, and taught them the secrets to the miraculous.

It's been weeks since Kagami and Luka became the new Lady Luck and Monsieur Noir of Paris, they still reminded Paris about the original Chat Noir and Ladybug, who will always remain in their hearts, they even asked the mayor to make their debut Ladybug and Chat Noir's day. As for Lila, she began making more lies as to why Ladybug quitted like, "She felt too much pressure and wanted me to become the new ladybug but I had to refuse since I didn't feel worthy and it would be too obvious because I'm the new Ladybug since I'm her best friend, but I helped in picking out the new recruits."

Lies, lies, it was all lies, Marinette was the one who gave Kagami and Luka the cat and ladybug miraculous. It hurts, it hurts, so much. With one last look at the stars, she fell into the icy cold water of the Seine. She didn't feel anything else, until her head collided with a sharp rock at the bottom.

...

Marinette woke up with a massive headache. She found herself in an hospital ward, but her clothes were what she had been wearing when she tried to commit suicide. She watched her parents stare animatedly at her but said nothing. She then realised something, her parents were not looking at her, but something behind her. She followed their line of sight to find herself. She had her head wrapped up in bandages, her hair was down, a pipe was in her throat for food. Her nose also had the typical dexterous to help her breath, another was connected to her large intestine for excretion. That was when she knew, she was in her astro form. Her soul left her vegetable body and is free to wander since she was in a coma.

She got up and began walking towards her parents. Their tear strained eyes watched her wistfully, hoping that she would wake up soon. Her grandfather's bread was in a basket next to her bed. Her Nona's helmet was found in one of the chairs, signifying that she was there. She touched her father's cheek, only to have her hand pass through his face. She was a ghost, or a spirit, either way she was neither dead nor alive. She went to her mother who was walking towards her body taking her hand, she felt warmth, a sign that she can still feel and not exactly dead. She watched as the monitor showed that her heart beat was normal and resting.

All of a sudden her classmates, along with Lila were inside her room. All with devastated faces, even Lila, which surprised her. Alya and Nino was crying along with Rose, Mylène, Chloé and basically everyone was crying except for Lila who still had shock written all over her face. Although the same couldn't be said for her parents. Tom got up as Sabine moved closer to Marinette's body. "Leave," he said. "What? Why? Marinette is our friend, we have to be here for her," Alya exclaimed. "Really, so you have no idea as to why she committed suicide?" Tom asked with a growl this time. "Isn't it obvious? It's because Adrien died," she answered. This time Sabine got up and threw her Marinette's note. Alya dropped to her knees as she read it out loud, causing everyone to cry harder. There she explained that Adrien was not the reason as to why she died. He was the reason as to why she still lived even though he passed, but she said that she could not take it anymore, all the bullying, all the rumours, all the lies and the threats. After reading the note, Alya turned to Lila asking for an answer. But this time she was crying, was it guilt or were they real.

"Get out," a growl erupted from behind them, to find Marinette's grandfather. "I-I'm so so-" Alya tried to say. "Don't give us your half assed apology, the damage has been done, now get out!" Sabine shouted. They all but rushed out of the room with Marinette's ghost. Once the door was closed they all turned to Lila for an explanation and as if some divine intervention, Jagged Stone appeared with his mascara dripping down with his tears as he pushed past the teens to enter her room.

"Mr. Stone?" Kim asked. "What! Can't you see I'm in a hurry to see my niece!" he exclaimed. "Niece? But isn't it just Marinette in there?" he asked. "Just Marinette," he says in a low voice. "Just Marinette! This is my niece we're taking about, the sweetest, kindest girl I'll every meet!" he exclaimed as Penny arrived. "But what about Lila?" Kim asked. "Lila? Lila! That crazed girl who thinks I have a kitten and deliberately bullied my niece! She's here? Where is she!" he exclaimed with outrage only to be held back by Penny.

If Marinette was still alive, she would have enjoyed watching Lila's lies crumble down, but now she doesn't feel anything. "What a mess?" she heard someone say from behind. She turned to find a boy around her age standing beside her. Not really minding, since he couldn't see her, she returned her attention towards Jagged and her classmates. But she turned her attention back to the boy when she saw a nurse pass through him. "Y-you're a ghost?" she asked catching his attention. "You can see me?" he asked. Now looking at him she thought that he resembled Adrien, like a lot. He was blond with green eyes, a head taller wearing a grey Polo shirt with a black vest she tie. "I'm Marinette Dupain-Cheng," she introduced herself unconsciously. The boy stared at her and replied, "I'm Felix Graham de Vanilly." They turned their attention back to the commotion as they watched Alya punch Lila letting out her anger once she found out the truth.

"I'm sorry, they're my classmates," she huffed. "What's the deal with the girl in the glasses and the Italian?" he asked. She sighed and replied, "It's actually a very long sob story. Are you sure you want to hear it?" she asked. Felix smiled and replied, "There's nothing wrong with a long story, it's not like I'm going anywhere." Marinette smiled as Felix lead her away from the commotion as she began telling him her story.

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writing-on-standby · 3 years

Text

time of dreaming (pt two)

Summary: Soulmates meet in their dreams from the age of 16 until they meet for the first time. Once they meet, they share their physical and emotional feelings with one another until they die. Tom Holland was just starting to learn how to take over the family business and ignore the urge to find his soulmate when everything changes and he’s found face to face with you. You’ve always wanted to meet your soulmate and spend the rest of your life with them until you actually meet yours and life changes forever.

Warnings: Swearing, blood, hospital, mentions of grief/death, smoking, drinking

part two: negotiations

As the ambulance’s scream echoed closer to the parking lot they all sat in, Tom helplessly watched as Harrison was trying to stop the bleeding on the stranger that had gotten involved in an unnecessary conflict. Tom ran a hand through his messy hair as more tears burned the back of his throat. He took a deep breath and shook them away, knowing that he was now in charge of one of the biggest mobs in the United Kingdom. He couldn’t show weakness - not now, not ever again.

Tom looked down at the girl on Harrison’s lap. Her hair was long enough to be sticky with her own blood. Then again, almost all of the poor girl was covered in blood. When Tom shut his eyes, all he saw was the look on her face when Luke O’Malley grabbed her. Tom couldn’t shake the look she had when her chest was slashed open. Guilt burned at Tom’s eyes. When he started taking over the business, he was able to shut out the guilt, but he never got used to seeing innocent people getting hurt.

“Tom,” Harrison spoke. Tom blinked a few times, trying to ground himself in what was happening currently. It was getting harder and harder to focus on his feet on the ground. Maybe, he’d see his soulmate in his dream tonight. Sometimes, during especially hard days, he’d see the girl he was meant to spend forever with. During those dreams, he’d usually avoid speaking and let the vague-faced girl rush to tell him facts about her.

“It’s been a while,” you murmured.

Tom blinked and found himself in the familiar pink cloud. The air was warm and smelled of roses. He smiled, but he knew you couldn’t see his actual face, just like he couldn’t really see yours. “I haven’t been sleeping well.”

You chuckled. The laugh that danced out of your lips was airy and velvety. Tom ignored the warmth that spread across his cheeks. You sat down on the ground like you usually did. “I’m sorry, hun.” You didn’t say anything for a while. Neither of you did. It was the usual routine the two of you had developed. Both of you had began enjoying the presence of one another. “When can we meet?”

Tom almost didn’t hear you. He wish he hadn’t. Your voice was so timid and fragile that he knew you were upset over not being able to meet him. “I don’t know,” he lied. His heart constricted with guilt for a brief moment before he was able to ignore it. It was the safest option for both of you to never meet. At least that’s what he told himself.

“I don’t even know your name,” you muttered, harshly.

Tom nodded, knowing that it was true. Neither of you had shared your names, despite you asking him repeatedly to share his. Part of Tom was scared of the rejection that he faced if he told you his name. He was terrified of you being afraid of him for what his family was known for. Tom ignored this thought, however, and focused on the importance of not meeting. “I don’t know yours, either,” he whispered back.

You laughed, humorlessly. “I’ll tell you mine when you tell me yours.” Tom didn’t respond, but you weren’t surprised. He watched you shake your head and move to your feet. You stood up and pushed your hair away from your face. “Look, if you’re good enough at dream manipulation to mask your face and your voice, don’t even bother coming to see me anymore. I don’t know why I waste my time here. I’m sorry I’m not good enough for you.”

Before Tom could say anything, you were gone from the dream. He groaned, running a hand through his hair. He knew he was hurting you by not giving any information about himself out, but he wanted to protect you. If he was being honest, though, he wanted to protect himself and his family more.

That was the last time he saw you in his dreams.

“Tom,” Harrison shouted, shaking Tom away from the memory of the last time he saw his soulmate. Tom looked down at Harrison, his best friend since his childhood. Harrison’s blue eyes were nervous, but Tom knew he was trying to hold it together for himself and his best friend. You were still passed out on his lap, but Harrison was now joined by Tom’s brother, Sam. Sam was joining Harrison’s attempt to stop the bleeding, but it looked more like they were playing in red paint. “She’s not going to make it.”

Sam shook his head. “She’s going to make it Harrison. Tom, help us stop the bleeding.”

Tom took as step closer to his family. Before he could get closer to you, Tom was hit with what felt like an invisible wall. All of the air in Tom’s lungs was pushed out of him as he felt a pressure against his right shoulder as well as his stomach. Tom shook his head, ignoring those feelings, knowing that he was in a fight earlier. Tom assumed the pain was a delayed reaction to the fight, now that the possibility of danger was gone. Tom walked closer to your limp body and tried gently shaking you awake. “You need to wake up, hon,” Tom spoke gently. “Come on, think of your family. Think of your soulmate.” Tom watched as your eyes danced under your eyelids. Your lips parted, slightly, but only a whimper fell between your lips. “Wake up.”

Harrison looked up at Tom. Tom’s brown eyes were vulnerable as he spoke to the lifeless body that Harrison was holding. Harrison wasn’t used to Tom showing the vulnerable side of him to anyone other than his family. Even then, the moments that Tom showed vulnerability were few and far between. Harrison knew that part of Tom’s reaction was due to his father’s very recent and very sudden death. Harrison looked back down at the lifeless body he was holding.

Before they could come up with a plan to tell the authorities, the ambulance screamed closer and the boys were roughly pushed away from you. Tom was growing frustrated with the amount of people rushing back and forth. All he wanted to do was go home, but he knew that he had to stay back and act as a witness.

While Tom stood back and watched the lifeless girl get CPR, he noticed a sinking feeling in his chest. He was struggling to catch his breath while he watched the paramedics work on the girl in front of him. “No,” he muttered, refusing to focus on the feelings he was getting. It was just the adrenaline leaving his body. It had to be.

“Excuse me, can I ask a few questions about what happened?”

Tom looked up at the officer in front of him. He nodded and sighed, totally used to working with officers in his line of work. “It was an O’Malley that did this,” he muttered.

The officer’s blue eyes widened while he studied Tom. The officer looked down at the pin that rested near Tom’s heart. Every member of the Holland Clan wore the same pin on their chest, showing their allegiance to the Mob. The officer slowly nodded, knowing what had happened. “Okay.” The officer walked away without another word.

Tom’s family paid off most of the officers in London to ensure their power over the city. Tom roughly ran a hand through his hair as he looked back to the paramedics. The sinking feeling suddenly went away as his heart skipped a beat. The world slowed around Tom as he felt as though there was two people breathing from his lungs. He struggled to control his own breathing and focus on his own body. “This can’t be fucking happening,” he moaned to himself, quietly.

Harrison walked over to Tom and clapped a hand to his shoulder. “C’mon, mate. She survived. Let’s go home.”

Tom nodded. “What if she tells them what happened? She doesn’t know what cops are on our payroll and what ones aren’t. What if she speaks to the wrong one?”

Harrison shook his head. “I don’t know, mate. All I know is it’s been a tough day for us. Let’s get home and rest.”

Tom shook his head. “No,” he growled. “I need an answer to this, now. She could wake up while we get some rest,” He mocked.

Harrison sighed and looked around at the scene that was playing out. The paramedics had lifted you onto a stretcher and put you in the ambulance. They were speaking to Sam and Harrison could only assume that they were telling Sam where they were taking you in an assumption that the Hollands actually cared about this random stranger. “We can tell her that we’ll take care of her bills until she can go back to work as long as she doesn’t say anything. It’s not like we can’t afford it.”

Tom nodded, not really paying attention to what was happening around him. His chest was hurting and his soul ached. Tom had no idea what was causing this pain, but he was pushing the feelings as far away from his mind as he could. “So we blackmail the girl after she’s assaulted because of us.”

“What the hell else are we going to do, Tom?”

Tom tried to ignore the anger he felt twisting its way into his stomach at the tone Harrison used towards him. “Fine. We’ll go to the hospital and talk to her once she wakes up.”

Your eyes were burning, but that didn’t compare to the ache you felt in your stomach. Your organs were hot and burned every time you took a breath. You slowly peeled your eyelids open as a soft whimper escaped your lips. Your lips were chapped, knuckles ached, and your right arm was in a sling. You blinked a few times, but nothing could erase the anger that was bubbling inside you. For a second, you tried to figure out what you were so mad about, but the more you focused on this feeling, the sooner you realized that it wasn’t your anger you felt. It was your soulmate’s.

Your heart skipped a beat at this thought. Maybe it was one of the paramedics that was your soulmate. Maybe he masked his identity because he was too busy with his job. You tried not to get your hopes up, but you knew you had met your soulmate in the last few hours. You blinked a few more times, trying to decipher what pain was yours and what was your soulmate’s, but it wasn’t working. You just grew more tired.

Before you could really acclimate to your surroundings, the door to your room busted open. Your heart raced as the memories of the four men you saw rushed back to your brain. What if it was the man who had hurt you? What if he was coming back to erase any witnesses? You shut your eyes as if that would convince the man not to hurt you again.

You flinched as a hand gently rested on your left forearm. “Hey, hey,” a soft voice cooed next to you. You recognized Harrison, the man who had been there when you fell. Your heart skipped a beat. Maybe this kind man was your soulmate. He had gone out of his way to save you and maybe he didn’t want to meet you because he was dealing with that man who had hurt you. “You can open your eyes, y/n. We won’t hurt you.”

As soon as Harrison said ‘we’, you felt your heart drop. You slowly opened your eyes and saw the brown-eyed man with his cold and calculating eyes. You remembered him being referred to as Tom, but that didn’t make him any less scary to you. You looked back at Harrison, who sat to your left. He had a soft smile on his face and he looked much nicer than the other boy in the room with you.

“We’re so sorry that this happened to you,” Harrison murmured. He looked at you with his blue eyes. They looked sad, but just as calculating as Tom’s. “But we need you to do something for us.”

“Excuse me,” You rasped. Your voice was much more accusatory than you meant, but how dare they ask for your help after what you had already been through? You didn’t even know how you could be of use to the two men in front of you. “No.”

“Jesus Christ,” Tom snapped. He rubbed his tired face, roughly. Suddenly, you felt your anger grow in the pit of your stomach. You looked at Tom for a little while longer. Your soul was screaming for you to move, but you stayed put in your bed. Your heart dropped further in your bones at the thought of this rough and cold man in front of you being your soulmate.

Harrison looked between the two of you for a brief second as if telling his friend to calm down. “Look, we’ll pay for any bills you have until you can go back to work. Whether that’s rent, utilities, or anything, but you have to swear to us that you won’t tell any cops what happened, okay?”

The anger in your stomach was growing. You couldn’t believe the audacity of the two men in front of you. “And what if I do?”

“Then we’ll fucking finish the job that O’Malley started,” Tom snapped. “It’s up to you, princess,” he mocked.

The heat of the anger that belonged to your soulmate shot through your insides. It mingled with the anger that belonged to you and your body. Your cheeks flushed at the thought of this man bringing you so much anger and affecting your emotions more than you realized. You were furious that the universe cursed you with this man in front of you that obviously didn’t give a fuck about you. You shook your head and stared as deep into the brown eyes in front of you as you could. You hoped he would read the anger and poison in your head as you opened your mouth. “Fucking do it then,” you hissed. “I’d rather die today than feel you for the rest of my life.”

Tom’s eyes widened and he visibly flinched. You knew that he was just as much in denial about you being his soulmate as you were, but you saying it out loud only confirmed his fear. You felt an ache in your chest that you quickly identified as hurt. Your words had hurt Tom, but you didn’t care. Not after the way he had been treating you. He took a step closer to you and in what felt like a second, he was right at your bedside. Before you could process what he was doing, he grabbed your right shoulder, right where the stitches ended. His grip wasn’t rough, but it wasn’t exactly gentle. You hid the pain from him, not wanting to give him any satisfaction. As Harrison let out a word of protest, Tom gave your stitches a squeeze, causing you to yelp in pain. At the same time, Tom’s hand dropped from your shoulder and immediately went to his right one. He took three steps back as if you had burned him. “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” he yelled as he turned away from you. You felt fear, anger, and hope all swirling in your blood. You couldn’t tell who’s feelings belonged to who, but it was overwhelming to say the least.

You shook your head as tears burned at the back of your eyes. All the years that you had envisioned what it would be like to meet your soulmate all to lead to this. Your hands were shaking as you wiped a stray tear away. You had always wanted to meet the person you would spend the rest of your life with, but the universe played this sick twisted joke on you and gave you Tom Holland, London’s most notorious gangster. “Fuck you,” you spat. “Get the fuck out of my room before I call the nurse.”

Harrison looked between the two of you as he stood up and walked over to Tom. “Come on,” he murmured. “Let me handle it.”

Tom whipped around and glared at Harrison. His brown eyes were wide with fury. You could feel his anger burning at the skin on your cheeks. It was becoming so overwhelming to feel his anger, but most importantly, his sadness. “You don’t understand what this means, Harrison,” he snapped. “I can’t deal with this. Not right now.”

Before either you or Harrison could respond, Tom turned on his heel and stormed out of your room. The door slammed behind him with such force that the air left your lungs. You looked down at the bed, trying to catch your breath, knowing that Tom was causing these feelings. You covered your face with your good hand and took a deep calming breath.

“I’m sorry, y/n. I promise he isn’t always like this,” Harrison spoke.

You shook your head, not wanting to believe any of this was happening. In all of the dreams you’d shared with Tom, he was never this angry or violent. However, in the dreams, Tom never shared much, anyway. When the two of you were together in your dream world, you were both quiet and got along just fine. On the days that he would actually talk with you, the both of you would spend as long as possible together, but on the days that he didn’t speak to you, you never stuck around. “You know,” you rasped, quietly. “I always adored the idea of having a soulmate to cherish me and love me through all of my fucked up days, but so far my soulmate has only hurt me more than I ever could.”

Tom fought the urge to punch the wall, knowing that his soulmate was already in enough pain. He shook his head, trying to get ahold of his temper, but nothing was working to calm him down. How could he have such fucked up luck that the first time he’d meet his soulmate was when he was blackmailing her? Better yet, how was his luck so messed up that the first time he saw his soulmate was when one of the members of the rival mob was slashing her chest open.

Tom flew down the stairs of the hospital and walked straight out of the building, not caring about who was seeing him. He couldn’t understand the way life worked for him. He could feel your sadness and your hurt, but his anger was drowning him more than anything else. He couldn’t stop the fire that was licking up his throat and begging to be let out. Tom climbed into his matte black Corvette and slammed the door shut. He slammed his fists on the steering wheel and yelled as loud as he could. He screamed until his throat was dry and his voice was hoarse. How was life so twisted that he was stuck with one of the most beautiful girls he had ever seen, but a life so fucked up that he couldn’t let her in?

When Tom’s throat was burning, he stopped yelling. He didn’t realize that tears had been streaming down his face and that guilt, sadness, and agony where swallowing him up. He dropped his face in his hands as a loud sob erupted from his sternum. He knew his grief was mingling with your sadness, but it felt like he was drowning in a wave of tragedy. Here he was, grieving the loss of his father and he was lucky enough to meet his soulmate after she was forced into a traumatic experience and wanted nothing to do with him. All the years of dream manipulation training and Tom’s father had never taught him how to hide his emotions from his soulmate. Pathetic. Tom was pathetic and he knew it. He shook his head as the tears were slipping off his jaw and onto his shirt. “Fuck me.” He put the car in drive and drove home, trying to collect his thoughts the whole way.

“I won’t say anything to the cops,” you rasped. “I’ll tell them it was too traumatic to remember anything. That happens sometimes, y’know.”

Harrison looked at your watery eyes and the tremble in your bottom lip. You were focused on the blankets that covered your legs, but he could see the pain in your face. Harrison never thought that Tom would meet his soulmate, but he know that if Tom ever did, he’d royally fuck it up for himself. Harrison knew that Tom was never good with social interaction that didn’t involve violence or business, but that didn’t stop him from wanting the best for his best friend. “How do you know about trauma and memories?”

Harrison watched your shoulders slowly lift and drop. You winced at the movement and sighed. “I have a bachelors in Psychology. I intern at the psychiatric ward here.” Your eyes widened at the thought of your best friend working in the emergency room. “Fuck, do you know the nurses who worked on me?”

Harrison shook his head with a confused look on his face. “No. Why? Is everything okay?”

You sighed and looked for your phone. Harrison caught on and grabbed it from the nightstand just out of your reach. He handed it to you with a smile. You opened it and sent a quick text to Jazmin, letting her know you were awake and safe. You shut your phone off, not having any energy to talk with anyone for a while. You felt your fists ache as your throat became so dry that swallowing became painful. You shut your eyes, knowing that Tom was the cause of this pain. He was grieving, you could tell. Grief wasn’t a new emotion for you, but the sensation of feeling someone else was still strange. “What happened to Tom? Why is he grieving?”

Harrison looked down at the ground. He didn’t want to overshare, but the look on your face told him that you were drowning in Tom’s feelings. He struggled between loyalty to his best friend and leader and the hurt girl on the bed in front of him. “It’s not my place to talk about, but his dad died today. Right before he met you.”

You nodded, very slowly. This grief was strong and never-ending. You couldn’t stand the thought of seeing this man again, but you also didn’t want to let him suffer alone. “You should go help him. I’ll be fine and I won’t say anything to the cops.”

Harrison watched your face, trying to make sense of this situation. Harrison had to admit that it was royally fucked up. Tom’s soulmate was laid up in the hospital and at this moment, only him and Tom knew. You would be safe for now, but what happens when someone else found out and used you against Tom? Harrison took a deep breath and nodded. “Okay,” he murmured. He stood up and looked down at you. “I’ll be in touch.”

“Don’t bother,” you muttered.

Harrison tried to ignore the sadness in your voice as he walked out of your room and towards the exit of the hospital. Life was fucked up for the family. It always had been.

Once Harrison left the hospital room, you were completely alone. You were fine with that, however. The emptiness of the room gave you more opportunity to focus on who’s feelings belonged to who. The longer you sat there feeling empty and sad, the more you realized it was you, not Tom. You sighed and rested your head against the bed. You grabbed the TV remote next to you and turned it on. After a few seconds of watching TV, you felt your throat burn stronger than it had before. You coughed a few times, slowly becoming acquainted with the taste of cigarettes. You groaned. Of course Tom smoked. Not long after that, your face flushed and your throat burned stronger. Whiskey, you recognized, was now making its presence known on your tastebuds. Perfect.

Everything you’d hoped for in a soulmate was the complete opposite of Tom. You had hoped for a man who would sweep you off your feet. A man who would tell you how much you were worth to him, even on days that you bothered the living hell out of him. You hoped for a man that would wipe your tears away and hold you on the days that your sadness grew too heavy to hold. You hoped for a friend, a lover, and a soulmate. Instead, you got a cold, careless, and emotionless man who was less than enthused to have you as his soulmate for the rest of your life.

You eventually grew tired of the burning in your throat and paged a nurse. Once the nurse walked away, promising two large cups of water, you focused back on the TV. You would forget about Tom. You had to because there was no other solution to the pain you were feeling and the disappointment that was crushing your heart

part three

#tom holland #tom holland fic #tom holland fanfic #tom holland au #mob!tom #mob!tom holland #soulmate fanfiction #soulmate fanfic #tom holland fan fiction #tom holland fanfiction #soulmate au #soulmate!tom #soulmate!tom holland #au #au fanfiction #writing #writer #time of dreaming

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itsnothingofinterest · 3 years

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Hey, wanna here a frustrating idea for something that might happen I thought of? Too bad. You know how some villain fans are thinking Shigaraki and the core League are gonna help beat AFO and then their assistance is gonna be used to get their crimes pardoned or whatever? Well, consider if you will, if AFO tried to do that himself in reverse.

Not that he’d actually defeat Shigaraki first of course, because we know that’s not happening and also it’d be too much work for someone so selfish anyway. But if Shigaraki proved too rebellious & powerful, he could very well try to appeal to authority for an alliance to take him down. And you might say “But that’d never work; the heroes know AFO’s evil and also full of it, they’d never trust him.” And if so, well I’d like to remind you of something.

The heroes have their own higher ups, government officials and politicians. Ones already shown to have questionable morals with their deployment of child soldiers amoung other things. And ones likely to, if they were to pick the lesser of two evils, may decide that’s the guy who’s exploited the underclass for decades & decades as an underground crime lord over the guy looking to destroy the very power structures they have a vested interest in maintaining. Especially if AFO is able to manipulate them & pin as much as possible on Shigaraki, which with the present circumstances and some clever lies, he may easily be able to do.

AFO: Why, I assure you I had nothing to do with the carnage my pupil has caused. As you all know, I was already imprisoned by the time he and his terrorist group (which he also formed without me) started launching large scale attacks on cities like Fukuoka and Jaku, and of course I was nothing but a happy benefactor to the destruction of Tartarus. I’ll admit I’m no saint, but records should show I’ve only ever gone after personal vendettas with small groups of paid crooks. I’d surely never seek to sow this much chaos or abide by the destruction of the country I’ve lived so comfortably in.

All Might (who is also there now): Don’t listen to him! He’s a monster, the Devil! He’s the one behind of all this, he can’t be trusted.

AFO: Truely I only want to amass wealth and power, through capitalism and business. Surely you gentlemen can understand my point of view, and see that I want to restore stability as much as you.

All Might, looking between AFO and the higher ups: ...Noooooo...

The Higher ups: We have decided to accept your proposal, All For One. In exchange for your support in quelling this villainous anarchy and stopping Shigaraki Tomura, we will pardon your crimes committed thus far and allow you to live a normal life.

All Might: Shit! Fuck! This is the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen! This is the worst day of my life!

AFO: Looking forward to working with you.

It raises my blood pressure just to imagine, but circumstances are just right where I think it’s actually in the realm of possibility. Not exactly probability (I mean for one, you just know he had his signature grin for that entire exchange), but if it does happen then I called it.

#bnha #all for one #shigaraki tomura #all might #hero society #my stupid long term predictions #this might be my craziest theory yet #but you must understand that if I make enough crazy theories then some might turn out right

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mrs-tsunderemeitantei · 3 years

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According to your theory on Bourbon and Haibara, I find it weird that Bourbon doesn't know anything about the past of Ai when she was in BO, don't forget that he was in BO long time ago, while Sherry at that time is still a kid and in USA for study at least. It is strange to me if he didn't investigate about her thoroughly at that time while on his mission. However, when they meet sooner or later, she will despise him even more when she discover that he is from PSB, and had intention to use her.

Heyy! Tbh, I don't think he was in the organisation any longer than she has. If we ignore the fact the she was born into the syndicate, I’d say they technically joined around the same time. He probably joined 5 years ago around the same time when Akai also joined. At the time, Shiho was 13 when she started working on the research and became Sherry.

As for him not investigating her thoroughly, I believe he just didn’t have enough outlets to help him investigate her. Yes he knows she is Elena’s daughter and that’s not surprising. The BO has a database of all its members listing all their information. When Haibara first met Conan and they went to retrieve the disk that got mixed up in Akemi's holiday pictures, Conan got excited when Haibara told him the disk did not just have the drug's data, but also sensitive information about some BO members.

Another instant is when Gin told Pisco he can look up Shiho's data on the organisation's computer when they suspected she was going to Haido City Hotel. So I'm pretty sure Bourbon would have easily accessed the same database for his mission to capture her as per the organisation's demands.

By that logic, he’d have looked her up in the database to know what she looked like, her family, where she lived, etc. Butttt I don’t think he knew any more than that. Why? Well, I have a bunch of reasons why I think so, and it might get confusing but please bear with me 😂:

1. While in the organisation and after her escape, Shiho herself did not know anything about her family except for what she was told by the organisation, so how would Bourbon know anymore than her? It wasn't until she visited her father's childhood house and got the tapes that Akemi left for her when she learnt the truth about her family's past.

2. There aren’t a lot of people for him to provide him with information about Shiho (except maybe Gin and Vermouth). By nature, Shiho is reserved and was more of a loner (her sister was the only person she was close to). She barely interacted with anyone outside her department and when it comes to her lab-mates, I highly doubt they knew the pressures her parents endured before joining the syndicate.

3. When it comes to Gin and Shiho, we don’t know yet the extent of their relationship. And let’s assume they were romantically involved. I don’t think he’d know about her family’s past because she herself was oblivious to her parents’ past and Gin is not that good at remembering people who died anyway. And regardless, Gin and Bourbon don’t like each other. Gin even said he neither keeps tabs on Bourbon, nor does he like to share information with him. Also, since Shiho kept to herself in the organisation, it’s unlikely other members (including Bourbon) knew of her possible relationship with Gin.

4. As for Vermouth, she seems to know the most about Shiho because of her mysterious link to the research and blatant hatred for Shiho and her parents. Now, there are two possible scenarios:

Vermouth knew the Miyanos' history before joining. She may have been kept in the loop to help with pressuring them so they could join. I'm basing this on her history with emotionally manipulating and tormenting people into doing things for the organisation (Itakura Saguru and the murderer who killed Fukuura Senzou in the off-season halloween party case are prime examples).

Eventually she clashed with them when they joined the organisation just like she clashed with Itakura Saguru later on.

The second (less likely situatuon imo), is she was unaware the organisation bullied them. She probably thought they willingly joined when they shouldn’t have, and she hates them because of their research.

So, if Bourbon learnt from Vermouth that Shiho’s parents were forced to join the organisation, why was he still willing to hand Shiho back to the organisation? (I mean I don’t want to believe he’d stoop that low. Even if he had a plan to get her out later, I don’t think he’d risk exposing himself after handing her knowing she’ll only be killed or forced to complete the drug). And if the second scenario was true, it would explain why why he wanted to return Shiho to the organisation. But I don't think she told Bourbon anything and I'll explain why in a bit.

Based on all that, my theory is this: Vermouth played a part in getting Shiho’s parents to join the organisation. Later on, things didn’t go according to plan with the research so she began feeling animosity towards them. She never shared any of that with Bourbon because she didn’t want to risk him finding out about the drug’s de-ageing effects (he definitely doesn’t know otherwise he would have figured out Conan and Haibara's identities). And because he doesn't know the truth about her parents, he didn’t feel guilty about handing Shiho back to the organisation.

5. Finally, when we look at Haibara talking about the White Dove pharmaceuticals, she suddenly became so knowledgeable about her parents' history when initially she knew nothing. She revealed all this information AFTER she got the tapes. That’s why I’m convinced it was Elena’s tapes that got her to know everything. Haibara probably also lied when she said it was her sister who told her. It is less likely for that to be the case because Akemi wouldn’t have been born to know what happened 30 or 25 years ago. And even if Elena spoke a little to Akemi about what happened, Akemi would have still been too young to understand. The only thing Akemi knew was the drug her parents were making was supposed to be a Silver Bullet of Justice.

So in conclusion, I feel the strongest pieces of evidence to prove Shiho and her parents were forced into that life would be the tapes and Vermouth. Rei never had access to the tapes nor does he know they exist. I’m guessing if he gets his hands on those tapes, they’d be a valuable lead that can help him link Vermouth to the Miyanos and somehow confirm everything.

I know this was reallly long and probably exhausting to read but I hope it made sense.

And yes, she will definitely despise Rei and she has every right to. Not just because he is PSB who planned on using her as a pawn, but because of his relationship to her mother. I have a gut feeling Elena even mentioned him in her tapes (it is very likely since she too loved Rei) and once Shiho realises the boy from the tapes and Rei are the same person, it will leave her feeling gutted.

Again these are all just my theories and I could be very wrong but I can’t wait for everything to be revealed 🙌🏻

#dcmk #case closed #detective conan #ai haibara #haibara ai #miyano shiho #shiho miyano #amuro tooru #bourbon #furuya rei #rei furuya #gin #vermouth #elena miyano #miyano elena #akemi miyano #sherry #aptx-4869

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cybernaght · 3 years

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We have dubbed it at home as “the trauma drama”

Here’s my review of sorts of To Dear Myself/亲爱的自己

This one is a 2020 contemporary slice of life series about thirty-somethings living in Shanghai: struggling with money, trying to negotiate with their families, getting betrayed by their friends, getting their hearts broken by their lovers, failing in their professional ventures, encountering day to day hardships as they try to find themselves in the big city. It’s low-key anxiety inducing and not at all escapist, and I somehow got drawn into it still. Watching it was at times was a bit like pulling teeth: there is only so much pain you can take, only so many little drawbacks and injustices, only so many long shots of people breaking apart before you need to have a breather.

The story centres around three women. The protagonist, Li Siyu (Liu Shishi) is a career woman, daily taking high risks hoping for high rewards. She is also balancing her high intensity life with a relationship with her down on his luck boyfriend, who is wonderful in many ways but fails to understand how being self-sufficient is part of her identity, taking it as a personal affront. Watching their relationship was a little bit like watching a train speeding towards a cliff in slow motion. The most beautiful thing about it was that you can see both of their perspectives: in his eyes, she is impulsive, reckless, and needs to be stopped for her own good; in her eyes, he is envying her success and wants her to be a housewife. Both of them are wrong. Both of them are right.

Li Siyu’s half-sister Gu Xiaoling (Cheng Miqi) just wants to find a wealthy Mr Right to look after her, as she is constantly hiding her mischievous, vulnerable self behind a mask of superficiality. She sees her own beauty as her only asset. She likes pretty things, but she is also incredibly lonely. Her partner on screen is a man with a massive crush on her, whom she does absolutely not want to date: partly because he is not rich; partly because his sense of entitlement to a relationship with her is grating as all hell.

Their cousin Zhang Zhizhi (Hang Qingzi) is a married woman, working, raising a daughter, desperately trying to elevate her social status in the eyes of others, all while trying to breach the gaping void stretching between herself and her terrible husband. None of the men in this show are particularly endearing, but between claiming that he is his wife’s career and blaming her for his unfaithfulness and violence, he has to do a lot of work to deserve the viewer’s grace.

It’s just like this - the story of three women, and their romantic interests, living their lives. Nothing more, but also, nothing less. The script is written by a woman as well - and it shows. Admittedly, my cdrama watching experience so far mostly consisted of BL series and loud, dumb, action-y type things, but this is the first time I have seen a text which could be said to have an explicitly feminist reading. It tells you in no uncertain terms that no, you don’t need to get married, and no, you don’t need to have another child, and yes, you can actually just settle on living your own goddamn life.

To Dear Myself is well plotted for most of its 45 episode run, with a sense of push and pull between all the various little storylines. Ups and down of every characters’ lives are woven together in a way which resembles a dance, it’s harmonious and satisfying, and the pace of the show sits between leisurely and achingly tense. Unfortunately, in the last ten episodes the rhythm of the show falters somewhat: the plotting becomes contrived, and the narrative steamrolls ungracefully to a barely satisfying conclusion. It’s truly bizarre, how something that has been so soft and so meticulous for so long gracelessly falls on its back in the last couple of episodes.

Some of it has to do with the antagonist, such as there is. She is not a villain, but she is the originator of a lot of the misfortunes for the majority of the characters. You wait, and you wait, and you wait for her crimes to come out and for her to get her just deserts, but her last actual scene is the one of comfort. We are told in the narration that something bad happens to this person, we are neither witnessing it, nor the aftermath of it.

On one hand this tracks with the fact that this is a feminist text: said antagonist is just a woman whose agenda clashes with the characters we care about. On the other hand, she has been set-up to be a manipulative, cunning person for the entirety of this show. The audience has been told not to trust her in the way she is framed; the audience has been told that she is trouble in no uncertain terms. I don’t quite understand why the show would frame someone as a villain and then refuse to give them a resolution the villain would get. That’s just not satisfying.

As for Zhu Yilong - this is probably my favourite role of his so far.

After a pretty terrible year I have found myself connecting with his character, who spent the first half of the show show unemployed, lonely, and scraping to find some kind of dignity as he suffocates in the city which is sucking him dry. Watching his journey was a little bit frustrating - especially in the second half - because apparently one dysfunctional relationship was not enough for this man, but it was still exhilarating. Besides, after seeing this actor in a whole bunch of roles where his characters would do their absolute best to hide their hearts and use a selection of masks to keep people at arms length, it’s delightful to see his Chen Yiming wear his heart on his sleeve. It’s wonderful to witness him insecure, scared, giddy with joy, butterflies-in-the-stomach in love, achingly tender, utterly devastated. He is still a brilliant actor, and, once again, the camera does love him quite a lot.

The visual aspect of the show is great: it’s high budget and incredibly pretty. The costuming and makeup are wonderful. I have never been to Shanghai, but it’s framed so lovingly I want to go now.

So, is this one worth watching? I… honestly can’t tell. It is for the cast - and I’m not just talking about Zhu Yilong, all of the cast have done a tremendous job here, very impressive acting all around. It’s worth for genuinely well written story of self-discovery as a thirty-something struggling with a mass of pressures. But, not going to lie, it’s not an easy watch, and the final couple of episodes left me kind of feeling dead inside.

P.S. The narratively significant product placements were cracking me up lots. There were.. a lot of important thermoses is what I’m saying. Also, the amount of alcohol the cast consumed on set was quite alarming.

#to dear myself #亲爱的自己 #Zhu Yilong #review of sorts

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gehayi · 3 years

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It's possible that Tom Riddle seduced Merope Gaunt & later on she lied to get him to marry her or more likely she had symptoms of a false pregnancy & believed she was pregnant which led her to tell him she's with child. Given the social pressures of the time he left with her & the 2 likely eloped with Merope becoming pregnant later on but when Tom learned of this it lead him to abandon her anyways. What is your view on what really happened between Merope Gaunt & Tom Riddle Senior?

It’s possible, sure, that Merope could have lied about being pregnant or could have read the symptoms of false pregnancy wrong . But...well, I’ve been to school with rich privileged kids, and I find it more believable that Tom Sr. found the silent adoration of the ugly daughter of the local hermit amusing enough to exploit.

I could see him having a bet with his friends about how far he could push this and for how long. I could even see one of his friends dressing up like a minister and Tom going through a mockery of a marriage both to reassure her and to make fun of her. She thinks that it’s strange, of course, but what does she know about how Muggles do things? And meanwhile, Tom Sr. is looking oh-so-serious and he wants this and he wants her and for once in her life, it seems like she has what matters.

Meanwhile, Tom’s friends are stifling their laughter and trying not to meet each other’s eyes for fear that they’ll lose it.

After the fake marriage--who knows how long?--Tom convinces Merope to come with him to London--in April 1926 at the latest. He drives them there, or they take a train. Either way, he arranges the transportation and pays for a hotel room. Maybe he tells her that this is going to be their honeymoon. Maybe he says that they’re going to set up their own house in London. It doesn’t matter to him, as long as the lie works.

Merope isn’t familiar with Muggle cities, Muggle tech of the 1920s, or Muggle money. (She may not even be fully literate; we know that she never went to school and that her father taught her and her brother nothing.) London is an incomprehensible maze to her. And the hotel room is clean and warm and has soft carpets and pictures on the wall. There’s a box that produces music and stories and news. Lights come on with the touch of a button. And she doesn’t have to cook or clean anything. It’s luxury that she’s never dreamt of.

To quote the very wise Ursula Vernon, “Relief feels like happiness, if you don’t know the difference.”

Tom is pleased that she’s so easily satisfied; he doesn’t have to explain to anyone he knows why he’s with this ugly woman. He pays for clothes for her, but he doesn’t take her anywhere. When he’s bored with Merope, he tells her that he has to go out and then parties with his friends. She doesn’t question him. She doesn’t even consider doing so.

In May 1926, there’s a general strike.

Roads all across Britain become impassible. Buses have to barricade their windows. The strikers derail the train the Flying Scotsman in Northumberland. The government declares martial law. It even sends a warship to Newcastle. The world has turned upside down.

Merope hears about all this on the radio; it’s her main form of entertainment. She starts peppering him with questions. Why is the strike happening? Why is everyone so angry?

Tom is shaking and tense and can scarcely think coherently. How can these creatures, these underlings, rebel against the orderly system he’s been part of since birth? And how can this--this daughter of a mere tramp question him?

He yells at her to shut up. He apologizes afterward, and Merope accepts his apology. But the bloom is off the rose now. She knows now that he can be pointlessly cruel, just like her father and brother.

She tries very hard not to know this.

The general strike ends after nine days. Martial law, however, drags on and on. So do transportation problems. And 1.7 million strikers are now out of work. This is not the bright, fun city Tom wanted to visit.

June arrives. By now Merope’s adoration isn’t as intriguing to Tom, and her pregnancy is starting to show as well. Like many men and boys of privileged backgrounds, Tom thinks of pregnancy as something that only happens if the woman wills it. He is sickened and outraged that Merope has gotten pregnant--to trap him, he’s sure--and he chews her out for this.

Merope, though, was painfully isolated while growing up. She knew only her father and brother. Her father warned her repeatedly not to let a Muggle touch her...but he didn’t provide any clarifying details. She had no mother, no sisters, no female friends. She had no education to speak of. Porn was not conveniently available. And she could not read.

So, faced with Tom’s rage, Merope is at sea, for nothing he says is making sense. She doesn’t know how menstruation, conception and pregnancy work. The world hasn’t bothered to tell her.

Also...partying would have eaten into Tom’s money anyway, but the general strike and its disruption of transportation has made goods like food much more expensive. Though Tom doesn’t want to admit it, his funds are running frighteningly low. He needs the good will of his parents to acquire more cash, and quickly He also needs to square matters with the rich, upper-class, utterly suitable young woman he’s actually going to marry while assuring her that the Merope situation is no fault of his.

Arguments begin breaking out daily, then hourly. Tom starts them, taunting Merope’s wall-eyes and ignorance. She despairs when she hears this--after all, mockery and derision are all she’d ever heard from her father and brother. She loves Tom desperately, but he doesn’t love her.

She doesn’t yell, because she’s been trained since childhood not to. Instead, she begs him frantically, frenziedly not to leave her, because he's the one who knows how to handle this incomprehensible city. But her panic repels Tom, who sees it as clingy manipulation. It’s only London, after all. There’s nothing to fear.

So one day he returns home--without telling Merope. She's escorted out of the hotel room shortly after that. He didn’t stiff her with the bill, but not out of kindness. He simply doesn’t want anything, even a bill, tying him to her.

Merope is now alone and adrift in London. No money. No marketable skills. No transportation beyond her own feet--she has no way of paying for buses or cabs, and she may not even know the Underground exists. And no home. It’s August, maybe September of 1926. A rainy August, a mild September. She’s five or six months along. And winter is coming.

It comes in October, with freezing cold for most of the month and a snowstorm on the 28th.

She’s been living rough for a month or two. The clothes she’d worn earlier that year aren’t warm enough for October, and the cold has begun to gnaw at her bones. She's starving, too, and by now she knows that countless Muggles, all more qualified for any job than she is, are also out of work, thanks to May’s general strike.

She doesn’t ask anyone else for help. She should, but Tom was the only Muggle she ever really knew--and he betrayed her. She can’t bring herself to trust another.

And oh, she doesn’t dare go home. Even if she knew where it was and how to get there, her father would beat her to death for polluting the pure line of Gaunt with a Muggle’s get. And her brother Morfin would join in. Happily.

She begs--for food, mostly, though sometimes people give her money. Sometimes, too, they give her advice--to go to a church or a shelter or some government office. Merope nods and smiles and ignores the advice. She’s not going to trust the Muggle government after this past May, and she won’t shelter with dozens of Muggles. That would be suicide.

November 1926 is one of the wettest on record in the UK. Merope falls ill halfway through the month. She’s starting to have trouble breathing, and she’s tired and achy all the time.

December is filled with bitter, Arctic chill.

Merope has little strength left. She’s not getting enough air, somehow, and she’s constantly shaking with heat or cold, she doesn’t know which. Her vision is blurry, and even when she can obtain food, it’s hard to keep it down.

You’re dying, a voice says deep inside, and she knows the voice is right.

One day, she spots a building with lots of people caring for babies and children. She asks meekly, and someone--whoever tossed her a sixpence? another beggar?--tells her it’s an orphanage. Merope doesn’t know what that is, but she knows her baby would be better off inside the building than outside it.

December 31, 1926 is a mild, sunny day. Merope thinks of it as a good omen...until the pains start.

Merope doesn’t know anything about childbirth; she simply feels as if she’s being ripped apart from the inside out. She screams, not even caring if the Muggles hear.

Somehow, somehow, she manages to limp and crawl to the orphanage. She knocks on the door, which is the bravest thing she’s ever done. But her baby can’t survive a winter on the street. Maybe the Muggles will take care of him if they don’t know his mother was a witch.

She doesn’t even notice that she’s thinking of herself in the past tense.

A woman named Mrs. Cole answers the door and bustles her into a spare bedroom. It’s still unbearably cold, so cold that Merope thinks that her bones will shatter from shaking so hard, but there’s light and color and oh, it reminds her of the hotel room before everything went wrong. And Mrs. Cole is speaking to her in a kind, soothing tone and letting Merope grip her arms when the pains are bad. For the first time since Tom, Merope feels valued. Safe.

Her son is born at a minute to midnight, a scrawny scrap of humanity. Small wonder. Merope’s had little enough to eat for months. He has good strong lungs, though, which pleases her in a dim way. The world seems to be fading away, but that’s all right. She just wants to sleep.

She hears Mrs. Cole asking her something. Not her name--she told Mrs. Cole that before. Oh! The baby’s name.

There’s only one name she could give him--the one Muggle name that means anything to her.

“Tom,” she murmurs. “Tom...Riddle...Jun--”

And a soothing darkness claims her.

#mrardin85 #ficlet #merope gaunt #merope/tom sr #harry potter #complete disaster

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butterflyinthewell · 3 years

Text

Adult fandom antis scare me.

You know how the most violently homophobic people end up being gay themselves?

That’s why I’m immediately suspicious of any 20+ adult fandom anti who uses the same rhetoric as 15 year olds and presents themselves as a “safe adult”.

There’s no way they’re safe, they’re using the rhetoric to deflect suspicion off themselves and they’re probably saying and doing really gross shit to kids in private.

❌❌❌❌

— TW CSA MENTION —

Just imagine how they could find the kid that’s the most on the fringes, make them feel special, reel them in more, get them to share nudes, and then threaten to take away all that friendship and turn everyone against them if they tell anyone what happened. Imagine how scared that kid will feel when they see this monster, feel disgusting and deflect all that terror and guilt into telling people to stop being alive over Loli artwork.

——

Predators are slick like that. They’ll hide in plain sight if it means accessing their chosen prey.

That’s why people need to educate minors about what grooming can really look like, cuz I promise it’s not icky artwork just existing on a server somewhere.

Being groomed is never the child’s fault, blame always lies on the predator. Always.

I looked up info about online grooming warning signs and here’s what I found. This may be triggering for survivors.

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The Steps of Grooming

Any person of any age, gender, sexual identity or ethnicity can groom someone for the purpose of abuse. That person may be someone you know or someone you don’t know. Children and teens are not the only victims of grooming, but this guide focuses on young people.

Grooming was first recognized in abuse cases where the abuser knew their victim in person, like Ariana Kukors, a US Olympic swimmer who was abused by her coach. Kukors has spoken publicly about the role grooming played in her story, and how the manipulation kept her under the control of her abusive coach for years. In addition to in person grooming, online grooming has become equally dangerous, prevalent and damaging. More and more of our lives are lived online, which is why we need to think more and more about our safety online.

1. Targeting a victim

Unfortunately, any young person is at risk of online grooming. Abusers typically look for someone who is more vulnerable or in a vulnerable situation, like someone living in foster care or someone with a disability. Online, abusive people look for teens who are lonely or expressing sexual curiosity. Sometimes online abusers pretend to be teenagers themselves, but more often they are adults trying to play the role of an older boyfriend or a mentor who can “teach” the victim about love or sex.

2. Gaining access

Sexual abuse is most often committed by someone that you already know, and this is because the abuser usually needs to be in your circle of acquaintances to get access to you. They want to be nearby and to have opportunities to be alone.

This is often not the case with online abuse, because the internet provides that access. Instead of being in the same city or neighborhood, abusers can meet potential victims on social media, in games, chatrooms, or anywhere that users correspond. Online platforms also allow anonymity, which works in the abuser’s favor. It can be difficult to determine who a person is and their intentions.

3. Building trust

A key part of grooming for sexual abuse is building trust with the victim. In person or online, abusers try to fill a need. You may be lonely, feel unpopular, isolated or bored, and the abuser will pretend to become a friend you can confide in and who can listen. They may act sympathetic, always take your side, and portray themselves as the only person who understands your problems. Their goal is to become your main emotional support. They may also try to make you feel special by treating you like an adult and commenting on your maturity. They may quickly look for a favor they can do for you to make you feel indebted and more likely to do something for them return. This stage is particularly damaging because it closely mimics a positive relationship.

4. Isolation and risk assessment

When an abuser thinks they have established trust, they test that bond. They may try to isolate you from family or friends, sometimes to the point of you becoming very emotionally or otherwise dependent on them. With online grooming, they may ask if your parents check your phone or if you are home alone. They may also start asking you to keep secrets, either about conversations or gifts they send. This is one way the abuser assesses whether they can move to the next step and you will stay silent.

5. Sexualization of the relationship

The final step occurs when the abuser believes they have built sufficient trust that you will do what they request and keep everything secret. They may commit sexual assault in or request sexual images or videos, often increasingly explicit in nature.

While in person and online grooming both follow these steps, abusers work at different rates. For example, Ariana Kukors swim coach began grooming her when she was 13 years old and the physical sexual abuse began when she was 15. Online abuse can occur faster, sometimes in even less than one hour.

🚩🚩🚩🚩

Red Flags and Warning Signs

It is not reasonable to say that you should avoid the internet if you don’t want to be abused. The responsibility and blame always lies with an abuser, not someone they victimize who is simply engaging in modern life online. We believe it is possible for you to still have fun online, meet new friends, and stay safe. The key is awareness. It may be difficult to identify a step in the grooming process in real time, but there are red flags and warning signs that you can recognize, especially if they start to accumulate. They can help you protect yourself when sexual requests slide into your DMs.

Flattery

It can feel nice to be noticed. Lots of likes and comments on your social media can feel good, but excessive compliments from a stranger can be a warning sign, particularly sexualized comments about your appearance. Flattery is one way online abusers gain access to their victims and begin building a relationship. “Wow, you should be a model,” may seem harmless, but it often isn’t. You have the power. Just because someone gives you a compliment does not mean you have to continue the conversation.

Gifts

Online groomers might send video game currency, cash, electronic devices, or other gifts to you to ingratiate themselves. This is a clear red flag. There is no reason why an adult should be sending gifts to a minor they met online, nor is it typical teen behavior to send gifts if the abuser is posing as a younger person. In actuality, gifts are one way abusers assess risk. They may ask you to not tell your parents about the gift to test how much you trust them and if you will stay silent after sexual abuse.

Asking for personal information

It is safest to avoid sharing personal and identifying information about yourself online or with those you don’t know. If you are playing video games, chatting, or sharing photos for fun, there is no need for personal questions about where you live or go to school. Do your parents read your messages? What is a secret no one knows about you? Abusers want to know as much as they can about their victims so they can better manipulate them.

Secret conversations

Secrets work in the abuser’s favor in two different ways. To build trust, they may confide in you by telling real or made up secrets to try to make you feel special. Abusers also use secrets to test that trust before escalating to sexual abuse. If someone asks you to keep a conversation secret, ask yourself why? Is the conversation inappropriate, or is it dangerous?

Sending sexually explicit photos

In the online dating world, it is almost assumed you will receive sexual photos whether you asked for them or not. Sexting is considered normal, but still has risks and consequences, particularly if you are under 18. Unfortunately, abusers rely on the normalization of sexting. They expect you to dismiss or think nothing of an explicit image, but in reality, abusers send explicit imagery to try and desensitize their victim to future abuse. It is a priming tactic. Keep in mind, that in many countries it is illegal for an adult to send an underage person pornographic material,nor is it lawful to send nude photos as a minor to another person. In any online exchange, it is not okay for anyone to send unsolicited explicit photos. This is poor etiquette and ultimately a nonconsensual act and red flag no matter what.

Requesting sexual photos

Online abusers sexualize the relationship by sending and requesting explicit photos and videos, explicit letters or phone calls, or asking detailed questions about your sexual history or experience. They may begin with a seemingly harmless request, like a photo of you fully clothed, before asking for increasingly sexual images. Others brazenly ask for explicit material straight away and even demand live webcam performances. Remember that after you send an image, you no longer have control over what a person does with that image. Ask yourself how well you know the receiver. Did you meet in person or online? Do you know their real identity and their intentions? How does the request make you feel? Many young people enjoy the attention that comes from the potential of a new relationship, but requests to send nudes can still feel like unwanted pressure.

Threats

After the abuser receives one or multiple sexual images, they may try to blackmail you into sending more images of increasing exploitative nature. They may send threats that they will release the images online or send them to your family or school. This is a kind of extortion, or rather sextortion, and is another form of sexual abuse. You do not need to respond or give in, despite how terrifying the threats may seem. An abuser does not want to put themselves at risk by exposing the relationship, so the threats may be a bluff. Seek immediate help.

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Next Steps

If you feel uncomfortable about an online conversation, the next thing you should do may be the hardest. Reach out for help and support. Telling a parent, guardian, teacher or someone else can be daunting because you can’t know for sure how they will react, but confiding in someone with some power who you can trust and who won’t blame you for the abuse is key to moving forward. Alternatively, you can call a helpline which allows you to remain anonymous and get accurate advice about your situation.

An online conversation with someone abusive can spiral out of control quickly. You may feel ashamed or embarrassed, but if there is anything you should take away from this guide, it is this: it is never your fault. The blame is not yours to bear.

—source: Scarleteen website.

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My advice: keep receipts. Take screenshots, save emails, save photos or videos if it’s safe/legal to do so (ie they’re not another minor sending sexually explicit stuff, saving that might be cited as CSEM possession), and document whatever you can. It will help you expose the person to either law enforcement or in a callout post if a callout is necessary.

#proshipper #antis #discourse #fandom discourse #grooming #red flags #grooming red flags #grooming warning signs #tw csa mention #swearing #long post

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hellsbellschime · 4 years

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I was wondering if you could do an analysis on Sansas and Daenerys interactions in 8x02?

Totes, because I think it’s an extremely interesting character interplay that needed more development and that was either actually rife with subtext and just written really poorly or it was just dumb. But while I wish there had been more development for literally everything in season 8, I think that the dynamic between Dany and Sansa needed far more room to breathe and grow given that their incredibly brief relationship is one of the main catalysts for the climax of the story.

Jaime’s whole “trial” scene is one that I really wish we had been able to see the lead up to, because while the drama of starting off the episode with it is certainly compelling, I’d honestly really like to know how everyone even got to that point in the first place. Like, Dany is furious that Cersei has betrayed her and lied to her about her intentions... except how exactly does that square up to someone who came to a truce with their enemy and then immediately arrests them and puts them on trial when they actually follow through on their end of the bargain?

However, looking beyond that there is not just Dany vs. Sansa, it’s kind of Dany vs. Team Stark. Dany lays out all of the reasons why Jaime deserves to be punished and Sansa actually completely agrees with her and says she completely understands how she feels, but then Brienne speaks in Jaime’s defense and Sansa immediately agrees that Jaime should stay. Now as viewers we understand what Sansa is doing here, but I think that Dany does not. I think that this may be a sort of crucial moment for what happens later, because someone who is unfamiliar with Sansa but sees that she is popular among the Northerners might come to the easiest conclusion, which is that Sansa is easily manipulated, weak willed, or likes to agree with people and thus everyone kind of likes her even though she’s the type of person who shouldn’t really be seen as important or authoritative.

But when Dany kind of ropes Jon into it I think it’s even more interesting, and once again could be an implication that she doesn’t understand people who put the interests of others before themselves. Because way back when Melisandre told Dany to invite Jon to Dragonstone, Tyrion tries to sell her on it by explaining that the Lannisters have treated the Starks even worse than they theoretically treated her, so they have even more reason to want to see their downfall. So I think she inquires about Jon’s thoughts expecting her to agree with him, because quite frankly it’s just not in her wheel house to put the needs of others before her own. But he winds up agreeing to let him stay, and she feels peer pressured into acquiescing when she really doesn’t want to. That really puts her on the back foot and makes her extremely uncomfortable because it’s something she never does, and it’s basically taking her whole fantasy of conquering Westeros and destroying her enemies and basically forces her to give it up for the sake of maintaining her own mystique.

So she’s super pissed and Jorah talks her down, and while once again the show cuts away from shit that we actually need to see, it’s fair to assume that he said something along the lines of Sansa is Regina George and you’re currently Janis Ian, so you need to go talk to her and charm her into liking you and the rest of the Northerners will fall in line. So, Dany follows his advice and tries to actually talk to Sansa and to get her to see her as the Enlightened Despot she imagines herself to be.

Frankly, the conversation between Sansa and Dany is extremely weird and vapid on the surface, but I think it makes sense within a certain context. Namely, that Sansa and Dany both have very clear preconceived notions about each other, however Sansa’s assumptions are generally correct while Dany’s assumptions are completely incorrect.

Obviously at this point, Sansa isn’t being fooled by charm, and Dany unfortunately reveals herself to Sansa in completely unintentional ways that she doesn’t realize are actually really hurting Sansa’s perception of her. Dany is here to conquer Westeros and force the North into submission, and maybe I’m overestimating Sansa’s political genius here, but what I find extremely interesting is that Dany asks Sansa why they’re at odds with each other but she doesn’t answer. She waits for Dany to answer, and Dany’s answer frankly gives Sansa an enormous political and manipulative advantage by letting her know that she assumes Sansa would not like an invader with dragons and an army the size of a city because she’s jealous that Dany has her brother’s attention.

And yes, of course, Sansa loves Jon and is likely extremely concerned, but I just cannot believe that Sansa is being genuine in this conversation. This is the woman who had to convince Jon to accept the inevitability of their baby brother dying because focusing on saving him was an existential threat to their family and the North. I cannot believe that she would have more issues with the potential safety and manipulation of her brother who was a king, Lord Commander, and survived with wildlings beyond the wall than she would over Rickon. Not to mention, the notion that at this very moment when the North is on the brink of destruction and everyone is facing down the apocalypse, but somehow Sansa is concerned about the person that Jon may or may not be smashing, is an incredibly condescending and childish assumption to make about her.

However, Dany does seem to make that assumption. Dany’s whole impression of Sansa seems to initially be that she’s just a catty and frivolous girl, and she seems to think that assuring Sansa that her super cute new crush is the one who really has her wrapped around his finger is enough to reassure her that everything’s fine and that that’s enough for Sansa to accept Dany as queen.

But then Sansa quickly flips the script and asks about Northern independence, which I honestly think was a mistake on her part. Dany initially saw Sansa just like Cersei and Joffrey and Tyrion and the Tyrells and every other person saw her, as just a superficial idiot who can be easily managed and bent to someone else’s will. I understand why Sansa would never want to play that game again, but it also left her in an enormously advantageous position, and letting Dany know that she was actually very politically minded was not the right move at that moment. But of course, because this is the season of constantly interrupted interesting conversations, as soon as the discussion turns political it’s interrupted.

Now, what I think is very interesting about Dany is her desire to essentially acquire special people. She wants Tyrion, the “most brilliant man in the kingdoms”, to be her hand. She knows he’s exceptional, and she wants to basically own him. And she goes through the same thing with Jon. She perceives her feelings towards him as love, but I think she really knows nothing about him and just thinks that he’s extraordinary enough to be worthy of her and therefore they must be in love with each other. Dany sees herself as a person unlike any other, with no equal in existence or history, so when people fawn all over her or give her unquestioned loyalty it’s nothing more than what she expects, but when literally anyone seems to care about or respect someone more than they do her, she doesn’t understand it and often sees it as some kind of a betrayal.

So when Theon shows up to fight for the Starks, she doesn’t necessarily seem mad, but she is clearly baffled, especially because she has already categorized Sansa as someone not special. If she thought Sansa were special or important enough to warrant her attention, Jorah wouldn’t have had to tell her to go try to be friends. But when Theon arrives and asks Sansa to fight for her, she doesn’t get it because in her mind Sansa is not worthy of that kind of devotion because she’s too ordinary, and the fact that someone is prioritizing Sansa over her right in front of her face really puts her off. And what seemingly makes this interchange dangerous is that Dany’s reaction to seeing this doesn’t seem to be a desire to actually understand where it stems from, but seems to result in the immediate conclusion that Sansa herself must be stopped (which is an idea that Dany toyed with in the season premiere as well, but I think it only solidified that idea for her further).

But I think that Sansa and Theon’s interaction here is obviously fascinating as well, both in relation to Dany and in general. Honestly, that kind of raw emotion and vulnerability is something that people in GoT rarely display around one another, and I can’t even think of another instance of Dany actually witnessing two people who genuinely love each other emotionally connect in that way. That’s not generally a way that she feels about a lot of people, and in her world, she is always the center of attention. So even if there are people in her orbit who love each other, she never really sees that. I actually think Emilia’s expression captures that perfectly as well, she both seems put off but unsure of how to react and borderline unsure of WTF it is that she’s actually seeing, because again, it’s pretty abnormal to see people be that emotionally open in public anyway and because it’s something that Dany is completely unaccustomed to seeing when it’s not directed towards her.

And of course, for Sansa and Theon as a pair, it’s extremely heartwarming and emotional to see how deeply they care for one another, and it’s even more touching to realize how powerfully they have had to repress their own emotions for so long and that they have now gotten to the point where they’re so completely unashamed and completely lacking in self consciousness that they’re willing to be that raw no matter who’s looking.

Overall, despite the massive flaws of season 8, I do have to say that the scenes between Dany and Sansa are some of my favorite and I wish we had gotten so much more out of them. I actually think the performance chemistry between Emilia and Sophie is better than nearly every other character that Dany was introduced to late in the game, and I think it was a huge mistake to not explore that more and to not fully clarify that these two literal queens are not bickering over a boy’s attention.

#Anonymous #sansa stark #anti daenerys targaryen #dark!daenerys #got #got meta #sansa stark meta #daenerys targaryen meta #meta

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dragonbugsuperior · 4 years

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Something that I've been meaning to say about Miraculous's "Rich Girls".............

Before I even go into this, All you Lila, Chloe, and Kagami stans out there I suggest to skip this post, leave disgusting comments and I'll block and report you because I'm saying it now, that I will be saying some things about Lila, Chloe, and Kagami that aren't really pretty. If you like their characters "Yay!" good for you,

Nobody cares. grow up

So........something has been on my mind lately and I would like to get it off my chest because it's just been stuck in my head and I think it's good if I do make some clear points that clearly people are missing in regards to the show's "rich girls". So Marinette.....has been going through alot this past season and people are saying stupid things like "Oh wE NEeD a NEw LAdyBUg!"

Or "oH MArINeTtE iS teRRiBlE At dOiNg heR jOB!"

Let's dive right into this

I'll start with Chloe first. Chloe bullied Marinette. She has for 7 whole fucking years. Marinette has done nothing to Chloe literally. She hasn't bullied her, talked about her, criticized her, she has done nothing to that girl. But oh! Chloe is some rich snobbish brat that thinks everyone below her should be treated less of a human than she is. Where was her mom when Chlow started to go to school with Marinette? Also Chloe's mom not playing a big part of her life doesn't excuse her terrible behavior and awful treatment she has given marinette and students at her school. Just because her mom is a total snob and shallow person doesn't mean Chloe has to be exactly like her. It's okay for Chloe to express sadness and frustration but what's not okay if for Chloe to lash out all her negativity on Marinette as if Marinette has done something to her. Her parents have really failed her and she has failed herself. She's so full of herself that I'm starting to believe she's delusional. Clinging onto Adrien 24/7 at school like their some type of couple is already mouth-gagging. Like girl, he is not some toy that is all yours and that you can just cling yourself onto. I'm glad Marinette calls her out on her bullshit and handles Chloe's ass and she's not afraid to do so.

And that tacky ass makeup really defeats the purpose because it's makes her look worser than her personality. Tired of these blonde stuck up popular rich girls that think they can just overrule people.

Treating everybody around her like her peasants is clichè mean girl shit. I'm willing to go as far as to say she's a fucking narcissist. Having excessive interest and admiration for herself and treating everybody around her like shit as if she's 10 times more important than they are when in reality she's nothing but a spoiled brat that's jealous because she knows Marinette is better than her.

2nd to last....Lila

Literally 'lie' is in her name. She lies her mouth off and thinks she's fooling every fucking body. Marinette knows damn well she's lying and tells her up to her face in Chameleon. I'm sorry but her lies are ridiculous and the class is so undeniably stupid for believing her bullshit. Yea she's another "spoiled rich girl" her mom is present in her life but we know nothing about her dad. Don't know what happened to him and I don't care to know what happened to him. I know one thing though. Just like in Chloe's case, her dad being absent doesn't make it "okay" for her to be a two-faced person who can pathologically lie to people for personal gain. That's disgusting and weak of a person. She literally frames Marinette and corners her in the bathroom to a wall and pushed herself down the steps to look like she's actually injured. Her fans can try to shed all the light they want on her character but that's never gonna erase all the terrible shit she's done. And once again! Marinette has done nothing to Lila and somehow Marinette is Lila's main target. She lied about her friendship with Ladybug just to impress a boy. Her negativity she's trying to pass onto Marinette isn't working because Marinette is strong and optimistic. I can't believe she had fans, cough looks like a knock-off version of Dora cough. She's so stupid she really thinks Adrien wants to be with someone like her. A liar and manipulative bitch. lol

Kagami.......

"But Jen she's only been a character since season-

Yea I already know how long she's been in the show but that doesn't mean that I'm going to get her the benefit of the doubt. First time she met Marinette she treated her terribly as if Marinette did anything to her. Then again, people like to claim she's from a strict household so that gives her an excuse when it really doesn't. Secondly Kagami in general seems phony, Marinette is trying to be her friend and give up on Adrien just for her!!! and so she can grow as a person!!!!! Kagami chose Adrien over Marinette while Marinette gave up Adrien just so Kagami can have him. Seems like the only reason Kagami really wants to be friends with Marinette is because of Adrien. But let's not get into that.... In Animeastro she acted like she had a problem Marinette was talking to Adrien. I just don't get her at all. One minute she wants to be Marinette's friend (which I believe is completely fake) and then the next she's glaring daggers at her as if she did anything to her.

I don't even want to fucking hear "Oh but Jenny, Marinette didn't confes- SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP. Marinette has tried time after time to confess she's always getting interrupted. Kagami thinks of Adrien like some prize to win all for herself after only knowing him for not too long. Give me a break then she's the one who got akumatized over a fucking picture instead of asking Adrien "hey, what's this?" She got salty and got akumatized. In Frozer, Adrien told her that he had feelings for someone else, she jumped to conclusions and thought it was fucking Marinette and suggested him to "switch targets" he told her he wouldn't and she still pushes him to literally kissing him and then getting mad because he rejected it. Girl! Did he not fucking say that he has feelings for another girl and he won't be switching targets. She's really that desperate that she's telling Adrien to get over that other girl, and she's so fucking desperate she tried to kiss him then got mad when he didn't kiss her back. Let's not forget she literally cut out the fencing class picture and left Adrien and herself out. Then she gave us a little "insight" on how she views Adrien in Oni-Chan. "Image of Perfection" she likes Adrien because he's perfect? That's funny. Because for 1, he's not nobody is and for 2 that's a stupid reason to like somebody. Let's not also forget when she literally lied in Miracle Queen about the villain attacking people in love. She knows Adrien likes somebody else so why is she trying so hard to push into being with her? Desperate much? "We're so alike" and Kagami really believes their soulmates? She should just shut the fuck up. She sounds stupid as fuck. How are you "soulmates" with someone you just met not too long ago. Bless her delusional soul. After he rejected her kiss and only knowing him for 2 seasons. Liiiiike......are you that desperate for a boy. I can't wait to see her reaction to when Adrien dates Marinette. Lmao

It's so funny how all these girls think Adrien's theirs when in reality Marinette is his true soulmate and is gonna end up with him in the end. Adrienette is literally endgame. There's no need for people like Chloe, Lila, and Kagami to get on the way of that. It's also funny how people like to claim Marinette as the possessive one when all these rich spoiled brats have gotten akumatized over him, cling onto him like he's some coat rack, and go out their way to make Marinette feel terrible. And marinette has given Adrien up. The only real clear reason I can see the 3 of them act bitchy towards marinette without a reason would be because they're jealous and don't have the best lives at home and wish to be like marinette.

If I'm not mistaken who's the one that got bullied for 7 years straight and tries her very best to be strong? Who's the one that literally got sexually harassed by Felix? Who's the one who has anxiety? Who's the one who has pressure and responsibilities hunched all over their shoulders? Who's the one that has go around every fucking day to save their city? Oh okay. Everybody always wants to talk about how tough they are without actually going through some real shit. Because I don't recall Lila, Chloe or Kagami going through any of these things while treating Marinette like shit. Kagami is the one that lied to Adrien, Kagami is the one that treated Marinette like crap, Kagami is the one that pushed Adrien after he said he had feelings for someone else /this b*tch didn't even wait/, Kagami is the one that is acting like Lila and Chloe. Let Marinette act like how Kagami did, I'm pretty sure she would've got bashed.

Once they go through all that bullshit then we can chit chat until then, they don't know what struggle is. Spoiled ass brats who clearly don't deserve Adrien because they're immature. They think Adrien's "theirs" they pushed themselves on him as if they can't live without him and they do sneaky shit in order to be with him. Lila and Kagami have clearly showed they would lie to get with him and Chloe does too. Marinette has the courage to let Adrien go, I'm pretty sure if the shoe was on the other foot Kagami would never let Adrien go.

And before people go around saying how it's their parents fault they act do toxically and immature (bc ppl like to give them excuses for their "mommy and daddy" issues) it's really not. Yes, it's partially their parents because they raised them but they also have a big role for their actions. No body is responsible for making Chloe, Lila, or Kagami a better person. No body. Stop putting the blame all on their parents because it's not just the parents I'm pretty sure Tomoe didn't teach Kagami to "lie" in order to get with a boy. Kagami chose to lie to Adrien in Miracle Queen with her own free will. Nobody said "lie to Adrien" Kagami lied that's her fault Nobody told Chloe to bully and belittle Marinette, Audrey is very shallow and brat-like but I don't recall her ever saying "Chloe bully Marinette" Nobody told Lila to constantly lie and manipulate people hell, her mom doesn't even know she's doing it! None of their parents are responsible for certain shit they do so stop pretending like their innocent kids that have horrible parents. I don't have time to analyze if Kagami is like Chloe and Lila or not because I know she is like them she acts just like them. Treats marinette like crap but acts different when Adrien's around. Simple. I tried to give her character a chance in Oni-Chan but after hearing how she views Adrien and how she acted in Miracle Queen I hated her even more than I did before.

Truth be told, Chloe, Lila, nor Kagami are nothing without Adrien. If we're really gonna go there. Their just some pointless characters that want to get in the way of things and can't stay in their places. Marinette made this show, she's the center of the plot, without her their is no Chloe, without her there is no Lila, without her there is no Kagami.

Call me absent-minded but I see alot of jealous hoes and I'm not with that shit at all. Sorry not sorry

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ladyanput · 4 years

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Seeing Green Ch.15 {End}

Warning: light gore.

Once they landed back in Paris, Marinette felt a sense of finally being home, but it wasn't as overwhelming as it used to be. Part of her yearned to go back to Gotham, to be with Damian and the others, there was a sense of belonging there, now that Paris was once again safe.

Oddly, no one once mentioned anything about Marinette being Ladybug. In fact, when she talked to them, playfully suggesting about Ladybug's identity, they all began saying their thoughts, but not once mentioned her. Odd, but she didn't push her luck. Maybe the Miraculous Cure had been extremely generous and wiped their minds? One less thing for her to stress about.

Once she got back to school, her, Miss Bustier, Lila, and Marinette's parents were immediately summoned to the principal's office. Mr. Arquette did not look the least bit pleased, his hands folded neatly as they all shuffled into his office and took a seat.

"I received many disturbing reports while you all were in Gotham, reports that I should have known would happen since I left those children in your care." Arquette spoke, his voice firm and cold as he glared hard at Miss Bustier. "You abandoned a student in the middle of a dangerous city, you left your students roam as they pleased with no supervision, one student stole the money from another, a student was kidnapped and you never once reported it to myself or her parents, much less the police. You even had the audacity to say that her kidnapper did nothing wrong. Caline, you've been on thin ice for quite some time now, but this gross negligence is the final straw. One of the students was even assaulted at the Wayne event and you did nothing to break it up and just stood back and watched. I don't believe we have a place for you here at Saint Louis anymore, not after your behaviour."

"Please, you don't understand, it's all a misunderstanding! Marinette manipulated Adrien and-" Lila began, looking tearful.

"And you," Arquette turned his steely gaze on Lila, cutting her off before she can try and spin another flimsy web of lies. ", You have crossed many lines. Lying about medical records, of how to contact your mother, long series of absences, and I heard much about your deeds in Gotham. Your mother is almost here, Miss Rossi."

"What?! No, she can't-" Lila was on her feet within seconds, her body trembling. Caline, herself, looked quite shaken as well, as if she were about to be sick.

"Miss Dupain-Cheng, I am greatly sorry for what you've had to endure all of these years. I should have taken a more firm stance on things, I should have gotten someone else to attend the trip with your class." Arquette turned to Marinette, his expression turning to one of regret. He stood, then rounded his desk, kneeling next to her chair. "I take full responsibility for what happened to you in Gotham."

"No, Mr. Arquette, please. No one thought I would be kidnapped, and luckily Batman saved me." Marinette put in quickly, feeling a sense of relief, now that Miss Bustier would no longer be around. That pressure of being the perfect example was finally lifted from her shoulders. "You're a great principal, you couldn't have known. But I appreciate your actions now, you're more than making up for this."

His shoulders seemed to relax and he nodded before returning to his desk. It wasn't long before Lila's mother showed up, and then the show truly began.

"You've been lying to me? Me?! Your own mother?!" Mrs. Rossi screamed at her pale faced daughter, before pulling a few brown envelopes out of her bag and holding them up. "Do you know what these are?! These are court orders! Court orders from Jagged Stone, Clara Nightingale, and the Waynes! What were you thinking, having your friend slander their names all over her blog?! You basically accused Jagged of being a pedophile by saying he wrote a song especially for you, that you're his muse!"

"She is also saying she's the personal muse to Gabriel Agreste, ever since she became his model." Marinette put in helpfully, and sat back as she watched Mrs. Rossi got red in the face and continued to berate her daughter.

"And now you'll be going to live with your aunt back in Italy, if these lawsuits don't bankrupt me! I'm only a secretary, Lila, what made you think we could travel like that?!"

Marinette merely watched as Lila was reduced to tears, and expelled from the school. Mrs. Rossi dragged her daughter out and Caline Bustier was promptly dismissed to go and collect her things.

"What will happen to my class?" Marinette asked the principal once she and her parents were about to leave.

"Well, they will get a new teacher, it might be a bit difficult with only a few months left before you all graduate." Mr. Arquette admitted, looking thoughtful. At the tense silence, he cleared his throat. "Miss Césaire will be thoroughly punished for her actions as well, in Gotham. Assaulting another classmate is completely u acceptable. I was told by her parents she is already being punished as we speak."

Marinette left that school, her parents figuring that she needed a day off after all that had happened. So she silently went up to her room and collapsed onto her bed, finally processing it all.

She was finally free of Lila. Hawkmoth was defeated, and she had both Nooroo and Duusu back, after having fixed the Peacock Miraculous.

When she heard her phone buzz, she picked it up and smiled to herself.

{Damian} I miss you, Angel, I hope your flight landed safely.

{Damian} I miss you already Angel. And Plagg's taste in cheese is the smelliest ever. Alfred is threatening to throw him out.

The smile on her face didn't drop for the rest of the evening, as she spent the entire evening messaging Damian.

…

Ladybug stood firm at the podium, her teammates standing with her as they faced the flashing of cameras with stoic expressions, press members shouting out questions. She merely stared at them, waiting for them all to quiet down. The crowd quickly got the clue and did such.

"Today, I am here to announce that Hawkmoth has finally been defeated. The terror he reigned over Paris for so long is finally over." Ladybug announced, and this only caused the crowd to go into a bewildered frenzy once again. Ladybug waited, and the media was quick to quiet again, realizing they had to be polite with this one. "Gabriel Agreste, formerly known as Hawkmoth, has been arrested and placed into the custody of the French authorities."

"What about his son, Adrien Agreste? Was he in cahoots with his father?" A reporter blurted out, and it took everything in Ladybug not to flinch at that name.

"Adrien Agreste was not in league with Hawkmoth, he and his mother are innocent." Well, as innocent as one could be. Adrien had been arrested, but anyone could see the boy needed mental help due to all of the mental abuse and grooming that had been forced upon him by his father. So Adrien and his mother, who had indeed woken up, had moved out of the country, where Adrien was getting good care in a good facility, not that he'd ever leave it, not after all he had done.

"What happens now?" A young reporter asked. Ladybug recognized her from her school, Estelle Desrosiers, a sweet girl who always sought out the truth, but was respectable about things. So Ladybug gave her a gracious smile.

"Well, Miss Desrosiers, the Miraculous will be retired and I shall be leaving the city. There are dangerous villains in the world and the world needs the help of the Miraculous to stop it. They're here to keep the darkness from taking over." She spoke firmly, and everyone could see the hero they had all grown to love and admire. There was much outcry at her stating she was leaving, but she stopped the noise and set a hand over her heart. "I love Paris, I love France. This is my home more than anything, but I cannot stay, cannot sit by as the rest of the world suffers. So thank you, Paris, and embrace your newfound freedom. And here's my final Bugout!"

With that, she and the rest of her team took off, followed by the cheers.

Back in her family apartment, Alya was seething as she sat between her parents on the couch, watching the live broadcast. That should be her up there, basking in the glory of defeating Hawkmoth with Ladybug, if Ladybug had actually used her head and gave her back her Fox Miraculous! No one was better suited to be a hero than Rena Rouge! Or it should at least be her at the front of that media stand, asking all of the important questions, getting the big scoop. But her parents had made her delete her blog. She had lost every single electronic she'd had, due to her actions in Gotham and her recent attitudes towards everyone. She had even screamed at her little sisters to the point she had made them cry.

The future was not a bright one for Alya Césaire.

…

Graduation had quickly arrived and when Marinette left her class, she didn't once look back. Sure, they had all apologized, save for Alya who had been expelled and needed to repeat her senior year, but they had thrown her aside so easily for a complete stranger. The kind of trust she had had with them was never going to exist again.

As she arrived back at her place to pack her bags, she saw Luka, Kagami, and Chloé in her room, waiting for her. They each gave her a grateful smile, before they began giving the Guardian back their Miraculous.

"I'm going to miss you." Chloé whispered as she nuzzled Pollen, then handed the hair clip over to Marinette, who tucked it safely into the Miraculous box. "And we'll miss you too, Marinette."

Marinette smiled and opened her arms, Luka, Chloé, and Kagami moving in for a group hug. The four of them held onto each other tight, before finally letting go.

"Have fun in Gotham." Luka whispered, ruffling her hair gently before he kissed her temple. "Keep in touch."

"I will." Marinette tucked the Miraculous box into the hidden compartment in her suitcase, then made her way downstairs, embracing her parents tightly, tears welling up in her eyes. She was finally leaving the nest, leaving the home that was full of such love and happy memories. But she still felt something deep inside of her calling for her to go back to Gotham, her new home.

Once she got in the taxi, she settled back and glanced down at her phone buzzed, biting her lower lip to hold back a giggle.

{Damian} Once you land in Gotham, go to the Wayne Botanical Gardens. I have a surprise for you, Angel.

"I'll be home soon, mon prince.."

…

Marinette stepped into the greenhouse and grinned at the sight of Damian standing there, next to a checkered blanket and a picnic basket. She dropped her purse and ran towards him, hugging him tightly as he lifted her up and spun her.

"I missed you, Angel." Damian whispered into her ear as he set his giggling girlfriend back onto the ground, then motioned towards the picnic. "I thought I'd surprise you, to welcome you back home."

"And here I thought you and your brothers were gonna throw me a party." Marinette grinned, taking a seat beside him. When he began setting out the food, she felt her smile only widen. "You really spoil me."

"Well hopefully I don't spoil your appetite too much. Jason decided to go into the kitchen today and bake you a 'welcome back' cake. Pretend to like the inedible mess." Damian gave her a wry smile as he poured them both a cup of sparkling juice, before holding his up as a toast. "Welcome home, Angel."

"Glad to be home, mon prince." She tapped her plastic cup against his and took a long drink, unable to wipe the smile from her face. The hour passed with them joking and eating the food Damian had brought, Marinette glanced at the time and sighed. "We should get back. I really want to see everyone, I've missed them."

Marinette stood and stretched her body, groaning softly as she managed to loosen a few tense muscles, then took a step towards the exit.

"Marinette."

She turned towards Damian. Damian met her gaze, then raised his gun. A shot rang out and Marinette stumbled back a few steps, clutching at her chest as a bewildered look on her face.

"D- Damian..?" She dropped to her knees, then was jolted onto her back when he shot her again.

"I thank you, Marinette. The Miraculous are much more powerful than I would have ever thought." He smiled thinly as he made his way over and knelt down next to Marinette, who was choking on her own blood.

Marinette stared up at the boy she thought she was so deeply in love with, tears beginning to slide down her cheeks as she tried to reach up for him.

"I'm glad you were at least useful. You really are a ditz, aren't you?" He stood and ground his foot into the gunshot wounds, making her let out a choked scream.

Marinette's mind was in a whirl, struggling to breathe as her world began to dim.

So she had just been a pawn…? Been used to get the Miraculous…?

He had lied to her?

How could she have been so stupid?

As the light left her eyes, the only thoughts were on betrayal, and the fears of what would happen to the Kwami, to Tikki.

When her body went limp, Heretic grinned.

…

Damian rushed his entire way to the Botanical Gardens, silently cursing Mr. Freeze with every inch of his being. Because of the bastard, he was two hours late in meeting Marinette. He knew she'd understand, but still, no one deserves that. He feared she was angry because she wasn't answering her phone.

He rushed through the roof doors, when a strong coppery smell hit him, a smell he was very familiar with. His body instantly tensed as he reached down the small knife in his pocket, carefully making his way into the greenhouse as his eyes darted this way and that.

And what he saw made his heart stop.

Marinette was sprawled out on the floor, staring skyward, with two gunshot wounds in her chest, a puddle of blood beginning to congele around her. Hovering over her was a loudly weeping Tikki.

"Tikki,what happened?!" Plagg burst from Damian's coat pocket and rushed towards her, hugging her close as his dearest friend broke apart in his arms.

"I- I don't know! I was asleep, I was so tired because I- I'm still trying to help Nooroo through his trauma, and I just woke up! What happened to her, Plagg? She can't be dead, she just can't be! I can't lose her, please, tell me she's not dead!" Tikki wailed.

"Marinette…?" Damian knelt next to the body, cupping her face ever so gently. He felt tears burn his eyes as he rested his forehead against hers, desperately wishing for the reality to not be true. She was gone, he had lost her and he hadn't been here to protect her. The tears began to flow as he let out a sob and hugged the body close. "No, please, Angel, please don't go.."

He sat there and rocked as he sobbed. Eventually, he got the will to call his brothers. They'd have a horrible call to her parents.

…

Tom and Sabine wept as their little girl, their only child, was lowered into the ground. Damian felt numb, like nothing was really worth it anymore. But beneath that numbness was an angry ready to burst forth and cause the death of whoever caused this. The police hadn't found anything, no DNA, no fingerprints, nothing except for Marinette's. Why couldn't they do their goddamned job and find the murdering bastard?!

"Diana, what are you doing here?" Bruce's surprised tone brought Damian's attention, and he watched as Diana Prince approached them, looking grim.

"I am here to honour a brave and dutiful Ladybug. My mother had wished to attend as well, but we did not want to cause much ruckus." Diana admitted, looking down at the casket being slowly covered in dirt. She let out a long, defeated sigh. "But one so young… No one should ever die so young."

"Why would your mother care about this?" Damian snipped, but Diana took no offense, seeing how torn up the boy was. Many people lashed out in their grief.

"She was a previous Ladybug." Diana admitted, noticing Plagg peeking out from Damian's coat pocket. She smiled down at the Kwami and knelt, pretending as if to tie her shoe. "Hello Plagg."

"Hello there, Princess, you've certainly grown." Plagg said rather sadly, before looking away. "Tikki.. She's not doing so good."

"I have no doubt." Diana nodded and stood once again, turning towards Bruce. "What will happen with the Miraculous now?"

"They need to ensure somewhere safe. You said that your mother was once a Ladybug, yes? Perhaps you can take the body back home? I know it would be greatly protected there." Bruce glanced over at his son, who was staring at his ring. "But the Black Cat Miraculous…"

"It can stay here." Diana assured him softly. "You never separate a Black Cat from their Chosen."

"It was the last thing Marinette gave to me." Damian murmured and Diana felt her heart break at how defeated he looked.

"Keep the ring safe, Damian. And Plagg, help Damian as well." Diana reached down and stroked Plagg's head gently once she was sure no one was watching. "I shall take the box home to Themiscyra."

"Thank you, Diana." Bruce turned his gaze back to the grave, his hands curling ever so slightly into fists. "I know Marinette would appreciate it while we hunt down whoever is responsible for this."

"Once you do find out who it was, make them suffer." Diana hissed, a dangerous threat in her eyes. "Or I shall."

…

That night, Diana took the Miraculous box, sans the Black Cat ring, and returned to Themiscyra.

That night, in a graveyard in Paris, several people approached the grave of Marinette Dupain-Cheng and began to dig.

…

Marinette felt as if she were floating, the entire body full of warmth and strength.

She opened her eyes and realized she was seeing nothing but green.

Then something took hold, something indescribable. She burst forth from the green water, letting out a scream of rage as memories began flooding back, memories of her murder. Eyes almost blind to anything around her, she charged towards a faint figure in front of her and body slammed them. When another person came forward, she flipped them over her head. She broke another man's arm and leg.

"Hold her down!" A feminine voice snapped out, and quickly Marinette found herself being restrained on a cold floor, snarling and snapping, screaming out for Damian's blood.

But eventually, that madness faded and she found herself staring at a beautiful woman who knelt over her.

"Who… Who are you?" Marinette croaked out, her entire body still shivering, tears beginning to flow from her eyes.

"Oh Marinette, do not weep. My name is Talia." The woman stroked the hair from the young girl's face, smiling kindly down upon her. "Do not fret, I shall take care of you from now on. You are in safe hands."

{To Be Continued in the sequel}

Taglist: @realrandomposts @interobanginyourmom @ladybug-182 @ladylb @zalladane @mochinek0 @persephonebutkore @urbanpineapplefarmer @vixen-uchiha @angelofmusickaterinapetrova @thewheezingbubbledragon @northernbluetongue @thequestionablyhuman @ginamarie1512 @maude-zarella @2sunchild2 @saphiraazure2708 @ayuchan07 @virgil-is-a-cutie @thepeacetea @miraculous786 @enchanted-nerd @ficsforthestars @emo-elaine13 @caffeinetheory

#Seeing Green #maribat #daminette #damimari

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ibringyouasong89 · 3 years

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Self-Awareness Time, Part One:

So I’m reading this article one day, (see article here: https://psych2go.net/6-signs-youll-be-single-forever/), and realize how some of this is true, but also some of it is bullshit. Spoiler Alert: I haven’t had a boyfriend since I was 18. Is it because I haven’t wanted to be with someone, or be in a relationship, since that one ended? Quite the contrary, actually. I have dreamed, since I was a small child, of a perfect soulmate for me, and that it would be a Disney-movie-ending come true for the rest of my life. Having my first (and since then, only) boyfriend break up with me (so he could go out with my ex-best friend, who in turn, dumped her boyfriend of three years - who was my childhood friend from elementary school - in order to be with him; it was dramatic, stupid, and messy, i.e. we were teenagers who thought they knew themselves but didn’t have a clue) did not, in fact, deter those dreams at all. The problem is that I didn’t learn to love myself. I learned to move on, which is always wonderful, but I didn’t hold myself in any higher esteem than I had before, and while I was with him. It wasn’t a reflection on being with him, but more or less, a reflection of myself and how I saw myself, based on my childhood and certain experiences. Fast forward a couple of years later: my parents are divorced, my father is dead, my childhood friends have disappeared out of my life for the most part, I live with my mother and grandfather (who was close to dying himself), and I am now living in a different state, faraway from everything I know and love and hate everything about this new place. I hated (and still do, for many of these points) the polluted environment, I hated the lack of nature (I moved to a metropolitan-region within the realm of a major city), I hated how crowded it is, I hated how everyone lives on top of one another; I hate the noise, the traffic, and most of all, I hated how alien and out of place I feel. I knew I didn’t belong, but because of finances, and having an ineffective bachelor’s degree (that didn’t come with a lifetime guarantee of having a career, as promised by my parents and elder generations. Though it did come with the nice guarantee of student loans), I was unable to move anywhere else. I was unable to be independent, financially or otherwise, and could do nothing to make my dreams a reality or to improve my life. In short, I was stuck. And hating every minute of it, along with myself. To be fair, I wasn’t an emotionally healthy person to start off with - but I mean, who is by the time they’re 23, 24 years old, and a culminating reflection of time, pressure, past abuse, parental issues, trust issues, abandonment issues, lack of socializing/being ostracized for being different, and self-worth and self-love issues? No one, and I mean, NO ONE, is taught how to love themselves, completely, as a child. I don’t care who raised you or where you grew up. This is a fundamental truth and fact. But I met someone. Lo and behold, there came this divine gift, one day, of someone who was just like me! He didn’t have the same issues as I, but he understood in a general sense (as any individual who has a certain degree of sympathy and empathy can do), and made me feel seen (even if I hated it at times). Someone who, in all honesty, has fundamentally changed me forever. And to think I met him at my job! (i.e. retail). This person...well, I thought he might’ve been THE ONE. I was really, REALLY in love with him. More so than I ever thought I could be with someone. Our connection was real and based on emotional, mental, and spiritual intimacy (there was none of the physical, which was probably for the best, in the end), and I had never loved anybody before, in the entire history of being connected to family and friends, the way I had loved him. I thought he was truly something special - a gift from the universe that not only allowed to experience this once-in-a-lifetime kind of love, but also because of how OBVIOUS it was that we were meant for each other. (I was so arrogant back then and admit it heartily now). Well, suffice to say, it didn’t end in rainbows-and-sunshine-for-years-to-come. He had already been entering a relationship when I met him, while also having his heart broken by another girl. As the saying goes: wrong place and time. While I was busy pining over him and fantasizing about us being together romantically (after building this incredible connection and deep friendship), he was happily living his life and enjoying his relationship...even though, for a time, he went out of his way to spend time with me and deepen our emotional intimacy further. He told me things about himself, and his life, that he swore he had never told another human being before in his life. But it all came to a grinding halt one day - out of the blue - when he severed our connection with all of the swiftness and severity of a well-placed swing from a sharpened blade. Later he would confess that it wasn’t intentional - it was because he was busy cutting other people out of his life and I got caught up in the “crossfires” of it all via social media and the like *insert eyeroll here* - but that he had also been conscious of my burgeoning feelings for him, and felt “flattered” that I had come to regard him so greatly. He promised to re-open the lines of communication between us again and to be a better friend. Spoiler Alert Part Two: None of these promises were fulfilled. Now, some of you (or whoever reads this long-ass personal post) might say “Well, maybe in knowing about your feelings, THAT was why he didn’t bother talking to you anymore. It made him uncomfortable, especially since he was in a relationship with someone else. He just wanted to make a clean break.” To be completely honest, I was aware of that possibility from the get-go. The problem is that he claimed (during this period of seeking me out and spending quality time with me) his relationship with his girlfriend was “casual.” That he was more than aware that he was her first boyfriend, but that he knew it wouldn’t last. In knowing that, he still pursued a relationship with that girl (though his self-prophecy did come to pass...three years later). Now, there were never any promises made about entering a relationship with ME, as some of you may point out as well. I agree. There are, and never will be, any guarantees when it comes to the heart. Someone who learns to love another is quite capable of also learning how to un-love that same individual, at any time. And hatred, as many know, is not the opposite of love; apathy is its true counterpart.

No, what was truly hurtful was that he knew that truth, honesty, compassion, consideration, and genuineness were core values of mine. Values that I thought he shared...but turned out to be lies when he revealed his regard, or lack-there-of, for me in the end. When he did not confront me over my feelings for him and instead played ignorant for the sake of his own happiness. When he promised that this did not interfere with his ability to be my friend, even after confessing said romantic intentions to him, and probably lying about it all the same. He knew of my past, my issues, and had probably guessed at my level of loneliness and knew about my lack of friends since moving away from my hometown...and didn’t think twice of ditching me, nor of how his sudden “ignorance” about our bond would effect my feelings. That being “one of the guys” was my true status - despite the fact that I have breasts, a vagina, lack a penis, and had never acted in a “masculine way” around him (aside from being intelligent, having common sense, being interested in comic books, music, and movies, having a deep appreciation for classic muscle cars, and a biting sense of sarcasm); i.e. no hanging out in bars with him and his male friends, no doing stupid shit for giggles, no running around in the middle of the night to each other’s houses to smoke pot and drink in the basement, not being into sports and wrestling, recalling the same stupid stories from high school and retelling them, over and over again, along with the same stupid jokes, etc...And I’m not judging any female (or person) who does DO this, or enjoy these things! I’m just simply describing how he, and his friends, acted and what their similar interests are. I was “friend-zoned” (which is a ridiculous phrase, but I can’t think of anything else to describe it as), but was NOT treated like a friend any longer. I was treated like a stranger or an acquaintance that you remember vaguely seeing in the hallways and cafeteria when you attend your high school reunion (that guy who makes you go “Oh, *Insert Name Here*! Omg! How are you?! Wow, it’s been a while! Great to see you lost all that weight! So uh...how’s things?”). In short: I was being gas-lit. For anyone who has experienced this, you have my deepest sympathies and my ear and shoulder, whenever you would like. Of course part of the blame falls on me too: for treating romantic love like a drug I couldn’t live without, for depending on someone too much for my happiness, and for allowing myself to be treated as someone who is less than worthy of real love, respect, consideration, kindness, compassion, and honest, open communication.

So, not only did this guy break my heart, but he also threw me, and our friendship, away like it all meant nothing. It became obvious then that I, and our bond, had never mattered to him at all. The worst part is that he continued to flirt with me, stringing me along (unknowingly or not), while also maintaining this enforced distance! (Which is also COMPLETELY WRONG TO DO TO ANYONE!) In truth, I think he’s an unaware narcissist who doesn’t realize, on an unconscious level, how manipulative he can really be. It’s sad. But I know, without wishing for it or egging the universe on, that there is a lesson waiting for him in the wings of the cosmos that will enable him to truly understand the lows, and highs, of true personal awareness (if it should come to pass - anything is possible, in any way, shape, or form). But back to the point: In conclusion, my soul was shattered. My heart was a destroyed. I fell into a depression based, not only on this heartbreak, but also my heart being broken by ME. I was so unhappy with everything going on, and not, in my life and it all felt so hopeless and pointless. I could see no path forward, no future for myself, that didn’t result either in me being unhappy or being unstuck. (Hell, even writing about all of this is allowing the phantom pains to rise from their graves in my heart, which makes me realize how much healing, and self-love, I still have to gain). This, however, was the beginning of my awakening for me.

It dawned on me like the rising sun within me that I really SHOULDN’T put stock into having people depended upon so much to MAKE me happy. I should be making MYSELF happy. But then the deepest question, out of the pit of darkness within my soul, arose: Why WASN’T I happy with myself?

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