#like idk living in the 2020s sucks in some very real ways | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

hardpacker · 8 months

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there is a lot of frustration and anxiety and retroactive grieving that comes with it but i am really glad that i eventually pursued reading and learning and talking more (like with therapists mainly but also some good people in my life) about being autistic. it was mostly out of anka suggesting it to me a few times but i was really unsure for a while. now my therapists and even my doctor (kind of) are talking to me more about it and figuring out what kind of help i know i need and ideas for what could be useful...

it really sucks, but it makes so much sense to me now why in may 2020, sooner than the year or year and a half it took for a lot of other people, i could acutely tell something was Seriously Going Wrong with my brain, grasping at words, not being able to access what should have been vivid since my memory is apparently quite good-- with all my real life connections and contexts and activities halted. and why recovery time is so much slower and the burnout, the becoming sluggish, not being able to speak and further information feeling painful, is so much worse now... but also, it's not new. it's happened before. it happened all through college and i had no idea that's what was doing it. and life was different, i didn't have as much time to reflect, i knew less about myself to be able to connect the dots in any kind of informative way, much less try to tell other people about it.

it feels like something is unlocked in a profound way, way way way different than being told to go on one antidepressant after another and getting sick each time. now i'm on a different kind of medication to help manage distress and there isn't any sickness at all. i'm summing this up extremely quickly because i have things to do, but it just clicks so solidly, decisively. i know what would really benefit me is patience and understanding me in good faith. i think i'm a pretty consistent person. i think i try to maintain a whole, well-rounded view of people, even if part of that is because some things i just can't forget (and worrying if i'm remembering "the right things") and even if i can't expect other people to hold me in their mind like that... i'd at least like to be received with even some of this in mind.

it bummed me out when friends drifted away when things didn't suddenly get better for me. it bums me out to see that happening to other people too. maybe it comes off as creepy/inappropriate to still feel strongly about someone based on what i think are foundational friendship components or interactions, if whatever it is that brought us together still seems intact to me, maybe i can't pick up on what they view as the separation-- lack of frequent talking, not picking up new shared interests? my feelings were hurt recently when only a couple people congratulated me on the Ignatz nomination or all the comics i've done recently, because i thought those were things other people were passionate about too, or at the very least, required little emotional depth to acknowledge. i feel really bad when i miss a milestone in people's lives, and maybe the fact is that i haven't had the same milestones to share. but isn't that normal...? idk. i feel like i do reach out to people but maybe it's not in the same ways that they value. i'd like to be given a chance. or maybe i just need to find people who i don't have to chase. i think it's both? i need to better understand what other people like but i also think the internet is no way to do this. everyone is extremely keyed up and defensive and you can rewrite a person at will.

i'm still confused and increasingly weirded out about T cutting me off, if just that i did try to bring it up more directly and understand her feelings, but maybe directness is misread by other people, maybe it's just not that common. in remembering other weird misunderstandings or unsettling, confusing interactions with people, or my default mode of appeasement/dissociation (which i'm doing my best to quit) i can take some of the blame off myself. the blame isn't autism's, either. this actually makes it easier to just be like, yknow, the other person DID act out of pocket about this. this stuff WAS kind of nothing and yes it COULD have been handled differently. but i also am not good at remaining in 1 fandom, placating anybody for all that long, keeping quiet, toeing whatever social line i'm "supposed to", and i know i have a hard time shaking off my values or like, morals?, even if it'd serve me better-- i'd like to be more flexible, while also being consistent, which is something really important to me in terms of how i'm read by other people. like nothing coming out of left field. but understanding other people may not have the perspective i do.

and that should be okay so long as it isn't actually hurtful. like everyone is different people. i agree with my friends more than i don't (makes sense) but i can't think of a situation where in a disagreement, my intent was to HURT, rather than express confusion/upset/anger. you can't ask questions online without sounding challenging, even if that same question can be expressed in real life with no problem. but i'm wondering if people more often remember how you made them feel, not the details within or surrounding it. and that's something to balance. i tend to be more critical of myself than other people, and default to an assumption of good intent first, but that's ALSO a good way to ignore important signs. and avoid the simple answer to "why would this person want to hurt me?" which might be "they don't care about you and they wanted to." i don't want to be a fucking pushover.

i might not know the "right" way to talk to people, but i know 100% that i do try, and in my adult life especially, have always tried. and i hope continuing to do that will yield a sense of comfort, ease, stability that i've been longing for since connections to other friends have become tenuous these past few years. my ideal is being comfortable in a group of people and not being scared of saying something wrong or having ~weird~ interests or expressing them in a weird way. i think this is also why trying to suck all the "ill-fitting" interests or aspects of things i like/myself, my comforts, my art, gender, sexuality, dress, everything, never worked-- i can't cultivate some kind of scene-based personality, i can't become a different person just because it'd be easier to navigate the world that way. it's not going to happen. and i guess that needs to be alright.

it is mournful to think about how like... even if my parents or schools had known, there's no way i would've been treated any better. it wouldn't have amounted to anything. i would've been bullied and abused more, if anything, or it would be the exact same as it is now-- maybe they would've never told me. so i can't even imagine a life where this would've offered some sense of freedom before now, but maybe i could've learned to be less expectant of myself faster. god i just remembering being so overwhelmed needing to lie down in the dark for a while. drawing in class was the best way to remember any of the information because it was tied to an action, which then grounded me in a time and place, and everything else fills in around it, the memory is built from the minute and outward. the missing spaces in memory are what's most unsettling because they're so exceptional to me. and thinking with shaky confidence starting around 5th grade like "i must be acting like everyone else, right?" even though the cold and irritated way with which people handled me pointed at something else. feeling wickedly ill at-ease basically my entire life, just uncomfortable, sick to my stomach, stressed, bearing all of that in mind. trying over and over. ugh. really frustrating, really sad. so many kids grow up like this.

AND MY FUCKING... ALLERGIES AND SENSITIVITIES AND AUTOIMMUNE DISORDER AND MY MAST CELL SHIT........................................ LIKE FOR FUCK'S SAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK okay

i don't have a good closer to this sorry lol

#my writing #actually autistic

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killyourpoet · 3 years

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What to expect on 12th September? (NEET 2021)

Hey everybody, if you're appearing for the NEET 2021 exam this Sunday (12th September 2021), I've compiled a list of some important things you might want to keep in mind.

The National Entrance-cum-Eligibility Test (NEET) is the national medical entrance exam in India. It is the only gateway into all medical schools in the country. It is conducted annually around May, but due to the COVID-19 pandemic, it has been postponed to September in 2020 and 2021. This year, 1.6 million students will be appearing for the exam.

[This list is by no means exhaustive, I only speak from my experience and the advice of friends and teachers. Feel free to add anything I might have missed out!]

How to make the most of this last week before the exam?

Do not experiment with anything new. Doing so might disturb the delicate subconscious programming that your brain has undergone through all these months of studying and practicing. By experimentation, I mean anything other than the routine that you've built while solving question papers. If you're used to starting with Biology, then moving on to Chemistry and ending with Physics, do not attempt to spice up your 3 hours by indulging in adventure sports like staring with Physics first. This will end in disaster.

Look through all the important things at least once. I know, I know. That's 10 fat books in one week. But remember that this is not the first time you're reading it. Skim. When you catch on something you're not too familiar with, only then should you actually read.

NCERT = holy book. Idk if you've heard but actually reading the books prescribed by the examining body will most definitely give you an edge over someone who hasn't. I cannot stress this enough. They will LITERALLY take out things from the NCERT and slap that onto the paper and call it a day. Remember that the examiners have to cater to those who do not have access to / cannot afford any sort of study material other than the NCERT. While study guides can help you interpret the NCERT, they cannot substitute it.

Have a plan. It doesn't have to be grand or very detailed. Just clearly defining what you intend to do with your time will suffice.

Set your internal clock. Practice at least one exam a day from 2:00 pm to 5:00 pm IST because that's when the actual exam is held. You want to maximize concentration and attention at that time of the day.

Practice answering on OMR sheets. This year, because of COVID, all your mock tests were probably online. In that case, take a few hours to practice exams on the OMR. The time management on that is very different from online exams.

Eat well. Remember to drink plenty of water. Try to eat things that have come directly from the earth and onto your plate. I know it's hard and the anxiety is enough to make you under eat / overeat but messing up because of something as trivial as meal choices would kinda suck tbh. Please do not eat an entire large pizza all by yourself the day before the exam. Stay the hell away from carbonated drinks for at least this one week. I am begging you. You might not notice but they seriously mess with your head. Whole foods are the way 2 go babes

What to expect on the day of the examination?

The NTA will be releasing the admit cards 3 days before the exam. Your exam centre and time slot to show up will be mentioned on it. This is most probably done to (a) prevent unfair practices and (b) give students enough time to visit the centre.

Know your exam centre beforehand. If you're living with your parents who will be driving you to the centre, you could even ask them to visit the centre the day before just so you don't waste time searching for the centre on the day of the exam. Believe me, a lot of people have lost an entire year because of this.

The peeing. Listen. They'll allow you to go to the washroom in the middle of the exam, of course. But if you ask me, try to avoid getting up to pee. Try to time your water such that you wouldn't have to pee during the exam. Please make sure you pee right before the exam. Idk about you but the exam pee has always been a real problem for me and together with my anxiety, it has ruined a lot of exams. It also breaks your momentum and you'll have to re-orient yourself when you get back. NEET isn't like JEE - it's not about how smart you are, it's about how efficient and accurate you are, because that's what a doctor needs to be.

Eat a light, nutritious meal. Something that'll give you energy but isn't too hard to digest. You don't want to nod off during the exam. That would be highly inconvenient.

Be on time. If you don't turn up on time, no matter what, you will not be allowed inside. Again, a lot of people I know have messed up here.

Security check. You will be checked before entering the centre. Do not wear anything dark (black, dark blue, dark brown etc). Do not wear jeans or any tight clothes. All your clothes must fit loosely and they must be light. This is done to prevent people from sneaking in transmission devices. If you wear long sleeves, you will be asked to cut them then and there. Do not wear heavily embroidered clothes. Do not have any metal on you. Take off all jewelry at home. If you wear a bra, remember to wear a sports bra or one that doesn't have any metal hooks. You can't wear shoes - your feet must be visible. Wear flip-flops or thin sandals. People have been made to take off their shoes before and write the exam barefoot. They will provide a fresh mask at the centre and gloves. This time, due to COVID-19 restrictions, they will not be doing body pat frisking, they will not be checking your ears and mouth. There will be bluetooth jammers in the exam hall to prevent any transmissions and the entire exam will be videographed.

Stay calm. I know it looks like a high security airport check and you'll probably be scanned several times and subjected to several layers of screening but remember - this is done so that nobody has an unfair advantage over you. India has incredibly clever people, but sometimes for the wrong reasons.

While writing the exam:

Don't panic. If you see a question that looks hard do! not! panic! because we always know more than we think we do!! Wait a second, linger for a moment and the answer should come to you.

Know what to leave. If you aren't aiming to get a perfect 720/720 then you should leave time consuming questions and try to do as many questions you know as possible. If you are aiming for a perfect score, do the same but remember that you need to leave sufficient time at the end to come back to them.

Repeat. Remember - this is just another one of the hundreds of exams you've done. Follow the same strategy you're used to. Most definitely DO NOT experiment in the final exam.

Lastly, always remember that ur super cool and smart and amazing and one mistake won't define you. Your worth is inherent and not determined by an exam. Your timeline is very different from someone else's. This is not a race, it's about doing things right. Your physical and mental health are more important than anything else in life. Do your best today and try again tomorrow. And then the day after that.

If you have any questions, feel free to message me :))

Best of luck!!

— Svante

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mightbewriting · 3 years

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So I came to W&H and B&E in an odd way. I'm a long time Dramione fic reader who like many of us doubled down on in 2020 to find comfort in a bananas year. I kept seeing W&H on everyone's rec list, but for whatever reason kept putting it off. Then I heard about the prequel and decided to wait for that to be finished, read it, then do W&H. But once it was finished, I saw you recommended W&H first so I was like okay I'll do that. I struggle with impulse control but am trying to do better so when I saw the audiobook for W&H I was like perfect, I'll listen rather than read that way I won't gobble it up in a day. Ha well that did not work, I listened to the first 3 chapters (at that time those were the only chapters they had recorded) then instantly ran not walked to A03, reread said chapters, then continued on. At Chapter 4 of W&H, I thought hmm maybe I'll read them simultaneously. I continued that way maybe through Chapter 13 of B&E and Chapter 7ish then fully committed to W&H first. I cannot imagine reading these fics in real time because reading them in full, back to back was the most intense glutenous binge and it's taken over my life in the best way. I have been living in your fictional universe for the past two weeks. I started a list of all the parallels and callbacks and eventually had to call it because they are innumerable. I'm awed. In literal awe. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Your writing - the individual words of your vast vocabulary, the way you string said words together into hilarious, heart breaking, heart stopping, beautiful, and visceral feelings is astounding. It's hard to explain but even good writers (and/or an intriguing plot) sometimes do not create an overall immersive feeling. But the feelings your words evoke are all encompassing and truly universe building. Like it's not just the wording or the plot or the charters but all of it together come to make something even greater than the sum of their parts. Your writing, your universe of W&H, S&S, and B&E live in my mind and heart and in an embarrassing amount of screenshots of passages on my phone and in voice memos to myself as I don't have anyone irl to fan girl with. When I think of your words and the world you built, I'm reminded of a Taylor Swift lyric: "it cut deep to know you, right to the bone". That is how I'd describe your writing's effect on me, but in the best way.

Your brain's capacity to plot, plan, and flawlessly deliver W&H THEN B&E? Idk how you kept all the threads and plot points and moments and timelines in check. My head aches just thinking about how you wrote these stand-alone but also inextricable works of art. Like how does one's brain function in such a level? And it's especially telling in B&E because we knew where we were going but I still gasped, screamed, squealed, giggled, had to put my phone down, clutched it to my heart, fist pumped, stopped half way through just for a minute to breath and take it all in, and overall looked and acted as an utter idiot during each and every chapter because while I knew where we were going I also had no idea! I'm just floored you managed to keep us at the edge of our seats with a prequel? Who does that? You do!

The texts in the final chapter of W&H devastated me, literal chills. I think about that daily. It's exactly what H and we needed. Just like a reminder of what they went through. It reminded me of Chapter 41 of B&E. Like a summary of where they had been and where they are now.

The other thing that rattled in my brain is the motifs of choice and time, life kind of boils down to those two things huh? But choice especially. It's funny because choice is so prominent but at the same time how W&H and B&E give off soulmate vibes even though this is not a soulmate fic (also are the rumors true...?!) because despite time turners, breakups, and lost memories, they always come back together. But more on choice: it's just as Draco says - in a million scenarios he'll always choose her and he feels lucky she chose him just once. But of course with W&H, she does it twice. And she does it in both timelines of B&E, and of course that's the problem when Draco realizes he has not done the same hence heartbreak 1.0. And just god - he wants her to have a choice with the potion, a choice with her memories, and stops the timey wimey madness by realizing he's taking her choice (and in a way H started it by taking away his choice and leaving the first time). And then those parts about how he chose her, she chose him, but they could not chose each other. This motif, these callbacks. I'm flabbergasted. It's just hitting me now that you extend the choice to us as readers - we get to choose whether H get her memories back or not.

Theo in all your Wait and Hope universe, but especially S&S broke me. Blaise asking who is taking care of Theo when he's taking care of everyone else? Theo's literal and figurative demons? Yikes. Those were unpleasant looks in the mirror for me. I'm glad Theo has his Blaise. Where's mine haha? Also just shout to your underrated Blaise. The fact that he might be my favorite of the Slytherians in your stories says a lot since he doesn't say a lot haha. But he packs such a punch in all your works.

Okay, after singing your well deserved praises and fan girling and marveling at your works (god this is so long, I'm so sorry!), at long last my ask. I still cannot get this out of my head: what did Theo mean in Chapter 1 of B&E when he suggests to Draco “I know that. Maybe you could—tell her some of—” some of what? I zeroed in on this as soon as I read it and it's been rattling in my brain ever since.

um. hi? holy shit. i dont know how to process this. i am resisting the impulse to cringe away from the level of praise happening here because i really need to learn how to take a compliment but oh my god? i am not...this is just...wowzers. you are very literally too kind to me. i have melted into a puddle of feelings in my reading chair here.

so, first things first: thank you. these are some of the nicest things i’ve ever heard about my writing and i can guarantee i will come back to this ask when I'm feeling like i suck and need a motivation boost. i can’t deny...it feels really nice to know that at least one person out there caught and appreciated some of the insane attention to detail i forced upon myself lol. so thank you. truly, thank you so much for saying such amazingly kind things that have short circuited my brain!

and im sure my friends at @etl-echo-audiobooks will be over the moon to know that their recording work was such a hit! your trajectory reading these stories is so fun and hilarious and probably the most unique reading experience i’ve heard so far xD

also, please be advised that your analysis on choice in these stories is probably going to live in my head rent free for the rest of my life. i feel seen, you know? you just...picked up what i was putting down and it feels really nice to know that it worked for you!

and ok. your question. that little dash of ambiguity i was planning on leaving open ended. but let it be known i can be plied with compliments. i can’t just *not* give you something in return for such a lovely and kind and thoughtful dose of joy you had absolutely no obligation to give me today.

so, in my mind, after draco’s house arrest ended and before he went abroad for his mastery, he and theo had an extensive (most likely drunken. also blaise was probably there too) night of reflection where they kind of just looked back at their childhoods and the war and the history of blood purity and just sort of went: “what the fuck?” i imagine draco probably confided in theo that when he went abroad, he planned to just try and pretend like none of it mattered, to see if that was really true. and draco probably kept him updated via owl (even though draco did not write enough and theo had feelings about that) so that by the time draco returned and we have theo asking that sort of trailing question, the implication at the end is “what if you told granger some of your realizations about it all?” so...not all that exciting? but there you have it!

in conclusion: thank you! you are too kind! i appreciate your thoughtful commentary SO much! i’m so happy you enjoyed these stories. and i hope the explanation of what theo was going to say wasn’t too underwhelming.

#thegirlwhowatchedeverything #asks #death by kindness #my death #i am dead #oh also yes #they rumors are true #im writing a soulmate story next #i intend to hurt you #you being ALL of you #*evil laughter*

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thatfilthyanimal · 3 years

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I really don't want to vent here but I also don't want to overload my friends so I'm just going to do it and suck it up, fuck it.

I feel pretty fucking horrible in a very deep way and I don't know how to talk to people about it. This started up around the beginning of April and I thought it was in relation to April just being generally rough on me because of how my dad died, but it hasn't let up yet. If anything, I feel worse. Way worse.

I'm guessing I need to raise the dosage of my medication and I'm actually really heartbroken about that in a way I don't know how to describe. How am I supposed to feel if shit is so horrible I have to take the highest possible dosage I can safely take of a medication? How am I supposed to feel calling up a psychiatrist I just told two months ago my dosage was stable and I was feeling great, to tell her "ha ha ha I high key hate life and want to die again, please, raise my shit so I can hold up the illusion that I'm not a fucking lost cause a little longer?"

So... some of the only stuff I'm really comfortable touching on here is the whole transphobia at the doctors, thing. After spending most of 2020 living at doctors because of unknown stomach pain and just trying not to fucking die from something during a global pandemic I'm at a loss now. Nobody ever figured out my pain issues, I've just changed around what I eat and it seems better... Sort of? But mostly my existence in general hurts because coming out as trans to my newer doctors has been... uncomfortable. Now it feels like every time they "ma'am" me or pointedly call me "a woman" or "female" in a phone call (where I'm specifically asking for help regarding getting on testosterone) I want to claw myself out of my own skin and bury myself deep in the ground where nobody ever has to see me again.

Literally all the shit that I was terrified of that kept me from admitting to myself I was trans this entire time is fucking real and-- I'm weak, I'm fucking weak and scared and tired because I've never needed so much help with something so desperately in my life and the ONE PLACE I should be able to get help from I'm... terrified of, now. I just want to cancel all my future appointments and just never leave my house again because what is the fucking point. I'll never look right and I'll never be taken seriously and my weight is always an issue some-fucking-how regardless of the actual problem, so just. Fuck. Why leave. Why go anywhere. Why try to take care of myself anymore just. why.

I knew this would happen if I came out, I knew admitting I was trans would be a challenge of my ability to continue to love myself and... you know, I do, I do love myself, and coming out has proven that more than anything, but the cost of that almost feels like it outweighs the euphoria of being myself.

But now I'm in that weird middle-state of my body and voice not "matching" my gender and nobody taking said gender seriously and. What do I do. I'm so terrified of this happening at another doctor's office that it hurts to try to reach out. Literally the nearest doctors that might help me are an hour and a half out in Chicagoland, if not Chicago proper. And things feel so uncomfortable here where I am that I may literally need to drive that hour and a half just for basic health care, not just the hormone therapy and. Like. It hurts.

If I had figured this out sooner while I was in Champaign, there was an endocrinologist there and the city was super LGBTQIA+ friendly and I'm kicking myself for not doing something before I moved three hours away. Getting help could have been maybe a 15 minute drive in my own city instead of an hour and a half into the heart of Chicago, which, btw, I fucking hate driving in because everyone out there drives like a crazy asshole.

Idk. I'm tired and I'm scared and worn down and I don't know how to ask for help. I tried with one of my local friends but, well, their life is busy and its always "oh I forgot to ask my friend about that place here that would help you, sorry, there's been so much going on" but. It's been months now. They were the one that suggested I reach out to said people about whatever place it is, and I don't want to be rude but also... are you going to help me? Because it sounds like my sorry ass is stuck going to Chicago in a global pandemic to get T and I'm really upset about it.

Like, if my friend can't even see it as important than I guess I just have to do everything alone. Just like I've had to with BPD.

This is getting way longer than I meant, and it's not even the worst thing just. I'm feeling vulnerable and isolated as hell and I need more support than I have and I'm too scared to ask for it. And most of the people I know can't do jack or shit about it because there's really nothing they can do, so like. Why ask them. Why tell them. Idk.

I'm talking to a therapist too, have been for months, and she's nice but she's not great for trans issues. She's supportive but it's not her specialty. Because I have borderline I have to kind of choose my battles when it comes to therapists... There are therapists that handle BPD and therapists that handle trans issues but my insurance doesn't cover one that specializes in both at once in this town. And BPD is super misunderstood-- the wrong therapist may admit me for just passive suicidal ideation not realizing it's a common and (generally non-life-threatening) part of BPD that doesn't hold real threat. Getting a therapist for trans issues that doesn't know how to read the weight of my depression/anxiety/suicidal thoughts and call them correctly is dangerous and... that's its own problem. I have to choose my battles here and it's really hurting me.

Like I really don't know what to do. Do I get a second therapist and risk that they may not understand BPD and may be overwhelmed and scared to work with me? God. I've never had two therapists at once and the thought is... idk. It hurts.

I just want to feel okay, and I don't. And I'm more tired and scared and feeling misunderstood than I've ever been and the idea of reaching for help is terrifying me. This feels like stuff I should only be unloading on a therapist, not my friends... my friends deserve better than that. But also I'm well aware of how my friendships will go if I start to use them to vent and seek help like this.

Idk. I wish I knew how to talk about everything that's wrong right now but I... can't. It sounds horrible and mean when I say it all and I don't want people to look at me like I'm fragile and someone to pity, but that seems to be my life and how people are going to view me. I basically exist as an example of what not to be. So. Idk. I'm tired and I want help but I'm scared to ask for it.

Past friends have taught me that if I seek help and cry to them that I'm a Problem that they need to distance from and. It hurts. There may be friends that do genuinely want me to come to them and I don't know how to try; the idea scares the shit out of me. Everyone I've ever opened up to (besides my partner) has eventually grown sick of me and I can't handle losing what support I have right now.

I need to hush cause this sounds blamey and I don't mean it that way. My life is just... highkey fucked and I'm trying to hold on and struggling about it.

I don't regret finally admitting to both myself and everyone else that I'm trans, but fuck, the weight of this level of medical rejection on top of the BPD feelings interfering with my ability to reach to friends for help just... it's so much. And I feel guilty complaining about it at all.

And every time I post something public about it I'm just giving people insight on why they should avoid me, or worse, exactly what they can do/say if they want to hurt me.

#personal #bpd #trans issues and dysphoria yayyy #suicidal ideation yaaaaaaaaay #come to filthy's brain where we have #sadness!#regret!#dread!#trust issues!#fear of abandonment!!#it's great it's fun and I'm definitely not typing tags to stall hitting the post button hoooo #shit

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bookofmariokingofmaiami · 3 years

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This is the second time making this post because i am angry as fuck because for some reason when I added the names it didn't save so I'm doing this shit again

Hey! I had a stupendus idea, the past few days I've gathered a bunch of mitten squad quotes and captain sauce quotes

Soooo, I'll put wich book of mario characters would say each quote and we'll see what happens

Yes I know 99% of the mitten squad quotes is gonna be bolivia and carbon

Also, some quotes reference characters and locations, so I'll put an [ ] with what I think the book of mario counterpart would be

MITTEN SQUAD SEGMENT

Lewis:"I have successfully turned an ordinary kitchen utensil into the most valuable fork in the known universe, no one man should have this kind of power, but I am not mortal man, as a sexualy identity as a big rock being thrown into the ocean"

Princess of peaches, talking about 1 TEC-20"The robot wasn't able to pick the lock and I lacked the fire power to blow the bitch open"

Marc:"I left a broom there too so my bucket wouldn't be lonely"

Carbon:"Calm down vegetarians I am talking about animals in video games, animals in real life matter way less"

Barney one:"Killing it isn't the hard part, the hard part is getting away from the explosion of the goddamm Nagasaki bomb strapped up its ass that was rigged to explode once it died"

Bolivia:"Todd Howard [barbie], even in death you find a way to fuck me"

Bolivia:"We came back to the little shit with the ant problem and killed most of the ants, I left one alive for the boy, either he becomes a man or that ant will have a very good day"

Goomb:"Me brain fixed gud no hurt no more"

Marc:"Picked up trash for the make a wish kid"

Bolivia, talking about maria:"Because she hits like a bull with down syndrome and has the personality of a piece of plywood"

Belize:"You might be wondering, who is the boy and who is the girl? I won't give it away but I will say this, the knife is a whore"

Maria:"I had armor, i had supplies, i had pockets full of room temperature tomatos"

Bolivia:"For some reason I thought that stupid the horse v2 could fly, bad decision on my part"

Carbon:"For some reason this shrapnel character had 200 BB's, what a weirdo, who caries around 200 BB's?, anyway, I talked to daddy and brought my 300 BB's and headed off to clear off the Jefferson memorial"

Goverman::"Get a juice box and strap on your helmet, because we're going to hell"

Carbon:"I punched a puppy to death"

Marc:"My iq is similar to that of a 14 year old block of cheese"

Lewis:"Theres an oxygen exhaust pipe, the second best tipe of pipe to suck on to keep yourself alive, for those who need hand holding, that was not a drug reference, this is a family friendly channel, it was a suicide joke"

Bolivia:"I got an amazing slow motion shot of dogmeat getting fucked to death by a nuclear warhead"

Maria:"My only option was to become a vampire, wich sucked"

Bolivia:"But just as when like how every virtual dog goes to hell when it dies, what the fuck does that even mean?"

Carbon:"I took advantage of a unconscious military officer and beat him to death"

Barney one:"Nothing else says more victory than overdosing on drugs after a war"

Prof. Ceasar reality:"And decided to go to the much bigger and much more research facility x-13 research facility facility center, WHAT? I think I had a stroke"

Bolivia:"Used more than 3% of my frag mines to blow up a dog"

Carbon:"The last few coursers ran for their non existence lives and I went after them because I'm not letting anyone get away, one got away"

Maria:"I got a warning saying that nuka world is intended for those level 30 or above, Mathematics show us that me being lv11 is close enough to lv30"

Carbon:"Killed a pain-maker and got a glimpse into the big G in the sky who manifested himself as a fire axe floating in the air, this voodoo shit has no place in zion so I chopped of the pain-maker's legs and arms so If there is an afterlife he will be a cripple in hell for all eternity"

Goverman:"Its head turned into jelly, I threw its egg down into the nightmare bellow, and then I jumped after it"

Carbon:"A herd of big hornets paid the ultimate price for being alive"

Goverman:"Used his gun to turn off a woman"

Maria:"Me being the player can't open the door, theres a know you have to twist it its a whole process"

Goverman explained why maria survived the fall:"One of them belonged to God and refused to die"

Goombell, talking about hoko saba:"The dragon I pretended to not exist a few minutes ago is one of my mom's friend's kids so I had to play with him even tho he's weird"

Belize:"There was no hamster's luck in a garbage disposal chance that I would follow this giant fuck all the way to the cit ruins"

Lewis:"Along the way i saved a shopping cart from drowning and returned it to its family"

Prof. Ceasar reality:"Its about 24 million cheez its away from New vegas"

Bolivia:"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to bedworld"

Carbon:"With enough notches in my pistol to spell psychopath in braille"

Gooverman:"I spie with my little eye a ville whore who deserves to die, I cleaved her back in half with my stick and what I saw was glorious"

Maria?:"Its kinda like playing the floor is lava, but you can't see the lava and instead of burning to death you turn into a vegetable"

IDK"I hid from Ringo by hiding in ringo"

Bolivia:"The plate worked as well I thought it would, wich means it didn't work"

Bolivia:"There was a 3 for 1 discount on dead raiders if you use the promo code granade at checkout"

Belize:"The only explanation is that has a 5th appendage wich he pulls out on special occasions, wich probably isn't the case, we all know elmo doesn't pull out"

Goomb:"You don't need those things, Jesus got trough his life without any guns"

Goombape:"When i played it as a children"

Barbie:"Its like how you don't know if your life has any meaning until you die and see your score"

Belize:"This was the most stealth oriented part of the game by a metric mile"

Bolivia:"I stripped him naked, talked with Elliot [lewis] whose face bothered me for some reason,Talked with the samurai[maria], talked with red dead redemption [barney one]"

Carbon:"Some idiot spilled red paint on the clouds"

Bolivia:"Before traveling with the wizard, I spent some time pestering earnie with the prospect of friendship, by walking back and forth in front of him, making him think i wanted to talk to him just for me to keep on walking,I was voted the quietest guy I high-school and I know how loud earnie is screaming inside his head right now, it's kinda fun to be in this side of it :) ,also this isn't related to the video in any way, I just wanted to make it known that i have a sealed copy of elmos letter adventure for Nintendo 64 and you don't"

Maria:"I knew I could use that as a lighthouse of sorts in order to cast myself further into the ocean until i drowned in my own disappointment"

Goombell:"Vulpes[carbon] was adopted, his mother is both infertile and imaginary"

Belize:"Being alone is mental, you can be surrounded by friends family laughs and love on Christmas morning and still be alone in your head"

Bolivia:"I acted in self defense by committing various war crimes"

Carbon:"My throwing spears were broken and wouldn't fly,stupid fucking game"

Bolivia:"That wasn't a lie, it just wasn't the truth"

Maria:"If there's anything Shaun b knows to do is die"

Boombell:"The number of bear traps I activated for sexual reasons turned my angles into a fine powder"

Goverman:"Where the grass is green and the air is even greener"

IDK"I consulted a doctor who flucked out of medical school and followed his advice by killing myself"

Belize:"Being a futuristic[X-nauti], nazi dominated world version of polly poc,etc it has its own set of drawbacks"

Marc:"They're mass effect 3 of fallout 3's 5th dlc, I've never played mass effect"

Lewis:"Who loves their father like how their brother loves his mother's sister"

Carbon:"Like most existential crises it went away after I killed somebody"

Carbon:"If you're wraped in chains and dropped into an empty bathtub to drown, a snorklew won't save you"

Goombape:""A wise man once said "hi! Jeanie may's here" and he's right, there has to be a better way""

Browser:"After it took 3 grown man to kidnap a baby with a gun"

goldbob:"The lever action gun riffle can kill a mutant in a single shot if you land a shot that can kill it in one hit"

Maria:"Its 2020, Noone wants to use their hands anymore"

Bolivia:"Before journeying into more death, some jackass hit me with a granade and killed me, not the explosion, the granade bouncing off my soon to be corpse is was what made me dead"

Belize:"Some Neanderthals gave me their bullets to hold in a pretty rude way >:("

Princess of peaches:"Im not worried about offending blind people, it's not like they'll be watching this"

Carbon:"30 seconds is longer than you'd think, ask anyone whose been on fire"

Lewis:"I was as useful as a comatose toddler with a nerf gun at pearl harbor"

Goomb:"I also poused the challenge to satisfy the curiosity of mine regarding the birds in the sky that Don real because birds aren't exist"

Marc:"Any doctor worth their weight in styrofoam cups can fix a leg with their feet"

Bolivia:"I had me a silenced weapon, but I didn't account for today being his birthday, this changes everything, so I shaped for hollow point"

Carbon:"Maybe if Steve earlin had a gun instead of a snorklew he'd still be alive today"

Marc:"It took me 30 minutes and 3 phone calls to get my food because I'm too much of a pussy to go outside at 10 o'clock at night while drunk in a Christmas sweater after news year to steal my own food of one my neighbors doorstep"

Maria:"We've got rogue, tank dampse, and squidword"

Lewis;"And they're no joke, but I am, I am the big joke and my body is the punchline"

Bolivia:"I got mentally Nagasaki'd by this guy at the stables"

IDK"And went outside where Victor is unhappy with me, after killing Victor, Victor came out of the lucky 38 to avenge victor"

Bolivia:" i shot a kid, i sent that little bitch to the moon"

Sushiya, testing her products:"The door was of its axis, a plate was misbehaving on the chair, a cattle was dancing on the table like the whore she is"

Carbon:"And went shopping for dead bodies, they weren't in stock, but i know a guy who knows a guy who could help me out, both of those guys are me"

Bolivia:"Now vault yosh is I your head too, and he won't be going anywhere"

Maria's son:"As much of a monster that I look like, I think it's gonna work"

Sushiya:"But you know what they say, imagination is what happens when annoyance meets drug use"

Carbon:"If they're stupid enough to be in my way they might as well be my enemy"

Goverman:"But the slippery bastard was too clever, he walked around it, I didn't even know that such a maneuver was even possible"

IDK"Homeland security at this point has yet to be impregnated by a sentient barrel of oil"

Bolivia:" if I drunkenly put a giant hole on my sink with a goddam coffee cup imagine what I could do with a gun"

Belize:"Got ambushed in the freezer while searching for chicken nuggets"

Goverman:"But the fucken bullet Williams come flying out of fucking nowhere"

Maria:"The next second you're in a universe where everything that exists is the sick bastard child of a drunken fuckfest between a pin screen and a light brush"

Bolivia:"Ask the cashier if they have a granade, if they say no, say nothing for a few seconds, put a big smile, put your hands on theirs and quietly ask, would you like one?"

Sean hampton:"Can't do anything until I have my arms around a fat man"

Barbie:"The premise of this run is that I have no arms and I must dab"

Maria's son:"I told you before that I was a genetic disaster"

Bolivia:"And in that cabin, theres some west Virginian mountain folk who are so deep in incest that one of them somehow managed to be his own father"

Bolivia:"Can you hear that? It's…. It's an air conditioner! And it's so fucking anoying, aw no I hurt it's feelings :( "

Goverman:"He could probably put the end of his musket inside his mouth, pull the trigger and still miss"

Barney one:"The big beaver ended his life in stile, he even made a summersault into the afterlife"

Goverman:"Im a good Christian boy, I'll save my ammo for my suicide"

Carbon:"I am not Cinderella, I'm a parasite"

IDK"I played with a doggy too, it used the flesh on my arm as a chew toy, and I booked his nose with a nuclear newspaper to show that that kind of thing isn't allowed in the mitten squad household"

Sean hampton:"The crusable is a magical weapon like divorce papers, capable of tearing everything it comes across in half"

Barbie:"The curse of grandma sparkle managed to reach me all the way in hell"

Barney one:"If you are gonna get a cat, you might get a gun aswell"

Belize:"Corn on the Joe sat back not helping his brother's"

Carbon:"I bought 24 regular bullets,28 hollow points, and 60 that need to wear a helmet"

Bolivia:"After the squad died I had to content with the leftovers, the scraps, statically speaking the majority of what remained"

Lewis:"What I need to face is like a toddler with a learning disability, that would be fair"

Carbon:"I took both left eyes of this dead guy "

Carbon:"It took longer to pull out the Esther than it took of kill the general"

Sushiya, while high:"Deeper inside shit got weird, i killed a giant skeleton right? Nothing weird about that, but then his body just kinda danced in place really slowly, I tought speeding up time would fix it, that was a massive fucking mistake, and changing time back to normal was an even bigger mistake, he'll be hunting me until I die, but until then he'll still be dancing"

CAPTAINSAUCE SEGMENT

Carbon:"They're old, how hard can it be to turn them into blueberry jam and ram them into the grass"

Belize:"I guess if you do electrocute a tank enough it would just explode"

Boliviz:"Id have a better chance of finding a snowball down here than winning a coin toss"

Marc:"How does my Christmas lights break to a stiff breeze but these ones are practically terminators"

Barney one:"I never tought id see the day where I would have to hire a sniper to assassinate a troublesome light bulb but here we are "

Lewis:"I get the feeling if you try to milk a minotaur then you're gonna be its wife"

Sushiya:"In the history of mankind do you think we've ever seen a snake fight an octopus?"

Goverman:"Lets see if you can wobble your way trough the grim reaper" [the grim being carbon]

Goldbob:"Its a steaming pile of something ill tell you that much"

Goverman:"He died? How! Did he have an allergic reaction to the sun?"

Goomb:"Michelangelo is Swiss cheese and where good to go"

Bolivia:"It really looks like I'm taking a sharpened stick to a bazooka fight"

Maria:"HOW DID I GO FROM FIGHTING AN OCTOPUS IN A SUIT TO WW3???"

Princess of peaches, talking about 1TEC-20:"Im playing pictionary with a blind robot"

maria:"Theres on the nose dialogue and then there's punch you in the nose dialogue"

Bolivia, talking about barney one:"This lady looks like her father was half refrigerator"

IDK"Im supposed to sabotage the mail missile assembly line but it looks like someone got here before me"

Belize?:"And the ghosts of previously murdered pianos???"

Maria:"Im getting outsmarted by puppets"

Bolivia:"After careful deliberation with my associate we've come to the conclusion that the local government must have Removed all quarters from circulation, the laundromat went under and before you know it the entire society fell into nudism and then anarchy "

Carbon?:"This is like the hunger games of sesame street"

IDK"Im a weird shotgun santa"

Garlic?:"Oh damm! CTHULO IS THICC"

Krump:"What kind of interdimensional time traveling toilet is this?"

Carbon:"Wheater it be cultural appropriation or demonic abomination, i don't realy care im just gonna try to hit it with a pee bucket"

Carbon:"THIS IS THE MEDIEVAL RUSSIAN VERSION OF DRIVING INTO BATTLE WITH A TANK BUT SHOOT PEOPLE WITH A BB GUN"

Belize::"I DIDN'T KNOW GRANNY WAS TAKING GRAVEDIGGER TO CHURCH THIS MORNING"

Goombell:"This isn't a bridge its just the worlds weakest motorcycle trebuchet "

Bolivia:"Oh hellow mr berry"

Carbon:"Giant alien space worm 2020, make America worm poop again"

Bolivia:"When did snuffy[barney one] decide to judas me and join the hobbits?[origamis]"

Lewis:"Theres a surprisingly high amount of chickens in this map and a dramatic lack of eggs"

Bolivia:"Im pretty sure we've sent the first claim to the moon"

Maria:"And yet I'm forced to defend myself from stuff like bloodthirsty scp's using nothing but uncooked t-bone stake, I mean technically its doable but it doesn't make It any less ridiculous"

Barbie:"What's the point of a metal detector if literally everyone here has somekind of cybernetic, like I swear to God If I walk trough here aND you guys start pounding the shit out of me just because I got a couple of extra inches of robo-dong IM GONNA BE PISSED"

Bolivia:"Everyone's wearing slick black suits meanwhile I look like somebody skinned a couch from the 70s"

Sushiya:"Is this bacon flavored weed or weed flavored bacon?"

Sean hampton:"Do you think that Darth Vader ever had to deal with a rebel or a henchmen who was into getting chocked? Like starts force checking them and they tell him to go harder?"

Koopley:"I was stabbed to death by a naked man with a spear and my arm is perpetually running"

Koop kotu:"So I'm crazy enough to be locked behind bars but not crazy enough to think I can fly*

Bolivia:"Usually spooders have 8 arms not 8 abs"

Carbon:"I just bludgeoned Jesus to death with a stick of meat, I'm guessing he's gonna be back in a couple of days he's gonna be looking for me so we'll start running now"

Carbon:"Im done with words, shooty goody time"

Maria?:"Id have a better time cutting down bushes then these strange little robo hobits"

Belize:"Dad this is not the time to be dancing with crabs!"

Maria:"Thats my little brother, who has a fully posable deny devito action figure,I've always been jealous of that one"

Bolivia:"The turns are tabbleling"

Maria, talking about barbie:"She's not exactly the brightest tool at the picnic"

Belize:"Are you kidding me mom? Realy?, you were the one that said you're sick of seeing donkey kongs donkey dong"

Maria:"I have no idea what was in that Wonster energy drink that made him go master roshe style"

Bolivia:"I want to file a complaint against Stacy [belize] for T-posing to assert Dominance over me"

Marc:"Believe it or not dangling a padlock the size of a shoebox from a doorknob does as much work as I want to"

Caesar reality:"You can never have too many rotten floor bananas"

Carbon:"Poisoning your boss is probably not the best way to skip work, but ya boy gotta do what he has to do"

Goverman:"I'll take nicknames of my penis for 300$ alex"

Starvinden?:"I guess we'll just leave you in your special sarcophagus mr tutan-deez-nuts"[browser]

Lewis:"I've been skipping work for 2 weeks now and I'm starting to think that my computer isn't even plugged in"

Bolivia, talking to maria:"Your suit smells like a wet fart and your mouth smells like a ashtray"

Bolivia:"If anyone needs me I'll be on the insane asylum, why am I caressing a mannequin on top of a boat?"

Carbon:"Would you like to hang yourself or be crucified? Dealers choice!"

Bolivia talking about carbon:"He's doing something ingenious probably diabolical……..or he's dressed as a panda"

Marc:"We should really pay for security around here not only are people breaking in there is also a giant spine breaking chickens"

Maria to Bolivia:"You are very angry at that stake"

Sushiya, after using its products:"I wonder why was I twerking at the office statue"

IDK"WHY IS THERE A GIANT NAKED MAN IN THE LOCKER CHOCKING ME TO DEATH WITH A CHAIN??!!!"

goombell:"I guess we're gonna leave the cookie monster dildo in the locker"

Sean hampton, to Maria:"My love for you is like diarrhea, sometimes I just can't hold it in"

Bolivia:"You're watching me In a Google video platform playing a game from a Google gaming platform that was translated using Google translate, if this isn't a dystopian future I don't know what is"

Bolivia?:"I couldn't have predicted the run after her like a velociraptor made out of pool noodles"

Lewis:"Jumping Jack neighbor help me!"

Bolivia:"Bread! There's no bread,there's your bread! That's a cookie God dammit"

Belize:"So I can be invited to the worlds saddest birthday party"

Maria:"I guess we're playing ring around the Rosie till I lose his dumb ass"

Carbon:"If you see jehovah's witness you tell them to eat shit"

Bolivia:"HOW CAN YOU AFFORD A GUARD BIRD AND NOT A DOOR STOP?"

Bolivia::"For my shopping list I need to find a floppy disk with a s, but for the distraction I could use a floppy dick with sunglasses and a tie"

Carbon:"I really hoped that your little bird bath had a couple inches of water so I could steal a tiny toaster to throw it in with you"

Belize::"Its pretty safe to say Mr voice bad Benjamin good, but we just saw Benjamin talk with the grim reaper and pull around a cart wich is about the size of a child's body"

Goombell:"She may have a crush on the interdimensional death fox"

Maria:"Its like the herpes of craft supplies"

Barney one:"Everyone wants to split checks for keano Reaves, even if they're a 10ft dragon made out of logos and seizures what is going on right now?"

Sushiya, high, again:"When I dilapidated the banana and poked the mayo's brain then had an indept conversation with the strawberry cocoon did bread get arrested? I didn't see the police come by, that would make sense because the alcoholic cat ran away"

Carbon:"IF THEY HAVE AN ASS TO PULL PUNS OUT OF THEY HAVE TO HAVE A BRAIN TO THINK THEM UP"

Goombell:"I think I graduated for the university of food torture"

Well, this is all, took some time but it's here, hope you enjoyed

Frequent reblogers

<《{[(@boom-fanfic-a-latta )]}》>

<《{[( @gumdorp )]}》>

PLEASE REBLOG!

#funny #mario #paper mario #book of mario #bolivia #mary #barbie the bob omb #1000 infernal air sleeves #quotes #captainsauce #mitten squad #paul #goomb #goverman #goombell #carbon

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emilx311 · 3 years

Text

Life Update

Hey all, so I pretty much vanished off the internet for the past few months (whoops sorry about that) but things have been crazy irl! Here’s a bit of a summary for those who were wondering what happened to me:

So, for context sake a few fun facts about me. I work as a night auditor at a hotel and have done so since August 2019, I graduated Uni with a degree in Justice Studies in 2018, and I have several minor but chronic health issues that lead to me being very low energy-ie having less spoons than a normal person and needing more sleep.

Aside from the issues already inherent with 2020′s....everything we had several more personal issues at my (I say my because I work there) motel. Mainly around staffing, and especially around night audit staffing.

Since I was hired we’ve gone through 5 or 6 other night auditors (I think? maybe more). And they often.....quit with barely any notice. So, being our only consistent night auditor I’ve been called in last minute several times over the past year leading to 6 or even 7 day weeks. (Not Fun!)

Even when we have had another trained night auditor with us they often also do day shifts since we only need them for 2 nights a week. Turn over for day-shift people has been barely lower than turn over for night shift, which has led to them having to be called in last minute to cover day shifts when people left which means I also had to be called in last minute to cover the night shifts they were no longer able to do, leading to us all working 6 or even 7 day weeks (Super Not Fun!)

In summary: I’ve worked more overtime days than I have had vacation days in this last year. Heck, the last time I tried to go on vacation for like 5 days I got called in every other day and my boss (our regional manager) paid me double for the shifts I worked and refused to touch my vacation pay because even he acknowledged that was in no way a real vacation at that point (this was at the beginning of September btw...)

This was all compounded when our general manager (gm) left in late July. Her reason for leaving was super fair since she got a better job offer, similar pay to what she was making, less work since she would no longer have to do all the duties our boss should have been doing but was instead pushing off unto her. Super sad to see her go but wished her the best (still miss her) :(

This left our under manager (gsm) and me as the main people in the hotel (ie those who have been there the longest, only the gsm and housekeepers had been there longer than I had at that point-and I had not even reached my 1 year yet). Which, not super great, but the other people we had were okay so we would manage. So the gsm and I held things together and started basically running the hotel (shout out to the gsm here because I love her and she is actually like 5 years younger than me but has accomplished so much more, I am in constant awe of her tbh). Our boss (who is....kind of dumb sometimes) realized this. We became his golden girls (he plays favorites hard).

It is at that point that someone above our boss’s level in the company (he’s in charge locally, but we do belong to a large corporation, ah capitalism) hired disaster #1 as our first new gm. Disaster #1 was creepily cheerful and utterly dismayed to find out his job actually involved him doing work! Like working at the front desk during his shifts and doing manager stuff instead of it just being him sitting in the back looking important and giving us encouragement occasionally. He payed no attention to his training. He did very little of his basic work let alone the manager stuff. He took credit and praised “the team” whenever something went right and pushed blame off him unto everyone else as hard as he could when something went wrong (I once pointed out he forgot to do something and he legit said to me “can you prove it was me?” I said “yes” very firmly.)

Now, as the auditor my job is to spot, point out, and fix errors. He hated coming in to to work after me because I spotted and pointed out everything he missed or did incorrectly. At first just because I happened to notice them. Then it became personal, he cornered me one morning at shift change and told me that he dreaded coming in to work after me because I was always so critical, and he had so much to do during his shifts other than just front desk stuff (he did not, most of the “manager” stuff he was even trained in doing at this point he shoved off unto the gsm) he then disparaged the gsm. I was done, I was pissed (you do not say mean things about my gsm, nope, not okay, I will cut and slab you*) and kind of hurt (why are you taking my corrections as personal attacks? Why are you saying I’m mean for doing my job?) So, if he wanted to make it personal I decided to make it personal and made it my mission to find and point out everything he did wrong, no more overlooking small things as I had been. The pressure of actually having to work made him quit (shocking, not!).

It was also around this time that I signed up for an LSAT prep course. Because I hate myself and now that I’ve been working for a couple years and have some money saved up I want to follow through on my plan to get either a Law Degree or a Masters Degree and so am working on taking the LSAT and applying to law schools. No, studying has not been going well, time and energy have also been preventing that.

Fast forward a couple months and 2 of our best employees went on holiday (one they had scheduled months before). It’s the start of January, they will be gone for two months. In that time our boss had hired our next gm, idiot #2. Just as these two leave the other front desk person we’d been training quits with no notice. We are short staffed....again (yay more 6 and 7 day weeks, ack). To fill in this gap our boss brings in idiot #3 from one of the other 2 hotels in the area our company owns.

Idiot #2 is semi okay, he is not manager material, even months after he was hired to be gm he does not have the training and is basically just a front desk agent. He is bad about doing things himself unless you specifically direct him to with very clear instructions, but he can do the minimum (although he failed the coffee test. After idiot #1 I wrote out very, VERY specific instructions for how to clean our coffee station....he is not able to follow them. The gsm and I joked about the coffee test after I first wrote the instructions, that someone actually failed it....we despair). So, he does not think ahead, do any extra, or solve many problems but at least he rarely creates problems.

This brings us to idiot #3. I do not know what goes on in his head (very little likely) but man oh man. Some examples: the time he-after being asked like 4 times-actually sign off on the checklist after cleaning the laundry room (as everyone is supposed to once a shift) but did so in sharpie instead of one of the many dry-erase markers left around the front desk for no other reason than the clearly laminated sign off sheet. Or the time he decided on his own to give someone a satisfaction refund, far larger than it should have been (which only managers and those with special permission can do in any of the hotels, so he should know better but somehow....)

We have a book for front desk to write messages on about issues for the next people. Usually we have a note or two on any given day. Pretty much every day he worked it was full and even going onto the next page. Idk how, it’s like he touched something and issues sprung up. and Guess who got to be the one to fix all of them (woooo).

For the past few weeks I have had 2 days a week where the only people who worked were me and idiots #2 and #3. It’s been horrible. In addition, my days off were changed for these months so I haven’t been able to meet my one bubble inclusive friend to vent like we usually do once a week, because that time no longer fit in my schedule. I have been living in exhaustive hell for the past couple months, and even before that as I tried to lighten the gsm’s load as much as I could as she took on a lot of the gm stuff. My house is a mess, tbh my life is a mess because work has left me so tired and stressed that I basically get home, shower, collapse onto bed, read a bit, sleep, wake-up, find some sort of food, get ready for work, go to work, and repeat. Even on my days off I’m sleeping 75% of the time and resting to try and shore up my spoons (of which I already have fewer than most people) to get through the work week.

tl;dr Due to ridiculousness I ended up unofficially co-running a hotel and it’s sucked up so much of my energy that all my free time is pretty much spent sleeping just to ensure I’m able to get through my work weeks semi-functionally. Everything about my life has been a mess, to the point where I’m legit not sure how I’ve been keeping myself fed, clean, on meds and just generally....alive.

#personal #emi says #life update #about my 2020 and early 2021 #it's been hell #and not for the usual reasons #no #I'm not okay #but that's fine #that's pretty normal at this point tbh

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mallowstep · 3 years

Note

(Reedwhisker anon)

The Erin's don't say and Reedwhisker is made an apprentice around the same time Ashfur and Ferncloud were, thereabouts I'd expect. (Both Brindleface and Mistyfoot were pregnant at the same time. I think Brindle's litter is a moon or 2 older though. Idk.) But he has been through ALOT. When I realized Mistyfoot didn't mention her kits in Canon I assumed those whose bones were mixed in with Bonehill, but then I noticed Reedwhisker in TNP and investigated him, found out he was Reedpaw, Misty's kit, and had the same thoughts you did. Mistyfoot, who wouldn't stop training Featherpaw even though she, too, was starved? Mistyfoot who watched her brother die but kept on going for Stormpaw and Featherpaw? Like...forget her own son in Canon? Like she would have told Grey and Fire to take Feather and Storm and she'd have gone back for her son. Her only surviving kit. She made him her fucking deputy, a mother's love is literally the MOST painful life a leader receives. In Misty AU, there is no Choice. It sucks, it's fucking painful, but Featherpaw is dying and they need to get out. But I can also see Reedpaw being the one of the few cats desensitized to EVERYTHING when Tigerstar loses all his nine lives? Man, I can even see him say "Oh...so this has happened now too. Can anything else get more fucked up?" Especially in Leopard AU. He's. Well in that one, he's seen and heard some shit. Now a leader's had all nine lives ripped from them with one blow and all clans have three days to get the fuck out or else? And Shadowclan just...flees back to their territory after trashing Riverclan's, their leader and medicine cat aren't talking (not that he can blame Leopardstar, he hates Mudfur too, by now.) He doesn't have a mentor anymore. (Not that Blackfoot really was one.) And he still hasn't seen his mother, or Feather, or Storm. But yay, his dad can actually treat him like he's his son again? So...that's something, I guess. Misty AU, after the Bloodclan battle, finding out his mom's pregnant with that monster's kits, like Twanypaw wasn't enough of a reminder. Tbh, I think he'd honestly have some beef with Twany. "You willingly gave up your mom, who loves you, and your brother, who also loves you and joined a fucking monster? Are you for real right now?" (In either AU, this warrior WOULD definitely have interrupted the Gathering once Blackstar announced Twanypelt's kits names. "You're letting her settle an innocent with that name, giving THAT Monster a fucking Legacy, and burdening her son with THE SAME SHIT SHE LEFT THUNDERCLAN FOR SHADOWCLAN FOR? ARE YOU FOR FUCKING REAL? BECAUSE THERE NEEDS TO BE A GOOD TIGER-WHATEVER THE FUCK? SHE'S A FUCKING SHITTY QUEEN, AND YOU'RE A SHITTY LEADER, BLACKSTAR.") Just...Reedpaw telling Stone or Misty everything he saw and heard that night Feathervand her escaped, Leopardstar's first death, how she struggled against Tigerstar and "he just held her head in the river and looked at her like she was a kit he was chastising." He shakes as he says this, choking on the last words, and Mudfur has to bring him poppy seeds to help him sleep that night. He gives me feels. In Canon he survives Tigerclan, Bloodclan, the destruction of the forest, the journey to the lake, the Great Battle, and now this whole no Starclan thing. If there was ever someone who needed therapy it's him...and I can't really see Reedwhisker being the type to think Misty didn't love him. He knows he was relatively safe compared to Feather and Storm, and...tbh I think he'd tell Misty she made the right choice. And I think that would probably break Mistyfoot's heart more in all three AUs then anything else. Feather's, too. (She's too kind, I swear.)

/nm but for the future if y'all don't mind trying to include some paragraph breaks for your local adhder that would be Appreciated. ik on the old ask box it's not possible but. if you're using the new one i really struggle with text walls. (it's ironic bc i tend to write them but.)

okay. gonna do sentence my sentence thing.

The Erin's don't say and Reedwhisker is made an apprentice around the same time Ashfur and Ferncloud were, thereabouts I'd expect.

(Both Brindleface and Mistyfoot were pregnant at the same time. I think Brindle's litter is a moon or 2 older though. Idk.)

But he has been through ALOT.

When I realized Mistyfoot didn't mention her kits in Canon I assumed those whose bones were mixed in with Bonehill, but then I noticed Reedwhisker in TNP and investigated him, found out he was Reedpaw, Misty's kit, and had the same thoughts you did.

Mistyfoot, who wouldn't stop training Featherpaw even though she, too, was starved?

Mistyfoot who watched her brother die but kept on going for Stormpaw and Featherpaw?

Like...forget her own son in Canon?

Like she would have told Grey and Fire to take Feather and Storm and she'd have gone back for her son. Her only surviving kit.

She made him her fucking deputy, a mother's love is literally the MOST painful life a leader receives.

In Misty AU, there is no Choice. It sucks, it's fucking painful, but Featherpaw is dying and they need to get out.

But I can also see Reedpaw being the one of the few cats desensitized to EVERYTHING when Tigerstar loses all his nine lives?

Man, I can even see him say "Oh...so this has happened now too. Can anything else get more fucked up?"

Especially in Leopard AU.

He's.

Well in that one, he's seen and heard some shit.

Now a leader's had all nine lives ripped from them with one blow and all clans have three days to get the fuck out or else?

And Shadowclan just...flees back to their territory after trashing Riverclan's, their leader and medicine cat aren't talking (not that he can blame Leopardstar, he hates Mudfur too, by now.)

He doesn't have a mentor anymore.

(Not that Blackfoot really was one.)

And he still hasn't seen his mother, or Feather, or Storm.

But yay, his dad can actually treat him like he's his son again?

So...that's something, I guess.

Misty AU, after the Bloodclan battle, finding out his mom's pregnant with that monster's kits, like Twanypaw wasn't enough of a reminder.

Tbh, I think he'd honestly have some beef with Twany.

"You willingly gave up your mom, who loves you, and your brother, who also loves you and joined a fucking monster? Are you for real right now?"

(In either AU, this warrior WOULD definitely have interrupted the Gathering once Blackstar announced Twanypelt's kits names.

"You're letting her settle an innocent with that name, giving THAT Monster a fucking Legacy, and burdening her son with THE SAME SHIT SHE LEFT THUNDERCLAN FOR SHADOWCLAN FOR? ARE YOU FOR FUCKING REAL?

BECAUSE THERE NEEDS TO BE A GOOD TIGER-WHATEVER THE FUCK?

SHE'S A FUCKING SHITTY QUEEN, AND YOU'RE A SHITTY LEADER, BLACKSTAR.")

Just...Reedpaw telling Stone or Misty everything he saw and heard that night Feathervand her escaped, Leopardstar's first death, how she struggled against Tigerstar and "he just held her head in the river and looked at her like she was a kit he was chastising."

He shakes as he says this, choking on the last words, and Mudfur has to bring him poppy seeds to help him sleep that night. He gives me feels.

In Canon he survives Tigerclan, Bloodclan, the destruction of the forest, the journey to the lake, the Great Battle, and now this whole no Starclan thing.

If there was ever someone who needed therapy it's him...and I can't really see Reedwhisker being the type to think Misty didn't love him.

He knows he was relatively safe compared to Feather and Storm, and...tbh I think he'd tell Misty she made the right choice.

And I think that would probably break Mistyfoot's heart more in all three AUs then anything else.

Feather's, too. (She's too kind, I swear.)

okay cool let's start at the top. i love u anon just want u to know. everything u send me about this makes me feel so many things. my beloved. <3

re reedwhisker's age: unless/until i get a confirmation that he was apprenticed, etc., on page, or an erin statement about it, i'm maintaining my position. he doesn't show up in asir which you would 100% expect him to, and asir was published june 2020, which means reedwhisker as mistystar's surviving kit was known, which means that i really don't think he was born yet. like i really, really, really think that someone mistakenly went, "well, mistyfoot had a litter in tpb, so reedwhisker was a part of that litter," and we've all just been operating under that assumption.

(open to changing that opinion on evidence. i just need a source -- an erin statement, author chat, blogclan, a book, w/e, just something that will confirm when reedwhisker was actually born.)

because like -- ferncloud is nearly a year older than the bramble, storm, primrose, etc., so i don't know. there's no good timeline. reedwhisker appears as a fully grown warrior in twilight. so. heck if i know.

like there's no way mistyfoot would leave him behind? there's no way he wouldn't want to reunite with stormfur and feathertail and his mom? like he would be in asir, right? i'm not crazy? of all cats?

scream.

but moving on from my open anger re. the reedpaw problem;

i mean -- to be clear, mistyfoot and featherpaw are in riverclan from the beginning of tigerclan to the end in the misty au. no escapes are made. so even if reedpaw was alive, they're there. unlike the other aus, the misty au is Defined by yours truly because i'm actually writing it. so none of that angst, just the -- pain of watching the fall.

hnng.

and yeah he's just. so done and over everything.

and oh my god like -- he thinks he's Very alone in the leopard au. because he doesn't -- oh my god. and when they show up in riverclan again it's great but also -- he's been alone witnessing all of this Shit holy god i swear.

mistyfoot is...not Really visibly pregnant until after tigerclan, and he wouldn't be close enough to smell it, so yeah -- he'd still be surprised. or maybe. not surprised so much as. argh. you know like. he doesn't want to face it.

i like the idea of him having this very complex but entirely one-sided relationship to tawny. like, they went through some pretty similar stuff, but she chose it, and embraced it, and that's. you know. and she doesn't really think of him because she doesn't Know that like. mistyfoot is his mom.

and yes more people calling out tawnypelt's terrible naming decisions. i mean i love the angst it gives me for writing purposes and tigerheart is my favourite husband in warriors (he's so in love with his wife i love him for that), but yeah. what.

and oh my god like -- he would be the one to explain things. because -- i mean because he's scared and alone and is the only one who saw this and hasn't been able to say anything and he finally sees his family and Safe and. they're all watching him like "oh shit how the fuck did it get worse after we left" and oh-

all of these cats need therapy.

[ID: text that reads "5. Hawkwing and Frecklewish invent therapy." /end ID]

(a chapter title from "Heathertail's School for Attractive, Murderous She-Cats")

and yes. yes yes he would. i bet mistyfoot would apologize and he would be like -

no, why are you apologizing? i was safe, you weren't

and he wasn't really safe but seeing him just -- seeing how he just has this. i dunno how to say it. but when mistyfoot sees him and how's he's just had to grapple with this and oh.

she would be so upset.

#reed au #ask #anon #misty au #leopard au #mine

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savnofilter · 3 years

Text

no nuance november!

a/n: which is basically you have a bunch of opinions and dont explain any of em' and let your followers discuss them (much more suited for tiktok sjsnj). i'll be doing it since it compiles with many topics like fandom, racism, lgbtq+, politics and etc. i highly encourage people to do this simply because why not? feel free to send your own opinions n stuff, i wanna know what my followers think!!

disclaimer!! ⚠️ all of these are broad, not pin pointing certain people or situations. even though these are my opinions these were all in fun and have been collected over the years and will change as time goes on. nothing is sugar-coated so thread carefully. feel free to agree or disagree. :)

warning(s): mentions of racism, p*do micro aggression, fetishizing, toxicity, abuse, politics, labelling, mental health, cancelling, fandoms, ages.

key:

iswis = i said what i said, no explanation to that one.

whe = will happily explain.

stop sexualizing gay/m|m/yaoi relationships. it's not only demonizing to the males, it's also very fetishizing. (iswis)

most times /10 yall root for "feminine men" when you really mean white boys and fetishised asian men on social media. (whe)

bullying someone isnt educating. you either cant cope with the fact people have different opinions from you or you have a struggle with things either always never going your way or the opposite. (iswis)

straight people will never have a say in lgbtq+ issues. stop inserting yourself. (iswis)

white people will never have a say in poc issues. stop inserting yourself. (iswis)

poc will never have a say in black people issues. stop inserting yourself. (vice versa but im black and it happens more often to us lol) (iswis)

using the defense, "but black lives matter, right?" when one black person does something bad isnt facts, youre racist. (iswis)

fandom adults need to stop gatekeeping the target audience (demographics) to animes/shows. (iswis)

poc people can be racist. (whe)

even if a certain site was adult doesnt mean that every adult wants to see your porn. either keep it to yourself or tag properly. (iswis)

saying shit like, "im more xyz than you and im not even xyz" is not only disrespectful but disgusting. just because you believe in a popular opinion of a group does NOT suddenly make you a person in it, get over yourself. (iswis)

dont hate on people for the same things you have done at a young age. (ex: writing fanfic, seggs, etc) (iswis)

blaming a minor/someone mentally unstable for being abused is not only victim blaming, but it enables the notion that people who go those things that they wanted it. (iswis)

going off of that last point, if you do victim blame for situations and been in them yourself you either still havent coped with what you went through and still think it was your fault when it wasnt. (whe)

it's stupid people hate minors for being undeveloped when adults are the reason as to why people get traumas, abused and quite literally are destroying the world right now. (iswis)

gen z is white as fuck. (iswis)

early 2000s kids are equivalent to 90s kids who use to post, "only 90s kids under this" and post something that 2000-5 experienced. (iswis)

dear 2005+ kids, abusing harmful substances and having sex doesnt make you grown. stop it. (iswis)

adults, being able to post porn doesnt make you grown or mature, stop believing that it does. (iswis)

just because it's a coping mechanism doesnt mean it's healthy. (iswis)

avoiding conflict doesnt mean youre mature. if there is an active problem and you know ignoring it will only benefit you and not the actual problem at hand that is selfish. (iswis)

black women generate clout for everyone. when we're hated the person gets patted on the back, someone appreciates black girls they are praised, and people of many groups repeatedly steal from our culture. (iswis)

YES THERE IS A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BEING BLACK AND AFRICAN AMERICAN. (whe)

if youre black you do not have to be democrat OR republican, there are many other parties. (whe)

i do not trust either parties, no minority should. (whe)

this 2020 election was not a win for poc people no matter who won. (iswis)

we do not decide whether or not what to do on columbus day. it is up to the natives themselves. (whe)

pointing out other countries (current) faults is not racist. although the issue can be misconstrued, if proper research is done it safe to say it's an educated observation or opinion. (whe)

privilege heavily varies; ex, americans are seen as privileged, while the people who live in it experience a disadvantage because of the societal standards. within the country itself. (whe)

americans, stop saying that america is the worst country and there are other countries who are suffering much worse than we are. yes sometimes it sucks but do not label it as the worst. (iswis + whe)

white people are privileged and will always be until we break the racist issues deep rooted in EVERY community. (iswis)

9/10 when marginalized groups like (women, lgbt) are mostly focused on white people and never address the poc counter parts. using the excuse "well idk much about that" is not good enough and just promotes pseudo-white supremecy. (iswis + whe)

do not use aave. (iswis)

aave is not gen z language, stop calling it that. (iswis)

gay men (white especially) use black women and get praised for the things we do that are called ghetto. (iswis)

yes it is offensive if you touch a black persons hair with or without permission. we are not your pets nor zoo animals. (iswis)

and yes it is offensive if you see a black women with beautiful hair and assume it's fake or ask, "is it yours?" "is it real?" (iswis)

using jailbait as an excuse to lewd minors is just as disgusting. (iswis)

beauty standards for women is rooted from pedophilia. (iswis)

using other pedophilic relationships as an excuse to ship yours is disturbing and you shouldnt be near children at any capacity. (iswis)

everything doesnt need a label. (iswis)

the fact that gangs have been criminalized while mafias havent is racist and feeds the stereotypes that poc are criminals. (iswis)

people are more forgiving to white predators than to poc (neither are good but people let white off the hook more often). (iswis)

if youre okay with your friends being racists, creeps, abusers you are just as bad. (iswis)

although you can like what you like, making dark content shouldnt be as glorified as much as it is. (iswis)

some kinks do deserve to be kink shamed. (iswis)

adults need to be more held accountable when held in situations with minors. (iswis + whe)

everyone perceives the world differently, many people will see the same things you see differently. (iswis)

calling people crazy for questioning the things around them doesnt make them crazy, youre just asleep. (iswis)

the human body can function without a soul. (iswis)

stop disrespecting christianity. you wouldnt do the same with hinduism, islam and etc. (iswis)

the bible was altered by white men and the true meanings have been misconstrued. (iswis + whe)

bullying someone who you THINK is problematic is not excuse to be hateful. youre just scum and feel the need to justify your actions. (iswis)

not everyone has to like you and dont need a reason. (iswis)

just because you dont like someone doesnt mean you have to make a show of it. be mature and move along. (iswis)

yes callouts/cancelling has its place but it's never done right. (iswis)

"cancel culture" wasnt a thing till white people joined in. (iswis)

dont cancel someone for stuff they did years ago. bringing it up is important but not allowing them to understand, reflect, and apologize is not only bullying it defeats the purpose of bringing awareness. (iswis)

big writers need to stop complaining when one fic or a few dont do good. not only does it rub in small writers faces, it shows that if you need people's validation to write you probably shouldnt be writing. some works will be popular and some will flop, get over it. (iswis)

stop witch hunting & crucifying people for shit you have done or your friends have done and going "uwu sorry" when you get caught. (iswis)

90% people believe content creators with bigger audiences. (iswis)

people spontaneously posting, "uwu take care of your mental health" doesnt mean that they actually care. (iswis)

people are always quick to judge people with real mental health such as depression, anxiety, adhd, and etc are always the one to turn and pretend to be exactly what they just mocked. (iswis)

dont have kids if youre not going to take care of them. (iswis)

stop baiting baby otakus (people freshly getting into anime) into watching cp like yarichin bitch club or boku no pico. they are minors, it's not funny, stop it. (iswis)

stop being protective & toxic over anime characters. if they were real they probably wouldnt even like you. (iswis)

just because someone is your friend doesnt mean that they arent toxic or abusive. (iswis)

start believing when people show their true traits. (iswis)

trauma happens in different forms, stop saying something didnt happen because it didnt go the way that has commonly happened or the way it occurred to you. (iswis)

stop saying minors should "know" while also being the loudest to say that our brains arent even developed till 25. (iswis)

the adult age should be raised to 20 years old. (iswis + whe)

tos should be raised to 16 years old. (iswis + whe)

minors take "18+" & "minors dni" out of your bio. (iswis)

yelling at minors for finding the content you freely put out without any care is your fault not theirs. (iswis)

there are plenty of adult sites that are more confined for adults but you guys ignore them because youd rather get popular on writing erotica on a popular social media platform. (iswis)

trying to cancel someone over one mistake and or blowing said things out of proportion is toxic and stupid. (iswis)

if you take someone saying they need to distance themselves for mental health reasons personally and make them feel bad for it youre an actual shitty person. (iswis)

if someone disrespects you, you have the right to say whatever you want in response. (iswis + whe)

stop hypersexualizing everything (adults especially). (iswis)

the excuses of, "they look grown" "i mentally think xyz" "theyre fake" is creepy and weird and yall should come up with a better excuse. (iswis)

yes i do believe minors should be writing for minors only, but i will not give a shit if an adult does if said characters are aged up in every work sfw or not. (iswis)

stop saying teens cant go through traumatic things and cant experience mental illnesses. it just shows that you werent cared for as a child and never get the therapy for it. (iswis)

gen z has a very colonized idea of activism. (iswis)

feminism was never for all women until the rest of us forced ourselves in. and even now it's still an issue whether or not people realize it or not. (iswis)

poc solidarity doesnt exist as much as we try to make it happen. (iswis)

colorism is an issue, and no you will not tell me otherwise. (iswis)

the hot cheeto girl is offensive and demeans black & hispanic culture. (iswis)

stop bashing minors for breathing, just say youre mad youre not young anymore and move on. (iswis)

black men are the white people of black people. (iswis)

there is no reason as to why you anyone would refer to black people as "blacks". nor should you (non-black people) be arguing whether or not to say nigga even with the hard r. (iswis)

if you (pertains to white people) think white privilege doesnt exist but go on to make fun of or ignore minority problems you are the living and breathing example of what we are talking about. (iswis)

loli/shotas are fucking disgusting and people who like it deserve to be tortured for eternity. (iswis)

seriously, stop using theyre "fake" as an excuse. (iswis)

if youre comfortable with being hateful to someone but still consider yourself a nice person because you do the hate minimum to be a decent human, youre either a narcissist or have a god complex. (iswis)

coons have no say in black issues. (iswis)

people need to stop blaming the "home wrecker" for ruining the relationship when it was the s/o's fault as well. there is no home to enter without an owner. (iswis)

stop saying any asian man yo see reminds you of a haikyuu character and or any anime character. it's racist. (iswis)

stop saying any asian person looks like a kpop idol, it's racist. (iswis)

stop downplaying and invalidating when black women go through traumatic things. not only does it promote that we have to be strong and save everyone else's problems, it says that we dont have emotions and cant be a victim which is disgusting. (iswis)

if you say shit like "minors curate your own experience" then go and turn around to say you REFUSE TO TAG YOUR SHIT YOU ARE LITERALLY MAKING THE PROCESS OF CENSORING HARD! (iswis)

white women are just as much of a problem as white men. only difference is sex keeping them apart. (iswis)

stop saying kpop is racist. expecting artists from a different political progression to understand that things can be offensive is bland. (iswis)

people accept boy groups fuck-ups more than they accept girl groups. and most times out of ten, the males are worse. (iswis)

if you engage in nsfw conversation with a minor, it is your fault they responded. (iswis)

anyone can be abused. (iswis)

stop coddling adults and bullying minors. (iswis)

most of you females have internalized misogyny and dont even know it. (iswis)

you can callout issues without having to drag a group of people. same with uplifting. (iswis)

if youre fine with being a sheep unfollow me. (iswis)

seven deadly sins is not a good anime. (iswis)

there is a difference between boku no hero academia fans based on if they call it "bnha" or "mha". (iswis)

ships literally are not serious stop harassing people over ships. (iswis)

do not harass creators of series because they do something with THEIR story. make your own. (iswis)

stop saying horikoshi sexualizes his women too much/mineta is the worst when you guys enjoy shows like one piece, hunter x hunter, naruto and etc. (iswis)

minors often or not are sheeps (heres your sign you dont have to agree with everything other people say). (iswis)

just because minors can be mature doesnt mean that they are adults. stop treating them as such. (iswis)

we should give more voice actors in the asmr (idk what to call it) community more recognition instead of just one. (iswis)

writers are the ones that send hate to other writers. anon hate is so corny and if you do it that goes to show that you are truly a toxic person wearing a fake mask of kindness when youre not on anonymous. (iswis)

stop being mean to smaller writers because they did not have as much luck as you. (iswis)

stop blaming your readers because one story flopped. (iswis)

ignoring someone's shitty actions encourages them to do it more. (iswis)

going to school and getting a job is much harder now than it was before. (iswis)

being an adult doesnt automatically make you mature. just because youre older doesnt mean youre better or you opinion is more valuable. it just shows that you werent heard when you were younger. (iswis)

there should be no reason as to why someone of the age of 18 should be having any romantic relationship with someone who is a minor. (iswis)

hawks is a shitty character. (iswis)

bakudeku isnt toxic. (iswis)

just because bakugo is in a ship, doesnt mean it's toxic. (iswis)

stop shipping male characters together simply because they have screen time together. it's creepy. (iswis)

almost all of 1-a students have ptsd and anything close to the after effects of being traumatized. (iswis)

no, editing characters to be poc is not racist. youre just mad they arent "white" when they never were. theyre asian and come in many colors as well. (iswis)

wanting to only be with a different race to get a mixed baby is fucking disgusting. (iswis)

stop ignoring pedo relationships between older women and younger boys and or with older women in general. (iswis)

males can be abused, stop telling them to suck it up or that they cant go through things. (iswis)

shaming young females about things they cant control is misogynistic and is damaging to their identity and shouldnt be excused. (iswis + whe)

not all females have to shave. (iswis)

what you dont like in someone is the projections you see of yourself on other people that you dont like about yourself. (whe)

popular bl stories extremely misrepresent gay relationships and frankly it's disgusting that theyre boosted as much as they are. (iswis)

jjba isnt ugly, you just watch animes to sexualize the characters. (iswis)

it's shitty that anime and kpop only became cool once white people stated to like it and made it mainstream. go gatekeep family guy or something. (iswis)

if you have been anime fan for a long time you were with bullied/teased for just generally liking it or you were a weirdo who recreated shit from it. (iswis)

weaboo and weeb were bad terms till we made them positive?? literally otaku is the word for it but we use weeb instead lol. (whe)

normalize and promote educating someone without going straight to bullying them. (whe)

haikyuu isnt really a good manga/anime nor is the art style the best but the characters make up for it. (iswis)

stop misusing terms and stop nitpicking definitions to manipulate your narrative. (iswis)

toxic positivity is manipulative and if you have to make it back handed you are not as nice as you like to make it seem. (iswis)

studying a major doesnt mean youre actually good in the subject. (iswis)

normalize people realizing their past mistakes and growing from it. (iswis)

do not self diagnos unless you actually feel like you may have that issue and would like to seek help. mental health is not a personality trait. (iswis)

stop projecting onto people. (iswis)

stop misusing terms and stop nitpicking definitions to fit your narrative. (iswis)

stealing any type of work should not be tolerated. (iswis)

constantly trying to trigger someone to go back to their old ways (being toxic, abusive, addiction, suicidal etc) after changing is toxic and manipulative. (iswis)

if you make jokes about hurting kids and or feel the need speak badly about them i do not want to speak to you. (iswis)

the human brain wasnt developed to understand complex ideas such as death or the universe. (iswis)

we will never truly know what is beyond our skies. (iswis)

thats all, thanks for sifting!

#opinions #hot takes #three t's for the week #read at your own discretion #no nuance november #d dabbles

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marikaaajoy · 4 years

Text

my relationship with digital art and how BNHA salvaged it

I just wanted to let out my thoughts but I can only do it here :>

This might be a downer for some people but I’d like to share it with people here. BNHA means the world to me and this is why.

I first started drawing when I was 7 years old in 2006

I think it’s ugly now, but 7 year old me remembered being so proud of this because this is a drawing of my stepfather. This is the only drawing I have that was from my childhood. I think the aim here is to draw in anime style BUT I didn’t even watch anime back then. I had a classmate who loves anime and she taught me to draw in school. Drawing became a favorite hobby immediately after that.

Then it was 2013 and I was 14 years old. Drawing is still my favorite thing to do besides being on the computer. I love anime at this point too. My parents bought an iPad for the whole family, but I was almost always the one using it. I discovered an app called ArtStudio and thought “Wow, I can draw without making a mess and with only my fingers” because I was always too lazy to take out my drawing materials and clean up afterwards.

These were my first digital drawings. The pirate one was the very first. I got obsessed real fast. I can color so easily, undo any mistake, layers are a blessing too. There was just so much more freedom. I always sucked at coloring in traditional art and I didn’t like the mess (idk my hands get so messy traditionally)

The next year, it was 2014, I was 15. My birthday is in a couple of months and I knew my parents were planning to buy me something pricey (I think it was a laptop) so I approached them and asked if they could just buy the Wacom Bamboo as a present which was cheaper anyway and I even explained how it works to them and how it would allow me to draw on the computer instead of the iPad. I tried really hard to be convincing. I would have prepared a powerpoint presentation if I had to.

They did give me the wacom as a present. They even gave it to me months before my birthday so I could use it already. I thought I was the luckiest teen in the world with my parents.

These are a collection of my favorite works from 2014 to 2016. The middle one was my second drawing using wacom and Paint Tool SAI. I was a part of a lot of fandoms in those years lol

It gets downhill from there :/

April 2016, my mom and I moved to Japan, while my stepfather and siblings stay in my country. It was tough. For someone who is obsessed with anime, you’d think I’d be thrilled to live in Japan.

I was. Though only at the first few months. It’s not the same as it’s portrayed in anime (I should’ve known but I used to be blinded by anime). It was just lonely. The language barrier sucked and then lots of financial and family issues until my parents split. I got my first boyfriend too and I thought I was blessed by the nicest boy, but the relationship became extremely toxic but I didn’t have it in me to walk away.

All the shit that happened affected me mentally and emotionally. My biggest outlet which was digital drawing, was also out of the question because I did not have a computer/laptop when we moved to Japan. We left it in our home for my stepfather and siblings, even the iPad. I have my wacom with me, but no computer/laptop to use it with. I couldn’t draw.

I tried though. I used my phone to draw, but it wasn’t the same. Then the life problems got piled up, things got worse, and I just lost motivation in anything. Literally anything. From 2016 to 2019, I stopped watching anime, I dropped out of all the fandoms I’m in, I stopped watching my favorite TV series or movies, and I stopped drawing. I even got a bit disconnected with my friends who lived in my country (we talk regularly online). My family was broken so I gave all my attention to my toxic relationship as well which made everything worse too lol

I didn’t draw besides from a few scribbles and the drawings above. I did try digital art on my phone a couple of times again and even posted them on my IG, but they weren’t any good. Eventually, I got mentally and emotionally drained and dropped out of senior high school. I just stayed home for almost a year, leeching off of my mom. I felt even more worthless and my life had no direction at this point. Nothing mattered anymore.

April 2019 or so I think, my (ex)bf bought me a laptop. He says it’s a gift, but I think the real reason was to make up for something horrible that he did (which is stupid because money /gifts won’t resolve anything). I have a laptop. I can draw again, but I didn’t. I didn’t care, I wasn’t interested in drawing anymore anyway.

Welp. June 2019, I went back to my country. My (ex) bf stayed in Japan. The distance helped me end the relationship and my friends were there (they always were) to help put me back together along with two trips to therapy. I went back to finish my senior high school in my own country this time. That said, I have to stay in my country for school (but I was happy because I didn’t wanna go back to Japan yet when the breakup was still fresh and with going back to school, my life has a direction again.)

It was weird. I remember just being sorta lost and confused because I used to put my time, effort and everything into my previous toxic relationship, which was now gone. I was free and I had so much free time that I didn’t know what to do with it. I got so used to doing nothing and being nothing.

This is where BNHA enters.

Dunno when it started, but I started seeing Bakugou frequently online. It’s usually just Bakugou. I knew who he was because my friend suggested BNHA to me back in late 2018 I think but I didn’t watch it since I’ve lost interest in everything at that point in my life.

But ye I thought he hot af but I still didn’t watch BNHA.

But then for some reason he REALLY kept appearing in my social medias and it was really frequent. The last straw was when I saw a pic of him in UA’s gym uniform and thought “damn boi aight imma watch bnha for u” (y’all gotta admit he looks good in those colors with his combat boots XD )

I watched BNHA. Fell in love with Iida along the way. Then I switched to Tokoyami (but Shoji was hot too so aaaaa), but then angry emotionally-constipated sea urchin head caught my heart again. But oof. BakuDeku moments really made me feel some type of way I haven’t felt since I moved to Japan. It felt new but nostalgic. I fell hard in that ship.

I started obsessing. From memes to posts to fanfictions to buying merch to filling my room with BNHA posters. I realized I was reverting to my old self from the time I was still happy and it was thanks to BNHA (and the good people who helped me through the worst too)

Shit I wanted to draw BNHA, I thought.

I mean, I have a laptop, I still have my wacom and drawing softwares. I could totally draw digitally again if I wanted to.

But guess what

I can’t :c

My hand physically cannot draw. My drawings don’t look the way I want them too. 3 years of not drawing really destroyed any skill I had. I was back to square one.

September (yeah they’re ugly, I laughed at it). If you’re wondering why I drew on paper, it’s because, for some reason, I really CANNOT draw digitally. I mean it. I can barely sketch digitally at this point. The lines and shapes just doesn’t come to life. They’re just scribbles. But somehow, I can kinda draw on paper with a ballpoint pen. But yeah, that was the best I could do at this point in my life

After that, I still tried to draw, to regain my old art style, but it didn’t happen... It just doesn’t look or feel the same. Drawing used to be fun. But during this phase, it felt like my ugly drawings were just mocking me (probably was just too emo that time lol)

Weirdly, around a week or two I think, after my half-assed attempts at drawing, I managed to draw digitally somehow o.o

I did a Midoriya and Todoroki drawing like this too. It was my first post here on Tumblr I think. The annoying part here is that I cannot draw digitally unless I draw on paper first, take a pic, and then trace the lineart. I couldn’t draw directly on the computer. Granted, drawing on paper and drawing on digital is very different for me in the first place anyway. But it was still a pain. And it still looked like shit. I can only draw stiff poses :/ it seems like my brain decided to delete all data about anatomy and posture and backgrounds. My lineart here is even messy af. It still really not the same as my old style.

By 2020, I think I got my old art style back. On March, I made this. This took me 27 total of hrs to make.

Right now, I think it’s not bad, but back in March, I was disappointed with the result. This is when I finally broke down crying because it didn’t look good enough and I hated that it took me 27 hrs to draw “bullshit.” I was angry at myself for losing interest in drawing for 3 years when I could’ve used that time to improve. I had to start all over again and it still didn’t look good. (Current me thinks that the drawing above is alright. I was just a lot harsher to myself back then. Used to have a lot of issues but I’m doing great now)

I cried myself to sleep that night. Woke up wanting to cry again. I wallowed in sadness for a couple of days. Eventually told my friends what’s up. Got some pep talk. Even talked to my sister (she’s great, she always hypes me up with my stuff and sometimes I think she’s my biggest fan with how she appreciates my drawings and I’m really grateful for that).

My world turned a 180 and I was weirdly positive after all that crying because brain chemicals and shit. I had a revelation. If I hate how my art style looked so much, then I should have been putting effort in changing my art style, not trying to regain my old art style (that I don’t like anymore)

I researched a lot. I analyzed different art styles and anatomy again. I did everything I could think of to find a style that works for me. I might have even neglected school for a bit to focus on digital art lmao

After all that work, I posted a fanart of middle school BakuDeku in their classroom. I love that fanart so much even if I probably have better ones by now because that was the first fanart I made that I felt like I could be proud of and it was the first one I made in my new art style. It was a milestone for me.

March 2020, I moved back to Japan and without the toxic relationship, I’m a lot positive now. Happy. I’m myself again after the previous bad years. I’m still continuously learning though, trying to improve, but at least, now, I found my own art style :) I really suck at interacting with people online, but I’m always grateful for the support everyone has been giving my fanarts. I’m happy when my content makes people happy.

This is why BNHA is important to me. The series is great alone, but it’s not just that to me. BNHA is so much more. It’s what made me find the passion to create again, only this time, it’s focused on drawing (I used to write, but now I just draw, but maybe I’ll write again for BNHA).

My family is supportive with my love for BNHA, but I think they don’t know the deeper reason why I love it. Sure, I was fine living on with nothing much going on in my life. I’ll finish school, get a job, work until I die or something. It was okay. It was the way of life. But BNHA gave my life color again. I wasn’t just blindly going through life anymore. I have something to look forward to everyday now. BNHA even became a bridge to other things. Ever since then, I’m a lot more open to people, to try new things, to explore and not just live through life and waste away. I got better at leaving my comfort zone. I’ve never been happier in my life :D

Thank you for supporting my fanarts. Thank you so much for giving me a chance to express myself through BNHA. I hope to make more content in the future and improve even more :)

#plus ultra #<3 #personal

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noahhernandez · 4 years

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2/9/2015 v. 8/11/2020

1:Talk about the first time you watched your favorite movie. My favorite movie is Scream, and it started when I saw the midnight premier of Scream 4 with my dad back when I was in 8th grade, then Scream 1 came on AMC late on night and I just really like it

I still think Scream is one of my favorites, but Halloween has jumped up there just because I am obsessed with all things horror really lol. I started to love Halloween because of the new trilogy.

2:Talk about your first kiss. It’s really not that interesting but really like embarrassing. It was with my first boyfriend and I had just turned 15 and we were at the school just walking around and we went into the band hall and I was like ok im leaving and he was like wait and we kissed and i was like o

the same !

3:Talk about the person you’ve had the most intense romantic feelings for. I never really have had intense feelings for anyone. I d k

One my exes- I mean we were dating for awhile so that’s pretty intense to me.

4:Talk about the thing you regret most so far. I regret… Nothing really I mean, I have done really bad things in my life, but i don’t regret them

I regret failing like 2 semesters of college lmao and almost dropping out. If i didn’t then I would 1- would have been done earlier and 2- would have already completed a year of grad school but IDK also another is wasting lots of money in 2017-2018

5:Talk about the best birthday you’ve had. The best birthday I’ve had was.. Idk This year was was nice I saw Iggy Azalea in concert, then I celebrated my friends’ birthday then mine and it was just everyone got to get together so ya this year my 18th

For my 21st birthday I went to Portland, Oregon and spent the weekend there and it was pretty and my first time there so it was nice despite what I think about PDX now. I don’t even know what I was doing for my 19 and 20th birthday lol.

6:Talk about the worst birthday you’ve had. My 17th birthday because I was stuck 2 hours away from home with a bunch of nerds doing a band competition

That is still probably my worst birthday. I forget to mention that I was gone literally from like 7am to midnight. They werent a bunch of loser nerds, they were my friends, but I still wish I was just at home lol.

7:Talk about your biggest insecurity. I am skinny, but not fit. If I eat anything I get this like stomach and it makes me so sad. and ever since I got a job I work odd hours and I eat a lot of fast food and I’ve gained 10 pounds in 2 years and I guess i’m insecure about my weight

I am still insecure about my weight, and I probably weight like 5 pounds more than I did when I made this post 5 1/2 years ago.

8:Talk about the thing you are most proud of. We have band banquets for band, and I only went my sophomore and junior year, and seniors give out awards to underclassmen that are just jokes really, and both years 4 different seniors gave me an award for being the biggest gossip in the entire band and I was proud of that lol

Well since then I have graduated both high school and college. I am proud that I finished college !! A BS in Psych. Proud of myself that I got promoted (in 2017) at my job; i’m proud of myself that I have my own apartment, and blah blah basically just doing regular adult shit.

9:Talk about little things on your body that you like the most. I like my nose because of how perfectly fixed it is. I also really like my freckles/moles/dark marks idk what they are exactly, but they’re on my face and they look great

I still feel the same way about this, maybe add my eyebrows- they’re not like clean and nice they’re just expression markers on my face that i love.

10:Talk about the biggest fight you’ve ever had. I got into a fight with my old friend Angelica and that was almost 4 months ago and we used to be best friends and now we never talk.

When Janett didn’t talk to me all summer of 2019 because I told our other friend Angel something

11:Talk about the best dream you’ve ever had. I cant remember one 12:Talk about the worst dream you’ve ever had. I can’t remember one

13:Talk about the first time you had sex/how you imagine your first time. The closest thing i’ve had to like sex was being locked in a back of an SUV with a stranger drunk as fuck and naked and its embarrassing

Just awkward and nothing to which I expected.

14:Talk about a vacation. When I was 16, the high school band took a trip to Hawaii, and all my friends were in band so it was great. We did a lot of things, we toured Pearl Harbor and even played a few patriotic songs on the USS Miss. and our hotel was on Wakiki beach. I went snorkeling in some beautiful water and shit and idk just walked all around Hawaii having a great time omg we got on stage at the Hard Rock Cafe and sang with German people i miss it

Hm that was fun. But I.. went to NY with my ex and that was pretty cool because I literally love New York, and I went to NOLA two years ago (today actually) and got miserably drunk so that was fun too

15:Talk about the time you were most content in life. Probably just in the middle of junior year when everything and everyone was going with the flow

I feel like 2016 was a very content year because I remember nothing about it.

16:Talk about the best party you’ve ever been to. Idk which one to talk about the one where I had a lot of fun and risked my life or the one where there was a lot of drama stirred up and drank myself to sadness.

I haven’t really been to a party? I have gone out and had good times. Really anytime my friends and I go out I am having a good time

17:Talk about someone you want to be friends with. I am already friends with people I want to be friends with

18:Talk about something that happened in elementary school. I kissed a boy on the back of the head and i told I just fell onto his head

Let me think of another one. Back in like fourth grade my friend was in a wheel chair and his backpack was falling from the back and I was trying to grab it and i was only 3 feet tall i couldnt see over or wasnt paying attention and i crashed him right into the bookshelves at the library.

19:Talk about something that happened in middle school. A girl was mad at me because idk why lol and she pushed me in the hall way and I fucking flew across that hall on the floor and hit the wall she’s pregnant now

When I was in 5th grade (which is considered middle school in my district) I was standing on the play ground and someone threw a stick at my head and it knocked me the fuck out and I was bleeding from my temple.

20:Talk about something that happened in high school. In Jr. Year I was pulling into the parking lot but I was texting and I accidentally put half my car on grass area near the side walk luckily it was 7am and only one person saw me do it lol

One summer going into our senior year we had a party at Michelle’s house. First of all we were very drunk and Coby’s parents were like we are coming over and we cleaned TF UP so fast and sat on the couch and turned on I Know What You Did Last Summer and his parents were like interesting and and left and then we continued to drink anyways- we started playing truth or dare and my friend Angelica was like I dare u to kiss Anthony (someone I had liked prior) and he wouldnt and we started attacking him and calling him homophobic and hitting him with pillows lmao- him and I are still friend-ish

21:Talk about a time you had to turn someone down. I can’t think of something right now.

Literally anyone on grindr.

22:Talk about your worst fear. I’m afraid of having no career and being stuck doing something I hate and living paycheck to paycheck

Yeah, I’m scared of that still but I.. think just like being broke and jobless. RN with the pandemic we aren’t really working and still getting gov’t assistance, so. IDK being a real real adult scares me a lot.

23:Talk about a time someone turned you down. I can’t think of a time :)

One time in like 2016 maybe idk - this dude told me to come over and he lived far like not that far maybe 25 minutes lol far for me anyways I got to his apartment and there was a gate code and i asked him what it was and he didnt answer and it was like 2-3am and nobody was coming in or out and so i was like damn this sucks lmao

24:Talk about something someone told you that meant a lot. Nothing really has meant a lot to me. Everyone tells me the same thing over and over again and its so surface level

I still can’t think of anything but I’m sure the friends I have met since this and my friends Faith, Michelle, Peter, and Alisa have said something supportive that meant a lot to me.

25:Talk about an ex-best friend. Angelica Ramirez. She was my best friend for only 3 years, but together we went through A LOT of shit. We started out senior year just fine, but she lied about a few things and made a lot of us feel like crap in October. I won’t lie, I do miss her. We have too many memories to just forget, too many funny stories and great adventures. She helped me with too much, and sometimes I think about how I cut her out of my life and I mad a bad choice. But only time can heal things and I have moved on and truly found people that won’t make me mad every 30 seconds.

Brianna Pajak, I don’t remember anything about her except she was poor and we stopped being friends because she always wanted to fight and be annoying.

26:Talk about things you do when you’re sick. Lay on bed on my computer and watch TV

I normally just suffer and cry about wishing I was healthy again.

27:Talk about your favorite part of someone else’s body. Their…!!>>>???

I must have nice hands and ur nose must be nice too! so nose and hands. lol

28:Talk about your fetishes. none

yeah I don’t have any lol not that I can think of.

29:Talk about what turns you on. Idk i really like kissing and touching and this is awkward.

30:Talk about what turns you off. bad breath by

that and ugly/rough hands, acne sorry i know it is natural but, shorter than me lol, white people, long hair on guys, and thats about it i think hm i am single yes

31:Talk about what you think death is like. I think its like idk its scary tho

um idk i dont like thinking about death because i literally want to cry when i think about it.

32:Talk about a place you remember from your childhood. I remember being in trees a lot

My step grandma’s a lot because my parents were working and she would watch us. She passed away about a month ago :(

33:Talk about what you do when you are sad. I usually only tell one person and that person is Alisa and I cry sometimes to her and expect her to make things better and she does thank u

I be doing the same thing, I text someone and that person could really be anyone but it happened the other day and I texted Bri and she was very helpful.

34:Talk about the worst physical pain you’ve endured. I have no idea, I’ve never broken pulled strained twisted fractures or anything i have no life

I still haven’t done any of that stuff to my body. I also have burn scars but I did not feel those when it was happening. I would just say i guess my wisdom teeth coming in because I did not get them removed. I have 3 out lol.

35:Talk about things you wish you could stop doing. Pushing potential love interests away

I have had some ‘love interests’ since this post, but it’s been about a year now since and I kind of push away the opportunity of getting close to someone. I also need to stop being a bitch sometimes.

36:Talk about your guilty pleasures. eating

I would say idk eating was a stupid answer.

37:Talk about someone you thought you were in love with. never

I was in love and i didn’t ‘think’ I was in love. I don’t know what you mean by talk about them, they were my partner but we broke up hehe.

38:Talk about songs that remind you of certain people. Fireflies by Owl City reminds me of my 7th grade crush Fancy by Iggy Azalea reminds me of my two friends Michelle and Alisa idk anything else

um Idk. i rly cant think 39:Talk about things you wish you’d known earlier. I wish I would have known that

That it’s okay to tell people you’re struggling lol . That is okay to fail sometimes (school). 40:Talk about the end of something in your life. everything is just about to start

When I ended how to get away with murder I wish I never did I love that show with all my heart.

#personal

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blahblahblaw18 · 3 years

Text

I’m byackkk!

Heyy people (by ‘people’ I mean myself and my 3 other followers, of which I am sure 2 are bot accounts) I am byackkk. I know I took a pretty long unannounced break but it’s not like I stopped writing or anything, which btw is never going to happen ‘cause even if I go blind (which, if it happens, wouldn’t be a surprise considering how I’ve been exploiting my poor eyes these days) or lose a limb or get diagnosed with cancer or a brain tumour or some such major thing, I will still find a way to talk to you (again, by ‘you’ I mean myself and the 3 other followers, of which I am sure 2 are bot accounts) probably I will start a podcast or something... IDK we’ll figure that out when I become handicapped.

Anyway, I hadn’t uploaded anything ‘cause a few weeks ago my Ayurvedic ophthalmologist advised me to steer clear of any kind of screen. Why? That’s a story for another day, you guys. Till then all you need to know is that I have some dumb problem in my right eye which is really a pain in the butt, I’ll just leave it there. Anyhoo, because of that prescription, I had to diligently keep most of the gadgets out of my way for most of the first two weeks in November. And then what happened was, my other (non-Ayurvedic ophthalmologist) told me that it was okay to use gadgets and that it doesn’t really make much of a difference to the condition that my eye suffers from. So that kinda opened the floodgates and... I am ashamed to admit this but I will do it anyway... I suffered a relapse, guys. If you don’t know what I am talking about, well, I am an addict... internet addict, to be specific.

Don’t laugh at me guysss. It is a real problem and it is, in fact, worse than any actual substance abuse ‘cause the internet is not illegal, so there’s more chance of it going a) undiagnosed and b) uncured. Yeah so, that kinda took me downhill and before I could even make sense of what was happening, I had wasted even my last two months this year down in some obscure YT rabbit hole. Not a good note end the year on eh? Nope. Not even by the standards of 2020. Anyway, there are still a few more days to go before we finally get to say goodbye to this cataclysmic year so maybe I’ll be able to turn the tables by then. (Pfft. Who am I even kidding?!)

Soooo, why is it that I find myself out of the YouTube loop (SURPRISE! SURPRISE!) at 1:37 in the morning, sleeping (at least pretending to) in the living room of my grandparents' house on the divan with the fan turned to a genteel speed of 2, wrapped in a warm fuzzy rug (which would have in normal circumstances kissed to sleep even the most insomniac of people) writing this blog? That’s because even though I was on a break I hadn’t completely stopped writing, as I mentioned earlier. I did write some reallly good pieces, at least good by my own parameters, but it’s that, for most of the past few days I’ve either been too sucked up into the YT rabbit hole to find time to type them all here or have been just plain lazy to do so. But this particular night, even as I plopped down on this makeshift ‘bed’, I wasn’t feeling exactly soporific and so I thought since I have no better job and also since I was getting slightly bored of YT (Whuttt?!) I might as well stop kicking then can any further down the road and get down to writing some shit at least. And anyway, is there any better time than the middle of the night for the best of ideas strike the mind? I mean, the bathroom time might seem like a tough competitor but usually I find myself whiling away that time exercising my vocal cords (Yup, I just confessed to being a toilet singer) so, as far as my case goes, it does no better than coming a close second. Also, some really good Backstreet Boys songs were playing on my Spotify shuffle in the background so it would have been really foolish of me to resist the urge to write.

An idea is quite literally like a piece of shit, it doesn’t care about who you are, where you are or what you are doing. Once it has decided that it wants to squirm out of you, then it very much will get what it wants and find it’s way out. So who am I to say no to it?

25.12.20

IndiraLakshmi

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chaeryybomb · 4 years

Text

JUNE COMEBACKS REVIEW

BLACKPINK: HOW YOU LIKE THAT

ngl I’m kinda sad bc a lot of y’all don’t like the song ;-; but I can’t do anything about it since it’s your opinion so

but I hope that people know the difference between hating and giving criticism saying the song sucks and that it’s trash music is straight up music

I can get why people are disappointed with the song since everyone wanted almost the same thing, “jennie getting a rap part”, “jisoo saying blackpink in your area” and a high note from rosé

personally I really like the song, to me it’s not the same as dddd and ktl tbh I think it’s different

plus I kinda expected it to be like that bc their songs usually follow that yg style ya know the only songs I say that don’t follow that stereotypical yg style is “love scenario”, “stay” and AKMU’s songs

i mean if you compare the song with other yg artists song, they all have the same vibe to it because of the “yg style” we always say

the song also gives me nct and skz vibes too, like specifically “punch” and “side effects” bc of the heavy edm and also bc their songs has been called noise before dhshd

but enough of that

I really like how the song starts calmly in the beginning and then it starts to be more aggressive

also I like the fact that each of the girls get a chance to say “how you like that”

lisa’s rap????? y e s

personally I feel like this time it had more of a fairer distribution, including lines and center parts

like jisoo actually gets some center parts in the dance break and chorus

i also really like the outfits this era, especially the modernized hanboks! though I have mix feelings about the pink wig dhshdh

speaking of hair, jennie!! she fucking dyed her hair!!!

and rosé is no longer blonde dhsjdj

the parts I found weird is when rosé says “look up in the sky it’s a bird it’s a plane” i have no idea how that fits in the song so

and the “dumdudurum” part at the end, it sounds out of place, like especially after it the song ends

i also think that this is their best choreography! right next to don’t know what to do

overall, I really like the song, if you don’t it’s fine! hylt has the most aesthetic mv’s I’ve seen and the outfits are so much better and it has been said that BLACKPINK’s old stylist left the company in January no not maeng

lisa’s fur coat outfit reminds me of yeji’s outfit in wannabe

would I say that hylt is their best song? no, I think playing with fire was their best song but it’s not a terrible song either

another I like is jisoo owning this era, say what you want, hylt is Jisoo’s era period.

STRAY KIDS: GOD’S MENU

what even is a concept anymore

we all thought it was going to be some street racer concept

buT NO

it’s a kung fu panda concept dhshdh

felix!!! my baby has lines !!!!

his demonic voice is bACK

hyunjin’s blond hair 😭😭

what the fUCK

the way he tied it up in a ponytail, like sir that is diSRESPECTFUL he really is jaebum’s son huh

okay okay on to the song

it honestly shocked me so much, like the rap parts were so aggressive like and the vocals are kinda angelic???

i really really like the pre-chorus, seungmin’s voice is just so !!!!! i also like seungmin+i.n’s little duet after felix’s part

spEAKING OF FELIX’S PART

“looking like a chef I’m a five star Michelin” bro that part is lowkey demonic looking in the dance

like mans pulled his knees up and put his hands through them while looking directly at you

does that not look demonic to you??? my friend said it reminded her of a spider dhshdhr

also the “dududu” part instantly reminded me of bp’s dddd dhshd like can someone edit a part of bp going “oh wait till I do when I hit you with that” and cuts to skz “DUDUDU”

the fact that no one has done it yet astounishes me

also what the fuck is that chain thing on Chan’s face, who put it there and why dhshd

bless whoever gave changbin dual contacts lens

AND WHO GAVE JEONGIN SLEEVELESS SHIRTS WHO ALLOWED THAT DHSHD

at first I found the choreography a bit funny bc they added like cooking gestures to it dhshd, like stirring the pot in the chorus but my favorite part of the dance is changbin’s part

the entire album was a bop okay, the fact that “god’s menu” wasn’t even the title track and they decided to change it, the fact that jyp has so much TRUST in bang chan also we get to see chan and sana being best friends uwu

“pacemaker” is literally “my pace” 2020 ver dhshd it even has the “nananana” part!

my favorites from the album is “TA”, “blueprint” and “haven”!!

also “easy”,,,, chan what did u do that it can’t be performed in shows

TWICE: MORE & MORE

wow girl groups are really being criticized this month huh

if y’all don’t know what happened with twice, a lot of people are criticizing twice for not singing live during their encore stages

a lot of them are especially going after momo

I’ve watched their encore stages and I don’t know why people are saying they sound bad???? maybe they need a better vocal coach but the fact that people are taking advantages of the situation just to hate on them smh

a n y w a y s

the song definitely gives a whole lot of “dtna” vibes bc of the tropical concept, its like “dtna” but the mature version

if “dance the night away” had an older sister, it would be “more & more”

also I really like the eve & adam concept, “more & more” is also another “creepy”ish song that is hidden behind a catchy tune, like “yes or yes” where ppl think it’s a cute song but the lyrics says otherwise

okay actually writing this out, it’s mv has “dtna” vibe but the song is so much like “yes or yes”

if you read the lyrics, the girls are basically saying that “no matter how hard you try to hide, you’re going to be mine again”

even in dahyun’s rap she says “I’m naturally selfish, I’m sorry if you didn’t know” and “you will fall for me, you can’t say no no”

it’s almost the same as her part in “yes or yes” where she says “there is no letters n and o” dhshdh sorry this becam a whole theory

back the real song review, I’m so glad that momo got a dance break! I think that this is their fairest line distribution yet. jeongyeon got her lines, dubchaeng got their rap parts and momo has a lot of center parts!!

and the girls look so much happier during their promotions especially tzuyu! she was smiling so much, maybe it’s because mina is with them and I’m so happy they get to perform as nine again

i really like their choreography and the part where they do the chest bounce is really satisfying idk why dhsdh

plus jeongyeon got better outfits this era cough feel special era cough

overall, I really like this comeback and it’s nice that nayeon got the high notes this time instead of jihyo

IZ*ONE: SECRET STORY OF THE SWAN

oh boy this is definitely my favorite song of this month

it’s so much different than their other songs!!!

and there’s so much to go on about!

wonyoung, minju, sakura and hyewon literally improved so much. im so proud of them !!!

hyewon, nako and sakua getting to sing the chorus??? y e s

chaeyena rap parts????? y e s

chaeyeon getting a dance break AND a high note???? Y E S

my favorite parts is eunbi+chaewon pre chorus wow I have a thing for pre choruses don’t I dhsh

i will say that this song vies the girls the chance to show how much they’ve improved throughout the eras, especially the j-line and visual line since a lot of people said they didn’t belong in izone

wonyoung and yujin's expressions are really on point as well

and yena's hip move dhshdhs

it's also rlly cute how eunbi throws confetti at her part dhshd

it’s refreshing to see how the girls improved

unfortunately, izone will be disbanding this year ;-; this is why I never liked the produce series

but we do have some ideas what will happen to the members though, we all know yena will be added into everglow, i having a feeling that eunbi and chaeyeon will be debuting as a soloist, they have so much potential plus the radiate chungha energy

nako, hitomi and sakura would most likely return to Japan, although I see sakura staying in korea to pursue an acting career and hitomi as a producer since she wrote some of izone’s songs

yuri might debut as a solo or debut in a new girl group as main vocalists, the same goes for chaewon

i see minju and hyewon going into acting careers and CF contracts, the same as kang mina, especially since minju is now an mc for music core

whereas for wonyoung and yujin, their both still young so I think they’ll finish school before re-debuting in groups plus yujin will be attending sopa

especially wonyoung, we all know that she’s actually really smart and is good at academics, i also think she might do modeling work, she fits the criteria

i also kinda see yujin pursuing an acting career because she will be in the theatre and film department in sopa. unless starship is going to debut a new girl group, I hope that yujin can debut as a soloist instead

WEKI MEKI: OOPSY

*inhales*

LUCY AND LUA FINALLY GETTING THE LINES THEY D E S E R V E D

I’m so happy dhshdhhs

also lua fits the short hairstyle so much, I’ve literally fallen for her help I can’t get up

as much as I love yoojung, it’s nice to see lucy rapping

the song is very catchy, I especially like rina’s part in the second verse of the song

i also love the “wolf & hunter” concept for the album

like the pictures were very beautiful, I also like how they use white for the wolves and black for the hunters, it’s like painting the hunters at the bad guys and the wolves as the good guys

I am in love with Lucy, Lua and Sei’s “nonono” part in the chorus

and the choreography for the chorus too

as much as I love elly’s blue hair, she slays in black hair dhshd I

I really love their outftis this era, i like how it’s all pants for the girls too

my favorite outfits are the black outfits from the gif

overall, this is definitely their fairest line distribution cough tika taka and dazzle dazzle cough

NATURE: GIRLS

this is my second favorite song of the month

I love the whole horror concept and I also like the fact that they released the uncensored version of the mv

it’s give the song much more of the horror vibe

I’m new to Nature and as far as I know, a member is stuck in China and another member sat out due to an injury. please correct me if I’m wrong

the outfits might be simple, but it fits so right with the song, I prefer the white dresses over the black ones

it kinda gives out the feeling that the girls are like asylum patients ya know, whereas the black dresses gives out that the girls are rich daughters that were sent away

I really like LU and Haru’s parts

the dance is also kinda a simple but it looks great!

overall, I hope that Nature will do this concept again, actually I hope to see more groups do this kind of concepts more

WAYV: TURN BACK TIME

did this comeback scare me? yes yes it did

bro the teasers were so scARY

yangyang was literally laughing like a mANIAC

MANS WAS IN AN ASYLUM OKAY

their teasers gave me so much suicide squad vibes

also, why the fuck were 4/7 members not wearing shiRTS

sm do you have a shirt shortage??? I’m sure nctzens are more than happy to donate some shirts to you

okay anyways, I’ve always liked wayv’s sci-fi concept, I don’t know if the mv’s are connected or not but I think they are

“take off” is them basically flying away from earth and they landed in space in “moonwalk” and it seems they have been captured in “turn back time”

very inch resting dhshd

listen, I may be chinese but I can’t understand 70% of the song because of how fast it goES

so with that saying, yANGYANG DID NOT COME TO PLAY

his rap was amazing !!!! he is definitely one of sm’s best rappers along with taeyong and mark

my favorite part is lucas and hendery’s rap parts and then it switches to xiaojun and yangyang + kun, ten and xiaojun getting highnotes

the dance break is so satisfying to watch too

“stop, rewind, turn back time” and “5432” part is so satisfying

also I’m really impressed with how fast LabelV responded when fans pointed out that some of the outfits had offensive phrases in them, they took the time to edit it out of the teasers and the mv, cheers to them

also! i find it funny that wayv released the Korean version of “turn back time” but all of us were much more shocked at the fact that Ten got another cat dhshd

SEVENTEEN: LEFT & RIGHT

first of all, dokyeom looks so gOOD IN THE MV

second of all, vernon and wonwoo’s “hana dul set” will forever be iconic

third, seungcheol is back 😭😭

just like twice, they get to perform as 13 again dhsjdsn

AND THEY LOOK SO HAPPY DURING THIS ERA TOO

LIKE HAVE YOU SEEN WONWOO?? HE’S SUCH A SMILEY BABY with his orange mic dhshd

also if y’all don’t have tiktok, svt has been doing the “left & right” with so many other idols including chungha and apink’s naeun!

haha joshua hong and wen junhui being real disrespectful with those sleeveless shirts

bonus point we got svt x nct china line + mark and joshua interaction at music bank

their choreography looks so fun too dhshd

the entire comeback is so cute and colorful

my favorite parts are vernon and seungcheol’s rap parts

also vernon be rocking that greaser style

their new album is so versatile, like, “fearless”, “left & right”, “kidult” and “my my”?? who’s doing it like seventeen

i love their new songs so much especially “kidult”

overall, I really really love this comeback

WJSN: BUTTERFLY

I couldn’t find a group scene gif pls forgive me

let me say, I am absolutely in love with the concept, the outfit concept for this is so creative, I don’t know if any other groups have done it before but !!

their outfits evovle like a butterfly!!

at first, the outfits were plain pastel colours but they slowly become more detailed and colourful throughout the stages, like a caterpillar to a butterfly!

center yeoreum!!!

and dayoung looks so pretty in short hair 🥺

and again, as far as I know, the Chinese members are in China, two of them are apart of the Chinese group Rocket Girl and I think Chengxiao recently returned to Korea

I really like their ending pose where their hands are in the butterfly gesture and the “wings” are slowly flapping

and how their arms represent their wings during the chorus

by far one of the moor creative comebacks in my opinion

also, it’s nice to hear soobin doing the high note instead of yeonjung, let yeonjung rest her voice once in a while ya know

SUNMI: PPORAPPIPAM

THE QUEEN IS BACKKK

also wonder girls reunion uwu

the teaser gave me so much "barbie: island princess" vibes so the entire mv was not what I expected

at all

the mv literally describes sunmi a lot, she basically does whatever the fuck she wants like when she posted that pic of jyp on instagram dhshdhs

it’s so funny especially the scene where sunmi is wearing the teletubbies head

and at the end when she wakes up and goes back to sleep is just a mood lmao

something about the song really gives me a lot of “siren” vibes but happier???

i really like the way she pronounces “pporappipam” it took me one week to finally pronounced it dhshd

idk why but I really like the instrumental, especially the intro, it’s very melancholic

also she wears converse while performing the song bc she has to step on the dancers at one part !!

speaking of that part, it’s so cool!!! the way she climbs up the dancers like stairs and then she just trust-falls into their arms

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joyisntyoj · 3 years

Text

04: LETTERS TO NOBODY OR MAYBE MAYARI

Seal stamps, stamps with whatever designs, papers and pens, stickers, pictures, dried flowers, heartwarming messages, and a lot more.

When was the last time you wrote something on a literal piece of paper for someone?

Have you ever personally given someone a handwritten letter or sent it from the post office?

Is writing a letter still a thing today, or you just use whatever app you have because what is the point if other ways are more convenient, right?

Maybe, you are more the vocal type of person and, you just say what you feel instead of writing it down?

Perhaps, you are none of the above because what is important is your presence in their lives and, that is more than enough?

Still, how lovely it is to keep something that has sentimental value. It unnecessarily means that you are hoarding something because what's to not treasure from precious memories in a small piece of paper in an envelope?

This story is for those who never get tired of expressing themselves in whatever form they know, but most especially to those who write.

May you never run out of papers, inks, and thoughts to compose. to more unforgotten memories preserved in letters.

^^^

To: Mayari.

How are you? I wish things were getting better, just like what I always pray. These days, sleeping at night suddenly became serene as well as waking up in the morning. Sometimes my days are dull and typical...I believe? But most of the time, it's either I'm feeling blue or extra sad, or was that the same? I kept on blaming the pandemic, but for real, I'm just a mess. Silent battles are truly tough. I wish I had the courage and strength just like yours. Be safe. Stay sane. I'm really trying my best to be legit all right.

With so much love and kindness always and all ways,

Liway.

Liway is the name, exhausted with life. Mayari, someone out there, maybe a supreme being or plausibly not always receives Liway's letters. Sometimes Liway writes 10 messages at once and sometimes none at all. Mayari is the only recipient of such letters that even Liway never knew they were received by the random recipient it thought was just nobody. It all genuinely started on having a recipient written on the "To:" part at the post office. Though seriously, it doesn't even have any home address. It's super weird that it's for Mayari and no address, and were received.

HOW?

^^^

To: Mayari.

The night has come. This time, it feels heavier than usual. Tears are suddenly falling. I noticed that an unwelcome visitor came. The familiar pain is hugging me again, so tight that breathing is getting harder. I hate everything. Yet, I came to realize a lot of things. Afterward, I'm feeling blessed and grateful. Am I getting crazy? Before I went to bed, at the dinner table, I felt uncomfortable with the conversation we had, my family, about myself back then. I really hate it when they keep on bringing up what happened in the past. I already moved on... I think... so can they stop mentioning those moments? Honestly, whenever anything from the past is introduced again and remembered, I tend to feel like it just happened yesterday. Everything is coming back so fresh and new; fun, pain, sweats, and tears. I hate it.

PS. Mayari, can you send me some courage? Preferably in capsules, So I can have it in my intakes and be sure I'll be really having it in my system literally.

With so much love and kindness always and all ways,

Liway.

Continues writing so many letters filled with how living is like. Liway felt tired and exhausted. A few days ago, it was super overwhelmed that crying is unavoidable. Then this morning, Ms. Walmy called for a little chat and checking up because it's never too bad to check up on somebody, most especially when you're a counselor. It's your job, so uh? Anyway, though Liway was out of focus on the call, it was able to be accomodating and warm in return. It reciprocated the thoughtfulness with a sweet smile.

^^^

To: Mayari

Hey! Today I was mad because firsthand, I experienced that thing I usually hear from other people. The "don't-post-something-revealing-on-social-media-but-love-yourself-but-that's-not-appropriate". Well, I don't even know why I'm reacting super outrage towards it. Because knowing that my family is just concerned for me since the internet is frankly scary. I mean, I did nothing wrong, so why? Maybe deciding to be confident on the internet is not necessary for them. But for me, it is! So how should I deal with this? A friend consoled me, and I feel better. Still tho, my mood is already ruined. Oh gosh.

With so much love and kindness always and all ways,

Liway.

Welcoming a new week, the usual Liway is busy with the household chores. Some may find it stressful, but this one is pretty different. Scrubbing the floor, washing the dishes, brooming on the side. Later on, folding the clothes, fixing the bed, and a lot more things. It looks like it'll be tiring its body out until the nose bleeds, and passing out is the last resort to rest. How come it's easier to clean an actual mess than the one inside the head and heart?

^^^

To: Mayari.

Beloa visited me today. My childhood and the only friend left I have up to this day from elementary school. If you get what I mean? It's been a long time since we had a chat, especially that things are super complicated these days. She's doing really well, and I couldn't be more proud. I'm still amazed at how we manage to be friends because we both don't like each other to begin with. It's so funny that we even pulled each other's hair in the 4th grade while the class is taking the annual picture for the school year remembrance. What are the odds in this even, right? HAHAHA. Today was warm and bright.

With so much love and kindness always and all ways,

Liway.

Dates suddenly don't vary in these letters. Even the concept of time is somehow gone. What's important is regardless of not having these "important details" like the usual, Liway can keep up and be consistent in sending its letters. Liway never missed a chance to send a letter to the address less recipient, which left the post office staff to ponder with it. But as time goes by, Alle, the clerk, is no more surprised 'coz she's used to everything now. The envelopes unfailingly vanished the moment it was dropped inside the mailing box. Indeed, a magical mailbox.

^^^

To: Mayari.

I never knew how amazing pretending could be. You know that thing where someone usually says I'm okay, but really not? The inner saboteur that was triggered by their trauma is real-real-real. A car is useless when it's not moving if you wanted to travel to faraway places. Does that make sense?

PS. It sucks that our bathroom is the only "semi-safe space".

With so much love and kindness always and all ways,

Liway.

Polar bears are really fascinating. They get to hibernate. Then, after the time being, back on hunting and living their lives. Ligaya was one of Liway's hero. A lot knew Ligaya for being a superhero, although she does not have that fantasy powers. Just like the polar bears, too, Ligaya has been hibernating for quite some time but kept on saying that she was not. Liway saw it all. Maybe a bear's hibernation is different from a human-being, hmm?

^^^

To: Mayari.

IDK what to say, but I just wanted to be consistent at the very least in sending you letters.

PS. The radio was broken, but in my head, it's working. It kept on playing nonstop music. Is this a poetic way of saying I'm overthinking things?

With so much love and kindness always and all ways,

Liway.

^^^

To: Mayari.

A lot happened lately. Somebody lost a precious one, and here I am, having a renaissance moment. It's a crazy ride, but for all it's worth, the pea has grown into a beautiful plant. Hope it made sense coz finally, everything is making sense to me now. Little by little, slowly and surely.

With so much love and kindness always and all ways,

Liway.

^^^

To: Mayari

Hey!! I hope you are doing great!!! These days, everything felt surreal. I get to be active everywhere. It's draining, yet I feel so alive than ever. I had this thought that time is indeed just a concept, hmm? I mean, anytime is the right time to do what you want and whatever it is. Nothing is too late, most especially when it comes to growth. OH, being late in class still counts but FOR REAL RIP TO THE ONLINE CLASS SETUP -_-

PS. May we never run out of time to be the best versions of ourselves. LOVE WHOEVER YOU WANT. fck the situation, but SOON, GO ANYWHERE YOU WANT. SPEND FOR YOURSELF AND FOR YOUR LOVED ONES. FEEL EVERYTHING.

PSS. May we leave this world with fewer regrets and more amazing memories.

With so much love and kindness always and all ways,

Liway.

Quite a lot of letters were already sent. The post office is getting more and more letters, as well as Mayari. Still, NO REPLY. Maybe some other, Liway will be able to hear Mayari's words.

^^^

To: Mayari.

*here's an envelope just in case you want to write me something*

With so much love annd kindness always and all ways,

Liway.

'Tis the season to be jolly. LOL Nah. Liway has been out for the past weeks. By out, means on a hibernation mode. A L O T R E A L L Y happened. It's hard to put it into words. I guess Liway will end these letter-sending shenanigans or just lazy and trying to give out some excuses //

^^^

To: Mayari.

Ever since I was taught how to move around the kitchen, I've been assigned to be Mom's assistant while cooking for the feast every event/occasion we'll be celebrating. It's tiring but super fun. Getting your fingers bleed and while unaware is cool LOL~

PS. Why does it feel so good to overthink things while doing the dishes? What's with that scenario.........

With so much love and kindness always and all ways,

Liway.

Tireless hands, heart, and mind with countless thoughts and feelings, papers, and pens everywhere—WRITING; it surely is one of the best ways to vent. Though letters can’t hug and wipe one's tears, witness waves of laughter, ease the pain, and such, the comfort from every word written is more than enough.

Suddenly time barge in and reminded me that this is enough. THIS IS ENOUGH FOR 2020...

A new chapter has arrived, and maybe it's time to move forward. Maybe this is where it all gonna stop for a while. I mean, writing is somehow tiring, literally. Probably, Mayari might reply with the number of letters sent anytime soon, so maybe waiting is all that needed.

No rush in moving on.

MAY YOU GET THE REPLY YOU LONG FOR SO LONG.

PRIORITIZE YOURSELF AND HAVE COURAGE.

BE KIND ALWAYS AND ALL WAYS.

💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜

Little did nobody know, Liway is writing a letter to her "ideal" self.

The letter-sending-to-nobody thingy of Liway is really mind-boggling, right?

Mayari is Liway. Liway is Mayari.

The things that Liway wanted to say but cannot articulate well were always sent to Mayari. Mayari is the version of Liway it wishes to become in the future.

The weak Liway longs and hopes to have "that" someone by her side to look up to. That's why she always writes letters and keeps them in the memory box.

The post office thingy was actually her shared room at home: the table at the corner with no lights but so much mess. It's that post office.

It's pandemic, so how can a post office be open and how brave she is to go out, right?

That saying, "be the hero you wanted to have when you were little", is the best explanation of Liway's way of venting and expressing.

Nobody knows when Mayari will come to life because it's no certainty that we can be the ideal self we all wanted to happen.

For now, Liway is fighting her battles and screaming louder to the universe,

UNTIL WHEN DO I HAVE TO FEEL THIS WAY?

To be continued...

Happy New Year, Mayari. ✨💜

This is like an excerpt from my quarantine shenanigans for 2020 LOL.

#newyear #writing #vent #shortstory #letter

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jamariaaaa · 4 years

Text

Late night confession pt 1:

TRIGGER WARNING; S*lf h*rming & S*icide

The ending of 2019 beginning of 2020 was the worst months of my life. (December- April.)

My brother (dog) died five days before my birthday.

I lost a lot of my friends..

My boyfriend aka the only person I could trust left me for my friend.

My parents found out I was depressed and didn’t do anything about it.

I realized I was being taken advantage of. But we aren’t going to get into that today.

Let’s start with my friends.

Friends: so I knew my dog was dying, but I didn’t expect him to die before my birthday. So I began to distance myself from everyone, this girl stayed by my side no matter what, and so did my boyfriend. He knew not to talk about dogs around me, because I would automatically breakdown. Obviously people thought I was being fake, and they left then and there. I can say it’s my fault, but I didn’t want to cry around people 24/7 about an animal. That’s very obnoxious right?

Getting left for my friend; Getting taken for advantage: so it’s December 2nd. Four days before my dog dies, 9 days before my birthday. I had a sinus infection so I was feeling like shit. My boyfriend at the time came up to me, he could see I was distraught. He took it as if I was mad at him, it hurt to talk. I didn’t want to talk. I wasn’t ignoring him. So I tried to talk to him, but he pushed me away. So I went to gym, yeah I lost most of my friends but I had some good kids in gym who liked me. So my best friend came up to me, she could tell I was PISSED, hell even some of her homeboys could tell I wasn’t having it. So there I was, I hot mess, stuttering, shaking. It was bad. And the worst part was, I had class with him after that. That continued for two days until the fourth. I finally had enough, he wasn’t going to talk to me, so I got my cousin. My cousin is around 250 pounds and up, (113 kg.) I finally got him to talk to me. I was already pissed once again. And when I’m mad, I start crying. So I was crying, I guess that ‘broke his heart’ because once he seen that I was crying he started apologizing, my dumbass accepted that shit.

The taken advantage part.. sheeesh. I never noticed but this ass, took advantage of my body BAD. I hate people touching me, but he would always find ways to touch my bum or even seek his hands into my pants, NOT OKAY. But I never wanted to say anything because I was afraid he was going to leave me. Which he did in the end. Whatever. But after we did breakup, it seemed like he still wanted me around but hated me at the same time. We had Spanish together so that was worst. Every time I would see him, I would automatically go into a shaking/twitching spell, and it wouldn’t stop until class ending. Anyway one particular day, I was sitting with him, and we were talking random shit. Sometimes I say things that don’t come out right (18+) and I guess he took it For real. When I looked back up from my paper, I seen his dick. Like he whipped it out it class. I tried to ignore him, until I had to tie my fucking shoe. GOD I HATE MY SHOE NOW. After I tied it, he grabbed my head and shoved me down on to his member. Very disgusting, we weren’t dating anymore and this was fucking forced. Ngl I had feelings for him still, I did touch it a couple of times, I’m not going to make him the villain, but what he did wasn’t right.

Back to the break up topic: it was January 22nd(?) idk fuck the date. So we got in an argument for whatever reason, and that’s when he broke up with me, I was already suffering, I felt like the black sheep in my household and I didn’t have a shoulder to lean on and cry. That sucked the most. So after he broke up with me, I just went incognito. I stopped going to school for a couple of days. And even when I did go to school, I would call my grandma to come get me. It made me so sick, I woke up shaking one day. Could barley walk nor talk. I was hurt. I felt like my world was ending. I wanted to die. Not because of getting broken up with, but just not being enough for everyone. My grades were slipping and so was my mind. There was a bunch of times where I would just think about killing myself then and there. Nobody knew of these thoughts but my sister.. even so then she told my mom and what did I get? Yelled at. At that point I wasn’t having it. I was self harming myself and all. The cuts were pretty bad to the point where, when my heart would beat you could see the heartbeat movement thumping through my left breast. Yes it’s supposed to do that when your heartbeat is hard or something like that. I think it only happens when you’re nervous. But every time I would step out of a quiet place, I would have an anxiety attack, even if it was going on the bus.

This leads me to my last topic, my parents finding out I was depressed: this was in April, the found out from my eldest sister. They acted like I didn’t know what love was and how it felt to be heartbroken. They said I didn’t have depression and it was for attention. They didn’t even try to have a talk with me about anything, just constant yelling. Even my middle sister said it was wrong for them to do, I really didn’t want to live after that. I couldn’t even sleep in my bed that night. I got in the shower and sat on the floor facing the wall for twenty minutes, just rocking back and forth, I didn’t feel loved at all. That night I slept with my sister, she knew how I felt. I actually prayed that I would die in my sleep that night. But to them it was just tough love.

Honestly it took me a while to write this confession. I haven’t healed completely from the twitching and anxiety. But I’m fine now. I think the entire yelling part from my parents helped me out, because now I’m not as soft as I was anymore. I know this is all over the place but I tried to write it without crying like a dumbass, I SUCCEEDED!! Well yeah, this was an late night confession:))) heh I really do like those pictures :)) (while writing this, I’m listening to crossing fields by LiSA. I WANNA DANCE.. but it’s 4:22 in the morning. Hahah)

#nct #nct chenle #nct mark #nct jaemin #nct haechan #nct jaehyun #nct taeyong #nct jungwoo #nct doyoung #nct 127 #nct dream #late night confessions

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