iwriteoutofnecessity

[iwriteoutofnecessity]

I curse under my breath.

I let out a long string of expletives as you walk away with your hands in fists at your side. The scars are already forming, a pretty little reminder covering up the decay that's inside.

Your smile was the first thing I noticed and now the first thing I miss. Being with you was simple; there was nothing to endure besides the moments I missed your touch, the way your arms wrapped around me made me feel like the world was ours.

We never indulged in petty fights because we both knew we could never stay mad at each other.

There was a very distinct way you would say my name like it was something to be held gently, softly spoken. Now, I just live my life mindlessly, wandering through the corridors of my mind, not knowing the way out.

I'm stuck in my head, I shun the way this is making me feel, but it all sticks to me, clinging to my shirt.

I'm not sure if it's permissible to remove these memories from my bones because without them, I'm not sure what else I have to live for.

#prose #creative writing #spilled ink #poetry #these words are my heart #spilled thoughts #writing #spilled words #writing page #instagram #hello friends #rare sighting #love #lost relationships #relationships

[iwriteoutofnecessity]

Cinquain - bouquet

Beauty,

Birth of bouquet,

The flowers remind me

Of hearts made of stems and petals.

Now live.

#prose #creative writing #cinquain #rejectscorner #spilled ink #poetry #these words are my heart #spilled thoughts #writing #spilled words #writing page

[iwriteoutofnecessity]

Like origami

Like origami, our bodies fold into one another, perfectly intertwined and enveloped in warmth. When your eyes first crashed into mine and your words hurtled at my sternum like asteroids, I never imagined it would be you who actually saved me. I was lost and broken, unaware I was throwing my life into the gutters of littered streets, dirty and void of beauty. When you wrapped yourself around me, I finally felt safe and I haven't wanted to let go since.

#prose #creative writing #rejectscorner #spilled ink #poetry #these words are my heart #spilled thoughts #writing #spilled words #writing page #instagram

[iwriteoutofnecessity]

We forget good times,

My mind is an eraser,

Left feeling lacking.

#creative writing #poetry #literature #writing #writers on tumblr #my writing #heartbreak #haiku #original haiku #haiku poem #my haiku

[iwriteoutofnecessity]

Insta mental

I'm waiting for the moment when it all comes crumbling down in front of me. It's been months and I'm tired and I'm scared and anxious from constantly shifting between too depressed to move and too manic to understand if I'm actually manic or if for once I'm possibly happy.

The lines formed by the crease of my lips tell a story of a boy who dreamed so big his lungs nearly burst when he finally stopped to take it all in.

I may not be where I thought I would end up, but maybe I've found a place I want to throw myself into and take life as it comes my way. Learning to not lie down and passively accept the abuse of others has been the hardest part because how does someone stop blaming themselves for what was never their fault?

I'm not broken. I can't be fixed. All I want is to embrace the change I want and fight for what was always out of my reach. But I'm not sure if that's ever enough.

I watch the sky bleed from behind my bedroom window. The way the rain looms is a reminder that moments will come and go and seasons will change and I shouldn't measure myself by the success I think I've found.

I would rather find myself instead.

[iwriteoutofnecessity]

Insta?

My heart sank when you whispered to me that you didn't know how to turn any of it off. The voices passing through your head were too loud and no matter how hard you banged your head against the wall, they stuck with you.

Paint chips from the ceiling settle on my open outstretched hands and I sift through them as if it's in them I'll find the answer to why I'm always hurting. They're lifeless and void of meaning, not too different from the way I see myself most days.

I scream at the mirror, the indifference in my voice bouncing off the glass and into the reflections of my eyes. I wish I could still believe some of the lies because maybe then I would still think I stood a chance.

You called me last night to ask if I was okay but I sent you to voicemail. It's easier to pretend I'm busy than to tell you I'm falling apart.

I lay in bed and finally feel some silence. I call out for you only to finally realize I am you and you're just the voice inside my head.

[iwriteoutofnecessity]

Insta spoken word

I wondered if the lines on my palms would ever tell a story I was proud of and knew to be true.

I grew up and I accrued trauma and I drank and smoked and found emptiness disguised as love in every single romantic relationship I ever had. The problem is false love doesn't last and alcoholism ruins your life and everything within it, especially the relationships you learned to rely too heavily upon to bring happiness.

I wondered if the bags under my eyes would tell a story of a boy who filled the oceans with his sadness until he fell asleep.

Eventually I got sober and all my emotions came flooding back in. The guilt was the strongest. It wrapped itself around my insides, constricting them to the point where I often couldn't breathe. So does the crippling anxiety. I've learned to manage my expectations of myself and practice forgiveness. I'm learning to love myself again or maybe for the first time ever. I'm still stumbling in the darkness but it's better than dying.

I wondered if maybe I have no story to tell because it isn't finished.

[iwriteoutofnecessity]

Resurface. I'm writing again and have lots to add soon.

Nobody Really Knows Me

I push them away before they do.

Secret 1: Today I looked at myself in the mirror for the first time in weeks without wanting to bang my head against the glass.

Secret 2: Someone cut me off on the highway on my way home. I flipped them off and they screeched to a halt. We sat in silence for over a minute. I wish I hadn’t stayed in my car.

Secret 3: Maybe I’m just overcritical. Or the more likely conclusion is I never learned how to stand up for myself.

Secret 4: My coworker made a joke about hanging himself the other day. Instead of saying something, I sat there awkwardly and fought back tears. What he’ll never know is that thought has seriously been running through my veins for weeks.

Secret 5: I treat girls and romantic relationships the same way I promised myself that I never would. I make the excuse that I get bored easily, but the truth is I’m just afraid to let myself get close to someone else.

Secret 6: I have lived in a constant state of hurt ever since I can remember. It surrounds me and when I don’t envelop it, I push it outwards onto others.

Secret 7: I keep telling myself I just need to be in the right environment in order to be happy when I know deep down the biggest obstacle I must overcome to truly achieve happiness is the one I’ve built over my heart.

Secret 8: I’ve always been good at pushing down my own problems when I’m at work, but the other day I almost lost my composure with a kid. I wish I could let him know it had more to do with me than it had to do with him.

Secret 9: I hold onto my intimate feelings for too long. Sometimes I wonder if they’re really there or if I use them as a crutch.

Secret 10: I relapsed on drugs and alcohol just over 7 months ago after being sober for almost 4 years. I’m starting to get cravings again, not in the sense where I really want to get obliterated, but in the sense that I don’t want to feel anymore. I know that when I’m trashed, my likelihood of offing myself becomes much higher and that doesn’t scare me anymore.

Secret 11: I’m terrified.

[iwriteoutofnecessity]

Resurface

Prompt Challenge #2 7/1/18

Prompt supplied by @coffin-prompts and sent to me once again by @melindawrites thanks for pushing me back into writing.

Prompt: There are bullets between the eyes of the people who have touched her.

I went a little off kilter from the prompt but this is what I came up with. I apologize for the low quality.

—————-

She sat in front of the small fire on her front porch steps, head in her hands, letting the warmth spill over her. The events of an hour ago swirled between her ears as she choked up pain and a fucked up sense of guilt that she knew didn’t belong but carried with her nonetheless. She just knew it was her fault, some way, somehow. The wall she had built up between her ribcage and fractured heart had served its purpose, but at what cost? Another man had walked out her door, after taking up space in her chest for months, and sneaking in little moments to strip off pieces of her porcelain skin bit by bit only to look inside and find out he wasn’t sure he liked what he saw. She had worked for years to hide away her secrets, to usher the past and the scars it brought with it into a dark little corner of her insides. She always viewed herself as broken, something in orbit that had gone off axis. She was losing control and losing everyone she loved along with it.

When she was 8, she watched her father beat her mother to a pulp, all while sitting on the ground, hands on her knees, begging and crying for it to stop. It didn’t. This was what she knew of love.

When she was 13, a boy in her class cornered her in the girls bathroom and touched her inappropriately. He threatened to kill her if she told anyone. She had pushed this so far down, it was only brought to light again a few weeks ago at a therapy session. She now knows this is when she first developed PTSD and yet another distorted idea of how a girl deserves to be treated.

When she was 18 and a freshman in college, she met a boy who helped her see something inside of herself she had forgotten was there: beauty. Not just any kind of beauty either. A beauty that surpasses just the physical, but a beauty of the heart and mind. He told her he had never met anyone like her before; that he had never met a girl that lived with such fire. A few months later he doused that same fire when alcohol and drugs became more important than her and the only way he knew how to show love was by accusing her of being a whore and by leaving his handprint across her bare back and throat. It was then she remembered her parents and the love she had known growing up. Maybe she deserved it. It took her best friend witnessing the abuse to wrench her out of his grip.

Boy after boy had came and went since then, each with a promise of treating her right, but each leaving with a fragment of her very being just the same. Sometimes she would catch herself wondering what had happened to each one of them, only to quickly snap back to reality as she would attempt to assure herself she was better off without them.

The truth is, love is fucked up. People are even more fucked up. But how can we be so sure of what we truly deserve without having first seen the evil and ugliness behind people’s eyes? She was beginning to learn that true love isn’t giving all of yourself to someone else, because then what do we have left?

She felt cold and empty, even as the fire raged before her, but for the first time in her life, she had began to understand what she deserved most of all. A tide of emotions swept over her, soothing her aching bones, and it was then she knew the purest love of all is the love one can have for one’s self.

[iwriteoutofnecessity]

Cracked silhouettes cover this trail of hindered thoughts, leaving scattered promises of another life behind.

I scream out for something that isn't there, a raspy throat gives birth to a string of lies hiding between gritted teeth.

Why is it that everything close seems so far away? It comes with no warning or caution but it's there day after day.

The stars crash into the moon and the skies light up and sometimes i can feel that in my chest when signals get mixed and wrapped around each other.

Nothing makes sense anymore, especially this.

#prose #creative writing #rejectscorner #spilled ink #poetry #literature #writing #writers on tumblr #my writing #nonsense #writers of tumblr #my voice

[iwriteoutofnecessity]

#bipolar1 #bipolardepression #bipolar #mania #mentalhealthmatters #mentalhealth #mentalhealthblog #bipolar1disorder #loveyourself #insidemyhead https://www.instagram.com/p/CgQ6MZgusBd/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

#bipolar1 #bipolardepression #bipolar #mania #mentalhealthmatters #mentalhealth #mentalhealthblog #bipolar1disorder #insidemyhead

[iwriteoutofnecessity]

SEND ME PROMPTS PLEASE. That is all.

#creative writing #anon prompt #poetry prompt #prompt #send prompts

[iwriteoutofnecessity]

Cracked silhouettes cover this trail of hindered thoughts, leaving scattered promises of another life behind.

I scream out for something that isn't there, a raspy throat gives birth to a string of lies hiding between gritted teeth.

Why is it that everything close seems so far away? It comes with no warning or caution but it's there day after day.

The stars crash into the moon and the skies light up and sometimes i can feel that in my chest when signals get mixed and wrapped around each other.

Nothing makes sense anymore, especially this.

#prose #creative writing #rejectscorner #spilled ink #poetry #literature #writing #writers on tumblr #my writing #nonsense #writers of tumblr #my voice

[iwriteoutofnecessity]

#bipolar1 #bipolardepression #bipolar #mania #mentalhealthmatters #mentalhealth #mentalhealthblog #bipolar1disorder #loveyourself #insidemyhead https://www.instagram.com/p/CgQ6MZgusBd/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

#bipolar1 #bipolardepression #bipolar #mania #mentalhealthmatters #mentalhealth #mentalhealthblog #bipolar1disorder #loveyourself #insidemyhead

[iwriteoutofnecessity]

My mental health will never allow me to lead the life I'd like. It's always there to hold me back.

#mental health #bipolar 1 #depression #prose #mental health awareness #mental health support

[iwriteoutofnecessity]

I.

Caught in high tide,

Lovers drowned by sorrow.

I still remember the day I died,

Am abrupt end to my tomorrow.

II.

We've been running in circles under the full moon. Our heartbeats grow louder as the moon gives way to the sun and your static touch makes a flower bloom. Silent. They're coming.

III.

Trapped within the confines of my mind, I watch helplessly as the shadows creep in, covering the ground around me. I tried to fix myself once only to realize I'm the only one who sees myself as broken. Open up your arms and embrace me.

IV.

Water trickling through my hands,

A desert of hindered memories.

Nothing ever goes as planned,

Wipe away the past, a cool breeze.

V.

Fantasy is bleeding into reality and I am torn. These pages can only hold so much before they become illegible. Wipe the slate clean and dig deep, I'm falling through to another dimension.

K.M.

[iwriteoutofnecessity]

It's been hard lately to muster the will to even function. I flip through the TV channels mindlessly until I ultimately just let the noise drown out mine.

Homework. Eat. Sleep. Self care. A list of things i must do but I rarely do well. I'm always tired. The insomnia and bipolar mania rule this realm. My appetite is lacking and I notice I've lost weight without really trying.

Is this how my life is going to go? I dig deep for the answer to this question but am found wanting. Always wanting but never getting.

Just let me fade away.