learningtobeme365

[learningtobeme365]

Gossip girl <3

#gossip girl

[learningtobeme365]

Why do care so much about how strangers in the street perceive us if we are likely to only see them once in ours lives?

#question

[learningtobeme365]

DISABLED PERSON: I was treated terribly by a medical professional today. OTHER PERSON: Oh. Doctors are under so much pressure, though. I feel sorry for them.

DISABLED PERSON (who has been traumatised multiple times by the medical system): ?!

[learningtobeme365]

Questions and Peace

If you look through any of my blog posts a recurring theme in my life is trauma and loss of identity - two things that are impacting my life at this point in time. I often stay awake thinking, wondering how things could have been different, how I could have been different. I often wonder how I survived so long my mental health was fragile at best even before my trauma occurred.

Why?

How?

What?

Who?

I often find myself asking, why me? How did so many people ignore what was going on? What can I do to move on from this? Who can I trust? Whilst contemplating and processing I often find myself disassociating, I sit down for a second and two hours later I am still there.

But I understand it’s part of the healing process and now I am so much stronger than before, I was in severe debilitating pain for 4.5 years yet I managed to not let that ruin my life. I may be traumatised but that doesn’t mean my future is ruined.

#ptsd #crps #medical trauma #trauma #recovery #mental health #vent #depression #anxiety

[learningtobeme365]

Finding Strength in Others

Last year I was on set for a short film and with my CRPS which was not being managed at the time it was really hard for me, I found myself wondering whether I could actually do it, my body was screaming in agony and my mind was just focused on getting it done. It’s a weird feeling when you are doing something you love and are passionate about but can’t say it was fun because your body was fighting against you.

On my second day while I was sitting outside with my ankles in a tub of water (to bring my pain down to a point where I could semi function) one of the mums who was helping out on set approached me, she said that she too suffered from chronic pain and told me that I was so brave and that she believed in me, I think her encouragement was something that really helped me get through the experience (as well as a lot of trauma related daydreaming).

A few months later, it is now May 2023 and I finally have my pain at a point where I can move forward with life however my mind is consumed with PTSD; I scroll online and suddenly something catches my eye, the blog of that incredible woman I met. Upon reading her blog I am horrified about the things that happened to her (she went through a lot of abuse which I too suffered from) and many other things yet she is still alive, she is a mother and one of the sweetest people I ever met.

How amazing is it to find strength in others?

#ptsd #crps #trauma #crps warrior #recovery #healing #gratitude

[learningtobeme365]

important reminder for people who menstruate:

if your cramps are so painful you can't do daily tasks, take care of yourself or get out of bed. if you pass out or vomit from cramps. if you can't walk or stand up properly from cramps. if you need to take pain medicine when you get cramps or else you will get sick, pass out, whatever.

seek medical help. people talk about how painful cramps are, and it's true, but there's a level of pain that simply isn't normal, and you need to get it checked

signed: someone who was recently diagnosed with endometriosis

[learningtobeme365]

Eye of the Storm

Everyday it may not get easier but everyday you will get stronger and stronger till one day the world could be crumbling out your feet, you’ll feel on the point of breaking down and your body will exhausted and you may not be joyful but you will be at peace and still be able to move forward, for you will be the eye of the storm

#acceptance #ptsd #trauma #recovery #crps #poetry

[learningtobeme365]

The Pain Of Putting Things Into Words

“Talking is the best way to heal”. But what happens if every time you try to speak, every time you go to write your body freezes up, your mind goes blank and tears start rolling down your cheeks.

The phrase “I’m here if you want to talk” becomes painful to here. Why can’t they just say I’m here for you and leave it at that?

When your identity has been fractured and your spirit has been broken how are you meant to put that into words?

#ptsd #trauma #cptsd #crps #abuse survivor #recovery #poetry #mentalhealthawareness #medical trauma #school trauma

[learningtobeme365]

Dogs and People

I have a dog, he’s a crazy boy who loves walks, swimming, pats, food (especially oat yogurt and pepperoni) and sleep, daily life feels him with so much joy. Whenever I walk him he always looks to me with a big cheesy grin on his face (hence one of his nicknames being Cheese Twistie). Something I’ve always admired about dogs is there ability to love the little things in life and live in the moment, when my dog is at the beach or on a walk all he is focused on the sounds, smells and feelings of his surrounding environment and he is joyful because of it. For me, dogs represent the essence of living in the moment and being present (two things I do need more of in my life). How incredible would it be if humans were more like dogs? Free from desire, anxiety and fear - truly present.

#just some thoughts #mental health #recovery #ptsd #depression #anxiety #dogs

[learningtobeme365]

Loneliness is getting to me tbh

#vent #anxiety #mentalhealth

[learningtobeme365]

Fear

I feel like I’m caught between two roads - the past and the future, both pulling at me whispering “I am the truth”.

But neither is true, I’m not in the past or the future I’m in the present.

Since I was little, fear has been a constant in my life. In primary school I was bullied severely, then developed mental health issues at the age of 10, then got into an extremely abusive friendship, then developed crps and been in severe pain from years, then my mum got cancer - Silly me getting stuck in the past

What happens if nothing changes? What happens if my mental and physical health declined further? What happens if I get abandoned again? What - Getting stuck in the future now…

I challenge myself: what happens if I stay present? Work with the here and now to ensure I never have to relive my past and can enjoy my future?

#crps #ptsd #trauma #recovery #vent #anxiety #healing #reflection

[learningtobeme365]

A little goes a long way, an ant makes a kingdom where ever you are today you are sure to receive wisdom - learningtobeme365

#quotes #recovery #ptsd #mentalhealth #crps warrior #poetry #healing

[learningtobeme365]

Kindness (A Little Goes A Long Way)

“Be kind,” says the teacher at an assembly full of bored and annoyed high school students who for the most part just want to get out of there. Within the sea of annoyed school kids, there lays one who is an exception she listens to reflects back on her own life and comes to the realisation - kindness is the only reason she’s still breathing.

Being kind is much deeper than it may seem on the surface, it is not simply choosing polite words and refraining from harmful ones. Kindness is what lies beneath our skin, it is the very force that drives our curiosity, creativity and innovative self.

You admit you can’t relate to me but you do show empathy for what I’ve been through, “I’m sorry to hear you went through so much,” you say and honestly that is enough. Kindness is the fundamental driving force which keeps our society alive.

So choose kindness always 💗

#recovery #crps #ptsd #trauma #depression #anxiety #mentalhealth #healing #kindness #thoughts

[learningtobeme365]

Drained

The past few months I’ve had so much change go in my life and it’s exhausting (even though not all the change of bad). I feel like I am in the middle of a transformation but whether it’s good or bad is yet to be seen

#mentalhealth #some thoughts #recovery

[learningtobeme365]

Interesting Discovery I had in Therapy

Yesterday I had psychology and I went over the list of the trauma caused by my CRPS with my psychologist and she told me to look inwards and guided me through a meditation to do so. Through this meditation I discovered that with each trauma Ive been through as they have been not connected, I have had different responses to each one. With an abusive friendship I was in, I feel like I cope with that trauma through regressing into a childlike state however with this one, I go into protector mode and want to make a difference in the world so other people don’t have to experience the same thing I went through. My psychologist also suggested I journal my inner ‘ecosystem’ and discover what triggers certain behaviours and personality traits of mine to come out.

TLDR: Has anyone else who has been through multiple traumatic events discovered that each time they reacted differently?

#ptsd #crps #anxiety #recovery #depression #crps warrior #trauma #healing #my observations

[learningtobeme365]

Fear of Abandonment (Disorganised Rant From the Heart)

Hell is how I’d describe my fear of abandonment it’s ruined my relationships with so many people because I’ve been so scared of them leaving me that I become either way too clingy or extremely distant because I’m scared that if they know the real me they’re going to leave. I feel like whenever I am in a conversation with someone I’m constantly having to reign in my emotional intensity because I have this overwhelming urge to get extremely close to people and know everything about their lives and try to help them through their problems because I think that if I make myself everything they want me to be then they won’t leave me. I feel so empty everyday I think the person inside of me died a long time ago but I don’t know when, my life has been a series of trauma after trauma and I feel so tired and disassociated all the time, my life, brain and body is no longer mine. All I can rely on for my identity is other people and that’s what my fear of abandonment is.

#abandonment #depression #anxiety #ptsd #recovery #rant #mental health #trauma

[learningtobeme365]

When people think of chronic pain they often neglect to consider the trauma it brings, this is what I survived/are surviving

#crps #chronic illness #crps warrior #crps/rsd #chronic pain #recovery #ptsd #trauma