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drunk letter part 2? may 19 2019 same person i guess
i cant red my letter to you. so im writing another because im dub as shit, a stupid fuck, and whatever other name you may deem applicable. change of pen, sorry. but i like you so much. obviously im not the first, nor am i the last. but everything about you, from your f__? r__? up your to the ischevious little smile of you wen you do something you know you shouldn’t have, everything abotu your face brightens my day. whether between classes, before BFAYO or an impromptu dining hall run in. im shy, stupid, and scared. you saw it all. and you helped me forget a lot of it too. lots of others will come after me, i know. im one of many perhaps one of the most forgettable, small things youve had the displeasure of dealing with. dont pity me. you are amazing, thriving, driven, lonely??(cantrread) young man. threr is hope for us. and for you. you stand out from a crowd and are who we strive to be like. i cant. but you make me feel like i bought ???Wtf theis is where it gets werid jesus
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drunk letter i wrote 03.19.2019 the day of my commencement about the guy i did selgs
you know my dumbass likes you. so fucking much. your sweet, cheerful little smile, the tiny gritting of your teeth in frustration, and that mischevious look when you do something you know you shouldn’t. We haven’t done much, perhaps anything at all because I’m such a fucking coward. But I haven’t felt????can’tread?? When I pass by you on my way to class or right before BFAYO rehearsal, I didn’t know that seeing someone like you would ??? into my life with ??? or as grateful as I seen yo. Beer ?? YOu won’t graduate for another year and I understand that is a long fucking while.
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05.08.2019
the fact that I don’t want to talk about what has happened because i dont think its a big deal is the exact reason why i gotta talk about something isnt it?
well, there’s a party on friday that i’m not invited to. i think its cuz of nemo. oh my god. anyway, who would have thought im the type to be someones enemy? im not two-faced. I guess this semester im just kind of a flirt. i liked the two messages in the group chat about who is a senior AND who is staying until saturday. exclusion is fun?
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Not even death, could keep us apart.. - Lakyn Dunn
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05.03.2019 To my future spouse who is out there studying...
I hope you’re doing well. I hope you feel prepared for your exams and get a good night’s sleep, but I hope you have the dedication and willpower to study as much as you feel like you need to as well. I know you’re not employing the best study habits, and I know you’re not healthy. I know because I do not attract those who do. You are probably a mess, trudging along. But I hope you’re smiling. Because I’m not. And that’s all I need, someone who can smile through the pain. But so much do I want you to dream big, dream like I do, dream your own dreams and I hope that by God our dreams twist together and unite in the DNA of our love and marriage. It’s unrealistic to believe that will happen, people are always talking about sacrifices in love and in marriage and in happiness. But I won’t be happy without my success and I won’t be happy without yours. Am I asking for a lot? As we exit our collegiate life, I do not know where in the world you may be, and I do not know if you obsess over our future as I do. But all I can hope is that right now you are doing okay. Studying. Trying hard and knowing that there is a light at the end of this dark week. Is it melodramatic to say finals bring me to the darker recesses of my mind, of broken friendships and failed exams? Of loves never pursued and hatred never died? Lmao, to think that this little bit of academic stress breaks me. The real world will beat me down, the real world is full of dirty games, and I hope I can at least navigate that with you by my side. But in the moral bubble of academic integrity, I will falter in presenting my intelligence, in keeping myself together, in maintaining focus. God, I pray that you help me now. And you help my future man too. Please. Wherever he may be. Help us be happy now, and help us be happy in the future. Help us be successful now, and in the future too.
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04.30.2019 It’s been a really rough day but I guess I’m numb.
Someone sat in my theology seat during the last class. Whatever, lol thought it was funny. Found out there was ink on my pants, pink ink on my crotch. During chemistry we had a guest lecturer who was standing in the row behind? the first row where I sit so I sat in a different spot, and that was weird. I got my text back. Also I left, not sure if class ended but that was a little wonky. And it’s raining. And I had dinner with Jazzy, that was nice, DunneDude came to join and we argued in a fun way and it was just super weird but fine idk. Jazzy brought me an extra umbrella, she is so sweet. Found out my pants were ripped.
Had issues with the LHS recognition stuff. Idk. Turns out im not getting recognition. Whateer, that made me sad. And stuff.
And then there was the UNC Charlotte shooting. right near where I lived. Right after the Chabad poway shooting. i don’t have a lot of words. I think I’m numb. I don’t know what we did to deserve these kinds of shootings. It happened on the last day of classes.
I just hope there isnt’ one here tomorrow. God, I hope everything and everyone will be all right.
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Sunday 03.17.2019 wassup it urs favorite dumb bitch
im crying again :)
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Wednesday 02.12.2019 I am not okay
booze cruise was stressful, princess leia was bad, and i think i have to finally accept that I have a temper.
if i read this in the future i will probably laugh because honestly who cares about a booze cruise?!
I am the common denominator in all my broken relationships. I worry I get angry too easily. Yikes.
I’m working this weekend for JPW. I’m not sure why. I guess I need to distract myself. I need the money. Everything is a major yikes. Ugg. Fuck me. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck I’m so lonely and I hate myself and I have work to do and I don’t think I would have felt this way at this point in the semester.
Even when i finish writing, when im not in the mood to rant, i just want to be sad . I just want to mull over my feelings. Is that okay? Just write until I’m okay? Does that happen? I don’t think ever thought I would feel like this. I had a fun time drinking on Saturday, tho Andrea did get a little too drunk for her own good. She also propositioned me. I was like yikes. She blacked out, when I told her in real life she’s like what I say drunk isn’t a lie, I just wouldn’t say it sober because that would ruin everything. i didn’t realize the implications of that until a day later. oh my god. And we’re getting everything waxed on thursday together, just for fun. and friday a performance. saturday i work, sunday i work. then next week should also be a relatively light week hopefully? idk. i have this gigantic 7 page thing for mergers and acquisitions due wednesday a long with a presentation but sleazy kevin is in my class so I really want to do a good job, but i already know my nerves will have me all fucked up. god, please help me. it’s the day of our lourdes lady or something. i went to the grotto because my mom asked me for that. oh yeah, i went to spanish mass yesterday for the first time in a while a few years freshman year. it was nice. i sat between andrea and leslie. near carlos. his new girl princess leia is so mean to me. and im mean to her. its not healthy. jesus christ. maybe its cuz i keep jerking it. i dont drink that much. idk. theres no cause to why im like this. i would stop anything at all for me to be happy.
im starting to think its because ive cut out anything negative ever. maybe i need to add things. Idk. idk idk idk. maybe i need to stop blaming eveyrhting else , because i do that a lot. but arent i blaming myself when i blame the things i do? idk. i have the discipline. maybe i just dont have the motivation .is this sadness, is this hating yourself, maybe im blaming depression too for nothign that it does to me?
do i really deserve anything i do? why am i asking that question, im mad, not sad. idk. nat u good? bitch u think i know hahaha. idk. my room is surprsingly not messy. its not clean.
i dare myself to fix myself. Stop talking. bitch stop fucking talking, i promise you all yoru problems will go away. delete those tweets. slowly but surely. and you have your life planned out. you get some money this weekend. you dont need to bring back toxic people but how did you cut them off so cleanly? i dont know. am i crazy? i can���t be. what the fuck is bipolar disorder? that cant be me. i dont have depression or anything? its just me being sad while in south bend? cuz i was fine at home. right? i will be fine again. idk. i wish i just had someone to rely on. do i really not? am i my own? i guess time to be religious again. but i am? do i need to go to confession? god? yikes, im not sure if im okay. hellllllp. lol. someone will read this and think im crazy. no, my humour is just a little fucked. :/ please don’t read this diary. this is a tumblr, not a diary! kajdgklajd;lkgj ad;kgj ;afkg yiekls yikes yikes yikes yikes fuck meeEEEEEe maybe thursday’s pain will help me!
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01.30.19 I’m a piece of shit.
fought with romulus. fought with princess leia. yikes. and i was wrong on both. lost my tinder date. im going to go drown myself in my own tears. i did cry :/
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Sunday 01.27.2019 still alone.
yikes. yikes yikes yikes yikes. my laptop mouse keys still don’t work particularly well. I am sort of keeping up with my classes despite being confused as hell and like barely keeping up because i have no focus (or is this called depression? ADHD? am i even okay?) I’ve lost my interest in music but im not sure if that’s healthy. im trying to catch up with friends from a while ago but i finished that last week. we have formal this weekend and im not sure what to do about that. because we normally pregame together. but one friend is an RA and the other friend i dont want to hang out with after the fuccking fight. so i want to bring Charlie Brown as our friend. But I kind of want to ask a guy but idk. Prongs broke up with his girlfriend from a while ago.
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Under the Unminding sky
Painting by Gregory Thielker
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12.31.2018 i forgot to share my dream
okay so i was a year graduated from college, going to join on the disneyland trip. but i was so fucking exhausted i woke up at 8, not at 6, so i missed the bus and i was yelling at my house and my mom said it was no big deal. even in my head im like who would i hang out with? oh yeah, i used to be close to david and remus. (funny how we forgot who we used to be super close to for short periods of time. RIP.) so im like can i drive to disney? maura was also in our house, and i was yelling like an angry father with anger issues. i then realized i had anger issues. It was wild. Chencha was home too, but she didn’t do much. then there was a post apocalyptic setting. that was weird, because i had to take vitamins but in a sketch place that made them feel like drugs.
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Monday 12.31.2018 15 minutes until the new year.
I need to be better this year. So much better. I think I need to go to a more hippy vibe or something, more go with the flow. Maybe not smiley as I used to be, but I can’t be serious. Finance will beat me to a pulp. I am great a performing....but who am I behind the stage? Other than complaining that I’m different back there? Nah, a reddit post said we’re like onions....even as you peel back all the layers, you remain the same.
Just read a reddit comment about Momo, calling her grounded and passionate. That is Shakey, not me. Imagine being like that? Grounded...and being able to go as far and fast as you want because you know where you’re going?
Tomorrow will probably be a long day to reflect. I need to repositioning myself. I’ve been spending my energy where I don’t know where it will land.
Even writing this, I feel empty. normally there is a plot. Speaking of plot, I worry my novel is too cheesy. Too fanfictiony.
started the new year with successful by ariana grande. then no more dream by bts. now a bongo song.
I will come back to this tomorrow. pray for me, i guess. one resolution is to rely less on images. more on me. and another is to fix my sleep schedule.
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Monday 11.12.2018
I’m trying to go to the grotto every day. It’s getting colder and harder to do, although I’m only on day 2. I’m thinking about how freshman year I walked around at night for 20, 30, 45 minutes and it helped cleared my mind...and was an immense waste as well. I’ll go once I leave the library, perhaps I’ll stop by lafun...not sure if I’m in the mood for anything, I plan on eating one of my ramen cups, but perhaps a monster or something of the sort would be good for tomorrow.
I have an international finance exam on Thursday, and truly believed I was ahead of the game by having started studying last week. Turns out that tomorrow I have a quiz in that class. Thankfully we have the questions beforehand, but they’re so difficult to do. Charlie Brown’s Little Red Haired Girl (CBLRHG?) is really helping me out with verifying answers, she’s truly a godsend. She’s so sweet. Although she’s kind of a ditz, but she’s smart too. I’m worried we clicked too much? Does that make sense? I’m wondering what is secretly wrong with her, you know? She’s too perfect, in a way that some friends are. She’s from Chicago, too, so I can see her after graduation.
I’m hoping relieving my thoughts here will help me talk less about them w Vroomy, especially after that strange little kerfuffle on Friday and what a shitshow of a day that was.
I need to figure out if I’ll stay in my lab or not. I really don’t know if it’s a good idea. It makes me sad, takes up a ton of time, but I need to figure out my grades and time and what is valuable to me at this point in my life. I know it’s just a class, but the confrontation of it scares me. I don’t think I should lie to the PI. I’ve thoroughly enjoyed the past two years with him. I just don’t think the grad student, tech student, and I get along.
Also, I wish I could shake the feeling that someone is watching every fucking thing I write. No. Some things need to be private. Can I curse? Can I fucking curse? I do in real life, the transience of it all makes it easy to say what isn’t meant. But online, the threat of permanence makes me feel so vulnerable.
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