marcelwrites

[marcelwrites]

Love me until it hurts.

#marcelwrites #poem #poetry #writing #words

[marcelwrites]

I have this vivid memory of spending time with a woman I dated for a while. Maybe we dated for 6 or so months. We spent a lot of time together and I was also seeing someone else at the same time, but that's a different story for another day. It was nearly 6 pm and we went to this large playground not too far from where I lived. There's a hill behind the playground and she went to lie on the grass. The sun was setting and the sky was this brilliant shade of soft pink, sort of like fairy floss (cotton candy to any Americans reading this). She wore a tight pink crop top and a short black skirt with metal accents. Her hair was a delicate platinum blonde. People would often tell me how attractive she is, especially while I was bartending, and it was annoying to me. Why was it annoying? I think it's likely because she used to get judged for her outfits, which were not typical where I lived at the time, so unnecessarily cruel and judgmental. When I look back, she was sort of like a gothic barbie doll. I sat on a wooden railing and we watched the sunset together and spoke for a few hours. Afterwards we went back to my house and had sex. It's rare to meet someone that doesn't really kiss, or enjoy kissing, so I felt like every time we initiated something sexual it didn't feel natural to me. After we fucked we'd always drive around and just talk until midnight, sometimes we get wouldn't back until after midnight . It was comfortable between us but I was only about 23/24 at the time and she was 30 and oftentimes I'd feel that the gap between us was too vast. In hindsight, being with someone older than myself was a blessing, and I need someone with more life experience, someone that's more emotionally mature and better balances me out. At the time though I thought she was too mature for me and I was still so young and full of foolish notions and youthful arrogance, in some ways I still am. Men really need to live life and hit maturity before they enter the dating market, otherwise we just run through it like a bull in a china shop. We shouldn't be so careless when it comes to matters of the heart, and my 20s were typified by that sort of reckless emotional abandon.

#marcelwrites #writing #words #thoughts #personal

[marcelwrites]

Another weekend almost buried. Even though it's only 6:30 pm it still feels weird to not be running the bar on a Sunday. I took the opportunity to goof around on stream for four hours with some of my best mates. It would've been nice to collect a few hundred dollars in Sunday rates though.

I've been making a lot of new friends on Tumblr lately which is nice, despite the continents that may divide us we've still managed to cross paths. Does anyone else find it easier to maintain online relationships than the ones you make out in the 'real world'? In real life you have to show up in a way you don't have to online, what with the majority being permanently online. On the internet you just sort of drift together for a while, part ways, and then eventually reconnect when you both remember to.

Online relationships are probably a blessing to the neurodivergent, much less stressful, and I think nowadays there's much less of a stigma on actually making online friends than 20 years ago. I'm glad to be a millennial, and to have experienced life before it became what it is currently. Growing up in a little Aussie town. Pre-broadband. Dial up sounds. Nickelodeon or Cartoon Network on the TV. Horror movies on VHS. Gangs of kids roaming around on bicycles like soft voiced side characters in a soap opera. They were simpler times. One day I'll be among the last to remember what life was like before the internet and it's equal parts comforting and terrifying.

"The world has moved on", as King so often writes.

#marcelwrites #writing #words #personal #thoughts

[marcelwrites]

The harshest betrayal is always of the self.

#marcelwrites #writing #words #thoughts #text

[marcelwrites]

I saw you looking like the picture of nocturnal perfection. An all black outfit that hugged every curve and accentuated your cream white skin. Midnight black eye shadow, eyeliner, and lipstick. If you were any paler they'd have thought you were dead. Only I get to see those cheeks flush red and way you show your smile after I say something utterly ridiculous. You've always kept your smile hidden behind a cloudy façade. That smile is ours and I picture it when we sleep. Sometimes I imagine that our bed is some extended coffin we'll share and when we die the gravediggers will just bury us under a mountain of moist soil. The long sleep, something our tired bones have been looking forward to for years now, and the prospect of sharing that with you forever stokes the fires of my heart.

#marcelwrites #writing #words #fiction #text

[marcelwrites]

Bored and restless today. Couldn't workout to ease some of that because I'm still sore from yesterday and pushing your body to breaking point isn't worth it. Hung out with my best mate at the cafe for a couple of hours which was cool but I just wasn't there. Sometimes it's like your skeleton is forced to carry the meat around for a while. I've been listening to the same song virtually on repeat for the last few days, and I'm not certain why, but there's something about it that, and I'll explain what it's like, when I listen to it it's like my soul is sticking a fork in an electrical socket. That's the only way I can really describe it. I spent some time with a different friend yesterday and it was a nice distraction but it was a hollow exchange and when I came home I hit the bench until my chest and shoulders were on fire. Maybe my spirit is fighting something, or maybe it's just the cold weather that's draining me, or perhaps I'm just tired. I don't fucking know. I just need to work on my book until it's finished. Get that first draft completed and then worry about publishing it later. The thing is that sometimes when I'm working on a project interest wanes and I sort of feel like my writing is disingenuous and I need to capture something "real". The only real thing I've ever known is that I know fuck all about anything except wanting and wondering. I worry that I just don't have it in me anymore to commit to someone. I keep my options open to keep my sanity, not as an indictment towards anyone in particular. Just accept my flaws, accept me, and let me cry out my pent up bullshit in your arms. Maybe then we can start from somewhere fresh and new. The bullshit bled out of my system with leeches.

#marcelwrites #writing #words #life #personal

[marcelwrites]

Where are the hot black metal chicks that may or may not kill me in my sleep?

#mattydemise #black metal #metal #goals #text

[marcelwrites]

The latest True Crime video. Enjoy! Also, if you've got any cases you want me to look at, let me know!

#mattydemise #true crime #horror #crime #youtube

[marcelwrites]

this terrible urge refuses to abate

hungry for warm blood essence of my love

needing you closer too close for comfort

coursing and rushing through you that liquid gold

a fresh laceration to nourish me before it's cold

now my lady in black rests soundly in the dirt

it's not a lie when they said the dead don't hurt

'my love' a poem by matthew marcel

#marcelwrites #poem #poetry #writing #words

[marcelwrites]

What's your idea of an ideal date?

Reading the headstones at the cemetery.

#mattydemise #date #relationships #answer #reply

[marcelwrites]

this terrible urge refuses to abate

hungry for warm blood essence of my love

needing you closer too close for comfort

coursing and rushing through you that liquid gold

a fresh laceration to nourish me before it's cold

now my lady in black rests soundly in the dirt

it's not a lie when they said the dead don't hurt

'my love' a poem by matthew marcel

#marcelwrites #poem #poetry #writing #words

[marcelwrites]

We don't really know what happens. It's all just a collection of responses to stimuli. Action, reaction, rinse and repeat. Seemingly meaningless in an indifferent universe. Crazy to think that it could even be considered meaningless when you can just step outside and be overwhelmed with the stark and overwhelming beauty of literally everything. And yet we still wage war and destroy the lives of millions, discriminating against one another and deciding who deserves food and water and who doesn't. We actively allow the very earth that gave birth to us and all this life we share the world with to be pillaged, plundered, and raped. We exploit the living and eat the dead. The rap sheet of humanity is a sickening account of free will and our most heinous flaws. Despite that, I still ruminate on the quote, "You are the conduit, the lightning rod that God uses to work wonders here on earth". For all the atrocities there's that distinct measure of good in the world, all the kindnesses both large and small, that change lives and brighten spirits in the grim dark of night. Think of the million acts of charity that occur on a daily basis. The loving embrace shared by two people madly and hopelessly in love with one another. In the blink of an eye it could all just cease to be, by the hands of angry, petty men, or some natural cataclysm. We could all just cease to be and what then of an indifferent universe? What then of a higher power? God? It seems cruel and harsh, but maybe also a little deserved. Who's to say? What I will say is that I wish we acted with a little more compassion and love. I wish I could wake up, and for just one day, see that people treated one another with the very same beauty we all have the fortune to wake up and see every day. No crime, no drama, no bullshit, just love. Every day I wake up and want to be proven wrong. I want to be shown we matter. I desperately want to know we're going to be okay.

#marcelwrites #writing #words #thoughts #text

[marcelwrites]

I don’t care, bro, let’s just get married and do cool shit together.

#mattydemise #goals #marriage #text #text post

[marcelwrites]

How do you show yourself grace when you've been an asshole, but not become emotionally unavailable?

I don't know, I think very few of us innately have grace, and when something less than ideal occurs, we sort of react out of instinct. If our instinct is to take it on the chin and handle it gracefully, then lucky us, but how many of us are so in tune with our emotions that we actually show grace and take such things in stride? Speaking from experience, I sort of default to distant and emotionally unavailable, because the few times I've allowed my walls to be breached, or I've raised the portcullis, it's ended poorly for me. My exterior is gruff and immovable but my heart still beats hot, red blood. As emotionally mature as I am, at the end of the day, I'm just flesh and blood, a man, and my impulses sometimes get the better of me. Grace be damned!

Ultimately, my advice here would be to allow yourself the joy of simply feeling at all. Be it anger, happiness, sadness, whatever. Take pride in feeling something, and perhaps in that embrace of feeling, you'll find the grace you seek.

#mattydemise #advice #anons #answer #reply

[marcelwrites]

who are we to question fate

foul or gilt with golden thread

until we rest in ultimate finality

dirt and salt beneath our head

our destiny is to fight

for the glory of all that was or will ever be

memories held like scraps and promises

as we survive the horror of burnt land and icy sea

an old poem of mine i found

#marcelwrites #poem #poetry #writing #words

[marcelwrites]

One of the most bizarre and shocking crimes I’ve read about recently. I had to make a video about it. Did anyone else see this story on their feeds over the last day or two?

#mattydemise #true crime #horror #crime #youtube

[marcelwrites]

One of the most bizarre and shocking crimes I’ve read about recently. I had to make a video about it. Did anyone else see this story on their feeds over the last day or two?