#++ there is a few others ids i wanna transition too but its just like ... ill act as if im this and woo (for my transsev ids)

[necrogfie]

got 1 like on my post abt it ,, so my transition plans for my different ids (that i plan to transition to) under the cut ⁓ ♪ !

first the basic easy stuff where my plan isn't long :

transweight ( to [readacted] kg ) -> lose weight

transprogrammed -> ... find someone to program me and get programmed

trans cane user -> get a cane !! and learn how to use it

others transharmed/ful ids -> try to get into a conabusive relationship to relieve my dysphoria related to those ids (can't be too descriptive)

noow the more 'complicated' stuff to transition to

trans-polish -> learn polish first obvi, learn more of polish history and culture (in a more first hand way - directly from polish ppl) and just do the general stuff u do to connect to ur lineage. and i'd like to go and experience poland for an extended period of time (when the situation get better, which will be soon i hope!)

trans-chinese -> now. i have no hope of learning chinese (mandarin) to the point of being fluent but i have hope to at least be able to have small casual conversation and be able to read basic stuff in chinese. again, learn more abt the history and culture (in this specific region !!), aaand very silly but doing douyin makeup (not ... asian fishing) ++ getting traditional chinese clothes

transgender -> uhrm yes this go there too so woo. get on T is the first goal and the easiest one, then get my tits chooped off (and like . no nipples graft bcuz reasons) and maybe get bottom surgery because having a dick could be fire but that more for when i will be like . 35 years old. also growing out my hair (yes this count as transition) very long, because 1. i wanna be a man w long hair 2. i'm shen and in source i am a cis man with long hair soo

trans-NPD -> ... lie. lie to get diagnosed w NPD. because realistically there is not way in hell i can transition for that, ill just have to lie thru my teeth and as they say, fake it until you make it, maybe i can't like trick my brain into thinking i have NPD

trans-HoH -> (disclaimer !! not encouraging anyone to do that, thats bad for you) learn LSF and destroy my hearing in my right ear by listening to music way too loud

trans-incomplete legs paralysis -> this one is one, i don't think i'll realistically be able to transition to, but this is a case where i'll have to do drastic stuff myself (which ill probably never do bcuz im a pussy) or see a professional for my BIID and try to get arrangement and like get allowed to get my legs chopped off (because i don't know how it's possible to just have incomplete paralysis be ... happening on my legs ? thru surgery ? maybe it's possible but i will have to see) but for this one i just try to ignore that my legs are working (whenever it's possible) and as i said before see a professional for my BIID and see if something can be done to transition.

#rambles 🧸 #some of those are so silly im crying TT theyr rlly simple too #++ there is a few others ids i wanna transition too but its just like ... ill act as if im this and woo (for my transsev ids)

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#i experience an emense amount of guilt ovet not being able to focus on work. go into the lab and run into a lab mate and hes like #u leave Thursday? why tf r u here? and that makes me feel a lil better lol #ive just being data entering all day. that takes so fucking long. and then helping an undergrad #exept my code was out of date so i was like welp i can only get u this far bc i did not write this code. i do not work with the #supercomputer on a regular enough basis. and i gave my 30 days notice today so ill be working remotely until the 18th #i probably should have done it way before but like ive still got so much to do i might as well get paid for doing it #the undergrad was like id probably work to the end bc i feel lost when im not working and i was like. bro. im so fucking brunt out that ppl #around me r like yo r u ok? theres a thing as too much work. dont cross that line. snd ill still probably work to the end bc i dont wanna #have to do it on top of other shit. but god. in a few days i never have to go back in that building again #sometimes having to be in that lab would make me feel physically ill i thibk just bc i have so much stress associated with standing at that #lab bench but woof i will not miss it. its not great. the ppl r nice but like the institution kinda sucks. but i probably #wasnt the best fit for the school. i only cane out here for my advisor and on that front i have no regrets #god im so tired tho. just make it Thursday already so my parents can b helping me move >~< lets fucking goooooo #srry for not posting much drawing wise. i prob wont b able to for a while as i transition across the country lol #also. a note to myself. i should get a proper sketchbook so i can actually draw out ideas and store them in a place. that would b convenient #god. its so hot 😖 let me leave #unrelated

[nothingenoughao3]

Why we wanna transition to Mad Scientist (or, revulsion and queerness in horror)

(Hi, @ash-eats-film! This is the thing I mentioned!)

Horror has a few baseline emotions it tries to inflict on the audience. This has been written about for decades, most famously by Stephen King, but the baseline elements most writers agree on are as follows.

Dread: Anxiety over what is about to happen

Terror: The fear of what is occurring right this second

Revulsion: Being forced to interact directly with what's happening right now

Black comedy: Being tricked into laughing at either the terror or the revulsion

Horror: The trauma response to what just happened

A great example of this can be seen in The Evil Dead II (YT link that doesn't include the full context, but does have the, uh, money shot). There's the dread of realizing there's something in the root cellar; the terror of when the Deadite pops up in the trapdoor; the combined revulsion and black comedy of Ash jumping on the Deadite's skull/the door, popping out its eyeball which shoots into Bobby Joe's mouth, and then the horror of what just went down rolling over Ash and his current companions.

Often, revulsion and black comedy go hand in hand. That's because they're tension relievers. The revolting thing becomes ridiculous, and you laugh at how ridiculous it is. This lets you settle down in the midst of the gore and death, just slightly, just enough to get through it... so the horror can fully set in for you, too, once it's over.

You also, often, question your own stability if you laugh in the middle of a gross-out horror scene: "Am I sick? Is there something wrong with me for laughing at X?" This is even worse if the villain starts laughing--now you're questioning whether you're IDing with the monster. Are you okay? Is something wrong with you?

Revulsion is often framed as the slutty member of the good, proper, morally-upright brigade of horror. We have a name for folks who seek out gross-out horror--they're gore-hounds, a term that is virtually always pejorative when applied to other people. We call certain types of horror "torture porn" or "gore porn", as though it is inherently sleazy and sexual to rely on this specific emotional reaction. (Note that we don't have "black comedy-porn", or "dread hounds", even though a dread hound sounds really fucking cool.)

Not to go off on a huge tangent, but I think the issue with media that overly relies on revulsion is that it's unbalanced, not that it's bad. A movie that's nothing but dread never has any emotional payoff. A movie that's nothing but terror never lets the audience relax back into their seats and, paradoxically, will become boring (imagine two hours of jumpscares).

So forth and so on: all aspects of horror rely on each other to survive. That includes scenes that make you go "Awww, sick" while nervously cackling.

Here's the thing: in previous generations, revulsion was similarly understood to be an essential part of horror, but what led to a revolted reaction was very different.

Lovecraft (boo this man! BOOOOO) understood the power of revulsion, which was the source of a lot of his strangest and most vivid descriptions. It was also the source of some of his most bigoted ideas working into his stories. The undercurrent of "non-WASPs are evil because they are repulsive" is as pervasive in his work as "the universe is incomprehensibly vast". You kind of can't get around that.

But there's another thing Lovecraft did to generate revulsion. He wrote a number of stories where an unhealthy focus on corpses, graveyards, graverobbing, and the like is, indirectly or directly, associated with sexual perversion. 

How many, you may ask? Off the top of my head, there's "The Loved Dead", "In the Vault", "The Disinterment", "Pickman's Model", The Dream-Quest of Unknown Kadath, "The Hound" and "Herbert West: Re-Animator". All of these tales share certain themes, which don't repeat beat-for-beat in each tale but do overlap:

Male character becomes obsessed with dead bodies--whether that's stealing them, having sex with them, desecrating them, or resurrecting them.

He is comfortable around death and the dead to a degree that is unusual, sometimes explicitly stating that he prefers the smells/sights of death to those of life.

Terms like "fiendish", "hellish", "abnormal" and "perverse" are used to describe him; his gaze towards dead bodies or to experiments may be framed as "leering" or "speculative".

He is frequently a twink; often described as being frail, if not noticeably beautiful; he may recall being mocked for being "bookish" or "weak" as a child.

He is superficially charming in a way that gets him by in polite society, but not long-term nor in-depth.

He often ensnares an otherwise "normal" man to share his obsessions, effectively recruiting him as an assistant... until the "normal" guy realizes he's about to go on the chopping block (or, in at least one story, already was on the chopping block).

Their crimes involve a lot of sneaking around late at night, locked doors, whispering so they don't get caught (or they'll be killed), secretiveness, glee at getting away with it, and frequently, sharing the same living space.

The Unrepentant Evil Dude is often killed at the end of his tale in a way that implies vigilante/mob justice is at hand. 

The other may be allowed to live if he's very sorry and frames the whole story as being the fault of the other guy, or he may die too while affirming his horrible demise as just, even if it terrifies him.

(One could make an argument that Wilbur Whateley fits into some of these tropes. It's me I'm one)

If this all sounds very gay, Lovecraft probably would have agreed. He had as dim a view of homosexuality as he did on most other things that were Outside The Norm. In other words, we were supposed to see Richard Upton Pickman with his ghouls and think, "Ah, yes, this is a metaphor for queerness", only we were supposed to be revolted by that revelation.

This same attempt at revulsion can be easily read into Victor Frankenstein, and probably more Mad Scientists than I can name offhand (but feel free to in reblogs). Frankenstein's "crimes against nature" were connected to dead bodies as well, and likewise involved a lot of sneaking around, locked doors, and worry about what would happen were he caught with this naked man-thing he's keeping in his dorm. His crime, as with his parody character Herbert West, is creating life outside the bounds of heterosexual cisgender sex. This was meant to revolt readers' sensibilities as much as the whole cutting-up-corpses-and-stitching-them-back-together thing would.

This is why, if we're being honest, "Re-Animator" and "Bride of Re-Animator" are not necessarily gay… they're homophobic. This might be controversial, but stick with me.

I feel like Gordon and Yuzna were tapping into that old-fashioned Revulsion Handbook, including from the source material, which thematically linked Herbert West with queerness. (I'm using "queer" a lot here, but I would personally include trans-friendly readings under that rubric; I'm using "queer" in the analytical sense and not solely in the identity sense.) This means that, ironically, a lot of what we could point to as queer subtext is actually homophobic text.

This is reinforced by the novelization of the first film, written by a homophobe who got Trumpist brainworms later in life. He wanted to make West repulsive to the reader, and therefore, he tried to make West more gay. And IT WORKED. 

To be clear, I'm not accusing anybody, other than the novelist, of being a homophobe. There's a difference between possessing internalized bigoted beliefs which express themselves in writing, versus utilizing tropes originating in bigotry because That's What's Done Around Here. (I can understand why others might not perceive a meaningful difference.) Like the Cuzco lizards, this queerness-as-villainy is definitely a stupid thing ported in from the source material.

I do think that this is why everybody but Our Queen Barbara Crampton seems embarrassed or nonplussed by all the transfags pestering them about fellatio tapes. It's because they don't get why this thing appeals so much to us. It shouldn't. If anything, they should be canceled for having yet another queer-coded villain, along with a number of other plot choices of questionable taste (I'm looking at you, The Head Scene, and I don't like what I see).

Only, uh, it didn't work out that way long-term, did it?

I thank Cronenberg and venereal horror for this, in part. Brutally queer despite not being explicitly gay, venereal horror is what happens when the characters should be revolted, but aren't. 

This kind of thing is horrifying for crossing the line twice: first by being disgusting, then by having characters respond as though it is exciting, or sexually stimulating, or if nothing else, normal. They are perverse. They leer at the dead and the subjects of their experiments. And the disgusting monsters at the center of these narratives are celebrated. Their twisted sexualities are explored with the same brave frankness other filmmakers give to milquetoast cishet missionary nonsense. Their political views are given life and air, and usually, they're right. Their deaths, if they come at all, are framed as tragedies brought on by society's sick rejection of the flesh their brave experimentation.

Cronenberg's the dude who unironically thinks that Shivers (trigger warning for literally everything) has a happy ending. My man David's got subscriptions where others have issues.

Venereal horror has given us a new metaframework for looking at the repulsive, the monstrous, and the problematic and responding to it… differently.

Now here's another thing: Lovecraft likewise provided a structure for embracing the grotesque and the queer.

Pickman, the Decadent artist, paints photorealistic, enormous portraits of ghouls. Literal flesh-eaters. He is fascinated by them, comfortable with them. "Model" heavily implies that Pickman is a ghoul changeling--switched at birth with a human child. This leans into Lovecraft's ideas about heritability being a major source of horror, of course, and seems run of the mill until you get to The Dream-Quest of Unknown Kadath.

In there, Pickman appears again, but this time as a ghoul. He has cast off his human social shackles and joined the beings he loves, beings who understand him and support him. Kadath is notable in that the ghouls are actually... like... reliable, loyal, and morally good? Carter's opinion pretty much is, "They do eat human corpses and they smell awful, but they're all very nice and want to help me on my quest, so maybe they're not so bad (if not as good as the cat army)".

This feels like Lovecraft acknowledging that his entire approach of linking queerness, death, and revulsion is fundamentally flawed. Once you become familiar with the repulsive, it becomes not-really-that-repulsive-at-all. You can find beauty in it, and amusement, and love. Pickman embracing his ghoulish nature isn't all that different from Seth Brundle's overall lack of revulsion at his body's transformation. And it's not that different from what a lot of transmasculine folks go through, either.

It's not that transmascs, trans men, and/or transfags don't see what West does as crimes against nature. It's that we're all very fucking tired of being accused of crimes against nature. We're tired of not being able to look at socmed without finding accusations that we're disgusting perverts who sneak around behind closed doors to corrupt innocent, promising people to be our lackeys and partners in crime.

Hell, I refer to my wife as "my partner in crime" not because it's a cute way of acknowledging how well and how much we work together both in life and creativity. It's also because we could have been arrested for our relationship when we got together.

We were illegal.

There was a lot of sneaking around and whispering and trying not to get caught and "what if they call the cops on us if we're clocked". Can I tell my friends about this? Will they reject me or rat me out? Where am I safe? Nowhere. Best to lock the door and then check it again to be sure. Best to be very quiet.

Best to act like a graverobber trying to get their grisly wares back home before good, decent, Christian folk see them.

So when I hear "Blasphemy? Before what God?!", I read it as (whether he's ace or aro, gay or achillean, trans man or transmasc or genderfucked) a queer slogan of defiance, instead of a defense of graverobbing, corpse desecration, and non-consensual resurrection.

We're told we and our bodies are repulsive, so being told that Herbert is also repulsive makes him more relatable. Instead of wondering what the hell's wrong with him for shooting up reagent, we all theorize that it's actually T or has similar effects--because we're all told that T is a toxin that will horribly change and disfigure our bodies. He dresses in a three-piece suit for school, and instead of reading him as a stiff and overly-formal little freak, we assume he's layering up because he hasn't found a hoodie he likes yet. 

He cackles at his horrific creations, and instead of saying "What a fucking freak (anguished)", we say "What a fucking freak (affectionate)" and laugh along with him. Who among us hasn't taken apart our Barbies and tried to combine their parts with the Kens? What is a doll, or a human, but a collection of parts to be rearranged? Haven't we also been told we're freaks for rearranging our own parts?

We've already been told by society at large that we are Herbert West. We're just embracing it, in the proud tradition of venereal horror fans who are not revolted when they ought to be, and I think that's delightful.

#fandom meta #reanimator #re animator 1985 #bride of reanimator 1991 #bride of re animator #herbert west #headcanon #transmasculine #body horror #venereal horror #cronenbergian #writing trope #i live for analysis #lovecraft #this has been rattling around in my head for ages and probably isn't going to cover everything or be correct but here we all are anyway #hope y'all like it

[m1sslaught3rh0us3]

my life was so weird so far

my childhood was good i guess and then when i was 12/13 got groomed and raped and bullied in school constantly for liking more feminine things and being “gay” and then i realised i was trans and was like im not transitioning in school so i stayed in school till i could but started skipping school and staying home because i genuinely hated it, the uniform made me so dysphoric and i hated how i looked constantly, ended up being abandoned by all my friends because i kept missing school and they all found other friends so i started being on my own and FINALLY. in 2020 lockdown happened so i started growing my hair out and talking to people online in the ayesha community to pass time, i was still sorta doing online classes cuz lockdown but not really i just stopped doing them, then officially dropped out yazz, started isolating myself alot from everybody in my family and gained a fear of leaving the house somehow, i didnt leave my house for 2 years straight, the first time i did was in a really hoe outfit and i couldnt make it further than the end of my road because i was terrified, my neighbour called my mom and complained about what i was wearing so i didnt go outside probably for a whole year after that, i met alot of good friends and people i love online.. i met my first boyfriend on there, nate, i really did love him it was the first time in my entire life i was shown love like that, i didnt care how far he was i was just obsessed with him.. then he suddenly left which took a really big toll on my mental health, then realised months later that he abandoned me and i gained a fear that everybody is gonna abandon me cuz of how my friends did and now my boyfriend too, i met another boy, ion even wanna say his name but yeah, i felt like he was really what i needed and i genuinely fell in love with him SO hard, i sabotaged myself constantly because i felt like i wasnt worthy of love alot of the time and i hurt him and he hurt me! it was bad, i did anything for him to stay with me.. i started self harming for the first time ever kinda like not for attention, cuz i hated myself because i felt like i made him hate me and that he didnt love me (i was right in the end lol) i ended up breaking up with him because he just didnt love me anymore and i wanted him to love me again for the longest time or show any affection, (he didnt) i feel like thats when my mental health got to its lowest, i was dependent on him and had my whole life planned around him, i tried to kill myself twice after we broke up because i hated myself so much and was tired of feeling hopeless, all i wanted was him to love me and i would rather be dead without it.. and im here now a few months later, still depressed and missing him everyday, thinking about him non stop- im really miserable and im thankful for my friends who are there for me but nothing helps, at the end of every day i still want him back or for him to miss me. i also recently got groomed by a sex trafficker, i was so desperate for somebody to take my mind off (the ex) so i got attached when i was shown any affection, my friends gave me an intervention with that and im glad they did because id probably be trafficked if i met with him, not that i care if i die i just dont think being trafficked is ideal in my life right now.. and i think thats really all.. im so bored so im writing out a life story until something happens i can update. maybe ill start getting therapy? adam is sure i have clinical depression and i probably do

[fruiteggsaladit]

The fandom needs more aus so Im adding one I just made

Recently bereaved of her childhood and best friend Yusuke, Yukimura Keiko opens the window one evening to admire the sunset. She's surprised to see a flock of furious, angelic birds attacking a humanoid figure-

Who soars upwards with a heave of jagged, dark wings.

When that is thwarted, it somehow ends up closer to Keiko's neighbourhood instead as another attempt to escape. Bewildered, Keiko waves and yells without thinking for it to come here, come inside here!

The figure hesitates for only a moment, and then dashes into the open window, crashing somehow into every little part of what is now formerly Keiko's bedroom.

Keiko doesn't know it yet, but the young demon from hell's name is Yukina, and it's looking for it's brother - a half-demon.

It's being pursued by Heaven in the hope to collect a valuable hostage; indeed, the ward of a demon lord (Rui) would have merit when they seek demonic allies against the demon king to kill him. An alleged Eater of Seraphim would be a good ally indeed.

Additional notes because I made them tags @ first and then they got so long I felt bad for whoever might read them:

Fire and shadow powers for yukina bc im a little bored w the ice magic and wanna experiment w that too

Keiko becoming a witch to help protect Yukina better by making a contract w it would also be a very cute and major part of the premise

Yukina knowing abt witches in theory and having only met a few of them would also be cause for shenanigans - like knowing what a pharmacist is and does but having little idea abt what it entails aside from "wonderful person who is very patient while I'm fumbling to get my ID out for them so they may give me my prescription and/or inform me of how much that'll cost"

"Can you be a pharmacist?" "Sure, how hard can that be?" Very hard but very funny to watch from a distance and after the next big problem is over.

Yukina enrols into Sarayashiki and it wears the boy's uniform and we have an entire episode dedicated to being able to choose your uniform regardless of the gender society is putting on you. Akashi and Iwamoto are ofc the villains here. Keiko rationalises that Yukina's a demon, ofc it wouldnt have the genders humans have; she has no idea Yukina has single-handedly inspired several people to transition and experiment.

Hell and earth differences. Yukina keeps using all the hot water and one time it and Keiko have to try to fix the bathroom, that's how hot Yukina ran the water.

Home sickness! Yukina having an arc of deciding it'll actively look for its brother!

Backstory episode... Yukina actually being chased out of hell and escaping to earth.

Keiko at an early point: You can't tempt me to do bad things to people! Not even if I think they deserve it! I mean it! not even a thumb-tack in their food!! Yukina: Why would you do that, that sounds so mean. Keiko: (rlly wants to have an excuse to do that)

very anime too to have a cute plot at first and then reveal the BIG SADS

“Eater of Seraphim” being Rui who ate Hina's heart as she was dying to gain enough power to fight off other demons or invading angels bc she needs that and Hina told her to

Hina being a seraph bc Im not immune to the Your Wings and Mine webtoon and I wanna cry when I hear her name or see it written out

Kurama is half demon half human. Don't think he was Yoko Kurama in another life here(??), I think in this case this is a case of him being possessed by a demon and dealing w the fact that the demon doesn't seem to realise it will die no matter if Kurama tries to feed it or not. It doesn't know it's a demonic ghost, which is something that shouldn't exist.

very embarrassed when he realises these two idiots are babies in the matters of witchhood and contract-making, which is embarrassing when one of them is literally from hell and the ward of a demon lord whose position is only "lesser" bc she doesn't desire anymore land than what is sufficient to protect her child(ren). ".... I wasted. An entire day. To harass babies." He can never let the them know.

hiei was sent to earth to protect him & he has no idea hes not human. for maximum funsies he's at catholic school & hes nicknamed a "demon". We won't meet him till episode 60 (out of 75 and then a movie)

cant decide if i want botan to b an angel or a witch.... what abt an ojamajo doremi thing where keiko accidentally curses her to become her witch tutor or she becomes a toad. or she does become a toad but its only at night hell yes princess tutu vibes as well

Botan the botany witch please GOD. PLESE: GOD:.

Yeah yeah yeah Botan botany witch playing heaven and hell as a freelance witch and not thinking about how she's contributing to the conflict, "I'm just trying to make buck!" (she's doing just fine and could be a witch on commission working a different job part/full time).

Botan clocking Yukina as a demon and the Rogue Demon Ward Who's Escaped to Earth immediately when it and their classmates are there after school or for a school outing and kidnapping it. Keiko saves it and turns Botan into a toad. Botan becomes the blackmailed mentor figure.

Gasp. Witch exams. Bc Keiko needs to do them to become certified bc its when someone uncertified calls a witch a witch that a witch turns into a toad... it was only bc Keiko has a contract already that Botan was lucky enough to only be turned toad SOMETIMES.

shizuru a witch or a priest... Priest on monday-wednesdays, witch thursdays-sundays yeah thats funny we keep that. It's the 90s anime shenanigans that will leave a viewer feeling "If this was a man and a woman, Botan and Shizuru definitely would look like Duck trying desperately to hide she turns into a duck sometimes and Fakir knowing this and fucking with her at every turn anyways."

No, Shizuru priest but her parents are witches. Kuwa could be a priest but is working on if that's the path he wants.

#yyh things #keiko #yukina #it/them pronouns for Yukina bc I wanna experiment more w its gender #yyh things alternate universes #oh this would be good for being set in the Phillipines #shoujo devil & witch au

[the-closested-bisexual-himbo]

Im finally saying fuck it cause of a fanfic that inspired me tbhhh lol here’s the start of my mullet!!!!

Okay so I took some pics cause I finally straitened my hair idk where the small one went RIP so used the big one and so I got some anime spikes goin on lmfao. Cant wait till it’s longer and I can get the Steve hair goin on!!! Lol 🙈😅

I took a few I like with my face in em thinking I might share idk. Anyways, regardless I’m still v proud of myself for posting what I did. This is my first time sharing my scars too so be kind pls.

(i also have a bomb ass happy trail it doesnt show up much here but makes me think of these fanarts i saw of Eddie so comforting!!! also i have chest hair too but doesn’t really show lol)

I blame and thank this fic entirely for helping my anxiety riddled ass think maybe i need to just say fuck it and do what i want. What i want is to cosplay and make money being smutty in said cosplay. Might even lead me to being able to do it as myself too but that element is helping me ease into the idea of doing this for work. (Also just wanna say i’ve always been one for fighting for sex workers rights. Sex work is real work. soooo i feel im doing myself a disservice if i dont. like im not being 100% if i say that but then am so scared to that i’ve been just talking myself out of it every time since i was on sites illegally at legit 13. lol, im legal now yall, im in my 20′s) sorry for ranting here of all places, the acct i never go on really these days. but this was originally my safe space for this side of me. im just finally really at my end with myself. i know sex work would actually make me really happy! i want to but i guess im just scared too but as i’ve gotten older, come out, transitioned and just grown im like.. wow i should have been started doing this it lights me up every time i almost start. sooo i think im going to. i’ve always wondered why tf its so hard to find cosplayers that are down for making explicit content and wanted to be at least one person who did it.. for others seeking it and not finding it. AND NOW MORE THAN EVER! We all need more trans bodies and nonbinary bodies in our media and that includes however you like.. fanart, pics, vids/gifs, and even dare i say p*rn. like if i just wonder how less depressed and anxious id be if there was someone i saw like myself out here just one person and then that makes me waaaant to beee that person so badly cause idk.. idk who else may need to see real bodies like mine. yn?.. ima stop ranting but yeah...

https://archive.org/details/chap.-7-never-gets-old-brawls-toastranger/(chap.7)+never+gets+old-+brawls%2C+toastranger.m4a

[the-dc-killjoy]

4x12 - Old Souls

Wynonna Earp's over. I'll do pretty much anything to get another season, but shows (not that I think that this show could ever get to that point. id still love WE even if it turned into whatever Grey's Anatomy's doing rn) shouldn't overstay their welcome. If this is the end, than it was a damn fine ending!

-

The cute.

I've been watching Martina sing since I was 11 years old, and it still puts a smile on my face. Rachel was iconic as always, and I'm gonna miss the most recent addition to the Earp family. I can just imagine the chaos of her, her not really but kind of boyfriend, and Randy Nedley on a tiny boat in the middle of nowhere. Poor Nedley. Let's hope Chrissy remains the only one of his many daughter figures to catch mono.

Speaking of mononucleosis- that's such an awful transition that i'm keeping it, I believe that Wayhaught has officially christened the entire homestead. Bedroom, The Stairs, kitchen floor, barn- short of just going to pound town (i'm not getting any better with sex references tonight. am i) in a patch of grass outside, they've got everything covered. Or nothing covered if you know what i mean. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge. Am I getting better now?

-

The random.

Nedley walking Nicole down the isle, Wynonna walking Waverly down the isle, Doc being Waverly's best man, and Wynonna being Nicole's best friend (no she will not take a secondary title. best friend will go on her tombstone)- sigh, i'm so gay. i can't really explain what that has to do with these circumstances, but i am and this makes me happy. Rachel and Nedley (and Billy was there somewhere right?) being the only people in attendance made this the perfect pandemic wedding even though there wasn't actually a pandemic in Earp land. I was the living embodiment of the pleading face emoji when they panned over the chairs. Doll's chair hurt me. like deeply. like i'm still suffering. there aren't words. fuck, i miss him.

On a lighter note, Waverly said fuck (like eight times)!!! She technically said it already, but chainsmoking-angelic possession doesn't count, right?

I'm glad that Jeremy has this new thing with Damon, but I kinda wish things had worked out with him and Robin. He officiated a wedding, got promoted, and got a handsome date in one afternoon, so I can't be too sad about his adorable self.

Charlotte Sullivan, the jilted dress shop owner/witch, played one of the earliest (in my knowledge at least. this show was my brother's thing not mine) representation of a bi woman in Canadian media. I don't know too much about her Rookie Blue character, but if you can have tolerated the will-they-wont-they, end of the world romance of the main character's kinda mediocre relationships for a couple more seasons, I'm sure you'll find out! By the nature of Canada having 16.87 actors in total, I tend to see a lot of overlap, and I have to infodump about that somewhere. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

The Earping callbacks! Wynonna's truck, her motorcycle, the bullet proof vest, Nedley and Nicole's father-daughter thing, Waverly never saying the f-word (and subverting that), i'm all in, even Rachel always being stuck with juice while the adults are drinking- perfect! We had a little bit of the usual supernatural insanity, but this episode was wall to wall fanservice, and it was perfectly in-character fanservice. That's the way to go! It didn't feel forced or awkward and the edited mailbox will make me tear up on rewatch

-

The relationship. (aka i wanna talk about wyndoc and had no outline when i started this thing)

The Wyndoc goodbye was beautiful. I'm not into the whole you need one person to complete you kinda thing, but the implication that it didn't have to be romantic (implying that Wynonna's person was Waverly) was great. I felt that the scene worked perfectly, and might have been fine leaving it there if there was another season clearly on the horizon. With the fact that this was the series finale (i sighed so hard typing that. my poor lungs), I'm glad that they got their own happy ending.

-

The analysis.

Nicole's and Wynonna's as individual characters mirror each other in so many ways, but I'm just gonna wax poetic about one: their relationship with the GRT. Wynonna was hurt by the town, badly. She grew up with a steady stream of shitty adults and a few who told her to shake the demons out of her head and embraced the tough love mantra. It made a lot of sense that she left as an adult. Waverly was most likely the only reason she didn't skip town before that.

Nicole had a negative integer of adult role models in her life, with the murdered aunt and uncle and the whatever-the-fuck her parents were trying to be. Sure, a little trip to the Ghost River Triangle left her with trauma that she spent a lifetime repressing, but what's a little surviving a massacre under the six year old girl bridge. Am I right?

In their early lives, these characters had nothing but negative experiences in the aptly named town of Purgatory. Wynonna was drawn back into town by Curtis' letter just in time for her 27th birthday, and Nedley applied for Nicole to start working as a cop. Neither of them directly chose to come back to the Ghost River Triangle, but both of them did have the final say.

Wynonna decided pretty early on that she was going to stay no matter what. She already abandoned her sister once. How could she do it again with all of these monsters lurking in the shadows. As time went on, her circle of people expanded, but Waverly has always been the person that fight through hell and high water for. Even when fighting wasn't necessary, when it hurt her much more than it helped anything, she did it anyways because it was the only thing she could do to protect her sister. Wynonna thought it was the only thing she could do at all. This entire season, she's been fighting a war with herself, and her leaving, Waverly telling her that it was okay to leave, was the first time that took a break, took a breath since she arrived in Purgatory on her 27th birthday. Her child and the man she loves are out in the world, but she will be back with them at her side. Maybe after a quick road trip, maybe after a few years, but she will be back.

Nicole spent a majority of season 1 and 2 feeling like an outsider. Season 3 came with the realization that these people were her family and the Ghost River Triangle was her home. Early season 4 kinda shat all over that, oops. The rest of this season has been her finding her footing again. Nicole was a wandering soul, but she voluntarily staked herself to the land, vowing to protect it and the people within its borders for the rest of her life without the ability to leave, and she doesn't regret it. Her wife, her family, her people are all in this one not-so-sleepy Canadian town.

Nicole found her place, after a lifetime of searching, and Wynonna left, temporarily, after a lifetime of feeling trapped. They might seem like opposites, but both women call the same place home.

-

Originally, I watched this show was to cope with the ending of Agents of SHIELD (which I kind of used to cope with the ending of Killjoys, which featured Emily Andras as a writer in season 1 and has near identical humor, found family, and a healthy serving of gay and wow this is turning into a bit of advertisement isn't it), but it wormed its way into my heart. I've never quite seen a show like this. Never seemed interested in a western, even a sci-fi western. Never saw the gay couple reach OTP status both in fandom and canon. I've never seen so many fan conventions dedicated to just one show. I usually stay for just one character (and Wynonna has become one of my all time favorite characters), but I find myself connecting with so many of the beautiful people being brought to life on my screen. Wynonna, Waverly, Nicole, Rachel, Dolls, Jeremy, Doc, Nedley and so many other hilarious and heartbreaking characters make this show, and every single human who played a part in this self-proclaimed shitshow deserves a round of applause and a swig of whiskey.

The end.

#wynonna earp #wynonna earp spoilers #wynonna earp season 4 spoilers #wearp meta #wyn #waverly earp #nicole haught #doc holliday #rachel valdez #jeremy chetri #randy nedley #my thoughts #i'll add screen caps in the morning #goodbye my beautiful fuck ups #guess i have to combine my emily andras and michelle lovretta obsessions into watching lost girl #im sad tonight #satisfied with this ending #but still damn sad

[daydreambouquet]

Zack never survived the Nibel Reactor and therefore couldn't rescue Cloud from Hojo's clutches. From this single point of divergence, the story unfolds.

Better go get a cup of your favorite goddamn tea to drink while you read.

Preview of Chapter 20 - Rocket Town

Cloud watches Aerith from across the camp at midnight. Her latest exhibition of power leaves him uneasy. Inflicting paralysis without materia is a feat he’s only seen once before, on the cargo ship, when that phantom of Jenova froze him in place. During Barret’s tale of their harrowing escape from the Turks at the Nibel Reactor, Cloud had been the only one not smiling. The trio Barret described are Shinra’s elite, a scalpel when discretion and precision are essential. Nobody should have been able to flee the Turks like that.

Aerith had rescued them, again. Only this time, it was an offensive manifestation, not just healing winds.

He wonders what would happen if she ever turns that power against them. Against him.

Aerith tilts her head and peers in his direction amidst a wall of darkness. He looks away after catching her eyes. They are the only two awake, and it’s very quiet. The team has been taking watch in pairs, given the escalation of pursuit. She resumes her gaze upwards. The long braid sways down her back. It’s a clear night. They are still in the mountains, and paranoia is creeping over Cloud like rust. He opts to take the second and third shifts and keeps his attention honed on Aerith while she sleeps.

The night is uneventful. A few drones fly by overhead, but without a campfire the group remains inconspicuous.

In the morning, they discuss next steps. Bugenhagen had said the ancient temple is on an island, but with Shinra hot on their trail, commercial transit isn’t wise due to ID scans, and it’s unlikely anyone would charter them.

“So we steal a ship,” Yuffie says.

“And who would drive it?” Cloud asks. “You?”

“Steer. You steer a ship. And no, I don’t know how to steer a ship.”

Tifa stretches. “What about an airplane? Maybe we can convince a local to help us?”

Barret shakes his head. “With what? We got no gil, no reputation. And now there’s, what, eight of us? Ha, that’s a lot to transport in secret.”

Cloud agrees. Shinra will no doubt have all airspace locked down. Those hunter-killers are flooding the skies, and the nearest port for any overseas ships is Costa del Sol, which is very far.

“Got any more sudden reveals of vehicles?” he asks Cait Sith.

The cat, sadly, does not.

The mountains break into plains, verdant and endless. Everyone is nervous about the open space. In the distance, a bronze structure juts upwards, outlined by the bright blue sky. It appears to be an old rocket, complete with structural scaffolding, but at an angle that suggests it will never fly.

“Aha, Rocket Town!” Yuffie says.

Cloud’s heard of this. Yes, under Palmer, there was a Shinra space initiative. The funding dried up after launch failure, and the employees working on the project ended up spawning a town of sorts around the centerpiece of their abandoned work. The area has no formal designation, and he can’t remember the project name. It was somewhere in the archives at the Tower.

“No, that’s Shinra territory,” Cloud says. “We can’t go there.”

Even if Palmer is dead, presumably executed by the Turks, and space flight is indefinitely canceled, Shinra still has its claws in any company property.

“But there ain’t nothing else around,” Barret says. “Maybe a few of us sneak in an’ take a look. Grab some supplies. I’m hungry as hell.”

There are general murmurs of approval from all except Vincent, who doesn’t seem to care one way or another.

“Alright,” Cloud agrees. “Vincent and Yuffie should go with me. Barret, Tifa, you both are too high-risk. Scarlet is gunning for us, and your photos likely disseminated fastest in Shinra’s hive. Cait and Nanaki, what do you prefer?”

“I’m stayin’ here!” Cait Sith says. “I do not want to cross paths with Shinra. Sounds like a lot of bad luck.”

“I’ll remain as well. My unusual presence may draw attention,” Nanaki says.

“What about me?” Aerith pipes up.

The group turns to her. She’s standing with hands clasped, smiling sweetly. Cloud wants to keep her close. Keep an eye on her.

“Wanna come with us?” he asks.

She nods.

Vincent doesn’t seem thrilled to be on errand duty, but then again, he doesn’t seem particularly thrilled about anything except finding Hojo. Yuffie, however, is very interested in stealing from Shinra. She keeps talking about the best ways to scope out a target. Vincent, at one point, actually looks annoyed.

Cloud and Aerith don’t speak. He wants to tell her about the Jenova that’s linking them, to divulge his curious fear around her abilities, but he can’t seem to structure the questions in his head. He doesn’t want to push her away. That conversation needs to happen, just not right now.

Rocket Town doesn’t have any official entry or borders. A smattering of homes and shops encircle the dilapidated rocket, which seems an odd centerpiece of exalted decay. Shinra’s banners, though a faded older style, pepper the buildings. Aircraft hangars line the outskirts, and engineers work in the open air. Cloud recognizes several modules they are building as part of the Airbuster units, to be sent to Midgar for assembly.

Vincent comments on the advanced technology and shows surprise that Shinra would ever consider space travel.

“Weren’t biological interests enough?” he says.

The science division was severely defunded when Cloud had awoken. He tries to tell Vincent about Hojo’s complaints of corporate undermining, to which Vincent seems uneasy to hear how closely Cloud worked with Hojo.

“For Hojo. Not with,” Cloud specifies. Vincent says it’s all the same.

Yuffie runs off, excited for a heist which only she has in mind, while Cloud and Aerith count their gil. Vincent remains outside as the two purchase nonperishable food and supplies from a nearby shop. It’s not a lot.

As they exit, Vincent nods towards a middle-aged man with buzzed-short light blonde hair stalking through the center of town. The blonde is talking on the phone.

“That seems to be the de facto leader,” Vincent says. “He was ordering others around. They respect him.”

The man is scowling, furious with whoever is on the other line. Broad shoulders roll with agitation beneath his blue jacket. There’s no Shinra logo on his clothing, but that means nothing when Shinra owns the entire town.

“What do you mean the deadline’s been moved up!?” he shouts over the phone. “Are you fucking serious? I don’t give a shit about a professor who’s-it. There’s no way it can fly in such short notice.”

The man pulls a cigarette from his jacket and lights it. Then he covers his eyes with one hand, smoke trailing between two fingers.

“Those funds should be sent to the Space Program. Not hurried along on whatever grandiose plans you now have for my airship. My airship, which you confiscated!” He shoves a thumb at his chest for emphasis. Then he takes a long drag of his cigarette. “I know, I know,” he says, calming down a little. “Well, the war is over, and so I thought… Right…. Yes, sir…”

He snaps his PHS shut and curses. The new president is a total asshole, he says, and this deadline is idiotic. He shouts and paces and jabs the air with his fist. Apparently, this type of behavior is customary because nobody in town is staring.

Then he spots Cloud and Aerith and Vincent.

“What the hell you three looking at? You from HQ?”

He walks over. Cloud adjusts his footing. Vincent doesn’t budge. Aerith puts a hand on her hip.

“No, we aren’t from HQ,” she says. “We’re passing through. What’re you so upset about?”

The man laughs. “Upset about? Just that newbie, Rufus. Things were bad enough with the old President, and now I’ve got his brat crawlin’ up my ass about deadlines, and what the hell do you care? If you’re passing through, you better just keep on passin’. Ain’t nothing to see here, as you can tell.”

He flicks ash and juts his chin towards the failed rocket.

“So snap whatever photos you’ve come to take and get the hell out.”

Done with the conversation, the man stomps off.

“Wow,” Cloud says, watching him go.

“Not a fan of Shinra,” Aerith remarks.

#fanfiction #ff7 fanfic #final fantasy vii #final fantasy 7 #ao3 #zack dies earlier #cid highwind #cloud strife

[ahomeboylives]

#ShowYourProcess

From planning to posting, share your process for making creative content!

To continue supporting content makers, this tag game is meant to show the entire process of making creative content: this can be for any creation. RULES — When your work is tagged, show the process of its creation from planning to posting, then tag 5 4 people with a specific link to one of their creative works you’d like to see the process of. Use the tag #showyourprocess so we can find yours!

thank you @claudiablack for the tag!!! here's the process I went through with this jiang cheng/yunmeng trio set!

1. Planning

well the start was just "oh hey i should make a jiang cheng/siblings thing" so i looked at my jwy playlist and decided that maximum damage would come from orange sky by alexi murdoch (i was right). next step was to pasting the lyrics to a doc to chop up the verses (post image 1) and figure out who each section would go to (through colorblocking), and how to apply the verses to scenes. then i asked for input on favorite siblings scenes from the groupchat, and set off to find those moments.

a transitional piece between planning and creating; (post image 2) the lyric sections become numbered corresponding to slides so i can put the purple highlighting on all of them, and bold the text and edit things to be a bit more condensed, which makes it far easier for copy-pasting into the text box

[IDs: 1. many lines of lyrics from 'orange sky' highlighted in a few colors: first 2 lines, light blue; next 4, light-ish red-orange; next 4, medium red-orange; next 4, light purple; next 7, medium purple; next 6, light yellow-orange; next 3, slightly darker shade of the previous color. 2. similar to before, many lines of lyrics, but now the sections are numbered, highlighted in the same medium purple, and bolded /end IDs]

2. Creating

once i'd planned it all out, i switched to using slides (post image 3), because i realized it gave me that much more freedom with how i placed the text. (this edit used chunks with more lines in them than other song edits, which made it look a bit odd putting them in the white space above (of which i don't have an image to show.)) it was my first time using slides for this process too!!! after i'd found all the moments to use and screenshotted them, i went in to make sure all my screenshots were the right size then moved them into their slide, then went through the process of moving the text boxes around to see where they worked best without obstructing too much. luckily the bottom left corner worked really nicely for all of them. when i had everything where i wanted i went into present mode and got the screenshots. saving process; after resizing each screenshot with the white border, i saved each file as 'ymsibs[01-10]'

[ID: 3. a screenshot of parts 1 + 2 (top two) and 4 + 5 (bottom two) from the set in the slideshow grid viewer on gslides /end ID]

3. Posting

as for posting, it was pretty straightforward. i drag and drop, reorder the images, then wrote up the image descriptions, and hit 'post now'! i tend to save to drafts in order to check how the text and ID looks, so i did that, and sometimes i'll check how it's looking on mobile but that part of the process relies on what time it is – didn't do the mobile check bc this was up past midnight my time, but luckily it looked fine!

TAGGING (with no obligations ofc):

@shanheling for THIS POST @pendraegon for hannibalxtheuntamed (you can pick just 1 post to showcase i just wanna know more) @translanzhans for this edit @torsamors for this poem

#tag games #long post #waa this is fun #hm... creative process

[cjwallflower]

Marvel Gender Headcanons

because i doubt some of these people are cis

Peter: 

i claim this man for the trans community

he realised he was trans at around present time (15-16 years old)

he knows his family and friends will accept him

he’s still N E R V O U S

but he still wants to be true to his identity

so he wears the trans flag colours!!

Ned obvs catches on, but doesn’t say anything

Tony’s the first one Peter comes out to, bc i’m soft and irondad owns my heart

Tony gets him a spider suit with a binder built in

Peter is absolutely the kind of trans guy who forgets to take off his binder (i’m not projecting what do you mean)

he comes out to his aunt May next, and she breaks out the scissors

the other eventually figure it out, and they accept him immediately

Peter: Hey Clint?

Clint: Yo

Peter: I’m trans

Clint: *takes a gulp of his soda* wig

Peter: ???

they love him though let’s be real

Natasha Punches A Transphobe

someone calls Peter a tr*nny 

Natasha sends them on a one way trip to space :)

Peter absolutely decides to go on T

and he is a handsome!! boy!!

he eventually tells Ned and MJ, and they accept him too

Ned buys him a trans flag

NED BUYS HIM A TRANS FLAG

by the time they’re graduating high school, Peter passes as cis very well

Tony:

i’m claiming Tony as trans too

i promise there’s other gender identities here jdsfhkhsdfkjh

Tony came out in the 80s of all times

we know Howard

it didn’t go over well

Maria didn’t say much about it, but Howard was actively against it

Tony didn’t care at all

he literally snuck out and got a fake ID so he could start on T

Tony was almost 18 at that point, but he still used Howard’s money

just to piss him off

well Howard ended up dying like 3 years later

Maria survived because fuck you

but Tony never ended up getting any surgeries because he ended up getting busy with the company

he just didn’t have time, with all the recovery that goes into it

he’s still on T though!!

mans has tiddies and a beard, the boomers get confused

he tends to keep it more private though

Pepper knows, how could she not?

Pepper is the sole reason Tony survived to adulthood lbr

Peter found out accidentally

Tony got oil on a shirt while fixing one of his machines, and Peter walked in while he had it off

he saw the binder and boyyy was that a surprise

but it totally explained how Tony already knew so much about supporting Peter in his transition

the problem with being an ADHD workaholic?? 

hyperfocusing

when Tony hyperfocuses, he forgets to take off his binder

Jarvis: Sir, you need to take off your binder

Tony: Gimme like five more minutes, I need to finish this

Jarvis: Sir, it’s been 38 hours??

Tony: *already moving onto the next task* What’s your point?

his ribs are so fucked

Pepper and Peter remind him too

my boy is a mess

Thor:

this is solely because my nb loml claimed thor as nb and it’s super fucking valid

i love you babe 🥺

so Thor learned about different genders from Loki

and also from Peter tbh

but Thor LOVED the idea of being in between

it just made him really happy!!

he started using those labels a lot, even though he didn’t know much about what they meant

being on Earth more, he started to learn more about them

mostly because they replaced cops at pride (Peter’s idea)

so Thor decided to learn more

he knew he liked boys, that wasn’t uncommon on Asgard

gender expression was very open, but that blurred the lines a lot for him

when he got to non-binary, it clicked

“oh that sounds like me”

“THATS ME”

he was excited he’d figured it out

his immediate instinct?

he went to tell Loki

the only problem was Loki was asleep

“LOKI LOKI LOKI-”

“what do you wANT-”

“I’M NON-LIBRARY!!”

“WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN-”

it took like ten minutes for Loki to figure out what he meant

Loki was tired give him a break

he just kinda pushed Thor’s face away and went back to sleep

they talked about it again in the morning

after Loki got some coffee he was more receptive

“I accept you, just please stop waking me up at 2 am”

Thor’s just trying his best

he doesn’t know how to be non-binary though

(there is no right way to be enby though)

so Loki tried a few example sentences using they/them pronouns

Thor LOVED it

so now Thor wanted to use they/them pronouns

Loki isn’t a brain cell by any means

but he sure feels like one sometimes

and he’s tired of it

ANYWAYS

Thor announced it to everyone they saw

some people heard it multiple times

“GUYS I’M NON-BINARY!! :D”

they were happy for their thude

and Thor wore an enby flag to their first pride!!

now the protector of the lesbians says non-library rights

Loki:

Loki basically always knew he was genderfluid

it just seemed really obvious to him?

he realised he wasn’t cis when he was 7

he transformed into a girl for fun 

and she was like “oh i like this-”

so she experimented with that

and she fucking loved all of them

so she turned back into a boy and went to Frigga

that’s how he found out about the word genderfluid

so he basically just grew up shapeshifting as much as he wanted

when they eventually went to earth, Loki couldn’t shapeshift as much

after he was redeemed, he still needed to be recognisable so they wouldn’t think he was to pull a fast one on them

he was uncomfy 

Loki stays in his room a lot

he just really doesn’t wanna deal with it

he still shapeshifts in private!

Thor ends up being the one to catch on

but he kinda knows that Loki won’t talk to him

so he sends in the spider child!

Loki and Peter have a pretty close bond

so on one of the nights they hang out, it’s a she/her day

and Loki just kinda snapped and went on a bit of a rant

and she ended up coming out to Peter

Loki totally didn’t end up crying what do you mean

she just needs a hug

obvs Peter was accepting

he gave her that hug don’t worry

this was all on a rooftop eating bad street food jhshkfhjfkhkd

he did ask if he could tell the others, and Loki reluctantly agreed

yeah, the others felt kinda bad

so they ended up compromising!!

Loki could shapeshift, but not into other people 

and she could wear whatever she wanted

they also gave her bracelets so she could express her pronouns

its a long road

and it takes a long time to build trust

but Loki really does appreciate Thor and Peter’s efforts

Bucky:

trans enby rights. send tweet

let’s jump back to 1930s

Bucky was transitioning before the war

he had the surgeries and was on T

Steve was the only one who really knew 

it was right when HRT was starting to become a thing

he was one of the first people to try it

and it worked pretty well!

Bucky passed easily after ~2 years on T

but then he died

RIP Bucky :(

when he comes back as a Hydra agent, they use T supplements to make his body stronger

“Jokes on you, I like that shit”

yeah no the others end up rescuing him from there

but Bucky still takes T

everyone is a bit worried about it

they think he’s still under Hydra’s control

Steve has to explain it (with Bucky’s permission)

but Bucky really starts feeling a disconnect with being a male

it’s mostly due to the trauma from Hydra

he knows he’s not a girl anymore

but he hates the idea of being a boy now

so he has no idea what he is

he ends up drawing the parallel between himself and Thor

but Bucky still sees some masculinity in Thor, which confuses him a LOT

Bucky’s always confused lbr

so he ends up finding the term Agender

and he understands it!! and likes it!!

he’s too nervous to tell the others, so he writes sentences using they/them pronouns

“Their name is Bucky Barnes”

“Bucky is tired, they need a nap”

“Bucky’s best friend is Steve. They’ve known Steve since the beginning”

Bucky is WAY happier with they/them pronouns

the problem is they don’t know how to communicate that

even to Steve, they’re just nervous

Steve ends up finding the paper, which now has over 100 sentences

so the next time they’re alone, Steve brings it up, and after a little bit of avoiding answering, Bucky tells him about it

Steve is super accepting 🥺

“Do you want me to tell the others for you?”

“Yes please, I have no idea what I’m doing-”

“I don’t think any of us do”

so Steve lets the others know, and they start using they/them pronouns

Bucky’s IMMEDIATELY so much happier

i just think they’re neat-

MJ:

MJ isn’t cis, fuck you

MJ is a demigirl

and no one even figured it out for the longest time

she kinda groups herself on the more non-binary side

Peter finds out because someone calls her by they/them pronouns

“MJ?? Are you?? Non-binary??”

“Nope”

“Are you still a girl??” 

“Nope”

after like 20 mins Peter figures it out

and boy is he confused

“Why didn’t you just say it?”

“I couldn’t. Gotta keep ‘em on their toes”

“Who??”

“:)”

the M in MJ stands for mystery

anyways!!

she switches from lesbian to the term Trixic (NBLW)

MJ goes to pride with Peter and Ned that year

MJ gets a girlfriend there!!

she comes out to her girlfriend upfront. she doesn’t feel like waiting

yeah she gets intense

she gets it from her moms

who can blame her

MJ sometimes wears a binder

she wore one on the first day of school, because Peter was nervous about being out (he’d come out over the summer)

MJ will punch transphobes and homophobes

even just for fun tbh

but she won’t do it immediately

she heard someone make a comment about Ned and his boyfriend and waited a few days

and then came out of nowhere

B O N K

the douchebag kinda knew why though 

in conclusion, MJ is elite

[demonsonthemoon]

The Flood and its Aftermath

Fandom: Supernatural Pairings: N/A Word Count: 1861 Summary: Sam had always thought that coming out would be the hardest thing. Note: I set out to write what was meant to NOT be a coming-out fic. Then it turned into a coming-out fic. Turns out writing what you would have wanted coming out to feel like is really therapeutic? Who would have guessed.Anyway, Sam Winchester is a non-binary lesbian in my heart.

Read it on AO3.

Sam had always thought that coming out would be the hardest thing.

The silver lining being that, with the lives they lived, there was really only one person she needed to come out to.

Dean.

Dean Winchester, the manly man who thought he was making fun of Sam by calling her a girl. The kind of guy who would refuse a good drink if it came in a pink bottle.

But Sam wasn't stupid and they knew better. Dean wasn't as much of an asshole as he made himself out to be, not really. That kind of bullshit was just the best way that Dean had found to protect himself.

Still. The hypermasculine posturing hadn't exactly been reassuring to Sam considering that he needed to tell his brother he was trans.

He'd thought that coming out would be the hardest, because it was the first step, the one that was supposed to open the floodgates.

In the end, it had been relatively easy. The anticipation had been awful, a crawling feeling under his skin where guilt and fear mingled.

People could argue all they wanted that lying by omission wasn't technically lying but it sure felt the same way to Sam. She wasn't sure what telling Dean would change, which was perhaps what made it so scary. She knew, however, that she couldn't physically keep it a secret anymore, that it was making her sick inside.

Besides, secrets had nearly ruined their relationship many times over.

She was sick of that too.

So there came a day, in the bunker, in front of a dinner Dean had lovingly prepared (because he cooked now, more than spaghetti-Os and PB&J sandwiches) where Sam told their brother that they were trans.

Dean's first reaction was confusion. His second was awkward laughter. Which was followed by more confusion. Sam let him work through it, knowing Dean needed to get past his surprise before they could really start talking.

Sure enough, Dean frowned deeply before asking : “When you say you're transgender, you mean you feel like a woman?”

“No. Well, not exactly. It's more like... Like there's a spectrum between being a man and being a woman and I'm somewhere on that spectrum. It moves around a lot. Most often these days I feel closer to womanhood, I guess, but it's never really one or the other so it's hard to tell.”

“So... what, you don't feel like a guy, but you're not a woman either?”

“Yeah. Something like that. Non-binary is the term. I guess technically I'm genderfluid, but I like non-binary.”

“How long have you...?”

Sam shrugged. “Depends on what you mean. I only put a word to it maybe... a year ago? Two years? But looking back... I think I might have felt this way for a long time. Especially in college. I was just... curious. About gender, queerness. I thought I was a straight guy, though, and it felt... I don't know. Voyeuristic? So I didn't really explore it. And there were times, then and later, when something didn't feel right, but I just blamed that on everyrhing else that was wrong with me.”

“You know that's not true, right?”

“What?”

“That there's something wrong with you. There's not.”

“Dean-”

“I mean it. This isn't wrong. And all the rest of it...” The demon blood. His psychic powers. The memories of a body without a soul and of a soul being tortured. “It's all stuff that was done to you. It's not who you are.”

Sam wasn't sure he wholly agreed with his brother. He wasn't convinced you could separate the essence of a soul from all that had shaped it throughout the years. That particular line of thinking had backfired every time he had tried it. But this wasn't the time to have that conversation.

“I know it's not wrong,” Sam said, only addressing one part of Dean's argument. “That's why I'm telling you. Being non-binary... It feels right. It feels like me.”

“Okay,” Dean replied. Then, with slightly more assurance: “Okay. So... what does it change? Do I call you like... my sister? Or... my sibling, I guess?”

Sam smiled. The apprehension they'd been feeling for almost an entire days was quickly dissolving, leaving behind relief and a fierce kind of love.

“Yeah. I'd like that. Either of them. I mean... It's fine if you don't, I get that it's-”

“Dude.” Dean winced right after interrupting them. “Not-dude. Whatever. I'm probably gonna mess up. A lot. Like I just did. But you've got to let me try. You told me this because it's important to you, right? So you need to let me know how I can make you more comfortable. Not just what's okay or what's easier but what you actually prefer. Okay?”

Sam held up her hands. “Yeah. Okay. Sorry, it's just... It's complicated. I'm not actually planning on transitioning medically. Can't really afford to, not with the risk of someone looking into one of our fake IDs. And before you suggest black market hormones – I know that look in your eyes, don't deny it – I just don't want to. This is the body I've got. It took me years to stop feeling like there was something wrong with it, but I'm finally getting there. I don't wanna change it. But that means... I'm always gonna look pretty masculine, okay? Even if that's not how I feel, I get that that's what other people see. And that's... okay. It's how it is. I don't want to come out to everyone I meet, there's no point and it's just none of their business. So sticking to masuline language is better. It's not just easier, although that's part of it. It's more comfortable than always being put on the spot.

“Okay. That... It sucks that you even have to think like that, but I get it.”

Sam shot her brother a grateful look. She doubted whether he really did get it, whether he understood how painful and frustrating it had been to come to these conclusions after finally finding ways to explore her gender identity. But all that mattered was that he was trying.

“What about when it's just us then?”

“You could... switch? Pronouns, I mean. Sometimes he, sometimes she. Singular they. Same with gendered words, when there's no neutral way to say something.

Dean stayed silent for a few seconds. He nervously ran a hand through his hair, not looking at Sam when he finally spoke. “Tell me if I say something fucked up, okay? I know I'm not always the most... sensitive, when it comes to those things.”

Sam nodded in what he hoped was a reassuring manner.

“From what you said about-” He made a vague hand gesture. “- fluid genders, I get that it makes sense to switch pronouns. But you also said you felt more feminine, right? And I... I'm so used to seeing you as my brother and as a guy, so...”

Dean paused, as if waiting for Sam to tell him off for what he'd just said. But they wouldn't do that, because they knew it was true and that Dean wasn't saying this to prove a point about who Sam really was.

“I just think that if you let me call you he, I won't actually be able to switch to thinking of you as anything else.”

A bittersweet emotion bloomed under Sam's tongue, making him choke and his eyes water. Sam had argued with himself, again and again, and he'd figured it was easier to give his brother an out. It would hurt less like this, he'd thought, less than if he'd asked for more and had had to face his brother's failures full-on.

But Dean was flat-out refusing to take the easy way out.

Sam knew his expression probably looked ridiculous, but he smiled. Wide and bright, and with his eyes still prickling.

“She and they work, then. Thank you.”

Dean looked embarrassed. “Sure.”

He wasn't looking at her, but Sam didn't mind. She was happy. She basked in the silence between them, silence that was no longer heavy with secrets.

“Hey, Sam?”

“Mmh?”

“Is it still funny if I call you Samantha?”

Sam laughed, despite themself. Dean's grin was shy in return.

“It was never funny, jerk.”

“Bitch.”

So that, it turned out, had been the easy part.

The hard stuff came after.

The hard stuff was finding a way to get Dean to stop walking on eggshells around her everytime he had to correct himself on pronouns. The hard stuff was learning to correct Dan herself, forcing herself to stop letting it slide despite every part of her that screamed it wasn't a big deal and that it was safer to say nothing. The hard stuff was learning to know herself and then have that knowledge be stripped away by the gaze of strangers every time she and Dean went out in public.

Sam had learned to love his body out of necessity. Because they knew how easy it was to lose control of it, and because most days it was the only thing they could rely on. Years of living amongst demons and angels had taught them that the physical form was only a vessel. And so it hurt when other people couldn't understand that.

There was another thing that the hunter's life had taught Sam. Pain was easier to deal with when you were used to it. But it didn't take long to lose that habit.

And so the sweetest moments, the euphoria of knowing and of feeling known, they made the other times even more difficult. They made the casual assumptions and the well-meaning but off-track comments feel like a constant weight over their shoulders.

The hardest thing, in all of this, was that Sam couldn't get angry. He couldn't fault people for not instinctively realizing what had taken them 30 years to figure out. He couldn't complain about people using the wrong pronouns, not when he used them himself. He couldn't begrudge people for not seeing him for who he was, not when he didn't know how to make that person intelligible in any sort of language.

And so Sam couldn't get angry. They got tired instead, the kind of fatigue that settled into their bones like it had in the first few months of that year when Dean had been in Purgatory and Sam had been driving because he didn't know what else they could do.

On those days, Sam kept going because she knew there was no better option. And she knew, in her heart, that this was only a matter of having lost the habit. She knew that it only hurt so bad because the ache wasn't constant anymore, because there were moments (with herself, then with Dean, then with Castiel and Jack and Jody too) where she could be herself without it being a question, where she existed not only in translation but in the glory of her own tongue, and when she didn't have to try.

The wise man asks the fool:

Why do you hurt yourself so?

Because it feels so good when the pain stops.

#Meeni writes fics #Sam Winchester #Supernatural #Non-binary Sam Winchester #Trans Sam Winchester

[secret-engima]

how familiar are you with youkai type stuff? like YYH, Inu Yasha type youkai. Because i had the idea for Nox & Ardyn to get thrown into a FFXV Youkai verse &. can't think how. or even what the hell LCs & NFs would be. maybe they're all human, but youkai are /around/, Somnus & Ardyn are half siblings, Ardyn's half youkai, and Nox is adopted in. kitsune maybe? that'd be a fic for Kitsunegeddon for sure. the ear and the tails, odd additions to their magic, oh, id /love/ to read that.

Ummmmmmmm not ..... really? Like- I get it as a concept but I don’t know that many of the tropes and stuff because I’ve never actually watched Inuyasha or YYH (don’t even known the premise of that one tbh I just remember it’s one with the people with the weirdly colored outfits and the one dude with a pompadour?). I’ve read some Inuyasha fanfic though so I can kinda see where you’re coming from so I can ... give it a shot? Don’t wanna turn this into a massive AU of its own tho, I like my Taur verse and other verses atm, but dabbling in this might be fun so here we go.

(What’s Kitsunegeddon????)

-Actually, Ardyn isn’t half youkai, he’s full. He’s just a mixed clans. That way I can make LCs a youkai (probably dragon) clan blessed by Bahamut with protection of humans and sovereignty over other youkai and I can make the Oracles humans blessed with the magic to purify both starscourge and youkai (what’s the word- miko? Like Kagome). Ardyn is half-kitsune/half-dragon, actually and that’s probably why when Nox and he get yote into this new timeline, Nox isn’t human anymore (much to his distress) but a DRAGON/KITSUNE HYBRID (look, some things got messed up int he transition, he should have been full dragon but somehow wound up half-kitsune, even if he takes far more strongly after his dragon side than Ardyn does. Of course, despite having, in his non-human form, dragon horns and wings, he still has a whopping nine whole tails, all of them inky black with silver scattered throughout like stars (look up silver foxes, very pretty). Ardyn himself could be mistaken for a full kitsune and is a freaking eight tails, which panics more than a few members of the human and youkai community because two unaffiliated kitsune that powerful showing up out of nowhere? Previously utterly unknown to all youkai circles? Not supposed to be possible.

-Also Nox looks and smells WAY too young to be that strong. Nox feels like a BABY youkai despite his teenage frame and nine tails. Ardyn, at least, looks and smells old enough to be an eight or nine tails (2k years old after all) but for him to be utterly unknown and have no territory? Alarm flags.

-They have that many tails because it was an adaption to how much Crystal magic they had packed inside to be converted to more youkai based forms. Being a realized and completed Chosen King is what makes Nox a nine-tails, though the PLAN was just for him to be a much larger than normal dragon youkai, considering LCs are dragons and he’s supposed to be full dragon. (Bahamut off in the void: Oops).

-Both of them proceed to wander around learning this wacky new magic and in general send both humans and youkai into fits of worry over them. Because on one hand, humans are worried over their terrible self care, on the other, youkai are worried over how two kitsune this freaking strong are only just now being noticed. Then they figure out Nox, at least, is half dragon and the panic increases because LC KITSUNE HYBRID? RAISED AWAY FROM LC CLAN. OHHHHH NO.

-They probably end up Known well before the Marilith, but despite Cor’s best efforts, the hanyou can’t catch up with them until the Marilith incident happens and he and Regis both get a real good look at a furious nine tailed kitsune with dragon features steamrolling a Marilith while an eight-tails cackles insanely and cheerfully dumps a startled and unhurt Noctis in Regis’s arms before going to help in the dismemberment of the daemon.

-Nox promptly tries to leave once the dismemberment is done, but Cor is suddenly there and Regis is on the other side going full dragon to be eye level and Nox thinks he can’t escape without a fight- which he won’t do.

-So. Regis gets to have a minor panic attack over discovering the Dramatic Way that he has a half-kitsune son who’s been running around with his kitsune uncle and that they’re probably the ones blowing up all the Niflheim bases despite the anti-youkai tech the youkai-phobic human empire has been developing for decades (their magic was originally all Crystal, rather than youkai with Astral blessing, so the anti-youkai measures just don’t - work, despite their youkai bodies).

-Shenanigans and species/culture misunderstandings proceed to abound as Regis takes the two back to the Citadel and very quickly realizes these two have no clue on how to Youkai and only a moderate idea on how to Human. Someone help him.

-Some extra thoughts on this would be: Cor is a hanyou (hope that’s the right word), no one knows which parent was the human one but the other one was a very lion youkai, which is why Cor picked the last name he did. Cor has no full youkai form, but he can have claws, slitted eyes, and a lashing tail when he’s Angry.

-Amicitias are a long line of humans blessed/bound to the service of the LC clan, which greatly extends their lifespan and makes them a little ... draconic. Also abnormally strong. The line of thought here is that LCs can handle other youkai, but anti-youkai humans can still hurt them, so the Shield is there to both serve as a voice for the humans in the kingdom and to keep other humans from hurting the LCs.

-There are more LCs around this time, but unfortunately by more I mean one and by one I mean Mors, who has been firmly retired by his son and never leaves his part of the Citadel because frankly he hates non-Amicitia humans and finds his son’s pro-human stance disgusting.

-Prompto is a full human. Ignis is a long-suffering cat youkai (nekomata?).

-Weskham and Cid are both pure humans with extended lifespans because Regis claimed them as His and bound their aging to his magic when they were all a retinue, even now that they are estranged he still keeps up the blessing because he loves them. Regis is quite the outlier for having a primarily human (and one hanyou) Retinue. Most LCs have the Shield as their human and maybe one other and the others are supposed to be youkai. Regis never cared.

-Titus is a long-suffering wolf youkai. Someone help him his new kitsune boss is a maniac.

-The Glaives are ... well. Galahdians. That means they are Weird. People can’t decide if they are humans, hanyou, or youkai and frankly Galahdians don’t help explain because they don’t care. The Galahdian youkai clans fully mingled with the human clans LONG ago and by this point they’re all so mixed blood there’s really no distinction. They call themselves shifters because they look pure human in human form but can transform into a youkai form. The youkai form is smaller and more animalistic than normal youkai though, which is where the confusion comes in (think- shifters? Shifters.). Nyx can shift into a black Coeurl, Crowe turns into a slightly eldritch/shadowy crow, Libertus is a permanently exasperated Behemoth. I don’t know what the others are.

-Also PS if someone Arts Nox as a pretty kitsune with spirally, antelope-esque dragon horns, dragon wings, and nine fluffy fox tails I will Scream for Joy.

#SE asks #anon asks #Secret Engima Rambles #Nox verse #Nox!Youkai AU #youkai au #kitsunegeddon #? #ffxv

[geshertzarmeod]

therapy today included me:

- theorizing that my social needs/wants/abilities have gone, during the pandemic, from me having regressed to middle school of only talking to a few people (although much less toxic!!!!) and not wanting to interact with anyone else and being vaguely afraid of interacting with anyone else, to high school of me interacting with a few people i know in person (but now its virtual just i KNOW them from in person) and yet wanting to interact with strangers online from a fandom-forward or special-interest-forward perspective rather than like.... where are we where are we in life and whatever that is Normal Interaction

- requesting to go back to once/week rather than twice/week because im getting like therapy claustrophobic. its going Too Fast and i Need A Break. Accellerated Healing did not work

- talking about my old job and how im really struggling to move forward partially because there are so many seperate threads or like, seperate stories that are All True but not fully complete (like, i moved across the country for a job and felt isolated in the new place and struggled to make friends and to get fulfillment mostly from the job itself, and then it didnt work out so i went back home. or i started a new job and was not welcomed into the workplace as a queer person and felt separate from the other staff and struggled to integrate into the workplace community and conversation and left. or i started my first new job and had organizational issues partly because of ADHD and did not find adequate supports but also didn't successfully push myself through it to do better and ended up being put on a performance plan and let go. and i started my first job and then got let go because of the pandemic. and then the mental health story. and more. and all are true, and mix together, but i dont know where to go from there with ALL of them at ONCE its overwhelming and i dont know how to know if i would succeed at another job or succeed at another job in the jewish field or with students or anything or how much was on them vs on me or what i can do from there and there's no blueprint, theres no story i can read about someone who went through the same thing and made it out, and it reminds me of not being able to find queer stories that show me what someone like me might do with themselves with their lives for their love for happiness for success for survival

- then i transitioned to talking about this post and how different books, specifically ari & dante, ella enchanted, and red white and royal blue, show this. and that the hardest part for me isnt knowing what word to use for myself but thinking about what im even looking for or wanting in my life, if a romantic/sexual partner is something i even want or should keep in my mind as i plan for my future or if its not, because i would change how i thought about and went through my life if i knew for sure i didnt want that but i DONT so im sitll here questioning how i feel about certain friendships, still here feeling alone rather than just content with what i have and planning only close FRIENDSHIPS and platonic closeness around my life in the future rather than imagining a hypothetical partner. thinking about myself as 24 years single vs thinking about myself as having checked the box of that part of life, and literally not worrying about it anymore. thinking about myself as late blooming vs as just, done and complete already.

-also talked about how much i love aristotle and dante and ella enchanted in particular but especially ari & dante and then benjamine alire sáenz himself and his story and last night i sang to the monster

- how i dont know how i'll ever get the answers to the do-i-want-a-life-partner-like-that question becasue the only way to do it is to actually kind of, experience/expirement with where im at with another person who would need to be 1) okay with that/into that, knowing i dont know 2) need to KNOW that i dont know which means id need to tell them 3) someone that i am feeling the confusing feelings i experience sometimes for, meaning a close friend? dnt wanna ruin that???

#miri personal #therapy tag #welcome to my diary #wow i literally hit the character limit i didnt even realize there was one #like if you read if you dont mind... but feel free to read lol #work trauma tag

[purplesurveys]

961

What was the most unsettling film you’ve seen? Unsettling films are my jam, man. To name a few, there’s Eraserhead, Room, Midsommar, Eyes Wide Shut, Misery, and most recently, I’m Thinking of Ending Things. Eraserhead takes the cake though. That movie always makes me queasy...

What unethical experiment would have the biggest positive impact on society as a whole? I’m a firm believer in nothing good ever comes out of unethical practices. I’ll never forget reading about an experiment where a group of newborn babies were given basic needs like food and being bathed, but weren’t shown any affection whatsoever and it was meant to see if humans can survive with just the most basic physiological needs. By the end of the experiment period half of the babies were dead. The results were honestly a lot bleaker than how I’ve put it, but I don’t wanna be a downer lol. Suffice it to say that experiment haunted me for days after reading it.

When was the last time you were snooping, and found something you wish you hadn’t? It was around a week or so ago, I’m pretty sure.

Which celebrity or band has the worst fan base? My sister is into K-pop and I hear insights from her all the time, but her one constant is that BTS breeds the most annoying, toxic fans. I’d have to agree. Ariana Grande’s fandom was also annoying at one point, but I haven’t heard much from them making a mess these days.

What are you interested in that most people aren’t? Autobiographies.

If you were given a PhD degree, but had no more knowledge of the subject of the degree besides what you have now, what degree would you want to be given to you? Why would I deserve a PhD on something I’m clearly not qualified for...I’m not sure I’m following this question right, but I don’t feel like thinking too hard about it.

What smartphone feature would you actually be excited for a company to implement? I’m happy with the features that are widespread now, but I wish companies adhere more to countries other than the common ones like US, UK, Australia, etc. I always see ads about phones being able to tell you how much movie tickets cost or track boarding passes, but those are all irrelevant here. It makes a lot of Apple’s basic apps useless on this side of the world haha.

What’s something people don’t worry about but really should? Long-term effects of poor habits like not getting enough sleep or drinking too many cups of coffee. I know because I’m guilty of this.

What movie quotes do you use on a regular basis? “I won’t think about that now, I’ll think about it tomorrow,” but I usually say it to myself, especially when I feel stressed.

Do you think that children born today will have better or worse lives than their parents? Better, but idk if that’s just me being biased because my generation will be the next parents lol. I just think that a lot of Gen X parents still have a lot of dated prejudices and mindsets that my generation was able to learn better from. For example my mom doesn’t like using people’s preferred names, especially if they’ve transitioned -_____- and I know I’d never want to set such an example for my kids.

What’s the funniest joke you know by heart? I know I’ve come across hilarious ones but I always fail to come up with one when asked on the spot.

When was the last time you felt you had a new lease on life? LOL RIGHT NOW

What’s the funniest actual name you’ve heard of someone having? It’s more stupid than funny and I know I’ve already mentioned this before, but Covid Bryant as a first and second name still takes the cake for me. My sister went to school with a girl whose name is just her surname backwards, and for a time I was really weirded out by it. But in the times I’ve seen her she really owns her name and never looks bothered by it, so I quickly stopped caring.

Which charity or charitable cause is most deserving of money? For me it would have to be organizations for animal welfare.

What TV show character would it be the most fun to change places with for a week? Post-El Camino Jesse Pinkman. I wouldn’t want to live through his chaotic shit  from Breaking Bad, but his fate after El Camino is something I’m super envious of.

What was cool when you were young but isn’t cool now? Flip phones, Blackberry phones, Roshes, Frappuccinos.

If you were moving to another country, but could only pack one carry-on sized bag, what would you pack? Phone, laptop, their chargers, important IDs, some of my favorite tops and jeans, underwear, essential toiletries, wallet, a family photo, a journal and pen, earphones, certain knickknacks to remember Gab and my dogs by. Minus the clothes, all of these are pretty tiny so I think these would all fit in the bag just fine.

What’s the most ironic thing you’ve seen happen? I don’t know. I’m not really a fan of rating the most/worst this and that stuff in my life, either. I feel like I unnecessarily rack my brain too hard for them when I take surveys to have a chill time.

If magic was real, what spell would you try to learn first? Probably something that’d keep my dogs from dying.

If you were a ghost and could possess people, what would you make them do? No thanks. I’d be the chillest ghost tbh, I’d like to just sneak up on people’s business and hang out but never interfere in them.

What goal do you think humanity is not focused enough on achieving? Climate change, global warming, alleviation of poverty. Corporations and the few people who actually have the power and money to change things only ever come up with short-term shit like donations and never look at the big picture. What problem are you currently grappling with? So many personal ones. But just like the recurring theme of my surveys so far, “I don’t want to get into it.”

What character in a movie could have been great, but the actor they cast didn’t fit the role? As much as I love Kristen Stewart, I heard she was cast as Princess Diana for an upcoming film and I’m not really feeling that decision. They could’ve gone with a British actress for starters?????? The movie is still in production but it is pretty annoying to think about lmao.

What game have you spent the most hours playing? Probably GTA: San Andreas as a kid.

What’s the most comfortable bed or chair you’ve ever been in? Luxury hotel beds are always so fluffy and comfortable.

What’s the craziest conversation you’ve overheard? Omg one time at a coffee shop Gabie and I sat beside this older couple that obviously was going through some heavy SHIT. There was a lot of animosity and tension between them and I caught the lady silently break into tears a few times. I never overheard anything but then again they sat in silence for hours until the lady finally walked out on him. Never knew what it was about but I’ve always guessed that the man did something crappy, like cheat, and was discovered. It was a really sad sight and a crazy situation to witness and I think I felt even more sorry because they were obviously in their 50s or 60s. I hope the woman is in a better place now as she looked rough as fuck that evening.

What’s the hardest you’ve ever worked? I wore a lot of hats when I was in my college org, and that was on top of balancing my acads as well.

What movie, picture, or video always makes you laugh no matter how often you watch it? That scene from Friends where Ross plays the keyboard for Chandler, Phoebe, Monica, and Rachel.

What artist or band do you always recommend when someone asks for a music recommendation? It depends on what music they’re into and if I have actually have a recommendation in mind for them. I obviously can’t suggest Paramore to someone who mainly listens to metal.

If you could have an all-expenses paid trip to see any famous world monument, which monument would you choose? I’m down for any monuments that are super ancient like Stonehenge or the Pyramids of Giza.

If animals could talk, which animal would be the most annoying? I’d go with frogs, but only because they get annoyingly loud in the evening.

What’s the most addicted to a game you’ve ever been? Playing The Sims, Mario Kart, Rock Band, or games in the Burnout franchise.

What’s the coldest you’ve ever been? Japan was so fucking cold when I was there. Didn’t do my research and ended up being dressed poorly, and I was so cold I could barely talk to my parents or fully enjoy my time. Sagada was also nearly unbearable in the early morning.

Which protagonist from a book or movie would make the worst roommate? Not from a book or movie, but BoJack Horseman. Diane can also be in the running as I always found her too whiny. I get that she had her personal shit to deal with, but I don’t think living with her would be good for my own sanity and mental health.

Do you eat food that’s past its expiration date if it still smells and looks fine? It annoys my chef dad to death that I don’t lol. No matter how great it looks, I’d bounce. I once ate expired Kit Kats that tasted like cardboard and that scared me off of expired food forever.

What’s the most ridiculous thing you have bought? I once bought a stupid novelty soap that to this day I’ve never even opened. It’s in one of my drawers, and I plan to just throw it out at some point.

What’s the funniest comedy skit you’ve seen? Not a fan of these but one that got to me is Dear Sister from SNL.

What’s the most depressing meal you’ve eaten? A few years ago there was a local breakfast place that offered red velvet pancakes for a limited time and I was all over that crap, so I went and ordered. The actual pancakes ended up not being any bigger than my palm, and I remember not being able to hide my disappointment once the server placed the dish on my table haha. I felt so scammed. I had to order something else to feel full, because those pancakes were stupidly small.

What tips or tricks have you picked up from your job/jobs? One of my superiors, when she was presenting a pitch to our director yesterday, kept asking questions and picking at the director’s brain so that she can get suggestions and answers straight from the director herself and so that she didn’t have to do any brainstorming anymore. I thought that was a pretty nifty and clever hack.

What outdoor activity haven’t you tried, but would like to? Hiking a mountain!

What songs hit you with a wave of nostalgia every time you hear them? Umbrella by Rihanna feat. Jay-Z.

What’s the worst backhanded compliment you could give someone? Idk, anything can be the worst depending on the context. I’m not a fan of giving those, though.

What’s the most interesting documentary you’ve ever watched? Unsolved Mysteries’ Dupont de Ligonnès episode was a lot of fun to watch.

What was the last song you sang along to? I think it was Thinking of You by Katy Perry? but I’m not entirely sure. I haven’t sung along to anything in a while.

What app can you not believe someone hasn’t made yet? I don’t really download and use a lot of apps other than the basic ones, so I don’t care too much.

When was the last time you face palmed? Last night.

If you were given five million dollars to open a small museum, what kind of museum would you create? I’d give it away to the Martial Law museum currently being made near my university so that it can do more to show the atrocities of the Marcoses. And so that I can piss off my pro-Marcos relatives.

Which of your vices or bad habits would be the hardest to give up? Uh hating myself, if that counts.

What really needs to be modernized? Public transportation systems in this country.

#survey #surveys

[coridallasmultipass]

Vent / personal / tmi / menstruation / endometriosis / long post ... Im so fucking sick of healthcare professionals telling me to just wait it out and pushing my problems onto other doctors I just got my 5th shot of lupron and have 1 more next month. On my appointment last week i told the gyn how ive been having much more cramping and tissue but not blood coming out regularly and he said its possible the combined lupron and norethindrone are making my uterine lining too thin, and to stop the norethindrone (it was being prescribed to help any menopause-like side effects the lupron can have) And less than 24 hours after my first missed dose i get a full blown period complete with extreme mood swings and depression Im not bleeding this week but im still cramping and the mood swings are so fucking bad, being chronically ill and not getting enough relief from any of my medications is making all of this worse but im literally breaking down over any little thing The lupron and norethindrone combined i guess have been suppressing all my emotions bc this is what it was like on the daily before i started it (just not as bad) which is telling me that none of my psych meds are working but whatever I just now got off the phone with my psych and he said he doesnt want to do anything with my meds or dosing bc he says its related to hormones and thats what my gyn needs to address and i Need To Wait im fucking sick of waiting i cant do this ive been waiting since last august!!!!!!! I now have to wait 2 more whole months of mood swings until i can have another appointment with him hes refused to actually screen me for adhd too and says its bc im An Artist type that im not able to sit down and draw anything since last fall like i fucking hate him and he never gets my name or pronouns right and i cant go see a new psych bc of all the closures and i dont wanna call my gyn bc he said if things get worse i need to have a pelvic ultrasound done again and i cant do it!!! I fucking cant do it it hurts too much im too traumatized from depoprovera and mirena that i cant even touch myself without extreme dysphoria and fear that im going to cramp Its killing me that as someone who was so personally sexual to completely be traumatized from the road to an endometriosis diagnosis that i can no longer masturbate or even talk about sex without anxiety and being trans on top of it hurts even more Next gyn appt is my last injection of lupron and im really gonna push to plan for a partial hysterectomy (i only had endo cysts on the back of my uterus but it was 100% confirmed with surgery and biopsy) so i hope it will help so i can stop taking all these fucking hormonal medications like Before being diagnosed i was really planning on going on testosterone but now im too scared because i feel like it would really fuck up my health problems more - mentally and physically Ive given up on passing and am trying to focus on body acceptance especially now that ove had rapid weight gain that isnt being addressed by any of ky doctors i bring it up to God im just trying to vent here but seriously Do not take the diagnosis of endometriosis lightly its super serious to go forth with any treatments and you really have to commit to long term treatments and its a gamble either way For me not starting any treatments was unacceptable i needed help with extreme monthly periods and all forms of birth control ive tried exacerbated symptoms and never stopped bleeding - i literally cannot personally recommend any form of medical birth control bc every one has fucked me over, many different pills at different points in my life, shot (depoprovera gave me debilitating cramps and i bled non stop all 3 months which started this whole journey to diagnosis), iud (iud was the worst i had to go to the er bc the gyn refused to give me pain meds and i was screaming in pain a few hours later unBle to move or think - i really cannot stress enough how painful and long insertion is like it was the longest 5-10 minutes of my life crying while it felt like a knife going through me) I really dont want that ultrasound tho ffs i had to get the first one done while i was in full force cramps during my depoprovera shot and the pelvic ultrasound rod is humongous and they dig it around inside you (i already had a painful and hard time trying to have pleasurable penetration even by myself or with partners) and it takes like 40 minutes of jumbling around your insides for them to document every thing like at least at that time i was only like 2 months from my last time jerking off but now its been almost 6 months of me not even thinking about putting more than one finger in to clean myself in the shower like to go right into an huge ultrasound is going to be so painful and anxiety inducing and i cant do it id rather go straight into surgery My biggest phobias have to do with pain around this part of my anatomy i cannot stress enough how long ive wanted a hysterectomy just so i dont have to fear accidentally getting p r e g... like i would literally kms... i would probably be able to handle the pain of cutting off my arm with a rusty knife better than extreme cramping pain like i had with the iud or ultrasound its such a phobia and now its source of trauma for me from everything ive gone through the last 6 months Having to readjust my life goals from doing p o r n as a hobby and wanting to transition and be who i am, to becoming a vegetable and trying to cope with the fact that i cant ever transition how i hoped Everything just really sucks for me right now and i have literally no social life any more, not even online bc im so stressed about my health and my attention is so bad i cant focus on a convo online, my laptop is about at its grave so all i have is a phone and xbox with bare minimum internet speed.. i live in the middle of nowhere and cant get my license bc the person who was guiding me to drive is an essential worker in a hospital so i cant go in their car any more... im just so fucking alone i cant do anything except break my back gardening and then cry about it later bc my fucking meds dont fucking work!!!!!!!!! Oh thats another thing im also dealing with fucking gerd on top of all this and i cant get the proceedure i need done to confirm if i need surgery or not bc the fucking lockdown!!!! So im stuck taking pantoprazole (been trying similar meds since march 2019 and its currently june 2020!!!!!!) I just want to eat tomatoes and chocolate again it fucking kills me if i dont take pantoprazole i will lose my voice and have such a sore throat and ears from the stomach acid and i know im gonna have to stop it for 2 weeks for one of the tests i need done and its going to be literal hell like it feels worse than strep throat ill probably do the thing where i start choking and coughing at night bc it gets so bad Im a fucking mess like why couldnt all of this happen one at a time I really want to get my belly pierced again bc i feel so naked without it but i cant bc i probably will be having 2 surgeries once covid blows over (if it ever does) Sorry for taking up so much dash space im just really hurting and need some outlet bc therapy isnt helping rn

#personal / #vent #long post #endometriosis #mental illness #menstruation #tmi #i need to stop crying but i cant lmaO #fuck endometriosis #literally a life ruiner #like i was already having a hard time before it but now i have zero hope for the future

[kweebtrash]

11, 12, 23, and 100

11. How many pairs of shoes do you own?

Oof...uh...im not even like a shoe obsessed person but somehow i feel like i have a lot of shoes. Im gonna say that 85% are black boots tbh. I have a pair of pastel purple boots that i love and some heeled white boots that i normally use for lolita. Then i have a collection of wedged jelly sandals in rainbow, silver glitter, white, black, and light blue (i may be missing a color) and those are my fave too. Maybe 30 if i was gonna guess?😅

12. What was your last dream about?

Okay so i dont remember my like last dream from tonight but a dream i do remember that happened like a day or two ago was (and this is very long so bare with me. Yes, i usually dream about johnny, yes my dreams are super detailed because my writer mind kinda goes with it. Yes, my dreams can last like an hour or two. This also happens with dreams that give me anxiety which is fun🙃🙃)

N E WAY:

(I feel cringey saying 'i' but it was me...albeit a hotter version but whatever). I was a business person that was starting my own brand of lingerie (like one of those that was kinda geared towards more plus sizes but still wanted to be inclusive-whatever lol) and Johnny was my best friend who was a photographer (shocking i know). I was needing his help because i needed more professional model pictures to show the lingerie i had produced but because my business was still starting i was basically the model. Johnny had gone out of his way to book a stay at this bed and breakfast that he found because he was trying to find the perfect backdrop for the pictures and this bed and breakfast was gorgeous. The room he booked was a two story room with this giant bed and a whirlpool jet tub and a balcony that overlooked this really pretty garden below. Anyway it was amazing and we got there and actually did normal stuff like take pictures and get close up shots yadda yadda but we had also gotten some cheap wine from the supermarket (we stopped to get snacks before we got to the bnb). So in between shots we were drinking and drank a little tooooo much and got all giggly and stuff. (There might have been some transitional thing here but i dont remember)

Anyway, i get excited because i had wanted to try the tub because id never been in a whirlpool one before but i was like "wow this is weird that its outside the bathroom and a few feet from the bed. Is it gonna be weird if im in the tub while youre here because i really wanna try it. I even got bath bombs." And johnnys like "well i wanna try it too!!" And we're both tipsy/sorta drunk at this point and giggling about that fact that were gonna be naked together or whatever but who cares because its a cool af tub, we just wont tell the others that we took a bath together, its cool, whatevs. So i had the bright idea of dumping all the bathbombs i had gotten (like two or three) in which was a bad idea because they had like softening body oil and glitter in them so it made the tub extra slippery. We both get in and spend forever trying not to slip and slide to death in this tub and of course i end up slipping close to him, like in between his legs and were pressed together (alright heres the smut part -condensed version)

-we start making out hardcore and groping the hell out of one another

-we establish that maybe its okay to just have one hook up, again we just wont tell the guys bc theyd just tease us bc they were always saying how we acted like we were married and should just be a couple already

-he pushes me (cringe) against the tub wall and starts fingering me and i start jerking him off.

-ofc he starts kissing and biting my neck and putting all of his weight on me/gripping the side of the tub to get leverage to make his thrusts faster (and this is still just for the fingering)

-eventually he turns me around and starts fucking me from behind. Im bent over the edge of the tub but i had one hand in the water and accidentally pull the drain plug so the water starts to go down

-we laugh about it (again still kinda tipsy) and johnnys ofc like lets go to the bed.

- he picks me up and throws me down on it and i think it was missionary first but he def started choking me which was great because he did not hold back on that grip👌🏽

-then i think we went into doggy again?(this is kinda the part where the dream was ending and i dont remember too much) and he was pressing down hard on the back of my neck and spanking me. And unfortunately i dont remember anything after that😫

23. Have you ever met any celebrities?

Yeah!

-bullet for my valentine

-clown/corey/craig from slipknot

-pentagon! (Well hi touch)

-ateez (hi touch)

-monsta x (hi touch)

-amber rose

- a TON of drag queens from rupauls drag race (bianca, bob, thorgy, jujubee, the list goes on. I went to drag con i think 2016? Something like that)

-i met the voice actor for yusuke urameshi (yu yu hakusho) Justin Cook and he was the SWEETEST guy ever and i have a good story about him. Also YYH is one of my fave animes so i def cried

-Amy Doan, the creator of Sugarpill makeup (i love her okay)

-the guitarist of Heidevolk and i think the bassist? I cant remember

-Laverne Cox

I think that might be it?

100. Color of your room?

Pfft white because i rent an apartment 😅

Thank you for asking (and always reblogging my stories😅🥰) i love you!