#‘dude i don’t have anything in crypto’
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CALL ME WHAT YOU WANT 𓆩♡𓆪
(Book #1 of the Hellfire Gentlemen's Club series)
(strip club owner!eddie x fem!exotic dancer!hargrove!x reader)
𝐌𝐎𝐃𝐄𝐑𝐍 𝐀𝐔 18+ MDNI
Chapter 005: All That and A Can of Worms
Chrissy offers you some insight about Eddie over brunch. You ask Steve how he’d feel about a threesome. Eddie asks if you want to go on another smoke break in his van.
* = somewhat smut
** = smut
↳ chapters: 001, 002*, 003** , 004**, 005 , 006 , 007* , 008**, 009, 010, 011, 012* , 013**, 014**, 015, 016**, 017, 018, 019, 020*
word count: 4.6k
warnings — mutual pining, angst, tension, casual hookups, profanities, NURSE…billy’s out again, talks of abuse, manipulation
“You’re good at impersonating someone who cares. You had me for a minute there.”
♡
Being annoyed and sexually frustrated at Benny’s Diner at 9 AM is not how you want to start your day. But anything for your new — and very hungover — friend, Chrissy.
You would think Miss Cherry still had the munchies from last night just by how she’s inhaling her breakfast potatoes. You sit there and drink your piping hot tea, all while Chrissy spills hers.
“I don’t know,” Chrissy shrugs. “I just think Crypto currency is shady as hell, and the fact that Jason is doing it full time is a red flag.”
“And you’ve been seeing him for how long?”
“Like two weeks,” she answers. “I was gonna invite him to the thing but I don’t think Eddie would’ve liked him.”
“Yeah,” you agree. “I feel like BYOB is more on the…intimate side anyways. Eddie’s close circle.”
Chrissy nods in agreement as she continues to chow down, paying no mind to the adorable ketchup stain she acquired at the corner of her chin.
You can hardly contain it anymore.
“What can you tell me about Eddie?”
Chrissy’s munching ceases. She’s slowly chewing now, attempting to read you.
“Depends…” she squirms. “What do you wanna know?”
“What’s he like?” you wonder. “Did he ever have a girlfriend? Is he someone who’s emotionally available?”
Chrissy thinks for a moment.
“The last serious partnership he ever had was with Isabelle,” she cringes. “But we won’t go into that.”
Isabelle. Okay, you’ve got something.
“Is she the lady friend?”
“No, Lady Friend was just some random chick,” Chrissy shakes her head. “Isabelle was like… serious serious.”
Suspicious now, Chrissy automatically is inclined to ask,
“And you’re asking me this because…?”
Chrissy has been nothing but welcoming ever since you started at Hellfire. The friendship you two have built you feel is something very strong. You trust her enough to know about last night’s scandal with your boss.
“Some things happened last night.”
Chrissy’s eyes widen. “Omg. Like what?”
“Well…” you exhale. “When you went home with Argyle, Eddie gave me a ride home.”
“Go on…”
“We got pretty stoned and then things got heated. Right before we were about to do anything he flat out dipped on me! Blamed it on not wanting to fuck under the influence. I get it, but… something is telling me there’s more to it.”
Just as you expect, Chrissy’s eyes widen in shock. Laughing at the wild news she just received, she requests a quick backtrack. Acceptable reaction.
“Hold on,” she stops you. “We skipped a few chapters. I…thought you were banging his roommate Steve.”
“I am.”
“AND YOU ALSO WANNA GET WITH EDDIE?”
The entire restaurant, it seems, goes quiet. You could hear a spoon clink against some plates from the other side of the establishment.
You try to shush Chrissy. “Dude…”
“Sorry,” Chrissy covers her mouth. She lowers her voice to an aggressive whisper. “Damn, girl! You’re a little hoe.”
You can tell she’s joking.
“Can you blame me though?” you chuckle.
“No,” she shakes her head and giggles. “I really can’t.”
You nod in agreement with her as she mouths “Sooo hot” regarding both Eddie and Steve. Then Chrissy grows serious again.
“Now that we’re here…can I tell you something?”
“Sure,” you shrug. “Anything.”
“As someone who’s…hooked up… with Eddie before…” she begins. “I do think that his behavior towards you is a liiittle strange. He’s typically not hot and cold. He’s usually very forward.”
The plot thickens. It would make sense that those two were a thing, given the sexual tension they had last night when Eddie gave Chrissy the edible.
“Wait you and Eddie hooked up?”
“Yeah…” Chrissy confirms. “He used to smoke me out a lot when I first started at Hellfire. One thing led to another and we ended up sleeping together a few times.”
You start to feel like an idiot.
“Chrissy…I’m so sorry,” you start.
But your friend flails her hands around insistently.
“Don’t be sorry! Oh my gosh. It naturally died down anyways!” she exclaims. “'Think it had to do with the excitement of a new face. Eddie eventually got too busy and I started seeing other guys.”
“Oh,” you dial down. “I still feel like I’m breaking girl code in a way.”
“Don’t be sorry girl!” Chrissy repeats. “When it comes to me, you’re not! I actually think everyone needs to experience that man at least once.”
That man, being Eddie.
You jaw pops open.
“What?”
“I’m serious girl,” Chrissy sighs. “He’s just that good.”
“You’re lying.”
“Eyes rolled back,” Chrissy gushes. “Everything. OOH! Girl, he is just so respectful but rough and it’s, ugh…”
You can’t believe what you’re hearing.
“It’s sex from another dimension.”
You and Chrissy squeal in excitement as she gives the details, reenacting most of the ordeal on her poor breakfast potatoes. It's revealed to you that Eddie loves catering to the female body, loves taking charge, and lives for a woman’s reaction. That alone is good enough to make him cum. It all makes you think about the dream you had and if it would be anything close to that.
“Well anyways,” Chrissy concludes. “Eddie’s one of the most chivalrous guys I know. Fucking a girl while she’s not sober is just not how he rolls. He probably freaked out.”
“I understand that,” you tap the table in thought. “But something was still off though. I barely had time to process it. Before you know it, he was dumping me at my house as if nothing happened.”
You fill Chrissy in on more of the details, chugging your tea like it’s a bottle of hot vodka. Being hot and bothered with nothing but a wet dream to get you by until you see one of them again is not a good combination.
“I would talk about this with Eddie and Steve,” Chrissy politely suggests. “And soon. I can feel the…frustration…radiating off your very strong grip…”
You nearly slam your teacup on the wooden table. Chrissy flinches.
“You’re telling me you two haven’t fucked when you were both high before? I mean like come on, that’s what gets people in the mood most times.”
“You may be onto something,” Chrissy squints in thought. “We were high almost every single time. So why now the sudden change?”
“Exactly.”
You say to Chrissy verbatim everything Eddie said to and about you last night. How he was fucking his fist yesterday to your moans. How he was telling you how much he wanted to fuck your brains out while being inches away from your face. How he had the opportunity to have you but chose to run from it the moment you showed interest. Nothing about it made sense.
"Leaving me high and dry after all that?" you reiterate. "I'm almost certain that never happened with you."
“But I also wasn’t hooking up with Steve at the same time,” Chrissy points out. “Maybe this deal might be breaking guy code in a way.”
Or the Munson Doctrine.
The phone rings, ushering your convo with Chrissy to a standstill. Your heart has been trained into thinking it’s Billy, especially since the eerie phone calls and messages have started up again. You’re overpowered by nausea and suddenly want the check.
The name that pops up on your phone causes you to breathe a sigh of relief.
MAX MAYFIELD 💌
“It’s my sister,” you announce. “Let’s keep it PG.” You tap the green phone button to accept the call. “Hey!”
“Hey, I was wondering if you can spot me $100 a month,” Max requests. “At least until I find a job.”
“Good morning to you too,” you mutter.
“Pleeeaaase!” Max begs. “It’s for the Y.”
“A membership at the Y is $100 a month?!”
“Yeah Hawkins is a fucking shoebox, I’ve learned,” Max mutters. “The city needs a lot of funding to keep things open. So will you do it?”
“Only because I love you,” you sigh. “But you better be looking for a job.”
“Scouts honor,” Max promises. “Thank you, sis. I love you.”
“I love you too.”
“Has Billy been reaching out?”
You swallow hard.
“Yeah," you choke. "Has he been texting you?”
“Mhm.”
Billy called again this morning. And again and again. Surprisingly, there was only one voicemail. But it was the same spiel.
"Hey, it's me," Billy greeted you in his voicemail. "Answer the fucking phone, please! I miss you and Max. You guys are lucky I'm giving you another chance."
His words just boil your blood. If anything, it should be him earning another chance from you and Max. Not the other way around.
"I'm worried about you guys. Y'all have never left the house for this long. So if this is your way of proving a point, all this manipulation projection, you guys won. Just please come back home okay? We can talk it out and ground ourselves to the situation at hand. Together. As siblings. No one loves you as much as I do, and no one will ever love you like I do. We’ll figure it out. Like we always do. K. Later.”
Billy never knows what he’s talking about. It’s obvious he takes every word he hears in therapy and makes alphabet soup out of it. Otherwise, he’d be practicing what he preaches.
The lack of control your brother has over you and Maxine is making him spiral. Without an ample supply, Billy is sure to explode any day now.
“Whatever you do,” you caution her. “Don’t fucking reply.”
“I know, I know,” Max says. “I know how this shit goes.”
“I love you,” you say again.
“Love you more.”
You hang up and instantly begin massaging your temples. Chrissy watches in horror.
“Man do you need dick or what…” she shakes her head. “Hearing all that stressed me out!”
“Tell me about it,” you sigh. “I need two if I’m being honest.”
A few more nibbles of your food, and then you and Chrissy go your separate ways, paying for both of your meals in all ones. You two do it for the cashier’s reaction. It’s always pretty funny.
“Anyway, thanks for this girly,” you give Chrissy a hug.
“Any time!” Chrissy beams. “I’ll see you tonight. We need to do this again soon.”
“Yeah, I just gotta find the time,” you mumble. “I still gotta meet Eddie for his usual stripper-orientation-lunch-thing that he does. Might as well buy a planner with all these commitments popping up.”
As she slows down her walking speed, Chrissy looks over at you with a puzzled look on her face.
“Wait… what ‘usual’ lunch?”
———- ☕️———-
Eddie’s van is nowhere in sight when you pull into Steve and Eddie’s neighborhood. You make your way over to the townhouse quickly, trying to catch The King before you have to clock in.
It’s one push of the doorbell and a wave into the Ring camera before Steve answers.
“Hey you!” he cheers as the door swings open. “Good to see you.”
He showers you with kisses before inviting you in.
“Good to see you too,” you kiss him right back. “Thanks for agreeing to meet me before the gym.”
“Anything for you,” Steve responds. “Dustin usually runs late anyway.”
You make yourself at home by setting your purse on the now tidy kitchen island. Steve offers you some water and you accept. He puts a lemon wedge in it to make it look fancy.
“I got you something,” Steve proclaims.
Before you could react, he’s already running to his room to get you your surprise. Your heart begins to skip a beat.
“Stop,” you gush as Steve disappears into his room. “You didn’t have to.”
“But I wanted to,” Steve insists as he races back out. For someone who was insanely drunk the night before, Steve is so full of energy. “Especially since I made myself look like a fool last night.”
In his hands, Steve unveils something the size of his palm.
It’s a fridge magnet of a Hawaiian hula girl, with a grass skirt, coconut bra, and a beautiful plumeria lei. She’s got sunglasses on, hilariously one that matches Steve’s. The magnet says your name on it in purple.
“Oh my gosh!” you cheer, with slight confusion. “A hula girl magnet.”
“Yeah!” Steve cheers. “I saw it at CVS and had to get it for you.”
You watch in amusement as Steve attempts his own version of a hula dance. He sings a song while he does so, but it sounds like a language he made up and not actual Hawaiian. You can’t help but giggle.
“It’s the closest thing to sunny San Diego that we have here.”
Your heart swells when you realize the meaning behind the gesture. Such a thoughtful thing for Steve to do. It all makes you miss home a bit more. You never did get to properly grieve saying goodbye to the town that raised you. The grip you have on your little gift tightens so much that the hula girl is now starting to hurt you.
“I know how much you probably miss home,” Steve explains. “Hopefully soon you can go back and visit.”
“Thank you,” you sniff. “That is so sweet of you.”
You two kiss again.
Then it goes beyond an endearing peck. It’s three more intense lip locks back to back before Steve slowly starts to insert his tongue. You roll yours along with his, both of your tongues wrestling for dominance. He bites your lower lip, hands moving from your waist to the small of your back. As you surrender your hands against his chest, Steve sneaks a quick grab to one of your ass cheeks. You moan in his mouth.
“So I was thinking…” you smirk, poking Steve at his sides. “That we can spice things up in the bedroom.”
“Ooh,” Steve bites his lip as he draws you closer. “I like where this is going. What were you thinking?”
“I was thinking…” you answer. “That I’ll take you up on that voyeur thing. Give Eddie a little show?”
Steve seems puzzled.
“Huh?”
It’s far too late to take anything back now. The worst Steve can say is no.
“Remember yesterday you said that you’re a voyeur. And that we might as well let Eddie watch?” you elaborate. “Maybe we can also do a little more too. You, me, and him?”
“Oh…” Steve’s demeanor softens. He runs his hands through his freshly done hair, then sits down on the bar stool closest to him.
Steve looks at you for a moment, expression unreadable as he shoves his hands into his pocket.
“Hargrove I…” Steve says. “I was kidding.”
You begin to feel yourself flush. “Oh.”
Your friend with benefits taps his feet in thought, making sure to craft his response perfectly out of respect for everyone.
“This is something you really wanted to do?”
“Of course, but if you don’t want to that’s totally okay too!”
You made sure you were clear on that. Steve thinks for a minute again. Then his eyes travels over to the bar stool next to him, where Eddie’s leather jacket is lazily perched atop of. He sighs.
“Who, uh, who was your ride last night?” Steve inquires. “Since you know, I was the one who drove us.”
You gulp. “Eddie was.”
“Oh,” Steve repeats.
He kicks the floor gently with his feet. You, since you’ve been watching his every move, subconsciously follow.
“I’m really sorry if I got your hopes up,” Steve apologizes. “I should’ve never worded the Eddie thing the way I did yesterday. If I’m honest with you, a threesome isn’t something I would be okay with.”
“Really?”
“Yeah,” Steve hangs his head. “I don’t know if you remember, but a third party is what destroyed my last relationship… so that topic is still pretty sensitive to me.”
You take that back. That’s the worst thing Steve could say.
The space closes up around you and shame starts to fire at you from all corners of the room. You feel like such an idiot for not realizing something so inherently obvious.
“Steve…” you don’t even know where to begin. “I am so sorry.”
“It’s okay, Hargrove. You didn’t know,” Steve shrugs it off. “It’s not like we’re exclusive either.”
Steve’s phone vibrates, and judging by how fast he gets up, you assume it’s because Dustin is getting closer. You start to reach for your purse, recognizing that your stay is about to be over.
“I feel really bad for taking this now,” you hold the hula girl magnet up to Steve.
But nonetheless, Steve smiles. “Keep it, darling. She suits you.”
Steve still insists on walking you to you car, carrying your purse for you over his shoulder while you fiddle awkwardly with the hula girl. He gives your rosy cheeks one last tender kiss before opening the door to the driver’s side so you can get in.
“Have a good shift,” Steve smiles faintly. “Tell Eddie I got him the Scooby snacks he wanted.”
You try to laugh at the most Eddie thing you’ve ever heard, but it’s not there. So instead you nod. “Of course. Have a good workout, Stevie.”
“Oh, I will.”
———— 𓆩♡𓆪 ———-
When talking with the Hellfire girls, it’s decided that you’re on tip rail tonight. Distracted by the new problem at hand, you naturally end up forgetting a few last minute things. Lucky for you, House Mom had travel sized makeup for you to use and a wide selection of small snacks to choose from.
You’re eating by Nancy’s little concession set up when your boss strides in. Eddie scoots by you, his lack of spacial awareness causing him to bump you aggressively against the hip. With the height difference and how much more bigger he is than you, the small brush shoves you forward.
“Rude,” you call out to him, though you’re only half joking.
“Sorry,” he tuts. “Behind.”
“You better be sorry,” you snap back. “With your mean ass.”
Eddie waltzes back over and asserts himself behind you, resting his rough hands at your sides. Your breathing hitches as he bends down, his curly locks tickling your cheekbones ever so teasingly.
“Would you say I’m being disrespectful?”
You turn to face him and nudge him with your hip. He chuckles slyly.
“Very,” you respond. “Very disrespectful.”
“Disrespectful. Sober,” Eddie rests his chin along your collarbone. “Looks like we both kept our promises.”
You two sway side to side in silence, enjoying the moment. Work is definitely not going to be this slow so you take it all in while you can.
“How’s your day going?” Eddie mumbles against your skin.
“Alright so far,” you respond. “Chrissy and I went to Benny’s for breakfast. And my sister wants a YMCA membership now so I’m either gonna have to pick up more shifts or reallocate some finances…”
“I vouch for the first option,” Eddie smirks.
“Oh yeah? Of course you do.”
“Mhm…” he nods. “Got some things I need you to do for me in the private show room.”
Goosebumps start to rise. You can’t have him here now. Not when you’re about to go on stage pretty soon. Eddie removes his hands from your hips and changes his embrace to a bear hug instead. The swaying continues.
“Billy also called this morning.”
The swaying stops.
“Fuck,” Eddie mutters as you spin around to face him. “You didn’t answer that piece of shit did you?”
“‘Course not,” you cross your arms. “There’s nothing to say or do at this point. He made his bed. My sister and I moved on.”
“Good girl,” he coos. “Your new life is here with us anyways.”
You blush as you suck on your lollipop, eyes meeting Eddie’s once again. Eddie’s dark pupils dilate once more, his tongue venturing out as he licks his lips hungrily.
“Grab your things,” Eddie orders. “Let’s go for a quick smoke.”
You’re back in his van again, smoking the same bong and rolling with the same paper as you did last night. Hopefully this is the redo you’ve been anticipating. Before Eddie lights up the bowl, he glances down at your tote bag.
“Scrubs 4 Less?” he chuckles.
“Oh yeah…” you say. “I may have told my little sister I work nights at the nursing home.”
“You are vile,” Eddie laughs. “Creative, but diabolical and oh so very vile.”
“I prefer the term protective,” you utter as-a-matter-of-factly.
“Mmm, very…” Eddie quips. “Got any spare restraints then, nurse? You got a madman on the loose.”
You bite your lip in absolute lust. “I suppose I can spare a few.”
You kick your stilettos off and rest your feet on Eddie’s lap again. He automatically compensates, staring at you in complete bliss as he exhales.
“Steve bought you your Scooby gummies by the way.”
“Fuck yeah,” he smiles. “Husband of the year.”
Eddie resumes grazing your legs again, rubbing your calves and moving upwards to your thighs. He bombards you with words of endearment, saying he needs to watch the junk food he eats because he’s trying to look good for you. Flustered you slowly sit up, further closing the space between you two and leaning into Eddie’s touch.
Oh yeah, right where you left off.
“I still can’t get over how hot you looked last night,” he says. “Doing your little thing at the VIP table. Downing that tequila. Chewing those gummies while holding your own. You’re something else.”
You blush.
“You were looking pretty hot yourself,” you compliment him and he blushes back. “And when you got all angry at that customer. I was getting all flustered.”
“Mm, you like when I’m aggressive huh?”
“Oh yeah,” you bite your lip. “Love my men rough around the edges.”
So you decide to make the move. Eddie inhales sharply as you scoot yourself closer, leaning in to kiss his soft lips just as you intended to last night. To your shock, you’re taken aback when Eddie pushes you away.
“Whoa!” he exclaims. “Easy there, tiger.”
“What?” is all your mouth can formulate. “Oh no, do I have food in my teeth?”
Eddie chuckles. “No? I just can’t kiss you, silly.”
Bewilderment overrides your horniness now. Removing yourself from Eddie completely, you’re back in your own seat, crossing your legs away from your boss who is still casually lighting up.
“Eddie, what’s going on? I thought we were feeling each other.”
He sets his lighter down and glances over at you.
“Scuse me?”
“Last night…” you remind him. “We were close just like this…you said you wanted to fuck my brains out… told me you were jacking off to my screams in the bathroom.”
“We were fucked up, Hargrove,” Eddie explains. “Okay? It was a mistake.”
“Drunk words are sober thoughts or whatever the fuck right?”
Eddie falls silent. There is no way in the world that this is happening right now. You think about brunch. You think about Chrissy. You think about what Eddie did just fifteen minutes ago that led up to this very moment. But Eddie’s the puzzled one?
“I like you Shy Girl,” Eddie begins. “I really do. But this? Can’t be a thing.”
“Why not?” you find yourself asking. Like a desperate little girl.
“Getting involved with an employee would just open up another can of worms,” Eddie sighs. “I can’t play like that. I won’t play like that.”
That’s his excuse? You find yourself getting even more frustrated. Eddie should have had the same mindset when he was hooking up with Chrissy. What made this situation any different?
But surely, you don’t bring Chrissy up. You didn’t want Eddie to know you knew.
“Eddie,” you try to control your voice. “I thought that after all this… the feeling was mutual.”
Eddie exhales. “Sweetheart… All the pet names and the flirting and the giving rides home…Whatever you picked up on, I do that with everybody.”
He can’t say he didn’t warn you. That was the first phrase of Eddie’s to stick with you entirely. It all felt so personal though. Like everything was geared specifically to you.
“Really?” you demand. “You do it with everybody? The last time I checked, Chrissy had no idea what that orientation lunch that you do with everybody is about.”
“It’s a…newer thing.”
“Or it’s a ploy to get to know me better,” you hiss. “And then what would you have done if you got what you wanted?”
Rage fills you now. Clouded with the anger, you scoop down to grab your bag and push the door of Eddie’s van open. Eddie’s shocked at your sudden behavior change.
“Whatever,” you huff as you climb out. “It’s all good. I gotta get ready for the show.”
“Hargro-” Eddie starts. “Hargrove!”
“And put some more water in that thing, would you?” you California self orders him. “Your lungs will thank me later.”
The little time left before the show permits you to go to the bathroom and cry. Your familiar friend, Loss, is paying you a visit again.
You fucked up. You had someone so good to you, someone so patient and gentle and caring, and you threw that away for your manipulative walking red flag of a boss. Surely, Steve might still want to casually sleep with you, but the energy has shifted now. You’ve lost him, you fear.
But no matter how much you wanted to convince yourself, Steve couldn’t give you everything you wanted. He was still missing something, which is why you stayed falling for Eddie. Or the idea of Eddie, rather. Everything you made him up to be has now been rendered completely false.
So now even Eddie can’t meet you where you’re at.
Emptiness comes by to accompany your friend Loss. Pressing your lips to your arm, you let out a muffled wail.
Fuck. How could you be so damn stupid?
Billy’s words crawl along your back and into your ears. You’re afraid your brother is right again; and for someone as irrational as he is, you can’t help but wonder how that could be true.
“No one loves you as much as I do, and no one will ever love you like I do. We’ll figure it out. Like we always do.”
Come home.
All while abusive, Billy’s love was always unconditional. No matter how far both of you took it, the key was always under the mat. And no matter how many times Max had to separate the two of you, shouting for you two to stop trying to strangle each other, you two always found your way back into each other’s arms.
You two came out of the womb hugging. You escaped your cribs to sleep beside each other. You comforted each other after every beating. You fed Billy to make sure he ate after Mom’s funeral while he did your laundry and laid out your clothes for a week straight. When one of you was in danger, the other just simply knew.
Billy is Love in its truest form. Your greatest comfort. All you’ve ever known. And that alone scared the hell out of you.
It all makes you crumble further. Is your brother’s love as good as it’s ever going to get?
———————
author’s note: our boy eddie is RAN THROUGH!!!!! also i love how ST fanfic writers have all collectively agreed to drag steve to HELL AND BACK for the plot 🫣😩 poor boy never gets a break, not in the original universe, not in this universe, not in any of ‘em
—————
tag list: @changemunson , @the-fairy-anon , @ali-r3n , @corrodedcoffincumslut , @bebe07011 , @mmunson86 , @eddiesguitarskills , @chelebelletx , @imonhereforareasonsadly , @eddies-trailer-babe , @hideoutside , @motherfckerrr , @jxpsi i , @munson-magic , @lindseyj23 , @sidthedollface2 , @manda-panda-monium , @elvendria , @micheledawn1975 , @holabeans00 , @hereforshmut , @siriuslysmoking
#Spotify#eddie munson#eddie munson fanfiction#eddie x reader#eddie munson x reader#steve harrington fanfic#steve harrington x reader#steve x reader#steve and eddie#eddie and steve#steddie x reader#steddie#stranger things#stranger things fanfiction#stranger things fanfic#hellfire#hellfire club#Joseph quinn#Joe quinn#Joe Keery#Joseph David Keery#chrissy cunningham#Billy Hargrove#Grace Van Dien#dacre montgomery#max mayfield#Maxine mayfield#Sadie sink
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hello im on anon bc im new to radblr and im a crypto but just wanted to say thank you for standing up for bisexuals on this blog. idk why but for some reason i expected radblr to have better opinions on bi women than the whole ‘sexually promiscuous bihet’ and ‘traitor for being osa’ and ‘more privileged than homosexuals’ bullshit that everybody else spews. the alphabet cult is actively erasing us in favor of ‘trans inclusive labels’, radblr is invalidating us by blatantly ignoring so many bi women’s experience with sexuality. the biphobia here is almost worse than any offhanded comment ive heard from a straight person. i also don’t think many understand that some women know they’re bi and are confident in that, but others may use bi during a time when theyre unsure if they’re actually attracted to men. ive gone a few of my teenage years acknowledging to myself that im bi, but now in my 20s im questioning if i ever truly felt attracted to men. the things i feel sexually in my most recent relationship with a woman are things ive never felt or even imagined were possible when ‘crushing’ on a guy. i acknowledge that *some* men are aesthetically pleasing for me to look at, but i’m also penis repulsed and always have been. theres nothing sexy to me about penis. truly. it makes me ill thinking about it. and that is confusing for me, bc seeing so many lesbians on here say how sure theyve been about liking women makes me think they did not grow up in an area like i did where homosexuality was truly thought of as demonic, even by the most ‘liberal’ people. i had no idea ssa was normal until i was probably 12 or 13 years old, and before then i just. repressed those feelings. i still did until i was about 17 and fully admitted to myself that ‘hey, i like girls’.
also i didn’t even know what the ‘comphet masterdoc’ was until exploring radblr, but i had heard comphet before and felt that it was very accurate in describing how i feel about men. idk anything abt what’s on the doc. regardless of my ‘true’ sexuality, it feels like theres a very hostile attitude towards bisexuality here, or even someone saying ‘ive tried to have a crush on guys before but only feel sexually/romantically attracted to women’ is met with ‘if youve even THOUGHT about having sex with a man then youre not a lesbian.’ no room for nuance.
sorry for the rant in your inbox, i hope this is okay. but yeah. thank you for being open about bisexuals here and standing up for them.
Thank you! I realized a while ago that radblr had a lot of issues that need to be challenged but I’ve also come to appreciate why these issues occur.
At the end of the day, almost nowhere allows women to speak this freely. Lesbians have had even their online communities absolutely destroyed by the TQ. So more than a few lesbian women on here really don’t want to talk to or about non lesbian women. And I think they’d be happier if they created a separate space for themselves on here where they didn’t feel pressured to, which I think is where a ton of this negativity comes from.
Bisexual women also need to stop offering themselves up as social sacrifices. I see a lot of the anti bi stuff come from bi women themselves sadly. A lot of women on radblr never unlearned that deeply unhelpful ID pol hierarchy from their TRA days.
As for your own personal journey, don’t let other people’s pain, no matter how legitimate, compound your own pain. The way I navigated my sexuality was I called myself a lesbian in my head because men did repulsed me. But it felt like a lie. I’d see a handsome dude jogging and feel a pang of attraction. Men still crept into my fantasies. I have zero desire to sleep with or date men. But that’s got nothing to do with my attraction to them. It’s a conscious personal choice I’ve made for my own happiness and safety.
So call yourself a lesbian just inside your head. Do it everyday. Look in the mirror and say “I am a lesbian” and if after a few months that feels like a lie then you’re bisexual and that’s amazing! If it feels like coming home, if everyday it feels more true, then you’re a lesbian and that’s amazing!
Please love yourself no matter what 💛
#radical feminism#radical feminist community#radical feminist safe#radical feminists do interact#radical feminists do touch#radblr#radical feminists please interact
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ok so my post got more than one note so. enstars characters as the types of customers i get at my job as a supermarket checkout person.
(this is only gonna include the characters i can think of something for because there’s too many characters and sadly not enough interesting or stupid people that come into the store i work at. anyway here goes)
(oh, and this is in no particular order. Just whatever comes to mind first. will add to this if i think of anything else)
Niki: buys a suspicious amount of one item. like, instead of taking one thing off the shelf will take the whole fucking box. also, the “I came here for one thing and bought half the store” type of customer.
Mika: comes to the checkout and right when he’s about to pay for his items remembers he forgot one thing on the other end of the entire store. also, probably left his shopping bags in the car and tries to put everything back into the shopping cart. or didn’t bring enough bags at all.
Ibara: this guy who tried to pay for his groceries with crypto once
Jun (and Hiyori?): Either one person shopping for two people, or they’re both shopping together. Couldn’t decide if Hiyori just gives Jun his card and makes him go grocery shopping for him or if he just follows him to the store.
Mayoi: went shopping at a few stores beforehand and shows the checkout person every single item and receipt to prove he’s not stealing anything. Dude, even if you are stealing I don’t give a shit.
Nagisa: will either go through the whole transaction in silence or just talk about random shit. might even tell you his whole life story. or not.
Rei: *looks at checkout person’s name badge* “I have a grandchild named-”
Kaoru: acts way too friendly with the checkout person. Acts like we’ve known each other for ages. like, “is this guy trying to flirt with me or is he just weirdly friendly”. kind of weird.
Shu (this could probably apply to Hiyori too, though): type of customer who brings their own bags to put all their items in, except you’re not entirely sure if the bags in question were intended to be used as shopping bags. Like, fancy-looking fabric. pockets. is this a shopping bag or a handbag big enough to be a shopping bag. did you make this yourself. where do you even get these bags. Also, is weirdly specific about which items go in which bags.
Rinne: Customer who was checking to see if they’d won anything from their lottery tickets while I was scanning their items. they didn’t win anything.
anyway yeah thats all ive got so far. i’ll make another post when I think of anything else
#are these slightly ooc? maybe. ehh whatever#also this is mostly cospro lmao. as expected of lumi#enstars#enstars headcanons? sort of?#ensemble stars
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Dude this kid in my class is obsessed with the new Dahmer series on Netflix and I have like a thing about serial killers where they make me uncomfortable like ANY NORMAL HUMAN. But especially like c*nnibals freak me out like a lot and he will not stop talking about it. I’m trying to distance myself a bit from him because he has another weird thing abt guns and stuff where he is madly obsessed with them but that is hard when he is one of the four people in my class. He’s seriously messed up and I can’t tune him out. This is the crypto dude I’ve talked about btw. I think hates me and I’m fine with that tbh
I don’t get the worst of his stuff the the openly queer kid in my class often gets told they should die by him and it’s disgusting because no one does anything about it. Sorry I just need to vent because my team and I talked about some stuff he has said to them and I’m wired so.
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Submission
Ok A7X has officially lost me as a fan. From them using the tragedy in CO to promote their crypto. (I get their are trying to help, but it seems like the only reason they care or said anything is due to one of the people who was there was a member of the DBC, also its hard to say you stand with the LBGTQ+ community when you still allow Brian’s father who is transphobic and homophobic to associate and contribute to the band, and unfortunately Brian has liked some of of his hateful messages on twitter. So it feels very disingenuous. Why not partner with one of the local organizations raising money? Why do you need to promote your crypto (especially since crypto is currently crashing and burning as we speak). But now M. Shadows in on Twitter defending Ticket master?? Its hard for me to have any respect for him now as he complains about how artists don’t profit from ticket sales due to scalpers yet he’s worth millions, or he thinks its ok for artists to charge $1000+ for concert tickets. Like dude seriously? What happened to the M Shadows who actually cared about the fans, who was for going against the things that hurt the fans. Who was against selling out. Now all he cares about is clout and money. What’s worse are all the fans (and of course they all have NFTs as the pfp acting like he’s has said something so profound and are going after fans for critiquing Matt for defending a giant corporation). I think the only member I actually like at this point is Brooks Wackerman, who seems to be the only one who cares about music and bringing music content to the fans. So sad to see what A7X has become.
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This is exactly why Elon was kicked off rally 5.5
he is really not smart at all. A single baby wogue video on LLM used in the file explorer of gnome has more usable code than his entire ChatGPT project did but bc ppl don’t understand it, they flock to elons side, and regardless, Apple GPT wouldn’t be used to make instructables for ppl to cheat on apps or crypto projects, it would be used for real world interactions instead, like the real gnome project, humanity - Apple GPT is Fuck your trolly billionaire wannabe status LLM set kinda tech bc they have the power to actually implement it system wide instead of just as a single app that can’t interface with anything. This is the problem with normie billionaires, they don’t understand how to make things that are actually useable day to day. Too many of them think they can just get rich selling some crypto and super fast thing, but in the end, the people that take their time to work on their ideas actually end up making better things, and he purposefully took off tweeted from an iPhone or android just to piss off ppl that don’t wanna work at Tesla bc the pay is low and FSD upgrades are BS. Since when has Apple charged for an iOS update.. never. All their OSes are free to use if you can attain the hardware. It is up to users to decide whether they want to brew their own software experience or use something that people that understand bits down to the networking protocol bytes make. I don’t support any of Elon’s companies or projects and neither should anybody. They are all pre-made things others worked on that he bought and imposed restrictions and upgrade services on bc instead of innovating further, for example like creating a bunch of Tesla hotels with solar roofs for ppl to visit or Tesla locations to airbnb at, using his boring tunnels, with his own “teslabnb”, he wouldn’t need to charge for FSD, and if those teslabnbs had starlink Wi-Fi that ppl paid to use, then twitter wouldn’t need 8 dollars a month and Tesla employees wouldn’t have low wages. His ego is literally trolling users. People are not so smart to see it but if they did, they would say Elon is full of shit bc all the examples I just gave took me two seconds to come up with and billionaires practically live at hotels, so he probably already thought of it but would never do that just to keep that carrot on a stick metaphor in our minds and so he can keep pretending he is anti-1984, keeps feeding us that lefty righty political bs but never really implements the solutions above to stop it. It is billionaires that created 1984 and they know a way out, but they are full of shit. I can’t even long post this on Twitter bc he wants 8 dollars to do so, and this dude has been riding on apple’s platform success since twitter launched on iPhone and it should just be deleted off the App Store for not even using usps logic.
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Ok so, what that means is that Texas is not connected to the national power grid. It’s got it’s own power grid owned by this company Ercot. The reason this fucking sucks is because when we have extreme weather and the power grid starts fucking up, we can’t connect to the rest of the country for help. And this summer isn’t even the worst of it. Texas knows what to do about heat, we don’t know what to do about cold. We’re not built for it, and February before last, it got fucking cold. It doesn’t get cold here until January and February (at least in south east Texas, it’s always been like 72 degrees on Christmas Day) and in February we dropped down to temperatures that would be fine for you, but really fucked us up. It snowed, like actually snowed and stayed on the ground for the first time in years, but the power also went out in most of the state. Pipes froze, if you didn’t have a gas stove you were pretty much fucked when it came to cooking, and people couldn’t get to the grocery store. More importantly people couldn’t get to the hospital, and without heat and water, sick people got a lot sicker. My great uncle was sick, he lived in a small town in north Texas and I the cold didn’t do anything for him. He died in the February winter storm, along with some 246 others. So Basically, Texas can’t reach out to the rest of the country for electricity when our lines go down because Ercot is shoving money in our governor’s pockets because he allows them to price gouge when their own power lines fuck up and also Ted Cruz was in Mexico while the people he represented were being nursed into the grave by their brothers and sisters
crypto dudes should just collectively be charged with manslaughter i think. and probably environmental crimes. i mean they can just keep using imaginary money in prison anyway it wouldn't even be that bad for them. just make believe hard enough
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Tbh I don’t really understand your reply. A lot of this stuff is … unpalatable, I get that. But the source material is out there and much of it is first hand. For me, I don’t find anything far-fetched when it comes to drug-addled, power-hungry billionaires. And I don’t really care how unpalatable it is after 40 years. It should have been investigated properly then and it wasn’t. That’s a travesty of justice.
I am making fun of you because you are an idiot. We already know why Chapman shot John, he was a Christian zealot who wanted media attention and clout. Chapman has been interviewed numerous times, if he had been hired by Yoko or anyone else as a hitman then he would have coughed it up by now. He files for parole every year, it would have come out during the proceedings.
I have drug addicts in my family dude so I know what it's like when they're doing nefarious shit. They do not have it together enough to hire hitmen and if Yoko had tried to go through someone else they would have told her to stop being an idiot. They call it dope for a reason, heroin makes you stupid as hell. Yoko would have needed help, how do you keep that conspiracy quiet? Paul McCartney can't walk down the street in 2022 without being papped, people are still hungry for the Beatles, a conspirator would never stay quiet about it when Yoko is dying of dementia and Sean's biggest passion is crypto shitcoins and posting McLennon edits on Instagram. There's still clout and fame to receive for the enterprising conspirator and very little to lose. It's not like there's a threat to be concerned about, OJ published a book about being a murderer and ain't nothing happening to him! So if someone knew something it would have appeared by now Deep Throat style.
Your evidence is circumstantial at best and nonsensical at worst. Conspiracy is incredibly risky and getting away with it is difficult to impossible. Just look at what happened to Nixon for Christ's sake. If Yoko murdered John then it would take help from dozens of people and they all would have had to stay quiet about killing one of the Beatles! That ain't gonna happen dude, that's not how the world works!
Besides, we all know which Beatle is actually dead:
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Ch: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 5.5, 6
Sides: 1, 2, 2.5, 3
Sequel: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 14.5, 15, 16
Alt-Sequel: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17
They had a forty five-minute break in the middle of their four-hour session. It wasn’t a lot, but it was better than nothing and the owner provided them stools on stage for when their legs got tired. The band put their instruments in the back during their break, all except the drum set.
“Is Seung’s fan still out there?” Zach asked.
“He sure is.” Bree grinned.
Tae Joon rolled his eyes. “He’s here for the band, not me,” he said.
“You say that, but that dude only ever had his eyes on you,” Zach laughed.
Robin nodded.
“That’s not true,” he objected. It was, but why? Why did Revenant only ever look at him?
“He totally saved Seung,” Bree said. “Like a knight in shining armor.” She swooned exaggeratedly.
“I did not say that.”
“But he did!”
“Don’t oversell it,” Tae Joon scoffed.
“He’s definitely got the hots for you,” she winked.
Tae Joon huffed. He didn’t know how to feel if it were true. It would be- it would be good he supposed. That Revenant didn’t have to feel the pain he feels when looking at him, when remembering their time together. But he’d be more heartbroken if anything else. The idea that he spent all this time longing for something Revenant didn’t care much for was heartbreaking. Here he was risking his cover to speak with him just because he was too greedy to stay away.
He shook his head. No, he had to figure out why Revenant was here.
“You ready, Seung?” Zach asked. “We only have thirty minutes left.”
“I’m coming.”
Bree and Zach made a beeline for Revenant before he could stop them. Zach held out a hand. “Hey, I’m Zach!”
“I’m Bree! We heard you were a fan!” She grinned.
Revenant tilted his head slightly as he stared down at them.
“I did not say that,” Tae Joon said.
Revenant scoffed. “Well I certainly didn’t.”
Zach hissed. “He’s a harsh one.”
“Don’t you have fries to eat?” Tae Joon snapped harshly.
“Oof, this one’s harsh too,” Bree laughed. “It’s almost like-”
Tae Joon covered her mouth. “I’m going to stop you right there. Go eat. You only have thirty minutes.”
“Boo, you’re no fun.”
Robin grabbed her and nudged her towards the other end of the bar. He turned briefly to give him a thumbs up. Tae Joon huffed and took a seat next to Revenant.
“Sorry about that,” he said. He looked up at Revenant, at those glowing orange eyes. The same orange his own new eye copied if even in a duller fashion. His heart was in his throat, a combination of excitement and frustration. He got to talk to Revenant again. He got to talk to Revenant. But he couldn’t talk to Revenant as Crypto. He had to pretend like they were strangers. Because that was what they were now. Strangers.
“Your name,” Revenant demanded.
“Seung,” he said. “And yours?”
Revenant hesitated for a long time. Maybe too long. “Just call me Red.”
It felt like all the air was sucked out of his lungs. He almost reached out to him. He almost raised his hands to hold him. He almost threw everything out the window. But he forced his arms to stay at his side. He forced himself to breath again.
Red. Revenant’s color. Ppalgan. His Ppalgan.
“Want to get lunch sometime?” he asked. His eyes widened when his brain caught up with his mouth. “With me?” Well, that didn’t really help.
Revenant’s eyes widened, just slightly, just enough that hardly anyone would notice. But he did. He always did. “No,” he said after some time. “I’m seeing someone.”
Tae Joon blinked at him. It certainly came off that way didn’t it. And he certainly meant it that way. “Ah, I didn’t mean it like that,” he said quickly. “I just wanted to thank you for helping me.” Thank the stars he was wearing this mask; he was grinning so damn hard he was sure it was reaching his eyes. He’s never been cockblocked by himself before.
Revenant looked away, maybe embarrassed that he read the situation wrong. Even though he read it right. “I didn’t do it for your thanks,” he said.
“Maybe not, but I would like to thank you,” Tae Joon said. It was probably a good thing Revenant rejected his offer; he certainly didn’t want to risk Revenant recognizing him if he took his mask off to eat. He still didn’t know why Revenant was here.
The Syndicate was here looking for him. He heard from some of his contacts that there has been an influx of hackers’ defenses being prodded. After looking into it, he knew who it was. Mila still had that terrible habit of leaving her signature somewhere in the code; cocky.
If they were both looking for him, if the Syndicate willingly let Revenant come here, were they working together? Was Revenant working for them? It seemed unlikely to him. He wanted it to be unlikely. He didn’t think Revenant had been reset, he still showed affection for Crypto. If the Syndicate truly had Revenant wiped, they wouldn’t let him remember someone that might make him stray. But that meant that if Revenant was working for Them now, he was doing of his own volition. That someone else Tae Joon loved chose to side with Them.
He had to figure out why Revenant was here.
“What’s your story?” Tae Joon asked.
Revenant tilted his head.
“Everyone in this town has a story,” he said, leaning slightly forward, resting his arm on bar. “What’s yours?”
Revenant watched him. “I’m looking for someone.”
“That’s it?”
He glared. “That’s it.”
Tae Joon smiled tiredly to himself. “Are they important to you?”
Revenant was silent for a while, long enough that he thought maybe he wouldn’t respond. He turned away. “The most,” he said quietly.
The Syndicate definitely didn’t reset Revenant. Tae Joon looked down at his lap. He could tell Revenant now. Maybe Revenant would be happy to see him. Maybe they could take down the Syndicate together. Maybe they would run away together. Maybe they could be together. He wanted to be them to be together.
But there was a chance that Revenant would hand him over to the Syndicate just like Mila did. And he wasn’t a man that liked to take chances.
“Would you like some help finding them?” Tae Joon asked. The best way to get Revenant off his tail was to lead him down a different path. “If you don’t want a meal, I can thank you this way.” He hated how easy it was to lie to Revenant, how natural lying came to him.
“How are you supposed to help me?” he questioned, skeptical.
“Well, not me, but I know some people.”
“I don’t trust you.”
Tae Joon scoffed. “No one in this city trusts anyone. But if you want to get something done, people here know how to get it done. For the right price.”
Revenant thought for a moment. “He’s rather elusive.”
“I bet. Think about it this way, even if my help turns out to be nothing, at least I’m not charging you,” he said. “What’s the worst that could happen?”
“Fine,” he relented.
Tae Joon grabbed a napkin and scribbled down his contact information. “Text me so I’ll have your number.” He chuckled when a text from an unknown number simply read ‘Red.’ “So who are you looking for?”
“You know of the Apex Games?”
“You’d be hard pressed to find a person on the frontier who doesn’t.”
“I’m looking for Crypto. The legend that recently retired.”
“That’s who you’re looking for?” he asked as if he was surprised. “Retiring after just one season is pretty rare. Maybe the games didn’t suit him.”
“Doesn’t matter why. He’s on this planet somewhere. When I see him, I’ll ask him myself.”
“Alright, I’ll ask around.”
Revenant stared at him. He was staring so hard he began to wonder if his cover was blown. “What’s your story?”
That he was a world renowned hacker that got in too deep, framed for the murder of his sister, chased into hiding, where he had to become a whole new person, hacked himself into the Apex Games to find justice, fell for a simulacrum, got chased out of the games by his supposedly dead sister, and was now back on his home planet laying low. “Lost my home,” he said. “Not really interesting.”
“Hm, I know what that’s like,” Revenant said quietly. He nudged a drink over to him hardly touched by the looks of it. “You can have this,” he said. “Not to my taste.”
“Thanks,” he said. “But I can’t really drink with the mask on.”
Revenant looked at him like he was stupid. “Then take it off.”
“If I do, it gets kind of hard to breath,” he lied. “I’ll get some water when I get home later. Besides, shouldn’t really drink on the job.” He wondered why Revenant even bothered to order the drink if he couldn’t digest it. “Do you always come here alone?” he asked as if he didn’t already know. “You should bring your friends around next time.”
“I don’t have any friends,” he said bluntly.
Tae Joon snorted, as curt as ever. “I’m not surprised. You’re pretty prickly,” he said. “Good thing I have thick skin.”
“Seung!” Zach called him. “Break’s almost over.”
“Already?” He checked the time on his phone. He didn’t even notice. He got out of his seat. “I’ll talk to you later,” he said to Revenant. He raised his hand slightly as a goodbye and went to join his band.
Tae Joon wished he had a little more time to talk to Revenant, but he had a way to contact him now. His phone was a burner, specially made so that location couldn’t be tracked, and all data was erased every 24 hours. It wasn’t an uncommon sort of phone to have in this city.
Zach waved at Revenant who seemed to ignore the gesture. Tae Joon and Zach walked into the back room where Bree and Robin were waiting.
“So how did it go?” Bree asked hoping out of her seat.
“How’d what go?” Tae Joon asked.
“Talking to your fan,” she teased.
“He’s not my fan,” he insisted again.
“Okay, maybe not but he definitely wants you,” Zach grinned. “He ask you out?”
Tae Joon chuckled. “On the contrary, I asked him and he told me he wasn’t interested.”
“What, really?!” Bree gapped at him. “That’s crazy. I totally thought he was into you.”
He shrugged. “It’s fine. I told you he was just here for the music.”
“Think he’ll stay until the end of our shift?” Zach asked.
“I’m sure he has other things to do.”
He was confident Revenant didn’t know his true identity. He had to find out if Revenant was working with Them- working for Them. The easiest way to do that was to lay down some bait and see what sort of fish came to it. And he had an idea of what sort of bait to provide. Doctoring some footage wouldn’t be hard finding someone to mockup some sort of fake file would be easy. He just hoped the fish he would catch would be the one he wanted; red and snappy.
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dude your arm sucks!
we back!
it’s been about a year since the last post. i’m consistently averaging about 1 post a year. that’s a lot, right?
hope this blog posts finds ya’ll well. not much is different in my life besides everything. ralph has gotten ever cuter, sweeter, and nicer. random anecdote but i actually did some 1v1 sessions w/ a dog trainer, but ended up cancelling the remainder when i started to freak out and realize i loved his personality and didn’t want it to change. moral of the story: abandon therapy and become your absolute worst.
anywayyyyy - i’ve had 2 very arm-core things happen to me in the past few weeks. bad news for me is good news for ya’ll. i get my day ruined and ya’ll get something to read on the toilet in between actively giving yourself adhd by watching misinformation on tiktok for 90 minutes.
*whispering* actually, i kind of like when this crazy shit happens to me bc i get to write about it and feel ~special~ :^D
today, we’re gonna cover the first story. i hope to be consistent enough to write up the other story soon. no promises.
Dude, your arm sucks!
picture this, it’s mere weeks ago - fathers day 2023 - beautiful, scenic sunday weather. handsome clouds with chiseled jaws and just the right amount of buccal fat hang expectantly in a baby blue sky. i’m in a wifebeater with a mullet.
as ya’ll surely know, i grew up without a dad (as did most of my friends shout tf out to ya’ll) and so i obviously don’t do anything special for father’s day. on this particular father’s day, my friend and i were going to go for a nice walk with ralph, but first we decide to stop by the starbucks next to my apartment.
my friend runs in to order the coffees. i stand outside with ralph, leaning against the side of the building.
now i’ve heard a lot of words in my 30 years. i’ve heard them put together in all sorts of combinations to form all types of sentences. smart sentences, dumb sentences, long sentences, short sentences, sentences about crypto even. but i was about to hear a sentence i’d never heard before.
from out of absolute fucking nowhere i hear,
“dude! your arm suuucks!”
lmao
what
i look up from watching some instagram story of someone i’ll never see in person again for the rest of my life even if we both live to be 1,000, to see a tall, skinny dude standing next to me. his mouth half open, half smiling
i’m literally standing in shock, mostly perplexed and processing, my tiny golden dog who has some of the worst dog anxiety on the planet quakes beneath my feet.
“what?” i manage to spit out through a half laugh
“dude yeah man, your arm sucks!”
i stare at him like:
if i recall correctly, he introduced himself as Rick at some point during this interaction, so i’ll refer to dude as Rick (have you ever said the name Rick to yourself like 5x? that can’t be a real name. it’s barely even a sound. rick. rick. rick. rick. rick. yeah get fucking real bud)
rick: “nah man see that’s just how i approach life. we gotta just be upfront with one another and then we can move forward from there. like now we’ve addressed it and so we can move on”
PLEASE NOTE: rick was not as well spoken as i am making him sound. while this is largely accurate, i’m paraphrasing from memory. pls add in 70% more incoherence to whatever i say he said
and i gotta hand it to rick, he was hilarious. it’s awesome pseudo-intellectualism filled with ersatz empathy.
me: O_O
rick: yeah man like look, my leg used to suck
*rick pulls up one of his pant legs, exposing the lower half of his leg*
now i can’t tell ya’ll his leg didn’t suck bc it definitely fucking sucked but it looked normal to me, albeit gross and dirty
me: bro pull your pant leg down lol
rick: *pouting* fine, but im just saying now that we got it out of the way we can be friends on a real level
me: i don’t think friendship is in the cards for us man. bro i need you to keep it moving
i should mention that, while this is a lot of text, this is maybe 20 seconds of real life interaction, and at this point it becomes clear to me that rick is at least semi-homeless and likely not totally together mentally. this colors strongly how i interacted with him going forward, because idk man what am i gonna get into a fist fight with a houseless dude who is likely high or drunk rn?
sensing my withdrawal from the conversation and my waning interest in friendship, rick resorts to an especially strange move.
rick: nah man lemme get a real good look at it and we’ll get through this
rick bends down and puts his face maybe 6 inches from my arm, his bloodshot eyes wide as dinner plates
me: *recoiling* alright man see now im really about to beat the shit out of you if you don’t get the fuck on
rick (as if i just lit a firework during a fancy dinner party): woah fuck ok man, fine. trust me your legs are as big as my waist, i know you could beat my ass. but i might be able to out run you in a straight line spring *chuckles to himself* but obviously you’re a strong guy
at this point, rick starts walking away still kind of talking about how i look strong. he opens the door to starbucks and heads in. he’s their problem now.
mind you, starbucks is packed so it’s taking forever for my friend to get the drinks.
maybe 40 seconds later the door to starbucks flings open
rick is back, baby!
“would a cigarette make it up to ya?”
me: lol brother i don’t smoke
rick: yeah me neither *lights cigarette in his mouth*
we stand there almost shoulder to shoulder like old lovers who’ve run out of things to talk about but just like to enjoy each others company
rick: man you know what show my kids love?
me: what show rick
rick: inspector gadget man, you ever seen it?
me: yeah man that’s pretty old, i’m surprised that’s still on
rick: yeah they love it. you know who you remind me of? Dr. Claw. he’s the villain but he’s a badass. his arm sucks too.
me: rick...
rick: im just saying man like obviously this shit has just made you tougher in life man. you’re jacked man, i hope my kids grow up to be like you
me: rick, brother, its fathers day, shouldn’t you be with your kids
rick, speaking more to god than to me: *softly* it’s fathers day
me: i’m gonna go out on a limb here and guess their mom has custody
at this point it’s felt like rick and i have been on this island together for a fucking eternity. seasons have changed, wars have risen and subsided, babies have been born and gone to college and decided to hit the snooze button on life by then going to grad school.
i’ve literally had relationships shorter than this. not that i don’t enjoy talking to my old buddy rick, but man what i wouldn’t give for him to walk away, or for this starbucks to blow up, or for me to be assassinated. something, anything.
FINALLY, my friend comes outside with the fucking coffees
she walks up to us perplexed
me: alright man i gotta go now
*i start walking away*
rick: *smoking his cigarette that didn’t make it up to me and following us as if we’re all in the world’s worst band headed to practice together* aw yeah see now we were just talking about how his arm sucks and -
now i can’t have this fucking dude come walking with us, and i’d mostly been a good sport to him up to this point with the exception of when he tried to do a gynecological exam on my left arm
me, turning and getting into ricks face: ok i’m seriously gonna smack the fuck out of you if you don’t walk away right now
the 2nd threat seemed to do the trick.
rick muttered some random shit under his breath before finally using his formerly sucky leg to saunter off back towards starbucks.
good night, sweet prince
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I should say that at no point was I really going to fight Rick. He was clearly unwell, but the only way to really get him to leave was to threaten him. During the entirety of the interaction I was more amused and annoyed than mad (save for when he bent down and put his face in my arm).
It did however bring me back to a place I spent the majority of my time when I was younger. My experience growing up disabled was one fraught with the preservation of what little pride I had. When I felt someone disrespected me, the overwhelming sense of obligation to do something about it (fight them, argue back, whatever) was one of the strongest driving forces of my formative years. And to be honest, feeling as if you have to fight and claw for the sense of pride most able-bodied people get to inherently enjoy is a tremendously heavy burden to carry.
One of the reasons I so relate to people who have some type of outward presenting marginalized identity, whether they’re Black or Brown or disabled or non-gender-conforming or whatever, is because it’s such an insanely specific experience to have people come up to you and say the absolute wildest shit possible. And they expect there to be no consequences from their actions, which is such a motherfucking frustrating dynamic to experience. It’s hard to explain to someone who’s never gone through it.
Anyway, that’s pretty much it. I haven’t seen Rick since. I do wish him the best, as I know he had good intentions. And while him and I ultimately weren’t able to enjoy a Newport together like he wanted (but Rick doesn’t smoke), he did give me an interesting story to add to the collection.
All in all, not my worst father’s day.
if u read this far i owe u a cigarette
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Authorblues chose Violence, now so do I.
These past couple of years have been weird for artists. Some saw productivity rise as they had to rely on art (like me, weirdly got way more traction). We had to then battle with the obvious NFT grift that is now collapsing while most of the winners of it walk away with undeserved money. Now that crypto and Web3 bullshit has died down we're onto the next weird tech scheme: AI art.
As a person who has used AI art generators in the past for a Lancer game, I feel I should apologise for my ignorance. I've felt the power I have at my hands, and I certainly understand that it's kind of addictive, and unfortunately inevitable. That said there absolutely SHOULD be a pushback on the commodification of it. It SHOULD be vilified and it SHOULD be regulated on artist consent.
So, the one argument I see is that it empowers non artists to create. Like.. sure, I guess, it's still art. It's a soulless sludge, but it's still art. It doesn't deserve the praise though because there was no story behind it. Even the objectively worst art in history at least has an interesting story that reveals the humanity within. It is true however that those without the equipment or skill is empowered to create with a few keystrokes.
The problem arises however when we know that higher ups in big production companies are also, in as much as we can stretch the definition of the term, human. In a tweet that makes so much sense it made me sit back in my chair and ponder for way too long, it was noted that artists in the future would expect to use these tools to boost productivity. As such, this means that art sectors in companies can then be reduced, since AI will provide tools to speed up generation of product.
So while the chosen few watch their coworkers get laid off, they are then saddled with the simple fact that yes, they're providing more productivity, but their salary doesn't change. Their job becomes less meaningful, in both the volume of work that is expected and the importance of a single person's ability. You can guarantee a higher up doesn't care, the tech doesn't exist to help artists, it exists to cut corners and costs, and we all KNOW where the bloated slices of the money pie goes in game and film production.
I've also noticed a trend that it's very often artists who're advocating and speaking out against industry crunch. This goes for ALL facets. We're not against programmers, we're against grifters and people who exploit art and artists. We rarely, if at all, see the AI advocates present a both sides argument when they demand one of artists, who in a fair few cases do see merit in AI art when used ethically and on a personal level.
But in the end, us digital artists rely on good programmers to make good programs. Thing is we -pay- for those programs. Even Adobe where I'm the 'you can always pirate it' guy has to make money, and they do, they're industry standard. But the thing about the market is that we can move on to buying a different program, like I did with Clip. Yes, they can demand money for their programming skill, but people who program AI art generators are doing so off the backs of people who don't even realise it's happening to them. So yes, we're hostile because they wouldn't EXIST without us, and there's no compensation whatsoever.
This is the part that made me mad about Auth telling us we had to read that godawful thing that ended in the term 'democratization'. Like fuck you dude who said that, stealing isn't a democracy, and even if it was it certainly doesn't make it right. At that point the advocates shouldn't even try to justify anything, should just stay quiet and soulless, carry on without trying to be some philosophical genius who can take a higher ground because they can. They have no defences and they should stop trying.
In the end, we see what they're doing. They're the tracers who get called out on FA and are run out of the community and make sad journals about how everyone was mean to them and find a bunch of weird friends who're also outcast because they don't understand that good artists tore themselves apart to get to where they are. The product matters more than the ethics, and in a world where rich people can no longer convince the masses that those without the same money are jealous, we see exactly what's going on.
It fucking sucks man.
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America’s Dead, Long Live America-Spaceships, Queen Elizabeth dies around 9/11 anniversary
Culturally I guess it’s still a mutual feeling of whiteness because even with fighting a whole war centuries ago, we all feel away about America and the UK.
Even with social media, climate change, war, covid, racial inequality, web3, spaceships and doggos we all dearly want to know somebody did the whole thing with being the everyday person yet the commander of whatever challenges and had a winning smile. Like every time I see anybody else grow their economic pie and I do admire how hard they try I don’t think they realize why things persist is not always technological, it’s great it’s wonderful solving really hard problems but like people are limited to their bubble and it really matters as Haniq says it like did you show out for your people. White people do it in a different way and in way I can’t explain but you definitely see it with black people. And people have been doing that since the dawn of time. Someone has argued that gossip is the language of how people communicate, I think they have institutional and privatized incentives to say that. I really do think even in the bare bones of civilization who are networked, however you describe it, is how did you wield that victory after the storm of things to your people. East Asians are like clueless when it comes to showing a social gold of victories. I really do think they are at best weird and someone should call out their so called trade, technology, science. But I don’t know, I am Chinese (mix) born in America but to me East Asians are very different from me. I do identify more with Western ideals even if barely know anything about it because it is comforting to think of people who understand and commanded individual technology. I probably clunkily say it as participating in public goods, white people go for it when they go to their sports stadium but I still feel even as web3 people really ream you for relying on the government I don’t think that they understand that they are going to start talking about who gets to commercialize tech and science. I’m very limited to what I know but white people and their bros can ease on the your bank account data crypto whatever cause it’s not the whole pathway.
Didn’t Shinzo Abe get assassinated and like it was on the news for like a day.
I’m also reading this book about Asian Americans in the 90s and it’s by three East Asian dudes and man it’s just so much being said by the fact that even as they reflect they would just write a college essay for a minor class they had to pick for a requirement. White supremacy is bad in the west but like did East Asian ancient peoples even I’m confused why East Asians didn’t have a meta level of grit. East Asians put themselves in boxes…or whatever their eye candy is nobody don’t want it. It’s going to be a hard no.
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So I have a lot of issues with my brother in law. One issue is he puts all of his money he earns into crypto. He doesn’t have emergency funds or anything in a savings account. He would go on his extravagant vacations in Vegas and then call my husband to borrow thousands of dollars because he needed the money immediately and couldn’t pull it out of crypto in time. He would pay back in a couple of days, but come on dude.
Over a year ago my husband would feel so envious of him because he had over 2 million in crypto. This dumbass was planning to pull his money out in august 2021. He didn’t and crypto has tanked so so hard. As you can guess he has shut up about crypto. My husband isn’t jealous anymore.
Financial tips: have a good amount in a savings account. Don’t put everything you have into crypto or stocks. You can’t always predict the market.
#Sarah rambles#I try to be loving towards my brother in law#he just ticks me off#he’s a narcissist#he’s also misogynistic#my husband thinks his brother now has under $100000#which I know is still a lot of money#but he had 2 mill a year ago#doesn’t have enough to buy a house now#my adult life
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it’s not even 8am and two of my bro coworkers are talking about stocks i’m literally going to slam my head against my desk until i pass out
#oh my god#‘bro i got in right before it pumped’#‘it’s gonna go up even more bc el*n m*sk’s been tweeting about it’#‘dude i don’t have anything in crypto’#shut up shut up shut up SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP ABOUT YOUR STUPID FAKE MONEY
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What instruments do you think the legends would play?
Ho boy -
Bloodhound: In line with old Icelandic and Norse instruments, possibly a lyre of some kind. Probably tried out guitar when they started interacting with the modern world more but never really got into it.
Gibraltar: Canonly plays the uke and honestly that’s just his vibe yo. Dude likes to chill. Also probably didn’t wanna bother learning anything more complex. Proooobably slacked off on music lessons in school.
Lifeline: In line with having a higher education, piano and harp. She’s pretty damn good at but prefers the piano; she was in lessons from toddlerhood all the way up until she left home at 19. She avoids both in favor of the drums.
Pathfinder: Tesla coils that he codes to play hot cross buns. Mirage will sometimes mess with his Tesla coils, so they play the Death March from Star Wars.
Wraith: Honestly, don’t think she can play any. Not her priority. Can whistle a fine tune and knows several, though she has no idea when or where she picked this skill up. She likes to imagine she was some kind of whistle aficionado in the 3rd grade. Seems like something a kid would do.
Bangalore: Also piano, her Nana taught her because “Lord forbid a girl don’t know how to play an instrument”. Bangalore never really understood what Nana meant by that, since she said the same thing about all her brothers. Unlike Lifeline, Bangalore actually really enjoys playing when she can and usually subs in when the piano player at her church is out. Also can pluck a guitar a little bit from what Jackson taught her, but after he went missing she couldn’t bring herself to learn any more, or play. He’d be really disappointed, but she tries not to think about it.
Caustic: He’s a clarinet hoe. His mom thought it would help him socialize. All it taught him was that he hated the clarinet. And the guy who played the triangle because he never hit it on time. Fuck, he hated that guy.
Mirage: Literally just Inchworm on the piano. He filled up all his brain space with engineering stuff, cocktail recipes and his own top 10 Apex plays.
Octane: The only thing he had the attention span and want to learn was the jaw harp, ‘cause it was one of the weirdest things he could think of at the time. He was also motivated because it pissed off his dad and wives number 3-5. 6 was actually pretty chill with it. He does technically know how to play the piano and violin through lessons he was forced into, but he’s elected to forget everything. Would probably shred an electric guitar if he got interested enough to learn it because he, as a rule, is actually really good/smart about things he cares about.
Wattson: She’s the one that showed Path you could make music with Tesla coils. She likes to use them to recreate classical pieces. She found if she puts on her suit and stands between two of them, she can make her own music. This freaked Wraith the fuck out the first time she showed her, even though she knew she’d be okay.
Crypto: He can’t play any actual instruments, but he can use one of those music creation programs to make beats or arrange instruments as if he had an orchestra to control. Dude couldn’t have really afforded an instrument or lessons growing up by my guess, but he had some kind of access to a computer, and if anything, he could have pirated the program, so that’s why he probably can’t play anything outside of it. Started playing with classical music more when he and Wattson became friends.
Revenant: As a human? Probably nothing. As a Sim? One time he took two femurs to a guy’s ribcage and managed a decent rendition of hot cross buns.
Loba: Once she got to the point where she blended into high society instead of just trying to hide within it, she got herself piano, flute and violin lessons. Piano is a pretty standard instrument in the homes and event halls of the rich, and she frequently uses it to impress high profile guests. Violin is equally respectable and easily portable. She learned the flute as an extra “in case” instrument, one that is still acceptable, but a little more unexpected and unique for clients that might appreciate that. In short, it’s all about strategy for her.
Rampart: She can play happy birthday with armpit farts. (She has been banned from doing this at parties. Except for Octane’s, he encourages it). She also is like those guys that play things like jingle bells by shooting different metal disks in bumfuck nowhere. I love her.
Mary: Pan flute. She learned it for DND as a young teenager. Has dressed up as a woodland elf for Halloween multiple times. Will play funny tunes at seemingly inappropriate times as a way to cheer people up; it almost always works.
Fuse: We know that dude shreds the electric guitar 100 percent. Plays exclusively old fucker music. A favorite at parties.
Valkyrie: Never bothered to learn, can play literally nothing. She can keep a beat just fine and dance pretty well, but she had other things to dedicate her time to and neither of her parents were musically inclined.
Seer: He’s one of those people that can just pick up an instrument and play it; all the traditional ones, some less mainstream like the oboe or something. Had done jaw harp duets with Octane. A virtuoso. Would probably be able to play even more instruments than he already can if he stopped playing so much pinball in his spare time.
#apex legends#apex legends headcanons#bloodhound apex legends#gibraltar apex legends#lifeline apex legends#pathfinder apex legends#wraith apex legends#bangalore apex legends#caustic apex legends#mirage apex legends#octane apex legends#wattson apex legends#crypto apex legends#revenant apex legends#loba apex legends#rampart apex legends#horizon apex legends#fuse apex legends#valkyrie apex legends#seer apex legends#apex legends headcannons#anon ask#km writes
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i made the mistake of attempting to talk to cryptocultists last night and I cannot stop because every time I turn around they come back to my notifications with the absolute wildest bullcrap that proves they have no idea how anything works
[ID: A Twitter user with their name censored saying, “More to the point, why would anyone not want to play games which pay them for the play, allowing them to make NFT game items with them to use, sell, barter, upgrade, etc. The current model is dead- ya’ll just don’t know it yet. For the record I’m not an overly avid gamer. I’m not even the main target demographic. I’m a 42yr old Dad, business man and crypto enthusiast. Back when I had time I’d smash on @ ElderScrolls for hours-- but at some point I realized I was paying them to waste my time. /end ID]
“Why would you want to play games if you can’t make money??? I had fun playing Skyrim but then I realized I was PAYING FOR ENTERTAINMENT!!! What a waste of time!!!”
He later asked why you would want to play games where you can’t make money if you can play games where you CAN. I asked him if there were any actually enjoyable games like this (as “play-to-earn” games tend to be extremely, extremely dull), and he linked me to this (which is an unreleased game--5:39 for the actual start of the game):
youtube
truly the future of gaming, my friends.
He also went on to explain how NFTs and blockchain will allow you to do things that no other game has done before!! Like... trade items/characters between games, play in IRL tournaments, and sell items for real money.
You know. Things that have been happening since the 90s or 2000s.
Unless, if by “trading items/characters between games” he meant ANY games, which ... is not feasible, for many many reasons. But it does seem like this is a thing that a lot of cryptocultists believe can happen. Like this next guy!
[ID: Two images from a series of tweets showing a conversation between me (BC) and a different user whose name is censored.
BC: The fact that [my Charizard] is not an NFT does not remove any emotional/sentimental value she has to me.
User: That's great and that is an aspect of ownership that is often overlooked. However all other aspects of ownership would be strengthened by your control of the record of asset ownership outside the centralized game owners.
BC: Please tell me how, if my Pokémon were NFTs, I could “own” them if, say, somehow, Nintendo shut down the Pokémon games. Sure I’d still have strings of code, but I would do… what with them?
User: This is not a productive conversation so I'm going to bounce. We are trying to explain something that you aren't ready to learn. Why should anyone waste their time or get frustrated. I expect someday you will understand what we've been trying to teach you but this is not that day
BC: No dude I would really like to know what I would do with my Pokémon, if they were NFTs, should Nintendo somehow shut down every Pokémon game (if it were possible). Please explain this to me, I am very interested. /end ID]
This user was particularly wild because it turns out he actually developed board games for big IPs like Pokemon, Star Wars, and Disney! And in fact, he had apparently worked on an (unreleased?) blockchain game, which he proudly showed me this video about:
youtube
The video’s pretty short, but a basic rundown is that they’re talking about “blockchain games” which allow you to create in-game assets that you “own” and that you can somehow move into other games. It does not describe how any of this is accomplished.
When I pointed out the obvious copyright issues with this (for example, this guy was telling me that if my Charizard were an NFT and Nintendo shut down all the Pokemon games (somehow??) I could still keep her and import her into other games, except... Nintendo still owns the Charizard species so no other game could put this species in the game), he insisted that this point was covered in his video. I pointed out that it was not, unless he somehow thought that NFTs give a person copyright to the work the NFT is of, which is not the case.
This guy, who has done professional work [ID: with multiple IPs, does not understand basic copyright.
He stopped replying.
And now we have this guy!
[ID: A tweet with a new user whose name is censored, talking to me (BC) on the same thread.
User: If Pokemon shut down the game, then it would be a lose-lose situation. Sure you would no longer own anything, but Pokemon would have to take the ultimate self destruct pill for this to happen. While the game lives, so does your ownership of the game item.
BC: ...Yeah. Which is how the games already work, without requiring NFTs. /end ID]
tell me you’ve never played Pokemon without telling me you’ve never played Pokemon.
[ID: Another series of tweets with the same user talking to me (BC),
User: Until you’re banned for breaking the ToS regarding use of the your own in game “assets”, that you purchased with your own money, but in reality are just rented to you by the dev, and on condition that you don’t use them as you want.
BC: how do you get banned from playing Pokemon. and how do you purchase pokemon for money.]
TELL ME YOU’VE NEVER PLAYED POKEMON WITHOUT TELLING ME YOU’VE NEVER PLAYED POKEMON.
He continued to try to sell me on NFTs/blockchain on the basis of a lot of different things that ... already exist.
[ID: The same user from above talking with me (BC) again.
User: It’s not even the half of it. In game advertising where the advertisers NFT becomes part of the storyline, eg Nike shoes give a character more speed in the game and a 10% discount in stores. The dev receives a mktg spend, brand receives engagement, player [ok hand sign emoji]
BC: Congrats! You are describing something that has existed since the 90s, and was first popularized by Neopets! /end ID]
For those not familiar, Neopets popularized “immersive advertising,” which inserted ads directly into the gameplay. There were minigames based on Pokemon movies and a Coca-Cola shop in Neopets, among other things. Neopets being a pet game that has existed since the 90s. (Not to mention how gross this entire concept is, but anyway...)
But, you know. Innovation!!!! Things we’ve never seen before!!!
And once again...
[ID: Another series of tweets between the same user and me (BC).
User: It’s not intended to be done on a wide scale, as it is just for select assets for the purpose of acquiring players and extending the boundaries / interest in a game. At least initially. The distant future may be more sophisticated.
BC: Then, as I said, you are describing something that already exists, and has existed since the 90s, and does not need blockchain or NFTs or crypto in ANY way to be accomplished.
User: Whatever existed in the 90s obviously had so many hurdles that it was not worth the trouble. Blockchain makes it simple and accessible.
BC: “It was not worth the trouble” it is... still being done. the same system. today. it’s one of the main selling points of the Pokemon games. /end ID]
TELL ME YOU’VE NEVER PLAYED POKEMON WITHOUT TELLING ME YOU’VE NEVER PLAYED POKEMON
in short OH MY GOSH CAN CRYPTO DIE ALREADY SO THESE PEOPLE ARE LEFT PENNILESS AND WITH NOTHING BUT UGLY JPEGS AND BROKEN GAMES
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