#ABL counseling session

[absolutebl]

Hello,

This is an industry related ask. I saw a meme that got me thinking about how people view the BL industry in entertainment. The post goes like this:

GMMTV has a system where they hire actors to work on BLs as a pairing and they ensure the actors gain a strong following before casting them in a het drama and they never work on a BL again despite still reaping the benefits of the fandom they acquired from BL.

When I first saw the post I laughed because I have always joked that a lot of these actors see BL as doing dirty work that allows you to get to higher levels, but when I began to think of it I ended up feeling sad. The GMMTV pairing I thought of when I saw this was BrightWin, I have never watched their series so I don't even know much about their chemistry together but from social media I have seen that they still do promotion and sponsorship using their ship despite the fact that they probably will never be in a BL together again.

Now I don't think any actor should take a project they don't want but the thought kept ringing in my head that they see BL as something dirty which in turn make me feel dirty. This is more of a me problem as I often struggle with internalized homophobia. I am christian and I come from a place where hating gays is normal as queer people are the equivalent to demons. It took me years but over time I have come to realize that queer people are people and even if I can't completely understand them I don't want to pour energy into hate. Most people think I am strange when I defend queer people because they are so strange here. In fact, I didn't want to start watching BLs at first because I considered them as not queer enough and fetishized depictions. Over time I have come to realize that there are good stuff as well as bad ones.

My main point is that thinking of how the rest of entertainment must view BLs just brings all those feelings forward. What is your opinion on how BLs are viewed in entertainment? Do you think my thoughts are merely clouded by my own prejudice?

I have a short answer for this:

In Hollywood right now no one thinks of, cares about, or even knowns, BL.

Leaving that aside. I have a long answer too.

The "rest of entertainment" specifically Asian countries probably regards BL much in the same way the publishing industry regards romance and for much the same reasons and I talk about that in this post. It's a marketing, queer, and feminist issue. And I talk about that, and it's dirtiness specifically around dubcon and being a queer person who likes BL here.

I hope they help make you feel a bit better.

I will add, since you mentioned christianity that for you shame is likely also in play. Shame for liking soemthing deviant, shame for being a fan of anything at all (that's not sports or god).

Many fans have existed for a very long time under various cones of shame. Those who like fantasy and sci-fi, video games, RPG, LARPing, fanfic, erotic art, anime, yaoi, even kpop. To be a fan of something means at some point you will probably be shamed for it. Unfortunately, enthusiasm and love are often perceived as exploitable weaknesses by those who do not possess a similar capacity for immersive joy. Such people are pitiable, in the end, for they will never know true passion for shared ridiculousness.

I'm one of those who got stubborn about it and decided to mount a defense (which for me meant advanced degrees). But it's a battleground to make it clear that just because a thing is popular, romantic, charming, cute, appealing, sweet, or fun doesn't make in unimportant.

Finally, all industries that produce pop culture are inherently (or grow to be) corrupted and polluted in some way. Film, music, art, publishing, you name it. Any industry that makes money off talent and image is going to end up with gate keepers and middleman whose sole function is exploitative. Because that's how entertainment makes money.

It is possible to still love a thing while knowing its inception is flawed. That is not weakness, that is survival. Without the uplift that enjoyment gives us, without shared bits of pop culture and entertainment, without art (in whatever ridiculous form you need to consume it) there is no change, or growth, or connection within culture (or across cultures). There is no exploration of boundaries, there is no challenge to the social norm. There is no entertainment and distraction. And there is no escape from reality and the mundanity of everyday life.

If you need it, it's there for you, as flawed as it may be. Like a chipped glass, it still holds the water you need to drink to stay hydrated.

And I won't look at the smudges if you won't.

#asked and answered #ABL counseling session #love the things you love

[s0fter-sin]

general society is such an underthought aspect of mha. obviously there’s the big things like the obsession over heroic quirks and the demonisation of villainous quirks. quirkless people are dismissed entirely but i don’t think we talk about how society in general would have to handle a world with super powers.

we know after afo’s first uprising, the government overcorrected and outlawed public quirk usage. we know people have their quirks registered and go through quirk counselling as well as a type of gym class where they practice under teacher supervision.

how in the hell is that supposed to work?

the closest equivalent i can think of is mental health services. someone would have to study for a long time to be able to pursue quirk counselling as a career. it’s also a highly personalised system: everyone has a different quirk - even similar ones have different activations, triggers, exceptions and drawbacks - so no two sessions could ever be the same. if anyone’s been through mental health services, you know how rough it is; it’s an overworked, underpaid system and if you live somewhere that only offers a few free visits, it can also be expensive.

and that’s an elective service.

almost everyone on the planet would need quirk counselling.

there’s no way they could implement such a labour intensive and individual public system and we literally see that they can’t.

we see the gym class in amajiki’s flashback and he only has a few minutes with his teacher before he’s chided for not being more impressive and utilising his quirk to the fullest and they move on to the next student. say a standard class is twenty students like it is at ua. that leaves just over two minutes for each student to learn and practice their quirks. you can’t focus on just one kid per lesson bc what will the other nineteen do? do teachers also have to have a degree in quirk counselling? is that part of becoming a phys ed teacher or is it some random joe schmo trying to wrap his head around literal super powers?

given that inko goes to garaki - a doctor - to confirm izuku’s quirklessness, it can be assumed that quirk counselling is entwined with the medical system. i don’t know if you’ve ever had to apply for a specialist before but you can be on their waiting list for a while. a quirk counsellor is essentially a specialist. are there subcategories of counsellors? do you focus on either emitter, transformation or mutation the way doctors become cardiologists, paediatricians and neurologists? or is one person expected to be equally knowledgeable about all three?

we see through toga that her counsellor identified her need for blood but they didn’t find a way to curb those instincts or even find a supplement for her. she’s left to be abused by her family for something she can’t control bc it’s literally in her dna. compare that to iida who knows he needs orange juice to power his quirk. his entire family are pro heroes so it would be easy to assume they could employ a private quirk counsellor the same way richer people can employ private doctors.

how many people have specific requirements due to their quirks? changes in their physiology that have to be treated the same way nutritional deficiencies and allergies do? even people without mutations probably have those requirements: does kirishima’s shark teeth mean he’s an obligate carnivore? does mina’s acid change her ph levels and what vitamins and minerals she needs? how would they figure that out? quirk counselling.

what about kids like touya who would need extensive counselling so he could figure out how to live with his quirk without hurting himself? kaminari essentially has seizures and they’re so normal to him and everyone around him that they’re the butt of jokes. they wouldn’t be a one and done patient; there’s always going to be people that need continued support the exact same way there’s people that need developmental and disability support. there would be so many quirks that harm their user, are they just taught to bury their quirks? as if that wouldn’t cause any physical or mental consequences?

governments can’t create a system that applies to only some people, we’re expected to believe they’ve made one that applies to all of them?

#bnha #my hero academia #mha meta #i imagine its similar to therapy in that the first session would be free since its probably required in order to register a child’s quirk #they probably figure out activation in that time and thats it #onto the next kid bc there will always be another kid #you want more information on your child’s power? you better be able to pay for more sessions #even quirkless people need to be fully assessed to ensure theyre quirkless #i doubt anyone else is as interested in this as i am but it feels like just another world building aspect horikoshi just kinda skipped #quirk counselling is just sort of thrown in with toga and curious and it becomes just another concept that is brought up and discarded #quirk counselling quirklessness mutant prejudice the quirk singularity theory general mutations outside of mutant quirks #theres so many little interesting concepts that are never given the development they deserve #and when they are like in the last few chapters its done in such a shallow handwavy way that i wish hed just leave them alone altogether #no wonder the plf exists quirks are so suppressed in society while also being a status symbol #and yet its a completely hypothetical advantage if they dont become a hero or a villain #if a kid has a heroic quirk theyre held on a pedestal and if they have a villainous one theyre demonised at best and abused at worst #koichi was almost given a fine bc he was using his quirk to get through foot traffic quicker how is there not a riot every year about #quirk freedom and rights violations? #and yet its completely glossed over #go beyond plus ultra #coming out of my cage and ive been doing just fine.txt

[pepprs]

also omg sorry i keep double vent posting not to mention vent posting at all and i really need to not do that bc it’s so late and i still have to clean the whole kitchen by myself (LOL!!!!!! 💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖) but i am so backed into a corner by this therapy situation like the way i cannot tell my counselor abt any of the things happening to me in real time AT ALL and i skipped my session this week in part bc he has me doing this erikson stages of psychology thing now and we literally are not gonna talk abt anything else happening until we get thru all the stages and i didn’t do my homework for it BC IM VERY BUSY AND ALSO UNWILLING TO MAKE MYSELF EVEN MORE MISERABLE??? DUH??? so we skipped the session and i feel so scolded and he sent me a voice memo telling me he thought we should skip it like Omg why is this a class and not counseling 😭 but i also was glad to skip it bc otherwise we would’ve talked abt things happening for me rn and i don’t even feel safe doing that w him at all anymore after the session we had at the beginning of this yr and i know it’s bad and i know i need to leave and i don’t know how. omg

#purrs #what i need actually (and he KNOWS THIS bc i wouldn’t have had this fucking homework thst is going to retraumatize me if i do it by myself b #bc i can’t do it in a session where he guides me thru it!!!!) is to have a private soundproof room where i can scream and sob for like 30 mi #minutes without being disturbed… AND/OR stability in the p*rent(al figure) department (🥴🤡🤮🤑🤠🤐🥴💀🥸🙈🤕). and it is the WAY SHAPE AND FORM in whi #which by virtue of the person i am i cannot have either of those things. like omg no wonder why i look like ive been mauled by a bear it’s b #because i have! but on the inside 💖 #delete later #not just parental btw it’s like.. guidance AT ALL including counseling. like omgdjjdbd why can none of the ppl who are in my life to protect #and guide me whether they actually know they are doing that or not able to like. do that CONSISTENTLY through the years. and why am i a #thr smallest speck of dust in the world <- i was going to word that better / funnier / clever im just falling flat on my face and my phone #is dying AJD i have to go fucking clean. stick figure biting stick.jpg

[ritualslaughter]

put on a load of laundry and my hamper wasn't even full!!!!!

#first time in AGES ive been able to do that 💜 #i had a really good session at counselling yesterday and im trying to be kinder to myself #also he was like 'have you considered adhd' BOY HAVE I #bones.txt

[star-anise]

are we talking about broke therapists yet?

I've been out of things for a couple of years now, which is why I'm willing to talk about it, and maybe the pandemic has helped things a little, but holy shit the counselling and psychotherapy field is not equipped to help its practitioners in the gig economy.

Of all my interests and talents, I pursued a degree in psychology because being a therapist is supposed to be a safe, stable, well-paid job. Every therapist I met who was registered before 2008 worked and lived under that assumption. And oh boy are all the fee structures--registration, supervision, continuing education, conferences--set up for that scenario.

After getting my Master's, I struggled like hell to get a job. It was especially bad because to get my license, I needed a supervisor to take me on. To take me on, most supervisors wanted me to already have a caseload and client base. To get a caseload and client base, I needed a job.

Friends: Every single job I heard back on wanted me to have my license before I could even land an interview.

Professors and career advisors and professional development specialists all advised me very earnestly to just keep cold-calling people on the supervision list, and it began to feel a lot like my parents' friends telling me to hit the bricks and hand out resumes. That's what worked for them, right?

I finally got a supervisor who agreed to take me on, and I'd be able to use her clinic for advertising and workspace, and we were doing the paperwork to send in with my registration, when she called me up and said, "Is this job going to be your only source of income? If you're trying to depend on getting clients and building your practice for your basic needs, this is not going to work out. This has to be something you're doing on top of a basic salary. Okay, so you're not working anywhere else right now? I'm sorry, I can't move forward with this."

Even once I landed a supervisor and a job building my own private practice, I struggled. I have ADHD and am not great at self-promotion, so trying to do all my own advertising, scheduling, bookkeeping, billing, and records management (on top of counselling) was an enormous strain. One my bosses, supervisors, and other senior professionals watched with a slightly critical eye, but consoled me about because in their early days, their clinics had had business managers, receptionists, filing clerks, and accountants, and getting used to doing everything online yourself was a bit of a learning curve, wasn't it?

I counted my pennies very carefully, because I had to pay my supervisor roughly $180 for their services every 6 hours of in-person counselling I did. This meant that to break even I had to charge my clients an average of about $30 (plus room rental and service fees) an hour--and my clients, being people with complex trauma, were frequently poor, disabled, unemployed, and had no health benefits, so even $10 or $20 a session was a lot for them.

Maybe it would have been easier if I could have taken some of those nice comfortable organization positions where they find clients and funding for you and you work 40 hours a week and get benefits and a pension, but I had to be disabled into the bargain, so working 40 hours a week just isn't possible for me. I start passing out from stress and exhaustion. Older colleagues gave me serious-faced advice about approaching my employer and asking them for some flexibility and accommodation in my schedule, and I tried to explain across the gap between us that employers simply did not hire me if I made the slightest noise about the workload. They weren't going to invest in me as a person; they were hiring 40 units of work a week, and if I wouldn't do it there were a dozen applicants after me who would.

At one point I broke down enough to email my licensing body because the Annual General Meeting/Professional Development Conference was coming up, and I wanted to attend, but I could not produce $500 to do it with. Was there some kind of way I could attend anyway? I felt ashamed to have to ask, and then absolutely mortified when the response came from the organization president, who needed to personally sign off on me being too poor to attend the single most important event in my profession's calendar year.

I honestly felt so ashamed all the time at how I was apparently failing to be a successful therapist, failing to be rich and successful, and every time I mentioned it around mentors and bosses, I could feel myself shrinking from a person to a problem to be solved. My closest therapist-friends and I have reflected on how much more difficult, poorly-paid and underworked, our various career starts have been than we were ever warned about. About the classmates and coworkers who couldn't get disability exceptions when they fell behind in their registration requirements, or burned out and left the field, or dropped their registrations and took up as life coaches, or moved their whole family somewhere exceptionally remote or rural because it was the only good job available, or worked for some godforsaken app skirting the bounds of malpractice like BetterHelp.

I like those conversations, because I feel less like an absolute fuck-up in them. There's less "Hey Lis, you were so talented in grad school, I really admired you, what are you doing now?" "Oh, I, uh... am professionally disabled, so I get government benefits, and I... sell embroidery patterns on Etsy now."

My own therapist kept asking if and when I felt like going back to being a counsellor, and I finally told him: I don't, actually. I don't want to go back and do it like I was doing it before. It was a profession I loved to the depths of my soul, and it profoundly did not love me back. I can't even imagine what would have to change, in me or it, to make it have a space in it that could fit me.

All of which I was way too scared to admit to at the time, because the more I let people know I was struggling, the more they hinted that maybe I just wasn't in a place in my life where this was a job I could do, and I needed to take a little break and wait to come back until money and disability just weren't issues for me anymore.

Eventually my cups of doubt and exhaustion did overflow, and I quit. I'm here now, living a much different life. And at the very least, all my years of helping people in bad life situations set me up perfectly for my own. I already knew what form to fill out for financial assistance, which student clinics to access for mental health support, and which government agency would, if pressed, cough out pharmacy coverage for the genuinely destitute. It gave me that much.

I hope this is just me being in extraordinary circumstances, sitting at the intersections of a few different shitty life situations that most people skip right past. Because it's on one level comforting, but another deeply infuriating, if I'm not, and I've just missed it or we've just all been too afraid to admit it to each other.

#staranise original #therapisting

[bearsbeetsbeskar]

Study Days with Joel (Joel Miller x f!reader)

pairing: Joel Miller x female reader (no outbreak) word count: 3.5k of pure smut rating: Explicit, MDNI 18+, swearing, oral sex (f! receiving), fingering, breath play, choking, age gap (reader is in her early 20s, Joel is in his 40s), no physical descriptions of reader except that Joel is able to lift her up summary: You have your state psychology exam coming up, the last step in getting your degree, but studying is the bane of your existence. Joel comes up with an alternative solution to help you study for the exam. A/N: Soooo, this was rotting my brain for the last month of my semester in grad school, pretty sure I was ovulating and I started typing it out in the library on campus. Best believe I struggled to get any studying done, thinking about this fictional man. This is also my first time writing smut so please be kind. Not beta'd cause I literally just needed to get it OUT. Comment and reblog if you like it. Enjoy! 🌚 🌹-N main masterlist

“C’mon baby, try again. Wanna hear it.”

You whine and squirm under the weight of his grip, his forearm pinning your hips further into the mattress like an iron bar.

“Jo- fuck,” you pant as your hips buck up, chasing the heat of his mouth. The crumpled study cheat sheet that you were clutching is long abandoned as your right hand snakes through his curls and grips them hard.

All you can do is mewl helplessly as Joel laps away at your aching cunt, his tongue lathing in wide strokes through your folds, before flattening it and swirling it around your swollen clit.

“Try again,” he mumbles into your core. The vibrating rumble of his baritone sends shockwaves throughout your body, as he presses a kiss to your clit, then moves down to lick into your hole, drinking up your arousal.

You gasp, canting your hips up again, trying to get him closer.

Deeper.

More of his tongue, more of his fingers, more Joel.

“I can’t,” you sob in desperation and arch your back, more wetness seeping out of your pussy.

Your mind is reduced to mush at this point. The only sensations that exist are the heat of Joel’s mouth, the softness of his curly locks, and the damp fabric of the sheets underneath you.

“Yes, you can,” he whispers against your core. “You remembered it earlier today. C’mon” He looks up at you, those sinful chocolate eyes devouring you whole.

The photographic memory you were so confident in fails you instantly, as you try to remember concepts from the cheat sheet. The only image you can see is Joel's predatory gaze peering up at you from your core, the lower half of his face drenched in your slick.

You have no doubt that Joel’s intentions were pure. Wholesome, even. The key word being were. But the way he’s sucking on your pussy lips, devouring your cunt as if it was his last meal on earth, nothing about this feels wholesome or pure.

He wanted to help you study for your upcoming licensing exam, the final step in getting your degree. When he suggested helping you out, you figured he would run through the material with you a couple times, test you on a few concepts, and then reassure you that you had nothing to worry about. Kiss you on the forehead and tell you that you’d ace the exam no problem.

—------------------------------------------------------------------------

“You’re gonna do just fine baby, you’re overthinking it. You and I both know that you know your stuff.” He grabs your face, his massive palms enveloping your cheeks, as he kisses you on the forehead while you continue your anxious tirade.

“Yeah, but not with statistics!” Anxiety bubbles up through your chest, solidifying and compressing your lungs as you squawk back at him.

“This is math, my worst fucking enemy. I hate that they include this portion on the exam, it’s not like I’ll ever need to know how the different types of reliability and validity will help a client in a counseling session-”

“Hey, hey, hey,” he presses his thumbs into your cheekbones ever so slightly, interrupting your runaway thoughts and bringing you back to earth. “Look at me.”

You attempt to hang your head in defeat but Joel’s strong hands keep your head in place. Pouting incessantly, you roll your eyes and pointedly look away from him.

“Hey.” He grunts and shakes your head sharply. “I saw that.”

You’re still mostly in panic mode, but the edge in his tone has warmth rushing through your body, and your gaze trailing back up to meet him.

Joel strokes your cheeks with the pads of his thumbs, back and forth. The featherlight touch on your soft skin lulls you out of panic mode, as your shoulders slump and your posture relaxes. Pulling you in for a hug, he cups the back of your head, his other hand rubbing up and down your back. The heat from his large hand bleeds through your sleep shirt, wrapping your body in his comforting warmth.

“You’re smarter than anyone I know darlin,’ told ya so from the first day we met. Hell, I don’t know anyone else who has the entirety of that damn manual memorized front to back, ‘cept for you.” He presses his lips into the crown of your head, inhaling the sweet smell of you.

You snort, but it comes out muffled as you press your face further into his broad chest.

“That’s different. That stuff is interesting to me, it’s easy to absorb. Statistics is math, and math is the devil.” You grumble, nuzzling further into the warmth of his shirt, breathing in the faint smell of his detergent and cologne. The smell of Joel.

“I know. But I’m sure in the beginning, even memorizing a quarter of the stuff was a headache, and yet you did it. You just gotta give this a chance,” he murmurs against your hair. “Maybe there’s a different method we haven’t figured out yet, that will help it click, hm?”

He continues to rub slow circles against your back when you mumble something incoherent and bury more into his chest, wrapping your arms around his middle.

Joel was right. You knew he was, as much as you hated to admit it. But above all else, he genuinely cared about helping you succeed, and if there was anything he could do to make life easier for you, or let you know that you weren’t alone in your struggles, he would do it. And he always spoke about conquering those struggles as a team, as your partner, always willing to carry the load for you if you couldn’t handle it yourself.

Not that he doubted you in the first place. But it was always ‘we’ or ‘us,’ never just ‘you,’ or ‘I.’ It’s one of the reasons why you were head over heels in love with him. Sometimes you wondered if he realized how much strength he gave you by simply existing.

“Remind me again,” he shifts his arms so that they wrap around you, gluing you to his body,.

“What’s the difference between.. Schizophrenia and schizoaffective disorder?”

Although you’re not looking at him, you know that he has a smile on his face. He fully knows that you know the correct answer. Sighing deeply, you turn your head to the side.

“Schizophrenia is a psychotic disorder where a person experiences psychosis, or hallucinations and or delusional thinking, but schizoaffective disorder is when a person experiences the same psychotic symptoms, along with symptoms of a mood disorder, like depression or mania.”

“Straight from the fuckin’ textbook,” he whispers in your ear, before leaning down to kiss your pulse point. “My smart cookie.”

Shivering in response, you tilt your head to the side as his lips trail down your neck, pressing soft, wet kisses and nibbling ever so slightly. Gasping, you tilt your head further, giving him more access and melting in his embrace.

“Mmm.” Joel rumbles, the deep vibration reverberating through his chest.

“Why don’t we try another study method and see how it works?”

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Little did you know that another study method would involve you laid out beneath Joel, his broad frame caging you in as he took you apart with his mouth. Every kiss, every lick, every suckle to your clit, had your eyes rolling to the back of your head as Joel tested your restraint.

“Tell me again baby, I know you know it.”

He whispers into your wetness, pulling away to press wet kisses to the inside of your thighs. When you don’t answer immediately, he sinks his teeth into the soft flesh, applying the slightest pressure that makes you gasp and lift your head to look down at him. He doesn’t say anything else, save for quirking his brow, patiently waiting while his tongue soothes over the indents on your skin.

“Stat-fuck.”

You swallow, your throat desperately dry from the hoarse moans and whimpers you’ve been letting out.

“Statistical significance is- is when the rela-relationsh-shit,” you pant as Joel’s tongue traces your outer lips, sucking slightly before dipping into your hole and curling, “between two or more v-variables is caused by s-something other than-ngh chance.”

The last part comes out as a rushed gasp as scorching heat runs through your veins, with Joel’s mouth magnetized to your cunt, but he praises you nonetheless.

He hums and gives you a devious smile.

“Good girl,” he purrs, grazing your slit with his middle finger, gathering up the obscene amount of wetness leaking out of you, before sliding two thick fingers into your cunt.

You barely have time to catch your breath, choking on gasp as you revel in the stretch of his fingers. So fucking long and thick. You never get tired of how they fill you so perfectly.

“My good fucking girl. So fuckin’ smart.” He growls into your cunt, curling his dexterous fingers, effortlessly pressing up against that spot that makes your eyes roll back and clench around him.

“Oh shit.”

Your mind goes blank as you whine and start to tense your stomach, hips lifting up again seeking out more friction. The stretch of his fingers is delicious, the way they hook inside you, reaching spots you can never reach yourself. It makes your head spin as he continues to lathe his tongue up and down, flattening it and making wide circles around your clit.

You can feel the heat starting to build in your core, licking up your spine as Joel keeps slowly pushing his fingers in and out of your dripping cunt. Steadily, in and out, until your hips are tightening and loosing with the building pressure.

“Joel, please.”

You sob and lift your hips up once more to meet his mouth, pull his fingers in deeper.

“Shhh babygirl. You’re doing good so far,” he lifts his mouth off your pussy, his drenched lips hovering just above it as he presses a chaste kiss to your mound.

He waits a beat, before a devious grin spreads across his face.

“But you gotta be prepared for all sorts of distractions when you’re writing that exam, gotta be able to focus and tune it all out.”

Your thoughts aren’t even coherent at this point. Your brain is just a soggy pile of mush, frayed neurons, misfiring in all directions. He’s kidding right?

Joel Miller is your biggest distraction.

Always.

You barely have time to lift your head up and watch his malicious smile disappear, as it morphs into something primal.

Pure hunger.

He rises up from his place between your legs, releasing your one leg he was holding to spread you open, while his other hand is still knuckle deep in your tight, throbbing pussy.

Coming up on the bed to hover over your frame, you’re awestruck by his size. How much bigger he is than you. How broad he is, with his shoulders spanning twice the amount of space as yours. It makes you shiver, your skin tingling under the thin layer of sweat that coats your naked body.

“Next question sugar. Ready?”

Joel licks his lips, his pupils blown black as he snaps his fingers against that spongy spot deep inside you. The air is punched out of your lungs as you choke on a gasp.

“Fuck, Joel.”

“I know baby, I know.”

He coos at you, leaning down to kiss you. Gently brushing his lips against yours before his tongue teases the seam of your lips, you open up to him. He swallows your moans, tongue dancing with yours as he groans, sucking on your bottom lip.

Breaking away he pants as his gaze flicks between your lips to your eyes. “Y’trust me?”

For a fraction of a second, you see the concern in his big rounded eyes. The dominance dissipates as he checks in with you, making sure you’re still with him, and that it’s not too much.

You nod frantically before you can even process his words.

“Words baby, I gotta hear those sweet words.”

“Yes, Joel.” One word falling from your lips.

“Please”

“There we go. Now, can you tell me what inter-rater reliability is?”

“Uhhh.” You wish you could answer him, you really could. But he keeps fucking his fingers into you, pressing up against your g-spot at the same steady pace. The squelching sounds coming from your pussy are obscene, causing your brain to short circuit as you feel the familiar coil tightening in your lower belly.

You try to continue, but as soon as you do, Joel’s free hand slowly snakes around your neck. His massive palm envelopes the circumference of your throat, as he grasps it loosely.

Instantly your mouth drops open as you whine, eyes glazing over. He loves playing with you. It’s all too easy to turn you into a babbling mess, drunk on his pleasure in a matter of minutes. His voice, his hands, his mouth.

Sobbing and squirming underneath him, another pulse of pleasure shoots straight to your core as you clench around his thick fingers. He’s not even squeezing, barely applying the slightest bit of pressure but fuck, it makes you dizzy already.

You love when he chokes you, love feeling his huge warm hands encircling the column of your neck. The way that those hands could so easily snap you in half, holding onto your fate. It makes you ridiculously wet, your pussy fluttering in anticipation.

Joel tilts his head, drinking you in underneath his predatory gaze, before the corner of his mouth slowly lifts into a smile.

“Distractions baby. Gotta think past them”

All you can do is look up at him through teary doe eyes and whimper. In response, his thumb starts to gently circle your clit while his fingers continue stretching you out.

“Joel, please.”

It’s all you can repeat. Begging that he take mercy on you and forget the studying, and just fuck you senseless already.

“Nuh-uh baby, answer the question.” His grip around your throat tightens ever so slightly as he encourages you again.

Swallowing as best as you can while the warmth of his palm bleeds through your skin, you try to think of the answer. But all you can feel is the heat simmering in your belly, the dampness of the sheets beneath you from all the arousal seeping out of your cunt.

“Interrater r-reliability is a measure of val-lidity-”

Joel clicks his tongue and removes his thumb from your clit. You whimper as your hips rise up, chasing his touch.

“Mm, not quite darlin.’ Try again.”

Your brain flounders, unable to conjure up any images of your cheat sheet or study material. The only thing keeping you tethered to reality is the warmth emanating from his large frame caging in your body, and his fingertips pressed into the sides of your throat.

He lets up slightly around your neck, as you pant and bite your lip.

“Inter-rater r-reliability, is a measure of consistency, or the d-degree of agreement between different people -fuck, observing the s-same thing.” The last couple words fade out as he starts running his fingers soothingly up and down the sides of your neck.

“There you go baby,” he purrs. “Very good, so fucking good for me.”

Immediately, his hand slithers around your neck again as his grip gets tighter and tighter, till you’re gasping. Euphoria floods your brain. A gush of wetness seeps out around Joe’s fingers that are still buried in your cunt as you clench hard around him.

You grasp at the sheets, grasp at the hand wrapped around your neck as you writhe underneath him incessantly, your mouth falling open as you try to say his name again.

Growling at the way your body responds to him instantly, Joel’s fingers inside you pick up their pace, thrusting into you and snapping up against that spot that makes you go cross-eyed. His thumb presses down against your clit as he starts to circle it quickly.

“Did so well baby. So fucking smart, and good for me.” His lips curl as he bares his teeth at you.

You’ve never felt smaller in your life. Never felt more aroused. You want him to swallow you whole and wreck you. Then put you back together how he sees fit.

Your lips try to press together, forming the ‘p’ in ‘please’ as you go to beg him for release again. Watching your eyes glaze over, he nods in response.

“Go ahead babygirl, can feel you squeezing me so fuckin' hard. That tight little pussy is drooling, begging for release.”

He leans over you, till his lips are right beside your ear.

"Cum all over my fucking hand and I’ll pound that pretty pussy from behind till you can’t see straight, make you watch in the mirror.”

That’s all it takes. His filthy fucking mouth unraveling your body while his hands break you apart.

All the heat in your body pinpoints towards your core, as you feel your toes start to curl and your eyes roll back as your cunt tightens around his fingers. The coil deep inside you snaps as he lets off your neck, and you cry out, your orgasm washing over you in waves.

It’s searing, white hot euphoria. Endless ecstasy coursing through your veins as your body locks up and convulses, your pussy gushing around him. His fingers don’t slow down, fucking you through it as you arch off the bed, gripping the sheets with white knuckles, wailing his name as if it’s the only answer.

Forget the studying, forget school, forget anything.

Just Joel.

“There you fuckin’ go.” He murmurs in awe, mesmerized at you falling apart for him.

“My good fucking girl, came so hard. So fucking wet for me.”

He presses soft kisses all over your face, your neck, your chest while murmuring more praise. Pulling his soaked fingers out as your body still shakes with aftershocks, he sucks them into his mouth, his eyes falling shut.

You mewl at the sight and let your head thunk against the pillow.

You feel drained. Flattened. Exhausted in the best possible way.

He rests his head on your tummy, looking up at you with adoration. Like you captured the fucking moon for him.

The hunger in his eye is gone, the depth of his chocolate brown irises replaced with warmth and love. Rubbing his hands up and down your sides and kissing the softness of your skin, he checks in with you.

“Holy fuck,” You huff out as you will your breathing to slow down.

He chuckles, the crinkles around his eyes deepen.

“How was that?”

“Well, I’m not gonna be able to conjure up the definition for statistical significance or interrater reliability without remembering your fingers deep inside my pussy.”

You reach down and bury your hands into the soft mop of curls, trailing them down to caress his jaw. You trace the patchy scruff of his beard as Joel turns his head to press his lips against your fingertips.

“But it certainly is a memorable study method.

You flash him a tired smile. "I’m a big fan”

Sweat beads at your hairline as you feel your hair plastered to your forehead, yet he looks at you with same intensity and adoration.

“I’m glad I could help darlin.’ If you can stand my distractions, I have no doubt you’ll ace the exam.”

Mischief laces his tone as he leans up and over you to kiss your forehead. Moving down, kissing your cheek, your lips, his lips brush your pulse point as he licks and nibbles.

You whimper helplessly and tilt your head, giving him more access.

“We’ll see about that. I’m just lucky I have a very good study buddy”

“Oh we’re just getting started sugar,” he whispers in your ear. “That was just the first chapter of material, we got the rest of the textbook to cover, and the rest of the fuckin night.”

Goosebumps prickle across your skin as you shiver again, warmth flooding from your pussy. His fingers dip down, slipping through your folds as he feels how wet you are. He pulls his fingers up, watching the clear webbing of your arousal coat his fingers, as his eyes darken and his gaze flicks back to you.

“Get on your hands and knees for me.”

----------------------------------------------------------------------

A couple weeks later, you get your exam results through the mail. You passed with flying colours, although you’re not really sure how to be honest. But it doesn’t matter as you fling your arms around Joel’s neck, one hand clutching the ripped open envelope as he lifts you off your feet and swings you around, elated for your success.

Needless to say you don’t study by yourself again for future tests after that study session.

#joel miller x you #joel miller x reader #joel miller x female reader #joel miller x f!reader #joel miller smut #joel miller fanfiction #tlou fanfiction #joel miller fic

[beykhabarr]

Get a spine dev get a spine spinespinespine

#madiha is time you stop sabotaging your self and face what you fear you cant keep cowering behind like this #i wwnt him to stop saying thinfs like this to me #hah #i wish he was actually my older brother because i want him to hug me and tell me its okay #its so weird that everytime i feel like I'm hitting a new low he automatically reaches out #and given that he had no form of communication he just called #for the second time #and last time i was able to hold it in but today i just #cries lmao #and i was like sorry i dont want to make you uncomfortable he was like chalo oh badi mahrani ho tum pehli baar nahi ro rahi ho mere saamne #rotli kahinki #and i laughed #because dude fuck you i miss school and counselling sessions and him just looking at me and saying kyu madiha sahi bol raha hoon na main #the time he said if he ever had a daughter he'd want her to be like me #i hold that moment so close to my heart #i just okay im #i feel like its just because of my daddy issues ehe💀 #okay bye folks get yourself a theatre teacher/ social science teacher they're the best #byebegbeyebeye #also the fact that everyone knows me for not crying and he just #has seen me cry so many times #lmao #I MAKE FUN OF HIM FOR NOT KNOWING URDU SCRIPT #despite having studied the language so so closely #and ive called him a hypocrite and he just says you can teach me once you're in college im like you'll be in US by then and he is like haan #to #ans theb we just skip over the subject of the high probability that i won't ever see him again #how does he know that im in the dumps? i guess we'll never know

[whatdoeseverybodywant]

All Falls Down - Chapter 6

I do NOT give permission for my work to be translated or reposted on here or any other site, even if you give me credit. DO NOT REPOST MY FICS

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Series Masterlist

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“Go ‘head baby, cum on my fingers.” 

“Hey, you alright?” Kiyana jumped as she was forced out of her daydream. She snapped her head over to Josh who was standing in the doorway of their ensuite bathroom. “You been spacing out all day, you good?” He stepped closer to her, worry written all over his face. 

Since the ‘club incident’ she hadn’t been able to stop thinking about Joe and she felt like shit, because here she was mad and talking about divorcing her husband and she was no better than him. She had decided to keep what happened to herself. Even when Samara asked she kept quiet. 

She 100 percent did not mean for that to happen. Everything happened so fast, one minute she was drunk and dancing then next thing she knew she was getting fingered by her husband's cousin and she sobered up almost immediately. Kiyana had chalked it up to the fact that she and Joe were both drunk and that was that. They were drunk and clearly weren’t thinking straight.  She was drunk and if she was sober none of it would’ve happened. But, she couldn’t stop thinking about it. 

Her mind also kept going back to graduation night ever since Joe brought it up. And while yes, she and Joe did some things. She didn’t technically cheat on Josh- it was still wrong considering what happened between her and Joe took place 30 minutes after she broke up with Josh. But They were kids back then  and they both promised that neither one of them would ever bring it back up especially since she got back together with Josh the next day and not to mention the fact that Joe and Josh were family. 

“Key.” She jumped again and looked at Josh. Shit I spaced out again. She thought as she cleared her throat. 

“I’m fine. Are you ready?” She asked to which he nodded his head. “Okay, I'll meet you downstairs. He nodded again before hesitating as he took a step closer to her, bending down to place a kiss on her cheek but she moved back. Clearing her throat again, she turned back towards the mirror and finished doing her make-up. 

Josh had somehow secured them an emergency counseling session with the same counselor that tried to help his mom and dad before their divorce. The whole ride to Dr. Anderson’s office, Kiyana could feel Josh staring at her every so often and would try to place his hand on her thigh and she would fling his hand off of her. 

“Are you going to at least try and listen to what Dr. Anderson has to say?” He asked once he put the car in park and she inhaled a deep irritated breath. 

“I’m here aren’t I?” Was all she said before she exited the car, slamming the door behind her. 

Dr. Anderson stared at the couple in front of him. Kiyana had scooted herself all the way down to the other end of the couch and had basically tucked her body into herself. Her body language was telling Dr. Anderson that she didn’t want to be there and she would not be open to anything he had to say. While Josh on the other hand had a semi-relaxed posture, he was nervously  tapping his fingers on his knees but he was open and he wanted to see a change. 

Dr. Anderson cleared his throat, getting the attention of the two of them. “Thank you for coming.” 

“Thank you for seeing us on such short notice.” Josh said, wiping his hands on his pants. Dr. Anderson observed Kiyana roll her eyes. 

“Now, you told me a little bit over the phone.” He said, bringing his attention back over to Josh who nodded. “There was some infidelity?” Josh nodded again and Dr. Anderson hummed and wrote something down in his notebook. “From who?”  Josh cleared his throat and raised his hand tentatively. 

“I uh- I had a four month affair. But it’s over now and if I could I would go back and never give that woman the time of day.” 

Kiyana snorted and rolled her eyes. “So hearing that your husband just said that, how does that make you feel?” Kiyana shrugged. 

“I think he’s talking out his ass and I believe everything he’s going to say today will be a load of bullshit.” Dr. Anderson nodded again and wrote another note in his notebook. 

“Okay, so tell me how was your relationship before the cheating and were there any noticeable signs of the cheating?” Kiyana inhaled a deep breath and snuck a glance over at Josh who was already looking at her. How was their relationship?  

“It was normal I guess,” She shrugged. “I mean we were together since high school but I never thought that he would actually cheat on me, you know? We’ve had our problems in the past but it’s never led to anything like this.”  Josh felt like his heart was being ripped out his chest as he watched the tears trinkle out of her eyes. 

“Were there any noticeable signs of cheating?” Dr. Anderson asked again. 

“No,” Kiyana shook her head. “Everything remained the same. I had no reason to suspect that he was cheating.”

Josh sank lower in his seat as he listened to Kiyana tell Dr. Anderson how good their relationship used to be, the more he listened, the more he felt like complete shit. All he wanted was to forget about Shanté and move forward with his wife. Because if he was being completely honest,  He didn’t know how to live without Kiyana. So he hoped and prayed that this first session with Dr. Anderson would get them back on the right path. 

Shanté stared at the house in front of her, she could actually see herself living there when Josh got rid of Kiyana and their kids. Nikkita had told her this was a bad idea but obviously she didn’t listen. She wasn’t let Josh go without a fight. He had blocked her on almost everything and this was the next step. She needed him to see that they belonged together and that she was the right one for him.  She made sure her make up was right before stepping out of the car and walking up to the front door and knocked. 

Kiyana had just left the kitsch after making her and Trin a drink so she could tell Trin all about the counseling session when there was a knock at her front door. She and Trin had stayed back at the house with Kairo while Jon and Josh took Kamari and Kaiden with them to go get food. 

“Sis, you expecting someone?” Trin asked as her and Kiyana both looked in the direction of the door with confused looks on their faces. Kiyanna shook her head and placed both of their drinks on the coffee table before going to open the door. 

“Hi, can I help you?” Kiyana asked with a friendly smile, but that smile quickly vanished as the women in front of her seemed irritated by her presence. 

Shanté rolled her eyes when Kiyana opened the door. “Yeah, is Josh here?” She asked, crossing her over her chest and Kiyana felt her heart drop into her stomach. She took a good look at the woman and immediately knew this was who her husband had an affair with. 

Shanté had a smirk on her face now. “Yeah, you know who I am don’t you?” She asked cockilly, flipping her hair over her shoulder. She looked Kiyana up and down with a look of disgust on her face. This is what he had to come home to? No wonder he decided to cheat. Shanté thought. 

Kiyana closed her eyes and took a deep breath to calm herself down. “He ain’t here.” She tried to close the door in her face but Shanté pushed it back open. “Girl, i’m warning you, get the fuck outta here.” 

Shanté pouted. “Is that anyway to talk to your kids' step-mom?” She cackled and Kiyana snapped, she landed a perfect right hook on Shanté’s jaw, knocking the other woman down to the ground. Trinity came running towards the door when she heard the commotion. She pulled Kiyana behind her and glared at Shanté. Before she could say anything Josh’s car pulled into the driveway. He rushed out of the car and over to Kiyana who pushed him away from her and stomped into the house. 

“Hi baby,” Shanté said as she pulled herself up off the ground. “You miss me?” 

IM SORRY IF THIS SUCKS 😭

NEXT CHAPTER WILL BE BETTER I PROMISE 🤞🏽

FYI: Kamari is 6

Kaiden is 3

Kairo is 2 (almost 3) months.

#wwe #jey uso #jey uso x black reader #jey uso imagine #main event jey uso #jey uso x reader #jey uso smut #wwe x black reader #jey uso fanfic #jey uso fluff #jey uso fanfiction #jey uso x fem reader #jey uso x y/n #jey uso x oc #jey uso x you #wwe x fem reader #wwe x oc #wwe angst #wwe fanfiction #jey uso angst

[vampykween]

Crazy idea for toxic husband simon? Lets send them to couples counselling >:]

hehe i love this idea! sorry this took so long i pondered over how to write it, but i like how it turned out! these two deserve a brief reprieve from all the angst so enjoy this little glimmer of hope <3

“i still don’t think we need to do this, love” 

“so, you’ve said. can you please just go get the kids ready to leave, im not finished getting ready.” you mentally count down from ten while leaning over the bathroom sink attempting to finish up your makeup. you know by the time you hit ten, simon will have volleyed back some comment you’re in no mood to hear. 

“’s therapy, not a fashion show. dont even get why you’re getting dolled up anyway.” he’s unbelievably predictable. 

you roll your eyes and stare pointedly in his direction. “you know if you’re trying to convince me you still love me, you should try just saying ‘wow babe you look beautiful, of course i’ll get the kids ready’.” simon squints his eyes at you as if he’s actually considering what you’re saying, huffs, and stalks off in the direction of your daughters’ room. 

~ 

maybe your husband(?) was right, this does feel stupid. you two are sitting in a far too stuffy room with plain decorations, on a too-plush couch that makes you sink further with every movement. you don't even realize the therapist is asking you something until simon places a hand on your bouncing knee, stilling it to catch your attention. your heart shouldn’t stutter at the small display of affection, but simon hadn’t touched you in so long the touch melted the icy feelings you had towards him.

the session goes far better than you had expected. you didn’t think simon would open up much, but he was a lot more willing to admit his faults than you figured he’d be. you couldn’t help but stare at him incredulously, where was this man when you two were at home? when you were begging and pleading for help with literally any and everything? a part of you starts to feel bad when simon’s revealing his feelings of depression and worthlessness, not that you’re giving him a pass for the years of transgression, but once upon a time he was your soulmate and your heartbreaks knowing he was in so much pain.

maybe you didn’t see it because you were blinded by rage, or because you were so exhausted day in and day out, you didn’t have time to think of anything other than being a mom. you both come to the realization, with the therapist’s help of course, that you were both so eager to rush into life that you never stopped to consider what that would actually look like. you wanted a baby so badly that even when things started to snowball into madness you two convinced yourselves that this was just the way it was and that it had to be worth it somehow.

as you’re both walking back to the car, you leave feeling a whole lot lighter than when you went in. sure no major hurdles were cleared. you weren’t sure when you’d be able to kiss and love on your husband again without being confronted with everything he wasn’t doing, but you two are going to take it slow and learn to listen to each other. give and take. push and pull. as you slide into the passenger seat, simon tugs gently at one of your hands and interlocks his fingers with yours.

“i know i can’t take back the past, but i’m serious about changing. i want to be better for you, for us, and for our girls.”

you’re not sure what you had expected him to say, but his words have your breath caught in your throat. you distinctly remember a time when he promised he would be good to you, and he failed. you wanted to badly to believe him now, hearing the sincerity in his voice. warring between what the angry part of you wants to say and what the hopeful part of you wants to say, you land on a simple response of “okay”

“okay?”

“yes, okay. i’m not ready to forgive you yet and i don’t know when i ever will be. but i am saying that i will try.” his eyes lock with yours and you can see the emotion brewing in them, he doesn’t offer any words back. he simply squeezes your hand three times in quick succession. i love you. maybe just maybe things will work out this time.

#mic answers #mic writes #toxichusband!simon #toxichusband!ghost #simon ghost riley x reader #ghost x reader #simon riley x reader #simon ghost riley #simon ghost riley x f!reader

[sanjerina]

Not to go off, but:

- structural, racial, and financial inequalities make it next to impossible for some parents to parent effectively (because they’re working six jobs and/or are in prison and/or are chronically ill);

- their kids go to understaffed and underfunded schools who are expected to provide not just education but also child care, mentoring, mediation, and twelve other unfunded mandates to support their students;

- the kids wind up trying to parent themselves and counsel their friends in schools that are not following through on their IEPs, not providing effective classroom management, and not able to keep sufficient adults around for supervision — and schools are thence full of dysregulated children. many of them high as balls, who do not feel safe;

- and our health insurance companies give me and my colleagues in community mental health like 8-12 therapy sessions to fix alllll of that and refer them out to community supports that either don’t take public insurance or straight up don’t exist.

(Plus we still don’t agree on best practices for teaching people to safely use television and the internet, much less these damn smartphones, and our brains are still running hardware from 150,000 years before the Neolithic Revolution.)

So not to kvetch or anything? but I think the rich assholes who have been profiteering off of the aforementioned inequalities should be obligated to spend a few billion dollars to fund some smart people who have been trying to actually fix, like, literally any part of this.

I ranted yesterday at the end of this post about C-PTSD about the extensive damage chronic stress and chaos does to brains. We have set up a system in which this damage is almost unavoidable for a vast number of people, and it’s only snowballing out of control as the generational trauma continues to rack up. (This shit was already endemic when I was a kid, and I’m old enough to be some of these kids’ grandparents.)

We continue to ask more out of workers, more out of children, and more out of their schools, and while thank GOD people are finally talking openly about the impact on mental health, community mental health centers designed to patch you up and send you back for more systemic damage are … not gonna be enough.

Like, it’s something! Therapy will and can and does help! But if you are sensing the game is rigged, I am here to validate the shit out of that for you.

And yet. And yet. We go on. Gotta haul on that moral arc and bend it. 💛

#mental health #us education #late stage capitalism #systemic inequality #complex post traumatic stress disorder #children are people #so are parents #aunt sanj says touch grass drink water and take your damn meds

[cryoverkiltmilk]

The prosecution of the New Jersey Onceler is back underway. Viva la Tree Law!

KINNELON — A borough man who allegedly hired landscapers to cut down 32 of his neighbor's trees appeared in municipal court on Tuesday, in a dispute that has drawn "national and international" attention to the normally quiet Morris County town, according to the judge in the case.

With a discovery deadline of Aug. 31, Judge Andrew Wubbenhorst set a trial date of Sept. 22 for Denise Drive resident Grant Haber, who faces a trove of local ordinance violations for each of the trees cut down on the property of his next-door neighbor, Samih Shinway.

The case went mostly unnoticed by the public until a third court date last month, after a Twitter feed by a friend of the borough forester went viral. "Someone thought it would be a good idea to take the Zoom notice that was only intended for people who had involvement in the case and put it on social media," Wubbenhorst said Tuesday.

The judge said he was told that posting resulted in "hundreds of thousands of views, if not millions of views, and people trying to get into our [Zoom] court session, totally disrupting the court session," the judge said. "That's why we're here today in person."

Some of the people who were able to log into the conference, Wubbenhorst said, "were trying to disrupt and were actually very abusive and insulting to the court. Seeing that this case apparently has gotten not only national but international notoriety, I don't really think it's fair to the defendants and their counsel to have such interruptions and confusion in a virtual setting."

Prosecutor Kim Kassar said he needed more time to consult with expert witnesses before discovery could begin. Wubbenhorst, noting the volume of charges and public attention involved, cleared Tuesday's court calendar to focus on this case.

Only one of the charges is considered a criminal offense, in this case an alleged violation of a state statute "covering unlicensed entry of structures; defiant trespassing and peering into dwelling places."

Facing charges along with Haber are two tree service operators he hired: Ronald Fallas, doing business at Choco Tree Service in Newark, and Greg Brancaleone of Father & Son Tree Service in Kinnelon. All of the defendants were represented by attorneys who declined comment.

Cleared for a view?

Shinway, Haber's neighbor, said he took the woods on his property seriously: Before the tree-cutting incident, he'd retained the services of an arborist to help keep the forest healthy, he said. But on Feb. 27, Shinway said, he came home to the sound of chainsaws coming from the back of his land. He had to use an ATV to reach the site where the trees had been cut. Oaks and birch trees were among the targets of the landscapers, who stopped after Shinway confronted them and called the police, he said.

Shinway said the workers told him they had been hired to remove the trees to improve the area's view of the surrounding valleys and New York City.

When Shinway asked why they ignored the "No Trespassing" signs posted around his property, they responded that they had been told that the property's owner had given permission for the work.

Potential fines

Haber and the landscapers each face up to a $1,000 fine per tree. The additional cost to clear, replant and fully rehabilitate the land was reportedly estimated by a local tree expert to possibly be more than $1 million.

Both the Haber and Shinway properties include luxury homes on seven-acre, mostly wooded lots where trees limit backyard views of the New York City skyline and a nearby reservoir. Shinway speculated the motivation for the tree-culling may have been for "a better view."

Shinway said both properties are among the many million-dollar homes in the wealthy, heavily forested suburb of New York City, 33 miles from midtown Manhattan. He said the only contact he had with Haber prior to the tree-cutting was to discuss a fence on the Haber property he believed crossed onto his land.

"I just let it go," Shinway said, adding he did post "no trespassing" signs on his property after that.

One of the trees cut down had such a sign still affixed to it, he added. The cut trees also included oaks, hickory, birch and cherry, Shimway said.

A typed response

Shinway said after the incident, Haber sent him a typed letter that in his view fell short of an apology.

"It was impersonal," he said of the letter. "Stating they love nature, it wasn't done maliciously and the tree company that did it, the person was ill, and everybody's got families, something along those lines."

Shinway said he has not yet retained an attorney or considered filing a civil suit.

In-person, the court session only drew a small group of media and about a dozen residents, many of who were angry about what they said was the township's poor stewardship of their forested areas, claiming authorities had given tree-removal approvals to many property owners in violation of local ordinances.

"Look at all the trees being cut down for views of the Kakeout Reservoir, New York City, bigger toxic lawns, pools and whatever pleases us," said 54-year Kinnelon resident Mary Derstine before the hearing began. "I hope and pray we wake up in time so our children and future generations can know what a tree looks like, can breathe and have food to eat. Politicians, corporations and greed must not destroy our living planet."

#tree law #kinnelon #kinnelon nj #trees #new jersey #nj #evolving situation #unfolding situation #legal drama #tree drama

[heavyhitterheaux]

Three Little Loves: The Birth of the Triple Threat Harlows

First Babies of Private Garden Fic

AN: Mature topics ahead. There are mentions of blood, chest compressions, death and other medical terms that I did my best to put in layman's terms so that people would be able to understand. If anything is unclear, all you have to do is ask and I will explain it! I hope you all enjoy this as much as I enjoyed writing it and we're finally here!

Synopsis: You give birth to your three babies, Ivy, Axel, and Autumn, but not without complications that led Jack to think he would have to be without his wife for the rest of his life.

Pairing: Husband!Jack Harlow x Wife!Reader

First Babies of Private Garden Masterlist

Please Do Not Repost My Content Anywhere

The night was clear as a few stars peppered the sky as you were sitting outside in the backyard in a comfortable silence taking it all in. In just a few hours, you and Jack would be able to officially add the title of parents to your lives and the two of you would now be responsible for three little versions of the both of you.

It was a long time coming with the pregnancy and the two of you at first swept things under the rug and put them to the side regarding the both of you and the relationship between the two of you that was considered a marriage if anyone could call it that.

Being petty, lying to each other, going behind each other’s backs, and not being considerate of the other’s feelings was just a tip of the iceberg of what had only occurred in the past year when Jack’s career truly skyrocketed from his success of First Class. You kept it to yourself how it bothered you how he was acting differently and blamed it on him being under pressure to maintain this level of success. However you did warn him right before the two of you moved to Atlanta for him never to lose sight of his humble beginnings and to never forget how he got to where he is.

During the last half of your pregnancy, the two of you did start to go to marriage counseling as well as seeing a therapist together and apart not wanting to bring the triplets into a hot mess express. The two of you still had a long way to go and truth be told, you knew that you never wanted to do this with anyone else despite what the two of you had gone through. You had a lingering thought in your head during the last therapy session wondering if in fact the two of you got married entirely too early even if you knew that it was eventually going to happen anyway. Yes, you loved him and you knew that he was your soulmate, however, it happened when the two of you had turned nineteen not even being able to explore the world around you yet and you had a feeling that had a big part to play in it.

After you had left Jack in your shared condo in California and before you found out you were pregnant, you were thinking long and hard about separating from him for a while. 

Legally. 

You knew in your heart of hearts that you didn’t want to divorce him and would never bring yourself to do it, but you felt that as of lately, you were always getting the short end of the stick when it came to him, when before you would always be his priority. You could admit to yourself that you weren’t innocent either in all of this and Jack was not the only one to be blamed for what went down between the two of you. A lot had to be worked on from both ends and you wanted for your kids to be able to witness a happy and successful marriage.

Right now you couldn’t have either of those labels on it.

Jack stepped up into high gear when you told him that you were in fact pregnant and would do anything that a loving husband would. However, you didn’t feel as though he was hiding something from you, that wasn’t quite the right word, but you knew deep down he was scared shitless and had his concerns about this entire situation. However, he didn’t express his feelings about it to you at all since you originally told him. He gave you pieces here and there, but that was it. 

Another thought was Jack always wanting and needing to be the strong one and not necessarily showing his vulnerable side to you and you didn’t know when that shift happened because the two of you would always be laying in your backyard at night talking about anything and everything and now it seems as if everything is on the surface. 

You honestly didn’t know how your husband was feeling deep down and that bothered you to no end. He would simply brush you off when you mentioned it and you were running out of ideas in order to get him to open up more. 

It was one in the morning and your alarm as well as Jack's was set for five in order to get up and get ready to head to the hospital. You were growing anxious as the clock ticked by and just wanted to be able to hold them.

Yesterday, you cornered Urban in his room and had a long talk with him that led to the both of you being upset. Urban more so than you because of what you had told him.

You softened him up by buying him Ramen before the initial blow.

“Urby? You have to promise me something, okay? Just in case things don’t go well tomorrow.”

“What? What the hell is that even supposed to mean?!”

“Urby, please. Just listen to me because this is already hard enough.” You muttered while sitting next to him on his bed.

“Okay, I’m listening.”

“I… I’ve written letters for Jack, the triplets, you and all of PG, my parents, my sister, Jess, Blanca, Victoria, and Diamonte if anything were to happen to me and you cannot under any circumstance open it unless something does. I wanted to give them to you because… Jack…. I don’t understand where his head is at the moment and I know he’s scared even if he doesn’t admit it. I know he’s putting on a brave face, but he’s scared of losing me and for good reason. I mean…. I couldn’t have this conversation with him without him going off the deep end so I knew that I had to come to you. Now, if it comes down to saving me or them….”

Urban immediately cut you off.

“No. Absolutely not, I can’t…. I don’t want to hear this.” You could see Urban getting visibly upset and you were also doing your best not to cry.

“Urban Henry, please. I know that this is hard to hear, but I have to be realistic. If anything were to happen to me, I know for a fact that you will raise them as if they were your own and help Jack to the best of your ability. We picked you to be their Godfather for a reason. But save them over me. They deserve to have a chance to live.”

“You aren’t… you aren’t going anywhere, okay? You’re not.” Urban quietly said and was trying to do his best not to let the tears fall since you saw that his eyes were watering. 

“Don’t cry because then I’m going to start crying and Jack will then question both of us.”

“How can I not? I don’t want to think of losing one of my best friends in the entire world.”

“I know, but you know that I am always going to look over you and protect you, right? That’s never ever going to change whether I’m physically here or not. So here are the letters and this is between me and you and you cannot tell Jack unless you know… something happens.”

“Now if nothing happens, are you going to tell him?”

“I haven’t decided yet, but it would be smart if I did. I love you so so much and thank you for all that you do for the both of us.” You said while leaning over to hug Urban as much as your stomach would allow.

“Love you too and you better not fucking leave me.”

You heard the sliding glass door open and footsteps which you knew belonged to your husband who came and sat next to you while grabbing your hand in his.

“What are you doing up?” He quietly asked while kissing your cheek as you still had your gaze held onto the sky.

“I can’t sleep, but that isn’t anything new.” You replied while shrugging and Jack started rubbing small circles on the back of your hand that he was holding.

“Everything is going to be okay, baby. We’re almost there.”

“But you don’t know that. I don’t mean to be negative or anything like that but it’s true. There’s not one baby in there, there’s three. Things can go wrong even if there's only one.”

“And you have the best possible team of doctors looking after you and I have made sure of it. You’re going to get the best care and have been getting it this entire time.”

“Promise me something.” You quietly said after a few minutes.

“What is it?”

“And don’t fight me on this. I figured that I needed to tell you this before they cut me open.”

“Baby, you’re making me nervous.” Jack quietly said while looking over at you and from that point you knew that you couldn't tell him about the letters. Not yet anyway.

Now you were hesitant to even say anything about it since you know Jack likes to worry 90% of the time and probably wouldn’t be able to go back to sleep after this.

“Can you make sure you have my favorite pizza and Calypso ready to eat afterwards?”

Jack left out a small laugh before nodding his head and leaning over to kiss your cheek.

“Of course, baby. Your wish is my command. Anything you want or need, you know that I’m going to do it for you. That's not ever going to change."

“I appreciate you for that.”

Jack placed another kiss on your cheek before responding.

“Hey, you want to find our stars? It’s been a while since we looked at them.”

One thing that drew Jack to you was how smart you were and your obsession with all things space related. He was convinced that if you weren’t doing music that you would probably work for NASA.

You eagerly nodded as Jack went to go and get the telescope and you stood up as best you could waiting for him to come back.

Once he did, he set everything up and pulled out the little paper that had both of your stars on it that you gave to each other when he first asked you to be his girlfriend when the two of you were fifteen.

“Can you find it or do you need my help like always?” You playfully asked him and he simply shook his head and laughed at you.

“I got this baby.”

“You sure about that because you are definitely looking in the wrong direction.”

“Oh. Then maybe I do.” Jack quietly said before you laughed at him and quickly pointed the telescope in the right direction and zoomed in on his star.

“There it is.” You said backing away from the telescope in order to give Jack enough room to look through it and see his star.

“We should get the three of them one too.”

You quickly nodded in agreement and rubbed your belly at the thought of being able to teach them all that you knew about space and show them the stars that you and Jack are going to name after them.

Then it was time for you to find yours and all you had to do was move the telescope slightly to your right.

“Still as bright as the first time I saw it.” You quietly said as you felt Jack behind you.

“Still as bright as the love that I have for you when I first came up with the idea to get it for you.”

“And I hope that your love for me never dims.” You muttered in response, not sure if Jack had heard you, but he did.

“Why would you ever think that?”

“Just… this past year neither of us have truly been all in when it came to this marriage and all of a sudden I get pregnant when we weren’t even on the best terms. I feel that we still aren’t, but it’s moving in the right direction.”

"I…. I can admit that what happened shouldn't have happened and I'll be making that up to you for the rest of my life."

"It goes both ways because it wasn't only your fault but mine too."

"From this point forward, that is never going to happen again. I treated you as if you weren't my priority when you are. I promised to always take care of you when I asked you to marry me and I've fallen short of that. I just want us to get back to how we were before."

"As long as we work at it, we will." You quietly answered as Jack leaned down to kiss you.

"I love you. More than anything in this world."

"I love you too." You replied in response as you hugged him tighter. 

"Now let's get some sleep because you know we probably won't get any quality sleep until they're eighteen."

"You mean the rest of our lives as bad as you like to worry and make me worry with you."

"I figured I'd get an early start. And you know I always worry about you and that won't ever change."

"Baby, you already have gray hair so I'm going to need for you to cut it out."

"Ehh, no promises."

—

You were now being prepped in the operating room as Jack was sitting to the left of you and you had to admit that he looked very cute in his little blue bonnet with a few curls sticking out and blue scrubs that the staff had given them to wear.

Your anxiety was at an all time high and you were doing your best to calm your breathing as Jack was holding your hand.

“What if I feel them cutting me?” You asked as your eyes went wide and looked over at your husband who simply shook his head.

“They have done this a million times and know what they are doing.” Jack answered as he leaned down to kiss your forehead and you nodded.

“The only thing you’ll feel Mrs. Harlow is pressure on your stomach and that’s it. We have everything set up for them once they are out and you already know that they will be in the NICU just to give them the little extra help that they need in order for them to be strong enough to come home.”

“Okay.” You quietly said as you held Jack’s hand tighter. 

“Okay! Here we go!”

You glanced at the clock in the room to see that it was 7:19 am and that was when the first incision was made. 

As promised, you didn’t feel anything except pressure as Jack was being the most supportive husband that you could have ever asked for and helped to keep you calm. After the two of you finally went to bed early that morning, he simply laid there staring at the ceiling absolutely scared shitless about what was due to happen in a few hours as he watched you sleep peacefully which he was surprised by seeing as this was probably the most you had gotten in weeks.

“You got this, baby. They’re almost here.”

“First baby is out! It’s a girl! Here mom and dad. Look how gorgeous she is." One of the nurses came to the head of the bed where the two of you were and the two of you couldn’t do anything but smile. You heard her cry and couldn't help but let a few tears slip out.

“Ivy May.” You and Jack said at the exact same time while laughing. It was only right to name her after both of your mothers seeing as how big of an influence that they had on the both of you.

She was then whisked away to get evaluated by the NICU nurse to make sure she was indeed stable as you then became nervous because of what was said. 

“Number two is out. It’s a boy!”

The one thing that you were listening out for was his cry and when you didn’t hear anything you started to panic.

“Why is he not crying?!” You asked while turning towards Jack who then got a terrified look on his face.

“Breathe for me, okay. Take some deep breaths. Slowly in and out.” Jack said and you followed his instructions as best as you could when suddenly you heard Axel's first cry.

“Thank God.”

“He’s not breathing too well on his own so we’re going to intubate him and take him upstairs.”

Neither you or Jack got to see Axel as he was whisked away to the NICU and you were trying your best not to think the absolute worst. Jack could see the absolute fear in your eyes and was trying to put on a brave face for the both of you. 

“And here comes number three! It’s a girl! You did an amazing job mom! Going to close you up and get you to postpartum.”

“I told you everything would be fine, babe. I have one bad ass wife. Three at one time? Your fave could never.” Jack said and you immediately laughed as he leaned over to kiss you.

You weren’t sure how long it would take in order to stitch you back up, but more than a few minutes had passed and you were growing nervous but tried to relax seeing as the hardest part was over.

At least you thought it was. 

Even though you were laying down, you suddenly felt lightheaded and knew that something wasn't right and Jack immediately took notice since you weren’t interacting with him as much as before. 

“Baby? Babe? Y/N? What’s wrong?” He asked suddenly in a panic. You were trying to do your best to talk in order to respond to him, but nothing was coming out but you eventually managed to utter a few words.

"Something isn't right."

"What's not right?!" He immediately asked you, but you didn't say anything else.

“Y/N! Why is she not answering me?!” Jack turned to the nurses and doctors looking for answers as they now shared looks of panic between them even if they were trying to do their best hiding it from Jack. They were professionals and the last thing they would ever want is to cause fear, but their job description required them to be honest. 

"Mrs. Harlow, try to stay awake for me."

“She’s losing a lot of blood, her uterus isn’t contracting as much as we want it to so we’re giving her drugs in order to help speed up the process.”

“Hang O neg now and hang the fluids wide open. Call the blood bank for more units just in case STAT.”

That was the last thing that you remember hearing before your hand went limp in Jack’s.

The heart monitor that you were hooked up to flatlined and Jack’s eyes went wide.

"I LOST HER PULSE!"

“No, no this cannot be happening…. no.” Was all Jack quietly said as he looked at you in disbelief.

“Start compressions."

"Someone get the defibrillator!"

“She’s losing a lot of blood.”

“Mr. Harlow, your wife’s heart has stopped and we’re trying to get her back, now go with Andrew and let us work. We’re going to do all that we can in order for her to be able to see her triplets grow up.” One of the nurses said to Jack and she maneuvered him away from you as he saw them pounding on your chest.

"GET THE EPINEPHRINE READY."

"PULSE CHECK!"

"I DON’T FEEL ANYTHING."

"RESUME COMPRESSIONS."

“INTUBATE HER NOW!”

Once Jack was out in the hallway, he simply had tunnel vision and was trying to keep himself together and not have a panic attack. In that moment, he knew he had to call her thinking the absolute worst.

He was about to be a widow at 25 with newborn triplets. 

“Mom, Y/N’s heart stopped. I don’t… I don’t know if she’s going to make it.”

—

When your eyes fluttered open, you were confused about where you were or what had happened and the fact that you noticed that you couldn’t talk. Your eyes went wide and immediately started to pull at every tube covering your face, but a gentle hand stopped you.

“Hi Y/N. You’re okay sweetie, but I need you to relax for a second. You’re in the intensive care unit because you bled out after they delivered your babies and your heart stopped. They put a breathing tube down your throat in order to protect your airway. I’m your nurse, Lydia and I’ve been taking care of you for the last two days. Your babies are in the NICU and your husband is there with them now. He has only left your side to go and see them and then he’s right back here waiting for you to wake up. I finally convinced him to go home and rest and he finally did yesterday when I had finished my shift. You have an amazing husband and support team that is out of this world. We’ll get you situated and see about taking you to see them.”

When Lydia finished, you couldn’t help but to still have a thousand questions run through your mind and a few tears slip out.

How were the triplets since you only saw them for mere seconds as they were whisked away from you to go straight to the NICU even though your doctor had already told you that would be the case. You were most concerned about if their breathing was okay. You didn’t even get to see Axel since you remembered them saying that they needed to intubate him immediately when he came out. 

You couldn’t even imagine how Jack was for the past few days and that hurt your heart to no end not knowing if his wife was going to live or not. 

“They have one strong mama and your husband has one strong wife. You fought tooth and nail in order to get back to them.” Lydia quietly said as she wiped away your tears.

“I’m going to go get the doctor so we can see about taking the breathing tube out. I will be right back and your husband should be back soon.”

All you could do was nod as she left the room and as promised, less than ten minutes later you had dozed off once again and suddenly heard Jack’s footsteps. You peeked your eyes open to see him carrying a huge bear and setting it in the corner before coming over to you.

As soon as he was within reach, you grabbed his hand and squeezed it as tight as you could startling him.

“Baby! You’re okay… I…..” Jack started to say as he leaned over to kiss the top of your head and give you a hug as best as he could with all the different equipment in the way.

You lost count of how many kisses he placed over your face, but of course you didn’t care.

“I thought that I was going to lose you. Your heart stopped twice." Jack quietly said through his tears and you couldn’t help but to start crying again yourself. 

“One minute you were talking to me and then I don’t even know what happened. Despite everything that has happened in the past year, you know for a damn fact that I don’t want to be in this life without you. I love you more than I can even put into words. And what we made are absolutely beautiful. Ivy is doing okay, but still on oxygen and all three are in the incubator. Axel still has the breathing tube and Autumn is the feisty one that keeps taking the oxygen off. I’ve been going back and forth between you and them since everything happened.”

You saw Lydia come back in the room with who you assumed was the doctor and she was all smiles which indicated to you that you were about to get this tube out of your throat.

“Okay we're going to turn off the ventilator and I'm going to suction your mouth for any mucus or anything. Once we take out the tube, we need you to take a deep breath. It's going to feel weird since now you have to breathe on your own after four days."

You simply looked over at Jack and he nodded his head.

You had missed the first four days of your triplets life and would never be able to get that back. 

Once the tube was out you were finally able to take a deep breath and as Lydia told you it felt weird as if you weren't getting enough air.

"We're going to put you on high flow oxygen and then eventually decrease you down until you don't need it anymore.

"Okay." You quietly said and it came out almost as a whisper, but Jack was just glad to hear your voice. 

They took your vitals and watched you for a few minutes before explaining that they would start you on liquids and you would eventually move up to a regular diet as soon as the speech therapist evaluated you.

When the two of them left the room, it was once again only you and Jack and he didn’t want to leave your sight.

He moved his chair closer to you as you reached over to play in his curls.

"I….read the letter you wrote for me. As soon as I told Urb what had happened, he didn't even hesitate to give it to me, not knowing how everything was going to play out. I’m not sure if he gave anyone else theirs or if he even read his, but he felt that it was important to read mine and for good reason.”

"The thought came to me to do it a few weeks ago."

“It’s almost like you knew.”

“I just thought it was important that I do it. Like I said one baby is dangerous but adding two more to that?”

“He also told me that if it came down to it, you wanted me to save them and not you.”

At that point you looked away from your husband and was now more interested in the pink and blue nail polish that was covering your fingers for your one boy and two girls. 

“I’ve lived already and they haven’t.”

“You’ve barely lived. You’re 24.”

“But still, I knew that as much as Urban didn’t want to hear that, he was going to be strong enough to fulfill my wishes if you weren’t. I knew that making that decision would be impossible for you so I asked him to do it. I know that you wouldn’t want to be without me but, I’ll be damned if you were going to lose another child. That would have broken you.”

“If it went either way it would have broken me. So I’m happy that I didn’t have to make that decision. I couldn’t imagine you going through this entire pregnancy and not even being able to see them grow up.”

“I know.” You quietly answered and immediately sighed. 

“What’s on your mind besides wanting to see them?”

“I’m just extremely overwhelmed. My body just went through a lot and I know it’s not ever going to be the same again. I mean it’s obvious that it never will be, but still.”

“And we’re going to get through this one day at a time. I will be with you every step of the way to help you through this. I love you and nothing is ever going to change that.”

“I love you too and thank you for that.”

“You don’t ever have to thank me for doing my job as your husband.” Jack softly answered you as he leaned over to kiss you and you couldn’t help but to smile. 

You heard a soft knock and in walked Lydia with the biggest smile on her face.

“Are you ready to see your triplets?”

You eagerly nodded as she walked over towards you to unhook you from your IV fluids and help you get in the wheelchair in order to take you over to see them.

You weren’t sure why, but now you had suddenly become nervous. Jack had already warned you that all three of them were in an incubator and Axel still had a breathing tube since he wasn’t able to breathe on his own quite yet. Even with all that he told you, you still didn’t feel ready, however, it was now or never. This was your reality and you had to see it through along with Jack. You felt as if your heart was about to beat out of your chest. 

Lydia grabbed a portable oxygen tank so that you would be able to keep it in your nose to help you get used to breathing on your own again while also giving you pain medicine since she knew your first time up was going to be the hardest. 

Once she was finished setting everything up, she helped you to sit and dangle on the side of the bed and you felt as if someone ripped you in half.

Well, they did.

Literally.

“Shit, this hurts.” You muttered and you weren’t quite sure where to pinpoint the pain, your chest from them doing compressions on you or your actual incision site.

“You did the hard part, mama. It’s going to hurt, no doubt about that but it will get better with the more that you move around. Sit there for a few seconds on the side of the bed before I help you over to the wheelchair.”

You nodded in response and did as you were told before she helped you to stand up and maneuver towards it praying that you wouldn’t suddenly get dizzy or lightheaded. 

Once you were settled, the three of you then made your way to the NICU.

It didn’t take long seeing as it was on the floor right below where you were in the intensive care unit right next to the postpartum unit where you were hoping to be soon once you were able to get a little bit stronger.

“And here we are. I know that they are just as excited to see you as you are to see them. They have the best doctors and nurses taking care of them. 

Upon arriving, Lydia explained the need to do a surgical scrub of your hands and arms before entering not wanting any unnecessary germs causing harm to any of the babies.

Once she wheeled you into the room with Jack following close behind, you immediately knew which three were yours even if you saw them for mere seconds and one of them you hadn’t seen at all.

You were in front of Axel first and saw his tiny body taking small breaths and took in the sight of his curly hair that resembled Jack’s.

So that definitely explained the heartburn that you had throughout the entire time that you were pregnant with them.

You looked to Lydia to see if it was okay if you reached your hand in to touch him and she simply nodded.

Once you did, he immediately grabbed a hold of your finger as if telling you that he was okay.

“You have to admit that we made some cute babies.” Jack said as he leaned down to whisper in your ear and you couldn’t help but laugh.

“True, but looking at Axel, I did most of the work.”

“I-... okay not arguing because I don’t want to end up sleeping on the couch.”

“Smart man.”

When Axel let your finger go, Ivy was next to him while Autumn was next to her on the end and looked over to see exactly what Jack was saying about her taking her oxygen off because she was fiddling with it. A few tears escaped, but you were in no way, shape, or form sad.

You were happy.

You lived to be able to see your triplets grow up and couldn’t wait to see what was in store for them and the amazing things that they would do.

“Babe, you okay?” Jack asked while peering down at you and seeing your face. 

This time there was absolutely no hesitation in your answer. 

“I’m more than okay, I’m happy.”

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#jack harlow #jack harlow fic #jack harlow fanfic #jack harlow x reader #jack harlow x black reader #jack harlow fluff #jack harlow imagine #jack harlow fanfiction

[pepprs]

goddddd. fell asleep in the middle of making a spreadsheet of like unhelpful reactions i have at work what i have learned from my family that informs those reactions and then what the actual truth is / why i don’t need to react that way or heed what ive learned at home. this after having a total fucking breakdown in front of * last night btw and sobbing uncontrollably not even 15 minutes after we started talking LMFAOOOO and killing the vibe of the entire call and possibly our friendship. and i passed out and had two horrible fucking nightmares just now one about work and one about home and both of them combined touched on EVERY bad reaction / lesson ive learned was relevant and insidious because it was my own brain playing tricks on me and now jm awake but exhausted and crying in bed. lol

#purrs #this situation is so fucked up. this whole situation. it’s so fucked up now that i can’t find my way around it. and i have to fight like #hell to get around it and through it but i don’t have the strength right now. also i said it before but god it SUCKS that i don’t have #counseling rn bc if id had it this week i would have been able to get through all this shit better but now i feel myself sinking without her #lifesaver and the sessions weren’t even helpful all the time but it was SOMETHING and now im like fuck. i don’t have the strength to do thio #on my own right now i don’t think. i have so much to work through and don’t want to put it on anyone who knows me and has shared themselves #with me too bc it’s like how can this possibly compare.but that’s part of the bad lessons ive learned from home and they just run so deep #and idk how to fight them back. i just don’t. im so tired right now #delete later #ask to tag

[tennessoui]

wip wednesday ft guess the fic

Even if one were to offer to pay him a tremendous amount of credits, Anakin doesn’t think he’d be able to stop smiling.

It starts small and slow, spreading across his face lazily as he turns his head into the couch cushion, pushing his nose further into the fabric. He knows immediately that Obi-Wan has left him in his sleep, but his Force signature still lingers in the air around him—Anakin can feel it the way he used to be able to feel their bond —as if even as he was leaving, his master had stopped. Had hesitated.

The thought rests on his mind, comfortable and heavy like a blanket, and Anakin rolls over onto his stomach, arms raising up in a lazy stretch as he moves. The exhaustion he feels is bone-deep and a tidal wave that could pull him under. 

But it is so different from the sort of exhaustion that has dogged his steps since the war. He feels content, as if he is resting in the warmth of a sunbeam, as if he could stay here forever and be satisfied.

Obi-Wan will listen to him, he’s sure of it. Anakin knows he will. He will not accept the mission. He will come back to him, come back to these quarters, and they can try again. They can reschedule their counseling session—again—and they’ll both stay for the duration of it this time. They will. Obi-Wan listened to him about the food, Obi-Wan hugged him and then sat with him as he slept. 

Obi-Wan understands how much Anakin needs him to be careful, to be safe, to be healthy. So he will reject the mission he volunteered for, and he will come back to these rooms and they’ll muddle their way though how to make the abunelope—packed with the nutrients, good for the health of human hearts—taste good. 

And if they cannot, they will try again tomorrow. And the next day as well. 

Obi-Wan understands. Obi-Wan understands how much Anakin loves him. And he stayed anyway. He did not try to push space between them, he did not pull away from the ugliness of Anakin’s need.

In the arms of the ghost of Obi-Wan’s Force signature and the lingering golden-tinted contentment of his exhaustion, it is hard to remember why he had been so afraid in the first place. How had he ever doubted the love his master had for him? He had held him with just as much urgency, just as much need. His master loves him.

He turns his head to face the rest of the room and forces his eyes partially open. War won or not, he cannot spend all day lying around. There are ways he can busy himself, both at the Temple and outside it.

Through the crack in his eyes, he catches the sight of his discarded comm lighting up with an incoming message.

#wip wednesday #obikin #once again i have not closed any of my wip tabs #i have 7 open #anakin remember you have a wife challenge

[soracities]

"The thing about Glen is that, despite her offhand manner, she loves me. I know she’s only a cat. But it’s still love; animals, people. It’s unconditional, and it’s both the easiest and the hardest thing in the world.

Sometimes, after counselling sessions, I desperately wanted to buy vodka, lots of it, take it home and drink it down, but in the end I never did. I couldn’t, for lots of reasons, one of which was that, if I wasn’t fit to, then who would feed Glen? She isn’t able to take care of herself. She needs me.

It isn’t annoying, her need – it isn’t a burden. It’s a privilege. I’m responsible. I chose to put myself in a situation where I’m responsible. Wanting to look after her, a small, dependent, vulnerable creature, is innate, and I don’t even have to think about it. It’s like breathing."

Gail Honeyman, Eleanor Oliphant Is Completely Fine

#q #lit #quotes #literature #gail honeyman #eleanor oliphant is completely fine #devotionals #reading #contemporary lit #m #x

[thesith]

— Chapter One: Unorthodox

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The Force ached with emptiness around you. You were taught to not form attachments and that they lead you to the dark side, but how could you not when you’re living with someone, meditating with them for hours on end, going to war with them by your side?

Losing her was like drowning - one minute you were breathing in the air around you, feeling the sun shining on your skin, the next you were pulled by an unyielding force into water and dragged beneath the surface, any remnants of the sun fading from view, the ocean nulling your senses.

The return to Coruscant was painful - you were leaving behind the closest thing you had to a parent on some backwater planet, teeming with Separatists and their army of droids. As the planet faded from view, you couldn’t help but breathe in the water that surrounded you- the first painful inhale of many.

Upon arrival, you were ushered from the landing pad into the temple toward the High Council room - a multitude of Jedi Masters and holos of those away greeted you, all holding the same look of despair.

“Padawan, we are sorry for your loss,” a holo of Ki-Adi Mundi began, “We understand losing your master is difficult. Counselling services will be offered by temple healers to assist in the healing process.”

Master Kenobi glanced at Master Mundi’s holo before turning to you, “Master Umbari was a dear friend and valiant warrior. Her efforts will not be in vain, nor will yours.”

“What happens now? Where do we go from here?” As a senior Padawan, you were sure they’d let you take the trials - a look from Master Windu was all it took to tell you that was not the plan.

“As we find a new Master to finish your training, you’ll be assigned to one of our clone units.”

A look of confusion crossed over your face, a clone unit?

“This unit is a special case, as are you,” Master Fisto started, looking between you and Master Yoda, “You are being assigned to Clone Force 99 - a four man squad with desirable enhancements.”

“Isn’t this unorthodox?” You questioned, looking around the room for an answer.

“Losing a master at this stage in a Padawan’s training is not common and usually we’d be able to find a master within days of passing, but circumstances are not the same as they were years ago. We’re fighting a war, Padawan. Jedi are scattered across the galaxy, and we need all capable hands on the front lines.”

The next few days were agonizingly slow. Sleeping in your quarters without your Master a room over, counselling sessions with healers, individual training - repetitive days, lonely nights.

When Master Yoda summoned you, you didn’t know what to expect. It wasn’t common to be summoned directly by the Grand Master, but you started to understand nothing was mundane in your life.

“Troubled, you are.” The green man greeted you, leaning on his walking stick, “Wondering why you are not to take the trials?” He motioned to a seat across from his own, which you gladly sat in.

“Yes, Master.”

“Think you are ready, we do not. Proven yourself to have much potential, you have, but finished your training, you have not.”

Later that day, you were escorted to an odd-looking ship with four men standing in front of it. A tall and skinny one with a toothpick in his mouth, one with the worst posture you’d ever seen holding a datapad, a larger one with a lot of muscle, and one with long hair and a bandana on his forehead.

“You our Jedi?” The one with the red bandana asked, eyeing your frame.

A scoff came from the man with a toothpick, “Of course they are, Hunter. Why else would they be standing here wearing that?” He pointed at your outfit with his toothpick - how odd.

You looked down at your robes before catching his scowling eyes.

“That is the customary garb of the Jedi, whose origins are dated to be from millennia ago.” The hunched figure addressed your outfit and returned to his datapad, not once meeting your eyes.

“Don’t’cha ever trip on those? They look flowy… and long. Dangerous if ya’ ask me.”

The leader placed a hand to his forehead and rubbed his temples, “Sorry ‘bout them. We don’t usually work with Jedi.” He looked up at you, “I’m Hunter. They’re Crosshair, Tech, and Wrecker.” He motioned to each member as he spoke their respective names.

“Clone Force 99, then?” You’d heard rumors of Clone Trooper 99’s heroic deeds from your old unit, “I like the 99. Nice touch.”

That earned you smiles from your new squadmates, which you took as a sign of appreciation. You introduced yourself before heading into your new ship, which was a big change from the Venator class you were used to. Oh, how you’d miss the Valiance.

“How’d you get stuck with us anyway? You piss someone off?” The one known as Crosshair asked with his arms crossed, toothpick sweeping in his mouth.

Your eyes quickly made their way to his tall stature, unknowingly narrowing in the process. “I don’t see how it’s any of your business.”

“Aw, sensitive subject?” He teased, “It is my business - you’re living on my ship with my squad.” He pushed, obviously wanting some sort of reaction - you refused to give him the satisfaction.

While crafting a retort, Hunter stepped in.

“Cut it out, Crosshair.” He used his authoritative tone to call his brother off, apologizing to you once the taller clone exited the room. “He has a thing for getting a rise out of people - don’t take it personally.”

“Note taken. Thanks for the warning.”

Hunter left for you to settle yourself into your new bunk, located right above Wrecker’s. It took you one night to notice why nobody’d taken residence above him before - his snoring was louder than a fully-grown rancor.

After finally getting to sleep by tuning out the snores and fixating on the calming lull of the ship’s engine, you were woken up by Hunter.

“Hey, it’s our shift.” He whispered to you, shaking your arm lightly.

It took everything in you to not shove his hand from your bicep and go back to sleep. Instead, you made your way down from your bunk, losing your footing on the landing. Hunter quickly placed a hand on your back and grabbed your shoulder to stabilize your body.

Once two feet were on the ground, you whispered a “thanks” and made your way to the cockpit, bidding a goodnight to an exhausted Tech. You took a seat in the co-pilot’s chair, leaving Hunter to sit next to you.

It felt like ages with no conversation before you spoke, breaking the silence. “Do you think it’s normal for Padawans to be sent with a special-ops squad? Jedi aren’t really known for going on covert missions - the lightsaber is kind’ve a dead giveaway.”

Hunter seemed surprised at your conversation starter and thought about your question, “I wouldn’t say abnormal, but unusual circumstances call for unusual resolutions.”

“Do you think it’s a bad thing?” You asked before quickly correcting yourself, “not that you guys are bad or anything!” You waved your hands, not wanting him to get the wrong impression. “Do you think it’s bad that I needed such a resolution? The Jedi don’t go off-book and this is everything but textbook.”

“No, I don’t think it’s bad. It’s just… different. Think of it as being sent on a mission - your mission for the time being is with us.”

The remainder of your shift the two of you engaged in small-talk - speculating about missions you’d be sent on along with their squad’s unorthodox techniques.

”The Council mentioned that your squad has enhancements - what exactly did they mean?” You asked, not understanding what makes them different from other clones (except for the obvious differences in appearance.)

“Crosshair has better-than perfect eyesight - he’s an incredible sniper. Can hit a target from 10 klicks away, if not further.” Hunter went on and explained the enhancements of his two other brothers as you intently listened.

“If Crosshair has good sight, Tech’s intelligent, and Wrecker is strong, what’s your enhancement?” You asked, realizing the Sergeant didn’t speak on his own abilities.

“I have enhanced senses.”

You deadpanned at his bare face, “That’s it? You explained the roles of the three others, but what about your own?”

“I can feel electromagnetic frequencies - Tech likes to say I’m more accurate than a map.” Hunter laughed to himself, “I’m like a tracker, hence my name.”

“I see. I thought you were going to say that patience is your enhancement - your crew seems… interesting.”

“Our crew.” He corrected you, “Any chance they told you what your rank is with us? In the GAR you’re a Commander, but we don’t really… adhere to the norms of other squads.”

You took a moment to think, “I’m actually not sure, but I know from our few conversations that I wouldn’t mind following you into battle. Even if I do technically outrank you.”

“And that makes you different from other Jedi. Most would be offended at being seemingly demoted, even more so by following a clone’s orders.” Hunter moved his gaze from your face to the stars you were passing by, taking in the view.

“This never gets old.”

Hunter looked toward the sleeping Omega before returning to the cockpit, settling in his seat next to Tech.

“What fantastical story are you feeding the child?” Tech asked, facing his newly-returned brother.

“The story of the Commander.”

#xena’s bedtime story #xena’s fics #the bad batch #bad batch #sw tbb #tbb #the bad batch x reader #the bad batch hunter x reader #tbb hunter x you #tbb hunter #tbb hunter x reader #the bad batch hunter