#ALSO LIKE.. I'm drunk so Feelings Are Easy to talk about rn
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Honey Bun (18+ Series)
(Aaron Hotchner x Stripper!Reader)
Part 1 // MINORS DNI
This first part is dedicated to @ssahotstuff for inspiring me <3 and to @hausofwhores who I first talked to about my idea hehe <3 <3
WC: 2.1k Words
Song Inspo: Gold Satin Dreamer - Nicole Dollanganger
Series Warnings: Eventual smut, bit of an age gap (placing reader at around 25-26), cursing, alcohol consumption, formalized sex work (Stripper/Pole Dancer), occasional angst, drama, and that's all I can think of rn but lmk if I missed anything!
A/N: Short and sweet intro! Things are gonna get very uhhh interesting from here on out ;) Enjoy some flirty Hotch, let me know your thoughts on this first part! I'm super excited to be writing this!!!! :)
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“Need a little sugar in your life, gentlemen? Well, get ready to make it rain on our sweetest girl, Honey Bun! Just remember, you may feast your eyes, but no touching!”
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Thursdays weren’t always so busy. Sure, there were a couple of party animals who liked to start the weekend early, but rarely at such capacity.
At least you were glad that Josephine was working with you that night. She made busy nights at the Duchess Tavern much more bearable. When you first started working there, she immediately took you under her wing, teaching you all the ropes.
She had a certain matronly quality about her — probably attributed to the fact she was twenty years older than you — but she was a real tough cookie, too. On countless occasions, she’d helped you deal with rowdy customers and drunk assholes. She rarely ever needed help from the bouncers to break bar fights, she cursed like a sailor, and she also made the meanest Long Island Iced Tea you’d ever had.
You were certain that if it weren’t for her, you wouldn’t have lasted a week being a bartender.
“You’re lucky you’re off on weekends,” Josephine said as she poured a row of shots for a group of college-aged girls. “This here is light work compared to a Saturday night.”
“Well, it’s not like I’ll be getting a lot of rest…” you countered. “Dealing with the same sort of customers, too.”
“I don’t know, maybe I’m just getting too old for this shit,” she sighed heavily.
“Oh please, pigs will fly before the day good ole Josie O’Donnell actually retires.”
She laughed heartily, smacking your arm in a playful way. You couldn’t help but admire how hardworking she was. She’d been at this business for years, and it was certainly no easy place to be. She inspired you to stay driven, even when you felt at your lowest. She was the only one in this place you trusted with the knowledge of your other job. Not everyone was so understanding, and plus, it wasn’t really their business anyways.
Working two jobs was in no way easy, but it was definitely necessary. Especially considering you liked living a certain way. You barely had any free time to hang out with friends outside of work, much less meet people and go on dates. Though it’s not like you didn’t get hit on, at both of your jobs, but you just weren’t interested in any of them.
Rarely could anyone keep up with your schedule, especially considering your line of work. It was unsurprising, but you weren’t really phased by it anymore.You didn’t give yourself the time to feel lonely, and you had enough interactions during the day to compensate.
As the initial swell of patronage died down, you began wiping down the bar, absently humming to yourself. Def Leppard’s ‘Bringing on the Heartbreak’, one of your favorites, was playing on the speakers.
An older looking gentleman slid onto a barstool then. You offered him a drink menu, but he waved it off and ordered a scotch, neat. He pinched the bridge of his nose, letting out a long sigh, and his shoulders slumped as he crossed his arms over the bar top.
“Long day?” You asked, pouring his drink.
“You could say so,” he nodded wearily. “You know, I’ve always wondered, are bartenders required to ask that whenever they see a haggard-looking patron?”
You chuckled, sliding it towards him. “Only if we think we can help.”
A ghost of a smile was on his lips at that. You studied him more closely, trying to be subtle – He was strikingly handsome, with dark hair and thick dark eyebrows. He had a strong nose and a sharp, clean shaven jaw. His eyes were a piercing dark brown, and they drew your attention the most.
He took a sip of scotch, and there was something analytical in his gaze as he took you in, as well.
“Well, I guess you could say I’m a little bit of a workaholic,” he said.
You nodded in understanding. “A common affliction these days.”
“You, too?” He raised an eyebrow, and you shrugged as if to say what can you do?
“No offense, but I can’t imagine you love spending more time here than you need to.”
You raised both eyebrows at this, only half amused. He was wearing a nicely tailored suit, had an expensive watch on his wrist, and wasn’t ordering cheap drinks. The Duchess didn’t really seem like a place he’d hang out at, and yet…
“Hmm, well, I suppose the same could be said about you,” you countered, nonchalant.
“Touché,” he acquiesced with the smallest chuckle. “But I don’t know, maybe I should give it a chance. It’s…”
“Charming?” You offered.
“Yes, exactly.”
You excused yourself momentarily to attend to another customer. He looked around, but was clearly uninterested in talking to anyone else.
Josephine caught your eye and gave you an impressed look. She wagged her eyebrows suggestively and mouthed ‘get it’.
You rolled your eyes playfully, shaking your head a little. He was certainly very good looking, and flirting was pretty fun, but you weren’t sure if it should go any further than that.
When you returned, you refilled his glass, since he’d already polished off the first one.
“So, what’s your name?” You asked. “Or is it more fun to keep it anonymous?”
“I’ll tell you mine if you tell me yours.”
You thought about it for a moment, but then you relented, telling him your name.
“Some call me Honey, though,” you added.
He extended his hand out to you. “I’m Aaron Hotchner. It’s nice to meet you, Honey.”
You shook his hand, his long fingers basically engulfing yours. Something stirred low in your belly at this, your mind going straight to the gutter. As if he could tell, a smirk tugged at his lips.
“Boy, do I feel lucky to be the one getting your attention tonight,” he said.
“Why do you say that?”
“Those guys over there have been ogling you for some time now. They’re almost panting and salivating like dogs.”
You glanced in the direction he gestured towards, momentarily meeting two hungry gazes. You shrugged it off, so used to that sort of lascivious attention that you didn’t notice it anymore.
“Well, you approached me the right way,” you said, busying yourself by wiping down some glasses. “Some think it’s flattering to be looked at like that, but it’s really not.”
“I’m sorry about that,” he sympathized. “I get what you mean.”
“Oh, it must be so hard being so attractive, hmm?” You teased jokingly.
“So you think I’m attractive?”
You gave him a look that said are you serious?
“I mean, I don’t want to stroke your ego but… Yes, you really are.”
Aaron’s smirk only grew, perhaps feeling more bold now that he was on his second drink.
“For the record, I think you are very beautiful, but I am a man who knows who to appreciate beauty without needing to take some of it for himself.”
You looked back up at him then, momentarily stunned. Then you chuckled in slight disbelief, but also totally enthralled. Just who was this man?
You couldn’t remember the last time you’d held a conversation — less so one so genuinely riveting — with a single patron for this long. At least at this job, and especially for free.
You were even beginning to consider giving him your number, should he ask for it. But that was yet to be seen.
“I’m serious,” he said.
“Oh, I believe you,” you smirked in return, not letting on if you meant it or not.
The two of you held each other’s gazes for a charged moment, trying to get a better read of each other in the low light. You saw both mirth and earnestness in his eyes — but no trace of anything that should raise any flags — and you found yourself getting just a little more comfortable.
It was easy to talk to him, but he was still very much a stranger. You didn’t want to let yourself get too excited, but that didn’t mean you wouldn’t continue testing the waters. After all, he’d been pretty well behaved so far, and you always liked to reward good behavior.
Once more you had to pull yourself away to attend to someone, but at least the place was getting emptier as it got later. You could feel his gaze trailing you this time, and you glanced over your shoulder to send a wink his way.
“Psst,” Josephine hissed in your direction. “Why don’t you take fifteen? I’ve got things handled here.”
You hesitated. “Are you sure?”
“Of course I’m sure,” she scoffed. “Go on now, have a little fun.”
You waved her off, but smiled appreciatively. On your way to the other side of the bar, you grabbed yourself a beer and then plopped down on the stool next to Aaron’s. He turned to face you, his knees barely grazing yours. The small contact was innocent enough, but you still felt the smallest tingle down your spine. You clinked your bottle against his glass in a little toast.
“You were right, you know?” He said, looking at the side of your face as you drank. “You really are helping me feel better.”
“Aw shucks, that means I’m good at my job,” you said teasingly, which made him playfully roll his eyes.
“Tell me more about you. Why is it that they call you Honey?” he asked.
“Aren’t I sweet?” You pouted, pretending to be hurt.
He chuckled. “I think you are. Is that the whole reason?”
You nodded, omitting the fact that it also happened to be your stage name – Honey Bun. Sticky sweet; All satin and glitter and softness. Of course, that wasn’t the same you that was sitting across from him now.
“I think you have a very pretty name, too,” he leaned against the bar, resting his temple on his fist. “Is it too forward of me to ask to call you by it? Unless you prefer…”
You waved him off. “How can I decline when you ask so nicely?”
The two of you lost track of time as you continued talking and joking and teasing each other. Laughter seemed to come so easily around him, and there were virtually no awkward pauses between the two of you. It was almost too good to be true.
You told Aaron about some of the wilder things you’d witnessed working at the Duchess, looping Josephine into the conversation at one point. You never even noticed she didn’t call you back from your break, too absorbed in letting loose for once. Even if it was only for a little while, and not entirely.
Much too soon, last call was announced, and you realized that it was nearly two AM. Most people had left, and someone was sweeping as the tables were being stacked.
“Oh, wow, closing time,” you remarked. “I guess time does fly when you’re having fun, huh?”
You got up from your seat to start helping out, giving him a small, almost sheepish grin. You’d had a really nice time, but he was still a customer and couldn’t stick around as you wrapped up for the night. You tried to think of the nicest way to kick him out… even if a teenie tiny part of you didn’t want him to leave.
Aaron looked around as if coming out of a daze. He glanced at his watch and stood, gathering his things. “So it seems.”
“The Duchess just has that effect on people. I should have warned you.”
“I have to say, I think this place is growing on me,” he admitted. “Would you mind if I visited more often?”
“It’s a free country, you can do whatever you want,” you smiled, and in your smile there was an invitation— or perhaps a dare?
And in his, you could see that he was ready to take it.
Still, to your surprise and slight chagrin, he did not ask for your contact information. Perhaps it was his way of continuing to be respectful. Or maybe, this encounter had merely been a reprieve from the day to day for both of you. Nothing more.
For a moment, you wondered if things would have gone down differently had you met in the Crimson Lounge instead of the Duchess. The thought made a small thrill dance in your chest, but you tried not to chase it further. Of course things would have gone down differently. You probably wouldn’t have talked nearly as much.
So you took what you could get, blowing a flirty kiss in his direction as he departed. It was better not to get attached, anyway.
#aaron hotchner#criminal minds fanfiction#Aaron Hotchner series#aaron hotchner x fem!reader#aaron hotchner x stripper!reader#aaron hotchner angst#minors dni#ssa aaron hotchner
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Do you have any tips/resources on writing smut? I've never really written it, but I need to include a little in a fic I'm writing rn and yours is very good.
Anon! Thank you so much, this is Extremely flattering ❤️ Honestly, my #1 rule to Writing Smut is that actually anything can be hot if a scene is written to be arousing. It's all about the setup.
Some things that work for me:
EMOTIONS. ime, smut scenes should cause some level of emotional response in the reader. It can be the POV character experiencing strong feelings and that coming through in the narration; it can be a taboo or hard kink that’s enough to guarantee some kind of reaction; it can be an emotionally cathartic scene or character study through sex. It doesn’t have to be a lot! But there has to be Something that makes the reader invested, a takeaway that you couldn’t get from a purely objective description or looking at a picture.
FLOW. You’re either trying to make the reader horny and/or you’re trying to make them interested in what the characters are doing and feeling. Lean into that when crafting a scene! I find that varying the length of sentences in a paragraph helps (building up to a crescendo) and so does the deliberate use of terminology to set up a specific mood (more descriptive euphemisms vs. crude slang as the POV gets more overwhelmed, alternating lush prose and crass descriptors to create some contrast.)
CHARACTER-APPROPIATE VERBIAGE. This is a big one! There are NO forbidden smut words, actually. I have read super hot smut that hinged on the repeated use of some deeply unsexy terms. It’s ALL about the narrative voice. Try to construct a scene that’s immersive, with a narrative voice that suits the characters and the story, and the type of vocabulary that suits the POV and setting. Ime, anything and everything can be sexy if the mood is right. Yes, even the word “penis.” YES even funky euphemisms.
PURPOSE AND PACING. Why is the scene there? Try to strike a good balance between descriptions, feelings, and words. If the characters stop mid-sex to talk, it’d be harder to get back into a sexy mood (why I’ve been stuck on this one WIP for months. RIP) On the other hand, sometimes it’s fine to skip moments / descriptions, or even end the scene mid-sex.
(This is especially important in chaptered fics, in my experience. Sometimes there’s a long elaborate build-up to a get together and then all the emotions fizzle out during The Sex Chapter, or a plot-heavy story, and then the story slows down to fit in 3 orgasms per character. It’s fine, often better, to just stick to one orgasm, make it extra hot, and skim over the others)
WRITE DRUNK EDIT SOBER or any variant thereof. Write in comic sans and edit in times new roman. Write horny edits in public. It’s really easy to overthink smut and in my opinion, it Really helps to fully commit to a shitty first draft—no quibbling over word choices or positions; just don’t look at the screen and bang out 500 words. (Ah-ah, bang.) Write on your phone if you want! Put it away for a while then edit.
SMUT IS NOT SEX ED. Realism matters less than feelings do. I don't need to know every detail unless it's relevant to the development of the scene. Unless it’s something glaring like someone is suddenly naked or used soap as lube, no one is going to nitpick how realistic it is to hold X position for Y minutes or how many spankings a human being can endure. The scene works narratively >>> the scene can be recreated by random non-athletes having sex. It’s fic! If someone is taking it as a Guide To Sex that’s not on you.
Other resources: This is a good essay directly from 2005 era livejournal. Some posts about vocabulary: on kissing, smut thesaurus, more words! (use with caution, don't take anything as a hard rule etc.)
Also I just think I'm funny:
GOOD LUCK WRITING IT LMK HOW IT GOES
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cold hands, warm heart • l.s.m.
ok but i've always associated seokmin with warmth just bc of his personality and bc i want to believe he'd be absolutely delicious to cuddle with 😳
but like now i'm thinking what if he's like me? what if his hands are super cold. like you know the saying "cold hands, warm heart"? hm, ok, so stick w/ me. also idk what came over me. sorry! lmk if i need to add warnings cuz I'm just too lazy rn this is messily written hahaaa also here are some great pics (that aren't mine) thx to the bestie wife to quell your thirst and love (forgive) me for this :D also i have more thx to her (she's better than google lbr) so you can just ask us nicely ig :3 now i go back to finishing smth w/ mingyu 🤪 minors dni I'll eat you 😠
it's always a jolt to the system when his fingers touch any part of your body. some occasions are better than others, like when you're hot during the miserable summer days. he might be the worst bed buddy during winter (like let's not even talk about his cold feet under the blankets 😭) but ofc there are methods to dull the chilling sensation.
sometimes it's licking his fingers like a popsicle, swirling your warm tongue around his icy fingertips until he deems they are good enough to properly touch you. this prolly goes on for longer than needed. but when he's praising you the whole time, telling you how good you are for him and running his other hand down your cheek, it's hard not to suck on that one too.
but if he's feeling a lil mean, he's sliding a cold, long finger into any one of your warm holes with zero remorse. zero preparation. it doesn't matter how much you whine, if you're too whiny he's just gonna keep shoving another one in until you're completely filled up. by then his fingers will be nice and warm, he reckons.
occasionally you're concerned. like for his health. you ok, buddy? can he even feel his fingers? what if he has hypothermia or smth. ofc seokmin finds it endearing cuz there's always an easy excuse to hold hands. likes how you admire the veins decorating them.
if he's feeling a lil feisty, he'll slot one between your thighs when you're out with friends. not too indecently. just one hand casually splayed out on your thigh, the friend group making fun of his "possessiveness".
they tease how you're trembling faintly, familiar with seokmin's ice-cold hands on a number of rude pranks. you giggle along ofc to save face. mumbling smth abt how you're his personal handwarmer and everyone laughs at how cute the two of you are. Unbeknownst at how you actually do it.
bc you're recalling every other time his hand has been there. how it's trailed up to touch your clit. rub your folds. you're already aching and he hasn't done a single thing. but he knows. squeezing ever so gently, smiling at you innocently but you see that lil mischievous lip bite.
you know he's gonna take you home, hand never leaving that position the whole way back in his car. maybe he'll torture you even further by deciding to take the public transportation bc he's "too drunk" even though everyone has not seen him take a single sip of alcohol.
but he's definitely drunk on you. when you hide your face in his neck as his other hand slides under your blouse and you can already feel the goosebumps and your nipples perking up. it's a good thing you're wearing a padded bra or the nice old granny complimenting what a pretty couple you make is gonna think you're a pervert.
seokmin's not gonna do anything that exposes the two of you too much. he keeps his hand hidden down by your back, letting you smile and talk to the sweet old lady the whole ride home. no one notices how you're slightly shifting in your seat, pressed up as close as can be to his side when he naughtily cups your ass.
he only responds with polite hums and nods, a blinding smile when needed in the conversation. too busy dreaming about how wet your pretty lil cunt will be when you arrive at home. wondering if he'll be able to control himself long enough to undress and make it to the bedroom. he thinks not when he sees how much you're wobbling once you get off at the stop and you're not even wearing heels.
teasing you how he hardly did a thing. and you're just cutely glaring like you'll actually get mad at him. as if you could. bc he treats you so so nicely, instantly sliding into you the minute the door's closed to your cozy lil apartment. filling you up just like you wanted hours ago. thank god his dick is never cold.
it's sweet torture. at the restaurant, the barely-there-but-totally-enough foreplay, and the way he makes you feel so full. humiliatingly flattered when he lets out a swear word as you gaze up at him through half-lidded eyes, one finger in his mouth as he's pounding into you below. his other hand is clasped with yours, gently squeezing and truly intimate while the one that was in your mouth obscenely departs with a trail of saliva connected. the both of you groan when he uses another finger, one that's not warmed by you and bitterly cold, to rub against your clit.
he loves the lil hiss from your lips that are swollen from kissing and biting. adores the saturating wetness and heat that meets his fingertips below. mind-blown when you accept his finger back into your mouth to lick your own juices off of it.
you're perfect in every single way to him and he tells you in a low voice. praise upon praise falls from his lips until you shut him up with a hard kiss as you clench just as hard around his cock. letting him know with a breathless whisper that he's just as perfect. that sets off his release in you, a different warmth painting your insides. With a chuckle, he claims that he's just lucky. lucky to be with you.
his hands and feet are cold even after a hot shower. you grumble and complain that he is lucky you love him when he snuggles close, cuddles be damned if he's just gonna be an ice teddy bear. but there's no pushing away when he suggests you warm him up again and again and again.
yeah but don't worry, there's no way you're touching his feet up. ever.
onlyseokmins: cold hands, warm heart 2022 ©
#ez.creates#dk smut#dokyeom smut#seventeen smut#svt smut#seokmin smut#kpop smut#lee seokmin smut#Lee dokyeom smut#svt.smut
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I am drunk on ‘I connected the dots’ energy rn but like forgive the incoherency because I NEED TO SHARE— so I was staring at the posters again and my thought process was: first poster had a crack running through Claudia’s face + second poster has the crack running through Rayla’s face… So, what does a crack signify? Injury? Loss of self? And then it hit me like lightning.
Crack in face = split personality.
And so, my take on the fake Rayla theory is that fake Rayla is not fake at all, but real Rayla who is under the control of Claudia.
That’s why Rayla comes back to the castle so easily, without having killed Viren, looking relatively calm and collected and not very conflicted at all - which felt so odd to many because it felt so out of character for her self-loathing and self-sacrificial self. But you know who it does seem in character for? Claudia. Compare to the way Claudia acts with the boys after the first betrayal in s2. The easy way she talks to them, as if they’re still friends. The lack of guilt. The dark mage cloak.
That’s why Rayla looks real but her actions feel off. It’s her body, but Claudia’s controlling it.
That’s why the story can have Rayla reunite with the boys without making her leaving narratively pointless. Because Rayla is not coming back of her own free will, she’s still midst development arc with her incorrect beliefs. (And what better way to teach her a lesson about leaving her loved ones ostensibly to protect them, than to have her used against them?)
That’s why Callum’s emotions/words/actions on seeing her again won’t be wasted. Because Rayla will still be able to witness all of them, even if she can’t choose how her body responds.
That’s why the first thing we see her with is the cube, why we later see Callum clutching her sword. Because this is how Aaravos is choosing to use her, not an illusion, the real her, to lure Callum in.
I’m writing this on 0 hours of sleep after having the ‘crack face = split personality’ maybe-epiphany so I’m sure there are a dozen holes in this theory but damn if it’s not the only thing that I think makes total narrative sense for Rayla both coming back (physically) and not coming back (willingly) at the same time.
Listen I always love people coming into my inbox unhinged bc I feel like I'm always unhinged about this show, these days, and I deeply appreciate the solidarity. However I am nothing if not a nitpicker which is to say:
Rayla is nervous to see Callum, it's just not the closeup shot they chose
And Claudia did show remorse around the boys post-betrayal
I was reflecting on it today and I think I may have figured out why Rayla's come back (plot inciting incident wise that also works with everything characterization wise) that I'm going to make a larger post about after this or once I corral my thoughts about it, anyway.
But her absence is two-fold: it's the catalyst for both her emotional arc and a driving force behind Callum's, too. They both need to be resolved and be resolved together (pointedly because it was a separation, tbh).
The biggest narrative weight behind Rayla's absence has always been 1) the way reconnecting with Callum after will force her to reckon with the fucked up ways of thinking that led her to leave in the first place and 2) the emotional toll it's taken on Callum. Prior to this, one of his biggest motivations from S2 onwards was to not lose her (2x07 with dark magic, so much of S3 and the climax of arc 1 itself, TTM). Now he's lived through that. He's lost her once. I expect a decent amount of S4 to focus on what he's willing to do in order to not lose her again - and by exploring that, give her choice to leave the emotional weight it deserves, tbh
Because Rayla can still be used against her loved ones and still see Callum be put in danger because of her, and can still have her epiphanies, you know... if we go the CHET route
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TW: Vent; Father issues
He's an alcoholic and addicted to drugs and p*rn, and he's driven drunk several times, gotten several DUIs, and has been to jail several times because of it.
Me and my father have a love hate relationship. I haven't talked to him in two years, and I simultaneously never want to speak to him again, and I want to yell at him for how he's acted my whole life.
He ended up marrying someone (whom I refuse to call my step mother), roughly a year ago I believe. I only met her for three hours, in which she asked several questions about my school and personal life that I did not feel comfortable sharing.
Ever since then, he's been getting worse and worse, more recently stalking us, digging in our garbage, and possibly (meaning almost definitely) breaking into the house to steal things that belong to me. We put up cameras, and we're gonna build and put birdhouses on them to hide them. We're also planning on leaving and going to a hotel for a few days to see if we can catch him and his wife on camera.
It honestly hurts a lot.
When I was little, he was my whole world. I wasn't old enough to know what a dad was supposed to be like, nor did I second guess things. I'd have to fight for any kind of bonding time with him. I'd have to sit down next to him and watch whatever he was watching (It would typically be StarTrek, Stargate, or Mcgyver), or beg him to do what I wanted to do.
I didn't know it wasn't normal to do that. I didn't know Dad's were supposed to be actively trying to bond with their kids. I wasn't old enough to know what happened behind the scenes or who he was.
When my parents divorced when I was 9, I held high hopes. I hoped he would get better. I hoped things would be ok. I held onto false promises.
It got worse and worse as I got older. Broken promises built up over time. When I hit 15 (last year), All of the wife stuff started happening, and now its reaching into now. I was upset and angry, but I still helt a little hope that he would get better.
With the news of the probable breaking and entering, and the fact he'd gotten WAY worse, I lost all hope. I know he'll never change. I know he'll never be the dad I wanted (and needed). Even if he one day apologizes for everything, and changes, it still won't fix the fact that he took having a proper dad away from me.
I want it so badly. I want a dad so badly. But I can't have it. I can't have a real relationship with him. I'm growing up and I never got that. I missed out. I'm constantly bouncing between angry, heartbroken, annoyed, tired, and upset and I have no freaking clue what I'm feeling at a certain time.
I want to never speak to him again, but I also want to tell him what I'm feeling so desperately.
I never want to be around him anymore because I'm angry, but I also want a dad so frickin badly.
But I know that little me will never get the Dad she wanted. And it hurts. It hurts so badly.
It would be easier if I truly hated my father but I don't. I simultaneously hate him for his actions and love him because I want him to be a dad. And it hurts.
It hurts to know the dad you've known your whole life was never a real dad to begin with. It hurts to know that you'll never get that, no matter how much you beg them to change, no matter how much you hope.
It hurts to know that your own father is breaking into your house to steal anything they can get their hands on to win a court battle in the future, resulting in my items getting effected.
It hurts to have to cut someone you simultaneously hate and love off.
It hurts for people to say "You're taking the easy way out" by cutting him off finally. You really think this is easy?! It's not. It's actually harder.
I'm in pain, and I don't know if I'll ever truly heal from it completely, because it's left this gaping hole in my chest that I can't fill.
I'm exhausted, I'm tired, I'm hurting, and I don't know how to fix it.
Of course, I try to use characters and jokes to cope, but it doesn't always work. Sometimes I can talk about it all with no issue and joke about it. Other times, I say two words and I break down sobbing.
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uh i know you are not too well rn with like answering asks and shit AND THAT IS TOTALLY FINE NO WORRIES feel free to ignore this but fuck did i have a shit week and i am currently drunk and everything just sucks balls and i was wondering if you could give the poor (aka me) some shoto headcanons you have? can be the RANDOMEST shit i just wanna laugh at my serotonin boi or feel something that isnt wanting to d word (!not seriously! i am just dramatic) okay thanksBUT FEEL FREE TO IGNORE IF YOU WANT
"not too well" LMFAOOOO BESTIE treating me like the sick victorian child i am, IT'S TRUE!!!
you are absolutely the sweetest tho, so incredible, and i'm so sorry to hear you've had a hard week! headcanons are somewhat easy for me so OFC i can think about this with you! i really hope u feel better (and not t o o hungover) soon tho, keep me updated!🥺🥺🥺
hope these are okay! i love u <3
(warning: gender neutral i think... mostly fluffy things like shopping and talking on the phone anddddddd him being on ur side during fights)
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LMFAOOO I guess to dive right in, one of my fave personal Todoroki headcanons is that he LOVES being on the phone with you
Whether you're actually speaking to him about something important or just breathing into the receiver, he's paying attention
Which is funny because even when you're not talking to him... if you don't put the phone on speaker, he's getting real close to you just so he can hear what's being said...
Also does the: *mouths* "who is that?" or asks the literal second you hang up when you're talking to someone else...
(Your friends are like" "y/n... is that Todoroki in the background?"
At the same time, though, he can't use facetime for the life of him. He really does try, but it just goes super terribly because he literally isn't able to sit or hold the phone still and talk at the same time
Though it's more: "why would we video call when I could just come over?" except he literally means it...
(So stick to voice calls unless he's away on missions LOL)
And while I definitely think Todoroki is soft (and especially with you), we can't forget he's also super... headstrong, too
He's the boyfriend who does not shy away from (politely) sending back a wrong order or asking for extra napkins or something
And even more so, defending you when you need it
(I talked about Bakugo doing this too, but) Any fight you need to fight becomes his fight, too
Whether it's against your family or your boss or WHOEVER, he's stepping up to bat LOL it's honestly insane
"Actually, I think y/n said..." or, "you're being really unreasonable about _. I think _..." and it ends up being really forceful and cold... that type of stuff
(BRUH AND if it's over phone/text, he'll try to take the phone away from you so his input can be heard)
And maybe this is just some kind of trauma response for him, but I think he will literally only watch kids movies. Literally. Absolutely refuses to watch anything other than like, the latest D*sney movie
"They're actually very entertaining" like ???
Also, you know that one meme "It's a banana, how much could it cost? $13?" THAT'S HIM!!!
You honestly can't go shopping with him because if you even breathe in the direction of something, EVEN IF YOU DON'T NEED IT, he's trying to buy it
Whether you're at the grocery store or the Gucci outlet... "OMG, look at that—" *putting it in the cart*
And getting him to put anything back is almost i m p o s s i b l e (even if the reasoning is logical, like you can't eat 7 expensive pudding cups before they expire)
So, love language as gift giving, most definitely
Also LMFAO, literally horrible at giving fashion advice
Refuses to say you look bad in anything even when you obviously look bad... because "even if it's unflattering, I don't mind what you look like. If you like it, wear it..."
Bruh.
ACTUALLY THOUGH it's the same with cooking. You could make a recipe entirely wrong and he just would not notice OR admit it
It's funny, too... because even if you didn't cook it or he doesn't like whatever it is, he absolutely wants a bite of whatever you're eating
"But... you don't even like hot fries?" + "So?"
(Cal also had that amazing toxic trait for him about how he's always just... eating your food LMFAOOO and I 100% agree)
And oh my god, this man is like a fucking... gnome??? I don't know, but he literally saves everything you give him. EVERYTHING.
He definitely has a special spot for all the trinkets/notes/gifts you've ever gotten him... and you probably find a 3-year-old dried out flower or something from a card you gave him in his desk at some point
(And when you go to toss it, he's like, "give that back. I was saving it" LOOOL)
I also think... whatever books he sees you reading, he tries to read, too
And he gets weirdly invested in activities you can do as a couple... even though he's also kinda competitive about some of them
You knit, he knits (and looks over at your piece ever two seconds)... you take yoga, he takes yoga...
And God forbid you do something by yourself, because he's AT LEAST going with you to watch you do it (and cheer you along, too)
Soccer dad vibes except its just for you LOL
AND FINALLY... I literally spent all of dinner secretly laughing about the fact he absolutely sleeps in EITHER: a matching silk pajama set, or like a traditional grandpa: in a webbed tank top + trunks.
So fucking funny to see him getting water in the middle of the night like this:
Honestly... he probably even sits like an old man, too:
#todoroki#todoroki x reader#did i do my homework?#absolutely not.#but this was so fun#manifesting a better week for u bestie <333#sorry i dont have more to say here but this ask made me smile#so i hope these headcanons helped u too#ask#anon#caitie post#headcanons
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OOOOGGHHH!!! OMG!!..can I get 🌺,💐,☔, and 🌈!! For Jilly and Vincent!!! Hehe if ur still taking these!!! Thank you!! (人 •͈ᴗ•͈)
OOOGHHHH THANK U belovedd yes u can!! My darling hideous couple :') under cut !
🌺 - Do they send cutesy or grossly sweet/romantic texts to each other?
-Jilly does, both because she means what she says and because she knows it makes vincent blush/squirm. Calls him her ‘Vincey Wincey’ or her cuddlebug, boogabear, pupperman, Studmuffin, etc. sends a bunch of kissy emojis and heart eyes and how she cant wait til hes home so she can give him “a kissaroo for her boo”. He just sends back “enough” “stop” “cut this shit out my coworkers gonna see it” until he has to put her on mute. He himself is only likely to send any emotional over sweet mushy texts if hes been drinking and she's not with him and he's feeling :(. Though those are often long rambling sad voicemails mixed in with him screaming at people to shut the fuck up hes talking to someone on the phone, and then getting back to drunk ranting abt how he misses her and how she needs to get her ass over to him ASAP.
💐 - Is one more protective than the other?
-Vince is definitely the more protective one, though it might be for good reason since Jilly does have a tendency of getting into bad situations, kidnapped, mugged, etc. The way she looks/acts in public like she trusts everyone makes her a target for weirdos (like him) and hes always scared another weirdo is gonna snatch her up when hes not looking. Jilly is protective of him though not in a physical way because like…. Idk, unless someone has a tank its unlikely someones gonna cause him any bodily harm. But she gets protective of him when ppl talk about him rudely or gossip about him bcs she knows his feelings are sensitive and that's her bugaboo :/
☔️ - How do they make up after a fight?
-Its pretty much always Vincent who starts the fight, and hes pretty much always the first to apologize too. Depending on the fight and the severity, he either just bangs on the door of whatever room she's locked herself in, saying “I'm sorry, okay? I was a dick! I know that! Let me in so we can talk, stop being a baby.” and then if she doesnt still let him in he has to make the joke “let me in or ill huff and ill puff, and ill break this fucking door down.” Which she always laughs at, and also always lets him in bcs she knows he will actually break down the fucking door. OR if he's feeling more guilty, he walks up behind her with his most sad puppy dog face with his ears and tail down and crouches down so his head is nuzzled in her stomach and starts apologizing and saying he doesn't deserve her. May start crying, but so will she.
🌈 - What were their first impressions of each other?
-Jillys first impression of him at route 66 was immediately both intimidated by him and VERY attracted to him. Had to stop herself from saying “hubabubba😳” outloud. He had also just stepped in to save her from Farz who was harassing her, so she was like OMG…😳 hes so heroic he saved me… disney movie when.. And then she thanks him and he hits her w the “😏im a fuckin animal, suck my cock, ill fuck you on this pool table rn” and shes :///////////// one hit killed by that interaction. But also shes still blushing and stammering bcs damn :/ its a lil sexy and also he smells like a predator which is scary and sexy… but she quickly makes her retreat bcs that dudes jacked up fr. And then of course he follows her and bashes her head in the wall and the rest is history <3
Vincents first impression of her is “yo why tf this bitch smell like animal :/” and then “wait is she wearing a fucking fannypack. Is she really dumb enough to come in this shithole alone at night. In a fucking fannypack. LMAO”. Thinks she's really cute but also dumb as hell and an easy victim. But then she's all polite and cute blushing and thanking him and hes like aww :) and then hits her with what I guess he thought was him shooting his shot. But mostly he was just having fun scaring her and making her uncomfortable because she smells like prey and hes into it. And then of course she leaves and hes like :3c teehee! *follows her out and decides to fuck her whole life up*
#ferret and pisswolf#btd#my darlings my babes#abuse cw#i guess? i mean implied#i mean there is headbashing inolved#thasnk uu <33 i love talking abtthem
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first off, hello 🤷♀️ anon! sorry i missed you out
and secondly, dw, marius is my favourite too lol, he reminds me a lot of my younger cousin who i lived with when i was younger. i was always the one who took care of him and marius calling me older sister just set off so much memories of my childhood. the both of them are also vv similar in personality, attention seeking, playful and artistic so i always see him whenever i look at marius.
artem is probably my second favourite ngl, ever since i read his ssr where he was jealous and got drunk (what a good combination lmao) i just grew so soft for him. at the end of the day, he's just a vv soft sweetheart who's insecure that we'll leave him :(( i have like 3 ssrs at lvl36, two of them are artem cards and the other is luke. i vibe with luke too bc i love the childhood friends trope, it's top tier. and as for vyn... i have vv mixed feelings abt him. i feel like he could so easily see through me if he was real and i'm just like, how about no. he's rlly pretty though, like rlly pretty.
*major spoilers*
and you've finished the archon quests!!! personally, i feel like the ending felt a bit rushed(?). it's weird bc i thought the resistance war against the raiden shogun was supposed to be the center of the story, but it just devolved to us helping yae with the entire war being swept to the side. and i already knew somebody was gonna die, and as soon as i saw that teppei had become the captain, i just knew.
it's interesting bc i would love to explore what happened to la signora and scaramouche to make them so disregarding of human life. like, i don't like them, but i want to understand their minds. it's sad to read signora's artifact's background honestly. and the fact that her crown said she used to be called rosalyne, that she had perhaps once led a more innocent and naive existence. i dunno, to me it seems like a good ending for her honestly, she had already lost herself after her lover's death and brings pain to many others, i don't think she can rlly return to being her again.
and honestly, a lot of people are talking abt scaramouche not telling signora he already had the gnosis and saying that he orchestrated her death, i don't rlly think so. i feel like he's just that apathetic to human life, even if it's someone that stands on his side, he just doesn't care enough. it also says how he never got along with anyone, not even his fellow harbingers, so i don't know why ppl expect him to seek out someone he doesn't like just to warn her of danger.
i vibe with scaramouche and la signora as the antagonists bc they're good antagonists, but as characters, well. other than the fact that they're pretty, they have like one likeable trait and that is their loyalty. they would do anything for the tsaritsa even if it cost them their life. i'm rlly excited to see what the tsaritsa has in store for us in the future.
considering our sibling is nicknamed 'the prince/princess', i wonder if there's gonna be a day where we're gonna have to go toe to toe with them. if we had them backed them into a corner with no way out, i wonder if they would kill us. it would be an interesting twist if we could actually die, but i feel like the protagonist halo will prevent it lol and i'm sorry bc god, this is so long.
— r. anon
marius. that’s the tweet. man,, you dont realize how in love i am w him?? like,, this man was literally my only hope when i fell horribly sick. i cant w myself now that i’m hearing it w my own voice. it must be nice to remember the good ol’ days… i despise my cousins and i dont have siblings so i dont really have that sort of connection w him. to me, his onee-san is just a joke? a petname? idk but it simultaneously makes me so mad and giddy just like childe’s existence does
i like vyn bc his vibes are sus but at the same time, he’s cares abt our mental health 🥺👉👈 no one’s ever said shit like that to me… jokes aside, luke is seriously threatening his spot bc of his blushing bs like pls 🤲 i’m so weak for that shit give me more. artem makes me soft too like,, he keeps mentioning that he trusts us and he’s just…. HE’S A BIG TEDDY BEAR THAT BLUSHES AT LIKE ACCIDENTAL HAND BRUSHES GRRRR. in conclusion, i love them all.
but man,, give me ssr luck… literally, im in pain…
now that the excitement’s worn off, i can now judge things properly. i think that… the pacing is horrible. like the plot is good, genuinely, but there’s just,, so much to explore abt this. if you think abt it, this is the climax and yet we didnt get much. scratch that. we got a lot but it’s all underdeveloped that it felt like nothing. we go to sangonimiya, got promoted, became captain for like, one sec before we are sent onto an investigation that didnt really produce any results bc app teppei alr knows everything? and then the delusion thing is a good plot point but it’s not really explored? just… a lot of things are left unexplored and i think that story wise, a lot of the possible lore explanations went down the drain. it would’ve been nice if we saw more abt the rebellion and if we had gotten to know whats the real deal w the commissions but eh… idk… i would’ve rather done more quests abt this whole storyline than like… do that whole dance w the three people who lost their vision in 2.0.
if im going to be honest, la signora is such a wasted character. like maybe her death was just for the shock factor or maybe it’s to prepare us for more harbinger encounters in the future.. idk but she’s such a good character from what we’ve seen but we know jack shit abt her and her motives. we know a little from the artifact set but beyond that, what do we have?
precisely! that’s how i feel abt this whole thing when we’re talking seriously. like w ei, i dont really agree w whatever they’re doing but i want to understand why they do the things that they do. everything has a reason and their psychology is just interesting to me.
i think scaramouche’s nature makes it easy for him to disregard human life. call it arrogance or whatever but ultimately, he’s seeing himself as smth above all these people bc he’s more or less capable of standing toe to toe w a god. why should he bother telling signora? it’s not like he gains anything if he does. i think that when he got the gnosis, he’s just ‘well she dies if she dies. who cares abt that? i dont have any need for incompetent colleagues anw’ i agree and i dont think he orchestrated her death but at the same time, he just allowed it to happen too.
as for signora, i’m actually surprised? for the most part, i think that the harbingers took their posts for selfish reasons. for scara, it’s to entertain himself and pass time. for childe, it’s to fight and grow stronger. for dottore, it’s to conduct dubious research w/o anyone stopping him. i expected signora to have some similar motive like power or money but it seems like she does actually believe in the tsaritsa? it would be very intriguing if signora’s main motive in becoming a harbinger is simply bc she is loyal to the tsaritsa and her will. bc in contrast, i think scara and dottore are more loyal to the fact that the tsaritsa can give them what they want, not bc they actually like her. actually, idek if they’re willing to die for her lol. like i wouldnt be surprised if they suddenly abandon post in a life or death situation but who knows…
in any case, they are very good antagonists. i like yo think that the tsaritsa isnt as bad as the game portrays her to be… of all the gods, she’s the one im looking forward to the most but… haha… what version would that be….
i’m almost certain that they’ll make us fight our twin maybe before we face the unknown god? if one of them dies, i would be very sad. like legit. but knowing mhy, well, our twin is almost 100% a walking death flag.
anw i’m shutting up rn— i also spoke too much kahdjabdhakbsjansb—
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Alcohol tw
Periodically, I get so sad over just how easy it would be for me to become an alcoholic. And I haven't! And I'm proud of myself for that because I'm aware of the issue and it requires a lot of self-reflection and self-control and I've managed to resist the temptation and just... deal with it. I've had bad moments here and there where I got drunk, both for fun and for this-is-the-only-way-of-coping-rn reasons but they have been specific moments very separated in time and have never become a pattern, and I'm proud of that. Hell, most people that I know, including my own parents, drink more than I do, they just do it recreationally.
Still, the temptation is always there, and I can't pretend that it isn't. I'm constantly battling with an anxiety-riddled brain that's hellbent on showing me the worst possible outcomes of everything and not allowing me to be happy and also always ensuring I keep hating myself. And it only "relaxes" when I'm either drunk or asleep. And if you couple that with the fact that I have a lot of social anxiety but when I drink I'm suddenly super socially capable AND can even be flirty... well it just solves all my problems doesn't it? The first time I got properly drunk it was like a revelation. I didn't feel afraid of myself, I didn't feel constantly sad, I felt comfortable, happy, I had /fun/. "it's gone" i remember thinking "is this how normal people feel all the time?" I don't even know what I'm referring to when talking about this "it" all I know is that I'm tired of having to constantly wrestle my brain for control of my emotions all the time. I don't know what's wrong with me tbh. There's just something slightly off and not right about how my brain works.
The other day I had a wonderful day, it was a day I had longed for for a very long time. Yet I got a bout of anxiety because of a comment on the whole JKR debacle, made by my own friend no less. The whole comment lasted 2 seconds and didn't even become part of the conversation, yet it managed to ruin the whole day for me because it fed right into what I'm more anxious about now, which are gender debates (and 2 days later I haven't managed to stop thinking about it). We were at the beach, and then later we went for drinks. I had both a cocktail and a beer, and I felt that familiar buzz and I just... relaxed, I had been on the verge of crying and trembling all afternoon because of that comment, despite how much fun I was having otherwise (it's weird, I know), and drinking just soothed it. And I wished I could be in that state always. And that's terrifying ofc it's terrifying, but it's also so easy to fall right into it.
I'm still not gonna let drinking become a pattern, and I'm gonna look into whatever the hell is wrong with me because a general depression diagnosis didn't cut it, and reading about ADHD tells me this might be what it is, side effects of it going untreated for so long and me learning no coping mechanisms for it. But tbh, unless someone gives me some strong meds that fit right in and get me to that state WITHOUT alcohol, the danger is always going to be there. And I don't know that I'll always be strong enough to manage it.
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Jesse & Jac
Jesse: 👍? Jac: 💃🥂! Jesse: Talk so I know you can Jac: 'course I can Jac: if I was in any way prohibited rn, I wouldn't be sending you emojis at the same time, rest assured Jesse: alright Jac: come on then Jac: what is it? Jesse: my question that is Jesse: ❤️ or 💔? Jac: 💔 the drinks are so expensive Jac: that's a pisstake Jesse: get one of the princes to get 'em in Jesse: or your 👸🏾 Jac: we're out with our course, the proper posh kids do bullshit pretentious non-subjects so everyone is pretty tolerable, thank god Jesse: 🎨 history, werent it? Jac: 🙄 for the girls Jac: some business shit so the lads can be less of a financial drain more of an asset to daddy Jesse: gutted for dad then, he'd love a bit of that Jesse: he'd probably love being the only lad on a course an' all though Jac: did not need that visual Jac: ew Jesse: it'll calm you down Jac: I've barely had any Jesse: weren't what I meant Jac: You're well subtle, I'd have no idea Jesse: don't have to be Jesse: not at the club with the girl I love Jac: shut up Jac: I just told you how many other people are here too Jesse: that only matters if you care Jesse: or she does Jac: I can't ignore her, can I Jesse: I don't reckon so Jac: you know what I mean Jesse: all the ✨ makes her hard to miss Jesse: I get it Jac: you are such a stalker, honestly Jesse: you weren't fuming when I told you about her ma Jesse: ain't turning it off and on Jac: well that was handy Jac: this, less so Jesse: 🔧🔨 🔩 ⚙️🧱 Jesse: not my 9-5 Jac: hush Jac: you'd like freshers Jesse: nah, I heard drinks prices are a pisstake Jac: you'd probably get some freebies as entertainment, duh Jac: I've barely been to sleep, like Jesse: dreams are gonna be a headfuck Jac: you've yet to convince me this isn't one big fever dream so Jac: if I go to 😴 do I 💀? Jesse: don't smack girls about even if I am related to 'em Jesse: you're on your own there Jac: s'noble of you Jac: considering the females you are related to Jesse: 🏆 Jac: yes, I hear they do give awards out for that Jac: congrats Jac: how is everyone Jesse: they're still everyone Jesse: same shit Jac: your predictability is appreciated at this time Jesse: she's unpredictable? Jac: yeah Jac: well Jac: she either isn't, and I just don't wanna admit Jac: or she is, and I can do something about it Jac: it's confusing, either way Jesse: go on Jac: well last night, we talked for ages and she said loads of stuff and then I came over for a sleepover, not that kind though Jac: but we were both drunk and now I don't know how much she meant or would say if she weren't, you know Jesse: stop sleeping in her bed Jac: I'm not right now Jac: [picture of the clerb like see] Jesse: so funny you Jac: she asked me Jesse: and you can't ignore her, I heard Jac: she did beg so Jac: it'd be rude Jesse: what? Jac: what do you mean what? Jac: she all but said I had to Jesse: for you or anyone Jac: I don't know Jac: [sends relevant chunk/ Jac: what do you think? Jesse: she always like that? Jac: is that a Q or are you telling me? Jesse: it's got a ? Jac: until yesterday, I hadn't spoken to her for 2 years, if you recall Jac: but we were always like that, kinda Jac: it feels different somehow but that could be wishful thinking on my part Jesse: Yeah Jesse: I dunno, you told me she was drunk so when I read it she sounds drunk Jac: yeah Jac: think so Jac: she was pretty wasted Jesse: & I dunno how girls talk to each other Jac: me either Jesse: when you were mates with Is what was her 🗨 like? Jesse: ever beg you to do owt? Jac: No Jac: maybe be nice to her but who wouldn't given Jac: it was nothing like that Jesse: what's Sav like with dickheads who ain't you? Jac: there weren't no one but us Jac: when she was in Dubo Jac: that was the whole thing Jesse: tonight then Jac: she's not going that hard with strangers Jac: you saw the ✨ Jac: obviously she's more social than I am Jac: but like, no it's not totally the same, even if I'm being brutally honest with myself on it, still think it's different Jesse: there you go Jac: what if she's a friendly drunk Jesse: you've been drunk with her before Jac: I also misread it last time Jac: that's why this is so fucking confusing Jac: 'cos I thought it was more last time 'cos of how she was, how we were, I didn't just get that from nowhere Jac: so I can't just go with my gut or common sense on it now either Jesse: Talk to her Jac: 🥺 Jesse: leave it til after freshers Jesse: give her a chance to be sober Jac: works for me Jac: I can find another excuse before then Jesse: You need to know Jesse: this course is how many years Jac: this part is 4 years Jesse: we ain't doing this back and forth for 4 fucking years Jac: come on Jac: I'm not forcing you to talk to me about it Jesse: you Jesse: will they, won't they is played out Jac: fuck off Jac: this isn't a tv trope it's my life Jesse: I know Jac: then quit being a dick about it Jesse: sorry Jac: it's alright Jac: let's forget it and I won't bring it up again Jesse: bollocks to that Jac: I ain't gonna resolve this any time soon, Jess Jac: unless she does which is as unlikely, I reckon Jesse: I'm going nowhere Jac: 👍 Jesse: thrilled, yeah? Jac: resigned to not getting rid, more like Jac: but sure Jesse: I reckon she might Jesse: you can have that be thrilled about Jac: [the bit about forever and not wanting to lose her] Jac: unless she straight up chats the opposite when she's pissed Jac: or I fuck it all up majorly, I know, like Jesse: 💕 Jesse: the ✨ make loads more sense now Jesse: she's gayer than you Jac: 😏 Jac: or less emotionally stunted Jac: but I'll take it Jesse: can't all inherit the poet's soul Jac: 💔 Jac: really, so devastated Jesse: sounds like Jac: if Jame starts writing poetry for his girlfriend, you have to send it to me so I can critique it Jesse: pay me to do it for him if he's got any sense Jac: you're not such a starving artist that you need to scam our little brother like that Jesse: no scam Jac: debatable Jesse: piss off Jac: ❤ Jesse: do one for you if you don't overspend at the club Jac: she don't like you, I been said Jac: she'll feel the 🤢 rising at your style Jesse: don't like her either Jesse: don't matter Jac: you're so rude Jesse: 💔 Jac: why not Jesse: why would I? Jac: there's nothing not to like Jesse: 1st I heard of her, she fucked you up Jesse: there's that Jac: it weren't her fault though Jac: it was just about her Jesse: how she handled it were her fault Jac: I don't think we can police that Jac: I certainly can't Jesse: like you said, didn't come out of nowhere Jac: if we go down the 'she led me on' path, we ain't ending up nowhere good Jesse: Alright Jac: just have no opinion Jesse: bit rude Jesse: but I get what you're saying Jac: blank slate, would be a better way to put it Jesse: 👍 Jac: I already said I'd sleep over tonight though Jesse: get out of it Jesse: you're 🤢🤮 or something Jac: in the head? Jac: obvs Jesse: well yeah Jesse: but like you're a lightweight Jesse: she ain't been drunk with you for ages either Jac: we planned this one last night too Jac: she's serially monogamous Jac: you don't think she's gonna wanna take a random home? Jac: she's not like that Jesse: you can't go home with her so she don't take a lad back instead Jac: that's not why Jac: that's what you think though Jesse: I think you need to stop sleeping together Jesse: I said Jac: but why Jesse: you don't spoon your mates Jesse: or watch 'em sleep Jac: so I'm a creep Jac: fine Jac: I'll go home Jesse: So she can't use you as a stand in boyfriend Jac: stop it Jesse: either she wants to be mates and she can't do none of that with you or she wants to be your girlfriend and she needs to let you know Jac: who says? Jac: we can do it if we want to Jesse: go on then, crack on Jesse: nowt can go wrong Jac: I'll decide for myself Jac: you don't need to tell me, you can't tell me anything I don't know Jesse: she'll decide for you Jesse: like before Jac: Whatever Jac: I'm going to carry on with my night now Jesse: Jac Jac: I'll talk to you later Jesse: just steady on Jesse: you know her, I don't Jesse: might be talking bollocks, probably am Jac: you don't need to go back on it Jac: I don't care Jesse: it don't sit right how quick and easy she's back where she were, that's what I was trying to say Jac: Okay Jac: I've heard you Jesse: it don't mean it'll go how it did before Jac: maybe it will Jac: I can't do anything about it Jesse: keep your guard up for a bit Jac: yeah Jesse: if I sound like I'm the one going back and forth on this, I am Jac: I'm powerless to it whatever Jac: there's no winning or outrunning or playing it cool or whatever the fuck you could suggest Jac: it's happening and it'll play out how it's going to Jac: it's fate Jesse: but 👎 from me that I'm powerless an' all Jesse: that's shit Jac: you'll live Jesse: will you? Jac: don't be a drama queen Jesse: or what? Jac: ❌🚫 you Jesse: reckon I'll live Jac: yeah right Jac: you live for this bullshit, clearly Jesse: 🖕 Jac: later loser Jesse: 👌
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3/20 hello again
Well it's certainly been a minute. Let's get into some updates.
I'm employed at Bareburger. The commute is somewhat of a nightmare.. approaching 50 minutes generally. It's nice to have some sort of income stream but at what cost you know? I wish the money was better. I'm checking back in with myself at the month benchmark. I need money but I want to be much closer to home (ahem Hanon).
Funnily enough, Shalom Japan did contact me. I don't know how interested I am in responding, I know mom would say you simply must respond but they want me for brunch on Saturday and Sunday and like.... I am in no position to be working weekend brunch shifts. As a bartender too 😭 I thought initially I wanted to serve, that I wanted to be with people at their tables. Now I'm wondering if I like the appeal of hiding behind the bar, with that barrier between me and the custies. Limited access. But my thing is I'm not at all confident in my bartending abilities, even though I have a shit ton of knowledge tbh.. I just know nothing about wine or beer lol. I can talk cocktails till the cows come home, but the difference between a merlot and a cab? No fucking clue.
Anyways, I don't want to work brunch. And I don't know if I love Shalom's concept.. it kind of weirds me out. Interesting, but weirds me out.
Taking care of Lui was fun.... it was a chore, but it was a fun chore. It wasn't necessarily that Lui was hard to take care of. He was fucking easy. I just didn't like not being in my apartment for 5 or whatever days. Schlepping my stuff all around the city. I want to stay at home... I don't even like Manhattan that much. Sep asked if I would do it again. I said I'd have to think about it, but also that I would need to get paid! At the end of it all though, I would really prefer to keep Lui at mine. I think if we got a bed and put his scent on it, he would be happy anywhere. Mom and dad DID say they would buy me a dog bed.... haha.
With the addition of a job I am keeping a bit more busy. That being said, my housewife duties have diminished significantly. Gone are the days of me being house mother LMFAOOO. I did kind of enjoy it... like I see the appeal a little bit.
I went out with Claire and Summer Cantrell last night, she's visiting rn. I honestly had a blast. We got dinner- I was late by an amount of time that needn't be repeated- and went dancing at a lesbian bar. Stopped by barracuda first, a gay bar, which was horrifically trash. Like we went pee and left. Henrietta, the LesBar, was very very fun. It was also very very packed. But I met some cool people, and hit it off (I guess you could say) with a boy.... let's unpack this.
First of all, he was very cute, tall, boyish haircut. I wasn't sure how old he was and I wish I hadn't asked. Sophomore in college. No older than 20. Lord Jesus... at that point I was too far in to just ditch him. He was pretty drunk, and not like in the way where it was keeping it cute... I'd say veering into dangerous territory. He was a ballet dancer. Contemporary ballet dancer. He didn't understand me being a contemporary dancer. Lollll.. anyways things got steamy, neck kisses et cetera, knuckle deep in public vibes (I am so sorry) but we never kissed once. Like HELLOOOOOO..... what a let down. Anyways I left that interaction with a lot of weird feelings. Like a lotttttttt...
Ultimately I feel weird about the fact that he was so much younger than me. Maturity level wise, experience wise. It brings up a lot of feelings about grooming, p-word, my experiences being young and feeling the fantasy of an older man being attracted to me. Is it bad that I was into him? Was I truly into him or was it the appeal of attention from somebody attractive? Did I take advantage of the situation? I'm apt to say no, because he took the lead in general.
I have to touch on this: my biggest frustration right now, superficially, is that I go out looking ungodly amounts of sexy... and yet I'm rarely approached. Do I look mean? (I'd be lying if I said that isn't often the goal.) I know there's some men out there with dommefag fetishes, which is totally my vibe. As a stunning beauty of an indeterminate gender, is it my responsibility to stalk the prey? That doesn't feel right. I want men to fawn over me and line up for the chance to buy me a drink. I'm a lady goddammit!
It's getting dire out here. My heart is getting colder by the day, and some corny shit I know, but I'd appreciate a pair of warm hands to hold it if only for a second. Every day I consider hitting up Mattia the Ligurian. Every night I balk, if mostly for the feeling of the timing not being right, frustration with my bodily issues, or just general ick. I really can't tell if he's attractive or not.... sometimes I think he looks too much like CJ's brother/cousin/relative. They are both italians with mustaches. My god. But in terms of accessibility... he's my closest, most appealing option (the ice is broken, there's been at least some level of tension for a significant period of time, blah blah blah).
I do feel myself meeting more people which is exciting. Harrison reached out, so did Maddie O'Farrell. I really do want to see her I realized, even if she's doing the corporate lesbian girlboss thing. I think yesterday was her birthday. Part of me wishes I'd met up with Mia and Con last night but I was busy with the two lesbians Claire and Summer----- oop. Very "so that happened" vibes.
Note to self: get a baggie. Keep it on hand. That's your doll emergency fund. If you wanna be in with the girls you better be down with the girls.
Wake up earlier. Be a productive morning person. Text Maddie happy birthday. Reach out to Harrison and apologize for not texting last night. Do the same for Mia. Iliana respond to my instagram message. Shantel take a class with me. Contact Jeremy, Lar, Kate, Lindsey, [insert names here]. Be stunning. Be soft. Kiss a boy. Open up. Be receptive to love. Hemmies begone! Sitzbath work your magic. Keep. taking. dance class. Shygirl next week. Find people to go with. Dates coming my way. Food coming my way. Paid drinks coming my way. Good people coming my way. Generosity to give and receive. A generous spirit will take you far! Hunker down, make that money, and get to work on time, for the love of god. I love you baby MWAH x
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Hi, I hope you don't mind my ask. I've been questioning my sexuality for a long time and I think I'm bi but I don't know for sure. Do you think it's wrong for me to sort of "assume" one way or another and participate in pride month even though I'm questioning? Like I have bi everything on my blog rn. And it feels nice to not hide my thoughts but I also feel like I'm doing some sort of disservice or being deceitful. Idk man, idk
Not at all!!
Let me tell you a story. When I was like 15, I was sure I was straight. Like, fighting with nails and teeth against even the thought of being anything but straight. I wouldn’t even allow myself to dream about sex with a girl. And I wasn’t homophobic, one of my best friends had come out as a lesbian not even a year before, but I was so so scared. Of what? I honestly don’t know. And I always liked men, so why would I need to question it?
But then, I started to participate on lgbt spaces as an ally. To get really invested on the conversation. Around that time was when my country legalized same sex marriage, and there was a bill being discussed on congress about gender identity. I started to read about gender and sexuality a lot, to the point where some of my friends would come up to me when they had questions about the community.
That period lasted for about a year. And then, one night I went with my friends to a party. Got really drunk. Enough to have fun and remember it after. And at that party, I kissed a girl. And I remember thinking, this is nice. This is probably nicer than kissing boys because she was more gentle. And I wanted more, so I spent that night making out with that girl who I don’t remember her name but I know she had pink hair.
When I was leaving the party with my friends, the realization hit me. So I said it out loud. “I’m bi”, and my friends hugged me. It was like instant relief. Went I went home, I allowed myself to daydream about having a girlfriend. I remembered those times when I was a little kid and I imagined my best friend, Melina, with hearts around her head. It was like being able to breathe again after years of living underwater.
The first year of so after that was not easy. I used the term bi almost like a tag on my head, and I always felt like I was faking it. I stated saying that I only liked girls romantically, not sexually. But then I had a crush on a girl from school, and I talked to my friends about it, but I never acted on it because I was so scared. I also was crushing on a guy at that time, and it was easier to focus on him. Then at the end of that year I had a thing with a guy, and I told him I was bi. He was thrilled, he said we can look at cute girls together. That’s the most fun I had had with a guy in long time, because I allowed myself to enjoy thinking sexually about a woman. He was really smart, we talked about science and philosophy and politics, it was great. I kinda miss him.
This got very long, but my point is, yes, go and embrace pride. Do it until you feel like you belong in your own skin. Do it for you, and only for yourself. You don’t owe anyone anything.
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Thanks 😁!
That's alright, take your time! Sorry I didn't reply for quite a while, I didn't get enough sleep and I was knocked out most of the day.
Yeah, she is super pretty. I like Rosé too, she's adorable!
I agree 💀!
I listen to a lot of alt/indie, metal, and pop music! We seem to have the same taste in music genres, that's cool!
I drink occasionally, however, I usually 9/10 prefer to smoke. Pot is my favorite, I get carts and bud. Although I prefer bud, having a cart around to smoke any time without going through the hassle of rolling it, is pleasant. 👌😌
(i'm lazy)
We could be rockstars together! 🤗
Goodnight, or I hope you had a fun night! I'm looking forward to talking with you more tomorrow!
To, Ruru 🥰
Don't worry I understand! I hope you rested well, I also took a nap today because I felt tired.
Oh that's super great!!!! I really love Pierce the Veil!!! they're my favorite alt hardcore band!!! I can't wait to share music with you!!!! it'll be so much fun yeah!!
I also like Melanie Martinez and All time Low, I'm still on my emo phase apparently 😆💕
I only did bud once and all it did was make me sleepy and that was boring, still that doesn't catch my attention so I'm only into normal cigarettes ^^ )~ and yeah! I wanna be a rockstar! The Dirt is my favorite movie, is about a band (Motley Crue) and I relate too much with one of the guys of the band! I will even legally change my name like him!!!
Are you sleeping rn. I'm not, I'm feeling funny 😆
I like Falling in Reverse (only the old music) and Asking Alexandria as well, and I used to listen to the old Escape the Fate and I love A7X too!! Hehe, I'm really chatty while drunk, I'm an easy talker 😆 isn't that cool?!
What's your nickname? Or a letter I can associate you with?
Lots of stars for youuuuu!!! ✨✨✨✨
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Maybe that's just it. I want a partner who's willing and actually feels safe and comfortable to share the role of leader with me. And not totally be against getting penetrated by me....however which way or form.
Cause I like giving just as much as I do receiving.
Inside and outside the bedroom.
It's bad when I have to explain myself to someone who's mainly bdsm focused how I feel in relation to how they understand their place in the relationship...
But that's the thing why all these strict structures you expect me to abide by, especially when we communicate just for you to feel safe and comfortable to come inside me ..
Like maybe I just don't wanna do Kinky wild chained up sex life 24hrs or everyday of the week.
It gets old, boring, and borderline restrictive and I feel stuck when it gets like that. Because then sex doesn't feel fun and wild and free anymore. that love and showing me you care goes away, and I have to do aftercare all by myself because somebody didn't do it right the 1st time and offered that reassurance and care that I was promised.
Because it was fake love. So no, I can't say I truly trust anyone who thinks about sex all the time and talks about Kinky sex like in components of a football game of what all you want to order for me to give you on your kink diet.
It's annoying af, and rn I need romance, closure, help with grieving the loss of some friends and my grandmother and the relationship I have going on with my parents.
Everything gets easy to say much more as I learn how to drive and get my license. Rn it's kind of like time just doesn't agree with me. And after a good month, I've probably talked to alot of girls and guys and just one ftm, and that's my roommate 🙃.
So it's like why God, why can't I use my rainbow card rn? I'm waiting on another person who meets me where I'm at so I don't have to be single and without someone to hold and kiss me as we lay under the sheets together. I don't want kinks ruining another relationship by being the main reason why a person communicates with me. Cause I've been getting beat all year by life, I don't wanna tolerate another hit for nobody.
Not even a spank on the ass, unless you fucking me from behind if I get upset and stressed out so bad I can't sleep.
I need somebody that's gentle and a good listener, but also doesn't mind switching....but what does real long lasting love look like?
What does a healthy relationship consist of?
Am I happy and healthy enough to be in a relationship to where I won't put myself in danger again by catching onto feelings too fast just because I bonded with you and it's been a year since I felt anything beyond sex, and grief, and being depressed on/off based on my toxic ass experiences?
Do I think I'm just chasing these different sides and personalities of Jay through my reflection of what I liked and didn't like about our relationship?
How am I supposed to know that another friend won't ever try to use me for sex like that again? Or get me so drunk that they start asking for bank account numbers?
I just don't like all these flashbacks that either deter me from dating someone new or makes me wish Jay was right here right now making love to me, holding my hand, kissing my cheek, my lips, neck and my forehead to make me feel safe, love, and secure.
It's bad when a person you just started talking to makes you lose interest and you start wandering about the good times you used to have with yo toxic ass ex.
It's like where did My gay options go? I can get a guy to like me and on a date within a week, but these girls on these apps are all young, skinny and white in my area. And yes, I like white girls too. I like all races, but it's sad when they're the main ones just popping up and then even my favorite, plus size, chubby women, yall hmu but then the convos just go 🚶♀️ like bye 👋 get all distracted then.
And I'm sick if getting tricked by bi women profiles in relationships already...like damnn yall look good too but you want me to suck ya boy off? I don't even wanna be naked near a dude rn, cause I don't trust men.
And yo, seriously who the fuck wants to going a whole hour each way to come hang out and go on dates?
I just want a girl/ftm/nonbinary person who isn't gonna flake when they get dry and I'm asking all the questions...its like why even swipe right if you just wanna say that I'm cute or I'm beautiful and shit??
Hello? Im Seriously available rn and don't need nobody telling me to wait on them or expect me to not have moved on after 3days no text, no call....
I will walk out like a man and dismiss you 🚶♂️ cause I deserve better than that. Especially if we was just vibing bro.
Like I'm really not tryna have a boyfriend this year. Dudes, I'm tired of just dick. It don't get me up unless I see you and your bro, your homie smash each other in the ass and I get to watch him make you his bitch.
Cause that's how low I'm looking at guys up on the internet and in person. They always want something from you and look at you a certain way just automatically assuming you interested to just date and get treated like a hoe cause I said I like transgender people and other females...
Boys sit down. Girls stand up. Ftms yall technically dudes, but I prefer yall over Cis men because yall done already experienced this shit I'm talking about, so there's an understanding.
Mtfs...I just need more time interacting with yall 1st. Cause Athena thought she could one up me and didn't let her play me like no cat. I ain't just pussy. I can be a bitch and a dick with some grit, so yea.
I got trust issues, so if I sound aggressive as hell it's cause I'm tired of working these 12hr shifts, typing up messages, investing time only to find out I ain't got nobody to encourage me and motivate me...except my roommate Levi.
But yo that's bro code and they taken. Not replaying that scenario again. I learned my lesson.
I just need new people, new energy outside of work. Yall bout to make me wait and go find a LGBTq church or something local like soup kitchen or volunteering to meet new people.
Cause there are coworkers I get along with, but that's just me at work, without that emotional side I show at home. Plus I can't trust everyone just after one month of being here....just not trying to get my hopes up for something nice, fun, and open minded....and then I meet Ms. RainClouds and Negativity...😑😪
I don't wanna see another Ayunna like that.
Or another controlling, manipulative, mentally ill from too much drama and trauma and they're not seeking help or Healthcare for it.
I can't be the therapist free friend.. its too much emotion involved for me to absorb as an empath. It even makes me numb talking to these people at the bus stops and my job who need someone to vent to.
It just makes me irritable, annoyed, obnoxious and angry for some because I only just started feeling a but better about moving forward while still grieving.
Like damn, I'm grieving nigga. IM NUMBBB AFF AND I CAN ONLY GET HORNY AND HARD 2-3DAYS OUT THE WEEK BECAUSE ITS HARD TO GET OFF WHEN YOU ONLY HAD 3-4HRS OF SLEEP RIGHT BEFORE YOUR SHIFT.
I NEED MORE THAN AN ESCAPE, I NEED A BIG INVESTMENT, A HOUSE TO BUILD FOR ME AND MY PARTNER AND POSSIBLY A KID...
but I don't want love to just come by. I felt so deep in love it almost killed me because it was the wrong person, wrong place, wrong way.
I ain't doing that shit again. Not until I know for sure this person is for me.
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Episode #9: “i hope that i'm out of the pickle and eating the... pickle” - Daisy
how i feel about merge:
https://66.media.tumblr.com/68a1cf13a1ea5ca8ec0c6c8a044f92ad/fdb9160ed3342b6d-08/s500x750/a71a511c4f332aba10424d15b5e074bc9bbe5e0d.gifv
Click HERE to watch Szymon’s Video!
Click HERE to watch Daisy’s Video!
Click HERE to watch Chips’ Video!
Click HERE to listen to Szymon’s Vocaroo!
Click HERE to view Szymon’s Trust Rankings!
Click HERE to listen to Szymon’s Vocaroo!
Click HERE to listen to Szymon’s Vocaroo!
Click HERE to watch Daisy’s Video!
Click HERE to watch Rob’s Video!
Click HERE to watch another of Rob’s Videos!
So here is my i guess merge confessional! LOOK WHAT I DID! I MADE THE MERGE HEHEHEHEHEHEHE. Voting cindi out last round was very sad but very needed, i think she was looking to have fun and cause chaos but i need some stability in my life rn, crackhead seamus has not came out yet and he can’t yet LMAO. so what happened is as soon as we merged Szymon approached me and wanted to call, and pretty much went on a rant about how annoying Rob is and how everyones so far up his ass, and that HE HAS THE IDOL!!!! And that Szymon wants me daisy and jules to start working together which i was like OH I LIKE THIS. Going into merge i wanted to reconnect with rob, and then keep my alliances with daisy and gage and try and just use them as shields to get into deep merge and then start causing shit.
In terms of my thoughts on everyone…. Gage i am very torn about. Because he is the person i am closest to on a personal level but i think game wise he just is rlly desperate to not lose. I offered him a f2 on our last tribe which i do intend on keeping my word on, but then as soon as we merge i just felt kinda off about him? And he formed a new alliance with Szymon Rob and Conor and didnt say nothing to me or tried to include me. Szymon leaked it tho and so im like oh ok i see i see. I think he is trying to have his hand in everyones cookie jar, but knowing he wants everything is off putting from an ally stance. But also last night he opened up a bit with me and i think he genuinely does wanna work with me, just perhaps not with Daisy. so i am trying to figure out like what is the right move with Gage, is he someone who can actually commit? and will he defend me if people like rob or conor suggest voting me? idk, but i hope he would.
Daisy: my relationship with Daisy is really strong. I think we have a lot in common personally and game wise we mesh really well. Coming in from embb10 i wasnt sure how we would work together but so far so good. everyday she makes me laugh and i want to keep working with her. Supposedly people are painting us two as a duo but i also think if people targeted us they would choose Daisy over me at this point which means i can embrace and keep working with her however openly i wish. Daisy i think also wants to more so work with Szymon and Jules which is fine by me. I think us 3/4 can work really well, it’s just about finding the right time to possibly take a shot at someone.
Szymon: i wasnt sure how i felt about Szymon at the beginning. Sometimes i thought he was annoying, other times i just thought he was being himself which i sometimes just dont vibe with. But him being really honest about his opinions with people shows that he actually is someone i can work with. i am a blunt person and when others are willing to throw mud too, it means we can work well together. I think he is very eager to vote out Rob and also doesnt want to work with Gage which i’m not 100% sure what my plan is yet regarding both.
Rob: rob is a big threat but only because he is so blatantly talking to everyone. dont get me wrong Rob is a great guy, but he isn’t a great ally just because he talks to me. I also know that he has the idol and clearly I aint the top of his ally list since he didnt include me in the one with gage szymon and conor and he also didnt tell me about his idol. Also every inactive person talking to him is not good bc i dont want his farmer ass to let his sheep target me. I think Rob may go home very early and he wont even see it coming.
chips/brandan: we arent working together. that’s about it.
Conor: we became a bit closer during the swap but i certainly wouldnt say he is an ally. more like a neutral friend. i think conor plans on working with gage/rob/szymon. which doesnt include me. But i dont think he has many other connections such as with dylan or daisy or jules. so im not sure how much he’ll be doing anytime soon.
Lovelis: he seems pretty inactive. itll be interesting to see if i can use our pre-established friendship to kinda pull him in and work with him but i also dont know who he plans on working with or doing. very nice and everyone agrees when he is on he is fun to talk to, its just about activity levels and trying to see if he actually is here to play or not.
Dylan: I LIKE DYLAN. BUT HE ALSO LEFT ME ON READ FOR LIKE 16 HOURS NOW LMAO. He was super fun to talk to on our tribe game night, and then in pms but then he kinda ghosted me but continued to talk in the tribe chat. granted i got rlly sloppy drunk last night so when he was free to talk more i wasnt ;/ So ill be interested to see if we can keep vibing, im defnitely open to working with him bc he seems like he would be fun to strategize and work with, but we aren’t necessarily at that point yet.
Jules: juuuules!!!!! amazing, fantastic, the best. but also not the most active. im interested in working with her and i think she appreciates me being crazy and i appreciate her being crazy too. also she is the main reason i won this challenge SOOOOOO. I think me szymon and daisy have a great opportunity to work with her and form a tight 4 if thats the path we choose to go down. Jules is here for fun and to socialize with people and i think some people are off putted by that but i thinks its fine, i just hope we have fun doing crazy stuff together and not against one another :D
THATS IT! MY MERGE CAST ASSESSMENT.
________________________________________________________________
SO I WON IMMUNITY! HEHEHEHEHEHEHE WHICH IS KINDA EMBARRASING SINCE I ONLY ASKED 2 PEOPLE FOR THEIR WORDS, AND THEN DAISY/JULES/SZYMON GAVE ME THE REST. Honk honk i love sharing, this is what communism is all about! But being immune first is kinda a great thing because it really puts you in a firm spot and allows/forces people to strategize with you. since i am unsure if i can attend tribal/live night it also provides some much needed security early on. i am hoping chips goes home at this first tribal which seemingly everyone is on board with. And then id prefer brandan or lovelis to go in live night. But i think Szymon and Daisy will want to vote for Rob. I am not sure if i want to take that shot yet because it might hurt my chances of working with Gage, but also leaves several more inactive people in. if i was confident people like lovelis and brandan would follow rob out the door that would be one thing, but i think it would make people like conor/gage possibly start targeting szymon/daisy/myself and that isnt a good thing. especially if we can wait to f9, and have 5 directly on rob and he goes home and then theres less potential for us getting outvoted
Click HERE to watch Daisy’s Video!
Click HERE to watch Dylan G’s Video!
I know I have been sending only really text confessionals right now and I am REALLY sorry about that, since pretty much a lot of my life has FINALLY FUCKING CLEARED UP I can actually start doing them, butttt since I'm a procrastinator on all sense of the word I'm just gonna type something here and be done with it okay?
Anyways, MERRRRGGGEE! I am fucking SHOCKED that I have made it this far. Keep in mind I really don't think that I would have had any issues getting to the merge keep in mind. Other than the shit I was going through early game and then with some other stuff I feel relatively blessed to be here. I made some connections on my swapped tribe which helped me stay around, and then afterwards I pretty much like... I'm here! I wanted to try and win as many challenges as I could just to help me get by, but then again I'm not the most TALKATIVE person in the world so whatever, I'm planning on fixing that now.
ANYWAYS going into live night I am worried. I was playing three games at once including this WHILE working and BEFORE I got COVID so that was.... okay that wasn't really that fun but still WHATEVER I TRIED GURL OKAY? And from the looks of it the first round should be easy with a relative chips boot which I am fine with. The second round though? That's where the primary issue lies. The only name I heard relative to that is potentially lovealis which I am down with. I got Jules who is a Brandan STAN, my Coco loco alliance with daisy/szymon, and other connections I have made with people like rob. Since after Chips leaves we're in the Final 10 during live night that's easier for my mental sanity. and with me/daisy/szymon/rob/jules, that is already HALF the votes. So I feel... good.
I did not succeed at the social queen immunity.
A social queen i am not.
I was told the vote would be me... so I packed my bags.
Then... a LONG time later they want to blindside Rob. I say okay, I'm down knowing I trust no one so trying to hold on to my smallest sliver of hope that this isn't an elaborate lie.
Then we get live round! If I make it that far I'm ready to party!
Click HERE to watch Gage’s Video!
Click HERE to watch Rob’s Final Words
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Rob is voted out 6-3-1. He becomes the first member of our jury. We then have LIVE NIGHT! At live night, Lovelis goes home 9-1 and becomes the second member of our jury.
Watch the Cast Assessment for this Episode and last Episode below:
youtube
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i think you're such a cool person can you do as many as you'd like of the get to know you asks? i couldn't choose! i'm just desperate to know you lol
Hi anon! There are a lot of asks and I’m not that cool but I’m sad and bored again so I’ll do as many as I can.
1. Who was the last person you held hands with? I don’t think I’ve ever really held hands for real with anyone but I’m pretty sure the last time was about a week ago with one of my best friends bc we were in a place with lots of people and we didn’t want to get lost 2. Are you outgoing or shy? I’m the shyest person I know (actually no, I know a girl who is even shyer than me but I’m pretty close)3. Who are you looking forward to seeing? Not to sound cheesy or anything but I really want to see this guy I had something weird going on with not because of any special reason I just want to know where things are going4. Are you easy to get along with? I’d like to say I am but actually it’s really really hard to keep in touch with me and I’m not good at making conversation at all6. What kind of people are you attracted to? First of all, I’m not usually attracted to people at all, I don’t know why and when I am I always ask myself “girl why this one exactly?” and honestly, I don’t know. There are just some persons I feel comfortable with in a specific way and then attraction grows from there idk I’m really not used to being attracted to anyone9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? Extremely10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? A friend of mine when I was really drunk at his house waiting for my parents to pick me up. I don’t really remember what we talked about but it felt very nice.11. What does the most recent text that you sent say? it says “no da miedo hihihi” which translates to “it’s not scary hihihi”12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now? right now I can’t stop listening to Fiji Water by Owl City (i’m so excited he’s releasing new music!), Your Mother’s Eyes, Rythm and Blues and Take a Walk by The head and the heart and It’s only life by The Shins.13. Do you like it when people play with your hair? I like it because it feels so so relaxing but at the same time it makes me anxious because I think that the more people touch it the dirtier and more damaged it gets and as a person who spends a considerable amount of time on my hair, that is not so nice15. What good thing happened this summer? I went to a festival in the town next to mine and I got to see all my friends after a long time and I had such a good time my heart hurts every time I think about it16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? Yess (idk if it’s bc I really like him or I just want to kiss someone)18. Do you still talk to your first crush? No! Actually I saw him a few months ago after… 6 years and we looked at each other like “are you who I think you are?”. I never really talked to him, he treated me like shit and he’s responsible for many of my insecurities so I believe it’s better this way hah21. What are you bad habits? I don’t sleep, I don’t pay as much attention as I should to my loved ones, I forget to eat and shower and I scratch my face like there’s no tomorrow my friend23. Do you have trust issues? Hell yeah I do. Literally everyone I knew left me when I was like 15 or so which is, you know, a crucial stage of your emotional development and stuff so since then I’ve never got close to anyone because what better strategy than not to be invested enough in a relationship so if it ends you don’t feel so bad about it!25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with? My ears for sure. They stick out so that’s why I never wear my hair up in public. I thought about getting surgery but I want to stay true to myself and stuff.28. Who are you most comfortable around? I’m not 100% comfortable with anyone but I guess my best friend is a strong candidate.30. Do you ever want to get married? I never think about that because my brain always tells me “first find someone who is actually willing to marry you and then we’ll think about it”31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail? It’s long enough for 6 ponytails if you put your mind into it34. Do you play sports? What sports? Sports are bad and I hate them36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them? I liked this guy for like 6 years and I literally never spoke a word to him but I think the way I looked at him made it pretty obvious (I guess that’s why he avoided me all the time)37. What do you say during awkward silences? I’m the Queen of awkward silences and I’ve learnt that it’s ok to not say anything. Or I’ll just sigh a lot.39. What are your favorite stores to shop in? Don’t make me think about shops rn bc I spent the whole afternoon trying to find something to wear to the 5 million Christmas dinners I have and everything was either too expensive, too ugly or just looked terrible on me so yeah I’m pretty mad40. What do you want to do after high school? I wanted to study something arts-related like filmmaking, music or dance, you know, the only things I actually used to enjoy but instead of that I decided to study economics because I hate myself41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? I think this depends on the circumstances but in my opinion and taking into account my own experience I’ll always give a second chance, maybe not immediately but eventually, I will.42. If you’re being extremely quiet what does it mean? It means I’m being me haha43. Do you smile at strangers? I try to but it’s scary45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning? I have no reason to get out of bed in the morning besides the fact that if I stop doing the things I should do I’ll never be able to catch up and everyone will go on with their lives while I stay the same and become mediocre and that’s just inconceivable to me. So basically I don’t live for myself but for the expectations people have of me.48. Have you ever been drunk? Yes and I wish I was rn honestly49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about? Yes and since I don’t want to tell anyone I won’t say what it is52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself? I wish I wasn’t worried about literally everything because it’s so tiring and it keeps me from thinking about more important stuff64. Tell us the story of your first kiss? About a month ago I was at this party and everyone was telling me one of my friends I had been talking to for a while wanted to hook up with me and I kinda wanted to too but I’m too shy and anxious to make any moves so I got drunk, and after avoiding him like 6546 times (bc I was really worried I would look stupid not bc I didn’t want to) I finally kissed him in front of an entire crowd of strangers and all my friends found out about it right afterwards so it was like a public event and I felt really exposed so yeah it wan’t ideal~ but also not the worst (I cringed so much while writing this, it was so awkward my god)69. Are you watching tv right now? Not right now but I’m about to watch the new episode of Crazy ex-girlfriend 72. How many pillows do you sleep with? 2, one for my head and other by my side to keep me some company (I’m so lonely oh my god)73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? A shar-pei puppy dog I have since I was born (it’s so so cute I love it his name is wrinkles)75. Favourite animal? Cats are not only my favourite animals but one of my favourite things on earth78. Favourite ice cream flavour? since ice cream is my favourite food I can’t really choose one flavour (anything but banana flavour tho)81. Favourite tv show? GoT and Mr Robot I can’t choose but there are so many82. Favourite movie? Billy Elliot86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo? Bruce the shark, he deserves more recognition94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have? I own lots of sweaters because you can never own enough sweaters (until you run out of space in your closet which is what’s happening to me)95. Last movie you watched? Tulip Fever. Not one of my favourites but last night I felt like watching some historic drama and romance shit (love it every once in a while). Alicia Vikander and Dane Dehaan tho98. Do you tan a lot? I used to but since I rarely leave my room during the summer I’ve become The Pale Friend™ 99. Have any pets? Two cats and I used to have fish but they weren’t my thing and I decided that no more fish would die because of me (I really tried but they just didn’t survive idk why)100. How are you feeling? I’m feeling really anxious right now and I can’t sleep. Partly it’s because I’ve got a lot of papers to write and a presentation on Monday and none of them are going especially well tbh, but there’s something else that is making me feel extremely uneasy and bad about myself and idk what it is but I’d like it to stop thank you very much102. Do you regret anything from your past? I regret not being able to enjoy these last 3 or 4 years of my life because they could’ve been some of the best years of my life but I was so full of sadness and hatred I just couldn’t pay attention to anything else108. What should you be doing? sleeping since 1 am but it’s 4 am and here we are115. Do you play the Wii? Who would I be without Just dance and Animal Crossing 116. Are you listening to music right now? yes, Rainbow Veins by Owl City (how unexpected)117. Do you like chicken noodle soup? I had that for dinner and it was beautiful118. Do you like Chinese food? The other day I cried tears of happiness because my mom ordered Chinese food for lunch119. Favourite book? Memorias the Idhún120. Are you afraid of the dark? Not so much now but not so long ago I would get what now I can consider almost panic attacks because the dark made me feel so anxious. I’d stay paralysed in my bed, feeling my arms numb and I can swear I heard stuff in my head and I got the feeling that I was literally dying.126. Are you currently bored? A little (these are a lot of questions but I want to finish them now)129. What your zodiac sign? Taurus131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? This is happening right now and I don’t like him that way so I just try to keep everything the same but also I try to keep the distances so he doesn’t misinterpret things (this makes me feel so bad for him sometimes but I’m trying to make him see that not liking him romantically doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy being with him). Let’s hope it works.133. Favourite lyrics right now? “I’ve been down the very road you’re walking now / It doesn’t have to be so dark and lonesome / It takes a while but we can figure this thing out / And turn it back around” from It’s only life by The Shins.137. How tall are you? 164cm which I think is 5,3 feet138. Curly or Straight hair? My hair is curly af and it’s very inconvenient for… life you know140. Summer or Winter? Summer because of the holidays winter because of the feeling141. Night or Day? Night145. Tea or Coffee? Tea but coffee has been saving my life these past weeks146. Was today a good day? Today was a wasted and disappointing day.150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page? “Con Elodin nunca se sabe —dije—. Si no está loco, es el mejor actor que he conocido jamás” from The Wise Man’s Fear. It translates to something like “’Who can say with Elodin?’ I said. ‘If he isn’t crazy, he’s the best actor I’ve ever met.’”
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