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thisissirius · 3 years

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must i imagine you there [ao3 link] eddie/buck, eddie week day three: competence + “we’re getting out of this.” bombs. hurt/comfort. fear of death. drama :))))

“Buck,” Eddie says, “stop moving.”

It’s a testament to how well they work together that Buck immediately stops. “What?”

Eddie slowly sinks to his knees, studying the device they’ve inadvertently disturbed. “Shit.”

“Eddie.” Buck’s still not moved, and Eddie relaxes a fraction. “What’s going on?”

“It’s a bomb,” Eddie says, because Buck deserves the truth. “Motion sensors. That red light on your chest?”

“The trigger,” Buck says. It’s the lack of inflection that hits Eddie. “You should go.”

Eddie ignores him, reaches for his radio. “Cap, you there?”

There’s a crackle from the other end. “Diaz? You okay?”

Buck shakes his head. Again, Eddie ignores him. “We’re in the basement. Cap, there’s a bomb.”

“You need to move!”

“Uh, not happening, Cap. It’s motion activated and it’s trigger point is right on Buck.”

______

The bomb itself is rudimentary and obviously self-made. Eddie spends the whole time voices crash over the radio in a cacophony of noise analysing it. Buck’s staying still as he can, breathing heavy, and it’s all Eddie can do to focus on the task at hand.

When he spots the timer, his heart sinks.

“Cap,” Eddie says. Then, louder, “Captain Nash!”

The voices stop.

“There’s a timer.” Eddie meets Buck’s eyes. They’re round, scared, and it breaks Eddie’s heart.

Bobby’s voice is shaky when he comes back on the line. “How long, Eddie?”

Eddie closes his eyes. “Not long enough for the bomb squad.”

______

“You have to go.”

“Shut up, Buck,” Eddie says. The radio is next to his knee and he can hear Bobby, Hen, and Chim on the other end arguing with someone else. Eddie knows they won’t get help here in time.

Buck makes a noise and Eddie looks up. Anger wars with terror on Buck’s face. “You have to go.”

Eddie shakes his head. “No. I’m not leaving. I can defuse this.”

Buck looks more terrified than Eddie's ever seen him. "You were a medic!"

"We were walking into IED fields all the time," Eddie explains as he bends down, studying the homemade device. "You think I didn't learn how to defuse a bomb on the off chance I might have to?"

"Eddie," Buck says, and he sounds wrecked.

"Hey," Eddie says, looking up at him. He lets his confidence shine through; he might not have faced this particular bomb before, but he needs to do this or Buck's dead, they're both dead, and they have a kid to get home to. "I'm not gonna let you die, you hear me?"

Buck doesn't say anything.

Eddie stands smoothly, hands up in front of him. Less to protect himself and more so that he shows Buck he's taking this seriously. "I'm getting you out of this, Buck. I promise.”

“It’s not that.” Buck’s eyes drop to the bomb, then back up. He swallows, shakes his head. “You can’t do that in time.”

“I can,” Eddie says. There’s no other option; Eddie isn’t leaving Buck here to die.

Buck sounds angry when he says, “You can’t stay and watch me die!”

I can, is on the tip of Eddie’s tongue, but he doesn’t say. He peels off his gloves and lets out a shaky breath. “Cap?”

“Eddie,” Bobby sounds strong but concerned. “You can’t do this.”

“I have to,” Eddie says, watching the time tick further away from them. “Buck doesn’t have that long.”

Bobby doesn’t want him to do this; the brass probably don’t want him to do this, and the bomb squad definitely won’t, but Eddie’s not about to let his best friend die because of red tape. “Eddie, if this goes wrong—”

Buck dies.

The words ring out and Eddie refuses to acknowledge them.

“It won’t.” Looking up at Buck, he begs him to understand. “We’re getting out of this.”

“Chris,” Buck says, a pleading note to his voice.

Eddie nods. “You think I wanna go home, look him in the eye and tell him I left you alone?”

Buck’s eyes widen, his lips parting and he closes his eyes. “I’m scared.”

“I know,” Eddie says quietly. He shifts closer to the bomb, tries to get a grip on his emotions when his hands shake. He can’t afford anything to go wrong.

“Eddie.” Buck’s voice is quiet. “If you stay—”

Eddie shrugs, peeling back the debris from around the device. It’s not unlike some of the shoddily made IEDs when he was in Afghanistan. At least the ones he remembers taking apart and putting back together a hundred times until he understood them. Blowing out a slow breath, he ignores the timer, the red light hovering over Buck, and concentrates on the device itself.

“Tell me about Mango,” he says, when the silence draws on too much.

Buck huffs a sigh. “You’re trying to distract me.”

“I’m trying to distract us both,” Eddie admits. “I need you to talk, Buck.”

Silence. Then, quietly, “You’ll watch me die.”

It’s not what Eddie wants to talk about and he feels chilled. Swallowing down the urge to snap back, he’s suddenly glad for the kit they brought with them. “Shit.”

“Eddie,” Buck says again, louder. “Please—”

“Buck,” Eddie snaps. “Neither of us is dying, but if I can’t get this bomb to stop, I’m not leaving you to die alone!”

________________

Eddie sheds his jacket.

It’s hot; sweat running down his forehead and he can only imagine how Buck’s doing.

The bomb is complex, but Eddie can do this. The timer won’t let him rest for a second more than he needs to. Buck’s breathing heavy. Bobby and the others have stopped talking.

Silence descends and Eddie takes a deep breath.

“I’m having a niece,” Buck says, breaking the silence.

Eddie sends him a silent thanks, and exposes the wires. “Yeah?”

“Maddie told me last night,” Buck explains. His arms are straining from holding still so long and Eddie wishes he could go faster, but he can’t get this wrong. “I was gonna tell you later.”

“They have a name yet?”

Buck shakes his head carefully. “No. I keep trying to convince them Eva is a great name.”

Eddie laughs, sticks the clippers between his teeth and gets his fingers between the wires. The light is dangerously close to his left hand and he takes a few deep breaths. “Why not Edie?”

There’s a laugh there, Eddie knows, but Buck keeps still. “Fuck you. Not while I’m near death.”

“Sorry,” Eddie says. He cuts one of the wires, biting at his bottom lip.

It takes Buck a little longer to speak; Eddie cuts another wire, thinks he’s narrowed down the one for the timer. He doesn’t wanna cut that one. “I love you.”

Eddie pauses. “Don’t.”

“Please,” Buck says quietly. “I need to—”

“You think I don’t know?” Eddie glances at the timer, then looks up at Buck.

Buck swallows. “Eddie.”

Eddie shakes his head, focuses back on the task at hand and cuts another wire. “Don’t say goodbye,” he says, through gritted teeth. “Please.”

“I love Chris,” Buck says, plowing on as if he can’t hear Eddie loud and clear. Eddie ignores him, tries to pick up a bit of speed because he can’t do this, he can’t. “He’ll be a good cousin.”

Oh.

Fuck no. “Buck.”

“You’ll be a great uncle,” Buck says, his voice wobbling. “Mango’s lucky.” Then, quietly, “I’ve been lucky.”

“Please,” Eddie whispers again, fingers trembling as he narrows down the last couple of wires. The timer’s picked up speed and he can feel worry clawing at his chest. “Buck—”

Buck sobs and Eddie’s heart shatters. “I’m lucky you came to LA. That you listened to Bobby. That you—that you were mine, even for a little—”

“No,” Eddie snaps, isolating the last wire. “You’re not dying and you don’t get to—”

0:10.

“Eddie—”

0:07.

“No, stop—”

0:05.

“Eddie!”

__________

“You can let go,” Bobby says.

Eddie blinks, stares down at the device, then up at Bobby. “Bobby?”

Concerned, Bobby slides a hand down Eddie’s arm, takes the clippers from hands that won’t work. “Eddie, you with me?”

“Buck,” Eddie says, forcing himself to shaky feet.

“Outside,” Bobby says. He meets Eddie’s gaze, holds it. “You checked out.”

Eddie collapses forward and Bobby catches him. Eddie can’t stop the trembling, from gasping out Buck’s name.

“You did it,” Bobby says, holding him. “You did it, Eddie, you can breathe.”

_______

The water washes away almost everything.

The heaviness remains in Eddie’s chest and he can’t stop the racing of his heart.

When he comes out of the showers, he sits on the bench.

Buck’s at the hospital, everyone clamouring to make sure he’s okay. Eddie feels adrift without him, like he’s gonna float away if he doesn’t find something to ground him. He’s talked to Chris; made sure Carla can drop him off when he and Buck make it back home. If Buck wants to go with him. He doesn’t know if—

“Hey.”

Eddie’s head snaps up. Buck’s crouched in front of him, hands on Eddie’s knees.

“You keep checking out on people,” Buck says quietly.

“You’re okay,” Eddie whispers.

Buck nods, then breaks, surging forward and dragging Eddie into a hug. Eddie holds on, buries his face in Buck’s neck. “Eddie, fuck, Eddie.”

Eddie doesn’t know what to say. He holds on, revels in the feel of Buck beneath his hands.

When Buck pulls back, he presses a hand to Eddie’s face. He’s shaking, Eddie realises. That, or Eddie is and they’re just a mess of shaking and heavy breathing. It should be gross, but it just means they’re both alive. “If you ever do that again, I’ll kill you myself.”

“Do you,” Eddie starts, cuts himself off. “You can’t ask me to leave. Ever. You can’t ask me to leave you alone.”

Buck stares, then nods quickly. “Okay. But you, you think I wanted you there? Chris needs us both, okay?”

Eddie nods. “I couldn’t leave you,” he says again. “I can’t do this if you’re not right next to me.”

The kiss is expected. The hand to the back of his head is soft.

The ground beneath his feet is solid.

#buddie #buddie fic #evan buckley #eddie diaz #fic by me #eddiediazweek2021 #eddieweek2021 #oops #:))))

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bieddiediaz · 3 years

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for @eddiediazweek day seven: family

thats what the 118 is.

#eddiediazweek2021 #911edit #911 #daily911 #eddie diaz #eddiediazedit #cinemapix #chewieblog #tvedit #ishaedits

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novemberhush · 3 years

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The Gift

@eddiediazweek For the Day 2 prompt.

March 2nd - Day 2: “This is nice.” + soft

It was too much. $606 (plus tax). But at the same time, it wasn’t enough. How could Eddie even begin to repay Buck for all he’s done, all he continues to do, for him and Christopher? If he really were to try to put it in monetary terms he’d need to scrimp and save a hell of a lot more than he already was doing just to pay off this sweater. $606 (plus tax) on his credit card had already meant cutting back on everything he possibly could, everything that wouldn’t impact negatively on Christopher, that is. But it’d all be worth it to see Buck in this ridiculously expensive, ridiculously soft, ridiculously pretty sweater. It’s high-quality cashmere, a beautiful deep blue (‘sapphire’ the woman in the store had called it) colour and the moment Eddie had seen it in the store window he knew he had to get it for Buck. He’d stopped in his tracks, right there, outside the store, a store he’d never usually give a second glance to because he knew guys like him on a wage like his couldn’t afford to shop there.

There it was, though. This sweater that looked like it’d been tailor made for Buck, Eddie knowing nothing about clothes or fashion but somehow sure the cut of it would fit and flatter Buck in all the right ways, showing off his delectable upper body to perfection. As for the colour, well, Buck suited almost every colour under the sun, but this? It was like the gods themselves had conspired to create the perfect shade of blue to complement Buck’s hair and skin tone, to really make the pink of his lips and birthmark pop, and to highlight those incredible eyes of his. Eddie had to have it, and for once in his life he didn’t second guess himself, marching straight into the store, feeling like Julia Roberts in that scene in Pretty Woman where all the snooty sales assistants look down their noses at her but not letting that stop him from making his impulsive purchase. Of course, the second guessing started the moment he stepped back into his truck, looking down at the classy cream and gold rectangular gift box the lady in the store had neatly folded the sweater into in such a way that Eddie knew not to remove it from the box to admire it once more when he got home because he’d never be able to get it folded again so perfectly. It hadn’t stopped him removing the lid and running his hand over the soft fabric at least three times a day since then, though, all the while quashing down thoughts about what a purchase like this said, concerned that it went too far, gave too much away, crossed an invisible line. But then he would remember the top-of-the-line coffee maker Buck had bought him, albeit under the guise of a prank because he knew Eddie needed his java every day but would never drop that kind of money on himself, and his worries eased just a little. Because, sure, Buck was generous with everyone, and as a single guy with no dependents he had a little more disposable income to play around with than Eddie, but he wasn’t going around buying Hen, Chim, Bobby, or anyone else for that matter, expensive presents for no real reason other than he wanted to. Buck had been saying something with the gift, even if he hadn’t realized it himself. Eddie could only hope he was saying the same thing Eddie was saying with this sweater. So now it was time to give it to Buck. His birthday was still months away and Eddie didn’t want to (couldn’t, if he was honest) wait that long. He’d missed Christmas, only spotting the sweater in late January, and there was no way in hell he was giving it to Buck on Valentine’s Day. No matter how much Eddie felt a gift like this exposed about how he felt about Buck, there was still a little room for plausible deniability should it quickly become obvious Buck hadn’t been sending the same message Eddie was with his gift, but presenting it to him on Valentine’s Day would have left no doubt about what the gift meant. Valentine’s Day had been and gone now, though, and Eddie knew he either had to bite the bullet and give Buck the sweater or hide

it away at the back of his closet for evermore. And, yeah, the irony of being stuck in a closet for the rest of time was not lost on Eddie, thank you very much. He didn’t have time to think much more about it, though, it fast approaching 11 o’clock, the time he’d arranged for Buck to call round, ostensibly so they could have brunch and hang out a little on their day off until it was time to go collect Chris from school and maybe take him to the park to feed the ducks before all heading home together for a cosy night in. Eddie had specifically chosen to invite Buck round while Chris was at school so he wouldn’t be tempted to use his son as a buffer between them. He’d also asked Buck not to tell Chris he was coming, on the pretext they could surprise Chris, but really it was because if Buck realized what Eddie was saying with this gift and ran for the hills then at least Chris wouldn’t be disappointed at not seeing his Buck when he had been expecting to. It would also give Eddie some time to try to put the pieces of his heart back together enough so he could muster up a brave face for his son, although Eddie knew they’d never fit together quite the same way again if Buck was the one to break his heart. There would be no getting over him. A knock at the door interrupted his thoughts, shattering the too loud silence that always seemed to settle around the house when he was there alone without Chris and/or Buck’s presence to both ground him and lift him up. He instantly recognized Buck’s familiar enthusiastic rap. Right on time, as always, never seeming to want to miss a single second he could be spending with Chris and Eddie, but never wanting to intrude by arriving too early either. Not that either Eddie or Chris would mind, but if Eddie often feared he wasn’t enough then Buck matched him with his anxiety about being too much. Swallowing down his nerves, he cast one more glance at the gift box sitting on the coffee table and went to let Buck in, going through the motions of greeting his best friend (and maybe more, if he was lucky), trying to act like today was a day just like any other. Of course, Buck knew him too well for that. Eddie had never known anyone who could read him so well or so easily as Buck. “Eddie, you okay?” he asked, genuine concern etched into every crevice of his face. When Eddie just nodded, Buck changed tack, aiming for lighthearted but his eyes giving away the fact he was still worried. “Are you sure? Because I could go grab you some laxatives, if you want. Might help with that constipated look you’re sporting.” Eddie snorted, glad to feel some of the tension he was holding in his body melt away. Buck had always been able to do that. “Nice, dude, real nice,” he joked back before his eye caught on the gift box and he remembered what he had asked Buck here for. Deciding he couldn’t wait any longer and not even giving Buck time to take off his jacket or sit down, Eddie grabbed the box off the table, practically shoving it into Buck’s hands. “Here, this is for you,” he mumbled, praying Buck would be too distracted by the gift to notice the blush Eddie could feel creeping across his face. Buck stared at the gift box in his hands for a moment, confusion clear in his expression. “For me? Why? What’s the occasion? It’s not my birthday,” he finally spoke up. “No occasion,” Eddie shrugged. “I just… saw it and thought of you.” “Eddie…” “Just open it,” Eddie cut in, the soft way Buck had breathed his name turning his insides to mush. “And it’s okay if you don’t like it, you don’t have to pretend if you don’t. But I think you will like it. Well, I hope so anyway,” he babbled, the words rushing out of him. Gulping in a deep breath in an attempt to stop his rambling and centre himself, he gestured to the box. “Go on,” he urged, “take a look.” Buck held his gaze for a second longer, leaving Eddie feeling flayed open by the intensity of the look in his eyes, before turning his attention again to the gift box. Sitting down on the couch, he set the box back on the coffee table before

leaning forward and gently easing the lid of it. Eddie could swear he heard Buck’s breath hitch when he saw the sweater. “Eddie, this is… wow, man. This is nice. I mean, this is… this is really nice. And it’s so soft!” he said, a look of wonder lighting up his face as he trailed his fingers across the fabric in a way that had Eddie ashamed to admit he was feeling envious of a sweater. A sweater, for God’s sake! A very nice $606 (plus tax!) sweater, but a sweater all the same. “I… Eddie, I can’t accept this,” Buck said then, turning towards him, a pinched look replacing the one of wonder on his face. “You can, and you will,” Eddie insisted, rolling his eyes at the earnestness in those blue eyes that had seen through him so many times but never seemed to help Buck see his own self-worth. “Go on, try it on,” he said, with a jerk of his chin in the direction of the hall leading to the bedrooms and bathroom, expecting Buck to want to change in private and maybe check out how the sweater looked on him in a mirror. He really should have known better. Buck grinned, standing up to quickly shuck his jacket before grabbing the back of his T-shirt, yanking it off over his head and tossing it in a ball on the couch, leaving Eddie dry-mouthed and weak-kneed at the expanse of smooth, inked skin and firm, taut muscle on display. Sure, he’d seen Buck shirtless more times than he could count, both at work and outside of it, but he had yet to become inured to the sight. Scrambling for something to say to try to fill the silence that had fallen between them, and to cover the way he knew he’d been gaping at his best friend’s bare torso, Eddie quipped, “I hope you’re not gonna treat this sweater the way you just did that poor shirt.” This time it was Buck who rolled his eyes, stepping forward to reach down for said sweater, unfolding it carefully out of the box, as if it was made of spun gold. He held it out in front of him, admiring it for a second, before slipping it over his head and down his torso, strong arms filling the sleeves snugly. Eddie had to remind himself to keep breathing when Buck turned to him, expression soft and bashful, his eyebrows raised in a way that clearly said Well, what do you think? “Perfect,” Eddie whispered. “You’re perfect.” The way Buck’s eyes widened before his whole face softened even more, if that was even possible, alerted Eddie to what he’d said. “I mean, it... it’s perfect. Perfect for you,” he stammered. Embarrassed but unable to stop himself, he added, “I knew it would be,” in a voice that sounded soft and small, unbearably vulnerable and unbelievably fond all at once. But this was Buck. He could be all those things around Buck without fear of judgment or censure or ridicule or pity. “It’s so soft,” Buck said again, looking down at the sweater and slowly dragging his hand down the front of it. “Here, feel,” he said, looking up at Eddie, ridiculously long eyelashes fluttering at him as he held out his arm. Eddie stumbled forward, drawn in like a magnet by those baby blues, assuming Buck wanted him to touch the sleeve of the sweater and indeed feel how soft it was. But when Eddie reached out tentatively to touch the sleeve, Buck surprised him by grabbing hold of his hand, tugging him closer, and placing it directly over Buck’s heart, holding it there as Eddie felt a newfound kinship with every romantic heroine he’d previously mocked who had swooned at every heated glance thrown their way or fainted at the slightest touch of their lover’s hand. “It’ll only get softer!” Eddie blurted out, feeling Buck’s strong, steady heartbeat under his hand as his own started thundering in his chest. “It will?” Buck said, raising another quizzical eyebrow at Eddie’s outburst. “Yeah, yeah, it will. The really good cashmere gets softer with wear and washing. The lady in the store said so and I looked it up online when I got home and she wasn’t bullshitting me.” “That’s… that’s good to know,” Buck smiled. The smile soon gave way to a more serious look, though, and Eddie steeled himself for whatever Buck was

going to say next.

“Eddie, why did you really buy me this? Not that I don’t love it, because I do, don’t get me wrong. I think it’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever given me, and Maddie gave me a Jeep once. But why?”

Eddie swallowed, knowing it was now or never, and never was never really an option, not when it came to Buck and letting him know how much he was loved.

“You know how I said I ‘saw it and thought of you’?”

Buck nodded, encouraging him to keep going with a squeeze of his hand and an open expression, their eyes locking, Eddie unable to look away even if he wanted to. Which he didn’t. He never wanted to look away from Buck.

“Well, it would probably be more accurate to say ‘I was thinking of you and I saw it’,” he said quietly, taking a step closer to Buck and bringing his free hand up to cover Buck’s where it still held his other hand to Buck’s chest.

“Because I’m always thinking of you, Buck. You and Chris, the two halves of my heart, my world entire. It doesn’t matter what I’m doing or how focused I seem on something else, you two are always there. Maybe not always at the forefront of my mind, but you’re there, at the back of it, reminding me of everything I have to come home to, everything I have to fight for. Reminding me of everything I’ve ever wanted. My family. My son. My… you. You, Buck. It’s always you. It’s always going to be you.”

Later, Eddie will remember the soft brush of cashmere under his fingertips as he wrapped his arms around Buck’s shoulders and pulled him impossibly closer. For now, though, he was too caught up in thinking how nothing could be softer than Buck’s lips as they brushed against his own when Buck surged forward and let Eddie know that maybe, just maybe, he was always thinking of Eddie, too.

#EddieDiazWeek2021 #EddieWeek2021 #eddie diaz #buddie

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diazboys · 3 years

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love, don’t let me go | 2.2k words | buddie | established relationship, emotional hurt/comfort, fluff | ao3

written for Eddie Diaz Week 2021 | Day 4: “I don’t deserve this.” + guilt

The firehouse is silent. They’re halfway through a 24-hour shift but it’s been rather calm. Not many calls, only a small house fire, a guy locking himself inside his own car and a fender bender. Eddie doesn't like it. Not the city being relatively good and safe, of course, but the calm. The silence that engulfs the station is driving him mad. It gives him too much time to think and Eddie doesn’t like the kind of thoughts that are swarming his head lately.

For a moment he considers heading to the bunk room but he quickly dismisses it. He won’t be able to sleep anyway and he doesn’t want to disturb anyone. A while ago he sent Buck there so he could get some rest. They were lounging on the couch, watching some late-night history documentary with a crazy amount of conspiracy theories in it. It didn’t take long for Buck to start drifting off. His head slid down Eddie’s shoulder, arms getting looser around his waist. Knowing that if he fell asleep like this, he’d be all stiff and cranky later, Eddie nudged him awake and sent him to bed. He had to promise he’d join and get some rest himself before Buck finally agreed to go, pressing a kiss to Eddie’s lips and walking away with a loud yawn. Eddie intended to keep the promise but… not now.

With a sigh, Eddie gets up from the couch, not even realising that the documentary has ended a while ago. Trying to find himself something to do, he wanders around the empty loft. He opens the fridge, even though he’s not hungry. He empties the dishwasher as quietly as he can and then loads the remaining dirty plates inside. He wipes the counters. Then he puts the notes Hen left on the table into a neat pile, mindful that all the sticky notes stay in their places. Seeing that there’s not much to do here anymore, he considers going downstairs. Maybe he could exercise for a bit. It should do the trick to help clear his mind and maybe tire him enough so he can get some sleep.

Eddie drags his hand across his face in a frustrated gesture. Before he can do anything, he hears a voice coming from behind.

“You okay, Eddie?”

Taking a slow breath, Eddie turns around to face Bobby. He hopes that his face doesn’t show too many of the emotions rumbling in his head. It’s a futile hope, according to Buck. He always makes fun of Eddie for having the most expressive face he’s ever seen. The thought almost puts a smile on Eddie’s face.

“Yeah, I’m good, Cap,” Eddie says.

Bobby’s watchful eyes don’t leave Eddie but there’s worry written all over his face when he asks, “You sure? You seem a bit… restless. And you’ve been a bit distant for the past few days.”

Eddie sighs. It’s true. He just hoped he could deal with it quickly enough so that nobody would point it out. When they’re on a call, Eddie always stays focused on the job, but when they’re all just hanging around Eddie gets too caught up in his own head to laugh at the jokes or bite back at the mocking. Buck has been bugging him about it every day, because of course he realised. He was the first one to. But how can Eddie tell him when it’s all Buck’s fault?

No, he corrects himself. It’s not Buck’s fault. He has done absolutely nothing wrong and Eddie doesn’t have the right to look at it that way. Everything that is happening, is because of him.

“No, it’s—,” Eddie starts, trying to clear his head. “Just a bit tired. Got some things on my mind. That’s all.”

Not looking entirely convinced, Bobby nods and slowly moves closer to the table. Eddie’s fingers are wrapped around the back of the chair in front of him but he doesn’t sit when Bobby does so across from him. But he doesn’t run away, either.

“Something’s up with Christopher?” Bobby prods gently and when Eddie shakes his head, he carefully adds, “With Buck?”

Eddie clenches his jaw. It’s just a small gesture, but Bobby still notices. “You guys had a fight?”

“No, it’s not—,” Eddie says and feels very tired all of sudden. The legs scrape loudly against the floor as Eddie pulls at the chair and drops down on it. “It’s great. Buck’s great. I’m— really happy with him.”

“But?”

“But that’s the problem,” Eddie shakes his head with a sad smile. “I’m not sure if we should— If I should— Maybe it wasn’t a good idea.”

A non-committal hum leaves Bobby’s mouth as he waits for Eddie to continue. When he doesn’t, Bobby asks, “Why? He makes you happy. I can clearly see that you make him happy. And you’ve mentioned that Christopher took it more than well. So what happened?”

Eddie bites at his upper lip, trying to gather his thoughts and keep his emotions at bay. It wasn’t the kind of conversation he wanted to have right now. Or ever, probably. But Bobby was looking at him with this soft, worried look and Eddie felt like maybe it could lessen the knot that has been slowly tightening in his stomach for weeks. Maybe from the very moment he first kissed Buck, in the dim light of his own living room when they were watching some stupid cartoon, Buck’s eyes bright and happy as he looked down at Christopher, asleep and curled tightly against Buck’s side. It didn’t change that much between them, the kiss. But at the same time, it changed everything and Eddie felt like he was standing on top of a mountain. He wanted to admire the beautiful view but kept his eyes firmly on the ground, to make sure he won’t trip and fall into the precipice.

“Nothing. Not yet, at least,” Eddie says and then words start falling out of his mouth before he can stop them. “But Shannon made me happy, too. And she was happy with me. Before I messed it all up and ran away and she left because she didn’t know what else to do. There are so many things,” Eddie says slowly through gritted teeth, “that I’ve messed up in my life. I can’t mess this up. I can’t lose Buck.”

“Who said you’re gonna lose him?”

“I’ve been a bad son, a horrible father and even worse husband. I’ve done so many things that I regret now but can’t fix. Why would I be a good boyfriend to Buck?” Eddie looks at Bobby but quickly averts his gaze as he feels his eyes burning. “And Buck is— He’s good. He loves Christopher endlessly and Christopher loves him just as much. He’s so caring and thoughtful and there’s still so much kindness in him. I admire him and I can’t believe he— He’s always there to catch me when I need it and he’s— He’s everything. And I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve him.”

If Eddie wasn’t trying so hard to keep himself together, he would probably feel embarrassed for laying his heart out for his captain like this. He wasn’t one for speeches or talking about feelings. But he knew Bobby would understand. Bobby knew Buck. Bobby, who was more of a father to Buck that his real father was, knew that Buck was a good person, one of the best. He knew that he deserved everything good from the world. And Eddie couldn’t give him that.

“Eddie,” Bobby’s voice is soft when he leans across the table, trying to catch Eddie’s eyes. He doesn’t continue, so eventually Eddie looks up at him. “You’re a good person. You’re so much more than the mistakes you’ve made in the past. They don’t define who you are. You’ve made a choice. A conscious choice to change, to try again, to keep going, and you’ve done all the hard work and put in effort to do this. And that’s what matters. You deserve to be happy, Eddie.”

Looking away, Eddie shakes his head and bites the inside of his cheek. “But what if it doesn’t work out? Again? I don’t know what I’d do without him. And I was perfectly happy with being just his friend. So maybe we should just… try to fix it and go back to where we were before it’s too late. Maybe we should—” he stops, not able to voice the thought that has been haunting him for the past week.

“There’s no reason for fixing something that’s not broken, Eddie,” Bobby says. “I’m pretty sure Buck doesn’t want to lose you, either. You mean too much to each other to just give up. No matter what life throws your way, I know you two can figure it out. You said you regretted running away before. So don’t. Stay and let yourself be happy. You can’t base your life on what if’s.”

It all makes sense. Eddie knows it does but it’s so hard to believe sometimes. There’s no doubt about his feelings for Buck. He has been in love with him before he even knew how to call the sense of warmth and peace that overtook him every time Buck was around. And he hasn’t doubted Buck’s feelings for a second, either. And Eddie knows that there’s nothing in the world that would make him happier than going through life with Buck by his side, than making a place for him in Eddie’s family. As if he wasn’t part of it the second he appeared in his and Christopher’s life. The fear that’s been looming over his head, the guilt that’s been haunting him didn’t let him see all of this.

“You deserve every good thing in your life. Even when it’s hard to accept it. Especially if it is.” Bobby’s hand is heavy when it lands on Eddie’s shoulder, giving him a comforting squeeze.

Eddie only nods, trying to swallow the lump in his throat. He hopes that Bobby can see the gratefulness he wants to express. And judging by the warm smile on his captain’s face, he can.

“...Eddie?”

They both look up, startled by the noise. Buck is standing at the top of the stairs, hesitant. His hair is mussed from sleep and he looks between the two of them with a worried expression.

Turning back to Eddie, Bobby gives his shoulder one more squeeze and after getting a shaky smile in response, he gets up. On his way downstairs, he passes Buck, giving him a pat on the shoulder and a smile and then he’s gone. For a moment, Buck just stands there, looking after Bobby with a confused frown. Then he unfreezes and rushes towards Eddie.

“Eddie, are you—,” Buck starts, pulling up a chair for himself and he sits, turning his whole body towards Eddie. “Is everything okay?”

Eddie nods, trying to smile and stop the tears at the same time. They are not the same, miserable tears that welled up in his eyes not-so-long ago. They are happy tears because Eddie is the happiest man alive. But Buck doesn’t know this. And so the worried wrinkle on his forehead only deepens as he leans closer to Eddie, taking his hand into his.

“But you’re— Did something happen? I’m freaking out, Eds, just talk to me, please.”

Instead of doing that, Eddie just laughs wetly and leans forward to press a soft kiss to Buck’s lips.

“Everything is great, I promise,” Eddie says, smiling. His hands cup Buck’s face as he kisses him again. “You make me so happy, Buck. I love you so much.”

“And… that’s what you’ve been talking with Bobby about?” Buck raises an eyebrow and the worry is slowly replaced by a small smile.

“Basically,” Eddie chuckles. “I just needed some sense talked into me.”

Buck hums, clearly curious but he doesn’t ask. “Well, Bobby’s good at that. And I’m happy with the conclusions you guys have made. I love you too, in case you were wondering.”

God, Eddie can’t believe he considered leaving this wonderful man, considered walking out of the best thing in his life. It feels so stupid now.

“You couldn’t sleep?” Eddie asks, brushing his thumb across Buck’s cheek.

“I know you lied and didn’t intend to get any rest unless I dragged you downstairs,” Buck raises an eyebrow at him.

Eddie makes a shocked face, “Did I ever lie to you? Name one time I lied to you.”

“You said you liked the casserole I made last week and I saw you giving half of your serving to Christopher,” Buck points out.

“Green beans, Buck! You know I don’t like green beans!”

When Buck shakes his head at him, the fondness and love written all over his face as he leans for another kiss, Eddie feels the knot in his stomach disappearing completely. Finally, he can see that this happiness is not something he should or could ever leave behind. He still has his fears and worries, they won't just disappear like that. But if there's one thing that he and Buck know is that you have to fight for the things you love. No matter how hard it might be. And this thing they have is way too important to give up on.

#eddiediazweek2021 #eddieweek2021 #buddie fic #buddie #911 #911 fic #eddie diaz #evan buckley #my writing #let me know what u think ♥#with every fic they get a little bit longer lmao #we'll see how it looks by the end of the week

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buckactuallys · 3 years

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Eddie Diaz Week Day 4: “I don’t deserve this.” + guilt

buck/eddie, 1.7k. [read on ao3]

Somehow, it’s always in the middle of the night halfway through a gruelling shift that Bobby finds Eddie going through some shit.

Their last call was a nightmare, more people DOA than still alive, and even more they lost on scene. It’s been silent at the station since they got back, most of them trying to find comfort one way or another, dispersing to call their loved ones if they can, or into the bunk room to try and block everything out.

Buck has stuck close to Eddie’s side the whole time, both to comfort and to be comforted. It should be scary, how well Buck knows him, that he knows exactly what Eddie needs without ever having to hear him say it.

Eddie never wants to talk after these kinds of things, doesn’t see the point in rehashing things he can’t change anymore. And he’s never been particularly great at talking about his feelings, still isn’t.

Buck knows all of that and respects it, even though he’s way more of a talker than Eddie is. He hasn’t tried to broach the subject with Eddie at all, but he’s been by his side since they got back to the station, a solid warmth at his shoulder, reminding Eddie that he’s here and alive. So Eddie knows Buck hasn’t talked about it either.

Earlier, they’d been sitting at the table next to each other, touching from shoulders down to their ankles, and Buck had taken out the notebook his therapist had suggested he get for when he can’t talk about what’s going on in his head. Eddie sat next to him while he scribbled into it, and something ugly twisted in his gut.

Here he was, right next to Buck, having gone through the same damn thing, making him write his thoughts down instead of just talking to him. And Buck never even seemed to hold it against him.

Now he’s asleep with his head pillowed on Eddie’s lap, curled in on himself and one hand gripping the fabric of Eddie’s pants tightly.

Eddie can’t sleep. There’s a war going on inside of him, two equally big emotions fighting for dominance.

On one hand, there’s the tenderness and love he feels for Buck, the wish to protect him from everything coming their way. On the other, there is the guilt and self-loathing he feels for putting himself first anyway, for prioritising his aversion to talking over Buck’s need to. How can he do that to the man he loves?

“Eddie,” Bobby’s quiet voice interrupts his thoughts as their captain sits down opposite him, a worried frown on his face. “Are you alright?”

And maybe it’s that they’ve had these middle of the night conversations often enough already for Eddie to be used to opening up eventually, but Bobby doesn’t have to do any prying before it bursts out of him. “I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve him.”

Bobby’s eyebrows raise. “Buck?”

Eddie gives an aborted shrug and can’t quite look Bobby in the eyes. He’s spilled his guts to the poor guy so many times, he shouldn’t be embarrassed anymore - but he doesn’t want to see the pity on Bobby’s face. Doesn’t deserve that either.

“Why do you think that?”

“Because,” Eddie swallows, trying to find words for what he’s feeling, “he’s too good for me. I mean...you know how he is, Bobby. He gives so much of himself to make other people happy, to make me happy, and I...I can’t even meet him halfway. What do I have to offer?”

“I think you’re being a bit hard on yourself, Eddie.”

“Am I, though? I take and I take without giving anything back. I was a bad husband to Shannon, I’m a bad boyfriend to Buck, he would be better off without me dragging him down-”

“Have you talked to Buck about this?” Bobby interrupts, and Eddie lets out a bitter laugh.

“No, because I can’t even do that, can’t do it when it comes to my feelings or his, and now he doesn’t think he can talk to me about things like what happened tonight, but what would I even say, Bobby? I don’t know how to help, I never have the right words anyway.”

Bobby sighs. “We had a rough call tonight, Eddie, and everyone deals with it in their own way. And that’s okay! I’m sure Buck doesn’t expect anything more than what you can give from you. But for what it’s worth, I think you should try to talk to him about this anyway. If only to hear it from him.”

“Why are you so sure of what he’ll say?”

“Because I know him. And so do you, when you’re not too busy feeling guilty for things you aren’t guilty of.”

Eddie purses his lips, trying to keep the tears he can feel welling up at bay. “So you don’t think I’m acting like an egoistic asshole? Cause I’m pretty sure I am.”

“If you really think you only take from Buck and don’t give anything back to him, you need to talk to him even more than I thought you did.”

Bobby sounds almost disappointed, and it kind of knocks Eddie off balance. He seems to think it’s so obvious that Eddie is wrong. It makes him want to consider that maybe he isn’t looking at things very objectively right now.

“You make that man so happy,” Bobby continues, and his voice softens. “He has had to go through so much, and you were there for him through it all. He felt like he didn’t belong anywhere, and you gave him a family.”

“We all did that, though.”

“Yes, and we mean it - but it’s different with you. You gave him Christopher, and not just that: you gave him your trust with your son, and I think you quite literally saved him with that.” Bobby also has tears in his eyes now and Eddie swallows thickly. “My point is, you don’t have to talk about everything, Eddie, that’s not who you are. But some things need to be talked about, especially if they make you sit here and hate yourself if you don’t. You don’t deserve that, Eddie.”

Eddie wipes his eyes and gives Bobby a small smile. “Thanks, Cap.”

“Try and catch some sleep too, hm? I’m sure you’ll feel better after.”

Eddie nods and watches as Bobby walks away, feeling much better than before. He still doesn’t feel great about essentially leaving Buck alone to process, but hearing Bobby say that there are things he’s given Buck - maybe it’s not as bad as he thought it was. Clearly, he’s a work in progress, and clearly, he still needs to work on both communication and self-image.

Buck’s hand on his knee uncurls from the fabric of his pants, and Eddie sighs, running a careful hand through Buck’s hair.

“Did you hear any of that?”

“Most of it,” Buck murmurs and sits up, looking at Eddie. “I wasn’t sleeping very deeply when you two started talking.”

Eddie looks down at his hands in his lap. “I’m sorry. For leaving you alone to deal with it.”

“Eddie,” Buck says, scooting closer and taking Eddie’s hands in his, squeezing until Eddie squeezes back. “Eddie, listen to me. Is...is that what you think happened? Cause it’s not what I remember. You haven’t left my side since the last call, have you?”

“Yeah, but I didn’t talk to you about it.” He sounds ashamed when he says it, and still feels the guilt heavy on his chest.

“Did I ask you to talk about it? No. I know you don’t like talking about the rough calls, but that’s not even why I didn’t say anything. You were there right next to me, and that was all I needed. All I need. You always give me exactly what I need.” He lets go of one of Eddie’s hands and places his free one at the back of Eddie’s neck, leaning down until he can meet Eddie’s eyes. “If I wanted anything else, I would’ve asked, or gone to someone else.”

“Yeah?” Eddie asks, reaching out until he can get a hand on Buck’s shirt, wanting to be closer still.

“I love you, you idiot,” Buck says softly, following the pull from Eddie’s hand and pressing his forehead to Eddie’s. “And like Bobby said - you’ve given me so much, and you make me so damn happy. You’re the one person I trust with absolutely everything, and before you, no one’s ever given me that kind of trust back. When all that shit was happening with my parents, you were the only one I felt like I could talk to about everything, and you listened, and understood. You know me, Eddie, and I know you. And even when we deal with things differently sometimes, I know you’re always there for me. Do you know how long it took me to accept that I was deserving of your love? Many therapy sessions, you can believe that. But I learned that we’re both imperfect people with flaws and with baggage, but all that matters is that we make each other happy.”

Smiling, Eddie brushes their noses together softly. “You’re so smart sometimes.”

Buck snorts. “Asshole.”

Eddie presses a kiss to his lips, then another. “I love you, too. And thank you. For putting up with me and my moods.”

“It’s not “putting up with you”,” Buck says seriously, leaning back a little so he can look at Eddie. “I love all of you. Insecurities and self-doubts included, even though I wish you didn’t feel them. And you deserve that love, Eds.”

“God,” Eddie groans, squeezing his eyes shut against the tears that are threatening to spill again. “I love you so much.”

Buck laughs a little and pulls him all the way in, holding him close. “I know, but you definitely need some sleep now, you’re not usually this teary. Come on, we can even share a bunk and endure the inevitable teasing tomorrow and probably for the rest of our lives.”

Eddie grins and cuddles even closer to Buck. “I can live with that.”

With Buck by his side, it sometimes feels like he can withstand everything.

#eddiediazweek2021 #eddieweek2021 #buddie #buddie fic #911 #911 fic #pia writes #i'm...not sure how i feel about this one #and then tumblr didn't want to let me post this ugh #so now i'm cranky jsjsdj

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cirrius-akiyo · 3 years

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This is a shout out to all writers out there who had provided us with quality 911 contents these past few weeks!

I've never been so happy to be way behind my reading logs, so kudos to all of you awesome matha-writers!

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caroandcats · 3 years

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Eddie Diaz Week || Day One: Eddie + colours

(911 cross stitch)

#eddiediazweek2021 #eddie diaz #911 fox #cross stitch #so i loved cross stitching when i was around 10 #and i randomly got back to it last month #i kind of forgot how to do everything hence why the heart looks like that lmao #*#911 art #my cross stitch #bi!eddie has my whole heart #911 cross stitch #*mine

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reignsforever · 3 years

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together. eddie/buck. 1150 words. established relationship. read on ao3. written for @eddiediazweek

Walking up the steps of his front porch, Eddie finds himself taking a deep breath and holding it for a few minutes, before exhaling, resting his head against the wood of his door and closing his eyes. He’s returning from a twenty-four hour shift from hell - a shift where he wasn’t with anyone he knew or was comfortable with, since he traded with Anderson, and a shift that had call after call after call, with most of the calls ending quite badly. All Eddie really wanted to do was enter his home and fall onto the couch with his kid and his boyfriend and just -- relax, for the first time all night.

Of course, he’s not quite sure that his wish for the remainder of the night will happen, not when he can hear Chris’ laughter through the door and Buck’s own soft chuckle in response. He knows that if he were to look through the small window on the door, he would see Chris on the floor in front of the television, a puzzle or a book or some toy on the table in front of him. Buck would be on the couch, watching the television and Chris at the same time - or maybe the two of them both on the couch, Chris tucked under Buck’s arm, head thrown back as he laughed.

It’s a sight that has always warmed Eddie’s heart - to see how his son took to his boyfriend, even before Buck was his boyfriend. How close they were, and how Buck treated Chris like he was any other boy. It’s a sight that pushes Eddie forward, because even if he doesn’t get to relax immediately upon opening the door, he knows that just seeing his two favorite people in the entire world will help calm him down and relax him from the tiring day he’s had. Removing his head from the door, Eddie opens it and steps inside, a smile on his face when Chris looks up - he’s on the ground, just like he originally thought - and excitedly calls out for him.

“How was the shift?” Buck asks after a moment, and Eddie finds himself letting out a small huff of breath as he removes his shoes, runs his fingers through Chris’ hair as he walks past with a quick kiss to his kids head before he ends up on the couch next to Buck, tilting his head back as he lets out another groan.

“Not a very good one. Could’ve used you there, to be honest,” Eddie finds himself whispering in response, before shifting to rest his head on Buck’s shoulder as he wraps his arms around Eddie’s shoulders, a small frown on his face.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Buck asks and Eddie finds himself humming softly before shaking his head and burrowing into his boyfriend’s side a little bit more.

“Just being here with you and Chris is helping,” Eddie replies after a minute, letting out a small yawn. He knows he’s going to need to head to bed soon, but for now, he’s fine where he is. He watches Chris as he continues to color, his tongue peeking out every few seconds when he focuses on trying not to go over certain lines and it takes everything inside of Eddie to not let out a small chuckle at how adorable his son is, even though he’s almost twelve now.

“How was your day?” Eddie asks after a moment, another yawn slipping free, eyes closing briefly. He finds himself blinking though when he feels Buck tensing and then relaxing. Eddie moves once more so he’s no longer leaning against Buck’s shoulder and chest, but sitting next to him completely, looking at him with a small amount of confusion.

“What happened?” He asks, and he watches as Buck lets out a soft huff of breath before he shifts on the couch to turn and look towards Eddie.

“The surrogate agency called,” Buck says and Eddie finds his eyes widening as he leans back, nerves coursing through him. The two of them decided, about a year ago, that they wanted kids together, wanted their family to grow and everything has been going so well - they found a surrogate who was willing, decided it would be Buck who was the biological Dad, made so many decisions and --

“The uh - the pregnancy took,” Buck says with a soft smile and Eddie can feel himself laughing in happiness before he leans forward and kisses his boyfriend, a smile on his face. Buck kisses him back but there’s hesitancy in the kiss and Eddie pulls back with a frown, wondering what’s going through his boyfriend’s mind. He knows Buck isn’t regretting the choice - not when Buck brought up the want for a family in the first place, but there’s something going on in his mind and Eddie is curious.

He doesn’t have to wait long though, not when Buck lets out a small huff and looks towards him with a small smile.

“I have no idea what I’m doing,” He admits and Eddie finds himself letting out a small, surprised laugh before he runs his fingers through Buck’s hair, pulling him down to kiss him softly. The kiss doesn’t last long and eventually Eddie pulls away, though he doesn’t move far from Buck, resting his forehead against Buck’s.

“Buck - you’re already a wonderful father to Chris. And if anyone would know that, it would be me,” Eddie begins, a small smile forming as he lets out his own sigh. “I didn’t know what I was doing either, when Chris was born. I was terrified that I would mess up. I still am terrified. But I know with you -- with you by my side and having my back, I know I’m not alone. And neither are you.” Eddie finishes, and he can see Buck take his statement in, his Adam's apple bobbing as he swallows before he nods in response and leans forward to kiss Eddie briefly before pulling away with a smile.

“You think so?” Buck asks and Eddie can’t help but grin, looking towards Chris with a smile on his face before looking back at Buck with an arched eyebrow.

“Chris already considers you his Dad. And I wouldn’t want to raise a baby with anyone other than you,” Eddie says, chewing on his lower lip briefly before continuing, “I wasn’t there for Shannon with Chris - not when he was a baby. So I kind of have no idea what I’ll be doing either,” Eddie admits and he can see the moment Buck sinks into him in acceptance, wrapping his arms around his waist and kissing his shoulder in appreciation.

“We’ll figure it out together,” Buck whispers and Eddie hums in response.

“Together,” he says, kissing the top of Buck’s head before relaxing for the rest of the night, the television playing lightly as Chris colors.

#eddiediazweek2021 #eddieweek2021 #buddie #eddie diaz #fanfic: mine

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tabbytabbytabby · 3 years

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Love, Can't Protect You Now (2134 words) by tabbytabbytabby Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: 9-1-1 (TV) Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: Major Character Death Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV) Characters: Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley, Bobby Nash Additional Tags: Angst, Character Death, Grief/Mourning, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, mountain climbing, Self-Sacrifice, Fluff and Angst, Sad Ending, I Made Myself Cry Summary:

Eddie and Buck's nice day out takes a sudden and deadly turn.

For Day 5 of Eddie Diaz Week

#EddieDiazWeek2021 #EddieWeek2021 #buddie #buck x eddie #buddie fanfic #major character death #it hurts #i'm sorry #i made myself cry #unsure if anyone will actually read this #but here we are

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buddiestarlos · 3 years

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I Still Have Nightmares About It Too

@eddiediazweek DAY 1: “I have no idea what I’m doing” + fatherhood

(676 words)

Eddie Diaz had always been proud of his son. Christopher was such an easy kid, even with his Cerebral Palsy. Christopher just seemed to understand Eddie's struggles as a single dad. Eddie is certain that he can count the number of times his kid has ever complained on his fingers. Even after his mother died, the tsunami, and the lawsuit since he couldn’t see Buck. Surely, everything has gotten easier since Buck came back into their lives, permanently now. But Christopher’s nightmares still happen, almost nightly. Yet, he doesn’t complain. He gets his comfort from Eddie, sometimes even his Buck, and tries to go back to sleep.

It’s not strange for Buck to stay at Eddie's house after Chris is asleep. They have a few beers, and Buck usually drives home before midnight, texting Eddie so he knows Buck is home safely.

But what was strange, Buck noticed, was Eddie not engaging in normal conversation.

“Eddie… are you okay?” Buck asked gently.

“I have no idea what I’m doing.” Eddie inhaled a short shaky breath.

READ THE REST ON AO3

#established buddie #buddie #eddiediazweek2021 #sorry it’s late #my fics

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thisissirius · 3 years

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reshape the foundation eddie/buck, eddie diaz week day one: fatherhood (I have no idea what i’m doing.) Post-tsunami, no lawsuit, buck protecting eddie who just wants to be a good dad <3

Eddie picks up the phone, hates himself a little for the weakness, but he can’t think of anything else to do.

“Eddie,” Buck says, sounding sleepy but happy.

Guilt rolling in his stomach, Eddie blurts out, “can you come over?”

Immediately, he hears rustling. “Of course. Are you okay? Is Chris—”

“I have no idea what I’m doing,” Eddie says, voice barely above a whisper.

The movements on the other end of the phone don’t stop, but Buck’s voice is a little softer. “About Chris?”

Eddie’s glad he doesn’t have to explain. Somehow, Buck always seems to know what he’s trying to say even when he can’t put thoughts to words. “He’s having nightmares and I don’t know how to help him.”

“I know,” Buck says gently. “You need to put him on the phone or can you wait until I get there?”

“I can wait,” Eddie says, leaning his forehead against the wall. “Please.”

Buck’s breath hitches and Eddie doesn’t wanna know what he’s thinking. “I’ll be there soon.”

Hanging up the phone, Eddie breathes in, out, in, out. He concentrates on trying to breathe, focusing on the sounds of Chris sleeping on the other side of the wall, doesn’t want to fall apart when he’s on his own. Not that he wants to fall apart with somebody else, but Buck—

Buck won’t judge him. Will he?

Eddie’s out of options. He doesn’t want to do this alone. The anger is threatening to swallow everything up, and Chris is devastated, and needs his dad to be strong when Eddie barely feels the threads of his sanity holding together.

There’s the sound of a voice from the other room, but there’s not enough time for Eddie to pull away from the wall before Buck’s rounding the corner. He’s barefoot—kicked off his sneakers at the door because that’s the way Eddie likes it—and stupidly, it’s that small act that has Eddie heaving out a sob.

“Eddie,” Buck says, sounding wrecked. He’s got a hand on Eddie’s elbow, tugs him round.

Whatever hold Eddie’s got on his emotions shatters and twists away from him. He gasps in a breath as Buck holds him close, presses Eddie’s forehead to his neck. Eddie’s breathing is shaky, sobbing out words, nothing he can make sense of himself. Buck’s hand is a steady pressure on the back of his head, lips pressed to his temple. Eddie shakes apart, fisting a hand in the back of Buck’s shirt.

There’s self-hatred and anger bursting in Eddie’s chest, but Buck tightens his grip before Eddie can pull away.

“Asking for help isn’t a weakness, Eddie.”

The words should piss him off, but Eddie thinks about Chris, about how lonely he is. “I can’t help him.”

Buck breathes out slowly. “You can. Not knowing isn’t the same as not being able to.”

“I know that,” Eddie bites out.

They pull apart and Eddie swipes at his face. He stumbles towards the door to Chris’ room, and he peers inside. Chris is finally in a calm sleep, curled up under the sheets, and Eddie feels like he can breathe.

A tsunami. Loses his mom and then gets caught in a tsunami? There isn’t even anyone Eddie can be mad at. Oh, he’s not proud to admit he tried to be mad at Buck. Hates himself for that, because how can he be mad at Buck when Buck’s the only other person on the planet who might love Chris as much as Eddie.

Who does love Chris as much as Eddie.

Eddie heads for his own room, knows Buck will follow. ��I know you tried to protect him,” he says, not looking over his shoulder. He doesn’t think he can get the words out if he does. “I know you’ve got your own shit to deal with because of Bobby and the department but I can’t—”

The words don’t come.

Buck’s standing on the other side of the bed, staring at Eddie. Eddie meets his eyes, clenching his hands into fists because he doesn’t know what his emotions are doing. “You’re important too.”

Eddie closes his eyes. There’s the sound of soft footsteps on the carpet, Buck’s breath, and then fingers against his arm, sliding up to his neck. Eddie finally looks at Buck, who’s so patient, so gentle with his touches that it almost makes Eddie want to shatter.

“You’re important too.”

“Chris needs me to be—”

“Chris is just happy to have his dad,” Buck stressed. “That kid loves you to death, Eddie. You’ve done a great job.”

Eddie can’t hear this. “Don’t.”

“I will,” Buck says, and the steel in his tone brings Eddie’s head up. “What was it you said to me? You love him enough to never stop trying.”

The words batter against the self-doubt and Eddie feels adrift. He twists a hand into Buck’s shirt again, swallows, and drops his head. “Buck.”

“Eddie,” Buck says softly. His fingers stroke down the back of Eddie’s neck, thumb against Eddie’s pulse point. Eddie wonders if he can feel it racing, if Buck can see the turmoil raging through Eddie like a beacon. “Don’t underestimate how much love can impact a kid, how much it can keep them adrift even when they’re falling apart.”

“I want to be able to help him,” Eddie admits in a whisper.

Buck nods, tugs gently and Eddie goes, forehead to Buck’s neck. Buck strokes the back of his hair and it’s soothing. Eddie’s not touch-starved. Chris touches him all the time. Carla’s tactile, and even his time with Shannon had been intimate. But Buck—the kind of intimacy with Buck leaves him yearning for more and he’s not ready to address that yet.

Not that he could tear himself away from Buck’s pull if he wanted to, and he really doesn’t want to.

“I know you do,” Buck says. “And you are. You might not think so,” he continues at Eddie’s protesting noise, “but you are.”

“I’m sorry,” Eddie says abruptly. He tries to pull away, but Buck’s pressure is insistent. He gives, breathing out, tension bleeding from his shoulders. “Chris wasn’t the only one in the tsunami.”

Buck huffs out a breath. “You can help me out with my nightmares another night.” Eddie frowns, wants to say something to that, but Buck whispers, “sorry, that’s not funny.”

“I will,” Eddie promises, needs Buck to hear them.

“You will,” Buck agrees. “But for now, I wanna help you. Will you let me?”

It’s on the tip of Eddie’s tongue to say no, that he doesn’t need the help, but Buck’s here. He’s in Eddie’s house, in the middle of the night, because Eddie asked. Because it’s Chris, because it’s Eddie. Eddie doesn’t know what to do with that kind of loyalty, with that kind of love.

Pulling back to look Buck in the eye, Eddie swallows down the words.

“Eddie,” Buck presses gently. “I won’t if you don’t want it.”

“I do,” Eddie admits quietly, feeling something in him give at the confession. “I need your help, Buck.”

Buck nods, lips lifting into a small smile. “You have it. Whenever you need it.”

“But your stuff—”

“Eddie,” the frustration is obvious in Buck’s voice, “the station will still be there when I’m ready for it. You and Chris need me.”

Eddie’s chest feels tight, his hands shaking and he nods.

“Come on,” Buck says, when it’s obvious Eddie doesn’t have the words. “Let’s try and get some sleep. In the morning, we’ll make pancakes, and we’ll call some people for Chris, alright?”

Too exhausted to argue, Eddie nods. He doesn’t know what he’s expecting when they get in bed, but it’s not for Buck to slide a hand over to Eddie’s and clasp it tightly. The last resistance gives and Eddie shifts, presses against Buck’s side. Closing his eyes, he feels Buck pull him closer, bury his face in Eddie’s hair.

“We’ll figure this out. Together.”

“Okay,” Eddie says quietly. Perhaps they will. Maybe they won’t.

Either way, for the first time since Shannon died, since the tsunami, Eddie feels something solid beneath him and he’s not about to let it go.

#eddie diaz #evan buckley #buddie fic #buddie #eddiediazweek2021 #eddieweek2021 #fic by me #i actually love this?#help me

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