#I feel so much like a failure

[dreamyberry]

Someone told me you’re never gonna be 100% happy anyway. So what are we here for? Heartbreaks and paying the rent and distracting yourself with hobbies 2 hours a week to forget you’d rather be d3ad?

#I thought I could have. anew beginning but I keep feeling terrible #and I also have to look for a new home thanks to my landlord #who happily told me she’s excited to get new people in the house 2 days ago #in a way it could be good to change air #go to a bit nicer city maybe #but idk how hard it will be #i feel so emptied out #think of him and want to cut my throat #I am a burden to myself #I’m so sick of hoping I die in a car accident I have been doing that since I am 14 #had a 2 year break and here I am #I just hope I manage to see some friends or so-called people #and guess what I have to help my housemate deep clean the house on the weekend #apparently I heard he said on the phone friends of him from Germany are coming on Monday #so I guess that’s it #the only tiny reason I would be sorry about if I die is my parents #my colleague/boss told me I am really lucky to have parents like that after he met them #I feel so much like a failure #I was brought into this world and all I can hope for myself is to stop living #I want to go to a therapist but as I am stranded and probably will have to change municipality I probably have to wait applying for it #I’ve never felt like I needed it more than now #I’ve had multiple times people saying I’m too silent which to me is total bullshit but anyway #when I start talking I go on too long especially about mental things and I end up feeling ashamed #at least with a therapist I wouldn’t be ashamed cause it’s their fucking job to just listen or ignore me but I will let it out and not feel #so cool:( #why can’t I be happy like in 2018 #the only year where I could actually answer I was feeling good and like wanted to show it

[ofswordsandpens]

I'm sincerely very happy for anyone who is enjoying the show but every time I see takes that the show has improved the book characterizations or that the book characters are underdeveloped in comparison to the show...

#our experiences are very different lmao #pjo show crit #sure the show isn't completely out yet #but id argue that the characters (namely the trio) seem way more developed and well-rounded in the book by this point in time (episode 4) #and look im not saying every change the show has made is bad #but by and far there has yet to be a change to characterization that feels like an IMPROVEMENT from the source material lmao #the closest contender I'd say is show Percy does seem a tad angrier than book Percy #but again I wouldn't call that an improvement... its just different and I think that /change/ works because it feels like the same essence #but even that has had some issues because I feel like the show has inadvertently cut down some of Percy's canon book empathy here and there #I think the show has nailed Annabeth's pride and intelligence and her warped worship of her mother #... but they've also made her hyper competent to the point that she's not making half of the mistakes she did in the book #which ISNT good because book annabeth is smart but she isn't infallible #its a big point that she has the theoretical intelligence but none of the real world experience/application #she gets tricked by medusa and goes to visit the Arch just cause she loves architecture and that's okay!! she's twelve and a nerd! #I also dont like that they've cut/toned down her little crush on Luke #actually they've not even showcased the familial bond between annabeth and Luke either in the show so like lmao #and then grover #by now grover's fear of failure and repeating this past mistakes and wanting a license has already been acknowledged in the books at least #in the show?? not so much #and his canon book suspicions and wariness of medusa... were given to annabeth #like medusa in the book was Grover's moment to shine cause his instincts were right! #and in the book fight he even very intentionally attacked medusa #but his highlights there were cut completely in the show #and finally sally #...idk who that is in the show but that's NOT my sally jackson #percy jackson #mine

[user-name-h3re]

i'm posting these mediocre sketches before school kicks my ass again

#camp camp #camp camp fanart #cc preston #god im so pissed my computer never lasts long enoug for me to finish at least ONE drawing #and i dont even have time to go fix it because of exams #cc nikki #cc nurf #AAND i cant download episodes anymore so now i feel like a huge failure #cc gwen #save me cc episode 3 season 5 #cc neil #cc ered #my art #i think preston and nikki would bond over nikki's new found femininity #since they most likely didn't get along very well before because of their differences #nikki could teach him how to fight idk #this episode validated my trans ered headcanon and my camp counselor ered headcanon #tough being right all the time #i really like that ered and nurf are both trying to become better people #i know they wont treat nurf's quote on quote growth seriously but im so happy to see so much focus on ered #i genuinly never thought this would ever happen im over the moon #ered<3333

[omaano]

I wish I had pushed the angle on this one a little more to match what I'd imagined for this scene from the end of chapter 14 of Mand'alor Cabur by @nautilicious but at this point stubborness has kicked in and I've dug in my heals so this is what I'm working with! In other news I've picked my birthday project for this year, and in my post-vacation optimism I see a chance to get this at least to a lines-and-flats (and maybe even some lighting???) stage by the end of next week, which would be very great for me! That is if the green background doesn't completely sabotage me in the process...

#bobadin #boba x din #look at me returning to this ship ayy!! #I love drawing them sitting around each other okay? #and this time Din has some dimensions to his torso ayy! that has been bugging me SO MUCH from that pic where they are chilling on the ranco #I'm getting SLOWLY but surely better at this armor drawing thing. thank you clone armor you hellish plastic nightmare #wip #my art #boba fett #din djarin #star wars fanart #they have their helmets somewhere covered by their bodies. just know that they are there #could I have picked an easier angle for Din's face? yes. would it have felt like failure? absolutely #I wanted to sit on it until I could see how far I would get with it by my birthday but i just felt too warm and happy with this wip #faults (many there are) and all this sketch went suspiciously fast! #serves me right to feel like i forgot how drawing works now that it's done lol

[writer-room]

Hey. The Finders have no idea that Bonzle was captured. Fritz and Spitz are still waiting, playing video games in the Monastery, for Cole to bring their sister out of hiding now that the blood moon is over. Geo is still sitting by the window, watching and waiting for a dragon on the horizon to return his kid safe and sound. Cole took a very unsure Bonzle, assured them all everything would be okay, and they'd be back soon. He promised he'd find a way to protect her.

Don't think about how they'll smile when Cole finally trudges back, happy to know he's okay. Especially don't think about the Finders stopping, looking out over the group, and how Cole can't look them in the eyes when they turn to him and ask; where's Bonzle?

#ninjago #ninjago dragons rising #lego ninjago #dragons rising #bonzle #finders #cole #cole brookstone #geo #fritz #spitz #text post #angst #talk #LISTEN TO ME #COLE LOST 2 WHOLE FAMILY MEMBERS DURING THAT BLOOD MOON #HES GOING TO NOT BE OKAY!!!!!!! HES DOING SO BAD #mans is a FATHER and he PROMISED he'd keep his kid safe. he promised it to the OTHERS #and hes going to have to walk back up those steps and admit to being a LIAR and a FAILURE #hes not obviously sht just went sideways but you KNOW he blames himself #geo very worriedly stayed behind w fritz & spitz FULLY TRUSTING that cole would keep bonzle safe & bring her back #he loves him so much (in a gay way. u know it to be true) so he trusts him IMPLICITLY to keep them safe. hes done it before #can you imagine the HORROR when cole comes back and hes...alone. with no one else but the other ninja (minus 1) #geo realizing what happened before the kids. the way everything just freezes and drops. cole curled so tight in on himself #and cole cant say hes sorry because he cant even look at them. he lost family hes had for over a decade & a kid he claimed his own for year #you saw how he was w child wu. you saw how desperate he was to keep bonzle safe. AND KAI IS GONE TOO??? #homeboy is having the literal worst day ever. imagine him trying to tuck fritz & spitz close while on one knee trying to explain it all #and bro jsut feels like hes literally the worst person in the world #something something 'you dont get to stay with the ninja & be happy. i tried to protect you from what hurt me as a kid' #'and instead your right in the thick of it'

[avallachs]

i’m aware i’m 100% alone in this, but i genuinely adore ascended astarion (especially when romanced) because of how—frankly—horrific it is. it’s simultaneously so cathartic in its brutality but so unsatisfying personally while managing to be narratively satisfying (just as his other outcome is, of course).

#ophelia.txt #bg3 spoilers #the way he still has the shell of his old feelings for tav mirrored in his possessiveness of them. that alone does suggest that he’d #probably not subject them to the same overt cruelty that he suffered which makes it all far more dangerous and insidious. because what #humanity—in as much as it can be called thus—remained to him is gone. what made him HIM is gone and all that remains is an incredibly #powerful being who (if you got his scene after moonrise) hates them for letting him go through with it. he has no love left in him now. #only want and resentment and possessiveness. if he loves tav it’s the possessive and selfish love a child has for a toy. but he doesn’t #even respect them. he’s too paranoid now. too drunk on the power he has from his failure to break the cycle (which he. again. resents tav #for allowing). he said right out the gates that true vampires are never created. there’s only ever a sire and a spawn. and he views tav #letting him bite them as them degrading themselves. placing themselves as lesser than him and it’s the new baseline for how he’s going to #treat them because the man they loved is effectively gone. it makes me feel so unwell. i love ascended astarion like okay king of not #breaking the cycle 🙌🙌🙌

[summershouto]

sometimes I forget how painful sanjis initial backstory is.. a kid so young experiencing starvation. carrying so much physical and mental effects from it. not to mention the isolation and loneliness he experienced as he sat alone watching the shore everyday. and the whole thing with zeff...

anyway I made myself sad so I saved a bunch of young baratie sanjis to cheer myself up

after everything he went through he found zeff- someone who gave him encouragement in his craft he had never experienced before and someone who proudly called sanji his son

#sanji and zeff mean sooooo much to me #zeff doesnt seem like the kind of person who ever desired kids #in fact I feel like he didnt want a kid at all #but then he met sanji and he saw and innocent child who shared his dreams and he knew he was going to look after him #he teaches him how to cook #he teaches him morals #he makes sure sanji is always FED #sanji didnt go looking for a mentor #or for a father #he was ready to face the world alone at the age of 8 and never questioned anything else #bc what could 'the failure' ever do but be tolerated?? #but then zeff sacrifices everything for him #and even more #zeff lives for him #they create a home together; a restaurant in the sea #zeff became everything sanji needed and even though sanji felt he owed zeff so much..zeff never expected anything in return #because that is his SON and he LOVES HIM #my sanji and zeff ramblings #of all the many found family parent-child relationship theirs really hits me #zeff was a pirate until he saw a child in need ; a child he saw himself in; and then he STEPPED UP. #I gotta stop rn or ill never shut up #red leg zeff #black leg sanji #baratie #I could ramble about bellemere and nami and nojiko too #they remind me of the dynamic of zeff and sanji tbh #met in a storm and prioritizing the kids #refusing to show anything but pride for being parents of these kids

[jhonny]

people often talk about how kid trunks absorbed a lot of vegeta's negative traits - cocky, boastful, competitive, prideful - but i feel like i rarely hear people talk about how future trunks has a lot of gohan's negative traits. he obviously comes off more mature because circumstances forced him to grow up quickly (not unlike gohan), but he's also awkward and insecure. he's never sure of his strength, and always seems to blame himself when things go wrong, even if it's beyond his control. he also seems to view fighting the same way as gohan; not something he enjoys, but something necessary, something he has to be good at to keep everyone he loves alive. until meeting frieza, he never would've had a proper victory in his life; everyone around him was always stronger than him, until one day he was suddenly forced into the spotlight as the last fighter able to take on an unbeatable enemy. no wonder they're so alike, they have almost the exact same trauma.

#dbz #dragon ball z #future trunks #mirai trunks #son gohan #vegeta #trunks briefs #future gohan #dragon ball #rowan.txt #i was watching the trunks vs goten world martial arts tournament and it just got me thinking about trunks' upbringing. #like... kid trunks is so much more confident than his future counterpart. he fights because he enjoys it. he LOVES fighting goten. #meanwhile future trunks... he OBLITERATED frieza. no chances. barely even a fight. just die die die before you can hurt anyone. #and as much as people say future trunks was raised better because he's more likeable and mature... bro. kid trunks has self esteem. #i feel like future trunks couldn't believe any compliment you give him because he's so used to thinking of himself as a failure. #Also Not Unlike Gohan. #UGHHHH. #im going INSANE.

[kuzann]

Reasons I have a hard time taking canon Vlad 100% seriously:

His nemesis is a freaking 14 year old this is self-explanatory

Keeps getting beaten/outsmarted by a gaggle of teens

Blew up his own house because he couldn't be bothered to do general maintenance on a piece of very valuable and potentially explosive lab equipment

Got bodied by Jack that one time and decided to never fight him again, Jack is canonically 1-0 in a direct 1v1 fight against Plasmius and that is too funny

Gets bodied by his own idiot schemes

Somehow couldn't figure out how to hire a hitman to take out the guy he's hated for years and sends the one thing Jack is supposed to be good at fighting to do the job instead. Are you trying to fail, Vlad?

Got eaten by a monster that one time. Embarrassing.

Did not do his homework when it came to how strong a ghost was at least twice and endangered the entire world and Ghost Zone because of this

In the bad timeline he caused the apocalypse because he is that bad at parenting and somehow didn't think to just send the kid to therapy and grief counseling instead of jumping straight to the mad scientist shit

There's probably more but these are the ones I can think of at the moment. Like he's absolutely done horrible things, no question about it, but then I remember the above and I'm just. All I can do is laugh.

#Danny Phantom #Vlad Masters #Vlad Plasmius #Character Analysis?? I guess??? idk #Maybe it's more of a shitpost #Do not ever ask me to take canon Vlad seriously #I can't #Just. LOOK AT HIM! #He's an idiot and a disaster and his failure rate is ridiculous #Every time he acts threatening it's just undermined by how much of a moron he is #He just sucks! #Danny and co. are only alive BECAUSE of this #I love him for it #It's hilarious #He's one of my favorite characters in the show #But I ain't gonna take him seriously #Vlad shares the title of “Dumbest Smart Guy You Will Ever Meet” with Jack imo #I say all this with the utmost affection for the character cause again he's one of my favs #I feel like a lot of fanon just flat-out ignores how dumb he is in the show so it can make him more scary #Which there's nothing wrong with that you do you boo it's fandom have fun! #But it's just not Vlad to me without the idiot streak

[rainbow-needs-help]

So as I was rewatching episode five, I had a Thought, specifically about the prophecy. This post is not spoiler free show only people look away

Now I’ve had this prophecy memorized for years now, but I honestly never thought that hard about it?? when Percy goes through the lines at the end of tlt I just kinda accepted his interpretation of events and moved on HOWEVER. Ares said something this episode that gave me an ah ha moment and I need to write it out to see if it really is something

So. The last line of the prophecy “and you shall fail to save what matters most in the end.” Percy looks at this line as him not being able to save Sally from Hades, but it ends up ok bc Hades just kinda. let’s her go home. Looking back on it now, this doesn’t really read as a failure to me. I feel like, if the quest hadn’t succeeded, Hades may have kept Sally hostage (maybe to use her against Poseidon, maybe to punish Percy for the whole helm of darkness thing idk). But Percy succeeds, so Sally goes home

But then in this episode, the trio say the oracle told them they’ll find the bolt and prevent the war, and Ares fires back with “is that want she said, or is that what Chiron said she meant?” he’s so sure wars gonna happen anyway, bolt or no

The Thought i had about this was maybe THATS what the oracle meant with that last line. “what matters most” isn’t referring to Sally, it refers to the (admittedly tentative) peace in olympus. Percy doesn’t fail to save his mom; he fails to stop the coming war

#is this anything? #idk i just feel like with how much attention the show is bringing to the gods’ family ties #along with how much Percy values family #it feels like the war was more of a failure than not saving sally #or maybe i’m reading too much into this #idk this has been on my mind since last night and i don’t have anyone i can talk to about it #without spoiling anything #so. tumblr gets to hear my thoughts now #percy jackson #percy jackon and the olympians #pjo tv show

[phoenix-rising-starbird-one]

Struggling to make a decision

Should I first finish the Bob x Reader update to “Sugar Pie, Honey Bunch” that I’m just struggling with right now. It’s not turning out how I want to.

Or should I write that cute little Bob x reader one shot based on that one song I’ve heard. It’s not really meet cute but it’s just…

I wanna write but I never want to seem to finish WIPs but if I don’t get some writing out soon, I’m gonna go insane. Like ahhhhhhhhh

#Bob Floyd x reader #robert bob floyd #Lewis pullman #our favorite Wizzo #tell me what to do #I’m struggling so much #I feel like such a failure #I always say I want to write and then don’t #what the fuck is holding me back #how do some of y’all do this thing where you write and write and write and post chapter after chapter #I cannot keep up #I know I shouldn’t compare myself but I used to be like that #and now I cannot go past the initial idea #I feel like I’m stuck and I’ve tried all these different things #and I’m still stuck #I don’t know what to do

[starteas]

I’ve been so busy with freelance work, commissions and Lumi that I just haven’t had time for personal art anymore. I can’t even doodle without feeling like I need to throw myself back into work.

Even looking at commissions I’m working on, I feel so stunted and ashamed because they don’t feel like my best and I feel like I’m getting worse with each drawing. I want to improve my work and draw on my own time but I can’t, and it’s really scaring me.

#tbd #evan bleats #i feel like such a failure as an artist #i can’t look at my art and feel proud anymore. it sucks so much

[clarabow-mp3]

what has ruined the mcu in my opinion is that i feel like they used to have creative people make the movies they wanted to make with a few tiny little notes from one guy with a plan about characters or events or concepts they should briefly mention and now they feel like they were made entirely by executives who just crunched the numbers on what made the most money and shit out movie after movie after movie desperately asking "do you like this?? is this what you like???? you like doctor strange right what if we put doctor strange in this movie will you like it will you go see it will you give us money please please please give us money". and i will not because they're not making movies anymore they're making content.

#gotg 3 was such a welcome departure bc they let james gunn tell a story. about CHARACTERS. which is somehow an insane and revolutionary idea #if i'm honest as much as i hate to say it bc i really love it it feels like a lot of this came from eternals flopping #both commercially AND critically like it didn't make much money but it was also their first rotten movie on rotten tomatoes #for the first time in a little while they took a risk on an auteur with a distinct style they let her change up the formula ever so slightl #and for the most part she made the movie she wanted to make and it was a colossal failure the likes of which they'd never really seen befor #and instead of realising that a) it was 2020 no movies were doing well and b) it's okay to have a divisive movie sometimes #they panicked. and now we're stuck with focus group executive ai movies.

[shrikeseams]

Thinking about some of the meta I've seen about the flight of the Noldor (and I'm not vagueing anyone, I've seen this kinda thing a few times and from folks I don't follow, so they've already trickled out of my head, sorry, bit it's not personal)--ANYWAY. The thing is that there's an underlying assumption that the noldor should have trusted the valar, because the Valar told them that the Oath couldn't be fulfilled and that they couldn't win against Morgoth, and that was ultimately proven correct.

But like. The thing is. The Valar had just proven to be incredibly fallible.

The wonderful Light that drew the elves on to Valinor? That they built their lives around? That's gone. And it's gone because the valar just very publicly screwed up. It's gone because the Valar released Melkor, and fucking told the elves that he was trustworthy, and they were extremely wrong. The Trees are dead because they couldn't bring Melkor back into custody in a timely manner. None of this inspires confidence in their ability to deal with Melkor in the future.

Finwe is dead because the Valar were wrong.

Valinor has been proven to be unsafe because the valar were wrong.

(Arguably the kinslaying at Alqualonde is further proof that the Valar can't keep Aman safe against elves, let alone one of their own number.)

Feanor called it on Melkor. Feanor was proven right to build fortifications, even in Aman. Feanor was proven right to make back-ups of the Light, even if it was stolen. (Just because he wasn't going to hand them over for Yavanna to crack like eggs doesn't mean they wouldn't have been put to good use.) Feanor has been trying to leave Aman for a long time, and right at that crisis point he looks like a great bet. It would have looked like he'd seen it all coming, and that the Valar had invited disaster into their own home.

Hindsight is 20/20, and during the Darkening Feanor looks like a damn oracle. Why would they believe the Valar at that moment? The Valar have just lost an INCREDIBLE amount of face and authority. Trust is very easy to break and very difficult to rebuild.

#Tolkien #Continuing the tradition of talking out of my ass #But tbh I stand by this one #It's not countertextual. It's just recognition of human nature #Or elven nature in this case #But the choices made in the Silm typically feel very human to me #Tbh I think the Valar never really *regain* that authority #Maybe with the Vanyar #But between Alqualonde and the drowning of beleriand? The failure to take sauron into custody? Numenor? #I don't think they get much public back-talk (they've proven too dangerous for that) #But it's hard to trust a political OR religious body that fucks up so enormously and publicly and whose failure invokes such violence #Especially for anyone who didn't make the Journey or who wasn't raised in Aman itself #Tbh I suspect a lot of the elves of ME see the Valar like I see the democratic party (us politics) #There's no doubt to me that they are *better than the alternative * #And sometimes they'll do something very helpful! But they do not actually have my best interests at heart #They are useful. They are better than the alternative. And they are not worthy of true unfaltering trust. #San shoots the breeze

[goldkirk]

I DON'T HAVE TO LIE ANYMORE!

#I DON'T HAVE TO LIE ANYMORE ABOUT ANYTHING #IT DOESN'T HAVE TO OVERRIDE ALL OTHER PROGRAMMING EVER AGAIN #HA #MY GOD THAT FEELS LIKE TWO DECADES OF RELIEF #and I found out yesterday. that this year. next winter. it IS two decades. exactly. this is the year. every day i am shown new reminders #that keep me going in my mission to relearn to fully and instinctually trust my self #ever since [redacted therapist] asked me point blank and my IMMEDIATE response was complete disbelief #a firm 'you think there's any universe where i'd feel like i could trust myself? after my nonstop history of failures and being horrible?' #tone “No!” of disbelief #and a horrible way-too-harsh laugh that bolted out before I could strangle it off and stop it. #that woman never coddled my feelings any time I spoke something alarming or bullshit and that was so helpful to me #and the tone she let exist in her voice when she responded to me with a very uncharacteristic “Oh Katie.” #was so. so much more agonizing for me. than her responding with an immediate logical slam-dunk of the truth about healthy behavior and stuf #anyway ramble over i'm so tired. i've done so much trauma work this week i am Drained emotionally #now i see what the past several months but especially especially #the baffling (to me) infuriating out-of-control-speedrun-somatic-processing + every-health-condition-flaring slog that December and January #were for me when I hadn't expected anything to be wrong #...and the extremely specific way this certain zone and particular incident kept coming up over and over and over and over and OVER was not #a bug. it was a feature. thank goodness i trust myself for little things now bc that's the only way i was able to get to this other side #and look back and suddenly realize that my subconscious and body knew what they needed and had a plan in progress the whole time. just like #i rationally say I trust them to have and do. #and that perhaps maybe. for real for real instead of just TELLING myself hard enough a lie that i trust my self and i trust my body and tha #they always know their own needs and timing if really slow down and listen to them f u l l y #anyway. yeah. bye haha i need to stop oversharing on the internet #trauma evolution #shh katie #personal #my god. i wished for this day more than i wished for anything else my whole life. all these many many many many years. what magic. #add to journal #abuse

[herestoburiedsecrets]

One of the things I really love about Pat's character is the way that in both the episodes that centre him (1x3 - Happy Death Day and 4x7 - It's Behind You) focus on the way that Pat is honoured and loved through Daley and the rest of his family. We see a lot of instances throughout the show of that being a father is a core part of Pat's personality, and by putting an emphasis on the ways that Pat lives on through his family the show further highlights this. Daley seems to show this the most, which is not that surprising given Carol was cheating on Pat for most of the marriage. The fact that they all visit Button House on Pat's death day and the way Daley mimics his dad in the home video is genuinely so heartwrenchingly beautiful, and I love it so much. It is so fitting for the character, and a really beautiful way to explore Pat's past!

#cat.txt #bbc ghosts #bbc ghosts spoilers #I love the christmas special so much it is genuinely my favourite episode #or at least really high up there #I love how Pat the family man is continuously honoured by his family #also carol being slightly unhappy about pat filming everything was kinda sad #like their marriage was a collosal failure in retrospect and while Pat wasn't the most attentive husband and did drive her away with his #rigidity she was the one who cheated on him and therefore the worse offender and seeing her be like 'don't film me' idk it just makes me sa #because it reminds me of how there marriage was kinda bad (as much as Pat loves Carol still) #anyway i have so many feelings about Pat he is such an amazing character #pat my beloved #pat butcher