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thewhitefluffyhat · 5 years

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Feminist Relevant Themes

<-Previous (Introduction)

To talk about Magia Record’s writing in detail, it helps to understand how the game is structured.

Magia Record has many story modes:

Main Story: The main plot, centered on new protagonist Iroha arriving in the city of Kamihama to search for her missing sister. Everyone can read this at any time, and new chapters come out every few months.

Another Story: The events of the Main Story, but told from the point of view of the original Madoka Magica cast. Also always available to everyone.

Magical Girl Stories: short stories centered on one specific magical girl - usually they tell the backstory of the girl’s wish. Can only be watched after obtaining the character in the gacha.

Mirrors Story: A very slowly updated story unlocked by completing many player vs. player battles.

Event Stories: Short stories that come out roughly every two weeks. Sometimes introduce a new character for the gacha, sometimes related to a seasonal holiday. Playable to anyone around during the event (and will be stored in the archive afterwards).

Costume Stories: Tiny story snippets involving a character wearing a special outfit. Implemented one year in and unlocked by obtaining both the character and the outfit in question.

Good

Female Friendship

As with the better side of magical girl media, the game’s biggest feminist plus is its complex female characters and focus on female friendships, including some great examples of female mentors and role models. The mechanics of the setting are even tweaked to facilitate this - gone is the TV series’ lonely, competitive system that isolated girls from each other. Instead, in present-day Kamihama, witches are so strong and plentiful that magical girls are better off forming teams to support one another.

While this change arguably waters down some of the thematic weight of the original (in that this isolation was another example of how Kyuubey’s system is an easy metaphor for other oppressive systems), I find it a worthy trade-off. Allowing for magical girl teams to exist results in much richer possibilities for interactions between characters, especially welcome in a sprawling game with far more narrative content than a one-season anime.

And the game takes good advantage of this - no two magical girl teams are exactly alike, both in terms of internal dynamics and how they interact with other teams.

Doppels

The main gimmick of the game’s story is the existence of “doppels” - a mechanic where a magical girl partially transforms into her own witch to unleash a powerful attack. And from gameplay to story to art, doppels are excellent. They look cool and they’re rewarding to unlock and use in game. From a feminist perspective, I also love the idea of reclaiming witches, the “adult” form of magical girls, into a source of salvation and empowerment for girls* instead of a curse. On a meta-level, it echoes a common magical girl trope of the character transforming into an older version of herself, while specifically to Madoka Magica, it’s a creative way to dismantle the misogynistic implications of Kyuubey’s system!

(*There are supposedly drawbacks to doppels, but that bit of setting mostly serves to make them a ~dangerous forbidden technique~ that shouldn’t be overused.)

Struggling against class prejudice

The tensions between different wards of Kamihama are a key component of the setting, and affect many character interactions. One aspect the Magical Girl Stories are good at is showing how arbitrary and hurtful this discrimination is, and how difficult it is to overcome prejudice once it has become entrenched. It’s made abundantly clear that Kamihama would be a better city without these attitudes - the question is, how to get there?

A variety of careers

Several girls make wishes or have backstories centered on what they want to do when they grow up. What’s especially neat is that most girls ask for the opportunity to follow their passions, rather than having a talent magically granted to them - thus avoiding the pitfall of having a female character’s abilities originate from a power granted by a male character.

The range of career interests depicted isn’t as amazing as it could be (In a cast of 80+, I would love to have more than three girls representing STEM), but there’s some decent variety. Many girls aspire to take over their parents’ family business, for example.

And even some characters who follow more seemingly feminine careers (a model, a chef, an artist, etc.) have serious narratives centered on the skill and effort needed to succeed in those highly competitive fields, which is quite refreshing to see.

Mixed

The many different ways to be a girl

The nice thing about having a large cast of female characters is that it gives plenty of opportunities to show how all of these characters are different. And in general, Magia Record does very well on this front! One aspect I’ve particularly been enjoying is the how the cast has widely varying tastes in fiction. Yes, there are girls who like dreamy romances, but there are also girls who bond over their shared love of a hotblooded shounen series!

Where this falls down somewhat is an overuse of “but look, she has a secret feminine interest.” Sometimes this plot can work, if coming at it from the angle that superficial judgments can be misleading, or that there’s nothing wrong with having feminine interests. But when all the more masculine-presenting girls end up with a hidden fondness for stuffed animals, the sheer repetition becomes rather irksome. It’s as though the game feels the need to insist “but look, she really is a girl!” because the audience wouldn’t believe it without such a trait.

LGBTQ+ characters

In terms of LGBTQ+ content, the game feels rather similar to the original anime and other Madoka spinoffs. That is to say, there are tons of shippable f/f pairings that get teased, but as of the present, only one new playable character (and a tiny sample of minor characters) are explicitly confirmed to be lesbians. No trans or otherwise queer characters either, unfortunately. (Though of course that’s not to stop a good interpretation or headcanon!)

However, as a whole, the game is oddly averse to showing the characters in active, healthy relationships. One of the early frustrations I had with the new character’s portrayal was that the game’s one mutual gay relationship was never directly shown on-screen and gets broken up in favor of more ambiguous teasing. That being said, all the het relationships are treated similarly, either never being confessed and requited or never getting shown on screen. So… I suppose there’s not actually a double standard here, but players hoping for lots of canon yuri content might end up a bit disappointed.

Also, a note on Homura specifically - this game’s version is “glasses Homura,” who hasn’t realized she’s in love with Madoka yet. So despite what you might expect given Rebellion, in Magia Record there’s nothing beyond heavy hints and ambiguously cute scenes between her and Madoka.

Characters with disabilities

A few characters in the game have difficulty speaking. It’s not made clear if this is a speech impediment or something like social anxiety (or autism - I know I’ve seen headcanons for that). There is some depiction of these characters getting bullied, but in each case the character ultimately finds a group of friends who love and support them as they are.

After two years, now there is technically a magical girl who uses a wheelchair. (And it’s a cool custom wheelchair too!) Unfortunately I hesitate to count this as a full positive, because shortly after she appears in it, the character becomes unable to transform and fight for an unrelated reason, so we haven’t seen her in battle since. But who knows - the story’s still moving forward on the Japanese server, and there’s likely to be more content with her in the future.

At the end of the day, though, this is a setting with magic wishes and healing effects. Thus, it’s very common for girls to wish to cure someone’s illness, or to use their abilities as a magical girl to cure themselves, which can easily fall into ableist tropes.

College age magical girls

Yes, really! Although even the oldest characters are only nineteen. However, there’s also a subplot about how two of the nineteen-year-olds are losing power because they’re older, which… hm. The message that we all need to accept passing the torch to the next generation is generally a valuable and good one. Aiming it at older teen girls just on the verge of adulthood is where the implications nosedive into unfortunate. Young girls already get far too many messages that their worth is entirely dependent on their youth/beauty/innocence and that it’s better to stay a “girl” than to be a fully grown “woman.”

The entire reason it’s exciting to see college age magical girls in the first place is that even now, it’s rare to see adult women as protagonists in these types of fantasy adventures. By introducing these young adult characters only to caveat their inclusion with“they’re getting too old to be here”, it puts a very sour note on what’s otherwise a welcome expansion of the Madoka Magica universe.

(It’s also hilariously contradictory to other spin offs in the Madoka Magica franchise, including the implications of the anime canon itself, so… whoops?)

Bad

Lack of diversity

(Particularly racial diversity.)

The only non-Japanese magical girls are from the pre-existing Tart Magica spin-off set in medieval France… and Meiyui. (And maybe Alina.)

Meiyui is a complicated case - her family has ties to both Japan and Hong Kong. Meiyui herself is a fun character, but she also ticks a lot of the checkboxes for a Japanese stereotype of a Chinese person (a la Xiao Mei in Fullmetal Alchemist). As a white person only familiar with US culture, it’s not my place to make a judgement call here, but I’d love to hear from someone who knows more!

The largest disappointment, though, is in wondering what might have been. The Madoka Magica anime implied that there are magical girls all over the globe from every different time and culture, so the game’s narrow focus on one modern Japanese city greatly limits the setting from its full potential. And even within that limitation, the sheer homogeneity of the new cast is starting to get awkwardly same-y.

The arc two’s logo teases what might be girls from several other backgrounds, though, so perhaps this will improve in the very near future. Of course, success will depend on the writers’ abilities to handle other cultures. Which, when given the example of Meiyui, might actually be cause for concern...

Revolutionary Girl Utena, this ain’t

In a game full of decent-to-good backstories, you’ll sometimes hit an unfortunate and very disappointing outlier.

My personal least favorite is the victim-blaming one mentioned in the content warnings. Another low point is a story where a girl frantically diets as a response to another girl’s comments about her weight.

Then there’s the backstory the above picture comes from. It involves a girl who has to drop out of sports because her next school only has a boy’s team - and instead of challenging this situation, it’s the inspiration for her to discover she’s actually happier as a cheerleader anyway. Hm.

This last case is actually pretty emblematic of the game as a whole. Whoever’s doing the writing (the credited scenario team is four people, and from the names at least two might be women?) mostly seems to mean well, but they occasionally step hard into the -isms that come from not actually thinking about the problems with the status quo.

So the game isn’t typically hateful, but it doesn’t push the envelope in any revolutionary directions either. As a result - and it feels weird to say this, but - I really miss having Urobuchi as the writer. Sure, his writing had its own problems, but in comparison, it was at least genuinely thought-provoking. The way that even the adult female characters got complexity and screentime, that whole conversation between Sayaka and the misogynistic men on the train, the compelling exploration of consent and determination that underlies the whole anime – even six years later, these aspects hold up and stand out.

Magia Record is an inversion – far more pleasant on the surface, but without the backbone and depth that made the original so thematically intriguing despite all the suffering.

Next (Other Writing Aspects)->

#puella magi madoka magica #pmmm #magia record #magical girls #feminist analysis #my blog organization tags #magia record analysis #my feminist friendly magireco review #madoka magica #magical girl genre #magia record jp #magia record na #my ramblings #haha this section is so long #nothing else even touches it #and even then there’s so much other stuff I could rant about lol

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supernaturallyfantastically · 7 years

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Crush

This is my first posted fan fiction so please be gentle with me. This took a lot to do with my anxiety, pure panic attack mode right now.

Request: could you do anything you want with Murr from impractical jokers? 😂 xx

Pairing: Murr x reader

Content: fluff, humor

Warnings: one swear I think

Count: no clue, did it on my phone

There is something to be said about a city such as New York. So many different people going about their different lives with their different goals. Celebrities and average people coexisting and having a mutual understanding to just ignore each other and leave each other be. Yet still be helpful when they see a young woman crying on the street, or an old man taking a while to cross the road due to the deterioration of his cartilage. You had lived in New York your whole life and loved every minute of it. Granted you had moved from your original burrow a while ago and long since settled in Manhattan. Proudly you were originally from Staton Island and would tell anyone who asked. That's where you were born, had your first best friend, your first crush, kiss, and even first pregnancy scare. Your best friend had remained the same after ten years and constant contact. Her name was Jenna and she was six years older than you. That didn't matter much because you were pretty mature for your age and she helped you through a lot of things you couldn't talk to your mother about. She ended up being like a big sister to you and had been ever since. You would spend the night over at her house as often as possible and ended up getting to know her older brother and his three insanely goofy friends. Sometimes they would take you guys along on their adventures, getting into trouble and giving you amazing memories. Her brothers name was Sal and his friends were Joe, Q, and Murr. Come to think of it almost all of your firsts were with the boys and Jenna. Sadly as all good things come to and end your dad had gotten a job and your parents divorced. The courts decided your dad was better suited to be a parent since your mom had increasingly worrying mental problems. Just a couple days after your fourteenth birthday you were moved. It had been hard but you managed to get Jenna to stay with you for a week once a year until you hit twenty. She started dealing with her career and supposedly Sal had a tv show but you'd never seen it. As the years went on you had done really well in school and gotten a bachelors in nursing. You had a wonderful job in the emergency department at one of the Presbyterian hospitals in Manhattan, an apartment that you owned and even a German Shepherd whom you adored. Sometimes you still thought about the old days and wondered what happened to the boys though.

The night shift at the hospital just ended and of course you had gotten off late. Your scrubs were a deep charcoal color and your badge was still clipped the the front of your uniform. You had your phone in your pocket and headphones connected to your ears, completely emerging yourself in the music. The backpack you wore hung low on your back ending just above your rear, almost like a protective shield from people running into you. Your long hair, currently an unnatural color, had been pulled up into a high and tight ponytail with your bangs hanging down and some flyaway from work. At the moment you had just turned down the street with a coffee in hand heading home to catch some well deserved rest. You cut through a small park and took a second to enjoy all the different people living their lives. A woman was walking by carrying her heels obviously deep into her walk of shame, a man was reading the paper with an old looking dog laying in the sun. As you were looking around you noticed a tall man with gelled hair and a scraggly looking beard walk up to the woman carrying her heels. He smiled at her and without even a hello, he said the most random thing.

“Tell Santiago I'll pay him"

The woman looked confused and tried to walk away but he kept talking to her, not getting the hint that she just wanted to sleep one off. As you watched the exchange the gears in your head started turning incredibly slow. You've seen that man before, but where? Slowly you reached up and pulled your headphones out and almost like you were on auto pilot you walked towards the man and stopped right behind him. He turned around and looked at you with a weird look on his face and you two simply stared at each other for a moment. Five seconds later the gears in your head created enough energy for the lightbulb to turn on and the face you made must have made you look completely insane.

"Salvatore Vulcano" you spoke like a mother that had just caught her son peeing in the sink

"Um...yeah?" He raised his eyebrow at you

"Y/N Y/LN!!" You practically shouted and pointed to your badge

"Holy shit! Guys is Y/N!" He said while staring at you.

It was your turn to look at him strange. Just as you were about to excuse yourself a group of three grown men came charging out of nowhere towards you. In a split second you saw your life flash before your eyes and imagined how stupid your obituary was going to sound when mentioning the cause of death. However much to your delight, the group of middle aged men wrapped you up in the most amazing group hug you've ever had in your life. When they let go you looked at them all and it finally registered that it was the boys. Sure they had grown, lost some hair, and all had facial stubble but it was them none the less. However one of them in particular stood out to you in a way that was more than just reminiscent joy from your childhood. Murr stood back slightly and had the biggest most idiotic grin you've ever seen on a human being. He was bald with just a faint outline of where his hair once stood and was built with lean muscle. He had on a pair of nicely fitted jeans and a comfortable band tee, he looked almost like your teenage crush again. All of the guys, Murr included, started talking at once. They all pretty much shouted over each other about how you guys should go out and catch up, at some point they passed your phone around and put their numbers in it and even handed you theirs to do the same. Within moments they were being called back by a man wearing a black jacket and a drink holder full of coffees. You watched for a moment as they walked towards him. Murr turned his head to look back at you and for the briefest of moments you made eye contact with him. It was only a second but it seemed to last minutes. Definitely still had that school girl crush on the goofball.

With your surge of energy you pretty much speed walked to your apartment. As soon as you closed the door behind you a stupidly happy pup galloped towards you. He jumped up on you making sure to give you ridiculous amounts of kisses and to bark to show his excitement. You laughed and told him you missed him too before heading towards your bedroom. Keeping with your daily tradition you shed your clothes every step of the way until you were just in a pair of cotton panties and climbed into the bed. You leaned over to plug your phone in to charge when you noticed a text. It was from Murr of all people, and this made your stomach feel funny.

You smiled at how sweet it was that he wanted to spend some time with you. He used to ignore you as a kid most of the time. You haven’t gotten much taller since the last time they’ve seen you, barely 5’2. However you will admit with a slight air of pride that puberty did good things to you. Curves in all the right places, not a huge chest but noticeable, and for some reason your ass looks like you’ve been doing squats every day for three years. Just like every woman though you were self conscious. Jesus it’s been over two years since your last relationship and even then you wouldn’t take your shirt off. With that thought you set your phone down and snuggled into your down covered bed. It’d been a long day.

—————

It had been a couple weeks since you reunited with the boys. The five of you went out for dinner a couple of times but you haven’t done anything one on one with any of them. Although the looks Murr was giving you did not go unnoticed. When you would laugh at the stories they told he would stare at you with the wonder of a child, like he’s never seen something like it before. It confused you on different levels, but it also warmed your heart. Yep, definitely more than a crush.

You were walking home from work when your phone went off. It was Murr and just seeing his name made your stomach get that feeling again. You opened the message and a broad smile crossed your lips.

With a giggle you texted him back and arranged where to meet. This time when you walked home you had a bounce in your step and felt as light as a feather. When you got home and laid down you called your trusty pup to lay with you. For what felt like an eternity you talked to him about James. About how he had confidence, dressed well, sense of humor to boot. The only reason you stopped talking was because you had drifted off to sleep.

You looked yourself over in the mirror. You had on a nice fitting pair of jeans (miss me’s of course), an off the shoulder mint green long sleeved blouse and a charcoal gray tank top underneath. For shoes you had on a simple pair of black Chuck Taylor’s. Your make up was simple and light and your hair was slightly wavy and had some wonderful volume going on. With a smile you decided you looked decent and grabbed your purse and tugged it across your chest. A quick kiss goodbye for your pup and you were out the door. It was 8:25 and the bar wasn’t too far so you ended up beating Murr there. When you did get there you promptly grabbed a table and ordered two shots of whiskey, two beers and a double Long Island. You sat up at the table and fiddled with your hair making sure you looked good without trying. The nervousness started to set in when the waitress set down the drinks and you were left with a large amount of alcohol and no one sitting with you. You arranged the table over and over and drank about two log islands in the course of fifteen minutes. You looked at your phone and frowned. He was late, no call, no text. Was he standing you up? Maybe he got hurt? Just as you were starting to think that this was a bad idea, the door swung open and your jaw hit the floor. Murr was standing there dressed nicely, however, on top of his balding head was a wig of thick black and gray hair. He strutted up to you and plopped down with a grin.

“Hey sorry I’m a little late, filming ran longer than expected. Did you get these drinks for me?”

You just stared at his head like you didn’t trust the thing that rested there

“Yeah. James? What the fuck is on your head?” You asked rather to the point

“Punishment” he said with a grin and a slight twitch. He still had that cute little nervous tick.

“You guys are so weird” You shook your head and held up one of the shot glasses for a toast

“To punishments” you said and he laughed and clanked his glass with yours.

The evening went rather well considering his twitching and constant readjustments to his wig. The two of you talked about what had happened in life since you were fourteen. He told you about his book, and the show of course, Tara, and his family. You told him about nursing and your apartment, kind of lame in comparison in your opinion, yet he listened intently like it was the most interesting thing. Without even realizing it the two of you had stayed until the bar closed, ever the gentlemen Murr covered the tab you’d opened. When you two walked outside he was telling you about the time they had shaved his head and eyebrows.

“The only reason I did it was because you can’t refuse a punishment. This is Q’s hair” he pointed to his head and you giggled. He was talking a mile a minute and his neck kept twitching.

“James?” You called innocently. He looked down at you and you leaned up and kissed his lips softly, innocently. When you pulled back and looked up at him he looked shocked.

“W-what was that f-for?” His face was very red.

“I needed to shut you up” You grinned and his face mimicked yours. A second later he had his arms wrapped around your waist and pulled you flat against him.

“It’ll take more than one little kiss to do that” his grinned changed from playful to sinister as he moved a hand to the back of your neck and kissed you deeply, his wig hair tickling your cheeks. This man is definitely more than just the class clown you remembered him as.

#impractical jokers #james murray #Murr x reader #fluff #fan fiction

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rexylafemme · 7 years

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you must’ve come from the trees, fallin out of them branches, fallin all over me

sitting with the circumstances under which we live currently, how they tie into age-old processes of power/destruction/dominance: we can’t deny them, we can’t repress them. we’re being called, as always, to face them in order to transform them. which is a call to action, fighting, and an end to living under any illusions of misguided comfort in what is. there has to be some level of adjustment, tho, to the circumstances we live under, if not acceptance—we have every right to find them unacceptable. and every right to adjust begrudgingly. there is power within disapproval and criticism, power in the unacceptable. instead of sinking too far into hopelessness, into despair, it’s important to key into visions of change. what something else could be. despair brings up desire: what we want, what shit could look like, or even what we could go back to. the past, those sense memories, the things that worked and felt good, live in our bodies, too. as much as what didn’t work, what hurt. we have a lot of will inside us.

part of me feels all off. topsy turvy. it’s in the weather, the way i’m experiencing summer. i expect to feel nyc—sticky, hazy, sunstruck—and i feel bay area—rainy, breezy, chilly. i remember we have a lot of it left tho. that this mild june has been enjoyable. and i have to remind myself that mild summers aren’t completely unheard of, or only/exclusively a sign of catastrophic climate change… ugh. everything stresses me out, naturally. and the topsy-turvy feeling is just an internal felt assessment of all the burning, spiraling, awful things sprouting out structurally. feeling sick with it often, as we all grip onto ballasts, as we brace ourselves for the next catastrophic thing. fuckhole summer.

but, right now, sitting with my legs propped up in the backyard of the johnsons house where i’m catsitting, legs slathered in lavender and lemongrass to repel the bugs, air conditioners murmuring, light carving rectangles out of shadows from windows, lush green and little trees, and it’s humid but it’s cool, there’s a light breeze and leaf shadows move against a building wall in cobalt blue. i look up and i can see a star peeking between branches and leaves. the honeysuckle all tangled up in the curled hearts of the iron fence lining the stoop steps. it feels like summer, all this. and i love it and i can be alone with it and feel content, tho also tender. look to my left and see luna propping herself up with her face against the glass of the back door, looking at me, looking past me, wondering about me, wanting out, too.

sometimes my dread stems from my overactive anxiety, the fear of spiraling out of control stuff, or not spiraling, but not having control, in general. and i have to put myself in check and roll with the punches, breathe into what is. and, but, being alive is nice. it’s confusing and strange and we don’t make it too easy on ourselves or other people a lot of the time because we can be massively foolish and misuse our consciousness and complex decision-making capabilities. but we can be so beautiful, do so right sometimes. we make such magic together and we can transform our pain. and magic is essentially that—the intention and action of changing, transforming, using and guiding energies. it makes perfect sense. it’s in everything we make, in connection.

i keep telling people, often with frustration, that i’m supposed to be a bird. maybe i just am a bird. but not just a bird: a swan, a hawk, a raven, a sparrow. and not just a bird, but a snake and a doe. and a turtle and a starfish and a cat and a snail. i want to be a tree standing in time, too. what does water feel like on a leaf, is it like a raindrop on my arm? i was settled under the thick branch of a tree by a pond in greenwood earlier when the passing rain came. it started gentle and slow on the water, little pin drops poking at the surface, then it got heavy and pixelated, then the whole surface of the pond was vibrating with it, fuzzy like interference on a tv screen. i barely got wet at all. it was heavy and then it turned into a sunshower and then the sun was just radiating after it passed. everything looked and smelled more alive. there was steam rising from the flat surfaces of marble gravestones.

what would wind feel like if my arms were branches? i’m sitting in the dark and looking at this thin stalk and its leaves and i can imagine how it feels—just gently swaying. i love plants and creatures most of all. they make so much sense to me. people on the other hand… i can make sense of them, but there are some fundamental things about how we are and operate that i really don’t understand. i see things happen, i watch things play out before they do in real time in my head, patterns unravel, and i am often so powerless to influence things. i think of the tangled family we were, here, or in the bay—all the ways i’d hoped we could be different, could take the other roads. watched us play out every old thing & over & over, replayed it over & over, & the same outcomes. kept it in my head or chronicled all of it—all the ancient, all the momentary, all the premonitory things, all interspliced and threaded over and against each other.

some of our self-states are bratty, troublesome, reckless, grim—popping their gum while rolling their eyes, talking back, holding grudges, making mean jokes, thinking they can cheat death or grieving. sometimes it feels good to be cold. sometimes it feels good to be sharp. sometimes it feels good to be closed. to be reckless. sometimes we seek all this out in other people. sometimes it was alluring.

but there’s a difference between being cruel or careless and being a rizzo—tough and aloof, wise-cracking—it’s to protect a big ole soft & gooey heart, one that knows the world well enough to understand that we need our fences sometimes, need to pretend we aren’t affected by the nasty things other people say or think about us, all the judgments.

there’s a lot of power in our shadows, even in the parts of ourselves that self-hate and pick at ourselves, do bad things, control. they’re hurting and scared and wanting parts. they’re parts that are still trying to work out the modes of dominance/power/control we were told would get us where we need to go. we know they can’t. we can use those parts if we can face them and work with them, teach and learn with them. like starhawk talks about integration, not suppression. feeling all of our feelings without judgment and containing rather than stomping out or shutting down or caging. contending with our humanness—the flawed, the monstrous, the confounding. we contain a fire within a barrier of rocks, we don’t bury it completely, we don’t let it take over, either. finding our own boundaries and limits where our fires are concerned. the body is its own container, but it’s also always moving and flowing. it is dynamic, not stagnant. tho emotions and shadows can stagnate in places inside us, tied up, clumped up, building up and not moving. but we can budge stuff, push stuff, stimulate stuff, move stuff around, get stuff flowing.

everything is going to be ok, and it all won’t. it is always both. some things will always be off or will suck or hurt or not turn out exactly as we want or plan or expect them to. that’s ok, that’s life. that’s part of the adventure. there is a magical, enchanting side to this—things can turn out better than expected. or different in the loveliest, unable-to-be-anticipated way. all is never lost or doomed completely. sometimes we are at the mercy of other people’s choices—which sometimes means they have too much power and are abusing it—and sometimes it means we are just connected to each other and we care and are affected by what others do. love is so hard, i don’t know. under these conditions. sigh, but it can still be beautiful to connect. there’s always new music. there’s always new resonances to old music. feeling the things you wanted to feel, knowing it’s ok if you didn’t. the contrast of now as opposed to then. channels opening up or re-opening.

i feel for people in my guts, in the backs of my eyes, in my chest, when i breathe, when i furrow my eyebrows, when i sigh. it’s appreciation—little bubbles. it’s a desire for them to be ok—safe and have what they need and be treated with love and kindness, and to get what they want. a feeling of being closer and of knowing them well. of wanting to be closer and know more. a feeling of wanting to hold their joys and experiences and sorrows and pains—to be there, to show up, to do what i can and have them define what that means and looks like. and being ok if they don’t know or can’t say or are still figuring it out, if they aren’t there yet. and wanting all this in return. and you know when you’ve had it and when you haven’t. and i do. and mostly, too, i am building/growing/reinvigorating these things with myself and it has been a longstanding project that keeps going, but i’ve progressed, we progress, and it shows. it’s reflected in the people i keep around me, the way we are together, the give/receive, push/pull, pleasant sloshing back and forth, not sucking or grabbing. i think love for anybody—friend, lover, family, a vision, a pet—is always somewhat laden with heartbreak. a streak or a wash or a pinprick or bigger. because we want to take away or be able to prevent suffering and we live with the reality that we can’t do that. and sometimes we’re the ones who cause it. it’s painful. but we do heal, we do give each other sweet things. and working toward less pain, toward transforming it, is so possible and worth it and we are doing it all the time, even without knowing it.

#change #magic #transformation #integration #shadow #patterns #love #kinship #softness #healing

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zygomatic-process-2018 · 5 years

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The most important nap

Please remember that these are my accounts, and who knows, maybe I dreamt it all...but really, these are the events that shaped me for who I am.

There are very few memories that I have from my childhood. From an early age I have been preoccupied with worry and fear. Through a series of events when I was very young, I remember very few times where I felt free; like I didn’t have to worry about a thing and I could actually be myself. I don’t always talk about how hard I perceived things, but I’ll tell you that I grew up fast. When I reflect on these moments, I’m often drawn to a particular one that I can recall very clearly.

I was in Hawaii with my family. We took really fun family trips around the US and I got to experience awesome stuff as a kid. I have seen a lot of America and still have more to explore, but these trips started my adventurous streak. Anywho, Hawaii...I think my younger sister was there but she was a baby, so I’m guessing I’m around 9. I’m in a bikini, and I’m actually comfortable. I don’t feel judged in that moment for the first time in a long time. When I say judged I don’t just mean my perception of people judging me, I also mean me judging myself. Yes, even at 9 I was already having body issues and OCD tendencies. The weather is hot, but we’re laying out on the beach. I’m under an umbrella and there's a nice breeze going. The waves are rolling, and I fall asleep. I’m relaxed and free in a way that I haven’t felt before.

I think about that moment more and more as an adult. I want my life to be like that always. Not just vacations, not just on the beach, not just when the wind blows on a hot day, not just when the sound of the waves put you to sleep...NOT JUST DURING A NAP. I want this feeling of freedom and relaxation to be the norm in my life.

This of course sends me on a hunt for the root of the problem, where I realize, I do not know how to relax. Even my vacations are adventurous and full of anxiety inducing activities. Don’t get me wrong, it’s ridiculously fun but my cortisol levels must be so high! That’s so unhealthy for every aspect of your body. A body that is always in fight or flight mode wears out quickly. So what's the answer? More meditation? More exercise? More controlled diet? More More More?

No, the answer is quality not quantity. I’ve gone along in my life in a way that has allowed me to live a comfortable life performing the bare minimums of being a human being. This means I treat my life the way I treated high school...do just enough to get a C ‘cause your GPA ain’t on your diploma beezy. I mean, why do more when you can do just do the right amount to pass? Well the answer is pretty easy to see...because a mediocre performance gives you a mediocre life...one that is full of “playing it safe and doing the easy thing” so you don’t have to exert too much energy. I believe the dictionary refers to this as LAZY. Well, that life doesn’t fit who I naturally am. That type of life is one I live when I’m in fear. Who I am naturally is a strong woman, who get stuff done. I work for everything I want, and if I don’t have it today, talk to me in a year and let’s see A) If I even want the thing anymore or B) How happy the thing has made me because I got it C) How many I have and how bored I am with it already.

So if I truly am that strong of a woman, why do I get complacent? Why do I live a life where I have to fear making the wrong financial decision and sacrifice my happiness in the process? A life driven by fear only produces more fear and chaos for yourself and the people around you. Well how does one make quality decisions rather than turn to the MORE MORE MORE approach?

At the moment, I’m pausing and reflecting. I’m writing about what I want as my end goal, and what my priorities are. My priorities aren't about me anymore. I have bigger goals of providing for my mom more than she gave me as a child because I love and appreciate her (actions are how you show someone you love them). I want a house with a yard to fulfill my promise to my Riley pup (he has been an apartment dog his entire life and I want him to have a place to feel free too). I want to be a mom whether it be my own child or a child who needs a home; to show them that no matter what circumstances you came from, you can be free (I am willing to do this by myself if need be). I want to help people reach their full potential, by helping them channel their energy into their passions. But I can’t do all of that by running my life on fear. The biggest and best thing I can do is to be a living example of how simple it is to step out of your own way and step into a happier life. One little decision at a time, we can all live happily and freely.

#eyvf

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strmyweather · 5 years

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35.

I know I’m supposed to dread getting older, but honestly, I never really have. That’s probably at least in part due to the fact that my parents have both aged incredibly gracefully, and I have every hope that I’ll follow in their footsteps—but also, I feel as though I’ve learned and grown so much through my late 20s and early 30s that it’s pretty hard to wish that process would stop. I definitely wouldn’t choose to go back, even if I could.

Still, thirty-five does ‘feel’ like a big birthday on some levels. I mean, I’m a whole new survey demographic now (not an ‘18- to 34-year-old adult’ anymore). I’m officially a CrossFit Masters athlete (yay!). And if I were to have a kid (which at this point is pretty unlikely), I’d now be formally classified as an ‘elderly primigravida’ (sexyyyyy).

At any rate, the steady turning of the earth just has me thinking this year, a bit more so than other years. So, just for fun, here are a few things I’ve learned—some silly, some semi-profound, but all thoroughly true, at least in terms of my own experience of the world.

Any of these ring true for anyone else?

1. In general, seeking out new experiences is more fulfilling than trying to recreate old ones. There are always exceptions — I’ve seen the Broadway show Wicked something like eleven times, in part because I honestly enjoy seeing the different actors’ takes on the characters that I (now) know so well. I ran the NYC Marathon a second time, because I didn’t have the race I wanted to have when I did it in 2014. But in general, our most cherished life experiences are special at least in part because of their uniqueness, and we’re happier when we accept that awesome day or event or moment as a beautiful standalone memory, versus trying to duplicate our joy.

2. At a restaurant, order the thing that you’d never cook for yourself. Restaurants are special, or should be. Most of us don’t eat out every day, or even every week—and we also don’t typically go out on our own; it’s usually a date with a dining companion (or two, or ten) with whom we’re looking forward to spending some quality time. So if you’re in it for the experience, then you kind of owe it to yourself to get the tuna tartare or the fried ice cream or whatever amazing thing you’d never go to the trouble of learning to make at home.

3. Nope, that to-do list is never going to stop scrolling through your brain… One unfortunate fact of adulthood, it seems to me, is that there will never not be something that you ‘should be doing’. There’s a certain level of baseline chatter that you just have to learn to shelve.

4. …but travel is one huge thing that helps with hitting Pause on that list. If you’re only focused on the next couple of hours—where exactly is that ferry port, how do you say ‘bathroom’ in Greek, and what should we have for lunch today?—then it’s hard to remember the closet cleanouts and plant repotting that you’ve been meaning to do.

5. Speaking of which—carry-on only. Always and forever. Even if you’re staying for a month. There is always a way to do it. Bag fees aside, it also keeps you from ever being separated from your stuff, and it’s also just so much simpler logistically—I’m a travel backpack devotee, and I can’t count the number of times my life has been made easier by the fact that I could physically manhandle my own possessions without assistance (up steep flights of hostel stairs in London, through a tropical downpour in Zanzibar, during an hourlong border crossing in Nicaragua).

6. You don’t have to love your job. I mean, it’s easier if you don’t HATE it, either, but… they call it ‘work’ for a reason. You’re not failing if your job isn’t the thing that drives you to spring out of bed in the morning. Despite what social media would have us believe, very few of us actually have the luxury of having our personal interests, our inherent talents, and our actual income all line up—and there’s nothing wrong with that. (And, also worth considering: if my paycheck actually depended on language-learning or CrossFit or international travel, would I still love those things quite as much?)

7. For the most part, vegetables are legitimately delicious. Subtitle: 'Please Stop Steaming Your Brussels Sprouts'. A food you think you don’t like is usually a food that you just haven’t had cooked properly. (Okra isn’t slimy if it’s sliced into medallions, tossed with a little cornmeal, salt, and pepper, and sautéed in just a tiny bit of oil. You're welcome.)

8. Just because you are CAPABLE of doing something—physically, mentally, or emotionally—doesn't mean that thing is necessarily the best FIT for you. As a teenager (with many natural intellectual gifts, but going through a rather unfortunate Shania Twain idolization phase), I was once told by an authority figure, “To whom much is given, much is expected.” Yikes. Talk about feeling like you’re not measuring up. Whether real or imagined, that burden stuck with me for decades—and my resume is sprinkled with some pretty impressive entries from my 20s and early 30s. But what you can’t see there is the associated anxiety, insomnia, weight gain, and general dissatisfaction. It’s taken a long time for me to shake off the reflex that I ‘should’ be aim to be the ‘best’ at absolutely everything—to internalize the fact that, while my abilities matter, so does my own personal happiness. I have a far better work-life balance—and feel like much more of a ‘whole person’—now, at age 35, by virtue of having accepted a position that (on paper) is a little less impressive. In my current role, I still make a difference in people’s lives—but it turns out that I actually have more to give to others by virtue of the fact that I’m also able to take care of myself.

9. Almost no decision is actually permanent. The one exception might be the choice to have a kid—once you take that leap, you’re kind of in it for the long haul. But everything else—romantic relationships, career choices, homeownership—sure, it’s all super stressful and keeps us awake at night… but almost all of it IS still changeable, if we need it to be.

10. Most people you meet are struggling in ways that you know nothing about... The ones who seem to have everything? Rest assured, they don’t. And the ones who are acting ‘off’ and making you second-guess yourself? Chances are good that their behavior has nothing whatsoever to do with you. We humans are inherently short-sighted, selfish creatures whose default mode is to look out mostly for ourselves—evolution made us that way—and yet, in this society filled with modern comforts, we can and should be kinder.

11. ...and strong people only get that way by having gone through something. When you meet someone amazing, remember that they usually had to pass through some kind of test to become the person they now are. I often find myself looking at brilliant, kind, steady, smart, capable people with equal parts admiration and curiosity—wondering, “What darkness did you fight?”

12. The way to tell a ‘good’ lie is to include one solid detail. I’ll preface by saying that lying in general just isn't worth it, not least because it becomes super hard to keep track of… and people can also smell overcompensation a mile away. But on the occasions when you need to tell a relatively harmless fib—to turn down an invitation, to spare someone's feelings, to get out of a party, whatever—include just one good bit of realism. “One of my friends is going through a breakup and I told her I’d meet her for drinks tonight.” “Turns out my parents are coming into town next week, so I don’t think I should commit to that quite yet.”

13. Art is the best travel souvenir. Food gets eaten, clothes blend in with the rest of the closet and lose their connotation. But art is a colorful home addition, a perfect conversation starter, and a constant visible reminder of the adventures you’re had. And if you can simultaneously support a local artist from whatever awesome place you’re traveling to, so much the better.

14. Trains are way more pleasant than planes. The trip might take just slightly longer on paper, but think about it. Free wifi, plenty of legroom, a café car, the ability to stroll, zero required ‘cushion’ time for security screening… and, in sharp contrast to airports, train stations are typically right in the middle of the city center, which (chances are) is likely where you were going anyway.

15. If you’re lucky enough to have a cool family, stay consciously grateful for that. Families look all different ways and have all different dynamics—but we hear so much about all the problems that we sometimes take for granted the millions of ‘normal’, down-to-earth, cohesive, functional family units. Plenty of people out there are doing a really solid job—supporting one other’s various life transitions, thoughtfully listening and providing navigational advice through unforeseen challenges, raising reasonably well-adjusted kids, and straightforwardly taking each other down a peg when needed. We all screw up here and there; that’s inevitable—but if you’ve got one of the awesome families who generally puts the ‘fun’ in dysfunction, it’s worth recognizing that fact and savoring it.

16. A little bit of real stuff is better than a lot of fake stuff. (Just read the famous Amazon reviews of the sugar-free gummy bears!) But really, this is true of just about everything. What would you prefer: one deep conversation or six hours of superficial small talk? One dense fudgy brownie or a whole box of SnackWells cookies? One pair of high-quality leather boots vs a dozen pairs of knockoffs?

17. Not everyone is going to like you. And this works in gradations as well as absolutes—some people are going to like you a lot more than you like them, and lots of people won’t like you nearly as much as you like them. It’s the law of averages in action, and there generally isn’t a lot you can do about it. The takeaway is that it’s a huge waste of emotional energy to continue seeking approval from those who aren’t going to give it.

18. It’s OK to make dumb decisions once in a while as long as you accept the consequences. One of the perks of adulthood is that we're allowed to make less than optimal choices. There are times when opting to stay on that sunny rooftop for a seventh cocktail with our friends really is the ‘right’ decision for our mental health.

19. Nobody else sees your body the way you do. For better and worse, 'perceptual adaptation' is very much a Thing. We see ourselves in the mirror twenty times a day. The holiday belly or PMS bloating truly is not visible to anyone else. Not only are we just so much more highly attuned to fluctuations in our OWN bodies than those of others, but, likewise, other people are also generally way too preoccupied with their own physical ups and downs to even notice yours.

20. This country needs a Life Skills class. In recent decades, we’ve (happily) been moving away from traditional gender stereotypes—and yet, objectively, there was a lot of practical value to some of the stuff our parents learned in Home Ec and Shop. When my sister and I were teenagers, my family once sat around the dinner table and drew up a curriculum that we thought every modern public school student should have to learn by the time of their high school graduation, featuring lessons like changing a tire, sewing on a button, balancing a checkbook, and cooking a couple of basic recipes. I freely admit that, while I am a shining example of a very ‘successful’ twenty-first century student, I’m also significantly lacking in a lot of knowledge areas that would have been considered ‘basic’ not so many years ago.

21. The majority of us wake up with an ‘earworm’. Start paying attention. It’s easy to disregard, but I’ll bet you wake up with a random song in your head first thing every morning.

22. Learning a second (or third, or tenth) language literally causes your brain to work in different ways. You know that pleasant collective lingering that sometimes happens after a group of people have eaten a meal together? Where they all stay around the table—conversing, laughing, relaxed, maybe sipping one last drink? Yeah—in English, we don’t really have a word for that. Dutch does, though: ‘natafelen’ (after-tabling). There’s also the well-known ‘gezellig’—which means ‘cozy’, warm, familiar, but can apply to people or events as well as to spaces. Or what about ‘uitbuiken’—which is basically what we do after Thanksgiving dinner, ‘letting our belly out’—that phase where you push back from the table and take a few minutes to relax and digest. And it’s not just untranslatable words—even concepts that are able to be directly interpreted just ‘feel different’ in other languages. 'Onzichtbaar' (literally: 'unseeable' in Dutch) ‘feels’ just sliiiightly different from 'invisible' in English. Another great example is the large number of ‘creative’ names and words that exist in the Harry Potter series—for instance, in English, the name Dumbledore just sort of calls to mind the image of a tall wizard with a white beard. In recreating that same feeling in Dutch, the translator settled on Perkamentus, a derivative of the word for ‘parchment’, which creates that same gut-level impression for native Dutch speakers. This kind of thing is why translation and interpretation are such art forms—and why the opportunity to learn a new language via adult immersion is so incredibly enriching. You don’t simply gain a new vocabulary; your world inherently becomes broader, because with new words and ideas also comes an ever-so-slightly different vantage point for perception.

23. Split your auto-deposited paychecks. Even if it’s just a little bit, diverting a percentage of each check into a separate account that you rarely access is a way of giving yourself a tiny safety net. If you never see it, you get used to living on what you have. And then, when the day comes that you really need three pounds of coffee and a carton of protein shakes, but are trying to survive until payday because Costco doesn’t accept American Express (ask me how I know)… well, you’ll be really happy when you realize you can make that grocery run after all.

24. Not everybody needs a four-year degree. We will always need skilled tradespeople. (Every single one of us has had that moment when we’ve been deeply, overwhelmingly grateful for an experienced plumber!) A college degree is a great accomplishment, but we’ve perpetuated the idea that possessing one is somehow a mark of intelligence and essential for lifelong success. In reality, four years of undergraduate study have become an increasingly expensive commitment that isn’t necessarily the best value—or the best fit—for everyone. Trade schools and community colleges are undervalued resources that are worth considering. Furthermore, a non-linear path is also okay, even preferred. Take a gap year. Do some service work. Try a part-time job or internship. Read some books. See the world. An expensive and lengthy education may, in fact, be the best choice after all—but give yourself the tools to make an accurate cost-benefit analysis before deciding.

25. Athletics are empowering. Being able to unconsciously trust your body is a wonderful thing. Furthermore, you learn fascinating things about your own individual physical and mental machinery when you explore its limits. This doesn’t necessarily mean deadlifting 300 pounds; your own personal light bulb might be learning to differentiate between the sensations of a high heart rate versus true muscular fatigue, or discovering that the reason your back often hurts is because your superior mobility has allowed you to slide through life with insufficient muscular stability. We all need to get more ‘comfortable being uncomfortable’—because that’s how we grow.

26. Let kids fail… The helicopter-parent epidemic is resulting in an exceptionally anxious generation. The fact is, the way that children grow into confident adults is by being allowed to calculate small risks (that feel large to them, developmentally) and experience both positive and negative consequences. Maybe that steep downhill on their bike will be the most exhilarating thing they’ve ever experienced, or maybe they’ll fall and get badly hurt. Maybe they know their exam material well enough that they can get by okay without studying, or maybe they’ll fail and have to work that much harder for the rest of the semester. Either way, their world is slightly broadened—and their fear slightly lessened.

27. …and, as adults, we should continue to move toward things that scare us. It is a reality of life that you will eventually be forced to confront just about everything you fear, whether large or small. So when the moment arises for you to confront a fear on your terms, that’s a growth opportunity—and, as with everything, having that degree of control sometimes makes all the difference. Actively choosing to undertake an experience is usually a lot more comfortable than being forced into it.

28. Pro-birth isn’t the same thing as pro-life. Meaning, if you’re staunchly anti-abortion, then you’d better also be pro-social programs to support those kids once they’re actually on the planet. (And ideally you’ll also be pro-contraception, pro-health education, and pro-living wage / paid family leave.) In other words: please make sure your moral opinions line up in a way that makes logistical sense.

29. Knowing what you don’t know is just as important as knowing what you do know. And people respect you more when you own that fact confidently. This is true of any life situation, but is actually a concept that I learned firsthand as a healthcare provider. We PAs are exactly (and only) as good as our own self-awareness; we can do so much, but only if we remain acutely aware of the boundaries of our knowledge and experience.

30. The relationships that stick (romantic and otherwise) are the ones that you don’t have to look for—they just find you. This is true of lots of things, actually—career options being another big one. The takeaway is that when something is ‘meant to be’, it tends to be ‘easy’. That’s not to say that we don’t still have to put in work—rather, that the way forward is clear and obvious; the path opens itself up to you, unforced.

31. On the flip side, letting go of a relationship that is no longer serving you—romantic, friendship, or otherwise—is a vital skill. It’s also one that we never truly master, because the context is different every time. But this is one of those situations where life experience pays off big time—not because you necessarily have more tools in the toolbox, but because you’ve had more practice at the flexibility with which you can wield them.

32. Parents learn just as much from their kids as the other way around. I’m not a parent, but I have parents—a couple of pretty awesome ones, as a matter of fact. And while I definitely have one of the ‘good’ family stories and still tend to run straight to my folks anytime I have a ‘life question’, I also recognize that they’ve been stretched, pushed, and challenged in many ways by virtue of the people that my sister and I are. I’m sure they’ve lain awake at night worrying about me at times, but I’ve also nudged them into traveling to new cities and countries, have introduced them to people from different walks of life, and have indirectly forced them to examine their own ideas and beliefs. I’m at a point in my life now where it doesn’t look likely that I’ll end up having kids, at least not biological ones, and this is really the biggest piece of regret that I feel about that: missing out on so many unknown (and unknowable) experiences. What might I have learned—how might I have grown—from those hypothetical kids?

33. Stress is stress is stress. Your poor little body is always trying to compensate for the various abuses of life. It does not know whether your cortisol is high because you had a crazy workday, because you’re in a calorie deficit, because you did a two-a-day training session, because you had a fight with your partner, or because you only slept four hours. It does not know whether your sympathetic nervous system is activated because you just did 100 GHD sit-ups, because you had an awesome birthday cheat day with a couple thousand more calories than usual, or because you just completed a 12-hour road trip in bad weather. It just knows that it’s stressed. Treat your body kindly. After all, you only get the one.

34. One of the absolute greatest things about getting older is self-awareness—learning how to drive your own individual machinery. There’s a lot to unpack here, but basically: life gets a lot better when you can ‘manage yourself’ proactively instead of simply reacting to every small event. Personally, I know that I’m wired for an early bedtime and an early wakeup; that I need a lot of time alone to recharge my batteries; that I’m a more settled and positive person when I make time to write first thing in the morning; that I am prone to become unduly stressed in a competitive setting; that I shouldn’t commit to anything in the evenings after a full workday; that week two of my monthly cycle consistently delivers my strongest days in the gym; that I’ll sleep poorly if I don’t eat enough on a given day; that my emotional intuition is generally accurate even if I can’t put it into words; that endurance training beats up my body much more than heavy barbell work; that I consistently underestimate the physiological stress of driving a long distance; and that despite often dreading a task beforehand, I will almost always immediately commit to doing it perfectly once I��ve actually started. TL;DR—if you know your inherent patterns and tendencies, you can build your life around them in a way that makes you a better, happier, more optimally functional human.

And, 35… Comparison is the thief of joy. A pediatric surgeon I used to work with, when discussing his surgical outcomes with parents, would often put it another way, “The enemy of good is perfect.” Either way, this is probably the single most important thing I’ve learned thus far as an adult… that it’s so much easier to savor your own small accomplishments if you aren’t constantly focused on how you stack up next to others. Social media perpetuates this issue in spades, because there will always be someone smarter, prettier, stronger, funnier, or more accomplished—and nowadays, it’s harder than ever to avoid having that fact thrust in one’s face. But if we’re happy inside ourselves—if a patient tells us we’re appreciated, if we squat five pounds more than we did last week, if we love the way a new shirt looks in the mirror, if we’ve internalized a few more life lessons at the age of 35 than we had by 25—shouldn’t that quiet satisfaction be enough?

#thirtyfive #35 #lifelessons #alwayslearning #life #birthday #progress #contemplation #thinking

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foursprouthealth-blog · 6 years

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How to Be a More Confident Person

New Post has been published on http://foursprout.com/health/how-to-be-a-more-confident-person/

How to Be a More Confident Person

When I was a kid, we had very little money. This didn’t seem like a problem to me until I went to my friends’ homes and saw that they had actual houses (we lived in apartments and sometimes shared housing). The kids all had their own bedrooms and a nice dining room table—some even had big gardens.

As a kid, I liked what I had until I got older and saw that people with bigger houses and more money were considered better and more important. Then I realized this made feel like I’m less than other people. I had less, so naturally, I felt like a lesser human.

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Of course this damaged my self-esteem. If I’d had no clue or paid less attention (hard but not impossible), my confidence in who I was and what I had would have stayed nicely intact.

Comparing and looking for validation outside yourself is a recipe for feeling like sh*t. The root of real confidence is knowing who you are and being OK with yourself just as you are. If you want to be a more self-assured and confident person, here are some steps you can take to experience your best feelings of self-reliance and inner security:

1. Make the decision.

There is no magical formula for feeling confident. It’s not something that anyone is born with—lack of confidence is universal. But the most empowering decision that only you can make is to decide you are a confident person.

And if you feel like you need permission to become confident, I’m giving it to ya right now. Yes, it’s that simple. Even if it doesn’t feel like that’s true. It’s your call to be a confident person. No one else can do it for you.

2. Sound the part.

Have you ever noticed how self-assured types speak differently?

Confident people also don’t say things like, “I don’t know how,” “I can’t,” and “I’m not good at.” Their language is intentional and commanding. Think: How can you switch up your own language?

Consider the difference between two people discussing their travel adventures. One might say, “I love to go to off the beaten path and really explore the world. I have a travel budget and a plan every year. Oh, you like traveling for extended periods too? Awesome! Hey, you can even follow me on Instagram where I post my favorite travel snaps…”

Another fellow traveler might avoid eye contact and laugh nervously, saying, “I should document my travel more, but I haven’t figured out how to properly do that yet.”

Who do you think has more fun globe-trotting (and in general)?

Statements like “I love,” “I do,” and “I can” have a very different effect on our energy and our impact on others compared to “I should,” “I try,” and “I don’t know.” When you use stronger, more intentional language, it impacts your mood, your confidence, and even how other people perceive you.

High-achieving, happy people have consciously mastered the art of tuning out their inner critic and dialing up the volume on their inner coach. Your inner coach is there for you—on demand!—and she’s ready to support you whenever you call on her. You have the power to choose to focus on words that feel good.

Confident people also carry themselves differently. Their body language allows them to take up more space—they sit taller, gesticulate when speaking, and stand strong.

Comparing and looking for validation outside yourself is a recipe feeling like sh*t

3. Appreciate that everyone has insecurities.

Rachel in HR with her perfect style and easy laugh is no exception. Neither is that speaker on stage with the scary-good comedic timing and overall poise. Every single person on planet Earth is plagued with self-doubt in some area, to some degree—always.

Negative thoughts don’t escape anyone. The difference is confident people do not let uncertainty and doubt drive their decision-making. Courage is moving forward when your heart is still beating fast—not when you feel cool and relaxed, going about your daily routine. Confident people learn to master their inner critic and drown it out with something stronger: their inner coach.

4. Compare differently.

When I was working in sales, there were a couple women in my field who were known for being business badasses. They spoke their mind, they were forging new advances in tech, and they were often congratulated for their innovation. But…

“Ugh—Sarah is SO fake!” people would say. Or “Becca’s just a CEO kiss-ass.”

And were they? Maybe. But these words of spite were definitely coming from a place of envy.

Instead, these women made me think to myself: Look what’s possible! Sarah was only in the ad tech industry for four years. Imagine what I can do in the next 12 months!

Can your triggers from other people show you what’s waiting in store for you instead of leading you to negative thoughts and feelings? When you decide to get busy and focus on what you can control, your confidence level skyrockets. Imagine what could happen if you stopped paying so much attention to the people you see in your life, channeled all your force into the mirror, and started getting busy.

5. Keep compliments close.

Austin Kleon, best-selling author of Steal Like an Artist, recommends keeping a “praise file” full of compliments, positive feedback, and kind notes that people have sent you. These can be from anyone—your boss, a friend, an old teacher, a client—heck, even all the nice comments on your Facebook pics and/or blog posts.

A praise file lets you dwell on the good stuff. The negativity bias (our tendency to focus on one mean comment over nine positive ones) can prevent us from enjoying all the wonderful feedback we’ve been given in our lives. When I pop open my praise file, I smile big and feel 10 pounds lighter. It works—trust me! Store it on your desktop for easy access.

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6. Stop fearing failure.

Confident people know failure is inevitable and don’t fear it. Worrying about failure can keep us from doing anything at all, but confident people are still confident—even when they fail. When the tide is against them or they’ve had a negative result, they know it will pass; their bounce-back rate is fast. Can yours get up there too? I mean… haven’t you survived everything that life has thrown at you so far? Why would that change now?

7. Laugh more.

There was an Insta post I saw that made me chuckle. It said, “You found that offensive? I found it funny! No wonder I’m happier than you!”

When did life become so serious? Joan Rivers said, “Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It’s all funny.” Doesn’t that idea just provide some pretty immediate relief? And once you get to the point where you can laugh off life’s mishaps, everything becomes easier. You relax. Opening up allows more good to flow to you, and you become a magnet for more laughter. Like attracts like, and I can think of nothing better than attracting more laughter into your life.

8. Take baby steps when you’re scared.

My brilliant friend Ruth Soukup’s mantra is “do it scared.” Because we are all scared, almost all of the time. But you don’t need to quit your job tomorrow to start a business you love; you can start at the beginning. Get clear on what your passion is. Ask yourself some deep questions. Research others who share similar interests to you and speak to people in the field you’d like to be a part of. Find out who else is successful in doing what you want to do. Read all you can about the industry you want to enter.

The rest unfolds in time if you stay committed and allow it to. You don’t have to have it all figured out in order to get started. You just have to begin. Each small step—like one brick being laid after one another—can build something greater than you can even visualize in the beginning. And the good news is, the more action you take, the teensy bit easier the next action piece is. What can you begin?

Bonus: The confidence-competence loop works in your favor here. Put simply, this means the more you do something, the more confident you become in it, and then the more you continue to do it (more competently each time). It’s a wonderful cycle. Taking action builds your confidence, which then leads you to greater things that can make you satisfied. That means even if you don’t get the exact results you want, you’ll still have gained something valuable from the process of taking action.

You don’t have to have it all figured out in order to get started. You just have to begin.

9. Focus on what you want (not what you don’t want).

Confident people have a positive vision of the future—of their savings account, their body, their relationships. They expect good things to happen to them, and as a result, good things do happen more often. Expectation is a very powerful force. What are you thinking about right now? How can you turn it around to be thinking about the precise outcome or result that you really, really want?

10. Do YOU.

As a kid I would try to compete for first place in ways I could control (because I was not gonna have the biggest garden any time soon). I was top of the class. I did my best to be funny and popular and always in a good mood. These things “worked.” And they still work, to some degree. But when I’m motivated by an external limiting belief that I’m not enough, that leads me to believe I have to perform, whereas if I follow my natural human desire to feel good and authentic, I get a different result.

Whatever highs or achievements I experience don’t last when it’s coming from external prompts.

Doing me feels different. It allows me to be in a receptive mode—not just hustlin’ all day to impress my ex-husband’s new wife’s sister’s neighbor.

Doing you means feeling inspired, acting on internal instinct, and moving forward in your decision-making from a place of alignment and joy (not desperation, fear, and the old compare-and-despair mentality).

My friend Jim Kwik says development and growth are like an egg. When external forces break them, that means it’s over. When they break open from the inside, that’s life. That’s possibility. Are you allowing yourself to be driven by inside forces? Your intuition is your greatest advisor and a huge source of confidence—when you learn to trust it.

11. Live on purpose.

A mentor of mine says, “You had a purpose before anyone had an opinion.” Knowing your purpose—why you’re here—brings tremendous confidence. Are you in alignment with your purpose? Are you the friend, spouse, or boss that you know inside that you secretly could be? This is why plenty of people start side hustles—to allow their inner creativity to spark.

Holding back doesn’t feel good because it isn’t good. Confidence grows when we become who we really are, expand our comfort zone, and make progress in maturing and developing. How will you ever know who you really are until you explore it fully? Taking strides in living on purpose may be the most radical confidence-building act of all.

The magic of confidence is once you start to take control of your life—your inner narrative, how you feel about yourself, and what you spend your precious time doing—your life transforms. (And hey, you can still Netflix and chill sometimes!).

You are the chicken inside the egg breaking out. Deciding what’s next. Creating your future. And when you do that, not only do you move toward the highest manifestation of your life, you inspire other people to do the same. Confidence inspires and begets more confidence—so commit to it for you, yes. But also to the echo you create for everyone else.

Susie Moore is Greatist’s life coach columnist and a confidence coach in New York City. Sign up for free weekly wellness tips on her website and check back every Tuesday for her latest No Regrets column!

#Health

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foursprout-blog · 6 years

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How to Be a More Confident Person

New Post has been published on http://foursprout.com/health/how-to-be-a-more-confident-person/

How to Be a More Confident Person

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Of course this damaged my self-esteem. If I’d had no clue or paid less attention (hard but not impossible), my confidence in who I was and what I had would have stayed nicely intact.

1. Make the decision.

2. Sound the part.

Have you ever noticed how self-assured types speak differently?

Another fellow traveler might avoid eye contact and laugh nervously, saying, “I should document my travel more, but I haven’t figured out how to properly do that yet.”

Who do you think has more fun globe-trotting (and in general)?

Confident people also carry themselves differently. Their body language allows them to take up more space—they sit taller, gesticulate when speaking, and stand strong.

Comparing and looking for validation outside yourself is a recipe feeling like sh*t

3. Appreciate that everyone has insecurities.

4. Compare differently.

“Ugh—Sarah is SO fake!” people would say. Or “Becca’s just a CEO kiss-ass.”

And were they? Maybe. But these words of spite were definitely coming from a place of envy.

Instead, these women made me think to myself: Look what’s possible! Sarah was only in the ad tech industry for four years. Imagine what I can do in the next 12 months!

5. Keep compliments close.

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6. Stop fearing failure.

7. Laugh more.

There was an Insta post I saw that made me chuckle. It said, “You found that offensive? I found it funny! No wonder I’m happier than you!”

8. Take baby steps when you’re scared.

You don’t have to have it all figured out in order to get started. You just have to begin.

9. Focus on what you want (not what you don’t want).

10. Do YOU.

Whatever highs or achievements I experience don’t last when it’s coming from external prompts.

Doing me feels different. It allows me to be in a receptive mode—not just hustlin’ all day to impress my ex-husband’s new wife’s sister’s neighbor.

11. Live on purpose.

#Health

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crashpaddiaries · 7 years

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Dear Crashpad Diary #18

Well well well… haha How are you doing?? Sweeeeeet, right?!?!

the end is coming haha and I´d say that it is a peculiar feeling… don’t wanna the hampi trip to come to an end but I´m looking forward to see my bro and find out what Nepal reserves… I have no doubt that it will be epic and the experience will make me love the country… exactly like happened with India!! =)

Well… India will always be in my heart and soul… but for some people, also in their skin!! haha

Don´t get me wrong… there is nothing to do with tattoos or any kinda skin art haha its more related to the bikes… motorbikes!! hahaha I would never get a motorbike normally… I think it wouldn’t work out well for me and I would… because of the speed that I could reach… hug some light post or wall quickly…. that is the main reason for not handle me a bike peeps hahahaha

However…. there are some people that know how to drive and so on and rent bikes in Hampi to make it easier the transport… also… laziness hahaha were here for almost 3 months and we did pretty much everything walking… the things far away we had to take bus and tuktuk.. but its rare though haha

Anyway… people get the bikes here… but what they normally don’t consider is that they are different bikes… those that does not matter what do you wanna… it has its own will and will not give the chance to change it hahahah

We have seen so many people with huge scratches and bandages in all parts haha feet and arms are the most likely targets but backs…knees… faces… even the top of the feet haha I think the guys that rent the bikes have some sort of connection with the shops that sell antiseptics, tapes, bandaids and all this stuff hahahah

We had some friends that were fancying living on the edge and decided rent a a bike… a couple from England and two friends from Germany… the couple ended up few times inside the rice fields hahaha the best part was listening to their story…

Ben was driving and told us that the front wheel was acting weird… he was turning to the left and the thing to the right… the bikes are pretty stubborn hahaha… so he tried to avoid and got straight to the rice field…. as soon as he pushed the bike back to the road… Laura told him: “Let me drive cuz you clearly dont know how to drive the bike…” … He handled the bike and she tried to turn right and the bike went left… just because she wanted to check the other side of the rice field… not because the bike was mean!! hahahahaha In the end they pushed the bike back to the guy who rented and got their money back!! hahaha

Fortunately, they didn’t get hurt… kinda mud wet and with feel cereals on their pockets hahaha

On the other hand… Oscar and Ehmer didn’t have the same luck… they were the germans on the other evil bike… on day we met them coming back from the waterfall and when they were heading there we could foresee that the future (or the bike) wasn’t holding something good for them…. as they departed in an uncontrollable zig-zag towards the waterfall…. Later that day we heard they got in an accident…. nothing too serious but India will be remembered through all the scartissues hahaha

Climbing-wise… I know.. I haven’t been writing much about the climbing… we keep doing pretty often and having fun and all!! =)

…as the time passes we’ve been trying harder problems… working on our limits and trying to raise the level… its enjoyable and I´m having great fun… but working the whole time on your limits sometimes means… no sends for a while… which is quite hard… The good thing is that Alfonso came to visit us and we had awesome sessions together… sweet rest days… and loads of skin layers from our fingertips vanishing hahaha

I actually don’t know what disappeared faster… the weeks he was here or my skin hahaha Well… when we are having good times the clock seems to go into fast forward mode right?! haha

After that I had to take few days resting as I was working on 7bs and 7cs constantly… sadly got close to get some but didn’t finish anything for at least 3 weeks hahaha how the south africans would say: Shame!! hahaha

I, in fact tried to get going and went to another session with Fabi, to try the Goan Corner… one of the classics here…. woke up at 5:30… we were there around 6… and by the time the sun rises we have few minutes to try before it gets too hot… haha I only needed 3 tries to understand that I should not go for it hahaha I wasn’t having fun… my body wasn’t working well… my mind and body were completely disconnected and everything was feeling forced…. I spotted and went home rest haha

I had never thought that I would say that but I was looking forward to not climb for a while and recover… mainly my stated of psycheness hahahaha

Well… didn’t take too long too be psyched for climbing again… 3 days and I was looking at the columns and finding crimps were normal people see the mass that keep the bricks together hahahaha

Something that I´m loving though is the slackline… I have one and always get some sessions and some tries on rest days… but here there is one in our guest house… so easy… whenever I have time I hop on… and the days I wasnt climbing… the slackline was the activity…. I got awesome seshs and improved incredibly… to certain point that I was having more fun with the slackline than the climbing hahahaha (I said that whispering so no one will hear) hahahaha What an heresy hahahahaha

The thing is that maybe 10 years ago I saw a video called “Gibbon Kids” where they jumped… walked… did loads of mad tricks on the line and I was like: Wow… I wish I could do that… and that…”…. well… after the boost I can get loads of those tricks hahahah awesome jumpy times here hahahahahaha

Don´t worry (chicken curry)…. hahahah I´m back to climbing… had a great sesh these days… got an 7b and 2 new 7as in one morning!! hoooooray!!! =) Plus…. at the same session we discovered how to make liquid chalk… hahaha I´ll put up the steps in the end of this post hahaha

I forgot to mention something small that happened when Alfonso was here… we almost got busted by the police at the temples hahaha

He wanted to get the same picture as the front cover of the guide book…. Him climbing the egg shaped rock with the temples on the back… so… there we went… he put the shoes on… I got the camera and he ran sneakily towards the boulder… I got all the moves until the police started shouting and whistling telling him to get out of that rock…. it seems that those are holy rocks now…. and 10 years ago they had not reached the sacred lever… thats why it was possible climbing them!! hahahah

I would be the next to get the pics…. well… you know…. spend another nite in a jail for a pics does not sound worthy hahahaha

The guys that wrote the guide book should update that info to save some assess too!! hahahah

Other than that… we didn’t have much adventure…. Stephen and I were watching 127 Hour… but he had not seen that before… so… as it was dinner time and he was about to order a pizza, I asked if he gets sick with blood… he told me not and we got the movie going one…. the first part is great and the pizza was not ready… cuz you know…. murphy´s law…. hahahahah As soon as the guy got the arm stuck the pizza came flaming and smelling scrumptiously…. (spoil alert… actually… the movie is way to old… you should have seen it ages ago!! =) )…. by the time the guy cuts his arms the pizza was already trying to be digested in his stomach… something hard when you see a surgery well played on the screen…. so Stephen stood up and, as the germans on that bike…. departed fast in an uncontrollable zig-zag towards our room hahahaha I tried to go with him but all the stuff were still on the table and he told me to mind it hahaha wasn’t funny cuz he got sick…. actually was funny but fortunately he made it to our room without scratches or diving into the rice fields hahahaha Just kidding…. he is fine!! =)

For the gran finale… the Chalkitiser!!! I was in a great sesh with Esther… enjoying the cool breeze coming through the little cave… was midday or so… not much to do…. started wondering about the sanitiser…. that really dries up the hand…which is exactly the point of the liquid chalk…. so I told her… why not use the sanitiser and than chalk it up for climbing??

When she came with the best idea ever… why not mix the sanitiser with the powder??? hahahaha

That´s it… if you want liquid chalk you simply have to get a bottle of liquid sanitiser… which is pretty much alcohol…. mix with chalk and voilá!! haha Liquid chalk that helps you to get rid of 99.9% of the germs… raise up the level of you climbing… and simultaneously hydrates your hands as it has Aloe Vera!! hahahahah

Reading the post, It could think that it´s a joke… but the thing works and we tested while climbing hahahah give it a shot… the sanitiser costs like 10% the price of the liquid chalk and the powder you probably have…. so…. enjoy the Chalkitiser!! hahahahaha

Cool…. this gets me up to date beasts!!

In few days we will be going to Nepal but before I will send my last project….

Keep sending awesome vibes to the universe and the universe will return it back stronger!! Smile and you´ll get loads of smiley friends in this world!!

Good vibes and talk to you soon!!

Evan

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