#I’m driving to nyc to spend the night with my person tonight and sleep over with them | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

srprincess · 4 years

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Let’s pretend it’s still Fictober, yeah?

Still the spookdoo au (13 chapters and counting!)

Prompt 8 - “Can you stay?”

Nursey tapped his boot against the door jam in an attempt to knock, ”Permission to come aboard?”

Will called back from his spot, leaning forward against the rails with legs dangling over the edge of the deck. ”Aboard, huh? You can’t tell the difference between a boat and a lighthouse? That's pretty bad, even for a city boy.”

“You should be nicer to me. I come bearing cocoa and blankets.”

”If I send you away, do I still get to keep them?”

”Nope, package deal.”

”Damn.” With a put upon sigh, Will patted a spot on the deck next to him.”Might as well sit down then. I'm not guaranteeing good company though.”

“Figured that was a given,” Nursey teased as he took a seat, passing Will’s jacket over before pulling on his own.

“Ha-Fucking-Ha.” Will retorted as he made grabby hands for the blanket and thermos.

Seeing a shiver out of Nursey, he decided to share and tucked the blanket around both their shoulders. It was big enough they only needed to sit a little bit closer. The extra body heat was a bonus. If there was a comfortable hit of nostalgia for nights past, that was no one’s business but his own. They quietly sat side by side for a while, passing the thermos back and forth, sharing the cocoa. Occasionally Nursey would break the silence, incorrectly pointing out a constellation with a ridiculous fake name. Each time Will would counter with an actual constellation of his own. Other than that it was companionable silence. The kind you don't normally get outside of a long time friendship. Will thought it was nice, almost enough to make him forget why he'd stormed up in the first place.

When Nursey’s stomach growled, Will pointed out. ”You should have brought some snacks too. There were cookies in the cupboard.”

”I wouldn't have gone digging without asking. Besides, he's not done baking yet but Bitty’s probably about two things deep into apology desserts by now.”

”He doesn't have to-”

Nursey cut him off, ”It’s what he does. After years of experience I've learned you can't fight it so you might as well appreciate the goods. That and keep restocking his supplies, but since he's using your kitchen I'd say you've covered that part already.” After a particularly strong shiver he added, ”You should keep extra blankets up here.”

Will pulled the blanket tighter around them, scooting closer to press their sides together. ”Probably so. I used to keep a whole bed up here.”

”Out here?” Nursey said in disbelief, “You did not.”

”Not outside, in the lantern room,” Will clarified. ”When I was little I would spend as much time as I could up here. Started back when my grandfather used to tell me all these exciting stories about sailors and pirates. I always snuck up here, because I didn't want to chance missing the Big Ships. Then I just kept doing it because I liked it up here. Like my own little place on top of the world. Dad finally got me a little fold-up cot and a bin for my pillow and some blankets. I'd sit out here on the deck until my Ma brought me up cocoa and told me to sleep. Then I'd go inside and tuck until morning. Kept it up until a growth spurt had me too tall to fit on the cot.”

”So you’ve always lived here?”

”Yep, since birth. Easy to keep a family house when the family is small.”

”So if this was the family house, how did you end up with this whole thing to yourself?” When no answer came, Nursey shook his head. ”Sorry, that was - you don't have to answer that.”

”Like Insaid, small family. I was the only child of an only child. We lost my grandparents a long time back. My parents,” Will took a steadying breath, ”They had an accident. On the shore road one night. Fall after I graduated.”

”So that's why-”

”I get uptight about safety on the road there? Yeah.” What he wasn't going to share was how, if it could have been avoided, he wouldn't even drive on it himself. No doubt it played into why he didn't venture much further than he had to those first few months after.

”That’s, man, I don't even know what to say. Damn. I'm sorry. I can't imagine losing my parents like that.”

”Is what it is.” Will shrugged, sadly. He wasn't any better at accepting the condolences than most people were at giving them. Intended that way or not, they always felt like pity, which he hated most of all. “Couldn't see myself leaving after that. As it was, even before the accident, I had already planned on taking a year off to decide what to do next. These days I pick up a few jobs here and there to keep busy, but this place has been in the family forever and insurance more than covers expenses, so why leave now?” Softly, Will asked, ”Can we not talk about it anymore right now? I think tonight has been enough of - that.”

”Sure, of course. Sorry. Didn't mean to bring you further down. Want to talk about what we saw earlier? That was wild.”

”Hmm, no. Not yet. Sort of the same. I want to go back in the morning, but we can talk about it later.”

”Alright, sounds good. Then you probably don't want to talk about why we're up here and not down in the house either?”

”Absolutely not.”

”Okay. I’ve got it. Best topic. There's always the wonder of how I managed to be both the most interesting and good-looking person you've had the pleasure of showing up on your beach in ages?” Nursey said with another one of his damned winks.

Will decided to knock him down a little. In fun, of course. ”Yeeeah, I don't know about that. There's always James. He’s always hanging somewhere nearby. Spent most mornings last week tied off on my buoy, in fact. Surprised you haven't tripped over him yet, he's around so often.”

”James? So, is he a boyfriend, or...” Nursey trailed off.

”Why, you interested? He is single, ” Will went on, deliberately misinterpreting the question, ”and definitely a great character. Real nice to chat with, he always has the best stories.”

”I wasn't asking because I was interested in him, I just - wondered.”

”Probably for the best I don't introduce you then. Wouldn't want you to lead the poor guy on, might take it hard when you let him down. His wife passed about 10 or 15 years back, I think. Been alone since.”

”That long ago? How old was she - wait, no - how old is he?”

”Hmm...Not sure exact. Figure Old Man Jim’s got to be at least, hmmm, 80-something himself.”

”And he's the most interesting and good looking visitor you've had recently?” Nursey sounded incredulous.

”Okay, so maybe I’m giving him extra points for the personality. They are really good stories! Back in the day, they came in real handy when I was about to get in trouble for something my dad had done himself.” Will laughed at the memory. He wasn't one to get into much mischief, but stubbornness and independence he’d always had more than enough of. It seemed that he’d come about it naturally if the stories were to be believed. ”Now, as far as looks. Well, I’m afraid his best days for those are a few decades behind him. Especially since the last of his hair seems to have fled down to his beard.”

”So it is me then,” Nursey bumped his shoulder with a smug smile. ”Interesting and with the looks. Total package.”

”Eh, it's a close tie.”

”Hey!”

”Or, I suppose, you could be slightly ahead,” Will bumped him back. ”Maybe you can rack up some extra personality points yourself and secure the lead. What kind of stories you got?”

”Ummm,” Nursey looked like a deer in the headlights, making Will laugh.

”Shit. You can't put me on the spot. It's like I've forgotten every story I ever told!”

Will decided to take it easy on him, give him a nudge, ”I’ll help you out. You already know I was the weird lighthouse kid, up here every night. Ever do anything like that when you were little? I mean, not sleep in a lighthouse obviously. But camp or something?”

”Not really. City boy, remember? I never went away to camp and no one sleeping in a tent in NYC is there doing it by choice.” Nursey pointed out with a hint of a grimace.

”Oh, yeah. I guess not,” Will paused. He hadn't thought about it like that. ”What about vacations? You must have gone away at some point growing up. No trips to the country?”

”We did travel, a lot actually, but it was usually to other cities. Sometimes out of the country, never out to the country. You know what I mean? Restaurants, shows, lots of museums.” Nursey admitted, ”We aren't exactly nature people.”

”Cities are too full of people, you missed out.” Will countered.

”I'm beginning to think maybe so. Did fall asleep on the porch roof a few times in college though. That's close to camping, right?”

”You? You slept on a roof?” Will scoffed, ”I’m not even sure you should’ve been trusted on a ladder!”

”Hey! You don't know me nearly well enough to make that assumption!” Nursey shoved at him playfully. ”Besides, I climbed out a window. No ladders involved.”

”You think I don't know you well enough? We may have just met, but I'm pretty sure I've seen you fall more than enough times to assume that it’s a fairly common occurrence.”

”I caught you once too!”

“Once! And I was distracted, so it barely counts,” Will argued.

”Counting it!” Nursey clapped back.

His phone started to vibrate on the deck again, and Nursey pushed it back further out of sight.

Since it wasn't the first time he heard it go off, Will figured he should ask, ”Do you need to get that?”

”Nah, I'm busy here. Defending my honor and all.”

”You sure?”

He checked the display, ”It's just Bitty, no SOS. It’s fine.”

”Probably wants to make sure I didn't push you over the side.”

”I'm sure he doesn't think anything of the kind.”

”I screamed at everyone and then stormed off. You followed me, alone. Now you aren't answering your phone. He thinks exactly that.”

”It was understandable. He even told me to apologize to you for the comment and the pushing -”

Will waved it off, ”I know how I get. I shouldn't have blown up, but it was just a lot all the sudden, ya’ know? I know its no excuse, and I'm sorry. Just, I'm not used to all the ’people time’ and then all of this and I feel like I'm letting everyone down, even myself, and-”

”First off you aren't letting any of us down. This is hands down our most eventful trip yet. By a mile.”

”Seriously. You've spent more time than anything sitting in my kitchen waiting to do things.”

”Waiting where it's warm, which is better than our usual.” Nursey pointed out. ”Plus you told us where to go, helped with the history.”

”And you've all fed me a couple times over.”

”What’s one more person when a group is this size? And you fed me too, fair’s fair.”

”I’ve yelled at you. More than once.”

Will briefly wondered why he was arguing against himself. Guilt was a weird thing, he supposed. Then Nursey apparently decided it was time to switch tactics, throwing him off.

”Hmmm, that's true. You are terrible. The worst.”

”I’m not saying I’m the worst!” Will, tried to backpedal.

”No, you were right. I mean, that's not even going back to the beginning, when you almost murdered me -”

”Oh. My. God.” Will leaned back enough to get a hand on his hip. ”I did not!”

”Nearly drowned to death in the prime of my life,” Nursey moaned, holding his hands dramatically over his heart.

Laughing, Will grabbed him by the shoulders and pretended to pull him towards the deck edge, ”I’ll show you near-death-”

At Nursey’s overdramatic yelp and cries for help, Will fell towards him laughing until he was a mess of hiccups, laughter, and tears.

”You're ridiculous!”

”And you're smiling.” Nursey pointed out, his eyes dropping to Will’s mouth. ”Worth it.”

From behind where they laid, twisted in a heap of bodies and blankets, there was the sound of a throat being cleared and then Bitty’s voice called out, ”Not dead then?”

Will fell further backward, still laughing, ”Told you!”

”He’s being dramatic.”

”I’m dramatic? Big words from Mr. Almost Murdered,” Bitty said.

”How long have you been standing back there lurking?” Nursey asked, suspiciously.

”Not too long, but long enough.” Bitty shook his head, smiling, ”If you two are about finished, there’s a cobbler and some cookies in the kitchen whenever you want to come back down.”

”Two desserts! Now who called it!” Nursey crowed.

”What’s that saying about stopped clocks?” Will mocked right back.

”Some boys never grow up,” Bitty said, shaking his head before going back down into the main house.

”Overrated!” Nursey shouted after him.

Will pulled himself back upright and started detangling himself from the twisted up blanket nest. ”We probably should go back down.”

”If we want any of that cobbler, yeah.” Nursey jumped to his feet and offered Will a hand up.

On their way down the stairs, Will stopped Nursey with a hand on his shoulder. ”You should stay.”

”What?” Nursey turned back to him.

”Tonight. Can you stay?” Will said again. Actually making it a question this time. And Nursey looked...shocked. Maybe not shocked, but at least surprised. Oh hell, now Will was questioning opening his mouth at all. ”Not like that,” he tried to quickly explain. “Guest room. I have one. Maybe you could stay tonight? I just thought, if we were going back to the cottage tomorrow, it would be easier and - never mind you don't have to.”

”No, I can. You just caught me off guard. Figured you'd be looking for us to clear out so you could have some quiet again.” Nursey smiled reassuring, ”I mean, I’d like to stay, if it's not too much trouble.”

”Course not, I offered.”

”Only, do you have anything I can borrow to clean up and change in to? I'm kind of a mess after the impromptu yard work and all.”

”Didn’t I already loan you an outfit,” Will poked him. ”You trying to take my whole wardrobe piece by piece?”

Nursey bit his lip, ”Ohhhh. Didn’t I give you back the other clothes?”

”Pretty sure not.”

”Well, I meant to?”

”Intentions don't keep a body warm, but I can probably scrape up a few more things for you. You already know where the shower is.”

”Then yeah, I can stay.”

”Good. Now we better hurry before they send someone else after us.”

”Truth.”

#omgcp #spookydoo au #nurseydex #fictober19 #I won't let any calendar be the boss of me #I might be slow but I'll get there!

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closetcasefabray · 5 years

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wednesdays

a (belated) rough drabble i wrote on my phone for day 2 of clexa week, “no strings attached,” based on my college life choices. if ppl like it, i’ll maybe turn this into a multi-part fic.

this is in a separate universe from the mom-arm nyc au i have planned for a super belated useless bisexual fic. but here have this in the meantime.

you groan as your phone rings next to your head in bed. 3:30 am exactly. you answer with sleep still in your voice, “be right there.” you hang up without waiting for a response.

you pull yourself out of bed, throw on some comfortable sweatpants and a jacket, grab your keys, and walk toward the train. you don’t live in a “bad neighborhood,” but clarke grew up in a massive house in the suburbs outside the city, where her mother taught her cities are “where people get murdered,” so clarke insists she has someone walk her because it would just be her luck she would walk by herself one night and get mugged and therefore have to tell her mother.

you rolled your eyes at her explanation but part of you also likes this tradition—going out when most of the city is asleep, and the idea of someone feeling safer with you doesn’t hurt. this is all habit and anya likes to remind you how desperate it is for you to do so much for “a little action.” a little is an understatement.

you first met clarke through your friend luna, who is very much so the opposite of you. clarke and luna like going out to party, and you have a thesis to write. clarke devotes a lot of her time to classes too, but you don’t find spending that much money for a hangover to be appealing.

you kissed clarke after meeting at luna’s birthday party, right after costia visited and left for what felt like the last time. (you broke up because of long distance, but you think you’ll always be in love with costia.) it felt easy and clarke was an incredible kisser.

you never had a “talk,” but you both understood. clarke’s lifestyle is so different from yours, the attraction is mostly physical. spending time with clarke and luna can really annoy you, the two of them caring far too much about parties and finding new haunts. when you found yourself regretting joining them at a rooftop bar, ready to make up an excuse to leave, clarke pulled you into the bathroom before you understood what was happening. you realized you like her most when she’s pressed against you and kissing you fiercely.

meanwhile, you make strange but decent friends. sometimes she brings you a scone from the bakery across from her internship, meets you at the library to give you a small break from studying. you like hanging out with her in your element—your place or on campus.

drunken kissing became normal after a month, so it was easy to invite her back to your apartment after a night out, leaving clarke stuck in the city until she could drive back home sober. she only had a couple of beers and you can both admit it was a flimsy excuse to get her in your bed. once she kissed you in the dark of your room, pressed her leg between your thighs, and you heard her breath catch when you reciprocated the gesture, you were hooked.

clarke likes kissing you in secret. once you started fucking completely sober, you learned she likes fucking you in secret too. but you’re both bad at secrets and luna makes jokes about it all the time and anya finds it 100% annoying.

so you fuck in fancy bar bathrooms, the library stacks, a sorority house spare bedroom. the best was when she fucked you in the bathroom above the park, floor to ceiling windows, so you just remember how the skyline shimmered when she made you come.

then luna and clarke got closer, realized their love for night life and made a weekly tradition of going out late. to avoid clarke driving or staying in luna’s small dorm, luna was the one who said she should stay with you. clarke didn’t like walking the three blocks alone, so you have gotten used to these 3 am treks. you’ve walked through rain and snow to meet her outside luna’s, and you’re grumpy about it sometimes, but after several orgasms you get over it.

luna lives in a dorm right off the train, so you find them having cigarettes on her stoop, as always. luna hugs clarke goodbye, swaying relatively drunkenly, then gives you a wink and tells you both to have fun.

the walk is silent at times, but tonight clarke tells you she slapped a guy in the face for trying to kiss her in some bougie bar you’ve never heard of. you grin when she ends with a concise, “fuck that guy.” you briefly wonder if she’s ever turned down going home with someone to come back to you. you don’t let yourself ask her.

you enter your apartment quietly and slip by anya’s room to yours at the other end. clarke stops in the bathroom to brush her teeth because she knows you will tell her she tastes like an ashtray otherwise. (anya saw the third toothbrush appear a few weeks ago and threatened to clean the toilet with it. you know she won’t, but she doesn’t hide how much she dislikes clarke when she talks to you. when it comes to interacting with clarke, she usually just disappears into her room after greeting clarke in passing, so you know it’s less personal and more that she thinks clarke is bad for you. you would probably agree if you thought it out more, but you like that clarke being in your life doesn’t require deep analysis or reflection. right now, anyway.)

you take off your jacket and sweatpants and crawl into bed. clarke follows shortly after, closing the bedroom door gently. you watch her take off her jewelry, setting it on your desk, then her black dress is unzipped and shrugged off, slung over your desk chair, and she smirks and holds eye contact as she removes her bra and underwear.

“what if i’m not in the mood tonight?” you say as she approaches you with her smirk in place.

she raises an eyebrow. “are you not in the mood?”

“i’m just saying ‘what if?’”

“i’d be a little disappointed because i’ve honestly been thinking about fucking you all day,” she says quietly, and you feel yourself get wetter at the thought and the sound of her raspy voice from yelling over music most of the night, “but i’d steal your stupid french club t-shirt and your silly library stamp boxers and sleep next to you.”

“good to know,” you say with a small grin. “but i’m in the mood so...”

she gets in bed, straddling your lap. she plucks the band of your sleep shorts. “why do you even bother getting in bed with clothes on then?”

you shrug, sitting up and wrapping your arms around her waist. you place a kiss to the center of her bare chest. “in case you’re not in the mood?”

she takes your hand and guides it down between her legs, a soft moan escaping her mouth as your run your fingers through her folds and feel how wet she is. “what kind of mood does that feel like?”

you end up fucking until the sun starts to come up, and you’re not entirely sure when you felt comfortable enough to sleep entirely naked with clarke but it’s never awkward the morning after. even when you were with costia, you often threw on underwear and a shirt after getting back into bed. maybe it’s because clarke is not afraid to talk about sex—what she likes doing, what she wants to try—so nudity between you two is hardly anything to make you blush.

you wake up before her, but you lie there and begin to plan out your day. eventually you feel clarke roll over to face you, and you smile because her hairs a mess and she smiles because you are.

“y’know,” she rasps, stretching her arms above her head with a yawn, “if i ever wake up before you one of these days, how would you feel if i woke you up by going down on you?”

you feel your face blush, but manage to reply, “that’d probably be the best alarm clock ever.”

clarke hums in agreement. you eyes travel down her body, the sheet only covering her from the waist down. when your gaze returns to her face again, she’s smirking knowingly.

“well,” she says, rolling over onto you and putting her thigh between your legs, “why don’t we pretend you hit snooze?”

#clexa #clexa drabble #ccf drabbles #ccf fanfiction #ccf #clexafic #clexaweek2019 #day 2: no strings attached

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axiolotl · 5 years

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this week has been really, really weird. like a whole ass roller coaster, with a lot of great, awesome things and one pretty bad thing, but...i’m still ok. literally no one has any obligation to read this it’s just me reflecting on a wild week so that i don’t lose track and can go through my feelings

(read more for Lots of personal)

so this past week:

Thursday: got to my hotel in Boston to go to PAX East for the weekend with some of my best friends, and had a really nice, relaxing time in a lil mini-vacation, in anticipation of a new job starting in a week (today, technically)

Friday: we all got dressed up in really nice cosplays from the game monster prom, and went to really cool panels, people took our pictures, and just...it was so nice to wake up and hang out with friends, peacefully getting make up all in excitement for a con. we met the monster prom creators and became friends with one of them, and she invited us to her new play opening up in NYC for thursday (i couldn’t go bc my new job was 1-9pm, but still super nice). and we learned a lot at panels, and got a ton of inspiration for game ideas and future cosplays. we saw so many cool indie games and most importantly i got to hang out with just. good friends

Saturday: we spent the day relaxing at the hotel, went to the gym, and then i got to meet my good internet friend for the first time and play d&d (dungeons & doggies) while drunk and it was warm and nice and cozy and fantastic

Sunday: i was originally not going to go to PAX East on this day but i bought a ticket anyway bc i just got a new job, we go back in normal clothes, see a bunch of new indie games and go to educational panels, and again, hang out with good friends. we got inspiration for the games we wanna make this summer!!!! we all drive back to my friend’s place for the night & sleepover

Monday: we woke up at my friend’s place, which is always just...such a treat? it’s always so nice and dreamy and beautiful to wake up on the couch with my friend sleeping on the air mattress next to me, while my two other friends quietly make breakfast and coffee and play games on mute in the same room. Ideal. i drove back home and spent the rest of the day recovering to make sure i don’t get con plague, went into my parent’s hot tub, hung out with friends online (and fell asleep while on call l o l )

Tuesday: another slower day, but i set goals to email a professor about a class i’m currently failing to ask if there was any way to extend my deadlines. i was still really tired and feeling sick from PAX so im proud that i was able to send that email and still unpack my bag and clean up my house, knowing i’d want a cleaner place in the coming week bc low energy and new job (and had a fun time hanging out with friends online by the end of the day)

Wednesday: i spent the morning organizing all the business cards, pamphlets, and handouts from PAX to make sure that i wishlisted all the games i wanted and recorded all the notes from the panels i wanted. i sat down and found all the documents for my taxes and filed my taxes by myself for the first time, which is awesome. (i did all of that without my ADHD meds, btw)

i also had class & d&d that night, and just as i was about to fill out my W2 for the new job i was gonna start today before i go to class, my mom called to let me know that my grandma passed away.

it...it’s kind of been a long time coming. idk how many people followed me almost a decade ago when my grandpa (my grandma who just died’s husband) but it was a similar situation. she’s had dementia for the past two years, and has been on the decline for a while. i don’t know whether she recognized me this past year, or really understood what anyone was saying (she couldn’t really speak, either), but...it’s still really hard. it’s relieving, almost, to know that she doesn’t need to suffer in confusion anymore, but it’s difficult being in the “after” of such an event, even when, all things considered, i had a pretty awesome week with even more awesome things planned in the future. i called out of class and my new job & they said they’d make my start date next week instead, and played d&d that night to keep my spirits up. OH and i got an email saying that i got accepted for a scholarship to cover all my tuition for next semester, and my professor said he’d extend deadlines for my failing class lol.

Thursday (today!): I woke up feeling...mostly okay, actually. it’s really hard to determine my feelings, because i went through a bunch yesterday after talking to family & friends, and did a lot of reflection and comparison between how i feel now versus how i felt back when i first experienced death in my family. when my grandpa died, i felt that same relief, and at first, i didn’t really feel anything. i was in the beginning stages of a depressive episode and his death triggered a years long major depressive episode. but the difference now is that i’m stronger emotionally, i have an amazing support system of friends, i’m happy and have been happy consistently for a year, and i know when to be gentle with myself; i probably technically could have gone to my first day of work today, but i think for myself emotionally, it’s better that i didn’t. it’s better that i took the time today to clean the house, find pictures of my grandma, and write a eulogy for sunday and monday. it’s better that i wasn’t worrying about my first day outfit and remembering names and meeting people while also having that emotional stress on me, instead of ignoring that emotional stress.

i’ve matured emotionally since then. i won’t just push down what i’m feeling; i can acknowledge my mourning, i can remember my grandma, i can be sad about losing her, and still continue my life and see my future in excitement. it’s going to hurt to feel those things, it’s going to hurt to talk to my family, it’s going to hurt to see my family sad, and it’s going to hurt to go to the funeral and the wake. it’s going to hurt to do those things, but i can still find good things. i can smile at the pictures i go through, and i can plan to hang out with friends so that i can be reminded of how good life is, and i can bring the joy and love and warmth that i learned in the past decade and continue to carry it through with me.

later today i’m going over to my grandma’s house to help my cousin look for old pictures for a memorial, and then tonight i’m going to go to that musical in the city, and then sleepover at my friend’s house

Future: Friday! i’ll wake up at my friend’s house, my friend will drive us home, and then i’ll drive my cousin home from school and then go hang out at a friend’s birthday party and see my best friends

Saturday i’ll probably be hosting family and/or prepping for the wake and funeral on Sunday and Monday. then Tuesday i have therapy (coincidentally convenient), and d&d again (nice). Wednesday i have class again and then Thursday i’ll *actually* start my job

it’s just been like. WILD. this week has gone from straight up convention, good school news, potential new job, a family death, a musical and a birthday party. this is like a stupid impossible week, how did i get such a huge amount of fun events and good news and then bad news in one week. but the good things is, is that i know i’ll be okay. i know i have fantastic friends, and i know how to take care of myself, and i think i know how to mourn now without completely being devastated. i think that i can be gentle with myself and cushion the bad with the good, to know that life is weird, and i’ll be okay no matter what. i would, really, though, like to just spend the rest of this week with friends even more than i already am. i’d like to hide away for a bit, i’d like to process my feelings, i’d like to commiserate on my own and quietly, and i’d like to just...have someone hold me for a bit. but i’ll be okay, and it’s okay that i won’t be okay for a bit. but unlike last time, i know how to allow myself to be not okay and then recover from that. i know how to come out of this, and i know how to find the happiness. and im eternally grateful to my friends who have been so supportive, even if it’s just by them being their funny and fantastic selves

#alyssa.txt #family member death///#this was long #sorry

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liminal8 · 5 years

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2/11

I’ve been meaning to do something like this for a while, especially since this tour started. In truth ‘blogging’ - or something like it - has been a childhood ambition of mine, ask any of my high school friends (it was kind of a running joke). I feel like now might be as appropriate a time as any to start something like this. Also so I really don’t like people who don’t practice what they preach. I have a strong opinion and hope that everyone will go for stuff they want to do without hesitation or fear of judgment. Personally, fear of judgment has been something that’s always loomed over my decisions to do or not to do, and as I recently discovered, has really been a hindrance in my singing. Like, physically causing tension in how I sing. I’m rambling, but the point is: go for it. This is me going for it.

I’m driving from Columbus to Chicago right now on a ‘travel day.’ I guess we’re eleven shows into the tour now, which is insane. It’s going by so fast. Birmingham feels like a year ago. I’ve been to so many places already in this short amount of time, and have many more miles to go still. If I can say anything, it’s that I’m thankful. I’m really trying to consciously be present in each moment, this time - when it’s just the four of us traveling across the country - may not exist like this again. I could die tomorrow! Making every second matter is important to me. I think some of the most memorable moments so far for me, as I take a second to reflect -

- Walking out on the stage at The Saturn in Birmingham (hours before the show), and thinking ‘holy shit, this is the kind of room I would have gone to in high school to see one of my favorite bands!’ A venue in the early hours of a show day is somewhat enchanting. It has so much potential. It’s this big space that is just waiting to be filled - with music and people alike. Being a part of this thing that happens to an empty room is really cool, especially having been on the other side of it for so long (as a concert goer).

- Again, in Birmingham, hearing a large part of the room singing the words to Something I’ve Been Waiting On, when there is no reason they heard the song before the show. It’s been very strange, in the best way possible, to look out at each crowd and see people singing the words to my songs. This is still something I haven’t fully processed, and I’m so grateful for you is all I can put to concrete words now. But this moment, which is a repeat thing in our sets, stood out especially on this first night in Birmingham because I could hear the crowd singing over my in-ears. That’s pretty impressive given they are molded to my ear canal to block out outside sound.

- Driving into the city of DC. Driving through Philadelphia. We’re towing a fairly big trailer behind our van, and navigating the narrow and hectic streets of one of these cities (can’t take credit for New York, all Noah there) is nerve-racking, to say the least. I’ve learned it’s a do or die attitude that’ll get a southern boy, like myself, through a situation like that. If you let fear or doubt into your brain, you’re doomed - trust your instincts! At least that’s what I’m going to keep telling myself.

- Staying the night in this really creepy hotel where the only channel on the TV was the Twilight Zone. We are getting to experience a lot of hotels. Most have been normal, this one was not. But as you know if you’ve coordinated driving a trailer, unloading that trailer, parking, setting up a bunch of gear, taking down all that gear, re-loading the trailer, and finding your way out of NYC on a cold rainy night, any bed is a welcomed bed at 2 AM.

- Noah somehow getting us out of a closed-off street we’d parked on through a parking garage that we couldn’t fit through. This was just one of those situations where my thoughts were ‘well, we’re either getting out of this or we’re sleeping in the middle of this parking garage.’ Luckily, with the help of an attendant, we managed to back out and onto the street. By then the construction vehicles had cleared a path for us.

- Most recently, when we started playing the first song of our set, King of Nothing, and the whole front of the Columbus crowd was jumping and going wild. That was really cool to instantly connect with a crowd like that. As a listener and concert-goer myself, I understand the inherent skepticism that comes when seeing an opening / new band. A band needs to earn your respect, at least in my opinion. In a commercial market, given the desire to be commercial, earning an audience’s approval and trust is important.

This tour has been good. It’s been very rewarding and exciting. It’s also been eye-opening and challenging. Being on a real tour like this is a whole other level. Obviously. But just stuff that you, or at least I, didn’t think about reveals itself. Since it’s just the four of us, we really have to be on top of all the minute and mundane details that will bite you in the ass, such as realizing no one has found a place to stay after the show, so you end up spending a ridiculous amount of money on a hotel. There’s also a lot of lifting and carrying stuff. Around the block, up a flight of stairs? What’d you expect!’ I personally don’t mind that when all is said and done, as it helps ‘keep me in shape,’ or so I tell myself. Navigating cities, waking up early to be on time, lots of stuff. I’ve got to give a huge shout out to all of our parents for their help - both emotionally and financially. Our workload (outside of the music) is a fraction of what it would be without them.

That’s all for today. I don’t know how regularly I’m gonna do this. When I want to. And who knows what I’ll write about. But that’s where we’re leaving it today. If you have questions or topics you’d like to hear incorporated please let me know. Hanging in Chicago tonight, back at it at Lincoln Hall tomorrow night.

Graham Laderman

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themagicandthemystery · 6 years

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8/7, 8/8 and 8/9. cause seven ate nine. martes, miercoles y jueves.

catch up time. i did end up staying in at the hotel on tuesday night. one of the waiters actually lived in md for a long time. near gaithersburg. so that was fun.

wed. i wasn’t exactly sure what to do with myself since i only had the afternoon. i went to a cool coffee shop called full city coffee house. the coffee was great. two guys were speaking english next to me, so i said, “i’m saying hi because i also speak english.” the guy replied, “hi, also speak english.” how clever. they both live in buenos aires, one dude was a brit from liverpool, the other from san fran but went to college at dickinson or something in pa. the one from san fran did not seem interested in talking to me, but the brit was. they both are married to or marrying argentinian woman. they told me to be careful cause it’s a trap. luckily for those who don’t want me moving to argentina i wasn’t there long enough for that to happen. but even if it did, i’d make them move to the states. so. read game of thrones, wondered the streets a bit. found a store that had a bunch of bk stuff in it. those guys did tell me that buenos aires has an obsession with nyc.

after wondering the streets i stopped at a place for dinner before heading to buequebus. it was ok, some viking place. didn’t want to go far from the hotel cause i didn’t want to get lost and i needed to get back to hotel to grab my bags. was planning on giving myself 2 hours to get to ferry. it was raining. i called the uber. one person didn’t show up. the second person showed up but said they only took cash, which is obvi bs cause it’s uber and he’s trying to scam. then, the 3rd person. finally. it was a little after 7. ferry left at 9. it is about a 20/25 minute drive. BUT. because of the vote on abortion rights, traffic was madness. the absolute worst traffic i’ve ever been in. there were huge rally’s for people pro-choice and pro-life. the driver kept honking, which is dumb. honking does not make traffic go away in most cases. i got to the ferry around 9:45. shit, obviously. i did realize i was going to be late while i was in the car, so i made peace with it. the buquebus people were very helpful. there were none leaving that night though, so looked like i was spending another night in BA. money wise, that kinda sucks, but. we all know i love hotels. they gave me a ticket, at no charge, for the next day (today). i actually got to get the more expensive ticket which is a ferry directly to montevideo rather than the ferry and bus. so that’s kinda cool. once that was handled, i had to figure out where i was sleeping.

i did see a sheraton not that far back while i was in traffic. was just going to go there, but the buquebus woman gave me a list of close hotels and there is also a holiday inn express that you could see from buquebus. i just decided to walk there. it was raining. i had no umbrella. it was close. walked in and up to the concierge and said i needed a room. they were all booked. which clearly i understood. but i needed help, so i asked if he could help me find something, especially since i can’t really call around places. he was awesome, he found me a hotel that was close and even called them to let them know i was coming. it was about 8 minutes from the holiday inn. pulitzer hotel. i just had to walk down the street then make a right on maipu. pronounced. my poo. ha. ugh. this is long and i’m over writing it right now! but i will persist!

ok. got to the hotel. loved it!! very cute and my style. great decor. i was just gonna stay in the hotel, read and have a glass of wine. but the bar was empty. so i asked the concierge if there was any place super close that was also cool. indeed there was, a place called SHOUT. very chic cocktail bar. the bartender there was awesome. great perspective on things. they had great cocktails and wine on tap. some guy and the bartender made some cool drink for me that you drink kinda like mate. i was contemplating staying an extra day because someone told me about this river tour you can take to see some of the beauty of argentina, i was kinda torn. and she was like, these are the stresses of life on vacation :) good call. i really would love to see more of argentina, and south america for that matter, this is just not the trip for it. i don’t really wanna do that stuff solo. decided against it. after i finished the drink i headed back to the hotel for a glass of wine before bed at the bar with my book. chatted with the bartender for awhile. he was flirting a bit too much. i told him i had a boyfriend. he was nice though. when i have my layover he wanted to take me somewhere in BA. that’s def not happening. THEN. i went to bed.

and finally! last paragraph. there will also be many pics to follow. woke up. showered. wondered around the streets a bit. the drugstores here have a lot more products than they do in montevideo. i kinda got lost, in a good way, on the way to buquebus just to see the sites. i passed a lot of cool stuff. but now. i have to board the ferry! so i gotta go. i will finish the day tonight or tomorrow! DONE.

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hauntednightmarekitty · 3 years

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We're All Here

Summary: Zelda is counting down the hours until midnight and she can go home to do what she has had planned for weeks.

Warnings: Suicidal ideation, thoughts of self-harm, drug mention, alcohol use, there's also some minor swearing at the end.

A/N: I tried a new writing style here, I used very little dialogue and focused mostly in the past, so I'm not super sure of how well it worked out.

7 hours until the new year. 7 hours until we could put this last year behind us. 7 hours until midnight.

Julian just arrived, fashionably late as always, with Nate on his heels. It was the first New Year's Eve they'd be spending with us. Julian just moved here last month and Nate just never paid attention to the Catholic school weirdos.

Void was laying on the couch, watching one of the many New Year's Eve specials. In fact, I think it was scrolling through a few of them when it got bored of one. Void and I had been friends since grade school. We both were disabled in one way or another and the teachers thought we'd get along for that reason. We both knew this even if they said we had similar personalities. Whichever reason was the true reason, we got along better than anyone expected.

Juliet was sitting on the floor next to Void, holding the hand that was hanging off the couch. Void introduced Juliet to me in sixth grade. They were in class together and the math teacher was getting after Juliet for using the incorrect formulas to solve equations even though she was getting them right. Void had none of it and called the teacher out, securing itself detention. Juliet was pulled into our circle from that day forward, never being able to pull herself away from Void.

6 hours until midnight. 6 hours until this miserable year was finally over.

Julian was sitting in Nate's lap now, watching some singers perform in NYC. I couldn't name them if I tried. I never kept up with singers, preferring to stick with the few that I listened to. Nate has a beer, he would bring it to his lips every few minutes, taking a sip, then set it back down on the arm of the chair. Julian must not have told him that both of us are in recovery. We weren't planning on drinking, Void and Juliet are usually fairly sympathetic to mine and Julian's situations, but Nate had brought the beer and decided to drink it, even if he was the only one drinking. I was ready for this year to end, but I can't even imagine how ready Julian is.

Void had migrated to the kitchen with Juliet. They were in there talking and making cookie dough, the scent wafting through the rest of the house. I don't think they planned on baking anything, I think they planned on eating the dough raw. Juliet and Void started officially dating in 9th grade, but we all saw it coming years before that. They were always touching in some way whether it be holding hands, snuggling, or just casual touch. They'd silently sign to each other when they were in large groups and they'd giggle when they weren't. Everyone knew that they'd get together and everyone knew I'd be left as the third wheel.

5 hours until it was finally over.

Nate was slightly buzzed. That much was obvious. He planned on staying the night - everyone was staying the night beside me - so he didn't care about how drunk he got. He didn't have to drive home. He was nuzzling his nose into Julian's shoulder and collar bone. He wasn't kissing or biting, just smelling Julian's cologne and showing his boyfriend how much he loves him. I can't imagine how it feels to be loved that much. How it feels to know that someone would do anything for you. Nate would do absolutely anything for Julian. Julian seemed happy with the situation. I guess he would be. It seems nice.

Void and Juliet had made their way back to the living room with a bowl of uncooked cookie dough to share between the five of us. They were snuggling, as always. Juliet's hand rubbing circles in Void's thigh, its arm wrapped around her shoulders. I never understood why they stuck with me when they were so happy together. Especially this last year. I've been a burden on both of them. Pulling them down when they needed support. Disappearing when they needed company. Keeping so many secrets. I had gotten prescribed opioids for my pain early last year, and my use spiraled out of control until I was faking prescriptions, counting pills to make sure I had enough, and crushing and snorting them. They didn't find out about what I was doing until my mom did. Until she sent me away to rehab. Made me attend the NA meetings where I met Julian. I would've left me, so I don't understand why they stay.

4 hours until the end. 4 hours until it was all over.

Nate and Julian had moved to the floor, freeing up the chair for me to sit. They were nestled in a pile of blankets, where they'd be sleeping tonight, with Julian's head on Nate's chest. Julian and Nate just worked for some odd reason. They were total opposites and yet they were perfect. Julian was a loner with few friends. He was dark and came with a lot of baggage. A kid that people usually didn't want to befriend. However, Julian also made an attempt to befriend anyone else. Nate, on the other hand, was the school's golden boy. He did great in his classes and was the star quarterback on his football team. He befriended everyone he met and could date anyone in the school. Anyone who had eyes would fall for Nate. But he chose Julian. He wanted Julian like no one ever wanted me. Like Julian, I was a loner, last to be picked for everything. The only difference between us is that I haven't found the person that'd pick me first every time.

Void had taken out its cochlear implant and discarded it on the coffee table. Its head was in Juliet's lap and their eyes were closed while Juliet carded through its hair, obviously brushing over the shaved side. If I didn't know better I would think that it was sleeping, but I could see its fingers tracing circles over Juliet's knees. It never missed an opportunity to stay up late and would try its hardest to see the countdown. Juliet, however, liked to see if she could make it fall asleep before midnight. She never managed to, but you never know what the future may hold. Void and I used to bet on who could stay up until midnight on New Year's Eve when we were younger. I almost always lost, falling asleep early nearly every time. But that all changed when Juliet joined our group. Maybe it was because we could both easily stay up until midnight now or maybe it was because Void was embarrassed by some of our old rituals. I'd never ask, so I'll never find out. Honestly, I don't want to know.

3 hours. 3 hours until I could be done.

Julian was perched on the arm of my chair now. I think he noticed that I wasn't talking much and wanted to give me some attention. He was pushing my wheelchair, which was next to the armchair I was sitting in, back and forth with his foot, unable to make eye contact with the silence between us. Julian always did better when talking to other people. It was easier for him to talk to Nate or Juliet, even Void. There were always too many lapses in conversation between us. Too many silences. Rarely were they awkward - we were both comfortable with them - but it didn't make for very good conversation. I always felt like Julian would rather be talking to anyone else.

Nate was still on the floor, watching Julian from his cocoon of blankets. I didn't see why Julian wouldn't just go back to snuggling with Nate. It had to have been more enjoyable for him. He always liked being close to Nate whether he admitted it or not.

Void was still laying with its head in Juliet's lap. The only movement that it made in the last hour was turning onto its back to be able to talk to Juliet. It was able to read lips fairly well and even without its cochlear on, it could still communicate clearly. I just couldn't get its attention as easily now since it couldn't hear me. It prefers to talk to Juliet anyways. They always tell each other their secrets. In eighth grade, Void came out as nonbinary - endergender to be more specific - and Juliet was the first person that it told. Just a few years prior I would've been the first person it came out to - it was the first person who I told I was a lesbian - but ever since Juliet came into our group Void would tell her everything.

2 hours until everything was over for me.

I should just leave now. Leave early. It would save everyone the next two hours of suffering with me. But I couldn't leave early. It'd be too suspicious.

Julian went back to the floor with Nate. He always went back to Nate. And Void was still laying on Juliet. They all leave me without anybody. A useless fifth wheel.

1 hour. 1 hour until I could go home and end it all. I wanted to leave early. I wanted so desperately to leave early. Would anyone even notice?

30 minutes.

Juliet was calling out the time every ten minutes. Like I'd forget how long is left.

20 minutes.

Julian was sitting up now, Nate's hand was rubbing up and down his back.

10 minutes.

I got back in my wheelchair, ready to leave the sexing the ball dropped.

5 minutes.

I was so close.

4 minutes.

Couldn't time move faster?

3 minutes.

I was ready to leave.

2 minutes.

I wanted to leave.

1 minute.

Please….

3...

2…

1…

"Happy New Year!" Everyone shouted in unison as the ball dropped on the tv. Void had jumped up off the couch, but I was already heading to the door before I could see anyone else's reaction.

"You're leaving so soon?" Void's cool, dry fingers dug into my arm, not letting me move an inch further. "You've been off all evening. What's going on?" Its cochlear was back on and that's how I knew it was serious.

"I just don't feel well," I lied through my teeth as I tried to pull my arm out of its iron grip.

"That's a lie and we both know it." It kneeled to be able to look me in the eyes, its other hand coming to rest on the arm of my chair.

"I'm not feeling the party. I'm sorry."

"Talk to me, Zelda. I can't fix what I don't know about."

"How do you not know?"

"Huh?" Its eyebrows pinched up and it tilted its head, an obvious sign of confusion.

"I have been spiraling for the last year, but you've been too busy with your little girlfriend to notice what's up?"

"My little girlfriend? Juliet? You like Juliet. And I thought you were doing better now."

"How am I supposed to be doing better when my life is in shambles? I can't even walk long distances anymore, I lost my best friend years ago and it has only gotten more distant since then, and I'm constantly the fifth wheel when we hang out. I'm literally useless. You guys pair up and I'm left alone." Tears were falling down my cheeks now. I didn't want to talk about this. I didn't want to tell Void, but it all came bubbling up.

"Zelda, I didn't know you were feeling this way. You seemed like you were doing so much better."

"Well, we don't talk about the important things anymore. You talk Juliet and I keep it locked away."

"Please just stay. I can make it better. I just don't want you to go home right now. What were you planning on doing?"

"I have a bottle of sleeping pills in the cabinet. I was going to take them."

"Fuck, Zelda. You're staying here tonight and first thing in the morning I'm calling your mom. You're lucky she's a heavy sleeper or I'd be calling her now."

"Zelda," Juliet crouched on my other side and gently took my hand. "I can let you have more one-on-one time with Void. I didn't realize it bothered you like that. I don't like hurting you, you know that."

"And hey," Julian plopped himself down in front of me, a small smile hinting at his lips, "if they're off on some sickly sweet date, you can always come to my place and we can play video games or some shit."

"See, we're all here for you. Nobody wants to see you suffer," Void said as it wiped a tear off my cheek. "We're all here."

#tw suicidal thoughts #tw suicide mention #tw drugs #tw alcohol #haunted writes #lgbtq characters #lgbtq+#nonbinary #wlw #sapphic #gay girls #gay boys #endergender

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sippin-on-red-wine · 6 years

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High Tide | Chapter 8: London

Title: High Tide, Chapter 8 | London Author: @sippin-on-red-wine Rating: No smut in this chapter, again, sorry! Characters: Ed Sheeran x Kendra (original female character) Word Count: 2,293

Kendra……

He’s not over her.

It was time to go home.

The realization was stark, black and white. And I had been here before. This crossroads. Leaving my old life behind, blessed with the means to be able to do so. It had been the best decision I could have made for myself, though I still carried some guilt around it.

It was an anxious, eerie kind of calm. My entire body was buzzing, but I somehow felt in control, cool and collected. I flitted about the penthouse gathering up my few personal belongings and stacked them neatly inside one of the paper bags that the concierge had brought me. I sat down at the dining table with my cell phone and began looking for flights home.

Should I talk to Ed? Say goodbye? I don’t think I could see him in person, but I could call. Or text. Yeah, maybe text. The hell am I going to say? Maybe I should just wait. Call him when I get home.

I went to the British Airlines website, since that was the line I came in on. I quickly navigated their little digital schedule, finding a flight to NYC that was leaving in about four hours. Okay, no problem, I can get a connecting flight from there. Or drive. How far is it? Six hours or so?

I added the flight to NYC and began the checkout process, the website asking for my personal information. I furiously tapped out my name, birth date, and address when it hit me:

I don’t have my passport.

It’s at Ed’s.

I paced around the suite, hand clutching at my forehead in the most cliche way possible. What do I do?

Options: Go get it yourself Call Lauren and ask her to bring it. Ha, like Ed would let her do that alone. Call and talk things over with Ed Why do all of these options include talking to or seeing Ed?

US Embassy it is.

All jokes aside, a funny thought began to creep into my head. My gut instinct was to run; but now, I couldn't. Not without facing him first. I'd just about hopped directly on a plane back home, but that was all out the window now.

What a cruel trick of fate.

I just wasn’t ready to speak to him. But that didn't mean I should never speak to him again. The thought of never seeing him throw his head back in laughter, or feeling his fingers lace up between mine… it was crushing.

I must have paced for a solid 30 minutes, debating back and forth with myself, before I came to a conclusion.

I’m going to stay. For now. I need some time.

Ed……

I woke on the living room sofa, morning light filtering in through the large panes of glass that lined the walls. I wiped the sleep from my eyes and reached forward to grab my glasses off of the coffee table. Everything came into focus; Lauren was sleeping on the adjacent couch. I guess she didn't want me to be alone.

I didn't want to wake her, it was because of me that she hadn't gone to sleep til nearly 4 in the morning. I slipped off the sofa and padded quietly upstairs to my bedroom, wanting to brush my teeth and have a scalding hot shower. The water won't wash the shame away, you prat.

My heart sunk impossibly lower as I came 'round the corner and saw Kendra's suitcase and bags leaning up against the wall. Not more than 24 hours ago, I had happily carried all of her things up here, at her request. “I cannot sleep on a couch again tonight, Ed, you're being silly.”

I'm sure she had to have felt a bit weird about staying here, the home I had shared with another woman. But she trusted me.

My fingers twitched, and I suddenly was craving a drink. Your coping mechanism.

No. You can’t do that again. What would she think?

I reached in my pocket, pulling out my phone. I checked, foolishly, to see if Kendra had tried to call or text me. Wishful thinking.

I didn’t want to fall into another spiral, or pity party. Booze had always been a coping method for me, but I just didn’t want to go there, not again. And so I opted for the next best thing -- work.

I tapped out Stu’s number and hit Call.

Kendra……

As it turns out, if you’re confused and upset and a bit melancholy, London is the place for you. It’s supportive, playing up that ‘melancholy’ bit with its eternal gray skies and foggy rain. But it’s wonderfully distracting, too. So much art and history and architecture and FOOD.

My tactic was simple: shoot for the least amount of downtime possible. And so, I established a routine. I’d wake, dress in a basic, cozy outfit, and head out the door. I stopped in a little corner cafe that was on the next block over, and grab coffee and a pastry to go. I jam-packed my days, moving from one thing to the next. I shopped, and rode a triple-decker tour bus, and spent hours wandering through museums. I walked through neighborhoods, explored markets, snapped photos of parks and buildings and cars and pedestrians. I’d tuck in to a pub for a comfort food meal, and then head back to my suite.

After the first couple of days, Ed had stopped calling and texting incessantly. He called once, each day, now. He always left a voice message… but I couldn’t bring myself to listen to any of them.

I knew that he was sorry, damn it, I just wish he hadn’t done anything to be sorry about. I was angry; angry with myself for letting my guard down in the first place… angry with Ed for putting a big asterisk on our time together. Would I ever be able to see him the same way again?

I had a lot of questions, and no answers. In a true-to-Kendra way, I was living in full-on denial land. Running from this place to the next, telling myself I was “exploring the city”, when in reality, I was just trying to tire my brain out enough to shut Ed out of it. I would have to see or speak with him eventually, it’s not like I could go home without my passport. He probably didn’t even realize he had it.

I was scared shitless; that was really what it boiled down to. I hadn’t even known him that long, but there was something about our connection that was just… not of this world. Was it one-sided, all along? Is he still in love with her? Was I just a coping mechanism for him, much like the drink he had favored until the night you found him all strung out after a bender?

Okay, okay - get it together, Kendra. These are not good thoughts to be having while you’re sitting in a pub, eating lunch amongst business men and ladies alike. Where to, next?

I had been itching to have a go at the London Eye, and so I paid my lunch bill and spilled forth onto the busy London sidewalk to hail a cab.

I directed the driver and settled in. The radio caught my ear right away -

*Intro Music*

“We’ve got Ed Sheeran in the studio with us today to talk about his upcoming American tour. Ed, welcome -- great to have you as always, even on short notice!”

“Thanks, pleasure to be here.”

Hearing his voice made my pulse quicken. He’s supposed to be off work til tour -- why is he doing promo all of a sudden?

I clued back in -

“..seems like you’re putting out one hit wedding song after another after another. People call you the King of Romance, d’you know that?”

He chuckled, a nervous kind of laugh. “I’ve heard that being said, yeah.”

“I mean we’ve even got this photo of you, barefoot, holding your lady’s broken shoes leaving a party earlier this year. You gotta cut that out, man, you’re making the rest of us look bad! Nobody compares to the perfect boyfriend Ed Sheeran!”

“Mate, if only it were that easy. I’m just a person, I make mistakes too. I write love songs - yeah, but I’ve also hurt people. People I really care about.”

“Miss?” The cab driver’s voice filled the car, snapping me back to reality. He was pulled over to the curb - we were at the entrance for the Eye. I paid for my ride and climbed out of the cab, Ed’s voice still floating out through the speakers.

I was winded; I hadn’t expected to hear his voice. I plopped down on a little bench seat and pulled out my phone.

*I want to see you, Ed, I really do. I just… I need to know if you’re still in love with her. And I need you to be sure. Please take some time to work it out. Friday, 8 o’ clock. I’m at the Corinthia. I’ll leave your name at the desk.

Friday night had come and I was in shambles. My entire body felt like a blinking neon sign, on-off-on-off, as my veins contracted and expanded with every beat of my petrified heart. Would he come? Had he realized he wasn't really missing anything? Is he still in love with her?

Ping! went the elevator and I thought maybe my stomach had just dropped out of my body. The door opened. And there he was, face hidden behind a thick layer of copper beard, his eyes a dark ocean blue.

He stepped out of the lift, and I opened my mouth to say something. But he didn’t miss a beat.

“It's you, Kenn. It's only you. God, I've never been so sure about anything in my life, I'll spend every damn day proving myself to you.” His voice was strong, his animated hands coming to life. “Just say the word, say it and I'm yours. Actually? Nah, you don't have to. I'm already yours. Whether or not you want me.”

It was exactly what I needed to hear. The doubt melted away as I saw the man before me, steady in his words, white-knuckled as he tried to express how true they were.

“Oh, Ed, of course I want you, I’ve missed you s--”

He takes two steps toward me, his arms a bright slur of colors, my body willing itself toward his. His hands came up to cup my jaw, the pad of his middle finger resting beyond my ear. His lips settle firmly on mine and this kiss is somehow both soft & firm, frenzied yet unhurried, passionate and just purely, simply, sweet.

He breaks away - swallowing down a huge gulp of oxygen. “Kenny, I’m--”

“-- I know, Ed. I know.” and I know my words won’t soothe his worries as well as my lips will and so I take him back into my arms, pressing my lips to his as we both hold onto each other, keeping one another afloat.

I walk him backwards, into the master bedroom, until we reach the bed. He's showering me with kisses, every inch of my skin is a target for his plumped lips. His hands guide me gently until I’m lying in the center of the bed, his mouth on my skin every second of the way. He kicks off his shoes and climbs in.

He’s holding himself over me, caging me in. I reach for the hem of his t-shirt, dragging my fingertips up his back as I move to free his upper body, craving the warmth of his bare skin.

He pauses his oral assault of my neck, just long enough for me to pull the shirt up over his head. My fingers catch on something - what's this? Gauze, a patch of medical gauze taped over his left shoulder blade.

“Teddy -” I questioned. “What is this?”

My question elicits a sigh, he's hesitant to answer. Was he hurt?

He pushes his body weight up, swinging his leg over me, sitting on the edge of the bed. With another sigh, he pulled his tee shirt completely off. The London moonlight filtering in through the glass pane of the window helps confirms my suspicion - it is a patch of gauze, a small vertical rectangle.

He turns a cheek toward me. “Would you like t’see?” He asks, taking a deep breath in, followed by a slow exhale.

I crawl toward him, sitting in an upright position behind where he's perched on the edge of the bed. I tucked my hair behind my ears before carefully peeling away the medical tape

I pull away the gauze, Ed is silent. I drink in the sight before me: vibrant ink, fresh, the surrounding skin still speckled pink from the irritation. It’s a playing card, the Queen of Hearts. All black and red, elaborate design.

“It’s beautiful… what does it mean?” For once, my mouth is one step ahead of my brain. I quickly cover the tattoo up again, patting the tape back in place. My pulse quickens.

He turns toward me. His hand reaches out to my face - out of habit, I think. Muscle memory, even. But his fingers re-route once he realizes my hair is already neatly tucked behind my ear.

“It's for you, Kendra.” His eyelids fluttering as he stares right into my dark eyes. “From that night, at the concert. That night… I knew I loved you.”

“Oh, Ed --” I started, reaching for him.

“You don’t have to say it back, Kenn, that’s not… not why I showed you.”

“I want to. I love you, Teddy. I knew it that night, too.”

Thanks for reading! This is the last you’ll hear from Ed & Kendra, at least for a while.

#ed sheeran #ed sheeran fanfic #ed sheeran fanfiction #ed sheeran smut #celebrity fanfiction

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greatpretending · 7 years

Note

Can you do a Tom Holland x reader soulmate au? Can the readers BFF also be soulmates with Harrison which is what causes the reader to meet Tom?

Alright nonnie, I’m not sure that this is what you were looking for, but you sparked some inspiration in me and I ran with it. I didn’t have the energy for a full-blown fic tonight, but here’s 2000 unedited words of my fingers vomiting on my keyboard. I hope you enjoy!

Elena is your best friend and the best part of your life.

She’s sweet, funny, sassy, and doesn’t take shit from anyone.

The two of you met in kindergarten and became inseparable. Even though you were in different classes for third and fifth grade, you’d managed to keep your friendship strong.

You two went on each other’s family vacations and spent full weeks at each other’s houses during the summer.

The day you watched her punch a kid in the nose for calling a boy a slur was the day you fell in love with her.

Elena was absolutely perfect, except for one thing: she was obsessed with finding her soulmate.

You didn’t give a shit about your soulmate. You knew there would never be a person you loved more than Elena.

People found their soulmates by making skin contact for the first time. No one was ever able to explain it, everyone who found their soulmate said “you just know” whenever someone asked.

So you took to wearing hoodies and jeans- covering as much skin as possible, because despite having held hands with and hugged Elena multiple times, there was no “magic spark” or “sudden feeling of rightness”

If Elena wasn’t your soulmate, you didn’t want one at all.

Elena, however, felt differently. About as differently as possible. She went to those stupid “Soulmate Speed Search” gatherings where you paid twenty bucks to be stuffed in a room with a hundred other people and shake all their hands. It was disgusting.

After you graduate high school, you both go to college in-state. The separation is hard, but you’re close enough that you get to see each other at least once a month.

Right before your senior year of college, the two of you decide to take the summer to go on a roadtrip.

She tells her parents that it’s just that- travelling- but you know she’s hoping to find her soulmate out there, she was so disappointed that she hadn’t found hers in college, like so many people did.

So the two of you learn how to check oil and change a flat tire, pack up the car, and head out. One of you signs up for a Planet Fitness Black Card membership so you two always have a place to shower, even if you’re sleeping in the car.

You go all over the place, but it isn’t until early July, when you’re in NYC when it finally happens.

You’d let Elena drag you to a club because while it wasn’t really your scene, she loved to dance, and you loved to make her happy.

But you started to get worried when she went up to the bar to get you a couple more drinks and she didn’t come back for half an hour.

When you went searching, you found her by the line to the bathroom, pushing some dude up against the wall and shoving her tongue down his throat. Everyone was uncomfortable.

You pulled her off of him, and she turned to look at you, but didn’t let go.

“Y/n! This is Harrison! He’s my soulmate!”

And your heart breaks.

Elena convinces you to put your road trip on hold. Harrison is in town for the next few weeks for work, but then he’s going back to England.

You offer to just fly home and let them work things out together, but Elena begs you to stay

So you do.

Harrison is staying in an apartment with his best friend Tom, who Harrison works for, and after hearing what happened, Tom invites you and Elena to stay there with them. You appreciate this, because you weren’t looking forward to spending the next couple weeks sleeping in the car. Hotel prices in the city were astronomical.

Luckily, Tom’s apartment has three bedrooms, so you get one two yourself.

Elena stays in Harrison’s room, and you spend a lot of nights sleeping with your headphones in.

Tom and Harrison spend most of their time at work. Sometimes you go with them to the set of the movie Tom is working on, and sometimes you explore the city.

Since Harrison and Elena are attached at the hip now, you and Tom spend a lot of time together.

You’re not a touchy-feely person. You don’t like personal contact unless it’s from Elena or your immediate family. Tom picks up on this and respects it.

Tom is a nice enough guy, he’s silly and fun and he makes you laugh, but you’re still bitter and broken-hearted from watching the person you love find her soulmate, who isn’t you.

One night, you wake up hungry, and Tom finds you at the kitchen island with a bowl of cereal. He pours his own bowl and joins you.

You don’t know if it’s the quiet safety of the late hour or your inability to hold it in any longer, but you find yourself telling him everything. About how much you love Elena and how hard it is to watch her love someone else. You tell him how you think the whole soulmate thing was bullshit, and how people shouldn’t rely on something scientists can’t even figure out to determine who they should spend their life with.

Tom is sweet and sympathetic, even if he doesn’t agree. He shows you where he hides the good snacks.

You find yourself meeting him there at the kitchen island almost every night after that. The two of you sharing a snack and talking for an hour or so before heading back to bed.

You learn about all his brothers and he shows you countless pictures of Tessa. You talk about school and the differences between growing up in the states and growing up in the UK. You laugh over the words you pronounce differently. You say you’d love to visit London one day and he promises to fly you out there.

You become friends.

Meanwhile Elena and Harrison are still figuring out how they’re going to make their new relationship work. Elena still has a year of school left and Harrison can’t just drop everything and move in with her. They agree they’ll have to do their best long-distance until Elena graduates.

You listen to Elena as she vents and worries and cries about this. You don’t understand how she can care so much about someone she’s only known for a month.

Tom and Harrison are set to fly back to England in a week, and you and Elena have to drive home and get ready to go back to school.

Just three days before you all go your separate ways, the four of you go out for dinner to a nearby pizza place. Afterward, Harrison and Elena excuse themselves to go back to the apartment, and you and Tom decide to walk around the city for a bit.

You’re walking down the street, talking and people watching, when you roll your ankle in a broken piece of sidewalk. Before you can go down, Tom catches your arm.

And the whole world stops

A sudden warmth floods from the spot where your skin is connected, it squeezes your heart and fills your eyes.

You know.

But you don’t want to believe it.

You flinch out of his grasp and stumble backward, hand over your arm where he had been holding it moments ago.

You look up at him and he looks just as shocked as you are. Neither of you move for a long time.

Finally, you say. “We should get back to the apartment.”

Tom doesn’t reply, he just nods, and the two of you walk back in silence.

When you get back, you pull Elena out of the bathroom and into your room, and you don’t talk to Tom for the rest of the night.

In the morning is Tom’s final day of shooting for the film. You hate sending him off to work without talking about what happened, but you just don’t have enough time before he heads out.

He’s kept late that night. Harrison comes home around ten and says Tom still won’t be there for another few hours.

You’re waiting up in the kitchen with a bowl of cereal when he finally comes back.

He looks exhausted, but he sits down at the island and pours himself a bowl. Determined to stay awake as long as it takes to work things out between you two.

Surprisingly, it doesn’t actually take that long.

You tell him you really like him. You’d never become so close with someone so fast before. You appreciate his friendship and you certainly don’t want to lose it.

But you’re also not ready for a romantic relationship. You need time to move one from Elena and accept that she’s with someone else. On top of that, she and Harrison might be able to make long distance work, but they’ve had a month to figure it out. You only have two more days.

Tom, being the amazing soul that he is, is completely understanding and supportive. He can handle one more year apart if it means spending the rest of his life with you, his soulmate. But he doesn’t say that out loud, because he knows it would freak you out.

So when you and Elena take him and Harrison to JFK a few days later, you leave him with a long call and a promise to Skype soon.

You and Elena drive home, and college starts back up, people moving around you as if that summer had never happened. How could the world still be turning like it always had when your world had been completely flipped upside down?

You and Tom text almost as often as you and Elena do. You Skype weekly. You dream about him often, though that isn’t uncommon for soulmates.

Tom sends you a cereal bowl that says “midnight snack” on it for Christmas, and you cry because you miss him.

You hoped you would be able to see him during Spring Break, but then you’re offered an opportunity with one of the professors in your field that you just can’t pass up.

But when you’re standing on the stage at graduation, your family, Elena’s family, Elena, Harrison, and Tom are all in the audience.

When you find them afterward, your cap falls off your head as you run into Tom’s arms.

Hugging him feels like coming home.

You all go out to dinner, and you not-so-subtly make sure you sit by Tom. You don’t leave his side for the rest of the night.

Your family and Elena’s family drive home after dinner, while you, Elena, Harrison, and Tom go back to your apartment. It had been a long day for everyone, and Elena and Harrison retire early, with promises to not have sex on your guest bed.

Then it’s just you and Tom. You feel like things should be awkward but even the silence is comfortable.

You talk into the late hours of the night, but eventually his jet lag catches up with him. After one particularly large yawn, you take his face in your hands, and you kiss him.

It’s unlike anything you’ve felt before.

You had kissed people before, but it was nothing compared to kissing Tom. When you kissed Tom if felt like every inch of your skin was on fire.

Tom sleeps in your bed that night (fully clothed, this was not the time for that) and as you drift off to sleep in his arms you think that it’s okay that Elena didn’t turn out to be your soulmate. She would always be your best friend, and your soulmate in a different kind of way. Your bond with her wasn’t any weaker now that you had these ridiculously dorky and ridiculously sweet boys in your life. If anything it brought you closer together, and you didn’t even think that was possible.

No, Elena wasn’t your soulmate. Tom was, and you couldn’t be happier with anyone else.

#Tom Holland #Tom Holland Imagine #Tom Holland x Reader #Soulmate!AU #my fic #sort of #Imagine #Anonymous #Q got a Q

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stephhannes · 4 years

Text

i love you so much: a goodbye to the city i keep coming back to

things looked a lot different a year ago.

a year ago, i was scared. i spent all my time from august 2018 to june 2019 trying to run away from myself- i was straight up feral. i didn’t go into public by myself, i didn’t interact with anyone that i hadn’t already known for at least 5 years, i was a real-life mountain troll. toward the end of my 9 month break, i was finally feeling restless. here’s the thing, abilene is an alright place to be if you don’t have the mental capacity to be a human, but as soon as i started regaining consciousness i knew i needed to get out.

and what do you know? my roommate from college stayed in our same apartment after i left, just got a new roommate- and at the time i was trying to leave abilene, her roommate was moving out. so i literally just moved right back into the room that i was in during undergrad.

it was the logical best next move for me, austin was familiar, i already had a support system, and i wouldn’t have to be living alone, or with a random roommate. i was moving back in with my best friend, thank god.

when i moved back in, i felt like a ghost haunting my own home. i put in so much care to make sure the room looked and felt different, but it was impossible to forget everything that happened there.

i moved into that apartment the first time in 2015, a month after my dad died. i bought furniture for the first time- literally just two bookshelves and a nightstand from ikea. i brought my twin sized mattress from abilene, complete with a broken frame that i never bothered to fix. i slept on a sagging mattress for two years straight and honestly i think i have irreparable neck problems because of it.

i filled my walmart picture collage frame with pictures from high school and freshman year of undergrad. nothing really matched, but it was my first time really living on my own- for the first time, not in a dorm, or sharing a tiny space with four other roommates.

a few months after moving into that apartment was when nathan came back into my life in a more consistent way. we’d reconnected in march of 2015, and after not talking to each other for 9 months after that, we finally started talking regularly in november.

november 2015 through march 2016 was a markedly terrible time in my life. i was finally allowing myself to feel the grief i’d been bottling for months over my father’s death. i remember crying in front of my mirror in the dim glow of my $5 target lamp at 4am every night, hoping my roommate wouldn’t hear me from across the apartment.

february 2016, i remember the night i realized that nathan had a girlfriend that i hadn’t necessarily been told about yet- i remember getting taco bell, drinking a bottle of peach moscato, throwing up on my balcony, and then laying in bed and crying to the new 1975 album that had just come out. that album really hit every emotional achilles i had at the time.

like, ‘somebody else’ hit me right in the “it’s been seven years and i am still playing a game that i can never get first place in” achilles.

every time i start to believe in anything you’re saying i’m reminded that i should be gettin’ over it. i’m looking through you while you’re looking through your phone and leaving with somebody else.

and nana hit me right in the “your dad just died” achilles.

but i’m bereft you see, i think you can tell- i haven’t been doing too well.

my first spring break in my apartment was a wild time. it was march 2016 and i’d invited my best friend to stay with me for the week- we were heavily participating in sxsw. by that, i mean, i was experiencing open bars for the first time in my life and was fully taking advantage. it was nice to have a home to return to at the end of the night though, because the last time i’d tried to participate in sxsw and stay in austin during spring break, i was living in a dorm that some nights straight up wouldn’t let me in, so i had to sleep in my car sometimes.

this was also the time when things with nathan were taking a different turn than i’d expected. after i found out he had a girlfriend, and my friends saw how heartbroken i was, we were all on our “help steph move on” bullshit. but at this point, nathan was was aggressively pursuing me, and we ended up growing a lot closer by the end of spring break.

at the end of march, nathan made a playlist for me, and that was all i listened to for a couple of weeks. when i play it nowadays all i can think of are the nights i’d spent laying in my bed and staring at my ceiling listening to it, wishing things would work out for us.

i remember laying in bed, unable to sleep, and getting a text at 4am on april 8th that said “hopefully you’re asleep, don’t like freak out because i don’t expect anything back. i really am in love with you, and i’m really happy about it. i just needed to tell you that, holding it in was killing me.” and i remember laying in bed for 5 hours after that wrestling with the fact that i was definitely catching feelings again, and knowing that pursuing anything would put me back in that position i’d been in so many times before- us being in love with each other but him having a girlfriend and not making any real attempts to be with me.

and finally, sending the “i love you too,” text and going to sleep at 9am.

and then we start getting into the events that, when i eventually moved back into my apartment in 2019, i was unable to shake, that i was constantly reminded of.

nathan came to see me for the first time in that apartment toward the end of april 2016. he was getting over a cold, so instead of going out, we mostly stayed in- which was fine. it’s so strange to look back and see how quickly things progressed between us, considering the instance in mid-march when i was at his apartment in abilene, and he got sick, and all i wanted to do was comfort him, but i didn’t, because i was like “oh that would be weird, wouldn’t it? that’s too intimate.” and i went home instead. compared to this visit in mid-april where we were sharing my twin-sized bed and i was like “oh i’m in love with this person,” as he was snoring next to me.

and what had once been a home that held all of my heartbreak and anguish became the place where the foundation of our relationship was built.

we got together at a very hectic time in our lives, it was finals for both of us, and also his undergrad graduation. so while we did spend a little bit of time together then, we didn’t really get to spend quality time with each other until june 2016, when he came to stay with me in austin for a couple weeks.

this was the first time he met all of my friends, at the apartment. this was the first time that we cooked dinner together. this was when i taught him about my favorite pastime, the wine bath. this was the first time we talked about getting married. this was when we got into one of our first, and only fights. this was the first time we spent a lot of time together, consistently. something we were both a little nervous about- considering both of our introvert tendencies. but this was the first time that we realized that we loved being around each other constantly.

when nathan moved to new york, i mentally moved out of my apartment. physically, my body was there, but i was constantly daydreaming about where i knew i’d be in a few months. every time nathan and i talked, it was about our plans for the future in nyc. sometimes when i look through old texts, i can remember exactly where i was standing in the apartment when i received them.

january 2017. (stephanie, sitting on bedroom floor, surrounded by papers, studying for a spanish quiz) nathan: can i just marry you now? i’m reading through old letters again and it was so hard not to ask for two weeks. i don’t know how i’m going to be able to wait until what i have planned.

september 2016. (stephanie, laying in bed, listening to the rain fall through her half-cracked window) nathan: i love you and i miss you and i can’t wait until we’re asleep together again. even when i’m stressed out from moving and completely on my own you make it all better. stephanie, i am so very lucky to be yours and i can’t wait to propose to you and have a wedding and do all those things i never wanted to do because i love doing stuff like that with you. at the end of the day, knowing that i’m coming home to you and getting to go to bed together at the end of a bad day is the best thing in the world because you’re all i need.

october 2016. (stephanie, after spending the hours between 1am and 8am having a nervous breakdown while nathan was asleep, finally passes out) 9am. nathan: i know you had a bad night, so here’s a bodega cat to cheer you up

may 2017. (stephanie, sitting in front of full-length mirror, begrudgingly putting on makeup to get ready for a class trip to the roller derby) nathan: can i see? i miss your face. you’re pretty enough that i would go to roller derby with you

jan 2017. (stephanie, very drunk on balcony with sarah) nathan: i’m so lucky you fell in love with me again baby, i was talking to anu about you tonight and it makes me happier than anything to think about spending every day with you. i love you so much and can’t wait until you’re here.

march 2017. 5am. (stephanie, very asleep) nathan: baby, i miss you so much. i just don’t feel okay being apart from you because it feels like i’m never whole. it was a big mistake to watch les mis tonight because every song just reminds me of driving away from austin and it makes me so sad that we’re so perfect for each other but keep getting separated for so long. i love you so much and i never want to be apart again.

i was so excited to get out, to leave that apartment, to move on with my life, and leave austin. i never thought i would think about that room again. but of course, after nathan died, i thought about it again.

when i was living in abilene after nathan died, i’d come to austin to visit sarah and i’d sleep on the couch in the apartment that i used to live in. i was a visitor in the home i used to love, taking an ambien force myself asleep on the same couch that i used to accidentally fall asleep on, only for nathan to wake me up a respectable amount of time later because i cannot be trusted to responsibly nap.

when i moved back in officially, one year ago, it felt empty. i filled the room with new furniture, but i could never sleep, because i was plagued with the memory of everything that room used to hold. a space that nathan used to occupy, but now only exists in in the pile of his shirts i kept in the closet. instead of waking up and seeing his face next to mine, i had my walmart picture collage frame that i had updated with pictures from undergrad and nyc.

here’s the thing- it was tough, emotionally, to be living there again. but looking back now, it’s definitely been tougher to pack everything up and distance myself from yet another thing that kept me tied to nathan. at this point, i have very few things left that were ours, and every time i lose another tie, it takes a toll on me.

everyone that used to know us seems concerned- but if they knew that when you went through my mind i’m full of your love that illuminated our house for all those years.

+++

so, one year ago i was finally out on my own again. i was employed for the first time since nathan died, and i was so nervous to have to interact with new people for the first time. i’ve never been a social butterfly, but after becoming a recluse, i knew i was even more inept. i didn’t realize how much i’d changed after nathan died until i was forced to learn how to be a human again.

my worst qualities were right back at the forefront. my reluctance to be a decision-maker, my anxiety, my quietness. these were all traits that i had distanced myself from in nyc- in nyc i was bold, annoying, independent, sometimes even the life of the party. in austin, i was timid, unfocused, and unsure of myself.

however, i think the biggest culture shock was realizing what it feels like to not absolutely loathe your job. at my core, i enjoy being a house manager- but oh my god the DRT sucked the soul straight out of my body in a way i didn’t even recognize until i was gone. it was a strange adjustment to be somewhere where i didn’t feel like i had to be on defense at all times.

it was wild to be in a workplace where all i had to do was come to work and go home and not hate my life. when i was in nyc, i would spend an hour just being miserable while getting ready for work, and then suffer through a 40 minute subway commute to land in union square and surround myself with people that didn’t give a shit about me, work in unsafe conditions, and get harassed by patrons- only to come home unable to shake whatever bullshit i dealt with at work. nathan and i had a block of time in our schedule that was dedicated to me passionately complaining about my day while he played video games and vaguely ignored me, because i wasn’t looking for any logical solutions, i just wanted to vent for awhile.

so yeah, i showed up to work in austin a little broken and weird- but no one ever made me feel that way. everyone just adapted to the weird energy i brought to the table and accepted it. which is exactly what i needed.

i can’t pinpoint specifically when it happened, but at one point, everything clicked and i was finally becoming a functional human again. i stopped having days where i felt foggy at work, i stopped stumbling over my words so much, i got comfortable with decision-making. i’d like to go on record to say that i only cried at work two times- once when the bar played a song that was played at nathan’s funeral and once when a patron smelled like the shampoo nathan used in high school. which for me, is pretty impressive.

i was just re-reading the blog i wrote when i first moved back to austin, and it’s hilarious how deeply committed to “faking it until you make it” i was. i wrote about how i was “finally becoming myself again,” and in retrospect, i definitely wasn’t going back to myself. when i first started back to work, i was on a high- finally socializing again, actually using my brain and body to problem-solve and contribute to society. but as soon as i came off of that high, i was left feeling guilty for moving forward with my life, and feeling unsure of who i was and what i was capable of.

i think the most important lesson i’ve learned this year is that it’s okay to just feel the way i’m feeling. i don’t always have to glean some deeper meaning from every emotion, i don’t have to question myself and wonder if i’m wrong, or if i’m progressing normally. i spent so much time hypothesizing how to get out of uncomfortable situations that i never even ended up experiencing. my biggest issue is the way i overthink everything, and lately i’ve been trying to not do that as much.

i’ve pretty consistently felt lonely since nathan died. i still feel that emptiness, no matter where i am, or what i’m doing. i still haven’t found the right thing, or combination of things to fill that void. sometimes i feel a little closer than others, but it’s always there.

after nathan died, if i needed something to immediately make me cry, i’d listen to the song we planned to use for our first dance. and then i decided that wasn’t healthy, so i didn’t listen to it for like 6 months. the other night, i was drunk and it came up on shuffle, and did i maybe slow dance with myself and cry for the whole three minutes and fifty seconds? yeah, maybe.

remember when i lived in tennessee, and you came to visit- slept next to me. we shared a wooden bed not meant for two, and i told you i loved you- and i still do. but i’m tired of talking, let’s go to bed- cause i just need to get out of my head. i’ve been trying to keep our burdens light- i just wasn’t made for these times. i’ll stay as long as you will have me, and i’ll follow if you want to lead. and i’ll share the load that gets so heavy- wherever you take me, home i will be. i think that maybe i lost myself on a year of trying to be someone else. now i’m scared, and sad, and feeling stuck- but i ain’t ever gonna give you up. wherever you take me, home i will be.

+++

the other day, i made a joke about how i was going to write a linkedin article called “what tortellini taught me about professional development”

because for the first time in my life, i was able to delegate tasks to minimize my own workload.

i’ve made it pretty clear that i suffer from an inability to accept help from anyone, no matter what the situation is. but, while cooking dinner for jose and dan, i actually allowed jose to be in the kitchen with me, and help me cook dinner.

i’m gonna be honest, i don’t like giving up the control, but i guess it was nice to not have to do everything by myself for once.

i never thought of myself as a control freak, and maybe i was less of one in the past, but after nathan’s death, the thought of not being in charge of every situation is incredibly stressful to me, so it’s a miracle that my anxiety allowed me to at least try to accept help.

+++

now that theatre is cancelled for the foreseeable future, i’ve been trying to figure out what i’m going to do with my life and my very niche set of skills. i never thought i’d be someone that missed their job, but my job was my only stepping stone to the outside world and i’ve definitely been verging on becoming feral again.

with no structure, i can’t manage a sleep schedule. last month, i looked at myself in the mirror and was straight up disgusted- i hadn’t been outside in so long that i was looking sickly.

after that, i’ve been trying to make a genuine effort to like…go outside once a day and wake up before 9pm which has been working out alright, but who knows how long i can manage that.

i’m back in abilene for the moment, while i figure out what my next move is going to be. it might be saving up for a couple of months and moving back to austin but i’m gonna be honest with y’all, every time i have a singular alcohol in my system all i can think about is moving back to NYC so…..who knows…anything is possible considering nothing is real anymore.

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camdallasfanfics · 7 years

Text

What now? - Chapter 19

Cameron Dallas fanfic - Sequel to I’m not that kind of girl

Word count: 1′983

Previous Chapter

1st of July

I sat in my apartment in New York. She’s gonna hate me. She’s so gonna hate me. I was supposed to be in LA right now. Being next to the bride to be and try and calm her. But I wasn’t. I just wasn’t. I should have been on my flight last night. But I got scared. I couldn’t do it. She already texted and called but I didn’t answer.

Ethan tried to reach out to me. But I ignored him as well. Basically everyone tried to get a hold of me. For fuck’s sake I was the maid of honor. I had to be there. I was supposed to be calling bridesmaid that didn’t show up on time and kick ass. I was supposed to be there for my best friend when she got cold feet.

I was wrapped in my blanket on my bed. One lonely tear rolling down my cheek as my phone started to ring again.I expected it to be Josh or Will. Or anyone else from our friend group but It wasn’t just anyone else form our friend group. It was him. We hadn’t talked in months.

Flashback

„I’m sorry to inform you, that you are not pregnant.“ The doctor said in a monotone way. I nodded and Cameron’s grip tightened around my hand. „It happens that the pregnancy test is positive though you are not pregnant. It is rare though. Maybe you are just late on your period and your hormones aren’t balanced at the moment which could be an explanation for the positive test.“ He explains matter of factly.

I didn’t know how to feel. I simply nodded and after the talk we bid our goodbyes and went back to Cameron’s apartment. We didn’t say a word. Neither of us. Not even as much as a glance was shared. Just a comforting touch of his hand. His grip tight reassuring me. Reassuring us.

Flashback over

I picked up the phone and stared at the screen for a few seconds before accepting the call. „Y/N?“ His voice soft. „Where are you Y/N?“ He used my name. He didn’t call me marshmallow. „Are you there?“ I nodded as I tried to hold in my tears. I hummed a simple „mhm“ because I didn’t trust myself to say anything else.

„Listen. Sam needs you here, okay?“ I sighed. „And you know it. For a matter of fact I know that you’re beating yourself up this very moment because you are not here for her.“ He spoke fast his voice remains soft and low. „She hates me.“ I couldn’t speak more than a bare whisper. „She doesn’t.“ He sighed. He was frustrated and stressed. I could sense it.

„You hate me.“ I mumbled. I squeezed my eyes shut as if it would help me prepare for his answer. „I don’t. You know that. Just hop on the first plane and get your ass to Sam. She’s losing it without you.“ He paused. „And I am too.“ His voice even lower when he said that. I sighed. „I’m going to be there. But only for Sam.“ I finally said.

Flashback

„Text me when you get home.“ He said while he hugged me. My face nuzzled in the crook of his neck. I inhaled his sent. „I love you.“ I whispered as low as possible and left a small kiss on his neck. He pulled me in tighter one last time. „I love you too.“ He kissed the top of my head.

We let go of one another and I didn’t look back. He was going to go to Europe. I was going to be in NYC. I wouldn’t see him in a long time. As I sat at the gate waiting for boarding I received a text.

Cam: love you. and miss you.

A faint smile tugged at my lips.

Y/N: love you too. miss you more.

Flashback over

I slowly opened the door to Sam’s apartment. I took a big breath. „Sam?“ I called out. No answer. „Hun? I’m hooome.“ I closed the door behind me. It was dark. Well it was night time, of course it was dark. I put my small carry on bag on the couch. „I know you’re mad at me but you have to hear me out first. You know that right?“ I sighed as I walked towards her bedroom.

I slowly opened the door revealing the dark room. „Sam?“ I hesitated before turning the lights on. „Y/N?“ I heard his hoarse voice. He turned the lamp on his nightstand on. „What are you doing here?“ He rubbed his eyes slowly getting up. „Ethan, why didn’t you lock the front door?“ I sighed leaning against the door frame.

„Because Cameron is still out and staying here tonight?“ When I didn’t say anything he continued. „So, I guess Cameron convinced you to come?“ He just sat there and yawned. I nodded slightly. „So where is my best friend? Or does she call me a useless stupid fake friend now?“ I sighed yet again. Yeah just sigh a little more that’ll make everything better. „She’s at the hotel where the wedding’s taking place.“ I nodded.

„Alright sorry than. I’ll go over there.“ I was about to leave the room when he stopped me. „How’re you gonna get there?“ I shrugged. „I’ll get an uber. No worries. Sleep tight.“ With that I left his bedroom and closed the door. I slowly grabbed my stuff and was about to open the front door when Cameron opened it from the other side. His eyes widened when he saw me.

„You’re here.“ He states. Thanks, captain obvious, I know already. I simply nodded. „Where are you going?“ He all of a sudden frowned. „To the hotel. Didn’t know she was gonna spend the night there. And not the other way around.“ I avoided his gaze and just wanted to get out of there. „I’ll drive you. Come on.“ A ghost of a smile appeared on his lips.

Flashback

one month before the wedding

„Y/N you have to tell him. Considering you wanna spend the rest of your lives together.“ I sighed. „That is one of many possibilities and you know that. He could dump me any day now.“ Sam didn’t answer. „Okay. I’m gonna tell him as soon as he tells me he landed in LA.“

„Yeah keep telling yourself that hun.“ I rolled my eyes at her. „I’m hanging up now. You’re the worst best friend right now. I don’t blame you but I’m sure telling you.“ She chuckled. „Boohoo bitch.“ With that she hung up. Wow, the wedding is really getting to her, my god.

Not long after Cameron texted me informing me he landed safely in LA. I immediately called him so I wouldn’t procrastinate any longer. „Y/N.“ He said with some sort of relief. „Cameron.“ I mocked him a little. „How are you?“ He started some small talk. For sure there are fans around. „Can you talk right now?“ I knew he knew what I meant. He wasn’t oblivious.

„Give me a sec.“ I waited patiently for a good minute until he spoke again. „Alright marshmallow what’s up?“ He called me marshmallow. „I was at my lady’s doctor.“ I started as I sat down on my couch. „Weren’t you there like when I just started tour?“ He sounded confused. I could imagine his face scrunching up and his cute look. „Yeah, that was that appointment. Just before you left for tour I had these horrible cramps, right?“ I really didn’t know how to do this.

„Yeah I wanted to skip the first few dates to be with you.“ Nice that he remembered that conversation. „Well I didn’t really know how to tell you the news a month ago and I still don’t but I can’t just not tell you.“ I started to tear up. Damn hormones. „Please don’t tell me that you’re pregnant.“ He sighed. His voice was barely audible. „What is that supposed to mean?“ I suddenly got angry.

„Listen. I don’t want to ar-“ „Oh buddy it’s too late for that. What would you do if I was pregnant? What happened to ‘we are in this together’ , huh?“ I let out a huff in disbelieve. He’s got to be kidding me. „Y/N. What I meant was that I personally think that we are too young to have kids. We are not responsible enough to raise a child. And no one knows I’m in a relationship either. The first thing they’ll know about us would be that we are getting a baby. I wouldn’t be able to handle that.“

He sighed. „Don’t worry Cameron. I’m not able to have kids anyway.“ Great way to break the news Y/N. Well done. „What?“ It sounded like he was about to choke on air for a second. „Yeah, you don’t have to worry about breaking any news to any fans ever.“ I brushed away a small tear. „Why didn’t you tell me right away?“ He sounded angry. He was mad at me? Are you fucking serious right now?

„Because you were in Europe. Would’ve told you earlier if I had known.“ He scoffed. „Don’t do this Y/N. Don’t push me away like that.“ I shook my head. „Go worry about your little fans Cameron.“ Before I hung up I heard him muffle an „I love you.“ and with that the conversation ended.

Flashback over

I hadn’t talked to him since. I was being an asshole. I ignored him whenever he tried to reach out. But he shouldn’t have said what he said the way he did either. So we sat in silence as he drove me to Sam. I absentmindedly looked out the window as we cruised through the mostly empty streets of LA.

„You know, I wanted to apologize, right?“ He began. When I didn’t say anything he continued. „I was just stressed out because of Magcon and than we hadn’t really been talking.“ He sighed. „Why didn’t you tell me right away?“ He sounded defeated. Right about done with this bullshit.

„You were in Europe.“ I mumbled quietly and shrugged. „That’s not a valid reason.“ My gaze was still fixed to the buildings that were rushing past. „I was scared,okay?“ I sighed. „I didn’t know how you would react. I know that you want kids and I can’t give that to you. Why in gods name would you still want to be with me?“ I started to tear up still not looking at him.

Instead of saying anything he simply grabbed my hand that rested on my lap, soothingly stroking over it with his thumb. „I felt like I disappointed you.“ I closed my eyes waiting for his response. „It’s fine we’ll find a way. But it’s nothing we have to worry about now.“ His voice was soothing as always.

After that we didn’t talk much, he left me in front of the hotel leaving a kiss on my cheek. I was dreading Sam’s reaction. But when I knocked on the door to her hotel room she welcomed me with open arms. „I knew you’d come. I knew it.“ She mumbled into my shoulder as she pulled me closer.

„I’m so sorry I’m late. Did I miss your freak out yet?“ I tried to lighten the mood. She chuckled. „You missed about three of them. One of them concerning the fact that you weren’t here yet. I thought you’ve been murdered, up until Cameron told me you were on your way.“ She sighed looking at me with this knowing look.

„So… Are you ready for tomorrow?“ A grin slowly formed on my face. She frantically nodded and that was the point where we started squealing and laughing. My best friend was getting married and life was kind of okay at the moment.

Next Chapter

A/N: Sorry for the long wait. University is more stressful than anticipated. Story is coming to an end though. Last chapter coming soon! Hope you like it. Always appreciate feedback!! Love you guys.

#what now #chapter 19 #camdallasfanfics #cameron #dallas #cameron dallas #cameron dallas fanfic #cameron dallas fanfiction #cameron dallas fan fiction #fanfiction #fan #fan fiction #fanfic #writing #story

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bibliosexxual · 7 years

Text

little spoon

To save money while attending college in NYC, Stiles and Derek decide to rent one tiny apartment together. With one bed.

*whispers* I have no idea if any of this is realistic. Don’t judge me.

You guys know by now that practically everything I write is so so fluffy, but this is just like, a whole other level. A little over 4k words of enemies-to-lovers, bed-sharing, & cuddling. ;)

on ao3

The thing is, Stiles is pretty sure he can't afford to breathe the air in New York City, let alone rent an apartment there. But it's also been his lifelong dream to go to NYU, same as his mom, and he’s just gotten his acceptance letter in the mail along with a hefty scholarship offer. So he has a bit of a conundrum on his hands.

Enter Derek, who has a (relatively) dirt cheap apartment in Queens.

Okay, so Derek calls it an "apartment." Stiles calls it an "attic closet."

It's nothing but a narrow bed, a foot or so of walking space between that and the wall, and a lone shelf by the door to hold the microwave and all of Derek's possessions that can't fit under the bed. There's not even enough room to open the door all the way; the edge of the door hits the edge of the bed, and then you have to shimmy into the room.

The sad thing is that Stiles can't even afford that.

He can, however, afford half of it.

"So you're going to share a bed," Scott says, looking concerned.

"Yes," Stiles says.

"No," Derek says at the same time.

Scott looks more concerned.

Stiles sighs. "Okay, so it's like this. Derek's going to be doing the whole normal person schedule, up at the buttcrack of dawn" (Derek rolls his eyes) "and out working and studying and stuff all day and back in bed asleep by 11 pm, and I'm going to be taking all evening classes and working the night shift!"

"We won't actually ever be in the same place at the same time," Derek clarifies. “He gets it during the day; I get it at night.”

"Because we can't stand each other," Stiles adds, in case Scott is thinking of getting his hopes up that this whole roommates thing is going to be some kind of bromance.

(Scott has always doggedly hoped that someday his best friend and his brother would stop hating each other, or at least stop finding each other intolerable and annoying. If it were anyone but Scott, Stiles would laugh in their face. As it is, he tones it down to a skeptical eyebrow raise.)

“It just makes sense, economically,” Stiles goes on. “Derek’s not even using his room half the time, so now, instead of letting it sit there empty and go to waste, he can make money from it by letting me have it. It’s logic, pure and simple. We’re gonna save so much money.”

“Uh-huh,” Scott says.

Whatever. Their plan is foolproof. Stiles made charts and schedules and everything. At most, there'll be a few minutes of overlap in their schedules. Easy. Nothing could go wrong.

Week One goes swimmingly.

Granted, there are a few hiccups, like the fact that Stiles never realized from the photos Derek sent that the ceiling was so low he physically wouldn’t be able to stand up straight in the room, but the whole occupying-the-room-at-different-times thing? That goes off without a hitch.

Every morning, Stiles gets home from work and kicks Derek out of bed. Derek makes protesting noises while Stiles pokes him (or, rather, pokes the lump of his body under the covers) with his bare foot. Eventually Derek crawls out, wearing nothing but black boxer briefs because it’s kind of hot in here and they don’t have AC. Then he squeezes past Stiles to stomp down the hall to their tiny bathroom, and Stiles determinedly looks elsewhere because getting a boner over a glimpse of Derek’s flexing thigh muscles is something he would never live down.

Stiles sets about tossing Derek’s pillow on the floor and replacing it with his own, because he’s very particular about pillows, and then he wiggles around a lot and sighs and reads ebooks on his phone until Derek leaves. Sometimes he buries his nose in the sheets for a while, too. They still smell like Derek, and Derek smells good, like pine trees and manliness. (What? He can think Derek smells good and still hate him. He has depths.)

After reading a while, he’ll have calmed his brain down enough to fall asleep.

His alarm goes off at 4 pm, which gives him plenty of time to get ready for the day, grab a coffee, and get to his first class without ever seeing Derek, who won’t get back to their room until 5 pm at the earliest.

It’s the perfect living arrangement, and Stiles is a genius for thinking of it.

Week Two starts with Stiles' boss asking him to switch to the morning shift, and Stiles begging him to please not do this to him, and his boss utterly failing to yield to said begging.

“Beg some more,” Derek says, completely unsympathetic, when Stiles tentatively reports this news to him the next morning.

“You can’t tell me what to do,” Stiles says. It’s too late to go back now anyway. Stiles has decided the best way to switch his body clock back to normal is to not sleep at all today so that he’ll fall asleep instantly tonight. To that end, he’s just finished drinking a mug of coffee the size of his head. Now he’s so saturated with caffeine that he’s pretty sure he’s vibrating. His normal day-sleeping is definitely not happening right now.

“You’re going to have to live somewhere else, then,” Derek says.

Stiles makes a show of checking his empty pockets. “Oh sure, let me just go get all my huge piles of cash that I keep lying around and I’ll get right on that. And in the meantime, I just won’t sleep at all—”

Derek makes a face and tugs the covers up to his chin. “Fine, I won’t kick you out. But you’re not sleeping with me tonight.”

“Look, it’s not like I wanted this to happen, but… I pay half the rent, so I get half the bed. Them’s the rules.”

Derek makes another face.

Stiles pulls out the big guns. “If you don’t let me in that bed tonight, I’m calling Scott, and he’s going to give you the sad puppy eyes over skype, and you’re going to feel like a terrible human being and then you’re going to give me half the bed like you owe me.”

“Fine,” Derek growls. He throws his pillow at Stiles’ face. “But don’t touch me. You stay on your half of the bed.”

Stiles rolls his eyes. “With pleasure.”

It starts out as disastrously as one might expect.

Derek throws off heat like a furnace, but he complains when Stiles hogs the covers. Then he complains when Stiles gets too hot and kicks off the covers so they pile up on Derek. Stiles can’t win.

Also, it takes Stiles a while to find the perfect sleeping position, and Derek complains every single time Stiles moves because it always means he accidentally brushes Derek’s arm or leg or torso. It’s not like Stiles is trying to touch him—because even if he does think Derek is objectively pretty okay-looking, he’s still Derek—but it’s physically impossible to get any farther away from Derek without falling off the bed. Stiles is already balanced on the very edge, and Derek has already wedged himself up against the wall, and there’s still no space between them.

It takes them both ages to fall asleep like that, and in the morning Stiles wakes up to find that in his sleep he’s rolled over onto the floor, twisted up into a cocoon in all the blankets. He has a sneaking suspicion from the bruise throbbing on his lower back that someone kicked him off the bed in his sleep. Derek, meanwhile, is starfished out on his stomach, comfortably taking up the entire mattress.

The second night goes slightly better, but only because they’re both so exhausted from last night that they both fall asleep practically instantly. The good news is that Stiles doesn’t fall off (or get kicked off) the bed again. The bad news is that he wakes up to pins and needles in his left arm because Derek is crushing it between his chest and the mattress in his sleep. It takes all Stiles’ strength to wiggle free, and then he does fall on the floor.

The third night, Stiles has one of those fueled-by-sleep-deprivation ideas. “Look, we’re both vaguely triangle-shaped, yeah? Because we’re both broad-shouldered dudes. So it’s stupid to try to fit two triangles facing the same way into a rectangular area. How about I stay up here and you move so your head is at the foot of the bed and then we’ll both fit and you won’t fall asleep on my arm again?”

Derek says he’s not going to spend the whole night with Stiles’ stinky feet in his face.

Stiles says his feet are not stinky, thank you very much. He has amazing hygiene.

Just to drive the point home, he rubs the sole of his bare foot on the back of Derek’s calf. Derek hits him with his pillow. Stiles hits him back with his pillow. Things devolve from there.

Stiles is pretty sure the only reason they fall asleep after that is that they've worn themselves out from arguing about feet, and that's not exactly a sustainable plan for successful bed-sharing.

"Have you tried building a pillow wall?" Scott suggests when they skype next.

"I don't think there's room for that," Stiles says, stifling a yawn in his sleeve. A good night’s sleep is but a distant memory at this point. "Also, we don't have enough pillows."

It does give him an idea, though. Maybe a crazy idea, but... it could work. It's worth a try, anyway.

When Stiles was little, he always slept with this one pillow his mom gave him. It was bright green and shaped like a dinosaur. He couldn't go to sleep unless he was hugging it. He didn't outgrow the habit until he was in middle school and lost Dino on an overnight class trip to Disneyland.

Maybe what he really needs now for a good night's sleep is to hug Derek.

No... cuddle Derek. Spoon him.

They obviously can't keep trying to share a single bed that’s barely big enough for one grown man, let alone two, and keep to a no-touching rule at the same time. It's just not working. So maybe the solution is to un-taboo the touching thing. Embrace the touching.

He thinks Derek would be a good cuddler, what with all the body heat he throws off, and all the muscles. Stiles wonders if well-muscled people are nice to lie on. He thinks the answer is probably yes.

And maybe Derek needs it, too. He's always been a tactile kind of guy, from what Stiles has seen. He still remembers when they were little kids, really little, and Derek's mom used to call Derek "the hug monster." He was always going around hugging everybody, and at nap time he always wanted to hold Stiles’ hand.

That was before Derek grew up and became such a grump, obviously.

Maybe, Stiles thinks, Derek would be a little less of a grump if he got to cuddle someone every once in a while.

That night, Stiles waits until Derek has climbed under the covers and then scoots close. Derek's on his side, so Stiles is left facing what little he can see of Derek's bare back in the dim light: his muscular shoulders, held stiff with tension, and a hint of the dark, thick lines that form the triskelion tattoo between his shoulder blades. It's an appealing, if distinctly unfriendly, view.

"Hey, Derek," he tries in his friendliest tone, the kind he normally never uses around Derek, not after a lifetime of mutual antagonism.

Derek grunts and tenses up even more but otherwise doesn't respond.

Stiles isn't entirely sure how to put his idea into words, at least not without getting his head bitten off for it. He's tempted to just throw an arm around Derek's waist and see what happens. On the other hand, he doesn't have a death wish.

He also kind of has to wonder about the ethics of initiating cuddling with someone without getting their consent first. Spooning isn't kissing or sex, nothing that invasive, but... Stiles could see it probably falling into that same general category of ask-before-touching. He doesn't want to be creepy. He thinks it's something Derek will like, if he can just get over the fact that it's Stiles, but... but that's a big if.

So instead, he taps Derek on the shoulder and says, "I think we should spoon."

"Not funny," Derek says. He sounds bone-tired. "Go to sleep, Stiles."

"That's what I'm saying," Stiles persists. "Seriously. We should spoon so we can go to sleep."

“Remember when I said that thing about you staying over there and me staying over here? Because I do.”

“But—”

"If you don't like the way things are now, you can go sleep on the floor."

Stiles lets out a groan of frustration. “Listen, I really think it could work, okay? It’d probably be relaxing for both of us, and we wouldn’t be fighting over the same tiny bit of space on the bed anymore, and, I dunno, you could even imagine I’m a hot girl if you want, I don’t care—”

“No,” Derek growls. “Not happening.”

So that’s that. Stiles lies on his back and chews on the inside of his cheek, annoyed.

The night that follows is the worst yet. Stiles sleeps fitfully. He keeps waking up to find he’s too cold because Derek’s stolen the covers, or his neck’s at a weird angle because his pillow has gotten wedged up under Derek’s shoulder, or he’s half on the bed and half on the floor because Derek’s decided in his sleep that he’s going to lie diagonally across the bed now.

When morning comes, Derek looks like he’s fared no better than Stiles. There’s something quietly haggard about him, something defeated in the weary slump of his shoulders as he trudges off to the bathroom. It’s so close to mirroring how Stiles feels that he can’t even work up the I-told-you-so smugness he’s expecting.

That night, Derek sighs and puts a hand on Stiles’ arm as they’re climbing into bed. Stiles raises his eyebrows, because voluntary touching, that’s new. Especially voluntary gentle touching.

"We can try it," Derek says grudgingly. "The spooning thing."

Stiles grins. “You’re gonna love it, man.”

His good mood lasts until about two seconds later, when they actually get in the bed and there’s an awkward shuffle as Derek goes to put his arm around Stiles at the same time that Stiles goes to put his arm around Derek.

“What are you doing?” Stiles demands, wiggling away.

Derek furrows his eyebrows. “Uh, spooning you?”

“But I’m the big spoon,” Stiles says, crossing his arms over his chest. “That was the deal.”

“You never said that.” Derek crosses his arms, too, apparently settling in for a long debate. “Who says you get to be the big spoon?”

“I do, because it was my idea.”

“But I’m clearly… I mean, you’re so…”

Stiles rolls his eyes. It’s kind of sad that he’s known Derek long enough that he can usually guess what he means just from a few sentence fragments and glary eyebrows. “Wow, okay. Way to stereotype here. Let’s get one thing clear: just because I’m a little skinnier than you are doesn’t mean I can’t be the big spoon. I can totally big-spoon the shit out of you if I want to.”

“I’m not going to be the little spoon,” Derek insists, stubbornly, flexing his arm muscles a little.

“What’s wrong with being the little spoon? You get to feel all hugged and snuggly and cared-for.”

“If you like it so much, why don’t you be the little spoon?”

“Because I want to be the big spoon!”

“Well, so do I,” Derek says, final, like that settles everything.

Stiles thinks about this for a minute. He really wants this spooning thing to work. Maybe a little compromise is in order. “How about we switch it around? Tonight I’ll be the big spoon and then tomorrow night it’ll be your turn.”

“Why do you get to go first?”

“God,” Stiles says, “I didn’t realize I was dealing with a literal child here.”

“That’s not what ‘literal’ means,” Derek says, probably just to be petty.

“I’m a pre-law major, stupid. I know what ‘literal’ means.”

Derek ignores that. “We should flip for it. Heads, I get to be big spoon tonight. Tails, you get it.”

“Finally, a reasonable proposition,” Stiles says, and rolls out of bed to go find a coin.

It’s tails. Stiles grins smugly. Derek huffs and shifts over onto his side so Stiles can spoon him.

At first Derek is a stiff line all along Stiles’ front. Stiles mutters, “C’mon, work with me here, dude,” reproachful, and Derek just stiffens up further. It’s like trying to cuddle a mannequin or a wooden board, and Stiles thinks with a swell of disappointment that this isn’t going to work after all and they’re doomed to spend the rest of the semester in a mutual sleep-deprived daze.

Then. Then Stiles starts rubbing his thumb over Derek's breastbone in slow repetitive circles, soothing, and the mood between them thaws. Derek relaxes into Stiles’ hold. The air goes out of his lungs in one long, quietly pleased sigh, and he presses back minutely into the curve of Stiles' body. Win.

Stiles doesn't remember what happens after that. The next thing he knows, there's morning sun on his face, making the insides of his eyelids glow a dull red, and he's waking up still nestled lazily around the pliant, supple warmth of Derek’s body.

Stiles takes stock of things. Derek is fast asleep, face burrowed contentedly into his pillow. No one has kicked anyone else off the bed in their sleep or stolen any covers or pinned anyone else's arm under their body in an uncomfortable position. In fact, Stiles is completely comfortable, and well-rested, and fairly sure they've just solved their bed-sharing problem.

So the spooning is… not terrible.

Secretly, Stiles even starts looking forward to it.

Derek is still kind of an ass to him outside of bed, or at least he's just as willing as ever to call Stiles a slob for leaving a little toothpaste in the sink or forgetting to fold his socks, but once they're under the covers, it's like a truce has been called.

Stiles likes the moment when he first gets in bed and he presses his feet against Derek’s warm calves, and Derek hisses, “Jesus, your feet are like ice,” but doesn’t pull away. He likes the way they usually talk a little as they fall asleep, Derek’s voice low and soft in his ear, and he likes that they can let their guard down a little, finally, their snark and sarcasm mellowing to something almost affectionate in the dark, when they aren’t looking at each other.

He loves it when Derek spoons him, when Derek clasps their hands together against Stiles’ stomach, their legs tangling under the covers, Derek blanketing him protectively with his body. He loves how grounded he feels, how anchored. And Stiles loves spooning Derek in return. He loves resting his forehead against the nape of Derek’s neck; he loves the clean smell of Derek’s hair; he loves the way Derek starts relaxing as soon as Stiles is touching him.

He loves having someone to hold, and it’s not even that terrible, really, that that someone is Derek.

One afternoon Stiles mentions his friend Lydia from Philosophy of Law. She was saying today that she might know of a place nearer to campus he could rent, if he wanted. It wouldn’t be quite as cheap as this, but he’d have his own room, his own bed at least... He’s watching Derek’s face as he talks, weirdly dreading that Derek’s going to look relieved and trying to think how he could possibly admit he likes having Derek as a roommate more than he likes having his own bed in a way that won’t scare Derek off.

Derek doesn’t look relieved. He looks wary, and then irritated, and then outright pissed, and then he’s snapping at Stiles out of nowhere about something minor and stupid that Stiles never thought bothered him before, and it just keeps escalating, and it’s not like their usual arguments, which are almost fun, playful. Stiles doesn’t want to admit it, but this time it actually hurts when Derek calls him an annoying pain in the ass. He can feel tears stinging at the corners of his eyes, and it’s mortifying.

He’d started to think, with the whole spooning thing, that they were finally getting somewhere, but no. Apparently Derek hates him just as much as ever.

That very same evening, Stiles buys a plane ticket and calls in a couple vacation days at work. It’s been months since he’s seen his dad, anyway. He could stand to take a long weekend and go home. So he does.

It feels like a good idea, all of it—getting to hug his dad and Scott all he wants and drive his Jeep around town again and eat food other than ramen and sprawl out in his nice, large, unoccupied bed while pretending Derek doesn’t exist. It’s a vacation he didn’t know he needed.

At least, until it’s the middle of the night and Stiles has been trying and failing to fall asleep for hours.

Everything is all wrong. First he’s too chilly, and then he’s too hot under the extra covers he hauls down from the closet. Then he doesn’t have enough pillows, but when he gets more, his head is angled too high and he has to throw some back on the floor. And through it all, his mattress is too squishy and there’s this restless feeling buzzing under his skin and he keeps getting the urge to check his phone even though he knows Derek hasn’t texted him at all.

Somewhere in the middle of all this, Stiles comes to a terrible, inexplicable realization:

Derek’s shitty bed has ruined him for all other beds.

Fuck.

Then there comes an even worse thought, a few minutes later: that maybe it’s not the bed that’s the problem at all.

What the fuck is Stiles even supposed to do with a thought like that?

He only manages to fall into a light doze by hugging a pillow to his chest and wrapping himself tight in the blankets. That way he has something to hold and the bed doesn’t feel quite so big. Still, it’s not the same at all.

When he gets back to New York late Monday night, Derek is waiting for him in the room, sitting on the bed in a t-shirt and pj pants with his knees hugged to his chest. He has dark circles under his eyes.

He doesn’t say anything, but they both groan a little in relief the instant Stiles curls up around him under the covers.

“Sorry,” Derek murmurs, gently stroking the back of Stiles’ hand with his thumb, right before they fall asleep.

Stiles holds him a little closer. “Me too.”

That night Stiles sleeps like the dead. It’s awesome.

“Why don’t we like each other?” Stiles asks the next morning.

“Habit, I guess,” Derek says, voice muffled where his face is pressed between Stiles’ shoulder blades. They’d switched positions sometime last night in their sleep. Stiles has no complaints.

Derek nuzzles in a little at Stiles’ spine and adds, “You used to be such a little shit.”

“Yeah,” Stiles says, grinning at the memories, and at the fondness in Derek’s tone. “And you always acted so stuck-up and superior, even though you’re only two years older than me and Scott.”

“But mentally at least five years older,” Derek says wryly.

Stiles makes a face, even though Derek can’t see him. “Debatable.”

He shifts around a little, ignoring Derek’s cute little growl of protest at the jostling, until they’re facing each other under the covers. Derek’s hair is messy and soft-looking and Stiles just wants to run his fingers through it, so he does, snorting to himself when he can’t get it to behave even a little bit. He loves how happy and relaxed Derek looks like this, his skin almost glowing with the sunlight filtering through the sheets.

Stiles takes a risk and whispers, “I missed you this weekend.”

“Oh yeah?” Derek slides his hand around from Stiles’ waist to his hip, fingertips ghosting over the skin where his shirt is riding up, and Stiles shivers a little. “I thought you were mad at me this weekend.”

“Oh, I was,” Stiles nods. “But I missed you, too.” He gestures vaguely between them. “I missed this.”

Derek looks at him for a long, quiet moment. In this light, his irises are an impossible luminous green flecked with amber and gold and grey. Stiles feels kind of weird for staring so long, but it’s not like Derek isn’t staring back. His eyes trail down Stiles’ face, lingering on his mouth, and then he leans forward and nuzzles in at Stiles’ throat, tentative. When Stiles doesn’t do anything except keep petting his hair, Derek nudges in a little closer, his thigh slotting in between Stiles’, and continues up along his neck to his jaw, stubble scraping Stiles’ skin. He presses a kiss there at the hinge of Stiles’ jaw, feather-light, and then another, closer to his mouth.

“Fuck, can you please just kiss me,” Stiles blurts, and Derek huffs out a laugh and does.

Stiles can admit he’s had thoughts, mostly in the shower, about what it might be like to kiss Derek, because how could he not. He’d always imagined it would be biting and angry, Stiles hitting a nerve and Derek shoving him up against something and just taking. The kind of kiss that would leave bruises.

This, though, this is so much better, because Stiles never imagined Derek could be sweet, could take his time taking Stiles apart, long luxurious minutes of melting everything in him to warm honey and leaving him aching with it in the best way.

“Nng,” is about all Stiles can say when Derek finally pulls back.

Derek looks smug.

“Oh, shut up,” Stiles groans, trying and failing to fight back a smile. He defies anyone not to look at least a little goofy after a kiss like that.

“I missed you, too,” Derek admits.

“I kind of figured.”

“I was scared you were going to move out.”

“Nope.” Stiles pulls him a little closer. “I’m staying right here. You can’t get rid of me.”

“Good,” Derek says, satisfied, and leans back in to kiss him again.

They don’t get out of bed for a long, long time.

(end)

EDIT: sequel

#sterek fanfiction #later on stiles does take lydia up on her offer of a bigger place #but when he moves out #he takes derek with him #the new place still has only one bed #which is just fine with both of them #my fic

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rifleocean10-blog · 5 years

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A Week in the Life of a Working Mom Who’s Training for Her First Marathon Since Having a Baby

Sweat Diaries

Real estate project manager and mom to a 16 month old shares a look at training for her first marathon after having a baby.

Danielle Graham shares a peek into her life while training for her first marathon after baby. Photographs courtesy Danielle Graham.

Welcome to Sweat Diaries, Be Well Philly’s look at the time, energy, and money people invest in pursuit of a healthy lifestyle in Philly. For each Sweat Diary, we ask one Philadelphian to spend a week tracking everything they eat, all the exercise they get, and the money they spend on both. Want to submit a Sweat Diary? Email [email protected] with details.

Who I am: Danielle Graham (@dani__graham), 30, from Abington

What I do: I’m a full-time real estate project manager and part-time freelance writer. I’m also mom to 16-month-old Savannah, and I’m a marathon and ultramarathon runner. I’m the founder and co-leader of the Pennypack Trail Runners, which meets every Saturday.

What role healthy living plays in my life: Running and maintaining a healthy lifestyle has helped me gain clarity and sanity in some of the hardest times of my life. After my youngest brother died in 2008, I suffered from depression. I climbed out of the darkness when I found running, and have since turned to running and other forms of exercise to relieve stress, to help me work through difficult decisions, to build up my confidence, and to reach others in a positive way. For me, exercising (almost) daily has huge mental benefits, and the physical benefits are a nice side effect too. Now I work out because I know that it makes me a better mother, wife, and employee, on top of making me physically fit. I’m currently training for the NYC Marathon (my first postpartum 26.2) and this is my peak week! I’m hoping to break four hours for the first time and set a big personal record in NYC.

Health memberships: Run coaching services by Lift Run Perform ($125/month) and Crunch Fitness ($25/month). I have frozen my Orangetheory membership until after the marathon.

Monday

For her first marathon after baby, Danielle Graham is logging lots of miles on her basement treadmill. Photograph courtesy Danielle Graham.

5:30 a.m. — Wake-up begrudgingly after a terrible night’s sleep. I can’t even blame my 16-month-old for a bad night’s sleep, since she slept soundly through the night.

5:45 a.m. — Drink a small cup of Starbucks coffee with a little cream and sugar and eat half a banana while listening to calm music and browsing social media. I try to eat something before every morning run or workout because I tend to get nauseous if I work out on an empty stomach.

6:15 a.m. — Run four easy miles on my basement treadmill while watching The Bold Type.

7:30 a.m. — After I shower and get ready for the day, I blend up a smoothie containing whole milk, two scoops of Orgain Vanilla Bean Protein Powder, half a banana, cinnamon, nutmeg, and ice. Kinda tastes like pumpkin spice without the pumpkin.

All of the beverages to kick-start the morning. Photograph courtesy Danielle Graham.

7:35 a.m. — I jump in the car and head to work in New Jersey with ALL the beverages: my smoothie, water bottle, and a travel mug of coffee. My commute can be anywhere from 35 minutes to an hour, depending on the traffic.

9:30 a.m. — I’m sitting at the construction site where I currently work full-time as a contractor. Sometimes my smoothie is enough for breakfast, but lately it’s not cutting it with all the miles I’m running. I head to the cafe and order two scrambled eggs ($1.68).

11:45 a.m. — Lunchtime! Head to the cafe and throw together a “kitchen sink” salad with spinach, arugula, carrots, onion, chickpeas, mushrooms, parmesan, quinoa, almonds, and grilled chicken. Grab a raspberry-lime seltzer and eat outside in the courtyard with a friend ($9.52).

1 p.m. — Feeling the effects of my poor night’s sleep, so I refill my 40-ounce water bottle and grab another small coffee (free at client site).

4 p.m. — Peanut butter chocolate chip Larabar saves the day before I hit an afternoon slump.

5:30 p.m. — On my way home from work, I stop at the grocery store to pick up a few things for dinner and the house ($40.83).

5:45 p.m. — Get home and finally see Savannah for the first time of the day! I play with her a little bit, feed her dinner and she’s in bed by 7:30 p.m.

A tasty stir-fry for dinner. Photograph courtesy Danielle Graham.

8 p.m. — My husband Josh is also the chef of our family (#blessed). He cooks “egg roll guts” stir-fry for dinner, which my cousin recommended. It is delicious, filling, and healthy. It contains cabbage, carrots, ground pork, onions, ginger, peanuts with rice. I have a glass of Douro wine with dinner.

9 p.m. — While doing the dishes, I warm up fresh apple crisp that Josh made on Saturday night with our CSA apples. We have it with a little Häagen-Dazs Vanilla Bean ice cream. Treat yo’self!

9:30 p.m. — Watch some TV and stretch/foam roll before bed

10:30 p.m. — Prep my coffee for tomorrow and head up to bed, ready to do it all again tomorrow!

Daily total: $52.03

Tuesday

An iced coffee to break up the day. Photograph courtesy Danielle Graham.

6:45 p.m. — Wake up after snoozing past all of my running alarms. I had another night of restless sleep, so I decide to sleep in and take a well-deserved rest day. I ran 28 miles within the last three days and I can tell my body really needs it.

8 a.m. — I sip a travel mug of coffee on the way into work.

9:30 a.m. — I drink a Siggi’s Vanilla Drinkable Yogurt.

11:00 a.m. — After leading our weekly meeting, I chow down on last night’s leftover stir-fry with a lemon LaCroix from home.

11:45 a.m. — I hop in the car and cross the bridge to my office in Center City. I don’t usually work from the office since I’m at a client construction site full-time, but today I have a couple of commitments in the office.

12 p.m. — I park and head in.

2 p.m. — Catch up with a work friend over cold brews at Peddler Coffee (treated by my friend).

2:30 p.m. — Shoot a couple of video blogs for work.

3:30 p.m. — Starving, I eat a Banana Chocolate Chip Larabar during a meeting.

5:30 p.m. — I pick up our CSA fruit and veggie share at a local synagogue and head home.

5:45 p.m. — I get home, feed Savannah dinner and watch some TV with her before bed.

Avocado pasta for dinner. Photograph courtesy Danielle Graham.

7:15 p.m. — Cook dinner with a glass of Douro. Tonight I’m trying to use ingredients we already have so I make an avocado pasta with fresh tomatoes from our garden.

8 p.m. — Eat dinner while watching DVR’d SNL. For dessert I eat five Oreo Thins, which are a staple in my household these days.

10 p.m. — Prep coffee for tomorrow and head to bed.

Daily total: $0

Wednesday

An afternoon walk. Photograph courtesy Danielle Graham.

5:45 a.m. — Wake up and get dressed to run. I’m staying home with Savannah today since she’s sick and can’t go to daycare, but I still want to get in a run before she wakes up.

6 a.m. — Eat half a banana and drink a cup of coffee while browsing social media.

6:30 a.m. — Run six easy miles on the treadmill while watching The Bold Type.

7:30 a.m. — Hop off the treadmill as Josh is getting ready to leave and kiss him goodbye. I shower and make the same smoothie as Monday for recovery.

8:45 a.m. — Cook breakfast for me and Savannah — four scrambled eggs and we split a toasted English muffin with butter.

9 a.m. — Pour myself coffee number two for the day.

10:30 a.m. — Head out for a walk with Savannah and our dog, Whiskey. We get about three quarters of a mile out and Savannah starts getting cranky, so I play the Moana soundtrack on my phone and we turn around to head back.

11:30 a.m. — Put Savannah down for a nap. I throw in some laundry and then lay down myself for a bit. I’m going to have a late night at work and want to get some extra rest.

12:30 p.m. — Savannah wakes up and we have lunch. I reheat some of last night’s avocado pasta for her, and I eat the last of our egg roll stir-fry (I LOVED this dish!).

A snack of protein muffins. Photograph courtesy Danielle Graham.

2:15 p.m. — I put on a movie for Savannah so I can get a little housework done. I throw in more laundry, do all the dishes, straighten up, and make a batch of Kodiak Blueberry Lemon Protein muffins. When they’re done, I split a muffin with Savannah.

4 p.m. — Get changed and drive to work. We’ve got contractors showing up at 5 p.m. tonight.

6 p.m. — I eat an apple and a handful of almonds. Not sure what time I’ll be having dinner tonight so I brought a bunch of snacks.

7 p.m. — I make myself an Earl Grey tea with a little cream and sugar in the break room. Contemplate leaving to go get some dinner.

8:30 p.m. — I run out to Panera during break and inhale a You Pick Two: Cuban sandwich and Autumn Squash soup, with a seltzer and bag of chips ($13.19).

10:30 p.m. — Still at work. Eat an Almond Butter Chocolate Chip Larabar for dessert.

11:30 p.m. — Listen to a Wine & Crime podcast on my drive home. It’s my new fave.

12:15 a.m. — Get home and pass out from exhaustion.

Daily total: $13.19

Thursday

A La Colombe pick-me-up. Photograph courtesy Danielle Graham.

7:45 a.m. — Wake up, finally a good night’s sleep this week! I’m going into work a little late today. I help Josh get Savannah ready for daycare and head upstairs to shower.

9 a.m. — Head to work with travel mug of coffee and a protein muffin for the road.

10:45 a.m. — Drink a Siggi’s Vanilla Drinkable Yogurt

11:30 a.m. — Meet a new co-worker for lunch in the cafe. I have a “kitchen sink” salad again and a raspberry lime seltzer ($7.44).

1:30 p.m. — After walking around the campus and jobsite for the last hour, I need a little boost so I drink a La Colombe Vanilla Draft Latte I purchased at the cafe ($3.73).

3 p.m. — Contractors are gone for the day, so I snap some jobsite photos and then head upstairs to do some work.

3:35 p.m. — Hungry again so I snack on some almonds and an apple.

5:45 p.m. — After sitting in tons of traffic on the way home, I stop at the grocery store to pick up milk, eggs, and a few other staples ($36.04).

6 p.m. — Get home. Play with Savannah and feed her dinner.

7:15 p.m. — I put on running clothes while Josh puts Savannah to bed.

A night run on the basement treadmill while training for her first marathon after baby. Photograph courtesy Danielle Graham.

7:30 p.m. — Run this week’s speed workout on the basement treadmill (yes, again!) because it’s violently thunderstorming outside. Tonight’s workout isn’t too bad: four miles to warm up at easy pace, 5 x 45 seconds at 7:34, with two minute recovery jogs, then cool down to eight miles.

9 p.m. — I shower really quick and run downstairs to watch the Eagles game and chow down on some of my favorite pizza that Josh picked up from Vincent’s. This one has prosciutto, arugula, fresh parm, and balsamic reduction. I pair two slices with a bottle of Pumking, my favorite fall beer, and a lemon LaCroix.

Pizza for dinner. Photograph courtesy Danielle Graham.

10:30 p.m. — Say I’m going to bed but it’s so fun watching the Eagles crush the Giants.

11:30 p.m. — Clean up the kitchen and finally head to bed with an Eagles win. Gonna regret staying up this late in the AM.

Daily total: $47.21

Friday

A morning run while training for her first marathon after baby. Photograph courtesy Danielle Graham.

5:30 a.m. — Wake up after snoozing a few times. Get dressed and head downstairs.

5:45 a.m. — Drink a small coffee and huge glass of water, and eat a blueberry protein muffin.

6:15 a.m. — Put on all my reflective and light-up running gear and head outside for an easy six-mile run. During my run, I narrowly miss stepping on a dead raccoon and almost vomit on the spot.

7:15 a.m. — Shower and get ready for work. Prep a smoothie (same ingredients as others this week), travel coffee mug, and huge water bottle for work.

9 a.m. — At work, I’m still starving! I head to the cafe and order a mushroom, onion, and cheese omelet (treated to breakfast by one of our contractors). I eat it with ketchup because I am a child.

12:45 p.m. — Head to the cafe for lunch. My client gives away free soup on Fridays so I get a small Kombucha Squash soup and a small Veggie Chili. They are both perfect for this amazing fall weather! Raspberry-Lime seltzer to drink ($1.70).

2:45 p.m. — Really feeling the effects of the late-night Eagles game. Make a cup of coffee in the break room and prep for a conference call.

4 p.m. — Snack on a peanut butter chocolate chip Larabar before heading out for the day.

5:15 p.m. — Get home and hang out with Savannah for a while outside, then head upstairs to get ready for dinner with Josh and some of my work friends and their husbands.

6:15 p.m. — Drive to the Elkins Park train station and catch the Regional Rail downtown.

Cocktails to close out the week. Photograph courtesy Danielle Graham.

7 p.m. — Arrive at Spice Finch in Rittenhouse Square, which was recently recommended by a friend. Since Josh and I arrived early due to our train schedule, we order some pre-dinner drinks. I get the “Rest in Pete’s” which has vodka and prosecco and Josh orders a rye cocktail ($28.60).

7:30 p.m. — Our friends arrive and we head to our table. We have a long, tapas-style dinner with several small plates and one large plate for the table. I drink two glasses of Tempranillo ($120).

11:30 p.m. — Take the train back home and head straight to bed. We’re getting up early to walk the Race for Hope in the morning, a fundraiser to end brain cancer.

Daily total: $150.30

Weekly Totals

Money spent: $262.73

Miles run: 24

Cups of coffee: 11

Smoothies: 3

Larabars: 4

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Source: https://www.phillymag.com/be-well-philly/2018/11/01/marathon-after-baby/

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jessicakehoe · 5 years

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Booksmart’s Stars on Teen Movies, Timothée Chalamet, And Why Olivia Wilde is a Queen

It’s a familiar premise: two high school nerds, on the cusp of graduation, are desperate to have one wild night out. There’s a big party to get into. There are crushes to be met. There are things to be done. Familiar as those broad strokes might be, the specifics are anything but. For one, Beanie Feldstein and Kaitlyn Dever’s characters, Molly and Amy, aren’t the typical “nerd” types you see in movies in this genre. They’re smart, driven, well-adjusted, and couldn’t care less about what the “popular” kids think of them. But they’ve been so intent on doing everything right—from getting into their dream schools to figuring out their career paths—they realize they forgot to have fun along the way.

And so Booksmart follows the duo as they set about trying to cram four years’ worth of quintessential high school experiences into a single night. Needless to say, mistakes are made, boundaries are pushed and epiphanies are had. But the film never once strays into cliched territory nor does it rely on familiar tropes of high school cliques and tensions to drive its story. More importantly, the emotions and impulses of its female leads (one straight, one queer, another welcome deviation from the usual teen movie formula) are treated with enormous respect and understanding.

“It’s not a comedy that just takes jokes written for guys and [puts them] in the mouths of actresses,” first-time director Olivia Wilde tells The Frame. “Coz that happens a lot where it’s like ‘It’s a girl comedy! It’s so great they’re talking like guys!’ But that’s just not how women interact.”

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Spotted: the cast of #BooksmartMovie taking our breath away at last night’s NYC Screening. In theaters THIS FRIDAY. Link in bio for tix! 📸 by @emiliomk

A post shared by BOOKSMART (@booksmart) on May 22, 2019 at 5:00pm PDT

On the eve of the movie’s release, we caught up with its stars to chat about what makes Booksmart so special, their favourite onscreen BFFs, and more.

This movie is so different from other movies in its genre, where we typically see getting laid as being the big objective of the night, whereas for your characters it’s the experience of having a crazy night, and doing it together. In what ways did this movie feel different to you from other high school movies?

Kaitlyn Dever: I love that these girls aren’t trying to hook up… in any other movie it would have been like they were trying to get the guy at the end of the night.

Beanie Feldstein: They probably would have a fight over it.

KD: What’s so refreshing is these girls are so self-aware. They know how fun they are and how smart they are, and intelligent and so many other things. They just sort of want to prove that to everyone else, and also they’ve realized ‘wait a second, we could have done both and we haven’t and we should try to get on that tonight.’ I love that with my character—we don’t just mention that she’s queer and then don’t discuss it again. This is a girl who definitely has desires and wants an experience with someone and has just never had it and has no idea what that’s like. That’s very relatable, you know, to never have had an experience like that before.

I really like how matter-of-factly Amy’s queerness is depicted; her sexuality is given the same treatment as anyone else’s.

KD: Yeah, [typically] with a queer character, she would have been put in the movie to be the gay character, and we don’t really talk about it and we never explore her sexuality. Or there’s the other side of it where we would see the coming out story, and while that is a beautiful story and an important story to tell, we wanted to see what it was like after that. Olivia really didn’t want to put a spotlight on it because we don’t need to continue to do that anymore, that’s not what this generation is.

BF: Not only are these girls smart and dedicated and involved but they also have a deep and meaningful friendship. And I’d never seen, at the centre of a comedy, the story of two female best friends where one is straight and one is queer, and that never affects the relationship, it never comes into their friendship, they’re just like ‘i love you, go get ’em, go get that girl, go get that guy.’ And I also think, like… the only love scene in the film is a queer love scene which a) is so cool but also [the scene] is so deeply moving and funny and awkward and consent is involved in such a natural, easy way and that is a moment that anyone can relate to. But the fact that there’s universality to a queer moment is really, really radical. Bringing a straight audience and saying ‘you have to relate to us, we don’t have to relate to your story’ is really special, especially in this genre.

Speaking of this genre, did your brother [Jonah Hill] have any advice for you going into this movie?

BF: Well I take advice from him all the time, and he takes advice from me all the time. I think he was just really excited and proud, and the only thing he said was ‘hang out with Kaitlyn as much as possible.’ Because him and Michael [Cera] did that before they started shooting [Superbad], they spent every day together. We were talking about this at lunch, and were like ‘we have to spend every minute together’ and Olivia was like ‘well you could live together.’ So we ended up living together through all of rehearsals, even before the shooting, for like a month. So by the time we got to filming we were so genuinely connected that Molly and Amy just sort of sprung to life. It was amazing to layer them on top of our foundation.

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Rolling with the homies. All the way to the theater because #BooksmartMovie is out everywhere Friday.

A post shared by BOOKSMART (@booksmart) on May 18, 2019 at 2:59pm PDT

Had you guys met before you ended up on this project together?

BF: Not officially.

KD: Ships in the night.

Well one thing you had in common is that you’d both done movies with Timothée Chalamet [Feldstein in Lady Bird and Dever in Beautiful Boy]. What was working with him like?

KD: I think he is one of the most talented actors of our generation. I’ve known him since I was like 16, we did another movie together and I knew immediately, I was like this kid, this kid’s got it. I don’t know what it is but he’s got it. He’s sooo talented.

BF: He’s here to stay.

KD: He’s here to stay and I knew it was going to happen, it was just a matter of time before everyone saw his genius. I really admire him a lot and he’s a good friend of mine.

BF: He’s delicious.

KD: He’s like a Leo and a Daniel Day-Lewis all in one, but he’s like a new… he’s just Timothée Chalamet.

BF: Hell yeah.

One thing I love about your characters, and it reminded me a lot of the dynamic between Abbi and Ilana in Broad City, is the way they’re always hyping each other up, talking each other up. In terms of onscreen friendships, what are some of your favourites that you love or loved growing up?

BF: Abbi and Ilana was a big one.

KD: Bridesmaids.

BF: We grew up in the ’90s so Lizzie McGuire, Thelma & Louise.

KD: Raven and Chelsea. Weird Science. They were boys but I loved that movie.

BF: That’s fine, Cory and Shawn in Boy Meets World was like my dream friendship, I was like ‘I AM Cory Matthews!’

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Shout out to all the directors (female and otherwise) who know this feeling of deep, like WHOA, like, profoundly deep honor that an actor is trusting you with their vulnerability and imagination and body and heart. There are no words for the gratitude I feel. Love you @kaitlyndever and all my @booksmart fam. #filmmakerfriday

A post shared by Olivia Wilde (@oliviawilde) on May 10, 2019 at 9:26am PDT

What was it like working with Olivia Wilde?

BF: Like working with a queen. She’s so remarkable. She sparkles. She is so confident and had so much energy, we were like ‘you’re a superhero.’ She’s a mom, she’s a producer, she’s an actor, she’s a director, she’s an activist. When does she sleep? No one will ever know. And she’s just so giving in the way that she directs, it was so deeply collaborative. She raised every human being on this film up. She just wanted them to shine.

KD: I loved how she treated everyone so singularly. She didn’t treat everyone as one big group and say ‘okay this is how I’m directing and this is my way.’ She always wanted our ideas, she always valued our opinions and wanted to bring all of our specificities into our characters and in turn it made this film more full-bodied because these characters were so great on page but then they just became more rich through this amazing collaboration that Olivia had with each individual person. I think that really shines on screen [similar to] movies like Fast Times at Ridgemont High—all of those characters are so specific and so different but they all fit together so well and I think that those kinds of movies are so iconic because there’s a person for everybody in that movie and if everyone was speaking the same or directed like one big group, it’d be a very different movie.

Beanie, it’s interesting that you’ve worked with not one but two first-time female directors, who are also actors, on movies about the high school experience. [Feldstein played Saoirse Ronan’s best friend in Lady Bird, directed by Greta Gerwig.]

BF: I have a type.

What’s that been like for you, being a part of these milestone films?

BF: My female friendships are the most important to me in my life. I feel like there just can’t be too many stories about that because there are so few to begin with. The fact that I got to be part of two that are so deeply, deeply honest and so relatable and lived-in and full is one of the most emotional things that’s happened to me in the past five years. I can’t believe I was given that honour.

The post <em>Booksmart’</em>s Stars on Teen Movies, Timothée Chalamet, And Why Olivia Wilde is a Queen appeared first on FASHION Magazine.

Booksmart’s Stars on Teen Movies, Timothée Chalamet, And Why Olivia Wilde is a Queen published first on https://borboletabags.tumblr.com/

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canaryatlaw · 7 years

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Ugh I'm really bad at going to bed when I want to lol. Today was pretty good. I dragged my ass out of bed at 8:30 and got ready to go to the beach. I don't really have a bathing suit (I have one but idk if it fits and I didn't bring it with me anyway) so I just wore a bra and underwear with a tank top and shorts and faked it because whatever. We left for the beach around 9 and made fairly good time, getting there around 9:50. Parking was already swamped, and we had to drive around for a few minutes but soon found a spot on the street and discovered that you can pay for the meter by phone if you don't have enough quarters (interesting). So from there we walked over to the public access point, not very far. We were right over by where we used to always stay when we would come down here to visit my cousins. Where they actually live is kind of out in the middle of nowhere, and the only thing nearby is a motel, and my parents don't really do motels if at all avoidable (spoiled rich people that they are) so we always opted for one of the touristy hotels on the beach, because hey, beach! I was just happy to be back at the ocean. I dutifully put sunscreen on, then laid back for a little while before deciding to go in the water. At first I was being hesitant and not wanting to go all the way in but then I saw the waves and thought about how some of my happiest memories from my childhood are at the beach jumping waves with my (other) cousin and my brother because nobody was making fun of me and I was simply accepted as part of the group, and I just said fuck it and ended up jumping through waves and dunking my head under for a good while with my cousin, and it was very much fun. I got to talk to my cousin a bit while we were out there about college and such and how to prepare and just practical advice and shit, so that was good. Eventually we went back, and I guess my mortal mistake was not reapplying sunscreen at this point, because I ended up with stupid ridiculous sunburn on my arms and legs and I'm very irritated about it. But anyway. We sat with my mom and aunts for a while, then the adults (or adult adults) went for a walk and I just sat with my cousin, and looked at the ocean and just ended up thinking. And I sat there and I thought about how much I missed the ocean, the real ocean, and how much I've enjoyed these days with my extended family, feeling that sense of love and community that seems so lacking in so many of my lonely days in Chicago. I thought about my grandparents and how I didn't get enough time with them, and how I never got to know my grandpa on my mom's side very well because he lived in Arizona and we only ever saw him for a few days a year. I thought about how my dad is already in his 70's, and while he's in good health he's still getting older and it's obviously going to still be a few years before I have any kids. I thought about how I want my kids to know their grandparents, to spend time with them while they can and build those relationships while they have the chance to, before they're taken from them too soon. I thought about how my cousins all lived in different states, and how I'd like my kids to be very close with their cousins, that they'd grow up alongside them, that my kids would know their uncles and aunt and feel so loved by all the family around them. And I just sat looking at the ocean and I decided I don't want to stay in Chicago after I finish law school. I don't really know where this decision came from. Sure, there's all the above, but up until now all of that was true and staying in Chi was still a rational decision to make. But now....I just don't want to anymore. Maybe it has to do with the job in New York City that I want so badly, that while I love the work I do now that is what I really want to do, what I want to do long term. How I'd be close enough to my family but not so close that I'd feel the need to get away that sent me packing in the first place. I need breathing room. I'm not moving back home. But I wouldn't be opposed to being closer, a lot closer than Chicago. I don't know if this job in NYC is what God does have in store for me, but I know I really want it. I guess we'll have to see what happens. I will really really miss my church in Chicago though. I love it there oh so much and I can only hope to find a community that resonates with my soul so much again in a new place. I love the people there and their beautiful hearts, and I will miss them dearly. But, anyways. We stayed at the beach until about 2 when we wanted to head back since we didn't want to spend the whole day there. We stopped at one of the little beach stores because my aunt (the one from Michigan) wanted to look at stuff. I wound up getting two pairs of shorts, like soffee style, because the shorts I was wearing yesterday were way too big for me as are the majority of my shorts now haha so I'll be needing to do something about that. I'm not really crazy about this aunt. She's technically my step-aunt I suppose, as she's not the mother of my cousins, though my uncle divorced her before I have any memories of them. I remember vaguely before they got married, and I remember it happening and gaining two new cousins (or step-cousins technically, but we've dropped that mostly). Growing up I thought I didn't like her because my cousins didn't like her and I liked them, but as I got older and those cousins haven't really been around, I've realized that she's really just a rude person and is always very demeaning towards younger people and it definitely just pissed me off as a kid (and sometimes still pisses me off). But anyway, not the point. We got back in the car and briefly stopped for coffee, then drove back to the house. I showered to get the sand off me and get the salt water out of my hair, then tried to aloe up the best I could. Everyone was kind of chilling at this point so I pulled out my laptop, only to find the mouse pad being erratic and not responding correctly, so I cursed and shut it off, hoping it being off for a few hours will fix the issue and it'll work for me to live tweet the Tonys tonight. Shortly after this we started playing badminton out front, and the neighbors came over, so I sat and talked with the mom for a bit. This is the mom of the girl I was talking to last night, and I very much enjoyed talking to her as well. We eventually moved to the back for some reason, then started playing bs, and today apparently was not my day for it because I didn't win either of our games lol. The second was interrupted by dinner, which we had steak for, then we finished and it was like 7:40 at this point so I checked my computer which was thankfully cooperating at this point and waited for the Tonys to start. I knew this year would be a bit odd because I admittedly have not been paying attention to the theatre season at all, and I've only seen one show that was barely nominated, so I wasn't really familiar with any of the front runners. I knew the concept of DEH and had seen Ben Platt perform on one of the tonight shows, but that was about it. I had mixed feelings overall about the night. Kevin Spacey was funny enough. I really enjoyed the Falsettos performance, so I'm very glad that was apparently recorded and I can see it in movie theatres since it closed way back in November (I don't know why, it looks hilarious). I wasn't impressed at all by hello dolly or Groundhog Day, I thought they were both very boring and I didn't quite know how they got nominated. War Paint I felt like should've been more impressive for the star power it had, but the music just wasn't very good. The DEH performance was of course great, it was a strong choice of course to pick a song that really only features your main actor and not an ensemble piece like most shows do, but Ben Platt did a fantastic job of carrying it and I was totally obsessed with the set design, holy crap it was awesome. I have tentative plans at least to see that show before the summer is over, assuming we can get tickets. I was sad Anastasia didn't win for featured actress or costumes, I can't speak for the costumes for other shows but Anastasia's were BEAUTIFUL, some of the best I've ever seen, and undoubtedly deserved a Tony for it. And Mary Beth Peil was did an amazing job in her role and I wish she got recognized for it. It also pissed me off it didn't get nominated for best musical when fucking Groundhog Day did which looked fucking terrible???? Like why??? Why is that a thing and why did it get nominated for best musical???? I have so many frustrations. Ugh. And Christy Altomare belonged in the leading actress race and Ramin Karimloo belonged in the featured actor race, but I digress. Great Comet had a fun performance, I enjoyed their costumes as well (mostly how it went from 1800s to punk rock in about two seconds) although I'm still not entirely sure what the show is actually about, or how it was conceived (something about war and peace)??? I liked what they did with having the playwrights talk about their plays, it was super effective in getting invested in them and better than how they used to do it. I also appreciated how they introduced them with the writers name first for the revivals. DEH winning of course surprised nobody, though it'll probably make ticket prices go up (sigh, as if they weren't high enough already). But yeah, it was decent, a good watch at least. And that pretty much summed up my night, just followed by an inability to get off my phone, though my phone has picked up the annoying habit of dying on me when the battery isn't dead but won't turn back on unless plugged in??? Ugh, not happy about it, but have a Genius Bar appointment for it Tuesday. Flying home tomorrow, but more on that then. Sleep for now. Goodnight peeps. Stay lovely.

#daily journal #June 2017

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808randolph-blog · 7 years

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#808Randolph The Mom Whose Second Pregnancy Revolves Around Her Toddler: In our new series Pregnancy Diaries, we ask expecting women to jot down every pregnancy-related detail of their lives for a week. (Special thanks to New York mag and Refinery29 for the inspo.) Work-related conundrums, struggles with IVF, and a whole lot of nausea, ahead. For our eighth entry, we have a 33-year-old part-time publicist from Connecticut who's 25 weeks along. She and her husband of almost eight years have a “spirited” two-and-a-half-year-old girl, and don't know the sex of baby number two. How long did it take you to conceive? It took just a couple of months to conceive baby #2. My cycle has tended to fluctuate month-to-month since having my daughter, so it was a bit of a challenge to track accurately. We've been incredibly fortunate and have not experienced any fertility issues to-date. Any other details relevant to your pregnancy? Our daughter was born three weeks and one day early, and I gave birth less than three hours after my water broke. This is known as precipitous labor, and it's not the most normal scenario for someone's first baby. Oh, and my husband was traveling on business at the time! Luckily my parents live nearby, and my mom was able to meet me at the hospital. I had accumulated all of the “stuff” I needed for the baby, but I was not ready to give birth or bring a baby home. Needless to say, the big theme of this pregnancy is PREPARATION. I hope to have everything ready for baby #2 at least four weeks before my due date so that we're not caught off guard this time. Of course, this is easier said than done when most of my days are spent catering to the needs and whims of a two-and-a-half-year-old. I'll refer to the new baby here as “the baby” or “it.” We don't know the gender! We also kept our daughter's gender a surprise. I'm very Type A and typically need to know every detail about everything, but this is one area of life where I truly feel that ignorance is bliss. MORE: A Glimpse Into What Pregnancy After a Miscarriage Is Like DAY 1 7 a.m. – Rise and shine! My daughter (we'll call her S) usually wakes up around 6:30am, but she's content to hang out in her crib for a little while and I use that extra time to wake myself up. In an ideal world, I would get up before her and eat breakfast, but she *knows* if I'm up and my plans for early morning productivity are always thwarted. We head downstairs and make a smoothie to share—almond milk, strawberries, raspberries, chia seeds, and cacao powder–and I fix myself a bowl of Kashi Blueberry Clusters and a cup of coffee. Decaf. The horror. I quit caffeine when I was pregnant with S and it has made me feel really sick ever since. 10:30 a.m. – Our weekly playgroup was rescheduled to an earlier time today, so we skip Mommy & Me gymnastics class and head to playgroup. (Chase S around a large gym, or sit on the floor while she plays with friends? I'll take the latter!) 12 p.m. – It's a ridiculously beautiful day, and S does not want to get in the car to go home after playgroup. I promise her we can go for a walk right after we eat lunch at home. I make her a PB&J sandwich and slice up an apple, and suddenly I feel like my blood sugar has plummeted and like I might pass out. S is desperate to go outside and can't understand that I need to quickly eat some food and sit down for a little while. I inhale a PB&J, two clementines, and several glasses of water and start to feel better. 1 p.m. – Ok, let's take that walk! We live within walking distance of town, so S gets into her favorite pink push car and off we go. I'm pretty sure I'm going to die after walking up the hill from my house to the main road. It's a perfect day for a treat, and I decide that our destination will be the gelato shop. 2 p.m. – Nap time for S! I use nap time to tackle dishes from the morning and early afternoon, catch up on work emails and take care of any work items that have popped up and need my attention. 7:30 p.m. – I keep S up late because my husband hasn't seen her all week. He works in finance in NYC and has an hour-long train ride to and from work every day. He puts S to bed before jumping in the car to drive to Vermont for the night. I bailed on our trip this weekend after looking at weather reports, and he needs to pick up some of his ski gear before a trip next week. (Note: No, I'm not skiing while pregnant!) 8 p.m. — I chat with my college roommate, who just gave birth to twins one week ago. The box of goodies that I sent her arrived today. Hooray! I do a final kitchen cleanup and shut the house down. 9 p.m. – I wash and dry my hair and catch up on some TV before falling asleep around 11. So far, I've been sleeping really well without too many restless nights or middle-of-the-night bathroom trips. I tell myself the baby knows that Mama needs her sleep. Pregnancy is an afterthought most days, but sometimes the realization that a baby is coming soon hits me like a bolt of lightning and sends me into a tizzy. DAY 2 6:30 a.m.– Our two cats are clamoring for breakfast, so I roll myself out of bed to tend to them before they start fighting directly outside of S's room. 7 a.m. – S gets up and opts for blueberry waffles for breakfast, while I once again settle on Kashi Blueberry Clusters. This has been my daily go-to breakfast since getting past the first trimester. I never threw up during the first trimester with this baby, but I generally felt nauseous all day every day and could rarely eat anything more than an English muffin or chicken noodle soup. With S, I threw up every morning from weeks 6-14 but felt fine the rest of the day. 8:45 a.m. – It's going to rain this afternoon and I want to make sure that we stretch our legs and get some fresh air today, so I suggest to S that we get dressed and go to the Nature Center in town for a walk. I have to borrow a sweatshirt from my husband because all of mine are too tight now. It *only* takes us 45 minutes to pull ourselves together and get out the door. 11:30AM – My husband is back home, and we take S to the diner for lunch. I get a buffalo chicken salad because I am a sucker for buffalo chicken, but the salad makes me feel like I'm making an effort to be healthy. I also steal pickles from S and my husband. 2 p.m. – My husband takes S up to her room for her nap, but she asks for me to come up to read her a book and put her to bed. I'm planning to clean my room this afternoon while she naps. 4:30 p.m. – Oops. I fell asleep and got nothing done! As a general rule in life, I REALLY don't like to take naps. Pregnancy is just about the only time I make an exception. 5:30 p.m. – We always get the most delicious macaroni and cheese on our way home from Vermont, and my husband dutifully picked one up this morning to make for dinner tonight. Sadly, it's a bad batch. It looks and tastes terrible. Just looking at it makes my stomach turn and I can't bear to think about eating ANYTHING. I don't tend to have specific food aversions during pregnancies, but some days I struggle to find anything that I'm willing to eat. This evening, I force myself to at least eat a toasted English muffin so that I get something in my stomach. 9 p.m. – After getting S to bed and tidying up the main floor of the house, I make a mug of peppermint tea and head to the basement with my husband to watch “Planet Earth II.” DAY 3 7 a.m. – My husband gets up to get S from her crib but we all have get up, so I groggily follow them downstairs. 9:45 a.m. – S has swimming lessons on Sunday mornings, which are my husband's domain. We've been away most weekends this winter, but it's so nice to have a little time in the house by myself this morning! I make an egg and cheese on an English muffin and have a second cup of coffee. I realize I'm going to have a baby in about three months and spend my alone time scurrying around the house finding homes for some stray, out of place items. Pregnancy is an afterthought most days, but sometimes the realization that a baby is coming soon hits me like a bolt of lightning and sends me into a tizzy. 2 p.m. – I finish up my grocery list and go shopping for the week while S naps. We usually shop on Monday mornings and while it's a definite treat to stroll the aisles of Whole Foods by myself, I miss my shopping buddy. I always load up on lots of fresh fruits and veggies to snack on throughout the week. I've been drawn to a lot of citrus fruit during this pregnancy. I love to have grapefruit with breakfast whenever I have time, and I snack on clementines throughout the day. I *had* to have a red bell pepper every single day when I was pregnant with S, but I haven't eaten them nearly as often during this pregnancy. I consider shopping a success because I kept myself from coming home with a ton of junk food. I maintained a very healthy diet when I was pregnant with S and rarely craved any kind of junk food. In fact, junk food made me feel really sick over the entire course of my first pregnancy. This time, I want all of the candy, cookies and ice cream you can toss my way. It's a daily struggle to make sure I'm giving the baby the right nutrients and keeping my weight in check. 4 p.m. – My husband managed to edit a video of S skiing, put all of her toys away in the basement, AND vacuum that room while I was out shopping. He is amazing and also makes me feel like the laziest person on the planet. I bought a single sumo orange at the store and eat it right when I get home. I immediately regret not buying the store's entire stock and will literally dream about sumo oranges for the next week. 6 p.m. – The Academy Awards are on tonight and even though I haven't seen a single nominated film, I'll watch red carpet coverage and the entire awards show broadcast. We get Chinese takeout for dinner and eat as a family before I return to the couch. I get the night off from being Mom. (Truthfully, my husband does most of the heavy lifting with S on the weekends anyway.) 8 p.m. – I bought ingredients to make skillet s'mores for dessert, and all I want is peppermint tea and a big bowl of fresh berries. I am simultaneously proud of myself and disappointed. The baby is constantly battering my bladder. DAY 4 6:15 a.m. – I wake up after hearing S stirring in her crib, but there's no way we're getting up yet. I have to use the bathroom, but it's just not worth getting out of bed right now. 6:30 a.m. – I look at the baby monitor again and notice that S is no longer in her crib! I am momentarily alarmed but decide that there's nothing she can get into trouble with in her room, so I leave her to play with her books while I wake myself up. 6:40 a.m. – I hear a door open and S is suddenly in my room saying, “Hi, Mommy!” Terrific. Not only can she climb out of her crib, but she ALSO can get out of her room. This is not a developmental milestone that I am looking to deal with three months before we have a new baby. 9 a.m. – S and I head out for a playdate at a trampoline park with my best friend and her daughter, who is just four months younger than S. My best friend is due with her second baby exactly two months after me, and we are trying to squeeze in as much time together with our girls as we can before the babies arrive. I'm so grateful to experience pregnancy with her again. I always have someone to text throughout the day who's facing similar toddler, parenting, and pregnancy issues. 10:30 a.m. – The baby feels really low today and is constantly battering my bladder. This is not an ideal feeling as I chase a toddler across a sea of trampolines. 2 p.m. – I'm so tired after a full morning and partial afternoon of really active play with S. I think about making a salad for lunch after putting her down for a nap, but there are three untouched quarters of a perfectly good PB&J sandwich sitting on a plate. I'd love to lie down for a little while, but I need to take care of some work emails this afternoon. I also order a couple of books for S about being a big sister to help her get ready for the baby. 8 p.m. – Leftovers of last night's takeout for dinner tonight. I'm starving and eat most of mine while my husband is still preparing his plate. We head to the basement to catch up on “Homeland.” 9 p.m. – My husband is organizing for our weekly garbage pick-up. I help by emptying the various small trash cans around the house while he cleans the litter boxes one more time and takes the garbage can and recycling bin to the end of the driveway. 10 p.m. – Early to bed! I'm exhausted from staying up late last night and a busy day with S. The baby starts kicking me as soon as I lie down, but I'm too tired for it to bother me today. DAY 5 7 a.m. – S did not climb out of bed this morning. Phew. Perhaps it was a one-time thing. 9 a.m. – My mom arrives to pick S up for the day. This is a good time to mention that our lives do not function without my mom. She's exceedingly flexible and generous with her time, and I don't know what we would do without her. My mom takes S two days a week, and I use those days as my full workdays. I'm extremely lucky to be able to work part-time, mostly from home, for the same PR firm that I was with full-time for nearly 10 years before having S. 9:30 a.m. – I settle down at my desk with my Kashi Blueberry Clusters and coffee after quickly getting dressed and pulling myself together for the day. Even though I work from home and spend a lot of time on the floor or chasing after a toddler, I need to get dressed in real clothes every day (read: no yoga pants for this mom, but to each their own!). It helps me feel like a human and have a productive day. 11:15 a.m. – I receive a call that my furniture delivery will arrive within 10 minutes, so I take a quick break from work. I unload the dishwasher, eat a clementine and refill my water cup while I wait. The delivery arrives – a new dresser that will either go to S or the baby–and I forgot that it would come fully assembled. The baby's room is currently my office and guest room, and I haven't “moved out” yet. The deliverymen are confused when I ask them to leave the dresser in the box and put it against the wall in my living room, but that is where it will live for the next month or so. Good luck to my husband and whichever friend he recruits to help him move it upstairs. 1 p.m. – The baby is kicking up a storm, and I look at the clock and realize that I haven't eaten lunch. I was extremely disciplined about my eating schedule when I was pregnant with S, and this baby is typically kicking me to say, “Excuse me? Hello? I'm hungry down here!” I make a salad with spinach, black olives, feta cheese, walnuts and red bell pepper and head back to my desk. 3:30 p.m. – I dial into a conference call that I primarily need to listen to and multitask by looking for overhead light fixtures for each of the bedrooms in the house. None of the bedrooms currently have overhead lights, but it's not a huge project. We'll have them installed sometime before the baby arrives. 4:30 p.m. – I don't have any additional work items to take care of today, so I take advantage of the extra time and make two phone calls that have been sitting on my to-do list. I make a two-and-a-half-year well visit with the pediatrician for S and call the hospital where I will deliver the baby to take care of preregistration details. The hospital tells me that I'll also have to stop by in-person to sign a few forms, and I make a note in my calendar to take care of that when I'm near the hospital following my next OBGYN appointment in three weeks. Then I start dinner prep before S gets home: lemon garlic shrimp with whole wheat penne. 6:30 p.m. – S's new stall tactic to avoid bedtime is to ask for a “quick bath” every night as we're heading upstairs. She doesn't need a bath today, but I'm not in a mood to argue with her and it gives us something to do before she goes to bed. There is one bathtub/shower that we share, and the bathtub is TALL. It's increasingly difficult for me to bathe her, but my husband doesn't get home early enough during the week to help with that task. 8 p.m. – I chat with my college roommate again. She has some questions about breastfeeding and pumping. I can't remember the answers to her questions off the top of my head, but I know exactly where my feeding and pumping logs are from when S was a newborn and consult them. As I review my notes from those early days, I am reminded of how incessant a newborn's needs are and jokingly ask myself why I signed up for this again. Mild panic about life with a toddler and newborn sets in. 9 p.m. – I can't drink, but I *can* have a bowl of ice cream. It's the little things that keep me going. 10 p.m. – Catch up with my husband, who worked late today, and catch up on news of the day. I don't get much time to read or watch the news during the day anymore and I don't have a TV in my office, so I often bookmark articles to read at night sometime between getting S to bed and falling asleep myself. DAY 6 9:15 a.m. – S and I head out for Mommy & Me class at the Nature Center. This is S's favorite weekly activity, and it's a great way for us to spend some time outdoors. I grab a Nature Valley granola square for myself as we leave the house because I know I'll be starving once class is over. 11 a.m. – We are back home after getting caught in a storm at the Nature Center. I can't zip my raincoat over my stomach, so I'm wet and freezing cold. 2 p.m. – I make avocado toast for lunch, which seems to satisfy the baby, and jump onto the computer to tackle a project for work that I want to send to a client tomorrow morning. I also use my time during S's nap today to educate myself about potty training and review recommended potty training products on Lucie's List. S has to be potty trained for preschool in September, and the thought of trying to do it this summer with a newborn makes me shudder. We'll tackle that in April. 5:30 p.m. – I have some chicken breasts in the fridge that I need to use, and I intended to marinate them earlier in the day but never got the chance. I settle on a dry rub and serve it with cauliflower rice and broccoli. The baby is happy that I'm eating a real meal at what it deems a reasonable time. S devours it and asks for more, and I hope that the baby develops her taste for vegetables. 8 p.m. – My husband heads out to play soccer, and I throw in a load of laundry and wash my hair. Quick showers are easy, but washing and drying my hair is a time commitment. My blow dryer and dry shampoo are really important tools these days! I look at my stomach and lament that it looks like I might not make it through this pregnancy without my belly button “popping.” It didn't happen with S, and it freaks me out, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed. 10 p.m. – We head to bed, but I've been stressed that the light fixtures and remaining nursery furniture that I have picked out won't be available if I wait any longer to order them. I make those purchases and while I've got my laptop open, I reach out to two local photographers about booking a newborn session. I can't drink, but I *can* have a bowl of ice cream. It's the little things that keep me going. DAY 7 5:45 a.m. – I get up extra early to see my husband off for the day since he'll leave for his ski trip straight from the office this afternoon. This is the last time he's allowed to travel far away from home before the baby arrives. We're not taking any chances this time! 6:30 a.m. – I'm enjoying a cup of coffee and catching up on some news when lo and behold, S opens her bedroom door and is looking for me. She comes downstairs and we make a smoothie. I make a mental note to order a toddler clock on Amazon. 9:00 a.m. – I'm going to work from my parents' house today. We're leaving later than I'd hoped, but we're finally in the car and on our way. My parents are puppy-sitting for one of my sisters, and my best friend and her daughter are coming over for a puppy playdate and lunch. There's no way I'm missing out on that fun! 12:30 p.m. – I join the crew for a quick lunch after addressing morning emails and dialing into a few conference calls. My mom picked up deli sandwiches for everyone, and yes, I eat cold cuts for lunch. I'm very diligent about avoiding most of the pregnancy no-no's, but I will occasionally make an exception for an easy (and delicious) lunch. 2 p.m. – Loft and The Gap are having enticing sales today, so I take a break to peruse their websites. I try to be very judicious about the maternity clothing that I buy, and I always wait for a sale. Most of my maternity clothing needs fell over the summer with S, while this time I've needed winter clothing. I'm also home this time rather than in an office every day. Of course, I mostly end up buying things for S. Because what toddler doesn't need white jeans for summer? 6 p.m. – S and I get home and I make my ultimate lazy dinner: quinoa with black beans, corn and cheddar cheese. I add Sriracha to mine and a little enchilada sauce to S's. 8 p.m. – I'm determined to be productive while my husband is away, and I head upstairs to clean my room. Three hours later, I've purged and re-organized my closet and dealt with a lot of the disorder that was driving me batty. 11 p.m. – My hips and feet are in so much pain. I can barely move. I've been lucky so far in this pregnancy to not be afflicted with many aches or pains, but I really regret when I stay on my feet too long or overexert myself. The cats have been staring at me for an hour and are grateful when I climb into bed so they can settle down into their spots for the night and go to sleep. I turn on HGTV to quiet my brain, and the baby starts its late-night acrobatics. I'm pretty sure this one is going to be trouble. My pregnancy sounds like it revolves around S, and truthfully, it does. I read the pregnancy and baby books when I was pregnant with her, and I don't need to worry about finding every single “just right” item for the baby this time around. Barring complications, I know what to expect from labor/delivery, postpartum recovery and a newborn and know that I can handle it. My job right now is to make sure that S is taken care of and feels loved, and I'm more focused on making sure that SHE's ready for the new addition to our family. MORE: What It's Like To Have a Difficult Pregnancy http://bit.ly/2q1erJD

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