I used to think that Gul Dukat from Star Trek: Deep Space Nine was an implausible character. Like, sure, it's fun how every time he appears on screen he acts like he genuinely believes he's engaging in witty banter with a respected rival, while every single character he interacts with clearly doesn't respect him at all, but really, how could someone with that much power and authority be that bad at reading the room?
In light of recent events, however
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every friend group should include
a bimbo
a mean bisexual
an even meaner lesbian
she/theys
he/theys
a token straight on thin ice
an astrology bitch who has everyone's birth chart memorised
and a short king
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Things I think would happen if Jeeves and Wooster were on DS9
Bertie is the only person on the station who has not yet clocked Garak as a spy. He spends a lot of time in Garak's shop either ordering the gaudiest clothes imaginable or asking Garak to back him up in whatever fashion argument he's having with Jeeves (which Garak is only too happy to do).
Jeeves fantasizes about murdering Garak a thousand times a day. This goddamn lizard man is his white whale. Any attempt to find blackmail material on him takes him down a hundred different rabbit holes leading to dead ends. He's met his match. There are flames. Flames on the side of his face.
He can't even take Garak to task for his garbage opinions on Earth literature because he knows full well how that would be taken.
Garak actually quite likes Jeeves, because game recognizes game and he respects a fellow manipulative bastard when he sees one. However, since he is, at the end of the day, a little shit, he takes great pleasure in dressing Bertie in louder and louder outfits just to watch Jeeves grind his teeth.
(He's also admittedly fond of Bertie, who's too nice and trusting to treat him with the same suspicion and contempt that nearly every other person on the station does. And if Bertie vaguely reminds him of a certain doctor, what of it?)
Quark quickly figures out that Bertie is absurdly easy to scam. Jeeves spends so much time foiling him that he's practically an informal member of the station security team. Odo drops by his table at the replimat every morning to swap Quark-related intel.
Jeeves also won't stop winning at the Dabo table, infuriating Quark even further. There's an ongoing arms race between Quark trying to find excuses to ban Jeeves from the bar and Jeeves finding ways to blackmail Quark into letting him back in.
Jadzia is the first person to notice the weird requited-unrequited thing J&W have going on and finds it endlessly entertaining. She makes a game of chatting to Bertie about Jeeves as if they're already an established couple (I hear it's Valentine's Day on Earth, are you and Jeeves doing anything special? Worf and I had an amazing romantic date last week at that new Bolian place, you should try it!) Her amusement gradually fades into astonishment the longer Bertie doesn't get it.
Jeeves sees Jadzia's increasingly unsubtle encouraging glances and wishes he could incinerate her with his mind.
Worf knows Jeeves does illegal shit in the course of protecting Bertie or extricating him from accidental alien wedding rituals. He knows it. He just can't prove it. And Odo is no help, because Jeeves keeps himself too unobtrusive and is too invaluable to the cause of keeping Quark in check for Odo to want to look into him that closely.
In the absence of hard evidence to pin him down, Worf's relationship with Jeeves remains tersely cordial. He grudgingly supposes that nobody who has such an amazing depth of knowledge about Klingon opera and poetry could be that bad.
You can't let Bertie and Morn in a room together. Once they get going they NEVER shut up.
Part 1.5 Part 2
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The Deep Space Nine writers: We have re-introduced beloved characters from previous Star Trek media.
The Deep Space Nine fandom: Ruined a perfectly good Irishman is what you did. Look at him. He's got anxiety.
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OVERHATED CHARACTERS POLL: Kai Winn Adami (Star Trek)
Feel free to explain your position in the comments or tags, but any harassment, over-the-top fighting, or personal attacks will result in you being blocked. Do not attack real people, be they fans or creators, over fictional characters.
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