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kdipshit · 1 year

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Im Finna go get that bag yuuuhhhhhh, so I got my job back holy shit who else is surprised?? Me lol, they said no stuff ups aloud lol, attendance has to be onnnn, its gonna be super easy though because I’m working with my mum who’s got make sure we get to work on time everyday lol, we get along so much better these days so its going to be FUN I loveeeee it already. Not gonna lie the anxiety and all the thoughts that I had when I first left a month ago, and I was scared I wouldn’t be able to show attendance… but like I’ve been doing, I’ve been showing up for MYSELF every single day, why not this swell? Literally why not? I have my goals in my mind, and I probably won’t even work here that long before I can sit comfortably on journalism and my path going this way. Its just that when I started thinking about it I started to feel it, and it wasn’t a good feeling, but now that we know feelings come from thoughts, and we can choose our thoughts, its become a lot easier to adjust to the perspective. I choose the most positive one every time, its a choice, if I did nothing I would go no where, but stay in my thought trapped brain, instead of living in my beautiful life. I choose to live every time.

I feel much better now that I’ve taken my morning meds lol, thank you for all the problems I didn’t have to face. There Is a version of myself in my head that I haven’t heard for a while, I’m very loud but blunt, cut throat and quick. Very much wanting to come forward, I’m trying to keep positive though.

The sweetness of doing nothing.

When I’m triggered and it turns to irritation and anger, it’s like I’m pacing back and forth in my head wondering why someone would do this harm to me, immediate victim complex. I feel stuck still, unable to move, usually scrolling vigorously is the only thing that can keep me calm and level headed, so I just did that but it’s so irritating holy fuck. I just don’t like being yelled at and i can just see a system going on like my dad yelled at me coz he thought I didn’t do something because when he walked in my mum was doing it AGAIN, and I was like no I did it lol, and then I still get screamed at and made feel like shit and it’s not like my mum would be on my side and say ‘no I’m just doing it again because we’re about to have visitors’ and she’s crazy fkn ODC but whatever. It’s my fault, and now I leave everything for my mum to just do herself apparently, walking around saying ‘ugh I’ll just do it myself’ like what do you mean I’ve been doing the house all morning the house was not a mess when you walked in, you didn’t complain about a messy house you just did what you always do and clean bc your anxious. I’m on the verge of tears bc of this shit holy fuck man, I’ve got a whole ass frog in my throat over some silly ass trigger, it’s so stupid. The feeling I feel when I’m getting attacked by my parents is ummmm….. I don’t know. Lol. It’s like I’m 16 again with no rights lol. I know it’s something so small, but it effects me, but because it effects only me, I should only really be dealing with these issues by myself, so I never let it out towards them and I keep it chill on the outside, but that causes me to freeze. So now I need to figure out a way to deal with it without taking it out on myself and feeling the guilt and anxiety to an extreme, I guess the answer is to write ✍️ I guess the answer for everything lately has been to write, my mum is hoping that by me expressing my feelings and shit thru a blog might help someone else who is feeling so much alone.

I’m happy now, I have a full vape, a clean 50, and WORK tomorrow! I’m grateful I have been more open to phone calls, because that is what I can thank myself for being able to go to work tomorrow, I’m really excited, a lil anxious, maybe it’s just excitement, I’m ready, and I’m so excited for the other things this job is going to give me. As well as coming to the full acceptance of me being single for maybe the rest of my life, I’m excited to see my life in my career, in my study in my work. I’ve been love lead for my entire life, but my version of love is unobtainable, instead I can find ways to give it to myself, since I have the power of the source. I’m ready to get rich, or die trying.

i was so excited… coming back into the music world, to start writing again producing just fan having that feeling of making amazing shit that you really love like, I love that sahit, when I came to the not pad however my rhymes were so whack literally like I was blank. I just gotta keep that ball rolling coz this verse I’m tweaking now is fun good shit cuz, its diff weirdly, and thats all goods coz it sounds gangsta, and I love it.

The version of myself I want to step into, has her routine and positive attitude and goals and is sorted absolutely content and happy with the over flowing of money in my bank account, good coping mechanism and the space to relax and appreciate every single moment and what it ultimately brings me (my manifestations) I am it already, the independence , the growth, the knowledge.

I need balance other wise I get burnt out. By healing I’m hoping to get better and better every day, and I know there’s milestones in healing and those are what I’m trying to accomplish so I can live my most free life. Focus on the journey… not the outcome, okay, so that’s what I’m trying to do right now…… focus on the journey, not the outcome, have faith that the outcome will be the best outcome possible for my journey and I let it go into the universe, while I focus on the journey.

Do I just have to not scratch that itch to check if my ex messaged me? Is that literally all I need to do? Okay I guess :)

I have come to realise I need to balance my material and emotional lives, I’m unhinged, lol, I don’t think I actually am I just felt like that was the right word, so maybe I am right.

I sometimes think if someone else can’t do it for me, I can’t do it for myself either, is that a self worth issue? Or am I scared of being judged for doing something first? That way of thinking wastes so many opportunities and ways of life.

#blogging #new blog #mental health #actually bipolar #actually borderline #mental instability #actually bpd #original post #original writing #original words #bipolar

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