#absolutely desperate rn

[chonnyjashh]

Okay but I really do need attention right now where the fuck did everyone go?

#attention wh0r3 #look at me #where did everyone go #why am i alone rn #pay attention to me #give me attention #lonely #sadge #big sadge #i need snuggles #im so lonely #pls #gimme attention #needy #literally just a little guy #absolutely desperate rn #id give anything for Fjord to come back online he brings me literally so much god damn joy and idk how to tell him without sounding gross #he genuinely makes me so happy but i cant let myself complicate things bc if he ever realized how much he means to me hed probably leave #he said i make him feel something but he has no clue how much “something” he makes me feel. its pathetic tbh. #hed probably hate me so im keeping it to myself as much as humanly possible. i cant risk losing him over stupid stuff like this. #its probably a trauma bond anyways

[killerpixel]

Fanfiction and fanart is not enough anymore, I need to soak in this ship and absorb every ounce of it into my existence in order to survive

#i am absolutely desperate for more content rn send help #securitywaiter #mike x ness #ness x mike #dreamtheory

[factorialsotherfandoms]

bagi and empanada, baking

archivists, late night

bonus: arthur and joui, cooking

archivists time! I wanted them to talk, but neither was willing, so...

It is 11pm, and Cellbit should be asleep. Richarlyson is tucked up safe and sound and the night is dark, and yet he cannot manage it. Every time he closes his eyes blood soaks his hands, his arms, his teeth - the sulfur of purgatory, the sins of egg island, the horrors of their past...

In the end he gives up.

Making sure his son and husband are still asleep, he leaves a note on the door and heads out. His home is surrounded now in trees both purple and black, from the hill to the water's edge.

With no real intent he wanders, watching the black sky, feeling the wind on his face - he is not there, he is not there, see the moon is pale and there is nothing on your face...

The further north one heads, pink trees start to appear as the black ones fade out. It is at the centre of this transition, where pink, purple, and black sit in perfect balance, that two paths intersect.

Thanks to Philza's efforts, this part of the island is well lit; Cellbit does not carry a torch, and neither does the man just coming into sight around a pink tree.

There is something dark in Philza's hand.

It vanishes before Cellbit can work out what it is, the man raising his hand to wave, "hey Cellbit!"

"Hi Phil!" he calls back.

They meet in the middle, unsure what else to say; Cellbit came out to clear his head, but now he is here...

"Long night?" Philza eventually asks, angle of his head a little sharp to be truly casual.

"Yeah," Cellbit replies with a long sigh. "I just..."

Just what? Cellbit isn't even sure if he should be here.

"Just?" Philza asks.

Cellbit shrugs, not wanting... He doesn't want the disappointed looks, the judgement, the stares. He knows that last time he told Philza all he received was amusement, but Philza is good and Cellbit is... decidedly not. He does not know how long their compromise lasts, and neither does he know what happens when it breaks.

They stand there in awkward silence for long minutes

Eventually Philza breaks it. "Chayanne was baking earlier, if you fancy cake? It's damn good. We can sit out on my fishing dock, or I can just send you home with some."

"That sounds great," Cellbit does not even think about the reply, just lets himself be led through the softer coloured forest and towards the blazing light.

Not wanting his children woken, Philza instructs Cellbit to wait on the fishing-dock settee while he goes to find it.

Cellbit does, and he breathes, and he watches the waves. Across the shoreline Bagi's lights flicker on, and off again, barely perceptible against the bright light guiding all in to Philza's house and the safety of it.

It is only because it is so quiet that Cellbit hears the gentle opening and closing of the doors. He turns, and sees Philza not with plates, but a tray - two bowls, two forks, and two hot mugs.

Cellbit receives one of each, Philza taking his own share after he sits.

Quietly he eats, and then brings up the mug - coffee, to Philza's hot chocolate - and sips at it. Under Philza's light and with company, a little of the tension slips away.

It's okay, it's okay, he can always try again.

There's a flicker of something black and purple in Philza's hand once again. This time Cellbit nearly catches it, but it is quickly shuffled away.

He stares at Philza's hand, and wants to ask.

Philza stares at the new scars on his hands, and Cellbit does not want to be asked in turn.

Instead they quietly drink, letting the night slip away.

It's better, like this, with someone there. The world is just as dark and his sins are just as great, but it feels almost like the blood on his hands burns away in the light.

... Philza is really, really quiet - pensive, almost, and definitely distracted - but, then, Cellbit is too.

It is late, and they are tired, maybe that is to be expected.

When their cups are long empty and they merely sit for companionship beneath the stars, Philza opens his mouth as if to speak.

And then, he closes it again.

"Phil?" Cellbit asks.

Philza shakes his head, goes quiet, but then... "Can you promise me something?"

Cellbit hates the sound of that, but answers "what is it?"

"If I disappear, don't come looking for me."

He wants to object, to intervene - he has put aside the mysteries, yes, but Cellbit would never just abandon a friend!

"I'm serious. I'll work it out, just..." a sigh. "If I vanish, just look after Chayanne and Tallulah, okay?"

"Okay?" Cellbit might have babysat them before, but he has no idea why he is trusted with them even now.

Maybe Philza is just asking everyone, maybe this is just inspired by the new spate of disappearances - and deaths - of late, but... But that does not explain why the tension in Philza's frame relaxes as soon as Cellbit agrees.

"Thanks mate," Philza whispers, something quiet and very genuine in his voice. "It's... hard to know who to trust, sometimes. Fit's also agreed, but you know what it's like. With Tubbo gone and Niki not here as often... They're good kids, they're such fucking good kids, but I know two more is a lot to ask of someone."

To be compared to the children's godparents and Philza's longest friend, to be denoted as trusted... Cellbit wants to scream that Philza shouldn't touch him, that he ruins everything he touches, that he relapses again and again and someday he will not be able to claw his way back out. He wants to beg for a reason, to know why he is trusted even now, even after all he has done, how Philza can possibly believe in him enough to offer not just information but his /children/.

He doesn't.

Instead, he asks, "does this have anything to do with the nether block that keeps appearing in your hand?"

Philza freezes, then sighs, then shows Cellbit a piece of crying obsidian.

It's answer enough, as Philza throws it into the see.

"Keeps appearing in my inventory," Philza says. "There's someone... in my past. It's his calling card. He could kill us all in a heartbeat, but the only one he wants is me."

Cellbit's instinct is to push, but... but he sees Philza's expression shutter, and he is tired, and he has promised himself to stop exploring mysteries, and he knows more than a few things about trying to outrun a past that chases you.

There is no way in Nether that Philza's past is as dark as his own - Philza is good, and Cellbit is categorically not - but...

"In purgatory, there was a man I once killed," Cellbit says, instead, a secret for a secret. "He wasn't even the target I was given, this time, but I still killed him again. The blood..."

Somewhat awkwardly, Philza puts an arm around Cellbit's shoulder, and tugs him to his side.

"You were being used," Philza says, no uncertainty in his voice. "That eye fucker was using you, fucking with you. People die, Cellbit, to zombies and to nukes and to knives and to stupid ass bets, they die all the fucking time. You killed someone? Half of us fucks have killed someone, and the other half are lying about it. Some of us have even died before; you're fine, mate. You know you fucked up - and I'm proud you realised that."

Proud at him for realising murder is bad? If Philza wasn't quite so bad at lying, Cellbit would think it insincere.

As it is, though...

Cellbit isn't sure he can believe him, but he turns his face into Philza's shoulder.

"Won't your husband miss you tonight?" Philza asks.

"He sleeps like a rock," Cellbit replies. "Don't wanna walk back."

A deep breath from them both.

"Okay," Philza mutters, as he exhales. "I guess... Yeah, that's fine. I think. You're good. We're okay. Good chat - good night."

Whatever tension is left slowly breaks, pressed against the shore with each wave that laps at the sand. Cellbit watches it, stealing warmth from Philza even as warmth is stolen from him, until he finally falls asleep.

And, when morning comes, it comes with blankets not there last night draped over the pair, and three worried-angry children pouting at their feet.

#qsmp fanfic #qsmp archivists #qsmp philza #qsmp cellbit #angst #fluff #idfk at this point #man this is so much funnier with both povs #because phil is just as desperate as cellbit rn #and is absolutely taking comfort from his reliable just wants to help can be trusted buddy #just... doesn't want to endanger people with info #fun times! #or not #who knows

[hungerpunch]

i love how every single month, around the same time, i think something cataclysmic is happening to my mental health and then i realize it's my period. so i probably don't need to be researching like, ketamine clinics, bc i'm fine. every single month this happens. like clockwork, i am gripped by panic over how depressed i suddenly feel. it's routine! and yet i never fucking remember that.

#i mean also life is rough rn for me but like. i'm not going off the absolute deep end. it's just hormones. #also do you even understand how fucking wicked it is that my period makes me sad enough that i start like #desperately missing my dad. like how fucked up is that. quit masquerading as my GRIEF you bitch ass punk ass reproductive system #god maybe i should just get this shit taken out of my body. #the kvetching department #pms #mental health #idk sorry. kms

[thychesters]

revisiting the reincarnation au but it’s snippets of zoro’s pov.

zoro, who turns around in the middle of a cafe to find a complete stranger beaming at him, expectant, and he has no idea who he is. there’s a nagging sensation in the back of his mind because he seems familiar, almost, in a way some people are when they have the same morning commute, or one of the parents of a kid in another class, who he sees every wednesday night but doesn’t think much of. except this guy smiles and expects him to say something in return, and then zoro says do i know you? and he’s never seen the kind of hurt that flickers across his eyes and he immediately wants to apologize.

and then an hour later this same guy is standing in the doorway to his bedroom, asking him if he likes movies, if he likes those really bad horror movies that perona first got him as a joke but then she keeps adding to his collection, and he says sure. and this guy—luffy, his name is luffy, and something in his chest, in the fiber of his very being, says that’s right—is grabbing his wrist and writing on his arm, and the curl of fingers is a phantom sensation that lingers for days afterwards. it leaves zoro wanting to reach out, wanting to touch, because do i know you? i swear i do. i want to. but he doesn’t remember why.

#cackling because the reincarnation au was basically luffy pining but also just. desperately wanting his nakama to remember him #and themselves #reincarnated zolu wondering how many times they’ve found one another before and knowing they’re going to find one another again #zoro said ‘this guy’s friend stole my wallet and then asked me out so i said absolutely’ #and kuina said ‘awesome. if you die can i burn all of your stuff?’ #zolu #brainrot that’s me rn i guess! hurray! #kate blabs

[vegaseatsass]

I was describing DFF to a friend from CQL fandom and she said New with Non sounded kind of like Huaisang with Mingjue, and it def clarified a lot for me about how I feel about both avenging brothers.

The ends don't justify the means, the cats and children and working class servants murdered along the way aren't erasable casualties in the name of a true justice, and these avengers are fundamentally unhinged, twisted, broken people, not righteous seekers of fairness in the world. But I love that both of them are driven by real desperation and are frantic and messy in how much they need to make their revenge happen at any cost; someone trying to burn the world down in their grief, and actually taking the good parts of the world and themselves down along with their target(s), adds so much texture and dimension to the narrative for me.

I love a justice story and an ethical revenge, but for example w/ The Glory, even though that's for me the best it's ever been done, we still have things like a woman being victim-blamed for her rape and drug addiction as narratively acceptable modes of vengeance. I find something freeing in a story that isn't about punishment and who deserves what, but just about the emotional depths people are driven to by loss and rage and the unfairness of a world with no accountability.

#i hope that makes sense i should not be on the computer rn #like it's not just that it's a tragedy and no one wins or something #i'm deeply sympathetic to huaisang and new - honestly they rip my HEART out #but it doesn't mean i think they're making all or even mostly righteous choices #it's similar to how i feel about ter from 3 will be free when he goes around murdering all my favorite side characters #sometimes the wrongness and cruelty of who they hurt for their revenge makes it more honest for me #than if they actually managed to stay within lines of presumable fairness #and also like i said i love the desperation and franticness #huaisang was not murdering cats because he decided the cats had it coming #he was trying to stay one step ahead of a brilliant+ruthless master strategist and making absolutely bugfuck choices in the name of that #i wonder how new was supporting himself and his DRUG LABORATORY after he stopped getting that allowance #did he at some point leave school like tee did and just work during the day and do revenge chemistry at night #i'll never stop thinking about how alone he was this entire time too #men will literally spend years refining a murder hallucinogen instead of go to therapy #dead friend forever #dff #new prathipsit #mdzs #nie huaisang #dear diary

[dizzybizz]

im so delighted that yall like my little guy ass farmer.... he is so very special to me!!!!!!! >:D

#feel free to send asks a #about. him #actually pls do. i would be absolutely delighted if u did #stardew valley #sdv #guyssailawayfarm #im like kinda delirious rn ngl.. got kikmmm #SHIT. #4h of sleep n now im listening to the full version of ponyo on the cliff by the sea on repeat again and thinking about stardew #and trying desperately to remember the weird dream i had that involved it..... i feel like i only remember two visuals of it. barely at that

[airenyah]

so i finally got to yank-kiss-yeet with my mom and when zo just leaves joke hanging after calling joke his boyfriend my mom (and me too actually) were already cracking up about it and then the scene continues and then the door opens and zo yanks joke inside and my mom laughs in surprise and goes "ahahah nice!!" and then they're kissing and my mom is like "that's a beautiful kissing scene. yeah, i get it now" and then zo yeets joke back out the door and we're laughing even harder and just continue to laugh all the way until the credits roll

#she's saying ''i get it now'' bc for weekes i kept mentioning how i desperately needed to watch a specific scene with her #bc it's one of the best and the absolute funniest kiss scene i've ever seen #i didn't spoil it. i just told her multiple times that it was a good and hilarious scene #and then my mom finally got to experience it and now she finally understands!!!!!! #the scene ended and my mom immediately went: ''we gotta rewatch this scene!!!!!'' #there is a REASON why i've been stuck in that hallway for the past 6 months and now my mom finally gets me #airenyah plappert #mama schaut adrm #mama schaut hidden agenda #hidden agenda #ha ep7 #adrm #(i actually have a voice recording of it bc i've been recording all our discussions just in case i ever wanna do sth with it jkkjdfg) #(she's not home rn but i might share the audio if she gives me permission to do so) #(i mean... it'll be a video bc we're speaking german and so i need to translate it) #(and that way i can also add the og scene so it's easier to see what we're reacting too kskjss) #(anyway yeah. guess i WON'T be studying for my exams in march rip)

[rapidhighway]

#auauhg im struggling so baddd with food today im not even craving anything i actually dont really feel tempted by anything we have in the #fridge but i still feel this pressure to eat and its so bad TOT #like since i finished breakfast my bodys just been desperate to constantly munch on something #and ive been soo brave and i just ate normally and i went for a walk and i drank water and i did everything #but man its not going away at all TOT like its 6pm rn the evening is going to be absolutely horrible for me #cw food #food mention

[lycan-mutt]

balls

#as in: “horny as ___” #something about waking up in the morning absolutely fucking starving with nothing to do. im hung up rn. #desperately need someone to stuff me full tho . desperately #lycan rambles

[perfectly-clear-from-here]

bordering on the 10,000 word mark for chapter 4 of inhaler- feeling- feeling alot of things rn-

#WHAT HAS BECOME OF THIS #ahk well i guess these things just happen when you work on something for literally a whole SEASON #summer has came and gone and im still giving my laptop the absolute evils trying to finish this thing #perfectlyclearfromhere ladies and gentlemen. the slowest writer you’ll ever know 🙏 #I CANT SPLIT IT IN HALF THE START AND THE END ARE SO ESSENTIAL TO EACHOTHER GOD WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF 😭 #(my english folio essay that i desperately also need to complete side eyeing me rn 👀) #anyway. you lot are not ready. I DONT THINK IM EVEN READY FOR WHEN THIS THING DECIDES TO BE FINISHED- #inhaler #milex fic #my fic #writing problems #fic writing

[the-kipsabian]

hi i havent really posted anything over there in a while and i dont feel like ive created anything ive really liked and writing in general is a chore i just. cant find myself to get really excited about right now

but i have fics over at @underratedandoverit or over on ao3

#idk usually posting this doesnt do me any favors but im just kinda sad and desperate tonight about stuff and especially making it so like #for what its worth. heres my fics #if you could at least consider reading something. please. i would really appreciate it ;; #depression has just been having a real good hold of me and while i do a lot of thinking and stuff just making anything or feeling good about #them is just. really fucking difficult rn #and it doesnt help that the reach of my stuff just keep decreasing with every fic. like i dont blame anyone i know its my fault but like #yeah. idk. again if someone could just at least look at something that would be nice ;; #night is an absolute mess on main

[rintoki]

so.... milking kaveh dry huh :3c

everyone else look away this is for nine only

NINEIFBEKGKSJFKBD THIS RUINNEDDDD MEEEEE WHY SOYLD U ASK ME YHISDCSSSS I NEED HIM ASTRONOMICALLY CARNALLY BIBLICALLY OMFFFFMY FUCKINGGG GODDDD PLSSSSSSDSS I CANT EEVNNNNE CHEWING ON THE BSRD OF MY ENCLOSEURRRR

I WANT TO CHEW HIM UP AND SUCK HIM DRY LIEK S LOLLIPOP FMDVCD BRRBRRRRRRRAAAHGGGGGGVVB THE WAY I WANTTTHIMKFK NINNEEEE IVE NEVER WANTED DICKIN MY LIFEREEEEE THIS IS SOOO SOSICKKKKKE I NEED TO RIDE HIM STUPIDD IDCCCCC NEED HIM GRIPPING ME LIKE HIS LIFE DEPENDS ONITTTTTTTT RNNNNNN I WANNA FEELHIM TWITCHING SND HIS CUTE FACE WITH UIS CHEEKS ALL FLUSHERDDDKFNDKFNDLCK FFAARRKRKINFKFNFND

#need him to fuck me bc i know he’d be so desperate and cute #hugging me tightly and whining while going crazy thrusting #absolutely feral rn #my period just ended #can u tell #moots ; nine ! #took me 4 business days to answer this bc #i was trying to think of how to answer this in a normal way #clearly i failed #like i can’t #i cant #i don’t even

[kawaii-kushami]

ts/ukishima snz

#kk.txt #just rolling it around in my brain. getting desperate for t/suki snz but too tired to make my own rn #friend was talking abt ts/uki sickfic and god we need at least a vanilla one so bad that man would absolutely work himself to the point of #passing out #he needs someone to come in and care for him and he wouldn't know how to rest or be cared for but he'd have to learn but he wouldn't like it #hed be so embarrassed and uncomfortable being so 'useless' #but he couldn't help it his body has been worked to the point of exhaustion and

[snallavanta]

oh whoever came up with this idea of them designing something for their fans is a genius because i am SOLD

#seventeen #hoshi #TAMTAM? ARE YOU KIDDING HE’S THE CUTEST THING EVER #AND THE LIL GUY WHICH YOU CAN TAKE OFF HIS HAMSTER OUTFIT #GIVE THEM TO ME RN #also the way they proportioned the plushies to fit his hand and torso 🫣🫣🫣 #i am sold. this is marketing genius. it’s definitely working on me #do i even need a tiger wearing a hamster outfit plushie? no. but do i desperately want one? absolutely. #Youtube

[writhe]

-

#ok now i’m just complaining but money is so tight it sucks i have so much i need to do #and i’ve had such a fun month and have a fun week ahead but it’s like summer is barreling forward and i’m looking over a cliff’s edge #of uncertainty. and it is absolutely imperative i have stable housing by dec - jan #if i end up being able to more or less couch surf and pay very little through the fall i could maybe rent an airbnb for 2 months in winter #or like. a month #i want to keep considering buying a house but i need to save more money first & i don’t want to scramble into that choice desperately #but there’s no reliable way to predict what’s will be available #i don’t think a choice you make backed into a corner is an actual choice yknow #also i owe a friend like 250 bucks rn bc we planned a bday trip and like 2/3rds of the group bailed and i’m just like. ah!!! #i almost made a doctors appointment earlier in the summer and i’m glad i didn’t at this point