#actually one of my sisters... i know she traumatized me but its so hard for me to blame her

[caffeinatedopossum]

I know I shouldn't be talking to a person that makes me feel like I'm gonna throw up whenever I see they texted me but idk how to just ignore them. Everytime I try to think of something she did that was bad enough to deserve this ("this" being me not talking to her), I feel like there's nothing there

#not about any one here #actually one of my sisters... i know she traumatized me but its so hard for me to blame her #i feel like i deserved every last thing she did. maybe just because i couldn't stop it... idk #i would never say anyone else deserved it. but i would with me #and thats how i know im wrong. im not special... im not worse than other people #all of us have things outside our control #i just get reminded of a lot more than most people i think #im so tired of thinking about her. im so tired of wanting to forgive her #but i dont know how to stop. i loved her so much #it feels like torture everytime she reminds me

[ye-local-simp]

Hello, I am the one requesting a Toph reader, I love it. If it's not too much trouble, can I make another request? But if that's too much, you can ignore my request of course ^^ May I ask how the leaders would react if the reader told them about his life when he lived in Zaun? (From the Arcane series) It would be after the overblot when there is already trust between them.

History. (Sorry for the spoiler if you didn't see Arcane): After the Zaunite uprising against the Piltovians and ending up losing, leaving several dead, Reader is orphaned as a child but is adopted by Vander, she is an adoptive sister and friend of Vi, Powder, Milo and Clagor, and also from Ekko. … The reader is the same age as Vi in the first act (14 or 16)… after the incident and with the death of Clagor, Mylo and Vander. The reader falls into some garbage bags and before losing consciousness sees Vi being arrested by a Piltover soldier and Silco approaching Powder with his companions, only to pass out and have a strange dream that takes her to the world of the twisted country of the wonders. Sorry if it's too much, but I was excited about the idea, but like I said, you can ignore the request if it's problematic.

Don't worry about it being too much! I actually enjoy answering requests as long as they are appropriate for me! Also sorry but I only do 5 characters now so I will just write for the first 5 dorm leaders in the order of the Game sequence. Another thing is the pronouns you are using, since you are using he pronouns, i will assume that its a male reader. By the way, you can be honest with me and change the details of this request if it isnt up to your standards! I really don't mind!😊😊

[S/o telling the dorm leaders about their life in

Zaun]

[RIDDLE,LEONA,AZUL,KALIM,VIL]

Riddle:

-Feels super guilty after hearing your backstory.

-Especially after hurting you from his overblot.

-Even though Riddle had a hard life himself and was basically told what to do and what to say by his very controlling mother, he could never imagine a life without his mother.

-And knowing that you didn't have parents anymore made him feel a bit more grateful of his life.

-Riddle isn't dumb and is actually aware that not everyone is financially fortunate like the royalty, but the fact that it was you who also lived this kind of life made it more upsetting.

Leona:

-He also knows poverty very well because of Ruggie.

-Even though he may come across as cold,he does have a soft spot for you.

-But he is a lot softer with you since your past seems to be way too traumatic for someone like you.

-His magicless herbivore.

-He might even give up a few naps to make sure you are comfortable and protected (by yours truly of course).

-Mostly because he felt responsible for your wellbeing after his overblot.

-He would also just give you money so you can live life a bit more comfortably that you used to.

Azul:

-As a capitalist, he already is 100% aware of poverty but he does get really upset when he finds out that you lived in a similar circumstance.

-Plus you were orphaned at an age like that, he just couldnt imagine having a life without his mother so to hear your trauma does make him feel deep sympathy.

-On top of that, he hurted you during his Overblot which probably just added to your trauma which he knows is definitely not very benevolent.

-But he does step up.

-As in, he will treat you very greatly and make sure that you are always comfortable and would even give up some money for you.

-He will probably ask for permission to take you out of campus to meet his mother since he figured that if you are family to him, then the two of the people he loves should meet.

-He would even ask the Tweels to also act as your bodyguards too.

Kalim:

-He is clueless but at the same time really sympathetic for you.

-Let alone it being a very close friend and maybe even a love interest.

-He never realised that there were actually places and people that really suffer from problems like being orphaned and poverty because he was always so rich.

-(Mostly since Jamil and his family filtered that out for him).

-He would definitely try hard to make you feel like you a part of something and is always happy to financially help whether it is important or not.

-He just wants to share the luxury that he grew up with, with you.

Vil:

-Even though he technically didn't overblot, he did feel responsible for the pain the overblot caused you since he was so blind with Jamil and felt like he didn't try hard enough to defend you at that time.

-He's speechless.

-Mostly because he doesnt know how to respond and he feels super guilty since he even attacked you during his overblot.

-He had always lived in a comfortable life so to hear that you lived in such a conflicted city made him see you pretty much differently.

-He wants to protect you of his own free will.

-He has to thank you since you sharing you life experience was such an eye opener to him.

-You were orphaned at an age where you were meant to have enjoyed your youth a lot more while he still had his dad.

-Now he is bent on giving you a luxurious life so expect him to treat you like a king.

P.S. To the person who requested this I decided to not write about the part where the reader falls on the garbage bags because it was difficult for more to write as a person who hasnt watched Arcane, so my understanding of the concept and characters are really bad. But i decided to write about the difficult life in Zaun. I hope this is okay with you!!

#twisted wonderland #twst #twisted wonderland x reader #twst x reader #twisted wonderland fluff #twst fluff #twst scenarios #twst headcanons #dorm leaders x reader

[veliseraptor]

WIP meme: let the foxes fight ?

I have to ask about DoL fic but if I can do two I am 👀 beholding the "original fiction- ex villains project" also

i'll allow it (she said officiously and entirely non-seriously)

so let the foxes fight is one that I think I referenced relatively recently as one of my fics that's like...this feels relevant to only my interests, probably, and would not exactly be a Hit even if anything in doctrine of labyrinths fandom could be described as a Hit (considering its size). the premise is basically "mildmay finds himself back in time before felix gets picked up by malkar, and takes it upon himself to rescue a traumatized older-younger brother from the brothel he's stuck in, and then is like 'okay but what do i do with him now' because as much as mildmay i think likes kids and knows from trauma this is not exactly a situation he was/is prepared to deal with.

i also don't really know where this is going, which is part of why this one has been sitting unfinished on my hard drive for literal years. part of my policy of "oooh I have an idea, let me just start writing it and see what happens" and then a couple thousand words in I run into a wall.

I exhaled hard trying to think what to say and finally just said, “I ain’t mad.” He gave me that real careful sideways look. “You ain’t,” he said slowly. I shook my head and he unwound a little, maybe, so I guess he might be buying my story about being a long-lost relative. That was a kept-thief fairytale right there. Felix was a little old for those now but I guess you never really grew out of wanting. “Yeah,” I said. “Like I said. I just want to help.” He relaxed a little more, and nodded, barely. “Okay,” he said, and gave me this little nervous smile, and it looked like the ones he’d given me sometimes when he was crazy and scared but glad I was there just the same, and sure as fuck felt like someone had my heart in their fist and was squeezing.

and then there's the ex-villain story which is probably my main squeeze as far as original fiction goes right now even if I've been stalled for a while because Worldbuilding Is My Nemesis and I need to do kind of a lot of it. this one was born out of my redemption equals death bugbear and how I love stories about people who have done awful things who then have to try to live with them, especially when they don't really want to live with them but they're kind of stuck with it. so my main character (kazem, @portraitoftheoddity actually made art of him here) is basically the Dark Lord of his world (or, well, he was, up until the local hero managed to beat him/talk him into beating himself) and the story takes place three years later when he is in a depression pit with no idea what to do with himself. also featuring:

a very angry mess of a woman whose sister died as a result of kazem's bad stuff;

another very angry woman who's my main antagonist because of some stuff in the hero's past (because i'm obsessed with hero figures who create their own villains) but i'm going to have a really hard time not rehabilitating her (only my problem is that she would rather die than give up on revenge, so);

said hero character who is basically acting as kazem's sponsor but is more of a fuckup than he looks at first blush;

and I really like it in concept and what I have so far in execution (again, a couple thousand words) but Worldbuilding, My Nemesis keeps getting in my way.

anyway, a snippet:

On the third anniversary of his defeat, Kazem didn’t get out of bed. The first year he’d stayed out of the way of the celebrations out of a sense of propriety and because of the fact that he was still coughing up blood every time he tried standing for longer than thirty seconds at a time. The second year he tried attending, thinking that he should pay his respects, show some sort of regret or remorse or...something.  He’d nearly gotten himself hanged.  So the third year, he woke up in the morning and stared at the ceiling, and made the very deliberate decision that today he was just going to...not. The sound of the celebrations outside drifted through the window of his dismal current abode, and he tried to shut it out. He was vaguely aware that he was indulging in self pity, but could not quite bring himself to care.  He could stay here feeling sorry for himself for the next three days if he damn well wanted to. 

#conversating #woobifiedvillain #lise memes #confessions of a frustrated writer #the ex villain project

[paperclip7805]

{Massive Toh s3 Spoilers}

This is just gonna be a diary of my thoughts before and well watching the special, get ready for me to fucking lose it.

Kings tide, and so it begins😀

We’re only on kings tide and I’m already crying cause eda kissed hootys head. I totally forgot that happened and I’m gonna lose it

I FORGOT HOW STRESSFUL KINGS TIDE IS IM NOT OKAY

I’m sorry but hooty in a ball is so funny, like, I wanna know how long he actully is.

Imagine if Luz actually got petrified, like she literally almost died. What would have the hexside squad and every one done.

Her almost getting petrified must have been so painful, remember how painful it was when Eda was almost petrified.

Tera turning to rain and asking “Raine? Belos is giving us paradise right?” Will always be a heartbreakingly good line. I get chills every time.

AMITY HAVING TO LEAVE HER DAD HAS ME IN TEARS AGAIN I CANT DO THIS

RUN LUZ RUN

YES HEXSIDE SWUAD IS HERE

willow is so powerful I love her

King looked like a bowling ball because of the way he fell down the stairs.

I forgot that Gus saw everything from hollow mind, is he gonna bring it up to luz and Hunter at all?

Ew, I didn’t know that they have earwigs on the boiling isles. I can’t escape earwigs

THERE ARE SO MANY GOLDEN GUARD CORPUSES:(

I love how amity and Luz protect eachother they are literally goals

OMG RAINE I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE OKAY

YES THE COLLECTORS THEME IS SO GOOD

the collector low key fucked Belos up lmao. I forgot how terrifying they are.

I still love the collector and his little “okay!:) boop:)”

Omg the collector is so cool, I feel like he would be an iPad kid

“I’m so happy I had you as a big sister” IM FUCKING WRECKED YOU DONT EVEN UNDERSTAND

Gus’s little cry I can’t do this.

Okay now thanks to them

I’m so fucking terrified

Amity with the tea omgit’s adorable, I need camila needs to teach her how to cook

Hunter really went “they won’t hate you, they’ll hate us:)”

AMITY AND LUZ ARE SO CUTE W THE BANDAID

BELOS NEEDS TO GET HUS UGLY ASS OUTTA HERE

Gus is so cute ONG but he needs to stop breaking stuff

LMAO CAMILA WAS LIKE “WTF” when Hunter knelt in-front of her

LUZ AND HER DAD ON THE WALL I CANT DEAL WITH THAT:(

LUMITY STUDIOS PRESENTS LMAO SHES SUCH A NERD

Amity leaving out odalia as she should on the family picture.

Huntlow is adorable

Gus you silly goose

LUMITY IN THE RAIN MY FANFIC DREAMS ARE COMING TRUE

I’m just waiting for something absolutely traumatic to happen and then Disney is like “BUY A BARBIE DREAM CLOSET”

THEIR ALL LEARNING SPANISH ONG

HOTTY ON THE DOOR THEY MISS HIM:(

Omg it’s duolingo

HUNTER IS SO BAD AT SOANISH

OMG THEY ARE TRYING TO HELP WITH THE HOUSE WORK

Amity you loser, she just ate shit

A MAP?!?!

OMG HUNTER IS CRUSHING SO HARD

omg luz has a Fanny pack lmao

Poor luz omg:(

PICTURES OF EDA IN LUZS LOCKER:(

the kid with the gauged ears look so cool

CAMILA ASKING IF THEY NEED TO DRINK BLOOD

Hunter practicing his sewing skills

OMG HUNTER WITH THE WOLF SHIRT

Hunter is so happy:)

Oh no, now he’s so sad:(

amity, go check on ur girl

CAMILA LOVES THEM SO MUCH

“You don’t want luz to turn out like you did” no that’s so fucking mean

Luz is so adorable saying to give the parliaments a kiss

“Hedgehogs”🙄

HUNTER AND GUS OKG THAT IS SO ADORABLE

TEANSPORT WORM

NO HUNTER OMG I HOPE YOUR OKAY

WILLOW WHYD YOU POKE HIM

Amity at the library is so cute

Ew not the historical society freak I fucking hate him

OMG THE COOL PERSON IS NON-BINARY

OMG VEE BLUSHED AT THE COOL GOTH PERSON OMG

THE SCRAP BOOK IS SO CUTE:)

OMG I JUST NOTICED THE LESBIAN FLAG HEART

Vee is so cool and smart and I love her

Oh thank god Hunter is okay but he terrified, I would be too

OMG ITS EXATLY WHAT HE SAID DURING THE SELKIDAUMUS EPISODE

Not the basement wtf

WTF IS IN THERE

Oh thank god it’s just a possum

Omg hunters crying and I’m crying we’re twins

Why is Camilla so weird ab the comic?

Luz and amity are so cute with the costumes they just love eachother so much

ITS NOT UR FAULT LUZ

everybody is such nerds

GET UR FUGLY ASS OUT IF HERE BELOS

IS BELOS GONNA POSSES HUNTER NO OMG? IS flapjack gonna be okay

BELIS NEEDS TO LEAVE THIS POOR BOY ALONE

Hunter needs to go to sasha for therapy

THE REASON SHE READS AZURA IS BECAUSE OF HER DAD:(

OMG IT GOT IN THROUGH HUNTERS CUT

HUNTER NO ONG

IK that this is a very dramatic moment ad all but it’s funny to me that he put the wolf shirt on under the costume, he’s adorable I love him:)

FlapjackNO WTF

WAIT THAT WAS OWLBERT ON THE VILE

O MF THE ANIMATIONIT LOOKS LIKE A MILLION DOLLAR MOVIE

OMG FLAPJACK NO YOU CANT DO THIS

Fight him Hunter you can do this

OMG HUNTER PLEASE BE OKAY

flapjack:( this is so not okay I’m so not okay. I will never be okay again

CAMILA OMG I LOVE HER

Mama IN THE DEMON REALM

Hunter talking to flapjack:(

Good witch luzura:) that’s so cute

IMG vee I fucking love you

I’m not gonna be okay ever again

My cry count is like 7:)

#toh 3 #toh spoilers #the owl house season 3 #the owl house willow #the owl house hunter #the owl house amity #the owl house s3 #the owl house spoilers #toh belos #toh #toh season three

[cathyshifts]

just gonna post my experience here even tho no one asked

Okay whatever happened was so chaotic. It was a busy day, I went out with my parents since morning, then when I got home i took a nap at like 4pm, and i watched asmr, trying to sleep. I was in and out of sleep, i couldnt actually sleep tho, like i felt sleepy but i could only close my eyes and kept trying to count down so i would actually sleep. at first it was fine, then i would kind of yanked awake (lol i just said i couldnt sleep) a few times, and probably by the fourth or fifth times, i started feeling floaty, but then i started hearing my family outside, talking and doing chores because they have woken up, and i was like ugh im not gonna let them disturb me. So i affirm that i am capable of shifting to my dr, and nothing can stop me, i also said that bc i heard my sister’s footsteps close to my door and i thought she would open it, so i said that affirmation and was just, fuck it. and then i kind of feel myself rolled over (u know that feeling when ur soul and body feel separated?) and everything turned white. (okay so it was all so hazy i cant really tell what happened first. hmm but idk when this happened but there was a moment where i felt my body siting up, throw the blanket away from my body to get up or sth, then i feel my soul or sth just flopped down, lol like literally just flopped forward). So everything turned white? And i started to enter a dream, it wasnt a lucid dream, and idk why but i probably have some beef with Puss in boots or sth, but i legitimately forgot i was trying to shift for miguel and thought i was shifting for puss in boots instead💀 Also i have a friend in that dream, who were talking about shifting, idk who he was, but he was so handsome. Anywho, we started laughing as i finally remember that i shift for miguel, but i cant remember what we talked about tho? Like everything was so hazy yet so vivid??? but then he said sth like, why haven't u gone already? And im gone? Into another dream🙄 still, i think i landed in Nueva York 😟 Anywhoops, cant remember anything other than me finding miguel, and we hug, and i kept kissing him, kissing his neck, although my brain was trying really hard to picture his body lol, and he laughed and we hugged and kissing (god it was sooo weird bc my brain keep picturing my sister as she was the only person i have ever hugged daily💀) i felt happy, but bc i cant imagine well so its all so blurry too.

Anyway back to the dream, it kind of abruptly ended there, going into another place but still in the dream tho. So i was walking in the park, it was nighttime, and then i saw a girl holding a camera, shes filming sth, and then a boy in a wheelchair? and she was filming her, and he was going to a park bench and staying there. So they looked like they were laughing and having fun, until there were some group of bullies? Idk but they were real mean, and they started getting mad at what idk, but they started to get close to her, and she was too afraid so she was still filming them as she looked their way, and lol idk why but i picked up a bicycle near me and throw it on the nearest bully’s face (they were mostly teenagers lol) and then i grab her and try to swing my way out there, but idk i guess my brain forgot that im supposed to have superstrength so we kind of fall into a pit (it feels like we felt into a pit but it was just i couldnt carry her, there was no pit) and then it turned into a full dream, a thrilling, somewhat horror movie, i swing my way through the buildings and sth bad happened, and she still has the camera, so we were back at my apartment watching it and shivering and getting traumatized lol. Then i woke up (what a ride😻)

#reality shifter #shifting #shifting community #shifting motivation #atsv miguel

[mdhwrites]

The Most Impactful Story On My Writing

And I can't remember its name but I remember one reaction I had from it that has never really left me.

So first, I do remember the premise so let me set the scene. First: This was when I was just getting into manga as a tweenager, just into middle school, and my sister had a couple books in her room that she'd let me read. One of them was a Shoujo series about a witch getting stranded in our realm after leaving the magical realm and now she must deal with life and boys. During the introductory period, hijinks with her magic happened and then...

They just stopped. For like two whole volumes, you literally could not distinguish it from literally any other Shojo series set in the modern day. The theoretical hook was simply gone as she went through love triangle shenanigans. Then, suddenly, they're making this big deal about her potentially being forced to return to the magical realm and what that means and my reaction was "OH RIGHT! THIS BITCH HAD MAGIC!"

And that moment kind of hit hard for me. When I talk in my analysis about getting annoyed about something abandoning its premise or characters just forgetting who they were, I think this is where that core issue for me began. A moment where I was suddenly wrenched out of everything I was enjoying to go "Oh right! There was an actual concept behind this!"

And that definitely is also in my writing. I'm not going to claim to be perfect but as an example, I did a romcom where one character is a werewolf and it's really fluffy and cute... And yet the curse is still real. Pretty much every chapter has to do with the werewolf element in someway. It is still a CURSE, not just her having dog ears and a tail, even if in many chapters it's allowed to be that way for fluff. It is never left hanging for too long the reminder that I chose to make them a werewolf.

That book is Their Ruff Secrets btw and is my proudest work to this day, even if Crises Girlfriends is even more personal for me.

It by no means is the only one though. When I did monster girls, I made sure not to forget their claws and what they were. When I did traumatized, molded soldiers, they were constantly dealing with their training versus their reality as sudden civilians. Rich Witch is possibly to the point where it's so focused on these characters being nobles and what that means that it's a detriment as much as a plus, but I know I wouldn't really write it any other way because I would never want to feel like I'm just ignoring the premise. Hell, plans for that series include one character acting like they're trying to forget that they're a noble and the PROBLEMS that come with that.

And it all started with a fairly generic Shoujo manga that I can't even remember the name of.

#Writing #Personal

[moss-sprouted]

having childhood trauma but not the traditional kind based on what i could have is isolating, and sometimes feels like i dont have it That bad

like, im a child of divorce but my parents only legally married when i was like 6 and its not like they were ever really a married couple, and they both abandoned me before the idea of divorce could even affect me

and they did also abandon me but i never was in foster care, i was raised by my grandma but not adopted until i was 19-20, because they wouldnt sign the papers but i was still safe from them even if my grandmother isnt the best person

im not an orphan but ive never Really had parents, and the pity you get when you say no i dont have a mom and dad but its because they left me, is so weird compared to what ive witnessed when my other family members with deceased parents have gotten pity

and theres even some childhood trauma around csa but it wasnt like it was for most other people and its hard to know if it can even be traumatizing if it was with other kids and something i partook in, even if i was the one being exposed to it, and i still dont know if it can even be called csa, but it fundamentally affected my brain in a way that led to more actual sexual trauma

like, i will always have the traumatic experiences i do have, like witnessing my father be arrested, or trying to break down our sliding glass window, or my mom seeing me on the street after abandoning me at 8 and promising she'll come home and its not her fault, or her taking me when i was 5 from my grandmas house where i was happy after she had left with my sister, only for her to come back and have cops take me from my house to a shitty motel and then get on a plane very shortly after to move halfway across the country for a year and a half

but sometimes it still doesnt feel like that was That bad

and it feels silly to be so affected by it, especially when people in my family Do have some of the traumatic experiences that i didnt have or maybe "narrowly" missed

and i know its not a competition, but damn is it hard to not feel like im making a huge deal out of nothing

#personal #trauma #abuse #csa mention

[cheribaebee-blog]

50

I turned 50 this week. And, it's not that I'm not ALWAYS introspective, I definitely am... but I've been trying especially hard to really dig deep to try to figure out what's going on with me over the last handful of years. Over the last decade or so - I've become so much more complacent and melancholic than I can remember ever being before. I've always battled with depression, and that's always rearing its ugly head in the corners of my brain, but this last decade or so I've almost completely lacked the ability / desire to make proactive choices to better my life.

It's like I've stopped caring, I'm realizing. I don't know when or why, there's no one specific traumatic event I can pinpoint as THE defining moment, but at some point - it's like life just actually broke me.

Stephanie Kallos once wrote, "If someone were to autopsy her heart, they'd find traces of life, evidence of eons gone by. Times when she'd been able to feel and the feelings left imprints. Maybe her heart was wearing a cast. Maybe it wasn't sclerosed at all but atrophied, shrunken, and the cast enclosing it was scribbled over with stories written in a dead language. Was there any softness left in there? Any spot that was still unfired, unformed, unglazed? Was there access? Entry? A place still open to impression? No. Her heart was finished. It bore, perhaps, records of life, but it wasn't alive. Too late for decoration. Too late for effects. Further handling could only result in cracks and fractures. People could cut themselves on the edges of her heart, she was sure of it.”

I couldn't possibly better explain what the last decade has felt like.

I've never really felt like I fit in. Growing up, I was an awkward and anxious kid, hypervigilent of everyone & everything around me, thanks to "being raised" by an alcoholic/narcissistic/abusive stepfather and a ULTRA controlling bully/codependent/narcissistic mother. I was always the odd man out and can remember just feeling different from other people from a very young age.

By the time high school rolled around, I was the same awkward & anxious teenager - but I learned a lot in grade school & junior high about how to fit in better. Slowly but surely, I started gaining friends and going to parties and dances. I started drinking.

I became a notorious party girl. After HS and college, I could be found at bars & clubs Wednesday & Thursday nights with work friends and Friday & Saturday nights with 'outside of work' friends. I did alllllll the drugs.

My drug & alcohol use, however, was always a social thing. I wasn't doing drugs & drinking in the privacy of my home by myself. And this was how I continued to tell myself that there was zero problems with the ways I was choosing to live.

And I finally fit in with others!! For the first time in my young adult life, I had tons of friends and a full social calendar. Other than my daily hangovers, I felt on top of the world.

Outside of the last decade, my entire adult life has been spent creating friendships and relationships under this party girl persona. Of course I wasn't making good decisions in romantic partners - I grew up being shown and told just how little worth I had in this world.

I dealt with my inability to feel connected to others & my IMMENSE & SEVERE social anxiety (now I know - my neurodivergence) by drinking / partying & lowering my inhibitions/social anxiety enough to feel like I was *finally* connecting with other people. And 9x out of 10 - those people were not good for me & did not have good intentions or even care/consideration for me at all.

However shortly after turning 40 and having a heart wrenching fall out with my younger sister who'd become a raging/abusive alcoholic herself - I stopped drinking/drugging. I stopped going out at all.

I was so utterly destroyed by what my sibling relationship had turned into thanks to addiction/alcoholism that I just stopped all of it. (Other than THC - I'm not insane.)

I've spent the last decade soberly isolating from others. In some ways, I've healed. In others, I'm worse off.

I definitely miss feeling connected to other people, but thus far - sober me hasn't found that to be a successful venture. I find small talk painful - I have an extremely difficult time with pleasantries for pleasantries' sake. I feel like I'm probably a lot - awkward, anxious, always in my head, always over analyzing EVERY. SINGLE. WORD. and action - not just my own but everyone else's too.

I try to join in when coworkers are casually hanging out, but it just never feels natural. It almost amplifies my incessant desire to not be perceived at all by others. I question every eye movement, hand gesture, deeper inhale than normal, side glance at another coworker. I second guess even the most mundane of things I may have said... was that embarrassing? Did I talk too long, omg did that sound stupid? What if they took it wrong? God why am I so fucking inept???

It makes every interaction exasperatingly exhausting. It's what drinking helped to eliminate.

So what does that mean??? Do I need to go back to drinking & partying at 50 years old in order to feel like I belong in this world? I refuse to ever go back to that version of me - she served me well for a time (and not so well for others) but she is definitely not who I want to travel down this next period of the road with.

But I can't keep isolating either. I've become (even more) reclusive than ever before.

I need to figure out how to keep the awkward/anxiousness at bay without the use of drugs & alcohol while also feeling comfortable enough in my skin to authentically connect with others.

I need to learn to actually love myself.

I need to learn how to start caring again.

#depression #audhd #actually adhd #actually audhd #audhd problems #audhd things #anxiety #social anxiety

[pisces448]

im gonna try to type out what i can remember about my dream now that im in class and can’t pay attention to lecture

i joined some kind of all girls or girls majority group, like a cult or a school or coven or something. i was going to the classes and learning about the people and what the place was about (same school and neighborhood and house that i’ve always been dreaming of) i can’t remember any of the teachings but i know it was spiritual or occult in some way. i was still myself as i am IRL i was feeling antisocial and not wanting to talk to anyone or do anything. listening to one of the teachings i was hanging out with my friend brenden who was so skinny i felt his spine and i could basically wrap my fingers around it. I think there were like 2 or 3 boys there. the living quarters was all female. i remember i was about to leave the house with a little group of people and i decided to pull out my sketchbook to show people or to have people look at at their leisure. I looked through it and didn’t recognize any of the drawings. i went outside and we were standing by the cars and i suddenly saw a huge flash in the sky. like a meteor or a shooting star, but it started at the bottom of the sky line and moved up quickly, then sideways as it got smaller and then it zipped down and crashed into a commercial area. as it got smaller it looked like a jelly fish or something like that. and it was flashing pink and blue. when it crashed i was able to see it from afar (dream physics) and it looked like the Akira computer visualization but on its side and huge. i was so shocked i was unable to look away but also unable to fully understand what i was looking at.

there was a being with a strange form, like human but not quite because it was taller and seemed too ethereal and hard to comprehend. they came to the group i was standing with and they were emanating bright light and warmth, we were engulfed. we knew they were here to see one of us, it was something from the teachings of the group that we were experiencing first hand. i couldn’t tell right away but i could feel it. they selected one of the girls from the group, and they performed some kind of ritual together. the being produced a weird ball that looked like play doh and peeled “leaves” off of it. first they ate three green leaves, then they ate three yellow leaves. then some hand signals and i think a repeated phrase and then they both disappeared in a shimmery spiral. and we were all so excited and blow away, i think the vibe for all of us was just starstuck almost shocked and traumatized but in a positive way, like what we thought would happen actually happened.

we went back to the dorms and we were all really excited and busy with studying, cleaning, and talking to each other. i know we had to attend a class regarding what we had witnessed but i don’t remember much more past this point. the last thing i remember was a girl coming to my room and wanting to put her laundry in with mine. by this time we were all like sisters. she gestured to my laundry basket and i just said “mhm” and she added her clothes to my basket. i was too distracted looking into a box of needles and safety pins to look up at her, but i telepathically told her i appreciated how little we needed to talk. and then i woke up. i really wish i could have stayed, it reminded me so much of other cultish dreams i’ve had before and i only want to discover more. but alas none of it is real none of it happened and none of it could even possibly happen.

#really wish you could have been there to see it #it was so beautiful and like nothing you’ve ever seen before #and i want to go back

[troglobite]

lol whoops an aita video got me In My Feelings bc i felt ppl were being deeply unfair to the op in one of the stories

family stuff under the cut? i'm gonna keep it short bc i left a long comment and 2 replies on the video already lol

the story in its shortest form was this: op is 19 w 16 year old brother. 3 years prior their parents got divorced bc their dad cheated. their mom has remarried a man w 2 young daughter (13 and 9). op loves them. brother HATES them and says so frequently, saying they're not his family. he has "been grounded for 2 years basically" bc he never listens to stepdad. op said "if you don't consider stepsisters your sisters, then i'm no your sister either." she is away elsewhere at college & won't come home bc of the argument. brother has now left to live with biodad.

everyone is dogpiling op telling her she's an asshole, that ultimatums sucks, you can't control other people's feelings, experiences, or relationships.

and i'm feeling very upset bc while i think what she did sucks, i don't think ANYONE is an asshole here (w the possible caveat that their biodad is a giant asshole).

a quick list of the things that everyone is overlooking or forgetting

they automatically assumed stepdad was the one grounding & disciplining brother. are we just going to ignore that it could be THEIR MOM doing it bc she's upset at how angry he is?

they automatically assumed op was being really overtly vicious and unfair to her biodad (called him a cheating slimeball and her sperm donor), but that the brother hating the stepfamily automatically means they're being cruel to him

biodad's influence in this situation. are we really going to pretend that horrible dads will often use their sons as "confidantes" to try and justify their actions and turn the sons against their mothers and any other family members?

there is so much missing information in the story, partly bc op is so angry at her dad

op, her brother, and their mom are all DEEPLY traumatized by what happened, and it's RECENT, and it's really hard. they are ALL missing each other bc of their ongoing extreme pain.

relatedly, op is likely extremely in her feelings abt it bc as the oldest, and as a girl, she saw how badly her mom was hurt. in addition to however much op was hurt.

the brother was going to move back in w biodad anyway--they almost always do. what op did and said was just the justification he had clearly been waiting for to do it.

so that's what i've left in the comments.

bc my dad did that shit to my brother and turned him against our mom for years, and we still don't know if he believed the lies my dad told.

and though the birth order is reversed for op, it just proves to me that dads will pull that shit w their SONS, not the oldest sibling.

and i think op has more information and more shared pain w their mom than the brother does.

no one handled anything optimally in that situation, but i don't think anyone is an asshole. i think they're hurting and need some kind of intervention. a family counselor or just an unbiased outside person to help them talk through how much they're all hurting.

but yeah. i got worked up bc i ALSO hate my biodad. i've ALSO been there. and i've ALSO been at odds w my brother over it.

but our circumstances were different enough and i have enough distance that i can see the similarities and differences, and i can see the missing information & read between the lines.

and i got invested and kinda upset abt it. lol

i think it's so unfair to call her an asshole (which is what everyone is doing).

they're all stuck on "don't give ultimatums!" and "you can't force other people's relationships!" and "you can't make him like them!"

when that's not even the ACTUAL PROBLEM, HERE.

so yeah. had to uh. get that out of my system. lol

[dreamperson-poll]

guilt spiders

dreamed by @pianostoolbug

with the glowing neons and cartoon preportions they are a manifestation of guilt about things that are hard to control! made fun of 10 year old me for leaving my family trapped in a house with them! technically theres two of them and they are BOTH coming for you :)

this dream happened to me in year 6 but i still remember it because it was so traumatic at the time,

i dreamt that i woke up in the middle of the night and these 2 massive fucking neon glowing spiders were on the railings of my bunk bed and they were crawling towards me, making fun of my fear of spiders and speaking in rhymes.

i jump out of bed, nearly land on my little sister (she's on the bottom bunk) and they keep following me. i'm running, but it's taking surprisingly long to get out of my house, i run down the stairs, desperate to get away from them, they are skittering down the bannister, laughing and singing.

i'm closing every door i can between me and them, but i can't get them away. i run out the front door and slam it, and they can't get me anymore.

but i'm locked out. its the middle of the night, it's raining, i'm in my pyjamas i don't have a key or a torch, year 6 me didn't have a phone.

the spiders are taunting me from inside the house about how even though I was so scared of them and what they'd do to me, i didn't even wake my family up to warn them, and that my arachnaphobia was inherently selfish.

my sister was in the same room as me, and i never once considered what they'd do to her.

i can't get back in the house, i can't contact anyone until morning (deep down i know my neighbours will not answer the door)

and all the while i somehow know that these spiders could not have actually physically hurt me if they tried,

and that i am now stuck with the consequences of my pointless actions, that never would have made a difference anyway.

the spiders are siblings :) i usually never remember my dreams and i don't get nightmares often, so this was such a shocking dream to have had. i don't even know why i got it, i haven't really ever struggled with guilt, and my phobia is pretty mild compared to some. i don't even hate tarantula like spiders that much (it's the little ones that get me), and cartoon spiders just look funny. it's just a puzzling dream to have had, but oh well, i do like psychological horror :) inspiration is inspiration, i take what i can get.

#dreampeople #guilt spiders #pianostoolbug

[vilsoo]

jes!! this is serious where should i start with the fnaf lore, yters to watch and everything… if you don’t mind 🏃🏽‍♀️

omg hi sin 💛 honestly i can’t remember the exact videos i watched years ago when i wanted the fnaf lore explained to me but i will try my best to find a good vid on it from youtube for you !! and to any of my fnaf mutuals, feel free provide helpful videos on fnaf lore as well 😚 i personally don’t wanna recommend mattpat for the sake of overstimulating ur brain with overloads of him talking nonsense 😭 some of his theories on fnaf lore are a bit accurate while some aren’t. if you wanna see the gameplay, i recommend coryxkenshin cuz he’s one of my favorite fnaf youtubers 🫣 also this is just a basic summary from me on what you need to know and some helpful resources and vids

• so we start off in 1967 where two business men— William Afton and Henry Emily— open a family friendly diner called Fredbear's Family Diner. they both have families. william has two sons and a daughter, the youngest being Evan Afton (traumatized kid intimdated by his father’s creations), and the middle child Elizabeth Afton (bubbly kid who is heavily fascinated by her father’s creations) and the oldest Michael Afton (has a hatred for his father AND evan afton, always pulls pranks on him with a foxy mask on). William’s wife is never present in the game, but is heavily hinted around the 5th game. there’s many theories about her and her identity but you really dont have to know about it since its kinda irrelevant to the lore LOL

• basically the afton family had to face the worst demise thanks to william afton, who takes thrill in murdering children and stuffing their bodies in his animatronics. his younger kids are dead because of his creations and michael had to suffer through their losses. so i’d say his trauma changed him completely from being a bully and accidentally killing evan to a sensitive, mature adult.

• henry’s daughter, charlie emily, also had to face the worst demise because she was one of william’s main targets. william killed her and left her to die in the back alley of the diner.

all i did was basically explain about the main characters. this isn’t even half of all the lore you gotta know !! but the way i understood the lore with animations was actually watching these minecraft music videos i found in 2020 LMAOOO 😭 if it helped me, it would probably help you too !! i also listened to tons of fnaf songs and looked at the lyrics going in depth of the lore. anyways there’s a lot more resources that can help answer your questions and youtube videos going over animatronic names, the games they’re from, the animatronics that are possessed with dead children, the timeline, the game order, etc. etc. now without further ado, here’s some links 🤍

• five nights at freddy’s full timeline this explains everything from the beginning until the timeline of the recent game of the franchise (security breach).

• the disconnected series by enchanted mob this is the “beggining” where everything happened. it’s a 27 minute “movie” of minecraft music videos together with the lore in order animated for you. also these fnaf songs slap hard asf don’t judge 😭 there’s also some comments under the vid that also give depth about what’s happening and explains some of the fnaf lore for you !! you can read along as you watch

• sister location animation this is also another animation video surrounding the death of elizabeth afton and how michael worked underground at a “sister location” of the pizzeria to undo all his father’s wrongs and forgive himself as well. sl gets talked about a lot because of cutscenes or dialogues revealed to us contributing to the lore compared to the first three games. also, even though this is the fifth game of the franchise, the story is what sets everything off.

i hoped this helped omg

#( ♥︎ ) — my love sin. #if anyone wants to correct me go ahead #pretty sure there’s a lot of good explanations out there #if u have questions just send them away <33

[aidanchaser]

im at the midpoint of my ladybug fic and ive finally discovered the theme and the theme is ‘traumatized people may resist love and affection but they still need it’ and that includes traumatized kwamis

Trixx picked up the grapes he had been ignoring and finally bit into one. “Even if Chat Noir did give up his gift,” the fay said between bites, “you’d have to make a deal with Plagg. He’s not as nice as I am.”

Alya snorted. “You asked for my first born child.”

Nino felt the color drain from his face. “Alya, you traded our first born child to be Rena Rouge?”

“I would never! Not without asking what you thought, anyway.”

Trixx polished off the grapes and licked his tiny paws clean. “She drives a hard bargain, this one. But our deal is done. So I’ll take my pendant back, thank you —”

Alya covered the pendant with her hand. “Now hold on —” She had had far too much fun with Ladybug, and being able to save her sisters had finally made her feel like she had power over Hawk Moth. He had been terrorizing the city for so long — had taken something from her and Nino each — and it had been wonderful to get something back from him for a change. She also was not ready to let go of the idea of her and Nino both adding heroic activities to their schedule. It would even be good for the investigative business that they were still drumming up.

“Can’t we make a trade again?” Alya asked.

Trixx wrinkled his nose. “My last few engagements have been… a lot. I’m tired and ready to go back to the forest. So no, I’m not interested in another deal.”

“‘Last few engagements’?” Nino asked. “You mean Lila Rossi?”

“I mean I’ve spent a few hundred years bound to folks who make tough bargains that I can’t turn down and I’m done with it.” Trixx’s small form stretched out until he had the shape of a proper fox and he dropped down to the bed. His now fully-formed snout wormed its way under Alya’s hand in search of the pendant.

Nino didn’t like how close the fox’s sharp teeth were to Alya’s throat. “What if we did give you our first born child?”

The fox paused its search and looked up at him. Its bushy orange tail swished and its upper lip curled back. The only sign this creature was more than what it appeared to be were the eyes that glittered an unnatural violet.

“What would I want with your first born child?” Trixx asked. His words spilled out of the fox’s mouth with the same high-pitched scratchy voice he had in his fay shape. It made him only a little less threatening. “No one’s supposed to actually accept that trade. It’s like asking for a mountain of gold. It’s supposed to be impossible.”

“Didn’t you have fun today, though?” Alya asked, not at all perturbed by the teeth near her neck. “Don’t you want to help Ladybug take down Hawk Moth?”

“What do I care about this city?”

“Chat Noir and Ladybug’s fay creatures must care about this city,” Nino pointed out.

Trixx sat back on his haunches, threw his head back, and laughed — or possibly choked; it was hard to tell with foxes. “Tikki loves humans; Plagg loves Tikki. That’s got nothing to do with me.”

Nino looked at Alya helplessly. He also wanted her to continue being Rena Rouge, but he was running out of ideas.

“So you know the fay for Ladybug and Chat Noir well?” Alya asked.

“Sure.” Trixx scratched at something behind his ear with his hind paw. Alya reached up and scratched his ears, too. He leaned into her touch instinctively, like a cat happy to be pet. “Chaos and trickery go hand in hand,” he said, “and Tikki loves a good joke. Sometimes.”

Trixx laid down across Alya’s lap, demeanor no longer threatening, but rather content like a dog who had just finished a good meal. Alya continued scratching behind his ears and rubbing his snout. It was a soft as a real fox’s, and he certainly seemed to enjoy it like a real fox might. 

“But I’m a good fit for you,” Alya persisted. “How about head scritches and a warm bed at night in exchange for the magic of illusion?”

Trixx made a low growl — or possibly a purr; it was hard to tell with foxes. “One more run,” he finally said. “Keep petting me, and let me sleep here, and you can have one more turn at my magic. But after that, I quit.”

Alya’s mouth tugged into a skeptical smile, but she did not stop petting the fox in her lap, even as his low growls turned to steady snores.

#miraculous ladybug #rena rouge #alya cesaire #trixx #nino lahiffe #ml #fairytale au #is i think the tag im going with for this one #might have to change my tumblr url soon to mlfairytaleau instead of hpeveryonelives #fairy tale au

[strawberrybabydog]

bruh it never fucking ends with tina

me: ur going somewhere today? 👀 interesting interesting,,, would there be room for 1 more? /playful

her: ugh, im taking your sister to school and shes already ready to go. actually shes later than she normally is. i have other things to do. /annoyed

me: thats fine i can be ready in 10 minutes? /neutral

her: okay well shes already late so. /annoyed

me: [setting this boundary cant end well but i havent tried in a while...] thats fine, but maybe next time be more direct with me and just tell me what you mean? when youre passive aggressive to me it hurts my feelings and is also sort of conveluded. its clear you dont want me to come but i'd rather you just be like "hey i dont think its a good idea if you come this time, maybe next time"? /neutral, trying to have a positive tone cuz i know even a hint of something negative or critical sends her

her: UGH, LOOK, it was my INITIAL REACTION. IM SO SORRY. you have initial reactions too. ITS NOT LIKE I CAN HELP IT. PASSIVE AGGRESSION WASNT MY INTENT. SO SORRY. /very passive aggressive, acting like im over-reacting, angry, sarcastic

every single interaction with her is like this. every single one. and i fucking live with her. she holds the ideology that "nobody's perfect and i'm with flaw, but my flaws make me quirky and loveable" meanwhile her flaws are being a helicopter-parent who's over-controlling, literally a highschool bully, triggers her trauma-ridden kids on purpose, etc. no matter how calm or positive or adult i try to talk to her, she just gets angry with me and tells me our relationship is normal because ALL parents bully and traumatize their kids but that i need to grow up and learn to live with it. she views me as a perpetual child and wont stop shaming me for decisions she views as being impulsive, even if theyre not. on top of this she has a chronic victim complex, and thinks that when i was 12 i suddenly decided to hate her for no reason cuz i thought it was fun? i guess? for my entire life she's blamed me, solely, as the reason we live in poverty and by extension that i am the reason for her (and our whole family's) unhappiness, meanwhile, she has a spending problem and prioritizes her 100$/week cereal and wine.

sorry for the vent i just. its gotten worse over the last year. i really dont know how much more patience i have with her. i try so hard to be kind or at least passive and adult, but she's like this (or worse) all the time every single day. nothing changes.

#not dog #personal #big feelings #tina tag #delete l8r

[eyesteeth]

tsv x ns but my tunnel vision is the same as ever

carpenter

familar is a big ol gray newfoundland named loam

magic color is gray. this leads many people to believe she is magicless, especially because loam only talks when in trusted company and is therefore assumed to be Just A Dog

people within the parish know that she’s extremely magically skilled however and she has a reputation for being a beast in combat

knows Instantly that faulkner’s faking his magic but isn’t going to call him out on it for Reasons

faulkner

familiar is a fish named bubbles

magic color is blue

THAT’S A LIE!! he is actually magicless and the fish is Just A Fish. as mr robin has said time and time again fish cannot be familiars. faulkner has a blue contact lens over his brown eye to match the fish, but the coloration isn’t the same if you look close enough. this is my au i’m keeping my design headcanons for these guys

some fucking how he has managed to flail himself upward into his current position and is put in the care of the far more competent carpenter, at which point he instantly starts trying to scheme

the mission theyre on is trying to find a particularly powerful husk for Their Purposes. however eventually they come to the discovery that what they’re seeking is actually a way to make husks and not a husk itself. neither of them like this and it runs close to tsv canon in this regard.

honestly this is pretty close to canon tsv except:

color coded magic system. and i love magic systems

faulkner trying Really Hard not to husk out (in ns canon non-magicians turn into husks if they become extremely emotionally unstable in a time of high stress so most of season 3 would be him trying not to turn into a beastie)

familiar stuff. yeah your sister says she hates you but also the dog that’s part of her soul has come over to you and put its head in your lap. you hold it close and her posture relaxes across the room. you don’t need to say anything. you both know.

(for context, if faulkner did get his magic in, his familiar would be a ginger domestic shorthair cat, and therefore him husked out would have him as a catboy. a traumatized, murderous catboy)

most saints would be husks in this.

charity, some kind of hunting dog saint. pink. follows canon pretty closely there

i think it’d be very ironic if the radio man’s familiar was a sloth so let’s go with that. dark blue. it’s 1am i can’t remember his name i’m a fake fan :pensive:

val, crane. she’s a crane to me idk why. red.

anyway. the other main characters. this post was not done in order lol i’m doing most this shit off the dome

paige: dove familiar named olive. magic color’s either a nice light blue or green. her whole prophet thing could mean she husks out in this au and just chills at tier one because she has the money to afford the gems to stabilize while other people who go husk (cough faulkner cough) are not financially stable enough to. i’m going with that. i’m not joking when i say i’m doing most of this off the cuff lol

hayward: basset hound familiar named columbo. magic color is a deep brown. one of the less respected guard members who does his best. once corruption is revealed in the heart of the administration, he is grabbed by a dove husk (paige) he is sent to kill and runs close to canon that way

shrue: shrew familiar named cashew. cmon. magic color is an uneasy orange. an overworked member of the administration who rose the ranks with the intention of undoing harm, but is instead walked over and talked over and makes very little change

gage & mercer: it’s canon that twins will have the same kind of familiar, so they both have deer - but only one has antlers. they never make it clear which familiar belongs to who. i have no clue what their magic color would be but theyd be slightly different hues off each other. they hunt husks, but they seem to like it a little too much, and they like to wear the remains of their hunts.

that’s all lol

#carp n faulk au dungeon #tsv x ns #<- in case i come back to this

[thesleepingb0dyb4g]

I've constaly thought about if my aunt would be im hevean or hell. it's very discourging to think abt hell bc its a place she despised so much and tried her damn hardest to protect me from. she instilled that fear in me from a very young age. its hard bc if I consider some things she done.. she would be considered a bad person. but she did it all for God. but just like my cousin r4ping me for over a year for God.. does it make it good? I mean according to my church he can be forgiven for it. sometimes I don't know what to beleive anymore. it all hurts. I want to prove their religion wrong but then their religion proves me right. proves to me that IM the one doomed in the end. why did God have to make my sister and is life like this. we don't deserve any of this shit. I didn't deserve to have to fucking hug my childhood abuser (it was traumatizing bc he always used to asks for a hugs to feel my body) and everyone watch and him say I love you and I have to be like "I love you too." litteraly after seeing my aunts dead body like. this only happened not even 3 years ago and it effects me so much like he did that on purpose. he did that bc he knows he will ALWAYS GET AWAY WITH IT NO MATTER WHERE THE FUCK HE IS ok I'm actually having such a bad breakdown ovr this like i need to stop or else I will drive myself fucking insane like wow.thiss is my fuckng life hahagsgshs