#analgetic | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

neuromedical · 9 months

Text

1 year as an anaesthesia & intensive care resident

I started working last August and it's been a very surreal experience! I wanted to write a little summary, maybe to remind myself of the beginnings, maybe to help other med school graduates a little... Just keep in mind that my experience is European and it has nothing to do with the US system. Also, in my country anaesthesiology and intensive care are in one specialty - you can't have one without the other (though as years go by some people specialise more on either anaesthesia or intensive care).

I had my current job pretty much secured before I finished school so my only job was to pass my last state exam. When I first started in August (and let me just say that I think everyone deserves that one month off after graduating) it was pretty damn hard. And I'd like to say that it got easier over the course of the year, but that would be a lie. When you first start, everything is tough, because there is so much damn stuff you need to learn. You realise that med school was next to useless and that all your knowledge of all the rare disease is useless as well.

At first, you learn all the most commonly prescribed drugs at your ward. As I do intensive care, our most common drugs are the ones we use post-op. Mainly analgetics, some heart medications, fluids, respiratory meds. And then a million others when it comes to the non post-op patients. You need to learn the drug, the dose, and when and how to use it. At first it's ridiculous and you ask everyone around why the hell did this patient get tramadol and this one got metamizole when both of them underwent the same procedure. It takes many months to figure out these little things. A certain sixth sense that physicians have - the ability to look at a patient and think "okay, this one will get this drug because in my experience I assume that it will be better for them". I felt like the dumbest person on the planet, because I had no idea, no experience, no way of knowing these things. I tried many textbooks, but none of them teach you this. Even one of my colleagues laughed at me (in a friendly way, not maliciously) when I said I wanted a textbook where you'd find these kinds of things. She said there was none. It's simply experience and you get that only with time. So, I felt very stupid for a very long time.

I spent the first few weeks in the OR. One of my very first surgeries was... well, pretty damn traumatic. It was an aortobifemoral bypass where they had to first explant the old infected bypass and implant a new one. I was there with a senior coworker and I pretty much just looked. Well, that was until the patient lost so much blood that all we did - me, my senior coworker, and the nurse - started ordering blood, plasma, platelets, coagulation factors... From that point on it was one giant blur for me, I had no idea what was happening, because I kept shaking up one vial of fibrinogen after another. (Honestly, damn those fibrinogen vials!) That case left me thinking I will never be able to do that alone. Never. The patient passed away in our ICU later that evening. An unfortunate and dangerous thing about infected bypass grafts is that it's very hard to then clamp the aorta around them - the tissue becomes inferior and weak and it's almost impossible to stop the bleeding. But if you don't operate, the patient will die either of severe sepsis, or the weakened aorta will burst on its own. I didn't know it back then. Now I do.

A few weeks ago I came back from a week long holiday and on Monday I was supposed to do a case of a patient with an infected aortic graft and some very serious comorbidities. Alone. Somehow, I did it, but it was extremely similar to the traumatic case from almost a year ago. It was very close to an MiT, mors in tabula. But alas, we took the patient to the ICU. I was exhausted and during the surgery had to leave the OR for a few minutes and wipe away some tears. But I did it. I did everything I could for the patient, the surgery took around 6,5 hours. And they still passed away later that night and I had nightmares about it, but... such is this field of work. My coworkers said it was my trial by fire. I think I passed?

A year in and out of the OR taught me a lot of technical skills as well. How to actually start an IV, how to place central lines, arterial lines, Foleys, how to work with an ultrasound probe, how to put on those damn sterile gloves, how to do spinal and epidural anaesthesia, intubate, solve some minor intubating problems... A lot of anaesthesia is problem solving. And I mean a lot of it, It's so much fun. At first, nothing works. My first days were super depressing, I came home and felt like I should just quit, because I couldn't put on those sterile gloves. Do you know what it feels like when you sit behind a patient to attempt your first ever spinal anaesthesia and while putting on the gloves the nurse silently shakes her head at you three times in a row because each time you touched something unsterile??? Good grief. Oh and don't get me started on the shaky hands. Your hands will shake. A lot. You're poking someone with a giant needle, of course they will shake. But you have to do it. Take a few deep breaths and just poke. It's not the end of the world. Even if while placing a central line you find the carotid first. Just apply pressure, take a few deep breaths and try again. God, so much of medicine is just... trying again, isn't it?

Then there's the ICU part. That one used to absolutely terrify me. I had to... talk to patients? Conscious ones? I had to actually do a physical exam and... prescribe drugs for the day???? Oh my god. A lot of that time was just googling drugs. Of course, I kept forgetting something. I forgot to check the post-op chest x-ray. I forgot to check their chronic medication. I forgot how much insulin to give. I kept forgetting. Everything. Then I had to learn how to put together a dialysis set and start a dialysis. How to ventilate the patient in the ICU. To take a ventilated patient to have a CT scan and safely get them back. And then the nurses would always ask something and I couldn't answer, I had to go ask someone senior and go back to them. Then they'd ask me to do something I never did before and I just said "sure! but you'll have to help me" and we did it, somehow. A lot of medicine is also that - having a great nurse who helps you get through these awkward stages. NEVER BE RUDE TO NURSES! Trust me, you do NOT know more than them. And it's much more appreciated to say "look, I have no idea how to do this but if you tell me, we'll somehow do it together and I will learn". I swear to god, you'll have a laugh (if it's something not too dangerous, of course) and the nurses will accept you faster. Also - don't know the dose of something? Sometimes it's faster to just go "excuse me, how do we usually dose this?" and the nurse will tell you and you will love them forever for it. Also, always listen to what they have to tell you about your patient. They spend a lot of time with the patients, they know them a lot more than you do. Nurses are a godsent and the sooner you understand that, the better your start will be.

Now I'm not as terrified of the ICU anymore. It's actually kind of comfy - I don't have to change into OR clothes and spend the day listening to the surgeons bickering... I examine the patients, sit down, write them up, and then actually have lunch and sometimes even *gasp* a cup of coffee.

And then there are the shifts. Our shifts are 24 hours. You work with the rest of the team for the first eight and then they all go home while two of you stay and take care of critically ill patients. Sometimes an acute case comes to the OR. A ruptured abdominal aneurysm. An aortic dissection. Sometimes it's a heart transplant. I saw a heart transplant in my second ever shift. Thankfully as one of the doctors on shift is always a consultant, I just stood there and watched while they did the case. There is always work until midnight, but after midnight you hope to lie down and sleep for a few hours at least. I only had four shifts so far, but oh my god my confidence grew SO much. I'm starting to feel like a doctor. Yes. Now. When nurses ask me something, I can tell them without asking someone else first. Sure, I still ask a tonne of questions, but mostly I can solve the most common problems we have. And I can do it confidently. A year ago, an idea of being sent to an OR with no preparation would terrify me. Now I can simply do it. One time during a shift I was called to the OR to a case in local anaesthesia (surgeons do those without us) because the patient started having trouble breathing. I ran there running over everything I could do in my head and damn I was like "WHAT COULD I POSSIBLY DO?!". But I did the right thing and I felt like the (rather strict) nurse who called me was a bit proud of me. The patient felt better. I felt good about myself. God, I was starting to feel like a doctor...

All in all, it's been the wildest year ever. I couldn't possibly imagine all this while I was in school. I remember sitting with my mum and we were both just wondering "how the hell do they learn this? and how do they learn that?". I had no idea. Turns out, you simply learn by doing it. And you make mistakes and people will correct you a lot, but that's a part of it.

So if you're a new grad and you're starting to work these days, I wish you the best of luck. It will be very, very hard, but this job is unlike any other. I love every bit of it. I hope you will find joy in it as well :)

#felt nostalgic :)#personal #residency diaries #medblr

70 notes · View notes

little-lily-w · 1 year

Text

Surgery part 6

<<Part 5 Try some Surgery II>>

A/N: this is the last part and I still don’t know what I’m doing.

It helped calm the ache but his proximity made you feel uncomfortable, or better say, in tension. You couldn’t really tell if you wanted more of the analgetic effect or if you wanted him at least 10 meters away.

“There’s no answer”, you let out as bravely as you could when he locked eyes with yours. “You are just looking to amuse yourself at my expense and I won’t give you the pleasure. Do the rest of the cuts. I won’t talk to you anymore. There’ll be no more answers”.

“Alright. Avoidance stage came quite quick”, he commented, tilting your chin up again. “But there’ll also be no more questions”.

What did that mean? You felt the blade finally sliding down the other side of your throat and you bit your lip in response, putting up with the pain as best as you could for him not to register your whining. The anger was giving space for the pride to appear but this one set your own trap because now it meant that you’d have to endure the rest of the process not begging for mercy (which you clearly needed).

Chishiya was relieved although you didn’t notice it. Two of the most dangerous cuts were done and they didn’t really look like they’d need stitches nor did they harm your vocal chords which, even after your little proud silence statement, he took care of preserving.

Then he moved away, scanning the stains of red along your body as he circled the stretcher to stop right in between both cuffs. You looked up but quickly turned your gaze to the roof once you realized you were only capable of seeing his beach pants from that position. Once you felt his hands working to free one of your wrists, you furrowed your brows. Of course. He still trapped your joint against the stretcher with his own grip and you did a pulling motion knowing you wouldn’t escape his fingers but wanting to frustrate the little fucker.

Unluckily for you, he wasn’t having it.

“You know, it’s a pity you chose to remain mute. It’d have been good for you to choose at which part of your wrists you prefer the cuts in case you wanted to hide them with a bracelet or a band but I wouldn’t waste my time asking what’s going to get no answer”.

Fucking jerk. Just ignore him. He is just looking for a reaction.

The cut was again clean and shallow enough not to catch a vein but it was still excruciating. The amount of pain and discomfort your body was in by now started to make you dizzy so much so that he didn’t restrain your wrist back again and you didn’t think of getting advantage to put up another fight. The feeling of exhaustion took over pretty quick and now you weren’t sure if you didn’t talk because of your own decision or if it was too much to ask for. All you wanted to do was close your eyes and drift away, maybe even dream that you were in another place, in another world, back to the one you knew. But Chishiya didn’t let you have your moment because as soon as your eyelids started to feel heavy enough to drop, he was cutting your other wrist.

“Son of a bitch”, you mumbled, a tiny squeal going past your lips. You couldn’t scream anymore.

“I’m not sure of what that was”, he taunted you but the game voice got in the way.

“Congratulations. Both players win”.

And with the click of the bracelets being opened, you finally fainted.

By the time you recovered your consciousness, everything felt bright again even over your closed eyelids. Please, no, not another game. You almost let out a sob if it weren’t for the fact that you were still too tired to make your muscles work for any kind of lament. But your state of denial keeping you blind didn’t last long. As soon as you turned your head to the side, the brushing of some fabric against the side of your throat made you hiss in pain, forcing you to open your eyes. You looked around the place, blinking as you rubbed your face to understand where you were. For a brief second, relief came to your chest when you realized it was your own room till you followed the wall opposite your bed and you found the image of Chishiya standing against the furniture with his hands behind his back.

“What the fuck are you doing here?”, you let out, bothered and confused. The slight comfort of the pillow started to feel like a brick. He tilted his head to the side, not speaking. “No, go away, just leave me the fuck alone”, you protested, pulling the sheets up so they covered your head, and curling onto your side despite the pain of the bruises, especially the ones getting friction in between your thighs.

After a minute, you felt some items being dropped on the mattress next to you. You moved the sheet slightly till it landed on the bridge of your nose to spy what they were. A little plastic box and a bottle of alcohol.

“So caring. Thank you”, you said sarcastically before covering your head back again. But you could still feel his presence watching you, now resting against the side wall. “What?”, you huffed pushing the sheet away with violence so it ended as a ball at your ankles. Only then you noticed your wrists being wrapped with what used to be your top, stains of red covering the fabric as well as the bikini you wore which you mindlessly displayed to him once again within the fuss. “I’ll do it myself. Now leave”, you said, hoping it was enough for him to at least say something and stop being so damn intimidating and exasperating at the same time. You wondered if you should cover yourself again but that would have been too obvious. He looked down at the box. “Chishiya, for fuck’s sake!”, you exclaimed, seating abruptly on the mattress which actually made your head spin around. “I-I can do it myself!”

You knew he didn’t believe in your ability and that he didn’t seem to plan on leaving before you proved him wrong. “It’s not that hard”, you continued, opening the box and slamming it’s cover onto the bed. Bandages, cotton balls and hypoallergenic tape. The color white taking your memory back to the fluorescent lights, threatening to create a migraine. You huffed again, looking into his eyes so he watched you do the job and you could erase the gaze of arrogance off of his stupid face. You pulled from one of the improvised bandages you had on your wrists, clearly regretting it once you felt the burning at the sudden motion but you weren’t going to whimper in case you favored his attitude. So you bit your own tongue to refrain from making any sound and the same move was used to try and stop you from screaming once, in a similar violent motion, you opened the bottle just to throw a squirt of alcohol over the cut. You failed miserably, gasping in pain and lowering your gaze to focus on your wrist instead. But still not wanting to give him the satisfaction, you grabbed one of the packages of sterile bandages and ripped it open with your teeth. You put the bandage along the cut, struggling to properly position it with one hand and same frustration attacked the pit of your stomach when cutting a piece of the tape and trying to place it rightly across the bandage. As you began to puff and blow, Chishiya seemed to finally had enough and he circled the bed to sit next to you. Gently, he took your hand and brought it to his knee, palm up to remove the mess you did and throw it aside. He grabbed a cotton ball and soaked it up with alcohol, carefully touching your skin with it. The pain made you tense your forearm, increasing your frustration.

“You expect me to thank you for this?”, you spat your question at him, now you the one trying to get a reaction when he decided to play the mute game as well. Chishiya opened a new pack of bandages and placed one of them correctly on your joint, using then the tape to secure it. “Oh, no, I know, this makes you feel superior once again. How could I not realize?”

Chishiya was grabbing the wet cotton ball to continue but he stopped at your words to look directly into your eyes. You swallow hard. You were free in comparison with your situation back on the stretcher but somehow his proximity in your own bed made you feel entirely trapped or worse, like a bee enticed by pollen.

“I am not expecting anything nor do I feel any particular kind of way”, he removed the other fabric on your wrist, repeating the cleaning process till you were nice and patched up. Then he moved your hair gently out of your neck, almost as if the weight of his fingers was non existent but you still found yourself holding air in not to lean into his touch. Dizzy. Everything was so dizzy and hot. It was like a fever ascending from your toes to the back of your throat, same throat he was now taking care of healing. “I came here because I wanted to. Nothing more, nothing less”.

This time your eyes wandered nervously around his face. You had never paid close attention to the delicate light brown spot under his eye before and if you looked close enough, you could swear he still had the ghost mark of a dimple even when he wasn’t smirking. “A-and…”, you stuttered but he didn’t smile teasingly as you expected. “Why did you… want to?”

He placed the new bandages on the sides of your neck safely secured with tape, arching his brows just like a comment to himself. “I’ll answer that when you give me the answer you owe me. Up until then, enjoy your visa extension”, he slid his fingers down, barely brushing one of the still untreated cuts on the upper part of your breasts, before standing up and exiting through the door.

#chishiya #chishiya x reader #chishiya x you #chishiya fic #chishiya fanfic #chishiya fanfiction #alice in borderland #alice in borderland 2 #aib #aib2

111 notes · View notes

therivergirl · 3 months

Text

I've seen posts about people seeing their kids, families, friends etc. in the people of Gaza.

I see my patients.

Beyond all the injuries and wounds and all the indescribable mental trauma, how those with chronic conditions are faring.

I work in family medicine and this is what I do daily, hypertension, diabetes, chronic wounds like diabetic or venous ulcers...

When you don't even have anaesthesia for people having cesarean sections or amputations, or analgetics for the wounded, what happens to those with migraines and fibromyalgia or sever disk hernias? When power is gone, where do those with diabetes keep their insulin? Where do patients with glaucoma keep their eye drops keeping them safe from pain and, more importantly, blindness? What do people with chronic bowel inflammation do? How are the patients with prostate hyperplasia who need catheters faring?

I know that, on top every wounded person seen there are dozens, hundreds suffering from chronic conditions, and I do mean suffering in this circumstance because I've seen untreated diabetes and blood pressure, I've seen neglected prostate hyperplasia and the improperly functioning catheter, and I can tell you none of it's pretty.

It's slower suffering, but suffering non the less.

#palestine #free palestine #free gaza

11 notes · View notes

theweirdwideweb · 1 year

Note

When i was younger i used to be on tumblr more than half of my day living through other blogs imagining myself in those situations other users were sharing on their blogs cause my mother was very strict about who i may or may not hang out with. so i started to isolate, smoke weed.. then i got gastritis from opioid analgetics so i had to stop using them and instead abuse xanax. since my uni failing atm because of xanax abuse and not being able to remember most of what i studied i decided i need to lower them but see the problem is i have to be very careful bc i've been on them for 2 n a half years and tapering off is really slow. I'm so worried i ruined my life. I just wanted to share my thoughts with you Lindy.

Hey you know what? When I was your age I was smoking crack and in the mental hospital 6 times in one year. I dropped out of college because I was so fucked up. I thought my life was ruined and it certainly was for years. Eventually I recovered, and a big part of that has been sobriety. I want you to talk to your doctor as soon as possible with complete candor and honesty. You may need medical intervention to be able to stop safely. I want you to find an NA meeting today and force yourself to go. And if you fuck up on both of those things I want you to try again. You're in deep shit, I don't want to add to your stress but what you're describing is so serious. If I could go back in time and talk to myself at your age I would say throw yourself at the mercy of doctors, therapists, and NA. Do everything they say like your life depends on it. Good luck to you.

45 notes · View notes

adisharoney · 2 years

Text

you've been analgetic for my aches

2 notes · View notes

valgasnewsthings · 30 days

Text

#IFTTT #Valga s health news #gardening #and cooking #and beauty .

0 notes

elar-urfu-ru · 1 year

Text

0 notes

dangerousnerdvoid · 1 year

Text

Buy Hydrocodone Online has the best reviews

Buy Hydrocodone Online has the best reviews at a reasonable cost. It Is a Habit-forming, Analgetic, and Pain relieving Codeine Subordinate Semi-Blended. Hydrocodone Fundamentally Ties and Invigorates the Focal Sensory system Mu-Narcotic Receptor.

#Health #Care #Painrelief #Buyhudrocodone #buyhydrocodoneonline

0 notes

local-town-witch · 1 year

Text

Avoided being in pain yesterday and managed to clean the whole house on only one dose of analgetics. As expected my body is demanding bedrest now

#ezrant #chronic pain #personal

1 note · View note

sadiie · 6 years

Text

Sooo I have personally, meaning me in my own body with the problems that I have, excellent experience with Dorn method and reflexology when it comes to correcting my spine, right hip and other joints.

Currently my core fixation went down the hill in the last years due to the exercise ban. I have a mildly herniated disc and my right hip popped a bit out of the socket forcing my weight to be unevenly distributed on my foot making the joint in my big toe hurt like a bitch. Therefore my posture is awful, I’m starting to get used to wrong movement habits and it’s driving me up the wall.

In order to get back to exercising I need to get everything corrected back yet my doctor won’t accept my suggestions about preferred therapy calling it bogus and booked me with the local hospital’s chirobutcher master. Same dude that pinched me a nerve and teared a tendon a few years ago

#and meanwhile eat these analgetics like smarties

2 notes · View notes

to-dare-is-to-do · 3 years

Text

#okay so i'm in a lot of pain #i am not allowed to take any more analgetics because i reached the maximum #i just hope someone hits me in the head and knocks me out #today was definitly the worse so far #the doctor said we should wait for a few days to see if maybe my body heals on its own #apparently the pain can last for up to 6weeks #so i guess we're just getting started #maybe i can take my sleeping pills #hmm #idk #delete later

0 notes

sashagraves · 2 years

Text

Buy Delicious Delta 8 Gummy Worms On the internet

If you are reading this article, you have probably heard that the word "Delta-8" is on everyone's lips today. Found naturally from hemp, Delta-8 offers the same, or more, advantages as CBD, it also has psychoactive qualities. THC is well regarded for its incredilble benefits on health. THC from Cannabis has an analgetic effect on body system. It can help relieve signs or symptoms in patients experiencing chronic soreness. THC acts through receptors in the endocannabinoid system within the body. One of the short-term results of THC is mild, temporary memory impairment. Many see this as a drawback, and not in people who have PTSD. A report published in 2014 found that THC can cure the harm associated with PTSD. Medical cannabis is also utilized by veterans of The us. Relief of vomiting and nausea is an additional excellent effect of THC, Cancer patients often are afflicted by mind-boggling nausea or vomiting due to chemo procedures and the body's desire to get rid of poisons. THC can minimize these signs or symptoms and improve a patient’s quality of life. Take d8 thc tincture to improve appetite. Delta 8 stimulates stomach For individuals under the influence of various drugs, the necessity to promote their natural appetite is important.

Research from the 70s demonstrated that marijuana can help alleviate most of eye ailments signs and symptoms, especially disorders that put strain on the optic nerves. Lowering the strain on the nerve inhibits their breakdown. Delta 8 THC protects the eye-sight of individuals and helps prevent the exacerbation of the condition. Last, but not least, delta 8 gummy bears can help boost rest. Many studies around the world show that THC results in high high quality night's sleep in lots of ways. D8 THC is another cannabinoid that has enter into the spot light because of the rapid continuing development of the cannabis market place. After CBD led the way for other weed compounds, business owners are taking bigger steps through taking benefit of the federal delta 8's legal status. The market is more dynamic than it was a couple of years ago, so it's hardly surprising that new Delta 8 THC food items, delta 8 thc vape cartridges and tinctures are taking the sector by storm. The interest in delta 8 THC products is clear to see and discovering these on the internet does not seem complicated. However, customers face perils associated with purchasing below average quality merchandise. This is the primary reason why men and women choose to purchase D8 THC on the internet. Internet vendors are not only seen safer, but they also offer better prices and a wider product range. To read more about delta 8 thc bombs webpage: check it out.

1 note · View note

valgasnewsthings · 30 days

Text

#IFTTT #Valga s health news #gardening #and cooking #and beauty .

0 notes

nessamaurice · 4 years

Text

Simple, Ch. 10 (Loki x F!Reader)

Masterlist

Summary: Tony and the Avengers are in desperate need of something like a “babysitter” to have an eye on Loki and teach him “how to human”. He decided to stay on Midgard over the dungeons of Asgard as punishment for his deeds in New York. That’s where you swoop in. A simple receptionist at the Avengers compound. You have to share an apartment in the compound with Loki and damn, he’s a really tough nut. With your open and kind character it seems that you are slowly cracking his shell. But suddenly things are getting twists that will change your life and your relationships there irreversibly.

Story rating: M

Chapter trigger warnings: flashback/PTSD

Words: 2615

As you slowly limped onto the Quinn Jet Loki wrapped his soft, green cape around you. Inside you almost fainted fell asleep the moment you sat down. You woke up every now and then; when Loki picked you up, as he laid you down on a bed in the medical wing of the compound. Eventually you woke up. You blinked into the dimmed light and looked around. Your gaze stopped as you saw a small tube leading into the thick, blue veins on your hand. Immediately the heart monitor next to announced your rising heart rate. In the other corner of the room were Tony sleeping on a couch and Loki on an armchair, long legs casually stretched out. The beeping woke them up but Bruce was already by your side to stop you from tearing out the tube and calmed you down. You started to panic and wanted to rip everything off your body, hoarsely screaming "No, no, no! Not again! No, please god, no!" Bruce came running over to you.

"Y/N, please calm down. Look at me. Okay? Look at me!" He stretched out his arms, palms towards you, as a sign of being unarmed and not willing to harm you. "Everything's okay. You are safe. You are back at the compound."

You managed to focus on him and your heart rate slowly calmed down again. You blinked a few times and some tears ran down your cheek. Bruce sat down next to your knees, moving really slowly to not startle you. He explained every action he planned to do so you'd know what was going to happen.

"Fine. I need to observe your physical state okay? In this infusion bag right here are just some analgetics, uh, sorry, pain relievers, and antibiotics, all picked and mixed by myself. There are no meds that would influence your mind in any way. I made a new access and didn't use the one they had forced into you. There was no second you being alone, whether it was me, Tony or Loki who stayed by your side, at least two of us. There are just these three electrodes that watch your heart rate. That's it. I haven't done anything else while you slept. I wanted to wait until you're awake. You've slept for almost two days now. That's great! Your body and your mind got some urgently needed rest after all that. Besides the obvious terrible things, can you tell me how you feel? Is there maybe some not visible, physical injury we need to pay attention to first?"

The way he spoke to you, how he moved, his peaceful face helped you to calm down. He really knew how to not-upset someone. You swallowed hard and had to retch a bit because your throat was just so dry like a desert. Bruce handed you a glass of water and after a few small sips (the water tasted so fresh and pure, it was a bracing pleasure for your body) you cleared your throat. You looked at him and at Tony and Loki who stood a few steps away from your bed.

"Thank you. Really, thank you. I knew you would find me, though I wasn't sure. I feared I... I'd stay there forever..." Tears filled your eyes again, your voice getting weak. Tony wasn't able to restrain himself any longer and rushed to your side. He took your hand and squeezed it gently.

"Of course we found you, honeybun. I will keep you safe, we will. I will not lose you again..." He turned a bit insecure. "So... you remember?" He asked with a slightly begging expression. He wished it so hard to be true.

You shared a small smile. "Yes. The only good thing that happened in there. It was hurtful and violent, but they brought back my whole memory. It completes itself from time to time, I get new... flashes. But I finally remember my childhood. Dad, Mom,..." you almost choked on your words, "You. I looked forward to every time you'd visit us. I wanted to stay with you after my parents were murdered, but I was intubated and couldn't speak, then I was put to coma and when I woke up...", you started sobbing and covered your mouth with your free hand, unintentionally tugging on your tube, "I had forgotten everything. I forgot you."

Tony shuffled a little closer and pulled you into a gentle hug while you cried into his shirt. After some time you looked up and saw Loki standing in the same spot as before, arms crossed, brows furrowed (one slightly higher than the other).

"Loki. I saw you. You were in my cell, wearing my headphones. How?" You wiped your nose on the back of your hand and someone handed you a tissue.

"I...", he started but didn't know how to continue, looking across the floor as if he would find the words laying there.

"Silver tongue turned to lead?" Tony couldn't help to joke.

"Shh, shut up Tones, give him time to think." You batted Tony's arm and regretted it the same second because the vascular access on your hand got pushed a bit deeper into your skin.

Seeing how you hushed Tony to let him sort out his words made him smile a little. He came a bit closer.

"There is something with you. An unknown power. Somehow we were able to create a mental connection that continued over the distance. I felt... I wasn't able to help because everything we could do was to use this technology to make your bracelet work again. I wanted to listen to the music you liked and... I thought of you. Then suddenly I saw you sleeping there."

Tony took the word and continued, "The information you gave him helped us to reduce the possibilities where you were to a few buildings. We split up and where already on the way to those few buildings when JARVIS finally could locate and destroy the virus keeping your tracker from working we could come down to one building. It was only active for a short time, I turned it down immediately again, I thought a suddenly green glowing gem would cause some unwanted curiosity. It wasn't long enough to locate you exactly, but the indicated area was enough to exclude the other possibilities we already had. Your strange connection with him saved us an enormous amount of time and you some trouble I guess."

You were left speechless. Then it hit you; you remembered what they discovered about you. You forgot that for a few “peaceful” minutes.

"Um, Loki, is this... normal? Do you build such connections easily?"

"Well, usually not. If the development of some kind of relationship is not supported by something like Seidr it takes a long amount of time. I was... surprised, to say the least. This is something I want to investigate, but not now. Not until you are feeling better and strong enough for such activities."

"I think I know why it worked." You started hesitantly. "I... They... I can..." You didn't know how to tell. You took a deep breath. "I can feel other's feelings when I touch them. And I can make them feel what I feel. With the palms of my hands."

Everyone looked at you with the same blank face.

"What is wrong with me? Why can I do this? It started after they electrified my brain, I couldn't do it before. They shaved me directly after they dragged me into their awful lab and stuck electrodes here", you pointed at the shaved areas on your head, "like they knew exactly what was going on and what they wanted to achieve. This bastard that called himself a doctor said his father watched me from the beginning and he already knew about this. How is this even possible??"

"Wait, what? They watched from the beginning, what does that mean?" Tony's look turned from soft to serious.

You told them a rough outlining of what you were told and what you could recall. That you were being watched because that doctor thought you would be useful, that he sent a Soldier to collect you, how he changed his mind... You were surprised you didn't had to cry while retelling parts of your story. You weren’t able to tell them everything. Not yet. At the end you took a moment to let it sink in and turned to Tony.

"Tones, it wasn't your fault. It wasn't because of you that we were attacked. I'm sure you felt guilty for what happened, that my Mom had to die because she was your sister. But that's not true; she had to die because... because I... was her daughter." You realized the truth of those words as you said them out loud. You pressed a hand on your mouth to dull the sobbing that followed. Tony pulled you into a tight hug but quickly loosened it a bit regarding the numerous cuts on your body.

"Stop saying that bullshit, Honeybun. She had to die because some sick psycho sent a brainwashed marionette to do so, there are no other reasons. Okay? Did you hear me?" He pushed you slightly backwards to make direct eye contact. "Do you copy?"

A broken smile decorated your face because you suddenly remembered how you played space ship and mission control and nearly every third sentence was 'Do you copy?' followed by a crackling sound, imitating radio communication.

"Copy." You whispered, wiping away the tears from your cheeks. You looked into the face of the man in front of you, the last bit of your family. A face that brought up so many beautiful childhood memories. You smiled at him and laid your hand on his cheek. You let the warmth from your chest flow over to him. "Uncle Tones, I am so, so happy to have you back." You watched him mirroring your smile, tears filling up his eyes. You felt how your happiness now mixed up with his relief that you were still alive and that his sister and her husband didn't had to die because he was not cautious enough. You looked at him softly and tilted your head to the side as you said "You look tired, old man. You should get into your basket real soon." You turned to Bruce "Bruce, I want to say thank you so, so much. I wouldn't be here and so well looked after without you. But you look dead ass tired, too. You should get some sleep as well. Maybe Loki can stay with me?"

"Of course, Y/N" Loki acknowledged.

Hesitantly Tony and Bruce agreed to get to bed and left you alone with Loki. He hadn't moved, standing at the foot of your bed, arms crossed. You patted on the free space on your bed to invite him to take a seat. After a few seconds he followed and sat down next to you. He seemed a bit stiff, not knowing how to act, so you touched his hand. "Loki, I wanted to say thank you. For everything. I am very lucky that we met. I will always be in your debt."

With those words he turned his head to you, looked you so deeply in the eyes that it sent thousands of shivers down your spine and said, "You will never be in my debt, Y/N. It is the other way round. You are very perceptive and very kind, that is a precious combination. You easily notice how your opposite feels and if they don't feel good you want to change that immediately. I was so rude to you before you... disappeared and all you wanted to do was to ease my own burden. I am so sorry."

He couldn't look into your face any longer so he stared at his hands, one covered by yours (which was a lot smaller than his), brows furrowed. Waves of regret and shame flooded your heart and you felt his deep vulnerability. You realized he was capable of such heavy emotions that it was almost unbearable and you wondered how he could still stand up straight carrying around all this guilt, despair and loss. He still couldn't look into your eyes, being reminded of just another awful mistake he made. You had to stop that right now, so you concentrated on your own feelings. Your caring, your gratitude. You watched his features closely and your happiness increased exponentially as he lost the fight to hold back a smile. But all of a sudden he pulled away his hands, stood up and turned his back to you.

"I... I am sorry, what did I do wrong? I meant you no harm, ...I ..."

"Don't." Loki interrupted.

"...Sorry?"

"Don't apologize, it's not your fault. It's just that I... I am too wary. I don't trust others easily, especially if it seems to be simple. My alarm bells ring and I can't mute them."

"Oh. I kinda know that feeling. With me it is the other way round. I don't want to trust others so fast but I always end up doing just that. I think I don't even have alarm bells. It's okay. I just wanted to let you know how I feel about you and that you can relax around me."

"I know that. I know that you don't want anyone to feel worthless or miserable and if it is in your power, you try to change that by being kind and caring. You do that because you know exactly how that feels and you don't want anybody else to feel like this."

His open and direct words hit you like an arrow. You never thought about it but it was crystal clear just as he spoke. You tried to swallow down the tears, "How... how do you come to think so?"

"Because I am a perceptive person as well. But I used it mostly to my own advantage. I admire your kindness. I did not realize it that moment, but retrospectively I can see you always had a connection to your powers. It was when we had this fight and I disappeared. You touched my face and suddenly I felt those gentle emotions. It was like... you were digging out a part of me that I consider as weak but you... appreciated it. That was too much for me in that moment. This certain part is hidden for a reason, weakness is not something to be shown where I come from. All I learned is to be strong, glorious, victorious. Everywhere, all the time. But in this short moment, you showed me something different. That this part has a right to exist. And that you could be the person I can show it to. And then my trust issues kicked in. They still do..."

It took you a moment to process his pure honesty before you could gather some words, "Wow. You truly are perceptive. And you are right, I am the person you can show it to. I always try not to judge anybody. I understand that this will take its time, but I'd totally appreciate every try. You are someone very special and I want you to see that."

Loki smirked and simply said, "I will try my best to break my habits. I started to do so already." He walked over to the light switch next to door. "But now you should get some rest. Don't worry, I will be right here." He grabbed a cushioned chair from the corner and dragged it next to your bed. He made himself comfortable and put his heels up on the furthest corner of your bed. Softly he added, "You will never be alone again.", just before you drifted away.

Taglist: @it-jinxed-us, @humbledarkness, @lunawitch19,@redryderdesigns@rvgrsbrns

#fanfiction #marvel fan fiction #marvel #loki #Loki Laufeyson #loki x female reader #loki x reader #loki fiction #loki slow burn #slow burn #irondad #iron dad #soft loki #fanfic simple #nessa maurice

41 notes · View notes