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podcastlimbo · 3 years

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My honest honest opinion on second citadel season 3

Uhhhh... short answer? I didn’t like it much.

Okay wait before I go on to my long answer I need to say that this is all just my opinion and it’s all subjective. If you liked sc season 3 that’s awesome! I get why you do and I’m glad you enjoyed it!

But I really wasn’t a fan of where they went with it (even from episode 1), and I’m gonna go on a long rambly and repetitive rant about it.

I’m not gonna talk about the way the season ended and the setup for s4 because I haven’t fully formed my opinion about that - to form my opinion means to relisten to the season and i don’t really feel like doing that.

Anyways, these are my unfiltered 2am thoughts about the Rest Of It - maybe I’ll neaten it up later to make it more palatable but for now it’s wordy n messy and you can just. Not read it bc it’ll probably make you mad, or feel free to pick it apart and tell me I’m wrong, or unfollow me (and at least one person has already done so lmao) but like that won’t change the fact that I just wasn’t feeling s3 so uh. That said.

Long answer? I love the second citadel... at least the first two seasons

I love the world building, how the setting is such a unique, deliberate step away from eurocentric fantasy, how refreshing all that is! The Second Citadel (the place) is rich with culture and history from the brief glimpses we get of it (mostly in knight of the crown). Not to mention the monster society, with its own rules (or lack thereof) and environments and personalities.

I love the storytelling, how different mediums are woven into the way each episode is formatted. Rilla has her tape recorder, Damien his prayers, Caroline her letters, and each medium is so well suited to each character, and it truly lets us get a glimpse of what’s going on in their minds, and I find it utterly fascinating how a protagonist of one story could just as easily become an antagonist (or at least, an annoyance) in another

And the characters! Each one so compelling, with their own goals and motivations, their own intriguing backstories and potential.

Most importantly, the way these characters play off of each other is what makes second citadel amazing. Getting to see people with similar experiences but different world views clash (Caroline and Mira), people with fundamentally different beliefs reconcile and meet in the middle (rilla and arum), just, Kabert created so many interesting characters, and watching them bounce off one another is a joy.

And that’s what made season 2 so great for me. The exploration of each character, getting to see their good sides and bad, through either a medium tailored for them, or through interactions with others, as they explored a fascinating world.

The end of season 2 left me so satisfied, but still with so many questions and excitement about what was to come. I wanted to see Talfryn come into his own and step out of his brothers shadow. I wanted to see Damien, Arum and Rilla navigating their new relationship. I wanted to know more of the fate of Rilla’s parents, Damien’s past, the consequences Arum would surely face after defying the monster court. I wanted Marc to finally be recognized by his fellow knights, to watch as Caroline lead the journeymen knights, while learning to trust in others as she was beginning to do. I wanted Angelo continuing to unlearn the implicit biases that had been instilled in him as a result of his upbringing, or more details on Caroline and Quanyii’s relationship. I was also curious!! How would human and monster relations change after the events of the finale? And would we learn more of the past, when humans and monsters lived together in peace?

I was buzzing with excitement for season 3, and then.. it came, it aired, and then it went.

And I felt... meh?

Don’t get me wrong. There were moments that I liked. Some of what I hoped to see did happen (see the above paragraph lmao), getting a glimpse of the western wastes with its own culture a joy. The dynamics between Olala and some of the characters were really fun! And the direction the story took at the end was one I didn’t expect, but left me open to more.

That said,,, everything else about the season just. Didnt gel with me.

Everything I loved about second citadel pretty much wasn’t there??? Aside from Caroline, Angelo and Quanyii, all the characters they spent so much time introducing to us and fleshing out over 2 seasons were just relegated to the side??

I think my main problem with season 3 was that it felt like a completely different show. Characters introduced as part of an ensemble became side characters in (what was supposed to be) their own stories. Character arcs that got set up were dropped, and mysteries/backstories teased were forgotten. Heck, the monster court and senate wasn’t even brought up! The aftermath of the fear bugs attack ont the citadel went unexplored! It’s like nothing in the past season even happened!

And I’m sorry I gotta say this, but the problem is Olala.

I mean. Okay I don’t wanna be super mean- she’s perfectly fine as a character. We root for her, we cry when she cries, and we cheer when she wins the day.

But since all the episodes were centered around her, we didn’t get to see anyone else’s inner worlds. And like okay, yes, they did it for this season of Juno Steel too, where Juno, the previous POV a character for 2 seasons, became a part of an ensemble, and was a side character for many episodes. But this choice worked for Juno and not Second Citadel, because it was a natural progression for his story! We spent 2 seasons exploring Juno’s character, his backstory, his motivations, we saw him come to terms with his family history, grow and change as a person, and by the time he joined the Carte Blanche, we’d gotten to a point with Junos story where we’re okay to step away for a while, and see events through the lens of others.

But that just?? Doesn’t work in second citadel? Because unlike Juno, the characters introduced in s1-2 are virtually unexplored! There’s still so much about their stories we don’t know, and so many ways for them to progress.

But we didn’t get any of that! Stuff established in s1-2 barely got payoff in this season. Characters stagnated, and when previously it was amazing to watch them interact with each other? Having each episode throw different combinations of characters together and seeing how they clashed and came together? Yeah we didn’t get that, it was all the same characters bouncing off of Olala, which is fine at first, but honestly? After the first couple episodes, it got stale.

And remember how before, we would get to see the characters tell their story through a medium suited for them? Well I noticed that the format of this season was a lot moreee audio drama-y (basically a TV show but with no visuals) and while there’s nothing wrong with that, one of SC’s strengths was in using the medium in unique ways, presenting the episodes in unique formats depending on the POV character. And with the exception of a few moments, the season really lacked that!

I know there were episodes in s1-2, like caves of discord and the Janus beast which didnt follow that format, but I think it’s a fan consensus that the episodes that do (moonlit hermit, KOTC lots, lady of the lake) are favourites, because they fully embraced the advantages and limitations those framing devices offered, and were truly perfect for character exploration.

It’s like. Idk. Imagine wolf 359 s3 where the si5 were introduced, and there was like 1-2 episodes of them interacting with the rest of our cast, but then after that the rest of the season just completely focuses on Eiffel and the new characters, and everyone else just disappears n twiddles their thumbs and doesn’t even do anything during the finale. That’s what happened this season, and that’s the kinda weird vibe I’m talking about.

Since I’m already rambling, I might as well just say some more stuff. I was disappointed with the music this season. I can tell Ryan Vibert was trying to figure a way to make SC sound different from Juno, and he was getting there in s1-2! The pieces that stand out now are the soft, acoustic guitar pieces, like Rillas song, or the lone melody line of the guitar in the SC theme. I thought he was getting it with s3e1, when Marc fought the dinosaur while traditional Japanese instruments were playing!! But then for the rest of the season, it was just samey echoey ambient electric guitar, like how it is for Juno. There could’ve been so much potential to give this world its own musical identity, but in the end, that attempt was dropped (at least that’s how it come off to me), just like so many other elements introduced in s1-2!

I’ve gotten this far in my rant, and I haven’t even talked about the story. And the story is. Hmmmmm

Like. It’s completely serviceable? Kabert are good at what they do so the story is a okay I guess? But to be completely honest, the characters and story were so tied together in previous seasons, so much so that in this season, even though the plot was just fine, it stayed just that. Fine. it always felt like there was something missing because the characters were the story, and to have just. So many holes in that department meant that the story itself was fundamentally empty.

Anyways uh. All of this is to say that this all boils down to character. I had my nits to pick with other elements but the fact that Rilla, Arum, Damien, Marc and Talfryn got completely sidelined (Tal most of all) when so much of the previous seasons were spent setting them up- in favour of a completely new storyline featuring new characters and settings when there was still so! Much! Left! Unfinished! From unfulfilled arcs to dynamics left untapped, and creative potential lost, the essence of the show was watered down and it left me with the intense feeling of

Idk. Season 3 felt like a completely different show. I liked s1, I loved a2, but s3 just. isnt second citadel for me. I’ll probably still listen to the next season out of loyalty, but I don’t think I’ll ever feel as passionately about the shows future as I do it’s precious seasons, especially if they continue this way.

Sorry.

#wow thanks for reading all that if you made to to the bottom #I’ve been sitting on these thoughts for a while but I couldn’t sleep last night bc Thoughts so here #I feel like I’m swinging a bat at a hornets nest even though I’m not putting this in the fandom tags ah well #and uhh I guess it’s okay to reblog this??#my posts

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masterhandss · 4 years

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Hamefura♪ Idol AU! (part 3)

Thank you so much to the people who have voiced their interest for this AU! I honestly wouldn’t have planned on writing any of this and just planned to keep it all in my head if no one asked :’’DD Special thanks to @ineedglassesalways for the song reqs for this one! please check her out she has amazing art!

Please bare in mind that my thoughts are an absolute mess and that what i’m talking about switches between Fortune Lover and Hamefura at the snap of a finger. Most info is the same, so just try to understand which i’m talking about while reading fjhgsdjhfg

(Also i’m gonna start calling this “My Next Life as an Idol?! All Routes lead to Doom!!!” or HameFura♪ now hgfjsdgf)

Directory: Hamefura♪ Part 1 - Fortune Lover || Hamefura♪ Part 2 - hamefura

Edit: I added a cut bc i’m starting to sympathize with the people who has to scroll passed all this gjshgf

Random Plot and World-building stuff

Sorcier Entertainment is the biggest entertainment business for the past 2 decades, bringing out and producing the best quality of idols, actors, models, composers, musicians, DJs etc. It is a parent company to a lot of branches and agencies.

Sorcier Pro. is the main sub-branch of SorEn, being the most popular agency for producing the current hit in the market, which are idols. There a few other agencies within SorEn, but they wont be important until later. Geoffrey Stuart is the president of Sorcier Entertainment, and is the overseer of the main idol branch (no one knows why though, probably bc his lil bros are there). Entertainment is such an important and prevalent part of Society that the combination of the Stuarts holding power of the the entertainment industry, as well as Mr. Stuart being the prime minister, they are truly considered to be the most influential family in the country, which is added by the fact that every member of the family is an outstanding and well-respect individual.

Sorcier Pro. has a variety of high quality facilities for their idols, and even had a dormitory where they can stay in. This was done for the sake of maximizing the idol’s work hours while giving them a comfortable and accessible place of rest. Not all idols are living in the dormitories, and is usually just housing the popular ones at the time.

All of the main characters (except Sirius, and Villainess!Katarina) are living in the dormitory during the events of the “game”. Nicol and Sophia has rooms there, but they usually return to their home because they are more comfortable there. Katarina and Keith also regularly visit their parents whenever they are free, so their stay is a 50/50. Maria doesn’t visit her mother often (as her house is too far from her private school and work) so she’s always at the dorms.

A lot of the well known powerful, political and celebrity families (that are the equivalent to “nobles” in this world) are collaborators and sponsors of the company, one of the main sponsors being the Claes Family.

I thought of just making the setting an “Idol Academy” like in Aikatsu! and EnStars!, but I though nah, that’s just too easy. Industry idols are much more interesting to me, and that plot works better for a “idol rhythm game/producer simulator”, specifically for what M.C. gets to do in the game (plus I was listening to IM@S when writing the first part so hgfsdjhfdgsj)

Most prestigious families has their kids be home-schooled, especially ones that are involved in the entertainment industry. This is so that they can focus on their career while they are still young. The exception to this was Maria, until she became an idol and had to take a hiatus from school as Sorcier Pro. expects her to focus on expanding her career. She takes supplementary classes on the weekends.

Katarina’s solo unit name in Fortune Lover is Nobelia (a combination of “nobilis or noble” and “lobelia”, the blue flower of malevolence or evil). She sometimes gets temporary teammates to join for tournaments and projects, but she is a solo idol.

So the units are Fortuna (Gerald, Keith, Alan and Nicol), Amour (Maria, Sophia, and Mary), Nobelia (Katarina solo), Picotee (Sophia solo), Marigold (Mary solo), Alcea (Maria solo), Regalis (Gerald and Alan), Edel Herz (Keith and Nicol).

The name’s origins being: Fortuna as the greek of ‘Fortune’, Amour as the french of ‘Love’, Picotee as the dual colored flower (that can be white and red), Marigold (bc obviously) as the flower of passion, Alcea from alcea rosea (the pink hollyhock, which almost means strength and healing), Regalis as a root word/synonym to royal/royalty, Edel Herz being just a google translate of “noble heart” in german teehee (pls appreciate all the googling I had to do dhfgsjhfdg yes it’s mostly flower names bc I have no originality)

yes i changed the names form my original post, don’t call me out asdfgh

Idols don’t really need a stage name if they are a solo idol, but most popular idols are associated with one so it just became a trend to have both stage names and unit names.

In the original game, Maria’s default stage name is “Cinderella”, which you can then change into the username or player name. This is so that Maria can keep her name while still giving the players a custom name.

Maria’s original stage name is a nod to a lot of things: the “Cindrella syndrome” that her character is based on, The name of Fortuna’s fans/fanbase (as most players really are a fan of the boys), and is also a reference to how you are the main love interest for the boys (as you are their true Cinderella)

Katarina doesn’t retain the same stage name “Nobelia” as Villainess!Katarina does, in fear that it might her more similar to her, leading her to a doom end. She doesn’t have a stage name, unlike her friends. Her fans would call her “Bakarina” online though, but she never finds out about it jhagjsfg

Fortuna is an all-around male idol unit, one that can take on different images and genres with ease. The image of the unit changes depending on which boy is the center/lead of the song:

With Gerald, the music focuses on the instrumentals or the orchestra, giving a royal or heavenly vibe. The songs have an emphasis on righteousness, the beauty of life and a prosperous future. The songs for the fans usually has a theme of “reminiscent love” or “looking forward to a future with their partner”. A good example of a unit center song for his is Genuine Revelation from EnStars, and Flower as a solo song from his VA

With Keith, the music becomes more mature. The songs have more seductive lyrics, and has an emphasis on “forbidden love” or “having a secret relationship” with the fans. The lyrics are usually innocent in nature, until you read in-between the lines. Sometimes, his center songs throw a curveball and becomes about a “pure and innocent love” or “longing to be loved”. A good example for his solo song is Gekkoujou no Aria from A3 (please listen to it, it’s by Keith’s VA and the lyrics screams “Keith”)

With Alan, the guitar, violin and piano take the center stage.The music usually has more instrumentals than lyrics. The songs are primarily about being one’s true self, loving who you are and looking back at the past. Friendship and Identity are common themes in his songs. Sometimes, his center songs would throw a curve ball and be about something like “not acknowledging one’s feelings until it is too late”. A good song that represents his usually themes is Bokura no Kizuna from A3

With Nicol, the music is more slow and deep. The songs are usually about self-conflict, self-development and change. His songs sometimes have a theme of having an extreme adoration for the fans, a love so strong that time nor age can make it falter. “Being the only one for him” is the theme of his more popular songs. A good example for his solo song is Sword and Soul from his very own VA!

Yeah, basically the image of the center idol is reflected in the performance.

I don’t have a full list of idol song recommendations yet, but my friend who i mentioned above already recommended a bunch of good duo songs for the boys!: (feel free to suggest stuff if you guys have any :DD)

Gerald/Keith - Es No Yutsu from A3

Keith/Nicol- Plastic Poker from A3

Alan/Nicol - Don't Cry from A3

In the original game, all four boys we’re scouted while the girls all auditioned to become idols. Now, since they are all close friends, Gerald was able to market the talents of his friends and was able to get them all scouted into Sorcier Production.

Fortuna has a producer before Maria, but by the beginning of the game, he had to leave due to health reasons, leading to the sudden application for a new producer. While many producers offered to take care of the boys alongside their other idols, Fortuna insisted that they want a new producer who would focus solely on them.

Mary and Sophia also have their own producers, but they are barely present because they are busy handing other idols (and eventually, will let go of Mary and Sophia once they decide that they want Maria to produce them)

While Fortuna, Mary and Sophia’s careers were able to skyrocket quickly do to their appeals and talents, Katarina’s career grew slowly compared to her friends. This is because, despite to protests of her Producer Anne, she usually takes smaller gigs in far away towns, malls and small live houses. This is because Katarina wanted to perform in front of people who can’t easily access or attend live performances outside of the internet, just like her own small town in her previous life. She knew how happy she’d feel if there was an idol performance near her area, so she wanted to share that joy to other people.

Katarina doesn’t join her friends in doing acting and modeling jobs until much later, when Maria joins their group.

Anne Shelley acts as Katarina’s fitness instructor, personal health manager, and producer. She was brought into Katarina’s life even before she regained her memories, only exclusively as a health manager recommended to the Claes Family. She ended up taking on more jobs that involves watching over Katarina as the years pass by, as the young girl started gaining more and more interests and hobbies. Katarina wonders how Anne is able to be qualified for so many jobs, but she just sums it up as Anne being amazing! (Katarina: I guess she’s kind of like a maid!... or a babysitter...) Anne was (somehow) able to become a producer in Sorcier Productions and was easily recommended for Katarina due to their history. Anne cares a lot about Katarina in her happiness, and will do anything to support her (both version of her, in fact), so much that she is willing to juggle so many careers in order to stay by her side.

Katarina has a small farm that she tends to in her free time (since she doesn’t get a lot of job offers in the first place) that is located in the garden grounds near the main office of Sorcier Pro. Her visitors/helpers differ each day, depending on who is available (and who intentionally made themselves available to make sure they can spend as much time as they can with Katarina)

While her friends constantly get fan mail, the delivery man is always wondering why Katarina always specifically gets a small light box. In reality, it’s packages sent by Tom the gardener, from the Claes Mansion, showing her all his new prototypes for the snake toy. While Katarina first started out as making them out of paper before deciding on buying them online, she knew her family would be suspicious and question why she’s making such a purchase, so she was surprised when Tom started joining her in making fake snakes, until the snakes started to look even more realistic than the plastic ones online!

Maria Campbell: A Girl Chosen by Destiny

Since “Maria” is an involved protagonist, she gets to keep her name in the game, with her idol alias being the “username”of the player

Just like in HameFura, the game doesn’t give much on Maria’s actual history.

The game does have an implied personality for her, being a kind and hardworking girl who puts all her focus on the task at hand. The game implies that she is also a bit introverted, with her personality becoming more open and outgoing as the game progresses (implied through the slight changes in dialogue choices).

She’s a bit of a country bumpkin who moved into the big city in order to experience the world outside her town. She was able to gain a scholarship to a school in the city, and moved alone to stay with her aunt from her father’s side.

Due to her father leaving the family when she was young to due to rumors that she might be the daughter of a different man, Maria’s relationship with her mother is still very strayed. Thanks to these rumors, her father left her and her mother when she was young, and her town heavily criticized the two for the adultery that her mother apparently committed. These rumors stemmed form the fact that even as a child, Maria was beautiful (with clear blue eyes and bright blonde hair, that are in contrast to her mother’s dull eyes and dull hair). While her mother was fare-faced, the appearance that Maria had was usually associated with celebrities or artists, making people believe that Maria didn’t come from her father. Despite Maria’s mother claiming that none of it was true, the rumors got so out of hand that Maria’s father became ashamed of his family, leading him to leave without a word.

In the beginning of the game, she stayed with an Aunt from her father’s side, on the condition that she somehow pays the bills by herself, leading her to want to get a job.

Maria saw the announcement of Sorcier Production being in need of new staff, so she applied quickly in order to start saving money. Thanks to a set of misunderstandings, she accidentally got the role as a producer, despite her lack of credentials (not knowing that she was the beginning of a big project of SorEn)

Maria is an extremely hardworking person, believing that if she worked hard enough, she will be one day rewarded with the love that she’s always dreamed of receiving. Fortune Lover makes you think that Maria is naturally able to produce 7 idols, but in reality, it’s at the expense of Maria overworking herself to the bone, with almost no time for herself at all. Sometimes she sleeps in her small desk office instead of the household that she’s paying the bills of, in order to maximize her work hours. She dedicates every second that she has on the four boys, so when they shower her with love and attention, she was able to easily fall in love with them as well (and sadly becomes dependent on their validation as a personal reward for her efforts).

A month before one of Fortuna’s biggest live performance (or a little bit after Maria joins them as their producer), Maria oversaw the training of another idol who came to her and ask for help (not knowing that she was just trying to get close to Maria to get close with the Fortuna boys). Maria helped her train her dancing and singing, and even memorized her choreography in order to critique her steps. She became too dedicated in helping that idol improve, thinking that the girl wanted to be friends with her. When the event happened, the female idol was hit with bad karma and injured her leg just as the live started, leaving her unable to perform. This causes an uproar among the staff, as the set list was too complicated to change in such short notice. Gerald, who is aware that Maria has been helping their colleague, encourages Maria to take her place since she knew the lyrics and the dance. Thanks to the encouragement of the boys, Maria debuts in front of a huge crowd, gaining instant popularity as the cinderella idol that saved the live event.

Most of Maria’s job as a producer in arranging the schedules of the boys, staying in contact with their costume designer, staying in contact with their personal composers and lyricists, sorting through job offers, keeping watch of their health, watching them while they practice and accompanying them in their jobs. When she isn’t there to accompany any of them, another producer temporarily takes her place.

As Maria’s popularity increases, she is given job offers that prevents her from focusing on being a producer. Since the boys are very fond of Maria, they are very encouraging of her desire to become an idol too, and offers to help support her and themselves moving forward.

The game itself doesn’t make the changes in Maria’s occupation obvious, since Maria’s idol life is only prevalent in the Idol Rhythm Game Mode, but in reality the increase in workload is slowly eating her up (not that she’d let anyone know that)

Maria, as an idol, gets constantly harassed by her peers (especially Katarina) for being a nobody idol who took the spotlight away from them, as well as for being a close ally to Fortuna. A lot of scenes in the story mode is the boys saving her from the harassment (leading to a lot of good CG art that are sold as posters :P)

Depending on whose romance route you are on, Mary and Sophia start out as very hostile towards Maria, as her existence takes away the attention that their loved ones were supposed to give to them. Sophia warms up the fastest, as Maria’s lack of hostility towards her makes both her and Nicol easily attached. Even after the three starts as unit as Amour, Mary’s relationship with maria is mostly professional, before she slowly warms up to her somewhere near the end of the Alan Romance Route. The three can be considered friends, but they still seemed more like colleagues in the eyes of other people.

When Katarina meets Maria, she was very surprised to know that the Maria she played as in the game was a more humane person than the game shows up (somehow who isn’t perfect in every way, and works hard and long to be able to provide for both herself and the four boys)

Their meeting and friendship bloomed in the same way as the Otome Game version (because i’m too lazy to jot down every minor difference hgfjsdgf), surprising Katarina that baking hobby that was just mentioned in text or used as a plot device is actually real and flourishing, and is something she actively supported Maria.

Due to Katarina’s slow popularity gain, and Maria being a novice idol, they usually took and accepted jobs together since they both needed a boost. Instead of the quick burst of popularity that Maria has in the game, this time she wants to take each step slowly with Katarina, with the desire for them to grow at the same time.

Since Katarina is now aware of the hardships that Maria must be facing as both a producer and an idol, this time Katarina and Anne often help Maria with her paperwork and organization. Whenever Maria isn’t there to follow Gerald, Keith, Alan or Nicol, Anne now takes over if she’s available or she’d recommend a colleague that she knows would assist the boys like a pro.

Katarina insists that Maria doesn’t have to shoulder all her burden alone, and that she has all their friends around to help her and support her as they do with each other. Katarina tells her that it’s okay to ask for help and even offers her hand constantly (wow, Katarina can easily carry all these boxes of documents? My hero~) and Maria takes this lesson to heart.

Even though Maria felt nervous about joining Katarina’s friend group so suddenly, which even includes the very idols that she’s meant to watch over, Katarina was very insistent that Maria’s wonderful and warming presence would let her blend in so easily (Katarina isn’t aware of how the relationships of the characters were like in the original game since she never finished). Maria is eventually able to become friends with everyone, and is easily able to hold conversations with Mary and Sophia without Katarina around. Maria is there to act as a straight man to Mary’s exaggerated attempts at hindering the boy’s time with Katarina, and Maria often acts as an ear to Mary’s gossips about other idols. Maria, while not an avid fan of novels as Sophia and Katarina, can still join conversations about books by asking details, recommendations and insights on books she’s already read. Maria can easily get along with the boys as well, since they are in each other’s presence most of the time due to her role. They don’t hesitate to help Maria whenever they can (despite her resistance), and she’s usually the one who stops the arguments between Gerald and Keith whenever they are in the middle of a job.

Since Katarina ended p being so attached to Maria, the boys sometimes takes advantage of Maria’s role as a producer to have her work instead of attending to the woman of their affections (of course they feel somewhat bad about it, but it’s better than watching them look so love-struck with each other!) but it ends up backfiring when Katarina lets go of all her activities in favor of assisting Maria with her job as a producer.

Whenever Maria is free, she insists on borrowing the small kitchen in the Office in order to use the small over to bake some pastries and treats for her friends. Katarina constantly endorses the amazingness of Maria’s sweets, and they are both happy whenever their friends compliments the results of Maria’s hard work.

Compared to her work schedule in the game, Maria can now work comfortably as both an idol and a producer, thanks to the support and help of her friends.

Sirius Dieke: The 5th Love Interest

Sirius Dieke is a non-payable character in Fortune Lover, who usually appears in Gerald and Nicol’s stories and side story events to explain things about the world and the past relationship of the characters.

He is another idol in Sorcier Pro, and is an old friend to Nicol.

In reality, he’s actually a hidden character within the game that can only be playable if you get a Friendship Ending in the first playthrough. Getting a neural ending is already super hard, so Sirius being playable wasn’t revealed until two months after the game initial release. The game is so good at hiding this fact that not even the dataminers were able to find evidence of his existence outside of being an NPC.

Getting a Sirius Route is only possible in the New Game+ Mode, with story events and side story events dedicated to him alone. He only comes with only one new song though, so people in forums usually don’t recommend going to the Sirius Route in the second playthrough (unless you’re a completionist dgjfd)

There’s also the fact that Sirius’ Route has a completely different tone than the rest of the game. The developers of the game planned on removing his route in their game update, but due to the outcry of his fans, they kept it in, and even included a payed DLC where you can instantly unlock his route on your first playthrough.

In Sirius’ Route, it’s revealed that he was the son of a former celebrity and one of his maids, and that his real name is Raphael Wolt. His mother quited her job just before he was born. They were ultimately hunted down by Mrs. Dieke, who refused to believe that her husband had a mistress.

Raphael and his mother were kidnapped by people payed by Mrs. Dieke, and as his mother begged for her to spare their lives, Mrs. Dieke’s plans were revealed: Her own son is ill and was slowly dying from an illness, and in her jealousy of Raphael’s strong physique and health, she has decided to take Raphael as her own son, as both him and her original son both looked like their fathers more than their mothers.

In front of his eyes, Raphael’s mother was murdered in cold blood and Raphael was left to suffer from various degrees of shock therapy and blunt forces to the head in order to forcefully induce amnesia without killing him. He wakes up in the hospital bed with no memories of who he is, and Mrs. Dieke graciously plays the part of a concerned mother who is visiting her own son in order to sell the idea that Raphael is her own.

In the background, a news headline states that a mother and son was found dead in an abandoned warehouse.

The doctor tells Mrs. Dieke that her son “Sirius” might not recover his memories, and despite the glee in her voice, Mrs. Dieke acts and pretends to be devastated by the news. Unbeknownst to both of them, Sirius did eventually regain his lost memories over time and realizes that the woman claiming to be his mother is in fact the very person who had killed his only family.

Sirius learns that the reason Mrs. Dieke is so insistent on having a son was to be able to nurture and create a new star that would dazzle the entertainment world, with hopes of being able to live vicariously through her son’s career and success. Feeling disgust and hatred towards the woman that he is now forced to call “mother”, he plans to enact his revenge by destroying the entertainment world from the inside, exposing its ugliness to the world.

Sirius ends up becoming an idol because of the encouragement of his “mother”, leading him to be affiliated with Nicol and Gerald. He had already met them when they were all young, and he even planned to have them as allies in his quest to destroy the entertainment industry, only to find them as disappointingly bright eyed teens when they reunited.

When Sirius finds out that it was the effect of Maria Campbell, their new producer, he decided to wage war against her for acting as a thorn to his perfect plans. It’s revealed that a lot of the bullying scenarios in the story mode was orchestrated by Sirius himself, in an attempt to get maria to lose her reputation and her job.

Maria was able to trace back all the incidents to him, and confront him alone in the Office at night, before he left to go home. Sirius laughed and admitted to all of his past and crimes, and mocked Maria for having no proof against him. Instead of condemning him, Maria hugs him while telling him to change his ways. Despite the violent ways that he tries to get Maria off him, she doesn’t let go, trying to convince him that his way of acting in correspondence to his grief is wrong. Sirius cries as Maria spoke sense into him and dissected the flaws in his grand plan, until only the sound of his crying is left in the cold and empty office that day.

In Hamefura, When Sirius finds out that this was the effect of the “saint” Katarina Claes, he had orchestrated various events that could lead Katarina to being condemned by the public through her supposed “bullying” of the public darling Maria. This plans fails, so he plans on using Maria as a form of blackmail to get Katarina to leave the entertainment world in exchange for her friend’s safety. Maria disappears for a few days, causing her friends to be very worried for her, especially Katarina who is somewhat aware of the events that were occurring. During the search, she was able to find Sirius and tried to engage in some small talk, until she remembered a detail that her old friend Acchan said about a dark and secret love interest. Without any thought, Katarina questioned Sirius about Maria’s disappearance, surprising him with her sudden awareness.

Sirius admits to his crimes, and before Katarina can escape, Sirius hit her on the head so she can lose consciousness, but not before screaming about how he hates her ignorant enthusiasm, how she changed his pawns and made them better people, and how he wont let her take his heart and change him as well before he could enact his revenge, with tears in his eyes. This act leads to Katarina going unconscious for a few days. In this come state, Katarina was able to gain information from her old friend Acchan that she can use to save Sirius and Maria.

In the abandoned warehouse where “he” and his mother supposedly died, Sirius has Maria locked up, with no plans of letting her escape until he can guarantee that Katarina is out of the picture. He is shocked to find out that Katarina and her friends were able to find both of them; he goes on a rampage about how he wants to destroy the Dieke family and everyone associated with them and the cruel world they have created, before the feeling of despair and fear for his future leads him to almost taking his own life as a final escape.

Katarina stops him, and tells him that both of them has no future, as a secret love interest and as a villainess, and how she can’t save him the way Maria can. But that if anything else, she can a least stay by his side and take some of the weight off his shoulders, like what her friends have been doing for her since the beginning. Katarina calls him by his real name, Raphael Wolt, leading him to unlocking the final memory that he had lost from his temporary amnesia:

A memory of his mother, in her final moments, telling Raphael that she will always be by his side, and that she wishes for him to have a happy future, even if it wouldn’t have her in it. Katarina’s words made him realize that this wasn’t what his mother would wanted for him, leading him to see the error of his ways.

In both versions, it ends with Sirius turning himself in and confessing to the crimes of both him and Mrs. Dieke, leading to both of their arrest and the return/resurface of the Wolt Family murder case investigation. Sirius’ contract with Sorcier Entertainment gets terminated, and heavy manipulation of the media was used in order to prevent the story from coming into light.

Since Raphael lacked any crimes that would have him arrested, he was set free and left the Dieke family as it slowly fell apart from the controversy. He announced that he wants to spend his freedom as himself, but will one day come back to all of them as a better person.

Without Katarina realizing it, Raphael confesses that his rampage was caused by his fear of his desires for her and her company, and that he was scared that if she continued to open her arms to him in such an easy-going and warm fashion, he would lose all his will to have his revenge on the entertainment industry. Much to the annoyance of Katarina and Raphael’s friends, he takes her hand and promises to come back, to stay by her side, like she had promised to him.

In the Raphael Ending, Maria and Raphael meets again years later as both were on the way to work. Maria has already left the entertainment business and had no plans of returning, while Raphael became a changed man with a good heart and a steady job. Eventually, Maria was able to fall in love with the good man that Raphael was always meant to be/has become, and Raphael was able to rekindle the love and affection that he felt for Maria when they were still idols together.

Raphael had declared that he will back, better than ever! As an idol? who knows :3c But where will he go from here...?

Fortune Lover 2/Fortune Lover Re:Dive

Spoilers for Volume 3 of Hamefura and beyond, since this is about FL2

I’ve had a bunch of ideas that I’d like for Fortune Lover 2, but I’m not really sure if I want to put it out there because it seems too fanfiction-y in a way?

I feel like my ideas are straying far away from the original version, which disappoints me in a way, but then again, My Idol Game version of Fortune Lover is nothing like the Otome Game counterpart, so I’ll still write about it.

If you like the premise for an Idol Game style Fortune Lover, then feel free to just absorb the content above because for (my version of) Fortune Lover 2 to happen, Katarina will still get her bad end: Public Humiliation and Self-Banishment. I’ll save how it happens in part 4

In Fortune Lover 2, there would be 3 new produce-able idols, but in My Next Life as an Idol, there will be 5 new idols:

this is what i meant when I said the plot is gonna feel like a fanfiction :DD

Fortune Lover 2 isn’t really a sequel, as it is like a bulkier and softly rewritten version of FL, like how Persona 3/4/5 remakes are to their original games.

FL2 introduces a new Idol Agency that is affiliated with Sorcier Entertainment: Mahouka Production (also known as MahoPro), a recently established talent agency created by a mysterious Director. Despite being new, they were able to quickly gain a following through the eccentric idols in their line-up.

With a longer story, halfway through the game you start being introduced to three new male idols: Sora Smith, Cyrus Lanchester and Dewey Percy. They are idols that are under MahoPro, who dislikes the idols of SorPro and claims to be their rivals.

They start out as rival characters in the game, taunting you (Maria) and the idols of Fortuna constantly for a few chapters. Some time after your initial introduction, you slowly get to know the boys, until you’re finally able to gain their trust. You can then start to secretly “produce” them without their Director knowing (just like Shika from IM@S Stella Stage), which leads to gaining events, scenes, idol clothes, songs and CGs of the three new boys.

As the new character gets introduced later into the story mode, they are more of an optional route, as the game still prioritizes the original 4 boys over the new cast. You can still “romance” the 3 new characters, but since they are introduced late, it can only be done at the expense of focusing on them almost exclusively during story events and side stories so that you can quickly gain Relationship Points for them.

So basically, halfway through the game, you have the option to produce 11 idols: Yourself (Maria), Gerald, Alan, Keith, Nicol, Mary, Sophia, Raphael, Sora, Dewey and Cyrus. The first 5 being obligatory, while the last 6 are optional

Rufus Smith (or “Sora”, as he reveals to you his real name during the story) is new idol in MahoPro who was able to quickly gain a female following due to his attractive figure and maxed-out sex appeal. Many compare him to Nicol Ascart due to the fact that he is slowly taking a lot of his jobs (or works alongside him at times) due to his handsome face. While both of them are handsome models, the public is aware that there is no point in pining the two against each other since their beauty works in different ways.

In the story (and as hinted in a few side story events), he was a slum rat who didn’t have much for himself. One day, he met a man who had join him and his fellow slum dwellers into their territory, a man by the name of David. The man was able to give Sora a new perspective on life, his new name, as well as how to sing. After David died, he wandered around the country, doing dirty jobs for shady adults for money. A few years later, we was caught singing in the streets by a man who offered to take care of him and cultivate him as an idol at the age of 13, complimenting him for his beauty and his singing. While Sora rejected the offer, the man’s words never left his mind. He started out by singing in the street for change, then getting singing jobs at cafes/live houses/restaurants for money, until he suddenly got a small following as an underground idol. The Director of MahoPro offers a place for Sora, alongside with giving him jobs as a full-fledged idol that can help him provide for himself, leading him to be affiliated with Sorcier Entertainment.

Sora starts out having a rather sarcastic relationship with Maria, thinking that she is one of the many women who throws themselves at him to get his attention. He always gives her back handed compliments as always has a vicious tone when speaking. As the story progresses, Sora realizes that Maria isn’t disgusted by his history, and realized that Maria is truly a good and kind person. Sora starts to unconsciously seek her out, trying to reverse the bad impression that he must have left on her and to be with someone who doesn’t look at him lowly, like the other adults and idols of SorEn who dislikes people that aren’t of celebrity-upbringing.

Dewey Percy is a young idol that auditioned for Sorcier Pro. and won, but was rejected at the last minute in favor of a less talented wannabe-idol who was related to a famous actor. The Director of MahoPro came to Dewey with an offer as an idol, acknowledging his talents in music and dancing that he evidently have been polishing for years. In his town, Dewey was known as a Music Prodigy, as he was talented in singing, dancing, acting and playing instruments, though that’s not to say that those weren’t the effects of his own hard work. Because his family wasn’t the absolute best financially, he decided to audition as an idol in order to get jobs despite being young.

Dewey is revealed to be somewhat of a childhood friend to Maria, as he lived in the same town as her. Despite this, he is very wary of her due to the bad impressions left on his by Sorcier Pro. after he almost lost his chance at becoming an idol. Dewey absolutely hated asking for help, even when it was draining him down. He is very desperate to keep his title as a music prodigy, even though he knows it’ll be drowned once he’s in a battlefield of idols. (Also he tries very desperately to be seen as a mature and hot idol, despite his youth and appearance giving him a cute one instead lol)

Maria realizes how hard Dewey is pushing himself, and convinces him over multiple instances that he doesn’t need to be hard on himself and suffer alone. Maria offers herself as a shoulder to lean on, making Dewey embarrassed but happy at the idea that he can finally have someone to rely on, and that he doesn’t need to be alone anymore. They were also able to bond about their similar upbringing, making Dewey feel at home in the arms of Maria despite being miles away from their town.

Cyrus Lanchester is an idol from a different agency, who was transferred to MahoPro by the time the events of the game began. He has a very strict personality, and is an overall perfectionist as an idol. He was let go from his original Agency because his strictness and tendency to scold his fellow idols caused his peers (who are a bunch of lazy and stuck up children of celebrities) to take him out because they didn’t vibe with his attitude. Before his original producer was able to tell him that he was done as an idol, the Director of MahoPro offered a place for him in their new agency.

While being grateful to the Director for taking him in, he does not hold back in letting everyone know about his distaste for their odd Director. While is he very talented as an idol, he is just using it as a chance to learn more about the industry and gain connections that he can use to be a part of it in the near future.

While he doesn’t start as wary of Maria as his fellow male idols, he insist on keeping distance with her due to the fact that they are of different agencies, as well as the fact that he is not good at dealing with women.

Notes

(I’ll have to rewrite Cyrus and Dewey’s descriptions after Volume 7 comes out, since I don’t have much to work with. I’ll add the Sora, Cyrus and Dewey endings in the edit as well.)

I know some part of Maria and Sirius’ backstory doesn’t make any sense but just use your imagination lol hgjgfjsfgd

More about Katarina, the silhouettes, the Director, and how it affects the story on the next part :DD my fingers really hurt from all this typing hgjsdgfjs

If ever i’m dissatisfied with what I have here and end up changing things, don’t be surprised jhfjshdgfs

Next Part is gonna be plot points that I want for this AU and a bit of FL2, so sorry if the next one might not be that exciting fsjhgfjsd

feedback and suggestions are very much appreciated! Thank you to the few people who are interested in this AU :DD

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steponmepinkjun · 3 years

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I NEVER FINISHED MY STORY OMG. ok so i left off at being too proud to tell my friend she was right and kpop fucked hard. the difference between u and me is that i’m too good of a liar. too good. i kept up the “i hate kpop it’s cringe” facade for ALMOST TWO WHOLE YEARS, I SHIT YOU NOT. why? bc my dumb ass, extra ass, dramatic ass self thought “ok if i’m gonna have to deal with the embarrassment of admitting i’m wrong, i better do it in such an extra ass way it’ll knock ur socks off so hard that YOULL be the one embarrassed not me.” the original plan was to learn the entire choreography to bts dope, bc it’s the song that she told me to listen to and inevitably the song that got me into them, but later switched to bts fire bc i saw too many of those “choreo matches w any song” videos, and then her birthday party came up. and here’s the real kicker. her birthday is April Motherfuckin Fools. so it would be So Perfect for me to reveal my kpopism as a birthday present And a april fools prank in one. so i was Set on the Reveal being on april 1st, but the day rolls around and god that choreo is so fucking hard and i am Not a dancer. never have been. so i abandon that and go ykno what… i’ll do it Next Year. BC MY BITCHASS WAS LIKE NO THE MOMENT IS TOO PERFECT TO DO IT ON A NORMAL ASS DAY ITS GONNA BE ON APRIL FOOLS ON HER GODDAMN BIRTHDAY OR NOT AT ALL. a year rolls by, i’ve told most of our friends except her and they’re all in on it, i’d made so many subtle kpop references to her without her realising they were fully intentional and had too many scares where she almost figured me out but i lied my way out of it, and i’d given up on showing off with choreography bc i couldn’t make that shit look good. i’m not a dancer. i am, however, a rapper, and a damn good one, so i inhaled the agust d mixtape and decided i’d just rap the eminem of kpop’s anthem at her face. in korean. and change the lyrics at the end (if u haven’t listened to agust d, the bridge repeats “i’m sorry” a lot) to “i’m sorry i kept this from u for so long” and “i’m sorry i actually ult got7 not bts” (this was like the april after skz debuted ok i was holding onto got7 for dear life knowing full well skz we’re going to convert me smh) and the best part? she never saw it coming. her official present was a cd with a bunch of kpop on it but she thought it was just a personalised mixtape for her so i told her to play the first song out loud and she knew the song Instantly. it has a long intro so she was like “i guess u did listen when i recommended u this song!! i knew you’d like it since u like rap so much!!” and then i started rapping and i shit u not. she started SCREAMING. like the initial reaction was her jaw dropping and then instinctively covering her mouth but when i kept going and she realised i wasn’t fucking around she just fucking screamed like a banshee. at the end during the sorry bit i threw off my jacket to reveal a got7 shirt on the inside and she fell off her chair and started rolling around on the floor. needless to say it was every bit as satisfying as i thought it’d be LMAOOOO afterwards her ass was like “I CANT BELIEVE U HID THIS FROM ME FOR OVER A YEAR” and when i tried to explain my ego couldn’t take the “i told u so” she was like “you know i wouldn’t have made fun of you for it right? i would just be glad you’re not hating on my boys anymore” so basically i’m a big dramatic fool and she was always too good for me.

don’t mind the weird spaces here my ipad is being all fucky wucky w me rn. damn sad to hear ur sideblog experience didn’t go so well, i’d have shown u the cool side of the fandom if i knew 😤😤 leading u thru the cursed halls of kpop stan tumblr like a sketchy tour guide that’s actually 3 small raccoons stacked on top of each other like a trench coat, like “over here we have the fanfic writers that honestly need to publish a book, over here we have the gif makers that are responsible for my entire camera roll, if we take a quick swerve past the death threat anons and the twt fanwar screenshots - mind ur feet bub the 14 year olds were tryna make a grab for ur ankles - ah here’s the holy grail of shitposts, you might be here for hours, to the right we have the weird aussie side of the fandom that projects our childhoods onto chanlix but also all the members as we decide what their life in australia would’ve been like, and down there is a secret trapdoor to the blogs w endless random headcanons that will make you laugh, cry or blush depending on if the author woke up and decided to choose violence today. enjoy your Stay!” but then again i’m not so active on tumblr anymore (ngl you’ve become the highlight of my tumblr experience these days, interaction wise,) so maybe all my Local Hotspots are inactive now. i know a bunch of them are, it’s sad. “i don’t fw stan twitter for the same reason i don’t hang out in meth dens” oop. guess i’m a meth addict. no but i get u i rly do, it’s a hellhole out there, but the fact that things get shared and spread a lot easier than on tumblr and how short most things have to be (therefor keeping up w my adhd attention span without having to resort to the mental torture that is tiktok, with the added bonus of not always needing headphones.) that i just. couldn’t leave if i tried. maybe i should try being active on tumblr again but it’s a dying site in comparison.

“their music doesn’t consistently hit for me as much as skz” i’m sorry we can’t be friends anymore. what. what. you don’t dramama ramama ramama hey? you don’t feel a little jealousyyyyyy, naega anin? you don’t shoot out, shoot out, shoot out, or aremdaeun love killa love killa? you can’t be your hero du du du du du du du du du dududu? u disappoint me. literally like everyone i know who likes skz music likes mx music like it’s a rite of Passage. they’re kindred spirits, monsta x music is like skz’s music’s cool but mildly heterosexual older brother. neither of them know what a bad song is it runs in the family. and both their music runs in my VEINS. whenever i describe my music taste they’re always the first two that come to mind, skz being my number 1 bc they are my best boys but mx bc of the Flavour. pls listen to the entire the code album then get back to me 😤🙌 ok but fr ur so right they are 7 of the finest men i ever seen (yes i say 7 bc i’m including wonho cause he deserved better and i’ll die on my ot7 bullshit.) like don’t get me started on them either LOL i LITERALLY downloaded that one insta video of changkyun working out his back n arm muscles w his tattoo showing bc i needed that shit saved for Science. they could do Anything w me like frfr. yes vixx is the bdsm contract group i’m telling ya they wildin. or at least they were. it’s been years since their last comeback idk what they’re doing anymore tbh. and yeah that makes sense, savouring the hyperfixation i feel it, but also i’m so attached to skz that i never let it die. like i hyperfixate on other things and other groups but i will Always go back to skz cause they’re my homeboys. hell, they’re my home. being a predebut stay i’ve spent more time w skz than most of my actual family members at this point. but that’s just me you do u boo xx just know that if ur anything like me ur never letting go once skz it’s been my longest lasting fixation cause they hit like Nothing Else Do. ik i’ve already said that but i cannot stress it enough. they’re really special. i’m gonna stop here before i get all sappy and emotional bc i really love those boys so fucking much and i don’t drop the L bomb often. SIDE NOTE I WOULD LIKE TO SEE UR LIST OF GROUPS RANKED BY THORSt. i need to judge ur Taste. and omg cat&dog is such a guilty pleasure song bc the lyrics make me cringe so much bc while pet play can be fun they be doing it in more of an “i’m an innocent soft dogboy uwu” kinda way that just Does Not Sit Right with me. it comes back to the objectifying of asians that asians themselves don’t help in industries like these and maybe i’m looking too far into it when rly it is just wholesome n cute or maybe they are into some pet play shit idk idc i will bop to the song regardless but i will not acknowledge the lyrics nope.

YOURE RIGHT THO SKZ’S OPENNESS IS IN FACT, A BIG DEAL, i’ll grab them for u if u want but i found these twt threads of skz supporting the lgbt community and i just felt a special kind of happiness man like sure the delusional part of me likes going “haha they’re gay” bc my brain likes to imagine them as my polycule of mlm boyfriends bc sometimes thats what gives me the serotonin to get me thru the day ok don’t judge but also bc it’s nice knowing that yes i’ll never know them personally, but at least i can support them knowing they’d respect my gender identity and my pronouns, they’d respect who i choose to love, and that’s already more than the general public can say so shit, it is special! it’s special that they don’t treat being cishet like the norm - they constantly remove gender from their songs and speech entirely, they don’t assume all stays are female anymore, we don’t talk abt the babygirls incident cause we got babystays in the end outta that ok, and it’s just. so refreshing and important to me bc i can’t get that anywhere else!! like my semi ults are the boyz and while i love them very much and there’s no way all 11 of them are straight i refuse, i do get just a little bit sad whenever they she/her their fandom by default and call them their girlfriends n shit even tho i do still identify as a girl, i’m also genderfluid/nonbinary/transmasc, and i have a very love/hate relationship w my womanhood and rarely use she/her pronouns, cause it’s like, do you not see me? see us? the ones who aren’t cishet women? i mean i know kevin does bc he congratulated a fan who came out as nb but it’s just not the same as the openness we get w skz. like how do i trust cishets i could be supporting them as a queer person when in reality they’d call me a slur. what would i know, behind the screen? so it’s so good that skz go the extra mile to make it a safe space for everyone. this is already long enough i will reply to the second half of that ask in another message… tomorrow cause it’s 1am and i’m tired gn -felix bi anon

I'mma have to start putting these under a readmore so that i don't absolutely make everything who is still following me for some reason go totally fucking insane 😂

NDJDHWJJAHFNAKBSJSBFBHHDBDNAJD YOU HAVE NO IDEA THE FACES I WAS MAKING READING THIS, I WAS FUCKING CACKLING AND GASPING EVERY OTHER SENTENCE SO HARD THAT I SCARED THE CATS NDJWHSHSB the fact that you went "oh you want me to get into kpop? Give me a hot minute, and I'll give you a whole ass private concert for free" biduehsjdbd biiiiiiiiiiitch you're a fucking ICON, I stg I could NEVER 😂 (and not just because I couldn't find a tune if you gave me a printed set of Google maps directions and that I embody the steriotype that white people can't dance, like my sister kept sensing me tiktoks of the whole "dance like a white girl" trend going lmfao look it's you and eventually I was like "sis please this trend has me feeling like being white is a disability and these mothafuckers are being ableist 😭 also I could NEVER be that on beat so yall ain't even doin it right 😭😭😭😭"). Tbh if I told one of my friends (lol what friends, i got jokes) to get into Skz and they showed up at my bday and performed the entirety of I Got It I would simply shower them in money and go "aight everyone else go home, you are no longer needed, you are being laid off, your position has been eliminated, we're downsizing, the company is moving up and you're moving out, you are not qualified for this role any longer, best of luck with future endeavors" 😊

I think part of the reason I can't deal w Twitter is the exact reason I refuse to leave tumblr, in that I've been on tumblr since 2006 and twt since 2008, and tumblr literally has not changed at all, not even a little, whereas going from the early days of twt where there were no corporate sponsorships or ads and you had to manually copy and paste someone's tweet and @ them to retweet it, to how it is now, like 90% ads and showing me shit from the timelines of people I don't even fuckin follow n whatnot, it's just not enjoyable. Idk how anyone finds anything on twt, it confuses and frustrates me because I am old and have not adapted well to technology changing 😂 But arguably, the skz fanbase doesn't want me on skztwt anyways so like it works for both of us lmfaooo. I am old and cringey, and also still think of twt as stream of consciousness whereas tumblr is your teenage bedroom where you can decorate the walls with anything that interests you. I do really love the nonsensical kpoptwt shitposts tho fhshsbdjjss like it is a very specific flavor of mental instability that I enjoy immensely 😂 OH and also I initially misread part of that and thought you were saying you actually irl do meth and I was like 😳 WHAT DO I SAY TO THAT. HOW DO I HANDLE THIS. Like how do I express like "I wasn't being judgy of people who use substances cause I've been there but I was just being insensitive 😳" And then went back and reread it and was like WHEW, IM JUST AN ILLITERATE FOOL 😂😂😂😂 ejeywhdhrhjwbfbdjshdhdhd I spent like an hour bwign like "IS THE REASON WE GET ALONG BECAUSE THEY'RE ON METH???? WHAT DO I DO WITH THIS INFORMATION??????" hrhehshe I am literally a fuckin idiot it's fine

It's not that I don't fw them, it's more like... Okay so like there is no situation in which I am going to skip a skz song if it comes on shuffle. You will not ever catch me NOT in the mood to listen to Sunshine, if God's Menu comes on we are THROWIN the meager amount of booty meat I got hither and thither, I could be in the happiest mood of my life but if Ex comes on I will stop to SOB. And I'm not like that with most music, so mx just falls into the category of "there is a time and place." Idk why but it just doesn't forcibly grab hold of my heart and ass the way skz always does. I really don't WANT my skz fixation to ever end, but I know that eventually it'll stop giving me dopamine bevause my brain is my worst fucking enemy 🙃 like my arcana fixation is to date the longest running hyperfixation I've ever had, going on almost three years, and I used to not be able to spend every single second of every day thinking about Asra, but now... I just feel nothing when I look at arcana stuff. As you can probz tell by the fact that I hardly post arcana anymore 😂 So I know that eventually all my happiness will end, it always does, I can never stay just as obsessed with something as I was for long. I CANT SHARE THE LIST BECAUSE I DONT *HAVE* TASTE YET 😭 I'm basically just compiling a list of any group someone tells me I should look into, ranked by how strong the kitty purred upon googling pics of them 😂 My mom read my ass to FILTH over txt lmfao she was like "they're not that adorable. Maybe your standard for adorableness has gone down with You Know Who still on hiatus 🤔" bfjwhdhd like MOMMAAAAA THE LIBRARY IS CLOSED 😂 she attacks me any time I even hint at stanning other groups, she is a skz purist and stans skz only, unofficial Momma Stay of All Stays keeping me in check lmfao.

I feel like skz really do follow thru on their promise that they're a safe space for stays, it's nice to see that they hold space for anyone and everyone in their fanbase and do it in a really simple and elegant way, I feel. Like they never make it seem like "okay here are the fans and here are the token weirdos that were only recognizing to make a buck off of them" the way a lot of artists make it feel like 😑 like they don't go out of their way to act like it's some revolutionary act to do the bare minimum of not shitting on certain parts of the fandom, if that makes sense. They feel very "yeah, of course we love all our stays, this is a welcoming space for literally anyone, that's how it should be, that should be normal," instead of like "Hi fans we love you 😊 and special shoutout to you ell gee bee tee folk, make sure to buy my rainbow merch after the show!!!" you know? Like, they're the friends who would never make you feel weird or different for some shit, the friends that take the attention off you if something they know ur sensitive about comes up, instead of weirdly snapping at whoever brought the unfomfy thing up which ruins the mood and makes you feel tiwce as bad, yk? They just give off this vibe that they, and the space they create with their music, is just a genuine and chill place to be and hang out and relax and bond. I feel like they'd be the friend group that is so goofy and sweet and silly and accepting and lovely and always makes you feel loved and excited to be alive 🥺 They are all good noodles 🥺🥺🥺

#felix-bi-anon #asksteppie

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hellbentwidow-moved · 4 years

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--– CHARACTER STUDY.

LAYER 001 : THE OUTSIDE.

NAME : sadie jane adler

EYE COLOUR : dark hazel

HAIR STYLE / COLOUR : dirty blonde, wavy 2b hair type. reaches to her mid-back in most verses. typically always tied into a strong braid. far cry and fallout sadie has shoulder-length hair (see: bri.e larson in cap.tain marvel) but it grows up to its canon length later on

HEIGHT : 5′5

CLOTHING STYLE : typical cowgirl attire. boots with loud spurs, high-waist boot cut jeans, button-ups. always wears her hat, a bit torn and dusty. bounty hunter/rdr1/fallout sadie is a bit more flashy-- shiny, expensive belts, lots of weapon holsters, pricey and weather-resistant and super heavy duster jackets made out of genuine leather. several rings if she’s not wearing gloves, but she typically is wearing gloves since it helps with rope burn

BEST PHYSICAL FEATURE : she’s got an unfairly nice facial structure. sharp jawline, prominent cheekbones. her lips are full and feminine too. her overall face is nice to look at in my opinion, though some are turned off by her laughter lines. they make her look older than she actually is. (also her a++++ ass obviously).

LAYER 002 : THE INSIDE.

FEARS : losing someone she cares about again. she lost jake, arthur, john and abigail. she craves romance but she’s terrified of having history repeat itself with her so she tries to avoid it. she’s not very good at it though.

GUILTY PLEASURE : sadie is pretty damn shameless and doesn’t feel guilty about anything she enjoys. when starting a relationship with someone she’ll be a bit embarrassed to admit to her uhh kinks, since she does like things on the rougher, meaner side, but once she warms up enough, she’ll open up about it.

BIGGEST PET PEEVE : she has a lot because she’s a very irritable person but people mistreating/abusing innocent people, taking advantage of the poor and all other things revolving around that are her #1 pet peeve

AMBITIONS FOR THE FUTURE : honestly once she gets her revenge on the o’driscolls... she doesn’t really have one. she wants to be free and wants to go on adventures but she also wants to settle down with someone and have a normal life. she doesn’t know what she wants the most. she’s a bit aimless and if you ask her this she’ll say “whatever my next job requires me to do”

LAYER 003 : THOUGHTS.

FIRST THOUGHTS WAKING UP : usually she thinks about what chores she has to carry out, or what her current job requires her to do. she will also always think about how she misses jake though it’ll dull down once she gets to wake up to someone again

WHAT THEY THINK ABOUT MOST : uhhhh revenge....... also money, and what she can do to help her friends/significant other

WHAT THEY THINK ABOUT BEFORE BED : what she has to do the next day, if she locked the door (always gets up to go check because she’s paranoid) or if she chose a safe enough spot to set camp for the night. also about how tired she is.

WHAT THEY THINK THEIR BEST QUALITY IS : ask her and she’ll snort and say none, but her determination to get shit done and her fierce, unwavering loyalty to her friends without a doubt

LAYER 004 : WHAT’S BETTER ?

SINGLE OR GROUP DATES : for the first couple of dates, definitely single. once they know each other very well then group dates would be fun, but she still prefers single

TO BE LOVED OR RESPECTED : respected

BEAUTY OR BRAINS : brains and brawn

DOGS OR CATS : dogs because they’re loyal and also very useful in a farm

LAYER 005 : DO THEY…

LIE : usually not. only does it to protect someone else, be it their integrity or their safety. she also lies to avoid further questioning on say her well being or something relevant, but it’s never with malicious intent

BELIEVE IN THEMSELVES : oh yes. she knows she can do whatever she sets her heart to, even if it may seem impossible to others. it ties into her stubbornness but she is very confident in her skills

BELIEVE IN LOVE : 100%. she was madly in love with jake. he was the love of her life and she still loves him. for a long time she wasn’t sure if she’d be able to love anyone ever again. she does eventually fall in love again (with who depends on the verse lmao) but she’ll never stop loving jake. he was her first love and he truly was the love of her life and her soulmate but that wouldn’t invalidate her future significant other

WANT SOMEONE : it depends on the verse???? most of the time it’s a sexual want before a romantic want but it ends up developing into romantic since sadie isn’t a “no strings attached” type of gal, unfortunately for herself

LAYER 006 : HAVE THEY EVER…

BEEN ON STAGE : she has not and doesn’t want to

DONE DRUGS : no, she’s just into cigarettes and alcohol

CHANGED WHO THEY WERE TO FIT IN : no. she’s a blunt, rough around the edges woman and she’ll never change that about herself to make someone feel more comfortable. it’s made her fight a lot of people (pearson, micah, bill) but she knows who she is and she’s not going to let her sense of identity be taken away

LAYER 007 : FAVOURITES.

FAVOURITE COLOURS : hmm she really likes yellow and red but not together. for clothing she always wears something black but dips into those two colors a lot

FAVOURITE ANIMAL : horse, no hesitation

FAVOURITE BOOK : honestly even though she CAN read, she’s not a big reader. she enjoys Frankenstein bc it’s fun and super creative

FAVOURITE GAME : five finger fillet and dominoes..........

LAYER 008 : AGE.

DAY THEIR NEXT BIRTHDAY WILL BE : i haven’t established this LEAVE ME ALONE

HOW OLD WILL THEY BE : uhhhhhhhhhh like late thirties/early fourties?

LAYER 010 : FINISH THE SENTENCE.

I LOVE : “My job.” (bounty hunter/mercenary)

I FEEL : "A bit worn out, but nothin’ some sleep and a cold beer can’t fix.”

I HIDE : “Ain’t got nothin’ to hide.”

I MISS : "Jake.”

I WISH : "...For that cold beer to be brought over t’me.”

TAGGED BY : stolen from @grandzealot TAGGING : take it and @ me cowards

#( &. no shrinking violet [ HEADCANONS ]. )

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queenofthefaces · 4 years

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*slams down paper* Give a thesis on Stanny boy. :D

I finished all my exams so LETS FUCKIGN GO!!! A lot of this is personal interpretation combined w hc character development 👌 I went kinda off topic bc y’all apparently like my analysis!! So here u go!!

1) sexuality hc: I love exploring queer themes w Stan sm ;;o;; I think he’s an incredibly relatable character and fandom tends to focus on his good morals so he’s the kinda character we’re more comfortable exploring like that :0 (unlike Eric who’s Problematic or Kyle who’s pretty morally gray and who has some questionable interactions w the ppl he’s had romantic interactions w)

And I love portraying Stan’s exploration into his sexuality as a very...slow kind of journey? Like Stan being someone who’s pretty ignorant but earnest, and appreciating when someone is able to help guide him (like Kenny or wendy)

But to the question: I hc Stan as bi!! Like a lot of ppl do :0 again w the slow journey, I see Stan as being the kind of person who would get into queer issues, and just being curious in general and asking questions, alongside wanting to explore w other people—like feeling a romantic/sexual tension w/ another boy but not knowing what it means, and only after he’s had someome start to guide him does he connect the pieces. Like Stan realizing “oh all those times I had a CRUSH on that guy I didn’t just admire him” sort of thing

And it’d be a very personal journey as well, I can’t imagine Stan being open or talking abt his sexuality while he’s still tryna figure it out, mostly bc he isn’t sure abt himself and he doesn’t feel secure enough to be open, plus he’s probably shy abt that kinda thing in the beginning.

And honestly I prefer Stan exploring his sexuality with Wendy or Kenny—I have a whole hc that he’d be uncomfortable with talking to kyle about it, not bc he has anything against Kyle—it’s just that Kyle sometimes gets too in his own head, gets uncomfortable with serious conversations, can sometimes leave Stan behind, and can think he knows Stan best/talks over Stan. I can’t see Kyle being someone patient enough to let Stan talk without adding in his own two cents and confusing or frustrating Stan, and Stan needs someone attentive and non-judgmental to talk things through

Wendy (esp w Wendy as a v knowledgeable queer person) is a good choice to help Stan out bc she’s very compassionate, emotionally sensitive, and wants to help.

(Going into hc-zone:) wendy might also fall into the thing Kyle does where she talks over Stan, in that she knows *so much* she thinks she can guess what Stan feels and kind of flood him with too much information unintentionally. It’s not a bad thing to try and inform him about gender stuff and bi/pan/ply/omnisexualities but Stan isn’t ready for all that yet. And I think Stan is also the kind of person who wouldn’t be super comforted by labels and facts the way Wendy is. Where Wendy likes having specific definitions to explain how she feels, Stan is overwhelmed by those labels bc he’ll overthink them and doubt himself

...which is why I prefer Stan exploring this stuff with Kenny, bc I have a really elaborate kind of relationship development between those two that could blossom if they let themselves grow closer, esp during times where Eric and Kyle are off doing Their Thing. Kenny being someone who’s incredibly sure of who he is, being a great listener, very emotionally sensitive, able to keep a secret, and able to read people well and handle situations between people. Ken is the type who can listen to Stan w/o judging him or making him feel overwhelmed, and knows when to ask questions and when to back off, etc. I have a whole thing abt how their developing relationship can be incredibly mutually beneficial but Yanno that’s for the next bulletpoint 👌 basically Kenny could be someone Stan can explore himself with, and not be pressured

And then there’s Stan’s gender identity which I also Love. I love nb Stan. Just in the kind of nb where he doesn’t want to give himself a specific label, he just wants to Be Himself, whatever that means. I hc Stan as primarily male-aligned nb, in that he’s most comfortable with being a guy or being perceived as a guy and generally presenting masc, but a lot of that is in Stan being more *socially* comfortable presenting that way, instead of him feeling more “like a guy.” I hc Stan to primarily use he/him pronouns but to also be ok w/ she/they depending on the situation. I think Wendy and Kenny would also help him w this, in hc’ing both of them as nb as well (though of course their identities manifest in different ways and they’re comfortable doing different things than Stan)

(Also I love Stan using goth stuff to explore his gender and presentation....using a more feminine name like Raven?? Being able to use nor androgynous ways of dressing?? I lov him sm ;;o;;)

(Plus I have a big hc I love where Stan tries to come out to his parents and he’s bracing for impact for the response and BOTH TIMES his dad STEALS THE SPOTLIGHT bc it’s like “ugh, what is it with kids these days coming up with FAKE TERMS for stuff that’s JUST NORMAL. It’s NORMAL to think about wanting to kiss other guys Stan duh” and Sharon and Stan just. “No....dad....straight men don’t want to kiss other men wtf” and later it’s “ok Stan I believe you about the bisexuality thing but this nonbinary thing?? Again it’s NORMAL!! To feel like a bit of both and want to be seen as a woman sometimes” and Stan’s just pinching his nose again.

He was afraid of becoming his father but. Not like this. Nb bi KINGS)

2) Otp: STENNY!!!!! I love stenny sm. (But I’ll get into that in a bit but first)

S/tendy is also really really cute, but imo it’s the pinnacle of school love. I feel like Stan and Wendy can be good together and genuinely like each other’s company, but I feel like their life goals and ambitions would stray, and they wouldn’t be completely compatible in a way that would be really sustainable as adults. It’s not a bad thing, and I think they could absolutely remain close friends w/o necessarily needing a romantic relationship

Anyways. I adore Stenny. A lot of it again revolves around some development hc stuff I have, mostly in how compatible and mutually beneficial the relationship can be. I like imagining them growing closer and more intimate w each other in a very private kind of way. Like them hanging out one on one, and eventually that evolves into texting, calling, sleeping over w just the two of them, etc, until they have this entire close relationship that’s all their own

And with compatibility, I think both Kenny and Stan are incredibly compassionate, sensitive, thoughtful people who can just sit and enjoy some silence. Unlike Eric and Kyle, who need constant mental stimulation—who need to be DOING things—Stan and Kenny can just...relax. And I think their sensitivity can also lead them to be able to support each other emotionally. Both of them can listen to each other, both of them are capable of having serious conversations and being patient through those conversations, both of them are perceptive and sensitive enough to recognize what the other is feeling and to have some idea of what to do about it. I think they’re both good at knowing how to take care of people (rather than someone like Kyle, who likes taking care of others but doesn’t really know how to do it very well; he’s like his mother in that way, he’s good at obvious stuff like injuries and crying but he can be kinda overbearing, presumptuous, and indelicate abt the quieter stuff but ENOUGH abt Kyle AHJSKDKF)

I think stenny is strong also in how the two can help one another. Kenny is realistic but careful and can provide support for Stan when he’s going through a rough patch. Kenny shows up to Stan’s room in the middle of the night with water and snacks and listens to Stan rant or just *is there* to show Stan he’s not alone. Kenny answers Stan’s 2am texts when Stan can’t sleep and stays on the phone with him all night to keep him company

And Stan is earnest in how much he cares abt his friends and would just...really easily show he cares w/o any judgement. Stan saves seats for Kenny, sends him “be safe!” texts when Ken goes home, offers his bed and his home to Kenny and Karen when they need a place to stay, and it never has an air of pity or self-righteousness about it—it’s just Stan genuinely being nice. And that kind of attention and care is a breath of fresh air for Ken, whos usually forgotten

And both of them are just. They’re a shoulder to cry on, or a pillar to lean against. And that’s smth they need—Stan to feel listened to, Kenny bc he takes on so much stress. They can be a rock for each other.

3) brotp: I love Stan making friends honestly ;;o;;

like I said in my kyle analysis I love the super best friends a lot ;;o;; they really care abt each other and don’t want to lose each other which is really nice. I just...love them being best friends + brotherly towards each other

But I also like Stan making friends outside of the m4—with the girls or the goth kids or even with someone like Tweek. (Though I cant really see him hanging out w “Craig’s gang” mostly bc there’s this air of exclusivity w the “groups,” like an established dynamic that no one really likes to cross, bc they’ve all jus Known each other for so long and have solidified those groups + dynamics—though I can see him also befriending the individual members of Craig’s gang, esp token or jimmy)

His friendship w the goth kids means a lot to me HONESTLY I love the idea of them remaining friends bc they vibe together well—esp when they get a better hang of mental health stuff, and they can talk abt gender and coping mechanisms and cool movies they’ve watched ;;o;; i think being with the goth kids could be a really important part of Stan forming his personal identity and while I don’t think they’d be *best friends* I can still see them as ppl he’d invite to his parties or to the movies and stuff

4) notp: s...st/yle, bc like I said in my kyle analysis I just. Can’t see it. I think kyle hurts Stan too much and that they need to work on their friendship, and that they’re much more compatible as friends than as anything else. I much much prefer a brotherly relationship where they’d feel weird even thinking about kissing each other lol

My other notps for Stan are less about me not liking the ship and more abt me like. Not wanting the characters w anyone else but who I already ship them with. I don’t like Stan with Craig or Tweek bc I can’t see those two w anyone but each other, for example. (Plus I have a lotta hc’s abt craig and his feelings for Tweek ;;o;; craig is a one man kinda guy lmao)

Though I do think Stan is extremely compatible with lots of characters. Idk why ppl ship Kyle w everyone when I don’t think kyle is v compatible with ppl—Stan is def someone who could date like. Just abt anyone. I don’t like Stan ships that aren’t stenny or st/endy but I can at least understand them. Stan is just really nice and approachable and can get along w a lotta people

5) First hc I think of: oh I love the hc that Stan sometimes writes his own music, but he’s kinda shy abt his voice so he doesn’t sing very often.

Or hc that he has a bit of a “dad bod” when he gets older. And the chubbier he is, the happier and more relaxed he is ;;o;; (Bc if Stan is too aware of his body and trying to work out to get the “perfect” figure, he’ll stress over it)

Or Stan growing up to breed service dogs ;;o;; (thank u magnus burnsides for this PERFECT idea)

6) how I relate to this character: I’ve kinda incorporated my own gender stuff into my interpretation of Stan (though I relate more to my gender-interpretation of Kenny)

But I think.....hm. It’s kinda hard to pick out a way I relate to Stan bc I’m so invested in seeing him grow and develop it doesn’t feel like it relates to me. Probably tho I relate to his weird balance of loyalty vs exasperation. Stan loves his friends and family and will do a lot for them. But my god. Sometimes they’re all so stupid. Randy being randy is obvious but remember when Kyle had a breakdown over the fucking Facebook farm game?? Stan is so tired

7) what gives me secondhand embarrassment abt Stan: uhhhh hm. Well, sometimes he’s kinda ignorant and goes along w what everyone else is doing, but honestly I don’t really cringe over Stan. He’s learning and trying and I can’t really fault him for that so much

8) cinnamon roll or problematic fave: cinnamon roll ;;o;; Stan is someone who’s usually pretty genuine and I love his role as the “straight man” in a lot of the stories. He’s been through a lot but I want him to just...be happy ;;o;; I love portrayals of Stan where he can be happy?? Like yeah he can be a cynic but he’s also really compassionate and I jus ;;o;;

#south park #long post #creo talks #anonymous #stan marsh

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teruthecreator · 4 years

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i’m cramming this under a readmore bc i dont wanna dump this shit on my friends but i also just wanna air out my feelings and thoughts bc im having them and im dazed enough to impulsively share

it’s so weird how like....good it is to have a therapist. like i spent nearly 20 years believing my feelings were not valid and i was overreacting and the things i thought were wrong and strange, and it took one person to sit down and actually Hear Me Out to like Completely change my whole outlook on my life. like it’s fucking weird because i love my family and i feel like i can’t leave but like Nobody has ever made an effort to honestly understand me. my sister claims she’s tried, but recent interactions proves she doesn’t understand and she doesn’t want to. and i just remember the times as a kid where my family would tell me i shouldn’t tell people i’m autistic because i was “different” than “most autistic kids” (meaning: i could pass as neurotypical if they trained me well enough) and it really speaks volumes how no one wanted to understand what me being autistic would mean. or, they did the bare minimum of understanding, and didn’t realize that with age i would grow and change and develop and things would change.

i had a very eye-opening session w my therapist this week that just has me really...hesitant to talk any family members right now. like, i feel like i have to put up such a front around my family. my mom was really up my ass over the holiday because i wasn’t Always happy, and she kept saying she just wanted her “sunshine girl back” like my identity had somehow changed because i wasn’t as jovial as i was as a kid. but like that’s not True. i still consider myself her sunshine girl; she’s been calling me that since i was a kid and it’s not like i Hate that petname. sunshine yellow is my favorite color; i identify so heavily w the sun! but i sorta have come to realize and accept that the reason my mom thinks i’m not her “sunshine girl” anymore is bc i’m not hiding my sorrows anymore. i’m being genuine and raw and real and my mom can’t accept that that’s just the person i Am.

i’ve had a Long Fucking Life. i’m optimistic, but that doesn’t mean my trauma goes away. i just didn’t understand anything for the Longest fucking time because i was sheltered, and then when i came to terms with everything i was Hurt. yeah, i changed. but everyone changes! it’s because i changed to be a more genuine person that my mother can’t accept, because parents don’t wanna see you be sad. but parents Also don’t wanna see the damage they’ve caused their kids, and as much as my dad is the alcoholic no-show, my mom is not without her faults.

my sister recently told me i only cared about my own feelings, and that really pissed me off because i have Always put everyone’s feelings above my own. it’s why it took me so many years to come out, and even then once i said it i stopped talking about it because my mom looked so uncomfortable. it’s why i learned to cry silently, so my mother could get her work done and not deal w my stress-induced breakdowns. it’s why i have Always waited for people to contact me first; because i don’t wanna be the one to interrupt someone during work or if they’re busy. i care with my whole heart, but it’s time i start giving that care back to myself. and it’s just so Plainly Obvious to me that my sister doesn’t get me when she says something that dense. when she was at her worst i worried over her Constantly. i Still worry about her! i worry about everyone!

but y’know what? my therapist understood. when i explained the argument i had with my sister, or my frustration over the holidays, my therapist Never tried to belittle my feelings. she’s Always been there to validate me and support me and work me towards a solution to the roundabout ways that i talk. and she commends me for my understanding of my own feelings and how i’m able to pinpoint why things affect me and where the causation may have occurred. and i’ve had maybe, like, four or five sessions with this lady. and the thought of having our sessions stop is fucking Terrifying.

to go back to having no adult support? i can’t do it. she’s like a third mother, and i’ve known her for only a couple weeks. is this what emotional dependency is? all the therapists at my college are only short-term, but some will take on long-term cases if they feel the need. im honestly considering talking to her about taking me on for a while because i need her. i need someone to get me that isn’t hundreds of miles away goddamnit. i need someone who is supportive of me buying a rat and visiting my girlfriend and double majoring and making a podcast and doing all the things i’ve only Barely mentioned to my family bc i’m always met with such Confusion and Discomfort that like....idk

i’m so glad i started therapy honestly.

#in neg city #vent #long post #delete later #i just need to get it out but this is Heavy so it probably won't be here long #sorry for the emotions folks im tired and menstruating so my brain goes into overdrive

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fatui-harbingers · 5 years

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Daenerys Targaryen changed my life for the better

I know, sounds dramatic but it’s not really! She kinda lead me down another (rather short) path of self reflection and self discovery, if you can call it that.

Just in case things get bad in the next episode, I just wanna say that watching one of Dany’s scenes literally changed my life (it's not gonna seem so dramatic once I explain lol) and its really gonna break my heart if they do any more wrong by her (but I don't really think they will) bc she's such an inspiration!

I was watching one of her scenes in season 6 when she was asking the Dothraki if they would be with her now and always and I got all emotional and nearly cried (which was the moment I realized my emotions were making a comeback lol) and then I suddenly realized after YEARS of planning that I actually didn't love the future I had in mind and wanted to be an actor. I had been planning for at least 2 years to be a cosmetologist bc it was more practical and I enjoyed doing things like that most days but it was starting to bore me (I just hadn't realized it till I was watching that scene!) I tried to talk myself back into my plans bc acting doesn't seem very practical and it's not taken very seriously till you're making a million dollars and everyone knows your name. I obviously know that I'm more likely to fail than succeed and I've done as much research on acting as I can (bc I was still trying to convince myself it wasn't worth the risk) buuuut I still wanted to do it.

I used to want to be a performer and a lot of that came from music being such a big thing in my family. That was probably the dream I held onto the longest before I realized it just wasn't for me and it isn't. I'm much better at acting and I always have been (I just didn't know it). After thinking back on my childhood I really do feel that I was made to act (even if not professionally bc I do have to act in front of family bc they're very close-minded people and they wouldn't accept my full identity I guess you could say). My sister and I always had this sort of improv thing going when we would play (as I'm sure lots of kids do). We were especially serious about it when we would play dolls (I still have those dolls and refuse to give them away bc of these memories) we would agree on the beginning of the “story” and just go from there and we usually came up with backstories for our dolls too. If it didn't feel real to us, we would start over. Sometimes we would just do things differently or create a whole new story, it would just depend. I don't know if lots of kids do that or not bc I didn't really play with anyone but my sister but we had to tell a whole story that felt real or we just weren't satisfied!

By the time I was 12, my sister and I had kinda grown apart and she refused to play with me anymore so, after a while of thinking it over, I decided to start writing fanfiction (and I've done it ever since). It felt more fun to write stories bc I was in complete control and my sister couldn't ruin my plans! It did feel kinda lonely though bc I didn't have that other person to connect with and enjoy my imagination with (I'm not someone that likes to write with others or share stories) but I eventually didn't care anymore. She said now she regrets ditching me bc she misses playing together but now that we’re both writing stories, she doesn't seem to care. I guess she’ll tell me once she reads this, if she does.

I still have a very active imagination (though it's a bit darker now bc apparently the older I get the darker I am lol) and I'm really happy I do and that my mom never tried to stop us from playing or enjoying our imagination together or apart. My mom was the bomb tbh. She would actually help us learn by having us talk or write about our current obsessions. Like once, I was having to start writing little essays for her (I think this one was a test run) and at the time, my sis and I were super into Monster High and she had me write about my favorite character and what I loved about them (I even got praise for my use of quotations, which I learned from reading above my grade level 😎). It was actually fun bc I was interested!

One reason that really got me thinking I should pursue acting was how much I can connect to a character when reading. I’m so empathetic it nearly kills me sometimes (I wouldn’t say I’m a full on empath like my sister). I cry when I read or watch anything now! I really started to realize how much I connect with certain characters and feel what they feel when I was reading Divergent. I really connected to Tris and understood her and could relate like I didn’t exactly have when I was reading Twilight. Could be nothing, like everything I’ve written here but it felt important to me so I’m just gonna go with it lol.

I have another reason to wish I could thank my mom in person bc she's the person that got me into Game of Thrones in the first place (and even knew I would love Daenerys and that she would be my fave). So, I wouldn't have seen that scene that changed all of my future plans for good if it weren't for her! I honestly don't expect a TV show to have such an impact on me but this one really did!

So now, anytime I watch that scene, I think wow this is the one scene that completely changed ALL of my plans and made me realize I had a dream I didn't know I had lol. That's me for ya! It's especially crazy bc I was like “I want job security! I want financial security!” and then abandon all my practical plans for the complete opposite. I'd rather not regret not chasing my dreams while I had the chance. And I would like to not wonder what life might have been like if I had when I'm older.

Surprisingly, pretty much everyone I've told has been nothing but supportive (except my dad really. He wants me to have a practical job bc he “doesn't wanna see me fail” or whatever) even my eye doctor that I had literally JUST MET!

And now when I watch any of Dany’s scenes I just get so emotional (I’m apparently emotionally fragile lol) and I’m just like “wow I love you so much”.

And of course, I know acting is anything but glamorous so I’m not just thinking about fame and red carpets (which actually freak me out bc I’m walking anxiety at this point) and I know it can be a very dirty, exhausting hands on job but knowing what it’s actually like to create movies and TV that people love forever, how hard it can be to do just made me want to do it more, strangely enough! I’m weird like that I guess lol.

So yeah, thanks Daenerys, for ruining my plans! Lol, she really is magick y’all. It’s hard to change my mind once I’ve made a plan! I’ve never loved a fictional character more, who actually inspires me in my day to day life like this. It’s crazy! Seriously, she made an awesome speech, not even directed at me and I’m just like “so yeah, let’s abandon all practical plans and go for the least practical career path possible. Sounds great!”

Watching Daenerys just makes me feel like I can do anything. She’s been through hell and I could not have survived what she has, ngl. Plus, I can relate to her better than other characters on the show (Jon is like the one dude I can relate to lol). I used to be able to relate to Sansa and Arya to some extent but they’ve never felt as relatable to me as Daenerys for some reason.

Realizing these things about myself and discovering a dream I didn’t know I had when my life plans were starting to feel less “me” made me nearly as happy as when I discovered feminism and felt like I had a purpose in life and a job to do that was bigger and more important than myself.

I dunno, I just love this fictional woman as much as my sister and cats (who mean the world to me btw) and she’s had such a positive impact on my life.

#personalish #long post #daenerys targaryen #ive been so emotional lately #im just better at expressing my emotions in writing for some reason #me and my sis are close again btw #forgot to mention that #but yeah #daenerys targaryen is the love of my life #and nothing will ever change that

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dontdowhatisayandnobodygetshurt · 5 years

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18, 20, 25, 26, and the advice one for your younger self for the pride asks!!!! I'm forgetting the number!!! Happy pride my love 💜💕💟🌈💟💕💜

YOOO THANK YOU 🌈🌈🌈🌈 and happy Pride by extension right back at you, Cinnamonpuff!! Hope this month is good for you too

18. What is your favourite lgbt+ book?

Definitely Dante and Aristotle Discover The Secrets of The Universe by Benjamin Alire Sáenz, I identified a lot with what Ari was feeling and it helped me a lot when I most needed it. Not to mention it’s just a beautiful story.

20. Your Favorite lgbt+ movie or show?

*inhale*

SENSE8

I could honestly go on and on about it but I won’t bc I know you’ve seen it too and you Know. I’d never seen a series before that was so deeply LGBT+ but also wasn’t based wholly around it. Like Lito’s sexuality drove the plot because it was important and that was realistic but it also just… was? Same as Nomi’s gender, it came up but it wasn’t the driving force, and to see people like me just living and being people and being involved in a fleshed-out different story and not just reduced to their sexualities/gender identities was so refreshing. And honestly… Nomi being shown as lovable and desirable and having a happy ending with somebody that loved and accepted her for who she was will always, always make me cry. I’d never seen somebody like me depicted like that. Ever. It means so much to me and gOD LOOK A ME BLUBBERING OKAY I’LL STOP NOW. THIS SHOW MEANS THE WORLD TO ME AHHHH.

25. Are you interested in having children? Why or why not?

Ahhhhh okay. I always kind of clung to the idea of “NOPE I DON’T WANT KIDS” because it’ll be really hard for me to have biological kids for obvious reasons, and even if I have them via adoption, honestly I’m just plain terrified of making a mistake and fucking up some poor kid’s life. So I try to avoid thinking about it as much as possible, but I just wanna be the best dad if I ever do have kids, I wanna make them feel like the most loved + accepted + supported little potatoes on the planet because hECK THEY WILL BE!!

26. What identity advice would you give your younger self?

“Dude, you’re a dude. You’re a guy. It is so obvious how did it take you fiFTEEN YEARS TO FIGURE THAT OUT YOU DENSE MOTHERFUCKER.” X’D Honestly I really don’t know?? I feel like I’m still a baby in all this, I don’t have anything figured out. Apart from maybe: “don’t keep pushing down who you are just because you’re worried you might upset somebody else by being yourself. It’s your life, not theirs, so live it for you.”

Pride questions?

#Matt speaks #Matt sobs about Sense8 @ one of the few people he knows who has watched it too #<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 #bennyhargreeves #asks

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prodyoongi · 6 years

Text

tagged by @mostlymin! Thank youuu!! I’ll tag @jimincubus @sweetopiaa @uchyu @clairelions

LAST

1. drink - sprite

2. 📱call - my brother bc I lost him in Target lmao

3. text - mom

4. song you listened to - So What, BTS (lmao it just came out on SSBTS, so I played it)

4. time you 😢- honestly idek. I don’t cry often.

HAVE YOU EVER

6. dated someone twice - no

7. 😘 someone & regretted it - oh my god yes, I had 1 kiss open the biggest can of worms in the world and it was not worth it

8. been cheated on - nope

9. lost someone special - my soulmate :(

10. been depressed - yes

11. gotten drunk and thrown up - I’ve gotten drunk a few times, but only once to throwing up. That’s.......a story lmao.

FAVOURITE COLOURS

12. mauve

13. pale pink

14. olive green

15. black

in the last year have you

16. made new friends - Mhm :)

17. fallen out of love - I haven’t been in love this year, so no

18. 😂 until you 😢- I did on Sunday

19. found out someone was talking about you - yeah lmao

20. met someone who changed you - umm....does a boss count? I guess?

21. found out who your friends were - I found out who they weren’t

22. 😘 someone on your facebook friends list - nope

GENERAL

23. how many friends from your facebook friends list do you know irl - all of them except for like 5 or 6

24. do you have any pets - my puppy Kevin

25. do you want to change your middle name - No, sometimes I wish it was my first name

26. what did you do for your last birthday - nothing really *shruggg* had some cake.

27. what time did you wake up today - 9:30 am

28. what were you doing last night at midnight - watching a KDrama with my sister

29. what is something you can’t wait for - KCon & the BTS concert!

30. what are you listening to right now - no music, master chef on TV

31. have you every talked to a person named tom - yup, and I have a new baby cousin named Tommy

32. something that gets on your nerves - people chewing, esp ice

33. most visited website - this, youtube, and twitter probably

34. hair color - dark brown

35. long hair or short hair - long, sometimes when I sit I feel my hair tickling the inside of my waistband

36. do you have a crush on someone - yeah and it’s literally pointless, so I redirect the energy to my biases

37. what do you like about yourself - my personality/discipline, my hair, my lips, and my skin

38. want any piercings - I have my ears pierced but I want more ear piercings

39. blood type - I think A or AB, I don’t remember

40. nicknames - Jay is a nickname actually. some work friends call me queen/queenie.

41. relationship status - single af

42. zodiac - sagittarius (capricorn moon & scorpio rising, which are more accurate than sagittarius sun imho)

43. pronouns - she/her

44. favorite 📺 show - south park

45. tattoos - none but Im developing one. It’ll be bts themed and double as a memorial to the above mentioned soulmate that passed away. I also want one that says bapsae in hangul, for a few reasons.

46. right handed or left - right handed

47. ever had surgery - yes, eye & oral surgery

48. piercings - lobes

49. sports - I watch baseball p much every day and played & coached softball

50. vacation - my best vacation was my month long tour of England. My friend is trying to organize a trip in 2019 to vietnam, korea, and singapore for us though.

51. trainers - I think this is referring to shoes lmao. I have a pink suede pair of adidas.

MORE GENERAL

52. eating - nothing. I haven’t actually eaten today and it’s 10 pm. something I take in the morning curbs my appetite heavily and I forget to eat every day unless I’m made to.

53. drinking - nothing, but I’m gunna get some tea.

54. i’m about to watch - I’m gunna watch a kdrama with my sister soon

55. waiting for - kcon

56. want - hm....something cold to drink. The thing I take also gives me dry mouth.

57. get married - ive always imagined myself getting married at 28. Idk why. I’m single tho so. idk, marriage isn’t high on my priority list.

58. career - advanced english teacher :)

WHICH IS BETTER

59. kisses or hugs - kisses. I had a kiss dream last night andddddd yeah.

60. 👄 or eyes - I’ve noticed that lips/smiles were the first think I noticed on all my biases (yoongi, vernon, yukhei) so lips

61. shorter or taller - everyone is taller than me so its not even a question.

62. older or younger - i don’t care. I’ve actually only dated people younger than me.

63. nice arms or stomach - arms

64. hookup or relationship - relationship.

65. troublemaker or hesitant - troublemaker.

HAVE YOU EVER

66. 😘 a stranger - nope

67. drank hard liquor - yes.

68. lost glasses - uhh...idk if I’ve ever lost sunglasses, but i don’t have regular glasses

69. (oof). turned someone down - many times.

70. sex on a first date - hard no

71. broken someone’s ❤️- many times. not proud of it, but it’s all people I’ve given fair warning so i’m not stressed over it

72. had your 💔- yes.

73. been arrested - lmao no

74. 😢 when someone died - more than I’ve ever cried in my life

75. fallen for a friend - kinda? no close friends tho.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN

76. yourself - yes

77. miracles - yes. they aren’t common, but yeah.

78. 💛at first sight - nooooo. maybe attraction at first sight, but definitely not love.

79. 🎅- no

80. 😘on a first date - uhhh, depends honestly. especially depends on how I knew the person prior. Like if it was someone I had been pining over for a while, and it was the first time on a date, sure. If it was like a blind date, prob not, but who knows?

81. angels - 200000% yes, it’s like the foundation of my religion and identity. I couldn’t cope if I didn’t.

other

82. best friends name - her name was harmonie, and she won’t stop being my best friend just because she’s no longer on earth.

83. eye color - almost black

84. favorite movie - the godfather

85. favorite actor - leonardo dicaprio

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santiagostyle · 7 years

Note

1-150 ;)

I definitely didn’t scroll 3 months back in my archive just to find this ask so I could make a point but anyway LET’S DO DIS

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?

Good question lol probably my brother???

2. Are you outgoing or shy?

Both depending on the circumstances - usually outgoing if I’m with friends and shy if I’m by myself

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?

My best friend from uni (who doesn’t go to my uni anymore), I’m going to a concert w her this weekend I’m supes excited

4. Are you easy to get along with?

Yes I’m a damn delight

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?

I mean ?? Yes probably but I wouldn’t ever be in a situation where they would be the only person there to look after me. Like my friends would be there first and foremost

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?

UGH people that make me laugh

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?

Probably not

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?

tbh my theatre lecturer bc i have class in half an hour and haven’t done the reading

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

Depends on 1. who i’m talking to and 2. the context in which we’re talking about it but usually no

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

probably my best pal from uni

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?

“Yeah I got some”

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

Four Jews in a Room Bitching - Cast of March of the Falsettos

My Boo (triple j Like a Version) - Flume, Vince Staples, Kučka, Ngaiire, Vera Blue

I Have Confidence - Julie Andrews

Rude Judas (mashup) - Rihanna vs Lady Gaga

Romeo (Bassline remix) - Basement Jaxx

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?

YeS

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?

Yes

15. What good thing happened this summer?

I went overseas (although technically that was during Aus winter but it was summer in the US where I was???)

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

Yes

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?

Probably?? I try not to think about it

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?

Hahahah not unless I see him in person

19. Do you like bubble baths?

Yes

20. Do you like your neighbors?

No unfortunately

21. What are you bad habits?

I bite my nails and I fidget constantly

22. Where would you like to travel?

Europe!!!!

23. Do you have trust issues?

Y E S

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?

taking my bra off lmao omg

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?

?????? idk all of it

26. What do you do when you wake up?

Snooze my alarm tbh

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?

I mean neither but I wish I could tan instead of getting sunburnt

28. Who are you most comfortable around?

my uni friends and my best friend from high school

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?

I mean not in those exact words

30. Do you ever want to get married?

I mean hopefully yes

31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail?

Yes

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?

Melissa Fumero and Andy Samberg but like only if their spouses were cool with it

33. Spell your name with your chin.

I am,,,, not going to do that

34. Do you play sports? What sports?

I dance and I do yoga

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?

GOD NEITHER like I listen to music 24/7 but…. brooklyn 99

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

Yes many times tbh

37. What do you say during awkward silences?

Hahaha nothing I’m the worst

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?

two words: Melissa Fumero

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?

I really like H&M

40. What do you want to do after high school?

Plot twist I’m a uni student (I’m studying theatre, film, and english literature)

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

depends on what they did

42. If you’re being extremely quiet what does it mean?

I’m either really like upset/mad or really tired

43. Do you smile at strangers?

I try to most of the time

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?

Bottom of the ocean but also fuck that

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?

My alarm???? Fam I got class to get to

46. What are you paranoid about?

Literally everything this is a dumb question

47. Have you ever been high?

Nope

48. Have you ever been drunk?

yes many times

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?

not that i can think of thankfully

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?

Grey

51. Ever wished you were someone else?

I regularly wish I was Melissa Fumero does that count

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?

I wish I could sing tbh

53. Favourite makeup brand?

probably Too Faced

54. Favourite store?

Was there not an identical question not long ago

55. Favourite blog?

tbh probably @elsaclack but @johnnydora is i mean not terrible

56. Favourite colour?

probably purple

57. Favourite food?

BURRITOS

58. Last thing you ate?

a ham and cheese toasties

59. First thing you ate this morning?

…. the ham and cheese toastie

60. Ever won a competition? For what?

ACTUALLY YES I once one a competition to go to a cinema and see a performance of of Iolanta and The Nutcracker (but the nutcracker was a super weird absurd version)

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?

Neither

62. Been arrested? For what?

Nope

63. Ever been in love?

Tbh probably not

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?

HAHAHA wow I was drunk at a party and the guy who like low key tried to ruin my life a few years beforehand

65. Are you hungry right now?

always

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?

i mean tbh i like them equally as much

67. Facebook or Twitter?

facebook

68. Twitter or Tumblr?

tumblr

69. Are you watching tv right now?

no lol I’m in class

70. Names of your bestfriends?

Macy Temiqua Sandra Megan and like. a lot more

71. Craving something? What?

SURPRISINGLY nothing atm

72. What colour are your towels?

tbh depends on the day mostly purple

72. How many pillows do you sleep with?

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

nope

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?

probably like 7

75. Favourite animal?

meerkats

76. What colour is your underwear?

black

77. Chocolate or Vanilla?

chocolate

78. Favourite ice cream flavour?

cookies and cream

79. What colour shirt are you wearing?

purple

80. What colour pants?

black

81. Favourite tv show?

is this really a question

82. Favourite movie?

Cruel Intentions

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?

The OG

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?

Mean Girls

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?

Ms Norbury

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?

Dory

87. First person you talked to today?

@johnnydora

88. Last person you talked to today?

uni pals

89. Name a person you hate?

donald trump

90. Name a person you love?

baby samberg

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?

see question 90

92. In a fight with someone?

not atm

93. How many sweatpants do you have?

too many tbh

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?

also too many

95. Last movie you watched?

I honestly don’t remember but probably One of the Greats if that counts as a movie??

96. Favourite actress?

duh Melissa Fumero (but also Sarah Michelle Gellar is fantastic)

97. Favourite actor?

these are stupid questions ok the answer is Andy Samberg but i also love Robert Downey Jr

98. Do you tan a lot?

99. Have any pets?

negative

100. How are you feeling?

TIRED AF i was up until 11:30 last night doing an assignment

101. Do you type fast?

yes

102. Do you regret anything from your past?

not really i don’t think

103. Can you spell well?

you bet your ass I can

104. Do you miss anyone from your past?

Yeah I do

105. Ever been to a bonfire party?

Negative

106. Ever broken someone’s heart?

I hope not???

107. Have you ever been on a horse?

No I don’t think so

108. What should you be doing?

taking notes looooool

109. Is something irritating you right now?

not RIGHT now????

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?

yes sigh

111. Do you have trust issues?

yes

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?

I very rarely cry in front of people (I very rarely cry full stop) but I think it was my dance teacher

113. What was your childhood nickname?

my parents usually called me Emma Jade

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?

yessss

115. Do you play the Wii?

we have one but don’t use it haha

116. Are you listening to music right now?

nope

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?

I do not think so hahaha

118. Do you like Chinese food?

yes give it to me

119. Favourite book?

To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee

The A to Z of You and Me - James Hannah

The Unbearable Lightness of Being - Milan Kundera

120. Are you afraid of the dark?

yes

121. Are you mean?

I hope not

122. Is cheating ever okay?

123. Can you keep white shoes clean?

lol no

124. Do you believe in love at first sight?

Not love at first sight, maybe infatuation

125. Do you believe in true love?

yeah i guess so

126. Are you currently bored?

a little

127. What makes you happy?

Brooklyn 99; my friends; anything having to do with theatre, film, or literature

128. Would you change your name?

No i don’t think so

129. What your zodiac sign?

Gemini

130. Do you like subway?

yessssss

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

I don’t really have a best friend of the opposite sex but like depending who it was I would either be v happy or a bit weirded out

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

my best friend from uni

133. Favourite lyrics right now?

I’m gonna be free and I’m gonna be fine (maybe not tonight)

134. Can you count to one million?

god no

135. Dumbest lie you ever told?

I told someone I was out with my parents bc I didn’t want to answer the phone haha

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?

Closed

137. How tall are you?

5′6″

138. Curly or Straight hair?

??? I have ?? wavy hair

139. Brunette or Blonde?

Brunette

140. Summer or Winter?

Both for different reasons

141. Night or Day?

Both but probably night

142. Favourite month?

June or October or December

143. Are you a vegetarian?

Nope

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?

milk

145. Tea or Coffee?

coffee

146. Was today a good day?

so far yes

147. Mars or Snickers?

Mars

148. What’s your favourite quote?

“Everyone who terrifies you is sixty-five percent water. And everyone you love is made of stardust, and I know sometimes you cannot even breathe deeply, and the night sky is no home, and you have cried yourself to sleep enough times that you are down to your last two percent; but nothing is infinite, not even loss. You are made of the sea and the stars, and one day you are going to find yourself again.”

149. Do you believe in ghosts?

Yes

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?

“Speaking personally, David, I want to tell you you have all my sympathy. Really. These things can be hell.”

#HA JO HOW U LIKE ME NOW #I TOLD U I WOULD DO IT #FITE ME #ask #long post

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melien · 7 years

Photo

Eden Lee Tisdale for @socialjusticesimblr‘s Slaughter or Salvage BC

Over-Emotional / Good / Friendly / Natural Cook / Photographer’s Eye

Eden Lee, 23, is a cheerful and friendly person who’s always open to expand their horizons, yet in fact they’re full of insecurities, which they mostly prefer keeping to themself. However, deep inside Eden Lee is hoping to find this special person who they can share everything with, and who will accept and love them. That’s why Eden Lee decided to enter Lorelei Kessler’s bachelorette challenge, genuinely hoping she’s the one. Of course they’re a little bit nervous because of their hearing impairments, struggling with which (along with trying to find their place in society) often results into mental kind of disorders, but they believe Lorelei and other people in the house will be supportive and make them feel like they belong.

TOU: Don’t claim them as your own or reupload, don’t change their genetics and face features. You can change anything else in their look (hairstyle, makeup, clothes, your own defaults etc.). Tag me if you use them :)

CC: hair / blush #9 / pattern

Private download unless they’re eliminated.

Interview under the cut.

Universal Questions: Personal information! Age, gender identity, species, place of usual residence, etc. I'm Eden Lee (yeah, usually people call me by my double name), 23 years old. I identify as non-binary and use they/them pronouns. I'm a human, and came from Bridgeport, where I live in the suburbs with my family: parents and younger sister who’s sixteen. What are the specifics of your disability / disabilities? Is there anything we need to do in order to accommodate you and your needs fully? When I was fourteen, I had a really bad accident followed by serious head injury and lots of surgery, which resulted into hearing complications that I still continue to struggle with. I can slightly hear only some sounds very close to me, so I have to ask others to speak distinctly and preferably into my ear, if they don't know the sign language. The next year after the accident I entered high school, and this wasn't the best time. I always felt rejected because I genuinely tried to make friends, and some people just turned their backs and went away with obvious irritation whenever I politely asked to repeat something they said. I've been dealing with major depressive disorder since then which caused lots of self-hate and mood swings, and even though I feel it has become better lately, the symptoms still can kick in whenever I experience some kind of stress. So, I really hope people in the house will talk to me, notice me and be my friends. That’s all I ask for... not treating me as an empty space. No matter what, I still believe in humanity. I heard this challenge is a safe place for people with disabilities, so I'm optimistic. How would you describe yourself? How would your friends describe you? I'm just a regular person who tends to be too emotional and anxious at times, as well as too kind and indulgent, which isn't my best quality - I would give everything to become stronger and learn to stand my ground, because I’m quite easy to manipulate. I don't have a lot of friends, we communicate in sign language with those few I have. They usually say that I'm the most harmless and least selfish person in the world. That's good, right? But I take other people's problems very seriously, to the extent of them becoming my own burden, and always overthink, which isn't good for my mental health, so I guess I still have to learn to put myself first. I probably shouldn’t list only negative things... Sometimes, when I’m able to think clearly, I notice that I actually like myself in general. I can’t imagine being different, and I’m proud of who I am. Random bit of trivia about yourself, or your hobbies, or your romantic past My hobbies involve cooking and taking photos of the world - it's my huge inspiration and comfort whenever I start feeling down. I have a photography blog where I post my pictures, and my followers make me feel like I matter, they're seriously the sweetest. Hmmm, romantic past? I'll tell you the truth - I haven't really been with anyone. For long years I've had higher priorities than relationships, moreover constant hospital appointments took a lot of my time and powers. I had some crushes, but they were short-lived... Why did you enter this BC?* Are you nervous? What do you hope to attain? ... so I guess, it's time to regain what I missed and start looking for true love? Everyone deserves it. My demons kept telling me that I won't be good enough for someone, especially someone as great as Lorelei. But I perfectly understand it's not true. So yeah... of course I'm nervous, but it's a good kind of. I'll just try to act like I usually do, without thinking of competition and pressure. It's not the main point for me. Lorelei's feelings is what matters the most: if she likes me, I'll be really happy and grateful. If we're not meant to be, it's fine. But deep inside, of course, I hope for the first option. Lorelei Specific Questions: What are your thoughts on Lorelei herself? What made you decide to try to win her hand instead of Lyra’s? Both ladies are beautiful inside and out, they inspire me to be the better person and I admire them for starting this challenge - this is a truly great thing to do. However, I had to choose, and I felt like we have more in common with Lorelei. Just looking at her picture made me feel like she might become this awesome friend I never had, and we'll exchange support in our hardest times. I have a lot to learn from her. By the way, this strange feeling that I'll be safe by her side... that I made a right choice... is it just me? Never mind. What are your greatest fears? Oh, man... My greatest fear is that I'll waste my life. That I'll never accomplish anything great, or make a significant difference in this world. Honestly, I really want to help people with the same disabilities as me, I feel like it’s my mission. But I don't even know where to start... my mental issues haven't gone anywhere and I'm still struggling, so how can I help others when I'm a mess myself? Uh... Alright, I don't really want to tear up right now, because trust me, when I start crying, it lasts long. I’m an ugly crier, ha... Next question. What is your moral compass like? Do you believe in absolute good or absolute evil? I’m aware there can’t be absolute good or absolute evil: life isn’t just black or white. However, no matter what has happened to me before and almost made me lose my faith, I would like to believe every single person has got something good in them. How interested are you in music? It’s one of Lorelei’s on-off special interests, so you may need to be proficient in it to catch up. I love music! Before the accident I was pretty good in playing piano. Even though I'm partially deaf, I can hear music when I'm wearing my earphones and listen at maximum volume, and I'm really grateful to my medical care providers for not letting me stay completely deaf after the accident, because I wouldn't be able to survive without music. I like a lot of different genres, mostly easy-listening acoustic songs that help me relax. I also try to keep up with the trends and check the top chart positions every week. The only thing I strongly dislike is electronic music, as it is too heavy and gives me headache. If you lose, will you be able to cope? I won't lie, I'm quite sensitive and it's hard for me to deal with rejections, but it honestly depends on the circumstances, so I can't say anything exact for now. First of all I have to meet Lorelei and other contestants, and I can't wait to get started!

#sims #ts3 #sims 3 #my sims #socialjusticesimblr #eden lee tisdale #my bc contestants #tbh they're one of my favourites among all my bacheloret babies ;-;#some answers from the interview are relatable either for me or my friends #maybe that's one of the reasons

36 notes · View notes

scenarios-on-ice · 7 years

Text

(Well, I liked it anyway, and if you’re losing your touch it really didn’t show :)

And now for Viktor confessing in Russian as he falls off the roof…you’re welcome. Or sorry, depending on your reaction.)

Ok random thing, but do you perhaps remember the Scarecrow guy who first appeared during the Auction arc? Without spoiling anything let’s just say he’s starting to play a bigger role in the plot so there are lots of theories going around about his identity (and of course almost 90% of the theories are “SCARECROW IS HIDE” because most of the fandom wants Hide back, therefore everyone and anyone mysterious is automatically Hide).

Well, I was trying to multitask by trying to puzzle out Scarecrow’s identity while watching an AoT AMV about Marco and Jean at the same time, and I got confused, so I ended up with:

Marco is Scarecrow

(‘such a legit theory *pats myself on the back*…wait a second’)

I’m guessing you were confused because of how feminine Furuta’s facial features are? Because he does look like a girl XD like, if someone drew a genderbend of Furuta it would probably just look like his canon design + breasts - Adam’s apple

I do feel kind of (KIND OF) sorry for him in some ways though, because the Washuus are extremely messed up.

And as for Shuu…it’s amazing how Ishida suddenly turned him into this super likable guy in Re despite the fact that he used to be one of the most hated people in TG, and still make it feel true to his original character (as in, the stuff he does now doesn’t seem OOC and child!Shuu being a sweet little boy sounds strangely plausible).

9 YEARS?! That’s so cool! I used to be pretty good at piano when I was younger but stopped learning due to stress from my teacher and now it’s been years…so I recently started learning again (it’s only been a couple of weeks) and of course I’m not that good at it anymore. I mean, I’m still good at reading sheet music and it’s not like I suck, but…yeah, I suck XD

Yes, Eliza was truly helpless (I’m sorry for being such a troll but…)

The world has no right to my heart, The world has no place in our bed, They don’t get to know what I said I’m burning the memories, burning the letters that might have redeemed you You forfeit all rights to my heart, You forfeit your place in our bed You’ll sleep in your office instead With only the memories of when you were mine I hope that you burn…

Your name is Luna, You are a poet This blog is proof, so we all know it And you Are awesomeness personified If anyone says otherwise it’s certainly a lie So the blog is unbelievably adorable Everybody knows the level’s unimaginable… (And now is the time I run out of rhymes lol

Seriously why didn’t I do this for Valentine’s Day? The idea came too late ㅠㅠ)

Oh, and I think you said you were sixteen? And if you stil are, I guess we could say you’re…only sixteen but your mind is older?

Really? That’s good to know ^^ I don’t like loosing touch, but I don’t really have the will to continue ^^;; I did not need that… I will now go cry because that’s a heartbreaking thought… And just imagine his master’s (Eros!Yuuri’s) reaction ;-;

Okay, but let’s be honest: A new character who’s identity isn’t 100% sure: *appears for a single panel* Fandom: OMG THAT MUST BE HIDE

*gasp* but you’re right, it must be Marco! It finally makes sense…

Yup, that’s pretty much the only reason… I mean, tumblr has made me really weary of assuming people’s gender, so I really wanted to see the official gender before saying anything. I have a weird need to photoshop boobs on to him and say it’s a genderbend.

Honestly, I feel nothing but resentment towards him. Dick.

Okay, but I actually liked Shuu a lot in the original TG and I feel like I’m the minority (probably am hahah). I mean, he was trash and acted like a pedo, but he is pretty likeable. And now he’s even more likeable. Nice.

Yup, it’s been pretty long since I’ve started playing ^^;; I almost quit in my 3rd year, since I got a new professor and he was horrible. He always pushed me to go to ridiculous lengths to improve my playing. But now I’m glad I didn’t quit ^^

So I definitely know how you feel. But I’m sure you can get awesome! You’ll even be able to play the songs from Hamilton soon ^^ Well, the ones that are playable and not entirely rap hahah

Listen here you little-

My name is Luna I am a writer Definitely not a poet Because have you seen me make a good rhyme even once? But hey I try You’re much better than me at this

Hahahah, if anything, I’m younger since I’m incredibly childish. By the way, have you ever watched ‘Puella Magi Madoka Magica’? You’d definitely like it. I won’t say anything bc spoilers, but if you ever do decide to watch it, here’s my advice: Do not give up on it, no matter how ridiculous it seems. It’ll be worth it after ep 3.

Also, check this out: Spamilton

#evans #tokyo ghoul anon #luna talks #submission

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stinkrascal · 3 years

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Little controversial, but a lot of fun. What are your sim s' toxic traits? Asking all of my favourite story tellers. Let's get deep

omg YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS please i love talking about controversial things lets goooooooooo <3

vlad - he’s a very controlling and overbearing person, honestly. he’s the type of person who trusts his knowledge above everyone else’s and feels he’s the most capable in any given situation, therefore he feels it’s only right that he’s in charge, no matter the circumstance. he’s wise, yes, but after centuries of believing this of himself, his wisdom has warped to unabashed pride, and he finds it difficult to trust another’s capabilities over his own because of it. i like to think this ties into why he’s fairly codependent in his relationships; he needs to feel as though he’s the one providing for, guiding, and therefore “controlling” his relationships, he needs to feel needed, so he seeks out people who feed into that desire, people he feels are “misguided” who need a wise, proper hand to bring them to normalcy. you know, someone like him, the spitting image of normalcy, seeking out impressionable people in an attempt to satiate his intense desire to be needed. like sir have u ever heard of therapy? LMAOOO

breanna - she’s laidback to a fault and oftentimes irresponsible, someone who rarely considers the outcomes of her decisions and someone who ignores the telltale signs given to her. this manifests in a lot of careless, reckless behavior and poor decision making skills. like, for instance, if vlad reminds breanna that the water bill must be paid by x day? you best bet the water will be shut off because queen, irresponsible as she is, forgot to send the check. if she promises to bring you to your doctor’s appointment, you best bet that the morning of you’re gonna call her only to discover she didn’t realize your doctor’s appointment was Today and she is currently stoned asf and cannot operate her vehicle, to which you will reply Breanna It’s 8 AM Why Are You Smoking At 8 AM to which she will apologize and cry and hang up and fall asleep. much like vlad, i like to think this ties into her own codependency issues, as she feels she’s, in essence, unable to properly, or rather, responsibly care for herself, and must rely on someone else to do this for her. she enables his controlling nature by relying on him for most things, and in return he enables her immaturity by providing for her unconditionally. isn’t that, like, super fucked up lmaooooo? like, it’s the sims universe u know, so take all of this with a grain of salt, bc like in the context of my silly sims 4 legacy all of these codependency issues honestly amount to, like, breanna being a happy and uncritical stoner tradwife and vlad being the one who pays the bills and drives. it’s not actually that serious u know. but when you think about it critically and apply it to like real-world scenarios n consequences n whatever... it’s gross as fuck <3 you guys need therapy <3

lucien - like vlad, he’s fairly prideful, as he feels he’s the most knowledgeable and capable of any given situation, but more so than that, he feels the need to show off his intelligence by testing others’ knowledge. he also feels the need to lecture those he feels aren’t as knowledgeable as he is; often he doesn’t realize he’s doing it. he’ll basically mansplain to you for hours, if you don’t keep him in check. also, his ego usually gets the best of him, and he can’t help but find himself better than those he views as unintelligent. it can come off a little classist at times, and this is something which has been brought to his attention in the past, something he wishes to alleviate in his further interactions. it’s a work in progress. ;-;

gen - their main issue is that they’ve a difficult time understanding and empathizing with other people, primarily women. i like to think this comes from their overall discomfort within themselves, whether that discomfort revolves around their personality, their gender identity, or their apathy towards life. women in particular are difficult for gen to empathize with, as it is that gen makes an effort to distance themselves from women, most likely a consequence of their discomfort with their assigned gender. lashing out at the “thing” they wish to distance themselves from is a simple, quick way to tell your peers, I Am Not This Thing! you don’t wish to be perceived as a women? vehemently hate all of that which is considered womanly, and maybe you’ll stand a chance against your audience. that’s... gen’s way of looking at it, at least. it’s not healthy, and gen realizes this by now, but so far it’s not caused too much of a hindrance on their life, save for all the girlfriends they can’t get because of their shitty misogynistic streak, so they’re not too bothered. i can promise you as they grow more comfortable with themselves, they will eventually drop their mean streak. i know gen’s been a misogynist for, like, two years now lmaooo ;-;

carlile - much like his mother, he’s extremely irresponsible. he forgets important dates, he often misplaces his belongings and the belongings of others, he can hardly be trusted to cook without forgetting the stove’s on then burning the house to the ground. he’s also rather bratty, especially when he’s hungry. idk i’m blanking on carlile honestly his toxic trait is being perfect <3

nikolai - he has a hard time establishing boundaries with others, so he often finds himself in situations he finds uncomfortable, merely because he can’t say no to anything. you can usually tell when he’s uncomfortable, as he wears the expression well on his face, but even then, he’ll bite his tongue and carry onwards. worst of all, though, he’ll be upset with you if you’re the one who suggested the plans, even if he’s the one who agreed to the situation despite not wanting to attend in the first place.

klaus - he doesn’t expect anything from anybody, and he feels that all people should feel this way about each other, as no expectations means no one can get hurt. this also means, however, that klaus’ effort put into everything he does is fairly low, and he doesn’t often impress people with his lazy, myopic attitude. he’s self-dependent to a fault, wanting to do most things by himself without considering the help of others, as he feels he’s the only one who should provide for himself. basically, he doesn’t accept “charity” from other people, and he thinks most people shouldn’t accept “charity” from others, either. very much a “pull yourself up by the bootstraps” kind of guy, which i consider toxic as fuck, so, like. :)

anastasia - she’s a lot like vlad; she feels her judgment is the best in most situations, and she feels she deserves to be in charge at all opportunities because of this. her confidence teeters on pride, and she often confuses the two and unknowingly comes across as arrogant and abrasive because of this. she trusts the abilities of others, it’s just that she believes she works the hardest and wants it the most, and this innate desire puts her above others. she’s also prone to fits of jealousy, especially over her friends, an attribute also lovingly instilled into her by her father :p if you so much as look at her best friends the wrong way, she will come for your throat as though she were some rabid dog, about to feast on her next meal. she’s loyal, yes, but loyalty doesn’t come without its faults; she’s quick to excuse her friends, even for truly heinous actions they provably committed, so long as she feels the intention is forgivable. her love and affection for other people blinds her, and often she’ll act in their best interest, even if that means being rude or aggressive towards others who go against them.

ilya - his toxic trait is that he’s never featured on this blog and idk what to do with him <3 his other toxic trait is that when hes a teen hes gonna commit arson. thats sooooo toxic

ok im gonna go through everyone else really quickly bc my fingers hurt HAHAHA ok lets speedrun this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

bonnie - her toxic trait is that she thinks 50 shades of gray is legitimately a good book series. LMAOOOOOOOOOOOO

cooper - his toxic trait is that he smells so bad and he doesnt know why he uses soap and deodorant and bathes frequently hes just sweaty asf and you know what Me too king sweaty kings rise up

shivi - her toxic trait is that shes a barista at a coffee shop and she doesnt even like coffee. her other toxic trait is that she lowkey hates vampires :( and thats just rude asf

maeve - her toxic trait is that shes an apologist. she sees someone doing something terrible and shes like OKAY THEY DID THIS BAD THING BUT THEY’RE JUST TROUBLED IT’S NOT THEIR FAULT MAYBE I CAN FIX THEM!!!! like no bitch you cant

tarek - his toxic trait is NOTHING tarek is literally so perfect like he just wants to take care of his sick boyfriend and learn how to be a top tier witch like thats it? He doesnt deserve any slander bye

abigail - her toxic trait is that she’s SOOOOOO clingy to the point where like u guys can be in the same room but if you’re not looking at her rn while you two are in the same room together she’s like DO YOU HATE ME? like abbie please we dont hate u ur just being crazy rn. shes also extremely jealous and self-destructive so like if she feels like u are cheating on her she will FREAK OUT and ruin your relationship bc she doesn’t know how to effectively communicate her emotions and feels the need to lash out inexplicably at everything that triggers her </3 poor girl

karmen - her toxic trait is that she hides behind her humor and nonchalant persona to mask her emotions. she says it’s a coping mechanism, but the truth is, she refuses to meaningfully engage with these feelings, as they’re too uncomfortable for her, so she downplays her struggles with humor. she’s very much someone who acts as though she’s got it under control, even if the truth is, she’s struggling to stay afloat. her other toxic trait is that she will endanger her own internet safety it if means she can get a cute e-milf to send her money <3

caspian - he’s reserved to a fault, as though he’s physically unable to admit what’s troubling him. yet, when he speaks, you can always tell when there’s an issue. it’s always one of those things with him, where the emotion is too repressed to be articulated, yet too present to ignore. he’s so resistant to aid, he’d rather subject himself to terrible situations if it means denying help from another. often, he does this under the guise that he doesn’t wish to be a burden to others, therefore he must take care of himself without help, but he fails to realize that by not helping himself, he’s hurting his relationships around him, which burdens everyone. he’s deeply insecure, and he often weaponizes his insecurities, typically without meaning to. this manifests in a lot of self-deprecation, deflective language during arguments, ie “I’m the worst person ever, I wouldn’t blame you if you hated me after this,” which often comes off very manipulative. again, he doesn’t mean to sound manipulative, it’s just something that happens naturally, something he's gotta work towards alleviating.

vaughn - like caspian, he’s many emotions which are too strong to ignore, though too repressed to be expressed. this manifests primarily through vaughn’s financial immaturity and his promiscuity. he enjoys the physical pleasures of life, and he often abuses these luxuries as a way to distract himself from the very real pain he feels, pain he refuses to admit he harbors. so instead he sings his silly songs and spends his money recklessly and fucks everyone within a thirty mile radius to distract himself from the void in his chest :\

wolfgang - he’s basically an incel LMAOOOOOOO or like what do they call an incel who larps as a normal person to pick up woman? a pick up artist i think? hes that LMAO hes quite literally in the incel community is what im trying to say. i havent talked about it yet but its literally a plot point. if you look in my brainstorm sheet rn it says “Wolfgang munch reads incelme forums every day. Wolfgang munch thinks j*rdan peters*n is the leading figurehead in the hall of intelligentsia.” so like yeah

#Anonymous #jade answers #this was so fun to answer LMAOOO #ive thought about the vlad/brie codependency lore for EVER now so im happy i finally have a context where i can talk about it lmaooooo #ugh i love making weird toxic hcs for my ocs <3 i love it when my ocs do bad things <3 #straud asks

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jess-oh · 5 years

Text

Reflection

HEY JOURNAL!

IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG!

I HAVE SO MUCH TO WRITE ABOUT!

MY PRIORITIES AND THOUGHTS ARE ALL OUT OF WHACK AND I DONT EVEN KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN!

I’ve been trying to process externally through other people instead of internally through my journal and lowkey it has been affecting my relationships with other people and I don’t want it to.

Recently, I was hanging out with Mitchell and we witnessed a drive by shooting and overall, I’m pretty okay now. I was pretty freaked out at first but I think I’m okay now. Honestly, I was in denial a bit because I couldn’t tell if I was just putting on more of an act so people don’t think I’m a sociopath but whenever I talked about it and actually felt pain or a tightness in my chest or cried about it, I would be surprised and realized I was more affected than I initially thought about it. I was honestly afraid to go outside and I did get triggered whenever I heard loud, sudden sounds. But overall, I am better now. I think sharing it with people and asking for prayer did definitely help and going to God first. I listened to “Resurrecting” and “Even When It Hurts” a lot and really resonated with the words. Honestly, even on Sunday during service, I tried really hard to be real and honest with God but I couldn’t stop crying. I did feel super nervous being outside at all on Saturday and clutched my tote bag closely over my chest just in case one of the speeding cars suddenly started shooting. I was afraid and I admittedly still am to some extent but I am a lot better now. I am a little bit more edge than usual being outside but I’m getting back to normal. I am. I’m close. And I’m glad. Thank you, God! Thank you for wonderful people around me.

But I think it was good that this happened to me. It made me face the reality of how I felt. I feel as if I’ve been living with a layer over everything recently and haven’t been totally honest with anyone. Which is, admittedly a little tough. I want to have a best friend to whom I can just tell them everything. But I am surrounded by guys and I don’t want things to get awkward in sharing too much? I know I need to set boundaries!

I’m just sad because for the girls, I really don’t have a lot in common with them so I can’t necessarily go super deep? I do get along well with Amanda but she’s a horrible texter and already has so much on her plate and I feel bad. I don’t want her to feel like she just has to take care of me all the time either? Because I know she has her own trust issues and I want to be accommodating to that! But it does kind of suck. I know other people feel alone too and I want to reach out to them and let them know I’m here for the but knowing the line between guys and girls is kind of hard. I want to reach out more Jason and P. Josh but they are guys. And that isn’t something I normally actively think about and I don’t see either of them in a romantic sense at all. I JUST WISH THERE WERE MORE SISTERS :’((( The community is lacking on our end! And I know I, along with Amanda and the other sisters can do a better job with community on our end bUT, it’s just unfortunate. And Movement isn’t super big either so it makes sense but it does kind of suck. I lowkey always questioned P. Josh whenever he wanted to intentionally do something or have something with a specific gender but I get it now :’(

I really dislike gossip and I know that I do it sometimes but I actively try to go against it. It’s annoying, just leads to drama, and is extremely passive aggressive which also bothers me. And I’ve been the victim of it in the past and it freaking sucked and I hated it and it was such a terrible feeling. And I don’t want to feel like that again and I don’t think anyone should have to ever feel like that. Ever. Really.

But now I know about this thing that happened between Joyce Park and Jason and I don’t know what to do now? But typing this at all has actually been helping me process a lot. I know that I can have a big mouth at times and feel like I can’t keep secrets and I definitely want to get better at that but this...I don’t feel the need to share it with more people because I understand it isn’t my place. I’m not the most trustworthy person and I think my first love language has become acts of service. If my friends ever need anything, I would gladly drop everything I’m doing and go to help them as soon as I possibly can. And I don’t expect others to do the same for me because I understand that it’s a big time and energy commitment. I don’t want someone else to do what I am willing to do for others necessarily. I just want to have some that I can fully rely and depend on. Which used to be Jeanne but she never really shared back to me and I wanted to be there for her too. I didn’t just want to use her as a resource and toss her aside once I was done. I know what that feels like and it really really sucks. It does! And no one deserves to suffer through that kind of pain.

I’m also kind of confused because Jason has been saying a lot recently that he shoudn’t talk or hangout with girls as often which has left me confused? Am I just a bro or does that include me? Orrrrrrrrr I don’t know. I think I’m a good friend for him and he’s definitely a good friend for me too but I need something or someone more than that. Not necessarily a significant other but someone to whom I can always rely on, yknow? Preferably of the same gender to avoid all of this potential unnecessary drama. Because I did lowkey crush on Andrew for a time and highkey with Anthony. I think I see Jason as an older mentor figure if anything. I realized this yesterday. I definitely see him as an Anthony in my life. But for Anthony, it was very much him helping me more than me ever helping him and looking back on it, I was really glad that he was there to support me but I wish I was a better friend to him :/ Maybe because I already liked Jason before I have nothing to worry about? LOL. But yeah. This drama...is so easily avoidable. I don’t want any part of it. At all. I’m happy that I’ve been able to be there for him but... I don’t know. He is there for me but I am still cautious with what I tell him. I don’t want to just be a bro but I want to be a good friend too.

I’m also kind of salty towards P. Josh and Jason right now. I know I was really tired last night and lowkey dreaded going home. And I don’t always take great care of myself and them two plus Johnathan know that all too well. When I’m sick or overworking myself, they can definitely see. I have such a need to define myself by my productivity and what I can accomplish and it’s hard to remember to take care of myself and I get that! ...nor do I always think I deserve to rest but that’s a topic for another day.

BUT, I am S A L T Y towards P. Josh and Jason bc they keep discussing whos gonna take me back home amongst themselves without talking to me first and asking if I even want it to begin with. Which I usually say no and they refuse that as answer. Which sometimes is nice but other times just feels degrading like my opinion or voice doesn’t matter. And I’m reminded of when I first didn’t want to feel like a burden when I saw my mom, dad, and Olessia discussing who was supposed to pick me up from school and I just watched them argue. And I felt terrible in that moment and I felt like a heckin big burden. I don’t expect them be my chauffeur. I never do. I learned that from my parents to never assume. I learned from P. Joe to never make excuses and instead to make things work if I can. He had a low tolerance for excuses and I respect that about him but it has left me a bit scarred to some extent. But yeah. I don’t know. I want to bring this up to them but I think I need to get better at taking care of myself and understanding my limitations first. Oh man, am I glad to be journaling again. It feels so good to just freely express everything again, ahhhhh.

Anyway, okay! I’m going to make an honest attempt to figure everything out. I think being self deprecating and not taking care of myself has become a “fun” yet “toxic” and “normalized” part of my identity which is not very good... haha. I need to figure this out so that I can help other people who are in the same boat as me! And they are definitely out there. I know them. And I want to help them. I want to figure this out through God’s grace and lead others in the same direction. I pray that he can use me in such a way where He can bring others to Him through me. This is my hope and prayer to you, God! People desperately need you. They really do. And I want to help because it pains me to see them in pain as well.

I know I’m pretty bitter towards my parents and it’s easy to toss them under the bus but I really am grateful for them. My dad is supportive and my mom does worry for me. Yes, they can say hurtful things at times but I think they do care for me at the end of the day. My upbringing was rough, theres no denying that. We really didn’t get along until after I left. But I am thankful for them. I am.

Jason and Joyce are off to have their conversation! Good luck little flapjacks! I hope all goes well. I care for the both you very deeply.

I am lonely, I think. I think Rhyarna, Eliza, and I made Emily feel bad for being so wholesome and now she feels the need to be “bad” to be on the same level as us and I feel as if we corrupted her and I feel bad now. And we used to be close but she would never really respond to me. Or at least not in the way that I wanted. And I don’t really trust Eliza and Rhyarna to be unbiased. I don’t just want support. I want someone to listen to me but to also tell me the truth. That’s what I need right and that’s what I lack right now. I used to have it with Jakob and Mana but they left. And even pretty limited with them. I used to have that with Marlena but she got busy and went to study abroad. I had that with Andrew but he started dating Sofia and they’re both so far away. And I don’t want blind support. And honestly, Andrew just gets mad at me sometimes when I don’t see my own potential but because he gets angry, I don’t want to talk to him at all. I don’t want to be another disappointment. I had that with Sharlene but she transferred schools to California. I had that with TyKira and Jordan but they both got busy and graduated. And I know none of them meant to leave because of any reason against me but I felt the most real and honest and happiest with them and now they’re gone and I’m alone again. I’m left to search for a new support system somewhere, somehow. But I just feel lost and confused and alone. It is lonely. I was close with the seniors at school but they’re all graduating soon and I’m sad and I’ll be left to search for support from somewhere else again. It’s been a very transitional, lonely time. I miss them. I need them. But I don’t want to just use them either. I did really care for all of them and wanted to be there for them just as much as they were so gracious in being there for me. I think I just need to pray more and be more honest with God instead of rely on such temporary humans. Maybe that’s why He keeps taking my friends away. Because I’m too independent when it comes to Him but too dependent when it comes to man. Or I’m just suffering from lack of community. Or both! Who knows!

Jason and Joyce just came back and they seem relatively calm so I think their conversation went well? I didn’t think they would talk so long. I’m actually pretty tired now. It’s 10:43pm now. Wow.

#reflection

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