#and I’m saying this as someone who is actively experiencing autistic burnout. you do not get to be fatigued.

[soullessjack]

boycott fatigue is actually the stupidest fucking thing ever because how in the ever loving fuck are you experiencing “fatigue” from not going to Starbucks. how is not watching rushed cgi on disney+ and not eating a breaded slime nugget at McDonald’s “fatiguing” you. genuinely how fucking dare this even exist as a concept. entire bloodlines, children, newborns are dying slow and bloody and all of these companies are giving Israel the money to do that. they’re using YOUR fucking money to do this. and look, practically every war has been funded out of our pockets by a means we can’t fight around. almost all of the food and drink we have in the states is owned by some large corporation that makes it fucking impossible to not give them money because they are the sole providers. I understand there are some things we can’t boycott because of our own needs. but this isn’t basic needs that we are being asked to boycott. it’s fucking Disney+ and McDonald’s and Starbucks and a whole slew of luxuries that you’re not only capable of living without, but would actually be better off entirely without.

there’s been a lot of talk about how privileged we are to only be witnessing this human rights atrocity through phones or news and being able to get away from it with a button click and that’s entirely real, but the fact that somebody out here just felt soooo inconvenienced by not going to a drive thru for overpriced garbage that they literally coined the phrase “boycott fatigue,” is probably the biggest load of privileged dog shit I’ve seen in the past few days. do you want to know who’s actually experiencing fatigue right now? the millions of displaced families in Gaza without homes anymore. without any clean water to drink because it’s either been poisoned by the Israelis or contaminated with their peoples’ blood. the children without enough food to get by, or without any food at all. the injured and sick and disabled Palestinians who don’t have access to any medical aid for themselves because their hospitals and fuel trucks are being bombed. these people who have absolutely nothing but each other, and not even that in the worst circumstances, who can only keep walking for days on end, hungry and thirsty and in pain and unable to do anything about it. that is real fucking fatigue.

I understand we’re all seeing war crimes and death and atrocities that nobody should ever have to see and yes it’s difficult to process, but the people of Palestine are experiencing these atrocities in real time, every day, every hour. every ten fucking minutes a child dies. They aren’t even asking for help anymore. They’re only asking to be witnessed and remembered and for us to stop going to places that actively fund their deaths and you’re saying you just can’t because you’re exhausted by not going to that place? I know we’re all born and raised in a consumerist hellscape but you seriously need to get a fucking reality check if offering the bare minimum support to a dying people is ‘fatiguing’ to you. Jesus fucking Christ.

#cal.txt #Gaza #Palestine #free Palestine #free Gaza #bds boycott #boycott fatigue #sorry this is out of nowhere I’m just so fucking fed up with everything right now #look at what is being done to them and realize that you’re lining Israeli pockets to make that happen every time you get ur fucking starbies #look at the bloodied children and infants without legs and bodies in plastic bags #then look at yourself and ask yourself if your fucking pink drink is worth what’s being done to them #you do not get to be fatigued. #and I’m saying this as someone who is actively experiencing autistic burnout. you do not get to be fatigued. #I am so sick and fucking tired of this country and the cattle that call themselves people while offering zero humanity to others.

[drdemonprince]

hi !! i’m a recent college graduate (who graduated at 4.0 and highest honors with a whole undergraduate honors thesis, too). very much the whole, undiagnosed/masked High Achieving Perfectionist, and now that my degree is over i have been experiencing what i think is Autistic Burnout for about 6 months, since I finished my thesis. I didn’t have the word - “autistic burnout” - until reading your book, Unmasking Autism, but I’m having trouble even pleasure reading/reading about my special interests. I’m having trouble talking to friends, and doing normal tasks like holding a job or doing hygiene. I didn’t know burn out could effect me this deeply, and I have no idea how to get my life back on track. Do you have any resources specific for autistic burnout, should I give your other book a read/maybe a listen? I don’t know how similar autistic burnout is to regular burnout and I haven’t found many resources on the first. (‘: thank you so much for taking the time to read this

You know, I don't really know if Autistic burnout and burnout are in any way qualitatively distinct. I say this as someone who in addition to writing a book on Autism, also wrote a book on burnout, which you might get a lot out of. I've dug into the literature on both subjects pretty heavily, and when I try to find anything that separates the two, I keep coming up short.

Loss of motivation? Check

Loss of identity? Check

Depressive and anxious symptoms? Check

Reduction in skills and abilities? Check

Existential dread, ennui, and sense of a foreshortened or meaningless future? check

Reduced capacity to relate to others? Check

Increased risk of problematic substance use, risk taking, and other harmful behaviors? Check.

Far as I can tell, Autistic burnout is just burnout, except in Autistic people, and often provoked by not just overwork, but by the pressures of masking as well. And anecdotally people going through Autistic burnout seem to indicate it lasts longer and takes longer to recover from, with less likelihood of a full restoration to their old skill level. We don't have data on this. But that's what people say.

And the solution to both forms of burnout, it seems to be, are the same: a dramatic reduction in expectations and duties, copious amounts of rest, social support, and, as energy slowly begins to build, the pursuit of activities the burned-out person finds to be fun, joyful, connecting, and intrinsically motivating. Which may often be completely different activities from the ones they were doing when they got burned out, or even that they were ever interested in before.

I have been burned out for years-long periods of time (in fact I just was, and have come out the other side with dramatically different life committments and pursuits, hi hi hello) and i know it's absolutely ravaging and takes far longer than you want it to resolve, and just all around sucks. but that's my overall impression of what healing from it takes, and how long it takes. of course, i think there are many supposedly neurotypical people who also endure fundamentally the same thing with nearly or equally as extensive a recovery process. Best of luck in finding a way to get the rest, connection, and recouperative free time necessary in your own life.

[lionheartslowstart]

Autistic Burnout

In the process of pursuing my diagnosis, I was doing a ton of research on autism. Since receiving a formal diagnosis, I’ve been doing even more research. I want to understand myself and the struggles I deal with as much as possible. My mother, too, has been doing research so she can understand and support me better.

A few weeks ago, I came across a tiktok of someone explaining something called “autistic burnout.” I sent the video to my mom, along with the concern that this may be something permanent, as described by the tiktoker (who is an autistic neuroscientist). A few days later, my mother sent me an article on the subject which went more in depth, and even explained that autistic burnout isn’t always permanent, and listed some ways to help one recover, adding, “Don’t worry, we’ll figure this out.” (I love my Mommy.)

So what is autistic burnout?

Autistic burnout is something predominantly experienced by high-masking autistic people who mask unconsciously for most of their lives. After such a long time suppressing their autistic traits, there’s a sort of massive systems failure, and they essentially shut down. Every day activities become extremely difficult. Executive dysfunction peaks. Being a “regular,” functioning person feels impossible and out of reach. Life just comes to a sudden halt, and everything, everything, feels like a Sisyphean endeavor.

Apparently, some people are never able to move through this, and end up being dysfunctional for the rest of their lives. My greatest fear. But in the article my mom sent me, the author expressed that no, autistic burnout was not necessarily permanent, and there are, in fact, ways to “reverse” it, so to speak.

The first step is to stop masking, and unmask completely. This, for obvious reasons, is quite challenging. Yes, there are societal expectations (not that I’m doing much interacting with society recently), but the biggest struggle for me is, since I’ve been masking for so long, I’m still figuring out HOW to unmask. I’m still discovering the ways in which I’ve been masking. And maybe even more difficult, I’m working to fight through the instincts I’ve developed to mask at all costs. Unmasking is fucking scary. Especially when you suffer from severe rejection sensitivity.

The next step is to be gentle with yourself. Something else I struggle with. Someone experiencing autistic burnout should NOT force themselves to do things that deplete them, or force them to mask. They also shouldn’t be scolding themselves for not being able to do those things. The key is to accept where you are, and honor your needs as they come. And I gotta say, growing up  passing as “normal,” and therefore being accused of laziness when I went through these periods, makes this a challenging endeavor.

The concept of autistic burnout completely explains why every few months, no matter how great my life seems to be going, or how highly I’m functioning, it feels like everything suddenly shuts down and I’m no longer able to “do the thing.” So, in some respects, it’s a relief to be able to put a name to the feelings, and to be able to validate myself. But what does this mean in the long run? Is autistic burnout part of my life forever now? Is it something I’m going to experience every few months for the rest of my life?

If I follow the guiding advice from the article my mom sent me, hopefully not. But the fact is, in the society we leave in, as well as in my line of work, it’s not physically possible for me to be completely unmasked all the time. It’s just not. So it does, unfortunately, seem likely that I will experience autistic burnout from time to time. But hopefully, with the skills I’m learning, both on my own and in therapy, I’ll be able to move through these periods swiftly and get back on my feet every time. I don’t want to be dysfunctional. I want to have a normal, happy, fulfilling life. The irony of course is that, the more I pressure myself to function, the less likely it is that I’ll be able to function.

I’m starting with something called “energy accounting,” a technique recommended by the article my mother sent me. Energy accounting consists of making a list of all the things that energize me, as well as a list of all the things that deplete my energy. That way, I can focus on engaging in activities that give me energy and make me feel good, as well as avoid (if possible) the activities that force me to mask, or otherwise exhaust me. And if I can’t avoid certain tiring things, I can at least prepare for them better, or perhaps find little cheats to help myself through them, or even ask for help and support from others. So far, I have a decent list going, and I find myself adding to it around every other day. The more things I can think of, the better. With this list, I can start replenishing my reserves so that I can eventually rejoin society.

I won’t lie, I’m scared. Like I said, I don’t want to be dysfunctional. All I’ve ever wanted was to be normal. Being certain that’s not a viable option for me doesn’t make it easier to accept. I still wish with all my heart that things could be different. But at least now I have tools that will help me work with my autism and move through the tough times. I just have to figure out how to use them.

#autism #autistic #autistic adult #personal #mental health #mental health awareness #autism awareness

[activelyautistic]

Have you ever heard/read anything about the biomechanical pathways of autistic burnout? I'm trying to figure out what might be causing my fatigue, and all the lists of burnout symptoms match up pretty well with my symptoms. It'd be interesting if it had a cellular/immuno cause like ME/CFS, or a nervous system cause, etc.

(╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻

Aight Admin S is finally back from the depths of spoonless hell to try to answer this. I really do apologize for how long this took.

Truth be told, I have yet to see any extensive research done on the correlation between these two things, however, I genuinely would not be surprised if there was a strong correlation between the two.

Having said that, I am not certain that it would be exactly the same, CFS, by definition, is a much more long lasting condition than what burnout could ever inflict upon a person. I do think that they would both show up in similar patterns if we were to take brain scans and compare them side by side, though. Because yes, you can literally see fatigue affecting the brain.

My theory is that if we were to take brain scans of two people (in an ideal environment mind you) that were exactly the same except for where one has CFS, and the other experienced burnout, we would see most parts of the brain responsible for processing external stimuli, short term memory, sensory processing, and fatigue would probably look mostly the same. The difference I would assume we would see, mind you, is that in the short term, or at the peak of stress, the person who experiences burnout may show a sharper increase in activity, or it would look as if things may be more severe initially. 

At this point I would also mention that we would have to take into consideration how people process neurotransmitters and hormones as well. People with both conditions process these differently in comparison to abled people, so regardless of which person you look at, they would be processing serotonin, cortisol, dopamine, and various other essential things differently which also can contribute to the difference in brain activity.

And finally, we “take a look” at the brain scans of the person with CFS. I’m sure you’ve done some research of your own if you’ve decided to ask this question in the first place, so I’m hoping you have a basic grasp on the description of the condition. For the sake of anyone else reading my babbling, I’ll explain it shortly.

Chronic Fatigue Syndrome is, in short, long term unexplained fatigue that is not remedied with sleep, rest or breaks of any sort. The typical requirement for it to be considered “chronic” is 3 months or more. Other symptoms that can accompany this are as follows: muscle pain and/or fatigue, weakness, headaches, and brain fog.

So this is where things get interesting. So remember how I said initially things might show up as more severe or as more extreme in the brain scans from someone showing the signs of burnout? The reason behind this is because someone with CFS would have a constant. A constant level of activity (or lack thereof in some cases) in different areas of the brain because of how the condition makes the entire body work and function differently. A person with CFS will always have a base level of activity (again or not) in the brain, and in this example, maybe the part of the brain responsible for fatigue is already fried, so it’s just kind of...there. So it’s unable to show more activity because literally the whole body is just that tired.

Okay, I rambled. A lot. I’m going to put a TLDR: I think there would be a very strong correlation in the neuropathways for showing signs of burnout and CFS alike, however I believe they would manifest and last very differently due to the nature of how they work.

I’m also going to say that I’m not a professional, and I don’t know anything for sure. This is just my theory based on observation.

#dragonatthedinnertable #ask #Admin S #spoonie #asd #activelyautistic #Aspie #disabled #chronic fatigue #burnout #just my thoughts on the matter

[musashi]

whatever im just directly responding to this one because apparently if i don’t you’ll just take every other post i make out of context

Okay, for anyone concerned, here’s the end to the tumblr user musashi saga. To reiterate, the original sin is that I blocked her without comment. 

the original sin is that you did something i’ve repeatedly stated is heavily traumatic. reducing it to you blocked me is an intentional downplaying of my feelings and baggage. i have a disclaimer in my BYF to not befriend me if you are incapable of ending a friendship civilly and instead ghost/abandon people. you read the BYF. You read the disclaimer. you did it anyways. you blocked me without a word. i thought we were friends, and you sliced me out of your life without so much as an explanation.

Because I saw her post this shit beating others down all the time. And I got tired. And then she did it to me.

i literally don’t know what you’re referring to. there’s no link here. i don’t beat anyone down. sometimes people mistreat me and i get rightfully mad at them for mistreating me. beyond that, i literally just blog about pokemon. in another post you said you unfollowed me over hazbin hotel or some shit, which is an animated show i’ve never seen and have no opinions on.

[screencap of a personal post where i’m clearly panicking]

cool! nice one. real empathy and compassion showing here.

I didn’t say any of this, aside from that we weren’t friends.  (edited to point this out.) We literally had only talked on a cursory level a handful of times. 

you’re literally missing the point. you said that we weren’t friends, and used that as your defense for literally blocking me. it doesn’t MATTER if you personally thought we weren’t friends. I thought we were friends. I thought you liked me. my feelings were hurt, i was crushed. just because you think its NBD “she probably doesn’t even remember me” doesn’t mean you are absolved. You may have thought that, and I believe you thought that, but you were mistaken. This made me even more upset--not only did my friend block me, but my friend didn’t even consider us friends.

even if i didn’t consider us friends, what you did to me was wrong. but the fact that i did and you don’t just means it hurts more. that’s literally it. i recognize that i didn’t mean to you what you meant to me, but that literally does not mean anything you did was okay. i don’t know how to spell this out further!!!!!

She also says that I am falsely claiming that I did not block her – a claim I never made– and also that I never apologized for unfollowing her, when in fact I did, repeatedly, trying to get this to stop.

YOU DID NOT APOLOGIZE. I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU ARE TRYING TO GAIN FROM LYING ABOUT THIS. you keep saying this! what do i have to do to prove you didn’t apologize? does ANYONE reading this have ANY ideas??? Elliot literally won’t state, anywhere that i can FIND, WHERE he supposedly apologized. alledgedly, he’s sent me apologies MULTIPLE TIMES EVEN??? i dont know where i’m supposed to be looking. my tumblr DMs? my tumblr asks i think? i pretty obsessively read my ask box, i don’t have access to DMs but i never received any, of that I am sure. this is important to me and i would remember! you have not contacted me! the closest you have come to contacting me, besides publicly talking about me on your blog, is frantically sending my friend marcus a bunch of messages about me and then BLOCKING HIM AS WELL. ALL of this i learned because marcus came to me incredibly confused (as was i) asking why my name was coming up all of a sudden. that is ALL i have heard from you. there have been no apologies, no one on one chats. it is WAY easier for you to prove to your followers that you sent an apology than for me to prove that i didn’t receive one, so can you please? can you give me ANY ideas on how to prove that i’m telling the fucking truth? literally WHAT do i have to gain from lying about this????? do you think i get some kind of sick enjoyment out of this shit??? do you think having someone i thought was my friend on the opposite side of things makes me happy??????? do you think i enjoy this?? i don’t understand what you think i have to gain from lying! i didn’t receive an apology, a clarification, a single word from you! this is all the talking you have done with me. public talking, and talking through marcus. you have not contacted me. the last time i heard anything from you was probably an ask or dm you sent me months ago. i wish you would either believe me or just admit you didn’t apologize and send me even one message and have EVEN ONE CONVERSATION with me! i don’t understand how THIS is easier for you! i don’t understand why THIS is the way you did things, and why you’re insisting you tried any other approach!!! i literally just want to understand!!!!!

Literally please compare this post to what I have ACTUALLY said about the situation on my blog. 

ok i will

literally right here you posted an interaction between us. it’s just an ask where you asked me a question about getting to your ask and i responded. you go on to say ‘how am i supposed to get ‘friendship’ from this?’ and then you go on to talk about how i answered some other asks before yours, denoting the asks i answered as ‘friends’ and (correct me if im misunderstanding!!!) implying the ones i didn’t answer as ‘not friends.’ but that doesn’t make any sense. my friendship level with people has nothing to do with how readily i am to answer their asks. what asks i answer depends on time, energy, how compelled i am with the topic at hand, and a lot of other things. im looking at this screencap and i don’t understand how I’M supposed to get “not friends” from it. you posting this made me feel like you were reading deeply into every single interaction i had with you... i dont understand how i was supposed to know that the way i responded here was “unfriendly,” and i don’t understand how i’m supposed to know that me answering certain asks in a certain order has any connotation other than the literal one-wendy is answering certain asks in a certain order. and yeah sometimes i burnout or lose steam and just delete all my asks or don’t get to some. i didn’t realize i was being monitored on that too... thats what i was talking about in my personal post you very rudely put on display. i just thought we were friends, i didn’t realize there were all these... micro-interactions i had to be monitoring? i didn’t realize this stuff would make a difference about if you liked me back or not, i thought we were just friends and we liked each other already.

you also said:

She genuinely never called me by my name. She didn’t know how to spell it because she’d never spelled it before. My friends know that my name is not spelled like that because it’s 1 letter off from a very famous person. This wasn’t a guilt trip; it was truly just hurtful for her to address me by name the first time when she was calling me an asshole.

i didn’t know this was a social faux pas either. i am honestly really bad with names and even if i’ve known someone for years i will nervously check their blog to make sure i am getting their name right. i didn’t nervously check yours because when someone hurts me i can’t bear to look at their social media for fear of what i might find there. but i think “she spelled my name wrong and therefore we weren’t friends” (my understanding at least) is kind of drastic. if that is the case, i really don’t have as many friends as i thought i did.

sorry i did that, in any case. i’ll learn from it and not do it in the future.

I hope doing so makes it clear the extent to which a popular blogger (WHO I LITERALLY HARDLY SPOKE TO BEFORE THIS) 

like you literally just keep twisting the knife in. i don’t know how to tell you that how much i am able to talk to people has nothing to do with how much i like them and if i consider them a friend or not... this is hurtful. you keep bringing up how little we talked, or how i talked to you, and its hurtful. i just don’t understand why it’s so hard for you to understand that, esp when you’re autistic also. how have you not experienced exactly what you’re doing to me? someone who doesn’t understand the way you value a person’s company because they’re not allistic ways? i can’t talk to my friends all the time. sometimes, the most i can do is a like in their direction, a response to something they sent me, or even just silently reading their posts. 

what about this is not clicking? my ways of showing love and appreciation are different. you were in my private discord server, something that is HEAVILY vetted due to past abuse and full of people i consider my closest friends. you were someone i followed on tumblr, something i do not easily extend because of just how much rhetoric on this website upsets and overwhelm me. and regardless of if we didn’t talk enough by your standards, you still liked so many of my posts and i regarded you fondly and enjoyed seeing you and considered you my friend. just because my ways of showing appreciation were not in alignment with your ways or your standards, that doesn’t mean they don’t exist or matter.

has been intentionally manipulating my words and actions to make herself feel better about losing a follower she thought was cool, through her own actions at that. 

i’m not a “popular blogger,” who “lost a follower,” i’m a person who lost a friend. if i am really this... image you’re painting of me, of some social media influencer with “tens of thousands of followers” (i’m. not?? i don’t even have one 10k, let alone several) then why would i care about losing ONE?

i don’t know how to spell this out clearer. i’m traumatized. my trauma centers around repetitive abandonment from friends, more specifically blocking/softblocking/deactivating/moving blogs. to paint you a picture, there are certain posts on this website that actively trigger me despite being harmless, because they were the last post at the top of a friend’s blog before the friend remade their entire social media just to leave me in the dust. sometime’s i’ll be scrolling and some errant funnyman text post will send me spiraling.

and that’s what you did to me. that is why i am upset. it has nothing to do with making me feel better, it has nothing to do with manipulation, i do not need to manipulate this situation and to say that about a borderline having a fucking breakdown because someone perpetuated a horrible trauma she’s lived through time and time again is fucked up, wrong, and shitty. you are constantly downplaying my feelings by acting like just because you didn’t consider me a friend, what you did was okay. you refuse to talk to me one on one, or show me any indication of the apology you keep claiming you sent. and now you are acting as though this speaking out i am doing has to do with some ~tumbler dot corn callout dramaz~ instead of a person lamenting and hurting on her personal blog about yet another person hurting her in a very easily avoidable way.

i don’t know what “my own actions” are that drove you away. you didn’t have a conversation with me about them, or if you did i never saw it. i just woke up one day and you had blocked me. i still don’t know why you blocked me. i just know all the reasons you think it was an okay thing to do.

You can genuinely read back to see that what she claims I am saying and doing is at best self-aggrandizingly misinterpreted, and at worst actively and maliciously misleading.

maybe things wouldn’t get misinterpreted if you instead communicated with me instead of just ghosting me and trying to talk yourself out of the guilt of it. i don’t want to misinterpret anything, i just am having trouble understanding why you did any of this to me and your answers to all those questions aren’t helping me understand because i can’t ask about them in real time.

I am reiterating the same shit because it’s the truth. Her desperation to convince her tens of thousands of followers that I’m “lying”, while asserting that I said things that I did truly actually not and you can literally just go see that on my blog in writing, is tremendously telling.

i clarified some here, but i still don’t know where i’m supposed to be looking for this apology. 

again, i don’t have tens of thousands of followers, and me posting on this blog isn’t about reaching an audience or whatever, it’s about... processing the pain you’ve caused me.

I will say it bluntly now: You are not a person I would ever want to be friends with. 

thats fine, but i wish you would have just told me that instead of doing this. a lot of my friendships end because i was incompatible with a person who doesn’t feel the need to traumatize me to avoid having a conversation. you could’ve just shot me a DM and told me it wasn’t meant to be, and i could’ve thanked you for your time and moved on with my life.

I cannot be emotionally manipulated in such transparent ways, and I am not impressed by you. If that makes you mad, I hope the fire keeps fizzling.

my suffering won’t make your life better, and demonizing me won’t lessen the guilt of what you did to me. you’ll heal a lot faster if you just admit to even just yourself that maybe you could’ve handled things more gracefully. 

this is exactly what you did to me. and you confronted one of my friends asking for space/understanding about why it hurt you. right here you literally ask marcus, word for word, what i wanted for you. the hypocrisy you’re showing me is astounding.

#tenderskeptic #smeargletail #also dont think i haven't seen all the wild shit you said to marcus like... come on. #long post #also please stop calling me musashi its a japanese name and im a white girl #if you MUST call me by my username you can call me mu for short #but my name is jessie or wendy please do not call me that #it says in my about not to call me that and has for YEARS #i know you like disregarding my about pages but this one is MORE IMPORTANT

[sign-from-god-complex]

You’re so valid. And lucky for you I planned to do exactly nothing on this day so here we go!

Virgil was the first to notice that there was something different about the four of them.

He’d been researching into mental illness/anxiety stuff on tumblr and stumbled upon some posts in the actuallyautistic hashtag that hit a little too close to home, so he looked into it a little bit more and realised, hey, those posts describe them all really well. He was too anxious to say anything though because he was scared he was wrong or that the others would think he was making stuff up.

Then one day Patton had a meltdown—a very rare occurrence that frightened all of them. Logan and Roman hadn’t known it was a meltdown and had mostly just stood there, unsure of what to do. Because of the research he’d been doing though, Virgil knew what to do in order to make things okay a little bit quicker than normal.

At that point, Virgil just couldn't keep it to himself anymore. Plus, he was getting really tired of having to act more neurotypical than he was.

Logan agreed almost as soon as Virgil mentioned his suspicions. He felt like he'd been nearing the point of realising it himself, he just hadn't got there yet, though Logan also quietly worried that he couldn’t be autistic because he was smart and generally articulate. Virgil mostly dispersed those fears by mentioning all the autistic traits he did have—something Virge had been paying a lot more attention to since he realised.

Patton was initially quite confused. He didn’t really know anything about autism, but he was clearly interested in finding out.

Once they’d explained to him the general premise of autism and, more specifically, which of his behaviours seemed to be as a result of it he was ecstatic. It was very much a moment of, "there's a reason I want to do these things?? I'm allowed to do them???" which resulted in Patton doing a little jumpy, stimmy dance thing around the room for a second.

Roman was the only one who refused to accept it at first. He was Creativity! He wasn't supposed to be limited like that by sensory issues or speech difficulties, that's ridiculous!

He didn't deny that the others were autistic, because that would be cruel, but he was very much of the mindset that they were like that and he was different. As a result, he pushed himself far past his limits to prove to the others he was capable until eventually, he ended up experiencing autistic burnout.

(continues under the cut)

Autistic burnout is something Virgil had discovered in his online research.

It was a period of time where you’re more sensitive and your autistic traits are more visible; you might be more prone to meltdowns, shutdowns or sensory overload, you might find it more difficult or nigh impossible to keep up socialising and it can also cause a lack of motivation or lack of executive dysfunction skills (ability to make decisions, be organised, etc.), among other things.

And the top two behaviours it’s caused by are trying to suppress autistic traits/trying to act neurotypical and doing too much all the time, both things Roman were doing.

Virgil knew Roman was setting himself up for autistic burnout but Roman refused to listen to him whenever he told him to slow down, saying that he was perfectly fine, thank you very much, he knew his limits. He didn’t, of course. Virgil could see him slipping further and further down from the point of okay, could see him getting more and more irritable, more and more sensitive and more and more exhausted, though he tried his best to pretend otherwise.

It eventually culminated in Roman just not coming downstairs one morning.

Roman was generally a pretty late riser due to staying up late the night before, though he had been getting up slightly earlier than usual lately. Patton would normally leave a serving of whatever breakfast food he’d made that morning in the microwave for him to heat up later, but Roman’s pancakes had gone cold a long time ago and Patton was worried.

Virge had briefed Patton on the whole autistic burnout thing and Patton had done a little research of his own, so armed with that, Patton headed off to Roman’s room. He didn’t necessarily want to disturb him since solitude was good for helping with burnout, but he feared that if one of them didn’t talk to him about the way he’d been acting nothing was going to change.

When Patton pushed open the door to Roman’s room, he was greeted by Roman laying on his back on the bed. For a moment Patton worried that Roman was just asleep and Patton had been concerned about nothing, but as his eyes adjusted to the darkness Patton could see that Roman was indeed awake.

Patton whispered his name, trying to quietly alert Roman of his presence but Roman gave no indication that he’d heard. Patton then approached the bed and sat cross-legged on the other side, looking over at Roman. He still didn’t react. Patton screwed up his face for a moment before landing on an idea—something grounding, but not overwhelming. Patton started to hum.

He started with, “Someday My Prince Will Come” and ran through the Disney anthology as best as he could remember it. He got through about 5 or 6 songs before Roman turned to him and signed, “Are you just going to sit there all day?”

To which Patton replied, “Maybe. If I feel like I need to.”

He didn’t question the use of the sign language. They’d learnt it ages ago as they realised even before they understood that they were autistic that Virgil sometimes didn’t feel up to talking. More commonly outside of Virgil, it was used when the others wanted to be quiet, like if someone was sleeping. Patton knew this was an example of the former though and he understood; talking was hard sometimes.

Patton paused his humming for the moment though, since he now had Roman’s attention, and instead quietly whispered, “Roman, if you carry on like this you’re going to drive yourself into the ground—even more so than you already have. I know you want to be ‘normal’, but you have to understand that we don’t get to pick and choose what we’re like. This is our normal. And you have to take care of yourself with that in mind, okay? We’re here for you.”

Roman’s eyes were a little bit wet as he nodded. Patton thought it was best not to mention anything though, just in case he got self-conscious.

“Alright,” Patton continued, “Then I think there might be a Disney marathon downstairs with your name on it.”

Roman’s eyes lit up slightly at the mention of Disney. Patton remembered Virgil talking about special interests, and although he’d spoken about it in the context of Logan and astronomy, Patton had a very strong feeling that Disney was a special interest for Roman. It was part of the reason he’d chosen the songs he had—he’d wanted something comforting and familiar to bring Roman back to the present.

Patton climbed off the bed and headed for the door, Roman trailing after him, blanket wrapped around him like a cape. Before they left the room, though, Patton spun around, turning his gaze to the floor to avoid too much uncomfortable eye contact.

“Roman, I want you to know that while we’re down there, you don’t have to act as anything other than who you are, you know that right?” Patton said softly. “You’re safe here; we love you and we only want you to be okay.”

Roman paused for a moment before nodding again.

Patton then opened his arms for a hug, but also clarifying that Roman was allowed to say no. He didn’t say no, though. Instead, Roman dropped his blanket and dove his way into Patton’s arms, clinging tightly and burying his face into Patton’s shoulder. Patton responded in kind and began to rock them gently side to side.

The hug lasted about 20 seconds—maybe an inappropriate amount of time for anyone else, but a perfect amount of time for them—before Roman picked his blanket back up and they headed downstairs.

Virgil at first was slightly taken aback by Roman’s signed hello as opposed to his usual sung good mornings, but as he sat through the Disney marathon with the two of them he realised what had probably gone on.

Roman was quiet, but occasionally Virgil looked over to see him stimming, which was exactly what he'd been wanting him to do. He assumed Patton must have talked to him about some stuff, and Virgil made a note to not suppress any of his autistic behaviours when around Roman, to show him that it was all okay.

Patton was so relieved the following days to see Roman more carefree and genuinely happy, not just going back to the way he’d been before. It was definitely a journey where they were all gonna have some high points and some low points, but having Roman okay with his place on this ride made all the difference.

Logan claimed that he barely noticed a change. Roman sung in the corridors pretty much the same amount before and after the two of them had had their talk, so what was really the consequence?

Secretly though, Logan was pleased that Roman was more comfortable with himself. It didn’t sit right with him to know that Roman was actively disregarding self-care in favour of seeming neurotypical, especially when there was no need to do so.

And Roman learnt some new things about being autistic. He learnt about stimming and special interests. He learnt about the explanations and sense of community being autistic brought him. He learnt that he’s okay with this new normal. And though that need to push himself past his limits doesn’t go away, he at least knows what his limits are more clearly now. And he has the others to help him recognise when he’s gone too far and to help him get back on track.

#this was not where I was expecting this to go #but also #I've been wanting to write something like this since I wrote the second set of hcs #I almost turned it into a proper fanfic but I'm so not able to write good today #I tried believe me #sanders sides #sanders sides headcanon #virgil sanders #roman sanders #patton sanders #logan sanders #not a lot of logan in this one #that's weird for me #autistic sides #sanders sides fic #lo can write

[autpunk-blog]

oops, i think i’m autistic

this is a text for people who have just realized, or are beginning to wonder that they might be autistic. i will try to give you some keywords and language to describe and understand your experiences.

this will not be about pursuing a diagnosis or getting external help. these can also be very important steps, but in this text i will only try to shed some light on experiences that are often silenced by the neurotypical mainstream.

autistic burnout

being autistic is as wonderful as it is hard.

the fact that you are just now considering that you might be autistic can mean that you are experiencing what we call autistic burnout. it can occur together with or independent from a classical burnout. autistic burnout often includes the loss of abilities and increased visibility of autistic traits.

the long text “help, i am getting more autistic” explains many things that can lead to showing more autistic traits, like increased outside expectations, stress from other sources, autistic burnout and others.

communication

being autistic means that we struggle with neurotypical communication, both verbal and nonverbal.

we may avoid eye contact, we may not be able to read faces. we may not be able to understand or use facial expressions, body language or tone of voice in the same way neurotypical people do.

many of us use scripts to make communication easier. that means we have specific words or sentences that we say in specific situations. like saying “good morning” to your coworkers, we might have a script for “what to say when people ask me how i am doing” or “how to explain my health problems to doctors” or “how to react when someone is feeling scared”. some of us come up with scripts on their own, others use phrases they have heard or read somewhere else (this is also called echolalia).

we may use autistic body language that is very different from neurotypical body language. we may react very differently to any stimuli. many of us laugh or smile when we are distressed. many of us move rapidly when we are happy. these are just some examples - we are all wonderfully different.

our social interactions are markedly different from non-autistic social interactions. many of us prefer to be direct and honest over hiding our points in words that mean something else. we often use parallel conversations were 2 or more people talk to each other, but everyone is talking about something completely different.

social difficulties

those of us who are usually verbal may experience “going nonverbal”, that means losing the ability to speak for an amount of time. many of us struggle at keeping up conversations, finding the right words in the right time and getting other people to understand us.

many of us have a hard time trying to understand concepts that are important to neurotypicals. this can include problems with understanding abstract words or lacking the ability to understand other people’s intentions.

many of us have prosopagnosia, that means being faceblind, which means we cannot remember and recognize faces.

many of us have alexithymia, that means we cannot identify and name our emotions, even though we feel them very clearly.

our social difficulties often makes us susceptible to manipulation and deception. when we try to understand and mimic social rules, we are not always successful.

sensory experiences

many of us have difficulties with sensory processing. we may get overwhelmed by loud noises or bright lights. touch may be very unpleasant or painful to us. we may have sensory hyper- or hyposensitivities. we might struggle to remember images or sounds. we might have trouble interpreting what we are seeing or hearing, even if we do not have vision or hearing impairments. (another keyword is “auditory processing disorder”.)

we might be very sensitive to taste and smell - or we might need intense tastes and smells to feel comfortable.

many of us experience synaesthesia, that means we associate different senses with each other. numbers may have colours, sounds may have shapes or feelings may have directions.

stimming

many of us crave controlled sensory input. the act of giving ourselves this controlled sensory stimulation is called stimming. stimming can be thousands of activities - it can be rocking, pacing, clapping, fidgeting, chewing, touching or looking at good things, there are acoustic stims, vestibular stims, taste and smell and pressure stims, the possibilities are endless! stimming is wonderful and natural.

thought organization

we seem to have a different kind of thought process than non-autistic people do, but there are huge differences between the ways autistic people think as well! some of us think mostly visually. others cannot think in images at all. some of us think in words or echolalia, others don’t use words in their mind. there’s an amazing variety in the ways our minds work.

many of us have executive dysfunction. it can be hard for us to do even simple tasks. we may have to re-learn the same thing over and over again. we may get overwhelmed by tasks that are too big for us. we may have trouble figuring out the single steps that make up a complex task. we may struggle with initiating tasks or switching tasks.

on the other hand, many of us experience hyperfocus, where we just sink into whatever we are doing, completely forgetting about the outside world for hours on end.

routines

one of the ways we deal with both sensory processing difficulties and executive functioning problems are routines. having routines means doing the same thing in the same way always, it means having a reliable reference and a frame that gives our lives shape.

familiar surroundings and reliable planning are important for many of us. we may plan ahead meticulously. many of us react very strongly to change in routines or plans. having things and surroundings stay the same can be very important for our functioning and wellbeing.

special interests

being autistic often also means having one or more special interests. special interests are things that we get very excited about. we collect information on our special interest, or we have the need to do it as much as possible. it’s more than just a hobby - it’s a special and wonderful hobby. we may have the same special interest for all our lives, or we may have many different special interests, each only lasting a few days. we may find ever new things or come back to old favourites or we might be simply too tired to have a special interest again.

emotions and empathy

some of us do not experience empathy at all, others are hyper-empathic, others experience it only partially. empathy has many different aspects: you can “feel what others feel”, you can try to “put yourself in their shoes” to imagine what you would feel in their situation, you can react to their emotions with your own emotional response. however, all of this requires you to read their emotional state first, which can be very hard for us.

one of the misconceptions about autism is that we are supposedly “emotionless”. the truth is, many of us are extremely sensitive. we can develop ptsd from experiences that others would not even classify as traumatic.

another myth is that we are unable to lie or understand irony and sarcasm at all. while it is true that we often struggle with detecting irony and sarcasm, most of us can still understand the concept and use it.

it is also untrue that we lack “theory of mind”. we are well aware that other people have different thoughts than we do, which is exactly the reason why it is hard for us to guess what other people may be thinking or feeling.

stress reactions

many of us respond to sensory overload, emotional overload, routine changes or other stress factors with shutdowns or meltdowns.

meltdowns are an explosive stress reaction that can range anywhere from “i am upset” to “i am endangering myself and/or others” or “i am destroying objects”. meltdowns can be internalised or externalised.

shutdowns is when we go silent and become very calm. we may freeze or drop on the floor. we may dissociate.

sensory overload, shutdowns and meltdowns can happen several times per day or once every couple of years. severity and frequency can change for any given person over the cause of their life.

there is no one way to be autistic

autism is just the way our brains are wired. we still have unique personalities.

we come in all shapes and sizes, in all genders and sexual orientations, we exist in all races and cultures. we don’t grow out of autism. we are autistic from before we are born and stay autistic for all our lives.

our autistic traits are also influenced by other neurodivergences. personality disorders, ptsd, adhd, ocd, schizophrenia, and everything else can influence the way we experience or display our autism.

it is important to recognize that there is no hierarchy between different “types” of autism. people who were diagnosed in childhood are not generally better or worse off than people who were never diagnosed. we experience different kinds of ableism: dehumanization and dismissiveness.

functioning labels - that is, labelling autistic people as “high functioning” or “low functioning” - harm everyone. they are being used to deny “high functioning” people the help they need and to deny “low functioning” people their independence and humanity.

while it is true that some of us need more support than others, this does not mean we “function” at a different level. this classification is based on ableist notions about what abilities a human being must have in order to be seen as fully human.

autistic people often have very asymmetric skill development. only very few of us have real splinter skills, but many of us are far better in some areas of competence than in others.

if it just so happens that the things we are bad at are the things required for everyday living, we may get labelled “low functioning” - regardless of what we are actually able to do.

autism is not a one dimensional condition. there are hundreds of things we can be very good or very bad at. some of us have intense sensory sensitivities, others have strong social difficulties, yet others cannot cope with the slightest change in their routine. some of us are very musical, others excel at maths and science, yet others prefer to play volleyball.

autistic culture and identity

autistic culture has been existing probably as long as any kind of human culture has, long before the term autism had been invented.

we have always been a part of society. with our contributions we enrich humanity. we are teachers, artists, engineers, nurses, cleaners, designers, professors, bus drivers, activists, politicians, parents, doctors or therapists. capitalism likes to exploit our special skills while at the same time refusing to meet our special needs.

we are friends, we are family members and neighbours, we care and we help and we work in our own ways. not everyone of us can work in a way that is rewarded financially.

while it is true that being autistic can be a severe disability, or that this anti-autistic society can be very disabling for us, many autistic communities are seeking to establish Autistic identity outside of pathologizing medical definitions.

#lhmod #actuallyautistic #actually autistic #autism #long read #autistic culture #autistic identity #resources #functioning labels