#and didn't see it until really late

[critter-creature-or-beast]

Submitted for classification by @donteatmeimtofu

#large spotted genet #cape genet #genet #mammal #submission #two polls today because admin messed up and queued this one for midnight instead of noon #and didn't see it until really late #so it goes up the next day instead

[maingh0st]

The hate Taryn gets is way too exaggerated and disproportionate. It’s just straight up misogyny at this point, in my opinion. The fandom needs to get over it.

I could literally write a treatise about Taryn-hate at this point lmao. I’m going to share some thoughts (this actually got quite long), but I want to include a big ole disclaimer: at the end of the day, everybody gets to engage in fandom in the ways they want. everyone is free to love or hate whichever characters they want, for the reasons that feel valid and real to them. that being said, the treatment of Taryn specifically is really troubling and bizarre to me. 

I think it’s worth pointing out that when we say Taryn-hate seems misogynistic, that means a lot more than just “people who hate Taryn hate her because she’s a girl.” in my opinion, fandom misogyny toward her often gets couched in broader terms. some examples of what I mean by this are:

(1) Taryn does things that are bad and I don’t like that - uhhhh okay. everybody in these books does shitty things, so let’s think about why specifically the actions of Taryn (a 17-18 year old girl being manipulated by multiple men in her life) fall into the category of unredeemable for you. the reason we might point to this being misogynistic is because it’s a double standard that doesn’t apply to other characters—we’re willing to forgive Cardan his cruelty, or centuries-old Madoc for the trauma he's inflicted and his ongoing need for bloodshed, but Taryn is just a stupid, evil girl for trying to secure her place in Elfhame through the levers of power that are available to her. she can never be forgiven nor redeemed no matter how loyal she is to Jude moving forward. why is that? what sin of hers are so particularly evil to warrant this response? and we have to answer these questions in the context of Elfhame & its moral code, not in the context of our own world.

(2) I could never see myself acting in the way Taryn does and therefore I don’t like her - okay? I can never see myself acting like Madoc, or even like Vivi (don’t get me started on Vivi & the fact that she gets passes Taryn never does), but that doesn’t mean I can’t have empathy for them. I understand that we experience the books through Jude’s perspective, so we’re automatically more prone to rooting for her—and to be clear, I love Jude! but fiction challenges us to experience the world through other perspectives, and it’s my opinion that Taryn acts in a way that is completely consistent and understandable with her experience of Elfhame. “I’m not like you,” she tells Jude. “I want to belong here. Defying them makes everything worse. You never asked me before you went against Prince Cardan—you didn’t care what it brought down on either of our heads.” 

while Jude’s defiance is held up as girlboss behavior (by me, too! I love a “get worse” arc), Taryn’s more traditionally feminine approach to finding her place in Elfhame is reviled (@slightlyrebelliouswriter23 has a great post on the fawn response to trauma & on passivity). more on this point below. 

(3) Taryn isn’t a “girl’s girl” - I am begging fandom to think critically about why Taryn betrays Jude & what that says not just about Elfhame, but about our world. these girls live in a world that affords them little power and agency. we meet them on the cusp of adulthood, and they’re both hyper-aware that they need to secure their place in Elfhame. Jude refers to knighthood as “earning” her place and is uninterested in marriage, but Taryn seems aware that she’s more likely to secure her place through the latter option (and also expresses the fear that Jude is going to leave her behind). it’s an oversimplification, but a useful one for the sake of this conversation, to point out that Jude chooses a more traditionally masculine approach, while Taryn chooses a more traditionally feminine one.

the tragedy is that this world—and particularly the men in their lives—pit them against one another. Locke offers Taryn the thing she wants most, requires a vow of her secrecy, and then begins flirting with Jude (and that's not even to mention him being a gancanagh!). at a point in her story where Madoc and Oriana are the only family who are still around for Taryn, Madoc capitalizes on Taryn’s ignorance (and also her awareness that she's never been the favorite daughter) & uses her to betray Jude. I almost never see these complexities brought up in conversations about Taryn, which is just gross to me, and echoes the ways that patriarchal power structures pit women against each other in the real world. 

I’ve seen people argue that while Jude’s approach is also flawed, she at least doesn’t betray Taryn. and like… kind of? she certainly doesn’t betray Taryn as directly as Taryn betrays her—but some of that just strikes me as dumb luck. consider what might’ve happened if Dain hadn’t died at the end of book one. what lengths might he have asked Jude to go to in order to prove her loyalty to him? or if we rewind even further—it’s honestly just dumb luck that someone didn’t harm or kill Taryn (Valerian, for example, could've chosen the wrong window). Jude’s antagonism of Cardan & his friends had a direct effect on Taryn’s life, and even though Taryn begged her to stop, she bullheadedly charged on. the difference is that Jude’s risky decisions ultimately work out for her, while Taryn has to face the consequences of hers not panning out the way she wanted them to. 

this isn't exhaustive, and there’s so much more I could say, but this is already so long. so in conclusion, the reason all this matters to me personally is twofold: 

at its best, fiction teaches us empathy. part of why I love tfota is because it takes characters & dynamics that are really messy & helps you, the reader, understand where everyone is coming from & why. the fact that we love Madoc is a testament to fiction’s ability to do this. so why is a teenage girl treated like the true villain of this story? what about her makes us incapable of empathy? why, in the mind of the fandom, is she not allowed forgiveness (or even just a chance at redemption) for the harm she's caused, while other characters are? I see people stanning Nicasia, who actively tortured Jude (over a boy, no less!!) ffs

fandom misogyny reflects our world. why are people eager to forgive toxic male love interests, yet hold the bar impossibly high for girls? why is there such a narrow set of choices & behaviors that we consider acceptable for female characters? Holly wrote a story about two young women carving out places for themselves in a world hostile to them, hurting each other in the process, and ultimately deciding to forgive, love, and root for one another—and fandom has taken that complex narrative and pitted them against one another, upholding one as the girlboss who can do no wrong while treating the other as scum. misogyny thrives on women treating each other like the problem, so if this is our attitude toward a fictional story where we’re afforded direct looks into characters’ thoughts, how much worse are we going to be in the real world, faced with real, imperfect women?

anyways, in conclusion: you're entitled to dislike taryn, but if you feel such vitriol toward her that you're literally making hate posts (or commenting under fanart of her!! holy shit), I invite you to interrogate where that hate actually comes from. fin.

#if you want to argue with me that’s fine - I just ask that you’re respectful #one critique i do have is that holly didn't allow jude & taryn to have a good convo in qon #taryn didn't have the full picture until pretty late in the narrative #and i think allowing them to hash things out would've really helped with a lot of fandom's shitty behavior towards taryn #because instead what we get is her repeatedly *acting* in ways that support jude #like she's pretty ride or die for all of qon #and i read that pretty redemptively #but it's not explicitly stated/talked through #so #thanks for the ask <3 #will anyone read all of this?? we shall see #long post #tfota #the folk of the air #taryn duarte #tarynposting #jude duarte #taryn discourse #taryn hate #fandom misogyny #tcp #the cruel prince #twk #the wicked king #tqon #the queen of nothing #anon

[cradle-of-darkness]

COOKIES OF DARKNESS NATION WE ARE OFFICIALLY BACK 💪💪💪💪💪💪💪💪💪💪💪💪💪💪💪💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️

(long rambling in tags if u care)

#cookie run #licorice cookie #red velvet cookie #affogato cookie #I KNOW im late to this but i was at school ok 🙄 anyways i have a lot of thoughts #first off LICORICE UGH I MISSED HIM SO BAD IM SO HAPPY FOR HIM #his stats are so fascinating to me. i don't think anyone was expecting his strength to be that high #its pretty average but its still his best stat surprisingly #im shocked his strategy and puzzle solving are only 3. i think that's a strange decision to make them so low but I'm open to accepting it #maybe his avoidance/lack of ability to see the big picture contributes to the low scores? #his stats are so unexpected but I could get used to it. still i want an elaboration from devsis on these #i want them to show his strength in the show because i was expecting his strength to be like. 3 or 4 #but anywho. i think its very funny how affo is 0 strength. i love how its canon licorice could easily kick his ass in a fist fight #i really do love affo and im SO happy to see him with the cod fucking finally all we got with him as a cod until now was ODYSSEY 😭 #im so excited to see him work with the cod as an actual member. he's a very fun character for me #i cant wait for them to actually make him feel like one of the cookies of darkness its been over a year since he joined by now c'mon #im just so ecstatic that the cod are back. hopefully this is a good omen and will pave the way for more cod appearances soon #bcs u all know how i feel about the lack of cod for the better part of the past year. this better be their comeback i believe in them #😁😁😁😁😁😁 IM JUST SO HAPPY THIS IS THE BEST POSSIBLE OUTCOME IM SO HAPPY U HSVE NO IDEA I LITERALLY SCREAMED #btw ik crepe is there. but they're in a weird grey area of being a cod so i didn't post them BUT IM VERY HAPPY THEY'RE THERE TOO ‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️ #♦️charlie's miscellaneous

[zilabee]

believe me when I tell you - - by tikk

paul/john - 9000 words - pg _____________________________________________

John accidentally discovers Paul's early lyrics for Oh! Darling and notices they were originally written out as Oh! Johnny.

kink meme prompt

In which Paul is oblivious about his feelings because he doesn't have any feelings or if he does have any feelings they're definitely imaginary and don't mean anything. In which John very calmly tries to piece together Paul's non-existent feelings, and what they might possibly mean if they meant anything (which they don't).

#believe me when I tell you #beatles fic #mclennon #this is a prompt from the ides of march #so I added it to the ao3 collection #but I didn't see the prompt until the ficathon was over #and then I thought about it and didn't write it for ages #so it's not just crazy late as it might seem #also it's not really a fic #it's an indulgence #because sometimes I like to think about how ridiculous Paul is #and imagine John just putting up with him #and sitting near him #trying to decipher him #I love them

[eveningrainstorm]

new unhinged girl just dropped

#kind of late to the party on this one but i didn't have time to draw her until yesterday #i'm very excited to see more of her. i hope she's fucked up <3 #we may only have one (1) screenshot of her but i see a woman who looks like she has something wrong with her and immediately am obsessed #your turn to die #yttd #uhhhhhhhh there isn't a name to tag her as is there. eh whatever #my art #she is really hard to draw though. like i love her enough to do it but man there is a lot going on in this design #so many ruffles. i need to find a faster way to draw convincing ruffles if i'm going to keep drawing her because this was far too many

[rat-pagi]

Kaleesh Week Day 3 - Demigod

An animated short, based off of the last couple lines of If All Goes Well, which I now know of, thanks to @inonibird's Qymaen jai Sheelal playlist (if you haven't taken a listen yet, I highly recommend it, it's been a huge inspiration to me in all my Qymaen musings)

More specifically the last couple of lines--

You see, thing that gets me about about the Kaleesh concept of demigod is that it's both a blessing, to elevate another of your kin to godhood, while they still walk among you-- it demonstrates love, admiration, hope that they may bring about a better future-- and yet a the same time, it seems a curse. I mean, damn, how hard must it be to not only have the entirety of your populace looking to you to lead, but to also be expected not to really screw up because demigods don't do that (not to say there isn't a conception of gods/demigods making mistakes in most Kaleesh cultures, but it's still a Bad Thing that Doesn't Happen Often).

In the EU canon, there's a line that has stayed with me-- Qymaen never really agreed to become Grievous, not until his wives and children were led before him. I think that line's expected reading is that, when he saw them, he was moved to realize how much Kalee (and he) had to lose by refusing San Hill's deal. However-- I wonder if, along with that, there was also his demigod-hood among the Kaleesh to consider. What would it do to them to see their champion beaten, his body broken-- and by a shuttle crash, no less? At least discarding the remains of his Kaleesh body, the ideal of Qymaen jai Sheelal, the dreamer, the demigod was preserved. Even if it destroyed the man himself.

But that was the price that Qymaen was willing to pay.

#so many thoughts about this #actually have no idea how coherent this is either since it is LATE where I am #but wanted to get this short up before I sleep #actually its been in the works for a month now...I just...didn't have the motivation to finish it until now lol #but now I do!! #so thank you to #kaleesh week and tubercolosis-bot 9000 #for that the extra motivation points lol-- I really appreciate the event and seeing everyone's work so far :)))) #kaleeshweek #kaleeshweek2023 #kaleesh #qymaen jai sheelal #general grievous #the boy #art backlog #technically #Spotify

[queenerdloser]

I PASSED!!!! MY DRIVING TEST!!!!!!!!

#liveblogging life #i think there instructor felt sorry for me tho lol #it was VERY quick like 10m??? #but i only got points knocked off bc at one intersection i didn't see a car coming until late #i stopped i time but i had pulled over the white line whoops #i thought for sure i failed bc i thought my turns were too jerky and stuff #SO relieved omfg i really didn't want to have to take it again

[fearandhatred]

i always have to have something wrong with me at all times and there are always about fifteen different factors that could have caused that Something Wrong With Me so i can never fix it

#fearandhatred #for a long while i got sick really easily and i would wake up with colds that would last the whole day (and only a day) #and i could not figure out why #like did i not drink enough water? exercise? did i sleep late? period? etc. #and for the longest time i didn't know what it was until i discovered MOLD IN MY ROOM #and even then my dad kept guilt tripping me saying it was because i never drink enough water #even though i do. and even though my symptoms became itchy throat and ears on top of my colds #and then my mom made me move to my brother's room and all my problems cleared immediately lol. after months or maybe years #see what happens when you listen to your child #wait i went on a tangent but basically now my jaw hurts. like one side is tight #and idk if it's because i'm stressed or i grind my teeth in my sleep or i have a tooth decay or because i keep not wearing my retainers #anyway i always have to have something wrong with me which is funny because if i'm not sick then some part of my mouth hurts #or i accidentally injure myself #or one part of my body aches for no reason #or i'm on my period #genuinely cannot catch a break from this SHIT like bro i'm too young for this #anyway. peace and love

[angorwhosebabyisthis]

[pericky; a look into ricky's head during their meeting.]

---

"I'm glad you came, I wasn't sure you would." The wine pours, the sound of it drowning out the missing word in that sentence: back.

Of course, is the response, and the part of Ricky that's spent twenty years tearing itself apart to understand why vibrates with relief. It doesn't matter anymore. Of course, of course, he thinks giddily along with the words. He never needed to wonder why Pericles wasn't coming back in the first place; he was always going to.

I'm happy you invited me, and of course he thinks again. A lifetime of pretending he wasn't always going to either falls away. However harsh and lonely the world has been, all's right with it again; and the shy voice of the boy inside him that he's tried so hard to kill says, so quietly, I missed you.

#sdmi #scooby doo: mystery incorporated #pericky #ricky owens #professor pericles #anyway fucking end me actually. lay me down to die #i said i was gonna write more pericky and by fucking god i did #the 'why did you do this to me' to 'oh thank god you didn't actually do this to me' pipeline of abuse folks 🥲 #which like. their last conversation is yet another devastating example of ricky finally standing up to pericles' bullshit Too Late #ricky denounces him in the strongest terms he knows; based on his own feelings and opinions and the way he sees the world #(which: even then he can't bring himself to say 'i don't love you anymore') #(the closest he can get is 'i chose you and i can't take it back; the only way i can imagine not loving you is if i never had at all') #and pericles tries to go 'nyeh nyeh whatever i don't care' (and does a real bad job of pretending he is not obviously hurt lmao) #and ricky doesn't try to understand his logic; he doesn't try to reconcile a world where pericles didn't *really* mean to do anything wrong #his response is MAYBE YOU *SHOULD* CARE. #pericles' view of the world and what's right and acceptable are warped and *wrong* and he's the one who needs to get his shit together #'you shouldn't have abused me you shouldn't have killed cassidy you shouldn't have murdered a child in cold blood' #that is MASSIVE and i think it is really telling that pericles' response is to shut him down with force instead of trying to argue any more #and that in the end is the real true fucking tragedy of it all #ricky is making huge strides one after the other to take back his freedom from pericles emotionally #....and materially it makes no difference to improve his situation in the moment; because pericles doesn't have any less power to abuse him #he never has a triumphant moment where he Overcomes His Abuser and Breaks Out of His Control #there's nothing he can do to fight back until pericles is too Literally Dead to control him anymore #it is one of the rawest depictions of the reality of abuse i've ever seen and just. God. i love it so much #(at the same time i REALLY want to explore a version of events where he got the chance to expand further on that growth) #(the 'all witches are selfish; make all things yours; i have a duty' speech from the wee free men comes to mind) #whosebaby makes things #whosebaby writes #SDMItag #dyn: when i die i want you to die too

[roberrtphilip]

noticing many people really just do Not understand how the friends to lovers trope works, and it's. interesting to say the least

#like I see a lot of people complaining about stuff like #“oh person a didn't care about person b romantically until they were with someone else !! they don't REALLY love a !!!” #and it's like ... friends to lovers is all about the slow realization that you're in love !! #sometimes you don't know you're in love until whoa hey wait why am I feeling jealous ??? oh.. oh................ #it's not “now they're gone/I can't have them so I want them” it's simply not realizing you were in love because you were friends first !!!! #and sometimes you can't tell the feelings apart !! until suddenly you can !!!! #idk. pointless post I just felt like rambling cause I've seen a lot of complaints abt this lately. idk idk #em.txt

[bambiraptorx]

sometimes i forget that being depressed isn't normal honestly

#bambi's rambling #i mean like it's normal for me and has been for years #possibly always #like i remember crying myself to sleep and thinking no one loved me at like age five #i just didn't really understand the concept until like. fifteen or sixteen i think #at one point i looked up an online 'are you depressed' quiz #even before my mom put me in therapy cause she was concerned #but it said i had 'mild depression' so i was like oh well that doesn't really count obviously #(the ironic part was that it was the same test that the therapist used to see if i was depressed. so apparently it was legitimate) #but like i dont know how not to be depressed #i know its getting worse lately but like. what do i do about that #i'm so horrendously uncomfortable talking about this kind of thing even in online settings #like there's a 50/50 change imma delete this instead of posting it it's that bad #prolly gonna delete this even if i do post it #how am i supposed to get help when i can't even ask for it. that kinda thing #not like it matters all that much anyway lmao #it's just my brain being stupid like normal #vent #tw vent #tw depression #tw mental illness #cw depression #cw mental health

[fullmoonfireball]

pikmin 3 deluxe.. fun :>

i've been playing it with my brother today (we just beat the Vehemoth Phosbat before taking a break), and i appreciate that it harkens back my favourite bit of PVP from Epic Yarn- being able to throw the other player. it's so funny to just scruff them at a moment's notice

#Rambles Into The Void #we actually had to fight her twice bc the first time we fucked up and didn't realize there was a paper bag to get back to the Drake #at least not until it was WAY too late and we were about to lose a ton of pikmin in a super preventable way #so we just restarted the day and did it again but better #as a funny little consequence we ended up seeing the charlie reunion cutscene dialogue with both alph AND brittany #unfortunately there isn't really a meaningful difference

[marshmallowgoop]

It seems you're mixing the dub audio with remastered footage which I was planning on doing but are you actually gonna upload full episodes anywhere?

I don't share much information about the project on Tumblr, but I talk about it more on Discord!

My workbench in the DCMK Fanworks Server (join link here) has the most comprehensive and up-to-date info, but I also post updates in the Detective Conan EN Community (join link here). As of right now, I've mixed Episodes 1-71, 76-78, and 118.

That said: I would be very happy if anyone else would like to take over! I am very slow 😅

#replies #anonymous #i so wish it would be done officially #i'd buy it in a heartbeat #but until then i'll do it myself 😅 or let someone else do it if anyone would like to take over! #i said i'd get back to it after i finished my last amv but i've been in such a weird funk lately #would love to get it done this year though #it'll be faster when i'm not ocr'ing dub subs anymore and i only have a few eps with that left #i'm so sorry but i don't think i'll be making dub subs for any eps that didn't include them originally #maybe that's why i'm hesitating on continuing... i feel so terrible about that #i really want to include them but without them already in place that's adding a lot of extra time to an already time-consuming process #(it often takes two hours per episode at the very very least--and that's not including render/compression time) #it's a lot of work but it is really something i want to get done (or have done by someone else! haha) #the remastered footage really makes such a difference #and it's helpful with my amvs lol i had to fake a clip for 'messed up' and it would have been soo much easier to just have it already mixed #but in any case i'm glad i'm not the only one who wants this! love seeing funi dub love <3

[tswwwit]

Nobody asked for these, but here are some random Familiar AU thoughts!

Lately, Ford has been begrudgingly admitting that he knows of one time someone summoned a demon and it worked out.... okay. For certain definitions of the word. He grumbles about it a lot, but all of his associates are very surprised by this small admission. The news really comes in handy the first time Dipper and Bill meet some demon hunters. Nepotism at its finest.

Dipper is dreading the day he has to admit his marriage to his parents. Bill hasn't brought up the subject; Dipper's pretty sure it's because Bill doesn't care about them. Mabel, thankfully, hasn't spilled the beans yet. Maybe Dipper can avoid it forever. (He Can't.)

Wendy, whenever she finally meets Bill, is entirely unaware of his seething jealousy at her being Dipper's first crush. Soos, however, gets along with Bill fairly well! Considering he's Bill and all.

Bill has a whole set of extremely gaudy gold jewelry he can't wait to see Dipper wearing. (ONLY wearing that) He daydreams of his 'servant' feeding him eyeballs while he lies on a chaise lounge holding court. (Not gonna happen.)

One of Bill's first goals with the first reincarnation of Dipper is to sleep with him. Not sex, just literally sleep. Nap. Rest and snore in his ear and cuddle, because it's something he hasn't done before.

Dipper absolutely takes a ton of inspiration for his illusions from all the nightmares he's seen in the Mindscape. He's still a shitty actor, though, so the best bet of telling if that horrific writing monstrosity is real or an illusion is watching his face.

If Dipper's clearly pretending to be afraid? Illusion. If he's scared? Real. If he's calm? That's a coinflip; he's either making it, or he knows the guy from somewhere and isn't worried. Best to be cautious, 'cause it might eat you if you get close.

Finally, I bet Bill is the type of Gross to like popping his partner's pimples. Behold the only thing that could get Dipper Pines into skincare: Self Defense

#Familiar!AU #This is just some random bullshit so feel free to ignore it #None of this is technically canon until I write it and even then it's nebulous #Dipper's only gonna wear the cultist gold for bedroom times #He *might* do the feeding Bill things while lounging in front of his court if he got pants and the eyeballs were exchanged for grapes #A fair compromise; Bill didn't really want everyone seeing Dipper's bits anyway #They end up having an argument about why the grapes aren't peeled #Dipper makes an excellent point about how he'd mangle them and it'd ruin the aesthetic #Too late you've already spent fifteen minutes flirting/bickering in front of everyone #Dipper probably has to go to Pacifica for skincare tips #His face has cleared up a ton since puberty but he's in defense mode for the next eruption #And Mabel has plenty of stuff but it's either glittery or causes a breakout on Dipper #Or Both #One day I might write the parent thing cause it has a ton of potential chaos #But honestly the Wendy and Bill meeting is much closer to being conceptually done #Also smut is at 5k and I got to use the word 'antediluvian' which is always fun #That has been my rambles and thank for your reading

[darabeatha]

@ardenssolis said ; "So, Jason, was the voyage worth it in the end?" [hi smol] / 𝐔𝐍𝐏𝐑𝐎𝐌𝐏𝐓𝐄𝐃

❝ Was that voyage worth it? Let me put it this way; would you give everything in your life for one second of glory ? for not even a tangible future, just for one beautiful dream ? everything you have ? I did. That voyage... See it under any lens, you don't need to be a genius to come to the conclusion that it was not worth it. Did it make me learn anything? Hell, did that even matter ? To who was I even supposed to show my change of heart ? Was I even conscious of that ? Did I return as the same man I was when I left or was I so blind that I could not even tell any difference ? Before I could mourn this wreckage of a dream and gulp down my own despair, I was crushed by the very same ship that allowed this feverish dream to sail. The dead can't learn from their mistakes, I can only say I would do it again differently now because I now have a second chance to make things different. ❞

#ardenssolis #;j.ason #/HI SHIIIII! #/UMMM;; i think;; its such a tragedy how the story ends; but its those stories that leave the -reader- thinking #bc j.ason didn't really have that second chance to look back ; he couldn't- and thats one of the interesting things #his story was a feverish dream of glory; he was so blinded by it that he could not see all it took to get to the end #he didnt get a second chance; but he also didnt stop to give himself that second chance u get me? #he was so blinded by the shine of it all that everything slipped past him #theres no learning for him until its too late and he gets crushed by the very same (now rotting) argo #and thats like;; the tragedy of it all? bc the voyage doesnt make him a better person #voyages always change a person in one way or another but he doesnt look back on this #compared to other heroes that come back with more wisdom like g.ilgamesh and that become better #in his case it feels so;; humane?? he sucked ass and he still sucks ass! #and he ends as a looser!! completely unhappy and miserable! #heck even f.ate wise; u look at his lvl10 bond ce #'Next time; there won't be a next time huh. Give me another chance!' #'Next time I'll properly; seriously; carefully; correctly... Do it; I'll show you! ... ... Damn...' #theres no other chance because he ends up dying there;; do u get the tragedy- #now he can grow because he can finally face back his past; but at his time of death #it was only at the very last moment that the lament truly hit #j.ason didn't die at peace nor filled with rage; he died with lament and despair which to him is worst #he doesnt lament chasing for his dream; he would do it again; that's not the point but the way he did it- he wants another chance! #HE'LL DO IT DIFFERENTLY THIS TIME...!! (this time he'll learn!) #the hero always gains something after the journey but #j.ason didnt gain anything; in fact he LOST things

[thedreadvampy]

idk I had a very interesting therap today but I just

like it's all very well to recognise that I gotta have a fucking open-ended breakdown and jump face first into the Sadness Bog sometimes instead of sitting on all my feelings

but like

I still have to go to work, you know? it's like. ok yeah have a breakdown which like until you jump into it you don't know if it's going to last an hour or a year. yeah go ahead that's all grand. you do have to get up in the morning and go to work though. you're not allowed to not do that. or to not pay the rent or not shower or not eat.

like all my friends and loved ones are constantly like 'you know you're allowed to be sad right' and it's like. AM I??? because I STILL HAVE TO PAY RENT.

#red said #the thing my therapist keeps pointing out is like. i got on this adulthood thing WAY too early #metaphorically i have Had To Go To Work In The Morning since i was like. 4. bc i am congenitally incapable of #Not Thinking About Consequences. and it's so important to be Good and Tough and Have It Together #but like. maybe if id done more crying and melting down when i DIDN'T Have To Go To Work In The Morning bc i was a Literal Infant #i might be a more balanced adult now that i actually DO. Have To Go To Work In The Morning. #what do people like. do. when they have to have feelings but also meet adult responsibilities? impossible. gotta choose. #i think it doesn't help that i already really struggle to work a full time job. like I'm already late basically every day bc i a night guy #so it's like. there's no give in this. maybe if i was back into a 3-4 day week? but idk if i can afford that #but also the work is only partly work. it's also like. having human relationships. eating. washing. being a person. #but idk. like. until i have some genuinely open-ended time i think I'm gonna always find it impossible to actually let go #i said in therapy it's like. like sadness specifically is like a thick muddy bog. and i can dip a foot in it #but bc i know i need to be able to keep moving #i can only stick a foot in and deal with a bit of it if I'm holding onto something. so in practise i can only cry #right before it becomes inappropriate to cry. so like. end of a therapy session. heading to a train station after seeing someone. #that kind of thing. it's a safety thing. #it would be much more effectively Dealing With to go dive into the bog and plough through it #but I DON'T KNOW HOW LONG THAT'LL TAKE and i have to like. come out all muddy and deal with that #and there's always somewhere i gotta be soon. i can't just jump into the mud. not cause I'll get hurt i just Don't Have Time #anyway. feelings. how do they work. embarrassed about having them. embarrassed about suppressing them. generally just embarrassed.