#and i am bad at being told what to do

[simspaghetti]

Snow has arrived! ☃️

Eduardo also discovered a magic laundry gnome, which completes a challenge requirement!

✔️ Obtain the Magic Laundry Gnome

#i have altered some of the 'living green' challenge requirements because they were making me not want to play lol #mainly ive just gotten rid of most of the building restrictions #because i like to decorate darn it #and i am bad at being told what to do #which is why this challenge suits me because i can never stick to challenges where i can’t make my own storyline hahaha #TS3 Gameplay #TS3 legacy #Random Legacy #Sims 3 #TS3 #Simblr #Blossoming Legacy #Blossoming2 #Amy Blossom #Eduardo Blossom

[inkskinned]

you were raised in comparison.

it wasn't always obvious (well. except for the times that it was), but you internalized it young. you had to eat what you didn't like, other people are going hungry, and you should be grateful. you had to suck it up and walk on the twisted ankle, it wasn't broken, you were just being a baby. you were never actually suffering, people obviously had it worse than you did.

you had a roof over your head - imagine! with the way you behaved, with how you talked back to your parents? you're lucky they didn't kick you out on your ass. they had friends who had to deal with that. hell, you have friends who had to deal with that. and how dare you imply your father isn't there for you - just because he doesn't ever actually talk to you and just because he's completely emotionally checked out of your life doesn't mean you're not fucking lucky. think about your cousins, who don't even get to speak to their dad. so what if yours has a mean streak; is aggressive and rude. at least you have a father to be rude to you.

you really think you're hurting? you were raised in a home! you had access to clean water! you never so much as came close to experiencing a real problem. sure, okay. you have this "mental illness" thing, but teenagers are always depressed, right. it's a phase, you'll move on with your life.

what do you mean you feel burnt out at work. what do you mean you mean you never "formed healthy coping mechanisms?" we raised you better than that. you were supposed to just shoulder through things. to hold yourself to high expectations. "burning out" is for people with real jobs and real stress. burnout is for people who have sick kids and people who have high-paying jobs and people who are actually experiencing something difficult. recently you almost cried because you couldn't find your fucking car keys. you just have lost your sense of gratitude, and honestly, we're kind of hurt. we tell you we love you, isn't that enough? if you want us to stick around, you need to be better about proving it. you need to shut up about how your mental health is ruined.

it could be worse! what if you were actually experiencing executive dysfunction. if you were really actually sick, would you even be able to look at things on the internet about it? you just spend too much time on webMD. you just like to freak yourself out and feel like you belong to something. you just like playing the victim. this is always how you have been - you've always been so fucking dramatic. you have no idea how good you have it - you're too fucking sensitive.

you were like, maybe too good of a kid. unwilling to make a real fuss. and the whole time - the little points, the little validations - they went unnoticed. it isn't that you were looking for love, specifically - more like you'd just wanted any one person to actually listen. that was all you'd really need. you just needed to be witnessed. it wasn't that you couldn't withstand the burden, but you did want to know that anyone was watching. these days, you are so accustomed to the idea of comparison - you don't even think you belong in your own communities. someone always fits better than you do. you're always the outlier. they made these places safe, and then you go in, and you are just not... quite the same way that would actually-fit.

you watch the little white ocean of your numbness lap at your ankles. the tide has been coming in for a while, you need to do something about it. what you want to do is take a nap. what you want to do is develop some kind of time machine - it's not like you want your life to stop, not completely, but it would really nice if you could just get everything to freeze, just for a little while, just until you're finished resting. but at least you're not the worst you've been. at least you have anything. you're so fucking lucky. do you have any concept of the amount of global suffering?

a little ant dies at the side of your kitchen sink. you look at its strange chitinous body and think - if you could just somehow convince yourself it is enough, it will finally be enough and you can be happy. no changes will have to be made. you just need to remember what you could lose. what is still precious to you.

you can't stop staring at the ant. you could be an ant instead of a person, that is how lucky you are. it's just - you didn't know the name of the ant, did you. it's just - ants spend their whole life working, and never complain. never pull the car over to weep.

it's just - when it died, it curled up into a tight little ball.

something kind of uncomfortable: you do that when you sleep.

#writeblr #warm up #my dad was actively doing bad shit to us and we STILL were told we were lucky . and to a point i do think im lucky #i just think also there's somethin to be said about like. how about we stop using comparison to dismiss ppls individual struggles #yes there are people who have no perspective. for the reference tho having perspective actually made me really unwilling to get help #for what was a serious and debilitating mental health issue. bc i thought i didnt DESERVE IT #and i would rather have 600 ppl who aren't THAT bad get help and get heard and get seen #than make any 1 kid. do the math that i did: look at the world that is dying and the people who are hurting and say #''oh. okay. others have it worse. they are probably better people than i am. i am being unreasonable. i cannot ask for help #i am not good. i am taking too much space. i am not worth saving.'' #bc our WHOLE lives we are taught a scarcity mindset - that you can 'steal' from someone. so that instead of changing a system that doesn't #actually offer fair support to everyone #we put the impetus on the individual to just... demand less. #and here's something - there are probably ppl who think i DIDNT deserve to get help #bc i DID have it better than other people #and something about that is ... so sickening. bc i think all of us in some way at some point WILL need help. #we were supposed to make communities. we were supposed to offer our hands. we were supposed to raise the barn #instead we said: it could be worse. now handle it yourself

[floccinaucinihilipilificationa]

#selfie bee #me telling a coworker who I have been working with for 4 months and whose name I do not know about my toenails #i'm sorry Tobias (?? Paul ??) it was the only topic I could come up with after I already told you about the big bird I saw in 8th grade #FRIENDS how are you!! :) how has the new year been so far!! #did you have a lot of snow on christmas! #we did and it was really fun! I had a very bad cold so I just watched the snow from inside but that was good too c: #do you have any plans for the new year? #i always have lot and most of the time I do not do any of them but planning is fun #this year I REALLY want to watch all of Star Trek ヽ(´∇｀)ﾉ #I would also love to learn how to make a handstand #imagine if you could just make yourself upside down #but it is a far away dream because honestly I am not very good at being usual side up most of the time either #but I will try probably at least 2 times to learn it ( ᐛ ) #maybe I'll finally finish that website! #new years are good and fun #it's wild to think about how much daily life has changed since last year but I feel just the same :) #who knows what this year will bring! #I hope I don't hit a pheasant with my car #I almost hit a pheasant with my car last year and the pheasant made direct eye contact #I wonder how he is doing today #since that moment I think about pheasants a lot #I knew they were real but I had never seen one #just to know they are out there is a mystical feeling #right know it is raining so all the pheasants might be wet #get dry soon pheasants!! #I don't think I've ever seen a wet bird either #I don't know what do do with all these birds thoughts #also thank you for the person who asked about my skirt!! ( ˊᵕˋ )♡.°⑅ #I've finished it and its really really bad #but I love it

[uncanny-tranny]

Sometimes, I'm sad about the hobbies I have abandoned or have been too intimidated to pick up. But... what good is it, to just beat myself up over that? My bass is sitting in the corner, patiently waiting, and so is everything else. My life isn't over, and I've got nothing to answer to. I'm wading through a sea of time, and I'll pick up the seashells that interest me, and it's okay to put one back in the sand. The current's waves will bring it back to me if that is to be destiny. I can not hate myself into productivity, so I must swim on.

I think the same can apply to anybody. It's okay if you have dropped something, such as a hobby or passion. Human beings are like that sometimes, it isn't reasonable for you to beat yourself into submission. You, too, can not hate yourself into being a well-rounded person. You must cultivate it like you would a garden - with patience, time, and care.

#positivity #encouraging words #i feel like so often people will try to hate themselves into being 'better' people... #...like fitness for instance. so many people slog through fitness not because they are interested in moving their body... #..but because they are told they must do [x] workout or look [y] way... #...and so it becomes a chore that is a means to an end. but... is that how we ought to live you think? #like i go to the gym because it's FUN. i go there to have FUN. i do what is enjoyable there! #i don't worry about anything but if i am doing a weightlife correctly (for safety) and if i am moving and having fun #why would i go to the gym if i am not having fun? fun is a *human need* regardless of age! #we are wired to do fun things - to seek out pleasure. why should we surpress that? #a well-rounded person is somebody who can be in-tune with their feelings and can recognize what is enjoyable... #...and not only that but to not feel *bad* about their feelings or needs changing (this is - at least - my opinion) #i thought this was an interesting conversation and something i sometimes struggle with and see others struggle with

[starwikia]

suicide cw

look i have been in this area before mentally. it sucks and i wouldn’t wish this on anyone. but, and this is going to sound callous, but i don’t feel any sympathy for james somerton. even if i hope he’s like. not dead. But thats all the amount of goodwill im willing to give him. The more i think about this really, the more angry i am. 

ngl this entire situation is another example of how white people weaponize their mental illness to avoid consequences. Im seeing it in real time.

this man has a continuous habit of using self-harm as a get-out-of-jail-for-free card. in both of his apologies, he has worded his supposed attempts in ways that were clearly meant to guilt people who displayed his plagiarism and overall horrendous history of racism and misogyny. i say supposed because, while i’m not saying those are lies and this would he such a fucked up thing to lie about that i don’t want to think he has, unfortunately, it’s been proven again and again that his word can’t be trusted, as he’s known to lie to try get out of consequences. Hes a proven liar. him lying about this is actually the best case scenario, because no one should go through this entire situation, wouldnt wish this on anyone, but you can only do this so often before people stop sympathizing with you. is this callous? Yeah, but like. I’m actually fucking angry he cant straight up take no as an answer. that this is how he reacts realizing he cant be one of the Cool Kidz™️ on youtube anymore. he acts like he DESERVES a career, like its not a privilege hes lost due to his own actions.

He lied about apologizing and forgiving people, he lied about giving the money to hbomberguy to give to ppl he ripped off (yknow, instead of doing it himself), he lied about the jessie gender situation and rewrote the narrative to make it so he isnt the bad guy, and hes the victim all along actually!

you can’t tell me that supposed last message of his isn’t meant to be a 13 reasons why esq attempt to deflect the blame “look i’m going to kill myself and it’s all YOUR PEOPLES FAULT for not letting me achieve my DREAM of being filmmaker IN PEACE!!! I just wanted Nick’s (the guy who I have thrown under the bus again and again) portfolio up!! Im just being a good friend dont you all FEEL BAD” he refuses to take ANY ACCOUNTABILITY of any of his actions and he IS STILL trying to shove the blame over to other people again.

it’s also pretty ironic people are like “uhhh well hbomber’s fans harassed him!!!” like hbomber outright told people NOT to HARASS JAMES!!! ALSO acting as if james doesn’t have a very real documented history of STRAIGHT UP sending his fans to harass and threaten smaller creators, more notably women, trans, and bipoc creators. especially after he’s stolen typically very personal anecdotes so he could profit from them. so why can he do it but the second people are like “hey this guys an actual piece of shit.” and he can’t handle it suddenly people are trying to white knight his shit? like no he doesn’t get that. he doesn’t get that at all just because he couldn’t handle the consequences of his actions. 

what? were supposed to stay quiet about a man profiting off of other minorities because he wanted to be the spokesman for all gay people? people tried to solve this on a smaller, more private scales for YEARS and he kept doing it. it was clear that the giant public video was the ONLY way to get people to notice. HE WOULDVE GOTTEN AWAY WITH STEALING 87 FUCKING THOUSANDS WORTH OF DOLLARS. HE CANT HANDLE THE FACT HE CANT GET AWAY WITH IT. 

am i supposed to feel bad for the guy who basically threatened a trans woman with the police? i don’t care what anyone says, it’s so fucking obvious that he threatened jessie by implying he was getting the police involved in their conflict. what am i supposed to act like that didn’t happen? are we supposed to pretend like he didn’t glorify nazi’s and outright said that gay people made up a good chunk of the nazis? That he didnt say america joined ww2 bc they were jealous of the NAZIS. WHAT WOULD POSSESS YOU TO FUCKING SAY THAT. but then? He gives women (not even women most of the time, he misgenders nonbinary ppl constantly) shit for writing mlm. are we supposed to act like he doesn’t straight-up sees himself superior and better than people of color and steals their works to put himself on a pedestal? Are we supposed to act like he didnt spit on our elders by saying “only the boring gays survived aids” like man! Fuck you! He BLANTANTLY MAKES UP HISTORY TO PUT HIMSELF ON A PEDESTAL!! HE ACTIVELY TRIED TO REWRITE LGBT HISTORY TO SUIT HIS FUCKED UP NARRATIVES!

yes this sucks ! no one deserves this but no one should be making him a martyr. Thats what he fucking WANTS! He wants to be immortalized as a victim!! (again, supposedly, it was reported hes alive but its not confirmed).

The shit he got isnt near the amount of fucking callous behavior hes done again and again. Again, to drill this point, EVEN IF HE DIDNT CALL THE POLICE HE THREATENED A TRANS WOMAN INTO THINKING HE DID!!! The fact he tried to use a head injury to justify years of the outright ghoulish shit fucking astounds me. Why the fuck did anyone in his life thought it was a good idea to let him TRY to come back. in the end, he had options. he didn’t need to try to make a comeback. HE DIDNT NEED TO FUCKING LIE OR IGNORE THE SHIT HE WAS CALLED OUT ON the reality is, he wanted to come back thinking he could shove it under the rug, was told that no dude, you’re not allowed to be a youtuber anymore. you’re done. you need to move on and went full nuclear. it’s not on anyone’s hands but his own. HES BEEN DOING THIS TO HIMSELF!! But nah man we cant call his shit out bc hell may or may not kill himself. Fuck the other minorities who have the same issues but worse and sometimes BECAUSE of him. This is going to SUCKKKK so bad when other ppl, specifically white gays, are going to weaponize this shit to get away with their stuff.

#warning: do not read this post if you want me to be nice to james somerton. i am extremely mean in this post. #before anyone accuses me of shit i legit never contacted him myself or anyone involved. i am someone who witnessed this behavior repeatedly #again. i hope hes alive and well. the fact is him lying about this WOULD BE THE IDEAL SITUATION. BC NO ONE SHOULD GO THROUGH THAT. but. #he HAS to forever be the victim in his eyes. attempting doesnt automatically mean youre free of sin. #its just terrible to see that regardless whether or not he did do it #its very clear his attempts to run away from his consequences are working on some people #we need to acknowledge that if your shitty ex friend can weaponize a threat to kill themselves #so can this internet person after being called out for horrendous shit #like what was the alterative? what were people supposed to fucking do? be nice about it? #yeah as if poc and trans women arent historically given shit for being 'too mean' about wanting justice. #this isnt just the plagiarism this is the fact a white dude has been parading himself as THE speaker for the gays(tm) but has been using hi #gayness to shield himself from his misogyny racism transphobia and antisemitism #its very clear regardless this means that ppl r going to side with him and then give him benefit of doubt #if you cant handle the heat stay out of the fucking kitchen dude. this is the consequences of your fucking actions. #hes a disgusting person who cant handle being told no so hes going to drag everyone down with him #like. idk this entire situation is frustrating to me. #its also frustrating ppl trying to be moral abt it like 'see! i knew this was bad all along!' no you didnt. shut it. #for the record im like mainly talking abt twit watching those spineless uwu cutesy ppl basically saying hes done noting wrong #oh and also alt righters who are clearly weaponinizing this where u know they wouldnt give a shit if a right ytber did this. #james somerton #idk might delete this later its just. ugh...

[blueskittlesart]

also to everyone contacting me about the tiktok--I have seen it, the reposter did not contact me before posting on tiktok but has since contacted me on instagram and they obeyed my repost credit policy so i'm tentatively ok with it!

#im so conflicted about reposts lmao bc on the one hand i have like concrete proof espc with this tiktok that it draws more people towards me #bc several people have specifically told me they found me via that tiktok. which is cool obv i love getting more engagement #but on the other hand it does remove a certain level of my autonomy over my work yknow #like when i post on my self-run social media i have the ultimate control over my audience--who sees it who comments what is being said etc #and when it's reposted even with credit it removes some of that control. which is like. not HORRIBLY bad in the context of fanart #but i know also that i am a person with polarizing opinions and given how much of ME is tied up in my art i am sort of conflicted about #allowing people to remove me from my own content. yknow #like from personal experience whenever i get a popular credited repost on instagram i do get a ton of new followers #but i also usually get a huge surge of transphobic comments. so. yknow. 2 sides of the coin ig #anyway as for this specific repost they didn't violate my policy and i'm not going to change my policy just yet so were good #thank u all for pointing it out to me tho! #personal

[angelsdean]

and what if i started 'dean is too nice to sam' truthing ?

#well. publicly. bc i already am truthing that sdjkfjd #LISTEN. this show was really really bad at portraying actual sibling dynamics dfkdgk like half their fights would not be that deep irl #like oh you tried to kill me? ok well here's a funny picture of dog and also that's you ok lets go get food #dean as the eldest sibling should've told sam 'i'm right bc i'm the oldest do what i say' like. alllll the time #bc he's right and he's the oldest :) and sam just has to accept that he will ALWAYS be the baby even at 39 yrs old #esp dean being a parentified older sibling like. sam is simultaneously his annoying lil brother AND his pseduo-child #even if sam doesn't want to acknowledge that dean was his main most stable parental figure growing up it doesn't change the fact that #for dean that's what sam is. and so oscillating between the two roles of older brother and parent makes for a complicated dynamic #where you'll like. die for them. but also tease them mercilessly and call them a lil freak and weirdo #(but if anyone else did that you'd punch them out) #but yea. canon dean. too nice. #should've teased him more and gotten into more play fights + actual fights that end w/ them laughing + getting slushies at the gas 'n' sip #siblings siblings #vic.txt

[shadyhouse]

i keep getting rejected from job applications and i have no idea what im doing wrong. i wish they would just tell you WHY you're getting rejected and ways to improve. its a guessing game that ends up making me feel even more worthless than i felt before

#like i have been nonstop applying for jobs for the past YEAR and ive gotten TWO INTERVIEWS #one of them i got kicked out of near immediately bc you werent allowed to be late to the job and i mentioned i take the bus (mistake i know) #and the other one i had to turn down bc they wanted to pay me $11/hr despite me already having the experience they needed #and i just reapplied to an old job i had a couple years ago that pays well but i got an instant rejection #not to mention all the other jobs ive been applying to that dont even TRY to contact me before rejecting me #and then my current job where ive been pretty much explicitly told i'm never ever going to get promoted and i keep getting my hours cut #for reasons beyond my comprehension like i dont know what im even doing wrong bc no one will TELL ME #JUST TELL ME WHAT IM DOING WRONG #WHY AM I BEING BAD AT LIFE. CAN YOU THROW ME A BONE PLEASE. #IM TIRED OF SURVIVING I WANT TO THRIVE #IVE BEEN SURVIVING MY WHOLE LIFE IM JUST EXHAUSTED I WANT TO FEEL GOOD ABOUT SOMETHING I DID FOR ONCE PLEASE #Sorry for venting im trying to hold back a breakdown and i have to leave for work in an hour and i just need to shout into the void about it #even applying for like medical based jobs hasnt worked out. you wont even let me be a RECEPTIONIST? #i feel trapped at my current job. even my coworkers have been telling me that ive had my position for wayyyy too long and im gonna be stuck #like tell me something i dont know!!!!!!!!!! tell me how to get a better job!!!!!!!!!!!!! bc im struggling in every aspect of my life!!!!!! #whoever cursed me its working i hope youre happy. the haters love to see it

[foolishnpd]

if I'm told to stop doing something for any reason I will respect it because I am a very niceys person but also I will be seething and pissed for the next hour about it because like, don't tell me what to do??? I should have free reign to do what I want ugh

#lilyroaring #npd safe #actually narcissistic #but I listen because I'm so so nice #I am so respectful omg does everyone see how nice I am #I may internally break down and have many homicidal urges upon being told no #but it's fine I can respect that <333333333 #the pain of logic and emotions clashing is so bad #like wow I know I suck #but I continue to feel. bad. #like a stupid #a dummy #a silly even #well it's what you do that matters ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ #I can scream cry internally about everything whenever I want #and it hurts nobody but myself

[handweavers]

when reading scripture or religious texts in my studies from a variety of religions (a not-insignificant part of my education has been religious studies) i can appreciate and understand the beauty and appeal of it and make sense of its internal logic system and worldview and feel that i'm picking up what it's putting down even if i don't necessarily identify with it on a personal level, but i gotta be honest i always feel like i'm missing something or losing my mind when i read christian texts like i don't get it and it doesn't make sense to me and nothing about the trinity makes sense to me and the entire worldview feels so harsh and terrifying and bleak for no reason and every time i've asked anyone in my family (on the christian side) to explain any of it to me like sincerely i just feel more baffled and whenever i've had to read passages of the new testament i dont get it at all like even abstractly i don't understand and it makes me feel crazy like what i'm looking at has to be completely different from what other people are seeing and i don't mean it in a reddit atheist smug asshole way like it's genuinely beyond my comprehension I Don't Get It and i don't think i ever will

#and this is solely looking at texts/scripture/writings like i understand its historical and material context and aesthetics #i appreciate the way thay different ethnic groups have adapted xtianity to their culture and find it fascinating when it is syncretic #with ancient traditions and respect peoples right to practice and understand many xtian minorities have faced persecution etc #but every time i read something from the new testament im like is this really...??? uhhhh #and i dont feel that way at all w any other religions texts i can vibe with it i see what its doing and understand it and appreciate it #i find it so deeply unappealing in every possible way . truly just not for me sorry #it doesnt help the sheer amnt of bad experiences ive had with xtians targeting me for conversion #explicitly even after being told that i am sikh and not interested and continued to be harassed #and a genuinely traumatic incident w christian family counselling ive blocked out lol

[da-proti-toku-grem]

why can't anyone understand that everyone is different and not everyone likes the same things and that it's completely okay AND normal for someone not to like going out and preferring to stay at home :/

#honestly i understand that my parents care about me and they don't want me to be feeling bad #and that they ask me bc they just want to make sure i'm okay #but i've explained to them what i feel like and they just don't get and i get mad but i akso know it's not their fault and just... oughhhhh #like yeah i have a weird kind of social anxiety according to my therapist and even she doesn't know exactly how to help me yet #but there are just so many reasons behind why i don't like going out and it's not just bc it gives me anxiety #or why those situations give me anxiety in the forst place #1. i'm just a very introverted person that doesn't like going out #2. crowded places/closed spaces/places where there's not enough ventilation/loud places (be it people talking or just music) overwhelme me #3. all said in 2 + flashing lights give me huge migraines that can linger for over 3 days #4. i am very much a night owl and i'm forced to live in a society where that isn't fucking acceptable apparently and i'm called lazy for - #- not being productive in the morning when the only reason behind it is that i am a lot more productive at night #but no one ket's me do that bc 'why are you doing stuff when you're supposed to be asleep?' #i have been the same since i was little. literally nothing has changed #and people where always like 'oh she's just shy' #but idk wtf changed #maybe it was that i became and 'adult' or maybe the fact that i started therapy and they told my parents that i have social anxiety. idk #but suddenly every single person in my family is worried about it and they're genuinely making me feel like there's smth wrong about me #i mean. i have my problems i'm not gonna go telling you that i'm perfect bc i'm pretty much not #but is there really smth that wrong with me that i need to fix #or is society just a bitch that doesn't understand that there's different kinds of people and everyone is different & IT'S COMPLETELY OKAY #have they ever thought about the fact that maybe these situations cause me anxiety bc i've been forced all my life to do them #even if i don't like them #instead of thinking that i don't like them BC they cause me anxiety?? #i mean. i know i have to go out more and that there's tons of things i can do ofc #but you can't just force me to do things i don't want to and put on a good face while doing it *every.fucking.day* #aaaaand i could add a lot more things but i'm once again reaching the tag limit so i shoukd just shut up #it's just driving me crazy bc i know they're trying to help but it really is not helping at all............. #ranting

[lockhartandlych]

told my mom i'm developing a widow's peak and she laughed, saying "yeah, it runs in the family among the men."

jesus christ with that and the neckbeard i really am intersex arent i

#slightly terrified #being intersex isn't bad i know that #but it's such a different foundation on which to view myself #that's probably hypocritical coming from a proud tumblr genderfag boydyke kind of person #but i just. idk. it explains everything about what i've been through and what im still going through #i've had other trans men compliment me on how T is treating me #im not on T yet #i've been gendered as female in public yet been told i need to shave my face #and yet i've been gendered as male when wearing makeup #it's so strange #my existence is increasingly becoming foreign to the cis experience even though im not even on hormones yet #and in a way it's always been foreign #both in the trans way and in the 'i have a ton of body hair and acne at age ten' way #im usually all like 'yeah! fuck the gender binary! destroy expectations! down with cis!' #and also like. im a trans guy. i should want this and in a way i really really do #idk why my brain is being like this about it #fucking hell ​am i ever going to feel comfortable in my own body?

[moregraceful]

someone cold emailed me to ask if i was going to a writer's conference in los angeles and was putting together a panel or caucus for queer poets or if i knew anyone who was...buddy you are severely overestimating how much i network with other poets (i don't) and how often i attend writer's conferences (never) 😭

#''do you know of any other poets going'' no?? bc i hate networking with other poets???? #LIKE ARE THEY LESS ANNOYING THAN WHEN I WAS 23? IDK? MAYBE? #i feel like most things these days are less annoying than when i was 23 #or maybe i'm just better equipped to deal with annoying things than when i was 23 #yesterday i was talking to someone about my ethos wrt a class i ran last fall and he stopped me in the middle and was like #you're amazing. that class was a hot mess and you still had fun and found the good in it #like no i'm not amazing. i'm just in my thirties and it takes a lot more than other people's mental health crises to throw me off my game #he was pretty ticked off in the fall when i told him the like depth of crisis multiple students were in bc he thought i should have told hi #i was like idk it did not occur to me to ask for help. he was like you're doing daily check ins to make sure your students are eating?? #idk!! it didn't bother ME my job was just to make sure they were still alive! i mean my job was actually to teach liberation theology but #like i was not good at that. but i DO know how to be annoying until people feel less like killing themselves and more like killing me #anyway all that to say i can't wait to see how much less bothered i am in my 40s #i hope i have reached such a state of zen by age 50 that my spirit is unruffled by anything and anyone #i hope i float through life in a fine mist of okayness #someone says ''oh my god kasper my life is falling to pieces'' and i say ok 👍 we can get through this together👍 #what was this post about??? oh right networking #good networking: librarians bc you just go ''is your manager batshit insane'' and they go THIS PLACE MAKES ME SUICIDAL #and then you're friends for life #bad networking: poets (when i was 23) because all they do is name drop (when i was 23) and expect you to have opinions (i don't) #this post is wildly overconfident in my zen considering i'm so bored of being unemployed that i keep looking at teamworkonline #bhawks are hiring for a social media manager btw. imagine having that kind of access to mr 🥺. i'd literally only do paid advertising #to gay men #i'm not applying bc social media management would actually break my sobriety i am pretty sure #but imagine having connor bedard at your disposal and being like ok kid. we r gonna catfish some gays into caring about the bhawks #basically what i do with the cuda blog lol #ok ok ok i'm done. posting. goodbye. livejournal mode de-activate #fresno oilers.txt

[ducktollers]

got a sortof interview for a research assistant job tomorrow and sooooooooo scareds :D

#delete later #sortof bc its basically already mine since my mom works there and said the current assistant sucks so bad theyll take Anyone with a degree #and theyre desperate #and its super casual and low intensity but still stressed tf out #bc i havent done anything non routine since december and my anxiety has gotten soooo bad and im soooo bad at talking to people #and ik the antidote is doing things again which is why am i doing this but. scary #and time is moving too fast and im so lost and i hate my stupid fuckass grocery store job and idk what to dew w my life rn #cannot stop reminiscing abt the life unlived and the time lost and while i do that i am not living anf losing time #😃😃😃😃😃😃 #cannot stop thinking abt how my school life is simply over and i missed it i wasted it its Over 😀 no more chances #didnt make ONE friend in 5 years of university didnt join anything didnt do anything except mentally deteriorate #uni is supposed to be the source of so much life and experience. and yooo i missed it 😂yooooo omg its too late for me 😂😂😂 #i rememebr before crossing the stage at high school graduation i was like. rn im in the part of my life before graduation #and in a minute suddenly im gonna be in the after #and then i realized recently. im in The After of university. the moment passed and i missed it #there is no more chances theres no more ‘next semester ill make friends’ theres no more Anything it is Over #time keeps going so fast and yallll i cant go back lol 😂😂😂 brooo wtf nobody told me u can never go back 😂 #dawg i havent felt alive even once since leaving high school 😂 yo i peaked at age 17 😂 yo jm about to turn 23 and my last memory is being 19 #yooooo whered the time go 😂😂😂😂 brooo where does it keep going lol come back wait up im runnin out of time 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 #x

[tirfpikachu]

broooo not my ex making posts abt how hard it is to come to terms with being conventionally attractive while having low self-esteem issues and how wild it is to get compliments randomly on their appearance when they go out and how they're worried that their new transmasc boytoy is only into them bc they're hot -_- i'm tired... meanwhile i'm just seen as a gremlin now that i'm not hyperfem... they truly have the biggest issues in the world lol

also they were like "omg turns out i'm not ace i just needed a bf lol" and i'm like yeah. i know. you've been lusting after male characters for years. you were horny as fuck just not for me bc i didn't transition. you only made moves on me when you were bored, lonely or drunk. i always asked if that was the case and you were like no baby it's just your insecurities i don't need you to transition uwu. for 5 years. my trust issues are thru the roof now yayyyyy /dies

#lay text #i'm being mean and petty ugh #my heart kinda hurts but talking w my counsellor abt it helped #it rly helps to have a neutral third party to vent to #also i still think my ex is a good person i don't actually hate them i love them as a friend. but i do hate what they did to me #i hate that they went along w us dating bc they're too much of a doormat. i hate that they thought abt breaking up w me for years #but never told me bc they were worried i wouldn't survive without them financially or emotionally #feels so fucking infantilizing #now i'm so much better off without them despite being broke #that was my first and only real relationship my first time my first everything. i'm so embarrassed wtf i was RIGHT i was right all along #i was right it wasn't just insecurities they straight up never wanted me they wanted future transitioned male-passing me #it was all lies!!! from the get-go!!! meanwhile i did so much romantic bullshit and i was wearing rose colored glasses!!!! #and i was a big dyke. being with a woman who identified as a woman would've made me 2000x happier anyway. we could've just stayed roommates #i'm so bitter guys. i feel so jaded but i'm trying not to be :/ #and now they have so much luck in their love life #and i'm just a lonely gremlin dyke who only attracts polyam/casual girls who only want me on the side #where tf is my love story :'( i've been trying SOOO FUCKING HARD to gain my ex's affection for 5 freaking years i was the most loveydovey g #i deserve a love story i think i've really earned it by now!!!!! #so much love to give #now they have it so easy wtf. feels unfair ngl. i'm happy for them obviously they deserve happiness too. but i am still bitter >:/ #trying to process these feels instead of repressing them for once. i have a tendency to bottle up angst bc i think i'm bad for being mad #but nope those r healthy emotions!!! i can work thru this #it just sucks #if you read all of this bs i give you a cookie 🍪 <3

[altruistic-meme]

why am i sad!!!!!!! where did it come from!!!!!!!!

#ok i know WHY im sad but like bitch we were just vibing hello???? #depression go away im just chilling leave me be #i don't wanna be sad rn!!!!!! #fuck being sad!!!!!!!!!! #i know like i need to feel it but UGH #i also need to send a message i really don't wanna send to my family :')))) #nothing like bad or life altering but i know they're gonna wanna talk to me about it and i Don't Wanna Talk About It With Them rn #so #hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhggghhhhhhhh #especially 2 of my sisters cus one is the one who is closest to me #and she or her gf are likely going to bring it up after i say it bc they. idk. #they CARE and ik they do but especially her gf can be very prying about things i don't wanna talk about until she gets answers #and my other sister is the only one who has any hint about what im talking about bc i told her not to ask a while ago #but the thing is she DID ask like a month later despite me explicitly asking her not to bring it up 🙃 #so i can't imagine she will respect it this time either #which is largely why i waited until i saw her for the month before sending it #SIGHHHHH i really should just get it over with #alas. i am just here to rant. #this is fine #i don't have any ice cream that SUCKS i should order some #this is an ice cream occasion #shh ac