#and it’s not that i don’t like emo anymore it’s that 2020s emo(s) is. so bad | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

iampikachuhearmeroar · 3 years

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sometime in this last week, or this week coming, my blog has turned/turns 10. god. a decade old. a whole ass chunk of my life i’ve spent on this hellsite. when i began on here, i was a kid. a lost, lonely, depressed and anxious 15/16 year old kid. a kid scared of her future. a kid confused about her future. what to do for uni. to change schools or not??? to do drama/acting at uni or english/philosophy or to move 8hrs away to another regional uni to “escape” her “washed up, dead end hometown” that was so typical of all the pop-punk music that she was listening to at the time.

she was a tad overdramatic, loud, “funny” (as described by her school friends) and terribly forgetful in regards to homework and school assignments. she was angry at the world, most especially the catholic school she was fucking sick and tired of attending. but she was convinced that since she was the so-called “funny girl”, that she simply couldn’t be depressed or anxious. she believed herself unloveable because she didn’t look like a weird mixture of hayley williams and emo-pop queen lights. but now, i no longer believe that i have to look like the women that i looked up to in the ~emo scene~. fuck beauty standards. i am loveable.

in the years since joining tumblr, i’ve managed to get through business college, my undergrad degree and, well, failed out of postgrad due to obvious burnout and health issues amongst other things. although i’ve lost many friends irl and many followers/mutuals online on here. for those who’ve stuck around to see me get through all of this, thank you. to all the friends/casual mutuals that have since deactivated or only followed me for a short time then unfollowed; thank you.

like obviously i was never/have never been a massive popular blog on here, like thebootydiaries or vampireapologist (who has since deactivated a couple of months ago) with tens of thousands of followers. my follower count is still close to the 8,000 range at 7,892. obviously that’s still a lot of people (and of course, porn bots lmao and many, many non-active blogs), enough like one super old post from like 2012 tumblr pointed out, enough for a small to medium sized city or town, or something like that. i don’t know how many people i’ve really reached. i really don’t know how i actually amassed this small army of people.

i am aware though, that on other platforms like snapchat (lmao does anyone even use it anymore in 2021???)/instagram/youtube/tiktok etc, i’d PROBABLY be considered as some type of ~micro influencer (🤮🤮)~. hell, i actually had a bot slide into my notes about being one on here on this hellsite back in 2019. i don’t know if i’ve ever actually ~influenced~ anyone on here with my shitposts (when i started making some) or my personal posts. i don’t know my reach. even though, now, i do occasionally get featured on buzzfeed listicles (although pay me buzzfeed along with the OPs of those original embedded posts), i still don’t know how many people i’ve reached… and even with my very occasional checks of google analytics lmao. on top of this, grappling with the loss of followers at times is much, much easier than it was when i began on here and the first few years following that. i know that my follower count doesn’t determine my worth and stuff.

but over these 10 years, i have grown. i turn 26 this year. back in 2011, 15/16yo me never thought she’d be here. she was partially down the suicidal thoughts hole, with things about ~picturing her funeral and wondering who’d bother to turn up. if only she could pretend to be dead for a day to see who’d give a fuck~ and 16-18yo me was defs down it with her HSC hellscape thoughts in 2012/2013. that 3rd floor tafe/tech women’s bathroom window drop and the thought of scarring her class for life (and that cool dude from catholic school that she crushed on who ended up at tafe with her) with jumping out of it onto the concrete below. instead, she just posted on fb about ~being a failure~ etc which ultimately did lose her a bunch of facebook friends lmao. it was practically the same thing. her mental breakdown after the end of her hsc, where she let her earrings go green and get infected in her ears because “fuck self care, bc what the fuck is it??? i’ll never get better! let me fucking wallow in my self loathing bc it’s the only thing that i’m fucking good at!!!” so i no longer have my ears pierced. oh! it was just all too fucking much!!

i am happier today. i no longer have those semi-suicidal thoughts. hell, i almost died in 2020 from a fucking bowel aneurysm, after my stomach tumour excision surgery. that forced me to put things into perspective. i appreciate the little things . i appreciate the very few friends that i actually have. yes. i’m still depressed and anxious. some days are still shitty and hard. but nowhere as hard and shitty as they were back when i began on here 10 years ago.

how the fuck last 10 years have gone past, with my ass on here; clearing out my blog and caring more about doing that than my uni work (lmao whoops); having made some lifelong friends both internationally (from the US) and long distance domestically in australia, it’s been a long ride; i honestly have no fucking idea. obviously over these past 10 years, i’ve debated with myself over and over and over again whether i should delete/deactivate this account or not. would it make me healthier??? more than likely. but then when i have meltdowns or just inner ramblings i have to get out somewhere, where else to post??? on fb?? obvs not. it’s “attention seeking” or the like on there. no one will read them. no one will resonate. but on here??? even if i got/get one “like” in the notes or one “yo i feel this” response in the tags or replies, it feels like i’ve reached someone??? okay yeah. i know this place IS NOT therapy and i’m not using my followers as amateur (or probs even actual professional) armchair psychologists…. which is a thing i think people need to stop doing internet-wide: but that’s a whole other post that i reblogged a few days ago lmao. i really need to get another therapist, actually lmao.

but it’s the community i’ve found hard to leave. i have what feel like friends, when i’ve never been employed (still as of yet); and when all of my irl friends/acquaintances are working and doing the whole ~adulting~ and ~grown up life~ thing right. it’s also the frenzied rabidness of spite with hating staff’s godawful ideas. the memes. oh the memes. and also the RaWrInG 20s XD emo scene reemergence on here that’s kept me here. the messy petty drama from time to time of big blogs fighting it out.

this place really is bizarre and fun sometimes. and also the fact that i can still hide behind the ridiculous “roaring pikachu” URL that i made all those years ago. i am anonymous. it’s freeing. but on fb it’s all like “WHY WONT YOU ADD A BANNER IMAGE AND TELL US 20 FUN FACTS ABOUT YOU!!!!!???? LET PEOPLE WHO HAVENT SPOKEN TO YOU IN 10 YEARS KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU BECAUSE WE’RE ALL FRIENDS HERE!!!” and the same goes for Corporate Hellscape Facebook™️ (linkedin) but in the professional sense instead. y’all know fuck all about me really. besides my posts. and i love that and live for that. okay yeah. y’all know more about my mental health than my fb feed obvs… which is probably a terribly unfortunate thing. but still.

over the last 10 years then, my superiority complex for being ~so original and intelligent~ or whatever the fuck i had in high school, has all but ebbed away. i’m not that smart just because i went to uni. hell, i literally did NONE of my in-class work and none of my philosophy readings in uni….. so i have fuck all idea of how i got through undergrad like that lmao. i’m not original when so many people can articulate the same thoughts that i have, but like, sometimes better, on a post (even though sometimes/most of the time the Tumblr User Hot Takes Tuesday™️ takes on here are fucking awful lmao). but still. originality is not something i really have anymore. or really had in the first place lmao.

so will i deactivate after these 10 years, like i’ve been saying for so, so long??? i honestly have no idea. but just know. thanks guise. have a nice gpoy selfie day XD. grab your wands. your tardises. grab your war paint. grab your whatever the fuck other fandom specific stuff that was one that hella cringe post from 2011 til 2015 random tumblr. that relic is as old as time itself. just as this mysterious roaring pikachu is for someone whose too loyal to leave this W E B B E D H E L L S I T E that’s just as much of a train wreck as she is. lmao.

#life #about me #shut up ilona #tumblr is legit my fucking life now #motivate me to deactivate this blog to leave the hellsite forever 2021 #trigger warning: suicide mention #tw: suicide mention

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tirednotflirting · 3 years

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i could do without a tan on my left hand where my fourth finger meets my knuckle

hello again i was here approx ten min ago and now i am back. kinda. also jesus that title looks LONG wow

this is not new! this was posted to ao3 a touch under a month ago for my darling @clumsyclifford‘s birthday and i’m just a dummy and never posted it to tumblr. so here i am sdlkfjsdl

i got very VERY emo over my love for bella in the a/n on ao3 so you can read my love letter there hehe. bella, babes, i love you so crazy much and i feel so lucky to know you and to call you a friend. thank you for teaching me how to love the things i create and encourage me to really actually grow as a writer. it’s been a lot of fun and a great deal of the confidence i have in myself now is thanks to the early support i got from people like yourself. hope you have a happy wednesday filled with many cups of tea <3

here this is on ao3 if that’s more ur jam

Love is a mug of tea.

2020, Maryland

Alex loves his kitchen.

He loves the big island right in the center of it and the windows over the sink facing out toward the barn. He loves the random assortment of tea towels his mom gave him when he first moved out, and how they’ve traveled with him to each new home over the years. He loves the fridge with lots of space for pictures of friends and family that greet him each time he walks into the room.

The sun is just rising over the top of the barn. He’s been awake for a little over an hour now. Starting his days in the barn is something he’s grown to love, the early mornings for feeding and greeting his animal friends being the only way he can manage being up before the sun. Once he made it back to the house, he quickly showered before throwing his pajamas back on. There was nowhere else they needed to be today so he figured it appropriate.

He fills and sets his kettle to boil in the corner. The clock on the microwave tells Alex it’s 7AM and he hears the familiar click of the coffee machine starting up. (He had been particularly proud of himself when he figured out how to use that setting.) Alex grabs a couple mugs and drops a tea bag into the one he’s claimed for himself for the morning just as the kettle clicks off. He pours water into the mug and hops up onto the island to wait for the tea to steep.

Alex is scrolling down his Twitter feed a couple minutes later when he hears human footsteps followed by the tapping of the dogs’ nails against the tile. He locks his phone and sets it beside him just in time for Jack to step between Alex’s legs and wrap his arms around his waist. Alex laughs quietly as Jack drops his head to rest against his chest. “Good morning, my love,” Alex greets him in a scratchy voice and runs his fingers through Jack’s bedhead.

Jack hums at the feeling and leans his head back against Alex’s hand. “Hello,” he replies. He sighs and moves to stand straight before leaning in to press a quick kiss to Alex’s lips. Jack smiles lazily and turns to the counter where the coffee machine sits. “Sleep well?”

“Well enough. Was up later than I wanted to be on that call with Mark trying to figure out the plan for next week.”

“You two are always chatty,” Jack says with a smile in his voice while he stirs sugar and milk into his mug. “What time is our flight out tomorrow again?”

Alex slides off the counter to the floor and takes the spot beside Jack, taking the milk carton from him when it’s offered to add to his tea. “Not until the evening. We can probably sleep in a bit, if you want to.”

“I like the way you think,” Jack responds, accepting the milk again when Alex holds it in his direction. He wraps an arm around Alex’s middle to pull him back against chest and presses his lips to Alex’s temple before stepping away to the fridge. Alex feels something pull at the leg of his pajama pants and when he looks down, both of the dogs sit at his feet. He laughs and abandons his mug on the counter to head out of the kitchen towards the back door. Tiny paws click against the wood floor behind him. They race out the door when he finally gets it open.

When he returns to the kitchen, a gentle smile pulls at his lips and he leans against the doorframe for a moment to admire the view. Jack sits in his regular seat at the kitchen island. He’s put his glasses on sometime in the last minute or so since Alex left the room. One hand holds the handle of his coffee mug while the other holds open a novel his mom had sent home with him after he visited her earlier in the week. The sunrise shines through the window over the sink, painting the room in yellow-orange light. It’s a view Alex knows he’s never going to get tired of.

He loves mornings with Jack. When they’re spending their time like this, with their shared early morning routines or deciding who will do what chores around the house that day, it’s easy to imagine spending the rest of his life like this. He can see them, years from now, hosting holiday parties on the farm or arguing over why they should or shouldn’t watch National Treasure 2 for the twelfth time that month, and it takes everything in him not to race back upstairs to grab the ring box he’s got hiding in the back of his closet.

Alex loves his kitchen. Though, as he watches Jack smile down at his novel before pausing to sip from his mug, Alex realizes that the thought of sharing the space with the person he loves has made him love it infinitely more.

“Hey, Jack?”

Jack hums in acknowledgement without looking up from his book.

“Do you want to move in?”

Jack looks up to meet his gaze from across the counter. His brows raise in what is probably surprise and a tiny smile forms across his lips. “Sure.”

“Really?”

Jack folds the corner of the page he’s on before closing it shut. “What? Did you think I’d say no?”

Alex shakes his head with a laugh. “No, I just wasn’t really sure what else to say,” he explains. “I’m just, I don’t know, excited? This is gonna be fun.”

Alex shuffles around the counter into Jack’s open arms that settle around his waist. “It is,” Jack agrees. “Though, I will say, if I’m going to help around the farm more, we’re gonna have to give Milk a talk.”

Alex rolls his eyes and lifts his arms to rest on Jack’s shoulders. “I already told you, the goat is not flirting with you. He bites everyone’s ass.”

“Your goat is trying to steal me away from you.”

“I’ll keep an eye on him.”

“Thank you.” Jack says, sincerely. A moment later, he cracks and laughs as he tugs Alex in closer. He presses another kiss against his lips. “You realize our mothers are going to start their wedding planning thing again once we tell them about this though, right?”

“Maybe I’ll join them for their brunches this time around,” Alex suggests and lets his forehead rest against Jack’s.

“Sure. Just make sure they’ve got next June blocked off since we’ll be on tour,” Jack replies jokingly before squeezing Alex’s waist to move him aside so he can stand to get more coffee. Alex steals his seat and watches him go through the motions of making his second mug. Without asking, Jack sets the kettle to boil again and pulls the box of Alex’s tea out of the cupboard. The sun has risen more and casts a golden glow on Jack through the window while he rinses his mug. Jack’s always looked his best in the morning, Alex thinks. He considers pulling his phone out to snap a picture, but then he remembers that this exact image isn’t going to be one that’s limited by whatever things might be keeping them stuck in their own homes on opposite sides of the country. That home isn’t going to be a plural for them anymore.

He thinks back to the ring box. Maybe it’s going to need a better hiding spot now.

Jack turns back to Alex, a puzzled look on his face, likely in response to Alex’s lack of a response to his question. “Don’t worry, I’ll make sure they know.”

“Good,” Jack says with a wink. He reaches across the counter for his book. “Gonna go finish this chapter on the porch. Care to join?”

Alex smiles. “Let me make my tea first, I’ll be out in a few.”

Jack nods. “Good plan. Love you.”

“Love you, too.”

Jack presses a kiss to his hair when he passes him, and Alex watches him head for the front door from his spot at the island. Even more sunshine greets Jack as he opens the door, the windchime out front twinkling a good morning.

It’s going to be a good day.

Love is hotel sheets and a cup of coffee.

2018, New York, New York

The first time Jack wakes up it’s because he feels a dip in the mattress behind him and a warm arm wrapping back around his middle.

Without opening his eyes, he smiles at the feeling of Alex’s lips pressing against the back of his neck. “Flight was canceled because of the storm,” Alex explains, his voice scratchy with sleep. They were meant to have an early flight off to the next city but it’s an off day anyway so the delay in travel shouldn’t really matter. “We’re booked for another one at like, ten tonight or something.”

He turns in Alex’s arms and lets his eyes flutter open. It’s still really early and the curtains are pulled shut, leaving the room dark like the middle of the night. It takes a moment for his eyes to adjust before he can really make out any of his boy’s features. Alex settles onto his back and pulls Jack halfway onto his chest. Jack lifts a hand to hold Alex’s cheek, his thumb brushing along the darker circles below his eyes. They’re only a few days away from a break for a couple weeks, and the little sleep he knows Alex has been allowing himself is starting to show. Jack is looking forward to getting them both back to his place to just sleep for a day or five.

“Sounds like the weather in New York wants you to sleep for a few more hours with your handsome boyfriend, then.”

Jack feels Alex laugh from where his cheek rests against his chest. “The storm knows you're handsome?”

“Of course,” Jack sighs. “It’s a universally known fact.”

“Guess we have to keep sleeping.”

“We do, yes,” Jack agrees. He lifts himself up for a moment to press a kiss to Alex’s jaw, smiling at the feeling of his lashes brushing against Alex’s stubbly cheek. Jack cuddles back against his chest and lets his eyes fall shut as their legs tangle below the sheets. He’s asleep again a moment later.

The next time Jack wakes up, the room is still mostly dark but he’s alone.

A thin stream of light shining through a spot in the curtains and the smell of coffee somewhere in the room tells him that enough time has passed that it’s likely a normal morning hour now. It also tells him that Alex is awake somewhere. Jack sits up slowly in bed and looks around the room, expecting to find Alex sitting in the chair in the corner scrolling through Twitter on his phone or writing at the desk. He frowns when he finds the room empty of his boyfriend until then he hears a sneeze on the other side of the curtain. Laughing quietly to himself, Jack rubs the sleep from his eyes. He turns to get out of the bed and, after spotting the pot of coffee, pours himself a mug.

Growing up, Jack has always hated staying in hotels. The rooms were always too cold, the air conditioner too noisy, the pillows just a bit too fluffy. He often found himself jealous of kids who found hotel rooms to be like a magic place to be because he was always miserable until he could crawl back into his own bed back home.

It was better once they started traveling for band stuff. He started bringing his own pillow (the firmness and familiar scent both providing a sense of comfort). And if he ever forgot it on the bus, Alex's chest was a decent substitute. A bed would never feel cold with Alex the Human Furnace pressed against his back below the sheets. The sound of the air conditioning was easily drowned out when he had the gentle, steady puffs of Alex’s breath against his neck to count instead of sheep.

He crosses the room, pausing for a moment to grab a hoodie and his new book from his carry-on, and pulls away the curtain to step out onto the balcony. Alex turns up from his journal and smiles up at him. He’s still in pajama pants and a long sleeve he likely pulled from Jack’s bag. “Good morning, love.”

Jack leans down to press a kiss to the top of Alex’s head before moving to lean against the railing. “Is it still morning?”

“Well, no,” Alex laughs. “But we’re on tour, so it can be morning if we want it to be.”

Jack looks down onto the street, to all of the tiny people moving from place to place. Everyone in New York always moves quickly, Jack thinks. With purpose. He admires that. “Well, good morning to you too,” he replies. “Why are we out of bed if we don’t have to be in an airport for several more hours?”

“I wanted to watch the city,” Alex explains. He lifts his mug to take another sip before continuing. “We move so fast these days. I miss getting to explore.”

“Hard to explore from this balcony.”

“Rian found some restaurant a few blocks away he wants to do an early dinner at,” Alex says, with a wave of his hand. “We can explore then. We’re resting right now.”

“City does still look pretty from here,” Jack observes. Autumn looks nice on New York, he thinks. The winters are too cold and the summers are too hot. Mid-October, when it’s cool but not cold, when the trees are all a rainbow of oranges and reds, that’s his favorite time to be in the city. From where they sit right now, with the sun shining down to warm them and a cool breeze blowing around the steam rising from his mug, it’s easy to say this might be his favorite morning in the city to date.

“Exactly,” Alex smiles while he watches Jack look out over the railing at the buildings and sky.

“What are you working on?” Jack asks. He takes the seat beside Alex and props his feet up on the chair opposite him.

“Feels like lyrics but I might just be journaling,” Alex replies. “I can’t really tell.”

“What are you writing about?”

“You,” Alex responds without hesitation. A decade ago, if Jack had asked that question, Alex likely would have looked up at him with a blush painted across his cheeks and quickly shut the book closed before saying nothing, just songwriter stuff. They’ve come a long way since then.

“Gonna be our next big hit?” Jack jokes.

“Oh, absolutely,” Alex says with a wink. Alex reaches for Jack’s hand after he sets his mug back down and lifts it to press a kiss against his knuckles. He holds onto Jack’s fingers for a moment longer as he takes a deep breath, the early afternoon sun shining on his face, before he lets go to pick up his pen again.

Jack loves touring. He wants them to keep touring until they’re old and gray and even Zack struggles to run and jump across the stage. He loves traveling and finding new undiscovered corners of the world. He loves how it always feels fresh and new in every place they land. He loves not knowing exactly what’s going to come next.

He spent a long time wondering if he should want to settle down. To find a place to really build a more permanent life for himself at some point. But then he looks across the table at Alex and watches the way he bites at the end of his pen. He watches his eyes light up in joy before the pen falls back to the paper in his journal, the lyrics or story or notes about something scratching their way into the page. Alex reaches again for his mug and pauses his scribbling to take a sip. His eyes meet Jack's gaze and he smiles in his direction before returning to the task at hand.

Maybe settling down doesn’t have to be a place. It can be sharing a bed with the same person even if that bed is a new one each night. It can be a pair of dark brown eyes that for the last 20 years can always find his own, even in the most crowded rooms.

Hotel day or not, Jack knows he can’t spend the whole day throwing heart eyes across the table while Alex works. Over the years, Jack has noticed that Alex is always too nice to ask for alone time while he writes despite everyone knowing he likes it sometimes. He takes the last sip of his coffee and moves to stand.

“Gonna go bug Zack while he works out for awhile,” Jack says, pushing the sliding glass door open. “I’ll come find you in a few hours.”

“I’m sure he’ll appreciate that,” Alex laughs, his eyes squinting up at Jack against the sunlight. “Have fun.”

Jack blows him a kiss before stepping back inside. He digs his slides out of his bag and grabs a key card before wandering out of the room and in the direction of the elevators.

On his trip down to the ground floor, he starts thinking about it again, what settling down would look like for him. He's starting to realize that the struggle there is that he can’t picture a settled future for himself because the only future he sees is about a them rather than a him. No matter where they go, Alex is and always has been home.

And maybe, Jack thinks, it’s as simple as that.

Love is a sweater and sky full of stars.

2012, Middle of Nowhere, Southwest USA

The first time Alex steals a hoodie from Jack is February during their sophomore year of high school. Jack’s parents were out of town visiting his sister so they ended up at his place after band practice. They nicked a couple of beers from the fridge in the garage and spent fifteen minutes debating if they had reorganized the remaining bottles in a way that made it less obvious there might be a couple missing.

It was another fifteen or so minutes of drinking and complaining about algebra exams before Alex shivered in the deck chair he had claimed. Alex never said a word, but Jack must have noticed the goosebumps on his bare arms and wordlessly got up to go inside. A couple minutes later, the confused look on Alex’s face was answered with a navy blue hoodie thrown in his face.

He laughed and thanked Jack before he pulled it over his head. It was soft and warm from being inside. When he pulled the hood up over his hair, he was met with the scent of lavender laundry detergent and the body spray Jack had taken a liking to that winter. Alex would never admit to how he started hating the smell of it a little less when Jack started wearing it.

Alex pulled the sleeves over his hands and shoved them into the hoodie pocket. When he looked back up across the metal patio table, a small smile pulled at Jack’s lips. Alex wasn’t given the time to ask what the look had been for before Jack launched into another story about something that had happened in his chemistry lab earlier that week.

(It’s not until they’re on tour the summer after they graduate that Alex really understands what the look was for. He doesn’t really get it until Jack is kissing him against the bunks, his hands sliding underneath a sweatshirt Alex had pulled from Jack’s suitcase. Though it’s impossible for the meaning to be more obvious when You look cute in my clothes is whispered between their lips. Alex only laughs in response and trips over his own feet dragging Jack towards the back lounge.)

Nearly ten years since that night at Jack’s parents’ place, Alex still finds himself thankful that Jack’s sweaters fit loosely on him and smell like the mixture of fragrances that make up his boy. It’s still the same laundry detergent his mom used in the early 2000s, but the cologne Jack wears now is much nicer than the stuff he used to douse himself in every morning before school. He’s pretty sure it’s the one that Rian bought Jack for Christmas last year. Alex will have to ask him in the morning.

The A/C kicks on above where he sits on the tour bus couch, and Alex pulls the sleeves of the sweatshirt he’d stolen out of Jack’s bunk over his hands. He’s having a tea, one of those calming, nighttime ones, in a desperate attempt to settle his mind so he can get some sleep before they’re parked at a new venue in a new city in the morning. The show earlier that night had felt electric, Alex had been more in tune with this crowd than he had in a while. It was a glorious feeling to walk off stage with, but it also meant that the buzz was still tingling a bit just below his skin hours later.

Tea and his journal were his typical go-to choices to relax on a night like this, but unfortunately, his normal methods were failing him. He takes a deep breath, wondering for a moment if he should try out some of those meditation techniques Zack had taught him, and then he feels the bus come to a stop.

He pulls aside one of the curtains to check out where they’re at. Some kind of gas station, it appears. No obvious signs of that much civilization around it, very typical middle of nowhere Arizona (or maybe New Mexico?). He watches their bus driver wander out in front of the bus and shake hands with one of the guys driving the bus some of the other crew are on. Everyone is just stretching their legs, it looks like.

He reaches for his mug to take another sip and frowns down at the ceramic when he realizes it’s empty. Alex considers digging the box of tea out of the crowded kitchen storage for a moment before glancing toward the front of the bus. With a nod to himself, he leaves the mug in the sink and heads up for the door.

They’re in basically the desert and it’s the middle of the night in November, so Alex really has no reason to be surprised by the chill in the air he’s greeted with after stepping out into the lot. He pulls his sleeves back over his palms and walks out further into the lot. Alex hears someone call his name. Across the lot he sees their driver waving. “We’re leaving in thirty. Be back on the bus by then.”

“Got it,” he yells back. And then it’s silent.

That’s always been one of the best things about traveling at night like this. He finds it exciting to really truly be in the middle of nowhere, where he can step out of the bus into stillness, the only sounds being the tiny chirping of bugs or tree branches blowing in the wind. That’s not even his favorite part though. He tips his face up toward the night sky and squeezes his eyes shut to get them more accustomed to the darkness.

No, his favorite part is the stars.

Alex is endlessly grateful for the opportunities they’ve had the last few years to live and work in big, important cities, but he misses the skies he got to call his own out in the suburbs of Baltimore. The light pollution in LA is so bad he can’t see a single star. After about a month out there, he sadly resigned himself to looking up into the sky for the blinking lights of airplanes and just playing pretend.

There’s no need for that out here. The sky above his head here is filled with glittery lights millions of miles away, with giant stars so big he can’t really comprehend their size. It makes him feel kind of small. Alex likes that feeling sometimes. Puts things into perspective, he thinks.

He’s too busy gazing up above his head, trying to find constellations and planets he knows should be visible at this time in the year, that he doesn’t notice the footsteps approaching from behind him. A pair of arms wrap around his waist and he jumps only for a moment before he looks down and recognizes the hands folded over his middle. Jack drops his head to rest on Alex’s shoulder. “Why the fuck are you still awake?” Jack mumbles sleepily against Alex’s neck.

Alex leans back into his chest. “I couldn’t sleep and I felt us stop,” he explains. “I came out to say hello to my friends.”

“You mean the stars?” Jack asks.

“The planets, too. Oh, and the moon.”

“You’ve got quite the posse,” Jack laughs, his lips pressing against the tattoo behind Alex’s ear. “Can I join you?”

“Always,” Alex smiles.

They take a seat on the hard ground and start recapping their day quietly to each other as they face up toward the sky. Despite both of them knowing Alex runs warmer between the two of them, Alex doesn’t say a word when Jack drops an arm around his waist to pull him in closer to his side. Jack starts recounting a dream he was having before he woke up and draws patterns with his fingertip against Alex’s knee. Eventually they grow quiet for a few moments. Before the silence can settle around them too heavily, Jack starts calling out the names of different constellations he can see.

The universe works in funny ways, Alex has always thought. It can spin together new galaxies and expand on and on forever and build up a bright and brilliant sky like the one they’re looking up at right now. But it also made Jack choose to sit at Alex’s lunch table back in the eighth grade and shoved all four of them together on this wild journey and let Jack and Alex fall in love. It’s crazy to Alex that something capable of making and doing such big things would focus any energy on a couple of suburban boys sitting in a parking lot in the middle of nowhere on a punk band tour.

And suddenly, as Alex sits pressed against Jack, watching the person he loves most in the world gaze up at the clear night sky in wonder, his free hand pointing up at all of the constellations Alex had taught him over the years, words start circling around his head. Bits and pieces of lyrics about love and galaxies forming, warm sweaters and cool nights. He blinks away all the words though to let his vision clear. He can write the song another day. Right now, he’d rather focus on the smile pulling across Jack’s cheeks and the way he squeezes Alex’s hand every time he remembers the name of another star in the Little Dipper.

“Alex, was that right?” Jack asks and pulls Alex out of the love drunk headspace he’d been caught up in.

“I love you,” he sighs in response, his mind not able to process any other words. Alex lifts his hand from his lap to cup around Jack’s neck to bring their lips together for a moment. When he pulls away, Alex catches the pale blush on Jack’s cheeks in the light from the parking lot.

“That doesn’t really answer my question,” Jack teases with a laugh. “But I love you, too.”

“You were distracting me so I missed whatever you said, but you were probably right. You’ve gotten pretty good at this.”

Jack flashes him a proud smile. “I have a good teacher.”

“Come on, lovebirds. We’ve got a show to get to,” a voice says down to them. Alex looks up at their driver, who laughs at their blushed cheeks before continuing on to the front of the bus.

Jack gets up first and helps Alex to his feet. Their fingers tangle together as they make a sleepy walk back to the bus. “Stay with me tonight?” Jack asks in a whisper once they’re back inside and the ground starts to rumble gently below their feet.

Alex nods and lets Jack guide them toward the bunks. He hits the light switch as he passes it. “You know, if you keep getting taller, one day it’s going to be physically impossible to fit both of us in there.”

“I like a challenge,” Jack whispers back in the dark before dropping into the bunk. Alex follows after and tucks himself into Jack’s side, his head falling to rest in its typical spot on his chest. Alex knows he’ll get too warm in the night and should probably lose the sweatshirt, but the extra layer of Jack relaxes him better than any cup of tea could ever dream of.

“Thanks for stargazing with me,” Alex sighs, the lateness of the hour finally hitting him. Jack reaches down and pulls a blanket over them both.

“Always,” Jack assures him, his arm wrapping around Alex’s waist.

All night long Alex dreams of bright, clear skies full of stars and Jack holding his hand while naming them all.

Love is a thin gold band sitting in a dish beside the sink.

2032, Maryland

They had received the little blue bowl as a fifth anniversary gift from Rian after he had received a call from the two of them at 2AM tipsy and nearly crying because Alex’s wedding band had slipped off while doing the dishes. Rian had been staying at his parents’ place at the time and showed up an hour later, toolbox in hand, to help them find the ring. It’s been another five years since then but it’s still Rian’s favorite story to tell whenever he’s in town and Jack and Alex are hosting a party.

Jack had never had an issue with his ring trying to slip past his knuckle while cleaning up after dinner. But after the scare with Alex’s, he figures there’s no use in testing chance. So after turning on the hot water tap, he places the band into the dish. He sticks his hand under the water and waits for it to warm, knowing it might be a minute or two since he’s pretty sure he heard Alex running the shower a few minutes earlier after returning from the barn.

Married life isn’t what Jack expected it to be. He kind of assumed they would bicker over random tiny things in the way that his parents did. There was a part of him that thought maybe this would be the thing that made him start feeling like an actual grown up, that a ring on his left hand might be the missing piece to the puzzle of feeling like a put together adult. But nothing really changed. They had both been living on the farm during breaks from tour for a couple years by the time Alex finally asked while on a trip to the cabin. So there was no moving around and there really wasn’t a shift in any other part of their lives to work with either. It was like Rian had said during his best man speech: “I mean come on, guys, you’ve basically been married since we graduated high school.”

He had been worried he would be bad at it. Alex had always been better at sitting still than he was. It had been the original reason Jack gravitated toward Alex. No one else had ever known how to calm Jack enough to stop the constant motion in his world for a minute. Guiding words or a hand against his back from Alex had always been the one thing to ground him, whether they were on a long flight or on a stage in front of twenty thousand people. Alex was always the answer.

It doesn’t take long to finish up the dishes. They had cleaned as they went while cooking so it was just a few plates to clear away. After Alex had carried the stack of them to the sink, Jack waved him away in the direction of the living room. Reluctantly, Alex had rolled his eyes and said a quiet thank you before he refilled his wine glass from the bottle in the fridge and wandered out of the room.

Now, Jack turns off the tap and grabs the towel to dry his hands before slipping his ring back. He retrieves his own glass from the dining room and fills it with the white that Alex had picked up for them to try and steps across the hall to join him.

Alex sits curled up in his usual corner of the couch, his glasses slipping toward the end of his nose as he taps against the screen of the tablet in his lap. He scratches at his head in thought and his beanie falls to the cushion behind him. He doesn’t bother reaching for it again. As Jack takes the spot beside him, he smiles at the touch of gray in Alex’s roots that show through the faded purple he’s had for a while. Jack’s been trying to get him to embrace his graceful aging for ages, but he admires Alex’s very punk insistence on hiding the silver hairs below blues and pinks.

“What are you working on?” Jack asks. He lets his head fall to rest against Alex’s shoulder after setting his glass on the coffee table.

“Mark said the Sunday puzzle was fun this week so I’m giving it a shot,” Alex replies without looking up from the screen. “I forget ‘fun’ in his words means really fucking hard, though.”

“He’s a very smart boy,” Jack says, thoughtfully.

“The smartest.”

They sit in silence for a few more minutes while Alex tries out different options for 16 across. Eventually, he sighs and hits the button to lock the screen. He replaces the tablet with his glass of wine, and they adjust so Jack sits between Alex’s legs with his head resting against Alex’s chest. Most evenings end like this these days when they’re not out on tour. It’s Jack’s favorite part of the day. Sometimes they both sit and work through a couple chapters of whatever book they each picked up recently. Sometimes they watch a movie. But they’re always together in this room as the sunset turns to twilight, and it’s something Jack is grateful for.

The dim room lights up bright as lightning flashes outside and a low roll of thunder follows a few moments later. Jack closes his eyes and focuses on the sound of the rain hitting the porch just beyond the window. “Everybody all closed up out of the storm out there?”

“Oh, yeah,” Alex says, pausing to take a sip from his glass. “They went in without any complaint. They must have sensed it coming.”

Jack hums in agreement. Alex grabs Jack’s free hand and brings them up to rest against Jack’s chest. It’s strange, Jack thinks sometimes, how much he’s grown to love the moments of silence with Alex. Growing up, their world had been so loud and busy. He thinks maybe that’s what taught them to so easily find moments of peace with one another. Short moments in venue dressing rooms before they took the stage all around the world and the tour bus back lounge were all they really had. And the buzz of tour never really stops ringing in their ears when they’re out on the road. It’s been a good change though here, that they don’t have so much noise to fight to find moments where they can sit with only the sound of a late summer storm and their own breathing.

It’s nice, Jack thinks, that they’ve really gotten the best of both worlds in that sense. They’re settled down enough that their mothers both still find casual ways to ask about grandchildren at Sunday brunch. But they also still get to go out on the road with Rian and Zack and play loud rock shows to seas of jumping, singing fans. Jack had worried for a while about those two sides coexisting. He’s thankful they’ve managed it so well.

Outside the storm rages on, the wind changing direction and slapping more rain against the window. Every so often, storms like this still set Jack on edge, despite how he’s lived through probably hundreds of them at this point in his life. If the thunder is just a little bit too loud or the lightning too bright, sometimes he swears he can feel the wind shaking the windows. It’s in those moments that Alex will grab his hand like he’s doing now and tap his fingers back and forth against Jack’s knuckles. It’s the same thing he’s done since they were out on Warped Tour at twenty years old, weathering out storms from the bus somewhere in Florida or Chicago. Some things never really change, Jack’s learned over the years.

“We still need to get up early to stop by the farmer’s market for flowers for my parents’ anniversary and that honey your mom wanted,” Alex says as he sits up, signalling for Jack to do the same. He moves to stand and reaches a hand out to Jack. “Want to call it an early night?”

“You read my mind,” Jack says with a yawn as he accepts Alex’s hand.

They wander through the house, hitting light switches as they go and checking to make sure they locked all the doors. The walls they pass are lined with plaques from band things and family photos and art collected over the years. Jack’s always liked how much they have hanging on the walls. He likes that their home tells their story.

They part ways when they make it upstairs to their bedroom, Alex heading for the bathroom and Jack for the closet. Jack changes quickly from the t-shirt he’s been wearing all day into something a bit more soft and worn to sleep in. He wanders back across the room and leans against the doorframe, just watching Alex place his ring into a dish that matches the one downstairs in the kitchen (Rian had bought a matching set because he’s always been the smart one among them) before reaching for his face wash.

Married life isn’t what Jack expected it to be. For most of his life, given the whirlwind that it’s been since they hit the road as teenagers, Jack has never known what to expect with anything. He stopped trying to set expectations for most things a long time ago. He thinks he likes it that way though. He likes not really knowing what comes next. He knows he’ll be happy and he’ll never have to do it alone.

And, as he watches Alex examine the band on his fourth finger missing the rest of the glowy summer tan he gets from hours outside with the horses, he’s pretty sure that’s all that really matters.

#jalex #jalex fic #this is longer for me btw #like 6.5k #so not long compared to most of u dudes but i'm proud of this one lol #again i'm sorry for two back to back fic posts lol #just rlly wanted to update my masterlist #lol

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taglegend · 3 years

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Tag Fact #3 - I’ve come to realize I’ve always been a fan artist more than I thought. so here is a timeline of influences that shaped my childhood to now. from nostalgic times, to sad changes, to great loss, to strange rises to fame and phases, to stepping stones and finally a laughing place. all the things that make up your favorite fan artist Tag.

1. Rayman (bumped into this in the year of 1999) was actually the first fandom (with crossovers) I bumped into when I was 9. although the internet wasn’t available at the time it was still fun to dwell in home amusements. I remember the storylines and the OC’s I made but they’re kind of embarrassing and it’s probably a good thing there was no internet. I’ve done fanart and comic crossovers of Rayman with Calvin and Hobbs and Nights Into Dreams, spinoffs of Sonic the Hedgehog OC’s, Yoshi with Pikachu, and the Pokemon/Digimon craze with OC’s and other Nintendo comic shorts. but the drawings and comics are long gone and disappeared in the garage in a backpack due to suspecting my sister’s dad accidentally throwing them away. years later towards the year 2018 (now 28), we decided to move to North Carolina and it was my chance to find them again. unfortunately the backpack was gone just like I suspected (my main stuff), but for some reason I found my Pokemon/Digimon fanart, a good batch of Super Mario drawings (vaguely remember doing these), my sister’s drawings and some other neighborhood kids’ drawings in a dirty box. I was partially happy I found something at least but it was the backpack I wanted the most. sometimes I regret not looking for the backpack (’cause I was too busy being a kid) but it’s alright, noone needs to see that shit anyway, ha ha. anyways, I recall being a fan of Rayman from 1999 ‘til 2002.

2. Sonic Adventure 2 Battle (bumped into this in the year of 2003) my second fandom I bumped into when I was 12 going on 13. at the time, my sister and I both liked the Sonic The Hedgehog Franchise based on the Battle remake and ended up making our own secret fanart club that consisted of only us two members. she liked Sonic (and that was her boyfriend, ha ha) and I liked Knuckles (and he was my boyfriend, ha ha) and we were crazy in love about Shadow’s backstory. we listened to the game’s soundtracks as we drew fanart and comics after school and man, those were good times. however, as we grew older towards the year of 2005, we ended up having separate rooms and I believe it played a part in disconnecting on the same interest. then one day, I asked her why she wasn’t into Sonic anymore and she replied, “Because I grew up.” I was sad after that and slowly observed that she was influenced by the emo culture and the new friends she’s made. I was the only member of our little club for a little longer...but eventually I moved on too. I still have some surviving fanart we did together but it doesn’t mean shit anymore since she turned out to be an abusive mother from the last I’ve heard of her.

3. Gorillaz (bumped into this in the year of 2006). as the Sonic years were at its end, I first heard the song “Feel Good Inc” on Music Choice and seeing the first image of them as displayed on this post (except the fan-made background doesn’t count since I can’t find the original artwork). this was my third fandom and later had proper access to the internet to the website I still currently use called DeviantArt. at first I liked 2D but eventually fell for Murdoc and developed a spiritual connection towards the character as obviously seen in my old fanart and rare photos of my devotion shrines on Valentine’s Day and his birthday every year. for the longest time since being a permanent fan from 2006-2017 (11 1/2 years) I had no knowledge that it was a political propaganda band and other realizations I don’t want to talk about. I only followed them because it was a cartoon and not the bullshit behind the musical project. the world I’ve built and support for them for all those 11 1/2 years shattered the fuck out of me and I just wanted to be left alone to find myself again, somehow. activity stopped on all my profiles, the flow of fanart stopped since I now cringe from the fan service and felt I was used for my talent. I didn’t want to be reminded of it all so I took down all my Gorillaz fanart and archived them for old followers’ nostalgia but also in the hopes they’ll be forgotten in my timeline. I ceased to exist in the fandom for huge personal reasons but it’s best to not say why. I know for sure that the fandom wonders what happened but it’s none of their business. THE END.

4. Waluigi (although I knew he’s been around since 2000 during childhood, I took deep interest once I revisited the character again in the year of December 2013). as silly as this sounds, when I revisited him again, the character was so bizarre that I ended up staying up 3 nights and 3 days in a row just looking all over the internet on everything about him and the questionable “hush-hush” absence of a backstory. despite there being no backstory he slowly gained a cult following and in many ways it’s a good thing. however, since the early 2010′s tension has been building up between Nintendo and its fans about him starring in a main game but everyone hasn’t fully gotten it in their heads that it’s not gonna happen. as long as Nintendo is in control of that, the fandom will not win, I’m sorry to say. on the other hand, if it’s going to be this way, then that’s what fanart and comic projects are for. as for me, I am doing my very best to get my comic project “Waluigi Land” going. again, I apologize if it’s taking very long to get Chapter 2 going if you’ve been keeping track but aha moments need to develop before I start permanent drawing (since concepts, character design and storyline needed improvement badly). as of right now I am still a Waluigi fan and I will not quit on him.

5. Turbo from Wreck-It-Ralph (although it debuted in 2012, I watched the movie two years later into the year 2014). for some bizarro reason, I had an unhealthy obsession with this character to the point where I dressed up as him for Halloween 2014. only 2 fanarts of him and the Turbo Twins exist on my profiles, mainly because my mind was more focused on just ‘thinking about him’ or ‘being him’ rather than drawing physical drawings. luckily, this supposed alleged fandom didn’t last long a little after Halloween so I chalk it up as a very short phase. to this day I don’t know what has gotten over me about him. the only thing I can think of now is that I think it’s because the character had yellow eyes and teeth but I don’t know. now that I think of it, that little fucker was ugly as hell and I STILL don’t know what had gotten over me. one day, my brother mentioned what that was about, and I said to him, “I don’t wanna talk about it.”

6. Undertale (although it debuted in 2015, I later took interest in it in 2016). It was all about Sans and Papyrus. I couldn’t get enough of the skeleton bros. eventually Toriel and Mettaton EX became my favorites but it took a long time to draw more of all 4 of them because I had other important things to do in my life plus I was still waiting for the next Gorillaz album to revive my imaginative juices (or so I thought). I really want to have this as one of my frequent fandoms but I just don’t have time for it anymore. it’s still in the back of my head to want to draw them but at this point I still have other better interests to be in. and besides, I’m lazy just like Sans.

7. Cuphead (June 28th, 2017 was the official day I called quits on the British-based band Gorillaz due to the bullshit behind it. since that date I was lost, had no inspiration to look forward to and no cartoon guy to make me smile...but lo and behold of the same year, I took an interest in playing the game Cuphead and man...that shit was a frightening exaggerated metaphor for being on that one drug (forgot the name though) and having sex at the same time but man that was the best fun I’ve had in years. I mean, it’s like, enemies are just so happy to murder you and that scared the shit outta me. and the facial exaggeration?....I think I should stop, ha ha. anyways, the Moldenhauers saved my ass from spiraling down, they have no clue. anyways, eventually I became a permanent fan of their work so to ease the hurt and erase my past from the G-fandom I had to re-wire my brain into a different cartoon category that’s a rather more American, so anything Toon related like Roger Rabbit, Felix the Cat or another favorite that’s a western-based cartoon makes me feel better, especially my new man .......King Dice <3 <3<3<3. however, there was something about this new fandom category I still didn’t quite understand until the date March 14th, 2020. I finally understood what it was but I feel I shouldn’t bring it up. anyways, Cuphead and anything western or rubber hose is my last stop in inspiration for the remaining years of my life. many say never say never but I believe I’ve found my laughing place and that’s all that matters.

#tag facts #influences from cartoons #likes and dislikes #thoughts i have about characters #toons #rayman #sonic the hedgehog #gorillaz #waluigi #turbo #wreck it ralph #undertale #cuphead

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macorni · 3 years

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Talk To Me

Ship: Moceit

Date I wrote this: 12/10/20 (December 10th, 2020.)

Mini-Fic TW: Arguing, crying, self-harm in a way, unhealthy coping, and swearing. Just Janus Angst. janus angst

Word Count: 2023

Janus felt as if the world was ending, his best and only friend broke up with him (meaning they're no longer friends) after a misuse of words during an argument, Janus covered his mouth and laid on his bed to soften any cries and to be at least comfortable The argument was silly and useless, Janus recently gotten back from another discussion with the Light Sides and Remus was there waiting for him, "You might as well be another Virgil." Remus told him, Janus raised a brow, "What is that supposed to mean?" Remus rolled his eyes, "It means you're going to friend them and leave me alone, even if you say you're not leaving, as Virgil once said, 'I will not leave.' But we all now know that was a lie. So, are you gonna leave as well?" Janus was taken back by that statement.

"What? That is prosperous! No I will not." Janus gritted through his teeth, he hated to be compared to that emo. He felt a bit of himself die when Remus said, "You're a liar, how am I supposed to know, Deceit?" Now, Remus knows Janus's name, so it hurt to be called 'Deceit' when he's not Deceit, he is Janus. He didn't want to be only seen as Deceit, just how Remus didn't want to be seen as only 'Intrusive Thoughts' but he kept his mouth shut about that statement, "I don't lie all the time, you should know that, but again, you're a monster, not logical." Janus felt the words slip through his mouth. It sounded so sour and harsh but in such a careless tone. It sounded like nothing at all. Remus's breath fastened, and Janus slapped his hand over his mouth afterwards, it was a very loud silence, "Remus, I- Uh- I-" Janus stuttered but Remus interrupted, "No no, if that's how you feel then so be it." Remus snapped, going to his brother, leaving Janus alone.

That leaves Janus here, in present, sobbing on his bed. He didn't mean any harm but he speaks too fast, and words cloud his mind like air pollution and the words fall out like a waterfall. He shouldn't be crying, he didn't get hurt, Remus did. This was so fucking selfish and stupid. He gasped for breath but it seemed as if his lungs gave up on him, eyes watering and burning. He can't lose his one and only best friend, no, not again. He can't lose anyone else- first "O"(Orange Side who left to god who knows where when they were teens), then Virgil, and now Remus? Not to mention Roman will definitely tell everyone else and everyone will hate him more.

Janus shuttered at the thought. He can't handle emotions well, he tries to hide the bad ones, but he rarely laughs at anything at all anymore. He watched an 15 minute vine compilation and laughed- more of a soft huff- three times. Janus has breakdowns pretty often but he doesn't tell anymore or wants anyone to know, so when he does, he takes the anger and confusion out on himself, example being: He hits him, sometimes the head, or stomach, or the legs. He holds his breath until he is about to pass out. He scratches at the covered scales. He also rips up old photos, to the point where he makes 2x copies of the same picture because he will rip it eventually.

He decided to head to the library in the mindscape, or the light mindscape. The dark sides don't have much, which includes a library which Janus hates. He waited until he was presentable, tidied up his outfit, and then started to venture to the library. He'll definitely see Logan. Janus walked into the library and sure enough, blue boy was there reading a book about philosophy during the Ancient times and up to the 1980's. Estimated 500 pages from the looks of the thick dark green book with golden text on it saying, "Philosophy Throughout The Ancients to 1980's." with a smaller text with the author.

Janus disregarded the man, Logan and him we're on neutral terms, though Logan found it frustrating when Janus would deceive the others as him, and Janus found it frustrating when Logan would constantly lie about how he felt. Logan noticed the yellow side wandering by him, "Salutations, Janus." Logan greeted and Janus gave him an awkward wave, "Hi." Janus walked to a Psychology area and grabbed the books labeled, "Understanding Emotions." "Opening up." "Life Advice." and "How to deal and help with mental illnesses." Janus sat down at a small table, 3 tables away from Logan, and began to read the first book, "Understanding Emotions."

Janus read for about an hour before Roman and Patton entered to hangout with Logan. Roman's face twisted in disappointment when he saw Janus sitting down, Patton smiled, he didn't mind the snake after the previous Sanders Sides episode, not counting the Asides. "Salutations, Roman and Patton." Logan told the two, waving. "Hi Logan!" Patton smiled widely and Roman responded with a simple yo. The 3 we're relatively loud but Janus liked some noise then none. Silence was sometimes so violent, it drove Janus insane, being left alone in your thoughts. Patton decided to talk to Janus, and made his way to the other side, sitting down across from him.

"Hi Janus!" Patton smiled, "Hello Patton, do you need anything?" Janus asked, not many people willingly talked to him. Most hated him, including himself. "Nah, I just wanted to chat. We never chat outside of discussions, I want to know you better." Patton explained, Janus was taken back from his kindness, even if he didn't sense it, he convinced himself it was a lie, "Oh okay, I'm not very interesting, just a fair warning." Janus smirked, Patton giggled a little, "Everyone has some sort of interesting piece of them." Janus shrugged, "I'm kind of ordinary. Besides appearance wise." Janus continued to read, "Whatcha reading?" Patton tried to read it upside down, and failed miserably, "A book about understanding emotions better." Janus told him, "Ooooh! Neat!" Patton moved next to him, leaning over and reading along.

"You should read funner books." Patton suggested, which triggered Logan's grammar sense, "Patton, 'Funner' is not a word, it is pronounced 'More fun.'" Logan said loud enough for him to hear, which caused Janus to chuckle, "Sorryyy!" Patton said fast, "I would but I don't feel like it has a educational benefit for the next crisis." Janus said honestly, "For someone who was people to self care and do what they want- if it's not dangerous- you really don't take your own advice, do you?" Patton explained, Janus paused, "W-Well that is because I don't feel as if I need it. I need to be doing my work and learning more. I gotta help Thomas, ya know." Janus found the right words to say. "You don't feel as if you need it?" Patton said, more quietly, Janus nodded. "I actually have a question, could you help me?" Patton asked, "Uh sure." Janus shrugged, looking away from the tan pages to the freckled boy, "Could you help me choose what gift I should get Remus for Christmas?" Patton whispered, not wanting Roman to hear, Janus nodded.

The two went to Patton's room, "So, Remus would most definitely hate a more colorful makeup pallet- since he does a lot of Special Effects Makeup." Janus suggested, "Ohh, thank you!" Patton smiled, writing that down. Janus got up to leave but Patton grabbed his arm which in response, Janus flinched and pulled away a bit, "Uh, yeah?" Janus asked, "Can we talk?" Patton asked, Janus sat down, nodding. "Have you actually been taking care of yourself?" Patton asked, Janus hesitated, "Uh, of course." He lied, "Janus, I saw your books. Are you okay?" Patton asked, as if he actually cared, which was way to absurd and unrealistic in Janus's mind. The words stung, does he actually want to know? Janus has so many questions, "Hey, I won't tell anyone anything, talk to me." Patton grabbed Janus's hands in a soft manner, smiling. Janus felt tears prick, "You don't really care, do you?" Janus asked, forcing the tears back down, "Pitying me?" Janus assumed. The light blue side shook his head, "No, I really do care," Patton started and Janus looked away but Patton took one of his hands and turned his face turns him and cupped his cheek in the same hand, "just talk to me, I'll listen." he finished.

Janus felt a single tear stroll down his face, nobody ever wanted to listen, he know he shouldn't but he does anyways, "Emotions confuse me. I don't know how to help them or react. Whenever something bad happens, I get obviously sad, and I began to cry too much or too little. And when I don't know what to do, I break down. I don't know how to.. stop breaking down. I always end up hurting myself or breaking some valuable. You're probably annoyed now, I'll shu-" Patton shushed him, "No no, rant to me, I like the sound, I like your voice." he smiled, lovingly, which made Janus confused on why he cared, "If you insist.. I can't talk to anymore or be my own self because I am too scared of being even less likeable, and if I open up too much it'll scare people away, make them uncomfy, or I'll be too much and they leave me. I-I just feel so lost and I do no good, even when I try. Maybe me leaving all together would help everyone, including Thomas. Having no denial or deceit may be good, but the bad of having absolutely no self preservation could do. I feel like him on auto-pilot now." Janus couldn't stop talking but Patton didn't mind.

"Sometimes, I feel like I'd be better dead. I mean, in the long run I'd be helpful if I just went awa-" Janus got cut off by a bone- crushing hug from Patton, "Just lay down, okay?" Patton suggested and Janus did, he laid down on the bed and Patton laid down too, the two facing each other. Patton wrapped his arms around Janus's waist and pulled him closer, and Janus wrapped his arms around Patton's neck, Janus's head resting in the crook of the others neck. "..See, just stay like this.. You'll feel better soon."

Janus felt the tears just pour from his eyes, he sobbed onto Patton knowing he'll never feel this type of love again. Patton rubbed circles into his back, Janus was so vulnerable, anything could just hurt him right now, a shaking, sobbing mess. Patton never knew Janus held in so much, he didn't know one of the 2nd most serious side held so much pain within, he knows that Logan is going through it too. "P-P-Please don't t-tell anyone about t-this.." Janus said in between sobs, gripping onto Patton and his shirt, "I wont ever tell anyone, promise." Patton said softly. They stayed like this for at least 15 minutes, then Janus stopped crying, he was just shaking.

"We can stay like this for awhile.." Patton told him, noticing the boy still shaking, "S-Sure." Janus repositioned himself so he was laying on his right side and Patton cupped him, rubbing his chest. "Cute." Patton told him, "Uh-huh, ssssssso cute." Janus lightheartedly said and rolling his eyes in a playful manner, and hissed, Patton giggled at this hiss. Janus took off his hat and threw it onto Patton's desk chair. "Thank you ssssso much, Patton." Janus smiled.

"No problem."

- Minific by m.acorni

#janus angst #sanders sides #sanders side fic #tw crying #tw arguing #tw swearing #tw self deprecation #tw self harm #janus sanders angst #moceit #janussandersangst #sanderssides #please follow me on wattpad #my user is #lemonxde_cola

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solangelover · 4 years

Text

3 Days + 1: Day 2

@solangeloweek ‘s Solangelo Spring Ball 2020 - Collab w/ @nicostolemybones

Read on AO3 or FF.Net

Day 1 | Day 2 | Day 3 | Day 4

Will was practically dead on his feet at this point. Working for the past few days straight, not including the entire battle that came before, he could feel the exhaustion pulling at his limbs. In moments of weakness, he considered curling up under his desk and napping right there. Instead, he’d shake his head and focus on what he was doing.

People are in pain, people need healing, I need to keep going. He knew this thinking wasn’t great for his health, but it helped him do as much as he could during the many battles they’d all been through. Besides, at some point, one of his siblings would always kick him out and force him to sleep in their cabin. It usually worked out.

Now that everything was winding down, he finally had time to track the son of Hades down and forcibly help him. He knew for a fact that Nico had been a major part of defeating Gaea, which also meant that his body needed some major recovery time. Will was honestly a bit surprised that he got the boy to come in so easily, but Nico had looked overtired, so maybe he just couldn’t protest anymore. Whatever the case, seeing Nico di Angelo, scary-emo-death-boy number one, sleeping peacefully in front of him, he knew he made the right move.

It’s always annoyed Will, how everyone judged Nico just because he was the son of Hades. He remembered him in the battle at Manhattan, where Nico really saved everyone at the perfect time. Even Will, as he frantically healed as many people as possible, stopped to watch the raw power of the prince of the underworld. It was frightening to know that one boy held so much power, but it was clear that he wielded it for the good of others. Will was glad that Nico was on their side.

Will yawned wide, jaw cracking, and he looked at the clock. Only 10 PM, he could still get a little more done before the night shift took over. He glanced again at the sleeping son of Hades, reluctant to leave him there.

When Will exited the curtain, he came face-to-face with Austin. “Dude, Will, it’s time for you to leave.”

“What?” Will asked, confused. “My shift goes to 11.”

Austin just shook his head. “Nu-uh. Nope. You’re leaving the infirmary and going back to the cabin to sleep. You’re tired and you know it.” His words left no room for argument.

But Will tried anyway. “But it wouldn’t be fair to whoever’s taking over.”

“I’m taking over, and I’m saying it’s fair. You’ve been here for days, Will.” He put a strong hand on his older brother’s shoulder, comforting, but firm. “You have to rest, you know that.”

Will sighed, glancing back toward the patient behind the curtain. “Yeah… but I finally got Nico here, and I don’t think I should leave him.”

Austin chuckled at that, peering around Will. “I can’t believe you got him here. I thought he would’ve bitten your hand off if you tried to touch him.” Will shot him a tired glare, like he’d heard the kind-of-not-a-joke too many times. “Look, I, quite frankly, don’t want to be the only person here when di Angelo wakes up, so let’s compromise. You sleep in that bed there,” he pointed to the bed neighboring Nico’s, “while I work the infirmary. If he wakes up or anything, I’ll get you. Otherwise, you will sleep tonight.”

Will nodded solemnly and saluted his brother, who scoffed and shoved him toward the aforementioned bed. It’s not like Will didn’t want to sleep, gods, did he want to sleep. But he was a “workaholic” according to his siblings and usually needed someone to look out for him. He was also immensely proud of his siblings as they’d been stepping up to help a lot in the past few weeks.

Will cast one last look toward Nico’s curtain before collapsing into his bed and knocking out instantly.

Will awoke to a loud cracking sound and his whole bed shaking.

He jolted upright and confirmed, yes, his bed was shaking, along with the entire infirmary. He thought it was an earthquake before he heard a strangled scream from the bed next door.

“Will!” Austin shouted, but Will was already out of bed, leaping over the one foot-wide fissure in the ground. He turned to see Austin a few feet back from Nico’s bed, his hands out in front of him and his face frozen in fear.

“What’s—”

“I don’t know! His powers are acting up!” Right as Austin said this, Will noticed movement out of the corner of his eye. He spun around to see a hand clawing its way up the opening in the ground. He spit out a curse in ancient Greek, grabbing the closest thing to a weapon that was in reach—a mop, apparently—and brought it down on the decaying hand. The zombie flinched back, but more were on their way and, surely, they needed more than a mop to stop this.

Will shoved the mop into Austin’s hands. “Hold them off.”

He didn’t wait for his brother’s reply before he rushed to Nico’s bedside. The son of Hades was thrashing in his sleep, his face contorted in a mess of fear and pain. Will normally didn’t wake people when they had nightmares, knowing it was a normal process of the brain and especially common for demigods. But this was dangerous, something had to be done.

“Nico,” Will went for a softer tone, hoping that he could calm the boy down in his sleep. “Nico, listen to me. You’re in the infirmary. You’re safe. Please, calm down.” Will pushed as much meaning as he could into his words, threading his hands through Nico’s hair like he did earlier. Nico was sweating and his breathing was frantic still. Will began to sing a hymn to his father like he did while healing, pressing his palms to Nico’s head and cheek. Dark tendrils were leaking out between Nico’s fingers where he was clutching at the sheets desperately.

“Come on, Nico. I believe in you. I’m here for you. You’ve gotta calm down for me, okay? I’ve got you.” Will leaned over and pressed his forehead to Nico’s, pulsing his healing powers out from where they connected. “I’ve got you.”

Nico immediately stilled, his breathing ragged but slowing down. Will tentatively opened his eyes and gazed down at the son of Hades. His eyebrows were drawn together, but the panic had subsided. Will leaned back, trailing his hand down Nico’s arm to grip his hand. He looked back toward Austin, who was still wielding the mop and staring at the ground. Will looked down right when the fissure closed up, leaving only a thin crack behind.

The brothers met each other’s gaze, nodding as soldiers did at a job well done. Austin’s eyes flicked over to Nico, who was still asleep. Will rubbed his thumb across the back of the hand he was holding, staying there until the son of Hades was fully back to sleep.

Will sighed and stood up, placing Nico’s hand gently back at his side. Austin shook his head, but instead of making some snide comment about Nico’s heritage, he said, “We don’t get paid enough to clean up the gods’ shit.”

Will chuckled, knowing there was nothing really to say about that. He placed a comforting hand on Austin’s shoulder, giving it a squeeze. “Thanks, Austin.”

They continued with clean up for a little before Will was directed back to bed. All he could think about as he fell asleep once more was the pain on Nico’s face. We’ve got a lot of healing to do.

Will woke at the crack of dawn like normal, and despite the interruption, last night was the most sleep he had gotten in a while. He pushed himself out of bed, cleaned up a bit in the infirmary bathroom, and walked over to his desk, where Austin was slumped over some paperwork.

He gently shook his brother awake. “Hey, Austin. You can go back to the cabin, I can take over.” Austin grumbled as he woke up, rubbing his face.

“Ugh, Will, isn’t it someone else’s turn this morning?” He yawned wide. Really all of the healers had been going non-stop, not just Will.

“It’s fine, Austin, I slept last night. I’m still head medic, anyway.” Will chuckled as his brother rolled his eyes at him, finally standing up to leave.

Then, he suddenly looked more alert when he noticed the line across the ground. “Wait, oh shit, you remember what happened last night?”

Will frowned, but it wasn’t directed at his brother. “Yes,” he muttered as he glanced back to where Nico’s curtain was still pulled closed.

“Dude, that was crazy. I don’t think you should be here alone with him.”

“It’s fine. He was having a nightmare. We know a lot of demigods’ powers are linked with their emotions.” Will tapped his chin in thought. “I’ll talk with Nico to learn more about it today. But I’m going to sanitize this area for now. Don’t want any zombie remains in my infirmary.”

Austin shuddered. “That’s nasty. I’ll send over whoever else is on shift to come and help.” He then smirked when he met Will’s eyes. “Seemed like you had di Angelo all under control last night, though.”

Will felt his cheeks heat up. “Shut up, this is serious. I just did my job.”

“Mhmm,” Austin hummed as he strolled out of the infirmary. “Sure thing, Doctor Solace.”

Will stared after him for a minute before shaking his head and sitting at his desk. He looked over what Austin was working on, trying to focus on something else besides the brown-eyed boy behind the curtain. After some preliminary checks, Will began to pull out cleaning supplies. He crouched on the ground and ran a finger over the newly formed crack in the ground. It seemed fine. You would never know that there was a gaping hole there last night.

Ten minutes later, two of Will’s siblings stumbled into the infirmary. They greeted each other with a tired “good morning” each. Will only said that this area needed to be decontaminated. No one really needed to know the context—it was an infirmary, after all. All kinds of things happened in here.

As the others finished cleaning, Will washed up and went to check on Nico. He slipped behind the curtain, happy to see that Nico was still asleep. He was worried that Nico wouldn’t be able to sleep long after his nightmare, but he seemed fine now. Will blushed at the memory of pressing his face so close to Nico’s. At the time, Will was only thinking about how best to help Nico, but now he couldn’t help but be a little embarrassed by his actions. But it did help Nico calm down, so he wasn’t going to overthink it.

Will sat in the chair by Nico’s bed and looked over his clipboard. He frowned in thought, pondering over what he knew of Nico’s condition and how to treat everything. As he mumbled to himself, Nico stirred and slowly opened his eyes. Will looked over to see Nico rubbing his eyes and looking around, slightly disoriented from his setting. How cute, Will thought before he could stop himself.

He shook his head before clearing his throat. “Mornin’, Sunshine.” Nico turned his head toward the sound of Will’s voice, finally remembering exactly where he was. He groaned and threw his arms over his eyes in response.

Will laughed lightly and asked, “Sleep well?”

Nico groaned again before moving his arms and staring up at the ceiling. “I feel like I’m more tired.” He flexed his fingers, like he knew how tense they were throughout the night.

“Well, I have a few possible answers to that.” Nico swiveled his head, staring at Will in surprise. Will raised an eyebrow. “What? It’s my job to figure out what’s wrong, then hopefully fix the problem.”

“I guess, I just…” Nico trailed off, now looking confusedly at the ceiling. “I didn’t really think there was an explanation, I guess.”

Now, there was an interesting thought. Will hadn’t considered that Nico hadn’t considered finding a solution to his fatigue and exhaustion. Maybe the son of Hades wasn’t stubborn, he just never cared for himself properly before. Will hummed in acknowledgement as he jotted a quick note to be really clear in any future treatment instructions for Nico.

“Okay, first thing to address: you had a nightmare last night.”

“What?!” Nico burst out, sitting straight up and looking at Will with a slightly horrified expression.

Will put his hands out in front of him in a placating manner. “Don’t worry, it’s fine. Austin and I were both here, and we handled it. You’re fine.”

Nico gazed down at his hands, which were slightly shaking now. “A nightmare… you said it could explain why I’m tired.” He looked up at Will. “I used my powers last night, didn’t I?”

He caught on fast, Will thought. “Yes, you did, but—”

“What did I do? Was anyone hurt? Did I destroy anything?” Nico glanced around frantically, looking for any signs of damage or any newly filled beds.

Will wanted to reach out like he did last night and help comfort Nico, but he wasn’t sure if that was welcomed at the moment. “Nico, look at me.” He waited for them to lock eyes before continuing. “You’re fine. We’re all fine. No one got hurt, we’ve decontaminated the area for any zombie—”

“Oh gods, I summoned zombies??” Nico seemed on the verge of despair, like Will was about to kick him out for something out of his control. Will really wanted to cry for the kind of expectations Nico had about his life, but he managed to hold back.

“You tried to summon zombies. Austin and I stopped it, and you actually calmed down enough to control your powers.” Will reached out, but Nico pulled his hand back, as thought he would hurt Will. “Nico, please, I promise it’s okay.”

Will slowly reached for one of Nico’s hands, and this time, Nico let him make contact. Will pushed out his power through his fingertips to where he touched the back of Nico’s hand. Nico’s posture relaxed immediately, his eyes fluttering shut as a sigh escaped his lips. Will smiled at him when he opened his eyes again.

Nico’s lips lifted upward for a brief second before he looked down and hid his face behind his bangs. “I’m really sorry about that. My powers are… difficult, sometimes.”

Will shook his head, not that Nico saw. “Everyone’s powers get out of hand at times. You’re extremely powerful, so it’s no surprise that they’re hard to control. Honestly, you utilize your powers really well, I’m sure it’s not easy.”

Nico looked back at Will, his mouth slightly open as he was taken aback by the words of praise. Will held his gaze and tried to convey his sincerity about what he said.

Before the silence could stretch on too long, Will spoke again. “So, yes, you had a nightmare and used your powers, accidentally, last night. You were already suffering from overusing your powers, so the extra usage didn’t help.” Addressing whatever he was dreaming about that made him react so strongly would have to wait for another time.

In the pause, Nico’s stomach grumbled loudly. Nico flushed red as Will chuckled. “Which brings me to my next point: you need food. You’re malnourished, as I’m sure you weren’t concerned with proper, nutritious meals while carrying the Athena Parthenos across the ocean.” That got a snort out of the son of Hades, which Will counted as a win.

The healer got up and grabbed a plate of food his sister had brought over from the pavilion. It was standard for the morning shift to come in with food for the overnighters. Nico got his own full plate per Will’s instructions, which he only got minimal teasing for.

Will placed the food on Nico’s bedside table. Nico scowled at the food and said, “I can’t eat all that.”

“We can share,” Will said before he lost the nerve. “But you’re going to have to eat as much as you can.” He moved toward the food first so that Nico felt more comfortable. It worked as he watched the son of Hades tentatively nibble on some toast.

A little into their breakfast, Will continued with his diagnoses. “So, aside from power drain adding to your tiredness, it sounds like you also have chronic fatigue.”

Nico looked confused, so Will added, “It’s a condition where you’re often tired for long periods of time, even if you slept a decent amount. You may also experience headaches, body aches, or lack of concentration.”

Will let that sink in, watching Nico mull over it for a minute. Then, the boy spoke up and said, “That makes sense.”

That really wasn’t what Will wanted to hear. “It does?”

Nico nodded. “I think so. I mean, I’m always tired, but I usually don’t get enough sleep, so I figured it was that. I didn’t know there was a name for it or anything.” Nico looked less concerned and more thoughtful. Did he never think to diagnose his symptoms as something treatable? Ever?

Will couldn’t really wipe the genuine concern off his face, so he turned toward his clipboard to write things down. “Well, this will require a bit of a lifestyle change. Actually, probably a lot of change for you. No underworld-y stuff, mister,” Will wagged his pen at the son of Hades, who rolled his eyes. “I’ll be developing a treatment plan for you over the next couple days.

“While I’m at it,” he turned back toward Nico, who had started on the pancakes. “You probably also have chronic pain. I’m guessing your body usually hurts, at least a little?” Nico hesitated before nodding. “Yeah, chronic pain and chronic fatigue can get mixed up sometimes since both may cause symptoms of the other. But, considering everything you’ve been through, I’m guessing the normal symptoms of both conditions have been overshadowed by, ah, everything else. Not that I think you’re recovered from the entire war yet, but I have a feeling that those underlying conditions are there.” Will’s lips pulled into a thin line as he thought about what he just said. Nico had gone through so much in both wars, and probably outside of the wars, too. His body has endured a lot of strain, it’s a miracle it hadn’t snapped yet. The gods really didn’t give this kid a break, did they?

Nico sighed and rolled his shoulders back. “Sure, why not? At least I’m probably used to it by now.” The son of Hades gazed upward, like he wanted to ask the gods why, but he was tired of it by now.

Will shook his head. “No, you deserve better than that.” Nico whipped his head back toward Will, eyes wide. Why is it that painful diagnoses are fine, but care from others is out of the ordinary? “You do, Nico. I promise, I’ll do whatever I can to help take that pain away. The gods owe you a break from all… this,” Will waved his hands around at nothing, but he knew Nico understood. Will huffed out a breath, upset that he couldn’t do as much as he’d like to help.

“I didn’t know,” Nico began quietly. He peeked up through his bangs at the son of Apollo before quickly looking away again. “I probably wouldn’t have admitted to—to having chronic pain, before today. I didn’t realize it until you used your powers on me.”

Will sucked in a breath. “You—”

“I’ve never felt… nothing before that.”

Will was not going to cry for Nico’s pain right now, he was not. Instead, he held out his hand, palm up, a clear invitation. Nico eyed it for a second before slowly, hesitantly, lifting his own hand and settling it lightly in Will’s. Will closed his hand around Nico’s with barely any pressure, not wanting to crowd the son of Hades or make him uncomfortable. He smiled, holding Nico’s gaze as he pushed out some of his healing powers. It didn’t actually heal, but it soothed nerve endings to bring temporary relief, which was very useful as a medic. But right now, as he watched the son of Hades nearly melt and the sensation, Will believed the entire purpose of his power was for this boy before him, who deserved peace and freedom from pain so, so much.

After a moment, Will gently lowered their hands. Nico’s eyes fluttered open and for a second, Will saw the eyes full of peace and joy. He really wanted to see that again. Both boys had blush painting their cheeks when they pulled their hands away.

“Hey, Will, could I—”

Will sprung backwards, away from Nico, at the sound of his sister’s voice. Nico jerked back as well, nearly knocking over the plate of food near him. Will’s sister stood just behind the curtain, unaware of the panic she just caused.

“What?” Will squeaked.

“Um, I wanted your opinion on the Ares boy. Are you—” The curtain rustled where she touched it.

“Fine!” Will called. “I’ll be there, just a sec.” He glanced back at Nico, who was red in the face and decidedly not meeting Will’s eyes.

“Sorry, I’ll be right back,” Will mumbled as he shuffled out through the curtain.

When he met his sister’s eyes, she looked concerned for all of two seconds before her smile turned sly. “If you’re too busy with your patient right now, I can probably—”

“Shut up and show me the problem,” he grumbled, moving past her and grabbing the clipboard from her hands as he went. The daughter of Apollo chuckled and followed, thankfully choosing to discuss the patient’s treatment plan and not her older brother’s flaming cheeks.

When Will returned, he found Nico staring out the window of the infirmary, which really only offered a view of the sky above. His breakfast, only halfway eaten, was pushed to the side. Will smiled at Nico as he cleared the plate away and straightened up things on his supply cart. He sat back in his chair with an exhale and picked up his clipboard again. But before he could say anything, Nico asked, “Aren’t you tired?”

The question caught Will off guard. “Huh?”

Nico twisted the skull ring on his finger nervously, but elaborated, “Didn’t you say you’d been working here for days? Shouldn’t you take a break?”

Will was caught by the worried expression on the son of Hades’s face. “Um, well I slept last night, and that was honestly pretty good.”

This only deepened Nico’s frown. “But I interrupted you.”

Will shook his head. “It wasn’t your fault, Nico. And still, I got a good amount of rest. But thank you for your concern.” He smiled, hoping to convince Nico to drop the subject, but also touched that he seemed to care so much. Though the hypocrisy of his words was borderline ridiculous.

Nico clearly wasn’t convinced, but Will began talking before anything else could be said on the subject. “So, to get back to your injuries we didn’t really address yesterday, I’m going to need you to take off your shirt.”

There was a solid three seconds where both boys just sat there, until Will’s words sunk in and they were back to being a blushing mess. Will, ever the professional, cleared his throat and said, “I need to get a good look at your injuries to start healing them, and since you’re awake, I won’t have to cut your shirt off.” Will was truly digging himself a hole that he could never climb out of. He really hoped his siblings weren’t listening right now.

“I-I-um, yeah, okay.” Nico, for his part, didn’t immediately shadow travel away. So that was good. “Like, right now?”

Not trusting himself to say anything intelligent, Will simply nodded and focused on his clipboard, attempting to give Nico some semblance of privacy while he stripped his shirt off.

Will didn’t notice Nico was done until the boy quietly cleared his throat. Will looked up to see a bare-chested son of Hades with a blush that spread down his neck. Don’t stare, don’t stare, don’t stare, Will chanted to himself. But it was so hard because Nico was a warrior meaning that he had muscle on his slender body that was apparently always swallowed up by his shirt or jacket. Not only that, but he had scars littering his torso. Will almost desperately wanted to reach out and touch them. Not in a weird way (okay, it’s a bit weird), but more of a reverent, almost sad touch, like he could take away the pain that caused the scars through touch alone. As head medic, Will has learned how to deal with the scars of demigods. He’s learned not to touch or to ask, just focus on the problems he was meant to deal with. But he’d never seen any demigod Nico’s age with as many scars as he had.

Will kept his eyes pinned to Nico’s right shoulder, maneuvering around him so he could get a good look. The gash was still a faint red, like it was irritated, and possibly previously infected. “I’m going to touch you, okay?” Will warned, getting a nod in response. Will gripped Nico’s outer shoulder to steady him as he continued his inspection. The wound wrapped from the front of Nico’s shoulder over and down his upper back. The deepest part seemed to be at the very top.

“Can I ask what caused this?”

Nico nodded again and spoke quietly. “It was, um, Lycaon. Reyna, Coach Hedge, and I encountered him while we were coming back.”

Will bit his tongue as he immediately wanted to yell. This was from someone as dangerous as Lycaon?? And he hadn’t come in to get it treated?? He took a deep breath before starting, “Nico…”

“I know, I know,” he huffed. “Reyna and Coach had fixed it up, I didn’t really think about it. It was fine enough for me to fight.” He tried to shrug his shoulders, wincing slightly now that he was really aware of the injury.

Will shook his head. “I get it. Just, come in sooner next time, okay?” Will stepped back and went to grab some ointment from his supplies. “Luckily, Hedge knows satyr healing magic, so he probably prevented any major infection.”

The healer turned back with a green salve in his hands. He got to work on Nico’s shoulder, operating in a focused silence. Nico sat there and avoided breathing too deeply so he both didn’t move his shoulder and didn’t smell the weird minty-medicinal scent of the ointment. The salve felt cool on Nico’s shoulder, though it definitely stung. Nico hissed through his teeth when Will was at the deepest part. The son of Apollo mumbled out an apology, but they both knew Will had to put more there to clean out the wound better. All in all, it didn’t seem to be as painful as Will expected, though he knew Nico had an extremely high pain tolerance.

Once Will was finished, he washed his hands and grabbed a roll of bandages on his way back to the bed. “We’ll just keep that for now and check on it daily. The salve should help push out any remaining infection and soothe the irritated skin around the wound. It may or may not need stitches later, but let’s just get it wrapped up, and we can be done with it for now.” Nico lifted his arm and was pliant as Will wound the bandage up and around his shoulder.

“So, Neeks,” Will broke the silence while he worked. He saw Nico make a face out of the corner of his eye at the nickname, making Will grin. “What is your favorite color?”

Now Nico just looked confused. “Why?”

Will rolled his eyes. “Because I’m curious. It’s a basic question, Ghosty.”

“Really? These are the nicknames you came up with?”

“I’ve got more, and I will use them all until you answer my question, Death Breath.”

“Tch,” Nico turned his head, but Will could’ve sworn the boy was fighting back a smile. “Blue.”

“Really?” Will asked, surprised. They met each other’s eyes as Will tucked the end of the bandage back in. “What shade?”

Nico cocked his head, and that’s just adorable. “Not sure yet.”

That was an odd answer that Will was not going to overthink at this moment.

“Okay, Mister Mysterio. My favorite color is black.”

“Really?” Nico didn’t believe him at all.

“Okay, fine, it’s yellow,” Will grinned brightly.

Nico scoffed, “Of course it is. Typical Apollo kid.”

Will put a hand to his chest in mock offense. “Well, excuse me, we can’t all be mysterious and cool like you, Prince of the Underworld.”

That got a breathy chuckle out of Nico, which was as close to a full laugh as Will had gotten thus far, so he was over the moon.

Will glanced at the clock, then jumped up in surprise. “Oh! It’s past lunch already!” He smiled sheepishly at Nico. “Sorry, I get caught up in my work easily. I’m going to go get us some food, be right back!” He bounded right out of there without waiting for a reply, largely because when he looked back at Nico, he realized he was still shirtless and they had just been joking around in close proximity and wow, Will was really pushing his luck on not messing up a new friendship (maybe more, Will’s not ready to talk about that just yet).

When Will came back with a full plate of food for the both of them, Nico was leaning back in bed, shirt on and eyes closed. It didn’t look like he was asleep, but he was definitely dozing off.

“Nico, hey, you gotta get up and eat. No sleeping yet,” Will spoke softly, hoping not to startle the son of Hades. Nico made a disgruntled noise but dutifully sat up, moving his bandaged shoulder around as he stretched.

“Hey, don’t move your shoulder so much,” Will chided.

“It’s uncomfortable,” Nico pouted.

“It’s healing, which may be an unfamiliar feeling to you, but that’s what’s supposed to happen.” Will settled the food between them and sat on the end of Nico’s bed.

“It’s not good for fighting,” Nico commented, and Will nearly choked on his fruit.

“Yeah, you’re not meant to be battle-ready at the moment, di Angelo.” Will leveled a glare at his patient, to which Nico simply shrugged as he picked up a sandwich.

They chatted a little as they ate, both of them mostly focused on the food. After clearing the plate away, Nico settled back against the bed while Will once again grabbed his clipboard and sat in his chair.

“One last thing before I let you rest again.” Will took a deep breath before continuing. “I remember feeling a lot of darkness in you at the end of the battle. I still felt it yesterday when I did my preliminary assessment, but I’d like to get a full picture of what we’re dealing with.” Will looked to Nico for confirmation, who solemnly nodded.

Will held both of his hands out, and Nico placed his hands on top, reaching over to grip Will’s wrists. The hold was a lot firmer and less comforting than the last time they held hands. They both understood the importance of this assessment. Will shut his eyes and concentrated. It felt like Will sent out feelers from where he connected with Nico, seeking out all of the issues in Nico’s body. The healer had to push past any of the physical injuries they previously discussed, focusing only on that sensation of darkness he remembered from during the battle. He thought about Nico’s shadow-traveling abilities, the dark swirls of energy emanating from his hands last night, the stories he heard about Nico fading out of existence. He could not—would not—let something like that happen again. Not when he was around to do something about it.

Will shuddered as he encountered large amounts of darkness spread throughout Nico’s body. It was much less than a few days ago, but last night’s incident didn’t help any. It was hard to describe, but the deep, swirling shadows felt contradictory to Will’s very soul.

Will gasped as the connection suddenly broke off. He looked up to find Nico sweating and staring at him, his hands held close to his chest.

“Nico?” Will breathed. “Are you okay? Did I hurt you?”

“What? No, you—” Nico’s eyebrows drew together in worry. “You looked like you were in pain. I thought I was hurting you.”

“Oh,” Will gulped, smoothing his sweaty hands down his shorts. “No, no you didn’t hurt me. I was just… there’s a lot there. Darkness. I—I’m not sure how to deal with it.”

Nico looked sad but resigned when he lowered his gaze to his lap. “Sorry,” he whispered, almost so quiet that Will didn’t hear.

“No, hey,” Will’s hand hovered over Nico’s knee, unsure if his touch was welcome. When Nico didn’t pull away, he took it as a sign and settled his hand down in a reassuring gesture. “We’ll figure it out, Nico. You’re not at risk of fading, thank the gods. But,” he let out a frustrated puff of air. “We’ll have to figure out how to purge the rest of the darkness out so you can better use your powers without risk.”

The son of Hades tentatively looked up at Will, his brown eyes wide with worry and the barest hint of hope. “So, I didn’t… hurt you?”

It did something to his heart, that Nico so strongly cared for Will yet immediately pinned the problem on himself. “No, you didn’t. I promise, I’m fine.” He sent him his most sincere smile, to which Nico breathed a sigh of relief and untensed a little.

Will leaned back and mumbled to himself as he noted his observations on Nico’s papers. He then put it aside, feeling a bit tired from using his powers all day. He turned to Nico, who was fiddling with his skull ring and bouncing his knee nervously. “I think,” Will started, causing Nico to still his movements and face the healer, “that we’ve done enough for today. You need to rest more, I think that’s the best thing for your body right now.”

Will waited for acknowledgement before adding, “Nico, I promise that we will figure out the best way to help you fully recover. I care a lot about you—r well-being.” Nice save, Will. “I want you to be at your best. But you’re going to have to trust me, okay? I know it might be asking a lot. You probably don’t remember me from before—”

“I do.”

Will blinked. “You… you do?”

Nico nodded, avoiding eye contact. “You were a medic during the battle of Manhattan, too. Saved a lot of lives.” He turned to face Will. “I trust you. At least that much.”

The son of Apollo was stunned silent for a few seconds. He did not expect Nico di Angelo, hero of two wars now, to remember him. He might’ve teared a little, blinking and turning away so that Nico didn’t notice. “You had to add on that last part, huh?”

They shared a small laugh. “Well, all I know about you is your favorite color, Solace.” Will glanced back over his shoulder to see Nico settling back in his bed, eyes already drooping.

“We’ll have to work on that, then,” he smirked. “Good night, Neeks.”

“Night, Will.”

A/N: Now passing onto my collab partner!

#solangelo #solangelo fanfic #solangelo fanfiction #fanfic #my writing #my fic #pjo #hoo #toa #the classic 3 days #3 days #will solace #nico di angelo #solangeloweek #solangelospringball2020 #solangelo spring ball 2020 #three days in the infirmary #my collab #collab

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i-am-just-a-kiddo · 3 years

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favourite male fictional characters

Thank you @vishcount for tagging me, this was a lot of fun! 💞 I originally planned to follow your example and put ten characters here but suddenly it became a lot more oops. also i hope you forgive me for following your format, it’s neat

I am tagging @isabellaofparma , @the-cloud-whisperer and @sassyassassy!

I chose the characters that impacted me deeply on a personal level throughout my life (often shown by how long my love lasts over the years and if i was inspired to write for them).

In no specific order under the cut:

Legolas

The Lord of The Rings, J.R.R. Tolkien.

I think it’s only fitting I start off with this magnificent guy. Maybe I gotta admit, i’ve just had a crush on him ever since I was like, nine years old? He’s the character I will fight tooth and claw for (though I guess he doesn’t need me to do that). I love Orlando Bloom’s portrayal of him, eventhough he is vastly different from the books. Book Legolas is such a delight as well, he feels so whimsical and playful and his banter with Gimli is just gold. I was sad when The Hobbit trilogy came out and I was so disappointed by how they butchered his character, it just did not feel authentic anymore (maybe I am also just bitter about the forced hetero storyline for him. makes no cents, this elf is GayTM your honour. and he will meet his soulmate Gimli in a few decades). Either way, Legolas is the love of my life, thanks for coming to my tedtalk,

Peter Pan

Peter Pan, J. M. Barrie

Another childhood crush of mine. The gif I chose if from the 2005 movie because we always used to watch it and it is to this day one of my favourite movies. It’s so dreamy, so magical, yet also incredibly sad and sweet. I have this very strange fascination with Peter Pan. There is something incredibly unsettling about him, especially in the book. He represents something every child wants - who doesn’t want to escape their bedroom and fly away to experience magical adventured far from the adult world? And yet he also represents the impossibility of it, the curse he carries around with himself because he will forever stay alone, no matter how many lost boys he gathers around himself. And Wendy - it’s a love that was never meant to grow and mature, it’s a fleeting dream for the both of them. I have seen many different adaptations of Peter Pan and I have my favourites, though I want to give a special mention to the book Peter Darling by Austin Chant. It’s a retelling of the story how we know it, in which Peter returns to Neverland after having finally grown up BUT the main points I want to highlight is trans Peter? Heck yes. Gripping and compelling gay love story with our favourite original lost boy Captain Hook? YES.

Snufkin

Moomins, Tove Jansson.

I have discovered Snufkin for myself only last year, and yet I know he will stay with me forever. In short - I vibe with him, he vibes with me. His anxieties about being with people and longing for solitude? His fear of being loved and being important to someone to a point he doesn’t know what to do with himself? This man just wants to roam freely with his own mind and yet he always returns for something that captures him. Mum, I love him because I have rarely felt this seen before. Also, Snufkin said ACAB.

Prince Jing - Xiao Jingyan

Nirvana in Fire (2015)

This too is a darling I have only discovered recently. I watched Nirvana in Fire this year and let me tell you, it’s the best show I have seen in a long while. It’s absolutely amazing and it also ripped my heart out. All the characters are absolutely amazing and I am still not over it.

To be honest, I contemplated between Xiao JIngyan and Mei Changsu, because character-wise I think the latter is a lot more interesting and compelling. He makes for a fantastic heartbreaking and flawed protagonist.

However I have to admit - it was love at first sight with Prince Jing for me and I’m still lowkey mad abt it rip. Seems like I am not immune to Pretty Prince Propaganda. But apart from that, I adore him for his genuine

goodness,

his almost naive drive to be better and seek justice. He lost everything, and for the longest time did not have anything to fight for. So alone and lost and bitter, it makes me sad how much it hardened him. He is heartbreak and clumsy kindness hidden under a skin of scars that was inflicted by his father and many others. I see his sad cat-eyes and I cry, that’s just how it is.

Edmund Pevensie

The Chronicles of Narnia, C. S. Lewis

I grew up with these books and movies - they have always been part of my life and it will probably always stay that way (only last night I rewatched the first movie and sobbed). Imagine my surprised when I finally watched the last movie about five years ago and was incredibly impressed by how they adapted the book; also imagine my brain suddenly going CASMUND in bold letters at Skandar Keynes’ and Ben Barnes’ performance in that movie. From there, I rediscovered this story completely anew for myself. My favourite Pevensie sibling has always been Lucy (and still is, because I identify with her so much and she feels like home to me); however this new discovery of Edmund’s character was overwhelming. It’s interesting to see characters you’ve grown up with from a more grown up point of view. I don’t want to lay out all my thoughts here, just know I am so heartbroken for him, and so so proud as well. His character arc is amazing and maybe that’s how the last movie makes me even more emotional. Seeing Edmund and Lucy still holding on to Narnia but knowing that that door was closing for them? Not to mention what happens in the later books (we don’t talk about that). Also did I mention Casmund. Here, have my incredibly emo and depressing take on Edmund’s character that I started writing four years ago and which will forever stay a WIP.

Nie Huaisang

The Untamed (2019)

My son. My soul. My bane of existence. The tragic thing about him is, that he does not really exist in canon as I have created him for myself. He’s a secondary character in the show, always so relatable yet still brings the ultimate twist of the story, yet he still remains this incomplete shadow. The movie

Fatal Journey

gave him a lot more and I cried tears of joy and devastation. I don’t know why I latched on to him so much, but apparently he is the one that I project on, the one that feels like he sits somewhere inside my chest. I don’t know what else to say - this year he has been everything to me. I spend a lot of time in his head while writing, and maybe that’s how he’s there forever now. Nie Huaisang saw my brain and went it’s free real estate. All my love for you, you dramatic art hoe.

Sherlock Holmes

Sherlock Holmes, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

Ah, another lifelong companion. There are many adapations that I adore - starting from the origin of it all, the books and stories which I have all devoured; the 80s adaptation with Jeremy Brett which was incredibly wonderful; to BBC Sherlock which shaped and traumatised me (I still like the first three seaons but I am too hurt to think about it); to the numerous movies - but by far my most favourite performance is Basil Rathbone as Sherlock Holmes. Somehow he manages to capture the Holmes I see in my head when I read the books, the sharp yet polite eccentric detective, who loves his companion so much and who has desire to help others. Sherlock Holmes will always stay special to me, in so many different ways. He shaped my youth and I know he will stay with me. (also what would you say when I told you he helped me discover that I can, in fact, be queer AND ace at the same time? thanks pal). What else is there to say? Sherlock Holmes is a universe that you can dive into and find many amazing treasures.

Isak Valtersen

SKAM (2015)

There he is, the boy that changed my life. SKAM changed my life. All of the characters did. However, Isak is special for many, as I imagine. I remember winter 2016, when tumblr was flooded by these norwegian white boys kissing in a pool and cuddling and I was like ‘nah’, this doesn’t look convincing. I don’t know what changed my mind but I remember sitting down at last and watching all that was released of season three and it was only downhill from there. I remember starting to follow the real life updates religiously while watching the other previous seasons in between. The one clip that completely wrecked me was when Isak went to the school nurse about his struggles with sleep - it felt like for the first time I saw someone on screen that could understand me on so many different levels. The entierty of seaons three is so personal, I would tell you to go watch it if you don’t know what I mean. The entire show in fact. It’s a masterpiece and it feels so real. This show impacted my life in a way that no show has managed to do before. I miss it so much. I miss Isak too sigh.

Shang Xirui

Winter Begonia (2020)

Technically, for me personally, Shang Xirui is the nonbinary, gay and ace representation I need in my life (or at least that’s my own personal take on him), but since that is not official, he’s still here on this list. Of course he is because wow, it’s been a long while since I’ve seen such a compelling character on screen. I went from disliking him to being absolutely heartbroken over him. I don’t think any other character in this show captured me as much as he did. There are so many layers to him and discovering all of his sides is a wonderful, heartbreaking, painful and also beautiful journey. I’m not sure I understand all of him yet, but I am willing to try and dig and just ponder his existence. This too, is a perfect example for a flawed yet authentic protagonist. Also he is the most beautiful thing on this planet, or at least that’s how I have been feeling ever since I watched this. I wish to write more of him in the future.

Aang

Avatar: The Last Airbender (2005)

I grew up watching ATLA and my favourite characters have always been Toph, Zuko and Uncle Iroh. In recent years however, I completely fell in love with Aang all anew.

I think especially in the past, I had these prejudices against main characters and found them all the most boring personalities ever. In recent years this changed a lot and especially Aang is a prime example for that. Watching him from the perspective of older me, I find so much wisdom in this young boy. Somehow he represents all I wish to be in my life but at the same time he shows his flaws, he carries this sadness with him that will accompany him all his life. This inner battle and chaos that he has to face day to day and in the end - he is just a young boy. So much has been taken from him and yet he learns how to not let it overtake him, that anger and hurt. He tries his hardest to be better than the day before, even if sometimes the world crashes down on him and he gets overwhelmed. He is a child recruited by adults to manage their mistakes and play into the hands of predestined fate and in this essay I will -

Harry Potter

Harry Potter, J.K. Rowling

I am surprised myself. I thought I would put Fred and George here, or Remus and Sirius, however I realised that none of them quite capture this feeling of lifelong change, of personal, deep impact that Harry had on me.

As with Aang above, I used to think Harry was the most boring protagonist, yet my opinion took a 180° turn in the past years. Many of the things I wrote for Aang apply to him too - the fact that he was a child, that lost so much, and was always faced with challenges that a child should never have needed to face. Something I want to address is how my favourite book, The Order of the Phoenix, lays all of this out. Harry is just as flawed, just as vulnerable and angry as anyone else. I know some people did not like his ‘emo behaviour’ in the fifth book but for me it just showed how human he is, how he was just a teen like myself at that time. As for many, this boy shaped my entire life, shaped a generation, and I will forever be grateful. I’m sad and angry at how J*R behaves, and how she puts us in the position of doubting our love for these stories. I know I will always love them, but I will not turn a blind eye on all the problematic shit is carries with itself and what the author piles upon us.

Lan Wangji & Wei Wuxian

The Untamed (2019)

I will try and keep this short, because if you want to read my thoughts about Wangxian just go to my ao3 and find the over 70k i wrote for them. I decided to put them here together because I can’t seperate them and I can’t choose between them. Each of them carries something I recognise in myself, and each of them is the opposite of me. They each own my heart and soul and I know there will never be a fictional couple like this for me ever again. They’ve snuck their way into my heart and have never left. They deserve to be here, together, because my love for them is indescribable. Bless them. + Bonus:

The Doctor

Doctor Who (1963/2005)

Technically, the Doctor doesn’t count as a “male” character, but since he has been presenting as male up until recently, I needed to include him. I chose the Tenth Doctor because he is the one that broke my heart the most. I adored Nine but he was there too short, and I do love Eleven and Twelve a lot, and Thirteen absolutely owns my heart, Ten has just always been the one that made me cry the most. I loved this era of Doctor Who, I loved how sad and hopeful he was, how heartbroken and yet determined to help wherever it was needed. Doctor Who is always that show, when I return to it, I am reminded that maybe, humanity and the universe isn’t all that bad.

phew, this took ages damn. but i had so much fun! i decided to leave out honorable mentiones because we would be sitting here until tomorrow lol.

#gosh this was nice #a lot of incoherent rambling here #thanks dear #tag game #personal

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onisiondrama · 4 years

Photo

(Note: I’m not repeating stories he’s told before and just putting them in parenthesis. I have a lot more videos to go until I’m caught up so that would save me a lot of time. If he gives details I never heard from him before, I will type those.)

“The New Onision Gossip (^_^)” September 26, 2020 - Speaks

- He says he assumes there’s a new rumor because he was spammed on Twitch with comments implying he struck someone he’s married to. He says he addresses every rumor because it interests him and because if he doesn’t people think they are facts. - He doesn’t know where the rumor came from. He finds it the same as the stuff he’s dealt with for some time. People not needing proof, just going off of feelings. The masses bombarded his stream and said it was reality. If you’re in your late 20′s or older, you get fed up with high school drama. - Says Kai was ahead a grade when he was in high school, so he was a senior when they met. He told Kai the other day that if Kai never jumped a grade, he never would have talked to him. He wouldn’t date a high schooler. He was 26 and Kai was 9 years younger than him. - Says he once screwed up and said he spoke to Kai’s dad and his dad told him to come back in 10 years when Kai is 25. He says it doesn’t make sense and it was idiocy on his part. He says there are at least 40 witnesses that know they never spoke until later. The first time he thinks Kai tweeted him was October 2011. He says they started talking around the time Shiloh cheated on him. - (Shiloh cheated story) He says after they broke up, Shiloh made an essay about how great of a boyfriend he was. [I think he’s talking about this?] He says she was trying to woo him back after he left her. He made a song, Her Lies, instead of taking her back. He tells his audience to stream it on Spotify. Says Shiloh would try to threaten suicide when he broke up with her. He admits he did the same over his alimony payments. (Alimony story, divorce story, Skye was lazy and depressed) - Says when he first met Skye she was a social outcast. She reminded him of Wednesday Addams. He first saw her in a gymnasium, they were in the same class. He found her different than everyone else and he thought that was interesting. He walked over to her and she acted like he was a d-bag for trying to talk to her. “Typical girl emo-ness.” He waited it out and she warmed up to him. One day she invited him over to her house over AOL instant messenger. Her sister opened the door and he thought “oh my god! She looks so happy! She looks so full of life!” He says he thought her sister was her. He saw Skye walk into the picture and she was emo as ever. Same mopey, depressed person. He says for some reason he wanted to be the guy that will hang out with her, make her happy, and make her save herself from herself. - They dated for a month and he broke up with her because he realized he’d never make her happy no matter how hard he tried. He went to basic training and while he was there he decided to ask her to marry her to get more military benefits. He says she was his closest friend and he wanted to travel with her. He says it was fun. He’s kind of glad he married her, but he’s not happy about how it ended because of the alimony. (more alimony story, they took his stuff from his house story) - All of his experiences helped him learn a lot about people. He realizes most people are selfish. They live in their heads and they don’t think about other people. He doesn’t play hero anymore to protect himself. - He says he left his ex-wife for a girl because he was excited she was a Canadian pop star. He says it was very shallow and superficial. He says he was in love with her because of how exciting and interesting she was. It was one of the most intense relationships he’s been in. He says there was a supernatural element, she was one of those women that would say they knew each other in a past life. He thinks that was something she said in that goodbye letter she wrote for him after she cheated. She said maybe they’ll be together in the next life. It made him want to puke because she just cheated. - He had to call the cops on her so many times and he convinced himself it was normal. People who stay in relationships like that stay because they are told no one else will want them. He actually says Shiloh’s name and says she told him no one would love him as much as she loved him. He says it’s not quite the same. He says people who hated him loved him more than Shiloh because she got pregnant with another man’s baby. - (Shiloh body slamming the door story) He says when he pushed her with one arm through the door she dramatically fell to the floor and called him abusive. Since she called him abusive, he called the cops to ask them what they think. He says he thinks they saw the hysteria in her and the calm in him. He just broke up with her and wanted space and to sleep in his own room. He asks what you would think if Shiloh was the one holding the door and he was the one trying to body slam his way in. She would be the one pushing him with one arm away from the door so she could lock it. He says you would think of “here’s Johnny” from The Shinning. Insane mental imbalance. When you switch the genders, the guy is always wrong. He says the cops took his side. They took Shiloh aside and he could still hear them. They told her to stay away from him and leave him alone. They told her to give him space and to let him sleep in his room and she did. He says he thinks he let her sleep in the same room after because he felt bad for calling the cops. - He says there is a really weird thing she did to get him to have affection for her. He says he went to Lover’s Package with her because she was complaining that she had physical needs. He said he’s not willing to sleep with her or date her because it’s too toxic, but he’ll buy her something. He says while he was there he saw a mannequin and he thought to himself, “do women really get that skinny?” because he was with 170lb, 5 foot Shiloh for so long. He says it was normal to him that she was the same weight as him, but 11 inches shorter. He says that’s medically obese. He says he appreciated her physical form. She asked if she should lose weight he would tell her it’s not an issue. Says one time she asked him if she was obese and he said she was and she freaked out. He started crying because she said she was going to end her life because of that. He says it was rude to say even though it was science. - She told him she could get as skinny as the mannequin if he wanted her to. He says he didn’t know what to say because it wasn’t an awful idea for him to be with someone that shape. He says he got her a d-i-l-d-o, he thinks it was a vibrator. She tried to use it in the tub. She calls him in and she tells him it’s not the same when she does it on her own and she asks for help. He says they were broken up but, but they were both adults so he tried to help. He doesn’t remember how it went, but they wound up dating again. He thinks it was her strategy. - He has the Remember Love tattoos because she would guilt trip him. [hentai break up story] He didn’t want to get her name because he didn’t think the relationship would last forever. He says he got the tattoos on his wrists to remind him not to watch hentai because he uses his hands to jerk off. - He says one time he was playing Mortal Kombat and she put her mouth on him. She noticed he got more aroused when Sheeva came out. He says he’s not even attracted to Sheeva, but he was so deprived from not being able to watch internet porn. - [Shiloh & his ex-sister-in-law’s adult photos story] - He says he had chemistry with his ex-sister-in-law, but they never had anything. Their age gap was not appropriate in his mind. He was 18 when she was 15. He says it might have been legal, but he didn’t feel it was appropriate. [ex-mother-in-law scammed a website story] - His ex-grandma in law said she would shoot the president. His ex-mother-in-law said she’d supply the gun. His ex-sister-in-law said she’d supply the bullet. He says these were white people talking about a black person. - He says this is heavy content, but he has no reason not to talk about it. He thinks his ex-sil was brainwashed politically by her mom. He says he was hateful toward George Bush because he was in-part responsible for over 1 million innocent Iraqi deaths. He says he killed more people than the current president. - Says one time his ex-mil let his ex-sil and her friend drink. She told them not to drink the whole bottle. They were not old enough to drink, but he didn’t stop them because it would destroy his relationship with everyone in that household. His ex-wife would make sure they were ok and didn’t hurt themselves. They would take turns distracting his ex-wife so the other one would be alone with him and hug him. He says he was not married to his ex-wife yet. He thought the hugs were fine. Says when he was alone in the bathroom with his ex-sil she tried to kiss him. He turned his head because of their age gap. That night they all laid in the front room on the carpet except for his ex-wife. She asked why they were laying on the ground and he told her not to worry about it. He says he was holding hands with his ex-sil. He says this gives you an idea of his moral compass. Hugging and holding hands are ok. Kissing is not not ok. He says when he was at Osan Air Base, the Korean marines were holding hands while skip marching. That’s when he realized he liked the Korean military more because there was love in that group. They cared about each other. - He fell asleep holding her hand under the blankets. When he woke up, she said “what the F?” He guesses when she was drink she thought she wanted to hold hands with him. - He says you can jump to judgments about him, but he tells you so deeply who he is, a guy who refused to kiss someone that was intoxicated with a three year age gap. He says holding hands is platonic. If it was sexual, mothers wouldn’t hold hands with their kids. Hugs are fine. - He says there was a gay guy who came over their house. He hugged and held hands with Kai. Platonic people do that all the time. - He’s not sure if he dated his ex yet when that drinking story happened. - He says he and his ex-sil played video games together and hung out a lot, but after that incident, he wrote her an email. He wrote there’s a chemistry between them, but it’s not something he can’t pursue. He wants her to know she’s a special person to him, but it can’t be a thing. She hated him from that point on. He felt like she was an awesome person. - They made videos together later on and she was so funny. She was so cool, talented, edgy. He says she could be praised by the masses. She’s like the female LeafyIsHere in a lot of ways. He offered to pay her to be in his videos long after he divorced her sister. It was exciting working with her. - He says he never beat Shiloh. He called her for domestic issues and they always sided with him. He says it’s rare when the cops take the man’s side. Women cry and men yell, but it was the opposite. Shiloh wrapped her arms around him because she was trying to stop him from calling the cops. The phone fell out of his hand. He did successfully called the cops. They told him to move so he wouldn't be there when she got back from her mental evaluation after she threatened to frame him for murder. - He says in the past there’s a reason why the mass majority always took his side. It’s because he’d make videos like this to tell people how it was. - Says the Twitch chat was saying, “you beat your wife.” He told them, “what wife? I’m married to a dude.” He says it was a weird stream and he wore a mustache and sunglasses while rocking out to Rammstein.

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sibyl-of-space · 4 years

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no one asked but im fuckin emo about relationships and communities online in 2020 so im going to go on a rambling essay like only someone with unmedicated ADHD can

When I turned 13 I was allowed to have My Own Computer With Internet in my room. The first thing I did was find and join an online forum about video games (this was early 2000′s, forums were a thing). I made over 100 posts my first DAY because I was so excited to talk to other people who liked video games and stuff and could talk about how actually I learned in biology that one of the ocarina of time bosses being a giant single-celled amoeba is unscientific.

Like, before I was allowed to be On The Internet TM, I talked to friends at school about video games by forcing my 3 friends to play the games I wanted to talk about, and then we would talk about them. And even once I joined these online spaces, it was totally different because everyone got to kind of just pick their own name and their own image to represent them so it was like a totally different, separate life.

Growing up, having these online communities where I had a sort of anonymity but still could interact with and meet people and form really close relationships, in addition to niche IRL friendships, was really important. I didn’t really have a lot of drama in IRL friend groups but boy there was forum drama and I feel like I got a lot of exposure to social interactions and stuff that way. I feel like I got the Authentic Teen Experience TM more online than in person.

(My first relationship was an online relationship with someone I met on this forum. Not to entirely derail, but it started out as a ‘joke’ and we pretended to be dating, and I have like insanely long AIM chat logs of the whole event to prove it.)

Anyway, I think I would be having an easier time with this if the forum had just gone under 10 years ago like all the rest of them did, but it has kind of been on life support this whole time and is still alive, and I’m having a LOT of feelings about it.

I really don’t want to talk about details here, I kind of don’t even care about them anymore, it’s just sad that this forum more exists as an animated corpse of what once was that a lot of us old farts still log onto every now and then, but there’s no real effort or desire to re-invest into trying to keep it alive or fresh and live on as a space new people might want to come to. I’m a mod of one of the sub-forums because I was modded 10 years ago and there’s no one to replace me. And now we are at a place where a known racist asshole is possibly going to be banned and somehow that is a line some people are mad we might cross.

At this point, I am tempted to just log off and never log back on again. I would be legitimately interested if there was a desire to re-invest in this community and make it welcoming to people who might stumble across it seeking refuge from all the huge corporate viral social media sites; somewhere they could call home if they managed to come across it and want to make an account. I’d be willing to put in the work to help draft new community guidelines, assist with elections or appointments for new mods, whatever it might take to make it feel like the place belongs to anyone who wants to be there.

But as it stands now, the only mods are people who were modded 10 years ago, the newest new member joined 2 years ago, and almost no one wants to start any topics that touch anything serious because some dickwad is gonna come in and talk about how actually SJWs are ruining america or some shit.

I don’t like feeling like a part of this site that sort of just exists as a nod to some heyday from like 15+ years ago. I’m ready to let it go, but I would rather either pull the plug on it or try to make significant changes so it has a chance to be a refuge to someone else. As it is now, it just seems kind of sad.

I’m DOUBLE emo about it because I am really really frustrated by the fact that in 2020 it seems like there is NO way to engage with people that isn’t being filtered by corporate-owned social media platforms, and they are less interested in helping people form healthy relationships and more interested in what can go viral and make them more money.

I can’t imagine being a teen right now trying to form friendships in this landscape. I had hoped to make an effort to go back to this small forum this past year to kind of get that small niche interaction but.. well, you know, now This. I’m just frustrated all around.

I still have a few outlets. I live with my roommate of like 10 years, I have a girlfriend (who lives in texas RIP), I have made a lot of friends in the Tales of Symphonia speedrun community and a few from cosplay, I have a couple IRL friend circles. But... I don’t know; I am missing this kind of purely online, niche community. And maybe that’s fine and they just don’t exist anymore, but that was such a huge part of my social sphere growing up that I don’t really know how to make up for that now?

I miss doodling some amateurish fanart, posting it on DeviantArt as a host and then putting it on this forum where like 2-3 friends who were also amateurish artists would comment on how nice the shading was and post their own art in their own art threads. Now it feels like, okay I can put it on twitter or wherever but I’m competing with professionals who do this for a living.

I need to find new communities that are healthy for me, and I am trying to grapple with the fact that it definitely will look different from how it did in 2006, but that’s okay if I can still meet people and grow from it.

[EDIT: I did try the fandom discord server thing but wew... man any server with overlike 50 people in it just turns into the equivalent of a subreddit real fast. I dunno. If your sole engagement with these people is about how much you both like X thing, it stops being meaningful pretty fast I think? Maybe I’m just being old and grouchy. But I’ve left or muted virtually every fandom specific discord I’m in. The only ones I’m active on are the Tales Speedrun discord and uhhhh... hm that’s about it.]

#lolol this is my first post in like 9000 years and its just me being angsty hi everybody

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lovemesomesurveys · 4 years

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S c h o o l Did you/do you like school? Looking back after a few years, I think I did overall. I wouldn’t have said that in the moment, though. I got very easily overwhelmed, stressed, and burnt out. Many tears were shed. A lot of anxiety was induced. I hated the presentations and taking exams. There were parts I did like, though. There were assignments, books, courses, teachers, and activities that I liked. The learning aspect of stuff that was of real interest to me was enjoyable. What was/is the best thing about going to school? The worst? I listed the good and bad in my previous answer. All that being said, I do believe education is good and important. What was/is your favourite subject? Least favourite? My favorite was always english and then psychology, obviously. That was my major. My least was always math. That was the absolute worst. Who was/is your favourite teacher? Least favourite? My favorite in elementary and middle school (my school was a K-8th grade) was Mr. McGill. He was my 4th grade teacher, but he ended up being an 8th grade teacher later on and I was able to have him again. He was very funny and cool and made learning fun. He genuinely cared about his students. Everyone loved him. In high school it was my sophomore history teacher, Mr. Coffey. He reminded me so much of Rob Dyrdek from how he looked to how he acted. He was cool. He always jammed out to Red Hot Chili Peppers before class. In college I had a few awesome professors. College professors are usually pretty rad.

What did/do you do for break/recess? Recess I just hung out with my friends. I forget what we did, exactly. I couldn’t go on the playground (I’m in a wheelchair). I probably just watched them for awhile or something. I remember playing 4-square. Probably stuff like tag as well. I honestly don’t really remember what I did for recess in elementary school. In middle school we just hung out. *shrug* Oh, and had snacks cause most of us always brought chips or whatever to munch on before lunch. People were suddenly your best friend if you had Hot Cheetos haha. In school break was lunch and I just ate and hung out with friends mostly. In college if I was campus for a long time I usually ate between classes, studied, did some reading, got coffee, messed around on my phone and watched YouTube or Netflix or something. Did you/do you do any after school activities? What? In 5th and 6th grade I was a Girl Scout. In middle school we had electives, but that was during school so I guess that doesn’t count. I think it was like toward the end of the school day, though. Oh, also my local community college offered some fun classes for kids during the summer and I did some of those. In high school I was in a couple clubs. I was VP for one of them. When I was at community college I was an active club and then board member of the psychology club. In university I didn’t do anything, ha. I went to my classes and went home. Did you/do you take part in a club or sport at school? What? No sports, but yeah the club stuff I just listed. ^^^ What age did you start school? Like 3 in preschool. If you've left school do you wish you were still there? Nope! haha. I served my time as I say. I’m doneeee. S l a n d e r Do you take things people say at face value? Not always. Depends what they’re telling me, obviously. If someone was like, “there’s a huge meteor crashing to earth tomorrow” I’m gonna look into that lol. What is the worst rumour that has been spread about you? There weren’t any. Not that I ever knew of, anyway. I wasn’t relevant. Can you honestly say you never act two faced? No. I think we’ve all been fake in some way or another at some time or another. Some people are just fake people, though. Like that’s just who they are as a person, ya know? I’m not one of those people, but I can’t say that I’ve never been before. Do you get talked about behind your back often [someone tells you]? I’m sure my former friends have talked a lot of shit about me over the past few years and rightfully so. I wouldn’t blame them at all. Now I’m probably not even on their radar anymore and they probably just don’t give a shit, which I also wouldn’t blame them for. Apart from that, I mean I’m sure people have said stuff about me behind my back and I’ve been told things before. For the most part; though, I really feel like I was always pretty insignificant and not even on most people’s radar. Do you believe everyone is somewhat of a gossip? Yeah, pretty much. Some are just make it their life; though, and live for the gossip and drama. Don't you think those who insult others and their lives just seriously need to get a life of their own? I don’t understand the obsession some people have for people they claim to dislike or hate. Like, why are they so invested and give any of their time to someone they don’t like? It makes NO sense. I see that so much on the internet. I watch YouTubers and there will be so many haters who just have to get their fix and watch the video and talk shit about the person. They just have to leave that comment and make it known. I’m just like, WHY. I don’t waste my time watching or following up on someone I don’t like. I don’t feel the need to leave a rude comment. It’s real easy to just X out the video and find something else. Why waste your time??? I’ve just really been seeing that a lot lately especially on YouTube. Same with celebrities. There’s some I’m not a fan of or don’t particularly care for, but I have the need to go tweet and tell them that I don’t like them or talk shit in their comments. Make comments to yourself or to someone privately, but you don’t need to make it known to the person. I just move along with your life. That goes for anyone. We all talk shit sometimes, don’t act like you never do, but you don’t need to insult people to their face. S p o r t s Do you like sports in general? Nope. Do you prefer field sports, team sports or other? I prefer no sports. Do you run/jog regularly? Nope. Do you like/enjoy swimming? What's your usual stroke? Nope. What sport do you like to watch but not to play? None. What sport do you like to play but not to watch? None. Who is your favourite sportsman/woman? What sport do they play? I don't have one. Are you sporty, average or hate sports? Sports are just not my thing, man. R a p Do you like rap music? Yeah. Whose your favourite rap artist? Why? I have several. I’m probably most into Post Malone these days. I like Drake, too. There’s also the newer genre, emo rap, that I’m into as well. That includes like Juice WRLD and Travis Scott. Thennn there’s like rap rock. Linkin Park, one of my top favorite bands, fall under that category. Whose your least favourite rap artist? Why? Hmm. Name me a few rap songs that you like? I don’t wanna. Name me a few rap songs you dislike? I don’t wanna. Is rap one of your top 3 genres of music? I don’t know, man. I just like variety. Eminen or Dr. Dre? Eminem. Dizzy Rascal or Will.i.am? I don’t think I’ve heard of Dizzy Rascal. D12 or Bone Thugs n Harmony? I liked a couple songs by D12. Haven’t listened to them in a long time, though. R e a d i n g Do you like reading? I love to read. What's your favourite book? Whose your favourite author? I can’t choose a favorite. I just can’t. I’ve been reading a longgggg time and have read a lottttttt of books. I have too many favorites. Fiction or Non Fiction? I like fiction better. Sci-Fi or Historical Novel? Hm. Probably sci-fi out of the two. Fantasy or Horror? Horror. Romance or War Novel? Romance. Do you prefer films or books? I enjoy both. How many books do you think you own? Quite a lot, but not as much as I used to. I’ve been reading a lot of ebooks for the past several years, so I have a lot of those. I have a lot saved in my Kindle app. What books have you read that made you sad? I’ve read countless number of sad books. What books have you read that frightened you? I read a lot of mystery and psychological thriller, so. What books have you read that were terrible? The only ones I’m embarrassed to admit I’ve read are the Fifty Shades of Gray series. :X What books have you read that left you wanting more? So many. I get really into a book and the characters. I love a series. R e l i g i o n Do you believe in God? Yes. Do you believe in multiple Gods/Goddesses? No. What is your religion called? Christian. Do you believe in Angels and Demons? Yes. Do you believe in Heaven and Hell? Yes. Do you believe in The Devil? Yes. Not like how he’s portrayed in movies and such, like the red dude with a pitchfork, but yes. What rule/ideal in your religion do you think is the most important? The 10 Commandments. What, to you, is the difference between spirituality and religion? Religion consists of practices, beliefs, and a relationship with God. Spirituality is more within yourself. Q u e s t i o n s O f O d d n e s s Do you like tandoori chicken? Never had it. I don’t even know what that is. Can you hear a man's voice right now? On the TV. What nations tea is the best? I don't know. Can you remember what you were doing at 12.30pm yesterday? Sleeping. Does the colour purple make you feel a particular emotion? No. What age are you going to be in 2020? I’m turning 31 this year. D: What colour are your siblings eyes? Brown. Do you more often get a sore throat, cough or sneeze? Sore throat or cough. Do you get more headaches, earaches, toothaches or sore eyes? Headaches and sore eyes. Do you usually wear plain coloured clothes or dual/multi coloured? I wear a lot of black, but it has stuff on it it’s not just a plain black shirt. How far away is the nearest take away place from your house? Like a 2 minute drive. Do you think sarcasm is a good tool or just annoying? It can be annoying when done excessively. It can just be rude sometimes. I have my sarcastic moments, though. What photos do you have on your phone? Saved photos of stuff I found online, my doggo, some of me, just various things. What's the model of your phone? iPhone XR. Do you drink hot honey and lemon when ill? Nope. My younger brother swears by that kind of stuff when he’s sick. What word would sum up today? It’s only 6 in the morning. I need to go to bed omg. This week? Uh, itt’s just starting. This month? Meh. This year? Way too soon to say. Favourite type of muffin? Banana without the nut and blueberry. Streusel on top makes them even better.

#personal #text #this is a long one #survey #surveys

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cozyreviews · 3 years

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2020 Reading Wrap-Up

This year was extremely cathartic in terms of reading. The past few years I’ve been reading, but not very fast and not very often. I am proud to say that as of today, I have read 31 books this year. Not only was this the most I’ve ever read period, but the most varying in genres that I’ve ever read. Normally I stick to ya contemporary and fantasy, but this year I jumped around from middle grade to adult to new adult back to ya. I also discovered my favorite authors of all time. The books I read this year were fun, eye-opening, and engaging. Some of them I definitely didn’t like as much as the others, but that’s a story for later.

Without further or do...here are my top 8 of the year!

1. The Hating Game by Sally Thorne

This is the book that started my rom-com kick this year. I started off the year finishing up the TATBILB series and I immediately jumped into The Hating Game and my god did I fall in love with it. If you haven’t heard of it, it follows Lucy and Josh who work together and are mortal enemies and well...I think you can guess where it goes. It’s hilarious, it’s sweet, and boy is it sexyyyy. I can’t wait to see it come to life on the big screen with Lucy Hale and Robbie Amell! They just started shooting and I can totally see them both being perfect in their rolls.

2. Josh & Hazel’s Guide to Not Dating by Christina Lauren

Last year for Christmas, this was one of the books I got - along with The Hating Game. It took a while to start this one but I loved it and it made me see how incredible Christina Lauren is. There’s a way that they write about love that’s unlike any other. This one was also sweet, hilarious, and sexy and the ending had me all emo. Friends to lovers is one of my favorite tropes so if that’s what you love, this one would be right up your alley. It’s about Hazel - a wacky, zany teacher who in college had several run-ins with Josh that didn’t go very well. Years later, they run into each other at a party and become friends. This eventually leads to them going on double dates with people they set each other up with - but they always end up going home together;)

3. The Unhoneymooners by Christina Lauren

O. M. G. This was a WILD ride. I had no idea what to expect with this one but I definitely had many times where I was actually laughing out loud. The premise of this one is insane: our main character’s twin sister is getting married and she just so happens to hate the brother of the groom. On the night of the wedding, the main character and the brother end up being the only ones at the wedding who don’t get food poisoning so they’re forced by their siblings to take their honeymoon trip to Hawaii. If that hasn’t hooked you, I don’t know what will.

4. In a Holidaze by Christina Lauren

THIS. BOOK. One of my favorites I’ve EVER read. It’s everything I could ever want: romance, humor, and CHRISTMAS! I feel like I should’ve kept this one closer to Christmas but I read it at the beginning of November and it instantly put me in the spirit. With a lot of these rom-coms, it’s easy to predict what’s gonna happen, but this one I had NO IDEA how it was going to end. And I loved every second of the journey. This one follows Mae to her family and family friends’ cabin on Christmas. After a disastrous trip, she gets in a car accident with her family and ends up repeating the holiday over and over again. Oh and there’s a cute boy that she’s nursed a crush on for years. This one had me laughing out loud too and also crying. We absolutely stan this and I will definitely be reading every year at Christmas time.

5. Daisy Jones & the Six by Taylor Jenkins Reid

Holy. Shit. I can’t even describe how much I loved this book. If you know me, you know how much I love music so this was the PERFECT book for me. At first it took some time to get into, but once I was into it...phew. It absolutely flew by and all I wanted to do was read. It’s about a fictional band from the 1970′s. I don’t even know what to say other than that so I don’t spoil anyone but it is a JOURNEY. I found myself gasping at some points because of how shocking some things were. Ugh. I loved it. If you like Fleetwood Mac in any way, I highly, highly, highly recommend this book.

6. The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo by Taylor Jenkins Reid

I knew I wanted to read this after I finished Daisy Jones, but I actually didn’t get around to it until a week or so ago. I flew through this one too and oh my god. If Daisy Jones wasn’t shocking enough for you then this one. Oh. My. God. It’s about Evelyn Hugo, a fictional starlet from the 50′s (? I think) who asks a small time writer to help write her biography - to be released after she’s dead. Evelyn is such an intriguing character, you just want to know more and more and more. And there’s one thing about her that is absolutely shocking. There are actually so many shocking revelations throughout this book and it all took me completely off guard. Surprisingly, I feel like I learned a lot through this book and from Evelyn. She’s painted out to be not a very great person, and I think I understand why people think that about her, but I don’t see her that way at all. I actually feel like she’s a good person, maybe a bit selfish, but there’s one thing all of her decisions have in common. Love.

7. The Hate U Give by Angie Thomas

Phew. I can’t believe it took me this long to read this book. I thought I’d be okay with just seeing the movie but let me tell you...the book is so much more eye opening and amazing.. After the protests in June, I saw everyone talking about things like White Fragility and How to Be an Antiracist - but I knew those books wouldn’t be for me. Now hear me out...I hate non-fiction. I learn lessons much better through fictional stories and that’s why this one resonated so much with me. Starr is one of the most brave, incredible characters that I’ve had the pleasure of reading. The way Angie writes her story is both beautiful and heartbreaking. You watch as she changes and how the people around her change by the horrific event that has taken place. I’m not gonna try to summarize it, because hopefully everyone knows what it’s about by now. If you haven’t yet, go pick it up. Right now. I feel like this is a story that’s going to be around forever and that we’ll be giving to our children to read when it’s time. As a white person, I can be empathetic, but I truly will never understand what it’s like for Black people, but reading this gave me a better understanding of what is actually happening. The Hate U Give taught me about how broken the system is, and how we can fix the issues that are plaguing the Black community right now. The most poignant and important book I could ever read.

8. On the Come Up by Angie Thomas

After The Hate U Give, I couldn’t not read this one. And wow. On the Come Up follows Bri, the daughter of a rap legend, who is trying to make it in Garden Heights - the same neighborhood Starr is from in The Hate U Give. Bri’s journey is rough, but it’s incredible to see the work she puts in to end up on top. Sometimes the decisions she makes get taken the wrong way, but in the end, her family as at the core of every decision she makes. All she wants is her family to be okay and I think that’s something that a lot of people can relate to. On the Come Up might not be as deep as The Hate U Give, but Angie teaches some incredible lessons through this story too. Also, let me just say...Angie wrote some INCREDIBLE raps for this book and I really hope we get to hear them come to life one day.