#and its not ny fault

[v-anrouge]

was that selfish of me to do

#i mean its not like i dont like them i really do they're super fun but they're so scary and they intimidate me #im too much of a pussy to swnd them anything explaining hell i dont even know if they'd like an explanation #idk why im still thinking abut this #(i do know i regret it) #but also #as much as i regret jt i idk i feel like im a burden to then #i feel like im a burden to everyone tbh #i feel like i maks most of my mutuals overthinking ans that they're afraid they'll upsey me because im unstable #this isnt their fault though its mine because im emotimal and i complain about everything and im super negative #i think all ny mutuals should cut me off immediately! #i think i nedd to disappear off of tumblr actually #i wonder uow many ppl look ay me and just think im absolutely pathetic #i wonde rhow msny of them regret becoming my mutuals #i must disappear the aster oersona its fallinf apart

[tiredstressedemotionalmess]

am sick so if you'd like to speak some suitehearts/killjoys thoughts to me i would love to hear them :P

im sorry ur not feeling well :(( heres a (too goddamn long sorry) summary of all the suitehearts Thoughts i was struck with in latin earlier to hopefully make you feel a bit better <33

so first i was just thinking abt Benz and how hed get roped into the show via threats from bli and then i was like ohhh okay what if they offer him a lab space/equipment to do whatever experiments/research he wants if they agree to being on the show. bc like at this point its abundantly clear that hes not gonna work for them by making new drugs as originally planned but they dont want to risk losing his potential (and they wanna show that theyre still fucking in control) so they make them this "deal" (which theyve really got no other option to take if they dont wanna die) and he gets this lab and figures he can find a way of counteracting blis bullshit sort of in secret bc he knows hes never gonna be able to get this equipment anywhere else

AND THEN i started thinking abt how this would effect his relationship with everyone else on the show (namely Sandman and Donnie bc Crab atp basically just exists off set in a drugged up haze) and i started thinking that maybe thered be some tension there bc the others are either poor or poor AND heavily demoted from past positions of power, and they look at Benz with his higher education and seemingly wealthy lifestyle and they think hes an enthusiastic participant in the system thats fucked them both over. so maybe theyre both kinda dicks to them off set but im thinking Benz doesn't really care bc he doesnt hang around much anyways if they arent filming- hes gotta spend every possible second in the lab yk? and then i started thinking about what might push them all to really talk and become friends which led to THE fucking idea ever

so one day Sandy and Donnie are looking for Benz in his dressing room bc they were supposed to start filming like fifteen fucking minutes ago god Benz this isnt just your show stop being so fucking selfish and come do your job- but they stop as just outside the door as they very clearly hear Benz arguing with someone important and they're saying something about a deal? and Benz sounds pissed saying this wasnt in the agreement and they said he could research whatever he wanted and they cant just do this- if they take this from him hes done. he's walking. they already took everything else from him so if they dont let him have this then hes off the fucking show and they can just try and catch him when he runs. and Whoever theyre talking to is just like "lolz okay well if you're leaving guess were gonna have to recast everyone for 'consistency' so i guess all the others have no reason to be kept around anymore-" and its like. a VERY clear threat on the rest of the Suitehearts' lives and Benz fucking freaks out. he backtracks immediately apologizes for speaking out says they can take his research he doesnt care jesus just dont bring them into this they didnt even do anything

so then Sandy and Donnie are like "ohhh What The Fuck :D" and they kinda feel like assholes for making assumptions bc clearly this isnt the first time Benz has been threatened (and its very much implied that blis gone through with last threats when he wasnt compliant) and theyve both already had their own shit building up and their hatred for bli was already basically at the tipping point already so yeah. they confront Benz and Benz tells him that theyd been trying to develop a sort of blocker for bli's pills. something people in the city can take to negate their effects. he didnt even know if it was possible or if he was on the right track with his research but apparently bes gotten close enough to something for bli to have to step in now. and the other two are obviously like ?????? WHAT THE FUCK YOU MEAN YOU LITERALLY INVENTED A WAY TO FREE PEOPLE FROM BLIS CONTROL WHAT THE SHIT WE HAVE TO HELP YOU SAVE THAT SHIT RIGHT THE FUCK NOW

and Benz is all like "well technically idk if ive invented shit yet bc i haven't actually tested the drug on anyone" and the others are like "bet okay you need a test subject? lets yoink Crab". Benz is incredibly fucking against doing that bc Consent and Ethics. he lets it slip that he does have a stash of the drug already made and hidden in his apartment and hes just gonna test the shit on himself but Sandy and Donnie are noooot fucking having it bc "dude. you understand they arent gonna let you go after this right? even if they keep you alive, they are gonna start tightening the reigns and pumping you full of shit and then youre gonna be the one who needs the blockers" and yeah they really do have a point there so Benz agrees to join them on the escape plan theyve been devising (which side note. yeah those two were planning on running away together anyways but thats a different post probably-) and what follows is the most stressful fucking two weeks of all of their lives as they start discreetly gathering the shit theyll need to leave all while having to wrap filming this season and dealing with management watching their every fucking move and making vague ominous comments about "the future of their careers" AND theyre slipping Crab these new fucking pills and having to keep a close eye on them and keep them calm as theyre slowing coming out of their trance and realizing Oh Fuck Im In The City

and then like. it all comes to a head and they very publicly are chased by a bunch of crows in costume bc they end up having to fin in the middle of filming and i havent thought much abt this lart yet so yeah. thats what i spent all of latin thinking abt I HOPE YOU FEEL BETTER SOON KAZ <333

#asks #my headcanons #danger days #danger days headcanons #americas suitehearts #killjoy suitehearts #<gonna try use that tag to keep all my thoughts together :p #danger days the true lives of the fabulous killjoys #and yes this is literally the exact shit i said i wasnt gonna post abt and this is what im writing a fic on so spoilers ig but not really #BUT ITS NOT MY FAULT OKAY I NEED TO CHEER NY FRIEND UP AND I JUST STARTED TYPING AND COULDNT STOP #so enjoy all my Too Many words ig #my writing

[kn11ves]

emotional support group for autistics who got called condescending and rude as kids just for responding to things directly and still not knowing how they were being mean

#what did i do #i got constantly told by my mother and step father (and his family) that i always talked like i knew better than they did or that i was #just as mature. i was just fuckjng talking what the hell did you want me to do #why do you feel attacked when a 10 year old speaks to you as an adult????? literally what #i dont know on that note sometimes its just like i dont even feel like ive aged at all #sure i have a giant explosion of time in my head just Gone from my memory because i was getting abused but like i dont feel like ive aged #or really matured ive felt like ive alwats felt #i cant relate when epople are like me when i feel all my ages or i wish i could go back to being x age or being x age everything felt so #different..like no it didnt. or im missing something? #i have never in my life felt like anything has changed. ive always been this old. there is no ''inner child'' and ive never had childhood #innocence or a nostalgia or childhood to go back to. i have no idea what any of you are talking about ever👍 #ugh jst rmemebred skmething that happened with my white step dad's mother #we visited her house and she literally fucking didnt let me go (not physically) until i replied to her with Correct Granmar. what was i #doing? i was reaponding to her by saying ''yeah'' and she kept repeating ''yes'' like telling me to say yes instead of yeah and i didnt #Fucking Get It because guess what you old white cracker i barely fucking speak english and you are just saying things in an aggressive tone #like thats gonna make me get it. and i Didnt i just kept replying yrah to her yes's and then she got tired of it and we left out the door #and theeeeen i got yelled at in the car by being called disrespectful and rude by my parents. WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO????????? #those crackers never liked me LOL i literally know they didnt #ugh i rmemeber this one time my step dads father was like trying to show me some dumb boxing or karate or something punching move and he #told my mother that i was good at it because he felt i had a lot of aggression and then NY MOTHER YELLED AT ME IN THE CAR FOR IT?????? #oh fucking wonder why te kid being abused mighthave aggression but she didnt Know (apart from what She was doing to me) like why would it #be my fucking fault if he thought i had aggression in me HOW IS THAT MY FAULT WHAT DIDBI DO I WAS JUST TRYING TO DO THE MOVE BECAUSE WELL #I WAS TRYING TO GET ALONG BECAUSE THATS WHAT THEY WANTED ME TO DO #she was like do you know how much that embarassed me and WHAT THE HELL HE SAID IT I DIDNT I WAS LIKE #8??? OR SOMETHING???? I DONT FUCKING KNOW!!! I DIDNT KNOW WOMAN WHAT DID YOU WANT FROM ME #mothers when they mother👍

[anadorablekiwi]

Loving hours for a lovely Kiwi!

Plus a little treat (⁠｡⁠•̀⁠ᴗ⁠-⁠)⁠✧

Ashshsjsbdjs 🥺🥺🥺🥰

It is NOT kiwi loving hours NO

#kiwi answers #kiwi gets love #nancy my sweet #thank you hun 💜🫂 #in all honesty its been a REALLY rough day #a bit of good in between being VERY sick for Hours ( #like. i emptied my stomach contents more times than i can count and then some #which is my own fault i should have known bwtter than to eat gas station good but I wanted *something* in my stomach so (ironically) #i would hopefully not barf #the 4 hours driving total was torture and I’m pretty sure I vomited ny antidepressant this morning so yeah thats been great

[schrodingers-catgirl]

do u have any favorite songs atm!!

. It's going down from the p3r ost 😭😭

#ITS NOT NY FAULT IT HITS SO HARD. #also hi ^v^ !! #asks <3

[flowers-that-sing]

didnt think id cry over a fanfiction in which eddie munson has BPD, and steve knows this, and literally outright says that he knows eddie could split over him and say or do or feel very hurtful things, but it doesn’t matter to him and he loves him anyway. fucking God damn

because as much as people have claimed to “not care” that i have BPD, they also make it clear that any symptoms are too much and they can’t handle it. and like, i get that. i do. i know. most people just can’t handle someone like me. i’m probably doomed to be mostly-alone and only have surface-level friendships, barring stitch, for the rest of my life if i don’t get better at hiding it. i’m so fucking lucky to even have stitch. like, even my own parents can’t handle me. i am so grateful for my best friend.

the idea that someone could know exactly what BPD entails, could know what splitting is, could know what it could mean, and instead of running for the hills because im toxic they would actually stay, and love me anyway, the knowledge that it’s possible, that i’m not abusive and evil in the eyes of every person ever on this earth and someone on this planet is capable of loving me anyway even if i never meet them, it’s. oh my God. so many fucking feelings. i wasnt expecting that.

#bobbi babbling #warning i vented in the tags you can ignore em #i have lost so many friends becauuse of my BPD #and i know it’s ny fault #as much as i wanna pretend it isnt it is my fault #its all always been my fault #and i try and i try to be a good person and act better and hide it better and get better at hiding instead of facing people #but its so hard #i hate being alone #but i hate hurting people more #i scare myself and i scare people who get close to me #and the only ways i know how to cope with really bad episodes without hurting others #is eith vigorous self harm; breaking shit; doing stupid things; screaming… #locking nyself up in closets until i hyperventilate so bad i faint #and tire myself out #and its fucking scary #i dont wanna live likr this anymore #i wish people could love me #but they cant #god this turned into a vent. #sorry.

[npdlangley]

lalalala had to look after my brother and because of me he missed a part of his exam

#txt #its ny fault #i hope the teacher does like. extra exam days #me when. im forced to look after mh brother and i forget

[hardly-a-p3rson]

getting increasingly more stupid than normal so I think I should sleep

#~vani #its not ny fault im so down bad #like im just a little guy #and they're so amazing #and pretty #and sweet #and kind #who can honestly blame me

[ryan-is-a-god]

imagine having enough focus to successively learn the skills for your hobby.

And then imagine having enough focus to do that same thing but with your actual fucking career and homework...

#oops #ive been 3d modeling again #its all my instructors fault for asking me about ny interests #unintelligible goblin noises #chaoscore #adhd stuff #screams into the abyss #the best part is programming and modeling kinda got that bridge between them #i keep writing full application programs instead of examples and having to start over for ny assignments

[frazzledazzlin]

thsc fans made me a kinder person wowie

#was talking with my gf some days ago and i have gotten less violent in my head HELPDGF #no bc personal rambles if ur not interested idm but #last year fucked me up so bad everyday i used to get strikes on insta for my private posts to vent it out #its the funniest shit to look back on tbh Help but i genuinely look back on some posts and go wow this motherfucker rly made me a violent- #person and he acted like all that happened to me was my fault #i seriously do not want another message from that fuck on ny birthday again i will make his life living fucking hell #this december will be full of copperright and thsc . i have not felt so emotionally vulnerable in so long LMAO #thanks to these little fucks i want to throw them around i love yhem #it took some silly gentle people of this fandom for me to realize perhaps i should tone down the violent humor #bc a friend in another friend group lately also opened up that hayy i think im. not ok with playful bullying anymore and i felt bad even #though i dont talk much there Fuck you timezones #i will admit the excessive usage of tone indicators in sticktwt seems too much to me but not a huge issue overall #i am but a reserved fucked up aunt of the thsc fandom that ppl seem to rly enjoy the reactions of when they post copperrifht HSGSSGD #i commissioned 5 people to draw copperright i think that's enough to tell the damage done to me by thsc #coping mechanism for when ur sick for a literal month without a day's break 👍 #anyway erm maybe i love u guys what are u gonna do about it #i cannot for the life of me talk in dms without being anxious but tumblr and discord servers are what save my life #i am here but hiding behind a pole cartoon style #gootbye

[avengerclasses]

i love having to reset my game bc the hamper refuses to work. so normal

#skeletxt #everyone is getting big mad abt not having fresh clothes and its not ny fault #its apparently the vacuum dimension of a hamper #also 7 random stacks of dirty laundry fell into the house inventory??

[simonstamenovic]

fate musings

#dennis talking to myself dot png #fate posting #bug bug bug bug bug bug #attack dog new gender but its like we dont even relate to dogs just wanna bite n b sic'd on someone #not ny fault im soooo good (?) at following orders when those orders are make a mess cause chaos kill kill kill

[im-traumatised]

Noooooo my psychologist is moving overseasssss I have to find and change to a new one I wanna cry

#Well she said shes going to find one but man just #Dont wanna switch such a pain gonna have to spend so much time builsing trust again and shit #And its gonna be right at the peak of figuring out what to do with school and like #Still waiting to see what happens with ndis and #Tired bro so tired #Granted it may be good wasnt really making any progress with ny current psyc but gats partially my fault just #Beiny too hesitant to speak about anything and shit but i digress #Maybe they'll finally be in Melbourne and I can try and see them in person to an extent now thatd be nice #AceofDragons #Vent

[lake-lady]

Why are people in NY so mean...I'm out of my native habitat

#im from the midwest where we apologize for everything even if its not our fault lmao #nobody apologizes for SHIT here im not in my native habitat #ny #new york #new york state #midwest #culture

[bthebeachboi]

vent fic? in this fandom? ofc :)

//since I had a bad talk bout going into art n now im thinking bout art block, have some artist California angst <333 bc it will surely help :)))

If you'd ask him, California wouldn't call it weeping, no, he would say that he was just tired and layed on the cold floor, but it was a lie.

Cal couldn't make himself pick up a pen, his hands felt too heavy, his art too ugly, his heart too hurt. He tried to answer to New York who wanted something behind his door, trying to act natural, yet his voice couldn't be let out.

He felt his throat closing tight, like someone held it in a strong grip and all he could do was cry silently like he was learnt to do, never being a bother, never being too loud. His body wasn't shaking, likely because of his lack of energy, just laying there like a mass of meat and light muscles, nothing more. Tears were making his vision blurry but he couldn't feel a thing, everything was so numb.

"California? Are you dead or somethin'?" rough voice called, screaming at this point, making his head hurt. "Okay, I'm going in."

And he did. Cold, gray-ish eyes were looking straight at him, but he only felt shame add into the mix, still not being able to move at all.

"You look like shit."

He choked up, trying to answer so hard that a barely human sound left his body. He opened his mouth, but nothing left again, leaving a lonely silence between them.

"You act like you look, too." New York knew that he tried, right? He knew that he wasn't ignoring him. "I am just here for my stuff, don't talk if ya don't want to."

And after a few seconds, he was alone, the door was closed and his body felt dead and cold. He made NY think he didn't want to talk, so why didn't he try harder?

His hands were in phantom pain when he rolled over and hid his head between his knees, he was so fucking tired.

#cali #angst #idk how to tag it #its like how i feel when burnt out #ya know? #just rambling rat #rat rambles #welcome to the table #welcome to the statehouse #wttt #wttsh #california angst #dont use or i will fight u n win #/j but not really #vent fic #sue me ok i need to get it out #and at least im using it in a way #asshole ny but what else is new #its not his fault he doesnt know #its not a talk so i wont tag it with serious rat tag #your welcome #i cant say a word as im writing it #selectively mute?? ig idk i dont think so #but thats bc i just took out all my feelings on him #poor lil meow meow #artist california #mentioned but eh

[erotetica]

@ yewchube super cringe to a) diagnose me w/ ‘was in a car accident’ and b) pick a treatment of personal injury firm ads w/ GRAPHIC 4K COLLISION DASHCAM FOOTAGE. SIR??? MAAM??? SMAM??? HELLO????

if we’re already in the advertisement panopticon future liberals—no I guess neoliberals do want that. shit. anyway can it at least come with checks/responsibilities?? Fuck!!

#op #it’s literally. the same angles as mine stoooop #it’s Morgan & morgan btw. this has been a doxx #MORON & MORON. #yewchube is someone’s real @ and they hv a bbc Sherlock icon. btw. #revelations on revelations #the ad appearing is YouTube’s algorithm fault but the firm’s also. why make a commercial your target audience will Not Like. bitch. #like I get ads for my physical therapist all of a sudden too. like. fine. fuck you ig. my asshole did not clench for those tho luv #it’s l I t e r a l l y the same. merge>>T-bone. fuckyoufuckyou. #trigger—trigger warning. triggers trigger warning. the wonderful thing about tiggers— #no really how. #collision tw #car accident tw #trigger discussion #OTHER CAR MERGED BAD. FOR THE RECORD. NY PLATE BEEMER MOTHERFUCKER. WHY NYC BITCHES DRIVE LIKE VIN DIESEL ON REFLEX. YOU’RE ON VACATION DUDE #ALSO ITS AN AD ABT A FOOTBALLM’N. YOU HV MORE WORKERS COMP THAN ME FROM THE STADIUM OR WHATEVER GO. FARTHER. #LIKE FROM ME