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bitchesuntitled · 5 months

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Through the Motions

Pairing: Francisco “Catfish” Morales x Reader

Summary: You and Frankie decide to start a family. Regardless of your mental illness and the challenges it faces.

Warnings: Mental health, cussing, pregnancy, bit of angst, comfort, fluffff, pretty much sums it up

A/N: Sooo…. This would be my first fic I’ve ever actually put out for the entire world to read. I used to have several 5 subject notebooks full of fanfic for myself and my cousins to read cause they were the only ones I trusted with that part of my brain. 15 years later and here I am. I had 4 different friends read it before I posted. All of which gave amazing input and helped me with wording, grammar, punctuation, etc. I love you guys!!! @hessofather(knows all about mentally ill pregnancy cause she did that), @jay-zzle(Spanish expert), @bi-panda(help with grammar and punctuation) and Sarah(helped with wording, who needs to get a tumblr)

Special shout out to: @chloeangelic- Thank you for being so helpful to this newbie with your writing advice! You saw this fic before it became what it is now, hopefully it’s still as interesting as you thought it was to begin with @gracieispunk for just telling me to go for it! ❤️❤️❤️

HERE GOES IT! 🫣

Masterlist

At the time you felt like this was a good idea, that you were strong enough to handle it, that it would get better as time went on. Except now you’re not so sure.

*****

It was your idea first, trying for a baby and Frankie was ecstatic. You’d discussed kids before but it was always in a wishful way, too nervous to stop the meds to actually try. Late one night while in bed you decide to talk about it once more.

“What if you can’t handle my episodes?”

“Such as…” He asks moving on his side propping up his head with his fist.

“Well… I’m kinda, actually no, I’m crazy without meds. You haven’t had to experience that side of me but other people have. I had so much rage in me all the time, I would snap in an instant at the smallest of things, there were days I couldn’t even get out of bed. I almost lost my job at one point.” You say rubbing your face trying not to think of the past without meds. He moves your hands and cups your cheek turning your head towards him.

“Hey now, we don’t have to do this. It’s up to you. I’d love it if we could have a version of you and me out in this world but it’s not a necessity if you don’t want to. I’m still going to be here whether we decide to do this or not”

“Oh god, the manic episodes! I’ve gotten those under control finally because of the meds but the mania was almost just as bad as the depression! Sooo many bad decisions, honestly surprised I don’t have a kid already. Definitely had a rise in my labido during the manic episodes,” with widened eyes and a panicked look you start to back track “Sorry! I’m so sorry! I’m rambling now.”

“Shhh, we all have a past,” Frankie laughs, shaking his head, “If we’re being truthful here though- if we try for a baby that would be helpful, right?”

You laugh and roll your eyes.

“Yeah, I guess you got me there.”

*****

Thinking about it and doing it are two completely different things. The trying part was definitely fun and then it happened. Those two pink lines happened a lot faster than you were expecting. What now? You have to get off your meds. That’s what you have to do now. It’s really happening. There is now a life growing inside of you. You thought you were ready for this. Mentally trying to prepare yourself for the moment the meds had to stop, the pregnancy hormones and what they’ll do, the changes your body will go through, the mindset you’ll need to have going through this, so much to prepare for. Then the first slip up happens. It took 3 weeks, 3 weeks for the first incident to happen.

“Oh, I see!” You say gritting your teeth, “So I need to have supper ready for you when you get home? Like I’m some 50s fucking housewife?!”

“That’s not what I even said. All I asked was what are we having for supper? I did not mean what are YOU making for supper.” Frankie said as calmly as he could. He never thought his army training would help him in a situation like this. They teach you how to handle dangerous territories, hostile situations, survival, and so much more. But this? No one ever trains you for this. For a hormonal, mentally ill, pregnant lady.

You can feel your face hot from anger turning into one of embarrassment and shame instead. Your bottom lip begins to tremble. You realize your mistake immediately. Not sure if it’s the mental illness or the hormones rushing through your body. It all kinda feels the same right now. Frankie notices the change immediately and rushes towards you.

“Bebé, bebé, bebé,” He says quietly wrapping his arms around you, pushing your head into the crook of his neck. “It’s okay. You’re okay. We’re okay. We’ll get through this just like everything else. I’m here.”

“I hate this!” You sob

*****

Your entire pregnancy you feel as if you’re going through constant loops. The manic and depressive episodes coming in waves. You sense it before it happens, a lot like when you can smell rain before it starts. The only thing is when. When is it going to hit you? Will it be a depressive episode? Where you find it near impossible to even get up but you have to in order to make sure things are ready for this baby. Will it be a manic episode? Where you have so much energy it feels like you’re going to crawl out of your own skin but also in a way beneficial because you can get so much ready for the nursery. Will it be one of sadness, anger, anxiousness? What will it be and can you make yourself stop it? Doubtful, you never can, just like now.

**9 months later**

He plops down at the kitchen table sighing. The baby has finally gone to sleep. After 2 hours of crying there is finally silence.

“What‘s wrong?” Frankie asks

“I don’t know.” you sigh, putting the last bottle in the dish rack to dry.

He can tell something is wrong by your actions. The way you’ve been rigid. You’re so stiff. You’re so tense. You feel on edge about every little thing.

The baby is crying. Needs changed again. The baby is crying. Needs fed again. The baby is crying. Needs soothed again. The baby is crying. When is there time to sleep? So over-stimulated it’s almost too much to bear.

It’s only been 2 weeks since the baby arrived and you’re back on meds finally. As with all things though, it takes time.

“What’s wrong? Hermosa, please tell me.” he asks again

“It’s just one of those days.”

One of those days, the hatred for yourself you feel. Am I a good mom yet? Am I doing everything that needs done? Is there anything I missed? I have to be perfect on the outside. Why am I NOT perfect on the outside? Can I even pretend to be perfect? The internal battle is almost too much. You don’t want to look at him. You don’t want him to see how much your mind is making you suffer because he will see it, he always sees it now.

“Baby, please talk to me!” He pleads

You push yourself off the kitchen sink and finally turn around wrapping your arms around yourself and you know he sees it. Your mind starts racing. He thinks you’re a failure. He wants to give up on you. He doesn’t want to deal with you anymore.

He gets up and takes a step closer, you take a step back. Not ready for the comfort, the consoling, the pity party to ensue. He grabs you before you can get too far away.

“You're an amazing momma. Don’t sell yourself short!”

“Hold on,” You start to remove yourself from him, “I need to get the hamburger out for supper tomorrow.”

He furrows his brows letting you go and sighs, “Will you sit down, please?”

Reluctantly you sit down and your mind starts racing and panicking again. Why does he want me to sit? Why did he sigh? Is he mad at me? Did I do something wrong?

The baby monitor goes off and you start to get up again

“Stop, sit. I got this. Stay here.”

So you sit. You sit at the kitchen table with your mind spiraling and wondering what to expect next. Can he change the diaper? Can he make the bottle if the baby needs feeding? Can he soothe the baby to go back to sleep? What does the baby need?

You hear the crackle of the monitor

“Momma is so tired, isn’t she? She needs a break sometimes. She takes such good care of you while I’m at work.“ the baby starts to wail louder, that must be the getting diaper changed cry, “Oh yes, I know mi vida, it’s so cold and momma does it better but daddy is here and can do it too.” Low and behold you are correct!

The baby stops crying. Soothed for now. Who knows how long it’ll be before they’re awake again. Frankie comes back to the kitchen.

“Mi amor, we should get to bed.”

You nod while he grabs the baby monitor then your hand, in a daze you let him lead you to the bedroom. He helps you change your clothes for the first time in three days. Frankie grabs your brush, he gently brushes til the knots are out of your hair and he puts it in a bun the way you like. He grabs you around the waist and guides you into the bed. Laying there together, he’s whispering words of praise to you, “Eres hermosa, you’re a good momma, you’re perfecto for me and our baby” placing soft kisses to your neck with each phrase, and then you hear his soft snoring. With silent tears falling down your face you finally start to drift off to sleep, you suddenly remember you forgot the hamburger meat. You try to move but with Frankie’s warmth and tight grip surrounding you you easily give up, guess there is always tomorrow.

#pedro pascal characters #pedro pascal fanfiction #frankie morales #frankie catfish morales #reader fic #i’m new to this #be kind #white girl doing Spanish #angst #comfort #fanfic writing #fanfiction #fanfic #fluff #pedro pascal #y/n fics

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omgkalyppso · 4 months

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I posted this before but deleted it both because I was embarrassed and because I was worried I'd severely fucked up Astarion's age for the nth time, originally referenced from This Post. But I've seen many more analyses and I think it's right. I think it is. Anyway!

EDIT: I DID GET HIS AGE WRONG because that is the post I meant to reference. But I'm not fixing it. 232.

I was tagged by @luinen-bluewater to complete this far simpler ship meme: otp, ot3/4.

Here is the template I actually used: ot3. Here's the otp version.

I'll tag a few people to complete any of the templates referenced: Luinen, @the-eldritch-it-gay, @vlwv, @tadpole-apocalypse, @boghermit, @lemonbronze, @littleplasticrat and YOU.

I'll put the above image chopped up below the cut so it's easier viewing for the curious. And I'll ramble a bit more (bg3 spoilers, discussion of vampirism and character deaths).

In my headcanons, Astarion neither remains a spawn nor becomes the Vampire Ascendant, he becomes a vampire, and some hundreds of years later he turns Étoile to a vampire as well (this post / these headcanons need reviewing after the epilogue changes with the Crown, but we'll see).

With this in mind, I was thinking of Halsin being the longest of their lovers and how Étoile could possibly handle his death:

Étoile and Astarion occupied on some adventure / business or other, and when they return, an unaffected or perhaps impatient messenger has come to deliver news of Halsin's death. And it is so long after the others of their relevant, initial, adventuring party has passed (or maybe not. Lae'zel is a wild card (no aging on the astral plane)). Still, i can imagine one of them snapping. I think it's more interesting if it's Étoile, saying aloud that the messenger is mistaken, that surely the message is that Halsin's ill and is calling to see them a final time — Astarion's near shouting in embarrassment and worry, telling the messenger to go, calling Étoile's name, grabbing their arm until Étoile says loudly that they heard them. They heard what they said. And also sends the poor messenger away.

But then I started considering an alternative which I felt was ooc for Halsin from the base game but which I think is more possible / within the scope of his character after the addition of the epilogue. Reminder that Étoile is a paladin of the neutral evil goddess Auril, started bg3 as neutral good but whom I consider neutral evil, and is an Oathbreaker by the end of their adventure:

Halsin at like 820 or older, life expectancy 700-1000, veering wildly between peace with the natural order of things and intense discomfort with things that feel unfinished, the way they always do. And sometime with Étoile leaned against his chest he speaks of Silvanus, the Oakfather, of children and elders in all families of creatures have come and gone, of how his druidic order has changed more slowly than a tree spreads its roots, and how never in all that time did Étoile ask him to abandon his god and his (god's) comfort for the sake of vampirism and eternity. Fondly, expecting Halsin to imagine it an irritation after his speech, Étoile recalls that Astarion did, three hundred or so years ago. Étoile points out that they know the comfort they found in their worship, and they would never have sought to steal that from him (Halsin). To be a vampire is unnatural, lost to his Oakfather. Halsin points out that he has felt that Étoile has wanted to ask before, even if it has always remained unsaid, in the emptiness in their chest (lack of heartbeat), in the slant of their mouth when his (Halsin's) movement is broken with age, in how they've (Étoile has) breathed in his silver hair the more it's overcome him, something that felt respectful once, but now he's past where his end should have been, and the temptation of rekindling old strengths, the hope of another thousand years, through vampirism, shames him (Halsin) greatly. The selfishness of an old mind. Why wouldn't it have felt like a possibility a hundred years ago, two hundred, more? How could he dare to think of continuing a protection of his forest, of caring for his kin, if he lost all connection to them, and even fears what makes them the same in their morality so much that he would dare forsake it. If he was going to lose his faith, why wouldn't he have done so when he was younger and different, except that he was stronger then, in body and in mind. And yet what difference would there be, feasting upon the wild in the woods? And Étoile would be blunt about the differences, and about how there are even laws now, that they helped put in place. "They" could punish them both greatly for this, but the transformation itself would be their shared shame. He could be their first spawn, and perhaps their only, but if he wanted this now — that it was no corruption of age, just a changed heart. And they would happily accept him into their home if all beasts and men turned from him as a decree from his Oakfather -- but he would have to be sure, because the fallout could be immeasurable. Étoile would try to do it permissably, but they would turn Halsin in secret, if need be. And what if "they" were like. fucking no???? and to ensure you don't do this thing we're going to keep you sealed, either in an area or in a fucking coffin until your druid has passed. (Astarion would lose his fucking mind.)

Abbreviated:

Halsin: what if i've lived long enough to see myself become the villain. Étoile: well my ship has sailed, and you know, if i meet you in hell then it's not hell

I think though that Halsin's village would have warm, clean shelters under the ground, just below the surface as if to shelter from storms, but well-used and familiar to vampires after years of shared knowledge and resources. They'd be glad to claim him.

OH! And Étoile's birthday is Oct 20th (their date of creation during early access was Oct 20 2020), I gave Astarion Sept 22nd (first day of autumn), and Halsin May 13th (he seems like a Taurus and I figured he'd be worn and irksome about having a birthday that often falls on a day associated with bad luck (Friday the 13th)).

#long post #oc tag: étoile #halsin bg3 #astarion #baldur's gate 3 #baldur's gate 3 spoilers

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rattytaffy · 27 days

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So iv slowly been working on a The Sun and Moon Show fic.

I've been on the fence about posting anything of it all. Mostly due to the fact I cant edit for spelling in google docs any more and my spelling is HORRIBLE!!!!

However a good friend convinced me to try anyway.

However on that note I am a newer TSAMS fan and am no ware near caught up with it. I have only gotten to "Eclipse's SAD ORIGIN STORY in VRCHAT" and am trying to avoid to many spoilers. I also have stayed largely away from the fandom for that reason This story starts after Luner gets his own body but before blood moon dies. This fic is about magical humanoid versions of Sun and Moon and Eclipse (security breach) seeking out TSAMS Moon for help. After this TSAMS Sun and Moon wind up mixed up in a second Celestial family's drama. OCs will be used when necessary to fill empty rolls. The fic is under the cut. If anyone finds it interesting ill try to continue it and probs post it to my AO3 when i have time and energy. I also very much need help finding a title for this >.<

It was quiet for the moment. Lunar had his own body and was doing rather well, killcode was active but had made a deal with moon. Sure there creator said something about a sister named earth showing up at some point, but she hadn't yet. Blood Moon was a problem and potentially Eclipse but it was unsure if he was even out there any more.

There where problems yes but at the moment they were not in Suns face and he had a moment to do the daycare cleaning he had not had the time to do in detail. Yes a quiet day to clean and record some videos was exactly what he needed

SHOMSH

Sun Fliped around to the ball pit as the tell tail sound of an interdental portal opening. Moon was home Luner was home. who the hell could be coming threw there?

in the ball pit where two largely human looking figyers. they looked alot alike as they clung to each other. One had golden hair and clear crystals floating in the air around his heads like suns rays. the other had white hair, blue crystal rays that had orbs and crescents at there bottom. Both looked haggard as they held each other. They stood even hunched over weekly taller then any human hell they were tall enough standing strait they were as tall as Sun. there skin was an inhuman color the one with golden hair and clear crystal rays looked like his body was made of tarnished gold, the other with the blue crystal rays looked to be made of silver. There facial features were largely human and if Sun where to guess they seemed to be in there early 20's

The one with blue crystals looked at sun "Is there a Moon here? one with magic?" his tone was desperate bordering on panic

"I'm not answering that untell I know who you are!" Sun answered coming over the barrel with the gun hidden in it in his hand

"I'm Eclipse, this is my brother Sun. There's dimensional counterparts to us here" the one with blue crystals explained watching as the robot Sun stiffen at that "Please our brother Moon is sick and dying. WE need another Moon with magic to help him" The not human not seeming to be there Eclipses counterpart Eclipse begged.

"Well I'm Sun, " Robot Sun said looking skeptical

"Thank fuck" The not robot Sun said stumbling forward and nearly falling untell Eclipse grabbed him "Please at least let us talk to him." The not robot Sun's voice became high pitched with strain.

"how can he help with your moon" Robo Sun asked skeptically

"I want to know that to" Moon, the robotic one, Said as he landed from his jump off the balcony. It was rare another version of him or Sun came by.

Not Human Sun looked at Robot Moon like a man offered water in a heat wave. "His magic has become completely unstable. Only another Moon with magic can stabilize it it."

"Please this is the last jump we can make" begged the Not Human Eclipse

"What happens if i don't?" Robot Moon asked. He knew he probably would go help but it was best to have all the info you could. Not Human Eclipse looked sick and stuttered some before Non Human Sun took charge "We end his suffering and seal the magical wounds left in me and Eclipse before we fall ill to"

"Please" begged the Not Human Eclipse "We don't want to lose our brother" Robot Moon sighed "Fine Suns coming with me" "Thank you" Said Not Human Eclipse "Its a big jump but we have an anchor at our uncles house to make it easier" "Most of our family is there but they won't bother you while you work" Not Human Sun assured them The home was despite the oppressive air of dread, cozy. The walls were painted with abstract murals wherever a shelf or hanging display for knickknacks wasn't. There were large windows but each was covered with a blackout curtain. The many lamps were all low bathing the space in a soft warm light that wasn't really strong enough to read in. It was clear under normal circumstances this home would be welcoming and easy to relax in.

However in this moment the comfortable couches were taken up by more creatures like the Not Human Sun and Eclipse all with there heads hung. One with wrinkled dress shirt on and black slacks stood from his spot between two much younger members of his species. He looked a lot like Not Human Sun with crystal rays that spun around his head those his seemed to be made of amber rather then clear. His skin looked like Bronze and his four arms were folded close to his body clearly from nerves "Oh thank fuck" he said his voice tiered and gravelly "I'm guessing your the Moon?" The Humanoid that was sitting next to the one that got up launched to his feet. This one was small and short probably no more then 5 foot with a singular large crescent crystal in light blue floating over his head. His blond hair was a mess and he was so shyly sunk into his huge sky blue hoodie it was hard to see much of him. "You found another Moon who can help?" he asked desperately the voice just like Luner's "Luner lets not get in there way" Said the other Not Human this one with liquid gold shaped into ray shaped points. Robot Sun looked at this one in fear as he realized this sounded like there Eclipse... If he hadn't gone threw puberty yet. This one was taller then the Luner with black hair and skin that looked like copper. The Not Human Luner glared at him. "Soler is right Luner" said a truly massive one of these beings. With 6 arms standing easily taller then Robot Sun or Moon even while sitting. He was dressed all in black and sounded much like a very tiered KillCode. In his arms was a small child of there species dressed in red with several spinning star shaped smooth crystals that were a blood red. The child couldn't be more then 7 and was simply refusing to let go of the larger beings coat. The Not Human Luner rolled his eyes but went to sit back down led by Soler.

The one with rays and four arms sighed deeply and looked at the last being in the room. This one also four armed but was distinctly fem with a set of swooping crescent horns going down the back of her silver hair. "Let me take the other Moon to see ours Albedo. You comfort Furry and our Nephews" Albedo sighed and his four arms dropped to the side. "Alright Lune." he turned to Robot Sun "Come sit with us ill enplane what i can while your Moon works" Robot Sun looked nervously at his Moon Robot Moon shrugged and followed Lune up stairs while sun went to sit with the other. The Not Human Sun and Eclipse had already stumbled to a free couch and simply collapsed in it.

Lune opened a door at the top of the homes stairs. It was a bedroom and completely dark. On the bed was what Moon didn't need to be told was his counterpart in this world. The being had porcelain like skin that was off color like it was sick. Long black hair tangled with the feathers of raven wings that twitched slightly sometimes. The being had one crescent with and orb between its points. They weren't floating however just kinda flopped on the pillow. Robot Moon could feel the magic gushing out of the Not Human Moon like an arterial wound. "You must enter his mind with magic, Find him and stabilize his magic. Model it after your own, but if he insist something goes some ware do so. You have one chance Moon, but once your magic connects with this Moon it should stabilize him for however long you need to work." Lune said softly "Should you be able to do this all of us will be in your debt" Robot Moon nodded becoming more and more horrified at watching a version of himself so sick "yah I got it from here" Lune nodded and left the room quietly shutting the door behind her "Better get to work" Muttered Robot Moon as he reached out to the other Moon casting the spell to enter his mind.

The other Moons mind was a haze of dark clouds. In the center sat the being his hair in his face shoulders shaking in sobs. Before him a large low table colored green with dozens of little colorful blocks no bigger then the wooden kind you would give a toddler scattered over the table, the other moon and the foggy ground below. "Hay" said Robot Moon

Slowly the other Moon looked up and for a brief moment hope flashed in his eyes. His brothers had done it his brothers had managed to find another Moon and one with magic.

The Robot Moon sat across from the Not Human Moon. Up close it was clear the beings hair was matted, tears streaked his face. His shoulders where slumped in defeat and sorrow. "So they found one?" "Clearly" Said Robot Moon "What's all of this" he gestured to the blocks scattered about "Its a metaphorical manifestation of my magic" the other Moon said weekly picking up what looked like a minecraft grass block. "It looks like a minecraft diorama" Robot Moon said picking up a block. Like someone hitting a gong magic reverberated for a second hard between them.

Slowly other Moon took a deep breath starting to relax. "Eh magic can appear in weird ways in the mind. Though I'm guessing MineCraft is your worlds version of CraftyBlocks" "That is such a dumb name" Robot Moon said setting the grass block down on the table where it felt right. The block glowed slightly and seamlessly attach itself to the table. "Of course MineCraft isn't much better"

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strayheartless · 4 months

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I have more Babyroth/ First babys things bouncing round my head. So here have whatever this is:

Based on this post

I think I should make it clear that these version of ASG will grow up different. They are still integrally them but without the angst and the jealousy. Sephiroth for one, doesn’t speak the same. He’s a little less formal and up tight. He’s still quite well spoken but Sephiroth “seph” Lockhart Strife is far more likely to yell “WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK GENESIS?!?” When something goes wrong.

Genesis is far less confrontational. He’s still a pyromaniac don’t get me wrong - Cloud spends his life spraying things with fire extinguishers - but it’s usually cause he’s been messing with materia and it’s an accident rather than he’s mad and wants to burn down the world. He and Seph still get into arguments, but Gen is also far more likely to apologies when he knows he’s wrong.

Angeal is the chillest of the three kids. He likes to garden with his Uncle Barrat and and cousin Marlene; he’s quiet and cuddly; he’s a complete Mamas boy as well. Where Seph grew immediately attached to Cloud, Angeal kind of thinks Tifa can do no wrong. He likes to bake with her and helps her with food orders in the bar a lot.

Bedtime is Clouds domain. Tifa is very clear that yes, she’s their mom but she’s not giving up the bar, and Clouds work Schedule is far more flexible. Usually during the day Tifa entertains them while Cloud pops in and out on jobs, but the clock hits 4:30 pm and they swap places for the night. Cloud also tends to handle getting children out of bed. The way he sees it it he took them on, their his responsibility, Tifa should not have to deal with more than she chooses.

That being said, they are a pretty good team. It would be difficult to wrangle both Seph and Gen if they weren’t. Cloud gets them up; Tifa feeds them; Cloud handles learning; Tifa handles exercise and community work; Cloud makes dinner and introduces new foods; Tifa strong arms them into the bath; Cloud reads to them and gets them to sleep; Tifa makes sure she says good night before she leaves and checks on them when she come in from the bar. It just works for them.

When Angeal and Genesis turn up on the door step Sephiroth is about 16 months old so theirs a bit of an age difference between them that’s a reverse of the original one. He did NOT immediately take to no longer being an only child. Specifically he took umbrage with no longer being Clouds only priority.

This is because Genesis was an extremely sickly infant. They weren’t actually sure if he’d make it at some points. He’s got childhood Asthma -but he grows out of it; he is in a constant struggle to put on weight; he’s diabetic, and occasionally is right kidney just decides to give up for a bit. Vincent has hypothesised that it has something to do with his past (future?) degradation. But it’s later revealed by Tseng that “no, he was that ill as a child originally, Hollander just used to send test drugs to his parents occasionally.”

Angeals a pretty emotional kid. He’s not headstrong and rough like Seph and Gen but he cries pretty easily. As he grows up he’s still pretty easily set off and all cloud can think of is that thinly little ravenette boy who used to shuffle into the living room with his blanket and curl up next to Cloud because he had a nightmare. Clouds gone soft, Sue him.

One of the most memorable childhood incidents between the tree of them is the time Seph got Gens head stuck between the banister rails on the stairs.

Angeal once swallowed a spider and then proceeded to panic himself in to throwing up on the kitchen floor.

4 year old Seph is of the opinion that Cloud is “older than God” to which Cloud replies “it’s the stress of looking after three cracked out racoon children, it adds years to your face.”

Genesis tells the kids at school not to be mean to him because he’s uncle Vincent is a vampire and will “eat your liver with white wine sauce”. Vincent does not deny this when asked about it by a teacher at pick up time… yet nor does he confirm it. Everyone is unnerved.

Angeal insists on pulling up garden weeds and hiding them in his bed. Cloud is tired of explaining that plants are for pots ore the garden NOT for beds!

Yuffie likes to play a game when she comes to visit it’s called “did Cloud say this to his children or his dog?” Her favourite is “please do not lick the screen door, I just cleaned it!” He did not say it to the dog.

To answer Salty’s question no Zack and Aerith do not come back in this AU, mostly because they both found peace with each other. But also because they were not crack head evil lab experiments in their previous lives. Angeal gets added on the technicality that he did a lot of shit while being “conflicted by honour”

#ffvii #cloud strife #genesis rhapsodos #crisis core #sephiroth crescent #angeal hewley #babyroth #babyroth au #follow up #parent cloud #parent Tifa #crack head children #non traumatised kid Seph has zero filter #tifa lockhart

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sigmashuffle · 7 months

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I have a question!! So I’m a long-time BSD enjoyer but I haven’t read nearly as much of the manga as I would like. I’ve seen all of the anime though, most of it multiple times through. I didn’t realize until looking at the comments on Danny Motta’s video at how much people fucking hate Fukuchi and his sword. Up until this point I’ve thought it’s cool as hell and he, along with the sword, bring something kinda new and fun to the series.

HOWEVER, I know BSD is FAR from perfect and there’s a lot of dumb shit that faithful manga readers have a better perspective on. Would you mind explaining why Fukuchi and the sword are such a sore point? I hope this isn’t too much to ask. I just really want to know.

Hi anon! Its not too much to ask at all!

Unfortunately the answer to that is best explained in the context of ALL the issues I have with the manga/show so... this is going to be v long... and im done giving this show more credit than it deserves but don't take it that seriously lol I hesitate to even consider my pov to be on par with the average manga reader but ig we'll see how my opinions hold up after i post

And disclaimer: I don't mind answering this but ONLY with the context that this is 100% my opinion (as of late, bsd as a whole has just been REALLY bugging me so im just gonna take this opportunity to explain my gripes since most of them apply to or tie greatly into fukuchi's character/design/motivations/development)

I simply don't want anyone to come for my head bc of anything I say here tho, bc I feel like I may disagree with a large portion of the fanbase but WITH THAT SAID...

***from this point forward there will be a few spoilers from s5e11***

Here are my gripes with BSD...

1. BSD and its "magic system"?

bsd powers suffer from what i like to call a "lack of scope"

granted this could be due to the fact the story isnt complete HOWEVER im sure any anime fan can tell you this story doesnt feel like it is leading anywhere its just... going... (ill get to the awful pacing later)

for comparison sake im going to also talk about The Case Study of Vanitas since it is the world I have the most experience in

what does BSD not have that VNC does?

simply put, the magic system doesnt reinvent itself character to character

in VNC if you have an ability it is EXCLUSIVELY connected to "manipulations of the world formula" which is essentially elemental control (fire, ice, gravity, etc.) based on a sci fi version of chemistry (alchemy, if you will) and this rule applies to EVERY CHARACTER in VNC

its a structure that starts developing from the beginning

BSD however introduces a WHOLE NEW magic system for each character

some character abilities are similar, yes, and can be classified as such, but many cannot be classified

again a magic system doesnt NEED to have strict rules (its actually more boring that way if the rules are too simple) but it DOES need RULES... and solid ones

otherwise its tempting to use the MAGIC system to fill in PLOT RELATED gaps

and if that system isnt defined, well, to me that looks like lazy/sloppy/illogical writing

if you like the whiplash of not knowing whats gonna happen next, fine, (i did for awhile too!) up until the unpredictability started to come from powers that as a whole look like an authors way of trying to write themselves out of their own plot hole

ie: time travel

specifically time travel that isnt introduced FROM THE BEGINNING...

2. Fukuchi and his "deus ex machina" sword

time travel is NOTORIOUSLY difficult to pull off and especially by my standards

I have watched Doctor Who since 2008, before I even knew what tumblr was I was doing my own solo fandom stuff (basically just watching a LOT of youtube video essays) but basically I have high standards when it comes to time travel in stories

Amenogozen has the POTENTIAL to be a great weapon if used in a logical context... but theres one thing the sword (and BSD as a whole) does not follow

RULES

time travel is TRICKY mostly bc it has consequences... in BSD fukuchi gives nothing in exchange for his powers

lets even toss time travel aside for the moment

what is Fukuchi's innate special ability? Mirror Lion... (read below)

its essentially an attack multiplier of x100 at CLOSE RANGE

lets say your average untrained human punch is 150psi (pounds per square inch) which is the pressure equivalent of a point 100m below the surface of the ocean...

with Mirror Lion's multiplier you get 15,000psi which would be 10,000m or 10 kilometers

a pressure equivalent to the deepest part of the ocean (i dont need to remind you how powerful water is... we all know about oceangate)

MY POINT IS HE'S OVERPOWERED AS FUCK

dont even get me started on his motivations too

im glad we got backstory for him in ep 11 and im sure we are just supposed to sum up his motivations into "he was willing to pay the high price for world peace" but tbh royally fuck that

dont TELL me thats what he believes

PROVE to me how you made that conclusion

also the only reason he even dies is becasue he wants fukuzawa to kill him... we dont have any sense of accomplishment for stopping his scheme because NOW the scheme has been PLOPPED right into fukuzawa's lap which fukuchi intended to do from the start... apparently

and this seemingly retroactive decision-making is a problem A LOT of bsd characters have, especially the one and only character i hate THE MOST... *drumroll*

3. Osamu fucking Dazai

oh boy...

I have thought long and hard about Dazai... im not going to lie, after ch109 and ep10 I was about to admit Dazai might actually have grown on me BUT

this was all erased after 6 minutes into ep11 when he was confirmed to indeed NOT be dead

Dazai just *knows* everything thats gonna happen

Chuuya was never a vamp... he knew this... and somehow his ENTIRE escape plan was just hinging on that? bc yknow... hE kNeW fRoM tHe bEgiNniNg

OSAMU DAZAI IS A PLOT DEVICE USED *ONLY* TO FILL IN NARRATIVE HOLES

HE IS A WAY TO FORCE PROGRESS ON A STORY WITHOUT EVER GIVING A REAL EXPLANATION

HIS CHARACTER IS AN INSULT TO INTELLIGENCE

His character is paper thin, with motivations that do not translate to his actions

and frankly... im tired of it...

additionally... if sigma doesn't survive, all of Meursault was literally useless... so why pick him for nikolai's prison break game?

even if he does, it means the ONLY thing we get out of the arc is information about fyodor... as to WHAT information, who knows... but regardless, a villain arc that has been going on for TOO GODDAMN LONG (40 chapters?) should have a resolution that isnt "i knew what was gonna happen all along"

we spent the whole time being SHOWN that fyodor and dazai were of equal intelligence levels... or at least higher than what dazai was used to dealing with

if dazai could just predict shit like this from the beginning why was fyodor a villain for so long? makes ZERO sense, dazai would've defeated him AGES ago... what makes THIS time any different?

also... why is he even suicidal? yeah ok the author was... but like... why make it such a present character trait?... so we can fake kill him over and over? idk

can you tell i dislike him?

4. THEORY vs PRACTICE

I am a "show dont tell" girlie

ALL BSD DOES IS "TELL TELL TELL" ...its infuriating

almost every power/special ability has an element of "trust me bro" ok SOME OF THEM DONT but most of them do

ie: atsushi is a tiger (what does that even mean), kenji gets strong when he's angry (ok hulk?), and THIS JUST IN we STILL don't know how fyodor's ability works... and now he's DEAD?... we also dont know almost any detail about sigma's ability and he might ALSO be dead

but thats only regarding abilities...

when it comes to writing stories using people of high intelligence it is VERY difficult to not get into the aforementioned "trust me bro" mindset which BSD does REPEATEDLY

im not listing off every example but off the top of my head is one scene from s4...

ranpo explains his plan for saving yosano loosely involved "replacing the engine [of an armored vehicle] with an electric motor and playing engine sounds over the speakers so no one noticed" ...and only i can pick this claim to shreds lol (i engineer electric vehicles for a living) but this is so wrong on so many levels...

Internal combustion engines and Electric motors are IN NO WAY EQUIVALENT

ranpo would never be able to power a vehicle the size of an armored truck with a motor that he installed an hour before the truck was put to use... he just wouldnt... the vehicle is too big... ugh *facepalm*

and dont even get me started on batteries...

MY POINT IS

if you want to write some *genius move* at least TRY to do some research to make the action believable

thats like saying "oh yeah i ran out of gas so a threw a couple AA batteries into my gas tank until i could make it to the station"

BUT THAT WOULDNT FLY BECAUSE MOST PEOPLE KNOW THATS NOT HOW CARS WORK

*sigh*

5. Manga Readers' POV

the.chapters.are.too.short

especially for a monthly released manga

i am relatively new to anime and manga... like late 2020, so I am part of the "new gen" I guess you could say so i know i dont have any right to complain about pacing in comparison to like... the dressrosa arc of One Piece

with that said, not enough in bsd BUILDS on itself

it all feels like a self "one-up"

its been too long since any of my large questions have been answered

honestly its rare that any of my questions are ever answered because the narrative rarely follows logical progression anyway and any scenes thats ARE useful are cut from the anime

characters do not *develop* their powers, they just simply ARE

whatever ability you are born with limits what you can do and thats that... which leads me to...

6. Types of Ability Users

the most coherent thing i think i can speak on so this will be short lol

there are 3 types... i think (excluding lightnovels, i have not read 15, Stormbringer, or any others)

(1) natural abilities (ones that can be nullified by dazai or stolen like in Dead Apple)

(2) human/god fusions (chuuya) -> but this can ALSO be nullified???

(3) when an ability isnt an ability (it CANT be nullified) -> ie: whatever the fuck Lovecraft is

Sigma -> ??? (he could be part of the natural ability category but like... it feels weird to put him there)

but... there is never a comparison between these types so im not even sure of this "list" is exhaustive

this is just another way the story is leaving open ways to dig itself out of a plot hole... which isnt fun... bc now there are no stakes... there are no rules... its disorganized chaos where anything can happen

everyone will always be fine because there is a way out of everything

and thats BORING... and for me, downright infuriating

fukuchi likely falls into the first category... but then again he's also using a tool from another ancient ability user... so does he even fit there?

7. Anime Adaptation

rushed

RUSHED

and i know why...

BSD is so thin on STABLE plot the story would feel like its dragging if Bones wasn't animating at the pace they are (see Manga Readers' POV)

so to try and counteract the feeling that nothing is happening they are cutting "irrelevant" scenes BUT ALSO important portions relevant ones (ie: aku's death)

do all the plot points from the manga happen? by definition, yes... but the nuance the manga has is lost almost entirely

Atsushi doesn't physically throw an injured Aku's arm over his shoulders... Aku doesn't smile upon his demise... Aku doesn't reach out through the fog of the fire extinguisher (the adaptation of this scene was personally my last straw)

and then we have the new anime content...

why did we tack on an additional fight? zero context... didn't even tie up loose ends from fukuchi like...

is sigma alive?

are chuuya/dazai/nikoali still in france? europe?

is fyodor going to return in some way? (we know nothing of his motives, ability, or MOST importantly, what information did he learn from Sigma??? his ability is an EXCHANGE so why even have that happen if they are both dead anyway?) why would you fucking kill off a character like this

WHAT WAS THE POINT OF THIS ENTIRE ARC??? The mere reason I'm asking this question is, in and of itself, unacceptable

we MAY get an answer later... but its been 20 episodes... why the fuck dont we know anything about the arc we just completed? ...ludicrous

Final Thoughts

BSD does not have enough reliable rules in its magic system to form a solid foundation of... anything

Fukuchi is a disjointed character trying to do too many things at once, he doesn't have solid motivations, and his arc provides more questions than it answers

Osamu Dazai is not a character... he is a plot device used like a saving throw in DND

BSD frequently insults my intelligence to cover it's ass in its storytelling

being a manga reader is like taking 30 days to rip off a tiny band aid... the pacing is unbearable

even with the end of fukuchi's arc now known, there was no sense of accomplishment in defeating him bc technically we didnt… he gave himself up... so the sword was just to make him overpowered... it was pointless

the anime adaptation was rushed, scenes cherry picked, and plot narratively thinned into water... there was no depth this season

In my opinion...

There are very few redeeming characteristics about BSD now

The few meaningful scenes we do get in the manga are overwritten by later context that negates any emotion initially associated with the scene

even with the end of fukuchi's arc now known, there was no sense of accomplishment in defeating him bc technically we didnt... he gave himself up

Dazai is the worst written character I have ever read

It is very likely i drop this story entirely

If I seem salty/upset/etc. its because I am. However is NOT directed at you, it is simply a manifestation of my disappointment in this story.

...

And there you have my opinion... in way too many words... thanks for sticking around if you made it this far im impressed bc i am salty as hell lol

fin

#i hope this helps?#In all seriousness you have likely been following bsd for longer than I have (my first manga chap I had to wait for was ch101 #before then i was anime only #so like... early 2022? i think... this sideblog was born soon after)#long post #bsd discourse #asks #opinion #my post #bsd spoilers #god ok this was in my drafts for a bit #and this post likely got significantly out of hand #however i think i just needed a place to write down my thoughts #these arent even all of them by the way #i could write a whole post on dazai alone #...and not good things

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creativebrainrot · 8 months

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Hi I haven't posted about my baby girl in for-fucking-ever

Maelgwyn has such an interesting relationship with his gender. He uses He/Any pronouns right? Most people default to He/Him for him. He's fine with that, he does enjoy hearing He/Him used for him. But I think if you referred to him by She/Her pronouns, even once, genuinely, in passing it would make him realize so so many things.

He has been forced to be SUCH a hypermasculine version of himself. (His persona as The Desert Beast.) He's wrapped himself in these myths for years, decades even. It takes a lot to unlearn all of the things he's ingrained in himself. He had bad experiences with lovers who thought less of him for being a normal person, entirely because it "wasn't what the beast would be." He internalized so much of that shit.

Everyone who got bored of him, Maelgwyn, because he wasn't what they thought dating "The Desert Beast" would be like. Everyone who thought less of him for crying, daring to have emotions, the absolute audacity he had to. Enjoy, domestic life. Basically. It was not actually a lot of people. Only five or less, which isn't a lot in the grand picture of all of his lovers and hook-ups he's had. But everything they did or said, how they treated him in the short time he knew them, fucked with him.

You call Maelgwyn by She/Her pronouns and he realizes, that he has never been assumed to be feminine at all, not even once in his life. Yet he does, actually, identify with some "feminine traits." All he has ever wanted, was to be someone supportive sweet caring partner. He has just wanted to be someone's golden retriever but every time he acted like that in the past, it was stifled. He was muted, scolded. He never even got the chance to realize what HE even wanted for himself, he had to live in Survival Mode for so so very long.

I think if someone, saw his pronouns, He/Any. Chose to call him by She/Her, she'd break. She has never been assumed to be anything other than the most Manly Man to ever Man, and by GENUINELY without any ill intent, calling her by She/Her, you'd completely rewire her brain. Maelgwyn finally realizes, "You can do what ever you want for ever." She gets to realize that she is in fact still a bisexual nonbinary man, and she does in fact deserve to experience the joy of skirt go spinny, while still being terrifying.

Because here's the thing; The Desert Beast IS Maelgwyn. He shares the traits associated with the desert beast because they are NOT two different people, the myths are based off of him after all. BUT. He's spent so so so long playing the exaggerated version of himself, that he's lost sight of who he is underneath the myth. He IS his persona but his persona is a version of all of himself that's been played up, to the point that Maelgwyn feels like he is actually nothing like the beast at all. The Desert Beast is an entirely different guy in his head. (For a long while, he doesn't think like this in present time.) But like. No? That's still Maelgwyn. He just. ough. He's got SUCH a complicated relationship with himself & his legendary bounty hunter title & persona.

He IS a flirt, he is charismatic when he wants to be, he is dangerous, ruthless, a good man, a protective man, a quiet man, he is so much and more. But he's fooled himself into thinking that those aren't his traits. They are.

Bit of a tangent. Got distracted a little lol.

He's been playing that exaggerated version of himself for so long that he forgot to think about what he wanted or even liked to feel. In fact one of his biggest flaws is never actually processing his emotions. Trahearne helps him with this, in the most delicate way possible. But he helps. Gwyn is, better, about handling his emotions in present time but he's still. Not, good. At it.

He still hates flowy fabric, they make him feel like he's naked. He needs his armor, that's his safety. The weight of it. It feels right. Normal fabrics are BadFeel for him. He'd still own a cute goth dress or two after "The SheHer Gender Moment."

And the absolute panic that would set into his very bones and soul upon his first fearful thought after this Gender Moment, "what if this is the breaking point?" He's so so so tiney and small about being loved, you have no idea. He is such a little tiney scarred scared feral kitten when in love, even after THREE decades of loving Trahearne and being loved back he STILL has that worry set so deep within him that he'll never be enough. He'll never be worth staying for. He will never truly honestly be wanted back by someone he loves.

Which, logically, is a silly thought for the grey morals bounty hunter to have about his grey morals boyfriend who was fine with the long long history of bounty hunting for blood money thing. I mean. Trahearne didn't bat an eye when Maelgwyn invited him to his VIP room in a local syndicate den for their FIRST REAL DATE. so. I think it's okay babe. The wearing a dress and using she/her sometimes, probably, won't be what does it.

But that trauma is so deeply embedded in him that that first thought sets off so so many more in the exact same vein of worry.

Trahearne notices. He comforts. He reassures. He, another guy who's totally comfortable with GenderFuckery, probably even suggests, "We can just. try things. slowly." Trahearne of ALL motherfuckers is NOT gonna be the one that makes fun of Maelgwyn for this, absolutely not.

It's such a slow process of Maelgwyn so very very gently warming up to new things and trying them out. Slow motion pace. He is babygirl to me. I love her. im giving her the entire goddamn world and kissing her on the forehead about it. he is my fucking blorbo ultimate.

#gw2 ocs #gw2 #oc: maelgwyn (he/any)#ocposting #creativelyrottedmind #sylvari #guild wars 2

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ladysqueakinpip · 3 months

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bodrum - betrayal, break, failure amytis - desire, fear, ghost

bodrum

betrayal: Has your OC ever been betrayed by someone they thought they could trust? Has your OC ever betrayed someone who trusted them?

not solely bo, i realize, but their whole group was betrayed by the past/present day versions of one of their exiles. bo is obviously included in this. alekah was the closest to this particular exile, so it didn't hit bo terribly hard. otherwise, i can't think of any betrayals on his end! you could argue his poor treatment of amytis early on in their relationship was a betrayal, but i think it's a stretch. that was more of a miscommunication/misunderstanding with no intended ill-will. they worked it out it's fine lmao.

break: What would cause your OC to break down completely? What do they look like when that happens? Has anyone ever seen them at their lowest?

tbh. bo's version of a breakdown would be letting his violent highblood side take the wheel. he's VERY good at keeping a mask and keeping his composure. it's also rly important to him to Keep Up The Facade. at the end of his rope he would let the inner highblood out, and that would really show how little regard he has for his reputation and what little he has to lose. to get to this point i think he would have to be VERY very angry, possibly using his rage to fuel a vengeance quest on behalf of a hurt/captured/killed loved one.

failure: What’s your OC’s greatest failure? Have they been able to move past it? Does anyone else know about it?

one time he asked paatni out (blackrom) and she said no. normal teen woes! he hopes no one knows about it (no one knows about it - paatni wants to forget it happened at all).

amytis

desire: What’s one thing your OC wants more than anything in the world? Are they open with that desire? Why or why not? What would they do to fulfill it?

i would say to find some confidence and self-worth. she's not so vocal about her self-esteem issues (she's embarrassed about it, honestly). thankfully her journey and title in the game help her to reach that point! she doesn't take intentional actions to find it. honestly, she kind of stumbles upon some revelations accidentally after interacting with the creatures in her game.

fear: What is your OC’s greatest fear? What do they do when confronted with it? Are they open with their fear, or do they hide it away?

being left behind and forgotten, i think. it ties back into those self-esteem issues. unfortunately for her she was VERY confronted with it, lol! by both bodrum (accidentally. classic misunderstanding!) and heykel. her first response is usually a gut emotional outburst that leaves her feeling horrible. then she feels embarrassed. she also tries to hide this fear, so whenever she reacts very strongly and negatively to it, especially publicly where others can see, she feels silly and wants to hide away for a while.

ghost: Who or what haunts your OC? What happened? How do they live with their ghosts?

all of her exes (heykel). i could post all 120+ pages of the tackle fanfic for context but that would be so much. basically he used her for collateral and then dumped her. thanks heykel! he makes enemies left and right. she lives with it by talking about it to her friends, her beloved moirail, and knowing everyone in her immediate circle sides with her on the matter and not with heykel. at least she feels validated LOL.

#oc stuff #lets t-a-l-k-a-b-o-u-t about ocs #its missing the tackle fanfiction hours! again!#i reread it last year and tbh it still slaps #the writing style is a little outdated for me so id like to make some edits #ive been wanting to edit and revamp it for a looong time #on a side note neb i love how you ALWAYS send me gravegarden themed asks without fail #looking DIRECTLY at ghost for amytis #ugh... i love them #the most moirails of all squeaky fantroll cinematic universe-time #MAYBE even more moirails than darvtaf. maybe.#the fact that they dont break up sure puts them in the running LMAO -is shot by both darrvi and taffel point blank-

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archive2394934 · 2 years

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About to share some more of my cringe with you all in regard to two different “discussions” I’ve had with folks on my writing blog about Henry / Vecna, etc because he gave me mental illness. This post is going to be messy, again because I’m too lazy to reformat it but I’ll try my best to make sure its readable. Another dumb rambly post for the Henry Creel fandom only tbh.

First, an analysis of Henry’s actions surrounding Eleven leading up to the lab massacre, prompted by an anon I got who was discussing the fan-theory of Henry possibly being Eleven’s father and said anon saying they think Henry’s more of a “gr*omer”.

I guess it really comes down to whether or not you believe Henry was just trying to manipulate her. I personally don’t believe he was and I think it makes more sense that he wasn’t- or at least his moments of manipulation were not as self serving as people think. I think there's a lot of evidence for this but particularly here are some key moments for me: When we see Henry is “punished” for stepping in and trying to help Eleven, Henry’s reaction to the punishment of Two, Henry’s reaction to Eleven offering to help him in return and the scene with Eleven and Brenner in “papa.”

Like, for me, there had to be a trigger for Henry suddenly escalating in his efforts to help Eleven. If you think about it he’s been there for twenty years, he’s presumably had casual contact with Eleven for about nine of them and while he might have always felt a sense of kinship with her he only started going out of his way to help her at a specific point in time. Like, why? Henry claims the trigger was that he over-heard Brenner and his associates planning to “allow” the other children to attack Eleven and potentially kill her. [ And I want to point out that it seems suggested to us that Brenner was doing this because he wanted to test if Eleven was a worthwhile subject or a dud. Eleven seemed to show a lot of potential in her one-on-ones with Brenner, but when she was in group settings around others she was unremarkable. We can gather this from the way the other children isolate and mock Eleven. This is kind of also an indication of neurodivergence for me with Eleven.]

We see this did actually happen. So Henry can’t have been lying about that. Its noted the cameras were mysteriously turned off during the time Eleven was being attacked. I also think the camera’s being off had to do with Henry’s own assault. He was taken into one of the test rooms and had the hell beat out of him while Brenner watched. Why? What where they doing that for, it couldn’t have been ethical or something you want to record for everyone to see. What did Henry say or do that made Brenner decide he needed a pummeling? Obviously he interfered in a way Brenner didn’t like. He might have even spoke against Brenner’s plan to let the other subjects ambush her. They may have been beating him so he couldn’t intervene. Because, like, while Henry was going through this Eleven suddenly gets jumped by the other test subjects who were let out of their rooms for some reason at the same time. Henry can’t be lying because once again his version of events is shown outside of his own POV. Eleven didn’t fight back and survived the initial attack, and Brenner “punished” two further exasperating Two’s hate for and competition with Eleven which could easily escalate things further. Henry mentions Brenner was manipulating the other subjects so its likely Two was receiving signals to encourage him to hurt Eleven outside of just being shown up by her and I completely believe Eleven was at risk of being attacked again and possibly killed. I also think the way Two acts in the scene leading up to his punishment kind of suggests he thought he was doing the right thing. The way his demeanor instantly changes from kind of proud to fearful and confused the minute Brenner reprimanded him was interesting to me.

As far as Henry goes the canon seems to show that Henry tried to guide Eleven toward success because he empathized with her as a lonely child who was mocked and isolated from others which we saw. He straight up tells her she reminds him of himself. We know Eleven is mostly on her own. Shes shy and she lacks confidence. The other children make fun of her. We saw all that. Henry empathized with this and wanted to help her with her powers but he realized this was a mistake because Brenner saw the test subjects as lab-rats first and humans never. No one was exempt to this, no matter how talented they were. Showing talent didn’t mean safety and Brenner makes a point of emphasizing this in the scene where he “punishes” Two. You can see Henry’s reaction to this is one of fear, discomfort and concern. This resonates badly with Henry, probably for a lot of reasons but we def get to see that reaction out of him for a reason. It backs up a lot of things, particularly what he said about wanting to help Eleven but only making it worse. In the test scenes previous to this we DID see Henry helping Eleven and if you pay attention to Brenner whenever he is in the room with Henry, Brenner is noticing Henry’s “friendship” with Eleven as well and as a result he starts taking a greater interest in Eleven himself. ( I took pics of the scenes here for y’all to see what I mean )

So to me this means Brenner saw the potential in Eleven thanks to Henry’s attempts to help her show this in a way without having to hurt her. Brenner’s approach however was to force more out of her so he could study it further. This doesn’t seem off to me with all of Brenner’s other behaviors and the characters general MO. And as a side note I think its interesting that in the scene where the children are undergoing testing Brenner gives conflicting advice to what Henry gives when it comes to harnessing their powers. Henry tells Eleven to use emotion, Brenner advises against it but off tangent a little, I plan to kinda go over that bc I think it links a little to my theory about the mind-flayer but for now I think it empathizes how Brenner’s approach to guiding the children with their powers was very clinical- meaning he’d see nothing wrong with creating a stressful/high pressure environment to force a subject to react in a way that might draw those power’s out further for his own goals. He was a psychiatrist and a scientist after all. That was ahead of everything else. I also think it shows that while Brenner wanted to see “power” from the subjects, he also didn’t want them to be too powerful and he surely didn’t want them to know how powerful they could actually be. By putting Eleven in a situation where her survival instincts are forced to take over, Brenner can force a lot out of her without Eleven having a completely concisions knowing of how and what gave her that power boost. Therefore Brenner gets what he wants, but keeps his test subjects in the dark of their own power and the way to access it, thus keeps them manageable. Henry on the other hand worked out exactly how to channel his powers, formed his own sense of self, and thus he is the only one who has been implanted with soteria and deemed a “failure” to Brenner despite Henry remaining the one subject with the most power and potential.

But anyway, Henry literally risked his life and wellbeing to help Eleven. He escalated from just reassuring her and giving her tips and standing up for her, to full-blown trying to break her out of the facility. Which are the other key parts in figuring out whether Henry was always just manipulating her or he was genuinely trying to save her like he says.

I mean aside from Henry’s own reaction of hurt and confusion when Eleven accuses him of tricking her which I think is also something to consider and that seems to be overlooked to me. Like why did he react with such hurt/confusion if he’s an emotionless monster who planned all of that? Wouldn’t his reaction to this accusation be more of a “lol u got me” instead if that were the case? Henry literally takes Eleven to a place she could escape and sends her on her way. He doesn’t try to stop her, he reassures her that she would be okay and not to be afraid. If Eleven never offered to help him return what would he have done? Stopped her and told her not to go? Literally all Eleven had to do was say “thanks” and crawl into the tunnel as Henry instructed. That seems to be a huge gamble to take if this was all a super carefully planned manipulation and all he planned to do was use her to facilitate his own escape.

Eleven has a good heart and she assumed Henry had to leave with her because he was in extreme danger himself which is the other thing. Henry had no way to know Eleven saw him being tortured which is what ultimately swayed her decision to help him back. He doesn’t make it about him though, he makes it about helping her, its Eleven’s idea based on what she saw to help him in return, something Henry didn’t know about until he had already put HER escape plan in motion.

And of course he takes her offer to help him because why wouldn’t he? Theres no reason he wouldn’t jump at the offer when given to him but theres no way he would know how she would react. Like I said all she had to do was say thanks and crawl into the tunnel. Its an insane gamble to take if it was all just for his own means imo and therefore doesn’t add up. Further, his reaction to the offer came off to me as one of surprise but also an extreme giddy sense of elation to finally be presented with a way out of that nightmare for himself. Something I really think he had probably given up hope of until that moment. For me almost every single thing Henry said to Eleven rings true. From his monologue about how she was nothing but a animal to Brenner and that he had saved her by doing what he did, to him telling her he was glad she was born and that he believes in her. It really seems to me that everything Henry did he did to help her just like he said. Any manipulations in Henry’s actions seems quite minor and well meaning in the grand scheme of things.

Honestly, in a lot of ways Henry parallels Brenner. They are extremely similar in their behaviors but I think Henry becomes an inverted parallel of Brenner as a twist here due to his intentions being much more genuine and benevolent than Brenner's actually were. And I think the scenes in the ep “Papa” emphasize this. Initially, Eleven believes Henry is the monster. She was so young and at the time of their confrontation, Brenner and the other test subjects were the only family she knew. She rejected the truth Henry told her about Brenner not really caring about her but with every experience she’s had since then she starts to realize maybe this was true even if she doesn’t want to at first. In the episode she initially accuses Henry of being the monster, she’s even angry and confused as to why Brenner would allow someone like Henry to be around the children in the first place but throughout the ep this thought process breaks down and she begins to see through all Brenner’s gaslighting and lies and excuses, and starts to believe that no, Henry wasn’t “the monster,” at all, Brenner was.

Henry was ultimately right about everything like it or not. And Eleven tells Henry that he isn't the monster in the piggyback episode. The big tragedy is this realization and validation has come far too late to reach Henry now because overall Henry’s now a supernatural terror who on an absolute mission and Eleven’s still a confused child who has stepped up from being a lab-rat to a super-hero and it turns out that's not the upgrade everyone wants to think it is.

Next I was asked about what I think the clocks have to do with Henry/Vecna by another anon saying they didn’t understand what they had to do with anything basically.

My interpretation of the clocks is BASCIALLY that Henry is very much not a fan of social constructs. Keeping in mind that Henry’s time of living was 50s-80s. If you think the world is an oppressive shit hole now boy do I have news for you; it was a thousand times worse in Henry’s time. Its largely due to social constructs that Henry suffered as he did, as someone who was an outcast to social norms and was unable to completely conform to societies ridged view of right and normal because ists and phobes are still a thing now, they were a lot worse then. “Time” represents humanities greatest social construct of all and clocks symbolize time. Moreover, Henry would practice his psionic abilities on the grandfather clock that existed in his childhood home. He would use his mind to wind the hands back and forth as he wanted. This was a big moment for Henry in my HC because it was the first time he was able to consciously and purposely manipulate a “physical” thing with his powers and also it came with the realization that he could essentially check out of societies expectations of him because he had powers unlike anything else in society. GOING DEEPER AGAIN, I view the clocks as also symbolic of Henry’s imprisonment. He was trapped the Hawkins Lab for 20 years. He spent 20 years of his life just waiting for that nightmare to end. He didn’t know how the end would come, he didn’t know if he would grow old and die or if he would be killed, or if something miraculous would happen and he would be freed somehow. MY personal interpretation that I’ve got going on until canon tells me something different says Henry was trapped in a place where clocks and lights were a conduit to reality, to the real world, the world outside of the lab. In that lab, time was all Henry had. Both things have become symbolic to Henry as a result.

The same remains true of his time as Vecna in the upside down. He spent yeas wandering the Upside Down alone before he was GIVEN a way to get back to Hawkins. Merging Hawkins with the upside down kind of represents a sort of a “propaganda of the deed,” but in a way that seems true to the horror genre with the aesthetic kind of being that's he’s become an agent of doom, he’s heralding in the “end” of the world (as it currently is) in which an “end” is considered the furthest part to the flow of time and therefore can also be represented by a clock. Each victim brings him closer, each victim is symbolized by the chiming of the clock. Four being the magic number might also be symbolic of the four points of time/day: Morning, afternoon, evening and night. I mentioned before, in my POV, a lot of Henry’s manifestations as Vecna are symbolic to him on a very personal level. He’s walking psychological horror, and he very much represents PSTD, depression and trauma, abuse, suicidal tendencies, etc and these were intentional themes outside of canon and most of them are things Henry suffered himself in canon. Things that had an emotional/mental/physical impact on Henry as a human are repeated and projected outwardly through Vecna and Vecna’s “curse” in a supernatural way. Like you said the spiders are obvious but THIS is how the clocks factor into him in my opinion. Like the spiders they mean something to him on a personal level as well but everything that meant something to or impacted on Henry has become symbolic to him and turned very twisted and ominous as Vecna.

ANYWAY I hope that made sense! I’m not saying its COMPLETELY canon but its what I’ve been reading from canon so far. In conclusion imo: Henry/Vecna is not just a senseless monster: he’s the radical leftist activist that turns to terrorism to make the centric protagonists look good: Horror genre edition. Literally he’s the horror genre’s version of M*gneto or Erik Killm*nger. Its a hill I guess I’m gonna have to die on.

#henry creel #vecna #001 #peter ballard #stranger things #stranger things analysis

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shyspider · 7 months

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im so so sorry please dont be mad at me for spamming your inbox you said youre on every sunday and i dont know if youre deleting my messages or not but if i said anything to upset you im sorry and ill leave you alone

Okay - answering this one first.

I've kinda fell off the internet because I've been obsessed with a few other fandoms at the same time. When I get hyperfixated, I get it BAD. Like, all my free time was dedicated to: - watching the Star Wars franchise (friend of mine recommended Andor and I swan-dived down that fandom hole) and NOW I got a thing for Mandalorians and those tall, imposing imperial droids. - Playing Baldur's Gate 3. I had a super early version of the game, and had recently updated to the complete game. When playing, I always gravitate to Astarion... but Karlach 🔥 - Watching/Playing COD:MW with close friends and it turns out it's not just Mandalorians, but any badass in a mask got me acting unwise. 💀👑 - Watching Better Call Saul/Breaking Bad and I'm pretty much watching it for Mike at this point, and I'm looking respectfully. His character fascinates me. I may have written some drafts on other fandoms, but it was mostly to get it out of my system than to actively write and post. I'm better now. I'm recovering and I'm slowly coming out of my fixation.

BUT I am so sorry to leave you hanging. I looked at your other messages. Nothing you said offended me and no I'm not ignoring you. You are absolutely fine, and I will be responding to your other asks (I think it's mostly you?) and I'll definitely be more active on here every Sunday.

#Last few weeks have been hyperfixation hell #Like I'm that kind of gamer that'll loose weight because I forget to eat #If that gives you any context to how much I block everything out and fixate on one thing #My friend is trying to get me to redownload tiktok so she can drag me to thirst-trap hell #I refuse I need sleep #Anon asks #Shyspider answers

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dimiclaudeblaigan · 1 year

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Poked my head into some of @mysticdragon3md3′s thoughts regarding popularity with DimiClaude fanon and am happy to say I’m here to Talk (tee em).

I also saw the post from the user saying why they were falling out of love for the ship, and... yeah. The people they’re talking about, the generalized group of people who do certain things, definitely bother me as well.

I love that you pointed out Claude is not flirty and is just playful. It’s not the DimiClaude fandom alone unfortunately with that though - it’s the entire fanbase that views him as a flirt. And, according to Twitter, a slut. Yeah. Yeah. I know what they... “mean”... but it is still not him.

Them being annoyed with each other is also fanon and a very strange one. Never in Houses did Dimitri come across as being annoyed or bothered by him. In fact, they have friendly banter! Dimitri doesn’t get specifically exasperated at Claude, but that’s just more so how he is as a person and he sometimes doesn’t understand playfulness. That said, he does not berate Claude the way he berates others. There’s one instance I can think of where he berated Claude and that was in the DLC when they were talking to Aelfric for the first time.

In Hopes, same deal in AG. In fact, he’s quite fond of Claude in AG. GW itself was a well discussed mess in a lot of ways, and even then as a ship they didn’t have a lot of negativity. If nothing else it was an odd opposite, because even as enemies when Claude admitted he couldn’t defeat Dimitri alone, Dimitri just basically laughed, smirked and walked away. That’s like... the worst of their relationship in GW and it’s extremely mellow.

I think part of the problem some dmcl fans are facing are the fanon version of the ship rather than what they’re like in canon. It is definitely true that part of the dmcl fandom has absolutely warped the ship into being something it really isn’t and never was in canon. There’s also this whole thing about Dimitri being the dominant, feisty one with Claude being the uwu blushy one and it’s just... not them. Not as a pair canonically, and not individually. When Dimitri gets “dominant”, he’s, uh, not in a good mental state. It’s a mental illness that makes him like that and personally I’ve never appreciated seeing people use it for a kink for a ship. Normally I’d say people can like what they want, but I get the feeling a lot of dmcl fans have absolutely pushed their views onto others and driven fans away.

I will also say have absolutely, 150% come across those kinds of fans. The ones who refuse to listen to anyone else, but if your headcanons don't vibe with them then you’re just completely “wrong”. Not only do they portray the canon characterization poorly if portraying it at all, but they tend to also bring it down a racist route, which is... beyond ironic considering they should be the last ship that deals with that based on their characters and stories.

Engage kinda went wonky with a good few things regarding the previous lords, so I don’t see Dimitri being like that as some kind of definite canon. Actually, even in Heroes their interactions are friendly and calm. The “worst” banter they had was their swim alts, while on the opposite end we have the brave alts who apparently hang out together outside of the castlegrounds, and for so long that they can’t be of any help in a search for someone (which like lol how long you gotta be gone to have no idea and can’t help at all lmao).

I think people see outside-Houses canon scenes like those and just... decide it’s their actual canon. Dimitri is not, in any way, actually mean to Claude in canon. That is unfortunately a very popular fanon. In Houses especially, when Dimitri doesn’t know Claude well in the mock battle he’s more like ummm hey Claude your defenses are open what are you even doing, more than being like ugh Claude you’re so annoying. In the real version of that mock battle though, a good few months had passed and their battle quotes are significantly more approachable and they clearly have respect for each other. Dimitri knows Claude likes to fuck around and be goofy sometimes, and he picked up on that and played along with it in the JP version (in the English version he simply picks up on it, but there’s no anger whatsoever and it’s just more oh okay I get it).

As far as Engage goes, ultimately I just see it more as an extremely condensed version of their mannerisms, and yes, they for some reason, especially in the localized versions, try to keep up the whole rival shtick when Dimitri never even felt that way about Claude, and he never gets truly annoyed at Claude. Ffs, in canon Dimitri literally drops everything after retaking his home from the Empire/TWS, and runs to go save Claude. Literally. The next day. While Claude is a little tsun about it (!), Dimitri is just “come on let’s go hurry hurry no slowing down pick up the pace we are saving Claude”, and that’s basically him the entire chapter except with the Arundel specific stuff. When he talks to Claude one on one, there is literally not a single shred whatsoever in any plausible way or in any damn universe any tension from Dimitri to Claude. He just wants to know he’s okay and relaxes once he knows Claude isn’t hurt. I mean literally, no, like... that’s them, in canon, in their Natural Habitat together and I have no fucking clue how the portrayal of them in fanon got so insanely warped beyond recognition.

Also, Engage kinda dropped the ball with a lot of stuff with the other lords. Hell, they’ve been unable to keep Ike’s character consistent throughout all of his non-canon appearances (Awakening didn’t seem too bad, but Fates was pretty awful for example. They can’t seem to really understand the character they’re writing anymore, and idk if it’s just because the writers have changed and such/aren’t the same as Tellius’ games had, or they just don’t care to keep him consistent).

They also try to make Sigurd sound wise and super helpful in every single solitary iteration of him outside of FE4 which is honestly just obnoxious as fuck lmao. Sigurd was naive, foolish, overly trusting, and far too kind and gentle for his own good. It ultimately was what led to him following orders blindly, having blind faith that his king was righteous and would give him the right orders (without realizing the court was very much in disarray during his absence and with several other prominent court figures away because of the war). Sigurd was too quick to believe in the good in humanity and that things would work out, and it led to him not realizing how wrong he was until it was way too late and he had to take shelter in a foreign country to avoid having to fight the same people’s armies who had the court’s ear.

Basically Sigurd is nothing like they write him to be in every. single. solitary. iteration. outside of FE4.

(SPOILER here just in case you care lol. Or anyone who is reading this. Or if you’re someone who somehow does not know about the biggest known spoiler in the whole game) He has one little section of potential dialogue (i.e. it’s triggered by a very specific condition) that shows somehow ghosty Sigurd has grown more wise and understanding ??? while being dead ??? and somehow learned while being dead that the world do be full of grief and Stuff. (END SPOILER)

So they pretty much took like, two lines of dialogue from FE4 and made it Sigurd’s entire fucking character forever in every single game he’s been in since. If nothing else, let that be your insight on never to trust content you see outside of a character’s original game. At that point it’s simply fanservice because they don’t even know their own characters. If they wanted to write even a semblance of Actual In Game Sigurd’s Personality And Not Two Lines Of Dialogue That Are Completely Optional And Quite Honestly HIDDEN, it would be very easy and reasonable to do so. They choose not to, and then we get what they did with Houses’ lords.

Another portrayal I see too often is that Dimitri and Claude... argue??? I won’t lie, their Heroes summer alts was the very first time they even seemed to “argue”, and it was mostly just goofy nonsense that means nothing because they’re literally alts in swimsuits, and it wasn’t really them being vicious at each other. Meanwhile in canon, they’re always very calm and able to talk through their problems - even in fucking Hopes in the GW route. Even in the worst possible circumstances for them to be in, that is, as enemies, they were still able to talk it through. Barring Claude’s written in idiocy so he could be a mouthpiece for Edelgard and do her bidding by invading the Kingdom (which was literally nothing but plot convenience because Actual Claude would’ve reasoned his way out of doing that), even in the worst possible situation, they still called a truce and still worked things out verbally, calmly and peacefully.

Point being, this whole cat fight dmcl portrayal isn’t even remotely close to their canon selves, and normally I’d say, you know, like what you want and enjoy your ships how you want... but it’s pretty much almost entirely the people who view the ship that way that uh, attack people who don’t agree with them or insult them/laugh at them for seeing the ship differently. These are the people who make you feel bad, for enjoying a fictional ship of two pixelated characters kissing, because you don’t like the concepts in their head more than the way you’ve interpreted the canonical characters.

To be totally frank, I have a visceral hatred for the fanon portrayal of dmcl because it makes Dimitri out to be terrible and makes Claude some kind of punching bag for Dimitri in various forms. There comes a point where it’s like, you ship something and then there’s the point where you ship two characters you made up in your head, who aren’t the same characters you first started to ship, because you’ve warped them so extensively that they became nothing but a person’s OCs with their faces and some similar backstory elements at best.

#DCB Comments #not sure what else to put this as but yeah... the dmcl fandom is not that large tbh and #what it does have is extremely divided and a lot of the fans can be completely ignorant of how poorly they handle Claude #especially in a franchise that already poorly handled him re: Hopes #but also I know exactly the kind of people you're talking about... and they're also hypocrites so.#they're the ones who shit on others for having different views of the same ship and decide you are inarguably ''wrong'' for your takes #also mind you if you call 'em out for that they get uwu mad and it spirals from there bc then they gotta vent to their #uwu friends who do the exact same things they do. can you tell I'm literally speaking from actual experience?! :D #like yeah I get it... a lot of the dmcl fandom in particular is gross about Claude #I personally prefer Dimitri as a character for a lot of reasons but when I began shipping them I didn't love Claude /as/ much as now #shipping them got me to look more into Claude as a person and I started loving him more as well #thanks to loving this ship I got to know him more and understand him more /and/ that made me love the ship more #also like it's one thing to have AUs and modern AUs in fics and stuff... bur just don't do... you know... things worth side eying #also if you have to change the dynamic of the ship to make it how you like it then you... probably don't actually like the ship itself #it's the same as with people warping characters to create a personality put onto a face #it's what a lot of Edel stans even do. they make up who they want her to be instead of seeing her for who she is #and they like the made up version of her more than the actual version so in that sense they don't really like who she is in the canon #not all of them are like that and some DO like her for who she is (which could be... arguably WORSE in her case lol)#but it's the same thing with ships. they alter the dynamic and just want to use the pretty faces #which by itself would be fine ig. confusing af to me but fine. not fine anymore though when it starts becoming an actual fandom problem #ppl take ''fandom drama' too lightly most often imo. I don't think ppl realize this kind of bullying over the internet #has a lasting impact and that seeing words on a screen doesn't make them any better or worse than how they'd be irl #in a sense it makes it more cowardly if anything bc ppl fear no repercussions for what they say :/

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substituted-shinigami · 1 year

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Writing Update: Creative Corner April 2023

Welcome back to “Writing Updates”, which I’m thinking of renaming to Creative Corner, but uh we’ll see! (I tend to go back and forth on these things😅) My thought process is that instead of doing the “Good News/Bad News” format I’ve done in the past, I’m going to do a “Writing Corner” and an “Art Corner” instead. I’ll try it out and see how I feel about it. Anyway, let’s get on with the news!

TL:DR Version: I’m taking this month off…kind of. Last month was busy, but really fun!😁 This month was busy, but uh, not at all fun…long story.😅 Anyway, so no new one-shots this month. However! I did find some RenRuki fluff drabbles that I think you all might like, so I put them together in their own series. They’re perfect for a rainy day when you just want to feel good!🥰 They should be out later this month!

Read on if you want the long version:

Writing Corner:

*Sighs heavily* Alright, I’m gonna be honest, this month sucked. Between burnout, family stuff, and depression, I barely wrote at all. I have a nearly completed piece that I could try to rush edit and finish in time, and would at least come out okay. But I thought about it, and realized that while I do like the piece, it’s not at all what I felt like reading right now. I don’t read a “hurt/comfort with a bit of angst” piece when I’m sad, I read fluff, lots of fluff. In fact, I had a google doc with a couple of fluff scraps that didn’t fit anywhere else that I would sometimes go back to and read whenever I was sad just because it made me feel good. And then I thought, what if this month was bad for other people too? Would these pieces make them feel good? So I’ve decided to release these instead in a brand new collection I’m going to call “Soft Moments”. Admittedly, they are more like eating a sugary sweet dessert than having a hearty protein filled one-shot meal, but that’s exactly what they are for! They are there for people who need to read something nice on a hard day. Anyway, they aren’t exactly a one-shot, so that’s why I decided to put them in their own collection, rather than adding them to “We Can’t All Be Winners”. In the end, I’ve decided to release the “hurt/comfort” piece another time. This also works out well for my new (ever changing😅) schedule for WCABW, where I am going to do 3 months on, 1 off, 3 on, and so forth!

Art Corner: While I haven’t done much writing this month, I have gone back to my roots on this blog somewhat and started working on comics again. If you saw one of my earlier posts, you will know that I’m taking a crack at human based comics. They…are absolutely not proportional. But um…variety is the spice of life, right?!?! Anyway, hopefully they will at least be funny, but uh, we’ll see! That said, I'm thinking of eventually switching to digital art so that I don’t have to redraw backgrounds and unmoving characters, but that requires me to figure out how to draw with photoshop on my mini touch screen laptop so uh…………..

Bloodlines Corner (because let’s be honest, it gets its own spot at this point):

Me: *glares to some far off corner in my google docs* You do realize it’s been months now, right?

Bloodlines: *shrugs innocently*

So I’ve realized I haven’t actually explained the premise of this story to most people on this blog, so here we go. Originally, Bloodlines was a one-shot in its own series of one-shots based on the idea of “What would happen if Rukia got Hisana’s illness?” However, I realized that I hadn’t really thought it out well enough for an entire series. So then I was going to make it a one off one-shot in a series of one off one shots, thus spawning WCABW. However, it clearly needed more editing, so I decided to release “prestigious school au” instead. Fast forward several months and not only am I still editing it, but that one-shot turned first into a multi-part and eventually a multi-chapter fic, all the while the events of the story still staying within the same time period, and therefore taking place over the course of one day. It is… utterly ridiculous.

So anyway, it’s pretty long now, (well for me anyway, it’s almost 30 pages), which makes it take forever to edit. Unfortunately, I think that has caused the back chapters to suffer a bit, because for some reason I always prefer to edit things in order, so by the time I get to the end I’m pretty mentally exhausted. Therefore, I’ve decided to divide it up by only editing one chapter a day to make it easier on myself. Hopefully this will work out, and I can have it out by like August or something, but we will see! (Not being done until December is unfortunately still probable! 😅)

*Sigh* Welp, this has gotten long, but this month has been even longer so I guess it’s appropriate. In any case, thank you all for reading! The new fluff-filled anthology series should be out by the end of the month. Like I said earlier, it’s more like having dessert than dinner, but sometimes that's just what you need! See you all next month! 😊

#writing update #art update #writing update 2023 #creative corner

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adamnedmartyr · 2 years

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Now, for that headcanon I promised…

So, it's true. Kurama can be perfectly calm and collected in the middle of a battle or a crisis. He can totally detach himself from everything except strategy, logic. It helps him to formulate the best plans and to enact them with often lethal precision.

It also sometimes leads him to the realization that, in the grand scheme of things, sometimes his plans boil down to a last ditch effort in a desperate situation––even if the cost is his life––to protect those around him. [ There's a reason I chose this url for him, after all. ]

Now, that said… there's another part to this, too, that I don't think is as apparent.

Certainly, Yoko is 1000+ years old. He's faced many life or death situations, but that was before he actually almost died, before he would have died if not for Shuichi. And then there's the complication of the merger––that his consciousness is mixed with that of Shuichi, creating a sort of middle ground with Kurama.

[ I'll make another headcanon at some point explaining how they're all the 'same person', more of less, but with very distinct traits to separate which facet of that person you're dealing with––as opposed to Sensui's actual, factual, completely separate personalities. It's more a like what level you're dealing with. Shuichi is the most surface and basic version, Kurama is the middle ground, there's another step past baseline Kurama (when he's mad--or resigned--and willing to do things he normally wouldn't due to his more human influence ) before you get to Yoko. But anyway, I digress. I will save the majority of that discussion for a separate post. ]

Regardless, so much as Kurama cares for his friends and family, so much as he's willing to lay his life on the line, so much as he does believe that their lives and their futures are worth more than anything he could ever hope to do to make up for 1000+ years of ill deeds…

It's easy to remain detached in the middle of a battle or a crisis, because there's more for him to focus on, more for his brain to turn over without being able to wander. It's an easy choice… but that doesn't make it easy.

The laser focus on strategy--and usually afterwards on not dying or on reassuring friends that he's not dying--is a crutch in many ways in this one regard: when he cannot lean on it, that is when you start to see that such drastic measures still exact a toll, still carry a heavy weight. When this becomes most evident is one of two situations.

THE FIRST, is if you happen across Kurama when he is alone after such an incident, without anyone to pretend for or reassure. No smile. No humor. No mask. He's likely sitting or standing by himself, his eyes looking hollowed out, distant. Almost completely blank. [ One of the only people who has caught like this is Hiei––any mention of him in this is my take on him at @dragonofdarknessflame and no one else is obligated to think the same or follow my take, obviously––and it tends to unnerve even him a little bit, not that he would ever admit it. ]

He doesn't ever really deal with his feelings. He has a hard time even pinning them down because they're such a jumbled mess. He should have been terrified. He should feel relief that it didn't end the way it could have ended. Instead he just feels removed. Sometimes the pain that's a consequence of whatever martyr routine he pulled this time is the only thing that anchors him, gives him something solid and concrete to focus on when the others aren't around.

Once he's reached this point, he's going to be slow to respond, as though there's a delay to him even processing. If he can pull himself enough from it after a few questions, he'll take back up his mask and resume his usual performance.

THE SECOND, is when he's asleep. It isn't uncommon––especially in close proximity to such an event––for Kurama to have horrendous dreams ranging from nightmares to outright night terrors. That sharp mind of his is a double-bladed weapon. As lethally precise as it is when directed, it is just as dangerous when carelessly left to its own devices.

As I mentioned in the meme response to @thuganomxcs found here, Kurama vividly recalls such situations in his dreams. He can remember everything in perfect detail, the events in the exact play-by-play that it happened, and he can recall the pain as though he were experiencing it again. It often feels as though he is. He will often, during this, be restless, though not very vocal, though sometimes he will cry or brokenly sob even if the screams don't escape his nightmares.

[ The times that Hiei has shared a room with him, such as at the Tournament––or times that he's just let himself in through the window of Shuichi's room due to pouring rain––he has sometimes observed this. He finds it even more disturbing than the blankness, because it seems unnatural to see Kurama like that. It's times like that when he will usually exit through the window––even if it means getting drowned again––and make more of a racket as he reenters, sometimes throwing something down on the bed as though discarding it in his haste to get in and close the window back, if making a racket didn't serve to wake him. ]

Though Kurama dislikes the vulnerability––and being seen while in such a state as he is whenever he first wakes from nights like these––he appreciates even Hiei's often clumsy attempts to distract and even more so that he seems just as unwilling to acknowledge that he's helping or that there's a reason that he needs to do so.

#|| out of cleverness || { ooc }#|| a fox is a wolf who sends flowers || { about kurama }

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sjweminem · 2 years

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do you miss your dad in a quantitive way? ive recently lost someone close to me and it hurts but you seem to be coping so well even tho its been years

i think a whole lot of it has to do with some of my own illnesses/disabilities (especially autism and SZPD), actually, as well as a severely trauma-ridden life..so i guess the """""""short"""""""" version (literally this fucking essay IS a short rundown) of the deal is this:

not only was i born with a predisposition for emotional scarcity, but also live the damage done by a life so harsh it just drains you of the more basic human emotions. i think that's why i'm so obsessed with math? everything is an equation to me. now, i loved my dad more than anybody on earth, but i don't know what "grief" means since i wasn't equipped with it, i don't think i know what it means to be "sad" (i'm recalling this old journal entry in which i said i was jealous of people who got sad, cuz like their mom died or they had a breakup or put their dog down etc. because my definition of the word "sadness" portrays it as a state of being with an inherent end-point, and good god did i wish i could be sad for that fact alone (i still have that journal, i can post that page or others if anybody wants, it's probably explained better there). the last time i cried was in drug detox like 3 years ago and that was due simply to the physical pain of opiate withdrawal. otherwise i straight up CANNOT cry, it's like i'm physically incapable of it. i think the ability has been taken.

it would make sense to cry over my dad, that exact moment while i was talking to him and felt life exit and soften the hand i was holding; at the moment we were looking each other in the eye and then suddenly..weren't. no tears; the mathematical equation had just been completed- when you become an adult it is the natural progression of things and has been for millennia. it made sense, it added up.

maybe, for weeks to come, it looked to others like i was repressing my Sadness (my WHAT?), that i wasn't letting myself Mourn (umm i don't think anyone ever taught me that ability?) but i'm still like that to this day. personally i just appreciate that i had him as a father, that he cared for me while my mother worked, taking me out for fun little adventures. i love that i had a father who so openly showed his love for me, was affectionate and never closed-off, and also he was brilliant and hilarious. moving on, i appreciate that the remainder of his life post-diagnosis was bright, that he moved in with us, that he and i got to be close again, that he continued with his passions. i hope you can gather past memories/positive facts to be seen through this kind of lens that eases your hurt.

i'm proud that i was the one to take care of him, driving him to and staying around for every single chemo session, sitting up next to his bed where he'd watch me draw in amazement. i'm delighted that the very last thing he felt while still a living human was my hand on his, that the very last thing he ever saw was my smiling face, that the last thing he ever heard was my voice. that's enough for me. i don't understand why i should feel hurt. i have plenty of "oh man i wish my dad could see this drawing!/hear about this stupid thing i did today!/etc but i mean..hey, i wish a lot of things! i wish i lived with mobius in a little house in maine! i wish there weren't so many dirty dishes in the sink right now! i wish my skin didn't get so dry no matter what i do why is it so fucking dry! i don't dwell. maybe the fact that i can't feel sadness and loss and whatever but am still able to feel love and affection work out in this case.

all that being said though, i wouldn't call any of this "coping well"- i just never HAD to cope. and i wanna make sure this doesn't come off as braggy abt how Strong i am or make you feel jealous for how i handled this loss!! like i come on here for people and content and i cuz i think i'm funny but the downside is it can project an inaccurate picture. like even if you've read the worst of the worst about my life and self i've cared to mention here over the years you've still only read the children's edition. if anybody ASKED for a real rundown i'd be totally fine writing that dissertation and pop some pics in for extra fun but i'm not the kind of person who whines all woe is me on their social media as if everyone cares lmao

#anonymous #correspondence

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meeverywheresblog · 3 months

Text

Aging

Hi. It's me again. I remembered today this account randomly when I thought that I would love to write down what I think about life. I know I said I'd post here weekly or daily and that never happened. I completely forgot about this account and I never wanted to write down any thoughts. However, here are we now.

I wanted to update me since I realized now that I have a remembering issue. I don't know how my brain works but I don't remember promising myself to post here or anything. I remember finding this account at some point but I thought I never posted again.

Since I want to buy a new notebook to write down my feelings and thoughts but I don't have time/money to do since, I have decided to use this account now.

A quick update to myself so I would never forget:

I moved out a new apartment during the same year. I believe I moved out in Oct or Sep not sure. It is way better than the first 2 apartments I used to live in.

I couldn't find love since people are very sexual and weird over there.

I touched the grass and lived the moment since I have double my salary now when I decided to resign from the company I used to work at. I bought new clothes, I dyed my hair in a way that makes me look like a cool version of me which is not true. I am not that cool.

I go to new places, I stopped violin courses and I didn't go to the gym or signed for dancing classes.

The only things that happened to me in my own brain and the new thoughts that are controlling me are:

I don't want to work my relationship with my family. I feel like it's now seriously over. I don't miss my mom, I don't want to see her. I even don't remember her on a daily basis unless she sent me a msg. We have a crowded month in the work so we decided to have only 1 day off and the whole plan got changed and we still have 2 day off. I'm still leaving my mom under the impression that I have 1 day off so we won't meet. I don't know why would like to meet her. I don't have things that I want to share. However, I will meet Aunt Hala today and I think about talking to her about these stuff. Not sure what will happen.

I stopped talking to one of the closest friends to me. I won't share her name here in case we won't talk again only bec I would like to know if in months I opened this account again will remember her? or will we be friends again? not sure what will happen and Ill leave it to future me to live the moment.

I'm now 22 and in 8 months I will be 23. For some reason I became more aware of my age even though when I wrote down now that Im 22 it felt like Im so young. However, that is not happening inside my head. I feel like Im so old and every day i spend in bed rotting I feel like I wasted a day. Im not sure what happened that resulted in me feeling like that however its not normal bec i just bought the iphone i was dreaming of, a new TV and became more able to use the money to live my own lifestyle after realizing that I was the problem not the money itself.

Im more into having a routine with fixed schedules and I now love waking up at 7 AM. I learned how to cycle (im not that good yet).

I came to realize that now I not that strong. Now I am weaker and changing my lifestyle didn't make me strong but instead made me realize that im a very very sensitive person. I have a lot of flows and now i have a lot of brand new feelings that im not used to. i downloaded a book about self love and I was impressed since i have always judged people who did so. I didn't finish the book of course which is expected from me however I knew that i don't face my feelings and I tend to try to remove them completely if they are -ve feelings. I don't like feeling jealous and I tend to think low of me if i did so. I now don't have the courage to confess or confront people. In all my phases in life i used to think whether it is the best or worst version of me and now I don't know. I think Im most confused person ever and i don't even know yet what id like to do with my life. ill try to brag about my life to my aunt today only to seek for validation and see if she can help me enhance the quality of my life. if i didn't have the time or the courage to do so, then im completely alone as well. i am lost in my own thoughts and I don't know what to do. i hope life will at some time be better and easy for me which is a very hard thing to do in Egypt.

The best thing worth to mention is: I finally feel a slight happiness in my life which is not always the case but it is a brand new feeling. thanks to me for at least trying :)

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