#and realized it wasn't just me using writing as an outlet for my own but that the disorder actually fits

[vacayisland]

Could you do a John Dory x Retired Singer/Musician Reader? Pls and thank you

(I loved meet the wifie I fucking cackled at "imma beat his ass!")

@!; Oldies are always better. John Dory / Retired! Reader

"Tag List"! @writergal02 @chamille-trash @valvalentine69 @starzwithapen @ykvlanq @apieceofcathair3 @kitthefanfickat

ꨄ︎. You were a big alt-indie musician, making music that tended to have a little bit of everything; the funk and beat of the funk tribe and the techno tribe, the guitar riffs and drum solos from the rock tribe, some classical instruments as undertones, and pop-like lyrics and beats. All the while you also put your own spin on it. Music had always been an outlet for you, always allowed you to take what was in your head and thread it into sound for everyone to hear. Sometimes it was chaotic, sometimes it was mellow, and it always depended on your mood when writing, composing, and singing. It's usually was drew people to your music. It was down to Earth, yet also complex and simple at the same time. Those who wanted to dive into the meaning of your music and dissect it would find multiple layers, many undertones that all harmonized. Those who just wanted to vibe out to your music could do that as well.

ꨄ︎. When you had left your career behind, it wasn't because of anything bad. You left with one final song in which explained that you were stepping down to let the new generation to find their own flow, to let other people take the stage, to be able to sit back and enjoy everything that will come in the future. You were only around 24 when you put down your guitar for the final time for the public; But you never gave up music for good on your own. While you never published anything anymore, you kept writing and composing for yourself as it was truly your passion.

ꨄ︎. This is when JD found you, playing in a friend's cafe. You had caught his attention right away, so much so he didn't hear the waiter when he had asked for JD's order. He was honestly so captivated by you for a moment he wondered if you were some sort of siren. He soon realized, yeah no you weren't, you just were really, really good. And he needed your number, badly. And that sounded a little creepy, but when you see someone who's not only good looking but knows how to sing and play an instrument all in one? You don't miss that chance to talk them up, and JD was defiantly not missing his chance!

ꨄ︎. JD didn't see a ring on your finger, it was fair game for him. Luckily you hadn't been seeing anyone at the time, but you still gave him a reality check after he approached you as though he was the coolest guy on the planet; Introducing himself before using some sort of cheesy pick up line to get your number. "Hey, babe, my name is John Dory and you seem rather lonely. You know, I can fill that 'me' shaped hole in your heart if you give me your number!" And then he winked!? Your friend was flabbergasted. You thought he was really brave.

ꨄ︎. And you hate to admit that his stupid pick-up line (which didn't even seem like a pick-up line!) actually worked and he got your number. (And he would be so smug and proud about this fact for the rest of his life.)

ꨄ︎. You two talked for a few months before making anything official, and then you waited about a year or two before you two even thought about moving in together. Even so, by 6 months of dating you basically lived in Rhonda; Your stuff littered his home, you had your own set of clothes there, your own toothbrush, and even your own house slippers. Then when you moved in, it felt natural. It felt like this was where you were always meant to end up and somehow the planets aligned. And for some reason JD never noticed the fact you brought in an electric guitar, which also sat in your shared closet. Sometimes you wonder if he's just stupid or a little blind, because he's also seen your play.

ꨄ︎. Either way, one day when he was hoisting his brothers over (after the whole Floyd situation got resolved, and god you were kind of glad you were staying with friends during all of that; not because you didn't like his brothers but because you didn't think you could handle meeting his family during that whole situation.) when they heard you playing your guitar in the bedroom. You weren't doing anything fancy, mostly tuning the guitar and making sure the strings didn't need to be replaced. But, of course, that always had to include one of your most iconic guitar riffs from a song about fighting your crushing mentality during the lowest part of your career. "Holy shit dude, I didn't know your lover listened to (Y/N)!" Branch would be the first to comment, being the most diverse music listener in the family. Floyd, who had been distracted by the riff, perked up at the conversation and nodded in agreement. JD only gave them a confused look, leaning against his kitchen counter, "Dude, my lover is (Y/N)?" And JD wasn't sure what to expect, but it wasn't all four of his brothers stopping and staring at him completely baffled. Mostly Floyd and Branch, who soon yelled a rather loud, "WHAT?!" "What?!" Which only confused JD more.

ꨄ︎. You hadn't met JD's family before this point, but you've heard all about them; Not only from JD, when he told you about his band days, and when you heard them around the trailer when they would come over. Usually you stayed in the bedroom, not to be rude yet to just let JD have his time with his brothers. Yet, you couldn't understand what all the yelling was about, "Yo, Que te pasa? Why the hell are you guys yelling?" You would ask, poking your head out of the door to the bedroom. Your expression tired, your hair messier, yet you could care less at this moment; You were sure JD's brothers wouldn't mind, they would see you worse later on since you were planning to stay with that big doofus. "Oh my god-" You flinched when Floyd dropped the cup he was holding, his jaw dropping upon seeing you; And honestly, for a second, you forgot you used to be a big artist. "John Dory," You started, startled by the reactions his brothers were giving, "Vas a decirme lo que esta pasando ahora mismo."

ꨄ︎. JD is always a little intimidated when you speak Spanish, mostly because his Grandma used to scold him and his brothers in Spanish. So he only explained (rather quickly) how his brothers had heard you tuning your guitar in the bedroom and how they just got weird. And that's when Branch defended himself, along with Floyd, how JD never told them that you were his lover! "And what's it to you that I love your brother?" You shot back quick and snappy, crossing your arms as you shot a glare their way. You weren't above throwing hands with JD's brothers. Floyd noticed the way JD glanced away, sipping his coffee. He was quick to stand up, placing a hand on Branch's shoulder to calm him, before explaining the whole situation to you better; Saying how Branch and Floyd were just big fans of your music and they didn't realize that you were with JD, because no matter how much JD spoke about you he never told them that you were his lover.

ꨄ︎. "Oh, Mierda lo siento." God, this made things a little awkward, "I thought you were about to be one of those horrible step-siblings that didn't like his brother's lover for some dumb reason like my hair." "What? No!-" "No, yeah, I see that now. My bad, really sorry." You mumbled, rubbing the back of your neck, "JD can be really, really dense sometimes, shut it John Dory!," You pointed a finger at JD before he could make a peep in protest about your slight insult, but it was made out of full love. "Let's start over, hi I'm (Y/n) and it's really nice to meet you."

ꨄ︎. Safe to say, JD forgot to tell his brothers that he was dating an old sensational artist...and kind of forgot you were one and was very shocked to realize this! Furthermore, you were a little flabbergasted when he revealed that some of BroZone's songs were influenced by your music. You would stare at JD after he confessed such a large secret, "Wow... that's a big insult." You mumbled sarcastically under your breath. "EXCUSE ME?!" But you guessed JD missed the sarcasm. "I'm being sarcastic, love. That's kind of sweet." Playfully rolling your eyes, you pressed a kiss into JD's cheek before turning back to his brothers. You crossed your legs, rested your elbow against your knee, and held your face in your hands. "Now about you four, how about we get to actually know each other. I'm planning to remain in this family after all..."

ꨄ︎. Safe to say that JD is wifing/husbanding/etc. you up really quick.

ꨄ︎. He still brags about how he first got your number and how he managed to 'snatch you up' before anyone else could. You told him he's too old to use new lingo and to stop, lovingly of course as you didn't want your 'husband' to embarrass himself. He melted hearing you call him husband before getting a bigger ego boost; And you had fun watching him terrorize his siblings while his ego was so inflated. You even jokingly did the whole 'I'm watching you' eyes to one of his brothers (Clay) as a silent threat that this is how you were always going to hand JD off to them like. He gave you the biggest (playful) stink eye ever. Yeah, you're going to fit right into this family.

.ᐟ this work is published and owned by @vacayisland. please do not plagiarize, copy, or steal this work; like, reblogs, and saves are appreciated :D

#john dory headcanons #john dory x reader #trolls x reader #brozone x reader #trolls band together #john dory trolls #dreamworks trolls #trolls #trolls fandom #trolls dreamworks #brozone #trolls 3 #john dory #floyd trolls #clay trolls #branch trolls #branch #trolls floyd

[kittyandco]

you and hans are the cutest fr. can you tell us a little about your self insert?

THANK YOU 🥺🥺🥺💖 i appreciate that so much!!!

my s/i has had to grow into herself, so to speak, over the years, kind of like my ship in general. hans wasn't always my number one guy -- it took years for us to get to this point, even though, deep down, i always had a feeling that he would be special to me. so my s/i has had a lot of changes.

back when i first started liking him (a while ago now), i didn't make s/is. i just put myself into the universe and followed my f/o around like a lost kitten 😭 it wasn't until i began to realize just how much i liked him that i began to seriously develop my s/i (and this was around the time i began to write real plots and stories for my ships and s/is, only shortly before i had this blog).

like most people, i take a ton of inspiration from my real life experiences to create my s/is. given that this is the s/i i think about the most because i think about hans & i together so much, i'd say she's the most like me. and like most people, i don't know how to exactly describe myself.

the sense of helplessness and restraint that i've felt through a lot of my life heavily influenced my s/i. it's one of the reasons i relate to hans (and anna & elsa) so much (of course, i didn't really get this insight until i read "a frozen heart" last march, which completely changed my perspective on him and on us as a unit... as in, it only made me go "we're really in it now" 😭 which i didn't think was POSSIBLE).

she has all reason to assume the worst in people and in her prospects, but there's a small light that never dims, even if she can't bring herself to show it to others. she experiences great conflict about this, because she doesn't feel like it helps, she doesn't know where to put this light, and she doesn't know if she's capable of holding it anymore. everyone else sees her as the outcast, the anomaly. too smart for her own good. she's never wanted the things everyone else did. over time, she feels as if she wants to embrace that (kind of like hans, though he's much worse off in many ways).

she's fiercely independent and thoroughly observant, and that doesn't bode well for the situation she finds herself in with hans (with the arranged marriage and all, and given his family and my family's reputations, we would be indebted to and controlled by them... pretty much forever).

she finds herself feeling lonely pretty often, given that she can't seem to relate to anyone around her, which has been my experience throughout my life. and anyone she knows will say "i don't know about kitty, she's so quiet and kind of weird," and will assume just... completely unfounded things. i guess they're right. she spends a lot of her time writing, like i do. alone. but hans was always that one exception. meeting as kids, they became best friends so quickly

she's tired of pretending (just like i was)... which culminates into how she reacts to hans' treasonous actions in arendelle. she's always hoped that they would find a way to be together on their own terms -- that string of hope that strangled her all these years -- and now that he has, now that she has the chance to be with her best friend forever, she's going to take it. she tried to stay strong in her solitude (both incidental and enforced at times), but she's grown vengeful, too. no one has ever tended to her the way she needed, the way she begged for... so nothing else matters. she just wants that one thing: unconditional, mutual, understanding, liberating love

she gives me an outlet for all these things, to explore how, when pushed too far as i often have been in my life, i want to lash out too... but i never do. and with this s/i, i get to, along with the guy who i love that gives me that catharsis just through watching him and reading about him. my s/i is the embodiment of "free my man he did all of it but i don't care" and "he did nothing wrong 😇"

there is so much more i could say, evidence of other things about my s/i interwoven into my posts and fics, but i will leave it here for now!

#THIS IS LONG I'M JUST #YOU KNOW #THANK YOU AGAIN #💕 love is an open door #kitty aesthetic

[sir-yeehaw-paws]

🍉💌

(Sending good vibes 🔆🌻)

Real Writer Asks

Aww how sweet. Right back at you Anon!

🍉in what ways has writing helped you process trauma and/or navigate through your own life?

Interesting ask this one is. Because I feel like I'm the kind of person who hasn't used fic for trauma processing. Yet I know that isn't fully true, either. I definitely incorporate some of my own life experiences into my fics, and as a reader, have sought out media with topics I find too difficult to take to a table IRL. But I also spent over 20 years in therapy so I was lucky enough to have that space. I could say that, much like when I'm a player character in a video game, writing men in particular has helped me tremendously with the long, uphill battle of being trans. But I don't actually write trans characters that much. I feel as if perhaps I prefer the point where all the negotiating aspect is gone, and I can just fully embrace the final package. Fully-formed men or, whatever you want to call it. I am an incredibly intense daydreamer, for instance. I talk to myself regularly, I am constantly finding myself in a daze. Fantasizing. Looking at things in reality and being reminded of the media I enjoy. I am a creative, but I can struggle to stay consistent. Writing is a constant in my life. And one that has provided an outlet in so many ways. I've made brief mentions of the incident before. How in a huge fit of mental breakdown I wiped all my creative works (My original AO3 works, my tumblr, live journal etc) from the world. I did this all within days of my inpatient admission to the hospital, and when I came out of it realized I'd just dumped a huge portion of things I'd created over years of hard work and friend interaction out the door. I erased a large part of myself when I did that. And have promised myself no matter how bad it gets, I am never-ever doing that again. It is not worth it. But I acknowledge I wasn't thinking clearly, either. That I was in a place where my head was nowhere on earth; and the decisions I made that night. Offline and online, were a sign of something bigger. Beyond me. Art, creativity, outlets. These are so important in our world. But everyone gets something different out of it. I have been writing fanfic since I was 17. I'm now 32. Huge parts of my personal growth have come with writing, and some of my life events took place around it. That's crazy to think about sometimes.

💌share something with us about an up-and-coming work (WIP) that has you excited!

Sure! You can have some snippets of this BBKaz fic I'm writing right now that is from BB's POV. I almost never write BB, and never his point of view because I find him so hard to write. So I feel like, for once, I'm developing some confidence about doing so. Which is exciting. He feels almost obtainable to write out for me and I'm excited to see how I do and how it comes across.

Tidbit's Below Cut:

“An enemy, a friend. Incapacitate, when possible, Jack. Just because we have strengths does not mean we need to abuse them.” But she was wrong, wasn’t she? She was the deadliest force he’d ever known.  How true. How easy. They’d have turned on him. Against the pile, the thick cloy of blood, John listens for the kick of weak feet up ahead. The tallest man of the lots sagging hard. From his vantage point, glancing down his smoldering barrel, John can make out that bright blonde hair. Matted, sticking to his scalp from blood, mud, and trickles of tissue from a comrade or two. His men. The ones John slaughtered in the counted heartbeats charging up his lungs. Three broken fingers scramble for a nearby machete, John takes a leisurely stride. “You’re lost, Commander.” He knows the man speaks English. The contract hinted at it. Aviators, cracked with John’s own wild-mane hair, blood-stained cheeks in their reflection slip down a haughty nose. “Then kill me!” such an odd voice. High pitched, scratchy. Incredibly, the man continues to make demands, “The machete, take it. Cut off my head!” Intrigued, John wanders towards it. Steps over the crumpled form of the man’s deceased second in command. Feels the strong heft and weight in his calloused palm. One of the man’s hands is defiantly held under his back, John only manages to catch a tell-tale grip on something round and solid, clearly bumpy in that fumbling grip. Complete, utter defiance. A trick up his sleeve. Bastardized hope reaches into the deep crevice in his hollow heart. A sudden burst of CPR adrenaline thick. Water in his desert. Light in his tunnel. “I don’t think so.” John thrusts the machete up, pushing the flat of the blade hard against the man’s side. Sends those shattered frames to ground as he rolls him to brace on his hip. Pins his wrist with that threatening edge, digs into those fine, tender bones and new blood coats it’s shiny-dented steel. His captive thrashes, whines with angry fear when John leans over him, wiggling the grenade he wrenches free of his palm in his face. Face to face with a cracked skull inches away, the Commander sneers, sputters. “It was a good try.” John’s breath stumbles as he wraps an arm about the captive’s throat, imagines a man with such fire. Such pride. Clever and desperate.

#real writer asks #asks #answered asks #ask games #fanfic asks

[allylikethecat]

Writing asks I came up with:

1. What got you into writing fanfic in the first place?

2. What boundaries would you not cross as a writer regarding content?

3. Has a fic ever made you cry? And if so, what was it about that fic?

4. How do you feel about abandoning fics?

5. Are there any novel authors you like that have influenced your writing style?

YAY!! Asks!! Thank you so much for coming up with these! Get exciting for me to ramble and overshare (but do you expect anything less?!)

What got you into writing fanfic in the first place?

I have been writing fanfic since before I was even old enough to know what it really was. I was always day dreaming and drawing pictures inserting my own characters into my favorite stories, or forcing my favorite characters into my own situations (my mother used to transcribe the adventures of various Disney princess for me lol) the first *real* fanfiction I remember writing was in 5th grade for the book Eragon. My childhood best friend and I had a red spiral bound notebook that we passed back and forth and wrote our fic in. In terms of The 1975- I've been a fan of theirs since the Robbers music video started showing up on my Tumblr dash back in like 2014? (I couldn't figure out who I wanted to be more... Matty or the Robbers girl and years later I still in fact do not have an answer for that one lol) And I realized they were the same band that sang the song Chocolate. However, I didn't start posting my writing for them until last year when I was Going Through It™️ and my Bestie encouraged me to use it as an outlet (sorry Fictional!Matty! that's why your life sucks!)

2. What boundaries would you not cross as a writer regarding content?

I don't think I've actually killed off any *main* character or public figure yet and I can't actually see myself doing that? At least in something that I post for public consumption? Honestly that could change though. I don't really have any boundaries I'm not willing to cross because I am a firm believer that fanfiction is still considered art and art is supposed to make someone feel something and even make them uncomfortable. I actually have a fic that I've been working on that I'm hesitant to share because I'm not sure boundaries exist and I don't want to offend anyone (again) 😂

3. Has a fic ever made you cry? And if so, what was it about that fic?

This question isn't fair. I am a cryer, everything makes me cry. I started crying the other day because I love my horse so much (he's totally fine he was just looking super cute and was all happy I brought him carrots.) So yes, lots of fics have made me cry. Anything that I read that I can tell the author poured their heart into writing is honestly going to make me at least tear up and I am not ashamed to admit it. That's why I don't wear mascara on my lower lashes and only wear waterproof eyeliner 😂

4. How do you feel about abandoning fics?

I've only officially done it once, for a Hockey RPF fic that I just, wasn't enjoying working on. Everything else is just on "Hiatus" until I remember it exists again even if it takes years. I don't consider myself a quitter and abandoning a fic that I've started posting kind of breaks my soul. HOWEVER I do have a folder on my Google Drive that's just a graveyard of abandoned and half finished fics that I never posted that I go and visit sometimes.

5. Are there any novel authors you like that have influenced your writing style?

Yes! For sure 100%. However, I am currently sitting here going "I have never read a book before in my life" which is obviously a bold face lie you should see my GoodReads page but not really because there is a ton of my real life personal information on it lol Even though he's not (technically) a novelist (even though he did write a book!) can I say Pete Wentz? He's probably one of the writers I look up to the most. The way he bends words to pen lyrics just... scratch an itch in my brain and I hope I can one day make someone feel the way Fall Out Boy lyrics make me feel and I 100% feel like the flowery way he writes has influenced my to some capacity.

Thank you so much for sending these in! It was fun!

❤️Ally

#allylikethecat #ask ally #anon ask #fanfiction #keep it kind #matty fic #questions #answers #sorry for writing you a tiny novel lol #i hope it makes sense!

[aewrie]

i started rambling in tags there but actually i'll just make a separate post bc i have a lot of thoughts. readmore bc long, cw mentioned csa, harassment, etc

there's a world of difference between minors exploring sexual topics at their own pace in neutral/educational contexts etc, and being unwillingly exposed to sexual topics in ways meant to shock/disturb/harass/groom

i have been a minor in both of these situations. amazingly enough only the instances where my consent/boundaries were ignored ever bothered me, who would have thought!

the first book i read that had a sexually explicit scene was the clan of the cave bear (heavy cw for csa if you plan to read/look it up). i was 13 iirc. i did not know it contained such a scene, but going forward with the series, i quickly realized there would be a lot of sex. i read the whole thing before turning 18.

in general, i was given pretty free reign with the media i engaged with. zero adult supervision with my library habits. i learned what my limits were, i learned to pace myself as needed, i learned to curate my media intake. this was far more useful than someone filtering all my books for 'bad' content with no input from me would have been.

i started drawing/writing sexual things of my own in my preteens or soon after. it got fairly explicit fairly fast. i didn't share any of it with anyone, it was just for me, but i did draw and write these things as a outlet for the thoughts and feelings i was having.

i find this much preferable to what several of my peers were doing, which was having unsafe sex with each other and/or unsafe people. there were a few who were drinking around at 15ish, which means there was/were sketchy adult(s) providing alcohol, and who knows what else. at least one of the girl got pregnant. (worth noting that teen pregnancies are very rare here)

me reading spicy books or secretly drawing sex did not traumatize me. wouldn't be so sure about those former classmates.

also, in the context of that post showing a sign/disclaimer that is at an art gallery, i must mention that this not a one off situation. once i went to an exhibit (on an art school trip) dedicated to selfies. there was a section for nudes/sexual selfies. it was a somewhat separate corner of the exhibit, walled off but with open doorways so you could easily see inside. there was only a simple sign noting that there was sexual content in there, but no one stood there to check who went in. no ids were asked when we arrived to the gallery. all of us minus the teacher were in our late teens; some might have been minors, idk. just. your own call if you went in or skipped that section, that's it.

minors still should steer clear of specifically 18+ spaces/communities and such. it's not safe or educational or anything. a teen secretly & privately looking at something illicit vs engaging in sexual and/or kinky interactions/communities are extremely different. something like a strip club or a kink dungeon is strictly adults only for a reason. online, minors posting heavily suggestive material is extremely not good even if technically not adult content. there's some wiggle room in things appropriate for teens but not younger kids, i know i started sharing occasional mild nsfw art at around 15, but it was specifically in general art communities, not sexual/kink communities. social media makes that distinction tricky if it is there at all.

(tho i must admit, seeing what i intended as a sweet tender moment between my ocs to end up in someone's pregnancy fetish collection on deviantart was certainly a lesson to be learned about how people engage with things online. i was weirded out but shrugged it off since the person wasn't otherwise interacting with me or anything & it was ultimately harmless, and i've kept on doing that ever since. highly recommend!)

but. "nsfw spaces for minors"? (yikes) "sfw kink" communities open for minors? (for the love of fuck no)- you mean places designed for grooming. creeps will lie about their ages and motivations.

when and how and why and with whom matters so much when it comes to minors and sexual topics.

also i saw one person in the notes there going on about how you shouldn't tell kids what porn is until they're teens bc porn is traumatizing. fuck off with that

one thing mom did 100% right was explaining that porn is unrealistic make belief for adults that i shouldn't take seriously or try to mimic before i even knew what porn was & only had a rough understanding of sex.

that's how you prevent porn from messing with kid's perception of sex & reduce related trauma. you EDUCATE, and do it BEFORE the exposure happens. if you only teach about sex related things when they become "topical" there's a good change you're already too late. signed, more than one lesson came too late for me. fun things to learn in your-20s, yay

parents/teachers should go forward with the assumption that one way or another, minors will be exposed to sexual things, through their own curiosity, trough harassment/abuse, through peers wanting to shock them/gross them out, by pure chance/on accident, whatever it might be, and give them the tools and spaces to process what weird feelings or upset might come. pretending porn doesn't exist and demonizing sex all but guarantees issues and trauma.

#yourebabblingjulle

[actual-bill-potts]

Ok, you said to distract you, so here’s a whole collection for the ask game!

🤡 What's a line, scene, or exchange you've written that made you laugh? 🛠What tools/programs/apps do you use to write? 💖 What made you start writing? 🤲 Would you please share a snippet of a wip? 🎉 What leads you to consider a fic a success?

Thank you so much, you're the best <3

🤡 What's a line, scene, or exchange you've written that made you laugh? Answered this here, but here's another one that I really like:

"Ugh," Maglor exclaimed, gingerly wrapping his own Orc-skin about himself. "Why must you make unpleasant comments when the stench around me is already so foul?"

"I hadn’t noticed a change from your usual presence," Maedhros said mildly, and ducked to avoid the clod of dirt that came sailing towards his head a second later.

Ah, sibling bickering. I love to write it.

🛠What tools/programs/apps do you use to write? I am comically low-tech here. If I'm on my phone, I write using the Notes app; if I'm at my laptop, I write directly in AO3. I realize this is terrible but the AO3 interface is so much less scary than a blank word document, don't @ me.

💖 What made you start writing? Hmm. What made me start writing at all, or what made me start writing unhinged silm fic? To answer the former: I've wanted to be an author since I was like. 5. I have notebooks upon notebooks from my childhood full of stories: about a group of rainbow kitties that live in the sky, a rabbit with fire powers, horse girls, two cousins trapped in a lighthouse, poorly-disguised Les Mis fanfiction; Antarctic explorers; etc etc. I also wrote a shit ton of poetry and many plays that I forced my siblings to act in when we were younger, haha. I've always been writing.

In terms of fic writing, though, what really started me writing fic was when I was starting college as a STEM major and realizing that I...really needed a creative outlet or I was going to go insane. I'd been reading fic since I was like 10, and writing it in my head/in little notebooks for a long time, but had never dared to try posting it before. But I was in college and figured, why the hell not? So here I am ^_^

🤲 Would you please share a snippet of a wip? gladly! here's a little bit from my Athrabeth script:

Finrod (trying for cheer): - Well! We were talking of death. You referred to death as Morgoth’s curse. 

Andreth: I did.

Finrod: But - death comes to all things. If Eru had not created death, it would not be in this world. Morgoth has made death a fearful thing, to be sure - but without Morgoth’s stain, perhaps death would be quite different. Rest and release, rather than a terrified flight into darkness.

Andreth: What do you know of death? No Elf can know death as we do.

Finrod: We know death. We know death, and we fear it! My people died, and died, and died on the Ice; and those we followed here have fallen to Morgoth. We are dying still in battle - and not one of us will be spared in the end - in the battle to defend all the children of Eru from Morgoth! Not just Elves.

Andreth (acerbic): I have not heard it said that Fëanor led the Noldor from Aman to defend Men. But perhaps the noble house of Finarfin did not care so much for treasure (this with an ironic glance at Finrod’s ring-decked fingers and layers of necklaces). 

Beat.

Andreth: In any case, I say to you again that you do not know death as we do. Death may hurt you; it may bring loss; but for you there may be healing, and you may hope to see your kin again. While we - we go out into utter darkness; and we do not return. It is a curse: and it is a grievous wrong that has been done unto us.

🎉 What leads you to consider a fic a success? I think I consider a fic a success if I enjoy re-reading it! If I write a fic, post it, and then never think about it again, then either I didn't write it compellingly enough or the concept wasn't that great in the first place.

Thank you again friend!! <3

#asked and answered #ask game

[thekristen999]

Kristen! I kinda want to know everything about the art therapy fic.

1: What inspired you to write the fic this way?

5: What part was hardest to write?

11: What do you like best about this fic?

Seriously everything. Anything. I love it very much.

Kristen! I kinda want to know everything about the art therapy fic.

@homerforsure! Oh, wow. This story was very special to me and I'm thrilled you wanted to know more about it!

1: What inspired you to write the fic this way?

So many reasons. The thing about PTSD and PTSD recovery is the journey it requires. Memories and emotions get stuck and it's very challenging to process things that you're unaware are an issue, and oftentimes have buried away. I didn't see Eddie in a place where he could sit down and discuss his trauma.  He was never raised to openly talk about his feelings or emotions and given that ingrained inability to express himself, he simply didn't know or how to use words.

I wrote this from a very deep Eddie POV. So, we're stumbling along with him. He wants desperately to give these methods a try even if he's skeptical about them. He's bone-tired, he's exhausted, so I wanted to throw the reader in a desperate state.  In my head this story was a montage and I wrote it like that.  Eddie's struggles from one session to the other, grappling with his therapist's questions, his interpretations of  the art assignments, and ultimately how journaling, painting, and things like the balloon challenge were all about outlets.

 Not probing questions and discussions like in talk therapy. Eddie wasn't ready for discussions, he just needed ways to release his emotions in order for him to get to a spot where he could begin healing. And getting there, finding ways to be creative, and realizing that Eddie was always very creative, but not knowing it, was important to me. 

5: What part was hardest to write?

Writing the art assignments in a show, not tell way, and using the methods involved in art therapy in a way that didn't feel like exposition. Most people don't have giant inner monologues of self discovery. But they can have moments of catharsis. I didn't want to write about how Eddie painted a mountain, I wanted to show how applying giant blobs of dark colors made Eddie feel. I wanted to show how writing down his inner-struggles and acknowledging them could release some of the pain inside him. And that's a lot harder than it sounds.

11: What do you like best about this fic?

How natural it was to include Buck in Eddie's journey. Not only Buck being there and encouraging Eddie, but also taking part in some of the assignments and finding his own outlets of release. Sharing in Eddie's healing and getting on the path of his own.

I'm so sorry for rambling! It's been a while since I've felt inspired :)

#eddie diaz #buddie #my writing #ask and answer #kristen999writes #tw ptsd

[simmonsized]

Hehe it’s okay, I expected that to happen since it just came out.

Anyway, wanna give us a Bro Strider relationship status update with people he has interacted with so far in this fic?

(WARNING FROM FUTURE ME: this post is VERY long. I'm SO sorry.)

LFKSFJ:IJF:OWIJW:O THE WAY YOU HAVE WORDED THIS IS SO FUNNY

i honesty don't know where to start with this guy LOL ummmm i will be honest we could be here literally all day. it's kind of hard to get into the idea of explaining this without stating exactly how far we've come but it really has come from "my god if only i could be alone for five fucking years wow what a world" to "my god if only i could be alone for five fucking seconds jesus christ" SO. not that much of an improvement but. an improvement!

i'm going to do this in bullet points slap-dashed real quick and dirty like bc there are SO many of them (<- second note from future me this was my hubris talking) (ps i got bro meta all mixed up in there i'm so sorry)

PREFACE: i think a lot of what comes across as "gentle" early bro strider stems from like, well u know all the fucked up shit with his soul, kind of slowly reanimating from Machine to Human Again, Dirk Strider (Bro Strider) with a Purpose, a single-minded idea of how things Have to Be, to a place where "i shouldn't be here i was supposed to be done and now i'm not sure how to proceed"

not to quote my own fic but this is a lot of our starting point:

"Your technique was a major shit show.” “Yeah, I’m starting to realize that now.” “Kinda surprising you didn’t realize it sooner.” It’s not, really. “Yeah, I--” He cuts himself off and you tense up, watch the lines of his shoulders for movement. “I don’t know.”

The point here was never, "Bro Strider is an Irredeemable Monster", but it was also never going to be "Bro Strider feels bad about what he did" because to start, he most definitely fucking doesn't. LOL. I think he saw the way he raised Dave as a necessity, and that it was the most logical path to follow, and that it never mattered if either of them liked it (i don't think bro liked much of anything back then, except for puppets lmao) because it was the path of least resistance with the highest likelihood for success. (I will not get into the way homestuck sets us up like it's a master-apprentice anime joke only to shit on people about it later, because i already made that whole post abt bro and dave and shit u know.) I see him very much the way we see early Dirk Strider, before his disaster with Jake, back when he really thought that pushing his friends to be their "Best Selves" was doing them a favor. Take that as you will.

From here we see Bro change from Before (purpose) to After (lack of purpose, no sense of self) and this influenced a lot of the way i ended up writing him. Which! basically he starts defaulting to how he raised Dave before training because he has. Absolutely no fucking clue how to handle Dave now that they're not strifing anymore, now that there's no game to train for. (Bro would rather he was not anything, anymore but. we won't get into that.)

ANYWAY

Dave(no-longer-a-sprite): a lot of their relationships started as ultra guilt-based on both ends. not from the past, but really just centering the part both of them played in Bro's death. i know we don't have canon proof of bro dying for davesprite but it's my world and i say he did bc it rly does make a weird amount of sense and follows my Guardian's Obligation to Keep Their Player Alive at All Costs. yes even doomed offshoots of their kid. ANYWAY. the two of them have benefited (yikes) from Dave's struggle with depression and his desperation not to let Bro's death be his fault (even though obviously it wasn't) and just their mutually weird "i was supposed to die but now i'm here. what do i do?" Dave didn't have the same revelation as Dave about all his shit with Bro, and he never had an outlet. He just internalized. But this also leads to our first apology! wow so early on and yet there are 50+ chapters that trail after it. It's almost like I believe that saying sorry is the first step or something! Basically their relationship went from revolving around death and a lack of purpose to the first kind of tentative, actual attempt at something of a familial relationship. I can't call Dave a trial run, because that's not fair, nor is it accurate, but Dave(sprite) is a more forgiving figure due to his isolation, and is more likely (not good) to forgive Bro his slip-ups than the other Dave. Also Dave says some alarming ass shit to him and I think that was probably something of a wake-up call for him, like a call to arms or somethin'. Basically, they are trying their best. Or I think they are! :)

Dave (not a sprite and never has been, this is why we call them apple and orange fellas): His relationship takes more effort and more time. Dave has a relationship with Dirk now, that is more positive than whatever he had with Bro (obviously) and it's not like he doesn't NEED Bro, because fuckssake they're still kids (you left a good ask about this but i forgot to answer because i'm a mess) and they need guardians but they're like. These two are the EPITOME of the concept of "you can love someone and want a relationship with them even if they hurt you so bad you can never forgive them." That is their baseline. It permeates every interaction. Dave is almost never not thinking about who Bro used to be, versus the way he's changed. He's jealous of Dave(sprite, for simplicity), he's jealous of Dirk, he's jealous of Old Dave, but he doesn't know how to ask for... whatever it is he wants! Not to mention Dave now has his own personal experience with Bro dying right in front of him, or preventing his death (sort of twice, i s'pose) and having a direct hand in that gave him a weird kind of catharsis, some kind of choice he never got to make as a thirteen-year old (and wouldn't have, anyway, as he confesses at some point). They are genuinely working some shit out. I just think it'll take more time.

Mom: Wow! His best friend from a past life where he was cruel and awful but also at one point may have had feelings and emotions and could have been a person but never so much as he wanted to be, and he's definitely jealous of her, and he also knows that she is imperfect, the same way all guardians tend towards a lack of perfection, but they balance each other out. They are both what I would call "opposite sides of the extreme" if u know what I mean. He is the most comfortable with her because he does not have to pretend, and does not have to be gentle, and she will take his shit because she wants to, and he doesn't want her to, but he can sort of.... She is the first person Bro Strider trusts again, I think. Or he wants to. I think he's just now starting to realize that maybe it's not all bullshit, when people believe in him.

Nanna Egbert (and Hass I spose): Resentment for a life that he was always supposed to leave vs the first adult who ever showed him kindness vs growing up mean and crooked vs the way that she forgives, so so easily, too easily. But he wants her to be proud of him but no he doesn't but yes he does. He would probably bend over backwards for Nanna to make her smile. He would also let Hass put him in a chokehold but only as long as it would take to fucking suplex him into a table. He would never admit to these residual attachments because they are all mixed up in who he used to be, and he doesn't know yet how to separate them from who he is trying to be now.

Dirk: I am not getting into my dirk vs bro vs dirk meta but it went from: This is just me and he is not a real person because he's me so who cares what i say to him -> He is me but now i see that he is also a person who reflects who i used to be and i don't like that -> i'm embarrassed -> I understand him and he understands me to a point and i REALLY don't like that -> beginning to see Dirk as his own person mixed up with "sometimes he's Dirk, sometimes he's you". Dirk meta. we could go all day.

Rose: I already made a whole post about Bro and Rose LOL. Rose wants something from Bro. Bro feels obligated because she's related to Roxy, but it's also maybe the first outside relationship where someone knows who he is from the start and still... appears to want to know him?

Roxy: Mom Lalonde Jr. Feels weirdly comfortable with her. Or at least less likely to snap at her. Thinks she's funny. Doesn't really know how to deal with kids sometimes but he tries, with her. She's kind of the only one (outside of u know).

Alpha Rose: Absolutely Not.

The other Guardians: Amused but tolerant. Annoyed but intrigued. Willing to put up with their bullshit from a sense of obligation he cannot explain and that frustrates him (it's just because they remind him of Nanna and Hass, he swears)

Alpha Dave (flavor: Pacific Cooler): Wow. We could be here for LITERALLY all day. No one has asked for my Bro vs Alpha Dave meta. I'd rather not get into it but alpha Dave was built as a reflection of Dave's worst traits but also as more of a direct parallel to Bro. They understand each other. They don't want to understand each other. Bro has basically gone from "wow who the FUCK is this douchebag it has been so long since i have met another adult who would probably kill someone without blinking" to "i guess he's okay." That is where we are, and doesn't that speak a thousand words.

Hal: It is not Hal's fault that their first interaction went so poorly. I know we don't talk about Cal as a juju but man fucked up ARquiussprite was all mixed up in there right. What the fuck. ANYWAY i think he has reached exasperation on a Dirkesian level with Hal, but also perhaps the beginnings of "oh he's a kid" and thus we have. Gestures to all of the black text in the new chapter. Bro thinks of himself as so far removed from the identity of "Dirk Strider" that he sometimes makes decisions other people would find "bad" and "not very good". Still, Hal is a kid. He knows Hal is a kid. He can kind of tell he's a lonely kid, even if he won't admit it (because Bro was a lonely kid, once upon a time.) I think he thinks Hal is annoying. Has no qualms about blocking him without a second thought. But he won't stop him from pestering him, either! :)

THIS IS UM. TOO LONG?????????????????? This is all i can think of i am sure i am missing someone but fuck me what a cast am i right.

#not even my longest post i think #lmfao who am i missing ummmm #the run and go fic #spoilers i guess #glad we are all at peace with the decision i made for hal this chapter lmfao no one has shaken me about it #SPOILERS I GUESS #the daves are orange apple and pacific cooler yes those are their official titles

[vermeerdear]

My dad died. And it's the worst thing that's ever happened to me. I lost the one person who was usually on my side even if he didn't speak up. I lost the kindest man I knew in the world. I lost the parent that was still trying to parent me even if he wasn't sure how. I lost the person I thought would be here for me at least another 20 years. And now I'm stuck with a narcasisstic mother, grandparents who screamed at me for being ungrateful at my father's death, an aunt who has said more about my weight and eating habits than she has said in comfort of my dad dying and a grandmother who doesn't understand why I won't just swoop in and save my mother rather than just dwelling on my own needs. And all i want to do is cry. I cry every day, many, many times a day. I can't go to the store and look at oatmeal without crying cause my dad ate oatmeal and that's enough to wreck me. And there is something to make me cry in every store, every venue, every day. I want to grieve so badly but the only outlet I have found is crying. When I try to talk about my grief, no one wants to hear or it just doesn't compare with their own grief or they think I'm crazy for crying over "oatmeal". I just want a situation where my grief can be loud and messy and unrestrained but I haven't found that place yet outside of holding my dog close and soaking her fur or sobbing into the carpet until my partner realizes I've gone beyond helping. I want to punch every doctor that put us here, I want to throttle every family member that did us so so wrong, I want to slap my grandparents across the face for writing and publishing an obituary before me and my brother could. I was robbed of my dad by the world and robbed of the basic decencies of death by his family and I was robbed of my little time with him by the shit medical system of this country and now I am robbed of grieving by those who think they are hurting more than me. I just want my dad back. I'm so mad and so sad I just end up screaming and I wish someone would hear my screams and understand.

[chillinfilipino]

I've been keeping my distance from people lately, probably because I'm always cautious about protecting my energy. Let me explain... I used to be outgoing, but dealing with past trauma that resurfaced in 2020 has made it tough for me to let new people in. Honestly, I was furious, filled with so much anger, and hate that I didn't even know was in me.

I've been thinking a lot about whether I regretted being so involved in the movement. I wanted to stand up for what's right. And it's been kind of confusing, especially because it took a toll on my mental health during all that intense protesting. I knew why I was out there, fighting against injustice and racism. Being a POC, I've faced my share of racism since I was a kid. Being in physical fights to defend yourself all the time can be draining. Dealing with verbal abuse can caused anxiety. I never really shared my experiences because it's not easy... People don't always get what we go through unless we talk about it. Maybe that's why I'm sharing this. I think it's important for people to express their feelings because It's therapeutic and if you don't have anyone to talk to, writing it down in a journal can really help. Therapy could be helpful too. Michelle was really on my case about it, and It actually made a difference. So, I stuck with it for about a year, feeling like I was in a good place. But then, life got busy with a new job and the business, and the free therapy ride was over. I figured I could handle things on my own. Turns out, that wasn't the best call. After a couple months without therapy, I realized I wasn't as strong as I thought. And then, someone close to me started saying the wrong things to me about my clothing brand business, using the wrong choice of words. I felt betrayed, and it messed with my head, bringing all that anger back to the surface. When I wasn't mentally there, I ended up getting into a big argument at work, standing up for someone who was treated unfairly. I lost my job over it because I threw something at their face. Was it right to stick up for someone? Absolutely. But getting physical wasn't the answer, especially when I wasn't in the right headspace.

So, how do I move forward from here? Do I point fingers at the people who got under my skin? Nah, that won't solve anything. I know I could've handled it differently. Instead of letting my past dictate my reactions, I could've talked it out with the person who said something about my brand and i could've ignored the issue that happened at work and let the HR handle it. But Michelle, the voice of reason, called me out on my behavior. She's the one who keeps it real with me, even when it's tough to hear. And let's be real, it's not fair for her to deal with my past struggles. Nobody should have to deal with someone who's not actively trying to work through their issues. If you're in the same boat as me, just know there are people out there rooting for you, genuinely wanting to see you grow. Don't take advantage of that support. Keep striving to be the best version of yourself. I'm lucky to have my girlfriend by my side, supporting me through it all. But it's a two way street. I've got to be there for her just as much.

Right now, my clothing brand is my main outlet for expressing myself. Every day, I work on staying mentally strong. I don't want to pass down this pattern of anger to my future. And I definitely don't want people to be scared of me when I'm not feeling myself. It's important for me to keep applying what I learned in therapy. I know what helps me when I'm feeling down. Listening to lofi music while I'm designing, creating content, watching documentaries of entrepreneurs, listening to podcast interviews, and watching anime and pro wrestling etc.. Also I know it's better to have days with my girlfriend and balancing my life. Being an entrepreneur can feel pretty lonely sometimes, especially because I chose this path for myself. When I'm out there grinding for my business, I'm really betting on myself. Wherever this journey leads me, I've got to give myself credit and appreciate the small wins the people who support me. Also have to appreciate the losses and failures. Without that, how would I grow? I'm not asking for the world, but I truly value it. Meeting kind people at conventions is a reminder to enjoy life and that good people still exist out there. All I know is I've got to keep pushing to chase what I love and not let anything set me back. Every day might be unfinished, but I'm determined to make the most of it. And if you're feeling a bit lost, I hope my journey can inspire you to find your own path.

[x-lunami714-x]

EDIT: I can't go back and look but I think this is day 10? I didn't post yesterday. Seriously, it was a blan day. I'm not going back because I didn't realize that I didn't add the day number but if I go back, I could lose everything. Mind you then is after EVERYTHING was typed just the way I liked it. I don't want to take the chance to have to start all over again. This entry is a doozy.

There seems to be a pattern I have that drives me absolutely insane. Sometimes, my attitude seems to change in a matter of a few days. I'll stop bathing. I'll stop brushing my teeth. I won't eat. I don't clean. It gets worse and worse until I spend days not doing a damn thing.

These times or whatever could last a few weeks up to a few months. I just drop off and just shutdown whenever and I don't know why. Nothing would be happening and I just start to go into a downward spiral in my own head.

When it's over, I have to start putting myself together again. That's where I am now. My skin is breaking out again really bad because I'm not washing it every night. That oily build up makes skin mad. So now I have to do some pretty intense skin care at night again. You know, the whole "wipe off makeup, wash face, serum, serum, moisturizer" treatment. Might throw that clay mask once a week thing back in. Where I didn't brush my teeth before, I'm going back to day and night brush and mouth wash.

It seems to jump back and forth between being sad vs being a normal human being. I don't know where but there is a shift in realization.

I wonder if it that my cat passing away last month is what ruined November for me. Now that it's December, I'm getting close to the end of my grief? If that's the case, WHY DOES IT TAKE SO LONG?

Now I have to pick up the pieces and do damage control all over again. This is probably the most stressful times for me. Now I need to fix my skin, my hair, my overall health. After that, I can start to see like ailments around the house that need to be legitimately dealt with. That whole like, "oh you need to take care of yourself before you can take care of others thing"

Just over all getting better right now. I started writing again. I use to write all the time. Now that I have a more organized outlet where I can be my weird quirky self with way better attitude on life. Say what I wanna say in a way that I mean it. I guess where I can get across the first time? That's what makes sense to me.

Now that the doom and gloom is out of the way: my son is really progressed in reading! So we read a book together every night. I pick a book and he picks one too. We gets to choose which one we read first and we go from there. I love doing the voices for the Sesame Street characters. It sounds so dumb but hey, I think my Elmo impression is pretty damn good.

Anyway, he grabbed the book and read the cover out loud: "The Foot Book by Dr. Seuss". He did it all by himself. I actually wasn't even looking at the book yet when he said it. Honestly I was amazed. Then we started reading each word. He did so well on some words and ones that he didn't seem to get, we broke them down. If that didn't work, I'd give him the answer. (Screw you street with your stupid str 😤)

But he did it. I was so proud of him!

All I could think of was how to be patient enough to get him to genuinely learn. It reminds me of my Teacher's Aid, Mrs. Yonick (I have no idea how to spell her name but I remember what it sounds like so bare with me.) She worked with me one on one to help me with math and reading. I felt special because I got to be taken out of class to go learn from her. The way she taught felt so genuine and it sucked when she retired. I still have a beautiful handmade recycled cardboard and paper journal with a little slider on the front. I'm pretty sure she retired when I got into 5th grade, long after we stopped our lessons. She was a huge part of the compassion that I use today.

Anyway, that was an insane rant but I'm glad to get it out.

I'm off to bed. Good night. 💖

#journal #personal #healing #mental health

[oscill4te]

i cant believe most people don't grow up making code words/phrases or making convoluted sentences to communicate a message in a safe, secretive way. Ive confused friends and family growing up, thinking they also did the same, especially in urgent situations where you need information to be a secret/not known to someone, even if it was just in jest by a cousin, like "hey, dont let our uncle know about this! ", I was already thinking of and introducing secret phrases to my cousin to talk about the subject inconspicuously. And I was always shocked when they didn't pick up on the secret language or code words I introduced for us to use to keep a secret, as if this wasn't something intuitive to them.

I realized it was 100% not normal at age 19 when a past close friend confronted me on it. She had asked me how I was. I said something really confusing, I don't remember what I said though. But it was abstract, akin to the way a poet doesn't tell you objectively what their thoughts are, or what is happening in the poem. I Think I told her something like "I feel storms are brewing, the very structure I was founded on may fall apart" or some abstract shit like that, idk. In response she said "Please explain this in a way that makes sense". So I did. And the truth did shock her.

In reality I wanted to express to her that my parents were physically fighting (+ more that I do not need to detail), but I had not yet conceptualized that I was being abused and felt it was not okay to take about, let alone even consider, even if some parts of me knew what was happening in my life was difficult and not healthy environment to live in. I did not say abuse, but I told her the events that happened. And she said it was abuse, the things I was telling her about my parents. It caused a huge rift inside of me hearing that.

It seems Ive always had parts who used secretive wording to explain feelings without being caught, by neither the outside world nor even myself. My high-school art is mostly gone or deleted, but it was at its worst at that point. Incoherent word salad everywhere because I was a dysregulated teenager who desperately needed an outlet but felt so unsafe and scared describing my struggles objectively. It felt safer to create code words or symbolize my stressors so I could write about them without getting caught.

I understand why I did this too... Why call your parents abusers (as a child who desperately relies on them) when you can turn your parents into symbols and elements instead and speak about them as if it is some abstact poem that has nothing to do with your life? This not only protected me in real life, but it also protected me from cognitive dissonance that people in my life, whom I loved so much, would do such awful things to me or others. All while being able to still express myself, and not keep it all inside.

I feel I am not even explaining this well it is genuinely so difficult to explain... my brain gets very foggy when I write long things. I will say, The way my mind worked back then was not healthy and when I see people do something similar to me, I see a little bit of my struggles inside them. I hope one day they feel safe in their own mind + living environment to talk about things objectively..

#word drop.. oops.. #txt

[returntosaturn271995]

Wednesday, September 6th: High on the beach

Got too stoned again.

I see this as a "re-framing" challenge. Basically, an intrusive high thought attempts to freak out my brain, and then I immediately negotiate the fear back from the edge with logic and compassion.

I realized when I was doing the dishes that I'm someone who cleans daily. Fresh new bedding, empty sink. Also, I run daily: I ran 27 minutes (including warm-up) of intervals today. There was no walking or break but jogging in between intervals. It was hard and I felt nauseated so I had to stop three separate times to catch my breath at the end. But I did run 17:56 minutes straight at one point, I went for a total of 2.54 miles, and I kept restarting until I had reached the very end. I saw it through, which is so much more motivating than giving up on the run because having paused means I "failed" or "can't" or that "if I finish it, it wouldn't count".

Count to who? Who am I doing this for? Oh yeah, ME. Fuck the charity money, I'm doing a 5K for ME. The kids still get their money, obviously a good thing, but if it were a free 5K I probably wouldn't have voluntarily donated. Because this isn't about the kids.

It's...about me. And that's okay because this is MY fucking journal and if it's ever okay to just talk about yourself non-stop if it's in your own journal. Not to get all meta: But I keep trying to be interesting in these entries when what I really want to do is brag. But hey, better to brag in something that no one will ever read as a healthy outlet to build self-esteem than at a party to some friends or hinge match.

But I get to brag. Journaling is my keystone. When I committed to consistently and (for the most part) accurately documenting my life, I started consistently doing my other improvements. By writing these entries, sometimes just lists of the little things I was doing to stay consistent, I was acknowledging myself and making me look forward to writing another good report the next day.

It made me think about why I was resisting some work. In therapy today, I realized I need to break down and ease into tasks and that the idea of "grinding" is what truly freaks me out. I was always told I was too sensitive, and that the world would be too hard for me, and to work hard meant to push past sensitivity. I was told that my frustration and fear weren't normal instead of radically normal.

So do the stops count on a run that was meant to be non-stop? Yep. They do to me. It's still the longest run I've gone on. The trick to running is to stay relaxed even while putting in effort. If you can't relax, stop until you can. That's true for fucking everything.

I didn't make myself push through nausea because feeling sick on a run isn't something to ignore, but to listen to. Rest days are important in running and so are rest breaks in the actual run if needed. I still pushed myself, but I wasn't grinding. I encouraged myself and I finished the run I had started even if I had to make modifications. I am a runner. A real one. Because I go often, not fast. I go consistently, not far.

And I'm getting better. I'm getting better all the fucking time. I have surprised myself with the things I have done. I used to only be able to run 7 minutes before getting tired. I have run almost an hour and a half this week and it's only Wednesday.

That's a big deal. If I can't feel that, ( even though the improvement still doesn't feel big or real enough) then I'm screwed. Trying and succeeding is the best fucking feeling in the world.

Remember trying? Remember how it works every time, all the time, always? THAT YOU ACTUALLY LIKE TO TRY?

Goddamnit. I used to think hope and self-esteem were just things you had or didn't have. I thought "hardworking" and "optimistic" were just things you were or were not.

But actually, they are things you practice.

Every day. You can wake up hopeless and self-inspire until you're back in fighting shape. You can wake up hating yourself, before reciting to yourself that you really are worthy inherently. That you have to have your own back to want good things for yourself. You can feel lazy and then practice leaning into the first couple of steps anyway. You can feel really fucking scared and unsure, but practice being logical and focusing on what's within your ability to improve.

Cheers to practice. To teamwork. Instead of feeling like life is in some final game.

I really do have time. I think I've never had more time in my life.

[fish-and-forbear]

Feeling sooooooooo much better than we were before, oh my gosh....

So glad that I have as-needed anxiety medicine set aside and that I am in a really, really good place in my life to be figuring all of this out. I think if Grist + co. had appeared sooner, or I dealt with them completely on my own, it wouldn't have been so good.

It hasn't.... been perfect either, not by a long shot but. I'd like to think it's been good. I'd like to think we're doing a lot more good than bad. I sure hope so. c:>

Learning a LOT of things about ourselves in a VERY short span of time. But it's good. It's wonderful. I feel immense catharsis and I have some exciting things I want to do and work on. SO many drawings I want to make!!!!!!! I was already on a real art streak these past couple months and I can't wait to keep going!!!!!!!!!! Maybe I'll actually share it here, too? I'm not sure yet. I get nervous about posting my art because of art theft and such but. Maybe it would be nice to share some things.

And SO EXCITED for my friend to finish this text editor config of emacs for us!!!!! :D It was originally for my own worldbuilding, research, and dnd needs but I realized it would be the perfect outlet for the guys to get their thoughts/feelings out. I hope journaling will be good for them. Grist spent a couple hours today being very thoughtful and wrote the poem that I pinned.

I am so proud of him. I think it's beautiful but he's a little shy about it, which is...sort of sweet... c:>

He wants to keep writing and has enjoyed it so far. His head seems to feel very "clear" when he is really "in the zone" with writing and thinking, and I am. So impossibly proud of him for trusting himself to be kind, gentle, and wise. He IS all of those things, but he feels like he loses touch with that and it frustrates him. I understand. I was the same way, for most of my life. He just needs to realize that he gets to choose the kind of person he wants to be. He will learn how to hold his emotions and fears, feel the edges and pain and passionate feelings, and realize that he can put them down if he wants to. He feels like he can't, that in the moment he doesn't feel physically capable of being anything else than panicked/afraid/depressed/etc. and I understand that. But he will learn that he can choose what he wants to feel. He does not have to be trapped in a spiral. He absolutely HAS felt other emotions and I have SEEN how wickedly clever, funny, thoughtful, gentle, wise, and clear-headed he can be.

He just needs to learn how to put things down and when to restart. Just like I did. And continue to learn how to improve. c:>

I am hoping that having journaling and art will help him a lot. And making a clear, defined list of coping skills and grounding tools he can reference when he feels "stuck." Hoping it will get easier as I get more in control when he is stumbling, too. I think I "freeze" when he panics, because it is a trigger to me, which makes it worse.... but realizing that I can actually stop the "loop" and that we can absolutely take breaks whenever we want is extremely freeing. <3 <3

And honestly, it's not something I expected Grist, of all people, to be able to teach me.

It's something that I've struggled with my whole life and I know I am getting so much better at it, especially comparing myself to Grist who absolutely sucks at it... bless his heart... x3 But. Something about... having a name, body, person to these feelings makes me feel. So much more determined to help him, and help myself, help us realize these things. That we are allowed to let go of guilt, fear, thought loops. We can just put them down and come back later, or not at all. And if there's a real problem, we can fix it, because that's what we do as mature, responsible adults. c:>

And... he's also helped me realize that sometimes... sometimes people aren't ready for certain things, and that's okay.

That doesn't mean it wasn't special while it lasted. It is... definitely something that I've spent the past few years slowly processing, after the end of my own 8 year relationship with someone I loved (and love) very, very much. That person is still in my life, but in a different, healthier, more distanced way. That person has also helped me realize that...relationships come in many forms. And that is wonderful.

I don't know how to describe it.

Grist realizing that he doesn't need a sexual partnership/devotion to feel happy/fulfilled in the type of relationship he wants. Yes what he wants is... maybe a little stranger than a conventional friendship, but that makes sense for him. His people were...a special bunch. And the camaraderie that he shared with them resonates with me, as well. It's something I ALSO needed to hear, I think.

That we can pick and choose exactly what we want and need and that is wonderful. I don't know why we were both so foolish as to not see that that is alright to do.

And for me... being honest with myself, and those that I care about so deeply, that sometimes something can be impossibly beautiful, joyous, kind, gentle, and lifechanging (in a great way!) but also needs space to breathe. Sometimes that means a LOT of space. And that is okay. Sometimes that means regrouping later (like my friendship with my ex-partner, where we are now better friends in the past 3 years than the other 10 that we knew each other!!! c:) and sometimes maybe not. And that's okay too. c:>

I am just..... so relieved. So RELIEVED beyond words that we didn't ruin it. We really didn't. We're going to be okay and we did the right thing. I know we did. And even today, I am just.... so happy..... I am so happy with the way things are, right now... I am so so so so so so so so relieved. <3 <3 <3 <3

Even if it changes more, even if.... if Grist or Neumes can't talk someday and we aren't together anymore, or our friendships change or disappear entirely, or our memories fade and we forget, that's okay. It's going to be okay. Because these things still happened and it was beautiful and we were here. <3

#is there a word for the OPPOSITE of a scar? #scars imply... a healed injury that never fully leaves you #but what would you call something that is like a wonderful beautiful memory or experience that brightens your very soul #bittersweet as it may be #and likely disappears over time or changes entirely #but it is not a bad thing. it is not. its like.... the opposite of what scars do #scars fade and stop hurting as much but they can still ache. some days worse than others #but whatever this is its more like... they fade completely and remembering them brings them back #like stepping out a doorway into a warm spring day. like feeling new sunlight warm your body and feeling the breath in your lungs #as if you were breathing again for the first time #i dont know if there is a word for it #but i believe i know what that is now. #i hope this resonates with others too this phenomena i mean... i will try to do research and see if there is some obscure word that matches #that definition..... hopefully it resonates with others! c: #and if not. really im just glad i wrote this and will probably save this as one of my first system journal entries <3 #- Fisher #system journal #long post

[emptysighs66x]

Don't know if this counts as a shitpost since I'm mentally exhausted. I've been offline today for a myriad of reasons.

Work was fine yesterday and then it wasn't. I got overwhelmed with things not working properly at one point, got myself in an awful headspace since I work alone for the last couple of hours of my shift, tried to text someone to reach out for help only to not get a reply, and by the time I got home, I just broke down. I was acting erratic, I was fidgeting, I was going through a severe break basically that it seemed like a ledge I could not get off of, and with that break, all the walls and who I am came down with it. Online, I have no filter, I am my own persona with my interests, my quirks, my obsessions, and I feel free and open and honest as long as I know that only my friends and strangers are watching. In real life, I'm an introvert, with not many irl friends, I don't talk in great detail about my hobbies, and I try to repress my quirks as people tend to have bad reactions to them. I'm like that for the large reason of I've been through a lot of trauma in my life from my mother walking out on me, to having an abusive ex, to being bullied relentlessly in high school for being the quiet kid who liked to write gay, sometimes erotic fanfiction. Last night those two personas basically merged during my break.

Until last night, I kept a lot of myself bottled up from the person who means the most to me, Kevin. We've been together for five years and I know him better than his own family. Not much surprises me anymore when he tells me something, yet I kept what I do online quiet. He knew I liked to write, but he's always assumed it was romance novels. He knew I liked to read, but he thought I was always editing things for people. I've mentioned fanfiction once or twice at off hand times that made him think nothing of it. I told him last night during my break that I was stressed because my writing has deteriorated in the past couple of months and I'm struggling to put out chapters of my story and since I'm struggling and that's my only thing I've been inspired to write lately, I have no outlet for these spells if I can't use that specific one.

And while it wasn't just the writing deterioration that caused the break, it was a part of it because again, that's my outlet to keep from getting like that.

I told him about my story. About the basic jist of it keeping our character names and the work that it was inspired by, but I told him that I was once famous on the internet for writing homoerotic fanfiction in my late teens as I was one of the most active writers in my fandom, as well as the fact that I constantly took requests from my readers. I haven't openly told anyone about me writing fanfiction in many, many years.

And he took it well I guess. He seemed a bit baffled by the admittance, but he said it explained a lot of things, especially when I'm in the midst of reading something serious and he had to draw my attention away from it, he says that I get a look that says I'm guilty of doing something.

He made me feel better, let me talk about my interests and quirks, let me show my true self and pull away my hypothetical mask for a good while. Today, I woke up early because I didn't feel like I slept very well, took a nap sometime midday, made plans with my dad for tomorrow, and now I'm just trying to get myself wound down for the night.

I go back to work Monday, and while I do admit that I enjoy the job, with my mental health issues, if I don't find myself getting a lot more comfortable or less overwhelmed soon, I might lose it again at one point or another. I've thought about going back to therapy, but the therapist usually tries to blame my problems on my alcoholic boyfriend who is realizing that he's struggling again, when it reality a lot of it boils down to the fact that I've been through a lot in 24 years of existence and the repeated traumas have left scars in my mind.

Hopefully it'll all get better.

#tw mental illness #mind of kayla vi

[uchikatsu]

( cw for mental illness, substance abuse, self harm, & suicidal thoughts )

since some time in his late teen years, genji has struggled with borderline personality disorder. for a long time, however, his behaviours were attributed simply to genji being genji.

he was diagnosed in early adulthood, though seeing a psychiatrist was not something he personally wanted to do. he would always insist himself to be fine, hated to be honest about his emotions or mental state because he didn’t want to be seen as weak. he faced enough disapproval from his family and the clan as it was.

after being diagnosed, he was scheduled for therapy sessions and dbt (dialectic behaviour therapy), but he only ever attended a few of these appointments. the rest were skipped out on. he didn’t have anyone making sure that he went or even checking that he attended.

he was also prescribed some medications to help him balance some symptoms, but he didn’t keep up with taking them as he was supposed to. they were also abused on some occasions, but he never went back to his psychiatrist to get more after going through the few months of refills.

now i’m going to go through the symptoms of bpd, how genji has been affected by these, and how he coped with them.

FEAR OF ABANDONMENT.  prior to his near-death, genji saw himself as more or less abandoned by much of his family / clan. he was viewed with disdain and seen as a liability, all because of who he was as a person. though he didn’t care a great deal about the opinions of the clan, this all still had a greater impact on his self-esteem than he ever let on. what really terrified him was the idea of being abandoned by hanzo and his father. when hanzo began to pull away and become more involved with the clan’s expectations of him, genji would fluctuate between getting into massive arguments with his brother and practically begging him to spend time with him like they used to, or to not listen to what anyone, particularly the elders, had to say. the death of his father sent him spiraling into grief & depression for the short period of time he had to begin processing it before he was nearly killed.

for the majority of his time in blackw/atch & overw/atch, genji avoided making any attachments to people as best he could under the belief that in the end, they would either leave or betray him. he had no trust whatsoever

by the time of the recall, he’s still somewhat tentative about making new connections with people, but he has regained the ability to trust. there’s still a lingering fear of being abandoned by those he cares about, but this rarely results in any of the lashing out that it used to.

UNSTABLE RELATIONSHIPS.  prior to overw/atch, genji’s friendships and relationships were always short-lived. friends tended to last no more than a month or two before he cycled on to new ones, and ‘relationships’ were less that and more… one-night stands or casual sex. people would seem great at first, but he swung quickly from idealizing to devaluing. plus, if he left them first, they couldn’t abandon him.

relationships were especially tumultuous during his time in blackw/atch — most of the time genji despised the people he had to work with, at BEST finding them annoying. eventually some DID grow on him to an extent, but it didn’t lessen his hostility toward them much. there were occasions when he was calmer and even… open with others, but these moments were infrequent and never lasted long before he was right back to closed off and unpleasant. no one ever knew where they stood with him.

in the time of the recall, his relationships are much steadier, but there are still times where he will idealize others or devalue them, get angry at them for the smallest of reasons, etc. this is particularly the case with hanzo as he tries to mend the relationship with his brother.

UNCLEAR / SHIFTING SELF-IMAGE.  in his younger years, genji swung back and forth to some extremes on how he saw himself. at times he felt he felt great about himself, even felt superior to others, and other times he felt like an utter disappointment, like what the clan elders said about him was true, like he was a mistake that didn’t belong — not that you’d have been able to tell. he was always good at hiding this. even hanzo only saw the cracks in his confident facade a few times.

in blackw/atch, the negative self-image was by far more prominent than anything positive. he hated himself constantly rather than only sometimes, and the only real argument that went back and forth was that of whether he was human or machine.

by recall, self-image is much more stabilized and generally more positive. that isn’t to say he doesn’t still struggle, as there are still times where he feels like he’s a bad person, but he’s come a long way from where he once was.

SELF-HARM.  something that genji mostly engaged in during his time in blackw/atch. he would self-harm primarily through cutting himself and sometimes even tearing at pieces of his synthetic body — removing the outer plates, ripping at wires, etc. many of the scars across what skin he has left were caused by himself. he was also quite heavily suicidal during this time, faced with suicidal thoughts quite frequently. he would sometimes throw himself into battle almost like he was TRYING to die.

EXTREME EMOTIONAL SWINGS.  genji has always been prone to swinging from one emotion to another with enough speed to cause WHIPLASH. he can be perfectly happy one moment and fall into a depressed place the next, could go from somewhere content to outrage over the seemingly smallest things. the swings are intense, but generally don’t last long.

IMPULSIVE & SELF-DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOURS.  though some of his reckless and impulsive behaviours were simply him being young and… well, reckless, a great deal of the time they were fueled by a desperate need to FEEL GOOD, or to FEEL SOMETHING AT ALL. nights spent partying, getting drunk and doing drugs, hooking up with strangers, these were all methods genji used to cope. they made him feel better in the moment and distracted him from his life. on top of substance abuse & risky sex, he’d also spend money carelessly & excessively and commit the occasional crime ( outside his family’s business ), such as shoplifting.

as a blackw/atch agent, genji would throw himself recklessly into combat without any real care for himself. he often wound up in the medical wing with serious injuries, parts needing replacing, and sometimes with entire limbs missing. this was a combination of a need to feel something — anything — and being honestly quite suicidal.

come recall, genji is still impulsive, but he’s far better about keeping himself under control. he’ll still be reckless at times, but not nearly to the extent as in his past.

CHRONIC FEELINGS OF EMPTINESS.  fairly self explanatory. something he dealt with heavily prior to his near death and until his time with black/overw/atch was done. as with the other symptoms, he’s much better in the present, but does still struggle with some empty numbness.

EXPLOSIVE ANGER.  also fairly self-explanatory and, again, primarily a symptom he faced in the past. it was absolutely the most extreme during blackw/atch.

FEELING SUSPICIOUS &/OR OUT OF TOUCH WITH REALITY.  dissociation is another symptom that has affected genji across much of his life and is one of the symptoms that still affects him the most by the time of the recall. it was, understandably, especially bad during the first year or so after having much of his body replaced with cybernetics, but during times of stress, particularly emotional stress that he would and still does hide, he’ll often feel as though things aren’t real, or as though he’s outside his body. he’s good with grounding exercises in the present though, whereas in the past this was another symptom that he would try to solve with distractions & self-destructive behaviours.

#once upon a time i realized i was unintentionally writing genji with symptoms of bpd #and realized it wasn't just me using writing as an outlet for my own but that the disorder actually fits #and it's become a really important headcanon to me #🗡️ — 「 まだまだ 」 headcanon. #mental illness / #substance abuse / #self harm / #suicidal thoughts / #ask to tag /