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necrophilemagpie · 5 months

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why this whole thing has such a grip on the brain

is the oc insert because i am obsessed in putting the dragon in situations? perhaps, but frankly

it's mostly about putting the trio in situations because the canon doesnt quite have anyone who'd provide the exact flavor of sheer identity crisis

[whoops this thing is way too long]

someone that is revealed to, before all of this, to have for a very long time simply kept on living in the human world anyway despite their inhumanity is arguably a description that doesn't... add up cleanly ideologically with how Hellsing operates, does it?

Though, funnily enough, 'ordinary human' doesn't apply cleanly to even any of the actual literal human major characters of the story except for maybe the wild geese.

There is a reason Pip has to give the speech about grieving the burning city and Sir Penwood had to make his strategically important sacrifice. The Iscariots dont read like normal people enough for something like this. Integra may be a sort of messy symbol for humanity narratively but the way the actual story treats her?

She's as much an outsider to humanity as the monsters are.

Been that way since that fateful day since she was 12, depending on how you imagine she was raised, maybe has always been to a degree.

Highly doubt Integra had much of a taste of normal human society. She's clearly not even remotely friendly with the other knights. Sure, she found Penwood amusing but i highly doubt they were in any capacity close. It doesn't appear the woman even Really leaves the manor outside of her job. We see her in civilian attire Once for fucks sake and it felt very 'what are normal people clothes again' to me personally. Walter and the vampires are realistically the only real close relationships she really ever had.

Seras too, has lived through something incredibly traumatic as a child and has been given no community or support, seen as at most a nuisanse. We do not get any mention of an adoptive family or other previous life to come back too, and its a context where in real life omission alone would be very telling.

Through that she has arguably too been robbed of being 'allowed' to be truly human long before she became a vampire. She was around people, sure, public school, foster care, what have you, but I somehow doubt a girl with severe ptsd would be understood much considering the time Hellsing is set in. If you're unwell as a kid you quickly learn just how conditional the care of strangers can be. Even if on paper they're meant to take care of you. She's kept up a mask of humanity with varying success but likely had known very little warmth a human life supposedly entails.

Alucard is strongly implied to believe that his humanity was torn away from him. He openly mourns it, but feels like he's been all but thrown into the grave of undeath by being forced to protect himself, and he's since only dug it so, so much deeper that he can scarcely see the sun anymore.

The very idea of being anything besides monstrous is very ludicrous to him, and he's so very jealous, of anyone who seems to have had even the slightest bit of a choice.

He was impatient and annoyed with how long it took Seras to accept her new nature because to him. It confused him to no end why Integra would never just make it official and admit her humanity was too incomplete to keep.

monsters are one way, humans are the other.

Humans have friends and family. They have homes to come back to, take care of each other, like many other animals they play and express individuality. They love, and love in uncomplicated, unconditional ways.

Monsters are inevitably alone. There isnt really a place for them to belong, they're solitary and must learn to enjoy it. Violence is, if not enjoyable, grimly necessary to a monster. A monster's attachment to others is a laborious, painful thing.

There is a clear line. You can't be both, you can't be one but keep some traits of the other.

But that's just one way of thinking, is it?

The dragon certainly starts out fitting so very neatly into the monster box. Glassy eyes, little priorities, truly alien relationship to the self. Their illness makes them appear like something that Should be dead. The way they seem to rationalize their situation comes off arguably even less human than even Alucard does.

And that would make sense! They weren't human for hundreds upon hundreds of years, in fact they were never human at all. There are some universal human experiences like how most acessible in modernity human food tastes or childhood they are fundamentally external to.

But as time goes on, as they realize that for the first time in the last few years, they're fine to stop running on empty and rest? As they find it safe enough to speak earnestly? The line gets increasingly blurry.

They start to talk of first sensible subjects like music and prose and history, but increasingly you'd find they're not simply 'making polite civilized conversation,' no. They've known some of the histories they speak of first hand, were friends with some of the writers mentioned even. They're intimately familiar with Making music, what goes into a play, and know a surprising amount about notably dated by now music production hardware and software. There's silly stories they have on hand to share.

Community to the degree Integra likely hadn't really ever known.

They've accepted certain few as siblings, they even apparently know how to take care of a child. They are currently the primary caretaker of their mysterious """benefactor's""" child because 'the woman might've wanted the kid but doesn't much care for raising one.' They genuinely care for the kid, and not Just because its someone else hurt by the same person. They seem to have Opinions on what's good for a child that seem to come from experience. It's not their first time around.

The culture to whom the human that caused them to exist belonged to? They still identify with it. Kept track of the family even, for actual hundreds of years they've been the distant relative that visits sometimes.

They seem to earnestly love the people they speak of and miss those no longer alive or who've they been unable to reach for the past nine years, which is most of them.

Family in a way Seras struggles to even imagine having.

Their illness, though something specific to nonhumans, is suddenly rather easy to recontextualize as a collection of individual rather human symptoms. Integra even has similar complaints about her joints. Their sometimes stilted speech isn't hard to accept as a mixture of something like neurodivergence and having modern english be about 5th language they learned. Humans do plenty of these same things with gender and sexuality too, thats nothing too special.

Even their suffering under the control of the woman in red, if you pay closer attention... starts looking a good bit more like plain old domestic abuse.

Yet they're very obviously Not a human, they say as much too.

The way they grieve is from a different angle, from one colored by hundreds of years of losing people, unable to forget even one. The way they love is similar, encasing every moment in amber of their eerily clear memory. They know too much historical context for every aspect of society to take much seriously, looking right for the outsiders of it for something truly interesting.

For fuck's sake, it's barely even blood what courses through their veins, even their internal anatomy is a touch off.

Somehow though, they lack Alucard's characteristic violent self hatred about it. Even in their current situation, having the very 'justification' for their abuse be that they're not human, they are very firm in the fact that being a dragon IS a cornerstone of their identity, that its not something that can be removed or altered, they wouldn't particularly want to be a human, and they're not worse off for it, they just Are who they are.

At peace with their belonging outside of humanity. Something Alucard swore to never be as much as complacent with.

They dont come in trying to challenge anything particularly, they just happen to be the kind of person the trio's worldview hadn't truly been tested against.

If any luck, maybe it'd get them to give some much needed attention to their own traits that have never quite fit the ideology either.

You know.

The real reason Integra had long known she wants Hellsing to cease to exist, at least in the way it does now.

Besides, it's kind of pointless rummaging through the shadows searching for boogeymen when monstrous humans are just as real.

"the woman in red" as the dragon calls her, may just be one.

#integra hellsing #alucard hellsing #seras victoria #hellsing fanart #hellsing oc #necrowriting #dragonshapedpuzzlebox #doodle only semi related i just wanted to have Some visual on here because its such a long block of text #this is very long and rambly oops #if you're backreading through my blog for the actual story writing feel free to skip this one its way on the unedited side

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deepest-dope · 1 year

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miscellaneous notes about how i think some of my fave raiders do in fist fights including my ocs

chance is pretty well rounded, actually tends to lean towards counter punching in terms of actual tactics even though he is in fact more then strong enough to just clock people the hell out, though if you push him hell fall back on brute force. steady on his feet but doesnt like kicking so keeps it mostly as a last resort. takes hits like a brick wall, in that you are likely to hurt yourself punching him, because he instinctively tenses up as he sees hits coming and with his amount of muscle that rigidity ends up like concrete. Micro taught him the basics of fistfighting and he took well to it. doesnt tend to use dirty tactics but only cause they dont really occur to him and doesnt really have to with how strong he already is.

jessup is a brawler. if youre gonna be dumb you gotta be tough right? but for real hes just one of those guys who have a hard time thinking in action, also has a hard time holding himself back because of it. was the least liked sparring partner in micro’s class in his age range because he was so likely to get too caught up in action and break some other poor kids nose. more likely to kick then chance but not by much, only really tries if his opponent falls on the ground. more likely to fight dirty though, mostly because he gets caught up in fights then out of tactical decision though. fought cave exactly one time and picked up his habit of biting people. now he cant stop. tends to swarm as he gets more engrossed into a fight and has the pain tolerance for it to work just fine for him, hes likely to get more hits in on the other guy then they can on him anyhow

mcmurphy is an outfighter through and through. Does Not Like fistfighting. will only attempt with no other options. extremely defensive in spite of having almost as good pain tolerance as jessup and chance. actually more of a kicker then either. very cerebral too. good at catching weakness in the middle of fights and exploiting them. has a strange sense of politeness though, in that he only fights dirty if the person hes fighting does first. stops more quickly then anyone else too, pretty good at holding back and is a mainstay in khan initiations because of it. one of regis�� favorite helpers for the ritual along with diane and micro, usurps uncle mic after his death even.

daves military upbringing shows through in this with just how much more controlled and practiced he is. most graceful about beating the shit out of people with your hands of any great khan. is versatile too, mixing up his tactics to counter whoever hes fighting. titanium jawed man, youd think he didnt feel pain with the kind of hits hell take and just ignore. habitual kicker, its actually an opener for him, and a frequent flyer in his fistfight tendencies. habitually clean fighter almost to a point of it being hazardous to his health because of how hes trained, though it doesnt usually end up being an issue for him.

belinda is...a LUDICROUSLY aggressive swarmer... absolutely vicious. the constant barrage works decently well with how dirty she actually fights. she kicks a lot more then the others with above average skill. tends to end fights faster then anyone else, usually lethally. slightly below average pain tolerance though, bordering on a glass jaw. most likely to sneak up and snap your neck out of any great khans. doesnt hate fistfights but heavily prefers to stab. keeps her head better then her constant barrage of attack would have you believe so watch out.

jack is pretty decent in a fight, even though he really does not like them. prefers not to be in combat at all but if you drag him into it and he doesnt have guns or other weapons as an option hell go for highly evasive approach. mostly looks for ways out of of fights he ends up in but not really weak. doesnt think to kick like jessup but probably couldnt pull any if he did because hes got somewhat poor balance. arguable dirty fighter but not in a maiming sort of way, more in an actively trying to escape way if you get it? doesnt go on the attack a lot but makes them count when he does. has a slightly low pain tolerance for a khan and avoids being hit like the plague.

diane is like if jack were more aggressive. doesnt like fighting either but more willing to actually fight then jack is. equally likely to take any escape she can find though, slightly better pain tolerance then jack, more steady on her feet and way better at kicking. will absolutely curb stomp if you give her the opportunity, kicks the hardest out of the great khans. tied with jack for most likely to straight up run to avoid fights though

sidewinder is a DEDICATED counter puncher. he has this to an artform. extremely evasive and extremely vicious out of necessity because he has very little endurance and a very brittle glass jaw. not to say hes not dangerous though, he makes every hit he does go for count. best at dodging out of any of the khans too. opposite of dave, he is such a habitually filthy fighter it makes the few fights he does get into worse because hell escalate things with how vicious he is by default. kicks hard as fuck, great balance and extremely light on his feet. tends to use hit and run tactics.

in comparison to almost everyone besides maybe his sister rock is the most avoidant of close quarters combat, not that he or she is bad at it. dedicated counter puncher but in an opposite direction of his brother, blocking instead of dodging. tends to end fights quickly because he hits like a train, his first counter will usually be enough to knock the other guy out. allergic to kicking, needs his feet firmly on the ground. 2nd cleanest fighter next to his dad, highest pain tolerance too.

wild rose is THE most avoidant of straight fights out of anyone and paradoxically one of the most skilled. but shes only slightly less of a glass cannon then sidewinder. she could probably stand to take more hits then she usually does but Does Not Like to. spends so much time avoiding hits and trying to find a way out of the fight you drag her into its almost pacifistic but when she does go in to strike it fucking COUNTS. more likely to knock someone the hell out and ditch fights then anyone else. will abandon any fight at the first opportunity. outfighter to the max.

cave is a habitual swarmer trained to be a counter puncher, decently good defensive. would prefer to avoid direct confrontation entirely via either just leaving or sneak attacking whoever fights him. highest pain tolerance over all out of anyone in this list, but that doesnt mean he doesnt feel it. the longer hes stuck in a fight the farther he falls back into his swarming habit, especially if hes forced to block or has a difficult time dodging. filthy as hell fighter but not to the extent of sidewinder, more likely to cut and outright run then come back to finish his opponents. the farther you push him the more brutal hell get, culminating in outright mauling you if you dont just let him go. decent kicker, mostly stomps on toes and occasionally leg sweeps though. tied with sidewinder for most likely to maim someone though sidewinder is more likely to attempt finishing them off where cave prefers to cut and run at the first opportunity.

micro, absolute jack of all trades, little more then decent at most of the above tactics, prefers to use weapons but doesnt hate throwing hands as hard as some others do. taught most of the younger khans to fist fight and it shows in some of their habits, mccmurphy blocks the exact same way he does, jessup opens with a left hook the same way he does. chance in particular has his almost ridiculous pain tolerance. micro personally tends toward counter punching, with a similar sense of politeness as mcmruphy, though he fights dirtier when it comes down to it.

#fallout ocs #fallout headcanons

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summercurial · 2 years

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weekend report

okay so on friday i drove down to L&G's place, got there about 9. H&E are there, drove down together and got there abt 5 i think. nominally we are helping L&G move, but they have not packed...basically anything. anyway theyre having a barbecue. they object to me just wearing a t shirt and jeans, and search through L's stuff, almost all of which is far too small for me (he was such small ribs...) to find me something. they settle on this weird lace texture see through romper thing (fit pics under the cut, for space). i have no sufficiently aesthetic bra, so im going braless, my nipples are out about half the time. anyway we go out to the barbecue, they forgot to buy veggie burgers, we hang out at the picnic tables, i have some claw, E is very aroused by the romper, call me cute lots, kisses me hard up against a tree (i got some scratches on my back lol) which i think is the first time ive been kissed against a tree. ive mentioned before theyre all like, fit, so he can lift me up easy. anyway once theyre done with the barbecuing we head back upstairs. at 11 W&El arrive, the tragic egg/repressor and shitty gf. he's wearing earings. he's obscenely cute, i am sexually aggressive to him, yknow, push him down on the bed, make out with him, tackle him, etc. i ask to sleep in L&G's bed but i walked around barefoot so i was not allowed. theres 7 people and three beds so i sleep in W&El's bed, W in the middle. thought it could be fun but it wasnt really, W is timid but hes also sort of unflappable so hes not fun to toy with but also doesnt grope me or whatever.

anyway the next day we do some actual move out stuff, theres packing, theres boxes, theres lots of drinking per uje. i am assigned a close-fitting weedprint dress, they really gassed me up abt how it fit me. me and E are assigned to return an old keg and an old textbook. we drop off the keg, pick up some claw, i bring an open claw into the university bookstore and after hanging out for like 10 minutes i am asked to leave. once back i decide to help out carrying L&G's ludicrous quantity of liquor down to the car, ensweaty my weed dress and shed it and shower (for the second time that day, i showered with E earlier). mostly hung out in undie for the rest of the day, tried on various things while they were clearing out clothes and trying to pawn some of them off. eventually settled on a weird tank top with a really long back, which we called the dune fit (unforch no pic!)

i got to spend some time cuddling with E&G for a while. W&El were very quiet. we had a hard time pretending to like El, i felt really guilty. i said some mean-ish stuff while drunk. while El was away, i probed W on them getting married at 22. he said it was just because they need her family's financial support, and they want to live together, and so they need to get married. i head that seemed sadly unromantic, which he didnt really contest. i said he'd look cute in a wedding dress. during the long going-through-clothes section, he put on several dresses. he looked cute. god ceaseless pity. we got some delicious chipotle. we stayed up very late drinking, G drank a gallon. i got lots of pets. at chipotle time they spontaneously started rapping some epic rap battles of history, i asked what it was and when they told me i started laughing at them hard, because ERBoH sucks. they did the thing they do where they give a touch embargo when i make fun of them hard so i got super drunk to take my pride away. while drunk and laying with E&G i started talking about how this sufficiently drunk and prideless branch of me is distant enough to not really "be" the main normal summer, but that both branch-summer and trunk-summer agree that branch-summer is more optimal, pride is useless if it takes away your pleasure.

anyway in the morning and because E said he would drive me up i had some beer and claws, took a shower with G, sucked his dick some in the shower (i dont think i did a very good job but its hard to get air when sometimes theres water on your nose :/). he mentioned the previous night he really talked up my head skills to E (despite making out tons of times and him knowing i would totally suck his dick for literally 2 years, he has not asked) so i was sort of anticipating a move but none was forthcoming. anyway we hung out for a couple more hours, i had a fun little talk with L where he asked if he was too mean to me (i said no, although sometimes i worry he doesnt like me, and he says he does like me, he just gets annoyed sometimes) me and E drove home, he fun-drove which was fun, i spent most of the time in and out of sleep, cuddling with his arm mostly (we kept it cold in the car)

i was kind of pathetic this weekend, but like. being pathetic as long as its not annoying is like. totally harmless. pride is useless to me when it doesnt protect me. i got called cute so many times this weekend, it was WONDERFUL. also i got lots of touch. and i got to be helpful. they assigned me a couple special summer jobs, i grabbed all the magnets

outfits under cut:

bonus dress, cute but uncomfy tight on the ribs

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cold-arrow · 2 years

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Doctor's Notes, Book 4 : Of Giant gaits / gates

Entry 4

Summary, Things of note since last entry: - finding a captain, - Taska's orchestra - Neverember's offer - Discussion with Lady silverhand - Setting sail, Merrow, Tidebreaker - Arrival at the Iceberg |

After we finished up our business at the tower of the Lord's alliance, we immediately got to searching the dockward for a captain. And though there were a surplus of ships anchored there, unable to set sail due to the frost giants, it proved more difficult then expected to actually find a captain willing to sail the seas, with the current state of things. After a bit of searching, Lym managed to got a tip from a barkeep in one of the port taverns. he said that "if there is anybody crazy enough, and willing to set sail and go north right now, it would be captain Taska." And that if we wanted to try and find and persuade her, the she could be one found her at one of the ships in the southern docks. We'd know whether its the right one not only by name, but if we hear it... by the music. The uh... music, or orchestra I should say, was... very much impressive. Difficult to miss. once we heard the grand performance from one of the fancier ships. We had to wait until the performance had finished in order to get an audience, but I cant say i really minded that. its almost a privilege to hear such good music. Baras later informed us as well, that the same orchestra had been hired multiple times in the past for events at the mansion. Which was surprising, but kind of reassuring.

the... personality of captain Taska, a little less so. She is All over the place and Wild and Unpredictable. And, expensive I should mention. But, it seems she is our only, if not the best option despite the ludicrous price. after some negotiating, ( and an accidental slip on my behalf about our connections.... though i dont really understand why we where negotiating for such a ludicrous price in the first place, if We couldnt pay it.) , we managed to to make a deal for a reasonable enough sum i guess. That could be lowered if we deliver her, the corpse of a frost dragon, if or when we encounter. im not sure if we even can handle fighting Any type of dragon though, considering how the last encounter went. I just hope the one we're gonna run into, isnt as big. after our negotiations had concluded, we did some more looking around the docks, for other possilbe captains and ships, but were unable to find anybody willing to set sail. or if they did, the price would be even more expensive then the one Taska gave us. So eventually we headed back the LA alliance and informed them of the deal we made, which one of the staff would pass along.

| it didnt take long for us to get word after heading back towards the mansion. however it wasnt from who we were expecting. A couriour from Neverwinter, carried with him a letter from one Lord Neverember. who was offering to provide a ship, free of charge and ready to go, when we arrived in his city. The same city and lord who was responsible for sabotagaing the Lord Alliances ship's and trade agreement. the courier seemed to be in an hurry to get an anser and get back but also quite exhausted. so Baras provided him a room while we contemplated our response. we quickly decided to send (or Sending) word to Lady Silverhand, about the current circumstances. and predictably wasnt particularly pleased with the offer from Lord Neverember. to say the least. We were asked to immediately return to her tower, to discuss a plan of action, or approach. she appeared to be quite stressed when we arrived. in the middle of a heated discussion with some of her colleagues. we fortunately managed to alleviate some of her stress when we informed her that, we wouldnt be taking the offer of Lord Neverember, (which she was quite relieved about ,) and that we were still willing to go along with her new plan / proposal. We were to inform the courier that we need some more time to think, despite the urgency, and that we still need to take care of some business before we could even set out. And while waiting for our response, he could stay at one of the fancier taverns in the city free of charge, and rest up. in the meantime, we would then take Taska's ship and set sail, to try and make as much progress to the north as possible before they could catch on. It seems that Taska and Lady Silverhand also managed to get to some sort of arrangement, and owes some future favours i think, as long as we payed a part of the sum up front. ( I really need some more money).

We headed back to the mansion and set to preparing for journey, which we would start in a day or two. I set out to make my nausea medicine, among other things. as well as some equipment and supplies we might possibly need for out journey on the ocean. I have few things in mind that I could prep, but I will have to see how it works out. the follwing few days were rather uneventful. the courier didnt mind staying at one of the nicer inns in town, and was rather cooperative. and we managed to finalize our preparations rather quickly. (I do feel a little guilty for making him wait and such, but perhaps that guilt is part of the ploy of Lord Neverember) Taska's ship was ready to leave at any moment, so as soon as we arrived on deck, we immediately set out. The crew seems rather capable, and to my surprise they have a lot of respect and loyalty towards the captain Taska. so I assume she's a lot more capable then we might have initally expected.

| Merrow

| Tide breaker

| Iceberg

| A few days into our journey, while I was cleaning out the contents of my stomac over the railing of the ship, there was a sudden flash of something metallic flying past my head. when i turned to look / see what it was... I saw that a harpoon had narrowly missed my head... and embbeded itself into the wood of the mast. A few second later, several outcries could be heard amongst the crew as they raised the alarm for what was appearently a Merrow attack / hunting party, as soon more harpoons followed, and flew out from the waters below. I turned back to see exactly what kind of creatures were assaulting us, but the moment I got a proper glance at one of them, these Monstrous aquatic merfolk, a harpoon embedded itself in my thigh. In my shock I was knocekd backwards onto thed deck, and before I could even begin to gain my footing or prosses what happend, I started being dragged over the deck by my leg, towards the edge of the ship and the sea below. The horrible flesh rending pain setting in and snapping me back to really, as soon as the rope (attached to the harpoon) was pulled taut, and pulled ever closer to edge of the ship. in my panic, i quickly and inefficiently tried to remove the barbed spear from my leg, but when i finally got my footing a bit, and was about the pul it out... "misfortune" struck again and knocked back to the ground as another harpoon, pierced my other leg. At that point i was a bit too panicked to properly.... extricate myself from my prediciment. And if it weren't for Baras severing the rope attached to the harpoon with one of his daggers... I would now be sleeping at the bottom of the sea, as a bloated / or cleaned picked corpse. After that we managed to bring down a frew of these aquatic monstrosisites. And save Lym from the clutches of their harpoons in similar manner. And as their number began to drop, the quickly fled back to safety of the ocean depths. It seems that Merrow hunting parties are quite common in this area. And though dangerous, the are quick to retreat, as soon as their prey proves to be too much of a hassle or too dangerous to deal with. I guess ill have to keep a closer eye on the waters below if I want to stay safe. Even though it makes rather nauseous. Will have to either adjust the recipe or the dosage of my medicine. Or hope that my " sea legs" will find me sooner rather then later.

| About halfway through our journey we were "assualted" by something different, and rather obnoxious... The so called "Tidebreaker" , aka the ship that was prepared for us by Lord Neverember, came to pay a "visit" . they Insisted that We should board their " oh so much better ship. that is ""Clearly"" superior". And that It would a lot easier, and save us a lot of trouble if we took their offer to board their ship instead. The thinly veiled threats and promises were not diffiuclt to miss, and none of us, nor the captain and her crew, were particularly keen to oblige to their requests or should i say demands. After an annoyingly long conversation that could have been a lot shorter if the took the first no we gave them, isntead of dozen other times we declined their "oh so generous offer". they eventually let us be, for now, and left. but with the unspoken promise that they would be back. Or, that there might be consequences should continue the decline their offer and help. Cant say im surprised they doubled the watch after that, the chances of them sabotaging us are pretty much guaranteed i feel like. Fortunatly Taska's ship is a lot faster then theirrs, atleast in long run, but i hope for their sake ( as well as to crew of both ships) that they wont be able to find us, or catch up with us any time soon.

| to my relief we didnt encounter the Tidebreaker again during the remainder of journey. and to my relief, the rest of the journey was rather uneventful as well. we spotted the Iceberg, and base of operations for the Frost giants, quicker then expected. (after all it needs to be a pretty big chunk of ice in order to house an Frost giant stronghold. ) But we are currently keeping our distance as we're trying to figure out How we are going to approach this. in both meanings of the word. I think that perhaps going by foot might be the best idea? * But what our plan is, and what we are going to do beyond that remains to be seen. *note to self, test out the hydrophobic solution i made and combine it with the levitation formula. that should in theory, allows to walk along the surface of the water, without sinking. And even if someone gets pulled below the waves, the altered gravity that it provides, should serve as a contingency if need be.

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literaila · 2 years

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dont think at all

tasm!peter parker x fem!reader

summary: distractions become crucial, a potent need. luckily enough, you’ve got a friendly neighboorhood spiderman for that. (part three)

warnings: blood, injury, sarcasm, and really bad jokes. and all the other ones, of course.

series masterlist.

a/n: i do not take credit for any of this--instead i give all of it to pure desperation.

it's a hollow type of feeling.

a gentle lull in the dark; completely quiet when your eyes are open, but unbearably loud when you blink.

it's the loud echo of roaring voices around you when you stand in the middle of the room.

you don't check your phone now, not because you don't want to, but because there's always a fear that he'll have tried to call you, or finally texted you back.

you feel replaced, replaceable, jealous, envious of every gentle spout of laughter you hear through the halls.

you have emotions, so impactful, that sometimes you worry that their punch will knock you out for days. it's an irrational fear, an irrational emotion, but once your brain goes spiraling there's no way to stop it.

you've heard that emotions only last 90 seconds. so, each and every time you hear that mournful laughter, you count down, waiting until the hollow feeling comes back.

because that's what it is, to lose a best friend. to not know why.

you see peter; smiling, just as he always should be. laughing because he's always seen the world through a ludicrous lens.

and yes, you wish him the best, but, there's a gentle pain--anger--behind your eyes that try to prove your brain different.

you've decided that you don't like space very much. not at all. but unfortunately, that was the only thing left to fill the hole that your best friend left.

it's scarcely dark outside--dark inside your room, with only the soft light from your computer providing any proof that you're still awake.

you're scoffing at an email, rather than sleeping.

it was a welcome distraction. just minutes ago, when you were trying to forge any reason not to close your eyes--not to listen to the rageful voices filling your ears.

it was a wonderful change of pace--actually getting an email. an openly accepted letter from may.

your lips curled into a smile as soon as you saw it, delivered hours ago from warmhearted hands.

but that smile began to fade minutes later when you got to the end.

...peter hasn't been bringing you over. you should stop by. i know he would enjoy that, and you know i would love to see-

and that was enough to dissipate any pleasant feelings that had taken over. enough to push you back into your body, the very place of punishment.

you couldn't believe that peter hadn't told her that he-

more than that, more than the prickling feeling building itself up in your stomach, you couldn't believe that you were upset about it.

peter was secretive, he was grieving, he was just doing his best to get by, and...

he was being unfair. he was shutting more than just you, out. he was asking for space in all sorts of directions, and, he wasn't talking to may?

you shook your head and moved your computer off your lap, not willing to read any further. she hadn't mentioned being worried about him but that didn't mean that she wasn't.

and none of it meant that you should be.

it was dark in your room with the computer facing away from you, dark in your room with your figure sitting up in bed, trying to breathe through the panic filling your body.

you were almost used to this now--panic, and all its glory.

the hollow feeling that liked to take its place after 90 seconds.

you began counting, up and down, back and forth, eyes darting across the room when your blaring silence was interrupted.

a gentle, tip-tap, on your window.

your eyes shot up, adjusting to the light of the outside.

and still, it wasn't hard to see the person waiting outside the window, in flashing colors.

the tapping resumed, a knocking of knuckles you saw now. you couldn't tell if he was looking in, or looking out.

still, hesitantly, you slid out of bed, moving to the window to unlock it.

and then your quiet was filled with a gasping breath. a body falling into your room.

you jumped back, surprised by his entrance.

you didn't think that you and spider-man were familiar enough to rationalize this yet.

"are you okay?" you asked, listening to the gasping breath of a crumpled-up superhero, soaking wet from something outside. your eyes turned to the window, but you didn't see any rain. "spider-man?"

"i figured you'd be up," the man whispered, voice trying to joke, moving to sit up on his knees.

it allowed you to notice the cut near his clavicle, the blood dripping down his suit, a deep red taking over his classic color.

your eyes widened as you moved to crouch down with him, reaching a hesitant hand out towards him.

"you're bleeding."

the man laughed. "really?" he groaned and moved to sit down with his back against your bed. "i hardly noticed."

"what happened?" your eyes cautiously observed his shaking body.

there was a beat before he answered, hands twitching at his sides.

"oh, you know," he began, hand going to touch the wound near his neck. he hissed in pain as soon as the fabric made contact with his skin. "tiny stab wound."

your eyes snapped up from his neck to his face, serious. "stab-"

"do you have any neosporin?" he wondered, cutting you off and tilting his head towards you.

your brows furrowed, watching him, confused. "no," you said, shaking your head, unamused. "i don't typically make it a habit of getting stabbed."

"mother-" he trailed off, voice rough as he threw his head back against your bed. "don't have any neosporin, i can't..." he continued to mutter something else under his breath as you stared on, disoriented with his appearance in your house.

your head stretched up, eyes checking for the clock on your nightstand.

he seemed agitated. and of course, you might as well drag that on.

"does the city require you to keep certain hours?" you asked, interrupting his monologue of muttering.

"what?" his voice came out exasperated, amused, head tilting back towards you to very clearly stare.

it was strange not to see this person's face, to not know what their eyes looked like.

"well, every other time i've seen you it's around now, so..."

spider-man probably thought you were crazy. or he must've because a gentle scoff came from his throat, interrupting the breathing exercises he was practicing.

"no, i was at home earlier i just-" he sighed and let his voice draw off, gentle tapping his head against the bed he was carelessly leaning on. "it's a coincidence," he told you, head staying back.

"okay," you whispered back, dubious.

you both sat there for a moment, you contemplating how guilty you would feel if you kicked a broken spider out in the middle of the night. spider-man breathing steadily, whispering something unintelligible from as far away as you were.

your eyes drifted to the only light in the room, your computer, an email sitting there unanswered.

and the feeling came back, the panic, the reminders, the thoughts of distractions, the reason for not sleeping at night.

you sighed a shaky breath out, beginning to count while the two of you sat in silence.

and then spider-man spoke again. "i don't either, you know."

your eyes moved back to him. "what?"

"i don't make it a habit of getting stabbed," his voice, a little bit stronger now, joked. "it just happens."

"you just accidentally get stabbed?" unamused, you stared at him, eyebrows raising.

he shook his head, slowly, back and forth. as if he was rolling his eyes manually. "they're always hiding a knife in their pockets."

you almost laughed, a gentle smirk building on your face, when you caught onto the word always.

"this has happened before?" your voice was suddenly concerned, eyes turning down to the wound that was still bleeding, looking even darker now.

"it's a part of the job description," spider-man laughed, stretching his hands out in front of him. "in big bold letters 'caution: expect knives'"

with no smirk on your face, you stared at the slightly delirious man in front of you, eyes still concerned. though, now it was mostly for his mental stability and less for his well-being.

"i've never stabbed you," you retorted, a question without a question.

spider-man nodded, pointing at you. "you're generally more sane than most of the people i meet this late at night."

and at that, you burst out with a laugh, sharp against the quiet air around spider-man.

his head tilted, face kept towards yours.

you rolled your eyes, staring back, wondering how this stranger had ended up in your room past midnight. wondering why you were allowing this conversation to continue without any reserves.

why you felt strangely comfortable around him, not just now, but every time he'd spoken to you.

you shook your head, pushing the thought away, but your questions seemed to drift across the air because he was nodding again.

"i'm sorry i came here, tonight," he whispered, looking towards the window. he looked back at you, head straight. "i didn't mean to disturb any sleep."

you smiled, a bit bitter. "it's okay, i wasn't..." your voice drifted off as you looked away from him, towards your bed.

"i don't know why i headed this way, i just..." a gloved hand went to scratch at his head, seemingly surprised when there was nothing to scratch. his head shook, the motion a bit bewildered. "i kept slipping, and i don't even remember how i got wet," he laughed, looking back to you. "anyway, i just knew i...couldn't keep going. this was the closest place."

you were staring, confused. watching red and blue hands begin to shake.

"or, at least, i think it was." his breathing seemed to pause there, chest falling in a gentle motion.

spider-man leaned back again, a sharp intake of air coming from his mouth as he stretched his shoulders.

your mind began to turn again, concern from earlier, morphing into action.

"i've got some warm water," you said, lightly. "and some paper towels." you gestured towards his collarbone, letting your eyes trail down the drip of blood.

spiderman's head moved to look with you.

"that'll do," he nodded back, but you were already getting up.

moving away from him at a steady pace.

mind racing, you retrieved anything to clean his wound, letting your mind ridicule you for letting this happen as you did it.

because, really, who lets a strange man sit in their room while they go get things to patch him up?

in the deepest corner of your mind, hidden under denial so potent you could touch it--you think that it's because you appreciate his unimportance. his strange humor in the middle of the night when it's always hardest for you to breathe.

you won't let yourself think it but you know that he's been a distraction. just something to think about instead of the pounding, waiting, questions sitting on your shoulders.

even tonight, he came in at exactly the right time.

your hands are steady, your breathing is quiet enough as you head back into your room.

"okay," you say, just to alert your presence.

you watch as his head snaps up, shaking, as if trying to acclimate himself back to the light you've just turned on. his head tilts as he watches you.

you set the bowl of water down next to him, crouching while you wet the cloth.

spider-man clears his throat. "you're going to do it?" he asks, face closer to yours than expected when your head snaps up.

you hadn't really considered that.

"well," you start, drawing the word out. "i can't let you steal my towel."

really, you don't let yourself think, you're just worried that he'll leave too fast.

"your towel?" he asks, voice full of doubt.

"it would be bad for your reputation."

he moves up, sitting so he can lean the wound closer to you. you smile at him thankfully, moving your hand up towards his shoulder.

"y/n, i'm more concerned that you think i would just steal your towel."

you pause your movements. hands stilling as you stare at him, eyes widening. "how do you know my name?" you ask quietly, heart picking up.

he tilts his head, curious at your reaction, and then points to the other side of the room.

"that paper," he answers simply, not missing a beat.

you follow his hand to the application you'd forgotten about pinned to the wall. your name is the first thing on the paper.

"you can see that?" you wonder, voice with disbelief.

spider-man merely moves his head back and forth in a zigzag motion, letting his movement answer for him.

you look away, confused, slightly suspicious. your hands fall back into the bowl of water, resuming whatever you were doing before.

he's staring at you as you lean closer, holding the towel up, a question without asking, and he nods.

you begin to wipe at the blood, trying to keep your hands from shaking. when spider-man hisses at the feeling, his body moving back involuntarily you look back up at him.

"sorry," you whisper, trying to offer him a smile.

he nods, waving a hand in the air, and then shakes his head again.

and, to be honest, you can barely comprehend that, but you continue to wipe at the wound anyway.

there's a couple minutes of silence between the two of you. you, gently wiping away blood from his suit, adding more water, and then repeating the process.

spider-man watching you, only looking down to observe occasionally.

another minute goes by before he breaks the silence, voice cautious.

"earlier, when i came in-" he pauses when you look up from his shoulder, eyes waiting. "you seemed..." he draws off, letting his silence fill in the words.

worried, upset, hurt, angry.

you look back down, pursed lips, a way of getting him to move on.

he doesn't.

"are you okay? is there-" he stumbles, head ducking down. "was there something wrong?"

there's just the tiniest bit of movement from your head. you don't dare move your eyes away from the task at hand, but you can feel your chest, a gentle hollowness falling away.

you're almost angry that he's ruined your distraction.

you shake your head again, a bit firmer, when he doesn't continue. trying to assure spider-man, and yourself, that you're okay.

"good," he whispers, just enough.

and then you look back up at him, morphing your face into something like a smile. "are you cold?" you ask him, letting your voice tease him.

he throws his head back, a playful groan escaping spandex.

he shakes his head as he moves it back up, the hand opposite of you moving to cradle his forehead.

"is it that annoying when i ask you?"

a gentle smirk falls on your face, blocking out everything else.

"yes," you promise him, laughter lighting up the dark.

you're contemplating your existence in life when the tapping on your window resumes.

it's three days later; three days of contemplation, of questioning your own sanity, of wanting to know how quickly his wound healed.

of wishing for another distraction.

well, wish granted, apparently, because your eyes perk up as soon as you hear the noise.

it's light in your room tonight, you're sitting with a textbook, letting the words escape your mind.

you move over to open the window, smile on your face, different than every other night.

today, spider-man does not fall into your room. he merely swings himself through the window, feet quiet as they hit the ground.

he stands in front of you, silent, keeping his mysterious facade.

"what're you doing here?" your eyebrows raise up at him. it's less of a serious question, considering that you don't mind his presence.

he left you with a lot to think about three nights ago.

"are you avoiding me?"

you take a step back, moving to sit on the bed while he leans against the wall.

"hmm?"

his back pushes against the wall, legs crossed in front of him as he gestures towards you with his hands. "you haven't been out walking," his voice carries a hint of suspicion. "there's no one to swing home."

you let out a bewildered sort of laugh. you can't see his face, but you're vaguely certain that he's pouting.

"no, i guess there isnt," you say slowly, shaking your head in amusement.

"did i scare you off?" he wonders, moving over to the bookshelf on the wall and peering at all your books. making himself at home, you suppose.

you let the silence drag on, wondering, not aloud, if he just came here to ask you that.

the question jogs your memory.

"did your cut heal?" you hadn't noticed any damage to his suit before, but you weren't looking very closely.

spider-man turns back to you, clapping his hands together, restless movements drawing attention to him.

he nods, looking down to where the wound was. "the next morning." he answers, simply.

"is that a part of your..." you draw off, looking for the right word. "spider-ness?"

he throws his head back, laughing and nodding at the same time.

you feel giddy at his reaction, at making him laugh, though you're not sure why.

your textbook is forgotten, your brain is captivated by this strange, charismatic man in your room.

"they never last long," he says, moving again to stand by the wall.

you let him stare for a moment, before lifting your head to observe him. "is there a reason you're here?"

"well, i had to make sure that you weren't avoiding me."

his voice is teasing, but you're listening closely, for an answer.

"and," he tilts his head. "i was wondering if you were in the mood for some wandering around?" his voice tilts the words, morphing them into something else.

you raise an eyebrow. "i thought you said that was dangerous?"

he clicks his tongue, raising a finger up. "no," he says. "i said that it was cold, and you were all alone."

he moves forward, to the back of the door, where you keep your coat, grabbing it from the hook.

"you won't be either, now," he promises, voice softer than before. moving forward to hand you the coat, making sure to keep his distance.

you stare up at him with funny eyes.

"feeling lonely, tonight?" you ask, meaning more than you speak.

you find his proposition peculiar, his manner even more strange. you think his sense of humor is something to be thrown away forever, and you think that his sense of boundaries is broken.

and still, you find yourself smiling at him, waiting for his response.

"it's quiet," is all he says, voice a bit rough.

and yes, you think, you agree.

"okay," you whisper, grabbing the coat from his hands and slipping it on.

you walked around before to be alone. a change in pace might be good.

big white eyes watch you, waiting until you're ready, and then, he holds a red and blue hand out.

you take it, no apprehension in your mind.

and then, there's school.

it's a different kind of quiet, to walk through the halls knowing that peter could be just around the corner.

it's a hollow type of feeling.

a gentle lull pushing you forward, making your steps tentative every time you move.

it feels strange to see him, now, when you know his eyes less, and you feel like there's something different about him every time you catch a glimpse.

it hurts when he watches back, eyes the same color, different.

but still, you've been trying to keep your head up more, lately. you've been trying to avoid his eyes, but not avoid the feelings that come with them.

he's asked for space, and you think that maybe this is what the acceptance stage feels like.

but then, in the quiet, being lulled, feeling that piece in your chest punched out with the same amount of force it would take to swing a bowling ball--you see him.

and there's no more acceptance, there's no more anger, there are no emotions at all as you look at him.

there is only fear, only apprehension filling your throat to the end of the line.

you miss him, you won't deny, but somehow you don't think it's the same him that you used to look at.

you think that your peter--the one who used to steal your backpack at lunch, making you chase after him just so you could get it back, the one who used to try and make you laugh in class just so you would get in trouble--you think that he would never have treated you with such stagnant glances.

you think that you'd never felt this way before, when he was still the same.

and yet, this time, when you're walking through the halls carrying the weight of a thousand hollowed-out holes, tripping on your own feet because you're not paying attention--you don't think any of those familiar thoughts.

it's different, somehow. after you've spent a night out, far too late, and your eyes feel a different kind of tired.

when you look at him, you just think, i miss him, you just think, i want to talk to him.

you just don't think at all.

and you walk a little bit closer.

you don't think about the person who hasn't answered your texts, who hasn't so much as smiled at you in weeks.

you don't think about the person that's keeping secrets from their aunt, flaunting new friendships right in front of your eyes.

you don't think at all, and you're walking almost right next to him now, lost in the missing thoughts in your head.

you almost smile at him, almost walk so close that you bump into him.

and peter looks up, warm brown eyes, a flickering of emotion lighting up his face.

and then he looks back down, playing with something in his hands that you don't care to note.

and when he looks back up, he smiles a gentle smile--familiar.

he watches your face for a moment.

he moves a bit closer.

you're not thinking at all.

his eyes widen, his cheeks twitching.

"hey," he says, losing his smile, dropping his eyes.

and in a moment, he's walking right past you. a different person from the one you knew--different from just a moment ago.

he's walking away, again, and you can't help but think now--god, now that you can think--that you're such an idiot.

peter walks away from you, after a single word.

as if he hasn't just grabbed a piece from your chest, leaving you hollow.

you're pleading for a distraction.

you're begging for anything to take your mind off of today, off of one sweet word that you want to hold onto until your ears go numb.

you want anything to remove the stupidity from your mind, the genuine hope that peter might actually say something to you.

you're pleading for your friend--new and strange--to come knocking at your window with his strange laughs and overwhelming presence.

you want nothing more than that.

except, you deny, maybe peter to call you, to apologize--i was wrong, he'd say--and ask you if things could just go back to normal--i miss you, he'd whisper.

but no knock comes to your window, not even after midnight.

and no call comes to your phone, not even after weeks.

you want to scream into your pillow, want to cry until your eyes hurt, want to disappear into a semblance of non-existence.

but you don't really want any of that. you're a liar.

and finally, after lying to yourself for another hour, you decide to get out of bed.

you throw on the first coat you can see--not noticing how thin it is, nor the clouds in the sky.

you grab your shoes, your phone--feeling reckless, feeling like being a little bit stupid right now, just on purpose this time.

and you leave.

you walk outside, eyes adjusting to the streetlights.

the view from outside your building is the only thing that stayed consistent, the only familiar thing you can think of.

you begin to walk, no destination in mind, except for maybe peace.

you walk until your hands go numb, because really, it's cold outside.

you walk, and you know--really, you know--that you're only waiting for one thing.

someone to come and stop you. to tell you to go home. it's late, he'd say.

but no voice comes from behind you, and no flashing suit pops into your peripheral view.

so you keep walking, head down finally because today you've moved past acceptance.

you're something else entirely.

and you pass the cold off as a side effect, as a cruel symptom of feeling hollowed out.

you barely noticed your hands, losing feeling as each second passed.

you barely notice that you can't open your eyes now.

you barely notice that you're about to fall asleep, right then, right there.

and you barely notice when the person stops beside you, reaching a gentle hand out to touch your shoulder.

clearly, he isn't expecting you to jump away as if he'd just attacked you.

your eyes open--so you can actually see--and you're surprised by the familiar white eyes, staring at you very plainly in the dark.

"what are you doing?" he demands before you can take a breath of air, voice harsh, concerned, and soft all at once.

you blink, just staring at him, still surprised.

he's moved his hand away, now holding it closer to your face, as if to make sure you're real, or that you're okay.

and well, you're not really sure that you're either.

"you came," you whisper, almost in awe, delirious in your lack of sleep.

spider-man catches onto that more quickly than you do.

"you look like you're about to drop on your feet," he says, only slightly irritated. "why are you walking outside so late?" he asks, but doesn't give you a moment to answer. "it's freezing out here." he exaggerates his point by moving his hands to rub his arms.

and then he looks you up and down, latching onto your eyes for a moment, and then continuing.

"you're wearing your thinnest jacket," he observes, sounding even more annoyed now. "i'm taking you home."

immediately you shake your head, the first movement you've made since you spoke. you don't want to go home, you don't want to be alone for the rest of the night.

the cold is a welcome solace.

"y/n, you can barely open your eyes."

still, you shake your head, frown forming. "i was waiting for you."

his body falls at that, relaxing immediately, almost in relief. he breathes out, still.

"i'll come with you," he promises, as if he knows it's what you need to hear. "i just don't want you to freeze to death." his voice is joking, but his words come out as a plead.

you look around, blurry eyes, cold hands, frozen feet. you're not sure how late it is anymore, but you sort of wish you had grabbed your other jacket.

spider-man watches you look around, moving slowly, with desperation.

"please," he says, bouncing on his feet. "let's get you home."

you look back at him, relieved to see him again. as if you'd forgotten he was there.

and as soon as you even begin to nod, he's latching onto you, holding an arm around your waist tightly and pulling you into the sky with him.

the next minute, or two, is a blur--literally and figuratively--and you're surprised as soon as spider-man is opening your window, pushing you inside with a gentle force.

you almost fall in. but gentle hands keep you up, hold you steady as you touch the ground.

and within an instant, you notice how cold you are. you strip yourself of your jacket, throwing your shoes somewhere else.

it takes a moment for you to register the person watching you.

as soon as you look up he's speaking: "are you okay?"

you stare at him, blinking, until you're finally awake again, finally thinking for the first time today.

and immediately, you're irritated.

"you didn't stop by tonight."

it's an accusation, it's a sentence you almost wish hadn't left your mouth.

"i didn't realize you were expecting me to," he answers, head tilting. his voice is too soft, too concerned to dissipate any of the anger that's suddenly hit your chest.

"of course i was-" you stop and shake your head, knowing that whatever you were about to say, it was wrong.

spider-man stays still for a moment, and then takes a step backward, waiting for your eyes to meet his again before he says anything else.

"are you mad? you seem mad."

you roll your eyes, moving away from him to go climb into bed. you're still freezing, despite the red hot anger filling your chest.

you're irritated--not necessarily at him, but he's definitely a factor--at your irritation. mad that you're mad.

contrast meets contrast.

"i'm not mad." your voice is insistent, final.

he nods, watching you, clearly doubtful.

he moves around, going to sit on the bed at your feet. this has become a casual setting for the two of you over the past week.

he's taken you on four walks, each one a needed break-free from everything else.

you shouldn't be mad, not at him, when you're really just mad at yourself.

you almost wince at the realization.

"you can leave," you say, trying to smile. "if you want."

spider-man moves as if he's taken back. a small puff of air coming from his suit.

"why would i want to leave?"

you shake your head at that, making sure not to scoff aloud.

"i'm not exactly the best company, i had-" you sigh, bringing a hand up to your face.

this all feels ridiculous now. your anger, your desperation.

"yes?" his voice is patient, his face is turned towards yours.

you groan and move your hand, looking at him, eyes annoyed. "i had a bad day and, i guess i just wanted a distraction, so when you didn't show up..."

he stares at you as if he's waiting for you to continue. he clears his throat when you don't.

"sorry," he says, leaning a bit closer to you.

you close your eyes. "it's not your fault," you promise, shaking your head with the words. you look back at him, apologetic. "i have attachment issues."

you're trying to joke, trying to be amusing when you still feel so cold.

and it's not because of the jacket, now.

neither of you laughs.

"...do you want to talk about it?"

your head jerks back, a small, confused laugh escaping you. "my...attachment issues?"

"your day," he clarifies, breathing out a laugh with you. a hand goes to scratch his head. "it might help to talk about it."

you watch him, wishing, not for the first time, that you could actually see his eyes. you might be able to read him better that way. might actually guess what he was thinking.

"it's late," you say, a non-answer. "i don't want to keep you."

an actual laugh escapes him now, and he begins to lay down on the foot of your bed, hand holding his head up. "you've scared the sleep away for tonight," he says, sort of reassuring?

you wince. "sorry."

but you can feel his smile from as far away as he is. "i'm listening," he promises, prodding you to continue.

you take a deep breath, completely aware that you're going to tell spider-man--who you don't really know at all--all the things you've been shoving down your throat to muffle your screams.

but the realization feels less scary than allowing him to leave.

less scary than letting yourself push it down some more.

"my best friend-" you start, pausing and shaking your head. you swallow. "or, a while ago my best friend asked for some space."

you're hit by a memory, robotic eyes staring while peter repeated what he wanted in a monotone voice. space, he said.

"space?" spider-man repeats.

you nod. "and that's fine," you tell him, because it was. "there were a lot of things going on and i thought that..." he needed someone, he was grieving, he was being beaten from the inside out. "if some time to himself was what he needed, then i could wait. i wasn't-" you laugh, a bit bitterly. "i was never angry with him for needing that."

you don't look up to see spider-man still, watching you, a frozen body waiting for your words.

you look up and he moves back into action.

"okay..." he pushes you along, letting you know that he's paying attention.

"but it's been a couple of weeks, and he hasn't said anything." you purse your lips, your mind pleading for brown eyes and soft smiles again. "and he's got-" you choke on the words, closing your eyes and not wanting to see anything but the darkness behind your eyes.

you've never thought this aloud, never told anyone, never spoken to a stranger.

you've never been this mad at peter.

"he's got a girlfriend now, or maybe just a friend, i don't know-" you rush the words out, trying to move over them as quickly as you can. your head snaps up, eyes insistent as you tell him more. "and that's fine!" you say. "really- i want him to be happy. that's all i want."

the words ring true into the air, a gentle pleading wish into the world.

"i just wish..." you say and you know that there are no words to vocalize what you wish, what you want, but you've started this story and you might as well finish it. "i'm so jealous of her. and, i just miss him, every day, and today he was-" you stop. take a deep breath.

you look up to the man inside your room, the man whose head hasn't moved since you began his story. whose focus has never shifted.

you look up and smile, trying to lighten your voice. "today was just a bad day, is all."

"and that's why you needed a distraction?" spider-man asks, voice quiet.

you nod your head, sighing into your hands. "it's been a hard couple of weeks and you've..."

you look up at him, your friend, and smile.

"you've definitely improved some of it. even when you were trying to follow me home."

there's a beat and then:

"i was not following you home,"

you smirk, watching him move up off of his arm to look at you properly. you've hit a soft spot.

"you practically made me tell you where i lived just so you could show up and bother me whenever you wanted."

spider-man scoffs. "you told me of your own free will."

you nod your head, rolling your eyes playfully. "and now you're exploiting my trust."

spider-man gasps, bringing a hand to his chest in mock offense. "excuse me?" he asks.

you shrug, lips twitching as you look away from him.

he shakes his head and scoffs again, looking away from you too, thank you very much.

both of you are silent, teasing smirks off of your lips quietly.

finally, he huffs. "well you fell asleep on the subway, so..." he trails off, shaking his head as if he was personally attacked.

you stare at him. "what does that have to do with anything-"

and he laughs at you, again, keeping the smile on your face for the rest of the night.

a welcome distraction.

my masterlist here.

part four here.

#tasm peter x reader #peter parker x reader #andrew garfield!peter parker x reader #peter parker #tasm!peter x reader #tasm peter parker #the amazing spider man #the amazing spider-man fic #spider-man #andrew!spiderman #andrew garfield x reader #andrew garfield!spiderman x reader #andrew!peter x reader #spider man #spider man fanfiction #spider man fic

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pearlieswines-blog · 6 years

Photo

This is a cute little sketch I did a while back of Sarah and Jareth, the Goblin King, from the movie Labyrinth by Jim Hensen. I ship them hardcore.

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ethanesimp · 3 years

Text

LET ME GO // V. D. A.

Pairing: Servant! Victoria De Angelis x Royal GN! Reader

Summary: You're cornered into making a decision that won't only break your heart but Vic's too.

Request: Maybe something that makes me cry

Warnings: Angst, mentions of death threats and death, arranged marriage, swearing

Word Count: 3.1k

Masterlist // Taglist link in bio

Taglist: @superchrystaldrug @reputationdamiano @ethaneskin @dont-let-me-drown-in-you @bidet-and-legolas

A/N: I hope this is sad enough nonnie and that you like it :) It's my first time writing for Vic so I hope y'all enjoy reading as much as I did writing it! And yess, we’re still continuing this angst fest :)

Love was a double-edged sword.

That was one of the first things you learned in your life. You’d see people in pain, crying and destroying themselves for it. It took you a long time to understand why one would do so much for a person, what was so special about them to sacrifice so much?

It took Victoria for you to fully understand. She was undoubtedly one of the most beautiful, energetic, and sweetest people you’d ever met. Those gorgeous blue eyes and endearing laugh made you fall head over heels for the girl you often saw around the castle ever since you were little.

Ever since you shared your first kiss with her at the back of the stables while your friend Thomas looked out for guards, you knew your relationship was going to live on borrowed time but had always refused to dwell on the thought too much.

You were aware the circumstances you lived in were like a ticking time bomb stuck to your back. It was far too obvious and you’d be too naïve to think otherwise considering you were a member of royalty and the kingdom would eventually be your burden to carry. However, what you weren’t aware of was how easily things would fall apart or when, or how quickly.

You’d already spent three years of pure bliss next to Victoria, sneaking around the castle and stealing moments and memories only the two of you knew about. You couldn’t deny that you’d always longed for more, to be able to show all your love for her in public and ask her to rule the kingdom by your side, but no amount of dreaming or wondering about what if’s would ever make your situation any different.

Six words were all it took for your bubble of denial to finally burst. Those six little words kept on repeating inside your head over and over again as you held Victoria in your arms. Her pretty eyes were looking into yours and a sad smile adorned her face as you brushed her hair back with your fingers. You could see the tears in her eyes and knew she could see yours, but neither of you dared to comment on it yet.

It was a delicate subject and neither of you wanted to talk first in fear of triggering an argument, even if you were both aware it was coming soon and there was no way to stop it. So you just sat there together in complete silence. The only thing that could be heard was the sporadic sounds of the window creaking because of the wind and the soft crack of wood burning on the large fireplace.

You placed a soft peck on her lips and caressed her cheek delicately with your thumb, also removing the tears from her rosy cheeks. You pressed your forehead against hers and tightly closed your eyes as you smelled the sweet scent of flowers that hung in the air because of the small flowers woven into her light hair.

Her arms were tightly wrapped around your body as if she was afraid that you’d suddenly vanish in the form of smoke and would slip from her fingers. You held her closer as a form of reassurance and sighed when you felt her once quiet sobs turn so violent they’d shake her whole body.

“I’m sorry,” You mumbled and rubbed circles on her exposed back. You wanted nothing more than to take away all the pain she felt and let her know things would be alright, but you didn’t want to lie to her either, “I’m so sorry you had to see all that amore.”

She shook her head and buried her face against your chest as she cried harder. Victoria had always been so strong, so unbreakable, yet those six little words had just broken her and her heart into a thousand pieces.

You’re getting married tomorrow. No questions.

You’d been set to marry the heir of a nearby kingdom ever since you were a little kid, promised away to the other royal in exchange for resources to save a dying kingdom and they’d told you all about it in front of your friends… and your girlfriend.

Your father had made you meet them right in front of her. The young royal, ignorant to your situation, had even gone as far as to kiss both your cheeks and quickly peck your lips. You had all been so taken aback by it, but no one commented on it because it would look suspicious.

Even though all you wanted to do was take Victoria and run as far away as your legs would take you, the conversation you’d had with your father just minutes before the announcement stopped you from even trying.

He looked exasperated, angry. You’d tried to browse your mind for anything you’d done wrong as of late but couldn’t come up with anything. There was no reason for him to be as mad as he seemed.

“I seem so stupid to you, don’t I? You ungrateful child,” He’d spoken, tone sharp and voice laced with venom. You had flinched at how harsh his words sounded, still clueless as to what he was talking about, “I could put up with you not giving a shit about the Kingdom that will soon be yours because you’d have to stop that childish behavior of yours. But sneaking around with a maid’s daughter? That’s just ludicrous!”

Your heart fell to your stomach right then and there. He knew.

“I have tried so much, given you every single thing you wanted to hopefully get you to listen, but I’m tired of playing nice. You’re getting married tomorrow. No questions. And don’t you dare try and run away unless you want all her friends and family killed the second you step foot out of this castle.”

She thankfully hadn’t heard your father’s words and you weren’t planning on telling her a thing. You knew for sure that if she’d heard, you would’ve already lost her. She had always been one to stand up against things that were wrong, and that time wouldn’t have been an exception. Unfortunately, your father was anything but lenient and you had no doubt that if she even thought of raising her voice at him things would end in chaos.

“This is so unfair,” She murmured against your chest as more sobs escaped her lips. You stroked her head gently and nodded, “I know it is, I know.”

Then, she raised her head and looked at you with excited eyes as she wiped her tears away. She had an idea and you had a feeling you wouldn’t like it, “Let’s run away, Y/N. Right now. I have an aunt who lives far away in a kingdom where they will never find us! And we can be happy.”

Your gaze softened at her words. There was nothing you wanted more than to run away with Victoria, far from your parents and the responsibilities you’d been born into. You would’ve tried it too had your father not threatened to kill her family and friends if you did so. But you weren’t going to say a thing.

“Victoria… We can’t- I can’t,” Her smile fell the moment she heard your words. She pulled away and left your embrace, making you instantly miss the warmth of her body pressed against yours.

Victoria sat down next to you, her eyes focused on yours as if she were trying to read your mind, “What do you mean you can’t? This hasn’t been the first time we’ve talked about it and you’ve always agreed to do it if we ever needed it, which we do now. What’s changed?”

You had to look away after hearing just how hurt she sounded. You didn’t want to see her cry again because you knew you’d end up telling her every single thing your father told you. Anything would’ve been better than having to tell her, so you decided to say something that would not only break her heart but yours too, “I just can’t, okay? Vic, we were being childish! I cannot just flee the kingdom and expect no consequences. That was a stupid idea that would never work. I need to serve my duty, not run off with some servant’s daughter and forget all about my responsibilities here!”

She moved even further away from you. Victoria didn’t even try to hide the hurt caused by your words, “Oh, okay. I get it now,” She nodded and laughed bitterly as she turned around and gathered all the clothes that had previously been scattered all over the room, ”All this time I’ve been nothing but a fool...

“You know, when this all started between us, my friends kept telling me you were just using me for your amusement,” Victoria spoke. Her tone almost made you flinch because it just had as much venom laced in it as your father’s had earlier that day, “I never believed it, you know? I thought you loved me! But no, you’re just as hungry for power as all those fucking bastards, and I was nothing more than just your little game.”

Her words felt like agonizingly painful stabs to the heart. You didn’t give a shit about power, about the kingdom, about anything but her. However, you weren’t selfish enough to be driven by your desire to be with her, a desire that was almost a need at that point. At least not after knowing everything that was on the line. Her family… her friends, friends who had become your own too.

Oh how much you wanted to cave in. You wanted to reach out to her and wrap your arms around her frame while you told her just how sorry you were, how much you didn’t mean those words. But you stayed quiet instead and listened to her insults, took them in, and tried your hardest not to flinch or shed a tear, as much as it hurt to do so.

You didn’t stop her either when she ran out the door, tired from crying and screaming at you. Instead, you waited until she harshly shut the door behind her to finally cry. You cried and cried for what seemed like an eternity, got up from the bed, and tore the room to pieces out of pure frustration and hatred to both the universe and your parents for doing this to you.

It felt like everything was moving in slow motion as you smashed the mirror to pieces with your shoe and tore off the blue wallpaper from the walls. Then, with weak knees and a heavy heart, you slid down the wall and sat on the floor. You pressed your forehead to your knees and placed your hands over your face as you cried some more.

Eventually, you fell asleep, exhausted from all the crying and heartbreak you were feeling, wanting nothing but for it to stop. Not too far away, Victoria was being held in the arms of her best friend, who held her while she cried and fell apart in his embrace. No one who was with the two knew what to say. Contrary to what Victoria had said in an attempt to hurt you, all her friends believed you were head over heels for her. Everyone knew you’d do every single thing she asked, but they had all been proven wrong.

─────────༺♡༺─────────

There was an instant the next morning when you woke up, everything still foggy, where you forgot everything that had gone down the day before. You should’ve held onto those seconds tighter, but your brain didn’t let you as it brought back all the memories from the previous night like violent waves breaking into the shore, so painfully you had to hold your head with your hands.

When a servant walked in, he didn’t question the broken glass scattered all over the wooden floor, neither did he comment on the bare walls and the fact that you looked terrible. He didn’t because he was one of Victoria’s closest friends, Damiano. He silently pieced the story together in his mind and felt his heart break for his two dear friends.

He’d once described you two as a melody. A beautiful one that seemed to flow smoothly and left everyone around them speechless because the force in it was something that no one ever expected from such a quiet-sounding and delicate piece. You loved each other with everything you had, kissed each other like that time would be the last, and now, when you needed all that power and force, you weren’t using it. It made him sad and he couldn’t help but compare you two to an instrument that had gotten out of tune during an important solo.

Minutes before entering the room, he’d been ready to lash out at you for breaking his sister’s heart, but the mere sight of you made him reconsider. Especially when you looked at him with red eyes and tear-stained cheeks. You looked into his eyes with so much panic and desperation as you spoke up, voice hoarse and barely inaudible, “I’m so sorry.”

He crouched down to your level and didn’t hesitate to wrap his arms around your body and hold you like he’d held Victoria the night before. Damiano, for the first time in a while, was out of words to say. He wanted to understand what had happened because Victoria had been so distraught the night before that her words had come out in, mostly, incoherent mumbles that not even Thomas or Ethan could catch.

“What happened Y/N?” He asked in the sweetest, most delicate voice he could muster. It caught him off-guard how you started crying even harder at his question and gripped the collar of his shirt so tightly he was afraid of getting choked by a heartbroken you.

After a few sniffles, you spoke up. Thankfully, your words were much clearer than Victoria’s had been, “I fucked up, Damiano. That’s what happened,” You hiccuped, “I’m nothing but a coward. When my father threatened to kill her family I just stood there looking so fucking stupid. I just nodded along to everything he was saying.”

Damiano’s brown eyes opened wide as he processed your words, “He did what?” You brought a hand to your face and pulled at your hair in frustration at the realization that you had let those words slip. No one was supposed to know, especially not the person who was so close to her that he was basically her brother.

But the secret you’d tried so hard to hide was now out and it felt like a breath of fresh air after being close to suffocating, so you told him everything. All the words spilled out of your mouth and you didn’t even try to stop them. In fact, the exact opposite thing happened and you told him everything with as much detail as possible to the point where a little movie seemed to be playing inside your head.

He didn’t say a word until you finished talking. By that point, you had already calmed down enough to only sniff every once in a while, which was nothing compared to how distraught and shaken up you’d been minutes earlier. That’s when it dawned on him that the only thing you needed was to talk, it also explained why Victoria had been so heartbroken. She didn’t know about it…

It was like you were able to hear his thoughts, because the moment he opened his mouth to speak, you interrupted him, “No. I cannot tell Vic and neither can you. I know you love her just as much as I do and you know how she’d take this… Look, I can live happily if I know she’s out there, safe. How would I ever live with myself if she was gone and it was all my fault?”

His heart broke at your words, but he truly had no clue what he could ever say to make you feel any better, so the only thing he did was hold you closer and let you cry some more.

He eventually had to leave before another servant walked in to help you get ready for ‘the big day’. The other servant didn’t question the looks of your room either and stayed quiet as they helped you into the outfit that had been selected for you to wear to the wedding. You almost wanted to chuckle, you had no choice on who’d be there at the altar by your side and it seemed like you had no choice in what you’d be wearing either.

To anyone who’d seen you walk down the halls of the castle would’ve easily mistaken your frown for nothing more than being nervous at the thought of getting married. Hell, Damiano had even told you that a rumor had spread around the castle quickly after everyone found out about you being engaged.

It was, apparently, no secret to any of the servants that you were seeing someone. Anyone who didn’t know any better had thought it had been the other royal you were set to marry. That you’d spend blissful hours sneaking around the castle, eager to finally unite and live together forever. They weren’t exactly wrong. You did wish for that with everything you had, but not for the person who was already anxiously waiting at the altar for you to walk in.

No. You wanted all that with the blond-haired girl that sat at the very back, with her hair neatly braided back and a few flowers adding a pop of color to her head. You almost wanted to chuckle when you saw she wasn’t wearing a dress. Ever since you were little kids and she’d started working around the castle, she’d begged your father to let her wear a pair of jeans instead of the skirts maids would wear. He hadn’t seen it as a huge deal and ever since he allowed her to do so, you’d never seen her in a skirt, ever, much less a dress.

As you stood at the altar, you often looked for her in the crowd. Thankfully enough, she’d stayed with her eyes glued to the floor for most of the ceremony and hadn’t caught you staring, not once. Everything that followed seemed to happen so quickly you spaced out over most of it. It hurt, but Damiano’s reassuring smiles and just looking at Victoria gave you enough strength to keep the tears in.

You never thought that’s how your life would go, but you were thankful because at least she’d be safe. She’d have the chance to find someone else and fall in love one day. You only hoped that eventually, when many years had passed, Damiano would tell her all of the truth and maybe, just maybe, she’d find it in herself to forgive you for it all.

#victoria de angelis x reader #victoria de angelis x you #victoria de angelis x y/n #victoria de angelis fanfiction #maneskin x reader #maneskin fanfiction

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romchomp · 2 years

Text

nana rewatch notes- episode 9

happy halloween!! :) lucky for us, this happens to be one of my favorite eps

-when hachi flirts with men she treats it as a fun little activity. having a crush is just something to do for funsies. it’s funny how everytime someone makes a comment about how it's weird that she’s flirting with her boss she just...literally doesnt process it lol

- if you think about it, hachi+shoji haven’t spent that much time dating while in close contact. right around when they got together after being friends for a while, they spent a year in a long distance relationship. the second hachi moves to tokyo all sorts of problems arise.

-i’ve said this before, but again, we don’t really know what hachi and shoji liked about each other. not much has changed since when they first met. which is weird.

- also why does hachi continue to find herself in relationships that require/offer minimal contact, hm? Why is she so good at romanticizing them? (this is rhetorical i know why)

- oh i cannot listen to hachi say “but i hardly get the feeling i’ve grasped anything in these hands” AND LOOK THE OTHER WAY

GODDDODOAD LESBIAN

- she’s realizing she wants more. or that she isn’t happy with what she has. but she’s finally achieved her goal from high school: she lives in tokyo with her boyfriend. these were never about her as a person though, so even though she has what she wanted, she feels empty.

- this whole monologue is really good. she talks about how everything has worked out for her, but something is missing. “what do i want?”, “am i asking for too much?”

-it really makes you wonder what made hachi hold these things up in such high regards in the first place. I dont think even she knows.

- she was filled with doubt while thinking about shoji but after spending time with nana she is reassured that everything is just peachy lol

- “it’s always fun when i’m with nana”, “i guess this is what they mean when people say “you just click”

it’s honestly ludicrous the way hachi is always chasing after love+failing; while also perfectly describing it anytime she’s thinking about nana.

-nana makes a table to fit at the center of the window. This makes it harder for nana to stand at the center of shots, but thats okay because now she shares it with hachi :)

-YOU ARE GAY

-omg pls be nobu

- pissing and crying and throwing up…actually laughed so hard at this lol. i love them…

- “you’ll make a great wife” of course nobu would say that 💀

- i love that hachi is just watching nobu and nana be the dysfunctional siblings they are in bewilderment

- look at them

-so we know that nana has the desire to be prioritized, but has too much pride to ever outright ask for it. i’d also say that she’s SCARED to ask. she doesn’t expect it to last. nobu coming all the way to tokyo for her, while it moves her in some way, she’s afraid/doesn’t want to accept his gesture. that’s not to mention that nobu’s family owns a pretentious inn. one that that his family wants him to take over, and this is something nana emphasizes. nobu could turn his back on nana anytime he wanted. in nana’s eyes there’s nothing stopping him. but there is…nobu’s own wants+agency- and he wants to be in a band with nana. over and over in the series nobu reminds us that he will always chose nana.

-“i know you’d prefer a band to going solo” yasu once again having a good grasp on nana’s feelings. he says this because he understands nana, unlike nobu who thinks this as well- but it’s based in assumption and expectation.

-interesting that nobu is the one who understands nana the least out of him, yasu, and ren. and yet is the one seemingly the most flexible and willing to help nana.

THIS IS ONE OF MY FAVORITE SCENES

-the table is no longer in the way of nana standing in the center now that she stands on top of it to sing. she is the literal center of hachi’s view+attention (and using the table as a pedestal to boot)

-i want that fucking jacket

- now hachi is ALSO in the center of this shot as we watch nana’s performance through her eyes FUCKJLSDFBIAF IM OBSESSED WITH THIS SCENE ITS LITERALLY A MASTERPIECE GOODBYE

- okay one last thing: nobu being there on the side during this scene is also indicative of the future dynamic he’ll end up having with the two of them LMAO

-ep 9 of nana saved my life actually

previous episode

next episode

#nana #ai yazawa #episode 9 #went from no screenshots to TOO MANY screenshots lmao

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carcinized · 2 years

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allyster :O your blog roleplay idea is so cool !!

but also. knowing all that medieval knights were, can i not be a knight?

i can be.... emotional support stardust :D /j

or like royal advisor or whatever, i don't think i'm made for fighting lmao

(medieval knights were weird af. 1: yknow that thing called chivalry? basically it meant they had to be polite to the people they were fighting. so like if one knight had to go battle another knight and the other knight didn't have his armor on, the first knight couldn't just deck him. instead he had to be like "hello, knight 2, may i request a duel" and knight 2 would be like "sure, lemme just get dressed." also? there was this one medieval knight who spent a Ludicrous number of years trying to win the affection of a princess who was already married and who he decided was his true love at the ripe old age of 12. she treated him Horribly the whole time, and then he finally earned her affection in some Tiny Tiny way and then proceeded to do the same thing with another woman, then another, bc it wasnt actually about the woman but about the Quest and the Journey and the Suffering. and yknow the real kicker? in between his "quests," he'd occasionally go home to see his wife and kids. he was married. the whole time. and he said that his wife didnt know about his endeavors, but he was sure she'd be proud of him for bringing more honor to their family or whatever if she knew what he was doing. can you see why i dont want to be a knight lol)

ty ty!! im excited for once things get properly running to start an actual storyline >:) i'll probably make up a mystery for you guys to solve or something......

and i did not know this i was just imagining funny guys in funny suits but. yes you absolutely do not have to be a knight asahjksfhbcvksdjfh

youd technically be a noble anyways as we're mutuals, but if youd rather be emotional support stardust or a royal advisor thats super awesome too!!

#a message?#i'll keep your normal tag for now until we figure out what your title is!#stardust !#ask to tag

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inevitably-johnlocked · 4 years

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Weird q..but i really dont understand why most fans hate season 4, especially the last episode. Why? I think it gave us a deeper look on both sherlock and mycroft! I felt it tells a lot about mycroft how he had to step in and take control of things ever since he was a kid himself. Also he is not a robot or a killer. Also redbeard thing. It was an appropriate deep psychological trauma (cause most shows usually disappoint in that area). I am not trying to impose my opinion. Just want to understand

Hey Nonny!

It’s all good, and I totally respect your opinion and how you enjoyed S4! It’s totally okay! I know that there are quite a few who got a lot of of S4, and who genuinely enjoyed it.

Sadly, I am not one of those people, and I’ll try to be as diplomatic a possible in my response, but PLEASE know that I don’t think you’re “terrible” or “stupid” for liking S4 because I DO get passionate sometimes in my responses, and I’m just merely speaking as someone who studied the series very closely for quite a long time before S4 aired, and as someone who knows Day-One-ers (ie., people who watched Sherlock on its day one airdate) who also are a large majority of the people who did not like S4. This is just me simply stating why I didn’t like it, but it’s different for everyone.

Stating what I DO like: The acting and cinematography of the first two episodes were brilliant for what they had to work with, and I’ve never faulted any of the actors for the flaws of S4. And for TFP, they did the best with what they had to work with.

That’s… pretty much all I really liked about S4.

Now, here’s my problems with S4:

Nothing made a LICK of sense to the narrative that they were telling in Seasons prior.

This series was always based a bit in reality, and suddenly everything became comic-book rules: X-Men villains, shitty “redemption” arc, destroying favourite characters just for drama, ludicrous physics, explosions that only destroyed one small room in an apt where in previous episodes one explosion destroyed an entire block, etc.

Sherlock was OOC.

Mary was being built up to be a fantastic villain? Ah, nope, here’s the lacklustre twist where tee hee Mary’s just an assassin with a heart of gold that still emotionally abuses Sherlock and John and just won’t fucking stay dead.

And speaking of this, the DVD’s make NO LOGICAL SENSE unless she was planning to kill herself

AND she tries to make her death equatable to Sherlock’s??

Everyone was RIDICULOUSLY out of character in TFP, I’m so sorry: Mycroft is a bumbling coward for the most part, Sherlock disregards John when he gives the Vatican Cameos warning, the Holmes Parents are assholes because Mycroft COULDN’T SOLVE A PROBLEM WHEN HE WAS 12?? ARE YOU SERIOUS???? And that creepy Moriarty / Eurus thing, and LITERALLY they’re implying that EVERYTHING HAPPENED BECAUSE EURUS DIDN’T GET A HUG. Like, I’m so sorry, but that’s lazy writing.

And don’t even get me started on the ridiculousness of the entire character of Eurus. She LITERALLY had X-Men powers, and like… just nothing made sense. Her involvement in the entirety of S4 MADE NO SENSE. Why go back to prison if you can get out?? WHAT IS THE POINT?? AND I repeat: She did all this because she didn’t get a hug. Yes. I’m oversimplifying, but at the base level, that’s what it was, because she wanted Sherlock’s attention. Welcome to the club, kid, stand in line, everyone on the SHOW wants his attention.

The ENTIRE plot of the first 2 seasons got wiped out all because it wasn’t Moriarty who was interested in Sherlock, but Eurus?? What… What about Carl Powers?? Like…. the ENTIRETY of season one and TGG makes no sense now, because of that one 5 minute scene where Eurus “enlists” Moriarty. I… ugh.

The SUDDEN tonal switch from kind-of Sherlock to James Bond, for some fucking reason.

And on that note, how terribly lazy and cheap TFP looks in comparison to the other two episodes. The whole episode looks like it was filmed in a small house with 4 identical rooms.

EVERYTHING that was etablished in 2 episodes prior were COMPLETELY forgotten when Mary was “shot”.

The complete character assassination of one loyal blogger John H Watson in favour of Mary for some fucked up reason, even though AT HIS OWN WEDDING HE COULDN’T STAND BEING AROUND MARY. I’m sorry, but I don’t believe for one damned second that John would EVER forgive Mary for murdering his best friend after seeing what it did to him. That’s not love from her, and that’s NOT John’s character EVER in the ENTIRETY of the series.

And speaking of character assassinations, Molly’s character being devolved to S1E1 Molly, where instead of giving her agency like they were doing with her the ENTIRE series, so much so that Sherlock picked up on her dominance enough to give her a big role in his mind palace in HLV and TAB, only to make her a sad little self-insert Mary Sue pining for the main character, and in turn made Sherlock a TERRIBLE human being for MAKING HER say what she did. It’s gross.

AND speaking of Molly’s character, they’ve been setting up Mollstrade since as early as ASiB, but I guess that plot line got shafted. Look I LOVE Hopkins, and I am ANGRY they didn’t give her more than 3 fucking lines in the entirety of ONE episode after HEAVILY promoting her actress and character, but they essentially reduced her to a piece of ass for Lestrade to chase. AND THAT’S NOT HIS CHARACTER EITHER. EW GROSS.

The constant plot holes being gaped wide open, and the Chekov’s gun moments where they bring up shit but do nothing with it!!

TD-12? Nope, just a lame reference to a story we like.

John got shot at the end of TLD with a VERY REAL FUCKING GUN? Nope, it was a dart gun.

John not suddenly knowing how to be a doctor.

The TGG one I mentioned up above.

What was in the letter? And who was Anyone??

Moriarty essentially being erased as anything other than a hired thug and had no part whatsoever in Sherlock’s history.

Eurus… Just all of her character is asinine.

Everyone in T6T suddenly not knowing John’s the blogger, which is in direct contradiction to literally the entire series.

The AGRA plotline was ridiculous, in the end.

Baby? What baby? It was only there when convenient.

They dropped whatever plotline they were going to do for Mycroft: He was being set up as either dying, or the villain.

Redbeard. I’m sorry, I disagree with you on that. Mofftiss is trying to tell me that a little boy fell down a well and went missing, and that WASN’T the first place searchers / the police wouldn’t have looked? Sorry, no. And then. AND THEN his parents just… go along with this thing where Sherlock shuts down and they DON’T get him therapy? Yes, I agree the mind is a funny thing, and we can be traumatised into forgetting or dissociating from traumatic events. I GET IT. But… like I don’t believe the Holmes are so heartless as to just never grieve or have memories around about their supposedly dead daughter. It’s another OCC thing for me.

John’s cheating.

Disappearing and reappearing characters, like this scene, and the entirety of the aquarium scene.

Mary and John being terrible parents

OH GOD THIS FUCKING SCENE. That bomb SHOULD HAVE DESTROYED THE ENTIRE BUILDING.

What… who was this girl on the plane? What? Like I know WHO, but if she’s supposed to be Eurus talking to Sherlock, why don’t we see Eurus… talking to Sherlock? I … Ugh.

NORBURY.

The glass SUPER SECRET GOVERNMENT ROOM THAT NO ONE SHOULD SEE INTO in T6T.

Sloppy camera work that some believe was intentional, but if it wasn’t, jesus c’mon.

The RIDICULOUS amount of 4th Wall Breaking. Like… even the actors didn’t give a shit.

Essentially, everything on this list here and in this blog tag here.

And everything mentioned on these three posts:

T6T: 10 Revealing Things That Haunt You Late at Night

TLD: 10 Revealing Things That Haunt You Late at Night

TFP: 10 Revealing Things That Haunt You Late at Night

There’s SO much more I can go into, but please go through my “something’s fucky” tag in that last link.

Notice how probably 90% of that has NOTHING to do with “johnlock not becoming canon” because the Johnlockers get MONSTROUS accusations as to THAT being why we didn’t like S4, even though it was, like critically panned by the GENERAL AUDIENCE who have NO investment in the series other than “I liked it in the past”.

Two of my fave YouTubers have interesting (not perfect, but still good) takes coming at the series as casual viewers:

‘The Day Sherlock Died’ by The Closer Look

‘Sherlock is Garbage, and Here’s Why’ by hbomberguy

So it’s NOT just Johnlockers. I’ve talked to Sher1011ies at 221B con who didn’t like S4 either, because most of them realized how shitty Molly was treated in the last episode. So yeah, a big middle finger to those who think I dislike S4 because of “no Johnlock”. No, I disliked it because I need my stories to make logical narrative sense. I disliked it because I love John and they ruined his character all for the sake of drama and because Moffat has a “hurting Ben” kink. I disliked it because Mary should NOT have been “redeemed” because she was an abuser. I disliked it because Moriarty was turned into a cartoon villain, even though he was already overused in the series. I disliked it because the core of the show – the FRIENDSHIP of Sherlock and John, and their solving mysteries together – did not exist at all. I disliked it because John got sidelined. I disliked it because TFP was a ridiculous episode that, if you replace ANY of the characters, it wouldn’t make a difference, because it didn’t feel like an episode of Sherlock. I disliked it because everyone was OOC.

Anyway. Sorry. One too many accusations my way over the past 1100+ days LOL.

As for your assessment of TFP, I’m going to have to respectfully disagree with you. There was no growth and actually it implies something far more sinister: That the Holmes are and were terrible parents that gave no shits about their daughter, their traumatized son, and expected their eldest to essentially be a parent. It implies that Mycroft, at 12 years old, orchestrated the ENTIRE Sherrinford thing… Look I can suspend my disbelief, but there’s limits, and this is one of them. A LITERAL CHILD. Perhaps Uncle Rudy had a hand in it somehow, but then why not shit on Uncle Rudy? Why is Mycroft blamed for it all?

Look, I don’t doubt Sherlock had a traumatic experience regarding “Redbeard”. But then why play into the fact that he was a dog? Why bring another character into the series just to have a gotcha moment? Because Mofftiss wanted a “Shyamalan twist”, that’s why. They threw EVERYTHING away for a twist ending either because they GENUINELY thought it was good, or they got tired of doing Sherlock. ALL of TFP is LITERALLY a really bad plot twist because reasons. TFP makes no sense to the ENTIRE narrative structure of the previous 12 episodes. It erased EVERYTHING from the previous episodes, and coated it with a gross closing by a character no one wanted in the series, and then tried to convince us that it’s a new beginning – “a journey they had to go through” – but it SOLVED NOTHING.

Anyway. I have big feels about S4, and the only way I can enjoy it is to watch it subtextually, but even then, I cannot sit through TFP without cringing.

That said, Lovelies, please do not attack Nonny for enjoying S4! I know you guys won’t, but Nonny came out with an olive branch and they just want to understand why the fandom is passionate about S4′s… whatever it was. We can have a civil discussion about it, and point out – without attacking – why S4 is universally panned. It’s okay to like things no one else does, and Nonny was respectful to me in this ask!

So with that, feel free, lovelies, to express why YOU didn’t enjoy the series, or why you did! I’m interested in both “sides” / pov’s whatever :)

#steph replies #long post #sherlock s4 #s4 shitposting #mofftiss #something's fucky #the mary problem #my thoughts #my meta #shitposting steph #sorry gang if you like the season #it's easier for me to enjoy it if i tinhat

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