#and some of us did want worth it

[uncommonsunlight]

Gonna go do other angry chore things shortly because anytime I sit to chill, I start doom scrolling but I just have to say, it's not about us wanting them to keep making things for free forever. It's about how they're treating fans who would have given anything they could, if they had just let us know what was going on before it got to this point.

It's about they hyped this as a huge news drop that we would all be super jazzed about...and then said "well I guess you guys don't want to follow us, peace out" when we weren't.

It's about them not doing a minimum of market research, or just TRY to use other alternatives, because they don't want to do the hard lifting of self-promotion, or have the patience to wait for their community to grow as they put out the content we really wanted to see.

It's about them not even caring enough about their fans to consider international costs and money exchanges and cutting out anyone outside of the U.S. because they thought "anyone can afford this".

It's not about them being worth $6 a month. It's about them deciding that if you can't afford that, you are not worth their time.

#watcher #watcher entertainment #truly heartbreaking that I invested so much into a team that was just going to turn around and do this #we do not need fancy camera angles and cinematography #you will never win an oscar for ghost files #we just wanted the ghoul boys #and some of us did want worth it #but not in this economy #not anymore

[introspectivememories]

#AUUUGH WAILING SCREAMING CRYING SLIDING DOWN THE WALL SOBBING #BROCEDES PLEASE WHY COULDN'T YOU TWO HAVE BEEN NON-FAMOUS #WHY DID YOU DRAG ALL OF US INTO YOUR SITUATIONSHIP #my mom is sick of me wailing about them. nearly collapsed at work when i remembered 'yes... and team-mate' #sliver springs is going platinum in my house rn #how can you be childhood friends and just fall apart like that? i think about falling out with tas like that and i go nearly catatonic #yeah you're a 7x wdc winner and you got the one wdc that you wanted but was it worth it? was this loss worth it? would you do it again? #going by the interviews they probably would and that's why they fell out in the first place. i literally cannot imagine caring about some #trophy over my childhood best friend but like i guess that's why they're pro level athletes and i'm in my room posting about them #anyway what the fuck was up during f1 photographers during their fallout? why is every photo of them cinematic? did you know we'd be using #them? did you know we'd go crazy? or were you also like 'oh this is cinema in the making. i gotta capture this.'? #anyway for all of that want to know where the quote is from‚ it's jacob black from twilight when bella is getting turned into a vamp #stephanie meyer had one (1) banger line and it was this #brocedes #brocedes edit #f1 edit #f1 web weaving #nico rosberg #lewis hamilton #nr6 #lh44 #formula 1 #web weaving #please ignore my absolutely atrocious photo editing skills. thank you imgflip!!

[flickerintwilights]

on the road to hell

#hadestown #art #my art #tag ramble as promised: #firstly #i’ve been thinking about redoing this as digital art #(like - mostly the same but cleaner and with some of the details fixed) and probably will if i have time #because i like this composition a lot #but! for now i am oddly happy with how this turned out despite being traditional art/watercolor (no undo button. sobs.) #and it Is a noteworthy day for hadestown with lola tung and lillias white departing #(this is Not meant to celebrate them specifically - i used the obc as reference not them - i just think it’s a nice day symbolically) #so i thought i’d put this out. whatever. yknow. #oh a second thing i will say is that this was a great excuse to check out the slime tutorials on youtube #i spent like 9 or something hours on this :/ so. plenty of time to have things on in the background while i was working. we love slime #thirdly! two things i feel like are worth mentioning rq for Symbolism: #wait for me reprise (intro) originally having wedding procession imagery (from anaïs mitchell in working on a song) #is what first made me desperately want to put the flower/petals on the edges (it still fucking haunts me) #though it was a solid composition choice in general i think #and i mean. clearly the carnation should be prominent. it’s the carnation. from hadestown. #i don’t think the wedding procession reference comes across the way it turned out but that was the first thought #NEXT ouroboros. the snake devouring its own tail (i legitimately forgot that this was why i first drew the rattlesnake that way but #fundamentally i really did just want its tail and head to point to each other lmao)

[lucalicatteart]

A new sculpture! Finally... I feel like I never sculpt anymore since I'm always sick or have some 500 other things going on or projects to finish, but I'm trying to schedule time to do it more often this year hopefully..! Just a generic fantasy creature as usual, but did try making the eyes a little more sparkly this time.. hrmm..

#sculpture #fantasy art #fantasy creature #art #elf #lol what are the tags I should use... I still never know.. EVIL social media.. hate the idea of tagging anything ever anyway. but alas.. #I also would ideally like to start selling them again and open up custom commmissions and stuff again once I can hopefully get paypal #stuff sorted out. and find like.. a good way to do things.. etc.. I did still want to sell them through auction instead of agonizing #over setting prices being afraid they're either too high or too low. So being able to just be like. Here. this is $50. or more. or less. #negotiate. the worth is whatever you feel like it is so i personally dont have to make that decision. etc. lol... But etsy doesn't let you #do auctions or like pay what you want type stuff so.. then I was thinking ebay? but idk.. ANYWAY.. I want to set things #up so I can sell stuff again hopefully. I still haven't fully recovered from the costs of when I had to take my cat to the vet and put #them down last year and etc. So it'd be good to sell a few things. perhaps.. maychance... perhamble... so on and so forthe... ANYWAY #I was going for whiter more milky sort of hair that blends in closely with the skintone but after the paint dried it seems more yellowy kin #of. which is fine. But just not exacltly like my mind vision lol.. #Also it's like... wow... someone with face spots and elf ears and a half open mouth with a gap tooth and wavy hair and kind of downturned #eyes... revolutionary... never been seen before... every sculpture I have ever made surely doesnt look licherally exactly like this... LOL #but maybe it's just a style. so what. People have their motifs lol.. Im just getting back into sculpting. I shall sameface in peace. huzzah #Just like the only thing I ever carve out of avocado pits anymore is eyes. Because that's just whats fun to do. I'm going to accumulate lik #25 similar avocado eyes and have nothing to do with them. I was thinking of stringing some together into a necklace of eyes or something li #like that but.. hrmm... ANYWAY.. Love to do the same things repetitively. :3c

[alchemania]

Finally got enough energy to talk about Furina's SQ and while I loved her and the troupe, MC and Paimon were .... Not Great. I talked about this with friends but in Paimon's case especially, the way they interact with Furina feels like people who just don't understand trauma and depression and then engage with someone suffering from both in all the wrong ways.

Talking about how much of a downgrade her house is from the opera house, making fun of how she can't cook, pushing her to act when she's set a very clear boundary and then guilt tripping her after she's stuck to her guns, shaming her for not being able to fight well (Paimon literally talks about how second hand embarrassment is overwhelming and I'm just like ?????), telling her she's "not acting like herself" when she attempts to open up and be vulnerable....it's just really rough. That and the MC asking "is something wrong" when Furina gets sad over Poission ..like bro people died and she couldn't save them and she's tearing herself apart over it. Those people are never coming back and you know it and you have the gall to ask her is something wrong??? Of COURSE there is!!

It just feels especially odd because we literally get to see all of Furina's suffering and Paimon in particular is. SO mean? Like she was more understanding with Wanderer and Ei and THEY'VE tried to kill us multiple times!! I don't get it, and honestly I'm very proud of Furina for refusing to waver. Let her rest!! She's tired and depressed and she needs time to heal; and honestly fuck Paimon for trying to make her feel bad. Furina's worked harder than she EVER will.

#as someone with depression and who's highly sensitive this story quest hurt a LOT because ive also encountered people who don't understand. #i've been told i need to get over my anxiety. i've been asked what am i so tired from since i just lay in bed. #so furina's character and how she was treated hit very very hard for me. she's isolating herself and not coping well but she is TRYING. #she's trying so hard and she equates her worth to her role. like she literally tells you that she serves no more use to anyone. #and i wanted to shake her so hard. because it's not about what she can do #she has worth simply because she exists. full stop. she is loved and she is appreciated just for being herself #her worth isn't decided by her power yk?? #i hope she can rest and heal and find some good friends - after the way mc and paimon treated her i honestly don't think they should be #or if they are; they'd have to work to earn her trust cuz good LORD. they treated her so weird and so tone deaf!! #i've seen a lot of people complaining about it too so im glad im not alone. #anyway. there is something wrong with me i have cried actual tears over furina please god she needs a hug #and to be told she did a good job and she can rest now and things will get better #4.2 spoilers #genshin impact #furina

[puppyeared]

what if i snapped and made an oc carrd

#i mean.... i could #this isnt the first time ive thought of doing it but i drop ocs so easily its not even funny. so idk if itd be worth it #id consider toyhouse or smth but i dont have money lol. right now everythings on artfight but thats more for drawing purposes #what ocs would i even talk abt... i have some standalones like auggie and ocs i think look cool but dont plan on using #but some others have their own stories.. not like a huge thought out plot but something i pick up and twirl around in my head #like luckys whole deal is being a hiking guide who accidentally gets tied up with some werewolves pretending to be a hiking group to eat pp #and then i have the magician rivals. although i kinda wanna tie theirs with the nightguard and thief story ive been cooking. maybe in the #same universe? it would be pretty funny if they lived in the same apartment complex since a couple stories i have in mind revolve around th #its like some sort of omnibus or anthology to me. kicks my feet #and then fan characters like xin ya and sleight who i want to have their own expanded lore and stuff. i think that would be cool #im making crow a powerpoint of xins updated lore but the assignmence are making it hard. hopefully it turns out good though #i have a hard time writing personality and xins is always the hardest bc theyre probably the least like me. i tend to stick to #characters similar to myself to get in their head. but bc their backstory affects their personality so strongly i have to do some thinking #anyway. hopefully i remember this later #yapping #oc #oc talk #ive also been playing neko atsume recently for nostalgia and why did we as a society ever stop playing it. its so chill #you just take pictures of silly little cats and leave them silly little toys and treats. and the music is cute

[vyeoh]

If you make a figure skating au you're contractually obligated to make everyone intensely toxic and weirdly homophobic in the unique way only skating clubs and liberal suburbs are

#vio.txt #figure skating #this is mostly a joke do whatever you want lmao #but also. get some of that rink politics in there!!!! the girls are always fighting!!!! #wheres the mom who runs the club exhibitions and gives girls spots based on how pretty they are #wheres the fucking. crime family vibes of the 4 main families that run a rink #perhaps i am thinking about this again as i am debating with myself if buying $600 used skates on ebay is worth not having foot damage #i did NOT dedicate over a decade to this sport for it to be romanticized like this /j #but also im tempted to make a figure skating au if not just to draw crowley in jonny weir outfits

[szampers]

Personal notes from before the szpd epiphany nr. 1: on maintaining online correspondences. More info in tags

sometimes I want to be alone. Arguably way too often. A break from online interaction too, that at its core is people interaction too.

Connection, in whatever kind of form, is far better than total isolation. The benefits outweigh the bad, though that too isn't pleasant to endure. I keep thinking about returning to my original state of isolation.

Going off for a break is fine. But what if you don't come back? they could be on my mind for the entire duration, yet I don't reply to them or share whatever it is that I've been up to. It's probably the maintenance which is the hardest part.

#this is me being conflicted about keeping correspondences with online friends. #i had a certain rigid mentality of either i ditch them entirely or i keep interacting witht them at the expense of myself #it was rather hard for me to tell them i needed space for myself in a way that'd have them understand #good thing we have moved past that now !! a friend told me he wanted to take some distance off his phone and i co opted that #thing is. he didn't stick with it. but i did !! #the first few days i was off discord i felt awful as i wasn't used to being alone anymore. i was confronted with how empty my life was #more than anything i was forced to recognize how much I'd been using discord as a means of escapism. and how much i was consumed by it #that definitely did distract me from issues i should've tackled head on sooner. i did find out about szpd only after i took distance #made a few other epiphanies so it's all well worth it #rambling #schizoid #szpd #schizoid personality disorder

[lord-squiggletits]

"Rodimus is a better Prime because it didn't hurt for him to bond with the Matrix while for Optimus it did" headcanon/theory my beloathed.

One day I'm literally gonna snap and make a whole post addressing why what's wrong bc I'm tired of the inaccuracy and tired of ppl not understanding the Point TM of IDW and its version of the Matrix/Primacy and even more tired of people putting down Optimus in favor of Rodimus by essentially arguing that being unworthy means you deserve to be punished/put in pain bc you just weren't good enough to hold the Symbol of Ultimate Authority

#it's wrong on so many levels both in terms of lore and as well as like what the general themes of idw1 are #it's just a validation contest using the matrix as some magical symbol to decide who's the most special #which is ironically something that was a plot point in exrid/OP. specifically how stupid of an idea that is ldskjflksd #ppl revealing that they havent read anything besides mtmte/ll as usual #like half the reason ppl think optimus is a bad prime and rodimus is a good prime is literally bc like #optimus was written by an author who was specifically trying to deconstruct him (sometimes to the point of absurdity) #and rodimus was written by an author who takes a more optimistic/idealistic approach. and is also better at writing #but also like am i seriously the only person who thinks that that argument is fucked up????? #like 'OP felt pain which means he's unworthy/not a real prime/not a true leader' #ok so you think that there's a hierarchy of moral goodness in which anyone who falls short of that Moral Ideal should suffer #as a sign of their unworthiness?? like does that not sound dystopian as hell to any of you?? why would you WANT the matrix to work like tha #even if the theory were true (which it isn't) why would you view the matrix as a good authoritative moral judge of character #if its idea of 'moral judgement' is to inflict pain on anyone who's supposedly not truly good/worthy #wasn't the entire point of the ending of LL (including rodimus being a good leader) that everyone is worth it? #like rodimus literally said 'you ARE damn well good enough' or something like that #so what? everyone else in the universe tries their best and that's enough but somehow when OP suffers it's like #a sign that he's not actually a good prime/leader?? we're really going with the punitive perspective purely for One Guy?? #swear to god ppl are projecting their authority issues onto Optimus the way they shit on him for things they would excuse #if any other character did it #Optimus is uniquely deserving of pain/being marked as unworthy bc idk he was a cop once and that offends my delicate sensibilities #what's even funnier is how much harm was inflicted by rodimus as a captain sheerly due to his stupidity or ego but everyone forgives him #i guess bc as long as the matrix likes him that means he's valid no matter what he actually does as a person #WHICH IS SOMETHING IDW ITSELF ARGUED AGAINST BC A LOT OF THE PRIMES THAT WERE CHOSEN BY THE MATRIX #WERE DICKS AND THE FACT THEY COULD WIELD THE MATRIX DIDN'T MAKE THEM GOOD PEOPLE #like oh my god stop using the matrix as an arbiter of moral authority in idw1 it literally goes against the themes of the story #including the themes that are embodied in rodimus himself #idw op love

[lioriel]

Day Eight: The Fool

Briar Rose & Jake Grimm

For the Sisters Grimm Sketch & Drabble Challenge

#Jacob Grimm #Briar Rose #Sisters Grimm #Sisters Grimm MB #The Fool #Sketch Challenge #I updated my software and tried out some new brushes #Totally worth the $20 Upgrade #Also now sorta wishing I had drawn in the titles of each trope into the previous sketches #Also yeah I easily could have used Puck for this trope and almost did but Jake wanted a turn #my art

[kyouka-supremacy]

Uhm..................

#I got an ask‚ and to answer I was bracing myself to make a big bsd content masterpost #And I did! I was already on my way to share all the manga reading platform I use for every manga‚ I had already listed them up #And I was going to add the additional content like anime streaming resources and art scans resources... #But now I'm having some serious reconsiderations #Like I was happy to make a masterpost! Making masterposts is fun- #and fuels the autistic need to put every little thing in little categories #But now I don't know if it's... Safe to have them all in one place?? I was very glad to share with people the resources I personally use- #but I really don't want to make something that is just. A big list of sites to report / shut down. The thought scares me immensely #And I thought it was safe to share manga reading platforms on Tumblr but what about‚ to name one‚ n/yaa? Would it be safe to link to that? #And it's something I'd highly want to include because some stuff that's there you won't find anywhere else‚ #such as the Dead Apple official English translation‚ the official Beast English scans... #Same would go‚ to make another example‚ for m/initokyo‚ or anime streaming platform. #Is it safe to share those... Uhm... More hidden websites through Tumblr? And if not‚ do I have any alternative for sharing? #I'm quite sad because I was already half way through making the list- #but now I'm not sure it's worth to continue if I never end up sharing it. #But then again the safety of people who share content has the maximum priority to me– I wouldn't be able to do ANYTHING without them #Mmmmmmmmmmmhhhh... #I even contemplated sharing the masterlist through text file‚ but I'm not sure if that might work out. #For one‚ I will never EVER use g/oogle docs or any g/oogle service for the matter. I'd rather die #So... I'd really appreciate it if anyone could advice me on this / had any suggestion / thought #random rambles #Sorry for the long ramble. I'm stuck

[shallowrambles]

So I've been thinking. It's funny how enjoying meta is somewhat embedded with trust.

Like, if you're "friends" and have followed a person for a long time, you have more a sense of their values, and it's easier to read their difficult meta because you trust more that they're being charitable/nuanced.

If you don't know them, it's harder to trust that they're not funneling difficult topics into rationalization of liking/supporting gross shit.

#meta thoughts #case in point - so much of the wincest community still comes off super classist to me and it sorts of...leaks into their meta #you'll be going alone with an interesting character study and then you read stuff that just BOOM classism about family ties #then you go to their page and you find that yes they're into that shit and there's typically a desert of thoughtful cas military angels etc #they tend to like benny cause benny is an idealized brother substitute / sam parallel and it's given the most uncharitable reading #just because you choose a partner than is familiar and like your fam members does not mean you're into your family members oh my god #and sure there's tons of visual and overt racism in SPN in general but to me that at least gets discussed #the classism inherent to narrative fangirl obsessions with incest? not as dissected #familism and community are seen as Weird (TM) to them and they kind of tell on themselves with that imho #and like with racism there are just some things you can't overlook to enjoy a series if you're black because that's your day to day life an #with classism it's hard too bc sometimes you can't escape the reminders of day to day life #and when ppl in the fandom see the villain's monologues as TRUTH you just wanna shake your head but know it's not worth arguing #communal living is more normal than america wants you to think...rich folks want it labelled *weird* bc they want you separated and drained #i am begging us to deconstruct suburbia instead of defaulting to TEEHEE incest bc shitting on pooled resources is paramount in a rigged gam #I find the inherent isolation of american living-to-work without any time to visit each other VERY isolating indeed...also... #like how did we get here #where we're so afraid of labels like*cults* and *helicopter parenting* and *enmeshment* than we isolate as a form of hallowed independence #american success culture has a dark side too #and separating low class families is the aim #get them to spend more $$$ and go for lofty ideals in pursuit of american dream instead of pooling their resources and meeting their needs #meanwhile rich folks do so much respectable nepotism and pretend they're *self-made* #to me that's what the symbol of zachariah is ALLLL about #and if you're blind to what his taunts ACTUALLY mean...i'm very suspicious of your worldview #if resource sharing and co-living becomes shameful and *incestuous* for lower classes then they won't pool their power at all #american exceptionalism #spn + class #class #class warfare #giving up college dreams to be a caretaker seems way more common in poor families too #i suspect we see the incest reading less from brown families / hispanic fams...cause familism is more common

[caffeinatedopossum]

I honestly don't think I was capable of fully understanding how dangerous restricting was until after I had been in recovery for like 8 months already. And I sadly really mean that. I worry about you guys :((

#i dont mean this in a condescending way i mean this in a i literally had brain damage from my ed way #if you dont care if you die or not thats one thing. but believe me when i tell you this: #your ed will not kill you fast. it will take 10+ years of physical and psychological torture. and yes i mean torture thats not exaggeratio #and if you decide in ten years that its not worth and you want to recover thats awesome of course #but theres a high likelihood of irreversible damage at that point #it doesnt take a lot to make your body sick #not nearly as much as i think you guys think #the things you're sacrificing are not under your control. you didnt choose to be sick and you do deserve to be helped #we all make it out one way or another #i just hope you guys make it out sooner than i did #because no one deserves that and i mean it. not even me #the things your ed can do to you arent even talked about. not in media not even in a lot of anorexia forums #not even by the doctors that treat them #after a few years of restricting even if you havent lost weight your body is damaged #your brain is damaged. a lot of the damage is reversible but some of it inevitably wont be #idk i know fear mongering isnt going to help any of you #i just get really mad that there arent better resources and treatments for us out there #i may be just one person but i mean this with all of my heart #i hope you find better days and health and carefree mornings and nights without the shroud of obsessive thoughts #and warmth and love and the mental clarity and strength to keep fighting #you all mean so much to me #and this blog will always be a safe space for people struggling with eds wether they want to recover or not #please take care of yourselves

[lemongogo]

i need 2 get back into painting fish

#said in the ‘gary i need’ voice #or painting in general . i want 2 get into plein air #and go to like . arizona or smth and paint the landforms . soo red and orange and rocky and dusty and ❤️🫶 #the round brushstrokes on tht 1 would be so much fun~_~ #its such a tiresome medium though.like all the set up and cleanup and stuff #i refuse to learn abt oil precautions so i just stick to acrylic but even then it dries so fast and its like.mindgame trying to decide what #to focus on in the little time u have . and god forbid u paint on a layer too soon and u lift it off the canvas #HELLLLLLL. but the end result is always so worth it . like holding a physical piece.its 3d .its REALL #fish r so much fun to paint bc 1 u get to pay attn to their morphology but 2 they jave the best textures #im not averse to painting fur but i lovee . the interplay btwn light and fish skin. its so epic and awesome #the only other artist ik of in my family is my uncle & he METALWORKS!!! FISH !!! ITS SOOO FREAKIG COOL #i want to learn from him so bad . guh.GUAHHHHH. anyways i just think its funny that the two of us r fixated on recreating fish #crosses my arms . #okhh.. i also wnt to get into mosaics . god.GOAODDD #did i talk abt this 1 alr.. reread the b1p arc w the mosaic and fresco work and it makes me so sick why couldnt i go to art college and make #frescoes and mosaics .woe is me or whagever . no but its so tempting 2 just buy some tesserae and get 2 it .. #i saw a pigeon mesh mosaic n it like lit that fire under me . what we need js like one giant art collective #that magically provides all the supplies in the world for free and we hold hands and make art in 20 different disciplines 2000 different wys

[orcelito]

The good news: I will have Chinese food tomorrow

The bad news: I have to see my mom as part of it :[

#speculation nation #negative/ #i guess. i Am complaining. #i did agree to this. better to rip the bandaid off ahead of the family christmas. #but i havent talked to her since like... jeeze. i really think it's been over 2 years by this point now. #ignored all her calls and texts and Letters even #like what am i supposed to say? heyyy ma nice to see you (i guess). why havent i called? well uhhhhh #even in her letter she sent me it was essentially a nearly illegible journal she kept during a depressing as fuck time #something that really shouldve stayed as a journal. but no she wrapped it up stuck a sticker on it and drew some nail polish on the envelope #i am her child and yet she was using me as a therapist. venting things and In The Letter saying she didnt know why she said them #like. mom. you know you dont have to send me everything you write right? you know you can start over right? #but no she just writes with no filter. no consideration for me. #because she's a sad sad woman who sees her children as the only things worth living for #and i do say things. she doesn't fucking care about me as a person. #she just misses the experience of being these little impressionable people's Everything. #no one puts up with her bullshit these days and how sad is that? #so. well. that's the kind of reason why i havent talked to her. bc she's a fucking drain just to be around. #but shes my mother yada yada and something in me still feels maybe even slightly socially obligated to see her #really though i just want to see her Side of the family. i miss them. i haven't seen them in too long. #and in order to see them i have to see her. and i decided itd be best to see her ahead of time #so that family xmas is. at least slightly less awkward. hopefully. #what am i supposed to do if she tries to hug me or something? i dont want to hug her. #either she'll be all weepy that i havent been talking to her or she'll try to act like nothing's changed at all. #or maybe both. who knows. either way itll be entirely about her. as it always is. #i just need to make sure i dont end up alone with her #so long as my sister or grandma are there too she wont be As insufferable. hopefully.

[terrainofheartfelt]

.

#i need to be childish and rant some more about this thing #i talked to a mutual friend — the poet of our group— and she advised me to repair things with this friend i had a Thing with last week #and the adult intellectual side of me who has a modicum of emotional intelligence knows she’s right #i know it #but GOD. does anyone else feel like their well of grace is running dry? #the thing about being The Good Kid is that I am always reaching first #it always falls to me #and like god I can’t remember the last time someone has reached for me. because I am worth the effort of repair #and I am TIRED. and I just want to be wanted as a friend for a goddamn second #going to be litigious on my own tumblr blog for a minute #because I am the wronged party here. she was the one who leapt at me #and honestly made me feel like she thought so little of me. after all the years we’ve known each other #i was open and vulnerable with her through a really hard fucking time for me #and I didn’t think she would ever use it as ammo against me but she DID #so why does the repair have to fall to ME #and I know — I know that sitting and waiting for her to talk first is childish and I could be waiting for a long long time #i know that is ultimately unproductive and doesn’t get anyone anywhere #(just like i know this friend is working through some deep deep shit) #(and my shit is lesser) #i know all this AND YET #I want to be petulant and pathetic because I never get to let the line down ever and I’m exhausted is everyone else exhausted #but it’s also like. this friendship this group is for fucking life and i really mean that #i am just—— UGH #anyway this is the anguish occupying my brain this wed evening #also i am afraid to reach out because what if i inadvertently hurt her and what if #what if reaching out only gives her an opening to hurt me again?