#and still going

[taboo-delusion]

So, I just discovered something interesting.

This is a bit of a long one, so bear with me. It's important. Seriously.

I just woke up a few hours ago. My meds are starting to kick in. I was having a very serious and genuine, deep conversation (in-head) and it was... beautiful. It wasn't happy, but it was beautiful. Not the point.

Point is:

I had not had a single fucking intrusive thought today until someone made a noise in the other room.

I am so fucking PISSED OFF

Why my brain refuses to realize that intrusive thoughts CAUSED the good feeling to go away, I have no fucking idea. I've known that for almost a year now, yet my stupid fucking subconscious refuses to change anything it's doing

Before I snap my fucking android phone in half and yeet somebody's face into neptune, I thought I'd share the discovery!!!!

Basically:

MY INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS DID NOT START UNTIL SOMETHING STARTLED ME OUT OF FOCUS

AS I TYPE THIS, I REALIZE THAT INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS -AT LEAST FOR ADHDERS- ARE A SURVIVAL TACTIC.

Elaborating:

When you fall asleep and your heart slows too much, your body does the falling thing to make sure you're still alive.

It's not that intrusive thoughts are *Just* because your brain gets too quiet, It's because your life has never been completely quite before, or -like me- the few times it is quiet, something interrupts. And even if it doesn't piss you off, even if you don't jump like I do, your brain still registers it as not safe.

--

Falling asleep, heart slows a lot-

Body: *Sends adrenaline just to make sure it still actually works.*

Drowning, even mostly unconscious-

Body and brain: *Hold onto that last half-breath even if it feels like you're head is going to explode.*

Going grocery shopping or talking to someone you think is cool-

Brain: *Remembers what it felt like the first time your guardian was indifferent or mean about something that made you happy or calm.*

Things around you actually get quiet-

Brain *Sends a thought you hate just to make sure you're prepared for a sudden problem.*

TDLR 1: Your brain isn't mean on purpose, It's just paranoid and still has a will to live.

Listen. I know I'm just some random dude from a weird blog. But I'm trying to translate, to assist. Maybe somebody else needs this realization as much as I do. I apologize for the yelling earlier. I'm still just as upset, but only at my dumbass subconscious. Now some time has passed, and I have regained self-control.

(I also apologize for the above paragraph, my brain nags for me to do this, but I can't remember why. So:)

I am no psychologist. Here are my qualifications (why you should listen to me):

As my friends call it- "Disturbingly self-aware at all times."

Paranoid Schizophrenic with actual (unrelated) OCD, with years of experience dealing with it- more healthily in recent years.

Philosophy and deep thinking is simply my default. I use metaphors, but everything in this post is entirely literal, ...except the angry threat. (*begrudgingly accepts disappointment*)

I am a fiction writer. I don't know about healing people/first aid, but I know a LOT about how anatomy works, with many deep-dives on the psychology/evolution side.

People irl generally consider me a genius? Idk how to gauge that, IQ tests are irrelevant with this type of... smart?. I've been compared to both Da Vinci and Einstein. So, ...actually that's pretty fuckin' cool- (I AM NOT TRYING TO BRAG! I APOLOGIZE IF IT COMES OFF THAT WAY! I've never put it all down like this, and I'm just surprised and questioning my reputation.)

(Also, I love playing detective, so naturally I call myself Batman XD.)

Autistic; I experience the world, and every situation, from a view without any context.

ADHD: My brain automatically -As a guardian I hate describes- "Can watch three different movies at the same time, all in fast forward, and can keep up with all of them." ... Well, yes, but technically no. Idk if other ADHD people do this, but my brain "connects the dots" so quickly, I end up laughing at jokes I've never heard before the 'punchline', because I've already figured out what you're going to say next.

Now combine all that. I am kicking depression's ass and now I want to help you do the same.

I have only mentioned the relevant things. Please keep in mind that ALL of these have both advantages and disasters. Thank you for your patience and understanding. I am running on four hours of sleep. For the love of whatever, I hope this actually helps someone other than me.

Qualifications are noted because: This is all stuff (and stuff like this) that I am just always casually aware of.

TLDR2: Even if I wasn't trying to help people feel better, Apparently I was born with a nat 20 perception/insight check, so please don't argue that I truly understand what I'm talking about here.

#this is serious #serious #intrusive thoughts #adhd intrusive thoughts #especially adhd #psychology #psychological analogy #human instinct #evolutionary psychology #survival instinct #fighting depression #original content #adhd #it can be done #it can be fixed #mental health #mental illness #mental issues #actually mentally ill #mentally fucked #and still going #so i'll help where i can #and you can't stop me #hope #how to get better #get better #getting better #you're not alone #you're gonna be okay

[lego-ninjago]

Happy birthday Ninjago I love you soo much

#ninjago #13 years.............. #and STILL going

[thenickelportrust]

Welcome back to: It was supposed to be a short scene but I really enjoy the act of writing and refuse to be stopped.

This time featuring: I have more fun with scenes where things go worse than scenes where things go better.

With a special appearance by: my soft spot for writing couples communicating through their boundaries, likes, and dislikes because nothing makes me kick my feet like communicated consent.

#rambling #does this count as a progress update? #does this also count as “my favorite scenes always tend to be the ones that could otherwise be counted as a fail-state”? #mostly because in order to get it you have to pick the options where everything isnt sunshine and roses #this scene was supposed to be short but now its over 3k words #and still going

[nvrcmplt]

I'll go sleep early I said

As I read 140+ chapters of tbate

#━━ ｢ about me ｣ #and still going

[take-care-with-your-glasses]

It is normal or healthy, the amount of words I can write, seemingly out of nowhere?

Nanowrimo has been really fun for me this month.

#Nanowrimo #and still going

[yifftwiceplz]

healed by six hour straight gaming sesh

#and still going

[sugarcoated-lame]

Spent the entire day working on the second part of this single dad!Bradley miniseries I’m working on, but it’s finally almost done and I’m hoping to edit and post part 1 in the next couple of days :) <3

#I really just needed to write like two scenes and ended up adding an additional like 3000+ words lmao #and still going #oops #but it’s so cute and I love it and I can’t wait to get it posted hehe ! #kricket rambles #bradley rooster bradshaw #dad bradley

[kiss-this]

#im in tears ok #måneskin #they've come so far #and still going

[lollytea]

That episode got me crankin out 3000 words in a day

#and still going #maybe a fic tomorrow?? probably tomorrow but idk #starring the usual suspects of course

[sicahyart]

Bonds of Blood - Chapter 4

Fandom: Xenoblade Chronicles 2 Characters: Malos, Amalthus TW: references to chirurgy

Read on Ao3 - first - previous - next

—

Malos was woken up by a buzzing pain in his shoulder. Ugh, not again. He tried to roll over and relieve it. Only to find out he couldn't move an inch. 

A feeling of dread washed over him like a bucket of cold water, jolting him fully awake. His eyes opened to meet a painfully white ceiling, clearly not belonging to the Monoceros. Indol, he remembered, as his mind began to retrace what had happened.

That bastard Amalthus. He should have expected his old driver would try to retrieve him under his grasp. Never thought he could actually succeed, though.

Mythra... And here he thought she’d never fall for the Praetor’s tricks. He’d be curious to know how he managed to convince her to help him. There was that other Blade, too. The one Mikhail called Haze. He recognized her, from five hundred years ago. She used to have the same Driver as Jin. Before Amalthus got them both. And now he finally got Malos too. 

As the familiar sharp pain in his shoulder began to fade, he became aware of another, dull pain eating his whole body. It burnt. He could feel a power such as he hadn’t known since the Aegis war. But while the power he had back then was exhilarating, this new power made him sick. He could feel its filth coursing through his veins, seeping into his every cell. He had never felt more tainted.

Flesh-Eater.

He was an Aegis. He was created to destroy humans. Not to be fused with them. And yet, he could still remember the masked faces of those Indoline scums as they stood over him, tearing him open to implant human parts in him. Mostly blood. A lot of blood. That was now boiling in his ether veins, fighting against his Blade body and granting him unknown power.

A hoarse sound escaped his lips as he tried to gasp for fresh air to dull the burn. Without success.

A shadow fell over him. He tried to focus on the silhouette cutting against the white ceiling. Amalthus. The last person he wanted to see right now. He snarled at him, but the Indoline was unfazed.

“Now now, is that a way to greet your Driver?”

“You don't have any control over me.”

“Don’t I, now?”

A glint of self-satisfaction passed in the Praetor’s eyes as he reached to unlock the Ether Chains that were binding Malos, then took a step back. Wary, the Aegis tentatively moved an arm. Then a leg. He sat up. Amalthus did free him... He eyed his Driver. Cocky bastard. 

He was just a blur as he jumped at the man’s throat. That new power coursing through his body was disgusting, but real. The Indoline gasped for air as Malos’s hands tightened around his throat. He’d never really thought about killing him before. A Blade didn’t kill their Driver, even someone like Malos, even a Driver like Amalthus. Though the end of the world would probably have meant his end too. But after being defiled into a Flesh-Eater, having witnessed the endless suffering he inflicted on Jin, now that he had him in his hands...

Fear flashed in the Indoline’s eyes for a short second, before being replaced by the same smug confidence as before. What the..? 

Bright noise sparkled in Malos’s vision as he crumbled to the floor, his energy suddenly drained. He didn’t realize he’d hit the ground until his senses cleared again a moment later. What was that..? Lying on his side, he looked up, trying to analyze what had just happened. Amalthus... was still there, dominating him with his full height. 

“Fascinating how we never thought to apply the technology so commonly used to bind Titans on Blades before. Well, I must admit it would be a waste to risk damaging the Core Crystals for that. But on a Flesh-Eater... It can work wonders, don’t you think?” 

Malos closed his eyes. So that was it. He was to be his Driver’s tool. The Aegis was but a Blade. Powerful, yet still bound to a human. 

I’m sorry, Jin. I couldn’t fulfill your goal after all. I guess I should have known I’d break that promise. All I know is how to destroy things.

He didn’t move when he heard Amalthus leave the room, abandoning him on the floor. There was no point in trying to find a more comfortable place to lay. He just had to wait until he was needed to unleash his power again. And what destruction he would bring to this world! Such was his Fate, wasn’t it? Then he would embrace it fully.

#xenoblade fanfiction #xenoblade chronicles 2 #xbc2 #xc2 #flesh-eater malos #bonds of blood #sicawrites #the og one shot fic #which is now like #a dozen chapters long #and still going #apologies to those who came for my drawings I'm gonna annoy you with this a while longer #feel free to mute my fic tag

[snakesinsocks2005]

Pin for survivors

#snake hisses #Not putting this in my art tag #boop #scheduling this for midnight #edit: huh so its still going huh. oh well have it early

[anthonycrowley]

he’s the moment

#text #my post #mobi #gomens #mmm months later you guys are still annoying this is going into jail 💕 the gomens fandom is so fucking insufferable 💕

[aesthetic-uni]

It’s that time of the year again

#uni talks about the universe #ides of march #julius caesar #is this anything #I’m too lazy to make anything else so #have at the #this man has been dead for 2068 slutty slutty years and we are STILL tormenting him #anyway happy holidays to those who celebrate it #more like resting in pieces haha #okay I’ll go now

[crustaceousfaggot]

No nuance allowed. Put your nuance in the tags, I just want a yes or no answer

#1k #why the fuck did this blow up #this post sucks #i turned off notifs after like 300 notes cause it got sick of seeing tags #and now I look and there's fucking 12k???? #y'all could be reblogging my makeuo and cosplay posts that I spend hours on but no #Tumblr is as tumblr does #anyways #10k #what the fuck why's it still going #20k

[junglejim4322]

Me at the beginning of this year: I’m so gonna fix my life dude this is gonna be the year everything changes I’m not gonna let anything slip through the cracks it’s time to live

Me approaching the end of March:

#still gonna fix it apparently it’s just going to be more difficult than I thought okay. keep believing in me

[obsob]

i am a being capable of immeasurable love and whimsy

#and also. am a ilittlel kitty :3 #mine #cats #brain empy. felt tip cats ONLY #we were promised snow today n then they decided actually :) rain all day for u #i bought new wool for a cardigan today im SO excited its gna be so colourful #i was going to do some sort of Thing on the back like a heart or something but im still too scared to do colour changing stuff #maybe....maybe next time #i think i will try a patter w like. an actual grid with it first rather than just rawdog it #bc i . do not know what im doing :3