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taboo-delusion · 1 month

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So, I just discovered something interesting.

This is a bit of a long one, so bear with me. It's important. Seriously.

I just woke up a few hours ago. My meds are starting to kick in. I was having a very serious and genuine, deep conversation (in-head) and it was... beautiful. It wasn't happy, but it was beautiful. Not the point.

Point is:

I had not had a single fucking intrusive thought today until someone made a noise in the other room.

I am so fucking PISSED OFF

Why my brain refuses to realize that intrusive thoughts CAUSED the good feeling to go away, I have no fucking idea. I've known that for almost a year now, yet my stupid fucking subconscious refuses to change anything it's doing

Before I snap my fucking android phone in half and yeet somebody's face into neptune, I thought I'd share the discovery!!!!

Basically:

MY INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS DID NOT START UNTIL SOMETHING STARTLED ME OUT OF FOCUS

AS I TYPE THIS, I REALIZE THAT INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS -AT LEAST FOR ADHDERS- ARE A SURVIVAL TACTIC.

Elaborating:

When you fall asleep and your heart slows too much, your body does the falling thing to make sure you're still alive.

It's not that intrusive thoughts are *Just* because your brain gets too quiet, It's because your life has never been completely quite before, or -like me- the few times it is quiet, something interrupts. And even if it doesn't piss you off, even if you don't jump like I do, your brain still registers it as not safe.

--

Falling asleep, heart slows a lot-

Body: *Sends adrenaline just to make sure it still actually works.*

Drowning, even mostly unconscious-

Body and brain: *Hold onto that last half-breath even if it feels like you're head is going to explode.*

Going grocery shopping or talking to someone you think is cool-

Brain: *Remembers what it felt like the first time your guardian was indifferent or mean about something that made you happy or calm.*

Things around you actually get quiet-

Brain *Sends a thought you hate just to make sure you're prepared for a sudden problem.*

TDLR 1: Your brain isn't mean on purpose, It's just paranoid and still has a will to live.

Listen. I know I'm just some random dude from a weird blog. But I'm trying to translate, to assist. Maybe somebody else needs this realization as much as I do. I apologize for the yelling earlier. I'm still just as upset, but only at my dumbass subconscious. Now some time has passed, and I have regained self-control.

(I also apologize for the above paragraph, my brain nags for me to do this, but I can't remember why. So:)

I am no psychologist. Here are my qualifications (why you should listen to me):

As my friends call it- "Disturbingly self-aware at all times."

Paranoid Schizophrenic with actual (unrelated) OCD, with years of experience dealing with it- more healthily in recent years.

Philosophy and deep thinking is simply my default. I use metaphors, but everything in this post is entirely literal, ...except the angry threat. (*begrudgingly accepts disappointment*)

I am a fiction writer. I don't know about healing people/first aid, but I know a LOT about how anatomy works, with many deep-dives on the psychology/evolution side.

People irl generally consider me a genius? Idk how to gauge that, IQ tests are irrelevant with this type of... smart?. I've been compared to both Da Vinci and Einstein. So, ...actually that's pretty fuckin' cool- (I AM NOT TRYING TO BRAG! I APOLOGIZE IF IT COMES OFF THAT WAY! I've never put it all down like this, and I'm just surprised and questioning my reputation.)

(Also, I love playing detective, so naturally I call myself Batman XD.)

Autistic; I experience the world, and every situation, from a view without any context.

ADHD: My brain automatically -As a guardian I hate describes- "Can watch three different movies at the same time, all in fast forward, and can keep up with all of them." ... Well, yes, but technically no. Idk if other ADHD people do this, but my brain "connects the dots" so quickly, I end up laughing at jokes I've never heard before the 'punchline', because I've already figured out what you're going to say next.

Now combine all that. I am kicking depression's ass and now I want to help you do the same.

I have only mentioned the relevant things. Please keep in mind that ALL of these have both advantages and disasters. Thank you for your patience and understanding. I am running on four hours of sleep. For the love of whatever, I hope this actually helps someone other than me.

Qualifications are noted because: This is all stuff (and stuff like this) that I am just always casually aware of.

TLDR2: Even if I wasn't trying to help people feel better, Apparently I was born with a nat 20 perception/insight check, so please don't argue that I truly understand what I'm talking about here.

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heatherchasesyou · 2 years

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i like drawing a more humanized intruder sometimes...but i also LOVE that menacing energy from his latest versions

btw i mean this ver.

#the mandela catalogue #mandela catalogue #alternates #tmc #intruder #the intruder #gabriel #an intruder #mc intruder #six #analog horror #psychological horror #horror #digital fanart #fanart #artwork #fanart drawing #sketches #digital sketch

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harpoonsnotspoons · 18 days

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What if we made out in the Saw bathroom while we're both covered in each other's blood?

(No filters below)

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sludgeware · 7 months

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Message to anyone looking to make a "2000's edutainment" themed horror game

Do yourself a solid and do your research. Its so easy and genuinely fun to go back and play old crappy games. If you need somewhere to start looking, check out Myabandonware (an archive of retro computer games from 1978 to 2012, which are free to download and take up like zero space on your computer) or Flashpoint (another free to download mega archive of almost every game that was lost to time after flash died off.) I'll even link 'em to you. here.

It's not that hard to make something look authentic to this time. it's not that hard to do research so you know what your project should look like. Also it's just fun to play toys and games. Go play toys!!!!

#analog horror #internet horror #digital horror #arg #arg horror #horror games #indie horror #horror #psychological horror #i was chatting about this with a buddy of mine and like. im not naming names i promise #and anyone who's made Something is infinitely more powerful than myself who has not made anything. dont let me stop you #but its painfully obvious that a lot of the people making “early 2000's horror” games were not yet sentient at the time those games existed #puppibarks

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pjberribear · 2 months

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Welcome Home AU (found lost footage)

Audio was from Jack Stauber! <3

Textures!

I enjoyed making this video honestly, I like making these kind of things a lot. Talking about Welcome Home, I love the new update so far! I was going to make something about Eddie with the new update, stay tuned for that! I also need to update this AU now and then, hopefully soon I'll post the story line. Anyways, I wish you a good day today!

I'll see you all next time! <3

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fabysaturn · 3 months

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youtube

🌈💙 The OFFICIAL TEASER TRAILER for Happy Artists have been submitted! (Marking its release date!)

#happy artists #happy artists arg #happy artists puppets #indie project #indie project arg #indie horror #psychological horror #analog horror #arg #puppets #nostalgia horror #creepy cute #kidcore #Youtube

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wallacepolsom · 5 months

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Wallace Polsom, Life During Wartime: Reverse Psychology (29 Nov 2023), paper collage, 17.7 x 26 cm.

#wallace polsom #life during wartime #reverse psychology #paper collage #collage #collage art #art #artists on tumblr #analog collage #contemporary art #handmade collage #handcut collage #21st century #wallacepolsom2023 #surreal #surrealism #surreal art #fantasy art

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justyourautarch · 6 months

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Someone needs to give me a new horror series to analyze and hyperfixtate on and write paragraphs about for the next like week pls 🙏

#literally help I feel depleted #some psychological horror would be perfect #dhmis vibes #or something analog #just something for me to think about a lot #horror #dhmis #generation loss #harmony and horror #the walten files

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aroaceleovaldez · 7 months

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i need to know everything about your pjo voltron au

okay so basic plot premise: Thalia, Luke, Jason, Percy, Maria di Angelo, and Bianca all work at the Garrison and get sent on 3 separate missions (Thalia & Luke, Jason & ??? or maybe he's just by himself, then Percy & Maria & Bianca) which are all "lost" and they're declared dead by the Garrison.

Of course they were actually all abducted by aliens. Maria probably dies pretty early on in that whole situation. Thalia gets separated from Luke and ends up escaping and becoming a rebel. Luke, Jason, and Percy & Bianca all separately (except for Percy & Bianca) end up gladiators. Luke becomes The Champion and basically ends up a Kuron/Sendak-type character situation. Is he being mind-controlled? Unclear. He has a giant alien scythe-sword though. Bianca probably dies buying Percy time in the arena. At some point Percy and Jason find each other and decide to try and stick together.

Hazel is a human raised by her galra dad in space with the Blade of Marmora. She knows she has a half-brother through her dad out there somewhere but not anything else about him. She ends up running into Jason and Percy on a mission and helps them escape cause they're humans too.

Back on Earth, Piper, Leo, and Annabeth are all Garrison students. Or Annabeth is possibly in a Keith-type situation where she used to be a student but got Kinda Pissed Off about all her loved ones disappearing into space and ended up getting kicked out. Nico is in a Pidge-type situation where he snuck in as a student under a false name to figure out what happened to his family's mission. Percy and Jason crash on earth, the gang finds them, they find the Blue Lion, and Percy pilots it to the Altean castleship where they meet Reyna and Frank. Reyna is the Altean Princess, because her sister Hylla was queen. Frank is the son of a high-ranking general or something and he and Reyna are a duo.

Rest going under a cut cause this got long -

Lion adventures happen - Annabeth pilots the Green Lion, Jason pilots the Black Lion. Nico finds the Red Lion and meets Hazel when he does and brings her back to the castle. Hazel pilots the Yellow Lion. Nico very quickly realizes he's half-Galra and Hazel's brother and joins the Blade of Marmora. Percy swaps from Blue to the Red Lion. Piper starts piloting the Blue Lion. Leo, Frank, Reyna, and Nico end up the home-base support team. Percy probably keeps the blue paladin armor and Piper gets the spare pink armor for color association reasons and also cause that's usually the format for every iteration of Voltron anyways. It works out nicely. Everybody has extra lion compatibilities too/every Lion has a back-up basically cause I'm still mad vld canon dropped the lion lore/sentience plotlines and we never got cool dynamic lion swapping instead of just the usual single switch. We're having fun here.

Then everything else I don't have much for other than Annabeth and Nico basically swap Keith and Pidge roles once they join Voltron so Nico goes and has his galra identity crisis adventures and Annabeth reunites with Thalia at some point, who is basically in a Matt-type role. And Luke functions as the Sendak-level antagonist who Annabeth probably gets to fight with a swap back to Keith's role in a whole Keith & Kuron emotional situation. Kronos and Gaea are probably analogous to Zarkon and Haggar/Honerva here but not necessarily in that order, and obviously it's more of an either "Emperor and his advisor mom" or "Empress and her prince son" but in either one somebody's doing magic and people are probably getting possessed. Hades, Persephone, Iaepatus/Bob, and Damasen are all with the BoM. The Titans/Giants are probably all Empire generals. Who's Lotor? Octavian? Calypso? I don't know. Who are all the gods? I dunno. We'll workshop it.

#pjo #riordanverse #ask #dreamyzworldlove #vld pjo au #long post //#i think a normal about about the BoM and galra lore okay #i am a simple being. i like worldbuilding. show me funky fluffy purple aliens and i will be invested #i made a whole translation of their alphabet so i could write with it #as for the rest -#Annabeth & Luke with the "You're like a brother to me - I love you'' probably constitutes as psychological violence on a meta level #it maps hilariously well though in terms of both narrative function in the au canon #AND meta level comparisons of fandom reactions re: Luke's death / the Kuron fight and relevant quotes in both. the bloodshed...#anyways its too perfect though and im amused by the parallels of meta baggage there so it stays #i am also now rapidly rotating all lotor options in my brain #also Nico joing the BoM is essentially analogous to him running away in TTC #except he's not 10 here so he probably does it with a bit more grace #he probably finds out about his mom and sister. gets real sad. then meets Hazel #and finds out she's his sister and their dad is around and he goes ''...okay. im okay now.''

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nortsauce · 20 days

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A happy fun adventure awaits over the green hill! Praise Jesus!

VALLE VERDE IS SO GOOD!!!!

GO WATCH IT!!!!

#analog horror #valle verde #psychological horror #horror #horror art #horror series #religious trauma #religious horror #animal crossing #stardew valley #these were semi-referenced in tge game

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akimbo-collage · 11 days

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Moi??

#collage #abstract #collage art #surreal #collage artist #artwork #mixed media #analog collage #women #love #ego #psychology #reflection #identity #mirror #men

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jtl07 · 8 months

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What are your thoughts on the OCS?

Sometimes it seems like a manipulative cult that recruits vulnerable girls. But, it's also this found family for many of them. Is it good or evil? Is it both?

oh buddy. i ... actually have been having thoughts about this for the past few days (what is it with y'all being on my brainwave? must be something in the universe idk) as in, i've been contemplating the parallels between the OCS and the military.

so for context, i'm coming at this as a person who was in the military, who is a female poc from a middle class immigrant asian family. i give this context because i see a lot of the military in the OCS (i've mentioned it in some of my write ups and a big part of why i ended up writing the top gun 2 au) - mostly because the OCS is presented as an organization with a methodology that is built on violence.

i tried my best to be coherent but there's likely some meandering - feel free to ask further questions or clarification.

tl;dr - imo, it's all of the above.

i'm going to start with my experience in the military before i talk about the OCS because there's something in me that's chafing at the word "vulnerable." it's not that i think it's the wrong word per se, but that there's context that's needed.

for me, i had several family members who were in the military: my dad for one, several uncles, and a handful of my older cousins. this means i grew up learning that the military was a) one of the most honorable, respectable, and coolest professions you could join, b) the only profession where you were judged solely on your performance (i.e. racism wasn't overt), c) great financially because the pay was transparent and the benefits (back in the day) were fantastic if you stayed til retirement.

i don't believe any of that anymore, but that's what i'd learned. this is what my family believed (still does, actually). this is what many other poc believed too. compared with the opaque, racist corporate world - and having the responsibility of taking care of one's parents, who'd immigrated from their home country to give you "a better life" - having something stable and honorable like the military seemed like the best choice. why would i choose something else? how could i even see anything else? the military was the only choice i knew.

i left the military over a decade ago, but there's still a part of me that thinks "i'll never top my time in the military; i'll never have an experience quite like that." and the larger part of me can acknowledge now that yes, that's true. because when you're in an organization like the military (and comparatively, like the OCS) it's exhilarating in a way, knowing that you're part of something that's larger than yourself, knowing that you were deemed worthy - that you proved that you were worthy - of being part of this elite, special organization that has this grand, noble, world-saving mission. and yes, you feel a bond with the folks you serve with - bound by a vow to serve and protect, bound by experiences only they will understand.

there's nothing quite like that.

and i never want to experience that again.

because yes, it's exhilarating and exciting, and it's addicting in a way - to do all these cool things that folks make movies about, to know you're doing your part in keeping the people you love safe, to build relationships where no matter what, they've got your back.

but it's blinding. it blinds you to the violence, the harm that you're inflicting in the name of the mission - on both others and your own self. it blinds you to other ways of living. it blinds you to other ways of being safe - on both a personal and national level. this kind of experience trains you constantly: "this is the only way; this is the only choice."

and you can probably see why Beatrice's backstory resonated with me. of course she chose the church, the OCS - this was the only choice she had, the only choice she could possibly make to prove herself, to make herself worthy. in the OCS, she found a community of folks who, like her, were committed to a mission and ready to give their lives because, like her, that was probably the only choice they thought they had. it was the best choice they had.

maybe that's why i chafe at the use of "vulnerable" - because at the time, choosing the military felt like my shot at redemption, at salvation. it wasn't a moment of weakness, but of strength.

at least, that's what i had been trained to believe. and there is, apparently, still a part of me that believes it. even though there's the larger part of me that can see now the ecosystem that forced my hand.

it's also why i love Ava as a protagonist - how she was determined to find another way, how desperate she was to live. because organizations that are built on violence, organizations like the military, like the OCS, it takes folks who believe they need to prove themselves and takes advantage of that need, forces them to carry more than any person ever should, then calls them noble, calls them honorable, calls them worthy - all the while training them, ultimately, to die.

does good sometimes result from that, grow out of that? yeah. but the cost is very, very high.

#idk anon this got really rambly #i just can't not see the military when i think of the ocs #and when i think of the military it still tugs at me #there was this one quora post a while back that explained how marine bootcamp is basically psychological retraining #bc like no one's first response is to run towards gunfire #and it takes a certain belief in one's self to sign up for that kind of thing #but it's a belief that is taught through culture and through the system #a belief that you get caught up in like a web and you don't even know it when you're in it #... why did i choose this analogy i hate spiders wtf self #anyway #anon i hope this is what you were looking for #but if not feel free to ask further questions #other folks can ask too it's cool #jt answers #jt rambles #warrior nun

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ohfugecannada · 2 years

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