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daughterofdescartes · 5 months

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Restricted: by my ancestors, or by myself?

I really don't understand why I feel like I can't do anything I really want to do.

I often feel clouded by my own insecurites, and what other people will think, or how I compare to others. I get so paralyzed by my own doubts and insecurities that in the end, I never really got to do what I wanted. It's sad and I always feel jealous when I see people of color succeed artistically or creatively. Now I feel stuck with myself, because I never got to develop the creative talents that I wanted, but I'm also not super talented at whatever it is that I pursued (whatever major that in my eyes would be deemed as 'acceptable' to my parents). I've always made half-choices to half-appease my parents, but mostly because I was scared I would never achieve my dreams. That I would never be good enough. When will I be free and truly understand what I want to do in life?

At the beginning of my life, I really wanted to become an illustrator. I loved drawing, people told me I had a talent for it, so I kept doing it. I loved that I was good at it, and I loved the praise. My parents have always been so proud of my creative abilites, until they weren't. One day when I started to talk about my ambitions, all of a sudden, it was no longer good enough. They kept forcing disciplines onto me that I never wanted to master or never took any interest in to begin with. Accounting, computer sciences, skills that would give me "an easy life". Except for web design, maybe I'd like to learn that one day. They always want what's best for me. In the end I don't know anything about what's good for me. I feel so stuck.

Last year, I pursued a one year programme in graphic design and I had a lot of fun. But also a new insecurity started growing. I noticed I was never the best, even though I had hoped that would be the case. People around me had better insights, and seemed to be more talented and skilled with seemingly less effort. I thought shit. This is it. I'm never going to make it. My inferiority complex yet again making excuses, beating my self-esteem to a pulp. At first, I felt motivated to get a job in graphic design, until I realized most people are looking for experienced designers. At this point it feel like I'll never gain experience, because nobody wants to hire me. It's tough. So I kinda gave up.

I have other types of jobs I'm interested in. But the insecurity still gnaws at me. So I figure it must be my mindset that's keeping me stuck. If I never believe in myself, how will I ever prove to myself that I can do it? Prove to others that I'm capable? Idk how. I need to start building up my confidence. Show the world that I am good at what I do. That I have achievements. That I am creative, intelligent, good-humoured, a quick-thinker, and all those positive things. I am not just an insecure mess. I'm more than that. It's time for me start acknowleding what I can do, and stop emphasizing on my can'ts and don'ts and won'ts. What are my cans, do's, and will's?

What do I want? What can I do and offer to this world?

What I know for sure is that I want to help people in any way I can. If I can make one person smile, I'll feel satisfied. I want to help people feel that they matter, so that I can feel that I matter. I want to create things, thinkpieces that provoke thought and emotion. I want to create without feeling guilty about what I should or shouldn't do. I want to create simply because I can. I want to create without anything holding me back, not even my own doubts. So what if I'm not the best? So what if this isn't what my parents want? Why do I let all of this get to me? At the young age of 24? I should be doing whatever the heck I want, wtf.

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silver-renjun · 3 years

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Cafe 7 Dream: Jaemin

Word Count: 2, 443

Warnings: violence, mentions of death, stabbing

Read the prologue before reading this!

You headed into you 8 am class late as usual. After pulling out your notebook from your bag, you threw yourself down on the desk.

“Busy night, y/n?” Jaemin asked. You and Jaemin didn’t really talk that much at all. At the cafe, Jaemin was always in his own world, and in class he just stared at the board, though you doubted he actually remembered anything from the lectures. It was strange that Jaemin started a conversation with you, but it was also strange that you were resting on the desk. No matter how exhausted you were, you took notes, albeit sloppy.

“I had 3 essays to write. Two of which I didn’t even know existed until Haechan texted me for my work,” you replied.

“You should be more responsible, y/n. I need someone reliable to cheat off of,” Haechan said. You rolled your eyes at his reply and groaned. You didn’t have the energy to argue with him.

“You should just rest, y/n. I’ll take notes for you and we can review them after class today,” Jaemin said. He smiled at you, but you were fast asleep.

After class, Jaemin shaked your shoulder to wake you up.

“y/n! y/n! Everyone already left the class. It’s time to go,” Jaemin whispered in your ear.

“Where are the other guys?” you asked with a breathy voice.

“They’re at the cafe already. I’m sure they’ll be fine without us. Let’s go to the library.”

Jaemin helped you up your seat and packed your books in you bag. He even offered to carry it for you, but you declined. Jaemin held your hand as the two of you walked over to the library. He was still worried about how tired you were and didn’t want you to fall.

The library was filled with students trying to study. Jaemin led you to a secluded corner in the back.

You dropped your bag down and asked, “are you sure they’ll manage without us in the cafe?”

“You’re the one who should be drinking an americano, not the one making it.” Jaemin smiled at you and reached out for your hand. “Don’t worry about the cafe right now.”

Jaemin lectured the content of the class to you. He was a natural at explaining everything. Even when you had a question about the topic, Jaemin was able to answer them with ease. As you copied down your notes, you were surprised to find yourself understanding the content better when Jaemin was teaching you.

At the end of the session you said, “You take such good notes! And remember everything from class too! I’m impressed. We should totally do this more often.”

“Well I still have to work at the cafe to pay my tuition, but I’ll definitely help you out, y/n.”

“Yeah, working at the cafe is my destresser. I wouldn’t want to give that up,” you chuckled. “Maybe you could come over to my place after work and we can study then.”

The next day, you were late to class once again. You rushed over to your seat, but this time you didn’t pull out your books. You knew Jaemin had you covered, so you plopped your head down on the desk for some rest.

“y/n, I need you to start taking this class seriously,” Haechan said. “I need to pass, you know.”

You knew that replying to Haechan was just provoke him into arguing with you, so let his comment slide.

“You’re super late this time, y/n. I was almost certain that Renjun’s vision about your death had finally happened,” Jisung said.

Jisung’s remark was just too strange to ignore. Your head shot up and you gave Jisung a raised eyebrow.

“What the hell does that mean?”

A look of realization took over Jisung’s face before he looked down at the floor. “Sorry about that guys,” he whispered.

The other boys all exchanged uncomfortable glances as if they were trying to figure out who would explain what had been said about you. Finally, Jaemin broke the silence.

“We can talk at the cafe.” The boys had slightly less uncomfortable looks on their faces, but they still appeared to be worried about something. You decided to not stress over it. Your priority was catching up on your sleep.

After class, you and the dreamies headed out to the cafe and started preparing before customers arrived.

You were wiping down tables when you asked, “so is anyone going to explain to me what happened this morning?” You knew you were going to be working with Jaemin, and that boy was like a rock when got to work. This was your only opportunity to get answers.

“Look, you’re not going to believe us at all,” Mark started.

“We’ve got magic powers,” Haechan said.

“You see y/n, Jisung’s a wizard. He makes love potions so people will fall in love with our cafe,” Jaemin explained. While he was talking, Jisung pulled out a pink liquid from under the counter and waved it at you. You had no energy to question them so you just let Jaemin continue.

“And Jeno, he’s a water spirit. Do a little trick for us Jeno,” Jaemin said. Jeno formed a ball of water in his hand and shifted it into different shapes.

“What the-” was all you could muster up. “That water just came out of thin air! And you’re controlling it!”

“Like I was saying, y/n, it’s all magic.” Jaemin smiled at the look of wonder on your face. “Next up we have Renjun. Care to explain yourself Renjun?”

Renjun groaned before saying, “I’m an oracle. I see the future. And your future has an attack in it. I didn’t see you die like Jisung said, but since you’re a human, you’re probably going to-”

“Alright that’s enough,” Jaemin said, cutting Renjun off before he could tell you more about your fate. You were so amazed by Jeno’s abilites that you weren’t even fazed by what Renjun had said.

“What about you Jaemin?” you said with a smile.

“I’m human and so is Mark. We know our way around magic pretty well though,” Jaemin said with a self-satisfied grin.

“And Chenle and Haechan?” you asked, eager to learn more.

“None of your business,” Chenle replied harshly. Chenle’s tone snapped you out of your amazement and made you serious about your work again. Jaemin, like usual, didn’t talk much during his shift, so you would have to wait until the cafe was closed to get more answers.

“Hey Jaemin,” you said as you were heading out the cafe. “Does tonight work for you?”

The boys all looked at each other with wide eyes. They had no idea about your study plans with Jaemin.

“Any night works for me,” Jaemin replied as he followed you out the cafe. You could hear the giggles of the boys even when you were standing outside. Jaemin looked at you with an embarrassed smile before holding your hand and following you home.

At your apartment, Jaemin got to lecturing you once again. He made sure you understood every topic covered in class in full detail. You were still amazed by how good of a teacher Jaemin turned out to be.

After he finished talked Jaemin said, “well that’s everything we learned today. Got any questions, y/n?”

“About the coursework, no. About magic, yes.”

“Magic happens to be my strong suit, so ask away,” he replied with a smile.

“Well Chenle and Haechan didn’t really explain their powers. Do you know what they are?”

“Nope,” Jaemin said, shaking his head. “Chenle’s family is pretty influential in the magic world, so revealing their powers is kind of a security risk for them. Whatever Chenle does, I bet he’s pretty strong at it though.” Jaemin paused for a second. “As for Haechan, he hasn’t really gotten his powers yet. He’s kind of touchy about it since most people get their powers by this age.”

You nodded your head in agreement, though you had no idea how it all worked.

“So what about you Jaemin?” you said in playful tone as you poked his shoulder.

“What about me?” Jaemin replied, mimicking your voice and poking you back.

“What’s your relation with magic?” you said with a smile.

Jaemin’s face became serious. He took a minute to think before replying to you.

“It’s a family thing,” was all he said. You decided to not press him any further about magic.

“You know, Jaemin, it’s really not that late. If you’re down, you could stay and watch some Netflix. I’ve got some leftover pizza in the fridge too.”

“That’s a great idea! I know so many good dramas that are on Netflix!”

You microwaved a few slices of pizza while Jaemin picked out a show to watch on Netflix. It turned out, alongside having a coffee obsession, Jaemin was also obsessed with period dramas. He talked nonstop about the characters and kept on playing episode after episode. It wasn’t until you two had finished the first season at 1 am did Jaemin say, “it might be getting a little late now.”

He looked over to you for a response, but you had already passed out on the sofa. Jaemin stared at your sleeping figure and admired your beauty.

“Since you’re sleeping I might as well tell you this now. I don’t know if I’ll ever have the confidence to tell you this when you’re awake. I really like you, y/n. I think you’re the most amazing person in the world. I’d give anything to be with you.”

Jaemin sighed and went to sleep on your floor. Unknown to him, you had actually been listening the entire time.

It became a habit for you and Jaemin to study at your place after work. Jaemin would lecture you for a while, and then you would order delivery food to thank him for helping you. After watching Netflix, Jaemin would sometimes even sleep over at your place.

One night, you and Jaemin were cuddling on the sofa while watching a drama. Jaemin looked over a you and said, “There’s some things I should tell you, y/n.”

You smiled, expecting Jaemin to confess to you. What you heard was not a confession of love.

“You wanted to know about my connection with magic, so here it is. My mom used to sell plants, mushrooms, stuff you would use in potions. I would go foraging with her in the forest so we could find things to sell. Our customers were kind to us, they would even give us part of the potions they made. One day, this fire demon came into the store and gave my mother a potion to drink. She collapsed on the floor. The fire demon killed her and used her blood for a sacrifice.”

Jaemin began to cry as he thought about what had happened to his mother. You pulled him into a tight hug and rubbed his head. You felt sorry for Jaemin, who had to live his life in so much pain.

After a few more study sessions, Jaemin finally pulled himself together and asked you out.

“I really like you, y/n. I think you’re the most amazing person in the world. I’d give anything to be with you.”

“That’s the same thing you said when I was sleeping. You’re so cute,” you said, kissing him on the forehead.

Jaemin stared at you with wide eyes and said, “wait you heard that? You knew I liked you and you didn’t even say anything?”

You laughed at Jaemin before turning on his favorite show and cuddling with him.

The next day at the cafe, you were supposed to be working with Jisung, but he had gotten sick. You and Haechan were taking over for him.

“Hey y/n, you’ve never seen the potions room before, right?” Haechan said. You nodded in reply. “It’s crazy in there. You totally have to check it out.”

You followed Haechan into the back of the cafe where all the potions were. You were amazed at the amount of potions there was in the back room. Haechan grabbed a vial off a rack and handed it to you.

“You should try this one y/n! It’ll make you feel so energized!” Haechan said.

You opened the vial and drunk all of the strange liquid inside. Unlike what Haechan had said, you began to feel sleepy and collapsed on the floor. When you looked at Haechan for help, you noticed that he had a knife in his hand.

“Be good for me and don’t make any noise, okay?” Haechan said before slashing your skin with the knife. You couldn’t help but cry with all the pain you were feeling. You slowly became more tired until you passed out.

When you woke up, you found yourself in a hospital bed. Jaemin was standing beside you and held onto your hand.

“Oh my gosh! y/n, baby, you’re alive!” Jaemin said before tearing up.

“What happened?” you asked.

“Haechan poisoned you. He cut you for your blood. He used it for a ritual to summon his powers. He had already transformed before we could even help you. Haechan’s a fire demon.”

You wanted to say something, but you had no idea what to do. The whole situation was just like what had happened to his mother. You and Jaemin were both thinking the same thing, but neither of you wanted to say it.

A few days later, you were discharged from the hospital. Although you felt fine after your rest, Jaemin was the one who was truly hurting. Jaemin stopped going to class and the cafe because of Haechan. He just stayed at your apartment.

“Jaemin, you need to forgive him. I’m not hurt. I’m completely fine!” you argued.

“I can’t forgive him! That bastard nearly killed you!” Jaemin yelled at you.

“Whether you like it or not, you’ve got to start living like a normal person again! You can’t just run away from your problems!”

Jaemin began to laugh.

“You’re right, y/n. I’m going to make that scumbag pay for what he did.”

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afreakingdork · 4 years

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Review: Tangled: Before Ever After and Rapunzel's Tangled Adventure

I should have realized that Tangled: Before Ever After was going to precede something. The movie ends with Rapunzel's father knowingly "locking" Rapunzel up once again and telling her she will not be allowed out of her tower. It ends with her singing about how she will someday be free.... and almost immeidately as Rapunzel's Tangled Adventure begins, we see this rule is not enforced in its entirety and instead is set to be anywhere in the kingdom of Corona and they never really touch back on this point set by the movie that is MEANT to set up the show.

As the first season progresses, I was excited to see more about the black rocks. The part of season 1 that jumps out the most to me is Varian's turn. Sure, he blames himself for his dad's encasement in amber and it's logical to lash out those feelings of self hatred, but for him to point blank turn completely evil because Rapunzel has 'betrayed' him is just too much. Rapunzel even tells him that the storm is about to destory all of Corona (which includes his hometown and where his dad is encassed in amber mind you). She even tells him that she will help him as soon as she is done, but I guess I am supposed to believe he is too far gone to hear these words? No? Yeah, no, because he responds by saying that by then it will be too late. The question as to why this is so dumb is revisted later.

So season 2 sets us out on the road, Rapunzel will finally be free to explore the world like she wanted. There is a ton of fun to be had in these episodes; adventures aplenty. We slowly uncover the mystery of the black rocks' origins and the Moon Stone. I like the concept of an opposing force against the sun drop. My favorite arcs are the Captain Quaid arc right at the beginning of the season and the Tirapai Island arc. The outfits in the Tirapai Island arc are especially choice. In fact, kudos to season 2 for having all these really dope outfit changes in general. They are all beautiful. Also kudos to the Tirapai Island arc for giving Hook Foot his own episode before they just wrote him off the show. Also, also Vigor being Lord Demanitus was an awesome (albeit stupidly hilarious) twist that I did not see coming.

As we get closer to the Dark Kingdom things really start to fall apart. "Rapunzel: Day One" creates a rift in Rapunzel and Cass's relationship that seems so out of character for Cass. She's mad that Rapunzel won't heed her warnings about Adira, but Rapunzel has always gone around Cass to find the good in people. It's been happening since season 1 and it seemed really strange for it to only be a problem now. I guess since the whole world is getting more dangerous, but it really leads into "Rapunzel and the Great Tree" where Cass sings "Waiting in the Wings." She's harboring this loneliness that I guess I can see, but also more on that later.

Finally reaching the Dark Kingdom, King Edmund being Eugene's true father is someting I saw from miles away. It's too obvious a set-up and really a bit uncessary, but yay Eugene backstory I guess? That is until Eugene is immediately convinced by the father he rightfully rejects to keep Rapunzel from her destiny because it's his destiny to stop her? It makes absolutely no sense for Eugene who has turned around his entire life solely on his belief in Rapunzel's abilites, but I guess we need even more conflict at the castle.

Moving into season 3, there are just so many implications and dropped storylines. Starting with Cassandra's turn; how was she Mother Gothel's biological daughter? Mother Gothel is shown to be quite old, so I kinda doubt she could sow an heir. Also what does it really matter? On Tirapai Island, Cassandra was shown her truest desire was just to be accepted by her father. I'm glad the head guard is just dead to her after being her beloved father just because he lied about her being the heir of an evil witch? That's usually not something you'd be too happy about and defintely not something you would hold against your best friend for being 'the one your mother preferred.'

When we get back to Corona, the king and queen's memories have been erased and Varian is still being all evil, but only until things get too real and he might hurt actual people. The rest of Varian's redemption arc and him struggling with other people's perception of him was quite good though, I have to say. Picking up on the 'visit later' point I mentioned about Varian earlier, there was no rush because I guess Quirin was in stasis while frozen in the amber. I will say, there was no way Varian could have known this, but it really shoots the whole rush to save my father or you aren't really my friend thing in the foot.

Episode 2 of season 3 just starts with Rapunzel in a new (ugly) dress and is just Queen. There is not even a throw away line of dialog to explain that Frederic and Arianna still have not regained their memories. In fact Frederic and Arianna just don't show up for 6 more episodes until this problem needs to be addressed! The whole issue is a mess, "Rapunzel's Return" shows Rapunzel recognizes the memory erasing wand from "Rapunzel: Day One," and yet even though in "Rapunzel: Day One" there is a very easy to make cure that Cassandra aboslutely explains to Rapunzel, they never try to even create this cure and instead rely on love to hopefully coax back Frederic and Arianna's memories.

"Who's Afraid of the Big, Bad Wolf?" ends with Red wanting to be called by her real name which is Catalina. Now, I don't know if this is a production erorr, but in the very NEXT episode "The Lost Treasure of Herz Der Sonne," they go right back to calling Red Red, but then a few episodes later in "Day of the Animals" they are appropriately calling her by Catalina.

Rolling back one episode from that, let's return to the 'visit that later' I mentioned for Cassandra, we have "Beginnings" that creates a huge plot hole for "Waiting in the Wings" as we see Cassandra has absolutely had the chance to go out and do what she has always wanted to do, but decided not to for the sake of friendship? I get that the story is supposed to be touching and Rapunzel is looking for a friend, but she makes friends wherever she goes and Cass is full well shown to understand that. So it doesn't really help the whole betrayal storyline to know that she gave up her dreams to stay with Rapunzel when she was never actually ordered to do that in the first place. She made that choice consciously. She finally starts to see the light in "Once a Handmaiden..." and I was really excited for the change and how Cass and Rapunzel would work together to sort this out, but one little change and boom Cass still believes Zhan Tiri even though she knows they're evil and manipulative. Cass has shown throughout the series that she is FAR smarter than this. She always trusts herself above all else. Overall, for it's flaws I'm not sad I watched it. The end tied up nicely and I feel satisfied.

#me #review #cartoon review #Tangled: Before Ever After #Rapunzel's Tangled Adventure #tangled #cartoons

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blackandwhitemusician · 6 years

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On “Crime and Punishment”, Fyodor Dostoyevsky, and Bungou Stray Dogs

ft. Nikolai Gogol. LONG POST! Also spoilers for the novel/manga if you haven’t read it already/haven’t caught up yet.

Here are some thoughts I have on certain parallels between Crime and Punishment and Fyodor Dostoyevsky in real life and as portrayed in BSD, also some speculations as to how this book and the real Dostoyevsky might have inspired his BSD version.

First, on the real book itself (more like the English translation of the book):

The main character in Crime and Punishment, Raskolnikov, killed an old woman he deemed as wicked and worthless. He was so shaken by the idea of murder that he spent an entire month tormenting himself over it, lost his gut during the actual murder, and proceeded to make himself fall ill from the mental torture. He thought he did it for money, but the more he looked into the event and into himself, the more he realized he just did it to prove that he could (my own interpretation).

“There is only one thing, one thing needful: one has only to dare! Then for the first time in my life an idea took shape in my mind which no one had ever thought of before me, no one! I saw clear as daylight how strange it is that not a single person living in this mad world has had the daring to go straight for it all and send it flying to the devil! I… I wanted to have the daring… and I killed her.”

Raskolnikov also wrote an article on the psychology and mental state of a criminal, and what leads someone to commit a crime. Raskolnikov and another character, Porfiry, used these concepts to discuss a technique used by Porfiry to trap criminals into confessing, which the two of them referred to as a “cat and mouse” game.

Raskolnikov classified people into “ordinary” and “extraordinary”. According to him, the former follow and obey the law, while the latter transgress it. The former’s role is to follow and maintain the order, while the latter seeks to destroy the status quo and establish a new order. It follows that when a person of “extraordinary” conduct deems it necessary to commit a crime to achieve their objective, they can find the will to do it.

“The crimes of these men are of course relative and varied; for the most part they seek in very varied ways the destruction of the present for the sake of the better. But if such a one is forced for the sake of his idea to step over a corpse or wade through blood, he can, I maintain, find himself, in his conscience, a sanction for wading through blood.”

This does not mean, however, that people of “extraordinary” nature are exempt from feeling guilt. In fact, Raskolnikov recognized that if these individuals do in fact feel guilt from shedding blood, it would be their greatest punishment. The worst punishment for a criminal is not so much the prison as it is by way of their own conscience.

Yet, sometimes such a punishment is essential to make way for change. Raskolnikov compared these “extraordinary” individuals to the likes of Napoleon, who by social standards should be considered the worst criminals ever lived considering the amount of blood they shed, yet are revered as heroes for the change they ushered.

I immediately thought of this:

BSD Gogol’s character fits perfectly in the scheme of Crime and Punishment. The real Dostoyevsky also mentioned Gogol several times in Crime and Punishment, when discussing the topic of morality.

Whatever the objective of the BSD “Decay of Angels” is, I’m fairly certain it has to do with change - they are willing to commit evil to destroy the status quo and advance change. These “villains” are certainly not the usual kind of “evil cause I like it”, or “evil cause I am proudly anti-heroic figures”.

Going back to Crime and Punishment, there are a few other characters that I think are of relevance to the portrayal of BSD Fyodor Dostoyevsky:

Porfiry: an investigator, who was convinced Raskolnikov was the murderer in question, and went to almost extreme lengths to psycho him into confessing. He had a pretty sharp mind, and used the sadistic investigative method of trapping his “prey” by letting him roam freely in his natural habitat, which Porfiry believe would make the criminal lower his guard and eventually fall into the trap himself. Raskolnikov realized the trap, of course.

Svidrigailov: an extreme representation of a type of “extraordinary” man, he was portrayed as, to me, a nihilist and hedonist. Svidrigailov doesn’t seem to care about morality, and only wants to satisfy his own pleasures. Whether he harms others in the process is irrelevant to him. He can commit random acts of kindness because the spontaneity of that action gives him pleasure.

While I don’t see these characters as similar to Raskolnikov, they certainly brings out his character in various ways. Raskolnikov understood Porfiry’s investigative methods perfectly (I bet he basically thought “If it was me, that’s what I’d do”). Porfiry also recognized and acknowledged Raskolnikov’s intellectual depth and potential, and was interested in him intellectually. Svidrigailov, on the other hand, mirrors Raskolnikov’s own despair and cynicism, if only more pronounced in the extreme. One can say Svidrigailov is the embodiment of despair. He is totally amoral, and radically indifference to the feelings of others. His radical attitude could have been brought about by his realization and acceptance that evil is inherent in the world, and as such, evil and vice to him is only an “occupation of a sort”. His bleak outlook only serves to worsen his boredom with the world, and prompts him to seek pleasure for its own sake. He views eternity as “a bath house... black and grimy and spiders in every corner”, to which Raskolnikov responds in horror “Can it be you can imagine nothing juster and more comforting than that?”

Next, on the BSD portrayal of Fyodor:

Now there has been very little detail about his personal motivations, but I see BSD Fyodor as a combination of all three characters: Raskolnikov, Svidrigailov, and Porfiry, maybe more of Svidrigailov than the rest. BSD Fyodor is definitely among the “extraordinary” people Raskolnikov described, maybe even to the extreme. Of course, there is also the personality of the real Dostoyevsky.

Regarding killing people and messing up their families as a petty problem while looking for a happy chit chat about it with one of those he just messed up, that is as Svidrigailov as it gets. (I know Fyo was probably joking, but still)

It has been suggested time and time again that BSD Fyodor might have tired of, been disillusioned or discontent with the world as it is, and sought to correct it (while also having some entertainment along the way). He specifically has issues with special ability users, which still doesn’t stop him from killing normal people if they get entangled in the conflict. This motivation possibly stems from his hatred for his own ability, which seemed as destructive as it gets. Alternatively, BSD Fyodor might also see death as the ultimate freedom special ability users can be granted to be free from their “sins”, which refer to their abilities. As such, he took it upon himself to deliver them.

The constant mention of “freedom” of the will also strike me as a parallel to real Dostoyevsky’s discussion of freedom in Crime and Punishment.

“Anyone who is greatly daring is right in their eyes.”

“He who despises most things will be a lawgiver among them and he who dares most of all will be most in the right.”

In other words, if you act of your own free will, you are right. Anyone who wills it can transgress the law.

What really intrigued me is how BSD Fyodor saw himself as a divine figure delivering judgement for those he considers “sinners”. I doubt such a strong motivation came about just because he discovered his super human ability one day, which has been suggested as something to do with instant killing. I see a possibility of him having been alienated, ostracized and possibly imprisoned as a result of his ability and his intelligence, seeing how completely unfazed he was by the treatment he received in his prison cell at the Mafia base. His ability would have been dangerous on its own, but his intelligence makes him an even more dangerous individual. Another characteristic of him that interests me is the complete lack of guilt or remorse over his actions. If we assume this is a reference to Svidrigailov, it might have been a result of his mindset that evil is inherent in the world (which fits BSD Fyodor). If I have to guess, he would have been a child who never played with other kids, had no lessons in social etiquette and no guardian figure to teach him about the outside world, heavily religious, either avoided, feared or beaten up regularly, probably had no concept of remorse, probably had to fend for himself and used his intelligence to get the upper hand by gambling, manipulating or tricking others.

BSD Fyodor was probably regarded as a “demon” for as long as he lived. He probably also felt the suffocating imprisonment extended from his home life to the rest of society. He probably got tired and bored of interacting with others who just went on their normal lives complaining about their misfortunes, oblivious to everything else that happened around them. He probably never once saw himself as one of them.

It was also suggested in Crime and Punishment that through suffering and torturing himself with his conscience, Raskolnikov was able to still feel human (my own interpretation). Could it be that BSD Fyodor was past that stage of being human, since he doesn’t seem to be suffering from the weight of his crimes? Could that be the reason why he sees himself as the substitute for God?

Regarding BSD Fyodor’s ability

Not much has been mentioned in the manga, and even in Dead Apple all we got is something along the lines of “Fyodor and his ability are two sides of the same coin”. What strikes me is how Fyodor is portrayed to represent Crime, and his ability Punishment. This is all speculation, but I think his ability definitely has to do with delivering punishment for a crime (no shit!). But whose crime, and on what condition? Could it be that his ability only takes effect if the criminal repents and experiences remorse from their own crime?

Regarding BSD Dazai

Probably the most hotly discussed parallel in the fandom. Sure, Dazai and Fyodor have been described as being made of the same stuff from the start due to their intellect which is unparalleled by anyone else but these two, but they didn’t really strike me as similar until I encountered this line from Crime and Punishment.

“Pain and suffering are always inevitable for a large intelligence and a deep heart. The really great men must, I think, have great sadness on earth.”

At first glance, this quote describes both Dazai and Fyodor very well. I have no question about Dazai having a “large intelligence and a deep heart”, and so he will continue to have “great sadness” in the form of alienation and loneliness (and self-hatred and guilt to an extent). Fyodor may have an equally great intelligence, but it is still unclear to me what lies in his heart. I think, he at least would have felt loneliness and the boredom of existence at some point, just like Dazai did. Their sharpness would have enabled them to sniff out the most obscure clues to the darkest intentions in people, which might have led them to regard human beings as foolish and utterly selfish creatures. The dangerous and unique nature of their abilities would have rendered them untouchable by others, further worsening their alienation.

“If God does not exist, then I will become God.”

What kind of experience would prompt someone to deliver such a line as that?

It sounds less like a divine sentence than a cry of disillusionment and cynicism to me, which is really... sad??

Other trivial stuff:

- The real Gogol was apparently a drama queen and a master of satire.

- The real Dostoyevsky was exiled in Siberia for reading banned works. He subsequently wrote “Notes from the House of the Dead” to describe this experience.

- The real Dostoyevsky frequently discussed the idea that man does not think rationally most of the time, and as such, man’s actions are not always predictable.

- In Crime and Punishment, Raskolnikov passionately loved Sonya, a destitute young woman whom he saw as his figure of salvation, and he once bowed to her because she represented “the sufferings of all humanity”.

- Svidrigailov was hinted to see the world as a dirty, meaningless playground in which he was the actor, and kept up his act until the end. When he decided to shoot himself after being rejected by the one woman he loved, he chose to do it in front of a complete stranger at the American embassy. His last words were “When you are asked, you just say he was going, he said, to America.”

Credits for screenshots go to @dazaiscans.

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mamaluigi2018-commsopen · 6 years

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Mama Luigi’s Top 10 Favorite Games of All Time.

Hey, everyone! Mama Luigi here. Just wanted to create this list to show appreciation to the games that have given me the most joys in my life and so you can all have an idea what kind of games I love. I will be going into small detail on each game, give a description on why I love these games. and also add my favorite track from each game. Alright. Let’s begin!

10. Mega Man 10 (heh....funny)

This was the most recent Mega Man game we got until Mega Man 11 arrived. This was released in 2010 for the PS3, Xbox 360, and WiiWare, and now available in Mega Man Legacy Collection 2 for PS4, Xbox One, PC, and Nintendo Switch. The story is that a virus called “Roboenza” has appeared and have caused robots to go out of control. It’s up to Mega Man and for the first time joining his side, Proto Man, to stop the menace and uncover the cause of the virus. Many would think that at the 10th game, the gameplay of Mega Man would get stale. Not so! The platforming is still tight and a fair challenge, the robot masters are some of my personal favorites of the series with Blade Man, Nitro Man, Strike Man, and my baby boi Sheep Man. The music is fantastic with tracks such as Stage Select, Solar Man stage, and Wily Stage 1. The weapons may not have been as useful as Mega Man 9, but the good ones are really good like Blade Man weapon and Nitro Man weapon. Plus the added DLC with playable Bass and 3 stages based on the Mega Man Game Boy games are a great bonus!

Favorite Track: Nitro Man

9. Castlevania: Symphony of the Night

Released in 1997 for the Playstation and rereleased on the PSN store and PSP as part of the Castlevania Dracula X Chronicles. After the disappearance of Richter Belmont, Alucard is tasked with invading his father’s palace and put an end to his reign of terror. Symphany of the Night broke the mold of the Castlevania traditional platform gameplay with a non-linear explorative action adventure similar to the Metroid series, which coined the term Metroidvania. Later games would adopt the Symphony of the Night gameplay such as Aria of Sorrow and Order of Ecclesia. What I love about this game is just the amount of free roam the game allows for you to do and what kind of items you can find. If you are having trouble with a part of the game, there is a variety of solutions such as a certain spell or a certain weapon combinations that can help you out. The graphics are a clean, smooth sprite style and the music is some fantastic CD quality music. The love I have for this game makes me even more excited for Bloodstained: Ritual of the Night to come out in 2019.

Favorite Track: Dracula’s Castle

8. Kirby: Planet Robobot

Released for the Nintendo 3DS in 2016. Planet Popstar has been converted in a mechanized world due to President Haltmann and his goons. Able to snatch one of the bots, Kirby embarks on a robotic adventure to free his planet from the machine menace. I love Kirby. I love Robots. Put them together and you get a absolute fantastic adventure with great Copy Abilities old such as Sword, Fire, and Hammer, as well as new such as Doctor, Poison, and ESP. The levels are well design to emphasized the robot theme and the soundtrack was given a more techno feel. The best parts are definitely the Robobot segments! It can not only smash enemies along the way, buy also copy it’s own set of abilites!

Favorite Track: Super Nova (vs. Star Dream Soul OS) or “P.R.O.G.R.A.M”

7. Super Smash Bros. for Nintendo 3DS

Released for the Nintendo 3DS in 2014, Smash 3DS was a companion game for Super Smash Bros. for Wii U. Nintendo’s greatest are pitted against each other in battle to see who will come out in top. Due to not owning a Wii U, I was a bit skeptic about getting the 3DS version, thinking it was only a dumb down version. I can now say it was not the case! Smash 3DS is just about as a real Smash game as the Wii U version. Having a cast of 65 characters, there a character for almost anyone. The addition of Omega Stages allowed for any stage to be play for competitive match. The choice between For Glory and For Fun was a fantastic idea that allowed any kind of player to have fun. Smash Run was a fun game mode to run in a maze collecting power ups to face your opponents. The music was god like with themes coming from a variety of games and remixes included. So many hours playing with my friends, I know I will always cherish this game and am looking forward to Smash Ultimate this December. BTW, my mains are Pikachu, Luigi, and Lucina.

Favorite Track: Tie between “Gerudo Valley (Legend of Zelda)” or “Main Theme”

6. Shovel Knight

Released in 2014 for the PC and Wii U, with later releases on 3DS, PS3, PS4, Xbox One, PS Vita, and Nintendo Switch. Shovel Knight stars our titular character on quest to stop the evil Enchantress and her Order of No Quarter with his trusty shovel. Steel thy Shovel! Shovel Knight is an indie created by Yacht Club as their first game, and man do they give it their all! Shovel Knight is styled after the NES days not only in art style and music, but in difficulty as well. With exciting stages with their own gimmicks and precise platforming, Shovel Knight is definitely for those who want to relive the NES days. The music is amazing, the characters have so much personality, and the 3 DLC are basically full games put in. Plauge of Shadows is a fun mode with combining different potions. Spector of Torment is my favorite mode with wall climbing, slicing enemies, and Scythe Skating (yes I said Scythe Skating). King of Cards is not out yet, but is showing promise to be just as fun as the 3 other campaigns.

Favorite Track: La Danse Macabre (Spector Knight Stage)

5. Sonic Colors

Released in 2010 for the Nintendo Wii and Nintendo DS. Sonic the Hedgehog and Miles “Tails” Prower must stop Dr. Eggman from capturing planets for his Interstellar Amusement Park and free the captive Wisps. Sonic Colors takes the game play the day time levels from Sonic Unleashed and puts him in a high speed adventure with amazing level designs such as Tropical Resort and Starlight Carnival. The Wisp power up allow Sonic to absorb the Wisp and take a variety of forms such as the Cyan Laser or Yellow Drill. What I really enjoy is how the White Wisp the only thing that gave you the Boost so you had to plan out when is the best place to use it. The best feeling I get from this game is sense of speed I get.

Favorite Track: Planet Wisp Act 1

4. Hyrule Warriors: Definite Edition

Released in 2014 for the Wii U, released for 3DS in 2015, and finally for the Nintendo Switch. The Dark Sorceress Cia has called the greatest villains from across the Zelda timelines. Now Zelda, Link, the White Sorceress Lana, Self-Proclaimed Hero Linkle( and best girl), plus heroes from the entire series must stop her and save Hyrule. An absolute fantastic hack n slash adventure where you get use your favorite Zelda Characters and just wreck everything in your path. With a fantastic soundtrack of original tracks and remixes of past Zelda themes. An expansive Adventure Map where you can collect heart pieces and unlock new weapons, collecting material to expand your characters strength. You can spend so many hours on this game and just have a good time.

Favorite Track: Linkle’s Theme

3. Metroid Fusion

Released in 2002 for the Nintendo Game Boy Advance. After an expedition to SR-388, Samus is infected with X-Parasite. After being given a vaccine containing Metroid DNA, Samus is tasked with investigating the BSL Station. This game. This god damn game was my first horror game. It terrified my 8 year old self. The tense atmosphere, the feeling of isolation, the horrible monstrosities all being after you was made perfectly. And we can not forget about the the nightmare fuel that is the SA-X. That thing was horrifying! The gameplay is fantastic with just shooting down monster after monster and fighting to survive.

Favorite Track: Vs. Nightmare

2. Super Mario World

Released in 1991 as a launch title for the SNES. Mario travels to Dinosaur Land to save Peach(again) from Bowser(again). Super Mario World was my first console game and I share many fond memories of it. The graphics are great with a nice color palette, the levels are fun and varied in design, the Super Cape is an amazing power up, allowing you to skip levels with the right timing. It also introduces one of our favorite dinosaurs, Yoshi. The music is catchy and is remixed into almost every track in the game. This game is truly a masterpiece.

Favorite Track: Staff Roll

1. Pokemon Emerald.

Released in 2005 for the Game Boy Advance, Pokemon Emerald is the 3rd game in the Gen 3 Pokemon games, following Ruby and Sapphire. As moving to the Hoenn Region, a young trainer travels defeating gym leaders, catching Pokemon and stopping the villainous Team Magma and Team Aqua. This is it. This is without a doubt my favorite game of all time. My very first game I ever bought with my own money. Many hours put in to catching all the Pokemon, training and raising different teams, competing in the Battle Frontier. Team Magma and Team Aqua were the first villains to actually feel like a threat, the Hoenn region is an amazing land scape with well known areas such as Mt. Chimney, Meteor Falls, and Sootopolis CIty. The Pokemon designs were made more excotic looking and the music is simple sublime with the use of trumpets. I love this game and I will continue to love and play for all of eternity.

Favorite Track: “Littleroot Town” “Route 120″ and “Ending Credits”

So what did you all think? Do you share any of my opinions on these games? What are some of your favorite games of all time? I would love to know! Have a great day to you all and this is Mama Luigi signing out!

#mama luigi talks #pokemon emerald #super mario world #metroid fusion #hyrule warriors #sonic colors #shovel knight #super smash bros #kirby planet robobot #castlevania symphony of the night #mega man 10 #games #video game

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johnnygstaffordshire · 2 years

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I’m on here as the founder and creative director of this staffless company in it’s infancy broke as fuck in bed on a phone with a shattered screen about to change it’s name to YSFA which might stand as it’s alternative not thinking about numbers a t-shirt idea apparel some stupid bitch tryna make a tabloid off the wave car trouble bills events meetings people/fans deadlines legal touble STDs from some irresistable slut who’s absoultely undeniable deadlines *a reputation* deadlines the federal bureau of investigation and it’s in these days where I’ll rest and return to for more ideas and a clearer understanding of where I am today but in hindsight it’s in these days where I’ll remember how big of a fuck up I thought I was when I snapped that selfie in my bedroom for not immediately enrolling at the local community college because I wanted to learn how to write two different verses to be married by a hook it’s in these days where I‘ll remember driving myself insane trying to learn how to be a producer for a label it’s in these days where I’ll remember that no one actually gives a fuck when the wheels aren’t on it yet even if it’s a black 993 targa with blue seats it’s in these days where I’ll remember thinking I wanted to be someone important as a kid when I wasn’t sure if I knew how to make and keep friends it’s in these days where I’ll remember growing up dreaming of making an album and doubting my abilites it’s in these days where I‘ll remember being a fanatic of the genre because all I’ve been doing is listening to tracks from my projects old new and unreleased and it’s some of the shit I want to hear today which is an indicator of success right one indicator of success may be if you’re a fan of your own product I grew up not sure of who I was wanting to be a character on any quirky TV show from either of the two powerhouses from my childhood and it didn’t happen for me I mean I wasn’t expecting it to but it still didn’t happen for me I picked up this skill full-time for a season studied the craft like I figured I would’ve and became something I wasn’t sure I could become I’m a 27 year old male who’s technically poor by socioeconomic standards but I couldn’t give less of a fuck because I have two projects online where I showcase that I can rap my ass off like I always knew I could and this one synth solo that subconsciously has me thinking I own a house in the fucking hills I’m humble I’m neurotic I’m relentless I’m great at rapping dude it’s in these days where I’ll remember that I became the great rapper I’ve always wanted to be and didn’t get to drive the black 993 targa with blue seats after finishing and posting two different projects I completed single-handedly it’s in these days and in this post where I’ll remember I don’t even do it for a Porsche

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