#aplatonics belong here

[itsoktocallmegay]

Friendly reminder that aplatonics are queer. It’s so disheartening to see so much aphobia be directed towards aplatonics. The A includes all aspecs.

#lgbtq #queer #aspec #aspectrum #aplatonic #aplspec #aplatonic spectrum #aplatonics are queer #aplatonics belong here #lgbt+ #lgbtqia #the a includes all aspecs #the a does not stand for ally #aplatonic questioning #of course not every aplatonic may identify as queer but the label itself is very queer regardless #if the person is only aplatonic but otherwise doesn’t I’d with other queer labels they still belong in the queer community #aphobia

[rolaplayor101]

After searching about, I've found others who've had and thought about the same issue that I did, which is that the Kingdom Hearts fandom has a HUGE amatonormativity problem. Which, yeah, most fandoms do, but the difference here is that the KH fandom is pretty small, which makes it way more prevalent.

There's a good amount of people who think Sora is aroace, grayromantic, or alloromantic asexual, but they keep it to themselves for risk of being harassed by shippers. They have to protect themselves with "aphobes DNI" on the few posts they do post about it. They have to continuously reblog their own art or go to a confession blog to lament about it.

And it's sad! This is saddening! And the thing is, I do ship SoRiKai. At least the minimum amount, enough to be fully invested in what's going on in canon. Because, canonically? They do care about each other intensely enough to usually go beyond the bounds of typical friendship. Especially Sora. The way he thinks, the things he does, it's all so grandeur in comparison to the things people do in real life for their friends. He flat out says he wants to be with Riku and Kairi forever in one of the first games.

The problem is that people still think being aroace means being apothi and aplatonic, but that's not the case. Sora feels platonic attraction so quickly, frequently, and intensely that it even puts off new characters he meets in the game. He's affectionate, uplifting, and confident(most of the time). But people can't see aroace people as a whole as anything but negative and loveless. Which is just plain not the case for all of us. Aspec people post about the different ways aspec people think all the time! It's mostly the only thing in the aromantic and asexual tags, and I frequent those a lot! So I'd know!

This is an issue thats brought up over and over and over again, and it's that being aroace-- feeling exactly zero romantic or sexual attraction-- does not mean you also feel zero platonic or queerplatonic (or sensual or alterous or any tertiary) attraction. It does not mean you can't feel attraction that is just as intense as allos feel romantic or sexual attraction. Sora has always attributed his strength and confidence to his friends, to his heart that belongs to all of his friends. He feels platonic attraction so intensely that it literally powers him up. It's the main theme of the entire Kingdom Hearts franchise.

Saying that Sora feels queerplatonic attraction towards Riku and Kairi does not mean he'd feel any less than if he were romantically and/or sexually attracted to them.

Thinking that queerplatonic and/or platonic attraction is less than romantic and/or sexual attraction is incorrect, aphobic, amatonormative, and exactly contrary to what Kingdom Hearts the franchise is partially trying to do.

Kingdom Hearts normalizes healthy, platonic, life-long relationships, which wasn't well represented in the early 2000s. Most media represented friendships as on the back burner, especially when pit against romantic relationships. Affectionate arospecs watched shows and movies when they were younger seeing the main character dismiss their friends, grow out of them, or outright hate them, and then have their problems be solved by a romantic partner. Toxic or unhealthy friendships (and also sibling relationships) were the norm, so having Kingdom Hearts, and a few other media I can't think of right now, be made where there's no romance outside of background characters and established ones fron Disney Movies, and where friendship is treated as equal and as the most important, was revolutionary.

Tons of Shounen anime do this, too. Bleach, Full Metal Alchemist, Hero Academia, most sports anime. Then there's other stuff like most magical girl anime, Soul Eater, Little Witch Academia, Promised Neverland, Lucky Star, Baccano, most Miyazaki movies. A lot of popular anime are popular because people love the friendships between characters. And I bet most people in Kingdom Hearts love it specifically because of the friendships too. They like that they're friends. Because their friendships are wholesome, and healthy, and good. They make us feel good. KH isn't "Queerbaiting"(which is only ever brought up for mlm ships and never for aspecs or wlw) for having Riku and Sora care about each other and get along. Just because pop culture has forced f/m relationships start specifically because a girl and a boy get along(if even that happens), doesn't mean that all characters in all media that get along are romantically into each other. Both of those are bad and thinking that its not is a double standard. Platonic chemistry and romantic chemistry are not the same (even if pop culture media continue to try and make it seem like they are). But so many posts trying to prove Sora is actually canonically secretly in romantic love with Riku and Kairi only have evidence of him just being his regular old self, doing things he canonically sees as platonic-- things that are platonic.

It's not an issue of people headcanoning Sora with romantic/sexual attraction (or otherwise) for the other characters, it's about the harassing of other people that it's canon and the blatant aphobia and amatonormativity. All that's canon right now is that Sora cares about his friends, which includes Riku and Kairi, and the fact that I got so much negativity back for saying he's aroace and feels queerplatonic attraction for them only proves that some people in this fandom think aroace people can't care about anyone strictly because they don't feel romantic or sexual attraction. The aphobia in the fandom needs to be addressed, and the aspec content should be allowed to be post freely without push back.

TLDR; Once the main Kingdom Hearts fandom stops seeing every little interaction between certain characters as canonically romantic, it'll finally be a more open and healthy community that people won't be afraid to engage in.

I want this to be helpful to read and for someone to learn something. And if aphobia shows up again, maybe take that person to the side and say that's not cool? Defend us aspecs, please? Cause all that..really makes me feel bad about and put off Kingdom Hearts completely. (And again! I ship SoRiKai! But people that don't ship it shouldn't have to go through this either!)

#tw Aphobia #Arophobia #Acephobia #aromantic #asexual #asexuality #kingdom hearts #kingdom hearts 3 #kh sora #kh kairi #kh riku #kairi kingdom hearts #SoRiKai #SoRiku #SoKai #RiKai #amatonormativity #Aromisia #allonOrmativity #Arospec awareness week #If You Ever Make Aspec Sora Kairi and or Riku content pls Tag me in it! Feel Free! #I'd like to see it

[mlp-friendship-isnt-magic]

I know I haven’t been posting much of my own content here. Most of what I’ve been doing is reblogging, and even that has slowed. I think you all deserve to know why.

I’ve been thinking, and I might be slightly uncomfortable with the aplatonic label. I don’t know how many people following me know this, but I am POSIC+ and objectum. POSIC+ means that I experience objects as sentient beings with thoughts and feelings. Objectum means that I feel attracted to objects.

I think my attraction to objects is platonic. I feel comfortable calling them friends and befriending them, and I feel drawn to them in a friendship-ish way. I still experience zero platonic attraction to humans. But I feel uncomfortable using a label that implies no platonic attraction to anyone. I feel like that implies that my attraction to objects is worth less just because they aren’t humans. I don’t want to imply that. I see my object attraction as just as important if not more than my human attraction.

I might continue to look into labels that describe what I feel. I might look into the grayplatonic spectrum. I have no intention of shutting down this blog. I know it is a resource for many aplatonics, and I will not take that away. Whatever label I end up choosing, I will stand by the aplatonic and atertiary communities. You are all amazing people and I thank you for giving me a space to belong.

Whether or not I will continue to post, I still don’t know. My askbox will remain open for questions about aplatonic identities. Again, I have no intention of taking away resources from the aplatonic community.

I just wanted to explain what was happening. Thank you all.

#aplatonic #aplspec #grayplatonic #atertiary #atertiaryspec #objectum #posic #once again thank you for giving me a space in the aplatonic community

[entropy-sea-system]

Alloplatonics can be so annoying about people who don't fit platonormative expectations. Being aro and/or romance-averse is NOT an excuse to take this up to 11 btw. Unfriendly reminder that aplatonics are a part of the aspec community. We belong here! Some aspecs are also nonfriending, plato averse, and/or plato repulsed regardless of platonic orientation. If you can understand that romance and sex shouldn't be mandatory it shouldn't fucking be hard to understand that friendship is NOT mandatory.

#actually aplatonic #vent #negative #apl #apothiplatonic #plato averse #plato repulsed #plato repulsion #aspec #aro #aromantic #actually aromantic #I get that youre aggreived by amatonormativity #but pls dont take it out on ppl who dont like or prioritise friends istg

[askanaroace]

Oct Carnival of Aros Sub: Non-Humanity

So this month's Carnival of Aros is on "Humanity and the Non-Human" by @tabby-shieldmaiden about how concepts of humanity tend to center around love and romance.

I've been thinking about this a lot recently as I continue to discover more and more about myself. At this point, I'm now aplatonic, loveless and heartless, aromantic, asexual, and nonbinary and genderqueer. I think a lot about how I don't connect with a lot of the "human" experiences and want people like to claim makes you human. I don't love. I don't do romance. I have no interest in sex. I'm not going to get married or have kids. I don't have pets. I don't understand friendship or have the energy for it. I don't even fit into a man or woman category.

It's othering, to say the least. I'm not unhappy with any of these things. I accept them and even like them about myself. Being aromantic was a legitimate relief for me. I don't want to love. I don't want to do typical relationships.

But I have no one irl that understands any of this. All of my community HAS to be online. I've been told I count as a "negative gay" due to my lack of romantic and sexual feelings. Feelings of loneliness get projected onto me all the time.

I do not connect with other people.

More and more, I get the draw towards voidpunk. I admire the people who really take this up.

One of the first things I read about asexuality was "Planet Asexuality" about how being asexual was kinda like being an alien living amongst people. And I related so hard. It was just a perfect encapsulation of my experience growing up.

But the thing is, even though I don't really relate strongly to being human, I know that I am and I don't really relate to much else. I really like the idea of voidpunk, but like so many other things, I feel like an outsider looking in when it comes up. I don't have a strong sense of being or not being anything. I mostly just feel...other. I'm here, and I should belong - but I don't really. Sometimes people kinda try to let me know I semi-belong, but at the end of the day I don't.

You know that feeling when you're in a room full of people, but you still feel disconnected? That's me just living my life. I'm sure depression plays into that, but none of how I identify or how society as a whole talks about humanity helps.

I think I will make it a goal to explore voidpunk more. How I feel about voidpunk now is pretty similar to how I felt about aplatonic for years before I really identified that way. Perhaps with just a little effort on my part...I will finally feel a connection instead of living in a world of identities that all have to do with not connecting.

#carnival of aros #aromantic #aplatonic #aro #apl #loveless #heartless #asexual #genderqueer #nonbinary #non humanity #voidpunk #connection

[justannoyingbear]

Intro

I have no idea what I'm doing here.

But that's okay.

Because I don't know why I'm doing this.

Doesn't matter. Nobody's gonna read this anyway.

I speak/write english (not too good) and german (don't like to).

People see me as an adult, male human beeing.

(Honestly, I don't feel like any of that.)

I'm somewhere on the ND spectrum, very likely ADHD (inattentive) and probably autistic, although not professionally diagnosed yet.

And there are some anxiety & depression issues.

Life is just great, isn't it? 

If anyone cares about these things:

I'm Aro/Ace and I think I might be aplatonic as well.

A weird creature in a weird, weird world.

Why "JustAnnoyingBear"?

People call me "Bear" for my physical appearance.

Colleagues called me "Bear" because of "Don't poke the bear".

And because I like bears (the animals).

Aaaaand because I growl. At people.

The "Annoying" is self-explanatory.

I'm just annoying.  

You can call me whatever you like.

You can ask me whatever you want.

(I may take a while to answer)

I guess I will use this place to write about the things that make me think I'm not "normal".

Maybe writing stuff down makes it easier to sort my twisted thougts.

Or I just post stuff about my various special interests /fixations.

Hmm. I should make a list.

Ah. I nearly forgot.

Since this is MY little corner of the internet now:

If you're a racist, homophobe, transphobe, anti-therian, ableist,....the list is too long. I'll just call them hate-people.

So, if you belong to the hate-people, you are NOT welcome here and if you enter this page, I will lay an ancient viking curse upon you which will make your life very sad, it will make you lose all you hair, it will make you smell really bad and.....oh.

I guess noone would notice.

#undiagnosed ND #AUDHD

[merely-a-caricature]

What Does it Mean to Be Aplatonic?

Hello, y’all! I’ve always been meaning to get some aplatonic related posts out here, but I never got around to it, but here I am!

So, aplatonic (shortened, “apl”) generally describes someone who feels little to to platonic attraction. However, some people apply this term because they have trouble making friends due to neurodivergence or trauma. Others may use aplatonic to describe a lack of love for the friends and possibly even their family, but a term, afamilial, exists for that. In some circumstances, people may use aplatonic to describe a lack of queerplatonic attraction, although this is probably a more warped meaning of aplatonic, and aqueerplatonic would be a more accurate term

The term aplatonic was actually coined in aromantic circles and asexual circles, and usually it’s people who are on the a-spec that use this term, but people who are not on the a-spec may still use the term aplatonic. Whether or not aplatonic belongs on the a-spec… I’ll leave you to determine that for yourselves as there is some debate about that

To understand (one) of these definition, one has to define what exactly platonic means. Now, historically since the coining of this term by Mr. Shuttershy, what exactly was meant by “platonic” has been a bit ambiguous. Mr. Shuttershy used the term to describe what he felt was a lack of love towards friends and family. This is not the only thread where possible definitions of aplatonic were discussed

From what I can gather, platonic attraction is having this desire to form a friendship with a specific person. You are drawn to them and want to know them better and want to form a closer relationship with them. That’s about how I’d sum up platonic attraction.

One of the hard parts for me trying to figure out if I was in the apl-spec was trying to figure out if I experience(d) platonic attraction or not. I never really desired friends, but there were times when I really wanted to hang out with other people and talk with them. As I eventually learned and thought through, I can conclude that is different than platonic attraction.

Desiring to talk with someone or hang out with them is not the same as platonic attraction. You can hang around someone and enjoy their company but not want to build a deeper relationship and just leave it at somewhat shallow social interactions. This brings me to another point I’d like to make, aplatonic people may enjoy friendships, they may enjoy social interaction, but they are still aplatonic. I should also add that some aplatonic people don’t care either way for friendships and don’t like social interaction. It’s an umbrella term, and there is so much to consider when talking about social interactions between people in a non-romantic and non-sexual context

As far as being aplatonic in the sense of not feeling platonic love for your friends, I have a post on what I believe love really is. To sum it up, it’s not an emotion, not affection, but what you’re willing to do for a person and putting them. So if you don’t feel that way towards friends or acquaintances, you could consider yourself to be in the apl-spec

Through all this soul-searching and figuring out just what love means and what platonic attraction means, I came to the conclusion that I am aplatonic! For me, that means I’ve never experienced platonic attraction (except for, like, one time I think) but I love having friendships, I enjoy social interaction, and I do love my friends (and family), but I’ve practically never felt that desire to grow closer and form a friendship with a specific person. (I also have a whole host of issues with attachment styles and just emotional connections with people, BUT THAT’S SOMETHING ELSE :)

This turned out longer than I expected, and I could go into more depth about aplatonicism as a whole, but I wanted to focus a little more on just being aplatonic. Aromagni has a wonderful masterpost here on Tumblr talking more about aplatonicism as a whole with related terms, links to even more threads, the microlabels, and more if you want a really good look at aplatonicam in the big picture that I have linked below along with a couple other links besides the ones I linked before. With that said, I hope you learned something!

Sources/Extra Resources:

Aplatonic

Aplatonicism 101 (by AUREA)

Aplatonic Masterpost

#aplatonic #actually aplatonic #aplatonicism #aplatonic spectrum #aplspec #apl

[angryaromantics]

(Amatonormativity anon again) Thank you for your quick response! I can see your point for sure. If anything, it's at the very least clumsy wording, which I get happens on this site all the time, because it's not like we're all considering every direction from which a post can be interpreted. I just get pretty sensitive about the way that some parts of the aromantic community tend to claim that /any/ kind of significant relationship is supported and upheld by amatonormativity when that is... extremely not the case. It really felt like a twisting of the definition of the word, which is explicitly and directly about the centering and prioritizing of /romantic/ partnerships, to the exclusion and shitting on all other types of relationship, including nonromantic partnerships, in a way that I find - as an arospec person in a qpr - incredibly harmful and disingenuous. Amatonormativity harms my relationship in every way possible, and it really hurts to see significant parts of my community claiming the opposite on a regular basis... Like I get that entirely nonpartnering people are harmed by alloro + amatonormative society but so are we (me + my partner, others in nonromantic relationships of any kind). I know it's probably not meant like that, but posts like that sometimes feel like an attempt to set up a hierarchy within the community of who the ones who are the 'most marginalized' are and who the 'most aro' are, or something, and there's no way an aromantic person who does have nonromantic partners is like. Privileged? Over one who doesn't, if that makes sense. And it's scary and painful to see people in my own community talking like they are, because it assumes /any/ aro has support or societal validation that we just don't have. Sorry for the huge rant ahhh, it's just something that's been bubbling up for me a lot and I really appreciate your perspective on things.

I get that. It's easy to get sensitive about specific things if they're always the things being picked apart. I would hope any aspec people would understand that as well.

I agree that it's twisting of the definition, even if I don't think that was OP's intention. I Try to give aro people the benefit of the doubt unless it's abundantly clear that I can't. Amatanormativity just gets thrown around a lot in the aro community if its even tangentially related because it's a hot button word for us, but in this case, it's not helpful, and as you've demonstrated, can even be harmful.

I think the only way you could even sort of claim queerplatonic relationships as having any sort of Privilege over non-partnering aros would be if they're being misinterpreted as a Romantic Couple. BUT, as I've said before, your identity being erased and your relationship misconstrued isn't a privilege, but another axis of arophobia. I've been in a queerplatonic relationship before, and others misconstruing said relationship was physically nauseating for me. That doesn't feel like any sort of benefit. Like, maybe the axis in which a nonpartnering and a partnering aro face aphobia can be a little different, but they're coming from the same place, and they're equally as harmful.

There does seem to be a lot of like, who is the most oppressed, competitions in both the queer community at large, and in the aromantic community particularly here. I think a lot of it comes down to 1. overcorrecting with the groups we've previously left out in the cold i.e. heartless and aplatonic people especially, and 2. experiences within our community being so varied that it's Hard to acknowledge everyone and make sure everyone's needs are being met, and 3. Overcompensating with the whole not being accepted into queer spaces thing so almost wanting to prove you belong in the queer community because you're time is Harder than others. None of it is right, but it does Happen.

I'm sorry you're having issues within the community. It's not fair that you have to face arophobia from alloro people and then not even feel welcomed in your own community. It should be a safe place for every arospec identity, but I think we're just gonna have to work at it and find a nice little middle ground.

#asks #aphobia #also like Do call me out if you think i said or reblogged something shitty #i am but one person with a limited pov so sometimes i'm wrong and i don't know it #so thank you anon for your pov #also don't Apologize for the rant i think it's important that we talk about things and that people have a space for that!!

[aroaceconfessions]

Ever since the trend in the aro community of posting a ton of stuff about qprs being ‘amatonormative’ (wtf?????), posts intensely and aggressively insisting that love only ever means romantic love and anyone who says otherwise is trying to ‘broaden’ or ‘expand’ it, posts like one I saw the other day speculating if people who spout amatonormative and arophobic stuff about how friendships don’t matter and only romance is the most important might just be aplatonic or something rather than just arophobic, I’ve felt increasingly driven out of my own community. There’s positivity posts out the ears for aromantic people who are romance positive and want romance. There’s positivity posts out the ears for aromantic people who are loveless and want nothing to do with relationships of any kind and hate the concept of queerplatonic relationships.

There’s also a lot of posts about how saying aromantic people can still love and form close relationships is uniformly a horrible thing to say, disregarding the history of this community, which I’ve been in for ten years, having to fight for people to understand that we CAN still experience love and form close relationships - it’s not ‘defending our humanity by resorting to other kinds of love’ it’s fighting a dominant narrative that tries to cut us off from intimacy and care and being close to and loving or being loved by others!

Im losing my community to this hostility and language shift. It’s extremely sad to me because there’s nowhere else I’ve ever belonged as an aromantic person who never wants a romantic relationship EVER but if this is how things are going to go - if wanting a committed platonic relationship is ‘amatonormative’ now, if posts talking about how horrible it is to have to lie to your friends and tell them you love them when you don’t (instead of idk, communicating with them?) which terrifies me as an aro who’s always been afraid of not really being loved in close friendships and losing my opportunity to be loved to my romance repulsion is going to be the norm now, if no one is allowed to defend ‘love’ as a concept that HAS NEVER meant only romantic love at the default (though obviously allos often use it as shorthand and then defend their arophobia by pulling the ‘love can be platonic too!! card, this is fundamentally different from aros defending their right to use and be included in it), if that’s just going to be how things are now then I’ve lost my community of a decade, my ONLY community. There’s no space for me here any more because I’m neither romance positive nor loveless and every other post is hostile towards people like me - like the only aros that exist are ‘still wants and likes romance’ and ‘loveless and nonpartnering forever.’ And that really, really hurts.

#aromantic #aro #amatonormativity #arophobia

[lovesthecure]

Finding aplatonic existed as a thing explained my general detachment from friends as a concept?

I am not full on aro, and quite romance positive. When romance didn't make sense, it was because I didn't know I was queer. Figuring out that part made it all make sense. I'm now in a lovingly committed relationship.

But I don't understand the other relationship type: friendship.

I thought for a really long time friendship was a transaction! I draw for you, so you write for me. I draw for you because you like my art and will give me something. I want that something because I like what you output. This is friendship, right?

I thought the other kind of friendship was just time sinkers? "My husband is busy! I will talk to you instead." That kind of thing. You're just here while I wait on the actually important person. And I'm just here to fill the same lull.

And if there was any other kind of friendship, I don't know what it'd be.

People say "I love you" to their friends and it makes my skin crawl. To me, it's an intimate word for the one person I'm actually attached to in any meaningful fashion! So watching them use it puzzles me when it's not directed at me, and makes me nauseas when they say it right to me.

Similarly, I couldn't imagine someone who isn't my husband hugging me, or holding my hand. I used to make myself so that kind of thing. "I am crying. I should be hugged." It was always a little uncomfortable, but I thought I was just supposed to grit my teeth and deal.

There are people who want to be my friend, and it flies over my head. They go out of their way to try and talk to me, but it's all on things I've made. "They're just here because they like what I made," and then I get told later they were trying to actually socialize with me. Which, to me, is insane? I don't get why you even would. Especially like that. To me, it's silly.

I'm not even sure why other people make friends. If it isn't transactional, what makes you?

I thought everyone formed friend groups to be like the five man bands of fiction. I thought everyone just wanted to be a part of that. You'll be Naruto, because you're spunky. You'll be Sakura, because you've got heart. Can I be Sasuke then? I can be brooding, so can I have that part to play? Like that, like roleplay.

And I wish the culture wasn't so bent on having its feelings hurt! I wish I could just make transactional friendships. I can't be attached to you properly anyway, so why do you care so much? You got what you wanted, I thought? But there's all this shit, what's a "real friend" and what isn't. "Real friends care" and "what do you mean you don't care about me?" I don't, yeah. I don't get why it matters.

Don't get me started on friends as having feelings for me... It always feels like they wanna step as close to me as possible, even if it means me having to push them back out of my bubble. Like... You don't belong in this bubble... Why the fuck do you want to be in it!?

Bleh idk I might delete this later.

#Aplatonic #cupioplatonic #bleeeeeh #trying to be friends with people is so exhausting #i have no idea how people who aren't aplatonic do it... #I only have one friend right now? #he's chill #offers me mods and we play dnd #and he doesn't step over my boundaries like other people #making friends with dudes tends to work out better for me #girls just really want to push boundaries with me for aome reason #they all wanna use the l word and they all wanna get touchy and intimate #it's entirely too much...

[itsoktocallmegay]

PSA: Acespecs are queer, Acespecs belong here.

Arospecs are queer, Arospecs belong here.

Aplatonics are qeer, Aplatonics belong here.

Aspecs are queer, Aspecs belong here.

All Aspecs belong in the LGBTQIAAP+ community. That is what the A stands for. We belong here. The LGBTQ+ community should be and NEEDS to be a safe place for Aspecs. Shout out to all of my fellow Aspecs.

#lgbtq #aspec #aspectrum #acespec #asexual #asexual spectrum #arospec #aromantic #aromantic spectrum #aplatonic #aroace #aroacespec #aroace spectrum #aroallo #lgbtqiia+ #a is for aspec #the a does not stand for ally #we do need allies though #lgbtqiaap+ #i dont reply to exlusionists btw #I WILL NOT agrue about whether aspecs should be considered queer or not #just block me if you disagree with me on apsecs #fuck apsecphobes

[aimlesswalker]

I don’t think I belong in this world. And I mean that with every fiber of my being.

I don’t know how to communicate how much it hurts like I can’t talk about this with anyone and talking about it doesn’t even make it hurt any less. I don’t know how to communicate the pain of living in a world that doesn’t want you, that continually tells you you’re broken and wrong. I don’t know how to explain the unique intersection of being trans (and never gendered properly), autistic/adhd, aromantic, aplatonic, queer allosexual, a system member that didn’t exist until 2018, and disabled in the middle of a fucking pandemic. It took any chance at socializing away from me. And then being disabled took away the rest of the things that gave my life joy and meaning. I will never have the life that I want and I will never get over it. This! isn’t a life that I want. I don’t belong here. I don’t know if I ever belonged here.

#actuallyautistic #actuallyadhd #fey talks

[aromanticgrey]

An Aroallo Perspective on the Relationship Between the Aro and Ace Communities: Solidarity Not Conflation

The aro and ace communities are closely connected. We have a shared history, many shared community spaces, and many people with both aro and ace identities. We are brought together as communities due to having orientations that revolve around a lack of attraction, but that is where the similarities end. The aro and ace communities are not the same, but they are often treated as such. This is a problem.

Not only are ace and aro identities conflated, arospec identities are treated as a subset of asexuality. This issue ranges from how aros are treated in community discussion, to representation, to education.

The ace community has consistently portrayed aro identities as a part of asexuality, if they bother to mention aros at all. As a young aroallo trying to figure out my identity, this caused me much confusion. When I was discovering aromanticism I could not find aro resources that weren’t primarily ace resources. Aro identities were always only talked about in the context of asexuality. I thought I had to be ace in order to be aro, and I did not know you could be aro and allosexual. I was never led to believe it was possible. If I had not (mistakenly) identified as ace-spec I am not sure I would have found aro info at all, as it was always buried in ace resources, existing as footnotes.

Things have gotten a bit better since then, but mostly because the aro community has built itself up from nothing and has demanded recognition as its own identity and community. These kinds of problems absolutely still exist, however. To this day, I see aro specific content labeled as ace by aces. I see aroace characters labeled as only ace, the aro part of their identity erased and ignored. Educational resources that include aromantic identities are in many cases unbalanced, and focus much more on asexuality, with no acknowledgment that aroallos exist. Ace resources and positivity sometimes even express negative ideas about aros. An example being how many asexual resources are amatonormative and equate romantic attraction with worth and validity as a person (see the common: “don’t worry, aces can still love!”).

As an aro, especially an aroallo, I feel out of place in the asexual community. I do not belong in the ace community as I am not ace, yet many aces seem unaware that aroallos, in general, do not feel included in ace specific communities on the basis that we are not ace. I have seen aroace groups mention only aces and assume that aros will feel welcome and included. This is not the case. Aces, if you want to include aros, mention us explicitly, and not only that, but represent us equally.

Unfortunately mainstream LGBT organizations seem to have picked up on this as well. They mention asexuality, but not aromanticism and believe that this is sufficient inclusion. Those who know of the A in LGBTQIA, and know of it as standing for asexual, oftentimes only know that it stands for asexuality, but not aromanticism as well (and agender!). Some who do know better exclude aros from the A anyway, and this is not acceptable. Aces, if you want to include and support aros, there are many things mentioned above that need to change.  

Aces, if you want to include aroallos, take care about how you speak of sexuality, especially sex without romance. I personally feel uncomfortable in many ace dominant spaces due to the many jokes about sex being gross, and ideas that romance is more pure and good than sex. I have no problem with sex repulsed people, or people thinking that sex is gross for them personally. I do however take issue with talk of other people’s sexuality being gross. Such sentiments are quite alienating, especially in the context of a broader culture where my queer sexuality is shamed.

To be honest I feel let down by the broader ace community. I feel pushed to the side and devalued. I know things don't have to be this way though, and I hope my criticisms are not taken as aggressive, but rather as an attempt to address concerns and open positive dialogue. Things can change, and this carnival of aros joint event with the carnival of aces is a great step in the right direction, and a good way to get some discussion going.

For aces who want to show support for aros and aroallos, here is a list of things you can do.

Treat the aro and ace communities as individual, unique, communities. They share similarities and can sometimes overlap but they are not the same.

Listen to aros. Listen to us about our struggles, and about our concerns.

Boost aro voices and support our content. Help us spread our educational materials.

When creating aro and ace resources together, weigh the ace and aro aspects equally.

When creating aro and ace educational materials together, don't forget mention aroallos along with aroaces and alloaces.

Take care to not spread amatonormative or anti-aro ideas.

Don't label ace only content as aro. This doesn't make you more inclusive. It is simply misleading and further conflates ace and aro identities.

If you want to include aros in something, mention us as fully and explicitly as you would asexuality or any other orientation.

Don't mock or wrongly define aro community terminology like aplatonic and qpr. If you aren't sure of the definition or proper usage of an aro community term, look to the aro community for answers.

Don't make fun of or shame others for their sexuality. There is a difference between being sex repulsed and putting others down.

I am all for aro and ace community solidarity. I believe the communities can, and have, done a lot to help and support each other. I also believe that the aro community needs an opportunity to stand on its own. The aro community deserves more than to simply exist in the shadow of the ace community. Aroallo visibility is sorely lacking due to the conflation of the two communities. To push forward aroallo narratives, and to spread aroallo education and resources necessitates a degree of separation between the communities. Solidarity without conflation is possible, and is a worthy goal that I believe we can achieve.

#carnival of aros #aro #aromantic #actually aromantic #asexual #aroallo #ally tips #rey speaks