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hobidreams · 2 years

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ok this is ab to be a very unpopular opinion 👀 but oc deserves SO MUCH better than yoongi !!! like yea he’s sweet and loving and gentle now but the way he treated her in the beginning was atrocious. he was so rough, so uncaring, he made her cry, and he literally used her while KNOWING her feelings for him. he even admitted that he straight up thought of her as a whore? the one thing she’s been sensitive about her WHOLE life due to her social status, which he prolly knew about bc they were friends for so long. like all of their history washed away as soon he got caught up in his angst and started to see her as someone to have sex with. like her mom died too lmfao ur not special 😭😭

i see where ur coming from for sure! if this story was happening irl in our time period, i would tell oc to leave him too lol. but i also believe that good people make shit decisions. and that people do physically and mentally change due to trauma.

please remember that the beginning of the series is NOT the beginning of their relationship!! he has always tried to treat her with kindness, esp when he was a teen. what i tried to show throughout the series was that he has always been that loving and gentle boy. but he was so confused and unable to allow himself to have those feelings after being thrust into kingship!

and yes, she lost her mom too, but he also lost the person directing him as king of the entire damn country. hes terrified. every wrong move he makes could send thousands of ppl to their deaths. even his executions were trying to save the rest of his people. worst of all hes not even allowed to be sad bc he has to perform strength for the court.

he never ACTUALLY saw her as someone to have sex with. he TRIED to do that, bc that's what he thought a king should do (get rid of all his weaknesses). as he says, "Even though at one point, at my worst, I thought that was the only way I could have you. If I told myself to think of you as…" he repeatedly tells himself to imagine her that way but it never works (how many times have we told ourselves to stop crushing on someone and its absolutely futile? i did it so much 😭) he renovates the whole pavilion for her. he gives her an ENTIRE HALL to practice her medicine (a hall is fucking enormous lol. like giving someone an entire house instead of a room). he never uses her as just a body bc he cant hide his feelings. if i wrote nov 1868 from his pov, itd be more evident how he breaks down, needing her touch, needing her compassion as he rmbs all those happy times they had together as kids. there are hints of it there, like when she notes that he seems to be lingering w his touches. every time he had sex with her, he was just as in love with her as she him. hes physically unable to see her as "just a body to use."

also,,, he actually only calls her "whore" ONCE, in april 1869. i didnt explicitly mention it in the story bc there was never a place for it but i imagine he saw her puffy eyes that night and saw how the word seemed to bother her and so he never says it again. every other iteration of it comes from oc degrading herself. i also imagine he went back to his chambers that night feeling so shitty and sad, beating himself up for wanting her and hurting her by doing so but also being unable to truly leave her behind.

unfortunately mlt is mostly from oc's pov so its hard to show his side :( but i tried to show disonnance between his words and his actions. he doesnt treat her like any mere woman. he never has 😭

also maybe i didnt explain this enough but his trauma with the assasination attempt is his reasoning for why he tried to keep oc out of it/as only a body to use. he didnt want her to end up like his mom or that other concubine if feelings got involved. he didnt want her to love him. but thats where he was wrong--feelings were always involved between these two.

#also lol oc would never confide those fears to him pre-feb 1872 lol #she so rarely does it bc she thinks its not his burden #so she just bottles it all up #which hurts him in turn #he definitely did a lot of dumbass things #but he meant well #and she is the same akdmwnf #they both had to grow up #and their feelings for the other is why they were able to find that strength to keep moving on #im so sorry this is so long LOL #but ive spent a lot of time thinking about yoongi's character #ofc u are free to interpret as you wish ♡♡♡♡#this is just how i wrote him #dudes big problem is that he cares too much hahaha #rain reply #dreamers #moonlit throne

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wistfulrat · 3 years

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a 4-part rec list of my fave drarry fics - the thrillers, dramas, soft bois, and wankbanks getting me through 2020′s shitstorm

[ for my fellow fledgling drarry stans! the drama list is here and, well. like i didn’t initially intend to go off in the mini-reviews beneath every rec but it’s just that you can't nOT yell about drarry as classic literary foils!! also it’s my dumb sideblog so i decided there are no rules and i get to be annoying about good writing.

but rly, the whole premise of the drarry pairing is shaped by this genre and if the ~serious world of serious published writers~ weren’t absolute cowards, they would admit that drama fic authors have contributed more to the genre than the average shit you can find at your local chain bookstore. so that's that on thAT. & if you love a fic here, don't forget to follow the authors, leave kudos & comments on their work, send them nice msgs bc they do all this shit for free xoxo ]

part 2: dramas

mood: for when I need emotional catharsis and maybe 7 hours to sob/brood about loneliness, the cost of love, & the perpetual fear of being truly known

includes: angst, hurt/comfort, reconciliation fics. it’s cruelty o’clock folks and someone is about to say/do something Fucked Up that they can’t take back. but don’t worry!! there will be a Reckoning feat. hamlet-worthy monologues, ugly truths, unbridled rage, trauma, insecurity, and just a fuck ton of tears!! but maybe even tender apologies and mended things.

(Un)wanted by @aibidil - 36k - E | Ginny's pregnant, then she's not and Harry's single. Harry, again with no family, doesn't know what to do with this turn of events, or how to find a new life—post-war, post-Ginny, post-abortion—in which he belongs. He doesn't expect that life to include dancing to the Backstreet Boys with Hermione and Draco Malfoy. A story of finding belonging in the unexpected. | --- can a fic be tender and unflinching at the same time? bc this story strikes that balance rly well and for a piece about unwantedness, it is incredibly humanizing. ginny holding her own, draco being gentle but not letting harry play victim, hermione calling harry “hazzah” and just the way this friendship insists on the validity of found families even when harry is spiraling?? and you’re forced to consider that no one has the monopoly on fucked-upness and that doesn’t absolve us of the ways we hurt each other but it means that everyone has the same potential to be better after being broken. goD JUST READ IT, OKAY.

Blood Magic, the series by @houseofhebrideanblacks and @thestralsofspinnersend 335k - E “Later that night. . .Draco wondered at the depths of magic, its breadth and scope. The ways in which life pervades and eludes death, the ways in which they endure all manners of small and large deaths within their lives.” -- if you don't read any other fic on this list, i hope you read this series bc holy shit it’s breathtaking. harry’s a recovering addict, draco’s recovering from abuse, and in a cottage within the forbidden forest begins an unlikely partnership as the boys take up the tedious work of healing. there are thestrals and everyone's in therapy. there are whole chapters of cottagecore drarry. it's a beautiful exploration of how we bare the immensity of loss against the miracles of birth and regrowth.

Ship of Theseus by GallaPlacidia - 18k - T “A ship in a full sail, a ship in a state of decay, a ship that had been rebuilt, slightly different. A repeating cycle. “What makes the ship the same?” asked Harry. “I don’t know. There must be something in it that lasts across the changes.” -- DO YOU KNOW HOW THIS QUOTE LIVES RENT FREE IN MY SAD, SAD BRAIN. DO YOU KNOW HOW I LOSE SLEEP THINKING ABOUT THE FUCKING SHIP OF THESEUS. it’s a memory loss fic and everything is so unFAIR. you want to murder harry sometimes bc he’s such a shiT and you suffer through the ways he questions desire, penance, redemption, true love. and by the end, you want to believe in those golden slumber lyrics: “once, there was a way to get back home”

Yours to Keep by @dracoismytrashson - 135k - E i love the university setting, i love getting to see harry and draco’s first forays into a real LGBTQ community, the class and race structures outside of the wizarding world. i love that this is the context in which they’re allowed to confront the shittiness of PTSD, anxiety, depression etc. as they come together and fall apart against each other’s traumas. it makes the ending feel earned af. “Baby, we’ve been easing into it for a decade.” -- my god this line

Away Childish Things by @letteredlettered - 153k - T this fic is devastating. like, completely forget whatever reticence you might have towards a de-aging fic and read this. the de-aging premise allows the author to cut through the ways harry and draco hold each other at a distance and you end up with these stunning moments of clarity where they’re truly seeing each other for the first time. and suddenly everything makes sense. i won't spoil it here but there’s a scene towards the end where harry is talking to hermione and ron about realizing the first time he felt what its like to be loved and I fucking SOBBED. an all-time fave fic about learning how to belong.

Had To Be You by @lettersbyelise - 59k - E a genuinely excellent slow burn about absolute fucking morons who refuse to express their mutual love over the course of literal years?? HOW MANY TENDER MEET-CUTES DO 2 GAY IDIOTS EVEN NEED. a car ride a bookshop a street corner -- when harry met sally is my enemy. but you know what? this fic is masterfully written, it’s an epic tale of unexpected friendships and the inability to say the things we feel. also its very much also a soft boi fic if not for the Major Fuck Up that pushes it into drama territory for me. so worth the turmoil tbh.

Hurricane by phrynne - 120k - E auror partners terrified of love. it’s a fic about walls - where the emotional landscape of this fic is occluded by dishonest words so you feel the tension play out in hollow voices, shuttered looks, emptied eyes. it’s like watching two ppl get flayed alive in slow motion and everything is SHIT for a little. it’s mean, it’s ugly, it doesn’t let you give the characters an out when they’re being cruel - to each other and to themselves. but harry and draco are two violent forces hurling toward each other’s walls and the inevitable reckoning comes and it’s so very worth the ending. the hospital bed scene to rule all hospital bed scenes.

Returning Tides by @zigster-ao3 - E “Is my timing that flawed? Our respect run so dry? Yet there's still this appeal That we've kept through our lives” --those fuCKing ian curtis lyrics in the summary!! p a i n. why do i put myself through getting-back-together fics knowing full well i’m gonna be Sad As Hell during the not-together portion of the story?? we are all unfortunately hoes for heartache. anyway this fic is beautiful. draco’s a dad and recently widowed, harry has a thestral reserve, the settings here are stunning. a story about grief and love that lingers.

A Piercing Comfort by @talithan - 44k - T “There is no objective scorecard. There isn’t anything that a person does that tips the balance from ‘deserving’ to ‘undeserving’, or vice versa. A ‘deserving’ person will not run out of worthiness after a set time of happiness and have to then go about working to deserve it again. And an ‘undeserving’ person does not have to suffer at length before having the opportunity to be ‘deserving’.” -- the heart of this fic. harry’s in therapy, facing depression, and learning how to accept love he doesn’t think he deserves. (also draco is harry’s therapist but yes, that power dynamic is handled ethically-well imo and addressed in the author notes I promise!!).

Borrowing Courage by @xx-thedarklord-xx - 70k - E |After years of being a Magical Artist and painting for other people, Draco decides it’s time to paint for himself for once. The secrets pile up as he tries to unravel the mystery of his relatives but the only thing he didn’t count on was having to go to Potter of all people for approval.| --god i love this fic. the thing about drarry here is that they never mean to hurt each other but they do. they do and draco’s trying to do the right thing and he wants so badly for good family but harry’s never rly stopped grieving sirius and it’s this whole unintended mess of festering wounds forced to heal. everyone needs a hug. also ron/blaise pairing and ron+draco’s friendship here is everything!!

Reparations and the sequel, Foundations by Saras_Girl - 320k - E | Harry is about to discover that the steepest learning curve comes after Healer training, and that second chances can be found in unexpected places.| -- incredible. harry and draco’s dynamic as healers, the cast of original characters, the boys learning what it means to trust each other, draco building a rehabilitation center, harry falling in love with him, and “meus fabula est mei ut dico: my story is mine to tell.” i cry

The Ties that Bind by phoenix_writing (not on ao3) - 61k - T | Upon Andromeda’s death, Harry and Draco are given custody of Teddy. Their lives will never be the same.| -- harry’s got major abandonment issues and he’s just trying to be a good co-parent with draco but everyone is being the woRST and you want to murder them on behalf of harry. but then, the boys learn to listen to each other and god it all becomes so tender. also harry has a gay panic. things are awful but it all works out. -

[part 1: thrillers | part 2: dramas | part 3: soft bois | part 4: wankbanks]

#drarry #drarry fic #drarry fic rec #drarry dramas #im so sorry if this got long but also #I have too many Thoughts #all I do is cry over two sad gays #its pain o'clock sweeties #time to Sob about the mortifying ordeal of being Known

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voidcat · 3 years

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– “Friend” is a four letter word

Characters: Kuroo Tetsurou / gn! reader

requested by anon, prompt 1

wc & genre: 2k - mostly fluff, a bit angst by the end

a/n: the title is literally a 1 trait danger song title, pls dont come @ me, i just thought it was nice to use bc “love” is a four letter word so yea,, also pls dont ship ppl irl or ask them too many Qs abt their relationshio even if they look so good together n should date bc it is rlly rlly annoying (speaking from experience)

The first you meet Kuroo Tetsurou, you don’t even notice.

It’s not surprising, he’s quiet and doesn’t gather attention. You don’t go looking around and keeping an eye on everyone either. The most is you’re just two fish in the vast sea, unaware of one another, too tangled with your own lives.

Then comes a moment, nothing special, almost out-of-a-movie type. It begins with a joke, if it can be considered that. It’s bad, awfully bad, a horrible pun in the middle of chemistry and from the volume of the voice you can tell they hoped no one would hear. But you do, so does few who sit next to him and your giggles dance around in the air. You don’t notice it’s him at that time but you grow to recognize his jokes in the following time.

Kuroo Tetsurou feels like a mystery when your eyes lie on him one afternoon. He’s not bad looking, a part of a sports team, a key member even. And yet compared to all the other jocks he doesn’t bask in the attention, in fact, he doesn’t receive any. Others like to brag and talk smug, as if they’ve discovered life in an inhabitable area and then there’s him. You can’t even tell he plays in the team if it’s not for the uniform and tracksuit he’s in after classes.

You think to yourself, if only jocks were like him. Still, you take no step and neither does he.

Maybe neither of you need to because the universe is more than happy to provide the nudge you both seem to need.

Funny enough it’s a science project that starts it.

He’s too quiet to your liking, speaking only when absolutely necessary. As you desperately try to kill the silence that hangs in the air, he avoids it as hard, making so little sound.

An idea comes as fast the lights are on and you speak before you even get to think ‘what’s there to lose?’

“No science puns for me? What happened, cat got your tongue?”

To say he is baffled, is the understatement of the year. You’re not sure if he’s surprised you’ve heard him joke or want to hear more of them; but either way, he looks cute, with his guard down, at a loss of reaction, mouth slightly open and – is that a hint of blush on his cheeks?

It only goes upwards from then on.

Awkward conversations is how it begins, seeking each other out in close environments is where you’re leaded.

You find yourself enjoying the way he talks, listening to what he has to say, the way his face brightens up when he starts talking out of pure interest. You only hope he feels the same way about you, and from the way he often discreetly directs you to take the lead and pick the topic, he does.

In a short span of time, you two are attached from the hip. Inseparable, always doing something, going somewhere, discussing a thing or just laughing. Shy smiles replaced with a Cheshire-like grin, almost ironic considering your school’s name, that’s only a new expression on him that you like to see.

It feels freeing, natural; as the sea sighs, the rain drops hit the surface and the sun shines. Two peas in a pod, thick as thieves, inseparable…

This goes beyond high school and throughout university too, which you’re grateful for. Because times come when you wonder where would you be without him, what would you do without his support; so you thank the stars once again, for having him in your life even today.

Then comes the times you wish you didn’t spend as much time together because the people around are being insufferable. All you want is to hang out with your best friend but half that time is stolen away by the never changing questions. Those who keep asking if you’re together, as an item. As if it doesn’t rub the salt in the already existing wound, it sure makes things unbearable. Getting approached by people you never saw before is no fun, neither is dealing with those who have the audacity to think you owe an explanation about your love life.

“But why? The two of you spend all the time together! Sure you must be in love!”

As if platonic relationships do not exist, surely do you have to love someone in that way to care for them? Loving Tetsu is a case that matters to only you, you’re happy knowing he cares for you, maybe not in the way as you but at the end of the day, the bond is there in plain sight, on your sleeve.

“But you guys would look so good together! Have you given dating a try? I’m sure it’d work out! I understand if you want to keep things a secret but come on, you must have had something going on-“

Stop, stop, stop…

It gets exhausting after a while, showing its signs on you, the irritation high and your nerves are at the edge, he notices it not long after.

After a little persuasion, you spill it all out, ranting about the pent up anger you had bottled all week –month maybe. You don’t notice the way his shoulders slump as you talk and go on about the stupidity of the people. It misses your attention how he talks less than usual that day, even after the mini ranting session. You do, however, notice how he starts to act strange around you. More preserved, and not as chatty as much. Holding his touch and avoiding contact, not going out of his way to approach you any longer. This drives you crazy, hurts a part of you and you worry –what if he has grown bored of me? Did I do something to hurt his feelings? Does he like someone and avoids me to get in their eye? What has happened, what did I do wrong? And goes and goes and goes the worries and the dynamics shift in your friendship.

So with the change of dynamics, you try desperately to hold onto what you once shared. Soon enough it’s you who invites the other to outings.

When your coffee offers are denied, you bring up walks, after that study dates, as he tries to ignore one attempt of alone time, you come up with another and one evening you find yourself asking to go to a party.

Campus parties with him, are interesting, to say the least. It stings when you’re separated, a punch to the stomach when he’s awfully close to those who were flirting with him, a new kind of torture when he keeps his talks with you short at the scene but at the end of the day you always leave, together, and you settle with this too, as you settled with all his love you could get years ago.

Some nights with booze apparent in the air, you don’t bug him with questions but each party gets worse somehow, only makes the distance between the two harder.

One night you snap and let it all out, unlike that afternoon it wasn’t an asked question but an aftereffect of him pushing your nerves and once you begin, you don’t stop, letting the storm out and he just looks at you.

You stop and his gaze stays, face devoid of any emotion and you worry, all the words you’ve said dawning on you and with one last attempt you whisper “Aren’t we friends?”

Voice calm and stern, colder than that icy cocktail you had: We’re not just friends and you fucking know it.

Holding back the tears by the corner of your eyes, you blink once and turn your back, steps set on your way. You can’t recall the last time you’ve walked home alone, without him.

Some time passes, days begin to blur and you try not to dwell on things too much or think about him that much. But the brain is a traitor as much as your heart and you find yourself thinking about him too much to your liking. Not sure whether you want him to find you, you keep an eye out; maybe plan to get out of the eye sight when you spot that messy hair but there’s not much need as he’s never around.

At the same time you’re unaware that this is his way of giving you a break, providing the alone time you needed away from him; as Tetsu tries his best to gather his thoughts and shape the sentences to show how he truly feels, what he actually thinks, he keeps an eye out for you. Even the smallest of smiles on you making his racing heart worse but what lands the final blow is how rarely you smile these days. Knowing he is the reason behind, knowing he causes the weight on your shoulders and the ache in his heart, he wishes more than anything to change this as soon as he can but he is at a loss of words and actions and he hates himself for that.

When the two of you are brought together once again, as fate pushes you from behind like it did years ago, you’re not sure who looks up first. But it is Tetsu who speaks first, not giving you a chance to say anything back, call him names or yell him insults. And as he talks, eyes focused on you, locked into yours, his gaze warmer than ever, his voice nothing like that disastrous night.

“I know I fucked up and ruined the best thing I’ve ever had in my life. I have nothing to blame but myself, I know, but please. Even though it’s selfish of me to ask this… Would you give me a second chance?”

Letting go of the breath you were holding, you prepare to answer him. He doesn’t let you.

“One last chance… To start over? Because that one sentence, as cold as it sounded, had a truth to it. And I- I just can’t do it anymore. I can’t go on and pretend like I don’t have- like I don’t have all these feelings in me. I can’t nod along to your rants about how much you hate the people perceiving the two of us as more than friends. ‘Cause you got to admit. They have a point. Maybe at the beginning, yes... But we’ve not been friends, not for a long while. And you know it too whether you want to say it or not.”

As if spoken without breathing once, considering this is Tetsu that was definitely the case ,he gulps and takes a step forward.

“Will you give me a last chance and let me show you how much I can love you? Free of this ‘just friends’ title. Would you let me take you on dates and make you laugh wide and loud? Not just as your friend but as your boyfriend? As your partner in crime and in life, as Persephone is the pastel queen of hell in the realm of Hades, the sun to my Icarus, the Sodium to my Chlorine?..”

His speech was getting to you until the last sentence, your softened body goes stone cold, hands hanging in the air, Tetsu’s last pleads of “would you let me?”s falling deaf to your ears.

The gears turn quick and he realizes exactly which one of his words could leave an effect like this, be so ridiculous and bring you to a halt.

One of those smug smiles you saw on his face often, he says “What happened, cat got your tongue?”

And your mouse hanging open, all you can do is smack him on the arm, as hard as you can, for that awful salt simile and for using your words on you.

Before you know it, both of you are laughing and the air feels warm once again.

tags: @celosiiaa @boosyboo9206

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theunconcernedembalmer · 3 years

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what’s the issue with elisop? is it just bc you hc aesop as ace? im so concerned by seeing ppl adamantly opposed to mlm/wlw ships but im also genuinely curious about why you dislike it and other lgbt ships so much lol

hmm. that is a strong accusation, n i find it just a bit odd. are you new here? or perhaps you are taking personal offense at my dislike towards a favourite ship of yours and using the lgbt argument as moral high ground?

whatever the case may be, i thank you for asking. if u r truly looking for an answer, its below the cut n it is very very long. mind u these are all my personal opinions n i am in no way policing how others enjoy ships. just in case this wasnt clear; i dont wish to start discourse on this blog, especially since my takes are probably... unpopular.

firstly i would like to address the “disliking lgbt ships” bit, because this has very strong implications in itself. i have nothing against lgbt ships. i enjoy them, even. if the two characters have chemistry between each other, i ship it. however, the moment characterization is broken for the sake of romance, i lose interest. this is generally my stance on ships in general, n this applies for both straight n lgbt ships.

the ships themselves are fine. however, i do have issues with the ship dynamics, so ill let u in on that.

i want to touch on mlm ships in particular; i believe u are familiar with the top/bottom dynamic that is rampant in these kinds of ships? (i wont deny that this dynamic can be found in other types of ships, but for arguments sake i will be focusing on gay ships because i feel that this occurs more commonly here) its such a popular dynamic that is prone to stripping the personality from one if not both characters, only for them to be reduced to being dominant/submissive. for a character to be pigeonholed into a stereotypical category based on... preferred sexual positions? its just downright insulting, never mind the larger more problematic implications of it. top/bottom is not indicative of someones personality, by the way. flattening multi dimensional characters into these stereotypes is so so so insulting.

unfortunately this is The Most Popular portrayal of just about any gay ship around. ive seen it being used everywhere in so many fandoms n it just about becomes apparent to me that ppl come to stories looking for a Ship. not the stories, nor the characters, just a ship. while id like to say theres nothing wrong with that, keep in mind not everyone is just looking for 2 characters that look pretty next to each other. if i ship something, i see interesting n meaningful interactions between 2 characters, which is so often not the case once u bring in the top/bottom dynamic. why is it so popular? because somehow this is what ppl like from a gay ship n hence it sells. ppl want the drama, characterizations be damned. ppl want to see the big kiss that happens in the end, n maybe the sexy parts that come after. characterizations be damned.

so u can say im a little wary of gay ships when they cross my feed. hell, as a joseph aesop shipper i see this trope everywhere n im pretty disappointed as well. small tangent but i feel like this is the reason why zh0ngli n ch1lde is so popular in g3nshin. i try to see the appeal, i really do, but after a long while of analyzing their respective characters i dont think they have as much chemistry as ppl think they do. dont even get me started on how incredibly ooc they make either of these very interesting n unique characters in ship portrayals. all because of the top/bottom dynamic that ppl want to see. i say this for that particular ship, but this is pretty much the case for a lot of ships out there, n the latter part is painfully true even when the 2 characters do have potential between each other. ill say it again im disgusted by the blatant disrespect to the characterizations if all ppl ever want is 2 pretty puppets to mush lips together. cos thats what theyre essentially reduced to this way.

n its so obvious to see when an artist subscribes to this rhetoric, because u can so clearly see it in the way they draw their characters. the “top” generally has sharper features to go with their “dominating personality”, while the “bottom” has disturbingly softer, feminine, dare i say sometimes child like features “to submit”. n thats where the uwu soft gay trope comes from, i believe. which, in case u still dont know, i hate with a burning passion.

so again for ppl with impaired reading comprehension, im fine with ships, including lgbt ones, but the moment u break characterization for the sake of the ship, im not that okay with it. u want to do it for a short crack comic? fine. but if thats the only way ur portraying the 2 characters then im immediately wary of ur content. ill still look at it cos usually the art is really good, but im very very wary. so im not “adamantly opposed”, just very critical of how the ships are being portrayed. if other ppl want to enjoy their ships like that, sure. just dont expect me to join in on something i dont agree on.

now id like to address not shipping “because i hc aesop as ace”. for ppl who are new to the blog (hello there), im an ace in a romantic relationship, so thats definitely not the reason i dont ship elisop. its more of being in a relationship has largely shaped my views towards romance as a whole. even before i met my boyfriend, i hated the romance genre in stories n media. most of it comes off as incredibly forced, especially those love triangles they seem to love putting into teen novels. thats one reason why i stopped reading when i was younger, but i digress.

did i partake in shipping when i was younger? i did. for a gay ship too (if anyone really wants to know, its kurotsukki from haikyuu. at least this was one that i can remember, i was mostly working on my 20 odd ocs for the longest time). i also used to write little short romance ficlets that i never posted anywhere cos i hated (n still do hate) my writing. but writing romance when u dont have experience was really just a way of projecting n probably a way of coping for myself, not that i knew at that time. but after i actually started a relationship with my boyfriend (whom i love n cherish a lot thank u very much), i began to see how much all these have skewed my views towards romance n have actually done some harm to our relationship. the bullshit that the general media feeds u constantly doesnt help in the slightest either.

quick topic shift to elisop in particular (about time, right?). i already stated that i only ship characters if i sense chemistry between the two personalities, n if u have seen the part where i dont ship elisop then u must have seen how agonized i am over not being able to have a concrete personality for eli. that is the main problem i have with elisop: eli does not feel like a solid character to me. n that is a huge problem, because if he doesnt have any defining characteristics besides being mild n nice, then he can be whoever i want him to be. (i have done this in my exorcist comics, i will admit this. n the fact that i can just do that... it really does not sit well with me personally.)

n that is dangerous.

back to young me doing lil ship things. i think its also pretty safe to say when u really do ship 2 characters, chances are u kinda really relate very very hard to at least one of them. that very quickly can turn into projecting, n shipping therefore is not “exploring the relationship between 2 characters” n it becomes “my preferred dating simulator 101″. of course this isnt always the case, but at least it was for me, n subconsciously it might be for lots of ppl too. n since this is ur mental playground, u call the shots, n there is no consequences if u slightly (or even entirely) alter one or both personalities to fit ur desired narrative. n u wouldnt even notice or know, cos ur blind to ur own biasness.

we bring our perceived notions into real life, im sure u know that. so when ur partner does not become that perfect knight in shining armour, or when they get upset at things that u do (which is a very normal thing by the way), n u think (very subconsciously), That isnt what my otp would do, something is wrong here (nothing is wrong, actually its just ur skewed perception of a stable romantic relationship). why wouldnt ur otp do this? because u are both halves of ur otps, there is no hidden secrets between them (apart from the pining part but thats irrelevant), n again they have been altered to fit ur preferred narrative.

a real relationship requires a lot of communication between parties, because newsflash, liking someone doesnt mean that u have to like every single thing they do, they will make mistakes n it will hurt u, n guess what, the reverse is also true. if u do go with absoutely anything that they would do with 0 objections whatsoever, ur not crushing on someone, ur idolizing them, n that power imbalance is detrimental to a relationship. these things are not obvious to ppl, especially when the whole climate is hell bent on getting into romantic relationships by a certain age or some bullshit. communication is key n is pretty much the only way to solve relationship issues, because the other person has a lot that u r not seeing n vice versa. as similar as 2 ppl can be, i doubt u can have 100% the same thoughts on all things. i dont make the rules.

so in ur mental playground u focus on the fluffy parts, maybe there is communication, but rarely is there any meaningful conflict. thats unrealistic, n if u bring that mindset to an actual relationship, thats not going to end well. i say meaningful conflict, because yes, generally u shouldnt have conflicts with ur significant other. but inevitably when ur with each other for long enough, u will realize that there are habits that u must change in order to be with the other person. habits that are harmful to the other person directly, or harmful habits towards yourself that indirectly harm the other person. these are meaningful in a sense that if left alone, it will manifest into larger problems that will harm u, the other person n the relationship as a whole. its meaningful to the relationship.

all these is made even worse if ur neurodivergent. maladaptive coping practices, self sabotaging behaviours, inherent disabilities. all these must be adjusted n addressed. im so incredibly thankful for my boyfriend for being incredibly patient with me when working all these out, n it has not been easy for me to work on myself n all my problems, n im still not done working on them. this aspect is often not explored in romance in general (or properly), n there is a very good chance i would have still been stuck in the unhealthy mindset of “this isnt like my otp, maybe we’re not meant to be”. because loving someone is a choice. no one is made for each other, it is a conscious choice made between 2 ppl to make things work. this is how arranged marriages work, i am told, n i do see the appeal, not that it actually does appeal to me culturally.

special mention to the kurotsukki ship, cos from there i found a very, very good fic that explored their relationship before n after getting together, n it actually showed aspects of this problem in the incredibly slow burn of (at that time) 20+ chapters. it was just one fic (n a very good one at that, i believe it was called Leviticus), but it had a lesson i never thought i needed to learn, n learn it i did, with a lot of help from my dear.

this is also probably the reason why i dont really want to delve too much into romance now. i know its a lot of work, n everything (mostly) that the media feeds u is really false advertising, but ppl eat that shit up n so it remains one of the most popular genres to date. im just very wary that if i do start on a romantic story, i want to be able to show it in a way like that fic did, the truths of relationships, because i dont want to make something that sells, i want to make something that meaningful to me, if a little indulgent. n that also includes being very careful in how the respective characterizations will change in a relationship. almost too careful now that i think about it, but its not something that i mind. i was never one for romance from the start, n now im very careful about shipping because of what happened to me persoanlly.

okay enough about me, lets talk about aesop. in any au u put the character in, the essence of the character must remain despite the change in environment. so lets say we have ur typical modern au. dead mom, check. shitty mentor doing illegal stuff? also check. autistic boy with social anxiety? we’re good to go. all these have implications on aesop as a character, n while ppl are aware of this, again the way they go about portraying it can go, in my personal opinion, very wrong. ppl who immediately woobify aesop completely because he has autism annoy me. ppl who reduce him to uwu soft boi cos he has social anxiety do not know how the disorder really works n as someone who has that i hate it to the core. ppl who do all these for the sake of ship have lost my respect. its insulting.

remember the top/bottom dynamic? not that elisop is completely free from that (even if i dont know much about eli, to put him in either one of those stereotypes feels very insulting to his character. i wont even say anything about doing it to aesop its so upsetting), but its not entirely made up of either. but now i want to introduce another trope i am very wary of, which is “i can fix him”. im sure u guys have seen the meme going around poking fun at this trope (for those who havent, its along the lines of “u can fix him? well i can be his worst nightmare”) n no doubt yall would have seen it n gotten sick of it in some forced hetero romantic bullshit. we have one damsel in distress with a saviour that solves all their problems just by existing n being romo with each other.

remember “my preferred dating simulator 101″? this is not mutually exclusive n from my point of view this is dangerously close to this trope. lets be real, if it was actually a thing that all ur deep rooted trauma magically disappears if someone were to waltz into ur life, we would want it. definitely. no painfully dissecting ur own problems n constantly facing them head on. real life states that this is not the case, but it will not stop us from dreaming. n so this trope is born n lives n will go on.

(finally) pulling aesop n eli into this, at least in my mind, u have one severely traumatized boy with lots of issues n u have this. nice mild guy who can be anything u want him to be. i hope u can see where im going with this, n thats the direction i see some elisop heading towards (i dont read a lot of elisop to be fair). if u came from my eli character talk, i mentioned that it is incredibly one sided. this is exactly what im talking about.

putting it all together in case u havent already, aesop is the damsel in distress, whose problems magically disappear because of elis godly kindness n little to no work on improving himself, n they lived happily n gayly ever after.

can u tell how much that does not appeal to me.

never mind the butchering of character that inevitably happens somewhere somehow, the unrealistically perfect themes n implications of this trope makes me so viscerally uncomfortable. this is, of course, due to personal reasons, n i definitely see the appeal of this dynamic because i would probably have been interested in this once upon a time as well. but as i am now, with everything i have explained up there n everything i have been through, i would politely rather not.

n its difficult to think of another dynamic, because of how little i know about eli apart from him being this saint, which easily makes him a candidate for being aesops trauma panacea. never mind aesop rarely, if ever, does anything for eli as a character in return, n its so damaging to buy into this rhetoric, where a person like this who would solve all ur issues no strings attached exists somewhere in the world. they really dont. a relationship has to be mutually benefitting, or it will be draining n disastrous. maybe u say, Oh its nice to imagine it once in a while. n yeah, i agree, except once in a while is a little difficult to keep track of n that is sort of what happened to me. id rather stay as far away as possible from this kind of unrealistic fantasy, i just got this shit sorted out with myself n my boyfriend.

i have some other reasons, but theyre more personally problematic, so i wont go into them here. but this is mostly n generally why i do not ship elisop romantically. if u do, u do u, and have fun, but again dont expect me to join u. thank u for coming to my ted talk, this took a lot longer than expected.

#mun rambles #its me the mun #unconcerned ramblings #posting this now cos this is a question ive been getting #although this has been worded in the most unnecessarily passive aggressive way possible that i do not appreciate #im wary about all u so called social justice warriors championing this n that liberal idea when all u want to do is stir shit #thankfully i dont have much experience with this but just passively seeing all these ppl run their mouths is getting very annoying #but just know that i will not tolerate any of that bullshit here. because if u really do care about ppl as much as u say u do #then why r u attacking ppl period #ur really just hiding behind a righteous excuse to harm people. thats disgusting. i dont want u here

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philip-seville-archive · 3 years

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BDRP 2021 Resolutions

Write your RPer Resolutions for 2018! (What are some goals for yourself as a writer? Improve descriptions? Plot with more members? Etc.)

A silly goal but I would like another female character lol

More one-shots! I always have these ideas for them but because I let them grow too large in my brain or I feel like I need to turn them into a proper ‘short story’ I intimidate myself out of doing them and then let the opportunity to slide. So this year I hope to fix that and once again be more chillax with myself. (Though here is a shoutout to me bc I published some one-shots last year I was happy about, like Nemo’s “Breath,” Berlioz’s parentage reveal, and my John Darling stuff!)

Do One Task Every Month. Another small but very doable goal

Learn how to say no: ahaha this seems a weird thing to put here but its actually about events and i feel this is a safe space to admit that i love love events but they like, truly take a toll on my arthritic hands which means i really can only do two characters probably. But i feel bad only rping with just two ppl etc esp if other people hit me up, or if there are other people i WANT to rp with, so i end up not doing it at all because i get overwhelmed and feel like no one will believe me about my shitty hands (which is of course silly but man chronic illness anxiety am i right). Sooooo i need to find a better way to enjoy events and manage my own health!

Finish some of the fairy lore stuff i got in the works lol

Write at least one resolution, or “goal,” that you have as an RPer for your character(s)

These vaguely feel like spoilers but oh well i love spoilers

Berlioz: Find His Daddy. Also groove room stuff.

Hades: Pokevolve his emotional intelligence! Also would like to do more Board things with him actually, esp bc he will have to run for office so: focus on his political aspirations

Merida: Integrate into society! She is doing it more but I really hope her friendships with the knights will let her fully embrace herself again. ALSO ALSO alpha Merida!

Charlie: Greater control over his magic and more confidence in himself. We gettin there bb

Ashleigh: Entangle her further with the knights/Henry and eventually reveal she’s a mara bc i would like that for Henry it will be horrifying for him

Nemo: embrace dance as a career option and therefore overcome the systematic factors that have convinced u that u cant! YOU CAN

Jun: Date. (Horrifying for him. Not his goal.) Also just more hijinks, I love love hijinks, would love business-related hijinks.

Olaf: Get more involved on campus!! More uni plots for him would be great esp when it comes to figuring out if he’ll stay on campus after this year (and also like how this affects his friendship with Sindri)

Atta: QUEEN STUFF. This is first on my list so we’re gonna make you happen. Blow up Atta’s life, really make her deal with that imposter syndrome. Love it.

Pip: Put the mortifying fear of being known into Pip. aka open up about his mum a bit with like, someone. Or just admit that the people he says are his enemies are actually his friends.

Write at least one resolution IN CHARACTER for your characters. What do THEY want to accomplish or change in the New Year?

Note that I love seeing which characters echo my goals and which ones don’t at all. It’s just fun and neat. Probably says something about each one’s emotional self-awareness. (Mostly pointing out how Hades is extremely self-aware i love that for him)

TW: weight

Berlioz: Literally nothing. Sorry he just thinks resolutions are stupid and life is pointless (he is in a state).

Hades: Prepare for his election next year, raise his children well, help Belle in her recovery

Merida: Assist King Arthur. Become a good alpha to Alice specifically (not u lou i mean like she is but she’s like that bitch doesnt need me)

Charlie: Reup his certs! Figure out a specialty!

Ashleigh: Revenge against Romeo, revenge against John Darling + company for destroying her tree

Nemo: Get an apprenticeship this year. Work on Hangul. Lose seven stone. Work on wing sprints. Be better son. Be more responsible and help Appa. Get job again? ...Quit dance?

Jun: something nerdy about increasing the overall revenue or something of the market i dont know im not a business person. Also something nerdy about Animal Crossing, maybe he wants to add a new room to his house. Jun’s goals have nothing to do with himself personally.

Olaf: Get involved in uni! Learn more about his talent and practice it intentionally, including how to control it better so he is not overwhelmed in situations like the nightmare fog.

Atta: Help Dot with her apprenticeship!! Learn more stuff about clumsy culture. Pass her petition about water fountains.

Pip: Grow SSIC followers by 100+; grow Spill engagement by 20%; arrange guest speakers for SSIC and maybe help SSIC write a petition together?; get a solo for the spring concert; get a lead role in the summer musical; read 50 books in a year; drink less coffee (he will fail this last one)

List one or more characters you have never interacted with that you would like to do so

Ferb. Technically I did interact with him but it was just ONE gif chat when he first got here and I would like to do more!! I think he’s great, i love all of Sid’s characters!

Bianca: HOW HAVE I NOT RPED WITH BIANCA! I don’t know but I want to. Maybe Merida and Bianca would be interesting bc of RAS things! (Also I have interacted with Kristoff but I want to do stuff with Kristoff and trolls please message me bee if u want to do troll things...i love. them.)

Rita: In a similar vein, I think Rita/Ber or Rita/Pip might be interesting. Pip totally looks up to Rita and sees her as a role model so i dunno that could be cool.

Rose: Whitman: Kit, we need to have Rose and Merida interact. Fighty ladies. I am sure with the knights this can happen!

Pacifica: Hello Lins, Pacifica and Ashleigh should be Best Friends Of Course. I could also maybe see Pacifica and Jun if Pacifica wants to do some kind of business philanthropy for her image etc. Or Olaf and Pacifica! Sounds like a wild time, that.

Tod: Olaf/Tod would probably be very fun, I love Pixie friendships! Also maybe Ber bc i think Ber knows Tod from way back when maybe?

Edward: Z PLEASE. PLEASE. Pip and Edward bc they are from the same movie and no other reason!! But I will also throw literally anyone at him.

Plotting Exercise! Pick one of the resolutions/goals in #2 and plan a rough guideline to how you could accomplish it. Here’s an example.

ATTA’S ROYAL TALENT AWAKENS

Attendy: Atta goes ice skating with Wendy and has to stop bc of a headache and faints on the ice!!!

@: Directly after attendy, Dot panics about Atta’s health and wants her to come clean. They fight!

Full Moon Event: Atta faints again in front of everyone. MARLIN helps heal her and Dot/Sled confesses to Queen Clarion what’s going on.

Clarion/Atta: Oh Honey You Got A Big Storm Coming

#bdrptask

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whx-m · 6 years

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sometimes theres an awkward beat in a conversation when i reference the few years of my life when i was homeless. sometimes its just bc ppl are surprised, or they ever expected someone like me to have been “like that” (aka their perception of a homeless person) but other times i get the impression that im not supposed to talk about it, that its a crude TMI topic.. like im totally shameless for it, it’s not something you’re supposed to admit. its something to lock away and throw away with the past, “move on” and forget.

honestly? im not ashamed at all. i’m truly not, i have no shame in my heart for being on the street and treated like scum. i didn’t allow myself to feel ashamed then when they spit at ground in front of me, i won’t allow anyone to shame me now. i had my moments of feeling totally worthless to the ones i loved and i had my spirals into depression for my situation, but not once would i let anyone make me feel like i was less than human. the beautiful people i met only cemented that in my soul- we were a pure force of energy, human beings pushing their will to live and experience life to the limit of what’s possible. i would never be ashamed of them, or myself by extension.

sometimes people make me feel like im too aggressive about my beliefs- my family likes to think of me as endearingly stubborn and headstrong about my opinions. i’ve had plenty of arguments with my conservative older siblings about gender, military/police brutality, social issues. its hard to make friends, its hard to open up to people- sometimes i feel like my presence is almost threatening to some, or maybe arrogantly direct. people shy away from me. i look people in the eye without any doubts behind mine that i know who i am and what i stand for. i think people take that kind of vibration differently... some are drawn to it and some are repelled.

but there’s this loneliness almost, that elevates everything that happened to me beyond shame. it’s the only time in my life i’ve known many, many others who struggled with that soul-crushing depth of will and claimed their lives for their own. waking up and thinking, how will i survive today? where should i point my feet and walk? and over and over, every moment of the day, every conversation or eye contact, who can i trust? who can i trust? who can i trust? what do they want from me? who are you? constantly measuring and analyzing risks. setting a goal can save your life, hesitation and being idle or passive could kill you.

i’ve never met so many clear, innocent eyes. i’ve never seen such pure kindness in other human beings. people who spread their arms and welcomed me into their world, the one they pieced together with what they could achieve. we all ate, we all survived together again and again, different groups, different towns. people come and going in the process, either to be fed and comforted with love or people returning with even more excess and blessings to share. have you eaten? where are you sleeping tonight? do you know where to go for this? do you know where the nearest bathroom is? do you have anything to trade? here, i know you needed a good pack because your overloaded jansport backpack is killing your back. i traded a map i didn’t need for this old military metal frame pack, take it. it’s not the best, you’ll have to sew this spot up with dental floss, but it’s a start. nah i don’t need anything for it, just kick it down to someone who needs it when you get a better one. have you eaten? it’s going to rain soon, do you have a tarp? hey there’s a feed at the chruch today, do you need directions?

one time, i bought a bunch of hot dogs and bratwurst with my food stamps and took them to the park where everyone else would pass through in the morning and afternoon, usually for the public bathrooms. i started a fire and we cooked them up on the park grills, more people showed up and started sharing their food. a pregnant mom shows up and was so happy to be getting some meat, i cooked up the last of the brats for her and took a walk to the middle of the giant field of grass to sit and get some sun. a little while later she padded out to me with bare feet and sat next to me, telling me how badly she needed some meat and how grateful she was i had shown up to share some, it was just what she needed. i told her that made me happy, im so glad we crossed paths when i had something to give. she handed me a bright turquoise piece of calcite, a mix of blue and green calcite. i’ve never seen such a beautiful color, and i’ve never seen calcite just the same shade no matter how many mineral shows i attend. it was breathtaking in the sun, ill never forget it. she said i couldnt refuse it, to her its a token of friendship. even though we didnt exchange names and i’d never seen her before, or since- she just gave me the stone and told me she hoped it would bring me blessings and left. but it was such a pure gesture, neither of us felt shame in needing food or receiving a beautiful gift. i still treasure this stone.

and thats just a moment in a cascade of kindness and human moments- people who wanted nothing but to build each other and themselves up. we’ll survive this! don’t lose yourself, be smart, be wise about slipping into the comfort of drowning your life out with the vices you can attain. stay alert, stay alive. stay laughing and smiling, show them all how human you still are. look into your heart for what you know you can do, what you can still give. the will it takes to show people love when the entire world wants you out of their sight. these people taught me so much and did so much for each other, an almost overwhelmingly genuine compassion.

i’ll die before i feel a drop of shame for being a part of and witnessing that, that was the closest i ever felt to god. like being on the front lines of a spiritual war- like meeting angels and demons and living among them with nothing but my human will to protect me. being ashamed of that is a joke, what i’m ashamed of is how i now feel like a fat king of my castle, sitting around sort of bored and directionless, isolated and insulated from the war that’s only raging harder outside. trying to spend all this time and energy figuring myself and my life out- time spent on art, stories, fantasies, trying to generate some meaning to my life now. put that tested will to work with what resources i have. but it’s just not as effortless, that will doesn’t flood out of me anymore. how could i be so brave and bright then but so paralyzed and dull now? what’s a shame is that i did more for the world with nothing but my life on my back. it’s hard to feel like i didn’t just spiritually peak early, like my magnum opus already happened privately and now nothing i create will ever be able to compare. maybe to others, but never to me.

#personal/// post #please dont reblog

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ts-nightingaleislands · 4 years

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Episode #12- “Liam: Hey Google, play ambience”- Sara

I got Vincent and Liam as my pool peeps. Vincent was just voted out, and Liam is on the outs right now. Things are looking bright. A lot of people want me for their final 3. All I have to do is make sure that Liam is out next, and then play the immunity idol for myself, and I'll be good! This is so exciting, I've never gotten this far.

Holy fucking shit ! I cant believe I have made it this far in my first ever real org! Idk if I'm being cocky or not but I do feel i have made most the big moves in the game or at least had a hand in them . I think everyone trust me and I'm praying to the tumblr survivor gods that I can keep coming out on top .

Wow! Cannot believe that I've made it this far! I definitely just thought I'd be leaving after Rizo but I guess I'm just surprising myself! With Cheatham and Austin saying they're with me and me admitting to AnnMarie how much I do value her, I do think its optimal for me that one of Liam and Sara goes. Seeing as the plan is to use Liam to get AnnMarie or Sara out, I can only hope Sara is the one to go, but I will not push a single pathway on myself just yet :)

I think a strategy that could help is Perception of Pairs. At the start of merge it sorta made sense. Rizo/me, AnnMarie/Sara, Vincent/Liam, now Austin/Cheatham, then the wildcards Kyle/Noah. I lucked out in mine going first and I think each one has been suffering since...except for 2. This vote I think Cheatham wants to pitch the AnnMarie/Sara thing to get him to vote with us. However, if it works, I need to cover myself in F5 and painting Austin/Cheatham as the last remaining duo is the best shot I think I have. 1 round at a time though!

I really need this immunity win! I know my name is always going around and this is the only way I'll have safety in this game. Hopefully ppl mess up and get to many numbers and cant make a expression . This will be the most hectic tribal so gotta do whatever to win this.

I have a concern for F5...say Liam goes. I truly believe Austin is going to be smack dab in the middle and I can end up being voted. In fact I am more surprised nobody else has picked up on how good he is playing. I can only hope AM does believe it when I say I want to go to the end with her for my own safety's sake but all of it can go wrong if she and Austin are truly close

FUCK SHIT BALLS DAMN IT! i was so close on that win. the one time chris gets one and it fucks me over.... i like chris but i wanna kick him in his nuts right now.Hopefully i can get by this tribal without my name being thrown out again .

I may or may not have gotten Cheatham fully on board to stick with me until the end. I guess Austin didn't keep him all that informed on everything in regards to what happened premerge and so I filled the cracks and I think now I'm wanting to bring Liam and Cheatham to the end so it is easier for me to bring Cheatham, but I feel worried that others and Cheatham too are thinking to bring Liam as an easy win. I'm gonna hold on and hope this can all work!

(LATER)

I lowkey just clockblocked Austin from winning immunity on purpose LOL what's wrong with me

(MUCH LATER)

I have a problem....So Liam goes in F6 right. So what happens in F5? Austin has never voted for AnnMarie. He ALSO did not vote for Sara in F8. What does this exactly? AnnMarie and Sara may feel less compelled to vote him and vote me or Cheatham instead. And it's just...I don't know why my gut is telling me this Liam vote is a bad idea, but I'm gonna see if I can talk to AnnMarie and Sara about it. Cheatham basically fears Liam's a goat to drag and he is but I'm wondering what the smarter move here is for us to do...for me to do tbh

Jesus plz just tell me what to do. Well I won immunity again. Im still scared for what comes next. Everyone is promising F2 but the only one I really want to go with is Chris bc I can trust him and I think I can beat him. As much as I love Austin and I think he is an amazing person! I don't think I can beat him. Plus he is promising EVERYONE a F2. AM told me that she wants a F3 with me, Chris, and her and I'm like YESSSS this is what I want. But AM is also close with everyone,. Basically what I want is to convince AM to take out Sara this week with me, Chris, and Liam. Then after that, we get out Austin, then its easy to take out Liam. Boom, Final 3.Ill probably update tom mwah

Me and Cheatham be trying to flip things a little >8l

According to Cheatham, AM wants an F3 with him and me, I guess telling her I wanted to go to the end with her did WONDERS! I hope! But basically, I don't necessarily want to have my faith fully in her hands in f5, especially with Sara and Austin around, so I am gonna see if Cheatham can propose the plan to vote Sara. Liam is not gonna be hard to convince, but its a question on if AM really wants to do this. I personally would be surprised. If Cheatman's honest about her list being Vincent and Liam, then she has little to gain by not voting Liam out and just getting Auston or Sara out with a BIG MOVE in F5, but let's see if this bridge can hold first

Tea time with Sara So this morning...it was freakishly quiet. Like I'm at a funeral, quiet. So I was like yup...probably my funeral tonight. But THEN... BUT THEN.... I get word that it's ANNMARIE (who PROMISED MANY TIMES that we have each others backs) potentially planning my funeral after this round because she wants to target me or Austin. Apparently she had Vin and Liam on her target list and thinks Liam is going tonight. However, if Liam will just vote with us, I will go to ducking rocks if we have to. I'm annoyed at Cheatham for coming for me, but he's a blessing in disguise because he tells Austin EVERYTHING not realizing that Austin is playing telephone right back to me. Lmfao! So anyways, I'm literally at the point in this game where I'm going to finals with Austin, or I'm not going at all. Every single person in this game has either voted me or mentioned voting me. Also, it's freaking hilarious that for rounds, I've been telling multiple people that AM and Chris are close. Like seriously..it's obvious..whenever AM talks to me, she somehow finds a way to bring up Chris' name. Come on sis. It was the same way with Gwen. She always talked about Chris, so I kept buttering him up to her so she'd stay on my good side before slicing and dicing her right out of the game. Same thing with Cheatham and Austin...but in that case...I'm pretty sure that Austin is actually ride or die with me. Hope I'm not being naive with that. And no, I don't think I can beat him, but it'll KILL me, literally KILL me if anyone but he or I win at this point. ): ^As for that above statement, I don't say this because they're against me...I say this because... -AnnMarie was messaged in the wee hours of the morning and decided to just outright ignore me trying to use the excuse that she was on DND. Cool yeah...but clearly you were scheming against me so I'm pretty sure that wasn't the issue. Don't act weird when you're planning moves....people see that. -Cheatham same thing. Every time he's scheming or knows plans that he doesn't want leaked, he avoids PM's AND alliance chats. Once again, then lie so you don't seem so damn sus. -Liam - "Hey Google, play ambience" - Chris is the real UTR that the oompa loompas don't see. I literally feel like I'd have to vote him but he too has not done much other than have a good social game...but he at least SPEAKS and is good at not lewking sus every time he's aware of a plan. Can you tell that I'm annoyed today? If not, I'm very annoyed. Watch all of this be fake. Or AM actually have me on the target list and I'm the vote. Literally, Idk what's happening anymore in this game. Lmfao! IDK if being in this position is extra fun or extra depressing.

The plot has thickened. It would seem this big plan to vote Sara out has fallen through. So me and Cheatham talked of getting Austin on Sara or AnnMarie and getting Sara voted. Now Austin pretty much went to me after and admitted that Cheatham told him about our F2 and wants me gone in F4/F3. Now, to be completely fair, it is possible he was saving face, but let us also look at the whole idol situation. Austin said Cheatham had Vincent and maybe Sara so he fears. So I did something a little evil

I basically told Austin to tell AnnMarie about Cheatham leaking the F3 she wanted with me/Cheatham/her in it. This builds mistrust between her and Cheatham and in essence makes her more likely to trust me still who is playing dumb as heck. Now the vote's flipped back onto Liam who apparently went to Austin to vote me or AnnMarie. Well! I take it upon myself to say lets just make an F3 with AnnMarie and Austin Into the Unknown we go! If AnnMarie truly wants Austin out to win, she'll choose me over him and if Austin is honest on us going to the end, he'll choose me over her. Cheatham will make a fuss, but I haven't been worried about making people upset since Rizo died so let's see where the wind is going yall

Okay so I'm like really really really really angry. I thought I had an initial final 3 and that everything was going to be fine with them. my thoughts was it was going to be Cheatham and Chris but things got to be stupid and had to Change-Up. so I told cheatham my plan and told him I was solid with him that everything was going to be okay and that we were going to be you know like final 3 and then he goes to Austin and tells him everything I just said. now Austin being the good friend that he is tells me that cheatham done told him and tells me that he's still solid with me and I was like oh my God you're amazing thank you so much you don't know how much that means to me because if it's true honestly Austin is my strongest Ally right now. So forget about Cheatham it's me Austin and Chris now hopefully unless Austin is not being solid and having his own plan but I'm getting the immunity idol tonight which is really really really exciting to me and I really just can't wait I'm using voice chat by the way like voice text thing on my phone so I don't have to type so it's probably mistakes here sorry.

Well, not going as planned. Liam is going home and i told him so hopefully that secures his vote for me in Final tribal. He has aid he’s gonna end them (sara and austin) when he walks out. we will see ig. AM and Austin are playing a scared game tbh. I’m the only one taking risks.

CONF: I still think I’m fucked in this game and idk what to do to help my position here but I think Sara going is the best move for me??

I’m drunk lmaoo msss

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5 votes Liam, 1 vote Chris.

#announcement

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