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red-hood-vigilante · 3 years

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more hbo spn rambles, thoughts, drabbles etc. long long post.

part 1 here

there’s some things i’ve omitted here bc others have already posted about those things, certain headcanons and characterizations and stuff. those posts are in my likes somewhere (and i’ll reblog them someday), and there’s some posts i’ve read but not liked, which i now can only vaguely remember, which is why some ideas/thoughts are similar

ALSO most of these follow the model i talked about in part one: how s1-5 will stay more or less how they are but s6-10 is changed (some things are cut out entirely, some things are tweaked and some characters + arcs are more fleshed out. more focus on sam’s trauma and post-cage adaptation to the real world as well as dean letting his rage and control issues consume him and how he’d recover and redeem himself)

as i typed these paragraphs, i realized i really have 10 seasons mapped out and ready to go. hbo hire me!!

alright go:

sam and dean get wearier as the show progresses (second half), and eventually they stop putting so much care and thought in the people they save. like...hm how do i say this, like as long as a victim/victims are saved, they don’t care about how that happens or how those people suffer potential consequences, like if the victims lose a limb or have their homes burned down because of the monster, then sam and dean don’t really care. they saved your life, now they’ll leave you with your life in potential shambles and not care because all that matters is that they saved your life, not how it is afterwards. they still care about saving that one person, but eventually it pales a little in comparison to a war between heaven and hell, being the vessels etc. ---> saving people becomes less about making sure they’re actually alright and healing from horrific events and more about just making sure they have a pulse before they move on

when angels lose their wings they are either burned off in the actual fall or ripped off of them in their vessels, which leaves pretty nasty scars on the vessel

ed and harry are so young and bright eyed about the whole hunting thing; sam and dean as kids, idolizing it, finding it exciting and intriguing when they shouldn’t. sam and dean try to get them out of the business before they too are too traumatized and desensitized to do anything but hunt. neither sam or dean will say it but they are jealous of ed and harry and their freedom to leave, and hate them for choosing this voluntarily instead of being dragged into it by tragedy

hbo spn is a slow burn. there’s a lot more shots of sam and dean in silence just sitting together after a hunt, exhausted and too tired to move yet. they’re covered in blood and guts on the side of the road after killing or covered with dirt in a graveyard after burning bones, sitting next to the fire, just watching it. the times they park the car and watch the stars? we get to see it.

dean wears rings and the amulet all the time in the beginning, for the first five seasons. the rings vary; first they’re some of john’s old ones and stuff he finds in thrift stores. then later on he begins wearing rings from people they’ve saved/haven’t saved as a keepsakes etc. when he begins his descent to the holy murderer in s6-10 he wears less and less rings. they don’t matter anymore -> symbolically shedding who he was and what mattered to him

the only accessories sam has is a rosary/cross around his neck. he has jess’ engagement ring in his pocket/wallet. after the cage he vaguely remembers why the ring was there and who jessica was (more on this further down)

the four horsemen are manifestations of different aspects of human nature at its most grotesque and strongest, can’t be killed as long as humans live. war is conflict, famine is desire, pestilence is physical and mental illnesses.

(the seven sins are like the horsemen, tulpas of human nature instead of demons)

death isn’t a concentration of an existing aspect of humans as much as it is the end of life, the antithesis of life. death the oldest of the horsemen and has existed since the beginning of any life, organism, cell and atom. the opposite of life and light, the other half of god (as i’m typing this i’m confused as to why amara was the opposite of god instead of death). death isn’t evil or good, remains 100% objective. doesn’t care for sam or dean at all, but has a begrudging respect for their stubbornness and entertainment they provide due to their flat out refusal to do as they’re told by celestial bodies when anyone else would crumble

by including death i feel like it very naturally begs questions of who decides when someone dies, when someone lives, why would death follow these guides instead of reaping whomever whenever, what happens if a life isn’t reaped at the right time etc. the reader in me adore the idea of death having a library with books and records of everyone who has ever lived and died and how they died - but then, who writes these books and why? do they decide, and if in that case, how? these questions are above my paygrade but you know what i mean? like there has to be some sort of system right, god created everything, death executes to maintain order, some third party deity writes the laws and the books. the three branches of government. ok but it’s hbo so again, i think we shouldn’t dive this deep into things, like as much as these topics intrigue me i don’t want to stray too much from the dirt road trip aesthetic

shapeshifters are extremely rare because they don’t require any kind of human blood or organs/sacrifice to live

i want more exploration of how magic is like science, like it just needs the right ingredients and right conditions. sam thinks of magic as an obscure branch of science; it just requires research and knowledge and clear intentions because science can be controlled and do a lot of good when used responsibly. dean doesn’t like it. he doesn’t trust the unpredictable elements and he’s seen enough to know it never goes well. magic is a force that can’t be controlled by anyone.

sam and dean have full on fist fights regularly. to practice and keeping each other sharp, but also because they’re siblings. they’re feral, insane and unhinged with each other and they get on each other’s nerves A LOT. it’s petty and childish and sometimes it can get a lil ugly but it becomes their way of family therapy. after a fight the next scene cuts to sam and dean with ruffled clothes, nosebleeds and swollen lips at a diner eating silently after beating each other up. either they sit in silence because they’re tired or both are harping on the other’s openings and weaknesses

sometimes they’ll fight a little dirty but they do so in different ways; dean will pull the old ‘look!’ and point to something and then tackle sam when he turns to look while sam will just cry out in fake pain which makes dean stop dead in his tracks before sam headbutts him or kicks him in the groin

we, the audience get used to these fights, they’re sometimes funny and for comic relief, sometimes for narrative purposes (like tricking a monster they’re fighting each other when they’re really not) BUT. then comes the times when sam and dean are actually fighting without holding back and we see how much they are capable of hurting each other or how heartbreaking and difficult it can be to watch when of them are incapable of fighting back/doesn’t defend himself -> swan song when dean doesn’t fight back against possessed sam, or when dean beats soulless sam unconscious

sam and dean also just verbally bully each other constantly but they do have their odd ways of expressing affection and care. they get the other person their fave snack whenever they go grocery shopping without being asked to and are the only other one they truly trust to have their back in hunts. have a cup of coffee ready before the other asks for one. brothers and each other’s best friend. nightmare duo but in a sweet way. the cooperation of ‘the usual suspects’ when they’re in different interrogation rooms but still has the cover story down to a t. code words and code names and cover stories, they know it all

when sam and dean fight together against a common enemy they’re a damn nightmare - because they know each others weaknesses and habits, they cover each other perfectly and in complete silence. they’ve been at it together since they were kids and read each other’s nonverbal cues like a picture book

to build off of what i said in part 1; the winchesters are pretty hated in the hunter’s community. even the people sam and dean frequently work with (bobby, ellen, jo, ash, rufus, bela, kevin, charlie, castiel etc) roasts them all the time and don’t hesitate with calling them out on their self-pitying crap when it get’s too much (spn was just objectively better when characters weren’t afraid of dragging sam and dean through the mud for being selfish and stupid) and this WILL persist in hbo spn. the only reason people continue working with sam and dean is because they know deep down a lot of the things that happens aren’t sam and dean’s fault - but they still blame them for it. doesn’t make it easier how sam or dean sometimes start crap on purpose to save the other

the winchesters are terrifying and people for sure tell stories about them, but not like ‘they’re heroes’, more like ‘they’re insane and dangerous. stay the fuck away from them’. some stories are true, like how they’ve worked with demons, but some are just game of telephone. (dean has apparently a ghost he is frequently possessed by while sam is actually a mutant vampire). hunters hate and are scared of the winchesters. sam and dean are never invited to hunter stuff (burials, memorials etc) but crash them nonetheless even though the hunters do NOT want them there.

you know what drives me insane when i think about it? how some characters in spn already are their hbo spn counterparts; john. mary. adam. maybe kevin?

other things that already are their hbo spn counterparts: dean throwing away the amulet right in front of sam. eyes burning when angels are seen. how ghosts are just tragedies, stuck in a loop they can’t leave. how a lot of the monsters they meet are just victims or their circumstances or the first victim of a curse. the impala being sam and dean’s home. dean not knowing how to comfort sam when he’s upset other than trying to do things for sam that usually brings dean comfort (driving the impala, listening to rock music etc). the roadhouse. heaven being an eternal version of the memories that made you the happiest even though it’s not real. sam wanting independence and freedom but never fully having it. dean fearing being alone more than anything else and that’s where he always ends up. sam has an eating disorder after the demon blood and dean has an alcohol problem he refuses to see as a problem. dean saying “i’d do it again” without an ounce of regret and pouring himself a drink when sam tells him it was fucked up to lie to him about gadreel

the demon/angel hybrid: THIS could be sooo interesting to explore. an angel and demon hybrid are you kidding me?? not to toot my own horn too much but i’m so clever. i should write this story myself. SO. does this creature have parents who fucked in their vessels or was this an experiment by god (yes i love the ‘mad scientist’ idea, that really should’ve been played up way more) or did a pre-existing creature (human or otherwise) drink demon blood and angel grace at the same time so that it created itself? so much potential for some really intriguing storytelling and character exploration - not only the creature itself and what they would be like, but also for the people around; sam, dean, castiel, jack etc. how would they react to this thing that is the very definition of defying heaven and hell and all the natural laws? does it exist before the show starts or will we see its birth?

the powers of the demon/angel hybrid would be tricky; a mix of holy and defiant, grotesque and beautiful. unconsciously forces people to tell the truth when talking to them. poisons whatever they touch. eyes of a demon, wings of an angel. can smite but skin will burn when touching iron. can do deals but will require a sacrifice in return, not a soul, usually a body part taken then and there (the hybrid eats it. it favours eyeballs and the liver - angels like raw meat). lights always flicker. makes things explode when angry (esp people and cars). can manipulate feelings, thoughts and memories. can travel to both heaven and hell, not welcome in either places. + standard stuff like telekinesis, teleportation, mind reading, super strength etc.

sam and dean’s wardrobe are pretty much the same; whatever’s cheap and not covered in blood. however, they do have stylistic differences. sam thinks graphic tees are funny, dean uses whatever’s black combined with john’s leather jacket. their wardrobe melds as they stop thinking of themselves as individuals and more of ��me and my brother,”. their clothes are tattered and torn to shreds all the time. hand me downs, hand me ups. when they stray off their “path” and do things that are the crux of a storyline/character arc, this would reflect in their clothes. when sam is with ruby and becomes more and more “evil” he wears more and more red, a colour he has stated in the past he doesn’t really like. when dean is dead, sam starts to wear his rings and john’s and dean’s leather jacket. when dean decides he’s going to say yes to michael he dresses in white, when sam is dead dean takes off every piece of jewelry except the amulet. he holds it clenched in his fists when he’s whispering what comes close to a prayer

logically the amulet should have a backstory but you know what? i love that it’s hinted to be just a piece of cheap jewelry sam found in a thrift store he decided to give to dean. but narratively it should be explained so... idk. what could be logical solution as to why it would react to GOD himself? maybe god wore it once cuz he thought it was neat but he sold it for three dollars because he wanted coffee and then sam found it a week later

i would prefer it if god didn’t show up at all (absent father number one) but if he DID he’s not all powerful just a true neutral (like death, 100% objective) who created a thing that just took a life of its own, much like a parent and a child - the parent helps the child but can’t control it. the times he did intervene or tried to do something it didn’t really have any real long lasting effect so he gave up on trying a while ago.

@spneveryseason talked about this, how the storyline of sam being possessed by gadreel would be horrifying if we saw everything from sam’s perspective instead of dean’s (her fic is wonderful). in the ‘dean slowly descends into a righteous murderer to become holy’ idea i have this tracks so damn well because again, if dean believes something is right, it is right, no questions about it. everyone around him is like “that’s really fucked up and you should make amends” but dean doesn’t see any reasons for why - sam is alive isn’t he? and seeing it from sam’s pov would really underline how horrifying, dehumanizing and belittling that experience was

john and mary are adam and eve. sam and dean are cain and abel are michael and lucifer. time is a flat circle. history never stops repeating itself.

sam is the villain of s4. he is manipulated and key information is withheld from him but in the end... would it made a difference? it crossed his mind, that he could be tricked because ruby is a demon after all, but maybe he likes the power, the feeling of freedom, that he wasn’t just the baby, the one who always needs permission to do things. if he has to drain possessed people to get that power... so be it. and it’s for a good purpose, until it isn’t. he’s hungry for more, to be feared and respected. he’s enticed by lucifer’s sweet words, the potential of all that power and the idea of ruling two out of three realms. dean manages to pull him back from the brink because sam decides he doesn’t want to be what john thought he was and fail dean and himself like that.

dean is the villain in s9. he is controlling, the mark of cain without the mark. what he says goes - it’s not a democracy, it’s a dictatorship. he doesn’t see how much pain, doubt and fear he causes the people around him. if some victims or civilians die on his watch that doesn’t matter - just some collateral damage. sam can’t make dean listen to him because dean is the older one, the one who’s always called the shots. dean is the angelic one, heaven’s chosen warrior, he is untouchable and unkillable. he’s is an excellent killer, filling the void with blood and rage which is better than the crippling fear of loneliness carved into his bones. 'i butcher for love, to protect,’ he tells himself. ‘why shouldn’t i exterminate, regardless of the cost? i’ve followed the rules, i’ve always sacrificed. now i call the shots. it’s my right.’

sam’s hell trauma is never magically removed. he’s stuck with the memories and the nightmares and the occasional hallucinations. castiel can’t do anything but offers to wipe his memory completely, but sam says no, he is still doing penance.

after dean comes back from hell he starts calling himself old man and jokes a lot about he’s 40 years older now (after he’s more comfortable about speaking about hell)

when sam comes back he feels ancient (he’s over 900 years old at least but he lost count), weary, tired and so so so out of place in this world. he’s forgotten how to put gas in a car, how to drive, how to use a credit card, all the song lyrics he and dean used to yell together, the faces of people he knew before he fell, the softness of a bed, the schools he went to, most of the hunts he and dean, how john died, who mary is, the initials carved into the impala, the taste of food that isn’t raw meat. it’s so much he’s forgotten that he has to relearn. he prefers figuring things out with castiel instead of dean because castiel doesn’t silently resent him for everything he’s forgotten

sam doesn’t laugh anymore. despite dean’s many and castiel’s few awkward attempts, it’s more like quick smile and a quiet “hmm”. on some days he recoils when he sees blood and guts, on other days he’s so apathetic it’s unnerving

sam sympathizes with the brought back mary and castiel more than ever. dean tries to get sam to remember things he’s forgotten from his childhood but sam can’t connect with it anymore. he stopped being that sam a long time ago. dean doesn’t know what else to do than try to force this connection to be revitalized and he fails. sam isn’t that person anymore and this wedge in their relationship becomes a central factor in dean’s s6-10 desperation and isolation. sam is here and safe but it’s not really sam, not the sam dean grew up with

while sam has forgotten how to make coffee, he now knows everything about angels, effective torture tricks, a bunch of lore + biblical history, how to navigate hell, the most powerful and influential demons, rare and powerful spells as well as perfect enochian (he will speak enochian without realizing and it feels more natural than english). lucifer and michael were surprisingly talkative (raging about the unfairness) when taking their anger and hatred out on sam and adam and each other. sam had access to all of lucifer’s memories and knowledge for the time he was the one in control. walking library and encyclopedia of biblical lore.

he still has some muscle memory from hunting and sparring, but sam is ghostly thin and very rusty. even though he’s an expert on lore, he’s not fit to go on hunts anymore and he knows it.

sam remembers adam and swears he’ll try to get him out, but he can’t. just thinking about the cage makes him vomit. he can’t talk about it, much less go near it. after a while sam thinks it might be better to let adam stay down there than let him come back up and feel this crushing emptiness and loss of direction

sam’s trials take place in s9 instead of 8; coinciding with dean’s villain arc. for sam the trials are a chance to redeem himself again, this time for good by closing hellgates forever. they’re scrubbing him clean of the demon blood and his sins and they give him a sense of purpose again now that he can’t join hunts anymore. it doesn’t matter if he dies because of it. it would be nice with a permanent and peaceful death that did something good. dean is taken aback by sam’s devotion to repent for something that happened years ago and for something sam has already paid for a thousand times over. dean realizes how messed up he himself has become and how he’s helped put sam here, on the cusp of self sacrifice again because of sickening guilt and self hatred. dean begs sam to not complete the trials at the cost of his own life and swears he’ll better himself, be a friend and a brother, not a jailer, dictator or a murderer. ‘if you won’t give yourself or life another chance, please give me one.’ ---> s10 pacifist dean learning to let go of the control, the violent tendencies and the rage

oh wait what if gadreel still possessed sam after the trials to heal him but sam is the one who invites the angel in? he’ll keep his promise to dean about staying alive, as well as heal from the inside and have breaks from the world when he doesn’t want to be present, like he and gadreel will alternate being the one in control. he keeps it a secret from dean and helps gadreel imitate him so dean won’t notice. it’s not so bad, being possessed by this angel - sam can say no anytime and gadreel is a nice guy. since they alternate on who’s present they can access each other’s memories, which is terrifying and embarrassing at first, but since gadreel and sam have been tricked and used by lucifer and been punished for it for far too long, they understand each other. now another creature knows their trauma and terrors without the need for verbal explanation. also having an angel residing in his body makes sam feel like he can hunt properly again because gadreel can heal him and take over in situations sam’s overpowered. this could show how messed up sam has come to view himself and his body.

dean is conflicted when he finds out; sam lied but gadreel does help sam heal, sam’s traumatized and his self-worth is fucked up and dean has contributed to that. dean convinces sam to push gadreel out, that sam is still valuable, loved and a good person who shouldn’t be in a place where he views his body and mind like a property to be occupied. sam’s faith begins to come back bit by bit, not in god, but in himself, his brother, in the good things in life. they build their little family; sam, dean, castiel, the hybrids, whomever of their allies that are alive at this point.

castiel can heal sam and dean’s wounds but they are never completely gone; they leave scars and phantom pains. the brothers have SO many scars over the years. dean flaunts them to impress people because he likes the questions and the fearful admiration, the attention and the nods of approval. sam hides them.

when dean is in a bad mood or needs to get his mind off of things, sam just drops something like ‘i don’t get the deal with led zeppelin. one of the most overrated bands of all time’ and dean will go OFF every single time about the entire led zeppelin history, their discography and how they’ve shaped rock music. this will go on for hours and sam will zone out after 1 minute. but dean rants nonsensically the entire drive and it does get him to think about something else for a little bit. they stop at a motel and dean is STILL ranting while brushing his teeth. stops when going to sleep but without fail picks up where he left off the morning after and is so into it he doesn’t notice sam not paying attention at all. we could see this once in s1 when they’re searching for john, another in s3 when dean is anxious about his deal coming to an end and then again in a later season, when sam doesn’t remember to ask/doesn’t have the patience or mental capability, so they’ll sit there in tense silence, showing how much they’ve changed.

---> i can see this SO clearly in my head, how they’ll get in the car and we, the audience, will recognize the camera angle, the same lines and dean’s grumpy mood, and we’ll anticipate what comes next. but sam isn’t that kid anymore and he’s not peeking at dean to gauge what his mood is and how much of a shit eating grin he should wear when being an annoying little brother to cheer dean up. now he’s looking out the window, leaned back, they’re not looking at each other. this shot is a minute or two long, uninterrupted. dean turns on music but neither are singing along or doing anything to lighten the mood.

s1-5: sam gets hooked on demon blood, dean has an alcohol problem. when sam goes through withdrawals, dean decides to quit drinking and joins him because he wants to be supportive, and he realizes that when he drinks two beers for breakfast there’s a problem

s6-10: sam takes painkillers, anti depressants and anti psyhosis meds to numb himself from the phantom pains and reduce post-cage effects. dean started drinking again after sam jumped and still does, but started smoking in addition because he still drives a lot and doesn’t want to die in something as pathetic as a car crash.

there a scene in an episode in the first half of s8, when sam has decided to stay with dean instead of amelia, and dean has rejected benny in favor of sam, and then the brothers sit in a couch watching tv while drinking beer and neither of them look particularly happy about it - that’s how their relationship is a lot of the time. they know they’re fucked up and neither of them will ever be truly happy when the other’s around, but they owe each other so much and they don’t have to explain themselves to each other the way they do to others. they know each other so well, each other’s traumas and the things they’ve done, it feels fake and exhausting to try to be something other than the veteran hunters they are. misery loves company; they are miserable together but would be far more miserable apart and living a normal life. they do love each other, but neither of them are particularly happy as the show progresses. family is hell and so is the lack of it.

OK OK i mentioned it in part one, how i had my own very specific idea about how jack should come to be and here it is. long winded but (might just write a damn fic):

after lucifer was cast back into the cage, he is stronger than he has been in a long time (being in his true vessel helped him stretched muscles he forgot he had. and fresh air.) sam is pulled out of the cage and it leaves a rift in the magic and chains - the binding is weaker and lucifer must act fast to get out before it heals. the cage is still strong enough to hold two archangels, so lucifer has to become weaker somehow to slip out through the cracks. he can’t get out of the cage, but souls can come in. demons bring themselves and human souls as tools for lucifer to use. there’s not much he can do here - consuming them, eating them, touching them, dissecting them doesn’t give him what he wants

eventually lucifer realizes he must do like azazel and create something new of two halves, like when he created demons. he begins melding his archangel grace with a human soul. he tries with demons, but his archangel grace automatically purifies them and leaves them too weak. he must try with a human soul who is good. he finds the soul of kelly kline, who sold her soul to save a loved one. with her, the merging, works.

he has another self, a twin, a son, who’s half human and half archangel. half lucifer. the old lucifer will die but that’s ok, his desires, presence and self will live on in his new creation. the new lucifer barely makes it out of the cage, only able to due to its human side. on earth it creates a body for itself and takes shape, no longer a form of pure power and energy akin to the sun itself but now a person, reminiscent of kelly kline on earth and lucifer in heaven. they name themselves jack. jack searches for familiarity and finds it in sam, their old self’s perfect tool and another hybrid. jack finds a mentor in castiel, a younger brother and fellow angel with human elements. they do not find anything in dean, the key to his former self’s doom.

jack’s powers: their powers are like and unlike the angels because he is half archangel. jack has wings but sometimes they don’t work, or they’ll end up somewhere else entirely. their body is their own, not a vessel, so jack can’t possess people. doesn’t talk but people “know” what they’re saying or want because jack emits their emotions and thoughts to people they’re talking to like a radio tower. jack can also have this empathic connection and communication with animals. his mood affects the weather. immortal. reads minds. can remove a soul from a body and send it to heaven/hell by touching it, with practice they don’t need to touch a body.

other stuff about jack: the human/archangel nature means jack only need sleep and food once a week or so. eats only nougat and raw meat. because jack is a kid they nap a lot. levitates when sleeping. never blinks, stares intensely at everything. their eye colour changes based on their mood. eyes glow in the dark. normal humans who look at jack for too long experience memory loss, fainting spells or migraines and eye contact for more than 10 seconds give vivid hallucinations of their worst nightmares. always barefoot, often floats like 10 cm off the ground because they find it more enjoyable than walking. wears the wildest clothes they can find, nothing matches and nothing is weather appropriate

i have a very specific image of jack in my mind; they look like delirium from the sandman comics with the hair that looks like it’s underwater and the fishes floating around their head, here and here are examples. in live action this would look not good or maybe even ridiculous for sure but in animation... endless potential for angels and monsters to have super interesting designs sigh

castiel’s arc should end with him going from blind soldier, to the unwilling ruler of heaven, finding a place on earth with sam and dean, becoming closer with humanity and eventually a father of three (the hybrids).

#hbo spn #sam winchester #dean winchester #supernatural #iben spoke #ok i'm tired of looking at this now #i just needed to get these thoughts out of my head to get some peace and quiet #more character centric than part 1 #and it turned into such a long post.... jesus #i should make a separate post for post cage sam headcanons #ana if you see this i'm so sorry to drag you into this mess but i wanted to give credit where credit is due

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michaelmilkers · 5 years

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I saw in one of your tags that you mentioned how 21 pilots made emo pretentious and im actually curious about why you say that (not hate i just never knew about them that much)

my friend you have asked me about a topic i am very knowledgeable and very angry about so prepare yourself for what you have wrought

it isnt just twenty one pilots but theyre just the biggest and most popular example

like. take my chemical romance in the early-mid 2000s aka the peak of emo. it was very melodramatic and theatrical, the way emo should be. there was a presence of “we are not like other people” in a lot of the songs, but it was never just that. it was more of a “we have been cast out and we kinda suck but thats okay.” one of the best examples of this is, ironically, i’m not okay.

take, for example, the opening to the mtv music video:

[Ray] You like D&D, Audrey Hepburn, Fangoria, Harry Houdini and croquet. You can't swim, you can't dance and you don't know karate. Face it, you're never gonna make it. [Gerard] I don't wanna make it, I just wanna...

this immediately establishes the song as being about social outcasts and people who dont fit the mold. the fucking tag line of the song is “i’m not okay” ffs, that really tells you all you need to know about the song. but the important thing is it doesnt take itself too seriously either. the music video takes place in a private school, and shows scenes of the band members eating lunch alone, being bullied by jocks and preps, etc., but it ALSO shows scenes of frank putting swim goggles on in chemistry class and ray drawing on his test with a crayon and then licking it, and at the end they all ambush and beat the shit out of a guy in a mascot costume. all of this is cut up by text saying things like “if you ever felt alone” “if you ever felt wronged” “if you ever felt anxious”

do you see the juxtaposition here? the music video could very very easily be a fake deep bullying psa, but its not, because while theyre getting bullied and playing their music in a garage they are also, unequivocally, total fucking losers for obvious comedic effect. it is a very exaggerated and lighthearted version of real phenomena, which makes it more relatable to a wider audience.

the same can be said about the song itself. it has some pretty heavy and angsty lyrics (”i’m not o-fucking-kay”) but the instrumentals are punchy and energetic and catchy and gerard’s vocal delivery is very theatrical but also very deliberate and he still puts real emotion in the words. it sounds like its taking the piss out of not being okay, which is exactly what i as a clinically depressed 13 year old needed, and i bet a lot of other people can say the same. i’m a loser and thats okay. i fucking suck in school and thats okay. i feel shitty and thats okay. i’m not okay and that, in itself, is okay.

with twenty one pilots, on the other hand, there is no theatrics, theres no taking the piss, theres no over-the-top melodrama that made emo what it was.

take, for comparison, the opening lines of heathens:

All my friends are heathens, take it slow Wait for them to ask you who you know Please don't make any sudden moves You don't know the half of the abuse

and this presents, immediately, one of my biggest criticisms of twenty one pilots: their rampant appropriation of mental illness.

because my first thought when hearing this is as an abuse survivor and someone with ptsd they can kiss every single square inch of my ass.

Welcome to the room of people Who have rooms of people that they loved one day Docked away Just because we check the guns at the door Doesn't mean our brains will change from hand grenades You're loving on the psychopath sitting next to you You're loving on the murderer sitting next to you You'll think, "How'd I get here, sitting next to you?"

they try to do the same kind of nuanced poetic lyrics that my chemical romance did and in my opinion is just doesnt fucking work because they take themselves SO. FUCKING. SERIOUSLY. it sounds JOYLESS.

and the song closes out with this:

Why'd you come? You knew you should have stayed (It's blasphemy) I tried to warn you just to stay away (Away) And now they're outside ready to bust (To bust) It looks like you might be one of us

this is what i mean by pretentious. there is a clear separation of the person/people from whose point of view the song is told and the people the song is meant to be listened to by from the greater population, but theres no high energy or comedic self deprecation to counteract it.

now take some lyrics from heavydirtysoul, a song i actually really like the sound of, im not just shitting on this band bc its not to my taste yall:

There's an infestation in my mind's imagination I hope that they choke on smoke 'cause I'm smoking them out the basement This is not rap, this is not hip-hop Just another attempt to make the voices stop

Nah, I didn't understand a thing you said If I didn't know better I'd guess you're all already dead Mindless zombies walking around with a limp and a hunch Saying stuff like, "You only live once." You've got one time to figure it out One time to twist and one time to shout One time to think and I say we start now Sing it with me if you know what I'm talking about

right back at it again with that appropriation of mental illness symptoms! and some dumbass critique of our generation that doesnt fit in with the rest of the song at all, closing out the verse with “we are not like you” shit. the vocal delivery at least has more energy than heathens, but the lyrics just feel like a mishmash of different points theyre trying to make that have nothing to do with each other.

the best line of the song is undoubtedly “death inspires me like a dog inspires a rabbit” but its poetic just... for the sake of being poetic? its one of those lyrics that sounds like someone came up with and was like “bro we gotta put that in a song” but then couldnt actually figure out how to fit it into a song in a way that would flow. another example of this is “i cant drown my demons they know how to swim” in bring me the horizon’s can you feel my heart. not shitting on bring me the horizon, i really like sempiternal, but thats another line thats just poetic for the sake of being poetic. and to be put on t-shirts. i know this because when i was 12 i had a shirt that said “i cant drown my demons they know how to swim” on it.

i could do more analysis on other mcr songs, namely welcome to the black parade and famous last words, but i would be here for literal hours and idk if people actually care that much.

to sum my points up:

they take themselves too seriously. they appropriate and romanticize mental illness (forgot to mention that top’s website, at one time, described their music as “schizoid pop” lol). they pull a lot of “We Are Not Like Other People..,.,.,,...” shit.

that last point is not inherently a bad thing, for example the new slipknot album is literally called “we are not your kind” but the song that contains that line as a lyric is all out life, and corey taylor is screaming that entire song and the instrumentals are reminiscent of speed metal with how fucking energetic they are. its edgy and its GREAT. twenty one pilots just sounds like they think theyre the shit.

also, and i want you to read the following sentence in a bass boosted voice to best understand how i feel when i say this:

the twenty one pilots cover of cancer is an embarrassment that completely misses the point of the original song and changed it into a weird amalgamation of lo-fi synth pop.

emo music is dead. thank u and goodnight.

#Anonymous

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jangyeevns · 5 years

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plot with me pt. 2

ok so listen up ! i’m being bombarded with inspo from my favourite songs at 3am — well, now 4am on the dot as of posting this — and. for the love of god, i need some chill people to cry over these four or five songs with before doing some cracked or angsty shit, sO ! ( again, sideblogs are over at @dimclos, @perihelicns and reintroducing @froshics for your own discretion and the first part — bc apparently these are gonna be a series now so be prepared to Block at any given moment if, or When, i start spamming y’all gjlsdf — is here )

i’m gonna say it again before diving in, miss hyunmi is itching to be used ! as is dayeong ! give me chaos for one and angst for the other, please and thanks

“ like slow disappearing ” — turnover: aka a fucking Beautiful track that chokes me up for whatever reason if i’m focusing on the lyrics too much, dk why. so it’s assumed that the song is about an acid trip, which. fucking makes sense, honestly. and i thought it’d be cool to do a lifelong best friends checking off their college to-do lists type of thing, where they’re just chilling at either a small gathering at someone’s house or by themselves and both take a hit; one hasn’t done it before and wants to Rebel by giving it a try with their best bud, but gets a little apprehensive before being coaxed into it. i’m more interested in what happens after, mostly bc a bitch wouldn’t know the exact ramifications of its effects and i’d rather not butcher it fgsdlkgfj but the (pre-)chorus always struck me as a realization of sorts, so maybe some romantic thoughts bloom from it for one or both of them, and we get underlying awkwardness, further attachment, messy antics bc they rarely — if ever — saw each other That way and they’re at a loss for how to go about it...... idfk sdfljdfl but i always get some kind of 90s vision in my head with that song for whatever reason, so think of it like some teen drama/movie from back then in how lax it’d develop and all that

“ 7 ” — catfish and the bottlemen: honestly, any catfish song deserves a plot to be based upon it, probably gonna add another later dsgfklgfdj but this would be good for my idol/actor muses or even some of my kids on dimclos. song’s about a long-distance, and at-present on the rocks, relationship involving a travelling rockstar, someone who’s overwhelmed by the occurrences in their life and kind of wants the world to stop so they can have some time to themselves. the love is there, but it’s just not working like they’d hoped and it’s a back and forth of ignoring the other’s calls to sever the tie just a little quicker, to wanting to hear their voice and hold onto the relationship for dear life. and connecting it to another song of theirs...

“ homesick ” — catfish and the bottlemen: the balcony is such a good album guys, goD. anyways, it serves as more clarification behind the strain; glimpses of jealousy and arguments because they don’t communicate and their professional lives push these things further — one works day to night by practicing and performing in front of a crowd and being almost too drained to meet or talk, the other likely has a 9-5 or a more friendly schedule and takes out their frustrations and own feelings of neglect by flirting with coworkers, customers, whoever. though it never goes beyond that. but they never divulge their hurt, so the other can’t begin to understand. at the end of the day, it was all initially thought to be smooth sailing and if anything, beneficial for both, because being on tour or overwhelmed by promotions means building the musician up to do better by their s/o on all fronts. but it ends up with them making one another feel unwanted and upset more than loved

“ patience ” — river tiber: basically a slow burn plot lfgdksjgfsd classic muse meets muse a party or a club, or somewhere supplying alcohol, and both take an interest — but one’s pretty much enamoured already. problem is, one that persists as time goes on, they don’t know how to act, thus they don’t breach the line of subtle interest just to save face for a Good while. it’s not in their usually confident character, it puts them off and it surely makes them look cowardly — meanwhile the other muse is thiS close to just acting on impulse to get the point across that they’re into Them, but they’re also confused as all hell by the mixed signals being sent their way. basically give me a disaster pairing that’s a lot cuter and aggravating in action than it sounds in the song ( bc he has a penchant for making everything minimalist and moody.. bless him but Please sgjlg )

“ ruthless ” — the marías: rich best pals separated by circumstance leads to years of not seeing each other and soon not speaking either. so come some gala where all their pompous mutuals friends have come together, they bump into each other as mid-twenties versions of themselves and catch up. maybe one had a crush on the other for some time before they lost touch, maybe they had a brief fling and buried its existence mentally for the sake of their friendship long ago, but Something resurfaces and. it just goes from there slgkdjgfd. if we’re being true to some aspects of the song, then one or both could’ve been arrogant and spoiled when they were younger, only for one to remain as such as time went on — only more independent. the other likely blossomed to be more charismatic and polite in comparison, though they still understand each other fairly well, almost as if they’ve hardly changed since time has passed them by. idk if this makes sense anymore gdsflgjdf but clueless seemed too much like the framework for 7 + homesick, and i Love the marias so

“ pressure ” — the 1975: having quietly dated since before one muse pursued a career in the entertainment industry, the two are slowly adjusting to the performer’s steady rise in popularity and what it means for them if — or rather when — their relationship goes public. the pressure mounts on both of them as they come to terms with these unspoken, impending expectations; the non-celebrity especially fears a shake in their humility alongside their awareness of the gaze of the public bound to be upon them, their privacy — and what remains of the performer’s — soon to be impeded upon. however, they can bask in the comfort of each other as they navigate the trials of being in a professionally mismatched relationship, and one for millions to observe as they please. so.. basically just a basic non-celeb/celeb relationship, but really showcasing the insecurities that can come with it, the overwhelming nature of being a nobody to one of the top searched names of the day, etc

#wp #yes i'm annoying i Know #DKSGFJGSDFL #anyways im gonna crash but i'll save a couple of opens i saw on the dash before i do !

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minblush · 6 years

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k-armys are spreading a tweet namjoon made in 2013 about korean independence where he says 'There is no future for people who have forgotten history' which shows he probably won't agree with working with a japanese imperialist, hopefully he still has this attitude in 2018 twitter(.)com/BTS_twt/status/367906282012831744

yeah i have seen them doing that ;; and fancafe and all the official tweets since then have been flooded with people talking about these things too, but bighit is playing dead fish so far :(

microwavehater said:Am i the only one who never believed that bts has ~creative freedom~ (anymore) ? If they (still) had, they’d use their influence to spread msgs like baepsae, not just love urself uwu (considering yoongi made political pre-debut releases &interview stuff) Also, their newer releases (LY her onwards) are v much lacking in the hiphop department which (i assume) was a marketing choice. Hiphop just doesn’t sell as well to a female audience (along w the fact that vocalists are the face of BTS).

i think they still have creative input but creative freedom definitely not, but it’s debatable if they ever had it anyway? idk.. and them moving on from hip-hop was definitely both trying to change things up as well as appeal to a broader audience, love yourself era overall was an attempt to basically touch as many people as possible, i don’t mind them changing their musical direction but what has bothered me was the loss of their involvement (because it is less)

Anonymous said:I totally agree with you about BTS losing their originality. I’m almost starting to get annoyed of them. Now bc they know people love their music for its topics such as mental health, etc I almost feel like they’re thinking that they’re obliged to constantly write music that only has a “social” message. I did not like Idol at all. It was pretty tacky and the idea of loving yourself seemed so forced in the lyrics. I want them to make songs about whatever they want at that moment. (1/?)

Anonymous said:Also every fan keeps saying the same thing about them being unfiltered when actually they’ve become SO filtered now. They’ve almost created this illusion of being super open with us when actually we barely know anything about them. I don’t mind that but I hate how they’re touting that as something that applies to them. Honestly most fans now are the bandwagon type and the fandom is starting to feel more like a cult versus a community like it used to. (2/2)

i don’t know if i ever talked about them losing their originality? because originality is debatable in this case too, if you mean their original intention then yes i agree with that, and i agree they definitely created the illusion, once i got out of the bts bubble a bit and also thought back to the old days, i realized how closed off and filtered everything is comparison to the past and even to other kpop groups nowadays that are way more direct, i feel like even exo is more outspoken these days and direct with their fans which i thought could never happen??? i used to stan them and it was hell hah.. and these days.. wowza..

Anonymous said:Fuck yesss we need new yoongi mixtape and i agree abt what you said i wish bts could read that and be like okay guys i think they are right we have done some questionable things and shit has to be addressed whether we like it or not and just fucking do so. Some fans will drop but some would drop anyway bc it is getting out of hand i would never want to call bts problematic bc shit i cannot imagine that being true but them supporting problematic people is kind of making them ones

i just feel like nothing will change because bang pd is too greedy.. he really is eyeing like building a global empire with all the business deals he has been making.. also bts have done plenty “problematic” things themselves, though not to that extent, but some of their actions have hurt a lot of people too, but it depends on what bothers you, i find colorism and things like that a problem, but ofc definitely different thing than pedophilia and such, i just meant to say that nobody is perfect

Anonymous said:Do you ever just wanna randomly bump into bts and be like “hey lets talk!” And then tell them about all these issues and fandom drama and just tell them to wake the hell up? Cos I do haha

well even if we bumped into them, most of them wouldn’t talk to you so dkajsdka

Anonymous said:i agree with everything you have said but what bothers me is he is a co produce of produce 48 and nobody really complained about it even though he is know for sexualizing minors... or did i miss something?? also i feel sorry for you getting hate you were just saying your opinion and people should start to accept some facts! it's not the first time bighit did something questionable ://

oh but actually when that was announced there was backlash? i remember seeing complaints about the producer as well as some of the trainees due to their supposed right wing associations, there were also complaints about women’s rights cause of the oversexualization of some of the girls back in japan and the producer’s lyrics, i think this backlash seems bigger or more visible to you because it’s happening in your fandom ;; that season of produce even ended up having the lowest rankings and voting participation so :/

Anonymous said:I have three words to describe the part of the fandom that blindly accepts all the things, even the problematic ones, BTS do. 'Situationally woke cult'.

that fits perfectly

Anonymous said:i rly appreciate sou voicing your thoughts even if they r not in essay form or refined for days. I agree with you on many things but at the same time it's not as disappointing to me bc I guess I never held them to high standards. like in the beginning I could kinda imagine that they were somewhat sincere (but still remained sceptical) but the more they got famous the more I accepted that that sincerity and authenticity would stop bc that's just the kind of business that kpop is... (♤)

Anonymous said:like it's an inherently dishonest industry. they sell an image just like everyone else, and at best(!!) they were as real as possible with us in the beginning. no doubt they wanted to be different from everyone else and it was easier as long as not that many people gave a fuck about them. but as soon as they started to this chance was over. so i guess what I'm saying is that my view didn't change and I'm not surprised, because I never really bought what they were trying to sell...(♤)

Anonymous said:I still love them, theyre likeable & adorable boys. but theyre not changing the world. they're not in the right kind of industry for that. they love their luxury expensive stuff & the glamour of it all & that's okay. I just take every concept the whip out w/ a grain of salt & a knowing smile & enjoy the entertainment. that's just my own two cents that nobody in the fandom wants to hear so I'm bothering u. & its not an analysis or anything just what is on top of my mind while watching TV lol (♤)

Anonymous said:(♤) oh ps. except for that whole controversial stuff with that misogynist jpn songwriter and supreme boy and what not. I take that seriously , I wont act as if that's just a cute quirk. but they're men so I didn't expect much lmaoo. I knew that those kind of disappointments are just part of the deal ever since I learned that jimin (a whole cutie pie and my ultimate bias) stans chris brown. definitely would kick jm in the shin for that if I ever got to meet him. at least keep it to yourself lol.

haha i wish you didn’t start this with a backhanded compliment but dkajsd yeah overall i see your point and agree... i understand like if you didn’t buy into that whole spiel, then of course you can just keep on going and stanning them as idols and all that comes with that, but many people and me included sincerely thought that they were different, i have stopped stanning kpop groups for a while and got drawn back in with bts because i felt they were so fresh and unique, genuine and open with fans in comparison to other groups i have stanned.. but ofc that image crumbled as time went on.. things have changed as well... and i agree, it’s fine to enjoy it for just the entertainment and like the boys as people, accepting they are just as any other idol.. and maybe i will continue with that perspective myself!! but i honestly find it difficult having believed in it and also bighit continually selling this image to their fans despite evidence of the contrary, i can deal with idol business but like continually being blatantly lied to and then being in a fandom where most of the rhetoric is build around blindly believing it and eating anything the boys and bighit sells? it’s honestly emotionally exhausting sometimes.. but yeah.. you’re honestly right.. even with the last point lol... they are men, and korean men at that sigh.. that’s why i’m burying myself in girl groups nowadays adkjsd to heal my soul

Anonymous said:Hope you have a wonderful day filled with only good things ❤ - the cutest person in the world

thank you so so so so much! you have a wonderful day too ♥ cutie

Anonymous said:simple question, not loaded at all, no wrong answer, the honest answer is the right answer- yaddah yaddah you get it -what do you think bangtan is lying about and what exactly are you saying overall? i just need the language simplified for my 3 braincells :) if i do get what you're saying - whether the actual members of bts are real or not, their message is. "dont let anyone tell you what to do" "live your own life and not a borrowed dream" "life is a marathon, not a race - go your own pace"etc

you can read this post as well as the tags to it to see some of the examples, i mean i have been saying lots of things so i don’t know what exactly you want me to clarify? i think their message is compromised when their actions contradict it, whether it’s their actions or bighit’s is up to debate, like i was talking about in the post though, you can’t have things both ways, can’t hail the boys as woke independent kings while propagating the idea that they are just the company’s pawns at the same time, if you accept their authenticity isn’t there then ofc it’s a different argument, and the things you have listed there may be true, but isn’t is soured knowing they are just things that are said in order to sell bangtan as a product to you? to me they are

Anonymous said:I'm not gonna disagree but I like to see all the sides of a story. Bang pd is their boss, bts made a contract with him, he will ALWAYS have the last word on, well, everything they put out. We like to think that bc bts has creative freedom they can do whatever they want, well obviously they can't. Even if bts wanted to talk more about issues and not work w bad ppl, bang pd wants them to succeed, he wants to make money bc it's his business and bts is the only thing bringing money to it.

i get this argument a lot and to that i will answer again this and this, i don’t understand what your point is exactly though, so you are saying bts are pawns that have to do as they ceo says, yes and? i am criticizing the decision he has made? i’m criticizing that what he cares about the most is money? that he will stop at nothing to widen his wealth and influence? i will not support bts cooperating with vile people just because it wasn’t -completely their decision-, i’m sorry i’m really struggling to see what your point is about the other side of the story, it’s a shitty situation and if they all go through with it, it be greatly disappointing

#ask #anon #microwavehater

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fenharelxenansal · 6 years

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ooc;;

so i went back into my discord history to dig up some meta i wrote a while back about briala. alice, nixe, mo, merc, and cay have all already read this, but i feel like a lot of it is really important to my characterization and i want it on my blog. maybe someday i’ll format it to read in a less disjointed, chat-style way, but for now -- have 1600+ words about briala’s backstory, i guess?

cw: lots of emotional abuse and gaslighting, lots of character death

im having a mood abt the tactics celene might have used to keep briala on her side when they were fighting and aaugh

bc i think a lot about the scene at the beginning of TME where bria is getting sexually harassed by a palace guard and the fact that nobody in that scene, briala included, acts like its anything particularly abnormal. that worries me

i mean. celene killed her damn parents. i dont think encouraging a guard to harass briala from time to time to make herself look like a saint in comparison is beyond her

and i have this mental image of briala being hurt in some way, nothing serious, a bruise here or there from someone other than celene, deliberately caused to send her running back to the empress who will make it all better

to give briala someone to hate instead of celene

to give celene the opportunity to 'make it up' to her

because i dont believe for a second that celene, grand player of the Game that she is, wouldn't stoop that low

she would do anything in her power to keep briala

because she is too dangerous, she knows too much

my headcanon is that when celene tried to send her away to live with the Dalish, it wasn't for her own protection

it was to keep her from ever realizing the truth of what happened the night her parents died, because it could destabilize celene's grip on power

and when Briala came back, well, she had to come up with another plan. and she cared for Briala enough that she didn't want to just kill her. so she made her into an intensely loyal asset

so i think any time Briala started to turn on her, started to want to leave her service even a little, she would do something to make herself look like the good guy again

the thing i always think about

Briala was supposed to be killed that night along with her parents

it wasn't 'all the servants except briala' it was 'all the servants'. the fact that she survived was pure luck, and the fact that celene didn't just have her killed after that point was because. well. Celene was a 16 year old lesbian about to ascend the throne of one of the most powerful countries in Thedas. One might imagine her a bit lonely.

im pretty sure she knew sending briala away was sending her to likely bandits or death by starvation

but she didn't have to feel so personally responsible for that

its easy to kill a palace full of servants whose names you dont know

theyre just numbers on a piece of parchment saying how many bodies you have to clean up

briala made herself real to celene and that makes her harder to kill

because she could have just killed her right then herself

but celene never had the stomach for killing people herself. she just gives the orders.

and so when faced with that situation, with her personal handmaiden traumatized, crying, covered in her parents' blood saying 'they're all dead', the smart thing to do would have been to kill her. but celene didn't do that. she just sent her away to near-certain death instead.

Briala is incredibly dangerous to Celene

especially post-TME, post realization of exactly how Celene orchestrated her rise to power

she is the only one who knows that Celene's claim on the throne is truly illegitimate, no matter how much Gaspard tries to argue it

not only did she have her own palace servants murdered

she had the emperor assassinated

which i think everyone misses?

she had him assassinated and then staged the murder of her palace servants to paint herself as an innocent victim who just happened to not be there that night

thats why all the palace servants were killed

so that suspicion would not fall on her for Florian's murder

the point was to make it look like the same assassins who went after her uncle were also going after her

when in reality she was the one calling the shots all along

i did briefly toy with writing a verse where Briala never met Felassan, where she made it to the Dalish safe at 14 years old and tried to become one of them

but the fact is that the moment he sent her back to Celene was a defining moment for her, something that fundamentally changed her, and she wouldn't have been anywhere near the same person without that

it told her, right there and right then, subtextually and insidiously, that the cause was the most important thing, more than her safety - because she knew it was dangerous being anywhere near the Empress-to-be, she wasn't stupid. she didn't even really know what the cause was at that point; he never told her what he got out of their meetings. so the cause to her became helping elves. and then that really quickly became warped to helping celene because she convinced her that it was the best way to serve the cause.

"what would have been different if she'd decided what she wanted to fight for on her own?"

she would have been a lot less.....not less dedicated, but less 'dedicated to the detriment of her own wellbeing'

if she had decided herself not to go to the Dalish, to stay by Celene's side to enact change, rather than just following the orders of other people, her story would be very different

concept: briala actually processing her trauma??? what???

bc you know the moment she got back to the palace with Celene after meeting Fel for the first time she threw herself headfirst into the Game

she focused all of her energy on intelligence-gathering and supporting Celene in her bid to become Empress

She never gave herself a single moment to grieve

and it isn't an uncommon story in Thedas, an elf watching someone or multiple someones they love cut down by humans

imagine if u will: briala, trying to have a funeral, not just for her parents, but for all of them

thats the thing i really feel the need to

idk

it wasn't just her parents

briala grew up in the palace. her parents were both palace servants.

she knew every single one of those servants. they were her friends and her family. and at the end of it she was left standing covered in blood in front of celene. celene was all she had left.

she didn't have any friends at the beginning of TME. she was friendly with the cook, but that was it.

celene took a generally happy, driven, and incredibly smart 14-year old elven girl and took away everyone she had ever known except herself. she made herself briala's world.

that's the real reason i hate that you can reunite them. its not that i don't believe they could be reunited - its that they can. because briala doesn't have anyone else. she has celene and felassan. that's it.

when you only have one person, its easy to make excuses for them and justify the things theyve done. its easy to believe them when they apologize and promise to do better.

thats why i want briala to have friends and lovers and people

i want to have a verse where she has grown so far beyond that point that she would laugh if Celene asked her to return to the palace

i want her to stop loving Celene but she isn't there yet

in my current writing, at least

she is still vulnerable to her in every verse where Celene is still alive

i just imagine her like

talking quietly about her childhood best friend among the servants

we don't get to see much of Briala's childhood

we get the moment of her mother telling her she mustn't try to hide her ears and that she must be proud of being an elf. that's really it.

but we do know that there were other children of servants who were considered for Celene's handmaiden aside Briala

i like to think she was friends with these other children. that she wasn't always lonely from the start

but of course that leads down the road of those friends being slaughtered as well so its a tradeoff

and then there's the question of whether when Celene kissed her when she was sending her away, if that was her first kiss, if she ever even had the chance to love someone else

i think a lot about how Briala spent 20 years learning how to love exactly 1 person the way she wanted to be loved

just imagining her trying to have a romantic relationship with someone else with that framework still in place is painful. it wouldn't work no matter how much she wanted it to because she'd be treating them like celene. she has no other model for how a relationship can work

she bypasses that somewhat with Lana, but its still there, thinking that the best thing to do is the thing that Keeps Lana Safe

she wouldn't recognize abuse if she got into another bad relationship

and she doesn't know how a relationship works where she isn't centering the other person's needs over her own

she gave up everything she ever wanted or aspired to for Celene

one time i got a prompt from a lyric starter list i made

'you can still be what you want to'

and briala just. broke for a moment.

'no. i can't. i never could - none of us ever could. thats why we fight.'

she doesn't have interests or hobbies or friends or a life

celene was her life and now she's filled that void with her cause

#meta;#about the muse;#this is a lot of words and i really need to go through and retype this in a way that is proper sentences and such #don't have the spoons for it today #emotional abuse cw #death cw

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realdeadlovin · 3 years

Text

well, I had the urge to write, but then it took too long to remember my password and I lost steam and in the meantime starting thinking about brian again. thinking about reaching out to see if he would be willing to be better friends, but again, I’m afraid that’s only for emotional stimulation and some sort of validation which I need to let go of. I’m feeling somewhat nauseous bc I took too much kratom. i’m not a person worth knowing rn and I need to work on that.

BLAH anyways. I think I had wanted to come here and rant about the mentality of liberals. I’ve had the urge to write some lately and that is one the major topics. I feel like they need a dissection a la eichmann in jerusalem. perhaps someone has done this... taht book about democrats I heard a podcaster mention. theres so much weird doublethink in it and it really is fascination in comparison to the increasing trend amongst republicans to own up to what they believe. liberals still have it so hidden and they have such infuriating patterns of deflection.

~cult of personality. claim not to like bernie sanders because they hate the “cult of personality” where what they hate is enthusiasm for change. they are commited to a lack of change. then they turn around and endorse democratic candidates who do not represent any sort of change because they seem “nice” and “stable” and “have a good heart.” or like biden, they “understand loss” or “humility” or any number of tangible and easily projected onto blandness personality traits. but of course THAT is not a cult of personality

~always claim to want progress but very very quickly claim to disagree or not want to engage if anything turns heated and the defense is always that its too aggressive or divisive but always claim to want the same thing--- they clearly don’t!! this is actually the exact same mentality that drove me crazy with brian regarding gender issues--- if I was heated about some gender issue they would pit themselves AGAINST me argumentatively, then it became about gaslighting bc of *course* theyre on my side and I’m supposed to know that and thus be crazy bc I am demonizing them or something, even though they are literally not taking my side.

~claims that biden was not their favorite but the second he is safely election, they suddently have all faith for him.

~SOMEHOW we are supposed to beat republicans by fighting on their turf and taking everything they have put forward as true as a given. its unfathomable how we expect to win this way. one second GOP is evil incarnate and the next, the best thing a democrat can do is “reach across the aisle.”

theres so much to say about it. i think often about the citations needed one about democratic climate policy also being one of climate denial but they talk to the talk. if they actually held any of the beliefs they claim their rhetoric would look so different. how do people get to the point where they internalize this weird denial of right wing ideology? how do they like profess to hold certain beliefs in rightness, in justice and actually really believe that about themselves, but are brainwashed strongly enough to be actively undermining their own professed values?

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hyyh2 · 5 years

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funny how that never happens with say french or swedish or w/e artists 🤔 they're basically saying : "you need to fit the exotic/indigenous image i associate you with so that i can continue looking down on you". As happy as i am abt bts being successful in such a huge market, i almost wish bts had never stepped foot in the us so i wouldn't have had to hear all the bullshit. Anyway, what happened with ur friends sis spill the tea (if u want to)

i would just like to emphasize

“you need to fit the exotic/indigenous image i associate you with so that i can continue looking down on you”

points truly were made thank you nd god bles .

i wish all the success for bts— its the people that need to change. we cant avoid what bts achieves bc theyre literally so so talented and deserve every good thing coming their way, but we can just hope that ppl get their heads out of that automatic comparison to western/white artists. i hate how thats even the baseline for anything but it cant be avoided bc white ppl have centered shit around themselves for years🙄🙄hopefully with the growth of kpop and overall increasing poc representation we can finally throw away the …. what u could call…. The White Base 🤕.

anywayshfdhsjghfhd that … “friend”…… lmao this is gnna be a long story idk if u care but if u wanna kno the shit going down in my life then . go ahead n read shdsjhfdjg

to give u some background, she’s always been that type of friend where i feel i have to be on my toes all the time and i have to be careful w what i do/say bc she will cut someone off for the tiniest things. ya so lol we got into a fight and it was her fault, but since i cherished her a lot i somehow apologized for it ???? idk anyways it took a toll on my mental health along with other things shes done such as make me wait at a restaurant for an hour by myself, “tested” me during the first year of uni to see if i would approach her first to ask if there was an issue (which was obviously stressful bc its first yr of uni and she was rly the only person i could rely on as a friend), and just ignore me in the group chat we had w one other friend. i also felt rly left out bc those 2 friends would do anything n everything n just talk about anything w each other and leave me out :// SO LMFAO my mental health got even Worse esp w the stress from uni and not knowing what i wanna do n fear of the future n shit. im the type of person to shut myself out when going thru things and i felt that was unfair and so i msged the group chat to let them know what was going on and i even let them know like what types of things they did that bothered me and affected my mental health. i made it clear that i just wanted to let them know what was bothering me and hoped that we could fix it together. the other friend replied and told me that it was okay and that i could take my time n tht she would always be there for me. as for the other “friend”, she left me on read, blocked me on ig, snapchat, fucking facebook too lol and then she left the group chat we were in.

this all happened around summer-fall of 2018 ?? and recently on my bday this year (apr 2019) i found out why she just stopped talking to me. she just assumed that after my message i didnt want to be friends anymore and just cut off all contact with me. she always said that she was “understanding” and she always makes an effort to fix things with friends but . obviously thats a lie lmaooo

what made me mad was that she had the audacity to tell my other friend “oh i see karyl at school sometimes, idk if she sees me but she doesnt say hi” LIKE BITCH HELLOO >???????? U IGNORED ME N BLOCKED ME ON EVERY FORM OF SOCIAL MEDIA OFC I WONT SAY FUCKINGN HELLO DJSFDKGHSGKJKSGHJSGFDHGHN

ok thts all. im over it now and im glad im not friends with someone like her anymore since i realized how tiring it was to be around her and how negative she was overall. also she believes in reverse racism, doesnt believe in white privilege, n allows her crusty white ass bf to be racist to her bc “its just humour n hes only joking!!🤪🤪🤪”

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robotlesbianjavert · 7 years

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*invasive asks, don't have to answer if you don't want* I keep wondering what is the appeal of slasher movies (nothing wrong with them, just not my thing)? I never read The Cursed Child, what's that about and what do you like about it?

these are good questions don’t worry xoxo

a) i can’t actually explain my penchant for slasher movies in a tumblr-wise moral manner, bc obviously slasher is a genre that tends to be filled with shit like fetishization and a demonization of mental illness and whatever else i can’t list it all right now it’s just a very flawed genre. so i can’t really discuss it on that kind of intellectually moral level - they are very much a guilty pleasure that i feel i’m permitted.

the thing is that they are such a cheesy b-movie genre that it’s hard to be feel supremely guilty about it? obviously they’ve gained some mainstream focus that necessitates serious discussion about various harmful shit going on, and i could go more into it if prompted and if i consider myself capable, but they are also SO DUMB. not dumb some are smart-ish but you always know what to expect from them, you can always expect some dumb caricatures to get slaughtered, expect some final girl expy to limp their way to survival, you can expect the build up, and if there’s a surprise then that’s just an extra treat. i guess it’s kind of cathartic, being able to exorcise some of my more serious anxieties through them, even when they get positively decadent in the blood and gore and sadism

i guess that while i also like horror as a general genre and am super happy to discuss horror films that take themselves more seriously (ie babadook, get out, that kind of stuff i sincerely believe that horror has great potential for commentary that often gets overlooked or underdeveloped), it’s a bit easier to latch onto singular slasher villains fandom-wise (your michael’s and jason’s and i guess the freddy’s altho freddy can go choke) than it is for more concept-based horrors, bc you don’t NECESSARILY have to take them seriously and you can just have some fun with them (altho they do have their place in a serious discussion, like how michael and jason are horrors that stalk otherwise safe environments, or how freddy is literally thematically about violation)

it’s hard to really explain in a justifiable way rather than a guilty-pleasure way, and i can’t really argue that i’m somehow a morally superior person for liking them and i don’t want to bc that’s dumb and exhausting. they just tend to be fun i guess.

b) okay so what cursed child is about is essentially the relationship between harry and his son, albus severus, and how they are both essentially similar in ways that, coupled with harry’s complicated legacy and upbringing, drive them apart and eventually bring them back together, particularly in their opinions on hogwarts - this results in albus jr attempting to one-up his father via what albus understands as his first failure (cedric’s death) through time travel. things escalate from there.

honestly i think that cursed child is a really important continuation of the themes and lessons from the main harry potter series in a more grown-up sense, and i really hate how it’s been spoiled on this site by a bunch of dumb spoilers that never fit well out of context.

like part of the problem i think is that a lot of ppl online tend to a) overidealize harry as some sassy angel child and b) try to freeze him at 11-17 years old rather than consider how his adolescent experiences might map onto who is is as an adult father. so when he says “sometimes i wish you weren’t my son”, they decide to ignore the context leading up to that moment (albus essentially needling and baiting harry and accidentally touching upon triggers relating to his past abuse, and the two of them essentially having two different conversations) and then everything afterwards (harry’s horror and guilt over speaking in a moment of anger and spite, as he was prone to in the main series, and his desperation to protect and apologize to albus in a time where he’s triggered for a sustained period of time and afraid that his greatest enemy is somehow returning), and decide to declare that jkr must not know her own characters if she dares to write harry as a “bad dad”. as much as ppl like to try and discuss how terrible it was for harry to suffer abuse at the dursley’s, they sure seem to want to underestimate how it affects him in the long run. and by fuck does cursed child dig into what harry went through with the dursley’s, particularly petunia! he’s having nightmares about her and this gets discussed and ppl still like to act like this play misrepresents how he suffered! it’s so fucking stupid!

i guess i also can’t really lie - i initially bought into all the bad hype surrounding the play when spoilers were released, tho i hope in a more muted way than a lot of ppl i followed, and i only really got interested when i read a particularly moving think-piece about snape, and then i knew i had to have it bc i cannot stress enough how snape was One Of Those Characters that i latched onto in my childhood, and how it felt good to be a bit vindicated in the face of how this website trashes him. also i cried a lot w snape bc it’s such good closure for his character, it helps you understand how his character potentially developed in the light of the main series, and also i got a better understanding of dumbledore too like you got the impression after the kings cross chapter in dh but when he admitted his insecurities re: how he only hurts the ppl he loves in cc? it literally like blew his character wide open for me, it really helped me piece together a lot of the things i was unsure about with him. so i also think it provides a lot of retroactive understanding and clarification of the characters that some ppl like to deliberately misinterpret for notes

also ppl’s complaints about the time-travel plots are fucking stupid to be perfectly honest, esp in comparison to POA. first off, poa did hint that it’s possible to change the timeline, cc established that we are working with very different time-travel tools than in poa, and thirdly in poa time-travel was a plot device and in cc it’s a thematic device so who even gives a fuck honestly.

basically: i think the play is a vital and important continuation and conclusion of the original series and its thematic elements, and if ppl don’t like then what the fuck ever but at least they can try to dislike it on legitimate grounds rather than things they heard secondhand or deliberately misinterpreted/decided didn’t fit with their headcanon

i can actually talk like. a lot about this play bc there was a lot of what i liked and what i think tumblr should like if everyone could carefully remove their heads from their asses. there are a few things i think could have been improved (while i don’t think it was necessarily baiting, i do believe scorpius/albus was a sorely missed opportunity), the play is more positive than it negative and i would kill to see it onstage. i guess if ppl don’t like reading script it’s fine but honestly i loved the script, but i’m also fairly used to reading script so idk

also it justified my belief that hermione would be an awful teacher and i feel vindicated even tho i have not seen anyone talk about it tbh

also it made my mother cry (in a good way) and she loved it and that’s literally all the assurance anyone should need. my mom’s a good person and everyone should trust her.

#noasaurus #i also kind of read cursed child in the aftermath of a drunken intimate conversation with my mother #that really made me look at parent-child relationships and how complicated they could be #so maybe i was just predisposed towards the themes?#idk anyways SORRY FOR THE LONG ANSWER I LOVE YOU #if anything seems incomplete it's bc i'm on the toilet and mentally scattered #long post /

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coreytravelogue · 5 years

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Vancouver, BC Canada - August 29, 2019

I was meaning to post something sooner, something for after Kelowna, after Victoria, after Toronto (again) or at least something on the 5th anniversary of me going to Europe but time and circumstances got in the way. Can’t say any of the three trips would be worth their own blog but I guess since I got an hour before I board for next and biggest adventure of this year I should bring whomever actually still reads this back up to speed.

Kelowna was a bit of a let down for me, I had memories of Kelowna as a fun summer trip area to go to as a kid, instead it feels like a mere shadow of its former self, the only thing that was left from my childhood and the only thing that was relatively fun in Kelowna to do was Scandia and even that paled in comparison to how I remembered it as a kid but me and my girlfriend had fun. The purpose of the trip was to show my girlfriend more of British Columbia. The biggest highlight of the trip was to be able to play and finish Time Crisis 2 with her. Time Crisis was always one of those games I did alone and could never get anyone to play with and one I could never pass myself. Who knew that playing these shootem up games would end up being a date thing for us.

Beer I would give 1/3 C, food 1/4 C, vibe 1/2 C, transit 1/2 C and things to do a 1/3 C. So Kelowna gets C11/12 on the Corey Scale which seems like it is scathing but in the end outside of Scandia there wasn’t much to do, transit was ok, vibe was ok, food selection wasn’t that great and the beer which I was hoping to be the good thing wound up being lack lustre both in quality and selection.

Victoria I don’t think I need to review again, my view of that city hasn’t really changed it is still a favourite place to go to in BC. We went to help my friend Dani move for the forth time in 5 years. In return we got to stay at her brother’s for free. We didn’t really do that much outside of what we normally do; my girlfriend goes through the vintage shops for stuff, I go through the record and music shops and both basically enjoy walking around Victoria. Had breakfast again at John’s Place and had the best French’s Toast I have had in recent memory. I am definitely going back there for that.

Then there is Toronto, I went on a work related trip that I feel was less needed for me to go and more of a thank you from my workplace for the hard work I have been putting in over the last few months and I have put in a lot of work. I only stayed in Toronto for two nights, when I got there I barely had time to do anything but finish my mom’s Christmas shopping and buy myself a jersey. The next day was the work related training and after hanging out with fellow coworkers from other parts of the country I went to a bar that had the best selection of beer I could find and basically spin the wheel on Toronto beer.

I can’t say my opinion of Toronto has changed, I still hate the airport, I am not really a fan of their beer or lack their of, people there are nice enough and once you figure out their transit it is fairly straight forward it’s not my kind of place. With all that said I feel like I still need to visit Toronto one more time, I actually regret that I didn’t use what little leave time I have left to just take the Friday off and make a weekend out of it. I would have went to the Wonderland park, a museum maybe and see the hockey hall of fame again. Toronto is too big for me, too fast and I don’t like their beer. If I had a choice I would take Montreal over Toronto.

So here we are to now, it has been five years since I went to Europe and today I will return again though not for 2 and a half months but 2 and a half weeks. I have done enough talking about Europe, I feel like I need to talk about the adventure that has been the last 5 years since. As much as I have ranted about the glories of my trip to Europe it wasn’t what changed me, Europe was the catalyst but not the entire reason. I find myself looking back to five years and feeling like I am a completely different person than who I was back then at least from an emotional and life state.

5 years ago I was suffering from depression boardering on suicide, I had a dead end job I felt trapped, I was lonely and desperate for love in my life and I felt like things were hopeless to me. I made a promise to myself early in my 20s that before I turned 30 that I would do something with my life, it was either make a movie or go to Europe. My friend Tyler suggested Europe and I think he was right in the end. I went to Europe at 29 looking to find myself or at least a reason to keep living and after a few long nights or looking deep into myself in many places especially in Ireland I came out a better person but more or less as one friend would call me still a hot mess. I found the tools in Europe but I still didn’t know how to use them.

After Europe I was still lonely, depressed, lost and further more now unemployed even though I thought that my job would be waiting for me when I came back. On top of self induced heart break and betrayal I had my own version of a nervous breakdown not too long after I came back from my annual trip to Newfoundland. One that forced me to question whether continuing to mentally beat myself up was worth it anymore because it never worked, it only ever made things worse. I decided to try and fight my depression and try and make my life better. So I made a three year plan and got a job at Walmart which funny enough paid better than my last job. The plan was to go to school for the next two years either in Brewmastery or Library Tech and after graduation I would travel to Europe again before hunting for my career. Thankfully I chose library tech though I can’t help but wonder what would have happened if I chose brewmastery.

It came down to money and health, if I was to do brewmastery at the time I would have to move to a small town in Alberta. Completely up root my life and work in a business that was and probably is killing me slowly. Or choose library tech and try to find a way to get into doing something I like which is record keeping.

By the time the summer was over I was in the best shape of my life and finally have a handle on my mental health issues. While working at Walmart I got witness the negative effects of depression. My workplaces was littered with all sort of depressed people who were all in my position but many with their own ways of dealing with it. It was through seeing them that I realized that I made the right choice in fighting. Every night I would witness people who were so obviously miserable that their misery would spill on to others and I hated that, that was the turning point to me when I realized my depression was hurting others, to see it happening here was sobering. Then there would be some who did nothing complain about where they worked and their life, some who just looked utterly miserable all night long. Again it made decision to fight more justified. All I need to do is to think about the summer to remind myself why fighting is the way to go.

My first year of college was blitzkrieg of fun, drama and life changing events. I went from having a hard time getting a woman to even having a second date with me to having two or three women who I could have had a chance with. By the end of that first year I found a summer job that paid even better than anything before and it lead to consistent work for much of 2017 which enviably lead to a full time job.

I went from preparing for a possible Europe trip in the summer of 2017 when I graduated to having a contract to work till March 2018, I went from having no one in my life who loved me to a woman who was willing to cross the pacific multiple times just to see scruffy looking hairy dog like me. I was then prepared to go to Europe after March 2018 when my contract was over only to move to any other branch and work with them till September. Even by the end of September just coming back from Australia to see my girlfriend I was preparing myself for a Europe trip only finallly now have a career. So Europe was no longer something I could do at least at that point.

Here we are in 2019, my girlfriend from Australia has moved in with me, I have a full time job that pays well, a living wage if I didn’t live in Vancouver. I have my health, I have a love in my life whom I love and who I know loves me, I have a decent job and good workplace culture though they can burn me out with work on occasion so what is the problem?

I guess over the past few months I have been afraid, I have been feeling lost and displaced as well. Afraid mainly that I could easily slip back to who I was 5 years ago though everything is different now I feel lost again I feel like I need to find the next path to go but I don’t know what it is. I feel like I have also lost touch with myself again. I don’t think I know myself very well anymore. Above all else I have been experiencing burn out over these past few months working three jobs in one.

I don’t feel like I have much if any time to really enjoy anything. If I am not sleeping or working I am trying to recover while spending time with who I love and what few friends I have left who still live in Vancouver. Again I also feel like my interests are changing, I am not as passionate about movies or music anymore. I am not as passionate about beer anymore as I was not too long ago. I know a lot about those three things but I don’t really care as much for them anymore.

I would like to get back into video games and anime again, I would like to get to hang out with more people and play games, I would like to be apart of something however outside of wishing to join D&D I don’t know where the gateway is to the next phase of my life. I even feel like that with my clothes. I feel like I need a makeover I just don’t know what the change would be so I am just walking through the fog till I find the road I like more and I will take it.

I don’t expect Europe to fix me, it didn’t the first time and I don’t expect it to this time either but I do hope if will give me some perspective. I already feel like I am getting some by talking about this now.

In 5 minutes I board, four hours from Vancouver to Chicago then from Chicago a 9 hour flight to Amsterdam. I won’t be staying in Amsterdam but will be at the end. Tomorrow will be the most stressful day of the trip for me because of some uncertainties that I am not sure of but I know I have done what I can to mitigate but I won’t know till I get there whether it will work out. This is all part of the adventure, something I must accept as per usual and in a way I like it this way. I like to plan for every possible and once I have the plan then I am ready to throw it away and let the wind guide me.

I know I will have fun, I will try my best to, I deserve it. So here we go......shazbot nanu nanu

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skyteglad · 6 years

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do all the flower asks too you little heathen

Alisons: Sexuality? pansexual!! i used to go with demirom pansexual but pan alone is good enough

Amaranth: Pronouns/Gender? he/him, it/its is okay too! bigender but also i’m?? leaning towards just trans masc at this point?

Amaryllis: Birthday? dec 11!

Anemone: Favorite flower? oh fuck uhhhh chrysanthemum but only bc i love that word?? i like how flowers look a lot tho

Angelonia: Favorite t.v. show? oh shit fuck uh. there’s a lot but soul eater, desperate housewives, and heroes are three i can think of rn

Arum-Lily: What’s the farthest you’d go for a stranger? i have no clue what this question means!!

Aster: What’s one of your favorite quotes? h

Aubrieta: Favorite drink? soda… root beer, sunkist, and (currently) dr. pepper?

Baby’s Breath: Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? FUCK YEAH FUCK YEAH FUCK YEAH

Balsam Fir: Have you ever been in love? YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Baneberries: Favorite song? THERE’S… A LOT OF THEM, OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD THOUGH, FIRST TO COME TO THOUGHT? between the bars by chris garneau

Basket of Gold: Describe your family. they’re actually pretty good? like, really good. not perfect, though. i still haven’t come out to them, but they’re very good in comparison to many other parents

Beebalm: Do you have a best friend? Who is it? imma go w my irl besties bryson and alyssa they’re fantastic, love them

Begonia: Favorite color? this is hard? i love colors??? fuck? i’ll just go with color combo instead here, which is a tie between red/black/white, and brown/teal/white

Bellflower: Favorite animal? I HAVE A LOT. CATS, DEER, AXOLOTLS??

Bergenia: Are you a morning or night person? night

Black-Eyed Susan: If you could be any animal for a day, what would it be? cat cat cat cat cat

Bloodroots: When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up? teacher, lawyer, forensic psychologist

Bluemink: What are your thoughts on children? love them! they deserve kindness in the world and it makes me sad as hell knowing not all of them have that. no child is inherently evil, they’re still forming and changing and growing, and there’s still a chance to help them be a good person

Blazing Stars: What are you afraid of? Is there a reason why? oh man, lots of things. i’ll go with… *spins the wheel* … abandonment! and yeah lol it’s bc losing people is scary and terrible

Borage: Give a random fact about your childhood. not a fact abt my childhood but apparently i was born with an anxiety disorder lol

Bugleherb: How would you spend your last day on Earth? question too deep, pass

Buttercup: Relationship Status? **MARRIED** i’m not married but i’m happily taken by two of the best people to ever exist ever???

Camelia: If you could visit anywhere, where would you want to go? SEE MY BOY NORSKI

Candytufts: When do you feel most loved? when i’m around my bfs and they’re being cozy and gay and sweet

Canna: Do you have any tattoos? nope!

Canterbury Bells: Do you have any piercings? nope!

California Poppy: Height? fuck you! i’m 4'11

Cardinal Flower: Do you believe in ghosts? sure do babey!

Carnation: What are you currently wearing? pajama pants, socks that are too tight, a tank top, and my bfs heart player hoodie

Catnip: Have you ever slept with a nightlight? yes i still do lol

Chives: Who was the last person you hugged? cotton :D

Chrysanthemum: Who’s the last person you kissed? cotton!

Cock’s Comb: Favorite font? fuck uhhhhhh yes

Columbine: Are you tired? lol ya

Common Boneset: What are you looking forward to? LOVE BOYS LOVE BOYS LOVE BOYS

Coneflower: Dream job? forensic psychologist :c

Crane’s-Bill: Introvert or extrovert? introvert!

Crocus: Have you ever been in love? this was already asked but YES

Crown Imperial: What’s the farthest you would go for someone you care about? ALL THE WAY ALL THE WAY

Cyclamen: Did you have a favorite stuffed animal as a child? What was it? UHHH YYYESSS???? imma go w booger bear, a green bear… shade of boogers

Daffodil: What’s your zodiac sign? sagittarius!

Dahlia: Have you done anything worth remembering? i… guess? maybe??? not really imo but idk!

Daisy: What do you feel is your greatest accomplishment? i have no braincells rn so pass

Daylily: What would you do if your parents didn’t like your partner(s)? cry (they do like them tho thank fuck)

Dendrobium: Who is the last person that you said “I love you” to? COTTON AND NORSKI

False Goat’s Beard: What is something you are good at? d…raw…?

Foxgloves: What’s something you’re bad at? everything lol

Freesia: What are three good things that have happened in the past month? CON! HALLOWEEN SPOOKY STUFF! POTENTIAL MOUSE BABIES which is also a bad thing that happened but shh

Garden Cosmos: How was your day today? it’s been ok

Gardenia: Are you happy with where you’re at in your life? well… not exactly? i’m thrilled to be where i am w my bfs, i’m thrilled that i’ve grown and gotten through some bad trauma, but i want to be doing more, i want to feel accomplished, so.. i’m not :c

Gladiolus: What is something you hope to do in the next year or two? FUCKING MOVE.

Glory-of-the-Snow: What are ten things that make you happy/you’re grateful to have in your life? oh fuck numbers. 1-2) cotton and norski 3) lee!!! 4) my family 3) my friends 4) there’s more but i have no braincells so :p

Heliotropium: What helps you calm down when you feel stressed? nothing

Hellebore: How do you show affection? many

Hoary Stock: What are you proudest of? :D.. i don’t rememeber

Hollyhock: Describe your ideal day. shrug

Hyacinth: What do you like to do in your free time? drrrawww??? procrastinate lol

Hydrangea: How long have you known your best friend? How did you meet them? i’ll go w alyssa! almost 16 years, it was in kindergarten! my aunt had lied abt mama bringing me lunch so i was left kind of just… without any and alyssa stayed behind while i ate when everyone went to recess :’) we also just shared a class but still

Irises: Who can you talk to about (almost) everything? cotton and norski

Laceleaf: How many friends do you have? bitch? how am i supposed to know?

Lantanas: What’s the best compliment you’ve ever received? hhhhhh

Larkspur: What do you think of yourself? suck

Lavender: What’s your favorite thing about yourself? i give a shit about others

Leather Flower: What’s your least favorite thing about yourself? i give a shit about certain others :\

Lilac: What’s something you liked to do as a child? draw

Lily: Who was your best friend when you were a kid? alyssa

Lily of the Incas: What is something you still feel guilty for? SO MANY THINGS HHH JUST. BEING A THOUGHTLESS BITCH.

Lily of the Nile: What is something you feel guilty for that you shouldn’t feel guilty about? retaliating against my abusers and saying harmful things to them while they were basically cornering me bc i had a breakdown and that was ‘rude’ somehow.

Lupine: What does your name mean? Why is that your name? bc im trash! and it means 'thunderous skies’ (i found out that skylar is a popular/overused trans guy name and now i’m sad at myself but also fuck u i love the name skylar it stays as my middle)

Marigold: Where did you grow up? Tell us about it. texas lol i havent moved out of the city ive lived in my whole life

Morning Glory: What was your bedroom like growing up? its never been personalized… it’s… just a bed, a tv (not anymore but thats ok) and thats it. currently its two beds but, again, thats it

Mugworts: What was it like for you as a teenager? Did you enjoy your teenage years? depression!

Norwegian Angelica: Tell us about your mom. shes great!! she sucks sometimes and doesn’t understand my boundaries at all (maybe she does and just purposefully ignores them), and she babies me to fucking hell, but she’s very very nice and tries her best and i appreciate her

Onions: Tell about your dad. we don’t mention him he’s a piece of shit :\ my step dad’s great tho lol

Orchid: Tell about your grandparents. ging and popo are treasures to this earth

Pansy: What was your most memorable birthday? What made it be so memorable? i don’t want to talk about that.

Peony: What was your first job? haven’t had it yet

Petunia: If you’re in a relationship, how did you meet your partner(s)? If you’re not in a relationship, how did you meet your crush/how do you hope to meet your future partner(s), if you want any? COTTON: MET HIM IN A HOMESTUCK KIN SERVER. NORSKI: COTTON’S OLD FRIEND, INTRODUCED US. the first thing i ever said to him was great…

Pincushion: How do you deal with pain? i don’t.

Pink: Where is home? where the heart is uwu

Plantain Lilies: If you could go back in time, what is one thing you would stop/change? terrible people from hurting millions of others.

Prairie Gentian: Who is someone you look up to? Describe them. norski tbh? he’s so talented and brave and has done so much in life. he’s not perfect but he’s grown so much and tried so hard to do good and i’m so proud of him and admire him a lot

Primrose: Describe your ideal life. no mental illness, with financial stability, and also the world wouldn’t have fucking oppression and harm in it tbh.

Rhodendron: What is something you used to believe in as a child? THAT BUTTERFLIES WERE VENOMOUS AND IF IT TOUCHED U U’D DIE.

Ricinus: Who’s the most important in your life? norski and cotton… and also lee

Rose: What’s your favorite sound? my bfs’ voices

Rosemallows: What’s your favorite memory? most memories of good times we’ve had

Sage: What’s your least favorite memory? :) pass

Snapdragon: At this moment, what do you want? TO CUDDLE MY FUCKING HUSBANDS. also to go pee i’m gonna go pee intermission break here pee break done

St. John’s Wort: Is it easy or difficult for you to express how you feel about things? :D hard!

Sunflower: What is something you don’t want to imagine life without? norski or cotton hh

Sweet Pea: How much sleep did you get last night? uhhhh a good amount???

Tickseed: What’s your main reason to get up every morning? staying in bed hurts my body

Touch-Me-Not: How do you feel about your current job? that i wish i had one

Transvaal Daisy: What’s your favorite item of clothing? i have a rly hot hoodie now…

Tropical White Morning Glory: Describe your aesthetic. EDGY BUT COLORFUL

Tulip: What would be the best present to get you? stuffed animals… esp pokemon ones (or video games)

Vervain: What’s stressing you out most right now? life :D!!!!

Wisteria: How many books have you read in the past few months? What were they called? I DON’T READ HHHHHHH

Wolf’s Bane: Where do you want to be in life this time next year? living with cotton like… permanently (also spending time w norski irl!!!!!!!!! pls!)

Yarrow: Do you know what vore is? :)

Zinnia: Give a random fact about yourself. I DON’T HAVE A BRAIN RN

#marcotton #RIOT.TXT

0 notes

beardedwinnerobject-blog · 6 years

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Health Insurance & Prescriptions?

"Health Insurance & Prescriptions?

When my doctor writes me a prescription and I fill it up.... does it show up on my health insurance what precriptions I'm taking?

BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare quotes: : http://saleinsurancequotes.xyz/index.html?src=tumblr

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Young Drivers Car Insurance!!!?

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If I had a leased car with full coverage ($20,000 car), how much more would it cost each month to have liability insurance on another car. How much would each cost separately? (assuming 25 years old, good record, one driver would drive both cars).""

Is it possible to claim repair costs on car insurance?

If their hasn't been an accident? i.e. If your car breaks down and their roadside recovery people have to tow you home,can you then get a diagnosis for the problem and claim it on insurance?""

What's the best health insurance to be with having three kids all under 12 years old plus two adults?

Kawasaki ninja zx6r insurance for a 16 year old?

how much would insurance be for a 16 year old on a zx6r? please don't answer telling me it's a bad idea to ride this bike at 16, i simply want a price range. I did a progressive online quote and basic insurance was only $35 a month. does this seem too cheap, or no?""

Health Insurance & Prescriptions?

When my doctor writes me a prescription and I fill it up.... does it show up on my health insurance what precriptions I'm taking?

What would be the insurance on a DeLorean for a 16 year old?

I'm about to be 16 and I'm a total Sci-Fi geek. I LOVE Back to the Future and ever since I've seen it I've wanted a DeLorean. Well we know someone who could get us a new one cheap, so that's no problem. My only concern is the insurance, and my parents aren't up for that. I don't know how much it is, but if someone our there is actually credible on the topic, could you give me a reasonable answer with a high and low. Thank you to all who answer :)""

Do nurses get free health insurance?

I heard from some people that they and their family get free insurance (if that's true, then what members of the family qualify?).""

Does any one know a really cheap car insurer for young drivers?

i need insurance quick. does any1 know areally cheap insurer?

""Where can u get the cheapest car insurance quote on the net or by phone, or any means nessesary?""

Where can u get the cheapest car insurance quote on the net or by phone, or any means nessesary?""

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can your family collect it if someone commits suicide. for instance,when i shoot myself in the head and die,will my family get anything for it? honest answers only.""

Do you think if I worked at McDonalds I could be able to afford a mustang GT and pay for car insurance?

I want to buy a mustang GT. I prefer a 99-01 year. Which would probably cost me about 400-500 a month paying car payments and car insurance. I'm only 16 years old. But I plan on getting a job when i'm 18 and buying a car. I also need to get my GED, which I start taking classes for that next fall.. because I dropped out of school for specific reasons I wont talk about here. If I work 6 hours a day and earn 7.40 an hour for 5 days a week, thats about 880 bucks a month. Plus my parents could help me out a little. I would use all the money I get from work for the car payment, insurance and gas. Would I have enough money?""

Car insurance for 17 year olds?

Right ive recently passed both my theory and practical. Ive read things on here that insurance for me a 17 year old full time student living with parents would cost like 2000 per year. Which is 166 quid. Thats alright for me. But i checked with confused.com and comparethemarket and they're all giving me ridiculous prices such as 14.000 premium. I searched up for a Ford Fiesta, 1.2, petrol, 2002 model. What can i do? I dont mind paying 100 or 200 quid a month. What do you reccommend me doing?""

Where can I buy affordable car insurance?

I know u can do it in the UK...but can't find any insurance agency in the US to do it.

What is a reasonable cost estimate of business insurance for a cottage rental?

Looking to estimate small business insurance for a single unit cottage rental we are purchasing.

How to get seen by a doctor without health insurance?

I have no health insurance but I need to see a doctor! I have the mirena IUD, a week ago I was sexually assaulted, but was unable to get a rape kit because of the insurance issue. But now I am having cramps, alot of pressure in my uterus area, my lower abdomen is bloated out, I ended my period 6 days ago and every day a few times a day, when I wipe its a little pink with what looks like some skin particles? It feels like I am constantly leaking discharge, I can feel it leaking out! Idk if he moved my mirena, or if he gave me and STD but I need to see a doctor. Is there a way I can see one and make payments on the bill or what? I live in California""

Insurance (and more) for new driver in Ontario?

So, I'm going to take my written test (G1) tomorrow and I'm looking ahead trying to figure this out. I plan on taking a MTO certified course to be able to take my G1 exit driving test in 8 months. I have a car lined up that will practically be given to me in 8 months. I'm 30 and living on my own. Will I be able to get insurance on a car with only a G2 license? Will I have to pay through the nose for it? Would it be legal and/or cheaper to have my dad buy the car and put it and me on his policy? Would I live to be living in the same household as him? Any other ideas, issues, or options I should be aware of? Thanks a bunch.""

Cheapest car insurance for young new drivers?

Please help! I am sitting my test on the 21st of November and would really like to buy and insure a car if i pass asap. So far the cheapest ive found is 3700 using comparison sites on a Daewood 0.8Litre engine. Third party cover only. I was hoping to get a policy under 2,500. I will be the only name on the policy (none of my parents drive) and Ive heard about pass pluss etc. All I want to know is the best car insurance companys for new young male drivers and what are the best cars (I have looked at punto's corsa's and clio's but seen that the smaller engine size (like a daewood at 0.8) the cheaper) Thank you!""

""Are there any good insurance companies who dont take part in comparison websites like confused, gocompare etc?""

Are there any good insurance companies who dont take part in comparison websites like confused, gocompare etc?""

Car Insurance Estimate - Looking to buy a car but need to know if I can afford insurance.?

18 year old male License 2 years 1 accident rear ender >$1000 Fulltime student at Virginia Tech where car will be the majority of the year Employed No tickets. I'm looking for a sports car like a Mustang but if the insurance is too outrageous then I'll just get something else. Thanks for anyone's help!

Will I make my bf's parents' car insurance rates go up?

I've lived with my boyfriend and his family for a little over a year now(I pay rent). I am 19 and do not have my license. I have relied on carpools and the bus so it wasn't an issue. Now, I am planning to buy a used car, take the road test and get my own auto insurance. The thing is, they would most likely complain if this would increase their rates. I wish I could just pay a high rate alone- what would be the difference if I just rented a room in a strangers house??lol. I think that it would affect them, but does anyone know for sure?""

Geico Car Insurance?

I have a 2013 Mitsubishi Lancer GT. My mother took the loan out and I was wondering can I get my own insurance (19 years old) and insurance the mitsubishi even though the loan is in her name?

How do i get health insurance?

How do I get health insurance for myself? My work doesn't offer health insurance. My husband and all his younger siblings (over 18) are now covered under my mother-in-law's insurance from her work.

""What is the most reliable, low insurance, cheap small car-max budget 1200?""

I have an 'N' reg Nissan Micra, had it for around 4 years now, it's costing me more than it's worth in repairs and I need to get rid of it! It has been incredible reliable though, engine wise, just other stupid things (no doubt, age related) clutch has just gone and I could have done without that this side of xmas :( but at the moment, not in the position to replace it til next year. Trying to do my homework on cars til then, I have narrowed it down in this order: Volkswagen Polo Suzuki Swift Nissan Micra (obviously, a few years newer) Seat Ibiza (I know, budget pushing it on that one!) and finally, Ford Fiesta (don't know why, i find them so boring to look at, hence last on my list) Any view on above cars would be much appreciated, or other suggestions also. I need the car to be very low on insurance and economical to run as well.""

Who do you guys think is the cheapest motorcyce insurance company?

and if you are insured by them do you like the service you get?

What is the cheapest car insurance?

I'm 17 and i'm after buying a car. I have my full licence but every time i look for insurance its 8,000. Whats the best Car to buy, with cheap insurance and who with. Thanks""

How are young drivers expected to build up 'no claims' or experience when insurance prices are so expensive?

Bicycle insurance?

i bought a new bike yesterday from JJB and i just called in JJB today to find out if they do bike insurance and the lady told me that they dont! where can i get bike insurance from?

Cheap car insurance for a new driver?

like the title say do ya know a car insurance that is real cheap for new drivers got my license this month and my car and now i just have to register it and get insurance and i got a job and i just want to know how im going to budget stuff and how much you expect i should pay a moth

Car Insurance for Salvaged Vehicle?

Does anyone know if I can buy full coverage insurance for a salvaged vehicle?

Health Insurance & Prescriptions?

When my doctor writes me a prescription and I fill it up.... does it show up on my health insurance what precriptions I'm taking?

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/insurance-box-keeping-car-different-address-sigrun-sharpe"

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andersonguy-blog1 · 7 years

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Manchester ❤️

When you pray what are you actually praying for? If your praying for things to be different you'll be disheartened time and time again. There is no doubt that the recent events in Manchester is a result of the worst kind of human behaviour the world has known. I read that a young girl the age of 8 died at the scene, what comments or thoughts could possibly be said about this? If there was one way I could illustrate how I feel then if I was at the scene of the incident and I saw someone mourning then id reach out my hand to them, I'd reach out my hand to someone I don't know. In this day and age something as small and humble as this is remarkable in itself. I don't have prayers about the event certainly not in the way nearly everyone is using the word 'pray'. I'm not heartbroken either and I don't send out my thoughts to anyone I don't even know what that means to send out thoughts. 'Sending you good thoughts' - great thanks can you give me your soul instead, your unconditional love, your nonjudgemental true nature, your pure essence? Can you love me and support me however tormented I feel and whatever I may say or do as a result? Are you going to be there when this is all blown over? Sure I could think 'I hope this all heals', 'I wish you and your family the best' and you could say this is caring but it can be either. It can be something thought because one feels they should in order to be a good person or it could be thought with a beautiful witnessing presence behind it. In which case if you are the presence behind your thoughts then you know words are insignificant to being, words can't really hurt or heal either only your presence to them can heal you. So how do you possibly help someone feel this peaceful presence in their self? You either help them to go beyond words too or you hope your words will comfort them to make them feel better, to feel safe and loved. I don't want anyone to be comforted by my words I want them to know they don't need my comfort or anyone else's, I want them to know it in their very soul. The word namaste is one of the oldest symbols/gestures in existence it dates back to 3000 BC to 2000 BC it means I can see the divine in you. That is the greatest thing we could say to anyone 'I can see the divine in you' but hardly anyone knows what it means and we will probably be looked upon strangely for saying it and in a situation like this the cliche phrases that are expected from people would be more respected. 'I hope you feel better soon' - thank you but what does that mean? How can that help me when I'm in utter turmoil? Saying something that appears caring isn't really usually about the person suffering it's usually about the person saying it - they feel better for saying it, it's for them. If you truly want to help someone help them find their love, hold their hand, see through everything they throw at you, share the moment with them whatever, help them see the peace in this very moment, help them silence their destructive mind even just a little, even just for a short time. I can imagine it's very unlikely none of the families affected have anyone around them who just listens and listens and listens without adding anything not one single thing. Maybe just gets up and asks if they want a coffee or some food but then just listens and stays beautifully silent and non judgmental, there is no need to add 'I hope you feel better soon' are you truly sure this will help? That it will add value to their lives? Just feel your best around them, be a light for them. Being silent doesn't mean we can't take action either but any action we take that isn't peaceful is deviated. I'm sure the families of the victims have heard enough thoughts and opinions already, they deserve silence and peace and lightness we all do. I don't connect with the idea of being heartbroken I only want to live and love in gratitude in every single moment, there are so few moments for us to experience compared to existence. Of course the recent events are sad and if I could of prevented it I would of but no one deserves to feel heartbroken or in any pain what so ever. I see people talk about not letting it effect their lives but at the same time they exude fear and worry, I see people trying not to be effected, hopelessness is everywhere. I'm not saying this is a bad thing I'm saying it's not prayer. It may sound shocking to hear me say I'm not heartbroken but it's beautiful to live in a state of gratitude no matter what happens. 'But guy, an innocent young girl aged 8 died at the scene and your not heartbroken for her'. If I was there and the murderer said to me 'either you die or she does' then I would unquestionably give my life for her so me not feeling heartbroken is nothing to do with love. The word heartbroken means suffering and suffering is a choice. Many people uninvolved in the incident feel tormented and my compassion goes out to them as well as the families involved. Of course I'm not against anyone who is heartbroken I truly understand but I'm saying you deserve your gratefulness, always. The other part of this is the hate directed towards the deluded terrorist, I don't connect with it either. Seeing people calling someone with severe delusions and severe mental health issues a monster and vile isn't a pleasant read. This only adds fuel to the fear and it has an adverse effect too because it is likely to encourage terrorism more. When people say they are standing together I don't know what this means either - am I meant to stand with normal human beings as opposed to terrorists? Is this what this means? If it does I have no wish to be involved. I'm not saying I stand with the terrorists haha I'm saying the world doesn't need more segregation it needs silence and peace. Even if standing together meant to ALL stand against hate I still wouldn't be involved, I'm not against hate I embrace hate, I accept it. To be against hate only drives more hate and that's what events like these bring out in so many - more hate and difference. Go on Ariana grandes twitter you will see argument after argument ha who cares, drop your ego, drop your opinions. How can you pray for the world to be better and safe and loving and at the same time 'see' how beautiful this world is? You can't they conflict. One is wanting the other is gratitude. Of course it would be lovely if the world was in harmony and not in chaos but what happens around us doesn't need to change how we feel. Its not easy to connect with much from the Manchester incident, I did like seeing the peaceful crowds joining together in the city centre and Jamie Laing did share something rather endearing too. He just put up a picture of Manchester and a love heart, one of very few who didn't have anything heavy to add - what more needs to be said on the matter ❤️. Also I thought I'd share some beautiful humble words on prayer from a beautiful being - "What is prayer? Ordinarily we think prayer is asking for something, demanding, complaining: you have desires and God can help you to fulfill them. You go to God’s door to ask for something, you go as a beggar. For you prayer is begging, but prayer can never be begging; prayer can only be a thankfulness, a gratitude. But these are totally different: when you go to beg, your prayer is not the end, it is just a means. The prayer is not significant because you are praying to get something; that something is significant, not prayer. And many times you go and your desire is not fulfilled. Then you will drop praying, you will say ”Useless!” For you it is a means. Prayer can never be a means, just as love can never be a means. Love is the end: you love, not for something else; love in itself has an intrinsic value – you simply love. It is so blissful. Nothing is beyond it, there is no result to be sought through it. It is not a means to some end, it is the end. And prayer is love – you simply go and enjoy it, not asking, not begging. Prayer itself, intrinsically, is so beautiful, you feel so ecstatic and happy, that you simply go and give thanks to the divine that he allowed you to be, he allowed you to breathe, he allowed you to see – what colors! – he allowed you to listen, he allowed you to be aware. You have not earned it, this is a gift. You go to the temple with a deep thankfulness, just to give thanks: ”Whatsoever you have given me, it is too much. I never deserved it!” Do you deserve anything? Can you find that you are deserving in any way? If you were not here, could you say that some injustice had been done to you? No! All that you have got is simply a gift, it is out of the divine love. You don’t deserve it. God overflows with his love. When you understand this a quality is born in you: the quality of being grateful. Then you simply go to give him your thanks, then you simply feel gratitude. Gratitude is prayer, and it is so beautiful to feel grateful that nothing can be compared to it, there is nothing in comparison to it. Prayer is the climax of your happiness, it cannot become a means to some other end. Jesus says: AND IF YOU PRAY YOU WILL BE CONDEMNED, because your prayer will be wrong. Jesus knows well that whenever you go to the temple you will go to beg something, to ask for something. It will be a means, and if you make prayer a means, it is a sin. What is your love? because through love you can understand what happens in prayer. Do you love a person – really? Do you love, or does something else exist there? A mutual gratification? When you love a person, do you really love the person? Do you give out of your heart, or do you just exploit the other in the name of love? You use the other in the name of love. It may be sexual, it may be some other use, but you use the other. And if the other says, ”No, don’t use me!” will your love continue to be there, or will it disappear? Then you will say, ”What is the use?” If the other appreciates you, if a beautiful woman appreciates you, your ego is fulfilled. A beautiful woman looks up to you and you feel for the first time that you are a man. But if she does not appreciate you, does not look up to you, love disappears. If a beautiful man, a strong man, looks up to you as a beautiful woman, appreciates you continuously, you feel gratified because ego is fulfilled. This is mutual exploitation – you call it love. And if it creates hell there is no wonder about it; it has to create hell because love is just the name, and under the name something else is hidden. Love can never create hell, love is the very quality of heaven. If you love you are happy; your happiness will show that you are in love. But look at lovers: they don’t seem to be happy – only in the beginning when they are just planning, unknowingly, unconsciously throwing nets to catch each other; but their poetry and their romance and all their nonsense is just to catch the other. Once the fish is caught then they are unhappy, then they feel as if they are in a bondage. Each other’s ego becomes a bondage, and both try to dominate and possess each other. This love becomes condemnation. If your love is wrong your prayer cannot be right, because prayer means love to the whole – and if you have been a failure in love with an ordinary human being, how can you succeed in your love with the divine? Love is just a step towards prayer; you have to learn. If you can love a human being, you know a secret. The same key is to be used with the divine, millions of times magnified and multiplied of course. The dimension is great but the key remains the same. ’Love’ means this is the end, and there is no ego in it. When you are egoless there is love. Then you simply give without asking, without any return. You simply give because giving is so beautiful, you share because sharing is so wonderful – then there is no bargain. When there is no bargain, no ego, love flows – then you are not frozen, then you melt. This melting has to be learned because only then can you pray." Copyright Osho, The Mustard Seed.

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yahoocansuckmyass · 7 years

Text

**disclaimer: if you know me in real life, if you have anything to say, just message me on Facebook or whatever, I’m not in danger of myself, just venting about everything in my life at the moment**

only posting bc there’s really no where else for me to vent about anything

i feel so empty, especially the last few days everything feels so bleak and im unable to generate any emotion other than indifference and sadness. i know it will pass and im trying to take care of myself. going to yoga, eating well and shit like that but i don’t have any motivation. jus feels like im outside of my actual body, watching myself do these things without any feeling of accomplishment or enjoyment after.

and my friends feel so far away, maybe im dissociating? i don’t feel like i can open up to anyone without a shitty response from them. best friend has always come to me in times of need but when I come to them it’s like they’re not even listening or really even grasp that im hurting my boyfriend tells me “think about something else” as if i haven’t gone through years of trying that, im not able to change like that my thoughts flip on a dime and when they do I have 2+ other voices yelling at the only part of me trying to help it feels like a minefield. i try to think that im okay and that I can do this but they teller the sound of my breathing is too loud and i get so uncomfortable in my body that i can’t fucking move. it makes me want to tear out my hair and scratch my skin off. (I’ve been self harm free for almost 2 years and these episodes get really hard to handle but at least i haven’t hurt myself other than biting my lip a bit too much on occasion)

and group therapy now costs too much and I can’t even stop by for an hour.

work doesn’t seem to value me either, i have hardly any hours and in turn no money. I’ve hardly eaten anything in the past few days.

it’s so strange being stuck in this place where im taking care of myself and doing the things i need to and still being so detached and unmotivated. it hasn’t been like this in a long time. everything feels off.

not to mention my home life is just me waking up and already being yelled at for something I don’t even know about, it’s like I could open my eyes the wrong way and get scolded for it. she asks me if im okay and I try to say what’s wrong and she reverts back to “but im hurting too” why even bother asking me if you’re going to just talk about yourself

im never being taken seriously. the only time that i think even my group therapy took me seriously is when i sliced up my arm I remember they were talking about a girl and how “brave she was for being able to show her cuts in the open and talk about them to the group” meanwhile when I talked about my cuts but never showed them, I was almost brushed off. I had cuts that I could fit my fucking hand into, and they didn’t. Even. Believe me.

now I know this post is long and jumpy and inconsistent, and I don’t really care if anyone reads it, but if you do, I’m sorry for the jumping around. I haven’t been able to talk about anything to anyone in a long time. at least not really, not without the making it a competition and telling me it could be worse or saying some people have REAL problems as if my brain doesn’t tell me to drive off the road or cut a vein and bleed out or drown myself in the lake out back.

though I don’t harm myself, though I can keep it together and appear so happy and fine, I still think of suicide every day and it hurts to think about all of the people I’d destroy. and as reassurance, no i won’t kill myself. im not going to let my progress end like that, i know I have good things in my life, im just going through a hard time. high functioning mental illness is something else man.

the past few days have left me so out of it especially. they’ve been the worst. Saturday was a decent day up until my mom left to go out for the night. I was left alone with my thoughts, and then those thoughts blurred out into nothing. just alone. no energy. no motivation. no one to talk to. just emptiness. I walked from room to room without a sound, just to lay down and stare at a wall or ceiling for an hour at a time. I didn’t eat, didn’t sleep. just was there. finally i got up and just fucking bawled my eyes out, thoughts of suicide and self harm bombarded me, I felt so fucking depressed it was like a tidal wave was trying to drown any ounce of sanity i had left. some scars I had forgotten about found their way back to the surface of my neck and boy for some reason that fucked me up, i forgot I even cut my neck, it brought back that sharp hot pain and all the sensations that run through your body. it was terrible, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. and finally I reached out to my cousin, though she had plans, she offered to come get me and hang out at my place with her friend and boyfriend and thank fucking god i did, I would’ve been a mess if she hadn’t. im glad I didn’t try to cancel on her either. my boyfriend was supposed to stay over but ended up cancelling that night too. and he was supposed to come over today. slept through us hanging out. people tend to treat my schedule as if it’s something they can erase and write in a later time or date with no consequences. and gaslight me for being upset about it. All I ever ask for is communication, that’s it. Talk to me, I won’t be upset, but if you lie to me, that’s a slap in the face. I don’t understand how I can literally tell you “it’s fine if you don’t want to hang out or talk, but you need to let me know asap so I can adjust my plans” and you still lie to my face or just disregard me completely. I’ve had people tell me 10 minutes before I’m supposed to get them “nah sorry fam” and that’s it. Only to find out they made better plans and are posting about it all over the place.

it’s fucking shitty. everything has been shitty. I can’t afford food or anything for that matter, my friends aren’t really even there, my boyfriends always busy doing whatever he does, my mom doesn’t listen to a damn word I have to say, my work doesn’t feel like home anymore (I used to LOVE going to work and getting to make people feel beautiful and talk about new shit and now it feels like a chore, I’m not treated like a valued employee anymore rather than disposable).

all i can do is continue to exist in this cycle of high function dissociation.

next topic on miahs 5 years of nothing talked about post: self love vs self hatred

as i said before, im actually taking care of myself. I’ve had hip bursitis for years now that has turned me into a borderline cripple with excruciating pain at almost all times of the day, and this is another thing that people don’t take seriously. my mom calls me a hypochondriac and that it’s not that bad, everyone just…dismisses it i guess? regardless, this is a thing that’s impaired me during my daily life and it’s only added on to the various health issues that make it hard to feel healthy and love my body.

I’ve always been critical of myself, specifically my appearance. I’ve made lists of things I hate about myself. I’ve had people contribute to this, but it’s not anyone’s fault that I did the things I did to myself except my own. 3 years ago I graduated high school at my highest weight and met a person who would end up being my inspiration to losing weight the wrong ways. we were both entirely toxic to each other and I ended up using laxatives and throwing up, and not eating and working out excessively to lose 70lbs in less than 6 months. the only problem is that I didn’t see a change in my weight, i felt like I was just as fat, just as disgusting as when I started. it was obsessive for me to lose weight. and everyone congratulated me on the success I’ve had. until cosmetology school where I ended up gaining all of it back due to lack of time for exercise and heavy depression and my hip problems. (also congrats if you’re still reading this, im not entirely sure when ill stop writing) i felt like I failed myself, and every time I tried to adjust my diet I’d just end up not eating and it scared me, I didn’t want to be back to that place. I didn’t want to feel like that again. (Today, I’m actually doing well with my diet and sticking to it in baby steps so I don’t overwhelm myself) granted I still feel guilty every time a crumb of food enters my mouth, I have this weird paranoia that everyone is watching when I eat and that all they think is that I’m fat and of course I’d be eating now. and that’s why I can’t be the only one who eats when I’m with friends, everyone needs to eat so I don’t feel so disgusting I guess?

the few months after I stopped cutting and shit were hard but i was in a pretty good mind set, I think January 2016 was the best I’ve ever been, but as expected it didn’t last. and don’t get me wrong, i cherish the fuck out of the good times I have in my life, I’m not some dick that dismisses all of the good things and just says im a basket case with no hope or friends. I love the people in my life with all of my heart, and I love the good times we have and the good things that happen. but I’ve never been able to discuss and move past all of the bad things. it seems like I’m being told to just push it back farther and farther because they don’t want to have to deal with it right now. and i could be wrong, and for some of those people I am wrong. but again, their responses to whenever I do open up are disheartening, and some don’t mean to come off that way but it persists. which makes me question why do I even bother. see, this a good platform for me to vent because it’s just that, I don’t need anyone to reply and say sorry or tell me I’m wrong, it’s just here and I got it out. that’s all I’ve been trying to do.

I’ve really never wanted any advice, i know what I need to do and what’s right and what’s wrong, its an ongoing battle for me, and I just needed someone to listen. and that never happened, there was always competitive comparisons, always criticism, always gaslighting, always dismissive. And maybe it’s because when I actually try to TALK, I freeze up and can’t say what I need to in the right way. but still! More than half the time I open up, I just get more reasons to shut back down. back to self love and shit (sorry), I’m trying to love myself despite what it sounds like. just because a big part of me only holds dislike for myself, doesn’t mean there isn’t a part that just wants to love. it’s just been years of these expectations and standards forced down my throat to the point where quite honestly, I’m fucking confused I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t

I’m not gonna get into relationships for the soul fact that I could go on for days about them and this is post is way longer than I anticipated already SO. That’ll be another day (probably tonight since I’m to the point of just not giving a fuck and dishing out every emotion I’ve felt in the last 5 years)

and again back to self love, lately, i don’t weigh myself because I know that if I do, I’ll get depressed and obsessive again and I really can’t deal with it now. I hate my stomach first and foremost. that’s literally the main thing that I just want to cut off my fucking body. i half the time can’t even look at myself because I’ll just get stuck in one of those fuck you miah states. and to address something real *quick*, I don’t need the, “well stop complaining and do something about it” BITCH I AM. I am actually doing everything for it!! but my shitty brain doesn’t let me see progress, for all i know I could have lost 30 lbs and still think I look exactly the same (and part of the reason why I chose yoga was because it all stems from your core so it’s always engaged…and it’s hot yoga so I sweat out at least a pound every time I go, and I went every day last week) i dunno why I can never see positive changes, but when I lost all that weight back in 2014, I didn’t even go down a bra size, let alone pant size and that really fucked me up. It was weird having people compliment me and say how good i looked but still felt the same size. I don’t get it, I could see the numbers go down but my eyes never saw a damn change on myself. Imagine losing 100lbs and still being the same pant size. And I did think we’ll maybe it’s because I still hated myself and was losing weight in an u healthy way but even now with me doin all these great things for my body, I see no change at all. I jus wanna be healthy now, not skinny.

^^talking about my body is my least favorite thing to do so if you have anything to say about it please just don’t, I’m jus here to get this shit off my chest.

I think im just about done, currently brainstorming to see if I missed anything or if I want to touch back on certain things. All that’s left I think is relationships?? So maybe I will write a bit about it? ….I wrote about it then deleted all of it because without going into brutal detail there’s no reason for it to be shoved into this.

I’m pretty sure I’m finished, I may or may not ever check back in here to update or whatever. I guess we’ll see.

If you made it to the end, congrats you spent 15 to 25 minutes reading an absolute mess of a post. Hopefully you could keep up with all my jumping around.

#tw #trigger warning #kinda #vent #personal #depression #ed #anxiety #self care #self journey #the many ups and downs that are my life #I'll read this late and think about how fucking crazy I sound

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