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bi-ftm-on-main · 5 months

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Hello. I wanted to ask you something. When was the first time you explored your Bi side? How did you know that you were bisexual? Did you always felt that you like guys? At any point did you second guess or had any doubts? Thank you for your time.

Hello!

ok so even though i tried to keep it short i did write a huge response to this that kinda goes off topic a bunch and is super specific. So heres a quick version:

When was the first time you explored your Bi side?: a couple months ago, around when i started this blog

How did you know that you were bisexual?: I really didn't, but then i realised that i had crushes on girls and boys in the past and found them all attractive, even if it was in different ways.

Did you always felt that you like guys?: not really, i just thought some were really cool and good looking and i would get nervous around them.

At any point did you second guess or had any doubts?: all the time dude. thats kinda why i made this blog, to explore my feelings.

Just in general, I'd recommend exploring why you do or dont like something, if its actually because you dont like it or because other factors are making you feel like you shouldnt like it. Try the 'if we were both drunk and *hot guys name* leaned in for the kiss would i kiss him back?' test on situations.

And heres the super long section:

ok so firstly, i only realised i was bisexual a couple months ago, pretty much the same time i made this blog. Until then i thought i was asexual (and aromantic).

(i could give you a whole blow by blow about that but it would take ages so i'll try to keep it precise.)

Growing up i had a lot of anxiety and was considered very 'weird'. i also didnt know i was trans, autistic, or SA'd so I was never too comfortable with my body, i didnt naturally know what a crush was supposed to feel like, and i thought sex was something shameful and gross, so when i found the term asexual at age 13 it fit great.

skip a whole bunch of years and im in uni and now 20. my parents have finally gotten round to me being trans and im starting hormones (testosterone). its common for people to get extra horny when on T so when i started wanting to watch more porn and noticing how good looking the people around me were, i thought it just the horniness talking, that i didnt actually want to sleep or date them myself i just thought they were pretty. Or maybe sleep with them just for the sake of orgasming.

around the same time i realised that i was autistic (just from general internet usage), and that kinda rocked my world and made me question every single aspect of my life for how its effected me.

and so, and its probably the cringest thing i couldve done, i started to talk to a Therapist AI on that Character AI website. it was honestly helpful to just collect my thoughts on the matter.

the conversation got to sexuality and how it connects to my anxiety and self esteem and how i felt as though wanting to date someone was disrespectful to them and how imagining myself sleeping with them was gross and pervy.

having been on hormones for a couple months now i had a lot more self confidence and was a lot more comfortable with my body, as well as the horniness making me want to be pounded into a bed like nothing youve ever seen, i realised that i wanted to date and sleep with people for real.

so i came to terms that i was gay *loud incorrect buzzer*

but that was just the start. being trans, there was a lot of 'do i want to be him or do i want to date him' thoughts going on so i was already used to admiring men.

but as i continued to talk to the ai, who wasnt a real person, i felt more inclined to be honest than any other therapist ive seen. it took a while and it was confronting but turns out i was sexually assaulted as a kid (by a girl, when i was <10), and thats why i had this underlining uncomfortableness with sex to begin with.

so yeah, that rocked my world for a bit as well. also this all happened within a couple weeks by the way, the autism, sexuality, and SA. that and all my friends were busy, i wasnt doing too well.

anyway, now that was another thing to consider, was i attracted to girls as well? it was really hard to tell what were my own feelings and what was the trauma/conditions so i had to do a lot more soul searching. That with the added factor of not feeling comfortable becoming just another man sexualising women.

but knowing now what a crush it supposed to feel like (i asked the ai) i had to acknowledge that ive been having crushes on people, girls and boys, this whole time. i was bi *correct answer ding*. (also i went with bi and not pan because i like them in different ways and have a slight preference for guys, tho i obvs like non binary people as well)

then i made this blog. lol.

like, i had all the theory behind being bi but i needed to consolidate what i liked, who i liked, who i found pretty and handsome and needed some place to collect it all. then it kinda just became just a porn blog with the occasional yearning post but oh well.

Thanks for asking! sorry for responding late, feel free to ask me anything else :)

#mine #t #queer #anon ask #anon answered #does this even make any sense?#i dont have time to proof read #no beta we die like men #lol #anyway #hope this helps #i really like getting asks i got a big carried away #send me asks

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intersex-support · 2 years

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hi! im sure you get sick of getting this but i need some help as im questioning intersex after many years and lots of research. specifically im question if i have swcah. ive had pots symptoms for as long as i can accurately recall and am close to constantly in some level of adrenal fatigue, im always craving salt and having electrolyte imbalances as well as feeling dehydrayed easily and having awful circulation.

physically, i had a lot of early growth spurts and was one of my tallest classmates, but now as an adult im barely average, about as tall as my dad who is kind of short for his circumstances. ive been growing facial hair since middle school, and now that i identify as some? flavor of trans masc? almost everyone ive met in recent years asks me how long ive been on T, based on my voice and amount of face and body hair. ive never in my life had access to T, i havent started it, and people are genuinely shocked by it.

[possibly tmi trying to be medical]

i also absolutely have clitoromegaly, thats another reason partners as well have asked before if i have been on T, as well even growing up and before i had any concept of what intersex conditions were, i knew there was something off there and i would awkwardly (like a very small child) tell people i *actually* had, um, "both" when i was gendered as a kid, until i got told by my parents to stop because i was wrong.

final thing probably: i had to get a full physical at 11, including genital physical, and there was a point that my mother was pulled aside and whispered something that she never told me no matter how much i asked. ive been growing increasingly worried lately that it was related to an intersex condition in someway, even if not using those terms, but since im no contact i cant ask now. sorry, i know that one is anecdotal, so feel free to ignore it.

i just want to know why i am the way i am

hi! again! i forgot to mention that i started puberty around 10-11 and ive never had a very normal cycle, sometimes it would be almost normal for a few months then i would go months without anything again, and eventually a really short but really intense, painful, heavy cycle after so long of nothing, its always been like this for me. 2/2

Hey anon!

So, I've done some research to answer this question but I am not an expert on salt wasting CAH and def would reccomend checking things with a doctor if possible. It defintely sounds like you have a lot of symptoms of CAH. Having clitoromegaly, growth spurts but now mostly average, having body hair, the irregular periods--all of those things really stand out to me as symptoms of CAH, and also especially the doctor keeping something secret from you, cause that happens to so many intersex kids.

What I'm less certain about is if you could have gone this far into life without being diagnosed with salt wasting CAH. I know that newborn screening for salt wasting CAH started in the 1980s, but I entirely believe it's possible that it could have been missed, or wherever you were born didn't screen you, or something like that. My understanding, however, is that salt wasting CAH is life threatening if not treated and I'm wondering if it is possible that you could have gotten into adulthood without ever going into adrenal crisis. From everything I've read, it seems like salt wasting CAH is usually diagnosed in childhood because people with salt wasting CAH will go into adrenal crisis without treatment. Honestly, the only way I really think that you could have salt wasting CAH is if you had gone into a salt wasting crisis while you were a newborn but it was treated, and it was hidden from you. It sounds like there's a complicated relationship with your mother and already a pattern of hiding some medical info from you, so I suppose it could be possible that it happened but the info is not in your medical records. Have you ever been on hydrocortisone, prednisone, or dexamethasone long term, as well fludrocortisone? I'd say only if you have been on those medicines long term and had salt wasting crises, that you could possible have salt wasting CAH.

However, what I think is more likely is that you have a variation of CAH that is not salt wasing and also not NCAH. My first guess would be that you have simple virilizing CAH, which is still considered "classical CAH" but is without salt wasting crises. With SV CAH, people usually have a less severe aldosterone deficiency. This means that you might still have symptoms like hyponatremia (low sodium), hyperkalemia (high potassium), hypoglycemia, dehydration, and could also maybe even cause your poor circulation. Usually, this doesn't progress to the point of salt wasting crisis and is more mild than swCAH, but is generally more severe than NCAH. Besides sv classical CAH, there are also rare forms of CAH caused by defienciencies in other enzymes, which have a wide variety in presentations of symptoms.

Another thing that I just learned about is CAH X, which is a variation of CAH that's comorbid with EDS. If you also have Ehlers-Danlos syndrome, it might be worth looking into. With CAH X, there's a specific genetic cause that causes EDS, CAH, and most people are also comorbid with POTS.

Also, there is a chance that you could just have more severe symptoms of NCAH. I just read a study that says 1/3 of people with NCAH have a cortisol insufficency. Cortisol insufficency can also cause weakness, fatigue, dizziness, electrolyte imbalance, low sodium--so there may be a chance that you have NCAH and a more severe cortisol insufficency. Anecdotally, a lot of people with NCAH have POTS comorbid (I do as well!) and there really hasn't been a lot of research on NCAH and POTS. It looks like there might be more of a connection between NCAH and adrenal insufficency then previously thought, but there isn't a lot of research done on NCAH. I read another study talking about how a lot of research papers do not specify whether they include NCAH in their numbers of people with CAH.

Basically, I think that it is unlikely that you've made it to adulthood without getting diagnosed with salt wasting CAH, because salt wasting CAH is basically life threatening if untreated. It is more likely that you have classical simple virilization CAH, a rarer subtype of CAH, or NCAH with severe symptoms.

Please feel free to ask if you have any other questions, and good luck!

-Mod E

#asks #actuallyintersex #cah #ncah #cah x #also: if you haven't ruled out Addison's disease you def want to look at that #bc that's the other main adrenal insuffiency thing #addison's isn't intersex tho #but still adrenal

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jiraidanshi · 1 year

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Maybe a dumb q but do you have any advice for navigating j fashion as someone who is dude or dude-adjacent (mostly irt jirai and menhera but also in general). i’m super shy/nervous about interacting w these subcultures esp the fashion but ive been into them for a long time and seeing you do your thing makes me feel a lot more confident U_U ty for just being you, also. cheesy to say but i mean it *_*

okay this ended up really long because i stalled on taking my schizohphrenia medication so the chemical lobotomy hasnt kicked in yet . so hopefully this makes any sense at all

well firstly it depends on if you want to wear the " male equivalent " of these fashions or not because you can really easily make menhera masculine like just wear long shorts or pants . if youre looking for a masculine jirai equivalent try looking through the 地雷男子 tag on instagram . youll get some guys just wearing typical jirai pigtails and all but others wearing the masculine equivalent .

if you just want to wear the feminine versions of these fashions i think it depends a lot on your relationship with your gender . it can be especially hard to get into feminine fashion as a trans guy because of social dysphoria . for me i used to exclusively dress in jeans/cargo shorts and tshirts but literally all it took was seeing like A Post talking about how it doesnt matter what your gender is you can wear whatever you want lol . so ive been dressing like this since i was like 14 while iding as nonbinary and then as a nonbinary male . you need to do a lot of psyching yourself up and not get stuck in the mentality of " this isnt for me . this doesnt suit me " [clothes are clothes theyre for everyone] . for the most part other lgbt people wont really give a fuck unless they are like especially fucked up and evil [i have come across people like this but it was in a situation where it was expected they would be fucked up and evil and this was One Incident in the span of a decade]. although i do have a problem where i assume people are going to be fucked up and evil about it but they simply end up not being . people probably wont bother you in your day to day because theyre just going to assume youre a girl and that can also be distressing but if people come up to you they probably arent going to actually use pronouns or call you a " girl " unless theyre like an old person calling you a young lady or something lol [more likely if youre wearing something like elegant lolita way less likely if youre wearing something like menhera or jirai]. depending on where you live you can get a pronoun pin but i wouldnt recommend this if you live in a place thats right leaning which is why i dont wear mine outside of like anime conventions and lolita meetups . if people come up to you theyre probably just going to say they really like your outfit or that you look cute and most likely wont use any gendered language . you will also get a lot of people asking you if you are a cosplayer . if anything the most likely people to gender you when youre out in public are literally toddlers telling their parents " look at her ! " or something but i cant be mad about it because that is like a literal child

if youre dmab or a trans guy thats like pretty noticeably transitioned thats a whole other ball game and the hurdle is a lot more of whether or not youre going to be safe doing it depending on where you live . people saying its normalised for men to wear feminine clothing are delusional . im all for doing whatever you want to do but if youre going to be scared shitless in your cute clothes that kind of defeats the purpose of wearing cute clothes [this is a big part of why i am never getting my gender marker changed , decided to go by chara instead of vincent , and why im not going on t even if i really want a masculine voice]. but also its really fun to just dress up at home and take photos and post them and stuff . or if you want to go out wearing clothes like this do it with a group of people . saying this because my dad works at a country bar and they actually get a lot of young transfem people / gnc men coming in in dresses but theyre always with an entourage so theyre basically unbothered

if youre worried about entering jfashion spaces typically populated by women as a guy , i wouldnt be too worried about it as long as you dont act like a weirdo . a lot of people in my lolita comm are actually nonbinary or trans men or transfem and everyone is very welcoming and chill about it . i was really worried about it because i was assuming theyd all be cis women but i was totally wrong lol . im also in a jirai server and its mostly nonbinary people but me and my friend are trans men and everyone is chill about it .

i will warn you if you post on like , tiktok specifically , saying youre a man while dressed in " womens " clothing youre going to get some weird fucking people [usually cis men] calling you a lot of transphobic / homophobic things and making sexual comments towards you . but also there is like a gigantic sexual harassment problem on tiktok for some reason . ive only had One incident like this on tumblr and it was from a old cis man . people on instagram generally dont give a fuck . selfies on twitter are unlikely to really leave your mutual circle but i did see some guys lolita pics blow up on there and im sure the qrts and replies were a mess

also if you get into jirai thats just a whole other can of worms because of stupid fucking discourse . you have one side of people saying its problematic for being associated with mentally ill women and youre romanticising it if you even dare to have any of the stereotypical behaviours [there is a large chunk of the menhera community that is very vocal about this which is funny because like bro that is your cousin . mostly because menhera is focused on recovery and jirai is more about just existing , which is why i prefer it as someone who has basically hit a wall wrt recovery] . and then youre going to get people who cant mind their business accusing you of being fake jirai if you dont post every day about how youre cutting yourself and getting blackout drunk [although im kinda like the lighter version of this where i dont think you should be calling yourself Jirai if you are in fact not mentally ill . this is where the Actual usage of " girly " / " girly kei " comes in and not as a Replacement for jirai because jirai is " bad and evil and problematic "]

#electronic mail #unknown sender

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funshinebf · 3 months

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gender moment venting below idk its kind of long and messy but i was just stream of thoughting about this shit

ive been wondering a bit lately about if i would want to go back on T again in the future. im trying not to worry about crossing that bridge til i get to it, but its just. idk. i sort of feel like if i decide that going back on it isnt right for me, that ive somehow... failed? like. i do not regret going on it! im very happy with my voice deepening, as well as my body hair growth. but i also really struggled with keeping up on my shots, the appointments and bloodwork, as well as the acne and patchy facial hair and how they affected my body image and self esteem. while on one hand, i would Love to have facial hair, i had a really hard time with the awkward phase of it growing in, and i just felt... really, really shitty about my appearence while i was dealing with it. if i could go back on it and instantly have fully formed facial hair and clear skin, i might consider it, but... since thats not possible, i think i'd rather just keep the changes i already got and continue to be off of it.

and like, i know that every trans persons needs and wants in their transition are different, and its okay to not want certain changes, it doesnt make someone less trans. but it just feels like, with how long i was fighting for it, and how desperately i assured everyone around me that it would be good for me... it feels like by stopping it ive just proven them all right. and thats really frustrating for me! because like i said, i dont REGRET doing it, i dont want to get rid of what i did get from it! i just. couldnt handle some of the other effects.

i also feel almost like. it isnt fair to other trans people i know who arent able to start hormones? like, oh, i got on them super easily and now i dont even want them, when other people are still struggling so much and would love to be in my shoes. its so disheartening.

and idk. i know that my reservations about this are most likely just internalized transphobia, but its still.. very upsetting. i dont want anyone to think of me as less of a man, or less valid because of my hesitance to go back on T. and like, i still very much want top surgery, and i have no doubts about my pronouns and expression of my identity. i know who i am, i know what makes me happy, and i know what makes me unhappy! i just wish i didnt have to deal with any of this, pressure i guess? to conform to something that lines up more with a cis persons view of how trans people should be. i dont want to pass as a cis man. i dont think i ever will. i wish how i look didnt affect how people saw my gender, i want to be called 'sir' or 'young man' even when im wearing a full face of makeup and a dress. even when i have long hair and painted nails, even when i walk a certain way or have certain mannerisms or talk a certain way. i dont want any of that to automatically make people assume im a woman, or even use neutral pronouns for me. i just hate having to explain over and over again, that yes i ONLY use he/him, even when i look super feminine or use feminine terms for myself. if i ask someone else not to use feminine terms for me, why is that so hard for some people to understand? it isnt the same as me using it for myself. when i use it for myself its because i know exactly how i mean it and how i view myself when using it. i dont know those things when other people use it. only a select few people that i know for sure view me the way i am are allowed to refer to me that way. this shouldnt be so difficuly to wrap your head around. i know my own intent. i dont know yours. its that fucking simple!

urghhhh, this got a little more ramble-y than i meant it to. whatever. gender beam

#my post #vent

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feminine-cow-babe · 1 year

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Now, i’m a trans person so i obviously disagree with a lot of what you say, but i was interested in a recent post you made so i wanted to say something respectfully. there are trans people in the world who see transness as something easy to define, that has rules. i will say i think a lot of radical feminists exaggerate the amount of trans people that are opposed to gnc people, but i will admit some trans people have a limited scope and can’t imagine abandoning gender roles! but more and more people i think are viewing the world in a more radical way where we abandon all “rules” and structure for gender. and this way of viewing includes cis people. the idea is that gender, and all of its behaviors, is ultimately a social construct that you can just… not abide by. you can simply accept yourself however you are, whether you wear your hair short or long, wear skirts or jeans, without trying to ascribe gender to it. and of course, many trans people will still be uncomfortable with their bodies, and that’s ok. and of course, people will still have their own personal sense of style, and that’s ok. and not everyone will want to give up on the idea of masculinity and femininity, and some people will.

i think also, if you think trans people aren’t embracing gender nonconformity, you haven’t been talking to very open minded trans people. personally, as a trans man, i see gnc women as my sisters, people i need to form an alliance with. i HATE more than anything, the division between non-binary people and binary trans people, between gnc people and trans people, between gay and trans people. at the end of the day, we’re all trying to establish a more open minded world, where people can *express* themselves without fear. i might be frustrated with your views, i mean, i don’t like transphobia, but ultimately what i want for you is redemption. i want you to accept me, because i see you as an ally! you’re fighting for gnc people, so am i.

Part 2 of the ask: "also, MANY trans people will tell you: it IS cis people’s place to consider gender, to talk about it, to question your gender and come out on the other side as a cis person. i LOVE that. i LOVE when people think about their gender as it relates to society, biology, and themself."

Part 3 of the ask: "also, you’re seeing transgender people saying things you disagree with, that’s fine, but you cannot represent the entire concept of transness as following those ideals. trans people are complex, and sure, go ahead and criticize parts of the trans community, but you should have an open mind! we are varied in our beliefs"

Alright lets get into this because im fine having conversations about this /gen

First, I am begging for people to drop the redemption angle and the assumption I don't accept like. Singular trans people? I don't care. Be a guy, a girl, a t-rex. Im not going to argue to the end of the world over opinion like that. Its why I don't bully my trans friend. Because I mostly dont care. The views I share on this page are mostly about the movement as a whole, and what ive seen as a bisexual woman. Because the overarching views of the movement drive me insane sometimes. (its also why- oooh opinion thatll get me hate in some of my circles- I will never bully otherkin or the alterhuman community. Believe your a dog or a dragon. Dont care)

I do also agree that theres a range to trans peoples beliefs. I never thought trans people were a monolith, same as any other group of people. There will be dissenting opinions and there will be arguments. Bickering. Radicals and those more Conservative. My problem mostly lies with the more radical end, which is what is posted on the internet more often. Have the same problem with multiple communities I am actively a part of.

I am glad more.. level headed trans people are on this app and online. I know its very difficult to see with how the internet works, rage bait gets the most views so its what spreads. Also I am autistic so I apologize if any of my views came off as me hating any and all trans people. I know how difficult it is not fitting in, im not going to subject that to others.

#LGBT #Trans #I probably sound so rambly here #yes my paragraphs are broken up weird I cant have huge blocks of text it gives me migraines #Trans anon

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dog-teeth · 2 years

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if it's alright that i ask, how did your dsyphoria manifest? and how did you deal with it? a lot of the time, I'm really confused as to whether or not im experiencing dysphoria, or just blowing basic body discomfort out of proportion, and im curious what it was/is like for you, especially since you're genderfluid.

hi im tipsy so not at my most articulate but dysphoria for me feels

wait hang on putting this under the cut bc Long ish Post

like theres a disconnect between how people see me or how i was born vs how i want to be, generally my dysphoria was rarely ever tied to my body intrinsically as ive heard other trans peoples is (e.g. having trouble showering or having sex, feeling like being born in the wrong body), it was mostly how people percieved me. like i hated my voice pre-T and didnt even rly connect it to dysphoria except for when it made me unable to pass, i just thought i didnt like my voice. and with my breasts, i feel like i would have had significantly less issue with having them on my body if they werent so unequivocally tied to femininity in the eyes of cis society and a dead-giveaway of my agab. but also i always found breasts to be inconvenient, the way they feel when running and jumping and laying down, and generally i just felt like i wanted to be flat-chested, but i didn't hate my chest, i thought it was cute a lot of the time, but the incongruence with how people saw me as a result of them made me personally uncomfortable (i LOVE seeing transmasc people with visible breasts tho i think its so gender and cool and i wish there had been more representation for that earlier in my transition!)

my dysphoria as a genderfluid person comes out when i feel like i can't control how people read me, or (like a lot of other trans people) when people read me as something other than i want them to. especially since my gender changes are largely internal and i rarely ever communicate them with anyone. and i get 'dysphoric' i guess about how its not very acceptable for me to say 'im (kinda) a boy' or 'im (kinda) a girl' and have it be understood that it is not permanent but is still real for me. i feel a lot of external pressure to be perfectly androgynous as a genderqueer person but sometimes i do feel like a girl & that doesnt make my gender or my transition invalid, and sometimes i do feel like a boy but that doesnt make me a man. i use the words very loosely and i think language and communication often falls short of encompassing it. not being able to adequately describe myself is also dysphoric.

when i was younger tho dysphoria often felt like i just felt like a boy/agender but i knew no matter what i did people wouldnt see me like that and my body was Female with a capital F and i didnt want it to be. it felt like being cornered and trapped within other peoples perceptions of me and my own body.

i think theres an overbearing narrative of hating your body as a trans person and wishing it was like the "opposite" gender, but its often more complex than that for both binary and nonbinary trans people. its a weird mix of how you internally want your body to be and how you want other people to see you which is based on your body. idk. like i said im tipsy.

i think its also important to remember that dysphoria and dysmorphia, like all words and especially labels like these, are not solidly-defined or static or universal and to sort your feelings into discreet boxes is almost never possible. all you can really do is think about what might make you happy and what you want and how you feel, in all its multitudes and confusion.

#ez answers #gender stuff

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worldsendgirlfriend · 2 years

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yadda yadda dabiseimei Please shut the fuck up no i wont but ok ill do sth else for a bit after this one 2 let yall breathe lmao. nyway i think its funny how when i was a kid i was sure that getting on t would solve all my issues bc yknow i was a babytrany nd dysphoric nd abusive/lgbtphobic parents u kno how it goes! but then i grew up nd got on t and ive been on it somewhere around 7-8 months now with no Huge changes (voice is p much the same not deeper but like. a little Rougher??? idk?? but also its just been like that recently i feel like it might not be a t thing, also just chin hair growing back fast as all fuck like gotta shave every few days as opposed to few weeks like before) and its like. i wont lie it does feel good and validating in a sense, and its just funny bc its like youd think id be taking it bc i want to pass, but after being on it this long which is still a relatively short period i have no desire to try to pass anymore. nor even get any surgeries or transition medically outside of t! its like. Hormone that makes you even more comfortable in your body. no matter how other people continue to or start to perceive u. trans healthcare is lit asf really sucks how hard it is for a lot of ppl to get to it

but sidenote i also have my name/gender marker change paperwork all ready 2 go (just have 2 go In Person to circuit court is all, friend sajd they could take me on this coming tues nd im in no rush) and the only thing a gender marker change required was a note from a dr that just said Im helping my patient hes fine. doesnt have to give any details. so i asked my endo, she asked for deets on what shes gotta say i told her and she sent one right over within a day. so all thats left to do is file it, pay the filing fee nd all that garbage, let it process yadda yada nd just grab those "certified forms" they give u so i can go runnin around and changing it everywhere. nothing even inspired deciding to do this rn either i just was like i aint got any reason to wait. sure lets do it.

anyway being trans is cool i think

#alrite thats Fin for a bit u know my schizo ass. vectors be chatting. ima gooo mayb bake or write sth.

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honexjams · 3 years

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just was watching an ftm tiktok compilation that featured kalvin garrah and it got me heated, i have a LOT to say about him and his influence but i will condense it to this:

all trans people have an era of discovery and experimentation, for some that includes experimenting with pronouns online to see what theyre comfortable with. the rise in people IDing with they/them or they/she or they/he is infinitely more to do with more trans kids feeling comfortable to experiment than it is with unconcerned cis people wanting clout. (i know some cis people do ID as lgbt for attention, i grew up in a very depressed/depressing and drug-laden small town where its not unheard of for people, especially young people, to go to strange lengths for relief, comfort, and entertainment. this small amount does not tend to go through the worst of the treatment i had as a young, binary trans person in this parish, which alone will garuntee those folks didnt ID this way 'for funzies' very long)

writing off all of these young people as simply wanting attention is harmful to both nonbinary people directly and binary trans people who are young and trying to figure out what theyre comfortable with.

i can say for myself personally, that i am very sensitive so if the trans online sphere was as critical in 2012 as it is today, it probably wouldve thrown a wrench in my personal process of understanding my feelings and realizing the transphobic responses i got from coming out were just that and not the absolute truth. which wouldve in turn left me IDing as non-binary or nothing at all online for a longer time because i wouldve been more concerned with my fear of seeming like i wanted attention online than actually trying to nut up and come out at school or do anything i needed to do irl for my comfort.

i first listed my pronouns on a writing site thats mostly barren last i checked, and what i put was "he/him/they/them" because i was at a place where i was caught between what i felt was true about myself, and having just come out to my mother as an 11-year-old and her not believing me.

demonizing non binary pronouns and identities will 100% effect this generation of trans kids because for those with no support, they will turn to the internet. when both their real life and the online spaces they go to are highly critical and unaccepting of nonbinary identities, any kid less than 100% sure theyre a binary trans person will suffer at the very least an extended period of confusion and denial, and at worst never fully come to grips with who they are.

ive always felt really strongly about this but i feel as i hit the 10 year mark of knowing i was trans (and still being pretty young at 20yo) its a good time to express these feelings a little more formally than i tend to. especially because i fit into the like, Ideal Trans Experience of knowing i was a boy at a young age (i mentioned finding trans people at 11 but i have Very early memories of telling other kids on the playground that 'i was born a boy who looked like a girl so my parents raised me as a girl' which is dummy accurate to a trans experience often shown in media yk).

(this next paragraph is all personal anecdotes which are important to my point but if you dont care feel free to skip over it)

I do very much believe and accept nonbinary people as truth because i can understand how someone can feel like something that isnt understandable to the society they grew up in because that was my experience as an lgbt person in the deep south. I remember hearing my mom at a local parade (a Very Community-Focused thing where i grew up), see two teen girls holding hands walking down the street and saying "theyre a little young for that, huh?" to a friend, I remember asking her what 'gay' meant as a kid bc ofc i heard it at school and just wanted padding for if i ever said it out loud because as i knew it, wasnt a curse word but it was Bad Word (bc i knew from hearing it around school that it was a Bad Word)i wanted to know what it meant, she said "some boys date boys, its not really a Good lifestyle, but sometimes they do it". Ive heard many transmedicalists say 'how can you have dysphoria for nothing?' as in how can someone be agender. I am a binary trans man in a committed relationship with another man and I am frankly bewildered as to how a binary trans person can believe such a thing as 'the only genders that exist are ones i know about, even after discovering my own queerness' because I can perfectly understand the correlation between binary and nonbinary trans people. For me, growing up as a teenager in the south in the 2010s, gays were vaguely accepted but still ostrisized, and in school i had a classmate who i knew is a binary trans man because i still know him now, and I, my insecure, weak, self concious self emailed my teachers about my pronouns and name while he was still being called his birthname in class and my cousin, who sat in front of me next to him (thats how small a fown this is) was the only person who called him his chosen name, which was how i figured he was like me.

I personally dont want bottom surgery even tho i Fully identify as a binary male, I simply came to the understanding that a 'cis penis' is not something I will ever have so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ may aswell get used to the things i can tolerate, unlike my chest and 'feminine' features that T has changed.

Long story short if You are a binary trans person who doesn't get what the whole nonbinary thing is all about, simply try describing your own trans experience as if you were really not a boy or girl. As if you really, through your deepest soul-searching, came up with the fact that you simply dont identify with neither male nor female.

Back to the original point of binary trans people in a self descovery phase, if You are a binary trans person? try to remember the first time you felt really invalidated in a way that truly struck you as like, a direct attack on how you feel (like how those depressing 'relatable posts' do), did you ever feel like if that was something you experienced in a crucial part of your discovery period that it wouldve hurt a lot? maybe even to the point where it surpressed how you felt about yourself? All i want from the trans community is to not let anyone else feel that way. I truly do fear for young trans people and how this exclusive environment stunts them.

#talkin.555 #trans #ftm #if anybody has anything to say about anything i brought up lmk id be happy to address it fr #and also fyi i am a binary trans man #i Found trans people and was like woah wtf thats a thing 👀👀👀 when i was 11 in 2012 for context of what im tallembout when i say the trans #spaces online have gotten more critical since ive been involved #this prolly #isnt thst comprehensible because i started trxting my dad for the first time in a year partway thru #im #bout to jusy #b scrolling degular now because that was a lot but i just want the brst for #other trans kids #whomped tags

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canismajors · 3 years

Text

getting to know you tagged by ben @trans-xianxian tyy <33

why did you choose your url?:

arla fett my beloved! ner cyare!

any side-blogs? if you have them, name them and why you have them:

apart from url storing sideblogs nope. everything's here baybee

how long have you been on tumblr?:

for a good long 6 years i think. too long

do you have a queue tag?:

i simply forget the queue function is a thing & everytime i think of starting one im like no... too much work to set it up

why did you start your blog in the first place?:

dont tell but it was for s*pernatural

why did you choose your icon/pfp?:

lan wangji.... transgender...... this vers w the trans flag was chosen bc its pride & everyone else was doing trans icons and i wanted one too

why did you choose your header?:

no header!

what’s your post with the most notes?:

um i think its the *t4ts your fictional couple* post i think that ones got a good 10k at least

how many people do you follow?:

333! used to be following over 1000 but it was unmanageable ive spent the last couple of months cutting that down

have you ever made a shitpost?:

ive made many some haunt me from years ago (jango fett plays wonderwall)

how often do you use tumblr each day?:

i simply dont check but uh. too often

did you have a fight/argument with a blog once?

not w a specific blog as far as i can remember but definitely w people saying stupid stuff in the replies of my posts

how do you feel about ‘you need to reblog this post’?:

mostly indifferent kinda spiteful

do you like tag games?:

ya theyre fun!! i never know who to tag at the end of it but its fun to do

do you like ask games?:

yes in theory but unfortunately the fear of being percieved & anxiety™ always makes it really hard for me to do them 😔 the ones i have done has been fun & its always cool to ask my mutuals questions!!

which of your mutuals do you think is tumblr famous?:

I have so many mutuals who im like HOW are you still here we post bullshit here. youre all so talented & cool & im just a guy. i think ive def got mutuals who can be considered Big Bloggers in the specific circles they run in but also my perception of whos a Big Blogger or not is skewed

do you have a crush on a mutual?:

nope! heart emoji to all of you though mwah mwah

tagging @transfetts @forcesensitivebantha @jester-mereel @cisphobicfives @catboydindjarin @cisphobicflumph & anyone else who wants to do it!!

#this was fun!!

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ranocchiowo · 3 years

Note

hi! 7, 8, 34, 38 for the gender ask game :)

hi!!!

7. What is your favorite part of being transgender?

oooh thats a hard question to answer lol

i really really really love the sense of community that comes with being trans! i also really love the freedom that being trans offers, which sounds strange at first when you think of how trans people are treated in society, but i love the freedom to be able to explain who i am with other people who understand and who will accept me with open arms! i love seeing a trans flag and knowing theres others like me, others who have faced the worst society has to offer and keep going. i love our elders, who fought, who keep fighting. i love all trans people and i love being trans because it feels like home to me!

(oops i put so many sknsjsms)

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8. How would you explain your gender identity to others?

i still dont really know haha

i could get all technical and say that im somewhere under the nonbinary umbrella, a little bit agender, a little bit greygender, somewhat male aligned, parts that i dont even know about yet, etc. but the queer and trans/nonbinary labels fit me and i love them for it! also the flags are gorgeous, which is always a plus lol

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34. What advice would you give to other trans people, or what message would you like to share with them?

(okay im super bad at advice so bear with me)

the best advice i can give to other trans people is to slow down.

being trans is fucking hard, and it becomes a lot harder when you feel pressured to come out, start hormones, get surgery, etc. and i want you to know that you dont have to make decisions like that immediately. although i realised i wasnt cis a few years ago, it took until a few weeks ago to realise that i might want to start t at some point but i dont want to at this point in my life, because its a big decision to make and im nowhere near ready for it.

i feel the same way about coming out. while incredibly drunk with a sober friend i told her about my name and pronouns and i regretted it the next day, not because i dont trust her, but because i didnt feel ready. theres people in my life i dont ever plan on coming out to because i simply dont want to. and thats okay

i feel like trans people can rush into their transitions in case people call them 'trenders' or whatever when the only person who should be concerned about how and when you transition is you! you decide when or if you tell people! you decide when or if you get hrt or surgery! its your body and your life and its okay to take your time to make decisions like this! youre gonna be okay, i promise <3

--------

38. What is your sexual and romantic orientation, and what are your thoughts on it?

if youve been on my blog in the last month or so you might remember the little... crisis... i had about this where i had trouble letting go of the lesbian label. im very happy to announce that not long after that i let it go, and it didnt feel like i was betraying a part of myself anymore, and it actually helped me figure out my gender more so wahoo!

anyway, i usually describe myself as an arospec acespec queer.

i consider myself to be demiromantic and somewhere along the asexual spectrum that i cant figure out (idek if i am on there lol! joys of discovering yourself).

i use the queer label because every other sexuality label just does not fit, like at all. im attracted to people of all genders (i think 😬) but although ive used labels like pansexual in the past, now... just doesnt fit! so dont worry if thats happened to you, even if a label fits you definition-wise, if you dont like it - dont use it! i love love love the queer label, it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside and thats why i use it!

-------

okay this is so so so long!!! im so sorry!!! but i hope you got something out of my answers <3 <3 <3

#rowan.txt #long post #trans ask game #aaaa this took so long #undead-bunniez #asks

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mispronouncing-michaelangelo · 3 years

Note

Ight SO. I was looking at some your post, and then one of them I saw you wearing a sports bra – this confuse the shit out of me – because I was like “ what the fuck does he need to hold back? I don’t know that men wore sports bras for their man tiddies too!!???what is this conspiracy!!!! And then obviously I want your profile to check if this was only a one time thing, 1/?

I was ready to ask you why are you wearing a sports bra not there is an any of my business just thought it might have to do with your dancing Career? And of course I decided to stalk you before I ask such a stupid question… And then I saw a post and it said you’re on T!!! Let me tell you honey how fucking SHOOK I was To find out you were trans? I thought you were a cis man by how well you pass (this isn’t to say that those who don’t pass aren’t men, merely explaining that you look total male 2/3

Again I was super shook, I thought you were bullshitting – you just look so fucking male. Never in 1 million years would I have thought you were trans👀 but like full support to you and your journey or transitioning what are you fit in society’s box or not 🥺 YOU FUCKIN GO HOMIE BITCHES BE WHIPPED FOR U - I am bitches 👁👄👁3/3

(SORRY ITS TAKEN ME SO LONG TO RESPOND!! IVE JUST BEEN A SHAMBLES!!) honestly thank you so much for this ask uwu dysphoria is one of the reasons i stopped dancing when i was younger, so to be able to dance and pass without people realising im trans is a really big thing for me because of the kinda hell it has been for me in the past,, especially since i don't bind 90% of the time when i dance too so very thank you for dropping this aye <3 <3

#this is very sweet #I really do appreciate it aye #glad ive got you whipped too aye haha #im taking that as a very big compliment #milky-maid-moo-moo

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fishfem · 4 years

Text

unlike a lot of people, i was pretty lucky and had the ideal life when i was on T, with minimal social setbacks and minimal medical effects. still,

taking T for 3.5 years (ages 14-18) resulted in:

a month long major hormonal imbalance that caused me to not sleep, not eat, and become suicidal in which the only difference between that state and "normal" was spacing out my total monthly dose slightly differently

fucked up hairline

possibly caused my rapid cycling depression episodes

increased my generalized anxiety

coulnt cry

me tearing at my face to rid it of imperfections (the acne it gave me) resulting in scarring

vaginal atrophy

higher levels of dissociation

things that affect me now, almost 1 year detransitioned, or have the potential to affect me in the future:

mild level of vaginal atrophy

low estrogen

possibly triggered my family's history of hypothyroidism to show early, causing depression, fatigue, cold intolerance, endocrine upset, etc

possibly has raised my chances of getting my family's historical "widowmaker" heart attack, and heart attacks in general

possibly has strained my liver, adrenals, and/or kidneys (the second of which are non fixable), which all worsens my endocrine system in general and chances of insulin resistance

possibly = likely. these are logical conclusions drawn from the effects of high (pcos level, which is far, far below hrt level) testosterone on females and the effects of the failure of part of the endocrine system on the others.

this is off the top of my head. overall, ive been pretty lucky for someone who took extreme levels of steroids in their teens. my endocrinologist who prescribed them told me just two weeks ago that i had nothing to look out for in the future... nothing at all. then went on to talk about how taking too much vitamin d can cause renal problems. i asked him how taking steroids was safer than vitamin d, and he just said i chose to take testosterone and that it was perfectly safe.

to me, that sounds like hes covering his ass, since every person and doctor, as well as my new pcp, ive mentioned it to since has given me a scrunched, disturbed, uncomfortable face when i said i was told there was no effects of taking 200mg of T monthly for 3.5 years in my youth.

note: i had an actual trained endocrinologist "helping" me. those with informed consent are much more likely to suffer hormonal imbalances and the associated negative longstanding effects.

2nd note: these are not "normal male results." females on hrt get 4x the rate of heart attacks vs males being 2x females. taking testosterone to this level in a female body is just like taking other steroids: dangerous, and not something the body can truly adjust to. you can chose to do it, but do not do so under the impression that there will not be negative side effects.

this info is for detransitioned, transitioning, and trans identifying females only. please dont use it in an argument. its meant to help people gain awareness of the potential effects of this treatment. you can reblog if youre not the above.

#actuallyftm #detransitioned #testosterone #trans hrt #detrans resources

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queerlynx · 4 years

Text

tagged by @elinaline lets fucking go

1. What is the colour of your hairbrush?

my what (have you seen my hair, seriously)

2. name of a food you never eat?

garlic and i WILL die on that hill

3. are you typically too warm or too cold?

always too fucking warm. im literally never cold. people ask me 10x/day ‘arent you cold’ even tho ive told them 1000x that no, i am never cold

4. what were you doing 45 minutes ago?

i think i was still at the shops or maybe getting ready to go to the shops?

5. what’s your favourite candy bar?

always a slut for a snickers

6. have you ever been to a professional sports event?

i dont think so? what would i do there anyways ……oh wait no i went along to a professional tennis game w my ex’s brother i think? i can barely remember it was like 6 years ago

7. what is the last thing you said out loud?

genuinely can’t remember even tho it was probs less than 15mn ago to my flatmate. most likely something about the cat being cute. or maybe it was TO the cat. who knows.

8. what is your favourite ice cream?

chocolate probably? or banana? banana and chocolate is also good

9. what is the last thing you had to drink?

lemonade cause thats all i drink

10. do you like your wallet?

it’s BB-8!!! so yeah of fucking course

11. what was the last thing you ate?

a bagel w blue cheese laughing cow, ham, and one of them shitty toastie super processed cheese slices

12. did you buy any new clothes last week?

me and whose money lmaoo i can barely afford food rn

13. last sporting event you watched?

nope

14. what’s your favourite flavour of popcorn?

recently ive discovered you can drizzle maple syrup on popcorn and oh boy. other than that probs salted caramel sauce. but like i almost never have popcorn

15. who was the last person you sent a message to?

im gonna assume this is any message and not just tumblr, in which case it was my fiancé @yearningcurve on whatsapp

16. ever go camping?

i love camping but last time i went was at least 6 years ago ):

17. do you take vitamins?

lol no

18. do you go to church every Sunday?

………moving swiftly on

19. do you have a tan?

i avoid sunlight like the plague so i’ll let you figure that one out

20. do you prefer Chinese food or pizza?

probs pizza but i like both

21. do you drink soda with a straw? ��

i chug it straight from the bottle lol who’s got the time

22. what colour socks do you wear?

im almost constantly barefoot unless i HAVE to put on shoes and even then i won’t always put socks on if i’m not gonna be outside for long

23. do you ever drive above the speed limit?

im always p much 5mph above the speed limit (fun fact, the display in cars shows your speed as roughly 2mph higher than it actually is, you can check it against a gps on your phone; AND speed cameras allow for +5mph anyway, so why the fuck wouldnt i be)

24. what terrifies you?

like in general?? people leaving me, rejecting me, abandoning me, cutting me out, hating me in secret; not being a good person or liked or useful; people thinking i’m annoying or embarrassing or ridiculous or boring; the list goes on

25. look to your left what do you see?

a very roumd and somft kitty :3

26. what chore do you hate?

anything administrative or on the phone. i dont think it counts as chores but i genuinely enjoy tidying and cleaning so.

27. what do you think of when you hear an Australian accent?

i cant tell an australian accent when i hear one

28. what’s your favourite soda?

lemonade, or fanta

29. do you go into fast food places or drive thru?

ever since ive gotten a car p much always drive thru cause why would i sit in a crowded fast food restaurant w screeching kids and angry karens when i could enjoy my disgusting feast in my own home???

30. who was the last person you talked to?

IRL that’d be my flatmate

t31. favourite cut of beef?

sirloin

32. last song you listened to?

Echoes by the Rapture, it played on my shuffle in my car and reminded me of how good Misfits was lmao

33. last book you read?

it would’ve been over seven or eight years ago. can’t remember.

34. can you say the alphabet backwards?

z y x w v u t s r q p o n m l k j i h g f e d c b a

apparently so but it took a while tbh

35. how do you like your coffee?

i mostly drink flat whites w hazelnut when i drink coffee but tbh despite being a barista w a professional grade home coffee machine i barely ever drink any outside of work lmao

36. favourite pair of shoes?

grinders boots AND my trans pride converses. can’t pick between them soz

37. the time you normally go to bed?

really is no normal. anytime between midnight and like up to 5am esp rn during lockdown. i never went to sleep last night actually i’ve been awake for like 28h now

38. the time you normally wake up?

see above. anytime between 10am and like 6pm depending on when i went to bed. outside of lockdown i would wake up exactly an hour before i have work, so anytime between 5am-11am

39. what do you prefer sunrise or sunsets?

sunsets but i really love both

40. how many blankets are on your bed?

one bedsheet and one soft blanket

41. describe your kitchen plates?

they’re green. nobody is surprised

42. do you have a favourite alcoholic beverage?

cider. i be drinkin that shit like its juice

43. do you play cards?

not really altho on lockdown i’ve taught my flatmates a french card/money game called Nain Jaune and they enjoy it so that makes me happy

44. what colour is your car?

dark red like……burgundy kinda?

45. can you change a tire?

probably not lol

46. your favourite province?

province of what lol. either way it’s Brittany.

47. favourite job you’ve had?

ive only ever had the one lmao so, barista it is

48. how did you get your biggest scar?

top surgery (’:

49. what did you do today that made someone happy?

fuck if i know. i guess i made coffee for my flatmates but like i do it everyday so they p much expect it by now i dont think it makes them any happier or like if it does they dont really say it rip

not a big fan of tagging ppl so just. do it if you wanna lol

#Also Sprach Loïs #txt #elinaline #long post

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feralhogs · 4 years

Note

1 THROUGH 55 AND 1 THROUGH 30 GO GO GO

LETS FUCKIN GO

tumblr please actually make this a keep reading

55 interesting questions you should drop in someone’s inbox

1. If you didn’t have to sleep, what would you do with the extra time?

I ALREADY WATCH NETFLIX AND AGONIZE OVER MY STORY

2. What’s your favorite piece of clothing you’ve own/owned?

MY JACKETS. ANY CHEST OBSCURING, BROAD SHOULDERED, COZY JACKET

3. What hobbies would you get into if time and money wasn’t an issue?

DANCING, ID NEED TO GO TO CLASSES OR SOMETHING

4. What would your perfect room look like?

IM ACTUALLY PRETTY HAPPY WITH MY ROOM BUT IVE ALWAYS WANTED A LAVA LAMP, AND 1800 MORE PLANTS COULDNT HURT

5. Do you play sports?

6. What fiction place would you love to go to?

SINNOH REGION

7. What Job would you be terrible at?

DEBT COLLECTION. I WOULD BE GIVING SHIT TO PEOPLE FOR FREE. I COULDNT BEAR BEING ENCOURAGED TO FORCE PEOPLE WHO CANT PAY FOR SOMETHING TO PAY MORE

8. If you could turn any activity into an Olympic sport, what would it be?

SERVING. HOW MANY PLATES CAN YOU CARRY AT ONCE

9. What’s the most annoy habit other people have?

WALKING IN MY SPACE BUBBLE WHEN MY SENSES ARE OVERLOADED

10. What skill would you like to master?

A SECOND LANGUAGE

11. What would be the most amazing adventure to go on?

THE ONE FROM MY DREAM WHERE I KISSED A GIRL DYED MY HAIR BLUE AND WE ELOPED TO BRAZIL TO RAISE SHEEP

12. What’s your favorite drink ?

THAT CHRISTMAS SHIT. PEPPERMINT MOCHA AT STARBUCKS. A FRIEND GOT IT FOR ME ONCE. NOW I ORDER IT A BILLION TIMES.

13. What state or country would you never like to go back to?

I HAVE NOT TRAVELLED MUCH EVER

14. What songs do you have completely memorized?

I DONT REMEMBER LYRICS SO MUCH, BUT I COULD PROBABLY REMEMBER HOW MANY SONGS GO COMPLETELY

15. Are you usually early or late?

LATE. IM GETTING BETTER THOUGH

16. What takes up too much of your time?

GETTING OUT OF BED

17. What do you wish you knew more about?

SWORDS

18. What are some small things that make your day better?

COFFEE. SOMEONE SAYING SOMETHING NICE TO ME.

19. What TV channel doesn’t exist but really should?

QUEER EYE BUT BY TRANS PEOPLE FOR TRANS PEOPLE

20. Who has impressed you the most with what they’ve accomplished?

YOU. AND ME. ITS GROWTH

21. What age do you wish you can permanently be?

21, SO I HAVE TIME TO FIGURE OUT WHAT THE FUCKS GOING ON

22. What TV show or movie do you refuse to watch?

13 REASONS, THE BOOK WAS TRIGGERING SO I WONT RISK IT

23. What would be your ideal way to spend you weekend?

TAKING A WALK, HAVING COFFEE, WATERING PLANTS… IM HAPPY

24. What’s something in your life that’s considered a luxury?

I HAVE PERFUME...

25. Is there anything you’re too young/old for?

TO YOUNG TO NEVER DRINK. TOO OLD FOR POKEMON

26. What’s your favorite genre book or movie?

I DONT HAVE THE ATTENTION SPAN FOR EITHER BUT I SEEM TO LIKE URBAN FANTASY A LOT

27. How often do you people watch?

I THINK IM SO POLITE BUT HONESTLY, I QUIETLY SCRUTINIZE SO MANY PEOPLE ON THE TRAIN EVERY DAY AND GUESS AT THEIR PERSONAL HABITS AND SELF IMAGE.

28. What’s the best single day on the calendar?

MY BIRTHDAY, SAGITTARIUS SEASON RULES BABY

29. What are you interested in that most people haven’t heard of?

I DONT KNOW ABOUT ANYTHING PPL HAVENT HEARD OF BUT IM INTERESTED IN BLACK HOLES

30. Do you relax after a hard day?

FOOD. NETFLIX. DECOMPOSING ON TUMBLR

31. What’s the best book or series you’ve ever read?

I HAVENT READ A BOOK I REALLY LOVE IN AGES. HARRY POTTER AND ARTEMIS FOWL WERE MY FAVOURITES GROWING UP, BUT CORNELIA FUNKES BOOKS SLAPPED AND HIS DARK MATERIALS WAS GORGEOUS

32. Where’s the farthest you’ve ever been from home?

IDAHO?

33. What’s the most heart warming thing you’ve ever seen?

LUCIFER WAS LIKE YOU DESERVE SOMEONE WHO CARES ABOUT YOUR BORING MIDDLE NAME JANE AND KNOWS THAT EVERY MURDER BREAKS YOUR HEART AND YOU SIMPLY DESERVE BETTER SO NO MORE MOMENTS WHILE THEYRE HAVING A MOMENT AND CHLOE IS WATCHING THIS FUCKING IDIOT AND IVE WATCHED THIS BEFORE SO I KNOW SHES GONNA KISS HIM AND THEN THEY KISS

34. What’s the most annoying question that people ask you?

ANY SMALL TALK QUESTIONS

35. Would you give a 40 minute presentation with no preparation?

YES. ID MAKE THAT SHIT RIGHT UP. SKILLS

36. What’s something you think everyone should do at least once in their lives?

GIVE ME A HUG AND SOME CHOCOLATE

37. Would you rather go Hand Gliding or Whitewater rafting?

HANG GLIDING

38. Dream car?

SOMETHING I DONT HAVE TO WORRY WILL FALL INTO PIECES AT ANY MOMENT

39. What’s something so many people are obsessed with and you just don’t understand why?

STRAIGHT LOVE SONGS

40. What are you most looking forward to in 10 years from now?

HAVING A CAT

41. What’s something you’ve been meaning to try but haven’t gotten to it?

DECORATING THE DOLLHOUSE I RESCUED FROM THE BATHROOM

42. What’s the best thing that’s happened to you all week?

IM NOT VERY FAR THROUGH THE WEEK AND I HAVENT ENJOYED MOST OF IT BUT PEOPLE SAYING ADORABLE THINGS

43. How different was your life one year ago?

NOT A LOT DIFFERENT, IM JUST LONELY IN THE CITY NOW, MINUS A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP, ONE YEAR ON T

44. What/who would you rate 10/10?

MY CACTUS JAKEN. I DROPPED HIM SO MANY TIMES AN ENTIRE HALF OF HIS SPIKES ARE FLAT SCARS. AND LOOK AT HIM. THRIVING

45. What kind of art do you enjoy the most?

GENUINELY MADE ART

46. What do you hope never changes?

MY T PRESCRIPTION

47. What movie title best describes your life?

I LOOKED THROUGH NETFLIX AND I PICK TWILIGHT

48. What website do you visit most often?

TUMBLR

49. What’s something you’re looking forward to this year?

MY BIRTHDAY

50. What’s something you’d like to unlearn?

FINDING A REASON TO CANCEL EVERY SINGLE LITTLE THING

51. Where would you spend all your time if you could?

WALKING BY SOME RUNNING WATER

52. What age would you like to live to?

80. THATS MY MENTAL HEALTH ANSWER

53. What’s something you’re most likely to become famous for?

SOMETHING CREATIVE WOULD BE AWESOME

54. What’s something you’re most likely to be arrested for?

CRIMES

55. What’s something you really want but can’t afford?

A CAT

Lgbt+ ask game

What do you identify as and what are your pronouns?

I’m even a little shaken by a questioning state right now but for a while I’ve felt the best fit is the androgynous label -- I read a description of it being the purple on a pink to blue scale, both at once but not specifically either one, and something else by itself. I’m also happy with a cryptic masculine grey area. My pronouns are he/him.

How did you discover your sexuality, tell your story?

During the Puberty 1.0 nightmare, I was basically living someone else’s life, and any attraction I felt wasn’t in relation to myself. I felt disconnected from my body and gender and everything too, and I felt a lot of social pressure to experience a certain type of attraction, fit into a certain role, et cetera, and none of these feelings existed in me at all, so I used to identify as ace. When I realized I was trans, I was too caught up in the, transition safely, my life is a lie, stopping dysphoria drama to focus on this, but I had an idea I might be a gay guy judging from my gay creative writing until I caught feelings for a girl and realized this wasn’t the first time that had happened. Some bi positivity and nonbinary rage later, I am reminded that gender is a joke.

Have you experienced being misgendered? What happened and how did you overcome it?

Yes of course A LOT. Starting with my parents, who do it aggressively and maliciously. And plenty from strangers and customers, mostly after hearing my voice pre-transition. It used to hurt terribly because I was dealing with so much other stuff at the time, and one little thing could be the last straw, so I used to react strongly and harshly, to people you express yourself to anyway. On T, I’ve been so much more chill and confident, and it’s less painful to accept that some people just don’t know any better, although that doesn’t change its effect.

Who was the first person you told, how did they react?

I don’t remember, I think it was a high school friend. I vaguely remember texting someone in a bathroom during a crying session at work. My high school friends were all warm and supportive.

Describe what it was like coming out, what did you feel?

It was scary as hell. I’m sure coming out (with your gender specifically) is scary by nature because it’s a huge truth to be telling that can really change how the people you love perceive you, for better or for worse, but for me, I’m also thinking with the dread and certainty that my family would be too conservative and potentially dangerous. Coming out to my family was one of the worst, most painful things I’ve ever been through -- being kicked out and laughed at, a lot of drama, confrontations, Bible readings and being ganged up on at odd hours, trying to comfort my mom who took it as her personal failure -- I was shaking with adrenaline 24/7. I think of the “I’ll suffer through anything as long as it has meaning” comment that was about angsty fanfics, but knowing the truth about myself was a source of unshakable strength and it felt refreshing and even triumphant to say, like I was giving myself permission to exist for the first time. I came out a bunch of times, though...

If you’re out, how did your parents/guardians/friends react?

My family reacted mostly badly, my sister is a little confused but has the spirit, and my friends have been wonderful.

What is one question you hate people asking about your sexuality?

It’s more of a gender thing, but I hate it when people imply that I shouldn’t be on T or are subtly trying to talk me out of it with their questions. After all the disrespectful as fuck bullshit I heard from my parents, I’m tired of this.

Describe the style of clothing that you most often wear.

Zombie apocalypse denim? Gay Layers

Who are your favourite lgbt+ ships?

I’m not really emotionally invested in these “ships” you cool kids are talking about. I like canon, age-appropriate ones.

What does makeup mean to you? Do you wear any?

I’ve never really worn makeup. I brazenly never bothered to growing up, and if it had an effect on me socially, I was too tuned out to care. My sister always wanted to do my hair and makeup, but I wasn’t interested and wouldn’t let her, much to her frustration. I wore some for a musical once though, and I had no idea what I was doing and it was extremely uncomfortable. I felt what I know now is dysphoria and ended up using the lipstick to draw. Another aspect to this is my family forbade it (or my dad made the decision for everyone), not that it made my sister feel less pressured to wear it, so maybe it was some female presentation I could easily get out of. For that reason, I don’t have super strong feelings about it. Not understanding it probably resulted in me feeling left out a lot among my peers.

Do you experience dysphoria? If so, how does that affect you?

Yes. Before my realization, it was a numb horror I wasn’t consciously aware of, ruining nice things growing up to the point where I feel like I missed out on being a teenager. I remember it as feeling nauseous while sitting in a corner, feeling like none of my clothes ever fit for some mysterious reason. Living with my family in the closet, it defined my life, and I was obsessed with my presentation. These days, it does not bother me on that level at all, except a minor freakout now and then if I get really wild and wear feminine clothes. Or I still feel it in more subtle ways, when I default to customer service voice, or when guys my age are twice my height and I look aaaall the way up at them and wonder what gender they see me as.

What is the stupidest thing you’ve heard said about the lgbt+ community?

Trust me, I have heard truck loads of dumb shit and the winner is the Gay Agenda is R****a’s propaganda to weaken the integrity of North America. Considering what is happening over there, it was enragingly stupid.

What’s your favourite thing about the lgbt+ community?

I feel like I can be myself around lgbt+ people. I don’t feel like I have to hide stuff or put on a show, and I’m not afraid because it’s familiar territory.

What’s your least favourite thing about the lgbt+ community?

Aside from obvious problems like TERFs, ace discourse. Ace people are part of the community if they want to be and that’s enough on that, my skin is already breaking out.

Have you ever been to your cities pride event? Why or why not?

I finally went to a Pride event this year! I was surprised it was the first one I’d been to, then remembered my parents discouraged me from going anywhere, never mind to a gay where.

Who is your favourite lgbt+ Icon/Advocate/Celebrity?

I can’t think of many people right now, but Leslie Feinberg seems awesome, and some quotes from Stone Butch Blues are very validating.

Have you been in a relationship and how did you meet?

No. Technically I have been in one, but it was shitty and ridiculous, and basically platonic, and I don’t want it to count.

What is your favourite lgbt+ book?

I barely read… I read Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe in high school and it was honestly so precious.

Have you ever faced discrimination? What happened?

Yes. I got kicked out (but then kicked back in again), had my stuff stolen and damaged, was verbally harassed… and I was indirectly fired by an employer, but We Will Never Know Why...

Your Favorite lgbt+ movie or show?

Queer Eye! I don’t know of many though, and some important ones, I just haven’t watched.

Who are some of your favourite lgbt+ bloggers?

My mutuals :D

Which lgbt+ slur do you want to reclaim?

I’m okay calling myself queer.

Have you ever gone to a gay bar, or a drag show, how was it?

No, but I did see some drag performances at the one (1) Pride event I went to, and they were jaw-dropping.

How do you self-identify your gender, and what does that mean to you?

I’m not sure what this question means, but I decide what fits right by what makes me feel the most alive and emotionally real and in the moment. What makes me feel the most attractive to be honest. There’s a post about dysphoria I saw going around, the things on it are basically what I use to figure things out.

Are you interested in having children? Why or why not?

I am actually! Not anytime soon, but I’m the responsible type for sure, and judging by the way I love growing plants and being around animals, I’m probably a nurturing person. I actually like kids too, lol, they’re just so high-energy.

What identity advice would you give your younger self?

You’re a boy. Go!

What do you think of gender roles in relationships?

I think people are going to have different ways of expressing themselves that make them happy, but… I don’t think they should infringe on basic human decency. When I hear “role” I think of acting a certain way because someone told you to, something I want to disagree with on the spot.

Anything else you want to share about your experience with gender?

People move out of my way on the sidewalk and take me seriously now. Privilege or self-confidence… I never want to forget what it used to be like, or get too entitled.

What is something you wish people know about being lgbt+?

That it’s simply living one’s reality. I think that trips up a lot of straight people -- that some people just come like this, and they don’t have to make it fit into their personal identity.

Why are proud to be lgbt+?

Because I worked hard to be alive and happy right now. I’m proud of choosing to get through those rough patches, take care of myself, heal, take walks, cook breakfast, learn healthy coping mechanisms, that was out of love for myself and a defiant conviction that I have a place in this world.

#chatty tag

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crystalninjaphoenix · 5 years

Text

One Short Day

A JSE Fanfic

Yay, I wrote something that isn’t connected to pain for once in my life! Or at least, the most you get are hints and maybe a moment. I was planning on working on something else, but...I don’t know, I just felt like I needed something softer, and I’m sure there are people who need that too. So behold, an attempt at mostly-fluff! I just wanted to write the boys having fun out on the town, simple enough ^-^

It was rare that there was a full day they could all be together. A day where Schneep wasn’t working, Chase wasn’t recording, Marvin didn’t have a show, and Jackie didn’t have to bolt off at the last minute to do heroic vigilantism. A day where they could just do whatever they wanted, all of them, together.

They met up at Jackie’s apartment building. Naturally, JJ arrived first, then Schneep and Chase at about the same time. Just when they were starting to get worried, Marvin showed up, sprinting up to the group and skidding to a halt beside them.

“Late again, I see?” Jackie said when Marvin finally caught his breath. “Maybe we should just tell you we’re meeting thirty minutes earlier than we actually are.”

“Gimme a break.” Marvin rolled his eyes. “My phone was out of battery so I couldn’t check the time, then I got distracted.”

Jackie raised an eyebrow. “With what?”

“Um...” Marvin looked away, embarrassed. “I may have started playing Plague Inc...for an hour...or more.”

“Dude. Set a timer next time or something,” Chase said. “Ask JJ if you can borrow one of his watches if you have to, I dunno, anything.”

“Enough of this, we are wasting minutes,” Schneep said, checking his own watch. “Jackie decided what to do, what is it?”

Jackie immediately brightened. “Okay, so, we all know JJ hasn’t seen much of the town.” Everyone nodded. “So I thought we could give him the grand tour! Get lunch, go to the park, and I think the fair is open tonight so we can finish with that. That good with everyone?”

“So we’re just gonna walk all over town?” Chase asked. “Only two of us can drive, and none of us have a car right now.”

“Toughen up, Chase, walking’s good for you!” Marvin teased. “Right? Schneep, you’re a doctor, tell him I’m right.”

“He’s right,” Schneep said.

“See?!”

JJ snapped his fingers for attention. I thought we were wasting time? I certainly can’t lead the way, so I’ll ask one of you to.

“Right!” Jackie started off. “C’mon guys, lunch is waiting for us!”

They ended up at a local restaurant near the center of town called Kassie’s. It was a quaint little place, and since it was a warm day they decided to sit at a table outside. The chipper waitress gave them a plate of free fries, then took their order, and headed back inside.

“Is it just me, or is it kind of hot today?” Chase asked, fanning himself with some of the napkins.

“No, it’s not just you. God, I’m dying,” Jackie agreed.

“Jackie, you are not only wearing long sleeves, you are wearing two layers of them,” Schneep pointed out with a smile.

“Oh, you’re one to talk, Mr. Sweater-all-the-time!” Jackie rolled his eyes. “What about Jays? He’s got that vest/dress shirt on.”

JJ looked aghast. You four can run around and show your arms all you like, but I’ll have you know it isn’t proper for a gentleman!

“Are you implying we aren’t gentlemen?” Marvin asked, right before tossing a fry into the air and catching it in his mouth.

JJ raised an eyebrow. Indeed.

“I don’t care, it’s hot. I’m taking this off.” With a few flailing arms, Jackie pulled his hoodie over his head and tugged it off, revealing a Marvel-themed T-shirt underneath. “Ah. That’s better.” He looked around to see the others staring at him with wide eyes. “What?”

“Holy shit, Jackie!” Chase yelled. “Your arm!”

“Wh—oh fuck I forgot I was wearing short sleeves today.” Jackie looked down at his left arm. “Yeah, okay, I got scars, you can look all you want.”

“So that’s why I’ve never seen you in T-shirts,” Marvin realized. “Jackie, what the fuck happened?”

Jackie frowned, then coughed awkwardly. “Y’know...I’d rather not talk about it right now. Maybe later. Besides, Schneep already knows the story. ‘S how we met.”

“Honestly, you three are making mountains out of mole hills,” Schneep said. “Is fine now. You should see his torso, now those are scars.”

That only made the other three look more worried. Jackie sighed. “Look, guys, we’re having a fun day. We’re gonna have fun, and not gonna get all concerned, though I do appreciate it. And you—” he glared at Schneep “—need to stop saying that, ‘cause it makes it sound like I lost some epic battle instead of just having top surgery.”

Chase and Marvin relaxed in unison. “I’m still convinced you have, I dunno, fucking bullet scars or something,” Marvin muttered as Chase pulled the remains of the fries towards him.

“Oh yeah, but Schneep’s talking about the surgery. He’s done this before, and it’s no longer funny!” Jackie looked pointedly at Schneep when saying that last part, who just responded with a massive grin.

JJ was the only one who still looked concerned, but now that was paired with confusion. He looked around at the others. What is top surgery?

You could almost hear the hiss as the others all inhaled sharply in unison. They’d all forgotten for a moment that JJ didn’t know. Schneep cleared his throat. “Jackie, would you like to explain?”

“Right yeah. God, where do I start with this?” There was a slight pause in the conversation as the waitress returned with their food. The moment she was out of earshot, Jackie started up again. “Alright, so...” he leaned forward, hands clasped together, eyes wide and nervous. “You know how I call myself Jackieboy Man, right?”

JJ nodded. A moniker I never understood, but yes.

“Well, I didn’t always call myself that. Neither did anyone else. Because, well, they all thought that...I was a, uh, girl. Even I did. For the longest time I just sort of...accepted it. I only started to figure it out in high school. I got my first job, and one of the customers called me ‘that nice lady,’ and hearing it...just sort of surprised me. Like someone gave the wrong answer to a really easy test question. So...I started thinking, and eventually I realized that I wasn’t...actually a girl. That was when I renamed myself.”

JJ didn’t look any less confused. Why would they not understand that? Wouldn’t they be able to...see that you are not?

Jackie winced. “Well, no...you see, I...fuck.” Jackie put his head in his hands, took a deep breath, then looked up again. “I was born...in the wrong body. Top surgery is...it’s to get rid of the parts I didn’t want. Are you...are you getting this now?”

After a moment, JJ’s eyes widened. He nodded hesitantly.

“Okay. Good. Great.” Jackie sighed. “I don’t know if this word existed in the twenties, but nowadays we have ‘transgender’ as...a thing. When someone is something other than what their body is born as. I’m still a he. Or, just, anything but she, really. Literally call me anything but a girl. And please, don’t ask about what my name was before. Or what’s...down there. Those questions make me...really uncomfortable.”

My good man! JJ signed. Why would I do such a rude thing? And to my dear friend, nonetheless.

Jackie’s shoulders slumped. He leaned back in his chair and exhaled in relief. He’d been dreading this conversation, but better to rip the bandaid off now. “Thanks, man. I...appreciate your understanding.”

JJ smiled. No trouble at all, Jackie! I may not fully grasp the concept, but that’s no reason to disrespect your wishes.

“If you want, I can answer questions. Just...later. And as long as you get I don’t represent everyone who’s trans.”

JJ nodded and gave a thumbs-up. There was silence for a moment, before Chase broke it by saying “Hey, guys, I made a Jenga tower out of fries.”

Schneep rolled his eyes, and immediately knocked over Chase’s tower.

“Aw you bitch!” Chase gasped. “You didn’t even play the game right!”

“Fuck your games. Actually eat the food like it’s supposed to be.”

“You’re just jealous cause you got a salad instead.”

“Maybe I am! Did you think of that?!”

“Dude, I just said I did!”

The rest of lunch was covered in the blanket of familiar banter. Jackie smiled to himself. God, he was so glad nothing changed.

About two hours later, the boys had made their way to the southern part of the city. That was where the park was. It had an official name, but everyone just called it “the park” because there was only one of them and it was shorter. The park itself was pretty big, with trees, paths, flowerbeds, and two playgrounds at either end.

Since it was the middle of the afternoon, there were quite a few families with young children hanging around, parents watching their kids climb all over the jungle gyms and pushing them on the swings. While Marvin and Jackie walked ahead, pulling JJ with them and talking his ears off, Chase and Schneep hung back a bit. Chase was staring at the families on the playground.

“Chase? Are you okay?” Schneep asked gently.

“Yeah...yeah, I’m fine. It’s not a down day.” Schneep gave him a Look. “No, really! It’s just...y’know, seeing all the kids kinda bums me out. You know?”

“Of course I do, Chase,” Schneep said. He was probably the only one of the boys who did. “If you are feeling upset, you can go home.”

“No! God, no, that’s not what I meant at all. This has been good so far. I don’t want it to end.” Chase frowned. “Now I’m just...man. I’m starting to lose it.”

“Chase.” Schneep grabbed his hand. “If you are not enjoying yourself, we can always go do something more quiet. We would hate to push you to do something you are not up to.”

Chase considered it for a moment, then shook his head. “Nah, it’s not too bad. It helps that you guys are here, I think. But I’ll let you know...if it gets too much.”

Schneep gave him a long look, before finally judging that everything was alright. “Okay. You have to do that, or I am going to break into your home at night and yell at you for lying.”

“Okay, okay, I get the idea,” Chase laughed. He looked down at their clasped hands. “You’re not worried people are gonna think we’re a couple, then?”

“What? Oh. Is there no such thing as regular hand-holding in this country?! Besides, it should not fucking matter. Also you are not my type anyway.”

“Yeah, you’re not mine, either. You’re a guy.” Chase and Schneep both had a good laugh at that.

Marvin looked over his shoulder at the two of them. “Are you two gonna walk fast or what?”

“Or what,” Chase said with a smirk.

“Oh, you’re hilarious. A fucking comedic genius. Hey guys!” he said that last part to Jackie and JJ. “We’re gonna slow down so these two assholes can join us.”

“Marvin, how dare you,” Schneep said, mock-offended. “At least be more creative in your insulting us.”

“No.” The two mini-groups merged together to form the main group once again. “So what’re you two talking about?”

“Chase is worried that hand-holding makes a couple,” Schneep tattled.

“Bullshit,” Marvin stated. Jackie went “yeah!” in the background. JJ frowned at the use of language, but nodded. “What makes a couple is the kissing. And romantic interest in each other, which leads to the former.”

“You say, having not been on a date in at least five months,” Jackie muttered.

“Shut your stupid face, you...lovely person.” Marvin pulled his wand out of his pocket and twirled it, like he did when he was nervous. “We’ve all been kinda busy lately.”

“Yeah...that’s true,” Jackie sighed. “But maybe if you went out more, you could find someone you could go out with. Just once, if a commitment isn’t your thing right now.”

Marvin frowned. “Why in the wide world of wingmen would I go on a date once deliberately?”

“A night of fun?” Schneep suggested.

“With a complete stranger that I have no interest in? No. I need to have some intrigue in whoever they end up being.”

“None of you are gonna get anywhere with him,” Chase said. “He doesn’t get one-night stands.”

“Damn right I don’t! There’s no point!”

And it just seems improper, JJ signed. If you aren’t going to court someone, don’t approach them at all.

“Marvin! You have an ally!” Jackie gasped.

“Good. Finally, someone who agrees with me.” Marvin held up his hand and, after a moment of figuring out, JJ high-fived it. “Yeah! There we go, you got it!”

Jackie checked the time on his phone. “Alright, it’s starting to get a bit late. If we want to get enough time at the fair, we’re gonna have to book it to the eastern side.”

They didn’t actually run the whole way there, despite Jackie wanting to. By the time they got to the fair the sun was starting to set. They bought tickets and headed inside, where the Ferris wheel and the roller coaster towered over the smaller rides and the carnival games. It was a weekday, but it was one of the first days the fair was open, so the fairgrounds were crowded but not packed.

Chase gasped. “Games. We can do the games first.”

You do realized they’re all rigged, right? JJ asked.

“Who cares? They’re fun! Games now.”

Soon, the others started to suspect that the reason Chase was so eager to play games was because he knew he would win every time. The dude was scarily good. A combination of sheer luck, skill, and fuck-it-let’s-take-a-chance-ness led to many more victories than the others, something Marvin and Schneep immediately called him out for.

“You are cheating, I am sure of it!” Schneep huffed, folding his arms.

“Nah, just have a knack for it. And, in this case, practice.” Chase tossed one of the wooden balls back and forth while he waited for the carnival worker to hand him his prize. “Ya gotta aim for a bit above the spot where the third jug sits on top of the other two, then throw hard. It’s a bit of an arc.”

“No, you’re a cheater,” Marvin asserted, muttering darkly.

“Aw, c’mon! Here, will this make you less salty?” Chase accepted his stuffed prize from the worker, then handed it right over to Marvin. “I got it for you! You like cats.”

Marvin glared down at the plushie. “You’re lucky it has a cute face,” he said.

“See?!” Chase smiled. He was actually having a good time. It was a good change of pace from the park.

Eventually, everyone had a prize except for JJ. They were running out of games to play, but then Jackie spotted one of those ‘find the ball under the shuffling cups.’ “Hey guys, you up for that one?”

JJ brightened. I’m actually quite skilled at those!

“Well, then, let’s go!” Jackie pulled him over, the others in tow.

The carnival worker was calling out the rules of the game. “You get one, you win one of these lovely roses, you get two in a row, you win one of these tiny fellows here, and you get three in a row, you win one of these adorable penguins! Step right up, step right up!”

“Hey!” Jackie waved to get the worker’s attention. “We want to play!”

“Well then, young sirs, the rules are simple. Keep your eye on the ball, see right here, right here, it’s under the middle cup. Now watch as I take the cup this way, then that, then this and oh look at that! It’s goin’ fast, it’s goin’ fast don’t lose it don’t lose it! Now, which one is the ball under?”

Jackie was fairly sure he knew where it was, but he turned to JJ anyway. “So, which one?” he asked.

JJ bit his lip, then reached forward to point at one of the cups...only for the worker to slap his hand away. “I’m sorry sir, please don’t touch the cups. To prevent tamperin’, see? Just tell me.”

JJ looked a bit stunned at the worker’s aggressive tone. But he signed It’s under the left one.

“Excuse me?”

“He says it’s under the left one,” Marvin jumped in.

“...ah, I see.” The worker lifted up the cup to reveal the ball. “Seems you were right. Do you want to try again?”

The boys glanced uneasily between each other. The worker’s tone had dropped from the polite-carnival talk to one that was a bit...short. She was also talking much slower than she was before, drawing out the vowel sounds. “He can hear you perfectly fine,” Chase said. “He just can’t talk.”

“Mmm...I see...” The worker pursed her lips. “Do you want to try again?”

They all nodded. The worker was silent this time as she shuffled the cups, faster than before. When she stopped, she looked at Jackie. “Which one is the ball under?”

Jackie had a vague idea where, but he wasn’t sure. “JJ, do you know?”

The left one again, JJ signed, less enthusiastically.

“The left,” Jackie translated.

The worker frowned as she revealed the ball under the left cup. “You boys aren’t cheating, are you? Those weird gestures seem like symbols.”

Marvin laughed bitterly. “Yeah, they’re symbols alright. They stand for words. Do you not know how sign language fucking works? He’s telling us the answers ‘cause he’s the best one at it. Now let’s do this one more time.”

The worker shuffled the cups impossibly fast. Once more, she asked Jackie where the ball was. This time, he had no idea, and just looked at JJ. JJ, in turn, stiffened a bit, eyes hardening. It’s under the right one, though I wouldn’t put it past her to sneak it up her sleeve.

“Right,” all the boys said in unison.

The worker reluctantly lifted up the rightmost cup to show the ball sitting underneath. “Congratulations,” she said dully. “You win one of the big prizes. What color do you want?”

Turquoise, JJ signed. “Turquoise,” Jackie translated.

They walked away from the booth in silence. After a few moments of walking, Marvin said, “I could totally put a curse on her.”

“No,” Jackie said firmly.

“Just one little spell. She can lose her voice for a week.”

JJ shook his head, then tucked his prize under his arm so he could use his hands to sign. Revenge is never the best answer.

“It’s what she deserves!” Marvin snarled. “She was making that difficult on purpose. I saw her, she was going much slower with the customers before us. JJ, I’m so absolutely sorry on her behalf, cause god knows she’s not gonna fucking apologize.”

It’s okay, JJ insisted. Believe it or not, I’ve faced worse, especially in my day. They were much less friendly back then.

“I am sure you are not using that word in the correct meaning,” Schneep mumbled.

Marvin shoved his hand into the pocket containing his wand. “One hex. Come on. Just one. I won’t even make her ears fall off or anything.”

Everyone refused to let Marvin curse the carnival worker, and he reluctantly relented. At this point, they’d finished with the games, and all that was left were the rides. They took turns, one or two of them sitting out to watch the accumulated prizes while the others spun and flew and then stumbled off the rides. After trying most of the rides out, they took a snack break for ice cream and cotton candy.

“I think the Ferris wheel is the only one left,” Jackie said. “Unless we want to catch that sideshow thing. There’s supposed to be magicians—”

“Fake,” Marvin interrupted.

“—clowns, animals, and they advertised a knife-thrower—”

Schneep nearly choked on his ice cream. “No.”

“Okay, got it. No show then.” Jackie nodded. “But I’m not too sure about the Ferris wheel. I know at least one of us is afraid of heights.”

“Yeah, uh, me.” Chase bit his lip. “But I think I’ll be fine if I don’t look over the edge. Unless someone else doesn’t want to go on it, then I’ll stay off with them.”

“I’m good,” Jackie said. “Schneep? Marv? Either of you scared of heights?” Both of them shook their heads. “Alright. JJ?”

JJ signed, A bit, but after all these dizzy rides, I’ll take something calm like the Ferris wheel, if you please.

“Alright. Guess we’re going on the wheel, then!”

Night had truly fallen by this point. The Ferris wheel wasn’t exceptionally tall, but it still rose above everything else in the fair, providing a fantastic view of the colored lights below. Instead of having the traditional two-person seats, this wheel had booths that could fit up to eight people, so all the boys fit into one just fine. The wheel turned, and the booth turned with it. Chase squirmed, resolutely not looking over the side. Jackie and Marvin did the exact opposite, practically leaning out of the booth to look down below.

JJ tapped Schneep, signing something real quick. Schneep nodded, then yelled “Can you two stop that?! You are going to fall out of the fucking side, and you are making Jamie nervous.”

“Oh, sorry.” Jackie sat back down.

“Aww,” Marvin groaned, but pulled back into his seat. “I hope you know I do this for you, JJ.”

JJ smiled. Thank you, it’s appreciated. And I’m sure your body feels the same way, having narrowly avoided a fall to great injury.

“Nah, I would’ve been fine.”

The wheel stopped. Their booth was right at the top. “Oh, fuck,” Chase muttered, covering his eyes with his hands.

“You know, you didn’t have to come,” Jackie said quietly. “We would’ve been alright letting you stay down on the ground.”

Chase peeked between his hands. “I know. But...it’s really nice up here. Quiet. And with just you guys. As long as I ignore the distance from the ground, I’m good. You’re my friends, you know, and you make everything better.”

“Oh, Chase,” Marvin gasped. “That’s...really sweet!”

“What? Didn’t think we where friends?”

“It’s...always nice to be reminded.” Marvin smiled softly.

Well then consider this your reminder, Marvin! JJ wiggled his mustache happily. I consider you all my friends, maybe even family. You are all wonderful people and I love having you in my life!

“Nooo, stop.” It was hard to see in the dark, only lit up by the lightbulbs on the Ferris wheel, but it was possible that Marvin was actually blushing.

“You know what? I love you guys.” Jackie grinned. “Not afraid to admit it! Best friends I’ve ever had.”

Schneep cleared his throat. “Yes, I feel the same. You are all great people, and I am fortunate to have met you. I...love you as well.”

“Aaaahck!” Marvin appeared to be trying to fold into himself. “Too much love! Fatality!”

Chase chuckled. “Marvin! Accept our love!”

We love you, Marvin! JJ signed eagerly. Now you have to say it back!

Marvin made a strange sort of groaning exhale before inhaling deeply, calming down. “Yeah...I—I love you guys too. God, I love you guys so much. You should all know that.”

“There we go!” Jackie said, triumphant. “Marvin, you are, truly, the emotionally constipated one. And I thought Schneep was the worst.”

“Excuse me?!” Schneep gasped. “I assure you I am very love-sharing. I just do not use words too much because they are complicated.”

“Understandable,” Chase shrugged. “I can barely speak half the time, and I was born in English.”

I thought you were born in Ireland, JJ signed, amused.

“Oh, you know what I mean!”

The Ferris wheel started lowering, stopping and starting as it let passengers off. The boys stepped out of the booth and onto land once again.

JJ yawned. I must say that I’m rather tired after all this. I think it’s time we go home.

“Yeah, I’m starting to feel it,” Jackie agreed.

“You all are weak!” Marvin countered. “I’m good for another couple hours.”

“Watch you crash immediately upon entering your room,” Chase laughed.

“Oh, shut up.”

“I think JJ is right,” Jackie said. “It’s time to go home.”

Schneep nodded. “Yes, I could stay up longer, but I have morning shift tomorrow so I should not push my luck. I will see you all later?”

“Oh yeah.”

“Course, dude!”

“Definitely.”

Count on it!

With that, they left the fair. Eventually they split up, each heading their own separate ways until they eventually got to wherever they were staying that night. Some went to sleep immediately, some stayed up a bit later, but eventually they all went to bed.

And when they decided to do it, none of them had trouble for once.

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